#please don't hate me for skipping the poems | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

hunnylagoon · 4 months

Text

Right Where You Left Me

Pt 2: Jailbird

Ellie Williams x reader

I want to write a poem about you but I’m afraid it won’t be enough. I almost feel ashamed that I want you to fit into a word because we both know that you are beyond anything that can be put on paper.

Premise: You and Ellie were childhood friends before you drifted apart. Funny thing about soulmates is that they tend to find there way back to each other. While you both visit home for winter break, events unfold and it is no longer possible to avoid each other.

Warnings: Angst / homophobia / brief violence / reader has religious issues

Part one here!

Part three here!

Part four here!

I may have been wrong to say that I could never hate Ellie. Fuck she was vicious, in the most passive-aggressive way too. She's so sly about it that I can't even get mad without seeming irrational.

Winter break finally rolled around and I had yet to make any progress with Ellie it was whatever the opposite of progress is. If she wanted to hate me, that was fine, I could do the same, I could be petty. It's now December and all of this bullshit started in September, she could hardly be courteous.

Fuck her.

I had survived mid-terms and finals but the way Ellie was acting had me skipping happily towards the edge. She will wash a whole sink of dishes and leave just my fork, or Venmo request me if I ate one of her grapes. Everything had gotten worse when Dina, Abby, and Cat all left to visit their families for winter break leaving just Ellie and I, without the girls there to hold us to the house rules we were at each other's throats.

She was foaming at the fucking mouth to tear me apart. There was no level-headed Abby or fun-loving Dina, not even Cat who was just mellow. Just me and Ellie verbally abusing each other. "Fuck off, with your wild animal teeth," I spat, slamming the dish cupboard closed with a loud thud.

"Wild animal teeth?" She repeats "Wow, you're getting creative, I'll give you that," Ellie's gaze held a certain bitterness "Heard you were on your knees again last night and I don't mean praying."

My eye almost twitches at her words and it takes everything in me not to throw a ceramic bowl at her. I hated her, I hated her freckled face, and eyes as sharp as knives, just hearing her raspy voice, and seeing her sardonic smile made me want to keel over and let the earth wrap me in her flourishing greenery. I often wanted that to happen. I was trying to refrain from going home as I didn't want to spend the entire break with my family but I was starting to think nothing was better than this, I was set to leave the following day (Christmas Eve) anyway but I was seconds away from grabbing my bag and jumping into my car. "Can you just learn to be fucking civil?"

"Why would-

"Because we were sixteen years old when that stupid shit happened!" I spat "You're holding a grudge from when we were sixteen," I reiterated, searching her features for some sign that I'd gotten through to her.

"It's not like you've changed since any of that happened." She stands, unnervingly calm on the other side of the kitchen island. "You were always awful since we were young, always crying, always emotional, always explosive, my dad said you're like a birch tree, one spark and you burst into flames."

"Fuck off."

"You always had to have the attention," Her eyebrows furrow "Nothing was your fault, blame being fucking erratic and insane on your parents."

"You don't know my parents half as well as you think you do."

"What don't I know about them? They've been in my life as long as you have."

"Ellie, stop," I say, suddenly I'm taken away from the mood to fight, I just want to scream into my pillow.

"What?" She asks "You're going to say some shit like 'they aren't loving' or 'you wouldn't get it' Please, enlighten me, what wouldn't I get?" She moves closer just an inch or so "Wow, your life sounds so hard, you have two parents who love each other and a huge fucking house, oh shit," Sarcasm drips from her tone "Maybe it's that trust fund that's taking a toll on you."

"Please, stop."

"You could commit every crime known to man and you would still be their pride and joy, there is nothing you could say or do that would make them hate you-

"Here we go with your 'life is so fucking hard and I'm edgy and indie and I have a sad backstory that I'll bring up every second sentence even though I was seven when it happened' " I mock her.

She bites the inside of her cheek and I can tell that I've struck a nerve "You know when my lease-

"Don't even worry about it," I move out from the kitchen and begin towards my room, Ellie's eyes are trailing me "The minute my lease is up, I'm packing my shit and moving into student housing so I won't have to look at your fucking face while I'm eating!" I slam my bedroom door behind me.

I left that night, I couldn't bear the sound of her guitar strums, so repetitive it made me want to slam my head through the drywall.

You better believe that I cried my entire way home while blasting Julien Baker. My mother was pleasantly surprised to see me at her doorstep a day early, I knew Ellie would be coming down sometime tomorrow to spend the Holidays with her family, I didn't know when, I just knew that I didn't want to see her.

I never even told my parents that Ellie was my roommate and they hadn't heard it from Joel as they drifted when Ellie and I were fifteen.

My bedroom was exactly how I left, I cuddled into my twin bed that night sinking into the absolute silence of the the snowfall, with my dog Dusty curled at my side. I always loved the snow, the way it acted as soundproofing for the earth, when I was little I would just sit in the backyard so I could hear the birds sing in their purest and truest form.

Christmas Eve was dull to begin with, to say the least; my mom made Christmas tree-shaped waffles as she did every year, I was then dragged to an excruciatingly long church sermon. When we returned home I was sent to shovel the driveway, turns out visiting home from college doesn't excuse you from chores. I knew Ellie had arrived when I saw her grey sedan in Joel's driveway as well as Tommy's Range Rover. Bundled up in mittens and a hand-knitted scarf that Naomi gave to me I felt really tough giving the middle finger to Ellie wherever she was in Joel's house.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Elijah was cackling in the doorway. Dusty I happily bounding through the snow, paying to mind to my brother.

I immediately dropped my arm, trying to play nonchalantly "Uh, shoveling the driveway?"

His laughter only grew "You look so stupid," He huffed between cackles "You're standing in a foot of snow in the driveway giving Mr. Miller's house the middle finger in your cute little mitts."

"Say that louder, no one could hear you," I say, sarcastically.

"Hear ye, hear ye-

My eyes go wide and I drop the shovel to form a snowball and deck it at my brother "Shut up!"

"Ow!" He flinches, and his track and field hoodie from high school is now covered in powdered sleet. "Whatever," He yanks his hoodie off to shake the snow off of it "Just finish the driveway so we can watch a movie or something, I haven't seen you in months, Naomi and Aaron haven't shut up about you all holiday break."

I give him a mitted thumbs up before I try to speed run the shovelling, albeit slipping on black ice more than a few times. When I came back inside, I needed to change, my parka was dripping with snow that had melted into water.

I bundle up into sweatpants and an old soccer t-shirt. Being in my old room digs up memories pinned on my wall with bright thumbtacks year after year of photos of my soccer team, in every single one Ellie and I have our arms slung over each other. We're smiling wide and not focusing on the camera but on one another. I tear the picture away from the thumbtacks and throw them into a random shoe box that sits at the bottom of my closet. After that, I take down every artifact I have of Ellie, the drawings she made me, drafts of songs we wrote together, and t-shirts she left in my drawers, I throw it all into a Rubbermaid storage bin.

Though I leave the little wood carvings that Joel made for me alone.

My family's famous Christmas Eve dinner rolled around and I couldn't believe how excited I was, I'm not the best cook and despite me and my mother going through spats every other day, she was one hell of a good chef and I had spent months craving her honey roasted carrots and creamy mashed potatoes.

Please don't judge me when I say this, but we are the family that dresses up for dinners at home. Nothing black tie, just something a little dapper, one time I wore jeans to our family dinner and I was grounded for a week.

I finished zipping up my white sundress and I let my little sister tie a matching bow into my hair, when she saw what I was wearing she changed into her white dress which was ankle length while mine fell right above my knees.

"Oh, my sweet girls are matching again," My mom fawns over us "Let me get a picture of this cute little moment," I smile for the picture, and Naomi does the same, hooking an arm around my midriff. "Adorable," Mom looks at the picture before tucking her phone into her pocket "Now girls, please set the table."

Even though I hadn't been at home for months, setting the table was like muscle memory to me, Naomi put the placemats down, and then I did the dinner plate and salad plate, Naomi would place the napkins and cutlery then I would set glasses and pour everyone water from the pitcher. By the time we finished setting the table everyone aside from my mother and Elijah were at the table, early awaiting what was sure to be a filling dinner.

Slowly but surely my mom brought the dishes with Elijah, placing them all through the center of the dining table. After everything was placed my father, who sits at the head of the table cleared his throat, that was his signal for everyone to join hands. "Dear God, We gather today with grateful hearts to thank you for this food before us. We appreciate the effort and resources that have provided us with this nourishment. May this meal sustain our bodies and remind us of the many blessings in our lives. We are thankful for the love of family and friends who surround us and for the abundance we enjoy. Bless this food, our time together, and those who prepared it. May it strengthen us physically and spiritually. This is your body, this is your love. We thank you for feeding us with your gracious hands. In Jesus' name, we give thanks and pray. Amen."

"Amen," My family repeats before we all ravishingly fill our plates with chicken, maple-roasted mushrooms, buttered green beans, bread rolls, and mashed potatoes. I was eating so fast, I was shocked that I didn't spill anything on myself.

"So, have you met any cute boys at college?" My mother asks me, she is the only one eating politely "I'm sure you could get a real smart guy with those looks of yours."

My father nods "Just make sure he's Christian."

"Or catholic," My mother adds.

I laugh awkwardly in response, I take a sip of my water, the condensation making it slippery in my hands. Elijah gives me an odd look that goes unnoticed by my parents.

"I think we should drop off some bread or cookies or something to the Miller's, just something to say hi while Tommy and Maria are still there." My mom tells us, she isn't speaking to anyone in particular.

"Is Ellie there right now?" Aaron asks.

Elijah shrugs "Probably, her car is in the driveway."

Now Naomi is looking at me "We should invite her over for New Year's or something if she's staying for the rest of break."

My dad shakes his head "I don't know if that's a good idea," All eyes fall on him "It's just- I think she's a bit of a bad influence." He takes a swig of his wine and attempts to suppress a burp but fails. I press my lips into a thin line and look down at my plate to hold in my laughter, Elijah does the same beside me.

"I don't remember Ellie being a bad influence," Aaaron furrows his eyebrows, racking his brain to think of a time that she had done their family wrong.

"It's just that there were rumours of her having-" My father searches for the words "Unnatural tendencies I suppose, and I tried to talk to Joel about it but he got defensive and said that she didn't need fixing, that's how I lost my best fishing buddy."

My mom looks at the discomfort on all of her children's faces "I mean, we all need a bit of fixing."

Dad is quick to catch on "Oh, yeah, of course, I mean it's not just Ellie," He fumbles over his words "And it's not her fault that she's that way, I think It's because she lost her mother when she was young so she got confused about the parental roles, Joel never remarried and he didn't date around much so Ellie didn't have a proper mother figure, it's not her fault she's a dyke and there's still time to fix it if she wants to choose the right path."

Stillness falls over the table, I had never heard silence quite this loud. Even my mother is at a loss for words. All of my siblings are darting our eyes at one another, we don't utter a single word but we understand each other clearly 'Dad actually said it'.

He noticed this and tried to backtrack on his words "I'm not a bad guy, I mean we've all read the bible cover to cover, we know it's a sin. I'll wrap this up, you all know that we love you no matter what and all I'm saying is I'm glad we could distance ourselves away from it."

"Hey Dad, did you watch the Canucks game last week?" Elijah swoops in to change the topic. It's too late, a wave of sickness has already overtaken me.

While my family discusses nothing in particular, trying to ignore what Dad said, I am sick to my stomach, I push my plate away and prop my elbow the the table for my hand to support my head. I am nearly shaking. My dull eyes peer across the table and meet my father's drowsy gaze.

"Honey, are you feeling alright?" My mom pauses whatever conversation she is enwrapped in.

I don't respond, I don't know how.

My family's eyes find a resting place on my figure. Mom pushes herself away from her chair and walks over to me, she places one hand between my shoulder blades, the other takes my cold hand and she slowly rubs a circle on my back to comfort me. "Sweetness, whatever is repressed inside, say it, let it out, we're all family."

Naomi nods in agreement, her wide eyes full of concern. "I don't know how to say it," I tell them.

"Air it out," My dad says, finishing off his glass of wine and pouring himself another "Today is the perfect day, tomorrow is the birth of Jesus, a fresh start."

My heart is racing faster than it ever has before, faster than when I broke my wrist in Ellie's backyard or when I had been on a rollercoaster for the first time. "I like girls," I say, my voice is quiet, and my three words take my family with silence. My mother freezes and takes a step back, her comforting hands leaving me.

"You're joking," My dad scoffs "Tell me this is a joke and you're normal."

"I can't," My voice cracks and I can already tell that the tears are oncoming. I think briefly back to Ellie's words 'There is nothing you could say or do that would make them hate you' if only she could see what was about to happen.

"All of those sleepovers with Ellie?" He is disgusted, his face contorting with horror "Were you dating her?"

"no-

"How can I believe anything you say, you lied to us for nineteen years when you knew you were sick."

"Dad, I'm not sick-

"How many sinful acts have you done under this roof?"

"None, I swear," I shake my head, it took less than a minute for me to be filled with regret at my words. I shouldn't have even come home for the holidays, actually, I never should've found Dina's listing and jumped at the deal.

"Get out," Any light tone in my dad's voice is gone, replaced by pure resentment.

"What?"

"You heard me, get out."

"Dad, it's Christmas Eve-

"Get out!" His voice rumbles through the dining room like thunder "I thought we fixed this phase when we sent you to boarding school."

"Please, dad-

"Get up and get out or I'm going to make you,"

"Fine- make me," Tears prick in my eyes but I cross my arms trying to muster up that false coolness Ellie is so good at feigning.

My dad slams his glass down so hard that it shakes the table, and the partially empty wine bottle my parents had been nursing all night is knocked over by the abruption, tipping over the deep red liquor to travel down the tablecloth and drip onto what was once my pure white dress. "Get up!" He grabs a fistful of my hair and I scream from the shock of pain. He yanks me off my chair and my face slams against the hardwood when his arm slumps, impact heavy from the sudden drop, it doesn't take long for my nose to start bleeding. He drags me to the door pushing it open; my siblings don't do anything they're petrified in horror and my mother begins to cry, covering her eyes from the scene before her.

My dad doesn't stop at the door, I thrash on the ground and he pulls me over both of my hands trying to pry his away from the roots of my hair, he drags me into the snow, finally releasing me. I shake as my hand gently finds the way to my burning scalp where I fully believe he has pulled out clumps of my hair with his harsh and unforgiving grasp.

From the doorway the rest of my family watches, Naomi has a hand covering her mouth her doe eyes brimming with tears of her own. My father disappeared into the house, it didn't take long to see what he was doing he slammed the window to make the bedroom open and began to throw all of my belongings out of the window. My pictures, my old soccer uniform, armfuls of clothes from my old beaten dresser, candles, books, paints, and shredded posters were torn straight off my wall.

"Dad, stop, I'm sorry, I'll get better!" I am on my knees, hands clasped together pleading with him. My skin is burning from the contact with the snow, I know that it must be a horrific sight to behold. White sundress, stained with wine, tangled hair, red-tinged skin, puffy eyes and incoherent sobs.

The snow makes everything so quiet the only sound travelling through the night are my sobs. I can no longer see my father in my bedroom, he is coming back down and somehow that is worse, he pushes past my family and throws the presents I was supposed to receive on Christmas morning beside me, I flinch at the movement.

"I'm sorry!" I plead like I'm bargaining with the Grimm Reaper for my life "Give me a job and I'll do it, just tell me what to do to get better!" The screaming carries through the night, alerting the neighbours in what was supposed to be a calm and quiet neighbourhood. Across the street, Joel turns on his porch light, squinting his eyes at the scene on the opposing lawn and trying to make sense of it. "I want to get better!" I shake with every sob. I could hear my dogs barking from the loud noises.

My dad shakes his head "You're too far gone, I didn't raise a fucking dyke," He is almost crying himself, he doesn't mourn for the daughter that he has but the daughter that could've been. The daughter who donned white every Sunday for church and settled down with a nice family man, a daughter who was holy but in this moment I am the purest form of holiness, born again from the violence of my father.

"Dad, I was created in God's image, why would he create his child to be this way if it was so wrong?"

"You're a fucking mistake is what you are," He seethes "Get off my property or I'm calling the cops."

"You still have my bags!" I scream and I watch him retreat to get them "Are you going to do anything at all?" I search my family for any sign of life but they all avert their eyes from mine. My father comes back out, and he throws my purse and suitcase on the lawn, this time both of them hit me, talking about kicking someone when they're down.

