It’s started in the summer when I turned seven. Summers lead me to play by myself for almost three months. 8am-6pm I was alone while my mother stared at the wall and grandmother muddling in her own affairs. Looking back it makes sense when I met him. Well, he wasn’t a him just yet. He was Cody from sweet life on deck, Who I had a crush on. Spending time creating us roaming threw the isolating woods that surrounded my small trailer made my loneliness disappear.
It was fun.
“All good fun” my mother would say when I told her about my day. “I remember when I had an imaginary friend.”
I knew he wasn’t real and one day he would become a fleeting memory. But he never did. Cody did, but who played as him never did. He didn’t look like Cody did, no most the time he didn’t look like anything. He would just linger beside me as I created worlds for myself to play in.
I was the youngest in the family. The last fruit of a dying tree.
My mother had me unexpectedly and I spent most my time as a child with myself in make believe. Sometimes my cousin, Anna, who was four years older then me would come around but beside that I didn’t have many kids to play with. At school I had friends but never any that lived near me. Leaving me to myself afternoons and holidays.
My mother played games with me when she could but her own issues caused her to always hold me at arms length.
So I had him. He didn’t have a name unless I thought it was necessary for whatever story We were acting out.
It wasn’t until my early teen years that I gave him a name. Lucas. It was between that or Andrew as at the time I saw him as a male version of myself. I knew he didn’t actually existed but it keep myself from being bored. I spent most my free time daydreaming of him.
He was my side kick, my funny guy. He was bold and never stood down. He was what I wanted to be at the shy age of thirteen.
I didn’t really speak to him much, just thought about different scenarios of us when I should’ve payed attention in class. The only time I spoke to him was when he comforted me when I was a sobbing mess.
I had bullies, not because they knew I had an imaginary friend but because I was a fat ginger girl who didn’t have clothes that fit her right, either to tight or too loose, and wasn’t interested in typical things, like make up or boys. I was scared of one and found boys to be too smelly to bother with.
Lucas never cared about that. I’ll just imagine him stoking my hair and telling me it’ll be alright. That I’m okay.
It was a coping mechanism. I never told my mom about the bullying because I was scared she’ll be mad at me or make it worst. I didn’t have anyone at school, the girls I was friends with were also good friends with my bullies. I felt stuck. Lucas and my daydreams was the only thing I had that made me happy.
So I kept them around, it got too the point I’ll rather do that then work. I almost failed 7th grade if I hadn’t snapped my self out of it.
“You can’t keep doing this.” Lucas paced in my room, my old floorboard not making a peep. I frown and look away from my laptop, whatever game or fanfic I was reading could wait.
“What do you mean? It’s Saturday, moms asleep.” I mutter out, I don’t usually speak to Lucas out loud, unless I’m completely alone.
“I’m not talking about that. Your sims family is doing extremely well- no I’m talking about this. Me. I’m the reason your failing.”
He looked completely real at that moment. Face sharply upset as the moonlight danced on his clear skin.
“No, you’re the reason I’m even going to school. I wouldn’t pay any attention to you if I was there.” I quipped, eyes glancing back at my paused game.
“No-Hey, pay attention.” He demands, he sounds frantic and for a moment I’ve scared myself that I shut the laptop. My whole attention is on the empty space in front of my bed. Lucas is pacing again, before he flings onto my bed.
“You need to pay attention in class more or you’ll be held back.”
“Lucas,” I get cut off by nothing.
“No, you don’t understand if you fail, they will want to know why. And if they find out that your daydreaming or that you still have me. I’ll be gone-o and you’ll be in the nuthouse.”
I’m silent, tears peak threw. I hadn’t thought of that, or I did but hadn’t really acknowledged it. I get off my bed and to my desk, moving around enough that my mother comes in.
“Annie? Who are you talking to.”
“Oh.” I say as I’m writing down a math problem . “Just Allyson, she reminded me we had homework this weekend.”
“Oh, well go to bed soon it’s almost midnight.”
“I will.” I lied as I stared at the first problem, the X taunting me.
The rest of the school year I strictly forbid myself from thinking of anything that wasn’t about a class. Only time that I daydreamed was on the bus rides home and in my early sleep as I dreamed of a monster kidnapping and falling in love with me. Lucas there as one of the monster henchmen, who gave me words of wisdom when I felt distraught.
“Look at you, my high school sweetheart.”
He slurred threw giant fangs as I left my middle school graduation. My mother hurrying me to the car so she didn’t have to be in the large group of people. She didn’t like people. I giggled as I waved goodbye to my friends, I had planned to spend the night at my friend Allyson’s a few times over the summer.
She and another girl were the first real friends that made me felt a little less lonely. I spent that summer and the next three lounging at Allyson pool leaving Lucas at the back of my mind to collect dust.
Lost in Space Part 10: Ch 1
Summary: Significant changes have occurred while she was unconscious. One of them includes the imprisonment of Syco. Part 10 deals with the unnamed Space Explorer and her reconciliation.
