#the way all our lives went to suicidal shit when he came up here while we tried to accommodate his everything

[thementalshawty]

My New Beginning (My way out)

(Mentions of disabilities, mental, emotional, physical abuse, S*x abuse, bullying, self harm, suicidal ideation, Domestic violence, be wary before reading).

So where to begin……. This is about familial abuse, so this has been something happening my whole life!!! My “mother” is a narcissist. She bullied me and my sister our whole lives, I am the third of 5 kids, she would pit us against each other and watch us fight to laugh and make fun, most of my insecurities stem from her clowning me in front of my brothers, funny enough she is NEVER ALONE, my father he abused us including her but he left and I thought we were better off for it, I wasn’t wrong but little did I know the monsters she’d allow into our lives after, I was getting molested by older brother and my mothers boyfriend before I even got to elementary school, my brother started when I was insanely young, and I still protected him as I didn’t know what tf was happening, her boyfriend started when I was in 4th grade, he wasn’t a drunk or anything just a pedophile, she knew he was because he got caught cheating on her with teenage girls and yet she still kept him around for a decade so wherever we moved he was there and I started to become angry, rage grew inside my soul like a fire that had no intention of burning out, on top of that he was abusive hitting and bruising me and my siblings who all have disabilities, you know my sister as she’s a tarot reader on here so I’m not going into specifics about them, but she would sit and watch and do nothing, she would hide food with him, have us stand in the corner for hours on end while they are food in front of our faces “mmmm that’s good”. She even forced to drink her breast milk in front of him, she despised us having friends, soo when I would have a friend she wouldn’t let me see them or go out or we would move, I’ve never stayed more than 2-3 years in any place my whole entire fuccin life! I don’t know anything but toxicity when it came to relationships, I tried to kill myself multiple times but they failed so I decided to be a burner, I just burned myself, the fire it was the rage inside me felt outside, I decided to tell my mother about the molester from her boyfriend when I was 15, because I told someone in school he told me I had to tell her or he would so I wrote her a letter, he had a gun in the house and put it to his head and said he was going to kill himself (gaslighting), she kicked him out for a day, brought him back then told me that I had to share her with him, so at 15 and with her knowledge of him molesting me, we all moved to California, we drove there, and that was awful, we all fought and he screams how he didn’t care about what he did to me and he was laughing in front of her, i ended up just sweeping that under the rug because i went to focus on my career I had acting classes so my mind was focused but I met a guy from school and he automatically hated him (the boyfriend) he told my mother and automatically I was told to stay away from him, I didn’t I had got arrested the year before so I had community service and he was helping me with that, I told him what happened I thought we were meant to be but he cheated on me with his sister and I found myself in her another Jerry springer bind but I found that out months after we broke up, but he stood up for me and he was the only one on the outside that actually came and defended my honor as sick as he is I will give him credit for that. A year later we’re moving bacc to NYC, before we did though, they got Into a fight (my mother and the boyfriend), pretending to break up, he went to the gas station filled a gas canister wit gas came back to the front door and poured gasoline on himself, obviously not lighting himself on fire because it was an act, he went to jail a week or two later she invited him back into her life, I already knew that it was going to happen because the shit was predictable at that point, Skipping ahead to 17, we moved back to NYC, we came separately, I came on a plane with my mother and the rest of my siblings drove back with him, because obviously she trusted him with children why wouldn’t she? She already knew what he was capable of, she didn’t care 🤷🏽‍♀️, when we got back to NyC she

Promises me that he’s not coming back into our lives that it’s over this time, I told her he’s going to gaslight her she says not gonna work, fast forward to when they all made it to the apartment, she approached me with the sob story I said he would come in with so she said she is letting him stay, I was going to just walk away, but my sister told me that she fought with him on the drive here, she stood up for me, he yelled at my older brothers and her that he did What he did to me cos he truly wanted to and he’s unapologetic for it, the flame it was uncontrollable and I blacked out I went into the room and I kicked him out myself. He yelled bullshit but he left, she hated me for that, so she started to sneak him in secretly then they started hiding food again, leaving us to literally shake, starve and feel sick, we learned how to improvise with what little we had. I was going to school so I didn’t care, speaking of school I was supposed to be on my last year of school, and I couldn’t graduate because my principal explained because I moved so much my credits were all over the place, so she told me I had to repeat a year that was devasting to me because in California I only had a few credits before I could graduate, I got two jobs because I just wanted to save up money to leave, she told my grandma lies oh she has a whole bunch of recruits that she tells constant lies too about us and what we do never the truth because they already feel she’s sick but they do nothing about it, family tho right? My grandma called me and so again we told her the truth and she helped us kick him out for good, (so that’s the end of boyfriend 1…. For now) I was finally 18!! So again I have no friendships nothing ever stuck, but I had two jobs and I was saving up for an apartment, I shouldn’t have done this but I was so proud of myself! I told her (my mother) that I was going to move out, get my own apartment and live on my own, she didn’t like that, she was saying that it was disloyal and what was she going to do without me and she needed help because most of my siblings have a disability, so I stayed, I couldn’t be disloyal when she needed me, that was a big mistake. A year later we are moving BACC to California because she has found A NEW BOYFRIEND, some guy she met over the phone, guess who helped her move back to California though (boyfriend #1), my brother who molested me left to go into the army, don’t worry he’s not in it any longer dishonorable discharge (it was fitting). So anyways the new boyfriend was some white guy who I felt meant no harm the fuccin dude was quiet and softspoken so I paid it no mind, but I was wrong, he was a drunk, not only was a he a drunk, he was a RACIST DRUNK! Did she care???? NOOOOOOO! Everytime I tried to leave she stopped me, til we fought then she would say to leave knowing I had nowhere to go, if I had a friend to go too she would hate that friend, funny thing is most friends that want to take me away from this be friends she introduced me too, she wanted to be friends with them but they wanted to be my friend yes they are younger people, I don’t have those friends anymore because they were very similar to her go figure right ? I thought I should call the cops, call for help, but everyone I reached out too did nothing INCLUDING COPS! So I felt backed into a corner, well I had my sister my little sister my rock, funny fun fact though, her new boyfriend ALSO LIKES LITTLE GIRLS oh and BOYS! He got arrested and she stood up for him, while he was doing that in her home, she would run away and leave us all my siblings in the house with him drunk calling us the N word, kicking doors down and causing mess, I couldn’t leave my siblings who couldn’t understand what was happening behind all I knew is that they were scared and their mother wasn’t there all she did was make excuses for him she told me I should kill myself, that I was a cunt that didn’t deserve her name, ( I don’t have it, I have my dads last name), that I was going to be nothing more than a whore, by this time………………

She knows about what my brother did to me I didn’t mention that confession because she just skipped right over it. She literally didn’t care and she told me to my face she believed he was only playing with me and I am confusing it all and that I know nothing about it because it happened to her and she the only one who knows pain and my pain doesn’t matter she tried to assault me and again tried to tell family but she already took the narrative so they weren’t trying to hear me out or help, in august of this year, me and my sister left, we went to stay in a motel for a week or two, with the help of my booking agent we didn’t have enough money to stay and the homeless shelters were all full and we’re not answering back, so we had no choice but to go back, we are back and nothing even a week later back to the drunk racist, not eating, starving routine, I wanted to die and I felt like a failure! I couldn’t even get out of bed I felt like I deserved this I got my sister out to end up right back 2 WEEKS LATER?!?!! I fuccin hated myself! He was drunk and again causing ruckus, she came back a morning later and was telling him to leave, he was going to hit her, my brother (diagnosed with MR) was out there with my younger brother (autism) and they were scared and standing up for her and the boyfriend was in their faces what was I supposed to do???? Me and my sister tried to help and she tried to tell us to leave for helping her!!!!! Me and my sister decided to just call the police, they started to fight, and he tried to kill her, the police got him out, and they told her that she was lucky to have her kids here, we cleaned up her room after he broke her whole house apart, I mean EVERYTHING IS TORN APART RN!!!! she decided that she was going to move down to Texas with the molesting brother because he has kids, (oh yeah other fun fact she kept forcing me to have kids she even wanted me to give her my eggs so she can have kids with both of those boyfriends she approached me TWICE ABOUT IT, one she wanted my eggs and the other she wanted me to be pregnant for her!) So now my brother has kids she was like saying she knows I’ll never have kids and I’ll be forever alone, that no one will ever love me, anyways skipping to now my birthday came and left I’m 27 now! The housing program that me and my sister signed up for began to pend and we found a place! We didn’t tell her we found a place and that we were in a program we didn’t even tell her that we went down the city. We ended up getting a random woman come into the house and serve us she was evicting us (my mother) even on the eviction notice it says no fault just cause, she didn’t even tell me, so we have 60 days to leave and vacate her premises! Funny enough yesterday my sister got her APPROVAL NOTICE!!! Mine is still pending but I know that I’m getting approved and if all goes well we will be in our transitional home on SATURDAY! We finally did it, dug our way out, I didn’t think that I could and that I would, I would’ve been opened up to someone if I didn’t believe that it was against the family or that no one would love me like she did, she painted the world as such a unloving place and that this toxicity was normal and for the longest I believed it, but I am waking up now! And I am looking forward to beginning my life AWAY FROM HER! Just me and my rock @silvershiningtarot I AM NOT ASHAMED OF MY STORY, I’m only ashamed I kept quiet for so long, I allowed them to get away with everything and they took control of the narrative but I’m taking my power back! This is the first chapter of my success story! I’m not looking for claps or sympathy or for yky to actually care or anything I just wanted to put my story out there because this shit shouldn’t be in the dark anymore, mothers can be demons, family can be a dark and scary word for people and they’re not family, only relation! And I wanted to make that clear! RELATION DOESN’T MEAN FAMILY

I feel more familial love from you guys on here than I ever did anywhere! My music gave me hope and tarot gave me community

You deserve to know your reader through and through!

Thank you!!! For listening and taking the time for hearing this sad ass story, I hope I didn’t drag your day down! 💋

#my success story #successmindset #new chapter #new beginnings #tarot reading #tarot #tarot community #tarotblr #psychic #opening up #peek inside #vulnerability #personal rant #rant post #emotional rant #narcissistic abuse #abuse survivor #abuse survivors #normalize this #raw truth #my truth #child abuse #tarot saved me #music saved my life #healing

[kleoyeager78]

10 things I hate about you | 13

Trigger warning: this chapter contains very dark content such as abuse, rape, suicide attempt, drug use/ being addicted to drugs and mentions of being suicidal. None of this is in graphic detail but still I know it can be triggering so read at your own risk!

The week had flown by fairly quickly and it was now Thursday.

It's been stressful in my house ever since I came back from Annie's. My dad yelled at me for not coming home claiming he was worried which couldn't be far from the truth, my step mom had come back from her girls trip with her friends and wouldn't stop bitching at me to do every little thing, Violet had been out with her friends so I had to do all the chores by myself, not like she helped anyways, and Angie still wasn't talking to me and actually seemed to be mad at me.

Over the last couple of days she would send me dirty looks, make messes knowing my step mom would make me clean them and I also heard her talking shit about me on the phone with her friends. I was truly hurt. I tried to talk to her but she would just walk away.

Nevertheless I couldn't just spend all my time worrying about my home life, I had shit to do. I had to take my mom to rehab Friday morning, I had to work with Eren on our project Friday and I also had plans to hang out with Furlan, he texted me about some party he wanted to go to and I said yes. 

I had a lot on my plate so hanging out with Furlan wasn't a bad idea at all.

It was about nine pm and I decided it was time to go to bed so I had energy for tomorrow. I knew I would need it dealing with my mom and Eren.

-

I got up bright and early, got ready then headed to my mom's apartment. My mom and dad lived very close so I decided to walk.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. I hadn't seen my mom in a very long time. The last time I saw her was when I gave her keys to her car back when she got out of rehab the last time. And I literally just handed her keys to her and left without saying anything.

The only reason I'm even doing this is because she told me she wanted to get help again.

I knocked on her door and it took her a while to answer. But when she did she was in nothing but a robe.

"Hi, just give me one second," she said, sending me a big smile and heading back to her room.  

I sat on her couch awkwardly and just waited for her to get done.

She got done and came into the living room. "How do I look?" She asked me.

She was just dressed in plain clothing, no make up on anything, "good considering this is rehab"

"Great, let's go!" She said handing me the car keys.

"Alright" I got up and headed to the door.

"Y/n actually do you have a minute?" My mom stopped me.

"No, I don't" I said in a very uninterested tone.

"Please" she grabbed my arm which i pulled away. "It'll be quick I just need a moment with you"

"Okay." I said giving in.

She went back to sit on the couch and I followed her.

"I uh. I just wanted to say I'm uh-" I could tell she was finding it hard to form a sentence and I really didn't have time for this.

"You're what? Can you get it out already?"

"You're right." She took a breath. "I wanted to say I'm sorry about our last encounter." She got too embarrassed to look at me so her eyes were facing the floor.

"Okay" I said getting off the couch getting ready to just walk away but she grabbed me.

"I mean it, I truly am sorry for the things I said."

"I said okay didn't I? What do you want from me? You want me to say I forgive you? Because I don't."

"No I just-"

"Save it, I don't need your excuses in my life."

"Y/n-"

"Let's just go ma"

My mom just stopped trying and got in the car. There was an awkward silence the whole way there.

"Were here" I said.

My mom unbuckled her seatbelt and I thought she was about to get out of the car but instead she reached over and hugged me.

I was shocked and didn't hug her back but tears began to form in my eyes as I heard her sniffling. "I'm so sorry," she whispered.

"M-" my voice cracked. "Mom"

"I'm sorry y/n I really am. I'm sorry for all the nasty things I said to you. I'm sorry that I wasn't much of a good mom and I'm sorry that I'm still not much of a good one"

I didn't know what to say. I was honestly shocked and kinda just frozen in place. My mom didn't let go of me and to be honest I really wanted her to. I just wanted the morning to be over already, I already had a stressful day and I didn't need to add more to it.

I pulled away from her and she noticed I was uncomfortable so she pulled away too.

"Mom I want to accept your apology but you've done nothing to show me you mean them. There's been countless times where you've failed me and I don't understand how you expect me to move past that."

"I have y/n I have shown you I mean them." My mom looked at me with teary eyes and grabbed my hand.

I snatched my hand away, "Really? What have you done to show me?" I was getting angry and you could hear it in my tone.

"I'm getting better for you baby" she said rubbing my thigh which I also had to move away from her.

"Do you know how many times you've said that to me and look where we are?" I said pointing at the rehab building.

"I know but it takes time"

"Oh I know that but I didn't think you needed a whole seventeen years mom"

She put her head down in shame and I just scoffed. It's just like her to play the victim in my life that she and my father destroyed. "So what else have you done to show me you mean your apologies? I really want to know mom, what have you done?"

"Well I left Nick. I kicked him out and cut all contact." She said with a gleam of hope in her eyes that I would give her some type of praise or reward for doing the bare minimum.

But I just laughed. "Oh wow mom you cut off one of my abusers and then left me with the other one for my whole entire life." I had to stop myself from laughing because I was cracking up inside. "You are such a good mom" I said sarcastically, sending her a smile.

She had her head down with a look of shame. I could tell she was extremely hurt but I didn't have it in me to stop. "Say mom what did you do when I told you what dad did to me?"

She sat there looking at me with sad eyes, "I-" I cut her off before she could start.

"No, actually I'll tell you. You hung up the phone and the next day I went to your apartment and it was littered with drugs and you were passed out. And do you know what else is crazy about that? You not only traumatized me for life that day but that was also the day you came back home from rehab." I sighed. "And you don't even have a good reason for doing this. Do you not know how guilty I felt that day? I was waiting in the emergency room crying because I was the reason you were there in the first place." I could feel my eyes getting watery.

"I was nothing but a little girl. I didn't deserve that mom and you know that."

My mom began to break down worse and I started to feel bad. "I'm so sorry y/n I remember that day too and I feel like absolute shit for doing that to you. You deserve so much better than me." She said, At this point she was violently shaking and crying. It looked like she was about to throw up so I didn't say anything else and just let the conversation calm down.

After a few minutes of silence I decided to ask my final question. "Can I ask you something?" I looked over to her and she looked at me with puffy eyes but shook her head letting me know I could. "Why did you do that? Why did you overdose that day I told you about what happened to me?" I said in a calm voice to let her know I was no longer angry, just curious.

"it um-" she coughed a little to clear her throat. "It just reminded me of bad times and I needed something to take my mind off of it" she said staring out of the window not wanting to look me in the eyes.

"What? Mom, were you-" she cut me off.

"Yes," she sighed. "I don't talk about my past much, but when I was young, I lived with my grandmother and grandfather. My mom cheated on her husband and ended up getting pregnant with me. The only way she could save her relationship was to leave me behind with them. And my dad already had another family before I was even born, and he wasn't going to ruin that for me either." Midway through her explanation, she started breaking down. "I'm sorry, it's just that..."

I cut her off because I noticed it was getting hard for her to speak. "It's okay, Mom. You don't have to explain if you're not comfortable."

"No, it's fine. It's just that I haven't thought about it in a while, so it's a bit difficult to speak on." She took a deep breath and then continued speaking. "My grandpa died when I was twelve, and two years after that, my grandma died. My mom finally decided to come and take me in so I could stay with her, her husband, and their two daughters. Both of them were younger than me and basically treated me like their mother because my mom was almost never around." My mom chuckled, looking out of the car window.

"What's so funny?" I asked.

"It's just that after all those years living with my grandparents, I thought I was missing out on having a mother, but in reality, she wasn't even there for the kids she was with," she sighed. "Going back to the story, I ended up having to take care of them because my mom was never around, and their dad was always at work. My mother and her husband were also alcoholics, so when they were home, I would try to keep the kids away from them as much as possible because they would always be drunk."

"During the entire time I stayed there, my mom would physically hurt me. She would throw empty glass bottles at me, plates, and anything else within reach. She would tell me I was the reason she suffered and that she never wanted me. One day, my stepdad walked in on this and rushed to comfort me. It was the first time I felt like I had someone to lean on for support. After that, he started paying more attention to me. He would buy me things, tell me he was there for me if I needed him, and even defend me against my mom. I started to trust him with everything. He was like my best friend in a way."

"But one day, he came home drunk again, and I was yelling at him because he had promised to quit. He smiled and kissed me. I tried to push him away, but it was no use. That day, he made me feel absolutely disgusting. After he was done, he passed out on the couch, and although I didn't want to be near him, I had to zip his pants back up because I didn't want the kids to see anything."

"That night, I told my mom about what had happened, and the only thing that came out of her mouth were insults towards me. She told me I had seduced him and that I had stolen her husband from her. She left for two days, leaving me alone with him. He tried to talk to me like nothing had happened, but I couldn't pretend. I started crying every time. The girls I cared for would come to check on me every day. They would ask if I was alright, but I couldn't tell them anything."

"I remember he came to my room and asked me what he had done wrong, and I finally told him. He said he was sorry and didn't remember, but he'd never do it again. I forgave him, but I wish I hadn't because he lied to me. A week later, he would come home every day and do it again. I forgave him each time because he said he was drunk and didn't remember, or sometimes he would say he thought I was mom, but I knew he was lying because I would hear him arguing with her before he came and did that to me."

"Around that time, I met a guy. I wasn't into him or anything, but he always gave me drugs. He told me they would make me feel better, and they did. So I followed him around like a lost puppy. It got so bad that I couldn't live without them. If I was without them for a second, I felt disgusted with myself, and my thoughts would start going crazy, telling me I deserved everything I went through and didn't deserve to live."

"I was seventeen when I decided I couldn't do it anymore. I tried to end it all, but I wasn't successful. My neighbor ended up coming to check on me because I wasn't answering anyone's phone calls. He found me unresponsive and called for help," she sighed. "Now do you understand why I hung up the phone, y/n? I'm not good at comforting people because I've never had comfort. Even when I lived with my grandparents there was no comfort, only work. The only comfort I've ever had in my life was drugs so that day you told me what happened to you I turned to them. I'm sorry but I'm afraid I'm no better than the mom I had myself" she looked at me and frowned. "I'm not a good mother y/n and I'll never be able to do anything good for you. Even if I try to get help I'll fail every time. The only reason I come to this place is to stop me from killing myself. The only advice I can give you is to never be like me in life y/n, anything is better than me." With that she reached in the back, grabbed her bag and was about to leave but I locked the doors.

