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#mental instability
depressedepisode · 33 minutes ago
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Day 2
I have watched many things about faith. I have read many things about faith. Sometimes I think it is hardest to find faith in yourself when you have depression. Or when you have mental health issues in general. But when you eventually do find faith, in yourself, it really is an empowering thing. It comes and goes as easy as a breeze in the summer. But once you’ve got a taste of it, you just keep trying your best to get more. It can be an addiction.
I set goals for myself. To do things regularly and make a daily goal to be proud of something. I’ve found if I give up in the middle of the goal, I get too anxious and can’t do anything else until I finish. Maybe that is me wanting that “high” of self gratification again. Maybe it is just myself telling me I am not good enough and need to complete a task to be worthy to rest. It’s a double edged sword. One is an addiction (is it healthy?) and the other is self hate. I cannot tell which I would prefer. Do I need another addiction to help me fill the void? And should I become comfortable with only doing one task a day? If I do that, then I feel nothing will get done.
It is hard to determine if I am working on myself or if I am giving myself an excuse. For example, today I finished a mind numbing task of compiling data in an excel spreadsheet of 10,000+ data points into a more comprehensive excel spreadsheet as a final project. (Yes I go on. But I feel this is the way I can talk about myself.) Anyways, once finishing this project I rewarded myself by giving into my alcohol problems and allowing myself to drink. Yes, I was craving a drink. Was it well deserved or was I just doing this in order to drink more? Is it the wrong type of motivation?
It is hard to find motivation and maybe if I use an unhealthy motivation as a way to get myself to do things, then maybe it is okay for the time being. I know I need help, I have looked into it. Maybe I will bring these entries to my therapist’s attention. 
I never felt comfortable, or recalled, talking about problems that I face. Mostly when it comes to a therapist. I usually get anxious or worried that it will somehow get back to my parents and I will be more a disappointment. I am an adult. It shouldn’t be a worry, yet it is. I am twenty-two and have lived without my parents for four years. But for some reason I can still hear their nagging voice in my head. I hope it will go away eventually. But for now, I still hear it. It hasn’t gone away.
But... I don’t feel like it will go away. I am so scared it won’t. I know eventually, as time goes on and I don’t have contact with my father, it will get better. I just need to keep a good support group around me. 
I hope this is a more positive note to those who decided to listen to me. To people who have decided to read these and maybe look at me for hope... All I have to say is, do the little things for yourself. Take your time and don’t be too harsh and cruel on yourself. Is that your voice or someone else’s? There is hope. I hope one day things will get better for all of us. I have faith that one day, things will be better for all of us. We will no longer hear those annoying voices in our head. We will no longer have that self doubt. Perhaps, instead of being a week long episode, it will be one day out of every two months? That would be nice... Living normally for a whole month except for one day. 
I have depressive episodes every week. Sometimes they last for weeks, they used to last for months on end. So I guess that is progress... It has gotten better but it still feels as though I haven’t made enough progress.
Once I was asked, “If you get all that you want, will you truly be happy?” This was asked when I was in high school and wanted to move away from my family. This wasn’t a fair question. At the time, yes I thought all of my problems would magically disappear. I would instantly be cured of all my mental health issues as soon as I got away from my family. But that wasn’t the case. I was scared. Not physically. Mentally I had went through damage that ruined the way I thought. It was this that I didn’t predict. That question had always haunted me. It has always made me feel like I wasn’t making enough progress or doing better. Never let anyone ask you that question. I did hold that person to high standards, appreciating him a lot. But no matter how I felt about him, it wasn’t a fair question. I was too young and naïve to understand what I was going through, let alone what I would face in the future. 
Please, if anything I say sticks in your head, don’t ever be hard on yourself. Any progress is good progress. It may be hard to see that and move forward but take each day as one step. We all are still learning, trying to become people because we never truly learned how to. We essentially have to rewire our whole brains, change our way of thinking to make sure that we don’t hold ourselves to too high of standards. If you are able to just do one thing; get out of bed, brush your teeth or hair, take a shower, do laundry or dishes, or maybe just eat breakfast, just know that someone on the internet that you have never met before is proud of you. 
It is hard. And I have struggled too. But I am proud of you and what you have done, even if it seems like nothing. Let’s all cheer each other on and be proud of all of our small steps. They may actually be big ones. 
