xoxoccarol - Tumblr blog

xoxoccarol · 7 days

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you were good to me you cared for me i ended my nights with your voice on the phone and started my mornings with a text from you

the second i leave i miss you you say the same back but i do not think you will ever feel what my heart feels for you

i never knew two humans in love could fall apart simply because one loves harder and the other could not love stronger

#literature #love #poem #poetry #poets on tumblr #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #thoughts #writers on tumblr #writing #i miss you #breakup #unfair breakup #breakup poem

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xoxoccarol · 14 days

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what if you get better but that better isn’t in time for me what if you’re only better for the next woman that you see

something about taxis lights suddenly on why can we only appreciate someone once they’re fully gone

what if you get better and that makes me feel worse? is that still love then? if jealousy hides next to the lip gloss in my purse

because i’m disappointed you’re not the person i created in my head and i trusted too deeply before i saw where that trust led

so i went back to god said “just let me see what could have been true” i don’t require much please just one more dream of you

and suddenly i wake up guess i fell asleep in your car but we haven’t moved much the road doesn’t go very far

and there’s caution signs everywhere stop lights detour to see at the very end of the scenic road there’s a person

wait, that’s me.

and she opens up the car door blows a kiss to the man inside tells me to get the hell out of my imagination which to me has always lied

and i tell her “but we’ll be stranded there’s no one else who will come” she says ‘stop being so dramatic i promise you he’s not the one’

and i’m dumbfounded on a dirt road “what do you mean? what do you know?” ‘you really think your soulmate would risk letting you go?

‘what if your better is not the best that you could be?

what if him getting better is just a deflective block you chose to see?

because none of this is for you

a hard truth to swallow would you still be proud of your footsteps if all of your future daughters were to follow?

because if you stay with him they won’t even exist the dream life that you’ve been working for of none of this will consist

and you’re so stubborn and set on a rose mixed into cement if your dream man were to hurt you don’t you think he’d at least repent?’

and then she gets into a car that i’m too anxious to drive “when do you grow out of the person you became just to survive?”

and she starts driving so fast i feel nauseated by the speed the roof of the car folds down ‘a day with me that’s what you need’

and her hair flows so freely her smile brightens the sky ‘this is who you could be if you let yourself say goodbye’

but i try to turn back she turns at the corner we pass a sobbing version ‘well, i tried to warn her’

and the laugh she unleashes is so free of worry ‘i’ll go back for her eventually but some lessons even i can’t hurry’

and then in a second without knowing what or how she parks, throws me the keys

‘this is your life now

because what if you got better and the time was right for me what if you were loved for more than just the woman you’ve settled to be’

#breakup poem #literature #love #poem #poetry #poets on tumblr #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #thoughts #writers on tumblr #writing #self love #self care #self wound #self written #self writings #alone #i don’t need you

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xoxoccarol · 28 days

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moderation is not a friend of mine

i have never known nonchalance, never had a taste for lukewarm or half-baked; i like my music roaring and my mornings silent, my goals exceeded and ambiguity exiled, my heart loved or left alone.

in other words, if you are looking to tiptoe on the cusp of connection, if apathy is a part of your plan, i am not for you -

because i would rather be uprooted than planted in middle ground; because i cannot, will not, produce something halfhearted from a heart that loves wholly, or not at all.

forgive me, i can only offer you everything.

#literature #love #poem #poetry #poets on tumblr #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #thoughts #writers on tumblr #writing #full heart #moderation #whole heart #loving fully #whole heartedly

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xoxoccarol · 1 month

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thank you for showing me who you really are before i built my whole life on your land

that way i only had to mourn a garden instead of a forest.

#literature #love #poem #poetry #poets on tumblr #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #thoughts #writers on tumblr #writing #breakup poem #you left #better off alone #mourning

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xoxoccarol · 2 months

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mary jane keep me sane

#literature #love #poem #poetry #poets on tumblr #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #thoughts #writers on tumblr #writing #drawing on books #drawing

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xoxoccarol · 2 months

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why can i only speak poetry when i am sad

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xoxoccarol · 2 months

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falling out of love with you was a revelation. i realised there was nothing magic about you - i loved you and that was your best trait.

#literature #love #poem #poetry #poets on tumblr #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #thoughts #writers on tumblr #writing #falling out of love #i hate you #wrong person

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xoxoccarol · 2 months

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You didn’t give me back all of my things, and this used to make me sad.

You held onto my necklace and rings, some t-shirts and a book.

I used to see these things not just as things, but as missed opportunities.

Missed opportunities to have seen you one last time. Missed opportunities to change your mind.

Missed opportunities to pretend to get closure.

But now I’ve let some time slip by and I don’t see them as missed opportunities anymore.

I don’t see them as things that I no longer have, but as reminders to you of what you no longer have.

And I realise I don’t need these things back anymore because I’m doing just fine without them.

And I realise I don’t need you back anymore because I’m doing just fine without you.

#literature #love #poem #poetry #poets on tumblr #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #thoughts #writers on tumblr #writing #breakup poem #breakup #ex lover #explore #missed opportunity #i miss you #i don’t need you

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xoxoccarol · 2 months

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I had a dream (a nightmare) (a memory) where i swallowed my tongue and screamed with my mouth closed until my body grew a limp.

I angrily ached with hatred for anything that didn’t resemble suffering.

I went to church and drank the wine (and hated church but loved the wine) and confessed to a stranger that all my life was a performance. That I was tired and starving and full of stomach eating fear and searching for something (anything) to convince me to keep breathing.

