Acta Onomastica Birmanica
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Journal Entry (#22) ~
It is Saturday and we got all my crap out of the apartment. It was a lot and took a lot of money to ship it back to Texas. Tomorrow we start our journey back home. We are spending the night in Idaho tomorrow night and then Vegas for two nights. It is going to be a long drive but i’m honestly ready to get back home.
1. How were your emotions today?
They were up and down but not too crazy. More stressed trying to get everything packed up and into my car. We might have to mail yet another box because there just simply isn’t any room for our suitcase.
We had dinner tonight as well with R and his bestie C. It was my dad’s first time having korean bbq and he was not so impressed lol he liked it but wish there was more flavor to the meats. I love going, the food is always super yummy 😋
I almost started crying after they left and R gave me a good ol’ pat on the back. I think what caused that emotion was me being inside of my head. Just overthinking everything. I know that isn’t good for me moving forward and i’m honestly kinda proud that i didn’t let my emotions get the best of me. Of course its always okay to FEEL but i’m just glad i was about to control it a little better. Its the small things that make a whole lot of difference and i’m happy i’m making progress. I’m proud of myself, more so that i’m doing this for me :)
It was good to see R again. He asked if my dad and i could have breakfast with them tomorrow morning. I don’t know if R felt it but when we are playful and teasing each other, i always get this flirty feeling. I don’t know. Its probably just me. I know this distance is good for us right now but my heart just still wants him you know? Ugh... it’ll take time 😅
2. Did you have any lingering thoughts?
None that i can pinpoint. I think i handled most of everything pretty well.
3. Was there anything, big or small, that upset you today?
Not really. Maybe small annoyances while moving my boxes but other than that, everything was good. I think i’m learning how to handle different situations a lot better. I think i’m also a tad jealous of any girl that talks to R... friendly or not. I honestly do not know what is going to happen between me and him. A part of me wants to just cut off contact and not have anything to do with him but another part of me wants to keep contact and talk/text/play video games and just be in each other’s lives. Again, its the unknown. I think thats another thing i wanna chat with my therapist about. Its not knowing what is coming next that truly scares me. I guess because i don’t know how i’m going to handle situations when they happen and not be prepared for it. Isn’t that what life is about though? Expect the unexpected? You can’t really prepare for things that might or might not happen but i think being ready for any outcome is the best way to go; that way if things go in different directions, you’ll be able to deal with them in a healthier way.
I also wanna continue to work on my breakup workbook once i get back to Texas. It will help me heal from everything and i know i will heal from being hurt but i don’t think my heart will stop wanting R. Its that unknown. I just have to accept things for what they are and keep my head up. He’s got my back and i got his. We will always have that connection and care for each other. I don’t wan to say i’m going to wait for him, cause i’m not, but i guess there is a tiny bit of hope for the future.
4. What activities did you do to destress?
Having dinner was nice and spending time with R & C.
I didn’t really have a lot of time to destress and relax. I’m honestly yawning as i write this because i’m just tuckered out. So. Much. Stuff lol
5. What still worries you?
Kinda worried about my car and i hope it makes it back to Texas. One of the tires is kinda messed up... cause of me hitting curbs and stuff. I’m trying to get better at driving! My clumsiness just shows up in my driving too i guess lol
Another is R... i just want him to figure stuff out and be okay ya know? I care and love him so so much.
6. Did you work on your mental health books?
Not yet. I will after i do this entry.
Wish i had more stuff to add and say but i think overall the day was good. Just kinda hard for me to take a step back from everything and just focus on myself. I mean so far it has been really good but also hard. I think this self-reflection journey is one i’m really happy to be on.
Tomorrow I will go to my grandmas funeral. Tonight I am drunk with my friends, going to a frat party and doing a keg stand for the first time. I don’t know what grieving is supposed to look like but I don’t think it’s this. This feels wrong and this feels guilty and this feels like a one way ticket to hell. But wouldn’t she want me to be enjoying my time here. Wouldn’t she want me to be the happiest that I could be.
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Holy fuck I made one text post and got bombarded by messages from predatory, creepy, men. THE ONLY REASON YOU SHOULD BE IN MY INBOX IS IF YOUR PAYING ME FOR MY TIME.
Sunday 18th April 2021 - I think to regret is useless in life. It belongs to the past. - Marlon Brando
*inhumane screeching noises*
~ On some days, I sorely miss creating layers in my journal. ~ 💕💕
After many years of spotty activity after the great Tumblr porn purge, I have returned. A Tumblr elder. I still hate it here.
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three days left of what feels like a week of bingeing. i can already tell that i gained, i just do not know how much. i am afraid to find out, but i have to remember i will lose it quickly once my metabolism is reset. or that is the hope, anyway.
steps taken: 7081
water intake: 4L
Today wasn't terrible, a little bit of sun goes a long way.
it’s funny to me when bigots claim they’re not homophobic/transphobic/etc., since they’re not afraid of the LGBT - first of all, wrong definition there, buddy. Secondly - why are you so scared of trans women in women’s bathrooms then? Why are you so scared of gay men teaching your children in schools? Why are you so scared of putting teens on puberty blockers?
are you SURE you aren’t scared of us, hon?
