벌새 [House of hummingbird] (Kim Bora - 2018)
Are you an Empath?
I’m all the above! 😬😬
Hi hello I just ate an entire box of mac n cheese while crying in my dorm's kitchen with the swift cold refreshing rush of wind through the window seal at 4:12 am contemplating my future in 105 different ways and outcomes destined by a single action done right or wrongly while my depression, anxiety PTSD, ADHD, chronic fatigue, OCD, and broken heart swallows me whole and shreds the skin off my soul down to a withering beaten down core...
And then I walked away.
Is this college? ￼
when my heart beats, i’m free [Edelgard/Byleth]
when my heart beats, i'm free
[Post-CF] Byleth and Edelgard sit and talk after a minor battle - Byleth feels overwhelmed by their new encyclopedia of feelings that they have access to. They reflect on that new change together.
Edelgard strained, “It is... not pleasant.”
“I know,” Byleth applied a rainbow-colored salve on Edelgard’s wounds. Bandits had attacked a camp earlier, and Edelgard was close enough with Byleth to stop it.
Edelgard hissed as they slowly rubbed the salve on the wound. With a higher-pitched voice than normal and still strained, she asked, “And where did you get this salve from?”
“Constance made it.”
The groan Edelgard made gave Byleth pause.
“Is that… not a good thing? She said there were ‘speedy-healing properties’ in this. I tried it myself.”
As the pain began to subside, Edelgard found herself able to release the breath she wasn’t aware she had been holding.
“I’ll admit, I was wrong about Constance’s abilities; this really is quite an effective healing ointment.”
Byleth cocked their head to the side. “You were… ‘wrong’ about her? We won a war with her on our side, what do you mean?”
Edelgard sighed. “I just mean that sometime in the past, Constance had a ‘first draft,’ shall we say, that was nothing more than a parlor trick.”
Byleth massaged Edelgard’s shoulders. “Is this okay?” Almost instantly, Edelgard melted under their touch.
Byleth started thinking out loud, “Maybe if we can distract Constance in some way, we can get her to mass produce this stuff! Soldiers can be healed in half the time, cutting battle prep in half--”
“You’re doing it again.”
“Sorry, force of habit.”
Edelgard rested her head against Byleth’s chest. “It’s no problem. In fact, it’s pretty cute when you get really passionate about such things to the point where you can’t help but ramble about them.”
This confused Byleth - “It… is?”
“Yes, I think so.”
The sun was starting to set, and Byleth watched the shadows by the trees elongate. Since the Immaculate One’s defeat, Byleth’s heart beat… like a cage was placed around the heart, preventing it from accessing emotion. They believed Edelgard’s love, mixed with the victory, triggered this massive change. They had access to more emotions than they knew what to deal with! It was like relearning how to be a… person.
“It’s strange,” Byleth said. Edelgard hummed in question, cozying up closer. “I had always had a vague kind of a feeling back then… of being an outsider. Like I somehow knew I was different from everyone else besides the surprised comments about smiling.”
Edelgard frowned, but Byleth didn’t see it. “I always found that behavior peculiar. Why point out when someone’s smiling? It would only function to make the person self-conscious.”
“Mm. Now that I have access to all these emotions, I’d… have to agree. Back then, I didn’t think of it; was unable to think about it deeper. Even more strange is how many people commented on my quiet mannerisms. Is it really so strange, El? I don’t believe I ever acted out of line.”
“No, of course not.” Edelgard said this as if it was preposterous, face scrunched it; Byleth studied it. “You had never behaved untoward or made inappropriate advances on the students, nor said anything unprofessional. You just… did your job.”
Byleth looked down, uncertain. They felt Edelgard’s rather cold hands cup their face. “Is that behavior looked down upon? Even though you’re validating it as ‘correct,’ it still isn’t? Shamir's like that all the time... I don’t…”
“Dear, I know that you’re still getting used to it all, and I can only imagine how overwhelming it is, but please don’t lose any confidence because of petty, silly stuff like this.”
“Hmm. Something tells me this is a… bigger topic than we could cover tonight.”
Edelgard nodded, then cuddled up to Byleth again, wrapping her arms around her spouse.
