when sylvia plath said “i need a father, i need a mother, i need some older, wiser being to cry to. i talk to God but the sky is empty”
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2023 - 4 - one
something in me
changes at night.
perhaps it
knows for certain
that all the best adventures
happen after bed time.
it feels like you opened time
like a zipper--
where everything sucks
but all is well.
all is well.
one step and slide:
the swollen knee boogie;
still I glide
over the carpet like its water;
the red light of the alarm clock
blinks out into the void
like a light house--
I crash upon my bed
like waves upon rocks--
I hold my pillow up to my ear
and I hear
african poems,
drums of war;
made up stories under neon lights
laughter, car doors shutting, and crying in the dark.
crying sounds different in the dark
all alone-- it feels more true.
crying feels more real when it's a secret.
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I wonder, sometimes, what it’d feel like, to look down in the shower without flinching.
-my poem
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© idyllicsam
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Good Grades
I thought you were smart
And academically, you’re brilliant!
But, you fail the test of life
Well, at least, we couldn’t pass the test of life
The test of time
But hey, at least you have your good grades!
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At the Belarusian Border
trenches and shelters,
picnic tables and trails,
tailbacks at the crossing,
truck drivers covered in sweat
broken supply chains,
unspoken languages,
potholes in the road,
anxiety in the soil
road to Hrodna,
view through the valley,
where I would never be free
to write this
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we go to stores that smell like wax crayons and it's really difficult to choose your favourite childhood memory when you are still kids that walk hand in hand, and then there's the song! the song we once made ours, the words we know as well as we know each other, it really sounds like a rom-com now
and i tune in to the tales
and your lips move, but i don't think i am listening to you, right now, i am only hearing the voice that sits like coal in my body and has me burning all over,
that lacquered, smooth voice that's music to my ears, but your voice gets softer and softer with every word and it feels like we are sharing a secret while we are still in a crowd
and i tune in to the tales
i run through my cupboards to bring some order in my day, and there i find nostalgia waiting for me, pictures of you and me, when knowing each other's beloved scoops and giving each other heart shaped cards was second nature
and i tune in to the tales as one does at such a time,
tales that have bitter endings, but memories of mirth.
~shaksi. //tales//
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Random words of wisdom
You feel like it’s your responsibility
to fix everything
to keep the peace,
to carry on,
to be okay all the time,
to be someone other people can lean on.
YOU ARE IMPORTANT TOO.
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I've always been like this
When I was little and I disliked to brush my teeth I just didn’t
and when I hated learning something I stared at the classroom wall in a symbolic protest thinking it would make the whole school not exist any more
And when I decided I hated silence I talked so much that I filled my lungs with thoughts before I did my mind
And when people crowded me I flung their presence away with total dis regard for the benefits of being liked that far exceed my age
My little respect for authority glared off of me like a warning sign and I didn’t care
I would walk for hours in circles just because I didn’t want the normalcy of stillness
And wait until other people cleaned up my messes because I could live in filth for way longer than anyone Id known could
And everyone around me admired this even in their annoyance for not being compliant and it taught me that this was a good thing
But in life you have to do things you hate
And hating every mundane thing that is a part of living is hating life itself
And being so headstrong that you want to die isn’t as adorable as it use to be
-Adreanna
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Silent elapse - Valli
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The state of mind where even watching a couple arguing by your side feels like love lapping at your feet and you are a quarter of an inch away from smiling like a fool because you can actually predict what exactly the aftermath is going to be like.
I absolutely hate to admit that I'm at this moment, quarter of an inch away from smiling like a fool too.
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आ कि तुझ बिन इस तरह ऐ दोस्त घबराता हूँ मैं
जैसे हर शय में किसी शय की कमी पाता हूँ मैं
तेरी सूरत का जो आईना उसे पाता हूँ मैं
अपने दिल पर आप क्या क्या नाज़ फ़रमाता हूँ मैं
एक दिल है और तूफ़ान-ए-हवादिस ऐ 'जिगर'
एक शीशा है कि हर पत्थर से टकराता हूँ मैं
~जिगर मुरादाबादी
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Werewolf
I have this superpower
where when there's a full moon
I transform into dust
with fur and muscles
that cares about everything
but itself.
they call it a curse for some reason.
Like howling at a gift of light
in a land of darkness
is not the correct course of action.
peculiar? I think not.
Like there's something wrong
with bestial passion--
that smiling
with fangs in your mouth
is considered rude
or perhaps
even downright rotten.
they shoot us with silver
because, you know,
regular bullets won't do.
at least I get to die rich--
no silver in my pocket
but
how many people can say
they have fragments of silver
in their heart?
how many people can say
I howled at the light
and it didn't shine any brighter
but, shit, so what?
who says we're only howling at the light?
maybe we're howling at the darkness
thanking it for being the mirror
for the light to bounce off of.
or maybe we're howling to ourselves
confirming that we are infact awake
and not dreaming--
that something as beautfiful
as light can exist
and that something as poignant
as darkness can be its requisite.
I guess men can be animals
but animals can't be men.
ahem, howl.
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<Abrade>
Home, I stare
at my empty bed.
Those sheets, that shore.
Imagine a bed
that becomes a sculpture of every night you spend alone, lying
blanketed in the heavy wool itch of loneliness.
A bed veined
with your sighs, stained by the heat of your single body.
One's mattress, stripped bare, is not meant to reveal such intimacies.
It should be clean like bone: function betrayed by form, nothing else. No hint of how I curl to the left,
leaving space on the right.
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I think I guess all I’d really say
If I ever saw you again
Is that I hope you’re doing okay
Like genuinely
I had scraps of other words recorded waiting
For this day
But seeing you so out of the blue
My entire mind went astray
Like I was seeing the universe for the first time again
And everything in the world melted away
Except you
Because you always remain constant
And certain
Even when you’re gone
In my head you’re visage is still strong
And I would tell you that I’m sorry
For all the things I said to you
I was in a dark place, it didn’t occur to me
That you were too
But you made me feel more alive
Than I ever dare wished to
And I guess I’d want to say something cheesy
Like I missed you
But I’d see you there
With your golden hair
And you know I wouldn’t dream to -
To bridge that gap that you closed
So many moons ago now
It’s funny how you still manage
To flood my heart with meaning
The memory of you so powerful and bright
Even though you,
The real you, was so cold and so unfeeling
So I think I guess all I’d really say
If I saw you again
Standing there in front of me
Is that I hope you’re doing okay
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