I reached over and gave her the biggest hug. I felt like utter shit for the things I said to her. She might not have been the best mom, and her actions most definitely can't be excused, but no one deserves what she went through, not even her.

"I'm so sorry, Mom," I cried. "I'm so sorry."

"Please don't be. This has nothing to do with you and also doesn't excuse how horrible of a mom I am to you," she hugged me back with one hand and took the other and played in my hair. "I love you, Y/N."

"I love you too, Mom."

We stayed like that for a few minutes, crying in each other's arms until my mom let me know she had to go, and I had to let go. We said our goodbyes, and she got out of the car.

Instead of pulling off right away, though, I decided to put my head down and think. I thought about what my mom said.

"Never be like me in life, Y/N," her voice repeated in my head. I sighed, lifting my head up and putting the car in reverse.

"Oh, Mom, I already am."

A/n ~ sorry for not updating. I've been so busy and testing is coming up so I don't have a lot of time on my hand but still I love y'all and will try to update more | Also, I finished this chapter a few days ago but I'm just now releasing it sorry but HAPPY BIRTHDAY CONNIE SPRINGER!!!

#aot fanfiction #aot x reader #aot x y/n #attack on titan #attack on titan fic #annie leonhart #armin arlert #eren jaeger #eren x reader #reiner braun

[prnanxiety]

3/8/24

There is this thing so many young guys do. I say this as someone who was once a young guy (and still is god dammit!), who sees it pretty regularly now. Young guys are so convinced that if they show pain, fear, misery, et cetera, that it's the most shameful thing they can do. It's the same as being weak, and if you're that way it means you're pathetic. So these guys are raised all their lives being told "don't cry, don't be scared," etc. Their only safe outlet for any strong emotion is anger.

It gets to a point where you can ask them, at least, outside the hospital, "how are you?" and they'll say "I'm fine," with a perfectly rehearsed straight face, that is really just this bandaid for all this suffering they can't share.

But that's not really all of it. Not when they're here, actually. We also get patients here for, you know, out of control emotional problems. That is, something horrible happens outside the hospital, and they want to kill themselves, or someone else, or both. We bring them here, involuntarily, and they want to leave. They ask about discharge, we give the same general answer, "it's based on prognosis, we want to know you're doing fine and you're going to be safe when you leave." Some patients will just immediately start reverting to that "I have to bottle it all in" behavior they've learned.

Guy on my unit today. 19 y/o on my unit, young guy. Thick bulgarian accent, barely speaks english. He's in here for homicidal/suicidal ideation. Story goes he went home and found his best friend in bed with his girlfriend.

While he was in the ED he had some violent behaviors, which necessitated the security team intervening. He also had a fork he took from a tray, which he broke in half? God, I hope it was plastic and not metal. This 19 year old was just fuckin jacked. Absolutely looked like he could take on any of the guards if he wanted to. Anytime we have someone stealing silverware like that, we treat it like the intent is to make a weapon out of it. So he's on a 1:1 sitter observation with me.

I ended up spending a lot of time with him today. We had to communicate with a digital translator, thank god hospitals provide us with those little pads on wheels for easy translator access. He told me this morning he's still got that HI. When I asked about SI, he said "I feel like shit," refused to elaborate any further. We talked for a while about medication and anxiety management, in the effort to get him to open up to me about what he's going through. But that's so hard to do when you've got the language barrier. It really forces you to boil down everything you say or do into a kind of thesis statement, that you ask someone to translate. All the ways in which a nurse learns to casually show, as well as tell, "I am here to help you," you end up bluntly saying face to face while you wait for the translator to translate.

After lunch came, he stole a fork off the food cart; our sitter caught him immediately and alerted us to it right away. The security guard and I had to go ask him to give it back. He tried in english to say a few times "don't worry about it," but gave up after we didn't leave him alone for a minute.

Half an hour later he punched the nurse's station window, which of course got all our attention. Most patients that would be an automatic sedative injection for the escalating behavior, but I grabbed the translator first.

See, this guy was increasingly anxious and agitated, but he wasn't actually directing any of this at staff. I hadn't noticed one single time of him staring, or posturing, or raising his voice. He punched the window, but he wasn't even looking at anyone when he did it. And when I asked him "will you please come back to your room with me so we can talk," he did so peacefully.

Just told me via the translator, "being in the hospital is bad for me, I want to leave." He was rocking back and forth now, sitting on the edge of his bed. And his face was doing that thing young guys' faces do when they're in this situation. Alternating between deadpan straight face "I'm fine" and that miserable, distressed, "No I'm absolutely not fine holy fuck I'm not gonna make it" face. And I had to give that awkward translation to tell him "I don't want you to go anywhere or make any decisions right now, with what's going on with you. You need to be here right now." Messages delivered via translator like that forcibly remove all nuance and disturb any ability to elaborate. Poor guy just kept asking to leave.

I came back and gave him a haldol injection in his shoulder. He actually gave a near perfect english "Damn, Bro!" When the needle went in his shoulder, and I couldn't help but chuckle a bit. He totally does speak a little english, it's just simple stuff like asking for orange juice.

He took a haldol nap. Two hours later he was pacing in the halls again, just increasingly agitated and anxious. Which sucked, I was really hoping the haldol would do it. It was pretty soon to do anything strong again after all, so I came back with some simple atarax. And I found him pacing in the hall.

And now his face is worse. It's more like he's just in that stressful trying and failing not to cry but still crying, face. You know what I did? I just offered him a hug.

And he went for it. We hugged for about sixty seconds. He was maybe four inches taller than me even with my running shoes on, and I still felt him holding onto me gently, crying into my shoulder. I tried my best to say Soojoovayum (google says the word is sazhalyavam, please forgive me I only picked it up on the fly) once or twice.

Because damn! The guy was living his life out there somewhere and he came home and his best friend and his girlfriend were in bed together! By this point I'd checked his chart history, and there's no recorded prior hospital stays! This guy looked too healthy and put together to be someone chronically malnourished, someone beat the hell up by life and treated like trash and having been to a psych unit before. I'd like to see more records, but honestly? This was probably a legit story! And the guy wasn't taking it out on staff! He didn't want to hurt any of us, he just wanted to kill his ex best friend and them himself. And we were here to stop him. It's not worth it.

The thing is, the hug and the atarax didn't work like I hoped it would. He was still clearly approaching panic. So I got the doctor's permission for an IM ativan, and it was granted over the phone.

In any case, I came back to the patient with the translator, my computer and the syringe. Patient was visibly at high level anxiety and desperately needed our intervention. I was getting my gloves on and having the translator explain the injection to the patient. That was when the patient snatched my syringe.

I am so, so thankful security recognized the concerning behavior and was already present before this happened. The guy had the needle off and was holding it at his own neck when me and the officer had to grab his arms on either side, CPI hold. Me and the officer together were holding this guy's arm when the officer managed to convince him to relinquish the needle. I only remember telling the officer "it's still sharp! activate the device! activate it! its still sharp!" Before another nurse thankfully just came by and took the syringe from him safely.

By this point a code was called. From here, the translator was helpful in... Actually, I wonder what the translator was thinking while we were shouting and grabbing the patient? I told him up front "hey sir this patient is starting to panic, it might get antsy in here" or something. But once the code was called, the doctors were on their way and the other nurses were getting the syringe for me, so all I had to do was sit with the patient and talk with him and security.

I thanked him for cooperating. At least, I think I did. I remember in the moment just seeing him finally fucking miserable. All over his face. Not ugly sobbing, but not hiding it anymore. He said in english to me, "I love you, bro." Oh, this poor guy. This is the kind of pain someone remembers for life. I just remember trying to reassure him. Someone else would have to tell me what I said, or show me the transcript from the translator, if they keep one.

Once the syringe was available, this time with orders direct from the doctors who were now on the scene; a full 5/2 injection. He was completely calm, he was reserved, he pulled up his sleeve and sat peacefully and let me do what I was going to do.

We talked a little bit more, he went back to his room, and the haldol/ativan knocked him out cold. He was down for 3 hours. Woke up, ate a late dinner, peed, went straight back to sleep. That was how my shift ended with him.

That guy absolutely had multiple attempts to hurt me. He could have taken a lot of guys I work with in a fight, and he could have ended my career early. Just having that ativan syringe could have put me in the ED, if only for monitoring. He never did it. He only wanted to do something about all his turmoil. Ugh. So many guys in my patient population just need a fucking hug.

Oh, also. Akira Toriyama fucking died! One the other patients on my unit was a DBZ fan! I had to break the news to him this morning! Damn!

#dear diary #diary entry #nursing #psych #psychiatry #psychosis #nurse #schizophrenia #cw: drugs #cw: addiction #akira toriyama

[musingsinmountains]

Hold The Line Chapter 1

Synopsis: If you would have guessed, you peaked in middle school. It was when you were at your happiest and your best friend in the universe, Kazutora Hanemiya, was deeply involved in your life. And one day, he disappeared. Life went on, but he was gone. Part of your soul died without him. Just as easily as your life as you knew it ended, fate had plans this weekend for you and your estranged middle school bestie. 

C/W: Some OOC, depression, talk of suicide,  violence, talk of blood, sexual tension, profanity, f!reader, nicknames, (future) smut, suggestive themes, fluff, angst

Pairings: Kazutora x afab!reader

Next

Chapter 1: Reunited and It Hurts So Bad.

Thank god it was the weekend. You have two days off and boy do you need it. It's not like you don't like your job, it's great but dealing with people really destroys the soul. Luckily, today you were able to leave a little early. So that’s a plus. It wouldn’t be darker than all get out on your walk home. Which means you could make a pit stop. 

The one place you find solace on these draining days is at the convenience store on your way home. There is a whole different feeling to losing yourself in bags of chips or searching for meaning in the alcohol cooler. Something about the candy aisle really gave you pangs of nostalgia. The bag of fruit jelly snacks reminded you of your middle school days and the long nights with one of your really close friends when the day was difficult. Oh Tora-kun, I wonder where you are. A soft smile curls on your lips at the thought, you grab a bag, and move to grab a bag of onion ring snacks, the last thing you need for your relaxing rations, on the other side of the aisle. 

Fate was  looking to set you up for something. You were deep in thought of your estranged friend. So deep in thought, you were blind to the world. As you reach for the last bag, you end up grabbing a man's hand. “Oh my god,” you squeak, “I am so sorry. Please take it”. Your face is flushed. 

“Momo, is… is  that you?” the man asks. His voice pings something in your brain, only one person called you that because of how much you love peaches. Only one person ever called you that instead of your given name.

“T-t-tora?” you slowly look over at him, your eyes growing wide and starting to tear. “Is that really you?” When your gaze was fully on him, you dropped your basket. It had been AGES since you saw him last. His hair was longer now, still sporting his blonde streaks. Those same shimmering sand eyes with the most adorable beauty mark. The dam broke and you cried, “ Fucking shit, I thought you were dead”.

“Nah, I can't be taken out that easy,” he said, pulling you into a tight hug. “I can’t really talk about it here. Wanna go grab a drink?” He holds you close, giving you a gentle squeeze. Only letting go because a mother and her child came down the aisle. Kazutora helped you pick up the dropped basket of snacks. 

“Hmmm,” you muse, “Well, I was just gonna go home and watch a movie….” And then it donned on you. “Why don’t we have one of our bestie nights? Remember, like we did in middle school?”. When you both had a hard day in middle school, it was time for bestie cuddles, ice cream, and your favorite show/movie to rewatch. Your mom didn't give a shit that the two of you had sleepovers, even if it was a school night. That alcoholic was convinced the pretty young man was just a tomboy you befriended and welcomed him all the time. Kazutora loved being welcomed in the quiet, albeit broken, home.

The two of you had done this for years, but it had to be put on hold briefly as fate had pulled each of you in different directions after you transitioned to high school. So running into him while you were getting groceries was a godsend. “Sounds good to me. How’s my place sound okay?” he smiled that smile that would always melt the ice you used to feel in your veins. 

“I live on the next block, mind if we stop so I can get a change of clothes and a blanket?” You ask, setting your basket on the counter. He nods and gets his things. The two of you grab your purchases, put them in the saddle bags of his bike, and set off to your apartment. He kicks the bike in the neutral and walks alongside you. 

“Welcome to my place,” you say looking up at the front of the building. The only perk to this building was that you lived on the first floor and didn’t normally have to trudge up any stairs. 

“Cute,” Kazutora smiled and followed you in. There were plants (obviously fake), books, and nail supplies all over the place. “This feels very you, very cozy. Very Momo,” he was enamored by your movie shelf. He looked around, picking up random manga, flipping through the pages and stacking the ones he looks at on your coffee table. She really hasn't changed much, he thought to himself.

“I shouldn't be too long. Make yourself at home,” you shout as you dive into your room to make a quick costume change from work clothes to street clothes. "I've got my pajamas and blanket. Do I need anything else?" You call out to Kazutora. To say you were excited would be putting it mildly. You packed your backpack real quick like. Almost like your life depended on it.

"Did you remember your brush?" He said, now poking around in your fridge for a quick drink.  He closes the door quickly, causing the condiments to rattle. No luck on the drink front. "We can stop and get drinks at the store by my place".

"I have my brush in my bag, so I think I'm set", there was a soft happiness in your voice. All set up for a sleepover. You were shaking from a mix of excitement and nerves.

Your apartment door quickly closed and locked. Before you knew it, you were waiting to get on the back of his bike and on your way to his place. "I can't wait for you to see it," he gushed, "and I think my roommates will be super stoked to meet you again." He placed his helmet on your head and clicked it into place, “Gotta keep you safe Momo”. He got on first, looking over his shoulder at you with that soft, sweet smile. “Hang on tight,” Kazutora adjusted your arms for a snug hug, “We’re gonna go fast”. 

As you rode to his place, Kazutora made sure to point out all sorts of things to you.  Specifically, the pet store where he worked. "I love it there," he said lovingly. "It's so much fun, especially working with my bros".

"Aww," you coo. "I'm so happy for you." You held on tighter, resting your head on his back. You could feel his heartbeat get faster. Kazutora chucked and twisted the throttle. Wind rushed around you as he picked up speed. Before you knew it, you guys were parked at his place, and crossing the street to grab a couple drinks. Then just as fast, he was helping you up the stairs.

"YOOOO," he squeals as the two of you walk on the door. There were his roommates, lounging in the living room, chill music coming from the TV. You were pretty sure you recognized them from high school, but your memory was fuzzy.

"Shit," one of them said in a cool familiar tone, "Tora brought a girl home." In the background, you hear the soft meowing of a cat. You could see two heads, one dark and sleek, one light and fluffy. 

"Not just any girl," Kazutora beamed, "’Member Momo?" He pushed you further into their home as he went to set down the bag of food in the kitchen. You were speechless as your eyes focused on Chifuyu and Baji. They knew you more from school than from being close with Kazutora. 

"We were real close in middle school," Kazutora continued, "we lost touch after... You know,” his eyes darted down to his feet. “I just ran into her today and we decided to reconnect like we did back then". His smile was the sweetest, especially when combined with a soft blush that caressed his cheeks. “She’ll be staying here with me tonight.”

"Oh yeah," smirked Chifuyu as he sat a cat down on the couch, "I remember you. Always had your earbuds in and your nose in a book. At least when we weren't supposed to be payin’ attention." He came up and gave you a side hug, seeing your face triggered his memory more. "Baji, didn't you sit by her during homeroom?"

"Yeah," you chime in, "he scowled at me often for sitting on his desk when you and I would talk manga in the mornings". You distinctly remember laying on his desk one day and him being all sorts of upset about it. Could have been partially because there was a test that day and he wanted to review. Or because the way you were laying, your face was crotch level, making him blush.

"Oh I remember," Baji said from across the living room. He got up and walked toward you. His long black hair falling ever so softly across his eyes. He finger combs it back before touching your shoulder. "Desks ain't for asses," he said with a smirk, "they're for learnin'". His dark eyes lock with yours. You can feel your heart skip a beat.

"I can't argue with that logic," you smile at him, "my apologies for my behavior back then." You drop your head, as if to beg for forgiveness. It also hides how flushed your face became. You hadn't seen these boys, well men now, in like a decade or more. They aged so well.

Kazutora grabs you by the waist, "We're gonna watch something in my room and catch up". He pulls you along to show you his space. You were in shock that, not only were you in his home but in his room. You could hear Baji make a gagging noise while Chifuyu chuckled.

His room was very techy. There were shelves of games, movies, and manga. One wall was dedicated to his bed, it looked like at least a double, so that it faced his bookshelf and dresser.  His TV and PS4 were on top of the dresser. In the corner, he had a nice gaming setup; a computer desk with a nice gaming laptop, some dope RGB lights, and a nice gaming chair in the corner. He’s got good taste,  you thought looking at the series of manga on the shelf, many that you recognized. A couple photos here and there, you’re pretty sure you saw one of the two of you peeking out from behind his phone charging pad. It looked a little worse for the wear. Like he had clutched it every day since it was taken. 

He flopped down on his bed, propping himself up on his elbow. "What have you been doing with yourself?" He asked. His curiosity was adorable. He looked at you, eyes sparkling, soft smile. That look made your knees weak. Just like he did when you were kids. 

You let your backpack slip off your shoulder and come to rest next to the bed. "I suppose I've just been living," you say softly, flipping your hair over your shoulder. A cold hand gently grabbed yours, tugging you towards the mattress. "Oof," you breathe, coming to rest next to him. His arm wrapped around your waist and he pulled you close. "I applied to the STEM academy, graduated,went to college, went through several crummy jobs”. You took a breath. Your heart was beating so fast. “I finally found one that was worth staying at when I decided to become a nail tech. Ya know, typical adult stuff. What about you?". Following his lead, you slowly drape your arm over his side, fingers drawing lazy circles on his back.

His face suddenly changed. Gone was that childlike glow. He was stone faced, and kept his gaze down. "I did some real bad shit Momo," his tone turned grave, "I'm not proud of my past". He takes a deep breath and lets it go slowly. It's almost like remembering is too painful to handle. You move from drawing on his back to gently touch his cheek. He places his hand on top of yours, holding your hand closer to his face.  "Maybe we should get the movie started." He fumbled for the remote to pull up a streaming service. Together, you settled on a service and looked through the catalog. There wasn't much there, but you did find the most recent Studio Ghibli film and agreed that would be a good watch.

"I'll let you change," he said as he planted a gentle kiss on your forehead. He got up and padded his way to the living room to give you some privacy. He shut the door quietly and you made quick work of getting out of your street clothes, stuffing them into your pack. You brought your favorite oversized t-shirt and cheeky short shorts. Man it felt good to be in your PJs. You took your hair down, long locks cascading past your shoulder blades. Which you pulled over one shoulder so you could plait it. You quickly refreshed your deodorant and body spray.

Kazutora came back in and his jaw dropped. "Wow, that's not how you looked in middle school" his voice trembled, "you look amazing". He lazily walks over to you, wrapping arms around your waist. In return, you put your arms around his neck. "I’ve thought about you every day. Really missed you something fierce". He buried his face in your hair, taking a deep breath. You could feel goose bumps form on your arms.

"I missed you too Tora," you nuzzled against his shoulder. You could stay here forever. Your best friend was back in your life. You felt complete for the first time in a while. However, a loud grumble from your stomach interrupted your bliss. "I'm gonna go grab the food," you say as you pull away ever so slightly, "I also have to pee". 

The embrace breaks as he points toward the bathroom and you pad softly into the kitchen. As you walk through the apartment, you feel the gazes of Chifuyu and Baji on you from the couch. They are talking amongst themselves but you can't tell what's being said. You pull on the hem of your shirt and quickly scuttle to the bathroom.

You take your time and make sure to splash some water in your face when you’re done. The flush from earlier has only intensified. You lock eyes with your reflection, "They're just some guys Tora lives with. Don't get tripped up," you whisper to yourself. “It’s Tora, sweet Tora. You have NOTHING to be embarrassed for.”  You may have gone ham with the cold water, your shirt is a damp mess. Leaving the bathroom you bonk your head against a muscular frame.

"Watch where yer goin," Baji grunted at you. You look up at him and your face gets redder. A tiny touch of pink kisses his cheeks as his gaze meets yours after he notices that it looks like you are pantsless. Your hand gently touches his chest, in hopes that maybe he’d back up. T’was silly to do, you know he wouldn't budge.