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Beyond this cubic rock formation and the taiga beneath our dangling feet, the sun began to rise. The sky started to fade from red, pink, and purple to blue and a golden yellow as the fiery orb rose above our heads, and the animals beneath, between, and within the fir, spruce, and pine trees bellowed their yawns and growls. Birds flew above the greenery, and one fluttered towards us. Their interest was towards the small stream of water between us, though. Nearly two decades ago, before it happened, the animals on our planet would never dare to do such. They feared us for the most part. After everything, the aftermath of the invasion, both humans and animals have learned we should not fear each other but instead fear what lies beyond the limits of our touch because if we cannot touch it, then we do not know it. There was a reason God separated us from them. We learned this painfully well. Out of the ten thousand survivors of the initial attack, only one thousand survived the rebellion, barely a fraction of Earth’s population before we met Hell.
For ten years, we planned, survived, and lost. I lost my right leg when trying to save the girl to my right, the one staring at that very scar. Her name was Ashley. She changed her name to Kaishi a few years back because she no longer wanted to be associated with her parents. Those scumbags tried to exchange her life for those demons in exchange for theirs. She was a girl, after all. Apparently, her parents pushed for a boy five other times. All miscarriages. The only child that came from their selfish efforts could not possibly run their family business. Up to now, I do not know what their family business was. I never want to ask because I never want her to relive those memories of pressure, hatred, and depression. So, I barely know about Kaishi’s family besides knowing her grandmother, though unfortunately, for a short time, she was the only one that showed her love until I came into her life. Her name is the way it is now because of her. It is what her grandmother would call her. I wish I met that woman because I want to thank her. If it was not for her, then the love of my life would not be here. She would instead be in an urn in some fancy mausoleum, collecting dust as she would have been forgotten because she would have ended her life at the shocking age of five.
I place my hand on the side of her face and wipe away the tear with my thumb. “It’s okay. It’s over now,” I assured her. My throat was tired from all the shouting I had to do, so my words came out scratchy, almost harsh. I still can’t believe I led the last push in taking back our home. The lives of nine thousand nine hundred and ninety-nine people were entrusted into my hands. They looked at me, and in return, I finally let them rest.
Kaishi leaned into the touch, placed her hand above my own, closed her eyes, and kissed my hand. I’ve spent years with her, my childhood, and my early adulthood, but I blush at the touch. My cheeks heat up more when she looks into my eyes and smiles. I’ve gone through all the motions with her, first to third base, yet here I am, gushing over the quick and soft contact. I suppose if you loved them once, you could learn to love them again, or maybe it’s because we finally get to officially be together.
Her short, red hair blew with the wind. She cut it just above her shoulders and dyed it back to red the night she chose to change her name. She changed her whole identity that night. No, she finally took back her identity.
The bird flapped its wings and flew away. For some reason, the sight caused my heart to drop. Kaishi’s mouth moved, but I couldn’t hear it. I asked her to repeat. I couldn’t listen to her because of the wind, or so I thought. When I asked her again, her grip on my hand tightened. “Kaishi?” She lowered her head, and I saw her shoulders move up and down. She was laughing. “Kaishi, my love, what’s going on? What’s wrong—”
She stood up. Her boots dragged against the rock beneath us as she did so. Both her hair and back were hunched forward. The very hand that clawed into the back of my own is now covered in blood, my blood. I stumbled back up using the two-handed sword I stole from those demons a few years back on our first raid. My eyes wandered back to her bloody nails. I watched my blood drip down from her nails and her brushing her hair away from her face so that I could watch her tongue slip from her pink lips, almost like how a snake slithers out from its burrow, tasting her flavored cherry chapstick before sensually licking my blood off of her fingers. She looked directly into my eyes as she did so.
In another context, my stomach wouldn’t be churning, and I wouldn’t be forcing out a shout. My pleas for answers are met with silence. Kaishi has smiled plenty of times at me before, each I’ve loved, but not this one. This one gets me riled. “I said stop, Kaishi!”
She did so and lowered her hand, but it’s because of that head tilt with those dead eyes that has me even more confused and especially worried. She stepped forward, and I did as well, with my other hand reaching out towards her. The love of my life, my soulmate, reached out towards me with tears pouring out of those soulless eyes, but right when our fingers are about to touch, she yanks away her hand and jumps off the cliff. I foolheartedly lunged towards her and dropped my sword in my rush. It comes clattering down when, upon my stomach hitting the edge. It hurts, but what I see next hurts even more. I bawled my eyes out and clutched my hand, digging and piercing into my palm, as I curled up into a ball.
All those years of pain. All those years of planning, hoping for this day, and she gave it all away. The day I lost my leg was the day I thought I lost her. If only that version of me knew how lucky she was. I was on the floor reminiscing. The day I met her, I was alone in a field crying. Now nearly twenty years later, I’m alone on this cliff crying. I was in the fetal position until I noticed the mini waterfall, now red, almost black. The way it’s chugging down isn’t like a moment ago. It’s sluggish, almost thick. God, it is blood. I immediately scramble away, but I’m stopped in my tracks when my back hits something hard.