My dad begins to usher the family inside "I never want to see you again, get your ass up and start working, I'm not paying for you to fuck around with women instead of getting an education."

"That's it?" I cry "You won't come to my wedding or meet my kids? What about my funeral?"

"Not as long as you're with a woman." With that, he slams the door behind him and locks it. I let out another guttural sob, I've already cried so much that it's beginning to hurt within my stomach. I take a deep and shaky breath in, wiping the tears away from my eyes with my freezing hands, I'm sure to catch hypothermia if I don't warm up. I look up to see my neighbours all around either watching from their window or in the Miller family's case, the front porch. I'm sure that someone has already called the police.

"Let me in, I'm sorry!" I scramble off the ground and begin to bang on the door. Shaking the handle "Let me in!" This goes on for longer than I would've liked, I hammer on the door and scream as loud as I can but they all ignore me. Eventually, I stand by the window and slam my hands on it "Let me in or give me my fucking dog, you can't take care of him!"

I knew I was fucked when I heard sirens. It only made sense for the neighbours to call the cops at this disturbance.

I'm going to do you all a favour and tell you some useful information; when the police arrive and you don't wanna seem guilty, don't try to drive away from the scene because you might just end up getting handcuffed and shoved into the back of a police car for your childhood bestfriends family to watch from their front row seats.

"Prison life isn't for me," I wallow as I press myself against the bars of the holding cell. There are two other women in the cell with me and they both snigger. One of their names is Lucia, and she has bronze skin and brown hair so dark that it almost looks black with gold hoop earrings the size of my head, I don't know the other woman's name but she looks significantly older and has stringy blonde hair, the wrinkles of her face drooping.

"Honey, this isn't prison, you'll live another hour," Lucia sits on the uncomfortable bench, her arms crossed, she's kind of hot to be blunt.

"You reek of liquor though," Blondie cackles and I catch a glimpse of her rotting yellow teeth, what's the opposite of pearly whites? Golden nuggets? Something like that.

"Because I got wine spilled on me," I retort. I had been crying before they even placed me in the cell, wailing so loud that I was annoying the officers. I was so upset and starved for affection that I hugged the officer who detained me, babbling incoherently about how my life was ruined, I don’t even blame them for arresting me, I looked like a crackhead trying to break into a nice suburban home. “I'm not drunk."

"Could've fooled me," Lucia smirks, she's wearing a black tank top and skinny jeans. I wasn't a fan of skinny jeans but she was converting me.

I fell asleep hugging myself on one of the uncomfortable metal benches with chipped blue paint, when I woke up, it was Christmas, even though it didn't feel like it. I saw the snowfall outside of the windows on the other side of the cells. Lucia had told me just before she was released that they had the right to hold you longer over holidays, I wanted to weep all over again.

Blondie got removed from the cell too and I was all alone. The only thing that kept me sane was pretending I was Katniss or Lucy Gray, if they had survived the Hunger Games, I could survive this. I genuinely thought my life was over and I was getting sent to prison for hammering on my dad's door and screaming.

With each hour that ticked by, my profound sense of loneliness only grew. The sounds of distant laughter flitted through the hall and I am reminded of the world that lies beyond the metal bars. I wonder what my family is doing at this moment, every voice that I hear acts as a reminder of the love I had jeopardized. I lost Ellie, I lost Conner, and now I had lost my family.

I think about praying to god for a moment though I discard the thought. If he was real why did he let that happen to me? Maybe forgiveness and redemption were not necessary.

"Crybaby, call someone to pick you up," Officer Reid who initially arrested me and interrogated me began to unlock the cell, "Charges are dismissed." He had been calling me Crybaby since I was stuffed in the back of the police car and wailing uncontrollably.

"Like for real?"

He was in fact, for real. I was brought to a landline phone and my hands acted faster than my head, dialling the number of someone I would trust with my life, I just prayed that the number hadn't changed.

After making my call I was told to go to a weird booth thing to collect my effects, where an old and very judgmental woman dumped my few belongings out of an envelope. I wish I knew the technical names for this stuff but it's not like I've been arrested before this one off occasion. She looked at each of the items, stating what it was while she took inventory of it. "Smartphone, lipgloss, a single gold earring, and a cross necklace," She marks something down and then turns the paper around and holds out a blue pen for me to take "Sign here."

My phone had died already, I was missing an earring, and the cross had failed me, all I had left to rely on was my cover girl lipgloss. I sat in that stark grey room for what seemed like hours, everyone seemed miserable as I am, at least I wasn't the only person having a not-so-merry Christmas.

Holy shit, I was still disgusting. I was sticky and freezing, still in the wine-ruined white dress, there was still dried blood on my face despite my pestering Lucia to help me get it off. My hair is tangled, the bow that my sister had tied in lost somewhere in the snow. I haven't looked in a mirror but I know I look rough from the side glances that everyone is casting me. I can't imagine the dark bags beneath my red, puffy eyes to be any sort of appealing.

The sterile waiting room is beginning to get on my nerves, I flinch at every movement and hold onto hope that every person walking through the door is the person I'm waiting on. I try my best to avert my eyes from the clock so time doesn't drag on any longer than it already is.

By the time Joel gets here, the sun is beginning to set, his eyes frantically search the room until they land on me, I'm already standing up and walking toward him. "Kiddo, are you okay?"

My lip quivers and it feels like every awful thing I've ever felt is going to seep through my teeth. My head falls onto his chest but this time I don't cry, I think I've run out of tears "I have nothing ahead of me."

Joel doesn't ask questions, he just hugs me in return, resting his chin on the top of my head, there is the comfort I had been so desperately searching for.

He signs release papers and he guides me to his red Ford Explorer. When I called him I asked him to bring me shoes as I was barefoot when I was detained, being the number one dad that he was, he brought a reusable grocery store tote bag, containing a hoodie, sneakers, fuzzy socks, sweatpants and a bag of my favourite chips. I slip the sweats on underneath my dress while the hoodie goes overtop, I awkwardly unzip it and shimmy it off, stuffing it into the tote bag.

The drive back to his house begins and he turns on the radio, trying to make lighthearted chatter "Thanks for coming to get me," I say, my voice is quiet and I pull my knees to my chest like as I tend to do when I get nervous "You can just drop me off at my car and I'll be out of your way."

"Sorry, kiddo," He says, eyes focused on the road "You're staying with me tonight, I don't want you driving these roads in the dark and it'll be good for you to have a hot shower and a warm meal, get some sleep somewhere that's not a holding cell."

"It's just that-

"If you still want to leave in the morning that's up to you but you shouldn't end your Christmas alone," Each word seems so genuine "And you know I would gladly have you stay with me three hundred and sixty-five days a year."

I look at him, a soft melancholic smile on my face, "Thank you," I say.

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

A sigh falls from my lips "What happened to all of my stuff that was left on the lawn?"

"Tommy and Ellie brought it all inside."

Ellie brought it back inside? Did she actually give a shit or was this something her dad ordered her to do? "Did my dad say anything to you?"

Joel shakes his head "Maria went barging on his door, those two were in a screaming match for a good two minutes before he locked the door on her. Hasn't been outside since, everyone in the neighbourhood has been coming by to ask what happened."

"Even Sharron?" I ask Joel, wrinkling my nose in distaste.

"Even Sharron," He solidifies. Sharron was the grouchy crone of the street, shutting down every party, cussing out teenagers from her porch, and yelling at barking dogs "She said she was worried about you." The windshield wipers painted rhythmic patterns across the glass, clearing a path through the soft snow that continued to fall.

"She's not worried about me, she's worried I'm on drugs and I'll break into her musty home to steal all of her hummels."

Joel huffs a laugh "I can't believe that I used to let her babysit you and Ellie."

"Me neither, you should be paying for my therapy." I tease.

He chuckles at my words, "So you're majoring in wildlife biology?"

"You remembered what I wanted to major in?"

"Of course I did."

"Hey, Mookie!" Tommy wraps his arms around me the moment I set foot in the door. He's called me Mookie since I was a little girl, it started when I couldn't pronounce monkey and thus Mookie was born. "Let me get a good look at you," He pushes me back just the slightest hands clasped on my shoulders "Look at that bruise you've got on your cheek, looking awful tough, like those greasers you used to read about."

"Look at that, Mookie grew up," Maria greets me with a warm smile, pushing Tommy away to hug me "Good to see you made it through prison alive," She jests.

Joel's house is exactly how it was when I left.

The air carried the familiar scent of firewood and lavender incense. In the living room, an inviting fireplace stood as the heart of the home. Its gentle crackle and the dancing flames provided a soothing backdrop to the overstuffed couches adorned with cozy blankets and throw pillows, worn from years of shared family movie nights. A well-loved rug covered the wooden floor, its pattern a mosaic of memories and spills easily forgiven and of course, a coffee table hand-crafted by Joel and intricately carved.

The shelves lining the walls were a treasure trove of family history. Photographs in mismatched frames captured smiling faces frozen in time, chronicling the evolution of Ellie through the years. A collection of well-read books, their spines creased and pages worn, stood proudly, offering a glimpse into the literary adventures that had unfolded within those walls.

The kitchen, the heart of many childhood homes, held the lingering aroma of Christmas dinner. The countertops, scarred from countless meals prepared and shared, were a testament to the love that had gone into creating family dinners. A worn wooden table in the center of the room bore witness to the countless conversations, celebrations, and moments of solace shared over shared meals.

"You know what, when I was around your age, I spent my fair share of time in the cooler, good to see you're taking after me," Tommy winks and gives me a hard pat on the back. Neither of them acknowledges the reason behind last night's events and somehow it feels worse than talking about it.

"We've just finished up making dinner, I'm sure you're hungry," Maria smiles softly, taking my hand into her calloused one.

"Yeah, I'm starving," I smile in return and trail behind the blonde woman to the dining table.

All of the plates are laid out with portions of food on each one, Ellie is sitting alone, spooning mashed potato into her mouth while she texts someone, she glances up at me and offers nothing more than a tight-lipped smile and awkward wave before going back to her phone. Tommy comes by with a tray of garlic butter rolls and uses tongs to add more onto my plate "Don't think I've forgotten how much you love these."

I grin up at him, I'm sitting in the same chair I sat in all those years ago when I Ellie and I would settle down after spending all day in the sun, Joel would ask us what we wanted for dinner and almost every time we would shout hotdogs.

"Good to have you back," Joel nods to me "House always felt a little empty without you."

I always felt a little empty without this house "Good to be back," I smear some mashed potato onto Tommy's famous garlic butter bread rolls.

I feel almost sick with nostalgia as I look around the dining room, Joel still had Ellie's crafts from elementary school hung up and if you look closely, you find little clues that I've left behind; proof that I once existed as a girl beneath this roof. There's a dent in the wall from the time I stood on my chair to catch a spider and accidentally fell over, my head hitting right into the wall, Ellie was laughing too hard to help me.

"So what school do you go to?" Maria asks me, washing down her pot roast with some ice water.

"Northridge actually," At my words, Ellie's head perks up, she's looking dead at me with a look of fear in her eyes.

"Oh, Ellie goes there!" Tommy smiles "She never mentioned that you do too."

Ellie is silently pleading with me, I know she doesn't want me to tell her family that she's been borderline tormenting me as my roommate and sending me to bed with tears in my eyes. I didn't plan on telling them anyway "That's funny, I guess we just keep missing each other."

Joel set up an air mattress in Ellie's room, that's when it became clear to me that he had no idea just how bad the fallout was between us. I hate to say that I missed her room and all of the memories we shared in it.

Ellie's bedroom resembled something of a teen guy who'd never gotten laid before. She had a navy comforter, her shelves were lined with comics and novels, I know for a fact that she'd read every single one of them. Her desk was always a mess, covered in pages of poetry and sketches that she had torn out from her journal. Almost every inch of her walls is covered in posters of bands, movies and her nerdy video games.

I was fresh out of the shower, finally in my clean clothes that I had dug out of my suitcase. I got to charge my phone too, there was an overwhelming number of messages.

D-Manz: HAPPY CHRISTMAS BITCH!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU AND CAN'T WAIT TO PARTY WHEN WE GET BACK

Jesse: Merry Christmas, hope your day isn’t shit! 😁😁😁

Riley: Merry Christmas! Hope you're having fun at your new school!

Abs: Merry Christmas and stay safe!

Kayla: Missing you girl ☹️ so excited for that staff party!

Kit-Cat: Merry Christmas, don't have too much fun without me

Yara: Merry Christmas ❤️ this probably isn't the time but I was hoping you could send over your notes from the last conservation lecture, just wanna text you before I forget!

566-460-4374: I got your number from Kyle, this is Roderick, I saw you last night and wanted to check up on you, hope everything is okay and merry Christmas.

Lindsey: Hey, haven't talked to you in a while but my parents said some stuff went down, just wanna make sure you're okay.

Ellie: Lmk if you need a ride back to our place

Ellie: Don't know if you can even see this but I got all of your stuff off the lawn, I promise it's safe 👍

Naomi: I'm so sorry

Naomi: I didn't think that would happen

Naomi: I didn't know what to do

Naomi: I love you

Aaron: U good?

Naomi: Please don't hate me, I'm sorry I didn't do anything

Elijah: Sorry but I wish you didn't tell Dad that

Naomi: I'll try to talk to Dad

Elijah: Hope you're safe

Elijah: Call me when you can

Still, there wasn't any word from either of my parents. I replied returning well wishes and assuring everyone that I was okay, I turned my phone onto Do Not Disturb and began to watch the Hunger Games on my phone. The room would've been pitch black if it wasn't for the blue light from my screen and the gentle beams of moonlight gliding through the window.

Ellie walks into the room after she finishes with her shower, she's in sweatpants and an old hoodie that she got from a rodeo, I had the same one, and we bought them together. I glance up at her before looking back at my movie and pulling the quilt further up my body. "You still like the Hunger Games?"

"Yeah," I say, being as brief as possible.

"You should take my bed and I'll sleep on the air mattress," Ellie says while she ties her hair into a low ponytail.

"I'm fine here, thanks."

"Seriously," Ellie is standing awkwardly at the foot of her bed, waiting for me to do something.

I shut my phone off and turned on my other side to face away from her "Just go to bed."

Ellie runs her hands down her face in frustration, she's starting to feel like an asshole "Please take the bed, it's the least I can do." I ignore her so she speaks again "I am begging you," She tells me bluntly "I feel like a dick and it would make me feel better if you just took the bed."

"You are a dick," I answer, she should've seen this response coming from a mile away.

"Please take the bed."

I sit up to look at her, frustration now boiling up inside of me "You're going to be nice now because you feel bad for me?"

"That's not why-

"It is actually," I tell her "This will last for a few days and then we'll go home and you'll be a cunt all over again, fucking keeping a list of everything I lay a finger on so you can say it's my fault if it breaks." She bites the inside of her cheek, that's her tell. Every time she does that I can tell that I've gotten under her skin. "You'll still act like you don't know me and I'm just some weird girl who thinks the world of you, I know what you say to those girls you have over, the walls aren't that thick." My insides ache from all of the screaming and crying of the past couple of days "And I know that I hurt you and I've told you a million times over that I'm sorry, you don't get to start having empathy for me now."

Ellie's silent again, she can't seem to find the words, so instead she slips under the covers of her bed, giving up. Minutes pass us, we've slept in this room together a thousand times but this time it's different, we don't share her queen bed and stay up all night watching the walking dead and talking shit about people at our school, we lay in the uncomfortable silence. We're grown but in this moment I still feel like a child searching for her mother's hand to guide her, I feel like my teeth still need to fall out so brighter, stronger ones can take their place, that the baby fat has yet to shed from my bones.

"I didn't know that you liked girls," Ellie said, breaking the silence "And I shouldn't have assumed that stuff about your parents." I don't respond to her, though she knows that I heard her. "I lied that night when you moved in."

"What?"

"I got all bitchy and said that you don't even cross my mind, I was lying," She's confessing to me as if I'm a priest "There wasn't a day that went by where I didn't think about you."

I'm not doing well.

I want nothing more than to crawl into bed next to Ellie and just hug her until I fall asleep but the resentment I've garnered for her these past months refrains me.

"I don't know if you ever knew this, but back in high school I had a bit of a crush on you," She says and my break hitches in my throat "Hey, you there?"

'I don't know if you ever knew this but I turned myself inside out trying not to be in love with you.' I don't say that, instead, I say "Goodnight, Ellie, Merry Christmas."

"Goodnight," She mutters, and like me, she turns her body to face away from me.

I don't feel mature in the slightest, I'm kept awake, haunted by shame and embarrassment. Ellie had seen me only one night prior, on my knees begging for love. We may be cold and calculated to one another now but I remember when she was a little girl who overwatered her plants because she didn't know how to stop giving.