"Sorry again," you mumble, "I just got a little in my head and spaced out." Your head quickly hangs down, causing your hair to fall over your face. Christ, he is stealthy. Running into Baji was really the last thing you wanted to do. Such an intimidating presence.

His warm hand gently lifts your chin, just enough to make eye contact. You could feel your heart race.  "Don't be," he breathes as his fingers swipe your hair behind your flushed ear.  Your breath catches in your throat. His other hand plucks yours off his chest. His thumb caresses the back of your hand. It was much softer than you would have anticipated. Whether it was intentional or not, he was causing a gentle warmth to begin to pool in your stomach. "You, uh.... better get back to Tora." Baji cleared his throat.

"I suppose," you sigh and step to your right. That warmth in your belly told you not to leave, but you couldn't stay in the bathroom door with Baji all night. You weren’t here for him. You quickly grab the bag of snacks and head back to Tora.

His smile greets you when you return. "Momo," he whines, "you were gone for so long." He’s sitting on the edge of his bed. His button down is fully open, exposing his chest and the entirety of his tiger tattoo. The opening credits of a movie were playing

"It was only a few minutes," you scolded him playfully. You set the snack bag on the little table next to his bed. Kazutora's cool hand grasps your wrist and pulls you into his lap. You squeak, surprised at how bold he was being. You lean towards him, touching your forehead to his with your eyes half lidded. “Tora,” you whisper, your finger softly tracing the clean lines of his tattoo. He sighs and moves his head to your shoulder. 

He buries his face into the crook of your neck, taking in the mixture of you and that soft floral perfume, “My Momo,” he exhales against your skin. His lips just barely make contact with your skin. The warmth you had been feeling with your latest Baji interaction grew intensely. You let out a soft mewl, which triggers him to hold you tighter. 

Before he starts  to make a move,  his phone rings. You hear a raspy woman's voice on the other line, lustily begging for him but you couldn't hear why. Kazutora sighs defeatedly. "Sorry Momo," he sets you back on his bed, "I gotta go. I'll be back later." He threw his coat on and left, leaving the door wide open. “Be back in a bit,” he shouted at the guys as he put his shoes on.

You're stunned. Did he seriously just leave you here? With his friends? With no explanation? You sit on his bed, tears forming in your eyes. The hurt that you felt was seriously breaking your heart. It took all your willpower to not cry out. “What the fuck,” you manage to groan. 

Chifuyu hears your soft sniffling. "Hey," he says softly,"he does this from time to time”. He brings one of the kitties to you. The soft purring soothes some of your hurt. "It's not cool, especially when you’re with someone you haven't seen in a while". He gently puts his hand on your shoulder, "Come hang with us, we ‘re the cooler ones anyway". His smile was comforting.

"Yeah," you dry your face on your sleeve, "that would be perfect".

Dividers by @benkeibear​

© All works belong to musingsinmountains. Please do not pirate my work onto other platforms.  Support my releases with likes or reblogs on Tumblr and Kudos on AO3. Please support the official release of Tokyo Revengers.

#tokyo Revengers #TR Fic #bajitrio #tokrev kazutora #kazutora x reader #tokyorev x reader #Kazutora Hanemiya #hanemiya kazutora #tokyo rev #chifuyu matsuno #Keisuke Baji #Baji keisuke #Matsuno Chifuyu #fluff #Musings In Mountains #Tokyo Revengers Fic #Tokyo revengers fluff #Tokyo revengers angst?

[upsidedownism]

have some patience for the part of me that’s lost. 

there's been a hundred times, when i don't recognize any of you that love me, i try to memorize and identify but it's all getting foggy.

( playlist here. ) 

top six: 

mr. forgettable — david kushner —  ❝ the old me hides, while the new me fights, look in my eyes he's still in there, right? did the kitchen change? what about your name? you used to be my heart, and now you're just a face, my head is in the clouds right now, just pray i come around, around, hello, hello, are you lonely? i’m sorry, it's just the chemicals, ❞

seven — taylor swift —  ❝ and i’ve been meaning to tell you, i think your house is haunted, your dad is always mad and that must be why, and I think you should come live with me and we can be pirates, then you won't have to cry, or hide in the closet, ❞

looking too closely — fink —  ❝ put your arms around somebody else, don't punish yourself, punish yourself, truth is like blood underneath your fingernails, and you don't wanna hurt yourself, hurt yourself, looking too closely, looking too closely, ❞

family line — conan gray —  ❝ scattered 'cross my family line, i’m so good at telling lies, that came from my mother's side told a million to survive, scattered 'cross my family line god, i have my father's eyes, but my sister's when i cry i can run, but i can't hide from my family line, ❞

garden song — phoebe bridgers —  ❝ i don't know how, but i’m taller, it must be something in the water, everything's growing in our garden, you don't have to know that it's haunted, the doctor put her hands over my liver, she told me my resentment's getting smaller, ❞

junebug — robert francis — ❝ you'd put the moon in a basket on your bike front by the coast, the way your face lit up in pale grief you were a ghost, you liked to play with darkness, all the universe could give, i was the home you once tried to escape, the dark in which you lived, soon they'd find you laying there with several different homes, they'd find you laying on their porches, do you need to use the phone? and lure you into their rooms, that was the last i heard of june, and that was love i could not allow, ❞

mike is a devastatingly lonely character, and his biggest trauma is the fact that his best friend went missing , and i don’t think it’s talked enough about the fact that he had to see what he presumed was his best friend dying from ‘suicide’ and being pulled from the quarry and he still thinks about that time. it’s different now, he knows that it is, but putting yourself in the shoes of someone who should’ve been off away at college with his friends but dealing with all this shit is A Lot

i haven’t gone much into it yet but mike deals with touch aversion, he can only ( barely ) handle it with people that he trusts and that list is about maybe three people, but we’re working on it. 

family lines is the wheelers baby ! i could’ve copy and pasted the entire song but he loves his siblings, he just doesn’t know how to say it. many years of resentment of not being nancy, and years of resentment of not being holly, and being this kind of outcasted kid that was a little abrasive in high school because his parents weren’t paying attention. 

mike doesn’t hold himself in high regards in terms of the party, he never has, he’s meant to be the ‘leader’ but he knows that he’s not. he fails consistently time and time again to keep people safe, and he never knows his place or if he’ll ever truly be able to fit in. 

seven is literally about his bisexuality , ted said one unsavoury thing and he’s never been able to forget about it. 

most of the lyrics speak for themselves i should be asleep 

#hawkinstm.task005 #━━ ❛❛ // MIKE WHEELER ! ¦ i’m sorry are you lonely it’s just the chemicals . 「 headcanons ! 」 #suicide mention tw

[darkgreenfangirl]

My complicated, messy feelings surrounding my parents.

Sorry in advance for how rambling and messy this is. I just needed to vent/rant.

Trigger warning: I at one point bring up a really transphobia thing my dad said. As well this post does talk about transphobia, and homophobia in general as well. I also talk a bit about my suicide attempt. I do not go into detail about it but I do bring it up.

I knew that I needed to face my growing messy feelings about my parents sooner than later. But I was putting it off, I think somewhat of guilt. My parents truly do love me, they have supported me since I came out as gay. Hell their giving me a roof over my head with no strings attacted! Compared to alot of people I have it good! Where do I have any ground to talk about my feelings? Where do I get off complaining about them? Sure they aren't perfect, and yeah they say some shitty stuff but in the end of the day shouldn't I just shut my mouth because they give me a home to live and food to eat?

It was actually seeing a post here on tumblr about someone else doing a shout out to people with complicated realtionship with parents who aren't bad or entirely good. That you feel so many things, but feel so guilty about them because they love you, sure they sometimes show that it in a way that isn't okay...And the blogger goes on to say that no your feelings are vaild! You're allow to feel sad, and angry! So here I am expressing those feelings.

The thing is my parents have said, and done things that have hurt me. My dad...yells alot, both at me and my mom. He has always had this temper, and he has said some really shitty stuff lately. Lately he has been parroting back some anti woke shit that the right has been pushing...specially about trans people. I have fought back about some of that shit, only for him to go "oh no that is really happening" or saying transphobia shit like "If a man wants to become a woman all the power to him but he is still a man". Yeah even writting that down makes me ill. I have tried to fight back, but he wont listen. What makes this so sad to me was that he has been at pride, he has said he supports the LGBTQ people! He says he support Trans rights! He has a friend that has a trans daughter but then he says this shit. I don't know how to get him to listen to me. It also really scary hearing him parrot back some of this right wing shit, while I'm not cisgender. I haven't put into words what my gender is but now I fear what my parents would say if they knew I was thinking of my gender? The same mom that once told me when I kind of joke that I wasn't a boy or girl that I didn't know what I was talking about, and that I am a girl and that was that.

But at the same time, when I was younger they use to say alot of homophoia shit, but as time passed they stopped. They went out and unlearned alot of homophoia, and have been huge supporters of me since. So maybe I can get them to unlearn their transphobia? Maybe they would embrace me just as they did when I came out as gay? But can I risk that? Also I just want my parents to understand that some shit they say are just wrong. That eveyone should have their human right to live in happiness without worrying about other people's "opinions" about them. That this isn't a matter of opinion! WHEN IT COMES TO HUMAN BEINGS, AND THEIR RIGHTS THEIR IS NO DEBATE. EVERYONE SHOULD BE EQUAL AND COULD YOU NOT SAY THIS TRANSPHOBIA SHIT WHILE SAYING "oh I Support trans people".

But I can't say this, because I live with these people! I don't have my own income, or anywhere to go if they suddenly decide I'm not respecting them. Or they will remind me how they stand with me and LGBTQ Rights. That they go to pride, and support charities so they can't be transphobia.

Then there is the things they said to child me that still affect me, and my sister. But yet they support us both going to secondary schools, supported us when were sad, always were there to support our passions, and truly loved us with all their hearts. I still remember how hard my dad cried when I tried to kill myself years ago. How my mom cried, and hug me. How they got me help, and them themselves when to a class like thing to learn about mental health. How they have yelled at people when they say homophobia things, and how dad no longer supports the church for this reason. They took me to swim classes, band, choir, and drama club. They watch anime (something they had no interest in) because I loved it! They taken me to cons, and support my nerdy loves! They have given so much money to help out my sister and her family. They have supported charities, janeway, and work every day to support both of us. But yet they have hurt us to. They have yelled at us, called us stupid for not doing things a certain way, told me that I can't be so opinionated because how will I get friends? They have judged friends, talked about their friends and family in ways that made me uncomfortable as shit. I just don't know how to face these issues without them losing their shit at me.

I love my parents, but they scare me sometimes. My parents love me so much, but yet have hurt me. My parents support me being gay, but yet say some transphobia shit. My parents support the LGBTQ community with charity and going to pride...but again say some transphobia shitt and parrot back right-wing shit. I don't know what to do and how to feel about them anymore. I love them, but sometimes I really hate them and it hurts when I do. Because they are my parents. Their my mom and dad, i love them so much. But they are messy people and it hurts to have the reilzation that your parents are not perfect people. It hurts hearing my parents say shit against my community and not understand how it is hurtful.

Sorry again for how messy this vent/rant is. I just needed to vent somewhere.

#Personal Vent #A post about my parents #Parents #DGF Rants/Vents #Signal Boost #If anyone has any ideas on how I can handle my parents transphobia please message me #tw: transphobia #tw: suicide mention #Tw: homophobia

[willowsrecovery]

14-11-12022

My day:

So I missed two days of this, they were both really hard shitty days. Today has also been hard. I had my doctors appointment this morning that went alright, we talked about my mental health a lot and she’s quite concerned. Then we came home and rested for a bit before going to the shops, but right at the start there was an incident with my mum and sister where they both raised their voices had a panic tone and jumped at me and it scared me quite a bit, when I tried to explain why I was scared my sister got quite defensive which made things worse, so I felt like shit for the whole trip and wanted to shit off. When we got home I laid in bed and cried for a bit before having a nap, when I got up I did my diary cards and had dinner then went for a walk. I was in a lot of pain so I didn’t even make it half way, and when we came back I had a massive breakdown that lasted a few hours (I’m just coming out of it now) I was first upset about getting me food that I can make myself for breakfast, and then about my bathing situation. I haven’t been able to have a bath in days because the last time I did one I sat there scrubbing one arm for 10 minutes before having a breakdown for an hour over it still not being clean enough and thought about it for the rest of the night, so now my brain won’t let me do it at all. Then I was upset about all the jobs/tasks, mums being saying to give them to her but she doesn’t have the time/energy to do them either, she can hardly keep up with everything there already is, that turned into a fight after me expressing that it always feel like she’s dismissing my concerns when all she says is “it’s fine”. I then felt like I was just the problem for not wanting to live in a mouldy house or have my cat eating/drinking from mouldy bowls since everyone else seems fine with it and it made me pretty suicidal, feeling like I was just the problem. I ended up self harming a bit with the only thing I had available (not mentioning what it was) and say in bed and cried for 2 hours. Mum has now cleaned the laundry and all the cat stuff which I’m thankful for but I still feel like shit.

What I accomplished today:

• morning hygiene routine

• made myself lunch

• did my diary cards

• went for a little bit of a walk

• night hygiene routine

Self validating statement:

My cats and I deserve to live in a clean and safe environment, and I’m not demanding too much to want that to be met

Shadow work prompt for the 12th:

Describe a relationship you walked away from. Write down the reasons it’s been a positive life choice.

The most recent was with an ex boyfriend, we stayed friends for a while afterwards but he started treating me really shit, and not respecting the deals and agreements we had, he knew what I needed and expected of the relationship and even tho they were very basic requests he broke them, so I decided I didn’t deserve to be treated like that, and when I left he tried to make me the bad guy and blame it on me to our mutual friend (who is now my sister and moved out from his house into mine)

Shadow work prompt for yesterday:

Describe yourself with objectivity.

I’m not really sure what to say here, I struggle with a lot of tasks, but I care for people a lot, sometimes to a downfall.

How easy was this task?

Kinda tricky, but I came up with it alright (tho I’m not sure if I really answered the question correctly)

Do you know who you truly are?

Honestly? I don’t know if I do, I’m quite detached from myself a lot and kind of just go off what other people say about me

Do you like who you are?

Not really, I don’t like how limited I am by things and how much I struggle, and I don’t like the way my brain functions

Shadow work prompt for today:

What person has hurt you the most in your life?

My ex best friend George, our friendship and what happened still haunts me

Write them a letter telling them all the things you’d like to say.

George, you’re an absolute peace of shit, I hate you with my whole body, but the worst part is that some of my heart still loves you. That day you SA’d me has lived with me and still haunts me 6 years later. I’m still  tortured by dreams with you, half of them good we’re we make up, half of them horrible with you attacking me, all of them bad in some way. I wish you knew how much you hurt me, but you probably don’t care, I was just one of your many victims, even tho you were my best friend for a year and half, the first person I trusted again, the first person I opened up to, the first person that made me feel loved and worthy of care and compassion. Then you broke all that and you taught me that all I’m good for is sex, and to get what you want around me. The rumour spread around school that someone in my grade slept with someone in your grade, and the one in your grade finally got what they had been wanting for months, but the girl in my grade didn’t live up to expectations and was disappointing, and they were just a shitty prostitue. So thanks for that, thankfully they didn’t figure out it was me but I could never go back. Then when David confronted you you blamed it all on TJ, who was also a rapist piece of shit, but you knew what you did, you admitted it to me over text, but played it off like it was someone else. I hate you, I hate you’re guts, you don’t deserve a nice life for everything you did to me and those other girls. I should’ve listened when I was warned after what you did to Ali, but I was naive, and I loved you, I wish I never met you, you monster.

Ha sorry that was a bit long and a bit intense, if you can’t tell, I’m still quite affected by that whole situation

Anyway, here’s some photos of my cat to cheer us up, she has an instagram now, little_asterroid

I didn’t listen to music today so unfortunately I don’t have a song, so I guess goodbye for tonight

#recovery #my recovery #my journey #recovery journey #recovery journal #living with bpd #trying my best #mental health #mentally ill #my journal #journaling #journal

[royalmokwamonster]

12/5/2022

ok, I wan tot rant but first

my first year of university I have an average of 4.0 gpa which ranges in the 80s-100s LOL well that's surprising lowkey hahahah -- to be fair the average in my first semester was 3.75 and then for my second semester was 4.3 

I scored a higher grade in crim than in psych LOLLLLL but to be honest, I was reading over my exam question and shit I can tell I put my whole BDUSSY on that essay question 

but to be fair, I may be satisfied with my average for second semester results but I indeed in fact struggled since I didn't really have a great social group around me -- a lot of nights snapping Ash about stupid Kpop stuff I be learning on the side for fun

so what's up? why the long and regretful face? why so sad when your grades be pretty good.....

why are you having Lots of identity crisis?

yk why do I keep feeling my life is soon to end? not in a suicidal way but more when im done my studies my life has to be finite hoping my degree brings me to my finish line.?

I recently realized I don't really like talking with R with my personal lost-pathway nor Kpop,,, that sucks, cut her off too??idk ill put that under consideration - like yeah I can talk to her with a bunch of stuff BUT I do like my friends when I feel listened to, and I feel that's really such an important factor that I really put an emphasis on since second semester at home really didn’t carry that credential when I wish it did.

.... ok so what is on ur mind recently for you to be here ranting? cmon just say it.

first, I be lowkey missing my talks w T, lowkey I don't at the same time since,,,, like since when did she never came to me to talk about her stuff thus I just felt as-useless to be in her life... anyway I miss spilling my mind to her about my fresh thoughts and feeling not regretting anything later - yk, I did though felt listened to. anyways

second, why is there 0000.0001% of me lowkey wishing everyday somewhere in my day- wishing my parents didn't meat. is that horrible to say? I feel horrible even to putting time into thinking what their lives would be and their grind would be if they just never had kids and individually lives independently. I would lowkey hate myself to even go into depth about my thought and dot it down so, yeah, I be really be thinking about it every day wondering.

do I really hate myself that much? hate my life? 

okay to be fair, we are all suffering. bruh who in this world is not not suffering? yeah ok fair. but listen. is it weird to be even saying I felt my life felt like it was written somehow while I was only ish-9 years old and for kuya 17? but then moving here not only me, kuya and mother everything just went pitch Black for our journey in life. 

no but shit I really don't mean to be blunt and rude on this, but frlll, we is all pathetic in this situation - I just don't want to live anymore LOL- now I guess im suicidal now :P

should I book another session now? o gosh....

I don't know. my room is a fucking mess. if not everyday, every so often I have identity crisis on what I like, what I can do with my life. 

is it really this city? how satisfied will I ever be?

do you think if ‘he’ were to be absent in your life, do you think your life would be simpler?

see, I don't really know how to answer that question - just like do I ever think about my parents should be divorced would be better than just them being there and living in the same household after all...... like I said, I don't really know what would be better off that would have significantly been better for my upbringing.

[etheriaaly]

Just The Two Of Us [C! Tommyinnit x GN! Reader]

FLUFF TO ANGST (PLATONIC)  WARNINGS: Mentions of suicide, suicidal thoughts, character death, cursing

Reader pronouns: They/them 

A/N: Hi, this is my first DSMP fanfic so uhh I hope u enjoy lmao. There might be grammatical errors so pls do not mind it :D

ɴᴀᴠɪɢᴀᴛɪᴏɴ ∣ ᴍᴀꜱᴛᴇʀʟɪꜱᴛ

—

[Y/N] already lost count of all the pranks and chaos they made with Tommy. They didn't like causing havoc or pulling pranks on people but if Tommy asked them to tag along, they would. Tommy is their best friend after all. Plus, where's the fun in life without a little risk?

[Y/N] was just at their Cottage house, peacefully making the potions that Quackity ordered just hours ago. Since [Y/N] is a skilled witch, it was no shock when they owned a Potions business. Everyone in the SMP server knows about this and they usually come and buy their potions. 

They were about to finish the last set of potions that Quackity ordered until they ran out of ingredients. "Dammit." [Y/N] muttered under their breath. They turned around and immediately went to find if they have any stock ingredients in their barrels or chests.

When they saw no stock ingredients, [Y/N] sighed and decided to do some last minute ingredients grinding. It was until they opened the door and saw Tommy standing in front of their house door.

[Y/N] knew that his presence is no good because that motherfucker is grinning ear to ear. They playfully groaned and asked, "What is it this time child?"