It’s a shadowy figure. With whatever that thing is lowering its head to look down at me, I dash for my sword and get back up. Although it is plenty worn, blent, and scratched up, I point my dagger that’s been resting underneath my chest plate at the thing. It cocks its head, mimicking what Kaishi did before she left me, left me alone with whatever that is. I gulp down my breakfast. It burns my throat, causing me to cough. “Whatever the hell you are, please, I’m not in the mood to fight.”
Their build matches my own. I don’t see any weapons on them, but that’s what causes my hand to shake because that means I don’t know what that thing is capable of. Steady. Assess your situation. Look for a weak point, if any.
They step forward, but I step backward. The next step, I lunge at the faceless figure with gritted teeth, but they dodge. I turn and swing. My blade goes right through it, and I hit the ground and drop the small knife. I feel my chin scrape, but I brush the pain aside and focus on my frustration. I just killed the commander of those alien freaks about an hour ago, so sure, I’m damn tired, but I still shouldn’t be slacking like this. I roll, turning myself back to facing up, but that thing is looking away from me. Everything around me has either become engulfed in flames or has lost its color. The sky is covered in black clouds. What was once a new day, a fresh start, has now seemed to turn into the end. I cuss, but I just mouth it because I am too shocked to say it out loud. I manage to ask what happened as if it knew more than me, though. In response, it just continues its silence but turns back to look at me. It moves towards me. My eyes dart from the left then to the right. I stop it in its tracks when I point my sword straight at its neck. “After all we’ve been through,” my voice cracks as I continue my crying, “Please, this isn’t how it should end. What’s happening?”
Something told me no matter how much I begged for answers, the thing wouldn’t share. It also told me it’s not like it knew any to begin with, but once you lose it all, you become desperate. You become irrational to keep yourself sane.
A hand rested on my shoulder. I turned, dropped my sword, and froze because its owner is Kaishi. She’s wrecked. The fabric of her outfit is covered in rips and holes. Kaishi’s body is covered in bruises, a big one has spread across her chest, and both her right arm and leg are bent the wrong way. Blood, this time her’s, leaking from her head and the cuts from the places her armor had fallen off from because of the battle we barely managed to win, but apparently a war we lost. I let this mangled figure, one I still love, place her broken hand on my chin. She doesn’t wipe away my tears, but she brushes away the strands of hair covering my eyes. My love has become a corpse smile and blush as she metaphorically jabs her hand into my chest and yanks my still-pumping heart with ecstasy, “I’ve never loved you.”
“How can I ever love someone that let me die?
“No, I-I didn’t. You—”
“You let all of us die!”
Circling me is everyone. Those that died on the mission stood here with cuts, bullet holes, and stab wounds. Their wounds are as fresh as the last time I saw them before we wrapped them up and buried them. Also, here are those that have died long before the mission. They also appear the same way I last saw them. Adding to my pain are people I know the names of, but I don’t quite remember them. In unison, “You’ve failed all of us.”
I lower my head and mumble, “No, I didn’t. I didn’t mean to. I tried saving all of you. I did the best I could, everything I could have done.”
She lifts my head and continues to hit me where it hurts in front of the now-silent crowd, “And yet it wasn’t good enough. You weren’t ever good, but you knew this all along. Didn’t you?” She’s right. I shouldn’t have taken leadership because we would still have a world and each other. “You tried to be the hero, but the thing about that is that they only live in fiction. Let me give you some advice, love, there are two types of people. There are dreamers, those that live in fiction, and there are realists, those that live in the real world.”
My head slumped forward once she let go. I watched my tears splatter onto my floor and saw my hands shake beneath me. I let the fires consume me. The screams from the animals below and from the figures around me have me spit out my breakfast.
“This isn’t how it’s supposed to end because it isn’t real.” The one that said that sounded exactly like me.
The one that said that was the faceless figure. Actually, no, it’s no longer a faceless figure because as it squeezed through the crowd, it morphed into me. While we have the same voice and now the same face, it's outfit isn’t the same as the one I have. Theirs is a black and white space suit minus the helmet.
“What are you all doing? Don’t you dare let her through. Stop her,” who I thought was my lover commanded the crowd.
They did not react quick enough. Me? I? She came sliding in front of me, between Kaishi and me. She grabbed the sides of my face and lifted it up so our eyes could meet. It’s weird looking into myself. “This isn’t how it ends because this is a—” My sword went right through her chest. As she spat out blood onto me and squirted out of her chest, I looked up to see the bearer of my sword. Kaishi’s hands are gripped onto my sword. She ripped out the weapon from my twin. Upon my twin landing onto me, I let my ex-lover pull and lift her by her hair. She begins to twist one of her arms.
“How dare you touch her,” Kaishi growled at her.
“Stop,” I asked. The sight makes me pissed, and for some reason, it’s familiar. Kaishi ignores and continues to torture my twin senseless even though my twin began to beg for her to stop. I ask again, and still, she continues. I grab her wrist and, this time, shout but repeat myself. It’s seeing that wicked smile stretch across her purpled lips that finally let me loose. I punch Kaishi square in the face.