Byleth made a face, one closest to concern. “I still feel… ‘closed off’ sometimes - like before.. I will need some sort of help in understanding when this type of thing is happening - when expressing an emotion or behavior is unacceptable and when it’s not.” They paused to stroke Edelgard’s hair, a little knotted up from the battle. “Though… I guess if all else fails, I can play the part of Stoic Professor, since I know that works, right?”
Edelgard laughed, and Byleth thought it was the most soothing, beautiful thing they’d heard in ages. In fact, they immediately began to try to describe it to communicate later.
“A light, airy tone, one that would stop you in your tracks. A full tone, with no teasing behind it. Pure mirth.”
Edelgard looked up and saw a portion of the face she had grown to love so deeply. She reached up and stroked Byleth’s cheek, understanding that they were doing what they needed to understand. She wanted Byleth to know she would always provide a judgement-free space for such learnings, and ‘showing’ would be less confusing for them then ‘telling,’ she decided.
“Yes, my love, pure mirth. You do that to me, and you’ve been doing it more and more. It’s a wonderful thing. I never laughed much growing up; even at the Officer’s Academy, certainly not during the war… Wow. I guess I haven’t really laughed that much.”
“Manuela once told me that ‘ laughing is medicine for the soul ’ - maybe this is what she meant?” Byleth pondered aloud, never having laughed much, either. They took Edelgard’s hand from their face and kissed each finger - except the ring - that got double-kiss privileges.
Edelgard giggled, and felt Byleth’s lips curl into a smile and kiss some more - down the wrist, the arm, and then the top of her head. Edelgard laughed all the while - that same airy laugh that Byleth loved. How could they keep hearing it? What did they have to do?
“I wish I could bottle your laugh so I can listen to it whenever I get stressed,” Byleth said, wistful.
That struck Edelgard as particularly loving, romantic. Neither of them had much experience in the field of love, but that feeling has to be love. It’s too strong not to be.
Edelgard shifted positions, feeling her heart beating in her throat, so she was facing Byleth.
She felt shy about initiating anything like kissing or the sort, so she stalled by running her fingers through Byleth’s long hair. She hummed while she did it, hoping to see Byleth grow and learn different emotions, how to express them and what they felt like. Edelgard hoped she created some sort of peaceful or joyous sensation in Byleth.
She watched Byleth close their eyes - the perfect time to strike! The softest of kisses graced Byleth’s lips; it felt so nice, their lips curled into a smile, which made Edelgard smile in return. Her smile dropped slightly as she began to think, absentmindedly twisting parts of Byleth’s hair into braids.
“We should get back soon,” Edelgard said with a huff. She got up, and held out a hand to help Byleth up. “I want you to know that if you ever feel you need someone to talk to about this, I can be that person for you. I don’t want you navigating something as complicated as newfound emotions alone.”
“I’m sure ‘Wife’ puts you pretty high on my list, yes. Not to worry.”
Edelgard snorted and laughed, almost dropping their gear. “Seems you’ve got a headstart on the ‘smartass’ section…
And so they picked up their gear and walked with the setting sun to their backs, talking along the way to Garreg Mach.
I want to rant about something specific and pls comment if you have your opinion because I am still broken and confused about my mother, I just need clarity.
•She thought I was jealous of her or with my Dad (not sure, either or)
•My awakening started in that time since I was smoking weed, i started to see the truth in her eyes, literally
•Once I saw the truth I spoke my truth and she hated that and brought me down for it because I usually would stay quiet
•She kept giving me weird ass looks at me around my Dad so it would be uncomfortable for me to be around him, I would mostly be in my room
•I kept denying this shit. Kept denying her wrong doings but it was biting me so harshly, I tried to ignore it because ofc I do not want to think this way of my own mom
•I started to see more of the bad of her and I couldn't share my opinion anymore because she is so harsh with her judgements and the only thing I lived for was her opinions
•She wanted this image of me to be the "innocent" girl. She would brag about how I got bullied and how much of a nice/kind girl I am and I told her not to talk about that to ppl bc it was embarrassing for me, I would cry as well. I saw her face and knew she wanted to show ppl she was "perfect with a perfect child"
•She got mad at me bc I kissed a girl in school and the teachers caught me and told my mom. My mom said, I'm so disappointed in you cause you were suppose to look innocent, not anymore.