"Hey, I told you not to call me a child anymore!" Tommy suddenly protested, feeling insulted but went back to his sly grin and said, "Let's prank Skeppy and Bad." 

"That's a horrible idea." 

"Come on, bitch. It'll be fun." 

And they did come with Tommy. A couple hours had passed and [Y/N] had already forgotten about the ingredients they were gonna get for Quackity's potions. Tommy said that Big Q's order can wait but the prank can't. 

It wasn't long after Bad and Skeppy saw the two teenagers doing their little harmless prank on them. 

[Y/N] caught sight of the two and immediately tugged on Tommy's shirt. "Fuck, Tommy we gotta go." 

Tommy, unfazed and still focused on the prank, said, "Just a little longer." 

[Y/N] nudged Tommy's side using her elbows as the two teenagers can now hear Skeppy and Bad's incoherent yelling drawing closer and closer to them. 

"RUN!" [Y/N] yelled as they both left the things they used to try to prank BBH and Skeppy. 

The two let out a laugh as they ran away. Tommy constantly turned his head back to see if Skeppy and Bad are still after them. 

[Y/N] and Tommy continued to run even though Bad and Skeppy stopped coming after them. It wasn't until the two teenagers finally stopped running so that they could catch their breath. 

"What now?" [Y/N] gasped, who is still out of breath from both running and laughing at the same time. They looked at Tommy. 

Tommy grinned again and then grabbed their arm, "I have something pog to show you." 

[Y/N] didn't question Tommy and just let him drag them to a mountain. 

Once they have reached the destination, [Y/N] let out a 'wow'. The view is breathtaking and it is very peaceful. The mountain isn't that very far from the SMP but it looks like very few have come across this part. 

"So, what do you think?" Tommy asked, looking at the view. The view consists of the calming ocean waves and a peaceful sunsetting with birds passing by. 

[Y/N] turned to Tommy and smiled, "This could be our secret spot." They slowly walked towards the edge of the mountain cliff but were immediately stopped by Tommy. 

"Oh, [Y/N] wait. Be careful, the edge of the cliff looks really faulty." Tommy warned. 

[Y/N] immediately stepped back a little and took note of what Tommy said. But, they were still curious and looked down at the edge of the cliff, only to see the water from below. 

If someone would fall from this cliff and took a heavy impact on the water, that person wouldn't survive due to how high the mountain cliff is. 

[Y/N] then proposed, "You know, when things are stressful and stuff. We can just go here, sit in silence and look at the view as the wind or the waves takes away our problems for a while." 

"Just the two of us." The blonde haired lad said and then they both stood in silence, admiring the view and beauty of the server. 

Oh, if only you could turn back in time and relive this memory. If only things are still the same the way it was before. 

It's been so long since [Y/N] had fun and peace. Probably so many months since Tommy first showed them their secret mountain hangout area. 

[Y/N] currently stood still, gazing at the view that was once calm and peaceful but was now replaced with sounds of flying TNTs, fireworks and screams from the background.

They were in no state of mind as of the moment. They don't even know what to do anymore. A lot has changed ever since the wars, the exilation of Tommy. 

[Y/N] sniffed, wiping their tears using their now mangy sleeves caused by the current chaotic event. They continued to stare at the ocean, a potion of poison glistening in their hands. 

[Y/N] looked at the Potion of Poison that they were holding and pondered whether to drink it or not. 

Maybe it's best to end it once and for all. They don't have anywhere to go anyways. They don't have any friends or family to turn back to since everyone is against them or thought badly of them now. 

[Y/N] can't even go back to L’manberg as well since they're now a wanted criminal for breaking the laws and escaping from their house since they're supposed to be on house arrest for the crimes they didn't even do. 

They opened the cork of the potion, but they didn't drink it yet. They let their mind wander for a while and process everything that has happened. 

Maybe Dream was right. Maybe the people they loved never even cared for them at all. Maybe it was all just a lie. Maybe—

"[Y/N]." A familiar voice that they haven't heard in a while. 

It was windy. The cool breeze of air touched their skins. But along with the wind, there are particles of TNT or fireworks dusts. 

The [H/C] haired person turned around and saw their best friend for the first time in months. 

"Tommy." [Y/N] replied. Their voice were hoarse and dry. "What are you- What are you doing here?" 

"I could ask you the same thing." Tommy glared at them.

[Y/N] quietly groaned, closed their eyes for a while and pinched their nose bridge, still holding the potion on their other hand. "So, you believe all that shit?"

"Enough for me to believe the fact you tried to murder Tubbo, burn my invites and team up with Dream." 

Tommy added, "Maybe they were right about you. You're Dream's sibling after all." 

[Y/N] scoffed and threw their available hand around the air, "He may be my sibling, but we are never alike." 

"Why, [Y/N]? Why did you do it?" Tommy asked, hands gripping tighter on his sword. "Did Dream finally get into your head for you to commit these crimes? Or did you just do it because it's in your blood?" 

"You don't know a thing that happened," [Y/N] harshly spit back, completely trying to avoid the topic of Dream. "Of course you don't. You were exiled."

Tommy never understood why. Why had they turned like this? He felt rage and betrayal. During his exiled time, Tommy thought that they were gonna be that one person who would try to find him. Comfort him or even send him secret coded messages. But no, he received nothing. 

It hurts. Hurts like hell to know your best friend turned their back on everyone. A best friend that he has known for years. A part of him wants to believe they didn't do it but the proofs are enough for him to believe it was really them. 

"Well, you really can't blame me can you? You can only blame yourself," [Y/N] said. "This all started because of you and your stupid discs. All you ever care about is the FUCKING DISCS. Wars started, lives were lost, relationships were destroyed, all just because of those discs." 

They had never done this before. This was their first time just being angry and shouting at each other. Although this might be new to each other, it was obvious that they have been bottling up their emotions way too long. 

"You know what?! Things would be so much better if only you didn't exist." Tommy instantly regretted what he said as soon as he saw a potion glisten from [Y/N]'s hands. 

He may not be an expert but he knew well enough of the potions due to him hanging out too much with them before. "What are you doing?" Tommy immediately asked. "Is that a potion of poison?" 

"Nothing for you to care about." [Y/N] turned back towards the cliff and stared at the view once again. 

"Just the two of us again here, huh?" They said as they pulled the potion towards their mouth, just inches away from the lips now until Tommy hurriedly ran towards [Y/N] and tackled them. 

"What are you, an idiot?!" Tommy scolded as they both fought each other while trying not to fall from the cliff. He tried to pull the potion of poison away but it was hard since they kept gripping on it. 

It wasn't until Tommy was finally able to remove the potion from [Y/N]'s grasps. He threw the potion far away as it got smashed on the ground. 

The two of them were too busy fighting over the potion to notice that one of them is now standing on the faulty edge of the cliff. 

[Y/N] was on the edge of the cliff and accidentally backed away from Tommy, thinking there was still space. A loud shriek came out of their mouth.

Tommy immediately ran towards the edge, scrambled on his feet and looked down. Luckily, [Y/N] was able to hold onto the edge but their hands are shaky and tired from all the things that just happened. 

"I got you, I got you." Tommy frantically muttered, his breath increasing as to not knowing what will happen next. 

[Y/N] grip is slowly failing. Once their hands slipped, Tommy instantly grabbed their hands and tried to pull them back up. But, he too was tired from everything that has been happening. 

He tried to pull them up again but it was no use. Stress was adding up even more the moment they both felt the edge of the cliff shaking once more. 

Tommy can't do it anymore. So, he let out all the tears he's been trying to fight back. 

"It's gonna be okay, Tommy. Let me go." 

The blonde haired teen's eyes widened at [Y/N]'s statement. He can't do it. He can't bear to lose another loved one in his life. 

"I can't lose you too, [N/N]." Tommy croaked. 

The two might've fought just minutes ago but this is now a life and death situation. Problems and angst aside, they still care for each other. 

"You already did." Tommy's eyes widened in confusion and sadness. [Y/N] forced their hand to slip from his as Tommy tried to tighten it even more. [Y/N] had a few energies remaining, so they used it to push themselves off the cliff with their foot, making Tommy let go. 

For Tommy, everything is going so fast that his mind almost stopped working. 

But everything was in slow motion for [Y/N]. The fresh wind was so refreshing, almost making them forget what is currently happening to them. 

They closed their eyes, not wanting to see anymore reactions from Tommy. This is their end. This was meant to be. 

The moment [Y/N] chose to fall out from Tommy's grip, the blonde panicked and set aside all items he had with him. Without thinking properly, he lunged himself off the cliff. The only goal he had in mind was to save [Y/N] before it's too late. 

But he was, indeed, late. 

Everyone's communicator beeped. They all took at least some time to look at what the message could be on the communicator. As soon as everyone read the 2 words, their jaws dropped. 

[Y/N] drowned. 

#tommyinnit #tommyinnit x reader #platonic tommyinnit x reader #dreamsmp #dsmp #dreamsmp x reader #tommyinnit x you #tommyinnit x yn #angst #c!tommyinnit #dsmp x reader #mcyt x reader angst #platonic #tommy #gn!reader #tommyinnit imagine #tommyinnit fanfic #etheriaaly

[mammonswhore]

Soo what if the MC was suicidal and depressed, so when the boys threaten then and stuff (like how lucifer was gonna kill them when protecting beel and luke) and they don't care or they ask them to do it no balls xD

I like this prompt bc they will be like fucking shocked if MC was not afraid of them. Anyways always remember to check on your mental health🖤♥

Brothers react to an MC who doesn't care about dying.

✒Lucifer

He was in complete shock. Every individual who he threatened was quick to apologize and surrender to his will but this human wasn't?

He dislikes that type of attitude but is also very curious about what happened to them to be this way.

When MC tried to climb up to the attic and he threatened them they just simply said "you know anything can kill me,right? You are not special for that one,Lucifer"

What the actual fuck is going on here?

He forced them to leave anyways but he was thinking about their response all night.

No one talked back to him besides Satan and Belphie and the first person out of his family talking back to him was human. A human! He was annoyed to say the least.

When the relationship between him and MC progressed he become more concerned about it.

He tried to get the truth out of them subtly and without acting suspicious or worried but when they finally said "Lucifer if you want to ask me something, do it. Don't try to get answers out of me that way,it won't work"

When they finally revealed that they were not worried about dead because it will get to them anyway,Lucifer was sad.

He was not only sad because he knew that MC was going to die but because they were not a little bit worried about it.

A sudden wave of sadness gets into Lucifer's chest and he proceeds to hug his lover and tells them that he will take them to therapy.

✒Mammon

He was very happy about MC not caring about dying at first since he couldn't care less and he never properly threatened them as well so they never got to talk back at him.

But once when they were escaping from two witches,MC got hurt and they didn't care at all. Like they literally didn't say shit about the wound on their leg and it took Mammon almost half an hour to realize that the blood he was smelling it was from their wound.

"MC WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY ANYTHING? ARE YOU DUMB? COME ONE,HUMAN! W-WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO? I'M GOING TO HELP YOU,FUCK!"

Very stressed out about it,starts yelling about how they need to be careful with their lives because they are weaker than the average and things like it.

"Mammon I don't care about death,I'm kinda craving for it at this point"

His face drops. A sudden feeling he couldn't recognize was placing on him. He was worried but it was not the type he was used to feel around them.

The single thought of MC dying send shivers down his back. He was borried and it was not because Lucifer would kill him but because he couldn't stand that thought.

"Don't go saying things like that,MC... I don't want you to die,human"

He hugs them kinda afraid they might order him to let them die right there.

He is going to look for help and tell Lucifer about it so they both can keep an eye on MC in case of anything.

✒Levi

His first thought when he heard MC saying they wanted to die was "honestly same."

When he was about to kill them on the TSL quizz thing they didn't even flinch. They were not about to run,hide or beg.

When Lucifer stepped in,Levi was fucking shocked but angry at the same time.

"Damn normie,who do they think they are?"

When both of them formed a pact he became more worried about their health,not because they were his master but also his only friend and he was not about to loose them for some stupid shit.

When they hurt doing some stupid shit with him Levi freaks out and has a mini meltdown but tries his best to control his emotions to help his Henry.

"Stupid normie... Can't you be more careful? Dumb,dumb,dumb human... Agh"

He is mad but he is more worried than he is mad so he is trying his best to ask them how are they so stupid without being rude.

He became more careful with his words since he thought that maybe a little push will send them over the edge and make them commit suicide.

Very sharp when others point out that he takes care of them,gets defensive easily and will lock both of them in his room for a while.

✒Satan

He can not properly understand what's going on with them. His first thought is that they are very much dumb.

Gets annoyed by that attitude easily but never looses a chance to asks them if they are really that dumb or if they want to get killed.

"Oh sorry Satan,did my attitude happen to bother you?"

Ugh. The mocking tone in their voice made him furrow his eyebrows and spit venomous words.

"Indeed it does but I can easily understand why are you so reckless,you are defenseless against me and you are still trying to argue with me. I must say you have some guts MC but I don't think it's late for a good reminder that I can kill you easily."

And then they smirked and stepped closer to him with a daring attitude.

"Do it,anything can kill me and I will die eventually so your meaningless threats don't scare me not even a bit."

He was waiting for them to run,to hide and scream for help. But Satan was not expecting that answer.

His demon form unleashed and he was ready to attack but something inside of his his head told him that he was not capable of killing them. And when he realized that he just patted their head and went to his room.

Later on when they made the pact and MC helped him when coming to terms with Lucifer,he was quite scared for their daring attitude.

Every time they went out even if it was with one of his brothers,Satan will check on them with messages or calls every time he could.

To be honest,MC doesn't need this type of checks on them but appreciates it since Satan knows better than anyone how hard it can be to control themselves.

He still gets very pissed off when MC makes snarky comments,dares him for anything or that type of things but he still won't attack them because he loves them way more.

✒Asmo

He is no the type to threaten someone unless they are threatening him first but he was very tired of MC's attitude through the day and he snapped.

"Can't you remember your place,MC? Every single person around can kill you and you still seem to be as sassy as ever."

He was about to apologize with them about his words since he was not the type to talk to them like that but he was surprised when they talked back (again).

"Asmo if you haven't notice I truly don't mind getting killed here,it would be more interesting that dying in the Human Realm to be honest and also everyone is going to die and no one is going to remember me so fuck it."

That was worst. His eyes were very lost trying to figure out where did those words came from? What was going on?

"MC don't day that,please" he whispered very nervous.

Asmo hugged them and calmed himself down. Even for a demon who has seen a lot of people die he was not ready to loose MC and he was also not ready to hear those words fall from their mouth.

"Asmo calm down,please."

"You were joking,right? You don't think that about your life,don't you?"

He might not seem like it but he was completely worried for their health and well being. Being MC the only person he ever considered as a friend and possible lover,he could not stand for what they were saying.

He became more careful with what he said to them and what the others were allowed to say,if someone tried to insult them or make them feel like less he will snap right away of that meant MC will get rid of those awful thoughts.

✒Beelzebub

He threatened them about eating his food but they were unfazed about him,it was the first time he threatened them after making the pact and honestly,his reaction was totally wrong and he knew this and he was ready to apologize but he was shut down by MC's words.

"Do it,I honestly don't care."

What? MC what the hell are you saying?

He calms down and says that they shouldn't say things like that around his brothers because they might explode and actually kill them. He was worried,yes but he was more worried about eating something because his stomach was growling like crazy.

"Why would you say something like that? If it wasn't because we demons can't kill our master you will be dead now,MC."

Beel was stuffing chips into his mouth while watching MC think about an answer, more worried than before.

"I didn't mean to scare you,Beel. But I will die anyways so it's just a matter of time and if someone dared to make it right now I wouldn't stop them."

He feels the chills going through his back, the feeling of loosing someone he loves again was a lot to process and the fact that MC was unfazed and really sure about their words made him feel full suddenly.

"I don't want to loose you,MC. I know that you are a human and all but can't you just take care of yourself a little? I don't want to loose you." *sad beel noises*

Reassuring him that they will try to find help, MC hugs Beel and promises to try to stop this type of comments.

He was still very very worried about them so he was always around keeping an eye and ear on them so no one killed them.

✒Belphie.

This was after the attic events,he was still very unsure about MC's presence on his life but he was hanging on there still getting used to them.

Until they were assigned to wake him up from a 10 hour nap to eat something.

"You dumb human,I will rip your head apart of you wake me up again."

"It's not like if you haven't tried already now wake up and eat something or Lucifer will be pissed."

He was very amused,they were not afraid of him anymore and decided to talk back to him. But he still was shocked to say the least.

The human who he killed once was now giving him orders without a pact or relationship that established that he had to obey them. They had some guts,that was for sure.

When their relationship progressed and he became closer to MC,he was not going to stand for that type of comments.

"MC you can't go around saying that you want to die! It hurts to see you this way, jeez!"

"I can't help it,Belphie. Sometimes my thoughts just slip through my lips without me even trying."

Now that was something he was not expecting to hear. What did they mean? They really wanted to die that bad?

"Listen here you little shit,I already lost you once and I'm not going to loose you again so stop making those stupid comments or I will tell Lucifer to pay you a good therapist... Fucking idiot."

Belphie was worried even if he seems like he was just annoyed by them,he was even mkre worried than what he will like to admit.

#obey me #obey me asmodeus #obey me barbatos #obey me belphegor #obey me diavolo #obey me headcanons #obey me imagines #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me mc #obey me beelzebub #obey me shall we date #obey me leviathan #obey me satan #obey me scenarios #obey me x reader

[yelena-bellova]

Safe Haven: tfatws!Bucky Barnes x fem!reader - Chapter One

Chapter One: The Other Wilson Sister - chapter two

Series Masterlist

Plot: Y/n grew up with Sam and Sarah Wilson in the bayou of Delacroix. During the Blip she stayed with Sarah to help run the family business. With Sam back and trying to save the day, Y/n’s perfect opportunity to confess her long-kept secret to her best friend presents itself.

Warnings: tfatws ep.1 spoilers, language, suicide mention, undertones of racism, lots of Wilson sibling arguments, tragic backstory

Word Count: 5.9k

A/N: As I wrote this first chapter out I realized it’s most definitely also a Sam Wilson x platonic fic. Bucky doesn’t come in till next chapter but rest assured, it’s gonna be a wild ride...Also I didn’t know till now how difficult it is to plan out a series in its entirety when the show isn’t completed lol. Hope you enjoy! (I may or may not change the title depending on how I feel about it later today lol)

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Delacroix, LA 2024

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One of the only things I was certain of in life was that blood didn’t make a family.

I had no official tie to Wilson family, I wasn’t a daughter or some distant cousin sent to live with them. We shared no DNA and they had no reason to love me as much as they did. But throughout my life I had known no kinder people than them and I doubted that would change. As I stood on the family boat helping to unload the catch of the day, I thought of how our corner of the Louisiana bayou felt more like home than any place I’d ever been.

“Hey,” Sarah said from the dock, “Head out of the clouds and down here helping me.” “Sorry,” I shook myself out of my thoughts and hopped off the boat, “Not a bad catch if you ask me.”

Sarah sighed as she bent over a large bucket of fish, “It could’ve been better.” I came to stand in front of her and held my hands out for a bucket, “Take the wins where you can get ‘em, Sar. Lord knows we don’t get enough of them.” Sarah Wilson was the only superhero I’d ever aspire to be like. She was a widow who had raised two kids and run a business all by herself with no family for support. The past five years had been challenging with so many people gone and while I had moved in with her to help however I could, I could take no credit. She was one of the strongest women I’d ever known.

“You had that look on your face again,” she said as we worked.

“What look?”

“That look that lets me know you were thinking real hard about something,” Sarah imitated the expression in question by thinning her eyes slightly and furrowing her brows, “Like this.” I laughed heartily at her impression, “So what was it?” I gazed out at the bayou waters before turning to the boat and finally Sarah, “Family.”

She nudged me with her hip, something we’d done when we were young and an affectionate gesture we’d carried into adulthood. A half hour went by with us and the boys unloading and sorting the fish we’d caught. I was too wrapped up in the task to notice the sound of a vehicle approaching until AJ and Cass announced the arrival. 

“Blue for the snapper, orange for the whitefish.”

“Uncle Sam!”

My head shot up upon hearing his name, as did Sarah’s. I used my hand as a visor against to sun to spot the familiar rusted truck parked a few hundred feet away, with my best friend standing outside it hugging his nephews.