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dark-wired · 10 hours ago
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I love Holger, and even when I'm having a mental bad spell he's there for me. He understands better than anybody what I'm going through even though the causes are a bit different. He's there to help bring me back to realitly and calm me down when I start to break and I appreciate him for it. I tried my best to help him with the techniques I use for myself when he was DD, and he hasn't forgot that. Sure, neither one of us is 100% there and sane, but we're trying and making progress, even if we do regress sometimes.
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klrkollision · 12 hours ago
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I hate when I cry because of anger. Then I’m angry because of those reasons and because I’m crying.
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halfbloodprincess123 · 14 hours ago
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The kids of tomorrow don’t need today,
When they live in the sins of yesterday.
-red flag//Billy Talent
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nasasgltch · 21 hours ago
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I suffer from depression. But rather than saying “I suffer from depression,” I prefer to say “I fight depression.” And when depression strikes, I strike back. Continue the war
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luvlilacs · a day ago
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haven’t posted on here lately maybe cus i’ve been mentally stable
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story time
just remembered the time my mother found out that I self harmed. she didn't know before and when she first saw it she didn't say anything and just looked at me for a solid 10 seconds and then went "we're gonna go visit your grandparents in half an hour, you better cover that up"
and that's on being thought love is conditional 🥰
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moonl1ghtroses · a day ago
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i ate something with a lot of calories and now i feel extremely guilty what do i do?
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milky-safe-space · a day ago
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Give up. Give up as many times as you need to. It’s not true that you can’t do it. Whoever said ‘’Never give up’’ doesn’t know anything about life. It is in human nature- you though you can do it but it’s not for you anymore, you wanted it but now it makes you sick, you though you can stand it but you can’t. GIVE UP, take few steps back and try something new. Life doesn’t have one story for you. Don’t close your book just because you had to tear out a few pages, just because you stuck. Write something new. It will be so powerful with unexpected ending.
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Fun Fact #8
Honestly, I love my family, I really do...but I know for a fact that when I move out and start to live on my own, for all the shit they unnecessarily put my through all these years, I’m never going to talk to them again unless I absolutely have to.
To the people that say you shouldn’t cut off your family because at the end of the day that’s all we have...I really feel like it’s those same people that’s never had to grow up in a toxic environment that unknowingly gave birth to traumas that caused numerous mental health problems that have to be endured in their later years that turn basic everyday tasks into overwhelming obstacles that have to be conquered daily if they have any hope of living a mediocre life.
Like I’m barely into my twenties and I’ve had to survive more than 5 psychotic episodes and daily panic attacks along with currently having to deal with major depressive disorder...if that’s not fucked up then I don’t know what is
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the-darkside-xx · a day ago
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All I can think, when I stare longingly at the trees outside; is that I wish I was tied to it with a noose around my neck. Endless sleep.
Then I ask myself, why waste time dreaming about it, if you're never going to do it?
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deuseaux · a day ago
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May 7th, 2021
I definitely love her. Not that I ever doubted that, but something solidified the idea of her undying permanence and, for once, I had a positive reaction to the idea of being stuck
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itsmetheabnormalone · a day ago
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I finally called a psychologist and my name is on the waiting list
I’m kinda proud of myself rn 🥺😭
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moonl1ghtroses · a day ago
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you know when you almost faint when you get up, while your stomach growls in hunger? you know when you’re feeling nauseous except it’s not because you caught a virus but because you haven’t eaten in so long? you know when your “morning skinny” isn’t enough? you know when a bmi under 18.5 still doesn’t look sick enough for people to care?
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stopitpleasexx · a day ago
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Just here to rant
I had a camp with all my friends and I ended up having an emotional breakdown, I told them what I have done to myself and what my brain tells me. I broke a wall, a wall Anna had built for me to protect me. She’s so mad but food tastes sickly sweet and I just want more. Hope I don’t fall too far down the hole. My psychologist told me I’m depressed but I don’t feel like confronting that. The one thing keeping my brain stable is the fact that my collarbones are pretty and my shoulders are boney. Also I’m sick at the moment which is really helping my brain stay out of the fog
The fog that drifts around your brain when you don’t know what’s good for you and you don’t know how to make it stop. Anybody reading this can do anything they put their mind. You are all so so strong ❤️
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