Brief an mich selbst
Es tut mir leid, dass ich so verzweifelt versucht habe, andere zu reparieren, während du selbst total kaputt warst.
Es tut mir leid, dass ich dir nicht genug Zeit gegeben habe, um zu heilen und dich ständig zu Dingen gezwungen habe, für die du eigentlich keine Kraft hattest.
Es tut mir leid, dass es Tage gab, an denen das Lächeln wehgetan hat, aber du dich gezwungen hast zu lachen, damit sich niemand Sorgen um dich machen muss.
Es tut mir leid, dass es Nächte gab, in denen du dich in den Schlaf geweint hast und niemand sich die Mühe gemacht hat, zu verstehen warum.
Und es tut mir so leid, dass ich dich nicht so geliebt habe, wie du es verdient hast, geliebt zu werden.
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Now I'm All Messed Up
Shoko Ieiri x F! Reader.
You and Shoko "break up"?
Hurt No Comfort, Not Proof Read, Wrote This In 30 Minutes.
OB talk: Inspired by the song Now I'm All Messed Up x Tegan and Sara. I couldn't get the idea out of my head after listening to Heartthrob for the 75th time. In my mind, it was written for a female reader but nothing is gendered.
The butt of her cigarette gets smashed under her shoe as Shoko enters into her empty apartment. It was devoid of life, devoid of joy, devoid of you.
Now I’m all messed up.
Sick and tired of wondering where.
Where you're leaving your makeup
Flashbacks of your terrible singing coming to her mind while she drops her stuff at the door, not even bothering to hang up anything properly. You should be dancing around in her kitchen right now, trying to stay awake as you make her a late-night dinner that she continually told you, you didn’t have to. But you always insisted. Before you, she barely ate dinner, she barely ate anything surviving off of cigarettes and coffee, but you made sure she ate, you made sure she took care of herself. You took care of her.
Now I’m all messed up.
Sick and tired of wondering who
Who’s life you're making worthwhile?
But now you were gone. Your light had left the cold apartment not long ago and she missed it. She missed you. You were her everything, and yet she was the reason you left. You were her everything, but in those last moments, in those last months, she treated you as if you were nothing to her but a burden. The genuine care you had for her was seen as nothing more than a nuisance as she was putting in overtime, barely sleeping, barely eating, and barely doing anything else besides work. The last words between the two of you still feel fresh in her mind.
Go
(Please stay)
Go, if you want, I can’t stop you.
You had brought her dinner to the hospital, another 24-hour shift. She met you in the parking lot while she was taking a smoke break. As you handed her the dinner you packed you fiddle with your sleeves nervously as if you had something to say. The sight of it annoyed her for some reason, making her roll her eyes.
“What” her voice coming out in a huff.
“I know you’ve been so busy lately, and I understand that I do but I was wondering if you could take some time off to come to my art showing. This one’s kind of a big deal and you haven’t really had the time to go to the last few, which I completely understand I know how busy you are but if there was any way you could see if you could maybe take some time off and come. I understand if you can’t I do I was just hoping that maybe you could. If not it’s fine.”
You ramble on trying to downplay how important this galleria was to you. She had missed the last few ones, well more than a few the last several ones, and those were the ones where you had made some big connections that procured you a spot at this huge important galleria opening. Several of your paintings were going to be displayed and some of them were even going up for auction. This was actually a really big deal for you, an important step in your journey as an artist, and all you wanted was your girlfriend there.
Shoko stomped out her cigarette in annoyance, “If it’s not that important then why even ask me to come? You know they’ve been having me work triples here and what kind of time would I have to go to something like that.”
She was stressed and annoyed. Shoko knew that she shouldn’t be taking it out on you, shouldn’t have been constantly taking it out on you but she just couldn’t help it. No matter what she said or did, you always were so understanding, so forgiving, so ready to hold her after a long day stroking her hair as you told her how proud you were of her—kissing her head softly, comforting her until she fell asleep in the middle of the morning before you got up to take care of the house and the rest of your day. You loved her, you loved her with all that you had.
“Yeah no, you’re absolutely right. Sorry for even asking. I completely understand” Your eyes burned with the threat of tears; your voice wavering as you tried to keep your composure. Every word that was said to you, broke your heart bit by bit.
“I’m sorry I’ve been such a bother to you, maybe I should stay back at my own place for a while.” You suggest, hoping that she would come around, hoping that she wouldn’t agree.
“Yeah, probably if you want.”
You give her a sad nod, before trying around the tears already streaming down your face.
Just go if you want to.
Go if you want, I can’t stop you.
Go if you want, I can’t stop you.
That was the last time she had seen you in weeks. Now here she lay face down in her bed, somehow the sheets still smelled of you, everything in her room smelled like you. There were still bits of you in there, some things that you missed. The little frogs you sculpted for her still sat on the bedside table. There were a few unfinished canvases in her closet. There was still so much of you, except without you. All she was left with was the scent of cigarettes and you.
Now I’m all messed up.
Sick and tired of wondering where.
Where you’re leaving your makeup.
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He left no time to regret
Kept his dick wet
With his same old safe bet
Me and my head high
And my tears dry
Get on without my guy
You went back to what you knew
So far removed
From all that we went through
And I tread a troubled track
My odds are stacked
I'll go back to black
We only said goodbye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to
I go back to us
I love you much
It's not enough
You love blow and I love puff
And life is like a pipe
And I'm a tiny penny
Rolling up the walls inside
We only said goodbye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to
We only said goodbye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to
Black, black
Black, black
Black, black
Black
I go back to
I go back to
We only said goodbye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to
We only said goodbye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to black
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