“That’s right, Uncle Sam,” Sarah called, “You’re back early.”

I grinned as I shucked my gloves off and made a beeline for him, slamming my body into his for a tight embrace. It had been a few weeks since I’d seen him, having spent the only weekend he was off away, and I’d naturally been worried sick about him. My best friend and un-biological brother may have been an Avenger for years, but after losing him in the Blip I didn’t think I’d ever stop worrying about him.

“Every time I come home, you act like I’ve been gone for five years,” he joked over my shoulder, resulting in me pulling away and slapping his bicep.

“Not even a little funny,” I pointed a finger in his smug face, he slung an arm around my neck as we walked over to Sarah.

“What’s goin’ on? You got Mom’s sneaky look on your face.” “How you gonna try to read me when you know I’m the one that reads you?” Sam smiled, passing by and greeting a long time customer of ours. “That look is permanently glued to his face, Sar,” I chuckled, “I learned that in grade school.” Sam shook his head at me and laughed before making his way up the dock to the Wilson family boat. “You gotta marvel at it, baby’s being held together by duct tape and prayers.” I leaned into Sarah, “Are you telling him or am I?” She took the initiative, “It just needs to float long enough for me to sell it.” “I thought we were gonna discuss if we were selling it,” Sam replied as he helped unload another bucket of fish. “We did, and then you were off fighting Doctor Space Cape or whatever while we,” Sarah gestured between us, “Were holdin’ it together for five long years. Now that the world is going back to normal, this thing’s gotta go.”

Sam looked to me with a look of displeasure, “Were you in on this?” “Don’t drag me into this,” I waved my hands as if wiping my involvement away, “This is a Wilson sibling discussion.” “Uh-uh,” Sam called me out, wagging his finger, “Don’t do that. Dad said every chance he got that you were one of his own, you’ve got a say in this too. What is it?” I scrunched my face up, dreading the argument that was knocking on our door, “It’s dead weight, Sam. The money we could get for it would be enough to keep us comfortable for a little longer without having to worry.” “We grew up on this thing. It’s not just Mom and Dad’s name on it. This thing is a part of our family.”

I sighed as Sarah stepped forward, “You know the situation we’re in. This is why I prefer not to dwell on it in front of everybody.” “Well what if we don’t need to sell it?” Sam said. “Can we talk about this in private?” I suggested, tiring of having to convince Sam that we were in the right when he hadn’t been around to witness our struggles. A long time friend of ours called out to Sam and he willingly took the distraction, opting out of having the inevitable difficult conversation. Sarah and I trudged back, totes of fish in hand and tried to get through the rest of the work day without worrying if we were approaching our last.

————

During golden hour, when the clock had struck five and we’d started packing it up for the day was the only time to get Sam to actually listen. I knew how much the boat meant to him, it meant something to us all, but he wasn’t living in the reality that Sarah and I were.

“Sam, the boat’s gotta go,” Sarah finally said, breaking the silence we were working in on the vessel. “Wait-“ “No, let me finish,” she said, “Y/n and I are doin’ everything I can to keep this business afloat and every day we’re making $5 and spending $10.” Sam looked between the two of us, “So why won’t you let me help?” 

“Sam, don’t…” I winced, knowing Sarah’s reaction would be strong.

“No, don’t start with that. We made a deal before Daddy died,” Sarah carried a few buckets to the center of the deck, “You’re out there, I do things my way here. Y/n agreed to it too when she went off to school.” “Right, but you tangled the house into this when you took those loans,” Sam finished tying off one of the ropes, turning around and giving Sarah the perfect opportunity to punch his chest, “Forgot how hard you hit.” I sighed as I passed him by to follow Sarah, “Low blow, you deserved it.” 

“Sarah, Y/n, c’mon,” he chased after us, “Look, and don’t hit me again…What if you had money to fix it up? Make it nice so you can charter it when you’re not out working the waters?” “Sam, do you think this was an easy decision for us?” I faced him, leaning against the doorway next to him, “I tried every tactic I learned in business school and got nowhere. Anything I thought up, we needed more money to do. This is our only option.” As he always did with the things he cared about, he fought. “We can take a loan and consolidate everything, it’ll take down your monthly,” he looked confused as he watched Sarah laugh, “What?” “You think I didn’t try the banks? They’re in with all that big business now.” I followed them like the little sister I’d always been as they moved their fight towards the cockpit of the boat. Sam blocked another doorway, “Yeah, but now you have me.”

“Don’t, Sam,” Sarah shook her head, “I just got good with this.”

“All right…”

“Maybe it is time for us to move on,” Sarah sighed. “Either way, just let me help,” Sam offered, “I’ll set the appointment. Look, I won’t let you guys down. We can turn this shit around. Trust me.” I peered over at Sarah, wishing I could see the calculations going on in her brain. It seemed pointless, but any shot at changing our luck was an avenue worth pursuing.

“It can’t hurt to try,” I shrugged.

Sarah finally relented, “To the rescue, huh?”

“Always,” Sam smiled, “Now, let’s get some dinner. I’m hungry.” ————

Sarah was taking AJ and Cass back home while Sam and I took his truck to go pick up food.

“So how was Tunisia?” I asked, sticking my hand out the window and letting it rise and fall with the wind.

“Hot, but the mission went well,” he answered, looking out of the corner of his eyes at me, “And that’s all you need to know.”

I snickered, “C’mon, it’s our thing. I ask you detailed questions about your confidential missions, you tell me you can’t reveal anything, I keep asking…You’ve gotta honor tradition.” “I flew, I fought, I rescued. Boom, mission explained.” “Ugh, you’re impossible, Wilson,” I waved him off, “How was the museum dedication?” The atmosphere changed as the subject of conversation changed from easy to complicated. “It was nice to see Steve’s accomplishments celebrated. Got to see Rhodes which was nice…” “You’re avoiding a red white and blue topic,” I said, trying to coax his true feelings out of their shells, “Seriously, are you really okay with this? Giving up the shield?” Sam inhaled deeply and exhaled, gathering his thoughts. “I don’t think it was ever meant to end up in my hands. I did the right thing, it belongs with Steve and the museum is the closest to Steve I can get.” I respected my friend’s choice but I knew there was so much more to his decision and I wished he would just say it. He had an enormous amount of respect for Steve Rogers and what the shield represented, but Steve Rogers never had to face the issues that Sam Wilson did. Steve Rogers could follow a government and be respected in return with no problems whatsoever. Sam Wilson couldn’t, not always. There was an elephant in the room and if neither of us wanted to talk about it, I wouldn’t push it.

“You’d have looked good in that uniform though,” I smiled as we turned into the take out place’s parking lot.

“Damn right,” Sam waggled his eyebrows and unbuckled his seatbelt. Laughter rang out in the truck sending me on waves of nostalgia. The memories that me and him had in this truck still were infamous between us. As proud as I was of the Falcon’s heroics, I was prouder to call Sam Wilson my best friend.

————

Just as he’d promised, Sam made the appointment with the banker. He and Sarah were already on their way as I made the hour long drive in the opposite direction to New Orleans. I’d told them I’d be back in the evening to discuss how it went, but I had my own appointment to keep.

Sam and I had met back when we were just a couple of first graders. I’d always struggled with making friends as a kid, but Sam never had an issue when it came to connecting with others. It was one of his strongest qualities. And so he used his gift on his desk neighbor, the loneliest kid in class, and pulled her out of herself. We were inseparable until college and adulthood forced us apart, but we’d never lost our bond. Even when he was a pararescue, he wrote to me as often as his work allowed him.

All the Wilsons had taken a liking to me after Sam brought me home one day after school to watch cartoons. Darlene had told me I was welcome to come over any time I wanted, an offer Sam and I accepted till I became a permanent fixture in their house. Paul and his wife had frequently tried to get the rest of my family over for a crawfish boil or a barbecue. They’d send me every few weeks with a verbal invitation to my parents and the next day I’d always come back with a polite decline and excuse as to why we couldn’t make it. Mom was busy with spring cleaning, Melanie had a recital, Dad was feeling under the weather…

The only one that had ever been true was about my dad not feeling well. He was never well. But as a child, how do you explain that your father is a ghost around his own home who drinks himself to sleep and wakes up each night screaming from nightmares? There was no polite way to phrase circumstances that dark. Sometimes I felt like my dad had never returned from the military and though there hadn’t been a war at the time of his service, he still came back with his share of trauma. Mom did everything she could to try and help him. She found support groups for veterans, she took him to the best psychiatrists, she created a safe space for him within our home to retreat to. There was no amount of help that could kill my father’s demons and that was proven the night he’d said we were out of milk and he was going to the store. A few hours later, with my sister and I fast asleep upstairs, my worried mother answered the door and was informed by the police that my father had crashed his car and was dead. After speaking to Mom about what his mood had been like before he’d left and if he suffered from any mental illnesses, it was ruled as an undoubtable suicide.

My mother didn’t get much time to mourn after the funeral, she had two children to provide for. She took three jobs just to earn enough to move us from our house in New Orleans to a dingy apartment in Delacroix by the bayou. When the Wilsons heard that Mom needed to scrape enough money in the budget to hire a baby-sitter for me and Melanie, they put a stop to her efforts immediately. The insisted that Mel and I would be happier spending the time my mom was working with them and their kids rather than a stranger. That was how the Wilsons and the Y/l/ns had ended up so tightly knit. While Sarah and Melanie had bonded as the older sisters and were often off doing their own thing, Sam and I caused havoc of our own in classic younger sibling fashion. By the time we were in high school, both parents called the other’s children their own.

When Paul and Darlene passed away, it was incredibly hard on all of us and it was equal when Mom had a fall and the doctors suggested she move into a facility. Sam, Sarah and I had worked hard to get her into one of the best nursing homes in the city and she hadn’t stopped raving about how much she loved it. Pulling into the parking lot was like muscle memory now, I never missed a weekend visit with her. This one was special because Melanie, her husband and brood of children had come too. I grabbed my visitor’s sticker at the front desk and made my way down the familiar hallways. The sound of laughter and cooing echoed out of my mom’s room, bringing a smile to my face.

I knocked on the door and heads turned, my nieces and nephews being the quickest. “Aunt Y/n!” I embraced Sophia and Max tightly, “The twin tornados! I missed you guys,” separating from them was difficult as they clung to me but I made it to Stephan, giving him a kiss on the cheek and doing the same to Mel, “You look hot, mama.” “I certainly don’t feel it,” she remarked as she cradled their newest addition, baby Alexandra, close to her chest, “I spend more hours of the day covered in glitter glue and spit up than you could imagine.” “You wear it all well,” I patted her shoulder before coming to my mother’s bedside and hugging her, “Hi, Mom.”

“Hi, sweetheart,” she kissed both of my cheeks and looked to the door, “Sarah and Sam couldn’t come?” “No, but they send their love. They had an appointment at the bank,” I set down my purse and pulled up a chair, “We’re trying to get approved for a small business loan.”

Glen took Alexandra from Mel so she could tend to the twins, “I wish we could help out, Y/n. I’ve looked at the budget over and-“ It warmed my heart that my brother-in-law cared so much about a problem that wasn’t his to bear. “Glen,” I held up a hand, “You guys are stretched thin enough. This isn’t me asking for charity, it’s our problem and Sam’s confidant we’ll find a fix.” “How does he have enough time to be a member of the Air Force, an Avenger and save the family business?” Mel asked.

“Well, the Avengers are kind of off doing their own thing right now from what I understand and he’s home for a little while from the Air Force,” I explained, “So his main job at the moment is to get us our funding and annoy the snot out of me while doing it.” After earning some giggles from Sophia and Max at the expression, Glen announced that they were going to go and grab lunch for everybody. My mom took my hand once it was just the two of us and I settled into my seat, “How are you, sweetheart?”

“Hanging in there,” I sighed, running a hand through my hair, “Tired, stressed, I smell like fish most of the time…We need this loan or else we’re going to have to sell the boat. You should’ve seen Sam’s face when Sarah told him…”

“I’m sorry, I know how much that boat means to you kids. I could’ve offered you the moon and stars and it still wouldn’t have been enough to get you off it.” I smiled at the memories of summer nights spent laying on the deck stargazing, dance parties on the stern and early mornings spent with Mr. Wilson teaching us how to fish. A childhood with so much sadness had also contained so many joys. To part with a tangible one killed me more than I’d let on to Sam.

Sensing that the topic was making me emotional, my mother was kind enough to change it. “How are things otherwise? Have you been getting out there?” I dropped my head back dramatically and groaned, “Mom…” “I’m just saying,” she dropped my hand and held up hers in surrender, “You should get out there, meet someone. There’s no shame in trying those online dating services. What’s the one…the…Tinder?” “Oh my gosh, Mom,” I buried my face in my hands and moved my fingers so she could only see my eyes, “Please stop talking.” “You know who I ran into the other day? Jack’s mom, from high school. She lives just down the next hallway, she says that he’s still single. You could get in touch with him.” “Y’know, for a woman who advocated for her daughters to lead such independent lives, you’re sure quick to try and marry us off,” I chuckled, “The second Mel started dating Glen you were practically booking the church.” “And I’m very proud of both my girls for being such strong young women,” she smiled proudly, “But finding love doesn’t mean losing your independence so long as you’re with the right man. I love that you’ve been helping out Sarah these last few years but honey…I see how lonely you are. In those big y/e/c eyes you think I still can’t read after all these years.” The y/e/c eyes in question started to fill with sadness at hearing my pain verbalized. It was true, I was lonely. More so than I would ever let on to anybody. I was a shy enough kid who only withdrew further after Dad passed away, that kind of introversion wasn’t one that you outgrew. But I’d given up the idea of finding someone to spend my life with a long time ago for a bevy of reasons.

“Sometimes it’s better to be alone, Mama,” I nodded as if to force myself to agree with my statement, “No chances of getting hurt…or hurting somebody.” “You couldn’t hurt somebody even if you tried,” my mom argued sweetly, “You couldn’t even kill spiders when you were a kid.” “And now there’s a Spiderman out there so I’m glad I didn’t,” I shot back with a laugh.

“I’m serious, honey,” she took my hand once again, “Don’t let your heart’s wounds keep you from finding someone who could help soothe them.” 

I was convinced my mother was both a poet and a therapist at some point in her life, she gave advice in the most beautifully phrased way. And while I’d loved to have taken her words to heart, tell Mel to fix me up with one of Glen’s friends and put an end to my loneliness, I feared that I was just too broken to give love to someone.

————

I arrived back home late, shedding my boots and bag at the doors. I’d expected to hear a triumphant chorus of Sam shouting ‘WHO DA MAN?’ as he typically would when heroically proving me and Sarah wrong, but there was only silence. When I walked into the kitchen and saw their glum faces, it wasn’t hard to guess the outcome of the meeting. “You’re kidding me…” “Said that things had tightened up,” Sam said, leaning against one side of the island and taking a swig of his beer, “Had the balls to ask me for a picture afterwards.” I groaned and grabbed the beer bottle Sarah had extended to me, “Okay, we’re out of options. It’s time to move forward-“ “Don’t say it…” Sam tiredly warned.

“Someone has to, Sam. We can’t keep searching for solutions when the right one is sitting out on our dock,” I gestured to the window that looked out on the road we took each day to work.

Sarah set her beer down and held her hands up in surrender, “I’m not having this argument again tonight, I’m going to bed. If you’re gonna kill each other, do it quietly.” She left as me and Sam silently stared each other down, waiting for the other to speak. I was too frustrated to play the game, “What’s this really about?” “It’s about the damn boat and that you and Sarah are throwing in the towel too-“ “What,” I elongated the single syllable word, “Is this really about?” Sam set his drink down and rubbed his hands over his head before looking back up at me helplessly, “You guys were on your own for five years and you’ve done an amazing job. But now nothing’s working and I just…I just want to help because I couldn’t for so long.” It all clicked as to why Sam was being so insistent on trying to eliminate the whole matter. He was used to saving the day and finally meeting one that he couldn’t save was a wall he thought he could still find a way to run through. He’d been like that ever since we were kids, always trying to help the people he loved even when it was impossible. He had the biggest heart of anyone I’d ever met.

“I love you,” I set down my bottle and crossed the island to come next to him and wrap my arms around his shoulders, “But this may be one problem that the Falcon can’t swoop in and fix. The Avengers work hard, but a business graduate helping to run a struggling seafood business works harder,” I succeeded in getting him to crack a smile, “Believe me, I’ve run all the numbers and consulted with anyone who would listen. The boat’s gotta go.”

“Yeah, well, humor me and give me a little while longer.”

“Fine, a couple more days,” I grabbed my beer once again and clinked it against his, “But it’s not my fault if Sarah smacks you again.” Sam laughed, slung an arm around my neck and kissed my temple. “You coming up soon?”

“Yeah, I’ll be up in a few minutes,” I answered, watching as he finished his drink before leaving the kitchen and heading upstairs. Once I’d heard his bedroom door open and close, I exited out to the back porch. I took in the late night sounds of the bayou, the crickets chirping and the wind rustling trees had always soothed me. I wished they could touch what I was feeling right now, but the noise didn’t do a thing to drown out my worry. For the business I feared we may lose, for Sam as he ran himself ragged trying to help and for myself and what him and Sarah would think of me once I confessed the secret I’d kept from them for so long.

I held out my hand and watched as the blue energy flowed from my fingertips. Would Sam ever forgive me for not telling him I had powers? They had manifested when I was young, my parents said. I couldn’t remember a day where my body hadn’t produced a magical energy that when harnessed incorrectly could be destructive. It had been a sad day for my mother’s garden when I’d discovered that bit…According to her, she’d wanted to take me to a school for people like me run by a man named Charles Xavier but my father had said no immediately. He’d been so insistent on keeping my powers a secret that my mother said she’d only seen that type of fear in his eyes when he had a war flashback. So I was instructed to never show my powers to anyone under any circumstances and I’d done just that. I’d thought about revealing them in 2012 after the Battle of New York, but my dad’s fear rang in my ears. Three years later when Sam became an Avenger was when I began to feel guilty that I was keeping a secret from him. I’d wanted to join him and find somewhere where I didn’t feel so out of place, but I’d decided against it again. Now with their team so broken and Sam off with the Air Force, I’d finally gathered the courage to confide in him and Sarah. I should have done it six months ago, but I’d chickened out too many times. Tomorrow, I decided. Tomorrow was the day. But would they still see me the same way once I showed them? ————

The next morning, after dressing and running over what I wanted to say three times, I hesitantly headed downstairs to face the music. With there being nobody in the kitchen, I followed the sounds of the television to find Sarah and Sam staring at the screen intently. I stood to the side of the room and watched a suited man give a speech out front of a government building. “We need someone to inspire us again, someone who can be a symbol for all of us. So, on behalf of the Department of Defense and our Commander-in-Chief, it is with great honor that we announce here today that the United States of America has a new hero. Join me in welcoming your new Captain America.”

My jaw slackened as a man marched out in front of the gathered press, dressed in a variation of Steve Rogers’ patriotic uniform and carrying the iconic shield. The shield that had only weeks ago sat upstairs in Sam’s bedroom in a case. I dragged my gaze away from the screen to look at my best friend, hunched over in his seat with his eyes shut in sorrow. Sarah looked just as distraught, her eyes trained on her brother as well. We waited in silence until the breaking news broadcast switch back to regularly scheduled programming before Sarah switched the box off.

“I thought you said it was going to stay in the museum,” I finally spoke, my voice choked with emotion.

“It was supposed to,” Sam ground out, his grip on his own hands tightening. Without any warning, he rose from his seat and left the room. My instinct was to follow him and try to comfort him, but there was nothing I could say to ease the deep pain he was feeling. I wasn’t even sure I could form words that weren’t doused in raw shock. The two things I was sure of were that a) the government had fucked up royally and b) now was definitely not the time to tell Sam about my powers.

————

It was a few days later and Sam still hadn’t spoken much to Sarah and I about the situation. It was unnatural for Sam to suffer in silence especially around us, but we both gave him the space he needed. 

I was taking laundry to AJ and Cass’ room and had to pass by Sam’s, surprised to see him packing a bag. “Thought you were sticking around.” “Something big came up,” he replied as he set a stack of t-shirts in his duffle bag, “I need to go check it out.” I leaned against his doorway, “Air Force big or Avengers big?” “The second one.” “And you’re going by yourself?” I asked with raised eyebrows.