TAG LIST I just tagged whoever wanted a part two: @elliesaesp @yalaysbee @laundrybag29 @readbydayana @elliesaturnsoftdrink @mikellie @melanie-watermelon @skylerwhitwyo

547 notes · View notes

vikings-til-valhalla · 1 year

Text

Help me pay my bills please!

I hate having to do this, but I barely got paid this past week, and I have less than $20 in my account right now. I've got a bill my dad absolutely REQUIRES me to pay (retirement fund), and he won't let me skip this month or any month ever. It's a $75 bill. I already dumped my entire paycheck into other bills. I don't even have enough for gas right now. So please:

Commission me a poem, short story, etc. for $25. All commissions are done through P@yPal.

Link to my portfolio

$0/100

#commission #commissions #help

38 notes · View notes

life-and-death-companions · 2 years

Text

some (possibly) unpopular opinions pt. 2

It turns out my rant about manhwas that did not appeal to me were actually pretty fun to read, and since I am nothing but a jester for entertainment I have decided to make another one of these. I feel like I'll get flamed for some of my choices though 💀 doesn't matter, all in good fun 👍

Under the Oak Tree

The Beginning After the End

Solo Levelling

Beatrice

I Have Become the Heroes' Rival

How To Hide the Emperor's Child

Why Are You Doing This, Duke?

Beware of the Brothers!

Under the Oak Tree

Let me just preface this by saying that my complaint is not about Maxi's timid, soft-spoken nature. I understand that her fear to defend herself and her inability to communicate her needs properly is a result of years of cruel abuse, oppression and control. In that regard, she is very similar to Soru from Twilight Poem (Heeran Love Song), and I love them both. They both have a quiet strength evident by their capacity for kindness in the face of constant barbaric mistreatment - not to mention their resilience. Few people would go through what they did and still strive to heal or accept genuine human connection.

However, I am far less empathetic towards Riftan. With how often he gets it on with her, he's been classically conditioned to associated Maxi with arousal and sexual pleasure. Too many times has he initiated this type of thing when Maxi was only trying to express herself and communicate, which made for a frustrating narrative - and if I'm honest, after some time it felt like he was using Maxi as a sex toy, which enraged me like nothing else.

Most people liked the smut, some thought it was a bit overkill. I, for one, am proudly ace and so it did nothing to appeal me to the story when it was obvious their sex life was 99% due to lust alone, rather than any sort of connection. I kick my feet and screech just like any other person when I read about two people loving each other so much and finding refuge through touch and physical intimacy - but this was shallow sex. It got to the point where when Riftan would made advances I would start laughing because it was just that predictable and boring.

(Also! Their first wedding night! Stank! Of! Sexual coercion! It made me so enraged and it was so confronting that I honestly skimmed through the dialogue and skipped the scene altogether. "You're my wife so we must fulfil our marital duties" PLEASE I WANTED TO BARF. Nobody come at me about historical accuracy and context when this story has fucking wizards and shit.)

Also, I'm a bit of a man hater (we all have flaws 💀) so reading about a man who by all means solely holds the power in a relationship makes me dislike the story on principle. Maxi has been under the thumb of men from the moment she was born, so her marriage to Riftan felt to me like a simple switch from one type of oppression to another. I'll admit I was projecting a bit because I was seeing the many women in my life who've suffered because of the patriarchy through Maxi and resenting Riftan as a result. However, I still don't think my assessment is that flawed.

TL;DR: I hate presumptuous, inconsiderate men, and unfortunately Riftan fell into that category, but Maxi, sweetie - I love you with all my heart.

The Beginning After the End

Manhwa that is obviously intended for a male demographic are honestly a bit of a hit or miss most of the time. I loved The Return of the Mount Hua Sect, and the main character from The Return of the Crazy Demon has my whole heart.

The reason why I dislike a vast majority of them is that they obviously cater to the idea that an ideal man should be cold, uncaring, callous, invulnerable and entirely masculine-presenting. The comment sections of male-targeted manhwa like Solo Levelling and the Beginning After the End are full of boys that look at all these MCs acting superior with their hands in their pockets and their arrogant smirk and think they're the 'goat'. Female characters are treated as incapable of rising to the same level of strength as the male main character, and indeed when they're confident in their skills the boys in the comment sections have nothing but derogatory comments to make about them.

In the comment sections of the Reaper of the Drifting Moon, not only is the MC under fire after their transformation to a leaner, more snake-like, curvy frame that appears more feminine, but the women he encounters are insulted in every way. Case in point:

I wish this was the worst among them, but it's not. I bet many other people can attest to the fact that comment sections like these are drowning in misogyny.

Arthur is in many ways that toxic masculinity personified. Always superior, always overpowered, always better, always smarter. Also, he's a thirty-eight year old weirdo that goes around having under-aged girls as love interests. If that isn't deeply disconcerting I don't know what else to say.

Solo Levelling

I'm so gonna get hate for this.

I also don't care.

Anyway, my issues here are three:

Jin-Woo panders to that ideation of an OP 'Goat' protagonist that I really don't fuck with personally.

The romance sucked. There was no real connection between him and Cha Hae-In. We had like one episode of them going to the amusement park. The whole "he-doesn't-smell!" premise was an obvious (and weird) attempt to force a romance subplot and give Jin-Woo a female love interest, perpetuating that image of him as desirable and flawless. She was, in a word, a prop.

The ending sucked also. It was one step away from the Protagonist Loses Their Powers And Settles Into A Life of Domesticity trope and I hated it. It was so unfulfilling.

The reason why I stuck around and read it in full was simply that it's fun. It's fun, sometimes, to read self-indulgent trash about OP main characters that solo every challenge. It just doesn't exactly make for a very memorable story or a likable protagonist, which is why I don't really care much for it.

TL;DR: The kind of brainless story you read when you can't be bothered putting yourself through the emotional and cognitive effort of connecting with complex characters and loaded stories.

Beatrice

I dropped this so fast I don't remember much about it, but I can say three things:

The fact that she was a slave and was basically rescued from hard labour because she was charming and cute was very much not it 💀 Why do all these girls that used to be slaves conveniently forget about slavery and its ramifications on others when their status is elevated and they posses the influence to do something about it?

LMFAO WHY DOES SHE LOOK SO HAPPY WHEN SHE'S SAYING THIS PLEASE-

In almost every panel, she looks dainty, petite and naïve to the point of appearing like a child, especially when compared to the ML's massive hulking rippling-pectoral figure. It made for equal parts ridiculous and creepy panels when they were put side by side.

LOOK:

ALSO CACKLING AT HIS POSTURE AND POSITION

TL;DR: Should have been classified as a comedy because I laughed more than I swooned over their apparently dreamy whirlwind forbidden romance.

I Have Become the Heroes' Rival

This story was so good and now it's rapidly going downhill. Claudia and Irene, my beloveds.

Felix - well, very questionable. When he abandoned her on the seaside after their first kiss and dramatically walked off into the ocean I laughed for hours.

And when he broke her bone during sex and the entire thing was romanticised and established to be proof of his inhuman verility I was actually gobsmacked.

"Don't provoke me because I won't be able to stop or control myself after" is the biggest fucking red flag to me. At any point during sex, Irene has the right to feel safe enough to say no or to change her mind. But whatever. The whole attraction of this story appears to be the kinky demon sex. I mean, judging from the comments and the fans it has garnered, I won't say this isn't successful.

TL;DR: Not my cup of tea.

How To Hide the Emperor's Child

I'm so tired of subpar, pathetic MLs.

Why Are You Doing This, Duke?

Some people thought the Duke's transformation from cold-blooded, cruel man to loving and kind to Nöel was funny and cute and a testament of the power of love.

I was uncomfortable with it. The overstated, grand gestures of love, the superficial nature of their relationship in the beginning, and Nöel's own focus on self-preservation to keep her position as the Duke's beloved made me uncomfortable. The Duke felt like a victim.

TL;DR: I don't like Nöel. I don't like the Duke much, either, from what I've seen of his real persona. That said, I did drop it, so I don't know how the story progresses with regards to that love spell and its origins.

Beware of the Brothers!

Sweet home Alabama~

#beware of the brothers #manhwa #solo leveling #the beginning after the end #under the oak tree #why are you doing this duke?#how to hide the emperor's child #i have become the heroes' rival #beatrice #unpopular opinions #please don't send vitriol about these without basis because i won't give a single fuck #discussions are welcomed though

84 notes · View notes

literallycarrie · 11 months

Text

i was looking through my notes app and found some notes i wrote while reading edge of great (the jatp novelisation) in feburary 2021 so i thought i'd post them bc i miss the time when i was so obsessed with jatp i could quote large parts of it from memory:

okay it's thicker than i expected this is a good start

multiple povs?! oh my god yesyesyes

i've read one page and I'm already loving it because i was expecting it to just be a retelling of the action with barely any insight to characters thoughts other than "i was feeling sad :(" but it's giving so much more than that

luke says sunset curve were all "vibing" shdhfnd

the dialogue is slightly different in some places but honestly i don't hate it

a pink flower in a vase next to rose?? the dahlia symbolism is here already people

bobby is a cheesy hopeless romantic confirmed

[luke about trying to be modest] "it was a new look for me, i'll admit." avdhfdhdhd

alex interrupts reggie trying to flirt with rose avdbfjdd i'm loving the new dialogue

THE HOT DOG CART IS BASICALLY CALLED SALMONELLA I-

luke makes a joke about staving to death oh god the dramatic irony

julie's literal first words are "my best friend flynn is amazing" 🥺🥺

JULIE SAID FLYNN WAS HER OTHER HALF 🥺🥺😭

loz feliz performing arts high school??

julie calls carrie cute?? girl-

i've been spelling dirty candi as "dirty candy" this whole time. whoops.

trevor has literal platinum records but the thing julie decides to point out is that one of his songs was in a car advert shdjdjfjf

nooo they took out flynn shouting demon at carrie

julie mentions flynn and how amazing she is at nearly every given opportunity

"flynn and i were always straight with each other" this is meant to a dramatic moment but i'm laughing at this ahdjdnem

julie is a writer!! not just of lyrics/poems, she writes other stuff too!!

she describes the garage as being full of ghosts when referring to memories of her mum... i'm living for all the dramatic irony

ahh julie and ray are speaking in spanish to each other so much more than they did the show

the teacup and spoon rose had been using before she died were still there 🥺

julie says that she felt like her mum was telling her to play the cd ahhh

the first thing she says about the guys is that they're cute JULIE AHDJFK

wavy hair reggie yesss

julie says oh my god instead of oh my gosh

julie doesn't know luke's name so she's calling him floppy acdjfjrks

her reasoning for letting the guys stay in the garage was because she thought it was what rose would've done 🥺🥺

ALEX'S POV HELL YEAH

they took out reggie losing his shirt this is so sad 😔

[alex about julie playing wake up] "i couldn't remember the last time I felt so moved by music that wasn't actually my own."

okay i get why they changed povs but i kind of wish we'd gotten julie's pov while she played wake up

the first episode took up about 1/5 of the book jesus-

they skipped the bit about the only thing scarier than one girl crying being two girls crying 😔

flynn: "instagram" alex: "what-stagram?"

flynn hugs julie after she tells her about playing music again awwww

noo they cut out the scene where ray comes in to the studio ffs stop cutting scenes please

alex: "it tingles in weird places" alex, literally one line later: "well, it did."

according to alex the other describe him as "warm and fuzzy"

also so far everyone's pov has called luke out for being too cheesy

reggie: "i'm gonna guess death breath"

alex is now describing luke as the puppy reggie never had

alex calling luke and reggie his family 🥺😭

when julie went into her room and found the guys messing around she was on her way to text flynn 🥺 this book just makes me love their friendship so much more

reggie is described as having "a mop of hair" god i wish 😔

dahlia symbolism count: 3. so far it's been a vase next to rose, the curtains in the studio, and the flowers in julie's picture of her

luke: "our instruments are attached to our souls." reggie: "and sometimes our belts."

okay so the book confirms that julie found therapy helpful but she just didn't want to go back because she thought others would see her as fragile, which imo is a lot better than in the show when she just seemed like she hated it

they merged alex asking if julie got back into music with luke showing her bright which i get because if they kept everything in the book would be pretty long but... idk i kinda liked how it was just julie and luke when he showed her bright

julie describes the wow performance as being like a superbowl half-time show

list of celebs who've been name-dropped so far: weezer, the smashing pumpkins, katy perry, and harry styles

julie wanted to kiss kayla?!? wlw julie confirmed

YES TIME FOR REGGIE'S POV

reggie's internal dialogue is using way more words than necessary and as an autistic person I relate to that so i'm gonna use this as proof reggie is autistic 😙✌

reggie says how little julie's smiled since they met and is now describing her smile in detail 🥺🥺

me, seeing that reggie's pov is already over: :(

me seeing that it's alex's pov and he's about to meet willie: :D

avxhfjfldnd alex was so mesmerised by how beautiful willie was he forgot to speak 😭😭

damn they took out willie asking alex if he's into guys if he wanted a picture with fake marilyn monroe (they changed it to spider-man)

y'all willie gave alex a hip bump I'm dying over here

"wait, how can i see you again?" god this is killing me i love them 😭🥺

"even if you don't have questions" willie is hardcore flirting and i respect that

"i liked the sound of that" god it's been a few minutes and alex is already whipped agshdndm

dahlia reference number 4 (this time it's a mug)

instead of calling julie "insanely talented" luke calls her "annoyingly talented"

julie canonically uses the word "bonkers" and idk why i love that so much

ahhh i'm already halfway through the book and it's still episode 3

FLYNN'S POV OH MY GOD YES YES YES

i'll look at the pictures first though

okay now onto flynn's pov

maybe this is just me, but why does everyone say "mother" instead of "mom" all the time? it seems weirdly formal but whatever

flynn calls flying solo "our song" (meaning her and julie's) 🥺

svdbfjff whenever alex went to meet willie he just said he was going for a walk

wait, walks? plural?! alex and willie had more interactions and we didn't get to see them?! livid 😤

willie wanted to show alex the museum because it was one of his favourite places... god I'm soft

"i would've followed willie just about anywhere" stoppp this is too much for me 😭🤧

"together. i liked the sound of that." awwefdhehrhe

alex's catchphrase seems to be "I liked the sound of that" rather than "okay"

"so close that I could feel his breath" why did I think they were gonna kiss 💀💀

willie: "feels good, right?" alex: "yeah, it does." alex, in his head: "i was talking about the screaming, but i was talking about being here, now, with willie, too." oh god oh fuck-

"wagging an eyebrow" girl why is that worded so weird 😭💀

nah there's no way luke doesn't know what a sample is

yess we're back to luke's pov 😎

the book confirms that it was luke who wrote "hi bobby" on the mirror but i still refuse to believe it because of the one tumblr post i saw comparing all the boys handwriting and saying it was reggie (also the writing it too neat to be luke's 😌)

they cut the entire julie-sneaks-around-while-flynn-distracts-carrie bit 😔 (and also the guys mooning trevor)

"and the truth was, [julie] was becoming important to me. i hated to let her down." awwww 🥺🥺

sbdjfkfl reggie called the hgc creepy and alex got defensive because it "was willie's place"

when luke said they were "overdressed" they all tucked their shirts in

ffs not the eyebrow wagging again (this time from flynn)

so julie considers carrie as her frenemy and not an actual enemy... inch resting...

"the awkward "joke" just sat in the air like dead fish" abdhfjf what are these metaphors

HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT WILLIE'S POV?!?! I WAS NOT EXPECTING THAT HOLY FUCK AHHHHH

awww when alex asked about the lifers being "sworn to secrecy" willie wanted to telm him about caleb owning everyone at the hgc's souls but he couldn't 🥺🥺 if I catch anyone posting willie slander it's on sight 🥊😠🥊

OKAY WHAT I'M LIVID - they reduced the whole "do this forever"/"there's a lot to like here" thing to just the dialogue. literally no mentions of the lingering glances or luke's "you got a crush on willie". fucking disgraceful. i hate it here.

