There was a time where I was searching for peace,
searching for freedom, searching for love.
I cried all day, I cried all night.
I prayed for something without knowing what it was.
I prayed, that I will be forgiven by someone
a greater power I didn't believe in,
but I deeply hoped that it exists
so if I don't forgive myself, at least someone, or something,
with all the qualities I liked,
someone who is all loving, forgiving or accepting
would love, forgive and accept me.
At the lowest of my time I decided to it was over,
I was exhausted.
I had nothing to live for.
I had nothing, lost everything I loved doing in the past.
I had no interests now.
Where did that lively soul go?
Will it return?
Out of luck, if it exists, my plans didn't go as I hoped they would go.
I was still here and it revealed itself to me.
It was always there, but I refused to see.
It was always talking to me but I refuse to listen.
It was always touching me on the deepest levels,
and I refuse to feel it.
How could I be so naïve?
How could I ignore the obvious?
How could I blindly look over it?
It has always been right in front of me, everything.
Yet, I had the audacity, the guts to go find excuses that would justify why things are the way they are, or rather, not how I wanted them to be.
I talked all day,
I complained all night.
this cycle repeated itself for the longest time.
There is just one thing I had to do
and that was to fall into silence and keep quiet.
To listen, to see, to feel,
without ears, without eyes, without touch.
- P
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It was magical, the way she effortlessly captured my soul..
Unrequited, unconditional, unstoppable, her love just ripped through me like a storm..
My heart beating, my breath fast and unsteady, I was completely lost for words..
It was so absolute, she was so certain, I didn’t even have to be heard..
Her smile could have conquered galaxies, but she said “all I want is you”
It was magical, rhetorical, and an unspoken “I know you love me too”
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This thin light languishes
Against my stoneware soul
I am splintered in desert soil
Cracking, cracked, quaking—
Someone make it stop, I am
Imprisoned in this spinning world
Long ago I lost my fear of death
These days I find
I am terrified of life
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How many nights have I dreamt
Of holding you in my arms?
Keeping you safe and loved,
Comforting you.
How many nights have I dreamt
Of seeing your smile?
Your eyes a cloudy mystery to me
But the curve of your mouth
Real and true.
I thought maybe I had you for the briefest of days.
I thought I was learning the shape of your eyes
And the weight of your hand in mine.
But I'll go back to dreaming.
I'll keep dreaming of you each night.
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Cold coffee sitting on the desk,
Ink stains marking up the oak.
In mourning I expect nothing less,
Writing letters to your ghost.
Was that you in the flicker of the candle light?
Was it truth you whispered in the dead of night?
Dark winter,
You were lost in the blizzard.
Was it my name I heard you call?
Is that your silhouette down the hall?
Lost in your hauntings,
Is this a nightmare or a dream?
Moving forward is too daunting,
So instead I'll scribe my screams.
Tear stains hitting the desk,
How much of this is a hoax?
In mourning I expect nothing less,
Writing letters to your ghost.
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I’m not afraid of the dark, it’s comforting being blind..
I’m not worried about the nights.. it’s much darker in my mind..
I don’t hate being alone.. it’s too noisy inside my head..
I don’t need to feel your love.. I can love me instead..
I’m not scared of getting hurt.. I’m accustomed to the pain..
Call me crazy if you want, but I prefer the word “insane”
I’ve never craved affection or companionship, a lover or a friend..
Don’t worry about me my darlings, I know I’ll be alright in the end.
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