Sam looked over his shoulder at me finally, “Don’t have anybody to else to call. Besides, I can handle myself.” I hummed in response before setting down the stack of laundry, an idea forming in my head that could solve both of our problems. I folded my hands together and dug my feet into the carpet, “What if you didn’t have to go by yourself?” He looked confused, “What are you talking about?” My folded hands began to make circles in the air as I struggled for the right words, “What if I came with you?” “What, like take your family to work day something?” Sam scoffed, “That’d be fun.” “I’m serious.” “Are you crazy? Of course you can’t come.” “Hear me out,” I looked to his bag and the pair of jeans he had next to fold, “Actually watch.” He folded his arms and waited for my demonstration. I took a deep breath and extended my hand, forcing my energy outwards to levitate the jeans. “Whoa!” Sam exclaimed as he watched me maneuver the clothing inside his duffle, “W-w-what…What was that?” I shrugged and pulled my hand back to my side, “The reason why you should take me.”

“How long have you been able to do that?” “Since I was a kid,” I moved out of the doorway and closed the door, the last thing I needed was AJ and Cass knowing their aunt could move things with her mind, “My parents told me never to tell anybody. I’ve thought about telling you for years since you’re used to this kind of thing but I was scared…Then you were gone and when you came back, life was moving non-stop and I lost my courage. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.” Sam stood with his jaw hung for a few seconds before shaking his head back into reality, “Why are you apologizing? You never had to tell me, but I’m glad you did,” he pointed a finger towards me, “But you’re still not going.” “What are you talking about? I’d be an asset to whatever it is you’re fighting! And I love you but c’mon bird boy, you may be able to fly but I can do it without any tech.” “Oh, so that’s how you wanna play?” Sam gestured between the two of us, “You think insulting me is the way to get me to let you come?” “Come on,” I moved to sit on his bed, “Tell me what the problem is and I’ll prove that I can help.” “Alright, alright,” Sam took a stance in front of me, “You wanted to hear the tea on my missions, I’ll spill it. There’s an online group called the Flag Smashers, their MO is to get the world back to the way it was during the last five years. My military contact, Torres, went undercover in Switzerland when they robbed a bank. Knocked him unconscious when he tried to fight back.” I balanced my elbows on my knees and tapped a finger against my lip, “So kind of a Robin Hood deal, right? Stealing things from the rich and giving it to the poor. In this case, the poor being those who never disappeared.” “Exactly, except the guy that knocked Torres out was strong. Too strong. I’m thinking they could be a part of-“ “The big three.” Sam’s neck snapped back, “How do you know about the big three?” I shrugged nonchalantly, “The little you do tell me about your avenging always ties back to either androids, aliens or wizards. Though I think you’re being a little dramatic with the term ‘wizard.’”

“Are you seriously gonna correct the guy who’s actually there doing the fighting?” “Are you seriously gonna deny yourself valuable help against either an alien or an android?”

Sam sighed, I was successfully backing him into a corner. “Can you even fight?”

Extending one hand, I levitated Sam and gently slammed his back into the ceiling before reversing course and lowering him onto the carpet. He moaned as he rolled over to face me, “Could’ve given me a concussion.” “Maybe that would knock some sense into your head,” I stood and gave him my hand to pull him up, “Sam, I know that I don’t have any experience but I am more than capable of defending myself. I want to actually do something with these powers instead of sitting on my ass. I’d rather do it with you than on my own. Please?” I watched the cogs in his mind turn through his eyes, I knew he was only fighting this hard because he wanted to keep me safe. But he was in way over his head if he thought it wasn’t worth taking me with. He accepted my hand and stood to his full height, “Pack a bag, we’re leaving for the air base in an hour.” I smiled and threw my arms around him, “Thank you, you won’t regret this.” “I’d better not,” he warned, his arms stayed straightened in displeasure of my enthusiasm, “If you take some stupid risk and put yourself in jeopardy, I’m putting your ass on a plane home.” Quick footsteps could be heard coming down the hallway until the door opened to reveal Sarah, “What was all that noise? It sounded like you were throwing each other into walls.” “Busy,” I quickly dismissed her, using my energy to shut the door in Sarah’s face from a distance.

“Um,” her muffled voice rang through, “What the hell was that?!”

--------

Taglist: (open)

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes imagine #sam wilson x reader #sam wilson imagine #marvel imagine

[writingtoforgetreality]

Stockholm Syndrome (Helmut Zemo x Reader)

[Marvel-Masterlist]

Summary: During the fight with the Dora Milaje in his safe-house, Zemo made an exit. But not alone. For inexplicable reasons, he dragged you along. Probably because he wanted to mess with Sam & Bucky. Would the Baron kill you? Or worse?

Words: 4,083

Warnings: language, angst, fluff (?), kidnapping, spoilers for TFATWS, (Let’s put the angsty shit in this part & the fun stuff in the second one.), (Y/E/C) = your eye color, REQUESTS ARE OPEN!

If you like my work & wanna support me: a coffee would be highly appreciated ❤

The fight in front of you held your entire attention. Eyes focused on moving bodies, kicking, punching their way through. While you were not inexperienced when it came to battling, you preferred holding back. Bruises were not necessarily your favorite. Not these kind of bruises at least. All your ears could make out was the grunting radiating from the combat. Hence why the movements behind you stayed inconspicuous. Only when a cloth pressed against your nose & you had no choice but to breathe in, did you notice the jeopardy of the situation. Darkness enveloped you. The last thing you perceived was a dark silhouette picking you up. As much as you wanted to fight back, to defend yourself, it was impossible. All strength had dissipated. Whatever was happening, you hoped you would wake up again. This could not be how you died. You would not die.

Pain woke you up. But you were not hurt. At least that was what you remembered. Then it came to you. Someone had kidnapped you. If your eyes did not open soon, you would regret it later. Heavy eyelids slowly opened. Though it took many attempts to keep them that way. You scanned the room. There were no windows, no light which would have made that task easier. It took a few minutes to adjust to the obscureness. And once you did, you found yourself as perplexed as before. No restraints were obstructing your motions. Technically, you could up & leave. But it was never that simple, was it? The door was opposite of you. Your muscles were still sore. The act of standing up & waltzing over seemed like too much effort for you. The bleakness of the wall your back rested against was a more welcomed sensation. Your knees scooted closer to your chest. Arms raking around them, you hugged yourself. Hoping it would bring you a bit of comfort. Your brain failed to work properly. Because you were stumped. Who could have possibly seized you? Walker was busy getting his ass kicked. Lemar imitated his partner, pretty much. Sam ordered Bucky to help out & went into the battle right after. And Zemo was… Yeah, where the hell was Zemo during all of that? If you recalled correctly, he held a drink in his hand. Like you, he kept away from the fight. And then? You were aware that the Baron was not a saint. Neither were you. But you did not believe he would pull something like that. Then again, it was Zemo. Nobody knew his next step. Nobody but himself. Your foot tapped a rhythm on the cold, grey pavement. Usually, when your anxiety acted up, you distracted yourself. Fiddling with your hands or bouncing your legs. Something you could focus on that was not life threatening to your mind. The unknown beat managed to calm you down the slightest. Whoever held you hostage would be back soon. Your gut feeling told you so much.

Maybe you dosed off again. Because your body flinched when a creak reached your ears. Quickly, you looked around for possible threats. The only thing that had changed was the door sitting ajar. Only a diminutive gap. It was noticeable due to the light illuminating the room. There was no piece of furniture which meant that nobody lived here. It resembled a cell. But even cells had a bed, a chair. Something. The room turned dim again but only for a second. A shadow, you figured. Your captivator was here. So close, in fact, goosebumps erupted. A chill ran down your spine. This single interaction could modify your imprisonment. You still needed time to consider a successful escape plan. Which meant that you needed to observe the person keeping you here. Movies displayed such situations more than once. It was manageable. If they decided to show themselves & reveal their identity. Your eyes fell to the boots first. Black or a dark brown that was not detectable due to the lack of brightness. Next were the pants. Black again. The end of a coat came into view. Dark grey, almost anthracite. Your thoughts instantly went to one person. You could be mistaken. He was not the only one with a coat like that. Your gaze flickered up to his hands. The leather gloves were proof enough. Your (Y/E/C) eyes locked onto his brown ones. There was no shock written over your features. After all, deep down, you awaited this sight to be met with. As much as you wanted to withhold it, your eyes rolled & the sigh that left your lips was one of pure exhaustion. Zemo never made a secret out of it. His dislike for you started off the moment he first laid his eyes on you. From then on, it only seemed to increase steadily. You were a simple person. If someone treated you like shit, you returned that favor with pleasure & ten times worse.

“You are awake.” he stated the obvious after his frame entered through the doorway.

“Pretty sure I’m still dreaming.” you replied sarcastically, your elbows propping onto your knees. A smirk formed at the corners of his mouth. Whatever you said, it was the wrong thing.

“You dream about being locked inside a small cell? And I make an appearance as well? This does sound problematic, (Y/N). Nothing I would not be able to help you with.” he enjoyed this. Disgust made itself shown onto your face.

“Yeah? How could you possibly help me with that?” it took you a second to fully realize what you said. Immediately, you corrected yourself. “You know what? I don’t even wanna know.” your head rested in your hands, slightly embarrassed by turning this conversation awkward. Maybe it would have been more convenient if you just kept quiet. Zemo chuckled shortly but did not comment on it again.

“I assume you wonder why you are here.” the Baron observed your small frame on the floor. It was easy to recognize how uncomfortable you were.

“Your assumption might be correct.” your head tilted upwards, trying to hide the fear. Burying it deep down. You needed to think clearly so you could escape him.

“Would you like me to declare your purpose?” he questioned, eyebrows raising.

“Enlighten me, Baron.” you wasted no time with your reply. Maybe you imagined it but you could have sworn that his muscles tensed up when you called him by his title. You were the weaker one here so you kept your jokes at bay.

“I have no desire to get involved with the Wakandans. A getaway is more enjoyable with a suitable associate.” his hands gestured & you fathomed the seriousness behind his words.

“Oh, so that’s what I am now? An associate? Could’ve sworn I was your enemy. Improvement, I guess.” you focused on a lighter spot that interrupted the evenly dark color of the cement wall.

“I never declared you my enemy. That is solely your imagination.” Zemo stared at you but you would not give him the satisfaction of holding eye contact with him. He did not deserve it.

“I prefer my imagination then.” you stated & earned another chuckle from the Baron.

“Our departure is soon.” he let you know & left you alone once again. Great, so he did have a plan for you. But it did not seem like he wanted to murder you brutally. Basically, you could do nothing. The lock of the door clicked. No way out of this room. And your cellphone was no longer with you. He probably removed it from you while you were unconscious.

The drug Zemo had you breathe in really affected you. Tiredness rushed through you still. Falling asleep once again was inevitable. A steady, loud noise stirred you from your slumber. When your eyes opened, the chair you were seated in felt familiar. Your surroundings were not new to you. It was Zemo’s private jet. No sight of him. No sight of Sam & Bucky. The only company was the engine of the small plane, creating a ringing in your ears. Surprisingly, you were well rested. Your sleep schedule was messed up. On a good day, you slept for three hours. On a normal day, though, you were lucky if the dreamland even invited you in. Did that mean that you should thank Zemo? For drugging you? Your gratitude could stay inside, for now. It was kind of embarrassing to admit that you had enough rest because of him stunning you. All it would do was feeding his ego. He had enough of that already. Would it be clever to hop out of a plane that was thousands of feet in the air? A clever suicide mission, maybe. Zemo would not harm you. If he truly wanted to, you would be a ghost already. Where was he anyway? Certainly, he would not leave your side after kidnapping you. A look down your lap confirmed what you had feared. The trembling of your hands was noticeable. Almost worse than usual. If push came to shove, you could defend yourself perfectly fine. The Baron did not strike you as a fighter type of guy. Sure, he could handle a gun. In reality, the one thing he could really handle was his alcohol. If you had been in a cell for almost ten years, you would not be able to cope with this world either. Now that you were thinking about it...when was Zemo not drinking? Ever since you guys had teamed up, he had taken every chance to get some liquor into his system.

“How are you feeling?” a voice startled you. The cause of it was your dear captivator. His strut brought him over to you, taking a seat right opposite of you. Plopping down onto the soft cushion with a sigh, he intertwined his fingers in front of his chest. His chin rested on the back of them. The intensity with which he eyed you was unsettling. Your body curled together, shifting away from his rigid glance. The man in front of you frowned. Never before had you behaved that way. Usually, you were sarcastic, humorous. Your current state was uncommon. The fight or flight instinct kicked in. If you played by his rules, the cards were on your side. So the only natural thing was to answer him.

“Okay.” it was short but the tone held much meaning.

“Okay is not good.” he mumbled quietly, though you could still make out his words. The clouds outside of the window you were sitting next to looked like cotton. Smooth, soft. Perfect if you wanted to jump in. The sunset colored the sky in various, bright hues. A phenomenon. That was something that had always fascinated you. “Astonishing, is it not?” the silence broke when he spoke up yet again. You nodded, still gazing outside.

“We will arrive soon.” another voice joined you. The startle from your side could not be stopped. You hated how jumpy you were. Especially during such a situation. The strong, independent woman you usually were was gone. Right now, you were like a little girl, awaiting punishment for misbehavior. Apparently, the Baron was a mind reader because he soothed your worries immediately.

“You did nothing wrong, if that is one of your concerns.” he started. His eyes then flickered to the other man on the private jet. “Thank you, Oeznik.” small smiles were exchanged between the two of them. The assistant disappeared through a door again. Zemo being the only company left.

“Where are we going?” you had to know.

“Somewhere safe. Where nobody can locate me.” as his eyes met yours, he finished. “Us.” your eyebrows furrowed in confusion. His explanation was not helpful at all. You were still left in the dark. Your destination was unknown but he assured you that you would be safe. Zemo would never lie about something so significant. This bugging feeling was still present. If he did not tell you more about the location, maybe he could elucidate this.

“Why me? Why, out of everyone, did you kidnap me?” slight anger was behind your eyes but one could only notice if they looked precisely. The Baron’s head tilted. In amusement, you guessed. His forming smile held a hint of another emotion you could not quite identify.

“Kidnapping is such a harsh word, don’t you think?” was it mockery you could hear? “I believe there is no need for us to repeat our previous conversation. I told you why you’re here.” he stood up from his seat, dragging his body to the very end of the plane. There, he picked up two small glasses. The liquid of the half empty bottle of scotch poured a good amount in both of them. Evidently, one for him & one for you. His hand stretched out towards you & he offered you the drink. You eyed it suspiciously. While you were not one for drinking alcohol, maybe it would assist to calm your nerves. In the end, you reached for it, touching his hand in the process. The skin contact sent an unintended chill down your spine. Goosebumps were forming. The pit of your stomach felt odd. Never before had you experienced such a sensation. Though, & you had to admit that, it was everything but unpleasant. Your body language spoke louder than you would have liked. And it did not go unnoticed by the man in front of you. To avoid an awkward tension, he decided against commenting on your body’s reaction.

The first sip made you wince. A burning sensation washed down your throat. The Baron handled his alcohol way better than you did, that much was obvious. Unfortunately, the liquor did not numb your anxiety right away. The effect was awaited but luck was not on your side. Would it be rude to ask for another drink? The downside was not realizing how strong it was. If you got wasted then Zemo could take advantage of your state. Depended on how he defined taking advantage of you. The conversation that had died down for a while was resurrected. This time, it was you. This shocked not only you but also him.

“I don’t like you.” you stated monotonously.

“I am aware.” he chuckled, taking a sip of his drink.

“You don’t like me either.” one of your eyebrows raised.

“An incorrect assumption.” his hands gestured to emphasize his words. You rolled your eyes, throwing your arms up in frustration.

“A freaking obvious fact.” you breathed out, falling back into your chair. The softness caressed you tenderly. A hum left you & your previous desperation was replaced by some sort of relaxation. Why did your emotions change so quickly? One moment, you were scared. The next, you were furious. Then, you untightened. All in the presence of the man who had kidnapped you.

“What is going through your mind right now?” seemed like he was eager to talk to you. Comfortable silence with Baron Zemo was not possible. It was either awkward or not quiet at all. Your head snapped into his direction. He was deep in thought. Occupied with whatever his mind came up with.

“I-I don’t know.” you were being honest. Spending more time with him meant no lies. At least not about such things. The next question came naturally. “What about you?” one corner of his lips lifted slightly. The first step in the right direction. Deep down, Zemo was aware that you did not exactly hate him. Liking him would be too far but at least, you tolerated him. Accepted his presence.

“I am quite fond of bringing you with me. Sam & James are irritating. Helpful but irritating. You are a delight to be around.” he confessed & you had the urge to call him out on his ridiculous behavior.

“Sounds fake but alright…” your annoyance was audible.

“I beg your pardon?” he abandoned his glass, placing it on the small table nearby. Elbows propped onto his knees & his upper body leaned forward, closer to you. But not close enough to make you feel uncomfortable.

“Ever since we met, we’ve been arguing non-stop. This is the first normal conversation between us.” your fingers pointed to him & then to you, signaling what you were talking about.

“Arguments are not an indicator for antipathy.” Zemo explained.

“Oh, they’re not?” the sarcasm was more than obvious. “What then?”

“They are concealing true emotions, burying your urges deep within.” casually spoken, as if he had prepared this exact speech multiple times before.

“My urges?” you questioned, making fun of his statement.

“Indeed.” he wore a winning smile & you hated the effect it had on you.

“Sure.” you chuckled, shaking your head in disbelief. “My only urge is to punch yo-“ both of your heads turned into the direction of Oeznik who unknowingly interrupted your conversation.

“We’re here.” he claimed, nodding briefly, & left you alone again. By the way his face changed, he looked like he was sorry for bothering the two of you. Truthfully, you were glad that he joined you because without him, you would have said something regrettable.

Paris. He dragged you to France. If your situation were any different, you would have felt excited to be here. Before you exited the private jet, Zemo threatened you. If you had the glorious idea to speak up before you arrived at your destination, you would regret it later. Basically, you thought he would kill you. Of course you had no clue that the Baron would never hurt you in any way. After all, you were a victim of his kidnapping. Whether he called it that or not. The small alleyways were decorated with narrow buildings sitting next to each other. The cobblestone street underlined the atmosphere perfectly. Eyes wide, you were overwhelmed by the impression of the beauty of the sweet town. When one of his hands reached for yours, you did not even flinch back. Because, if you were honest, it felt good. Your intertwined fingers brought you warmth. A feeling that spread out through your entire body. Sparks, almost like the beginning of a firework, started forming. The sun shone brightly. Your eyes closed contently. Hence why you did not notice Zemo watching your every move. He reminisced your features closely. The sunlight brought out the beauty of you in a way that was worth remembering. Your body sensed something. It was in your nature when someone stared at you. Carefully, your eyes opened, showing the (Y/E/C) colors that glowed almost mysteriously in the light. Warm brown ones locked onto yours. The two of you exchanged an honest, almost shy smile.

“What?” your head tilted to the side, observing his face. Looking for a sign. Any sign. But Zemo was a clandestine guy. It was almost impossible to look through him. Something inside you took that as a challenge. Maybe you could make his walls come crashing down. Maybe you were the one to change him. Wait. Why were your thoughts running down that road? He was the person to take you away from your friends. The sympathy that started building up was wrong. That much you knew. Resisting felt like a tough task. What did he say during the flight? Something about pushing down your urges. This was the first time you understood the meaning.

If you thought the town was pretty then the apartment you entered was stunning. It was on the top floor. Spacious, furnished in a minimalist way. Overly white, accentuated with colorful artwork. Special pieces to complete the look of it. It screamed expensive. The process of taking everything in took a few minutes. It was overstraining. In the best way possible. You should screw down your excitement. After all, you were part of an incredibly dangerous situation. But you let his touch linger on your skin. Just for a fraction longer. If you really wanted to, you could have retreated. Something told you that Zemo would not have forced you to hold onto him. That thought alone calmed you down a little further. Technically, he was not a stranger. Throughout the missions you had performed together, with Sam & Bucky, you two had become acquainted with. You were associates, apparently. And associates were not supposed to fear one another. Then again, associates would not kidnap each other. Your body was overthrown with mixed signals. Unknown what was wrong & what was right. Your friends would probably describe you as insane, reckless. Maybe you were. Maybe the last few weeks had formed you into a different type of person. That type who sympathized with a criminal. With a criminal who broke out of a high security jail. Since when had criminals become your type? And why were you starting to think in a very friendly, almost amorous way? Looked like you really were insane.