THERE - WE LITERALLY HAVE PROOF THAT WILLIE DIDN'T KNOW CALEB WANTED THE GUYS TO JOIN HE HGC WILLIE ANTIS CAN GO HOME NOW

willie watched the guys getting stamped and said it felt like his stomach was filling with lead SEE I WILL NOT TOLERATE ANY WILLIE SLANDER IN THIS HOUSE

willie noticed alex looking into the crowd before leaving and wondered if he was looking for him... do tell me willie who else could he possibly be looking for

"alex said, looking stressed (then again, when did alex look not stressed?)" avshdnfmfr

julie describes nick's voice as "soft" and "graveled"

apparently julie has had a crush on nick since kindergarten, and in kindergarten nick cried because he couldn't get the lid off of his glue stick

luke says that knowing he let julie down at the dance hurt more than caleb's jolts 🥺🥺

the boys' little "sorry" song has it's lyrics written the same way the other songs, the ones actually in the soundtrack, do. tell me jatp why the sorry song isn't on the soundtrack right now 🔫😠

literally no mention of alex's dancing what in the homophobia

according to julie, finally free is about the power of connecting through music, but i still choose to believe it's a gay anthem about coming out

when julie saw her dad cooking breakfast and humming finally free she "almost died from how cute it was"

wait i just realised throughout this whole book there's been barely any mentions of julie and luke sharing the mic, and nothing about luke and reggie sharing either, and julie waking through luke in bright was just ignored. disgusting.

julie canonically thinks ray is the best dad ever 🥺🥺

that being said I'm pissed the book cut reggie from this scene

julie describes herself as being "charmed" by luke being nervous jskdkkdhs

flynn's pov again babey 😎

lmao nevermind the chapter was two pages long

also the whole perfect harmony sequence is just cut and all we hear is julie mention it to flynn... bruh

reggie and alex both see how hard luke is simping for julie and just give each other shit-eating grins whenever he mentions her dgehdjdj

when willie tells alex he can't explain why he's spying on him alex says "and to think i had felt there had maybe been something between us" fuckk

alex wondered if willie had ever had feelings for him or if he was playing him the whole time 🥺😭 bby nooo

they cut girls amirite... no one talk to me...

y'all... i think, other from julie, alex has had the most pov chapters... interesting...

the boys were literally so distressed about flynn eating pizza when they could smell it and not eat it and said they'd die of deprivation sgdhdjfkd

alex: *was choking back a sob*

willie: *was choking back a sob*

me: *was also choking back a sob*

😃 wtf... when willie says he cares about alex and hates that he brought them all into this mess, alex snaps at him... bro wtf that is not what happened and doesn't fit in with what alex was feeling in that moment at all... fuck this book

julie hugs flynn in the book at lot more than in the show so maybe it does have rights after all...

they've made a "face the music" pun at least 5 times so far in this book

wait - luke says that julie played his parents unsaid emily implying she sang it?? yo...

"but there was nothing I could say, nothing I could do, to make things better. so instead, I watched her go." why does that line hit so hard

"i pulled him in for a quick hug" lmao girl no

I JUST REALISED they cut the "i would've still followed you" scene 😭 the homophobia of it all 💀💀

'"i won't forget you," he said before spoofing out. Me either.' god don't do this to me today 🥺🥺

"with my smoothest dance move" now THAT'S the alex i know and love

the promoter and his assistant have names now: frank and tasha

the book's nearly over and i just realised there were barely any reggie pov chapters 🥺 not only is he my comfort character i also really liked his internal dialogue... oh well 😔

they really let there be spelling mistakes in this book smh

"who knew sunset boulevard smelled like cat pee and old takeout containers? not very glamorous, given that this was my hollywood rockstar dream."

"the music filling me like air - like joy" god I love that line

julie feels the need to point out how good luke looks in his tuxedo avdhdndmd

"i'm gonna miss you." "not as much as we're gonna miss you." oh god oh fuck-

wait THEY GRABBED HANDS ON STAGE??! AM I MISSING SOMETHING!?!?

"are you real?" "we were always real. But now... maybe... we're here?"

okay so i finished it and it was fun to read overall but i felt like past episode 3 was very rushed and condensed (makes sense since episode 3 finished past the half-way point of the book) and it stopped being as well written (barely any internal dialogue and descriptors), and some moments were mischaracterised heavily (including a lot of the willex) and juke just didn't seem developed at all. also i wish reggie had gotten more pov chapters since he's, y'know, a main character. i'm pretty sure he got, like, 2 :( also a lot of the music scenes lacked emotion but since this is an adaptation of something with music without music i'll let it slide. it was still nice to read either way.

#unfortunately my brain lost the capacity to be completely and utterly obsessed with jatp #but it still holds a special place in my heart #lova's terrible posts #jatp #julie and the phantoms #the edge of great #jatp book #jatp novelisation #julie molina #alex mercer #luke patterson #reggie peters #willie jatp #willie wilbur williamson #flynn taylor #flynn jatp #carrie wilson #ray molina #caleb covington

21 notes · View notes

lilisouless · 2 years

Text

GV characters as Gina Linetti quotes

(Some are edited for convenience, others have to be taken as a modern!au)

Zoya: The only thing i am not good at is modesty. Because i am GREAT at it

Nikolai: I was thinking on how i would be the perfect american president. Bassed upon my skill set,dance ability and bloodlust

Alek/sander: My mother cried the day i was born because she knew she would never be better than me

Tolya: If i die, turn my poems into a book!

Genya: (Nikolai: do you carry a hairdryer in your purse?) Of course, i am not an animal

Mal : (To Nikolai) everytime i hear you talk, i hear tha sound that plays when packman dies

Inej: (turn around to show "i told you so" on the back of her shirt) did you have enought time to read it all?

Alina after making Mal call Zoya to tell her she died: Is she crying? (Mal: a little) "takes the phone" YOU SHOULD BE WAILING YOU STONE-COLD BITCH!

Nina: You should make me your campaign manager. I was born for politics. I have great hair and I love lying

Wylan: I grew up building bombs and acids. If people knew how smart I was, it would have been harder to control them.

Nadia: Wait, first, let’s say a prayer. Dear Beyonce, Solange, Rihanna, someone cool that’s white, Cardi B, please bless this flush. A-women.

Kaz: Amateur. Always say your insults to someone’s face. No paper trail

Baghra: The only reason I didn’t tell you is I don’t value you as people, so why be honest?

Kuwei : Is there any way I could skip doing that, and instead not do that?

Matthias : If Kaz had a twin, he would have eaten him in the womb.

Jesper: Adults don't care about their birthdays (Wylan: You came to work last year on a horse)

Hanne : I hate the ocean. That’s where that stuck-up bitch Rose let Leo die. There was plenty of room on that door

Adrik: I’d describe the workflow today as dismal with a tiny dash of pathetic.

Leoni after a burglarly: "Can you estimate the value of everything that was taken?") Emotionally? $ 700 million

Tamar: (What´s the first thing you notice when a person approaches you?) The audacity

76 notes · View notes

the-almond-and-the-apple · 2 years

Text

you (caden's version)

hi, you.

I started this on September 1st, and it's updated day by day, like a diary.

Please read the whole thing lmao cause there's a lot of shit in here that is later explained and it won't reflect my current feelings unless u read until the end

Bold of you to assume I could sit and write (however many lines of poetry this is) in one sitting.

***

I guess I figured

That I'd end up being

That Guy™

Who writes shitty poems

Instead of saying what I really want to say

I just never figured they'd be about you

You. God, you.

You think you're so Unloveable

Told me that you believed it

That you'd been told it by the people

Who were supposed to bring you up

Not tear you down

And you told me that because that's what friends do

They share stories and cry about their shitty lives.

"I'll never be loved," you say, "I'm Unloveable."

And I know you believe it, misspelling and all.

But I don't

How could I believe it?

I'm sitting here writing poetry about you

For Gods sake

You're the poet out of the two of us

Not me

What am I doing?

"I'm good enough to be Likeable, but not Loveable." You say

You are so unbelievably wrong

Hell, you play music

On the weekends

For fun.

You wait for me after every class we have together

I can't help but smile when I see you

Leaning against the wall

Looking for me.

We text each other compliments

Constantly

Back and forth

But that's just something we do, right?

It doesn't mean anything.

That doesn't change the fact

That whenever i see your name with the words

"you're spectacular, I'm so proud of you!" attached to it

My heart skips a beat

You skipped a lecture on Wednesday

Just to come to snack time with me

Even though that lecture was a one time event

Even though you hate sugary foods

Even though it was out of your way

Even though you dislike crowds

You still went with me

You light up

When you talk about

What you learned in psych last period

You're so excited to share this random information with me

That you stumble over your words.

Yesterday, you told our lit teacher, randomly,

A concerning amount of knowledge

About the pressure points in our body

"Hear me out. I know what I'm talking about."

You could barely contain your laughter.

I spend an hour and a half texting you yesterday

All because you said you wanted to get a cat

We're co-parenting him, apparently.

You suggested we name him Martele

After the joke our orchestra teacher made

Now, every time I say his name, you grin

I caught you staring at me during orchestra today

You were trying to catch my eye to laugh at something our teacher said

How I hoped you were staring just to look at me.

"You're playing with your ring," you point out at lunch today, "what's making you nervous?"

I brush it off, laughing, and blame it on my anxiety disorder

How do I tell you that you're the one making me nervous?

How do I bring up the fact that you usually spin your pen when you're around me?

You smiled at me today

To show me the tooth that sticks out when you grin

"Look," you said through your teeth, "isn't this unfortunate?"

As long as you're smiling at me, nothing is unfortunate

Least of all you

You put your arm on my head today

As we were walking from lunch

"It's because I'm tall," you said, "I've got power over you."

You do have power over me

You just don't know it

And not because you're tall

"Am I reading this wrong?" I ask you on Friday night

"Is this platonic?"

And you say no, I'm not reading this wrong

You say you've liked me all along

And I call you an idiot, jokingly

Because apparently trauma dumping does count as flirting

At least with us

The compliments? They did mean something.

Skipping that lecture? You did that because you wanted to spend time with me.

Staring at me in orchestra? It was genuine.

Being all touchy feely with me? That too.

Laughing at everything I say? Yep.

Waiting for me after every class? That as well.

And then we get to talking:

"I get that we have a mutual fondness for each other, but

is this a relationship?" You ask

What a wonderful question

I tell you that I'm asexual

That I dislike physical contact

I should have mentioned that I'm on the aromantic spectrum too

But I didn't

Because I was worried it would scare you away

"That's okay," you write, "I don't want to make you uncomfortable."

"We don't have to do any of that."

But physical touch is one of your love languages

Who am I to deprive you of that?

The more we talk, the more the pit in my stomach grows

We want different things from each other

Something that the other can't give

You could give me what I want, sure

A best friend

Someone I can spend time with outside of school with

Someone to walk to class with

Someone who makes me laugh

Someone to tease

Someone who loves me for who I am

And for who I'm not

And never will be

Because I'll never be that person

Someone who can run up to you and kiss you whenever I want

I won't want that, most likely

From anybody

I tried to imagine us cuddling on the couch

Watching the Disney movies you've never seen

(which is most of them)

And I feel like I might vomit

And I'm sitting at my computer, crying

Sobbing

Writing this

Because I care about you so fucking much

But in a different way than you care about me, I think

My stomach itches

I pull up my shirt

To reveal anxiety hives covering my torso

I haven't been eating as much as I should

My mouth is so dry that everything feels and tastes like cardboard

My stomach hurts too

Fuck.

I should ask you

"hey, what did you mean when you said the word relationship?"

"what does that mean for you?"

"this is what it means for me."

But I can't bring myself to ask.

Why? I don't know.

Maybe it's because I know I have to see you tomorrow

And you'll probably say something sappy

Call me perfect, one more time

And I'll cry

Again

Because of you

I'm crying now, sitting here, watching the rain

You're probably watching it too

Maybe you're playing your balloon guitar

(you still need to show me that, by the way)

Or looking for the murder of crows that lives by your house

I don't know why I'm writing this

Maybe it's because I hope you have a Tumblr,

And that you'll see this.

Maybe I just need to get my feelings out.

Maybe I'll end up sending this to you, if everything works out

God, I hope it works out.

I really really hope it does.

I'll never delete anything on this poem,

Never alter a stanza, never change a spelling

Because I want it to reflect the emotions I felt while writing it

Maybe not the best artistic decision, but hey

Who cares?

It's my art

Is it our art, because it's about you?

And I realize, now,

After I saw you today

I fucked up.

I fucked up, for real.

I was scared of being loved

Because I didn't think I deserved it

I didn't think I needed to be loved

I do need it.

"Literally nothing changed," you told me after orchestra today,

"We're still friends. I don't hate you."

But I can see the sadness on your face

Hear it in your voice

This is Tuesday, for future reference

The day after our roller coaster of a weekend

(you'll know what I mean)

I wish I could go back and change it

I regret what I said

I do

Truly

But the damage has been done, hasn't it?

I can't go back and alter the past

Can't unsay what I said

We'll stay friends, sure

That I'm not worried about.

But what if I don't want to stay your friend

And you don't want to stay mine?

We both want something more

(I think)

But we're either too shy or too stubborn to admit it

Homecoming is coming up in October

Maybe I'll ask you to that

If I have the guts

If I do, I'll probably send you this poem as well

Not as a declaration of my love (or whatever)

But as a sentiment:

"you make me feel so many things that they refuse to stay in my head, they demand to be written out."

I wrote poetry for you.

I hate poetry, but not when it's about you.

Or, if Homecoming doesn't work

Maybe I'll just ask you over for Halloween

You've never participated in it before

Why not start this year?

With me?

Even if none of this works out

Even if we stop talking completely

If I can make you laugh one more time

A real, genuine, laugh

I'll be okay, I think.

Maybe that is love

The fact that I'm writing poetry about you.

Not saying that we're going to get married

Or get together

Or whatever else that could be interpreted as

Maybe love is just saying hi in the hallways

Or teaching me how to flip your pen the way that you do

Or checking up on each other constantly

"u ok?" "how was ur day?" "got any memes?"

"say hi to the crows in ur yard for me."

What if you've changed your mind about me?

What if I sent one too many apologies

Or asked you one too many questions

I think that's why I don't say it

Because I'm afraid of the answer

So very afraid

I think I believe that I have to constantly be doing Things

To deserve love

Be it romantic or not

Hopefully I can get rid of that feeling soon

Because I want to be loved for who I am

Not for what I'm doing

If I do end up sending this to you:

Hi, you.

It's still Tuesday.

And I still regret not trying to hold your hand at lunch today

No matter how you would have seen it

Romantically or platonically

I wish I had

It would have been worth it just to see the look on your face

(I'm laughing about it now, you'd have looked so surprised)

You tried to steal my pencil from me

I don't know if you remember

It was the first time I made you laugh since what happened

It made my day

That sounds stupid, I know

But it did

It feels strange, writing this to you as opposed to it being for you

There's a difference, I guess.

The fact that I know you'll read this one day scares me

"oh shit, what if he realizes I'm not a robot devoid of emotions?"

That sort of thing.

How could I be devoid of emotions when you make me laugh the way that you do?

At lunch today when you said "the only By I am is By Myself."

What I should have said was "give me some time, I'm still figuring this out."

What I ended up doing was making some random joke

I regret that, too.

The look on your face would have been priceless.

Seeing the hope in your eyes would have been even better then hearing your laugh

If you do end up reading this,

You'll probably have all sorts of critiques

Complaints about how I broke up the stanzas

Or capitalization errors

(Am I supposed to capitalize every line?)

But secretly, you'll be pleased

That I don't only give you the time of day

But that I take time out of mine

To write about you

If I had to guess, knowing myself,

Considering nothing changes for the worse

I'll send this to you right after school

On the Friday before break

That's only 17 days away

17 days since we met, too

Funny how time works like that

You know what?

I think I might do just that

Considering nothing changes for the worse,

I'll ask you to Homecoming

And send you this

And hope I don't fuck this up

Again

"Is this a...Date?" You might ask, "are you asking me out?"

"you decide," I'll say, "consider it an olive branch."

"I'd like it to be one, but I'm also cool just going as friends."

"I can bring some of my other friends along so it won't be awkward, if you choose the latter."

"no pressure."

I think I owe you that choice

Maybe, if you say yes,

I'll wear some 5 inch heels

So I can be taller then you

Finally rest my arm on your head comfortably

I should ask you in person,

If I end up doing this at all

But I won't

We're both too awkward to handle whatever the answer may be

And if your answer is no,

I'll be okay.

Really.

I'll be disappointed, sure, but

Mostly, I'll feel guilt

Because I know what we could've had

And I'll know that I messed that up

And if your answer is yes, hell

I don't know what I'll do

I haven't allowed myself to hope

If I send

"hi. i fucked up. let me try to fix this?" with a link to this attached

What will you say?

If you decide to shun me, okay.

I hope you don't shun me, though

If only to get feedback on this poem

Because I know you'll be the only one to ever see it

You're the only one I've ever written poetry for, anyways

If you decide to say "maybe, lemme think," okay.

