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#spilled feelings
sixsixtysixinkblots · 22 minutes ago
It is so strange that infantilism turns me on because when i am not turned on, being treated like a child( which includes being dissed, not taken seriously enough, being patronized, told off, disciplined in any manner whatsoever) pisses the jesus out of me. I feel like ripping the hide of the condescending fuck and wearing their skin for the day. I feel compelled to do exactly the opposite of what I am expected to do, or directly asked to do. I take special time and energy to make them elaborately pay.The most interesting thing about this is that I would never feel sexually attracted to a very condescending person because I would specifically feel obligated to torture them into a screaming mess or interpret the whole situation as a narcissist's tantrum and just work them accordingly. I would however get turned on by the same thing in bed that pisses me off in regular life among other things that I get turned on by and most of it being psychological abuse of one sort or the other. Where is this switch in my brain? How does this even work? This is infuriating because I want to understand this and it nags me just enough to pester me when I can't sleep and i want to watch extreme porn but not enough to question my sanity throughout the day. I know people like a lot of crazy things but sometimes I am terrified of not being able to draw the line like the people who have conflicted opinions about child pornography and snuff. Why do I like being psychologically abused in bed? This change in me has occurred in the recent past. I find myself offensively snoring at vanilla. Nowadays I have also developed this attitude where I have stopped giving enough of a fuck about the other person to moan and pretend to like it. The last thing probably stems from being let down by people who I feel I have given too much to and gotten too little from, people who have abused me or rejected me in some way or the other. I no longer feel obligated to show or feel affection, in fact I feel a deep satisfaction when I upset, hurt, create negative sentiments, let down, torment, laugh at or belittle those that show me sexual affection. I feel vindicated and genuinely exhilarated when they cry from humiliation but this is not a sexual feeling and I do not find any real motivation or justification to change this about myself. Then logically I should get turned on by dominating my partner too? What is this black magic? The tragedy is that there is no real time in my life to research this either.
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cyberbreadphilosopher · 29 minutes ago
She had been waiting to subtly say something nice to him.
Naturally, It all came out wrong.
She scratched at my own wounds
Heard screechings of her own heart.
It began with letters
That turned into words
What started off with smirks
Had turned to Love.
One morning
Woke up
A maladorous mistress
Dressed up in agony,
Distressed as she left.
Her letters reeked of him
And never knew of another.
Abandoning Love, brought her no good
Except for two hearts to wither.
Of days and night and twilights unlived,
She sent him words on parchments wraped in prayers.
For words could have scattered off the letters unloved,
But prayers were to never shatter unheard.
Letters; little rememberances of hearts that thumped love.
Prayers; reassertion of the Love that she never got over with.
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sixsixtysixinkblots · an hour ago
I laboriously spend late today night searching for the hundreds of school friends that i remember only the first names of and I am like fuuuuuck.. what the hell have I done with my life???? Look at them.. they are superstars all over the world and me?? I spent middle school and high school ranting against rat race and wanting to be a revolutionary novelist and here I am.. a pseudo-failure, failing at everything including failing enough for inspiration and succeeding enough to write an impressive bio on facebook. I merely exist and shall have only a marriage affidavit to validate whatever time is left not being sick. I have done nothing worth the time i have spent surviving on earth. I did not help anyone enough to land me a certificate or even struggle to write and let my time fail me. What is the purpose of this drudgery? After all this time will I only end up having daughter, sister, niece, wife, mother and consumer to my name? Have i failed existence or has existence failed me?
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soulwr1ter · 2 hours ago
Restless Night
I don’t like
carrying negative
emotions with me
into my sleep
or else
they will
just lay
there with me
and instead
I will just
stare restlessly
at the ceiling
awaiting sleep
to befall me
only it never quite
the morning does
All writing belongs to me.
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cyberbreadphilosopher · 3 hours ago
Read him all of the letters you never sent,
Read him your day-to-day self rants.
Take him places you've never been to in years,
Hint him towards all the unshed tears.
Words are no napkins, if you're wondering some to send,
You had a whiter beginning and a bleak dark End,
He carries a casket while you carry the weight,
Your stories say the difference, on this very date.
Or it could just be the other way round!
You've never been a mind very sound.
He carries the weight maybe the casket's your own,
Maybe its the fear, having emotions disowned.
It wasn't as bleak as its sounding End
Back to the time, where the story began.
Wrap your head around the edges n sharpened bends,
Re-tell the end of this story (again).
M. Anjum
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Give me movies I already know.
Books that bring me comfort.
Familiar stories I can cling to.
While the around me spirales out of control.
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wimpykid-hs · 4 hours ago
I still love you with the heart,
Which you filled in with all the scars
I know you would have stopped if you wished
Thinking of times under the stars we kissed
Thought I was not just your another shot
But now I think you just forgot
How much you loved me... and I do still
Now I am taking all those depression pills
I wish I could recall you all that again
While crying over the coffee stain
Which you got from the beachwood cafe
Your happy disappointed face
When it ruined your favourite jacket
Yesterday I saw you at the southern market
Exactly where we both started
You pulled your arm around her neck
As you saw me starring from the back
Then you pulled her in for a kiss
And she didn't even dared to miss
Acted cool like you didn't gave a damn,
And I like to think you still wanna be my man!
And then the half smile on my face
Keep it as the last memory of me just in case.