Who would have thought the Baron to be an excellent chef? Definitely not you. But here he was, preparing a meal for you. This was actually pretty sweet of him. His body behind the stove & his eyes focused on the task. It was a sight for sore eyes. Only, of course, if he were not Zemo you were referring to. While he cooked, you set the table. He assured you that you did not have to but it felt like the right thing to do. It was the least you could do. What were you even saying? He kidnapped you, for God’s sake. Your body, your emotions, should be damned.

“Is this something you do often?” Zemo’s question caught you off guard. For a moment, you halted in your tracks. Cutlery was being put down. A deep breath left your mouth.

“What?” your bewildered expression made him chuckle. Funny to watch your perplexity.

“Living in your head more than in the present.” his proclamation cut through the tension.

“I…um, haven’t realized that, actually.” you answered awkwardly. Your hand raised to the back of your head, resting behind your ear.

“You do. When spending time with Sam & James. And now. It is quite entertaining.” he eyed you closely. It made you slightly uncomfortable.

“Why?” your curiosity got the best of you. That was nothing new. Even before he brought you here, your nosiness was on of your more obvious characteristics.

“Because the light in your eyes shifts. You are more at ease. Not to forget your smile…” Zemo trailed off at the end of his sentence, voice a little softer than usual.

“What about my smile?” you really were curious. Would it be in your favor or not? There was only one way to figure that out.

“It differs from when you are actively engaged in a conversation. The corners of your mouth lift in a softer way. No hesitation or restriction.” he finished, his sparkling brown eyes meeting yours. Due to the embarrassment, you could not keep eye contact. So you averted your gaze, facing the almost empty plate in front of you.

“You talk like you’ve known me forever.” your whispers were almost missed. The tone so quiet, even your racing heart was louder.

“I am simply skilled at reading people. You facilitate that process, actually.” every single word he spoke made so much sense that it almost did not make sense anymore. There was no other way to describe it.

“I do? How?” your constant short questions were amusing to him. On one hand, you wanted to distance yourself from him as much as possible. On the other hand, you inquired every single time he finished talking.

“I assume it is because you do not fear opening up to me & letting me in.” people who did not know your history would have believed you two had been friends for years. By the way he discerned the small, almost unnoticeable details about you. Details you did not even know existed in the first place.

“You assume an awful lot, Baron.” you teased, eyes moving to his face gingerly.

“Tell me I’m wrong.” but you could not. Because it would have been a lie. A smirk made its way onto his face when you did not give him a reply. Unintentionally, you mimicked his expression. He had you. Right here, he had you. And he was not the only one aware of the shift in the situation. You were just as deep in it as he was. It was a game with fire. Who would get burned in the end?

~to be continued~

Published (04/28/2021) by Cathy

Tags: @yallgotkik, @noavengers, @lieutenantn, @birdieofloxley, @aisling1985, @trelaney, @hiddlestoner-cumberbitch, @msmarvelsmain, @friday18eo, @crackerjackharkness, @waiting-for-motivation, @obsessedwithfandomsx, @friday18eo, @bibliophilewednesday, @princess-yuna, @trenton007, @pedropascallovebot, @your-lovers-heart, @stressedoutsteph (thanks for your support <3)

#helmut zemo #helmut zemo x reader #zemo #zemo x reader #baron zemo #baron helmut zemo #baron zemo x reader #daniel brühl #tfatws #the falcon and the winter solider spoilers #the falcon and the winter soldier #sam wilson #bucky barnes #stockhom syndrome #imagine #reader insert #reader imagine #one shot #fanfiction #fanfic #marvel #marvel x reader #mcu #avengers #avengers x reader #marvel imagine #avengers imagine

[amor-immortalem]

You’re Important to Me

Warnings: thoughts and ideations of the un-aliving variety

Genre: Angst but it gets a lil fluffy at the end

Pairing: Mammon x oc

Summary: The way the witches and his brothers treat him leaves Mammon feeling replaceable and unimportant. His human takes it upon herself to try and make him feel better after finding out something heartbreaking.

A/N: since I hit 150 followers either last night or the day before, I figured I would do something a little different for tonight’s post and give y’all a little 2 part fic instead of art. I haven’t written in a long time and this is not proofread so please excuse any typos. I’m a little rusty.

Part 2| Part 3| Part 4

———————————————————————-

Another day full of studying for upcoming exams at RAD completed and Arella couldn’t be more greatful to finally shut her texts books. Sure, she technically didn’t have to meet the same standards as her demon classmates this time around, but if only one thing could be said about Arella, it was that she was a perfectionist at heart. She’d put in the hard work to get the best possible score- seeing the look of surprise on Satan’s face as she scored better than him would be worth it too, as much as a pipe dream that that would be.

With a soft yawn, Arella pushed away from her desk before grabbing a nightshirt she had stolen borrowed from her boyfriend and stumbled to her bathroom for a quick shower. As she brushed her teeth, she could feel a presence enter her room- well more like she could hear him. Mammon was never all that quiet or stealthy to begin with as much as he’d like to claim otherwise.

Peeking out from the small ensuite, she saw the demon sprawled out on her bed, his face buried in her pillows. Something didn’t feel right. Deciding the shower could wait, Arella made her way across the room to where the bed was located.

“Hey,” She started, gently placing a hand on his back to let him know she was there, “I thought you said you’d be out late with the Witches. Did something happen?”

“Not really….” Mammon starts, his voice muffled by the pillows before he turned to face her. “They got all they could get out of me so they jus’ let me go and I wasn’t havin’ a good time anyway so I jus’ came home….”

Arella frowned at his tone. He sounded upset, depressed almost.

“An’ then the moment I walk in the door, Lucifer’s on my ass ‘bout some stupid fuckin’ bill that came in…. So I got to sit there ‘n listen to him go on an’ on about how I’m such a fuck up and what worthless scum I am, not to mention the rest of my brothers took the first chance they could to hop on the bandwagon and I’m….. I’m just so tired.” At this, Mammon flops over onto his back, throwing an arm over his face.

“Mammon…” Her voice is soft, full of concern as tries unsuccessfully to pull his arm away so she could look him in the eyes.

“Arella, Am I important….?” Mammon asks as he tries -but fails- to hide the way his voice cracks. “Would everyone just be happier if I was….. gone?”

Its that question that shatters her heart to tiny fragments.

“Wha- Of course you are, Love. Why would you say that? I know your brothers take things too far sometimes but they’d be devastated if something happened to you. I would be heartbroken if anything happened to you. We all love you so much, Honey….”

“It doesn’t feel like it,” Mammon barked out a laugh that sounded bitter. “Not with the way they rag on me like they do…. Actually, they’d probly be jumpin’ for joy if I were to off myself- don’t know why I ain’t done it already….”

“Mammon, don’t talk like that. You’re scaring me.”

“Its true though. If I take myself out, then they won’t ever have to deal with the consequences when I fuck up. Won’t have to worry ‘bout me stealin’ their shit to get my hands on some extra grimm.

“Stop it right now, please.”

“It’s not like they’d miss me much anyway. You probly would but let’s face it, ya could do so much better than me anyway... Ya know, I got this pills that I swiped the other day, plannin’ ta sell ‘em an’ all but I think-“

“Mammon, stop!” Arella pressed her hands over his mouth to keep him from finishing his sentence “Please. No more….. No…. More.”

She collapsed down to his chest as violent sobs erupted from her. She had lost someone to suicide before, she couldn’t and wouldn’t go through that again- especially not with the person who was most important to her.

“I’m here for you. I will always be here fir you.,” Arella tightened her hold on the demon beneath her, her body still shuddering with each breath she took in a miserable attempt to compose herself. “So please. Please just don’t do it.”

At her tears, the demon could only react with silence. He wasn’t sure what he’d been expecting when letting his feelings out but it wasn’t a reaction like this.

Maybe part of him was hoping for her to agree with him and let her words feed into his terrible mood, or maybe part of him wanted Arella to scold him for daring to even think about taking his own life but there wasn’t any part of him that wanted her to react with sobs and wails, with her begging him not to go through with it.

Slowly, Mammon brought his arms to wrap around her, holding her tight against his chest. They were quiet for a long while as they just held each other.

“I’m….. I’m sorry….” Mammon was the first to speak, to break the silence that had suddenly become suffocating. “I don’t know what I was talking about….”

Arella didn’t reply right away, choosing instead to hold him just a little tighter a bit long.

“Do you feel better now that you’ve talked about what’s going through your mind?” She lifted her head from its place on his chest to look him in the eyes for the first time that night.

She smiled softly as he nodded, leaning down to press a kiss to his cheek. “You’re so important both to your brothers and to me. There’s no one like you in the all of the three realms. If you weren’t here our lives would be so much darker and so much more boring, do you know that?”

“Yeah, I doubt that.”

“No it’s true,” Arella hums, as she pushes his hair back and places a peck to his forehead. “You want to know something else?”

“What?” Mammon arches a brow, “if it’s something cheesy, I’m leaving.”

Arella laughs at that. “I love you more than anything in this life or the next, and, no, you’re staying in here where I can see you.”

“What? C’mon, babe, I won’t do anything stupid, so don’t worry ‘bout me. And the last thing I need is Lucifer gettin’ at me because I spent the night in here when I shoulda been in my room.”

“Then I won’t give you a choice.” She starts matter of factly, “I’m invoking our pact. You’re sleeping in my room tonight where I can keep you close and pamper you all night. Also you’re going to tell me where you’ve hidden those pills you were talking about earlier and if their in one of your safes, you’re going to tell me the combination to it.”

“Arella, I-“ he groaned starting to complain

“No. This is important, Baby. I’m doing this because I care. Not to mention if Lucifer were to somehow find you in possession of those pills….. his rage would be so great that not even I would be able to stand between you two.”

Another moment of silence happened between them as Arella’s orders went into effect. Mammon let out a soft, discontented growl before finally breaking the silence.

“Fiiiiine. They’re in the safe that’s hidden in my pool table. The combination it 0127. Happy?”

“Very.” She replies cheerily. “Now, you’d better get comfortable, sir, because I’m going to remind The Great Mammon just how amazing, how wonderful , how special, and how loved he is.”

“Whatever, you dork, jus’ get off a me so I can move to a better spot.” He huffed as he shifted around under her, trying to hide the faint blush was already threatening to make itself at home of his cheeks.

———————————————————————-

Masterlist 2

#tw: suicidal thoughts #tw: suicide ideation #obey me #obey me shall we date #obey me swd #obey me! shall we date? #obey me mammon #om! mammon #mammon #mammon angst #mammon fluff #obey me oc #om! oc #f!mc #obey me f!mc #om! f!mc #obey me angst

[fanfic-me-up]

All The Colors We Cannot See {Bakugou x Reader}

Synopsis: He sees you in the colors that light the sky, and longs for you in the darkness that follows.

Pairing: Pro Hero! Bakugou Katsuki x fem! reader

Warnings: attempted suicide, suicidal thoughts, language

Word Count: 4k+

A/N: This took me like 9 months to complete, but it’s finally here. I didn’t completely stick to the request, but this is what came out. I still hope you like it! Banner made by my amazingly talented friend, go follow her @jm.rvice on instagram! 💖

💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥

Blood pumps to his legs. Cement pounds his feet. Bits of rubble catch in his boots. The first spark of the night shoots up- swallowed whole by the black sky. A trail of embers remains in its wake. 

Katsuki stops. And waits.

A second passes- the crowd silent in anticipation. No one can see the spark, but everyone knows it’s there… waiting…  for the right time to explode. And just when the darkness thinks it has won, an enormous burst of light blankets the sky. In that moment, it’s so bright that Katsuki can see the skyline. Like paint splattered on a blank canvas, the sky now bleeds in red, and the explosion leaves an imprint the size of a supernova long after it’s gone. 

The crowd applauds. 

A roar is ripped from Katsuki’s throat. He pounds at the brick wall again and again, despite blood trickling down his fists. He rips his cochlear and smashes it against the wall. A sick satisfaction settles within him. The ringing that greets him is like a devil sucking on the lobe, whispering tempestuous nothings into his ear. 

Katsuki continues his ascent, taking steps by three until he reaches the top. The poor door is yanked off its hinges, but it doesn’t even cross Katsuki’s mind as he’s hit by everything all at once. Smoke slithers down his throat, roasted yakitori wafts up his nose, the rhythmic booms caress his ear, and the lavender shaded sky comforts his eyes. From up here, the people below remind Katsuki of the dots he used to see after he ignited a big explosion- how the dots blur, mix, and separate in one fluid motion again and again. 

His phone ringing is a distant echo. They’re looking for him no doubt, but who the hell cares. Not like they’d find him up here. This was yours and Katsuki’s place.

-------------------------------------------------------

He’d blow himself up if he missed even a second. 

His lungs burned. They ached for a clean breath, yet inhaled the stench of nitroglycerin-like sweat. He could’ve just blasted himself to the top and saved himself the trouble, but fuck. That. Katsuki thrived on a challenge. He loved the rush of adrenaline more than his own mother. (He’d never tell her that- she’d kill him before he reached this goddamn roof.)

He threw himself against the door in time to see the first burst of citrine hit the sky. But he also saw you, a trespasser, standing on the ledge and looking like you were about to kill yourself. You didn’t flinch at the sonic boom (like most people) nor cringe at the heat. It was like you thought the beauty outweighed its destruction. 

All that said you were fucking stupid.

“Oi! Get down from there!” 

You were immersed in skylight, and though your back was turned, Katsuki knew you were staring up in awe; your eyes reminiscent of glassy pools reflecting red, yellow, blue and all the possibilities they create. 

“Fuckin’ hell…” Katsuki muttered. He just wanted to enjoy the show in his spot. Alone. Like he did every year. “Oi, lady! You wanna kill yourself? Do it on some other roof dammit!” 

You jumped at the blasted words, losing your balance and falling off the ledge. Katsuki expected you to scream, to gasp, to cry... anything but fucking wink on your way down like playing with death is just some fucking game. But Katsuki had no time to think before he blasted himself across the roof to grab your hand- but you didn’t need it. You threw a safety line in mid-air, hooked it to the ledge with skillful precision, and used the leverage to hurl yourself back up. You landed on the ledge like a ballerina tip-toeing on a tightrope. The sheer turn of events rendered Katsuki speechless. 

 “Phew! That was fun! Let’s do it again sometime, yeah?” You wrapped the safety chord before bouncing up to Katsuki.

The fuck?

How did you…? 

 You didn’t seem to notice Katsuki’s loss for words.

“I’ve never met someone with a quirk like yours. You could put on your very own firework show!”

You tried grabbing his hand, but Katsuki’s growl stopped you. The flickers popping in his hands were a sign to back the fuck off.

You’re scared. Good, Katsuki thought.

“Sorry, sorry, I’m a bit of a pyro.” You sheepishly smiled, twirling a pink and yellow band around your finger. (You’d later twirl your wedding ring the same way.) 

Katsuki’s growl cut in its tracks. You weren’t scared like he thought, in fact, you looked lost in his sparks- your eyes zooming back and forth, trying to catch each and every one. Katsuki killed his sparks, causing you to look up at him in disappointment.

“I can’t. Mine don’t change color,” he muttered. 

Fireworks always fascinated Katsuki. As a child, he wished his explosions could change color. He imagined people looking up in awe when his sparks rained down. They’d recognize the power and the beauty.

“Hmm…color is what makes a firework...” you trailed off.

“No shit,” Katsuki snorted. How stupid are you? 

“Hold out your hands.” 

Katsuki crossed his arms, “No.”

“Oh, c’mon! Gimme your hands!” You bounced up and down, overcome with excitement. Katsuki stepped back but immediately stopped himself because Bakugou Katsuki never backs down. 

“I’m not giving you anything, woman. You’re fuckin’ weird for jumpin’ off roofs and asking for stranger’s hands. Stay the fuck away from me. In fact, this is my fuckin’ roof. Find your own.” Katsuki looked down to see his hands popping. It must’ve happened on instinct- a defense mechanism to scare off the extras who won’t leave him the fuck alone. 

Except it didn’t work on you. You only came closer. 

“Do you want to burn in color or not?” 

Katsuki saw flashes of himself in your eyes everytime a firework went off. A hunger burned in the pit of his stomach- one he’s felt countless times during battle, but this one was different. This strange warmth made him feel like jumping off the roof himself, and if he put all his might into it, he could brush the spark of a firework from fifty feet above.

“Yes,” he said. 

“Then you’re gonna have to trust me.”

“Trust you!?” Katsuki shook his head, “I don’t even know you!”

“That’s half the fun, isn’t it?” You giggled, “Now hold still.” 

Katsuki grumbled how ridiculous this was, and that whatever you tried wouldn’t work, but you ignored him in favor of pulling his hands and laying them face up. You nodded and Katsuki sighed, activating his quirk anyway because what the hell.

You’re entranced from the moment flickers popped, one by one, in his hands. They died as quickly as they were born, but still left their mark in the air. 

Katsuki’s sparks faltered as cool fingertips brushed against his wrist. 

“It’s okay, keep going,” you encourage, and he does. 

He can’t pinpoint exactly when the change happened. Like all change, he blinked and suddenly his sparks burned in color. Angry red, rooted in tormented crimson, ravished the usual, boring, orange of his sparks. 

Katsuki laughed in disbelief because how is this real? Yellow began to flicker in and out of the red, until it finally caught like a flame and engulfed the red like a warm blanket. Pink and light green began to swirl around the yellow, and the firework show Katsuki had been looking forward to all year didn’t hold a candle to the fireworks fluttering in the palms of his hands.

Katsuki looked up at you. 

Who the fuck are you? 

You giggled at his awed expression, “Our very own firework show.”

And that’s how you spent the rest of the night. His hands in yours while he burned in color for the first time.

Katsuki later discovered you could read emotions through auras. The aura becomes visible, allowing you to color a person’s quirk.

He also discovered that you didn’t need to hold his hand for it to work.

-------------------------------------------------------

A round of fireworks triggers the ringing in Katsuki’s ear. He throws his head back in ecstasy and prays the sensation tickles his eardrum for a little longer- enough to shut the part of his brain that keeps remembering you. 

Katsuki pulls the pistol out. The leather grip, so slick with sweat, that Katsuki has to wipe his hand to make sure he doesn’t accidentally set off his quirk. 

He’s not an amateur. He’s held a gun before. Every pro-hero has to undergo weapons training, but he’s never used one in combat. His quirk was always more than enough. But there’s something inherently dangerous about a gun. His quirk is an extension of himself, but a gun is a separate entity altogether- and it was designed to kill. 

Growing up, adults would praise Katsuki for his quirk. They’d say, “With a quirk like that, you’re destined to become a hero!” But they were still afraid to get too close. They saw his quirk as a weapon that was designed to destroy. And soon enough, Katsuki became the embodiment of just that. But he always felt incomplete. He wanted to be a hero like All Might. One that people looked up to- in awe of their power, not in fear of it.

That’s why he loved fireworks. The only explosion that makes people stop and stare, instead of running away, in fear for their lives.

You were the first and only person to see the beauty in his quirk.

-------------------------------------------------------

“What’s your favorite color?” 

Such a basic question that Katsuki should already have the answer to. But color meant so much more to you. You saw the world in a way that made everyone else seem colorblind. 

You twirled that same pink and yellow band around your finger as Katsuki twirled the ring in his pocket. You leaned in closer, basking in the warmth radiating from Katsuki. He watched how your eyes never left the sky, and he was content with missing the show if it meant he can watch you instead. He caught glimpses of you only when lit by a firework. He made sure not to blink during those moments else he’d miss you. Your expressions mixed and swirled as the fireworks continued, but you never lost the primary color of mesmerization painting your face.

“Blue,” you said. Katsuki had to lean in to listen; your voice an ember in a sea of fire. “But not sky blue like on a sunny day. It’s nice, but I much prefer the darker washes of blue, deep like sapphire.”

Blue, the color of sadness. 

“Why blue?” Katsuki asked. The ring in his pocket danced between his fingers.

You turned back to the fireworks. You always made sure to think before you speak when answering a question that mattered.

“Because there’s always an interesting story behind an aura of such sorrow, more importantly, there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel.”

“So your favorite color isn’t blue, it’s yellow,” Katsuki cut in, but you shook your head.