If you decide you just want to be my friend, okay.

if you say yes (!!!), okay.

Most likely, you'll be embarrassed that I'm writing this for you

Hopefully for a good reason

But, no matter what your answer is,

I hope you can tell me what you truly think about This Whole Thing

Because we're nothing if not good communicators

And I don't want that to change because I wrote this

Hell, I'm embarrassed too

I'M WRITING POETRY

P O E T R Y

ABOUT Y O U

I'M EXPRESSING THE DEPTH OF MY FEELINGS FOR ANOTHER HUMAN BEING THAT ISN'T IN A JOKING MANNER

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING

Gotta love that for me

Please don't think that I have the ability to just hit send on this

When I do, I'll yeet my phone across the room and not check it for 72 hours

Out of pure embarrassment

Because this is, quite possibly, the most vulnerable and open thing I've ever done.

That's what poetry is, right?

Vulnerability on a page.

Or a website, in this case.

But I've already made myself a promise that you're going to see this

Sooner or later

So, I might as well go ahead and hit send

I didn't start writing this as a way to tell you I like you

It's turning out to be that, but that wasn't the original purpose

I just wrote it to get my feelings out.

I felt like I was too awkward to say it in person or over text

So here I am.

This isn't meant to be some sappy love poem

I beg you

I implore you

I plead with you not to see it as that.

It's a diary.

You just happen to be in it a lot.

I guess it functions as one, though

One that says:

"hey, I like this person and I hope he doesn't hate me for it."

"I hope things don't change too much."

It's just a shitty poem, that's all

I find it so much easier to express my feelings in writing

There's no chance for buffering that way

I guess that's partially why I wrote this

It's easier for me

I stutter too much when I'm around people I like

It's a wonder I didn't start writing earlier

Even though it's a shit piece of poetry, at least it's a start,

Right?

I'm a sappy person, apparently

Something I didn't know about myself before I met you

Maybe I'm even as sappy as you

Today is Wednesday

I realized that fact at precisely 2:16am

When I woke up from a dream

You were in it, of course

You've been on my mind a lot lately

It's no surprise that my subconscious picked up on that too

We were in Home Depot, I think

Buying potted ferns for whatever reason

There was a Starbucks inside it, too

Suddenly, you weren't by my side

(Foreshadowing? I hope not.)

I texted you:

"oi, ask me out already."

You responded immediately:

"MY LOVE,

THEY HAVE EMANCIPATED FRANCE."

I'm laughing about it now as I'm typing this

Because of course dream you would bring up this totally random information

That had zero relevance to what the conversation was

It's something I like about you both in real life and in dreams

I thought about telling you about my dream today

If only because of the rush of disappointment I felt when I realized

That you didn't actually say that to me

That we weren't actually together

I'm glad I didn't, though.

I don't think I would have been able to make you understand

Just why it meant so much to me

I hope that you know I still like you

That I still want This

I'm just a coward

Because if you Have something, then you can Lose it

And I don't think I could lose you

(Sappy me, blah blah blah. I know, shut up.)

(Blame it on the muse.)

It's easier to pretend I don't care

But I do

I should probably tell you that

But I won't

Not yet

Because you haven't texted me first in a couple of days

And I don't want to seem needy

Am I overthinking it?

Probably.

There's not much else I can do

Except do homework and write bad poetry

And hope that you'll text me soon

I'm realizing now that you don't know this

Because it's all in my head

So how could you know?

I've only said this to two people,

Only one of whom you've met

You sit next to them at lunch.

Maybe if they mention how I feel

Everything will go away

I'd rather it come from me, though,

Even if it is indirect

And even if it is through a poem

(Is that a rhyme?

Maybe I'm better at this than I thought.)

Should I send this to you now?

Right now?

At this very moment?

Walk in to the kitchen, grab my phone, and say:

"hey I lost a bet and now I have to send u this, enjoy."

Maybe that would be the better option

Because we did say we were going to figure it out

But what if this all comes too soon?

I don't mean to be pushy, really,

(no, really. I mean it.)

I just don't have any other way of putting this into words

How I feel

Both my admiration for you and my guilt about this past weekend

I'm not saying that I'm In Love™ with you

Please please please don't take it that way

I use that word extremely loosely and I use it quite a lot

I Love my parents,

My friends,

My dog,

My plants,

Big comfy sweaters,

My books,

Making people laugh,

Hiking,

My cousins,

The city of New York,

Waking up early to see the sunrise,

Traveling,

Archaeology,

Stargazing,

Music,

My cello,

You.

You get the picture.

I cringed writing that last stanza

Doesn't mean its not true

(It is)

I just wonder how you'll take it

Because, like I said before,

This isn't some gross sappy love poem

I'm not saying, "marry me."

I'm saying that I care about you

That's all this is.

And it's easier to say it like this

Instead of on the way to orchestra

Or to math

Where there's more of a chance of me getting it wrong

When there's more of a chance of you making me laugh so hard that I forget what I was saying

Where there's more of a chance of me stuttering and stumbling and buffering over my words

I hope you're just being awkward

I hope that's why you're acting different

I'd even take you believing I didn't like you back

As opposed to you losing feelings for me

Because this will be really, really, really awkward

If you've lost feelings at the same time I've finally come to terms with mine

And if you're reading this, cringing, thinking,

"Ohh, yeah, I never actually liked you," or

"This is super weird and I am Not Looking Forward to seeing you on Monday," or

"I just see you as a friend after what happened," or

"Writing poetry?? Cringe. We're in highschool, dipshit, this ain't a Disney movie,"

Or anything else that I'm afraid of you saying

Then I'm sorry.

I know I told you I don't understand social cues,

But you probably didn't know just how much I meant it.

I could be completely overstretching my bounds and I would have no idea.

Or you could find this cute, who knows.

Knowing me, with my luck, it'll probably be the former.

That would suck.

Happy Thursday, you.

I texted you late last night to clarify my feelings:

"Just because I have anxiety doesn't mean that I don't like you back. I do like you back. It just means that I have anxiety."

You were nice about it, of course

Reiterated the fact that you're okay with us staying friends

Maybe you were a bit too enthusiastic about us staying friends

Now that I think about it

Should I have seen that coming?

And just like that,

What little conversation we had today was strained

For the first time since I met you, I walked alone to math

You didn't sit with me at lunch today

Or walk with me from lunch to our next class

I feel better about This Whole Thing, though,

Because at least I was honest.

I told you how I felt, and now the ball is in your court.

There's no hard feelings, at least on my side.

I hope it's the same for you.

I won't mention This anymore, at least until you do

Because I've said my piece, right?

There's nothing else I can do, even if I wanted to.

I'm still your friend (if you'd like me to be),

I'll still walk with you from class to class (if you'd like me to)

I'll still talk to you in lit (if you'd like that)

I'd still let you play my cello (if you'd like to try)

I'd still like to see your balloon guitar,

To have you visit me at work,

To have you teach me how to spin your pen,

To smile and to laugh with you.

I'll still ask you over for Halloween

Along with a big group of my other friends

Because even though things have changed, I still care about you

You don't have to come, obviously, but sometimes,

It's the thought that counts.

The thought that says, "hey, come eat sugar and watch bad movies with us,"

The thought that says, "you're wanted,"

The thought that says, "you aren't alone,"

Unless you want to be alone, in that case,

Go for it.

I'm not going to be the person who shatters your personal space bubble.

I'd just like to be the person who opens mine to you.

As long as you know that I still care about you

That I still want you to love and be loved

That I still want you have the happiness that you deserve

I don't care what happens.

That sounds dramatic and kind of mean

But it isn't meant to be

Whatever happens with Us, I should have said

Whether we stay friends, go out, or somewhere in between

Even if we stop talking all together

As long as you know that I'd still give you the time of day if you asked,

As long as you know you can still walk up to me in the hallway,

As long as you know that there's still a place in my life for you

(Now, whether you want to take that place is up to you. It's there, though, and it's there to stay.)

I'm okay with it whatever happens

***

Happy Friday.

Is it appropriate to say that I miss you

When you're right here next to me?

When we have three classes together?

When we text each other every now and then?

When we have some of the same friends?

No matter if it's appropriate or not, I do miss you

I miss making you laugh

I miss you making me smile

I miss our late night conversations about nothing at all

(Again, a rhyme? Not bad.)

I miss when you'd crouch by my desk

Rest your elbow next to my water bottle

And ask me how my morning was

"Yeah?" You'd say, "Well, in psych..."

And you'd go on and on about it

(Not that I minded)

Sometimes, I'd catch you glancing up at me

Just to make sure I understood your joke

Or that I was enjoying the conversation

Every time our eyes would meet, you'd stop talking

For a split second

And pause to shake the hair out of your eyes

To see me better, maybe

Or maybe you were just self conscious

Sometimes, I'd glance backwards at you during class

Right after you went back to your desk

And I'd get to see you smile to yourself

About some joke I'd made the minute before

I realize that I could be idealizing this

I know it wasn't all flowers and daydreams and laughter and teasing

But it doesn't really matter, does it?

I had fun.

I think you did as well.

Doesn't change the fact that I still grin when you do

Doesn't change the fact that I wish we'd hang out more

I still see things that remind me of you

And wish we were close enough for me to show it to you

Without getting a one word response

I know the best solution to this is,

Simply enough:

Talk to you

I don't want to invade your personal space

If you don't want to talk to me, that's fine

I still text you first, though

Still smile at you in class

I hope that says, "Hi. You can talk to me if you want. I want to talk to you."

But I'll let you approach me first

Because I've already texted you about This

Now it's your turn

I'd like to think that you're just scared to bring it up

Not that you don't care about me anymore

That very well could be wishful thinking

(I did say like to think, didn't I?)

Knowing me, though

With my everlasting optimism

I'll assume the best until proven otherwise

I'll just assume you're being awkward

Or shy

Or anxious

Even if the signs are there that you're done

Done with me

***

It's Saturday, this time

And I have a thought

That thought is this:

I'd rather have you hate me than feel nothing towards me

Because the opposite of love isn't hate

It's apathy

Hate means that I'm still in your mind

But apathy?

You'd never think of me again

***

Sunday.

I've done this before, actually.

Being friends with a guy,

then the Talking Phase.

When we inevitably grew apart,

It didn't bother me

Because I didn't know what I was losing

I didn't realize that I was flirting with him

And he back at me

I just thought that was what friends did

I figured it was normal

So when we got our schedules

And I moved up a level in orchestra

Without him

Leaving him behind

And we realized that was it

I grinned at him, made a joke, and moved on

It was easy for me to let him go

Because I didn't realize the importance of what I had

But with you?

***

You walked me to orchestra today, Monday

And then walked me to math

You sat next to me at lunch today

And walked me to chemistry afterwards

That's all I have to write for today, really.

You spent time with me, it made me happy.

Hopefully it made you happy too.

I got to make you laugh for the first time in a while.

Don't have much else to say.

***

It's Tuesday.

Theoretically.

Nothing much changed.

I've got nothing to write.

I should be doing homework.

***

Thursday.

I just read this in it's entirety for the first time since writing it.

Yikes.

I am one sappy, dramatic motherfucker, aren't I?

Not saying that what I wrote isn't true

(It is)

But goddamn if I can't crank out some damn good poetry when the need arises

No, I mean it.

I think this this might be the best piece of writing I've ever created.

Blame it on the muse.

I'm over this whole Thing, really.

I'm done being sad and writing poetry and crying about It

I'm tired of being so upset over something I can't contol

Notice how I didn't say I was over you?

Cause I'm not.

I still feel all that guilt I mentioned,

I still miss you,

I still want to make you laugh,

yadda yadda.

Sappy shit.

I'm not upset about it anymore, which is good.

I've come to accept the fact that we aren't going to go out

Unless you have a plan to hand me a small creature of questionable cuteness and use that to ask me to homecoming

(I'd say yes)

We're friends.

I'm genuinely happy with that.

Are you?

I don't want to you to alter how you feel about me just because of this extremely long and wordy poem

Yes, I'd accept if you asked me to homecoming

No, I'm not planning on asking you (at least at the time of writing this.)

No, that doesn't mean I've lost feelings for you

Yes, that means I'm happy where We Are and I don't feel the need to change This

Yes, I still want to be your friend.

Yes, I am nothing if not confusing.

***

Friday.

A week before I'm supposed to send this to you.

And I've had yet another thought:

(Surprising, right?)

It isn't my responsibility to maintain relationships.

That isn't a dig at you, or at anybody

It's just something I realized.

I'm not a focal point in other peoples lives, however much I would like to be

And because of that, I don't have to go out of my way to keep them in my life

If they don't want to be close to me, I don't have to go chasing after them

I'm not required to jump through hoops just to stay friends with somebody

It's late, past midnight

(Goodnight, by the way. I didn't text you to say goodnight for once.)

And I don't know how I'll see this when I wake up the morning

If I'll wake up and worry about whether or not you'll be offended by this

It isn't a dig

Honestly

Just one of the points

On this journey called September

That I deemed important enough to write down

And to share with you, apparently

To show you I'm growing,

Thank you for that, by the way

One of the many positives of having people tell you that you're perfect

Is that, eventually, you start to believe it

I don't believe I'm perfect, of course

I'm not

I'm too much of a coward and too annoying and far too selfish to be perfect

But I do feel a lot better about myself

And I attribute that partially to you

***

Saturday.

I really am selfish, aren't I?

Thinking that I matter enough to people

For them to text me first

Or to hang out outside of school

Because nobody ever does

And that would be fine,

If I had enough self awareness to realize that people don't actually want to be around me

But here I am, ever the optimist

And I keep going after people who don't want me back

Not even with romance, I feel this way about friendships too

I've realized I've done that with you

Because if you wanted to talk to me, you would

Wanted to hang out, you'd ask

If you wanted to be around me, you'd make an effort to be

And I'm sorry it took me this long to realize it

Now, that isn't to say I don't want to be around people

I do.

But, like I wrote yesterday,

Friendships are two way streets.

If my car is ready to go and your motorcycle is firmly parked, that's fine

I just wish I had realized it earlier

That's a weird analogy, but you know what I mean.

Hopefully.

It doesn't matter how strong my desire is to have a particular relationship with someone,

Because if they think I'm annoying

Or clingy

Or weird

Or not smart enough

Or that my voice is too high

Or that I've got too much of a baby face

Or I that have too many weird hobbies

(or not enough of them)

Or that I'm too quiet

I can't force people to care about me.

So I just...exist.

On the edges of friend groups

Hoping that maybe I'll be able to make somebody laugh

Or maybe I'll bring someone a mint, as a show of kindness

Grab a ruler bookmark off a table for them

(I grabbed one for you because you mentioned you wanted one. It's in my folder if you still want it.)

Or print out some sheet music I know they'd like

Bring a deck of cards to lunch to make people feel less alone

I do all of those things, and I genuinely enjoy it

Seeing people smile is the highlight of my day

Knowing I made them laugh is even better

I just figured I would've found somebody who'd bring me a mint

Or go out of their way to make me smile

Or send me a picture of something I like, just because

Hell, I'd even settle for a, "this remined me of you." text

Because if somebody sent me that, it'd mean I was in their thoughts

Again, this isn't a dig at you

Or at anybody

I'm just ranting

There's a kind of comfort in being sad, isn't there?

You brought that up a while back

Said you believed the worst because you could only be pleasantly surprised

I see the appeal of that mindset now

Maybe it's the undiagnosed Whatever that I have,

But I don't see how people can care about each other

Without actually showing it

I care about you,

So I show it.

I text you memes,

Make jokes,

Walk you to class,

And write you poetry.

It's as simple as that.

I actually enjoy writing poetry when it's about something l like

Who knew that someone would be you?

18 notes · View notes

muzzlemouths · 1 year

Note

I HAVE A FEW QUESTIONS ACTUALLY.

5. Do you have any writing superstitions? What are they and why are they 100% true?

9. Do you believe in ghosts? This isn’t about writing I just wanna know

You've already answered this one, but if you're comfortable with it I'd love to hear about/compare experiences, and if not, you can just skip this one or tell us about the scariest thing you've read/written, if you're cool with that? - 🪲

15. Do you write in the margins of your books? Dog-ear your pages? Read in the bath? Why or why not? Do you judge people who do these things? Can we still be friends?

22. How organized are you with your writing? Describe to me your organization method, if it exists. What tools do you use? Notebooks? Binders? Apps? The Cloud?

32. What is a line from a poem/novel/fanfic etc that you return to from time and time again? How did you find it? What does it mean to you?