My hands were claws and I swear I thought more about ripping my own throat than I did crawling my way out of the hole in the middle of my mattress. The one my body molded into night after night, day after day while sinking into the only thing that witnessed my rotting in silent protest.

I am grieving in this dream (this nightmare) (this memory)

I’m *crying and *begging and *praying and it all looks like stumbling and bloody knees and averted eyes. I’m needy without telling you what I need. I’m dying and I’m making you watch.

#literature #love #poem #poetry #poets on tumblr #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #thoughts #writers on tumblr #writing

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xoxoccarol · 2 months

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I had to block your number because the urge to text you wouldn’t go away but if you asked me how i feel about you i would lie we were never that serious anyway while reading old text messages i was contemplating what went wrong

i had to block your number because i liked you all along i had kind of a rude awakening about it learned that i’m not very good at letting go

i had to block your number but your birthday your favourite birthday cake i still know i almost learned how to make it considered how your family could have it too i researched dietary restrictions even though about me they probably never knew

i must have expressed them at some point these emotions that most would find cute but if i was a car ride a karaoke you always had your radio on mute but i was younger then so i believed love had a ceiling can’t give it away too fast at least that’s how i was feeling

but then at the back of the stage somewhere behind the curtain i wished i could go back in time to prevent you from ever hurting to be there in the worst moments to prevent the downwards spiral it’s no surprise really that even the thought of you went viral

because to know you it’s to remember you trust me the opposite i’ve tried i told people how great you are i really should have lied because now it’s all different or just a spark that burned out now you’re just something else that me and my therapist talk about

i look back at that time now, how i how i could have felt that way because i’ve always been so afraid of speaking but about you i easily vocalised only the prettiest words i could say

and they all had your crooked smile they all had your pretty voice i immortalised your energy because you became my first choice

now i’m sitting on a sidewalk contemplating a call to make today is your birthday i accidentally bought your favourite cake eventually i’ll go inside

i’ll cook a warm meal and i’ll throw my heart in a cell so that nobody could ever again steal until the cell has your number and my phone returns to my hand

i had to block your number because my heart your absence it still doesn’t understand

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xoxoccarol · 3 months

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Sometimes i’m sad we only met during summer Never saw me in a puffer jacket, with red cheeks, cold hands Never saw you taking off your scarf, two blankets on the couch And that makes me wonder What if you in winter would of liked me in winter

Enough

#quotes #literature #love #poem #poetry #poets on tumblr #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #thoughts #writers on tumblr #writing #things i wish i said #things i wish i could say #things i wish i could tell you #breakup poem #summer love #am i enough

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xoxoccarol · 3 months

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xoxoccarol · 11 months

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It's my 8 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

#8 year tumblrversary #tumblr milestone

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xoxoccarol · 11 months

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i dont think my love went to waste

i don’t think my love went to waste

you really needed it

i saw it in your sunken eyes

but mostly i saw it when you laughed with your friends

those empty noises, filled with nothingness

but a need to be heard.

you needed my love more than i did at the moment

but now that you have it

cultivate it

make something of it

i won’t ask for it in return.

i pray that you keep it and pass it on

pass it on to someone with sunken eyes

broken laughters

and a tiny flame looking to ignite again.

#literature #love #poem #poetry #poets on tumblr #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #thoughts #writers on tumblr #come back #broken heart #lost love #breakup

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xoxoccarol · 1 year

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i deserved a kinder goodbye.

i wonder if you ever stop and think “damn, i miss her”. sometimes, i ponder if i ever cross your mind, and if your heart feels a little lonelier. i wonder if i’m the only one hurting, the only one who feels like a part of me is missing, and i’ll never find it anywhere else but with you. the feeling of missing you breaks me more than it should. some nights feel like i won’t make it through them, and some days feel like i’m living through an endless nightmare. the truth is, i miss you, and as much as i hate admitting it, every day won’t be the same without you.

there are days when i feel like i can conquer all my fears, and then suddenly, it hits me hard that you’re no longer there, and my heart feels heavy with sadness. to be honest, i don’t know what the future holds, i don’t know if there is a place for you in my life again. but whatever it takes. i don’t want to go through the same hell again. as much as every fibre of my being aches for you, i don’t want to come home to someone who doesn’t have the heart to love me fully. i deserve to be celebrated on my happy days and loved when the sad days hit me. i deserve to be cherished when i’m like a full moon and cared for when my heart is empty.

i know i was always enough, and so did you.

#literature #love #poem #poetry #poets on tumblr #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #thoughts #writers on tumblr #come back #i am enough #sad goodbye #breakup #unfair breakup #hurt #pain #breakup poem #i deserve more

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xoxoccarol · 1 year

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hey, it’s me.

you probably don’t want to hear from me, but this is the last time, i promise.

just hear me out, okay? you and me, one last time down memory lane.

i’m sorry about how everything turned out, how we can’t even keep a text conversation past “how are you” and “good”. how everything seems to be tainted by some ulterior motive, and everything feels like heartbreak.

but i don’t regret any of the time i spent with you, and i hope you don’t regret it either.

i hope you know that even though we can’t look at each other, i’m still here for you. if you call, i’ll be on the other end of the phone. always.

i care deeply about you, which is why this is the last time i’m calling.

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xoxoccarol · 2 years

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wherever my life takes me,

wherever i end up,

i know that it is where

i am meant to be, and for me

that will always be enough

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