I have watched many things about faith. I have read many things about faith. Sometimes I think it is hardest to find faith in yourself when you have depression. Or when you have mental health issues in general. But when you eventually do find faith, in yourself, it really is an empowering thing. It comes and goes as easy as a breeze in the summer. But once you’ve got a taste of it, you just keep trying your best to get more. It can be an addiction.
I set goals for myself. To do things regularly and make a daily goal to be proud of something. I’ve found if I give up in the middle of the goal, I get too anxious and can’t do anything else until I finish. Maybe that is me wanting that “high” of self gratification again. Maybe it is just myself telling me I am not good enough and need to complete a task to be worthy to rest. It’s a double edged sword. One is an addiction (is it healthy?) and the other is self hate. I cannot tell which I would prefer. Do I need another addiction to help me fill the void? And should I become comfortable with only doing one task a day? If I do that, then I feel nothing will get done.
It is hard to determine if I am working on myself or if I am giving myself an excuse. For example, today I finished a mind numbing task of compiling data in an excel spreadsheet of 10,000+ data points into a more comprehensive excel spreadsheet as a final project. (Yes I go on. But I feel this is the way I can talk about myself.) Anyways, once finishing this project I rewarded myself by giving into my alcohol problems and allowing myself to drink. Yes, I was craving a drink. Was it well deserved or was I just doing this in order to drink more? Is it the wrong type of motivation?
It is hard to find motivation and maybe if I use an unhealthy motivation as a way to get myself to do things, then maybe it is okay for the time being. I know I need help, I have looked into it. Maybe I will bring these entries to my therapist’s attention.
I never felt comfortable, or recalled, talking about problems that I face. Mostly when it comes to a therapist. I usually get anxious or worried that it will somehow get back to my parents and I will be more a disappointment. I am an adult. It shouldn’t be a worry, yet it is. I am twenty-two and have lived without my parents for four years. But for some reason I can still hear their nagging voice in my head. I hope it will go away eventually. But for now, I still hear it. It hasn’t gone away.
But... I don’t feel like it will go away. I am so scared it won’t. I know eventually, as time goes on and I don’t have contact with my father, it will get better. I just need to keep a good support group around me.
I hope this is a more positive note to those who decided to listen to me. To people who have decided to read these and maybe look at me for hope... All I have to say is, do the little things for yourself. Take your time and don’t be too harsh and cruel on yourself. Is that your voice or someone else’s? There is hope. I hope one day things will get better for all of us. I have faith that one day, things will be better for all of us. We will no longer hear those annoying voices in our head. We will no longer have that self doubt. Perhaps, instead of being a week long episode, it will be one day out of every two months? That would be nice... Living normally for a whole month except for one day.
I have depressive episodes every week. Sometimes they last for weeks, they used to last for months on end. So I guess that is progress... It has gotten better but it still feels as though I haven’t made enough progress.
Once I was asked, “If you get all that you want, will you truly be happy?” This was asked when I was in high school and wanted to move away from my family. This wasn’t a fair question. At the time, yes I thought all of my problems would magically disappear. I would instantly be cured of all my mental health issues as soon as I got away from my family. But that wasn’t the case. I was scared. Not physically. Mentally I had went through damage that ruined the way I thought. It was this that I didn’t predict. That question had always haunted me. It has always made me feel like I wasn’t making enough progress or doing better. Never let anyone ask you that question. I did hold that person to high standards, appreciating him a lot. But no matter how I felt about him, it wasn’t a fair question. I was too young and naïve to understand what I was going through, let alone what I would face in the future.
Please, if anything I say sticks in your head, don’t ever be hard on yourself. Any progress is good progress. It may be hard to see that and move forward but take each day as one step. We all are still learning, trying to become people because we never truly learned how to. We essentially have to rewire our whole brains, change our way of thinking to make sure that we don’t hold ourselves to too high of standards. If you are able to just do one thing; get out of bed, brush your teeth or hair, take a shower, do laundry or dishes, or maybe just eat breakfast, just know that someone on the internet that you have never met before is proud of you.
It is hard. And I have struggled too. But I am proud of you and what you have done, even if it seems like nothing. Let’s all cheer each other on and be proud of all of our small steps. They may actually be big ones.