IN THE CUT’S TOP 10 PERSONAL SELF-REFLECTIVE FILMS
8 1/2 (1963); directed by Federico Fellini
SUNSET BLVD. (1950); directed by Billy Wilder
SYNECDOCHE, NEW YORK (2008); directed by Charlie Kaufman
PARIS, TEXAS (1984); directed by Wim Wenders
THE 400 BLOWS (1959); directed by François Truffaut
BEWARE OF A HOLY WHORE (1971); directed by Rainer Werner Fassbinder
SCREAM (1996); directed by Wes Craven
APOCALYPSE NOW (1979); directed by Francis Ford Coppola
THE GRADUATE (1968); directed by Mike Nichols
THE ROYAL TENENBAUMS (2001); directed by Wes Craven
GIFS CREATED BY:
8 1/2: @jakeledgers
SUNSET BLVD.: @connerys
SYNECDOCHE, NEW YORK: @flamboyantdepressed
PARIS, TEXAS: @myellenficent
THE 400 BLOWS: @absentpresence
APOCALYPSE NOW: @sahind
THE GRADUATE: @blairwitchz
THE ROYAL TENENBAUMS:
honestly though i feel bad having any demands for ts10 because literally everything i’ve wanted has come true so like...how could i ever complain
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I don’t know who I am most days.
Some days I’ll wake up confident with the blood of fearless warriors running through my veins. Other days I wake up with no other desire than to be the warm soft presence that reminds every soul that they are loved.
I don’t where the balance is, but I am ready to find it.
I’m anxious to meet myself finally.
I got tagged by @morninggloryworm and sort of by @strawberry-jan too to post some bits of writing I’ve done that I like, which of course meant that I immediately forgot everything I’ve ever written and had to do some re-reading
we got 4 from published fics: Cross Your Heart and Hope to Die, Pretty Little Things, Bullet Drop, and In The B(l)uff.
the last one is a lil sneak peek of what I’m in the middle of writing, a Saejima/Majima fic where I explode Y5′s plot by having Majima decide fuck it, he’s jumping into jail too (it’s going to be stupid long. like bigger than CYHaHtD I’m almost certain. gonna try to post it in actual chapter updates instead of writing The Entire Thing First like every previous fic lmao)
Anyone following me who wants to post their own stuff, go for it! I want to see!!
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Gratitude - 10/05/2021
Feelings This Evening:
Today I am grateful for:
A nice walk this morning.
Managing not to check when driving home even though I felt like I wanted to.
A lovely tea with my daughter.
People who can make you see things differently and understand things better.
Educating myself on topics I feel passionate about and realising my own beliefs and views in life.
Getting used to being out of the house more often after the past year. It’s still hard and fairly small steps compared to many but I'm making progress for myself and fighting hard against my Anxiety.
I barely remember anything from my childhood which may not sound concerning, but I often have very shifty memory in general. Not to mention the rest of the meaty mess inside my head.
However, I do remember a few moments of inaproriate touching by my parents, their daily physical feuds, and some of the abuse and neglect. My dad recently died of cancer and I hate people saying “im sorry“ and “this must be so hard for you”. I couldnt care less about that dead fuck. He fucked my even worse mom and had me, a bastard child, while he was still married. Then proceded to be a porn-watching deadbeat that got kicked out when I was like 6 or 7. Not to mention he tried to shoot my grandfather. Although I keep having doubts that he might not have been that bad of a person, since my mom hated his guts and might have influenced the way I saw him.
My mom is such a control freak, its the reason all her relationships end once they start living toghether lol. Seriously she tries so desperately to controll every little thing about me but I’m such a fucking brat, or “ungratefull creature” as she likes to call me. You have no idea how many times she’s told me “I dont want to be seen with you looking like that” every time I wear something more radical or goth. She’s beaten me, taken my stuff, broken my stuff, touched me inapropriately, degraded and mocked me, used me as a tool, never shown any affection towards me, threathened me with her life, fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her.
Tbh my grandparents where there for me more than my parents and they also tought me how to cook, knit, ride a bike, fix a bike, ferment alcohol, and other home skill stuff. Buuuuut my grandparents hate me now cos I’m not religious soo.... They literally said “Why were you born like this” when I told them I dont believe in god. Imagine how they would react if I told them I like women.
Now we can get to the idea that what doesn’t make sense is due to a lack of experience. My mind is too abstract to stop there. I see truth in the inexplicable.
Side note: I wrote this before I realized that it is a New moon in Taurus lol. If you’re into astrology, Taurus basically rules the senses. Thanks to Venus being it’s ruler and the planet of pure sensuality. The universe is showing me that I have all the tools I need to explore.
Take care of yourself! You’ll lose your mind trying to establish only a piece of who you are. Don’t leave the rest of you behind. Forgive yourself for wanting more. We get stuck trying to belong somewhere.
I will give myself grace and allow myself to make mistakes. It is not the end of the world to accidentally misstep in a social situation.
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I mean I definitely see why the Void House was cut, it does sound like a cool but overall useless feature. It is, however, fascinating as a concept in relation to Corvo’s character. The man wakes up one day posessing some cursed magic and one of the first things he learns to do is make an out of space and time room he can lock himself in just to take a break. Incredible.