If any of these are too serious/boring/personal/etc. feel free to skip them or substitute in a question you like better, and have a lovely night Muzz!! - 🪲

5. Do you have any writing superstitions? What are they and why are they 100% true?

Don't show anyone an excerpt before the project is named. Can't tell you exactly why this one has me by the throat like it does, but I simply Will Not share any snippets or screenshots if the wip it's from doesn't have at least a working title yet, or the entire project feels "cheated on", somehow. Please release me from this curse.

9. Do you believe in ghosts? [Extended edition]

I'm going to answer this in a separate post because it'll take over the entirety of this one if I let it lmao

15. Do you write in the margins of your books? Dog-ear your pages? Read in the bath? Why or why not? Do you judge people who do these things? Can we still be friends?

I don't write in margins mostly because I write in Big Ass Letters and they'd take up the whole space. My English teacher hated it lol. As for dog earring, I do that with my journals all the time, but with actual books I'll use the closest flat object as a bookmark instead. I don't take baths so that last one's not an issue for me! But I'd probably avoid it anyways just out of anxiety tbh. No shame if you do though!

22. How organized are you with your writing? Describe to me your organization method, if it exists. What tools do you use? Notebooks? Binders? Apps? The Cloud?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. You guys have organization methods???

Okay, in all seriousness, there is no method. I have a gdrive folder for each of my wips and that's about as organized as it gets. Sometimes I have a "notes" document and sometimes those notes are just comments in the doc themselves and sometimes it's just the thought in parentheses that I have to remember to take out later. Some of those notes are from years prior or are old/outdated and I could remove them but I just don't.

Sometimes random scenes or lines or notes will jump into my head and I'll write them down in a notes app or someplace random and then it'll get buried or forgotten about. Sometimes I'll write scenes or excerpts and name them funny titles and those docs don't get put in their respective gdrive folder so when I need them months down the line I have to remember a sentence that was written and punch that into the search bar to see what comes up. It's hell. I have no plans to change.

32. What is a line from a poem/novel/fanfic etc that you return to from time and time again? How did you find it? What does it mean to you?

I love a lot of poetry but this one from @nutnoce is on my mind constantly

As for books, I could write you entire essays about how Wintergirls changed my life (and if you're looking for the inspiration behind my entire writing style, this is it)

Fanfiction is a little harder to pinpoint. I love a lot of fics and I've come across some really breathtaking ones, but the fic I always return to is one I can't recall the name of, and which no longer exists. It was posted on an old forum website long before AO3 existed and I discovered it mere days before the entire site shut down, so I've never been able to find it again.

That said, the plot of that fic was a character coming to the realization of being trans and running away from home to Who Knows Where, and this one line from it had, and always will, haunt me to my core:

"The highway yawned endlessly forward, an outstretched hand, a familiar stranger, he was exhausted by the introduction and the time and time again he'd been made to greet it alone. The wheel under his sweaty palms offered no more control than the act of waking up every fucking day and dressing a body he didn't recognize."

#thank you for the asks bug!!#I'll get to that haunted house one in a sec #Man I miss that fic... it ALSO had a big hand in my writing style (if you couldn't tell)#really really breathtaking. life changing even #I wish I had the chance to read it again

5 notes · View notes

punk-pandame · 1 year

Note

We didn’t have a question of the Day in forever! And I just saw the writer‘s ask that somehow slipped through - so…38 and 40 if you feel so inclined? 💜

writer asks

38. What is something about your writing process YOU think is Really Weird? If you are comfortable, please share. If you’re not comfortable, what do you think cats say about us?

oh man pretty much everything about me is weird so im sure my writing process is weird as fuck. - i rarely write in chronological order, it's almost always just skipping around, moving bits and pieces, etc. multi-chapters are usually written with just a bunch of random scenes and a general idea of what i want the story to contain first, and then build the rest around it. sometimes all i know is what the emotional climax will be. sometimes it's something as simple as an article of clothing or a color that i start with, and just branch out from there. - i've never used beta readers and don't intend to. i hate showing unfinished works and i don't particularly like people seeing my notes and outlines either. being forced to share and edit each other's works in school was tantamount to torture for me tbh XD

40. Please share a poem with me, I need it.

Hope is the thing with feathers by Emily Dickinson - one of the poems that helped me survive, though i can't fully articulate how or why

#clown to clown communication #ask game #asks #textpost #thanks freakyyy <3

1 note · View note

stained-glass-salamander · 2 years

Note

Happy Birthday!! 🎉🎉 - First of all I want to say how happy I am having found your blog relatively recently 😊 I really enjoy your style and look forward to your work every day. Be it in a post, or in the tags. I also want to thank you for being so supportive of mine! So, thanks! 💙 I hope you'll have a wonderful birthday.

1) truth: when I read your words about MCU it immediately had me thinking about its signal function in a broader social context, so what are your insights on that?

2) dare: I woke up one night and wrote this half sleeping, haven't used it yet, so this is a prompt: "Rhythm. Everything in existence logic pattern path of least resistance repetitive. Human = chaos. Repetition is boredom. The rhythm the pulse is distorted. Life! Life is chaos. The rest geometry."

3) we'll skip three 😋

4) I'd love a prompt!

5) and a flower, of course!

But because it's your birthday, I have a flower for you as well 😊 - enjoy your day!! 🎉

Hello and thank you for such a nice message - I thought about ways and words to convey how happy I am to have you enjoy my posts because I sure do enjoy yours, but got nowhere beyond a simple thank you. Rest assured I'll definitely keep on supporting your work as there is something enchanting in the way you write that got me transfixed - maybe it is the perspective from which you see things, maybe it is the way you use words to compose what reads like a piece of music, maybe it's everything at once or nothing at all - I can't quite name one specific aspect that makes it so alluring and beautiful, alloting your poems into my personal "resplendence" category along with nice landscape views, stained glass, flowers and 19th century piano compositions. I find myself gravitating to your words over and over again, and I sure am grateful for the serendipity that allowed me to find your blog. So, thank YOU!💙

And now that I had my fan-girl moment (please don't be scared, it's just me riding out the thrill of someone whose work I admire saying they enjoy my work too 😁), let's get onto the asks. I'm going to leave it under "read more."

(note: I think I'm going to scream, no wait, I'm already screaming - I wrote an approx. 5000 characters essay about MCU and tumblr glitched, leaving me with absolutely nothing. Yeah, I know, it was stupid of me not to save the draft after I finished or write it in an actual text editor, alas, here we are. Lessons learned. So just you know why I am answering so late. And why it is brief.)

1 - Ah, the MCU. First of all, the idea of kalokagathos is, unlike God, very much alive in the western society of today. As much as people enjoy heroic stories, they want to see beautiful people in tight costumes even more (when did we as a civilisation decide it is better to cover the body in neoprene rather than observe it nude? It would make more sense to wear a mask and some kind of briefs but nothing else given the unshakeable uniformity of the hero body shape.) The need for perfection is so great we are allowing Marvel heroes to be void of anything resembling a real human personality. This is nicely illustrated in Endgame, where Thor's depression is something we are supposed to laugh at. He is no longer perfect, and we are allowed to laugh at him displaying emotions and putting on some weight, and I hate this with a burning passion. Instead of giving the audience the story of Thor overcoming what more than fifty per cent of all people worldwide suffer from with help of friends and making positive changes, he is a laughing stock. And then there is the problem with heroes coming to existence through a quick process, usually some kind of exposure to radioactivity or a different substance that "mutates their DNA" (which in itself is laughable, but let's leave that aside for today.) There is no instance of people working hard to become strong, they simply get bitten by a rabid spider and get their code changed to wake up as a beefcake in the morning. I think this is a very common symptom of our western lifestyles where fast is not fast enough anymore.

Second of all, the films are void of any profound message because everything else is oversaturated with deep messages. The target group (which is huge judging by the money Disney makes off Marvel) wants to leave their dystopian lives outside the theatre, and watch morally flat characters fight other morally flat characters. We want to engage in an escapist fever dream full of stunning visual effects simply because it is better than anything we could do for those two hours.

Another reason for so many people to love it might be their feeling of having no power over their lives whatsoever. The idea of a hero coming and saving them, however improbable and illogical it is, might bring a certain level of comfort. Films such as MCU ones know this very well and are used as a tool to steer the masses where the government wants them. That is why heroes need to fight aliens to protect the earth - Hollywood past 9/11 is nothing but a tool for pro-war propaganda, and when we look at the parallel of good heroes fighting bad aliens, we don't have to look anymore.

Now, I also want to mention comedic interjections in MCU movies. Watching a film is not unlike travelling by submarine. Where captains like Bergmann immediately drop into the depths of the Marinara trench and stay there for as long as possible, Marvel regularly resurfaces to keep people alert and ready for another part. The comedic break not only serves as a way to divide the story into more digestible chunks, but it is also an attempt to make heroes more human-like and overtakes the comedy market. I have already mentioned that 9/11 has steered Hollywood into propaganda and as such, the comedy genre took a blow. But then, in 2008, Marvel came and gave people something they can laugh about, and voila, people wanted to see more of the silly jokes.

To conclude, the popularity of the MCU stems from the disillusion a large number of people are going through in relation to the dystopian nightmare they live in. All they seek is a visually appealing epic with likeable characters that would allow them not to think about the real world for a moment.

2 - I'm going to post the prompt as a separate post :)

3 - oh thank you :D it wasn't the best idea to list this so I'm happy you left it out

4 - and I am more than happy to provide: being a sanded down shard of glass is not the end of my journey, it is merely a beginning. Where others see nothing but void I walk with a prism in my eye and birdsong in my heart.

5 - thank you so much for the flower, it's so beautiful!!! I love that it looks like a little star - and maybe it really is a star that fell from the night sky for you to find it. By the way, is that your hand in the background holding it upwards? That's so very sweet of you - you managed to position it right in the middle of the picture, so it looks very aesthetically pleasing - thank you so much 💛

I thought about what flower to give you, and picked out three:

this rose because you seem to like yellow flowers. Also, their scent is amazing and maybe the sweet fragrance would be nice and soothing to fall asleep to.

Another flower would be this beautiful peony - and as a fellow bee enthusiast, I thought you would like to see these two ladies grinding hard to get that pollen.

and the last flower I wanted to give you was these chives flowers, simply because they are a lovely shade of lilac and look like fluffy pop candy, but my cat had a different idea and didn't quite approve of me taking pictures in his garden :) so here's the little fiend instead.

thank you again for the birthday wishes - they made me very happy 🤗 and before posting, here are the encouraging words I promised: your sense of humour is amazing! I haven't stopped laughing about Nostramarkus ever since you posted about him - and what I wanted to emphasize is, even if it doesn't feel like it, you are making difference, even if it is only as simple as brightening up someone's day. So keep pushing forward, it's worth it!

#birthday prompt party

10 notes · View notes

ffxivdailyquestion · 2 years

Text

⫸ GENERAL RULES ⫷

Check the full rules.

LGBTQIA+ safe space. Hate in any kind of form in the answers will be reported and blocked.

OCxNPC, NPC blogs, NPCxNPC, OCxOC answers are welcome !

NSFW questions-ish may be asked on Sundays, better known as the “sinday” in the tumblr sphere. They’ll be put, if any, under the following tag : #{nrsfw question}. ( Not really safe for work ~ )

The following tag : #{nrsfw question} may also be used for topics involving "hard themes" like violence, drugs or anything we can think of as nsfw.

Everyone is welcome to answer.

Minors DNI with possible NSFW questions and answers.

⫸ HOW DOES THIS WORK ? ⫷

The aim is to answer the question for your own OCs, be them Warrior of Light ( WoL ) or not !

Answer it in any form you prefer : drawings, poems, IC, OOCly, comics, screenshots (...) !

Answer in any language you prefer.

It’s ok to skip a question, to answer it later, or to browse the blog and pick the question you want to answer !

Tag spoilers please

Tag accordingly or alert about NSFW content in your answer.

If you think the answer can include triggering contents or different kind of sensitive topics, please alert with a tw or cw your readers.

⫸ ASK BOX ⫷

Always open, anon is on.

Submissions of questions are totally welcome, I'll queue them !

Asking questions of any kind is ok. I'll answer and will tag answers as #not a question, #YourUsername, #answered so you can filter if you don't want to see those kind of posts.

⫸ OTHER ⫷

Non-question posts are tagged as #not a question

Do not hesitate to tell me if you want particular topics tagged or a certain tag used. I will do as requested !

No question about new content will be posted until at least 1 month and a half after release.

May promote FFXIV events, FFXIV question-related blogs or other under #promo, #signal boost and #not a question

I try to queue questions so they pop on US dashes around 8.00 am (3 pm -- Paris Time ). They can pop later if I forgot the queue system.

This blog can go under hiatus without saying, to come back with questions as usual. It means questions may not be asked daily, I'm sorry for the inconvenience when such things happen.

#pinned post #rules

9 notes · View notes

444fall · 3 months

Text

“Rosewood” No. I, Forest.

꒰ ꒱ ★ ᧔ ⑅ ᧓ ˚ .

I, Angela Rosewood and you can call me Angel, Angie, Ange, Rose or Milady, R.

Hi, with Angela here. I'm glad you can open and read this as my introduction, I hope we have something in common and become good friends.

So, I love astrology, even though I don't understand it completely but I love it when they talk about this. Hi, I'm a Libra especially October., my venus is Scorpio, my sun is Libra, my moon is Gemini, my sun is Libra and I am an INFJ. Sometimes they describe me as “serene” is since I genuinely enjoy quiet, peaceful environments.

I have tonnes of interests, merely my top choices include sea, ocean, beach, pink, blue, reading, drawing, poem, blending colours and all pretty things. I love writing, however I'm typically shy to say that I delight in poetry and song lyrics. Lesserafim, NewJeans, aespa and many other K-Pop songs are among songs I listen to. Furthermore, I enjoy watching horror, action, science fiction, fantasy, and psychological thriller movies, as well as anime and cartoons. My top picks are the wonderful flicks Legally Blonde, A Beautiful Mind, The Age of Adeline, Me Before You, 10 Things I Hate About You, and Dead Poet Society, The Virgin Suicides and Monster. I'm highly motivated by these movie. To be honest, I love asians movies the cinematics of every film always take my heart. Along with many other musicians, my favourite songs include those of Taylor Swift, Chase Atlantic, The Neighbourhood, Gracie Abrams, The Weekend, Novo Amor, One Ok Rock, Frank Ocean and Cigarettes After Sex. I can say in general that I am a fan of Taylor Shift, Chase Atlantic and The Neighbourhood. I love to listen to classical music during my free time when I'm stressed out since I find that it helps me fall asleep in the morning and evening.

I enjoy playing online games as well, however I tend to play Mobile Legend and Plato more.

Last but not least, I am a sleepyhead and moody, so I can easily run out of energy. Therefore, I apologize if I am often late in replying to your messages, I will try my best to respond to your messages promptly.

Please be aware that this account's owner is legitimate and that it has a large number of posts upon roleplayers, closed agencies, and WWW. Please skip whatever here that doesn't catch your attention. Lastly, my account is FUB free, Thank you.

0 notes

tagangstandtherestisuptogod · 2 years

Text

The Ghost Of You

Today was not one of the bad days

Lately, I have been floating in a state of okay

Some of my friends say it's denial though

And maybe it is

If it allows me to keep this emptiness than so be it

For 2 hours, I did not talk

I was staring at a cell on the board drawn with chalk

It seems I'm at loss for words as well as tears

But this vacancy is better than feelings

As it turned out, emotions are so exhausting

I'm sitting in biology and suddenly your presence I'm missing

I feel the urge to embrace you and never let go

I don't do that though

This voice in my head whispers "maybe it's another blow"

You know I can't handle that so please let it not be

We are walking and you're beside me

Yet you feel so far, and I'm still empty

Far from alone but lonely defines my life recently

I want to tell you so badly but I can't, I won't

Because what if I run you off again

What if you can't handle the pressure

What if halfway through, and you suddenly decide I'm not worth the wait and leave

To be fair, it wouldn't be the first time

So maybe not all my paranoid insecurities are unfound

I hope that u be patient for my forgiveness

It's too soon for it and you know it

2 days, 2 weeks or maybe 2 years

I can't trust you to still be here

Understanding my dilemma and accepting it are not the same

I'm living with this interior fear

That you'll re-realize that I'm a lot and skip once more

I don't want to, again, wipe my tears on the bathroom floor

But I know I'm too much

I love too much

I regret too much

I doubt too much

I miss too much

I hurt too much

Ironically, I'm not enough too

I forgive too little

I forget too little

I trust too little

I hope too little

I'm around too little

But I can't help it, that's who I am

The person who can't speak up

Terrified that you'll close up, like the last time

Because I still can't feel all of you

I still don't have all of you

Even though, you have all of me

Regardless whether you can or cannot see

Like one of us is falling through the veil

This full yet vacant space exists between us

Do you feel it too? Or is it only me who misses you terribly

You feel so out of reach, here but there

I want to feel so free but I don't want to suffocate you

I hate this distance, that I can't help but create as you try to repair

It's not fair that trying again is harder than giving up

Be patient, and keep on filling the cracks

In pain, yet I still give too many fucks

I want u back in the game

I'm fine with waiting, would you do the same?