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Journal of the Institute of Xenophilosophy
Book Buyer’s Remorse
I made a rash decision today and bought Sarah Hogle’s new book, Twice Shy, because there was a “gushiest gush” about it on r/romancebooks. I’ve been in a lingering slump for a couple weeks and needed something now, not ~11 weeks from now. I really should have waited, not least because I really can’t stand the idea of mom getting a look at the quintessential rom-com cover, full of pastels and primary colors and white-bread-looking couples.
I wasn’t as confident in the story’s ability to deliver as I usually am when I purchase a book, preferring to wait out my library hold or else hunt down pirated copies on the internet. (Epub, I love you.) But the gush on Reddit was so well written and promised tropey goodness that all sounded exactly my style: The hero has anxiety and is a virgin (!!!), the heroine as a Coffee Shop AU she returns to frequently in her imagination; there are note/letter exchanges; hero is discovered to have been drawing the heroine... What more could I ask for?
A whole lot. For some reason my brain tricked me into thinking this would be a kind of Talia Hibbert book. I don’t really know why. I have very vague memories of You Deserve Each Other, and I remember feeling like the writing quality exceeded that of many other authors. But at the same time, I also vaguely remember that there were aspects to the book I disliked, although I think they were more about the choices the author made in the construction of the characters themselves—I didn’t really have a problem with the writing, or even with the development of the story. It just seemed not totally my cup of tea. And yet she still managed to get me to like it quite a lot. So, yeah, I had mixed feelings for YDEO.
Thinking that I’d get the writing quality plus a guarantee that I’d like the personality types promised in the premise, I bought the book without my usual circumspection. It was a mistake. There were two or three moments I thought were done exceptionally well, but the rest of it fell flat. There aren’t specifics I can rant about in a satisfying way, just disappointment in the thing as a whole.
Maybell, little h, wasn’t relatable. I usually hate it when reviewers describe characters in this way, or give a low rating because of it. Whether a character is relatable will of course be largely dependent on who’s reading, and, in my opinion, it is still very possible to have characters who are well written and even appeal to you, without... I don’t know...sharing their hobbies. I have forgotten her name, but I absolutely loved reading about the female lead in Daniel Deronda, though I would hope we have very little in common.
I think I’ve discovered a subtly new meaning for the label, though. Maybell felt like a character, not a person. There were periods of time during which I felt the author was using the rom-com AutoFill feature in writing her, periods usually filled with your typical dollar store between-the-scenes glue. They are the kinds of moments I imagine people who don’t read romance novels believe to be the main course of every single one, and they always run along similar lines to these: there will be a moment that makes the main character’s breaths come shallow (an overreaction to underwhelming stimuli in most cases); the author may pull out this dusty old trick: having her heroine run headlong into a “brick wall” which, after a dizzying moment of reorientation, is it revealed to be the hero’s sturdy chest (this is of course immediately proceeded with the hero’s “reaching out instinctively to steady [the heroine]”); or the heroine will view the potentiality of falling for the hero as her tragic doom, necessitating his avoidance at all cost (queue shamefully wimpy attempts at avoidance which could be gloriously satisfying if done well, and yet they almost always make the FMC come off as stuffy or melodramatic); or the dreaded “truth for truth” game, which I feel should be banned from any romance author’s repertoire, it’s such a blatant cheat as to be almost insulting. She even managed to make the note exchanges eye roll-y, which astounds me, but I suspect it was because she hacked that trope as well. It all felt hacked. There was a reason the author of the gushiest gush I mentioned felt that the author lined up all of her trope weaknesses and smashed them with a love hammer. It’s because that was all she seems to have done in the effort to make the love story appealing. It felt like she’d gone lurking in the romance subreddit and made a novel out of a list of the things we’ve confessed a weakness for, and didn’t think we’d notice if she left it at that. Well, you can’t leave it at that. Or you get shit like this.
Their thoughts and words and actions are those of a fictional couple having a picnic, or a fictional couple baking doughnuts, or a fictional couple renovating the house; not of a real couple doing any of those things.
Why I thought I’d get Talia Hibbert quality our of Ms. Hogle I have no idea. Maybe it was the memories I had of her first book as being emotionally more complex than average, and I conflated their abilities and/or styles. I may have to reread Get A Life, Chloe Brown as a palate cleanser... god, every time Red calls Chloe, “Button,” I can feel my higher brain function atrophy.
We've all been there, in that place full of dreams. You once wanted to be somebody, someone who has a purpose, someone who can inspire people. You just wanted to either be seen or be hear or just be felt, at least. Although, as time passes by, as your world expands and you meet more people and learn more things, tou start to understand that you are a nobody. You're not gonna be seen or be heard or be felt. You will not inspire or have a purpose. You are constantly failing and you are being tossed around and you have not been putting up a fight. You start to feel invisible even when you once dreamed of becoming invincible. Each passing year you float instead of running, you let the wind take you wherever it may take you. You are lost and useless and you start to accept it.
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Proceedings of the 8th Annual Workshop of the Angmar Institute for Folklore