•Finally I spoke up to her about something that was bothering me and she yelled at me calling me crazy and paranoid and that I needed pills. It was so embarrassing, she wouldn't really let me speak, she got so angry at me. I told her, I remember that day when we all was sitting in the living room and my mom looked at me with those eyes and ask if I was jealous then sat on my Dad's lap, that made me so uncomfortable it was disgusting to me, my Dad even said no in disbelief on what she said. So when I finally told her about this she got so mad and said that was a joke and I'm sensitive!! She would continue to change it and finally say she doesn't remember lol
•She would continue to call me sensitive after all that, it broke me so bad because when I would cry she would look at me with a disgusted face and say ew to me
•I always had this weird/sketchy/negative vibe to her and I still deny this feeling because she is so good at manipulating ppl
•She even tells me she manipulates men and controls them for her own good. She told me this! She said that she can have anyone thinking something different even if they didn't experience it.
•I observe every detail and she is good at acting it's crazy, she can be an actress deadass.
•She made me feel crazy for so long, she messed with my head and I thought I was the problem, I thought I was a narcissist cause she would throw things at my face saying I'm crazy and sensitive and look at me with a disgusted face say why am I like this
•Its hard to explain what she does but she is very sneaky. I get a lot of signs from the universe about this and I ignore it bc it hurts and frustrates me so I blame myself for so long
•I forgot to mention, whenever I try to talk about how I feel (I barely do) she would quickly change the subject to herself. Or when I need her the most she would leave me in my room crying (bc I was depressed) and she went to tell my sister that I'm so miserable
There are going to be many situations in life when you allow a person or situation to affect your emotions.
In that moment pause for a second an realise that nothing should be able to control your emotions but you, because the minute you allow things and people to effect your emotions you are allowing them to have control over you.
Make it a goal today to stay in control of your emotions and see how nice it is to not get upset over little things. This will change your life for the better day by day
One of my favorite feelings is laughing with someone and realizing half way through how much I enjoy them and their presence.
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Small stories, big ideas and it’s never my fault
Small stories, big ideas and it’s never my fault
One of the reasons I love the haibun is because of its ability to make a point with its brevity. Let’s face it, most of us are prone to go into details, not just writers. When I started playing around with the idea for this piece, I was thinking of all the times I have heard or seen people play the blame game. For some crazy and most likely selfish reason, we think that laying the blame elsewhere…
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He will forever be the reason my heart calmed
The reason the storms in my mind subsided
And the reason why I believed in love again
i'm already falling behind in a class. it's the first day back. and i'm already falling behind.
I know this shouldn't have hurt me
I should've already moved on
all of it shouldn't faze me
But it does
And it hurts even more because of that
I'm not giving up. I'm just starting over.
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I love you. I don’t always understand you, but I love you.
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Midnight, I no longer think of you
Midnight, I am no longer in your arms
Midnight, I tell myself I’m leaving
Midnight, I ask why
Midnight, I ask how
How did I get so far
Faraway from my own person
How did I get here
Here alone without guilt
Midnight, was it you
Midnight, was it me
Midnight, is this where I will be
Be in a couple of years
Midnight, take me away
Midnight, is now…
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Wiiiing i watched the first episode of “To your eternity” and im a wreeeeeeck 😭😭😭 i want Osamu to hold me and cry with me ngl!!! Men being vulnerable n expressing emotions??? Sexc as fuck !!! What i wouldnt give for a warm hand stroking my back and kithes on the forehead hhhhh why does anime have to be so sad
i heard that manga rly tugs at your heartstrings so i refuse to read or watch it. osamu would def hold and console you while you’re all teary, and it’d kill him to see you sad even if it’s from something harmless like an anime 🥺
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we may recognise
the rustling of leaves
the shinshin of snowfalls
the burbling of river streams
the pitter-pattering of raindrops,
as all have their own natural sounds
and so have all the living beings
but for us,
the life is obscure
it challenges every moment
with its own sounds
like every part of the body,
entirely different from one another..
the equipments may identify
a ventilator may breathe for us
to save from the enemies,
that enter the body surreptitiously
without our knowledge
to become our masters..
to them no sound matters
but what matters to us
is the sound
that vibrates within
for the self
and for one another..
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