I cannot specify a time frame

But complete forgiveness will eventually come

If you stick to the task without quitting

This time, it cannot be something fleeting

I'm hoping, regardless of the odds, that we make it through

I miss green, I've had too much blue

I want you back, you got no clue

I want more than merely the ghost of you

first poem to post.... yup i've had a pretty bad day :)

1 note · View note

faeryarchives · 2 years

Note

Hello, I don't know if you are accepting requests. If not, you can completely ignore this lol. So I was wondering if you could do it for dorm leaders and vice leaders. With a Venti like S/O lol

hi yeah sure but i will separate the dorm leaders from the vice dorm leaders bc it will be very long if its just one sitting >< HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO VIL SCHOENHEIT AND GOOD LUCK TO THOSE WHO WILL PULL <3

vice dorm leaders head canons can be found right here !!

dorm leaders with venti-like gender neutral s/o!

a bard that seems to have arrived on some unknown wind — sometimes sings songs as old as the hills, and other times sings poems fresh and new.

: ̗̀➛ riddle rosehearts

riddle could not believe how carefree you are. like you would break a rule in front of him but you would find a way to get away from it

only you aside from floyd would have the courage to tease the heartslabyul dorm leader as much as possible but sometimes you would know when to not be on his bad side

"(name) i don't have the time to deal with you."

"yeah you don't but you should have the time to share your problems with me you know?"

despite being playful all the time, riddle never expected you to be good in giving advice and comfort and especially reading his mood

"you don't have to put your guards up all the time, you can be at rest when you are with me, i will keep you safe."

when the two of you would eventually get together - this man just love how you never seemed to be bothered by his accidental outbursts

instead you will bury his head to your shoulder, calm him down by singing him some songs which is pretty effective and mostly it ends up riddle falling asleep

you would probably initiate the random dates to make him experience the fun of getting away from duties for a while

"l-love wait i still have a lot of things to d-"

"oh come on its not even due tomorrow, let's go out!"

i swear you two are the perfect partners due to your somewhat contrasting personality and it balance out your synergy. recommended very true.

: ̗̀➛ leona kingscholar

ok so hear me out, your first meeting with leona is really funny because you are allergic to cats. crowley only helped you to be able to stay with grim without having any allergic reaction

but we are talking about this big cat dorm leader and your reactions shot up in an alarming rate and i kid you not your sneezing looks comedic to him

"lmao imagine being caught skipping class. couldn't been m- achoo!"

"hah, as you were saying again you annoying herbivore?"

dedicated to tease the hell out of leona, you would probably find a way to be able to nullify your allergy with crowley's help

at first you wouldn't get along that much because he developed this kind of "annoying bard herbivore" radar and its been shooting up nonstop

👏 let 👏 leona👏 sleep👏 challenge👏 failed

but the longer the two of you would annoy each other - the closer you become to the point that leona wouldn't be able to fall asleep immediately without hearing your voice

"herbivore come here."

"oh leona why so grumpy~ would you like to listen to my new song?"

cuddles with leona while skipping your classes would be a norm

even though you two have a love-hate relationship, he would never let anyone to harm you even though you can defend yourself with your anemo powers and weapon

leona would never admit it but he really feel like he is safe with you because even after learning about his past and issues you never treated him indifferent and even have the courage to play pranks on him

"hey herbivore?"

"hmm?"

"i love you."

"i know i am cut- wait repeat that again i want to hear!"

"no."

: ̗̀➛ azul ashengrotto

azul would be impressed because of the mind games you two are playing like you could see through each other and it did not even made him angry but more like amazed

but this octopus would fall for your prank please the way you would just randomly appeared out of thin air and hanging upside down

"heya azul!"

"aaaaaaa!! why are you hanging upside down?!?!"

"i believe i can fly~"

living under the sea his whole life and only having to experience to be on land for two years, azul is really invested with your stories of being a former archon especially when you can fly without using any wings and brooms? can you teach him?

and you would gladly help him torment those people who will try to make trouble in the restaurant by scaring them away

due to your high empathic intelligence and understanding, you would probably see through his facade and would make it your mission to make sure that the octopus isn't suppressing his feelings to the limit or overwork himself

"hey, you don't have to push yourself if you are too tired. come on, let's get you to bed and i will sing you your favorite song!"

azul would probably deny his feelings for you at first because why no he shouldn't be feeling that to his best friend right? but it leads to the tweels tormenting him until he finally accept the fact that he is in love with you

the way you would just express your love for him and shower him with compliments, kisses and hugs? oh god have mercy because he would be piping red and would be near to tears of joy

he is very glad you are there by his side 🥺

: ̗̀➛ kalim al-asim

no joke, kalim would immediately be your bestie

outgoing? check. carefree? check. loves to play music? oh my god check. this sunshine of a dorm leader would absolutely invite you to join the light music club

"hey (nameeee)~! we are having a party later do you and grim want to join?"

"party?! i don't know..."

"aw come on henchman!"

"we have drinks there!"

"sign me up!"

but it turns out it was only grape juice but hey you still had fun dancing around with the scarabia dorm.

this dorm leader loves your poems and stories about your experiences as an archon and would shower you with hugs whenever he sees your mood dampened talking about your friend who sadly passed during the war

"it's okay! i am sure your friend is pretty proud of you right now! you are really brave and amazing you know!"

and it wasn't surprising at all when the two of you got together like everyone could see you two simping for each other you are just so blinded by love 🤗

flying dates with kalim is a norm going to random places where you could just relax and cuddle which leads to jamil almost having a heart attack when he couldn't find kalim pls warn the vice dorm leader beforehand

you guys would have a small competition of showering your love for each other - you making different kinds of poems and stories while he would not hesitate to treat you out for a meal and buy you things and in the end you will just resort to cuddling each other in the comfort of your own room

very recommended 10/10 imagine having your best friend as your soulmate couldn't been me /3

: ̗̀➛ vil schoenheit

vil feels like he just met another rook because the resemblance between you and the hunter is just so sussy well except for your ability using anemo

during school events, the dorm leader would immediately putting you in charge with the decorating team because you can easily reach high places along with using wind to make rose petals rain in a coordinate manner but please do not blow away the venue

"ugh its so hot in here."

"would you like a little breezy vivi?"

"sure potato. wait this is not just a breeze my hairstyle is getting messy!"

"umm oops??"

being observant as he is, vil would be the one who will notice your loneliness and would often call you over to try on some make up on you and also to keep you company

are you sure that you don't know anything about skincare because your skin condition is a tier like wow just wow

the pomefiore dorm leader is amazed on how you do not fear to speak up what is on your mind whether be it in a small discussion or in battles and your battle plan is just flawless?

as the two of you got together everything would still be as is and lowkey because vil doesn't want the fans learning about your relationship in fear of you being attacked

but you would understand the situation and make it up to vil by shopping with him along with grim, epel and rook to avoid suspicion and shower him with poems and love in your rooms

"i am very sorry love that you are having a hard time."

"no not at all! i understand your situation and i still love you regardless. take all the time you need i am here for you always."

: ̗̀➛ idia shroud

oh god you are an extrovert, idia would be likely shined by your energy and aura

the first time you stumbled into ignihyde dorm and met the dorm leader, you would come up to him and start to talk away but stop when you immediately notice he is getting uncomfortable

"did i scare you? i know i shouldn't be here but can you give me directions to the ramshackle dorm? it's okay if you don't want to."

"i-it's okay i'll help you."

idia is thankful whenever you would share your stories about your world - he could just listen to it all the way and nod and you will easily get his message.

it turns out you are the interested in playing video games! you two would have some 1v1 battle and slowly he will get comfortable with you along with watching anime!

"(n-name)?"

"yeah? what's up dia?"

"can you sing this song?"

"oooo let me see let me see. sure i can!"

when he found out about your skills he was like "are you a ur character oh my gosh you are too op" and you would stare at him like 🤨

even though you two got together - the third year appreciate the way you would just comfort him through other ways whenever he heard the other dorm leader's remark about him not being able to attend in person

combing his hair, cuddling him or singing him a song you name it

"why are they so mean to me..."

"mmm, they are just jealous you can still operate smoothly despite not attending in meetings and classes in person but through your tablet."

his player number two and moral support. idia could feel like he could take on any of his problems with you by his side.

: ̗̀➛ malleus draconia

malleus would probably be your favorite because this dragon is so easy to tease 🥰

not that he mind though, you being in his company already makes his mood a lot of better especially when you told him that you two are somewhat the same

"child of man, are you not afraid of me?"

"ok first of all, i am (name) the bard and not a child of man! and second, why would i be afraid when i am friends with a dragon back home!"

he just loves your stories over the years you had been living.

you are once the god of freedom in your nation? that is so amazing. you saved your dragon friend from being manipulated? what a hero. you are still looking after your people even though you haven't appeared in front of them for years? at this point he really respects you

malleus really adores you because you never seemed to be scared of him and trying to keep him company as much as possible + listening to his troubles that he can't tell lilia and the others? he could just melt right then and there.

"mal, you are just so cute i could just kiss you right now."

"hmm? then why don't you do it beastie?"

"...😳"

having the ability to just appear out of nowhere with the help of the wind - you would randomly appear above malleus only to put flowers on his horn.

"what are you doing love?"

"showering you with love?"

please give him back hugs it will make him very flustered on the spot and give him kisses especially on his horns he deserve so much love

you know i kinda want to write for luxiem but 💀

1K notes · View notes

multifandomwhore-003 · 2 years

Text

"𝕯𝕰𝕷𝕴𝕽𝕴𝕺 𝕯𝕰 𝕲𝕽𝕬𝕹𝕯𝕰𝖅𝕬" 𝕿𝖍𝖊 𝟔𝟎𝟎 𝖈𝖊𝖑𝖊𝖇𝖗𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓

El oro pudo más que mi dolor

No tuviste compasión de mi agonía

Tú, sabiendo que mi alma se moría

Con amigos, entre copas, te reías

La ambición, delirio de grandeza

Hizo en mí un ser martirizado

Porque estaba locamente enamorado

Mujer, yo no merezco esa bajeza

Espero, con el tiempo justiciero

Que retornes buscando una ilusión de amor

Y volverás a mí, así lo espero

Así lo espero, mujer sin corazón

First of all, can I just say how grateful I am for all of you? It's insane how much you mean to my heart and mental health, I will never regret being on this app. I love you all so much. I hope you enjoy these dynamics and uh, yeah, thank you.

This celebration will begin on Monday, May 2nd and will end on May 20th at 11:59pm Central Daylight Time

My oh, my Mondays:

Let's get super messy, and not so much, you can send any juicy questions about me, my writing, my personal life, or you can use it as a confessional for your own life at any given moment of this day. You can use these 1 2 3 questions as inspiration.

Track Tuesdays:

Anything music related you can ask me about my favorite song, you can ask me to make a playlist for a character even, I have playlist for some of my WIPs and stuff so you can just ask me about a few songs, maybe what songs inspired me for some of my writings, etc.

Wallpaper Wednesdays:

This might come as a shock to y'all but it became very therapeutic for me to make desktop and phone wallpapers so you can also request any show or character for me to make one, here are some of the ones I've already made.

Thirsty Thursdays:

Pretty self-explanatory, send me some thots or random hc, and let's have a fun, thirsty little conversation, I wanna get to know y'all (Ik some of y'all are NASTY). Prompt list(s)

Fluffy Fridays:

Also pretty self-explanatory, the same dynamic as Thursdays but make it comforting, sweet, and beautiful. Prompt list(s)

Spitting Saturdays:

Basically, me and you writing random thoughts, poems, haikús, anything really. My asks are open to anyone who wants to share beautiful words. Prompt list(s)

Smutty Sundays:

Saved the best for the last, I'm gonna try and write at least one blurb as a little gift to y'all because let's be honest those are the things that most of y'all read the most. Prompt list(s)

Rules PLEASE DO NOT SKIP:

I only write character(s), actor(s) and/or actress(es) x female! reader, because I identify as a female reader and I cannot and will not write the experience of male and non-binary readers, it’s not my place and I don’t wanna wrongfully represent them.

18+ MINORS PLEASE DNI.

I can write for a lot of stuff, but I definitely have my limits regarding kinks specifically, you can request whatever, but if I don't feel comfortable writing it, I won't be able to fulfill it and I will let you know.

No shape or form of hate, misogyny, racism, or any type of phobia against the LGBTQ+ community is tolerated, if you do show any of these behaviors, you will be blocked. (When I mention these negative opinions in my narratives, I always imply I DO NOT support it.

These are the people that I write for:

◙ JJ Maybank (Character, Outer Banks)

◙ Rudy Pankow (Actor)

◙ Nailea Devora (Youtuber, Influencer)

◙ Madelyn Cline (Actress)

◙ Olivia Rodrigo (Actress, Singer)

◙ Alexa Demie (Actress, Singer)

◙ Sydney Sweeney (Actress)

◙ Victoria Pedretti (Actress)

◙ Peter Parker (Character, MCU, TASM saga, Sami Raimi's saga)

◙ Kate Bishop (Character, MCU)

◙ Yelena Belova (Character, MCU)

◙ Wanda Maximoff (Character, MCU)

◙ Druig (Character, MCU)

◙ Thena (Character, MCU)

◙ Ajak (Character, MCU)

◙ Sersi (Character, MCU)

◙ Matt Murdock (Character, MCU)

◙ Karen Page (Character, MCU)

◙ Robby Keene (Character, Cobra Kai)

◙ Tory Nichols (Character, Cobra Kai)

◙ Hawk / Eli Moskowitz (Character, Cobra Kai)

◙ Fezco (Character, Euphoria)

◙ Elliot (Character, Euphoria)

◙ Kat (Character, Euphoria)

◙ Maddy (Character, Euphoria)

◙ Cassie (Character, Euphoria)

◙ Lexi (Character, Euphoria)

◙ Adrian Chase (Character, Peacemaker)

◙ Emilia Harcourt (Character, Peacemaker)

◙ Bruce Wayne (Character, Matt Reeves' movie)

◙ Selina Kyle (Character, Matt Reeves' movie)

◙ Riddler (Character, Matt Reeves' movie)

◙ Jeff Winger (Character, Community)

◙ Annie Edison (Character, Community)

◙ Troy Barnes (Character, Community)

◙ Abed Nadir (Character, Community)

I really hope you guys participate and enjoy this, again, thank you so much, you mean the world to me

#Spotify #Lia's ✨grateful✨ —🥀#Lia's ✨fam✨ —🥀#lia's in ✨trouble✨ —🥀#Lia's ✨celebration✨ —🥀#Lia's ✨celebrating✨ —🥀

39 notes · View notes

ameliterature · 3 years

Text

Neil and Todd Jealousy POV (Yes, there's more)

Charlie POV | Cameron POV

Neil was an only child and this obviously came with minor character flaws. Not only was he given all of the attention by his parent (even if it was the bad kind) Neil never really had to share anything.

Not that he didn't want to share. He just never had many opportunities to, with the lack of siblings and all. The closest he had to a sibling was Charlie. Unlike Neil, Charlie would share everything with him because he had so much to give. Was it the fact that Charlie's family was rich and that he has at least 3 of each item? Maybe, but Charlie was sure to share what he had with his best friend.

Another thing Neil "the Welton Golden boy" Perry had as a flaw was that he simultaneously wore his heart on his sleeve and yet always tried to hide his feelings. Case in point: when Charlie made a move on Todd.

Now, it's only been roughly 2 semesters since they've known Todd Anderson. Neil had the gracious chance to be his roommate, so in some way, it was like having another best friend aside from Charlie. But what he felt for Todd was vastly different from his friendship with Charlie. Something about the way Todd smiled at him, something about the way he makes sarcastic remarks, something about the way they shared glances between each other every now and then.