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Before I can sufficiently love anyone else
I have learn to fall in love with myself
One day I'll have my union--strong, stable, and secure
But before that can even happen, the value in myself has to mature
One day I'll truly feel "Until Death Do We Part"
But only after I become my own work of art
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At laaaaaaaaaaasT!!!!!!!! A PLAYLIST MADE FOR MOI THAT ACTUALLY WAS REFLECTING MY MOOD PRETTY WELL
„For I do not exist: there exist but the thousands of mirrors that reflect me. With every acquaintance I make, the population of phantoms resembling me increases. Somewhere they live, somewhere they multiply. I alone do not exist.“
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One Idea Have Changed my Complete Life
I’d like to consider myself a considerate person.
I’m someone who will text my friend while flossing my teeth because I care more about the conversation than efficient dental care.
Or one time I physically left my house to brush my teeth outside so I wouldn’t wake my mom up (I have an electric toothbrush, it’s loud)
Really, the number of times I’ve put others above dental hygiene is insane.
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Self love means no apologies for being love, no shame, no embarrassment, no matter how, what, who, where, or why.
Self love is not a selfish love, but a bolstering of love from within cultivated by as many loving thoughts as possible, as much as possible about yourself and others, and the subsequent actions that follow that positive momentum.
Regaining trust from within has been my goal for years now. I sold myself out a lot, as we all do to fit in sometimes, but I made a vow that I would try to become and lead with the real me in my life. And the real, honest, authentic me, as it is all of us, is love. So, as a result, I’ve tried to make better choices about the thoughts and beliefs that I entertain. It also means appreciating the love as I notice it.
So, that said, I will say, to all of you, which is most likely just me, Happy Mother’s Day to a mom that tries her hardest to show her son the way to love as much as humanly possible; and of which every single one of us is so deserving.
And to all my Moms, I say thank you, for the love, and the devotion to it, and me, even when it wasn’t easy, and I didn’t recognize it.
And thank you to all the moms out there, who take their jobs of their, and all kids very seriously. The moms who do their best to build all children up, and support and care for them as they grow into the next generation of loving human beings. For that, I thank you.
Love is here. Feel it. 💕💐
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my dad: you, someone who forgets to say good morning, and has a fundamental lack of understanding of polite speech, forgot to wish you mom a happy mother’s day. you’re an awful person despite complimenting her today, and being nice and respectful to her regardless of the date.
me: *has repeatedly had to comfort and defend my grandmother, his own mom, after he yells, belittles, and insults her* holy shit how does he not know???
Maya Angelou, a true believer in the way that humanity can become, with acts of kindness. Humans like us have all kinds of reasons to behave in ways of “not kind”. We decide to feel a certain way, and then become justified in the way we don’t have to be ourselves, a loving people. Withholding the love is the biggest way we decide to not engage in who we truly are. The acts of kindness fall by the wayside when our hurt takes precedence over love. Our acts become stilted and stuck, they become riddled in judgement and full of the “whys” and the “why nots” of not love because of the way others have once treated us. But the truth remains that that was then, and our now is a new moment to experience. So feeling into the now, will open us up to the “yes” to all of the love. It allows us to shed the pain of the past, and feel the love that is possible when we let fear go, and the love, in.
Opening up to love isn’t always the easiest choice to make when we are still choosing to experience the old stories of our past, and the past of our ancestors. But the reality is, is that we are the deciders of a new way of being, and a new way of interacting in every moment, of every day. The beliefs we hold true are the ones that determine if the love shows up or doesn’t. And the acts of kindness extended and recognized are our own choice to acknowledge and accept.
Feeling good isn’t a way of life, it is the goal of life. Life isn’t the determining factor of your happiness, you are. Joining forces with others creates a more powerful way of experiencing ourselves. We can do more, and be more together than apart. The aspects of love will remain the same if we decide to leave them where they are. They will build and flourish with the usage of them. The recognition of love is the key. The choice to accept the love that one is offering, even if it’s not in the way we expected or prefer is a start to a forging of the new way of peace. Forgiveness is a word that people use to placate the hurt of the past from another. But the choice to love bypasses blame, and creates a new moment of clarity and happiness that everyone can equally share.
Letting go of the past is the way to holding the now, lighter, present moment. And the way to love is the choice we all have to combat the same energy that has always been. The energy that is often not appreciated by anyone. So including and becoming all of us, fellow humans, instead of a chosen few important people is the decision that kindness would make, and is the best for everyone. The human race is what we all are first and foremost; so focusing on that, instead of the minutiae of differences will get us there faster than past blame.
Love one another, and the love will become the dominant force, and vibration for the entire planet. Humans asked for the change, and the change is coming. Decide how it comes, and what it will feel like. deliberately. Choose love.
So laugh, and be merry, and celebrate life, and one another. Because life and people are the way you see them, and no other way. No more shame or judgement, of ourselves and others that hold all of us back from seeing who we truly are. Only self love leading to the love of the whole of us from now on! Yes. Happy Mother’s Day, inspired by the spirit of mama maya, a very wise and giving mother to us all with the messages of love she left us to remind us of ourselves, and from me, mama k. 💕
Gratitude - 09/05/2021
Feelings This Evening:
Today I am grateful for:
A nice walk this morning with my Step-Mum. My daughter really enjoyed it and was really smiley. I can really see her getting more confident around other people and it makes me feel good.
That I felt brave enough to make myself go into a food shop for the first time since early March 2020. It was kind of spur of the moment which is actually quite rare for me but sometimes it does happen like that when it comes to my Anxieties.
I didn’t redrive my route on the way home even though I was anxious and felt like I wanted to.
Having a nice time playing in the garden this afternoon.
Cooking us a lovely tea.
My husband has been out today so it’s been a nice evening having him back home.