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sixsixtysixinkblots · 6 hours ago
Somehow today, when I remember that old college where I made my first best friends, where I created my first true anger, which made me and ruined me; I just know that the place is a congealing mass of dead dump. It hurts like the passing of a bittersweet moment and it hurts that when I look back, I shall never see it again, it hurts that I cannot push back and fight everything but I know that those that were meant to fight only fought at photographic moments because of the popularity incentive. There was really no true soul to begin with and no true soul left and the ramparts of a building without a soul cannot hold. Adios Presidency! You too now live in a well captured moment.
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puddingstro · 6 hours ago
Let's fall in love again when we meet by chance if 'someday' allow us, maybe the ending would be different by that time.
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merylldotpng · 8 hours ago
I’ve known “Distance” for as long as I remember. I was reminded of the song I used to play in my head while reading a novel way back in high school. Today, the song had a different meaning. It just hits uniquely. The feeling of longing for someone you haven’t met physically. The lingering thoughts of his voice. The yearning for talking and calling. The urge to comfort someone from afar. It is somehow frustrating. You feel helpless in this kind of situation. But... for now,  “I'll make sure to keep my distance, Say I love you when you're not listening” because that’s what I think can do for now. “And I keep waiting For you to take me” Bub, I hope you’ll read this. I’m here, okay? Even with the distance that we have right now, it will not change the fact that I love you and I will wait for you. You’ll get through it and WE will get through it. Je t'aime.
--- The sun is filling up the room, And I can hear you dreaming. Do you feel the way I do, right now? I wish we would just give up, 'Cause the best part is falling. Calling anything but love. And I will make sure to keep my distance, Say I love you when you're not listening, How long, can we keep this up, up, up? Please don't stand so close to me I'm having trouble breathing. I'm afraid of what you'll see, right now. I'll give you everything I am, All my broken heartbeats. Until I know you'll understand. And I will make sure to keep my distance, Say I love you when you're not listening, How long, can we keep this up, up, up? And I keep waiting For you to take me And you keep waiting To save what we had So I'll make sure to keep my distance, Say I love you when you're not listening, How long, can we keep this up, up, up? Make sure to keep my distance, Say I love you when you're not listening, How long, 'til we call this love, love, love?
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angelunthinkable · 8 hours ago
You don’t grow
I remember going to the sea thinking I might die there someday. Someone once told me that hypothermia is the best way to go but getting to that stage feels like hell. I must have seen more hospitals than actually beds, doctors frowning my direction in disbelief some nurses holding my hand. Telling them how I ended up here, how I fell in love with a villain, how he fucked me eyes wide open, whispering "I love you" Craving those 60 years he promised me. I threw up, ached in my own spit while still bleeding her out of me.
The first time I cried as a mother. I never held you but you are more beautiful than all the things I dream. I called you Lilli for it sounded like joyful spring. I died in that moment, I revisit it sometimes to feel you. I revisit it for the knowledge of reality. It wasn't a nightmare, I can't revive you ever. You’re unborn like my hope for happiness. Like the slowed whisper of his voice echoing away. You are real, so real almost more vividly existing than me. I let go of you every hour of each day, finding you closer smothering me than ever.
I get older but you don't grow. Envisioning your fingertips and nails, lashes, cheeks. I almost touch your face, I almost feel you wrapped against my body. Always silent, always in a hurry to fade. You are irretrievable yet so very close. When he talks about you I laugh it's the only thing I know how to survive in. I wonder if he knows the way you bleed in me. If he feels a fraction of it lingering in his own heart. I try to escape the subject yet he wants my response on his provocation "You wouldn't have been a good mom anyway." And I take a bullet through my stomach as I shrug my shoulders. He wants to be right to ease it maybe. Yet I would have started wars for you. I would have devoured the world for a singular moment of your breathing. I would have loved you so hard and vast that it goes beyond anything alive but I reply with "probably" cos he must not even believe I'm capable of being anything other than crazy. He must not even believe when I close my eyes I tremble embracing your shadow.
I lie awake at the bottom of the sea, piano waves and serenity and bleeding and bleeding. Flinch awake you’re just an earthquake in me. A storm hauntingly shrieking for my attention and I wait to depart in it. I get older but you don’t grow small ghost, you don’t grow.
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soulwr1ter · 8 hours ago
You will meet someone whose soul fascinates you. Someone who seems magical despite all their flaws. Someone that you will spend a lifetime trying to uncover every single magical aspect of who they are.
-J.Wool, Soul Whispers
All writing belongs to me.
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allthereasonsifellforyou · 11 hours ago
I fell in love with the way you grin when I catch you sneaking photos of me. I can never bring myself to hate the photos you take, because I’m always happy with you.
- MD
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whiskedthought · 11 hours ago
No I’m sorry I am not ready to be mature as you want me to be. I can’t , I won’t. How can you lay up the pile of responsibilities to look after the world saying that you’ll be gone soon. I deny this. I’m still a kid. I’m just 20 , how can you expect me to be selfless and take everything in my arms and nourish it. When I’m giving it all the warmth who’s gonna look after the kid in me ? What about my hope and dreams ? What about my desires to just leave pieces of me in every word that I write ? What about my inner self ? Don’t I owe her the nourishment more. No matter how much I deny it maybe I’ll end up doing as you’ve demanded me to. Maybe I’ll lose myself on the line. Maybe I won’t exist anywhere. Maybe. Just maybe.
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anoukriti07bhasin · 14 hours ago
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arcane (adj.) secret, mysterious, understood only by a few ● ● ● ♡ ● ● ● ♡ ● ● ● "My heart beats so loud, so fast, so desperate to show that there is something alive within me. Something worth saving. Something worth fighting for. Something real." -- Anoukriti Bhasin
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