Neil was completely enthralled by Todd. Some might say to the point of being possessive. Neil would say protective because Todd was the kind of person who needed to be kept safe. Todd wasn't good at standing up for himself, he wasn't good at speaking the same way he wrote poems. Neil took it upon himself to be the one to make Todd feel the included. He had to be included, he had to be where Neil was.

Thankfully the whole Dead Poet Society thing worked out well, Neil was surprised how well Todd was integrated into the group. They even spent Christmas break as a group with Todd. Things were going great between him and Todd, Neil couldn't ask for more than to share his experiences with Todd.

But one night, a regular ole Study group session, something caught Neil's eyes. Todd was helping Knox out with some love poem, obviously meant for Chris, and he could hear the contents of the poem.

"Hymns from above casted when you're near

Heaven's light shine atop a golden-haired angel

My heart's full of whims and vivid dreams

but in your presence they're obligations I hold close

Be mine and I'll keep your heart guarded

Because mine is with yours, unthwarted."

Neil hears Todd recite their draft poem, hearing it as if it were meant for him to hear. His own golden-haired angel was biting the end of his pencil as Knox was scribbling the rest of the poem. Neil catches himself staring just before Todd looks up at him so he brings his attention back to the trigonometry problem he was answering with Cameron.

He couldn't concentrate on sine, cosine, and tangents at the moment, not when Todd's hand is in his peripheral view; all perfect with it's blemishes and tapping to an imaginary beat. Every so often, he'd steal a glance at Todd's eyes, darting back and forth from his paper to Knox's. He'd be jealous of any pupil Todd would eventually have if he became an English teacher. To be consulted with his sweet voice, to be seated by him as he explains anything, to be taught how to express feelings he wasn't sure how to jot down.

Oh have Todd's untampered attention.

"Hey Todd," Charlie's voice resonates across their small table. Neil accidentally shot his eyes to his friend's direction without skipping a beat. "Mind helping me out with a poem too?"

Since when did Charlie ever ask for help from Todd? Not that he wasn't allowed to or anything, Todd was the right person for this task but-- Something about it wasn't sitting right with Neil.

What wasn't a surprise was Todd's hesitant acceptance. He watched as Todd moved over to Charlie's right hand side and Neil felt his back become warm. It wasn't just his back, his guts turned into an unrested sea, and his eyebrows twitched, trying to avoid a scowl.

"What do you wanna write about?"

"I wanna write about Love." Neil saw Charlie lean forward to look Todd deep into his eyes; for a moment, he thought he saw Todd blush. Neil didn't like Todd showing that expression to someone else, or at least someone like Charlie.

"S-So... We'll use cosine to get X--" Cameron muttered, snapping Neil back to his assignment. He looked at the blurred numbers and symbols, trying to remember what the other problem was.

"Right, cosine-"

Just before dinner, Neil catches up with Todd to walk with him to the dining hall.

"So," Neil started, not exactly sure where to lead the conversation to. "I guess it's spaghetti and meatballs again, huh?"

Todd pushed out a chuckle in response. "Yeah, I guess it is."

Neil had Todd to himself for a tiny moment, for a stupid one-liner too, but it felt like he was in Cloud nine. Todd's calm expression was all he could ask for, paired with his blue eyes looking back at him.

When they reached their table, they assumed their usual spots, Neil being on the left side of the table and Todd on the other. However, Charlie decided to change up the seating arrangement and sat beside Todd instead of him.

There's that funny feeling again. Neil's stomach was nothing but a pit that resembled a deep well without a bucket, nothing to retrieve and remove the sludge that was forming in it. He hated how Todd was so responsive to Charlie's words, how Charlie was so capable of making Todd blush, he hated the sight of Todd rubbing elbows with Charlie as they ate. Neil wasn't sure why he was feeling this way, why he even thought something innocent between Charlie and Todd could make him so agitated. It could all be his imagination.

When Todd left for the bathroom, Neil decided to interrogate his best friend.

"Hey Charlie, why the sudden change of seating arrangement? Thought I was your cute best friend." He tried to sound like his usual self.

"Well, I'm trying to get closer to Todd."

"W-what? Why?" Neil felt his voice crack, much like his confidence.

"I dunno, he's pretty cute. Don't you agree?"

"I--" Neil felt his whole body stiffen, his hand tightened it's pressure on his spoon like a clamp.

"I'm thinking of asking him out soon. No one else seems interested." Neil saw it, he saw Charlie smirk. Neil's emotions became unreasonably irrational, they became unhinged and even if he tried to hide it, they were all bubbling to the surface. Charlie had everything already, he and Neil shared everything before this, but for some reason, Neil couldn't share Todd with someone like Charlie.

"Oh hi, Todd! Welcome back" Neil glares at Charlie while he greets Todd.

"What did I miss?" Todd asks innocently, still taking his seat beside Charlie.

As Charlie began his sentence, Neil cuts him off. "Nothing-" Todd shifts his eyes to share eye contact with Neil. "By the way, we should head back to our room, I need help with my poems." Neil's last attempt of gaining the upper hand on Charlie failed when Charlie brought up his and Todd's prior arrangement.

Neil didn't get it. What did Charlie have that he didn't? Or better yet, what does Charlie not possess yet that he would try to make the moves on Todd?? Neil hated this feeling- this vicious vine-like feeling trapping him. Was it... Jealousy?

Neil's never had much of a reason to be jealous about someone before. He's only been jealous of people who were freer than him-- people like Charlie. Was he jealous of Charlie in that regard? That he could proudly express what he felt for Todd and Neil couldn't? He guessed that was the difference. Charlie did have everything; down to the personality that could make Todd fall for him.

Neil was in Meeks' dorm room, resigning himself in defeat like a pathetic loser he thought he was.

All Neil could do was blankly stare into the shine of the wires that coiled around parts of their machine. A brief knock on their door broke his trance- It was Cameron.

“Do you guys mind if I hang out here? I’m just gonna do my reviewers for a bit.”

“Sure, no problem.” Meeks nods, still measuring out some amount of wires.

“Wait, how come you’re not studying in your room?” Neil questioned,

Cameron took a moment to respond. “Charlie… he wanted to focus on his homework with Todd… Alone.”

This was the last straw for Neil, the final push that made him stand up for once. He couldn't bury his jealousy anymore, he had to confront Charlie.

He left his friends to march his way to Charlie's room. He wasted no time when asking Charlie about his motives.

"Well hello, Perry! What do I owe the pleasure?"

"Quit it-" Neil cuts him off. "Are you serious about Todd?"

"... What?"

"I- I'm asking if you're really interested in Todd?"

Maybe this was all a trick, maybe Neil was just being jealous, maybe Charlie was playing a cruel joke on Neil and he had to shake it out of him.

"Yes." Charlie's expression was ripe with confidence.

With that, Neil felt his world shatter. What was he doing? Was he gonna fight his friend over his feelings for Todd? Was he gonna deny Todd of someone as fun and as romantic as Charlie? Charlie's given so much to Neil and the way he was acting was nothing short of being selfish.

If Charlie really liked Todd, then Todd would be lucky. If Todd would return those feelings, Charlie would be the luckiest man to ever live.

Neil had nothing to offer to Todd that Charlie couldn't top. Neil felt his bitter feelings turn into catharsis, accepting that Todd's better off sharing his moments with Charlie than him.

"T-then... Please take care of him, okay?" Neil buckled his shoulders.

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"If you ever hurt Todd-- You're a dead man, got it?" Neil's eyes were like daggers, piercing right at Charlie's own brown eyes.

"R-right..."

Neil figured he had to leave, he couldn't bear to see Todd and Charlie exchanging looks. But this of course wasn't the case. A knock echoed in the room.

When he opened the door, Todd was right there, his beautiful eyes staring up at Neil will a quizzical expression.

Neil assumed that Charlie would most likely profess his love to those eyes, and that knowledge broke Neil's heart.

"Sorry Todd, looks like I'm gonna have to move our study session for now. I think Neil needs your help more. Right, Neil?" Charlie spoke, catching Neil's bewildered expression.

"I'm sure he's got something more important than mine anyway."

Neil looks at Charlie and Todd, bouncing a confused face between them. He sees Charlie's wink before Todd guides Neil out of the room.

Todd sighs as he returns to his room with Neil, his sweaty hands in the midst of sticking to his papers.

How did he end up in this situation?

How could he explain the entire day?

It all started when he told Charlie about his crush on Neil in private. All he wanted was advice from the best friend of his crush and nothing more.

"Glad you came to me, Toddsie!" Charlie pats him on the back excitedly.

Todd didn't like how enthusiastic Charlie was being in this situation, though he was grateful Charlie immediately accepted him for coming out.

"I know exactly how to make him fall in love with you!"

"L-look Charlie, I'm not trying to get Neil to like me! I just-- I just wanted to know how to deal with all these feelings I'm having."

All these feelings- Todd's had these "feelings" ever since Neil shook his hand for the first time in the courtyard. He's never met someone as perfect as Neil. Yeah, he had Father Issues, impulsive actions, even the tendency to make weird noises (but he found those the cutest) and yet Neil made Todd's world move.

Neil's laughter, Neil's smile, the stolen glances he catches Neil casting his direction-- It was all Todd sought after in his recent days at Welton.

"Oh please, Todd, those 'feelings' are straight up love from what I hear. We just have to know if Neil feels the same way!"

"We don't even know if he's interested in men! Charlie- What am I supposed to do?" Todd buried his face into his hands.

"Don't worry, I'll find out a way to not only check if he swings that way, but I can guarantee I can get him to return your feelings."

"That-- That doesn't make any sense, Charlie." Todd wasn't able to question his friend any longer as they dashed into the study hall.

The Study group went on as usual, Todd assisting Knox with his poem for Chris, Meeks and Pitts building a contraption he was sure was the Radio Mark II, and Neil, Cameron and Charlie trying to answer some trigonometry homework.

What didn't help was Neil being directly in front of him. Todd could see Neil in his glasses, unabashedly handsome and very distracting. Todd would try his best to help Knox with his poem but Todd's eyes would linger onto Neil's perfectly "framed" face.

He then hears Charlie call him over. At first, Todd didn't think much of it, but he soon regrets ever telling Charlie of his crush on Neil.

The whole evening, Charlie tried to make Neil jealous without planning it out with Todd first. If Todd had at least known, he wouldn't have been trying picture Neil in Charlie's place as some sort of "method acting" to go along with this scheme. When dinner began, Charlie took Cameron's spot for 'maximum efficiency'. It didn't help when Charlie called him "cute" in front of Neil. Would Neil agree? Would Neil even describe a guy to be cute? Would Todd be able to enjoy his spaghetti and meatballs without Charlie's arm around him?

Todd decided that he should excuse himself to the bathroom for compose himself. (And to evade the plethora of compliments Charlie showered him with.)

When it came from Charlie, it felt like a joke, like a friendly description, really, than an actual compliment. Then Todd thinks if they came from Neil... then those words would make him swoon.

Would Neil even fall for this type of trick? Was it even right to trick Neil like this? Would Neil be even okay with the idea of Todd being in a relationship in with a man? He wasn't even sure if Neil would accept Todd's feelings, let alone feel jealous of Charlie.

As Todd approached their table, he's immediately greeted by Charlie.

"What did I miss?"

"Well Todd--" "Nothing." Neil cuts of Charlie with a serious tone.

Oh no... did Neil find out? Did Charlie rat him out already?

"By the way, we should head back to our room, I need help with my poems." Neil looks up at Todd with an expression that is both deadpan and attractive to him, Todd had no other choice but to accept.

"What? Todd, I thought you'd help me out?" Charlie pouts. "I did ask first." Todd didn't want to miss his opportunity to be with Neil, especially not when he looks at him like that. But Todd looks back at Charlie, raising his eyebrows as if to say "Just go along with it."

Todd was reluctant, of course, he didn't want to perpetuate fooling Neil in any way, but he wasn't sure if Neil had anything to return at all. They were always alone after all, nothing would be stripped away if he spent one evening in Charlie's room to make Neil jealous.

"Right, sorry, Neil. I'll go back to our room after I help out Charlie." Todd replied with a pained expression hidden behind his face.

That evening, when he approached Charlie's room, he hears Neil's voice muffling through. Todd wished had the will to listen in but he assumed it wouldn't be his business if it was said behind closed doors. He took another moment before knocking on Charlie's door.

Neil opens the door for Todd, their eyes meeting briefly, like a celestial occurrence that Todd took note of. Have they always been this brown?

"Hi Todd!" Charlie greets him, breaking him from Neil's gaze.

"Hey Charlie, Hi Neil."

He was expecting Charlie to pull another stunt to make Neil's brown eyes angry, but instead both his and Neil's eyes lifted in surprise when Charlie told him Neil needed his help more.

Did they come to some agreement?

And Todd could've sworn Charlie was winking at Neil... or was it at him?

All these questions didn't matter when they were alone in their room.

Their chests rattled like cages, their hearts ready to jump out at any moment.

Neil bit his lip as Todd took a seat by his desk.

"S-so Neil..." Todd muttered, "Can I ask you something? B-before I help you with your poem..."

"Oh- Yeah, sure."

"What do you think of... of men dating each other?"

Neil lets out a tiny cough. "W- Excuse me?"

"Do you think... it's ok? For two guys to like each other?"

Neil wasn't sure how to respond, was Todd telling him that he liked Charlie? Was Neil too late? Did he miss his chance to tell Todd what he really felt?

"I-- I guess it's alright," Neil answered, slumping his shoulders down in defeat. If he was gonna lose Todd to Charlie, he might as well be supportive. "But- you have to make sure it's the right person." Neil wasn't going down without a fight though.

Todd's face brightened with Neil's response. So 1 part of his query is answered; Neil is ok with the idea of men liking each other. Now it's the question of Neil's feelings for Todd.

"I-If someone, a guy, liked you, how would you feel?" Todd stood up, turning to face Neil. Both of them were by their desks, like two sturdy posts defending their base. Todd awaited Neil’s response with the anticipation akin to a war officer in a meeting room.

"I... would really only prefer it from one guy." Neil took a step forward, with the courage of a powerful Chesspiece during an endgame.

Todd took note of this, mimicking his step, this time walking a bit closer to Neil with his hands in his pockets. "Y-yeah? Who?"

Neil noted this feeling being similar to a spelling bee, like spelling out a complicated word letter by letter, taking a breath to make sure the next thing he was about to say was exactly what the world wanted him to say.

"You, Todd. It's always going to be you."

Todd looks up at Neil, who's now inches away from him from, fully realizing their slight height difference. "I'd say the same for you."

"I hope... I'm not... taking you away from Charlie-" Neil slowly brings his hand to sweep Todd’s hair aside to see his eyes better.

Todd snickers slightly, catching Neil by surprise. "Neil... You don't have to worry about Charlie. I don't have any feelings for him."

"But-" Neil looks concerned, feeling like he betrayed Charlie. "He... He likes you. Todd, I--"

"Is that what he told you? Neil... I hope you won't be angry when I tell you he's been pulling your leg."

Neil jerks his head backwards. "What?"

"I.. Just promise you won't be angry okay?" Todd had to come clean, he couldn’t handle Neil thinking badly of him if he never admitted Charlie's plan. Neil nods before Todd reveals Charlie’s idiotic scheme to get them together by means of tomfoolery.

Neil sighs with a smile, leaning forward to rest on Todd's shoulder. Todd was still getting used to the fact Neil's VERY close right now.

"Well, you guys did a pretty good job of making me extremely jealous." Neil laughs a bit. He was in relief that he didn't need to compete with Charlie.

"I'm... I'm really sorry, Neil. I told him I just wanted advice." Todd looks down with embarrassment.

Neil tilts Todd’s chin up with his hand, bringing his face up to look at him. "You're gonna have to make up for it, y'know?"

Todd’s face simmered under Neil's touch. "I know."

Todd learned that Neil was a Jealous type of guy, not the type to be possessive, but definitely the type to mope around rather than steal someone else's love interest.

Luckily for Neil, he already had Todd’s heart to begin with.

Neil wasn’t used to sharing, but he and Todd shared their first kiss that night. That's a compromise he was willing to do.

Bonus:

Knox, Meeks and Pitts POV:

4 of their friends (the roommates) getting paired up in one night made them:

Thanks again to @sweettodd for that one post that spawn all these POVs haha

Taglist: @anderperrytheplatypus @she-nuwanda @andersonsdeskset @sweetnessbythesea @maisietheweltoncow [tell me if u wanna be added/removed next time]

#anderperry #anderperry fic #yes it's another #jealousy trope #Neil and Todd #POV!#anderperry one shot #dead poets society #anderperry fanfic #fanfic #dps #dead poets society fanfic #dps fic

114 notes · View notes