“There’s nowhere to go but down with yellow. Yellow is the epitome of brightness and joy, and when you crash during the high, you crash hard. But when you’re drowning in deep blue, as I’ve seen many people do, you’re at the lowest of lows- you really can’t get any lower in this life. But when an aura- and I’ve only seen this once- when an aura changes from the deepest of sapphire to sunrise yellow- well it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”

The twirling of the ring in his pocket stopped. 

“That is why I believe blue is the true color of hope,” you whispered.

-------------------------------------------------------

Katsuki should feel the smooth texture of leather as he grips the gun in his hand. He should feel the weight of the gun as he brings it to his temple. But he’s numb to it all. It’s like an invisible string, pulling at his muscles, directing his body how to move. His mind goes blank for the first time, and all the inner-turmoil he’s been unable to escape just straight up… stops. It’s like he’s floating in a body of water with no current. Complete and utter stillness.

It scares the fuck outta him, but it feels good. 

As he’s about to turn the safety off, his phone rings again, snapping him back to reality. Katsuki guts his phone.

“Die!” 

The phone slides down the door like a dead pidgeon. 

“God-fuckin’-damn it...” He pushes the barrel back to his temple, craving that mind-numbing stillness once more. Anything to stop the feelings that just won’t seem to go away. 

The fireworks crescendo as the show reaches its climax. The colors begin to mix and blur together so much that it becomes too convoluted to look at. An infinite regress of color swirling in Katsuki’s mind.

-------------------------------------------------------

You glowed on purpose so Katsuki could find you. He spotted you from miles away, like a beacon of light in the middle of a storm. The melancholic blue of your aura contrasted against the raging reds that painted the sky.

Katsuki ran. He pushed and pushed past his limit, harder than any battle he’s fought in. He could’ve made it if he used his quirk, but he was in a crowded marketplace with too many people. He ripped off his gauntlets and threw them in a random alley. He immediately gained speed. A couple more feet and one minute left.

He should’ve saved his breath. If he did, he would’ve caught you in time. But he had to make sure you knew he was there. You looked down at the sound of your name. He could barely make out your face, but you saw him. He knew you saw him because your aura changed from that melancholic blue to sunrise yellow in an instant. Everyone around him gasped at the flood of light emanating from above. 

You were right. It was the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen.

If Katsuki produced a strong enough blast, he could make his way to the top and get you out before the bomb went off. At this point, he didn’t care who else might get hurt in the process. Next to him, Kirishima knew what Katsuki was thinking. He hardened himself to block Katsuki’s takeoff.

“Don’t do it, bro.”

“Get outta my way.”

“You can’t make it.”

“Yes I can.”

“You’ll both die.”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP” Katsuki pushed him away, and prepared to blast himself, when two other heroes stepped in to hold him down, but no one stood a chance when Katsuki goes feral. Explosions erupted, not enough to seriously hurt, but enough to get people to back the fuck off. Even Kirishima (whose quirk is to literally be a human barricade) was having trouble blocking Katsuki. One more blast was enough to send Kirishima back and Katsuki used that half a second to blast off. But suddenly he couldn’t. He tried and he tried, but his quirk refused to work. A growl escaped from low in his throat as he whipped his head around, trying to find the cause to his problem so he could decimate it. 

Target acquired. 

Katsuki was about to march right up to his high school homeroom teacher and deck him right in his fuckin’ face, but before he could, he was held down once again.

He couldn’t fight three pro-heroes off without his quirk. He couldn’t get to you without his quirk. All Katsuki could do was look up and watch you die. 

Five seconds left.

He saw it in your face. The moment you realized he wouldn’t be able to save you. The yellow of your aura growing dimmer and dimmer.

Three.

You smiled through your tears.

Two.

And winked. 

One.

Then closed your eyes as you took your last breath.

The darkness that followed was unbearable.

A cacophonous wail erupted from Katsuki’s throat- loud enough to go up against any explosion. He couldn’t help but fall to his knees, unable to hold himself up any longer. He still wasn’t able to use his quirk and that only frustrated him more. 

He’d never felt so helpless in his life.

-------------------------------------------------------

He hardly uses his quirk anymore because he sees you in the sparks. He’s got no drive to be Number 1 if you’re not here to watch him do it. His will to live is gone without you and that scares the fuck outta him. He hates you for filling his head with ridiculous bullshit. He hates you for opening his mind to the possibility of love, and hope, and shit that shouldn’t matter but it fuckin’ does for some goddamn reason. He hates you. He hates you. He hates you.

That same cacophonous wail erupts from his very core. The gun falls from his hands, to the ground. It could’ve gone off at that moment and Katsuki would never know. 

His focus zeroes on his hands. How tense they get when he flexes them, how the vein protrudes from his wrist, and how his glands secrete sweat from his palms. He points them to the sky, and a familiar rush of power, that he hasn’t felt in months, surges through him. His blood boils from under his skin and he’s literally shaking from the intensity. Like a volcano spewing hot-blooded lava after an eternity of dormancy, he shoots blinding white heat into the black night.

The color from the fireworks surround his explosions as if they’re echoing his sentiment. Hot red dominates the sky- reminding Katsuki of the sky that night. This causes Katsuki to rattle off explosions quicker, setting off one after another in a staccato rhythm. The crimson sky ravishes all other color. 

If only he saved his breath. If only he’d taken off his gauntlets sooner. If only he ran a little faster. If only he blasted himself a second earlier. If only he didn’t stay back at work that day. If only he turned right instead of left at that goddamn intersection. If only he picked up the ingredients for your favorite meal the day before so he could go straight home. If only he didn’t have to drive back to the market because he fuckin’ forgot the milk again. If only he decided it was still worth it to pick you up from work early like he planned. If only he cared more about your anniversary than about cracking Top 10. If only he went to more of your art shows instead of taking extra patrols. If only he went on that trip to New York with you instead of cancelling last minute because the agency needed him. If only he realized that you meant more to him than being Number 1 before it was too late.

Little by little the crimson wash is buried by the black night and Katsuki’s eyes hurt just staring into the black abyss. It’s suffocating him, weighing his chest down and making it hard to breathe. It’s enough to drop him to his knees, just like he did that night.

You and Katsuki had long talks about your future plans. How you fit into his life, and how he fit into yours. When you’d be able to properly settle down and have kids. You accepted that the first couple years into his career would be the toughest on your marriage. Katsuki would spend more time at the agency than at home with you. Relationships with pro-heroes were like that. But you respected his ambitions. You understood the amount of time that was required to fulfill those ambitions. You never held it over him, never guilted him into spending more time with you, and never made him choose between you or his career. You loved him enough to share him with the rest of the world. You were never each other’s other halves. Instead, you co-existed as separate individuals who made the best team Katsuki’s ever been a part of. 

Yellow begins to flicker in and out, but it’s muted behind the black veil of regret. The more Katsuki thinks of your empathy and your love, the stronger the yellow becomes. It finally brightens the black sky, to the point that Katsuki almost has to cover his eyes because it’s like looking into the sun in the middle of the day. 

And that’s when it clicks.

He’s burning in color.

You must be conducting this masterpiece from above, using the sky as your canvas and coloring the emotions coming from within him.

He kills his explosions as quickly as he fired them. The fireworks come to an end at the same time. The crowd’s cheers is a fly on the wall to Katsuki.

He falls back, lying flat on the ground and looking up at the sky still shaded in yellow. His chest heaves as he tries to get his breathing back to normal, and the sloppy mixture of sweat and tears continue to slide down his face. The cool breeze is a blessing against the nape of his neck.

He struggles to hold his hands up, they shake as he brings them up to his face. He reignites his quirk with the last bit of strength. The sparks lack their usual vigor as they flutter lazily in his palms. They remind him of fireflies swirling in a jar. For once, the orange doesn’t piss him off. 

Has anyone else seen his quirk like this? When he’s not trying to intimidate or take down a villain? The only person he could think of was you. Maybe his quirk wouldn’t be seen as a weapon, maybe he wouldn’t be seen as a villain, if the world saw what he’s seeing right now.

Katsuki sits in this revelation, and the calm that washes over him is nothing like the numbness from before. He’s far from being okay, and he still longs for you in these moments, but Katsuki has a hunch that if you were here right now - holding his hands in yours- his sparks would be burning in your favorite color. And he’s okay with that.

“That is why I believe blue is the true color of hope.”

Katsuki’s phone goes off even in its broken state. His eyes dart between the phone and the gun. He groans as he gets up. His limbs, heavy, after exerting himself. He picks up his phone.

“Hey. Yeah, man, I’m fine, don’t worry about it.” 

Katsuki’s about to hang up when he takes a look at the gun. A reminder of what he was about to do. A decision he could never come back from.

 If things turned out different, he would not be here right now.  

Just the thought is enough to make Katsuki slide down the wall. He takes a deep breath- his heart beating rapidly at what he’s about to admit aloud for the first time.

“Actually, I’m not okay. I need you to come get me.”

-------------------------------------------------------

The Plus Ultra Chronicle

Musutafu Tower Attack: 06/18/2020

WHEN HOPE PREVAILS:

A DAY OF REMEMBRANCE

By: Yamamoto Ichika

06/18/2021

Today marks the one year anniversary of the 2020 Musutafu Tower Attack. Hundreds gathered this morning in remembrance of the lives lost that night. Several people who’ve lost loved ones in the attack have already come forward with statements.

Of those people, Number 7 Hero, Dynamight, has chosen to sit down with The Plus Ultra Chronicle for an all-exclusive interview. His late wife, Bakugou Y/N, was among the citizens that were held hostage that night. After taking a year sabbatical, he has decided to return to the field of pro-hero work. Here is a snippet of that interview; you can find the full interview here. 

“Thank you, Dynamight, for sitting down with us. It is truly an honor. The people want to know- what are your thoughts on what occurred that night? Can you take us through what happened?”

“It was hard on us all. Whether you were at home watching on a screen or out there in person. All of us heroes felt like sh*t- unable to do anything. It’s even worse when you had a personal attachment to a victim like I did.”

“It must’ve been difficult as a hero- having to make quick decisions that forced you to separate your personal life from the objectivity of the situation.”

“If I’m being honest, I couldn’t, and it took a toll on me.”

“Is that why you took the sabbatical?”

“Yes. I constantly questioned the validity of my title. Whether or not I deserved to be called a ‘hero’ if I couldn’t save the one person I vowed to always protect.”

“You’ll be returning to the field next month, and with a new addition to your hero costume. An amulet of what looks to be a blue-colored spark attached to the left side of your chest. It stands out against the black, orange, and green of your costume. What is the meaning of this?” 

“When I was at my lowest, my failures were all I could see. But someone once told me that you can’t get any lower when you’re at that point. The only real change you can make is to acknowledge and move forward.” 

“A symbol of hope is definitely something we all need right now. What made you decide to finally give an official statement?”

“It is my responsibility to protect the citizens of Japan so this never happens again. But I also think it is important for people to see the shortcomings of the heroes they look up to. We’re human too. We f*ck up. I used to think that made someone weak. Now, I see it as part of the journey. The testament of a true hero.”

#bakugou x reader #bakugo x reader #bakugou katsuki x reader #bakugo katsuki x reader #bakugou angst #bnha #bnha fanfic #bnha imagine #katsuki bakugou x reader #bakugou katsuki angst #katsuki bakugou angst #bakugou imagine #bakugou katsuki scenarios #bnha angst #bakugou katsuki #bnha bakugou #mha x reader #mha imagines #mha fanfic #mha angst #bakugou x y/n #katsuki bakugo fanfiction #katsuki bakugo x reader #katsuki bakugo oneshot #katsuki bakugo scenario #katsuki bakugo fic #bakugou x you #tw: suicide #tw: suicidal thoughts #tw: attempted suicide

[fearfully-fiction]

St. Albans pt.2- Dakota Laden x Reader

word count: 3786

warnings: fluff? angstish. TW: mentions of suicide (if any of you feel this way at all i really do encourage you to talk to somebody. it’s a hard thing to do, it can be scary but a lot of the time holding things in is scarier. call a hotline please, talk to somebody know you’re so loved and needed by so many. I'm here for you, I love you all)

Summary: based on season 1 episode 4 of DF so all credit to the crew, the dhow and the channel! Reader and the team head into the sanatorium and begin to explore. Reader gets increasingly worried for Dakota and her friends.

part1! part3! part4!

(not my gif!)

You awoke to Dakota gently shaking you to rouse you from your sleep. 

“Babe, we’re close to the location. It’s time to get up ok,” he informed you. You groaned sleepily and he chuckled while smoothing your messy hair. “How close?” you asked. 

“About ten minutes.” he kissed your forehead and chuckled when you rolled away from him. “Alright, alright I’m up.” you declared as you reluctantly stood up and stretched. He walked towards you and wrapped his arms around you. You leaned into his embrace and he placed his cheek atop your head. He let go and went to sit with the others as you headed to the bathroom to fix your hair and try not to look like you just woke up from a 30-year coma. 

You walked out and smiled at them all, “Hey guys, are you excited?” you asked. 

“Well, that’s definitely not the word I would use for it. I’m more freaked out than excited.” Tanner answered your question. “I’m fucking terrified, you and I haven’t been there before. Dude I’m freaking out.” Alex spoke up and you nodded your head vigorously. They all chuckled at your reactions. “Yeah, I know I said you could handle yourselves but damn, I am still worried,” you admitted to them. “We’ll be alright babe,” Dakota reassured and put his arm across the back of the seat and this time you leaned into him. You reached over your shoulder and interlocked your fingers with his, and he smiled down at you. Chelsea noticed this and smiled softly at her little brother. 

--

Everything was silent as you came upon the building you’d be staying in for the night, you could see the look of anger and annoyance on Chelsea’s face as she shook her head. 

 You exited the RV with all of your gear, and you stood next to Chelsea giving her hand a squeeze to let her know you were there for her. She looked at you with a grateful smile and you nudged her shoulder playfully. 

You walked up the steps and into the old building letting out a heavy sigh as you assessed your surroundings. You all set up your gear room quickly, wanting to get started with the night as quickly as possible. Though you dreaded the hours ahead of you, you couldn’t help your idiotic curiosity. 

“Now we’re about to walk through St. Albans Sanatorium for the second time in our lives.” your boyfriend announced to the audience. You and Alex gave each other a look as if silently communicating how crazy Dakota was for doing this. 

“Should we get started?” you asked “I’ll leave it up to Chelsea,” Dakota gave his sister the decision. 

You turn towards Chels, ready to hear her answer. “Where do you want to start?” He asked. She contemplated for a few seconds before deciding to go upstairs. “Let’s go upstairs,” you all agreed. “Let’s go up, then work our way down.” your boyfriend said. “Alright, here we go.” you huffed. 

You all slowly made your way up the stairs with you falling to the back of the group. Letting your eyes try and adjust to the dark, and the small screen showing your surroundings. You stepped up the last step and up onto the second floor and continued down the hallway with your small flashlights illuminating small portions of it. Alex noticed you weren’t in front of him and stopped. You didn’t notice him stop and ran into him and jumped. “Shit!” you yelped and it caused everyone to let out shouts. They all turned towards you with wide eyes Dakota making his way towards you.” Are you ok? What happened?” he shot out questions. Your eyes were wide but suddenly you let out a laugh. When you realized you had just run into Alex, your laughter made everyone look at you in confusion. “What are you laughing about?” Tanner asked while letting out a heavy sigh. “I just ran into Alex that’s all. I didn’t see that he had stopped. I’m sorry everyone.” you let out small giggles as you apologized. They all looked at you and sighed in relief. “You scared the crap out of me,” Chelsea spoke up. “I’m sorry Chels.” you gave a shy shrug. “Why did you stop Al?” you asked. “I didn’t see you in front of me and got worried,” he admitted. “Aw, well I’m ok. Just fell to the back of the pack that’s all,” you said and nudged him with your shoulder. “Ok, that’s not happening come up here,” Tanner said and grabbed your wrist to gently pull you in front of him and Alex. 

Chelsea reached out to grab your hand and keep you next to her. 

You all stopped in the middle of the second floor with Dakota asking if anyone was up there. Everything was quiet and then a loud clatter happened from above you, all of you jumped and you squeezed Chelsea’s hand. 

“That was up there,” Tanner spoke. “That was up on the third floor.” your boyfriend jumped in. 

Tanner began to walk up the stairs but quickly came back down. “Dude, there was another step.” he spit out. “What seriously?” you questioned while backing up a bit. He nodded his head, and you shook your head. “No way in hell, am I going up there,” you announced. 

Tanner stepped forward once again to go up the stairs. You always did wonder how he could do that. “How do you have the courage to do this right now?” Dakota asked in disbelief, pretty much stating your thoughts. 

Dakota looked at you all before following Tanner up the stairs. “These boys are gonna be the death of us I swear Chelsea. Your brother is crazy,” you stated quietly. “Tell me about it, you’re the one who is dating him,” she said. “Touche,” you replied. 

When you reached the third floor you pulled your jacket tighter around you and spoke up. “It’s so much colder up here.”

“Isn’t heat suppose to rise?” Your boyfriend concluded your thought.

“Yeah,” Tanner responded. “This is weird,” Dakota said. 

Then out of nowhere another loud noise was heard. You jumped and grabbed Dakota’s arm. 

“Whoa, whoa what the hell was that!?” you exclaimed. “What? What is it?” Chelsea questioned hurriedly. 

Tanner moved backward and away from the door. 

“That was behind you. That was right behind you!” Dakota called out.  You buried your face in your boyfriend’s arm. “No way. No way. No way. I am not going up there, Kota.” he turned toward you and pulled you into a hug while kissing your head. “I’ll be right there babe, I won’t let anything hurt you ok?” you look up at him and can see the sincerity in his eyes though the light is barely enough to make anything out. You nodded your head, “Ok…” you agree. 

He reached down to give your hand a squeeze before turning back to face the doorway. Another creak sounded and made you all jump. 

“Is there someone up there?” Chelsea wondered aloud. 

So Dakota asked the question. "Is there somebody up here?” 

“Honest to God. Is there someone up here?” He questioned once again. 

Tanner called out. “Hey! Quiet!”  you all waited with bated breath for a few seconds before Dakota decided to continue. 

“Just beware you guys. This is, like, one of the more haunted floors, too,” he explained and walked behind Tanner who was now leading the group. Chelsea walked a bit ahead of you and you stayed back with Alex. “Hey Al, you doing ok?” you asked your best friend. 

He turned his camera down to look at you. “I’m doing ok. Not exactly having fun, but what’s new, ya know?” he answered you. You chuckled and agreed with a nod. “I totally understand. I just hope this isn’t our ‘last stop’.” you joked lightly trying to get a smile out of him. “Oh, wow that really helped ease my conscience (y/n).” he tossed back at you. 

You looked ahead of you. “Oh, shit we’re being left behind,” you said and jogged ahead with Alex behind you. You heard from down the hallway. 

“Oh, my god, it’s the suicide bathroom!” you hear Tanner exclaim. You get to where they are and look in disbelief at the room where people decided to end their lives. It made you so sad, knowing that people went there because they didn’t want to live anymore. (if any of you feel this way, please talk to someone. Don’t hold it in let someone help you, don’t be scared or ashamed to ask for help it’s a really brave thing to do. I’m here for you if you ever just want to talk. I love you all) 

“That’s where it’s coming from,” Tanner explained. “So, what just happened?” Your boyfriend asked. You came in and stood by Chelsea. 

“Well, to be honest, it actually sounded like there was an actual person walking around here,” he explained to everyone what he thought it was. “That’s what it sounded like to me too,” you stated. “But there’s no one here,” he said. 

“That’s weird,” Dakota said. “Yeah, it really is.” you agreed. 

Chelsea sat on the chair outside of the bathroom while Dakota headed in to check it out. 

You stood outside by her. “Chels, this place…” you trailed off. “I can’t explain it. It’s just, it’s so sad Chelsea.” you expressed to her. You felt tears come to your eyes. She reached for your hand and held it comfortingly. “I know, it’s so sad up here.” she agreed with you. 

You looked around with your camera and showed the old walls encasing the intense energy from the spirits that still lingered there. 

You heard your boyfriend speak from inside the bathroom. “Woah. my ear is just ringing,”  he said. “Really?” Tanner asked. You furrowed your brows. 

“Dakota, are you ok?” you questioned with worry in your voice. 

“Oh,” Dakota’s jaw cracked. 

“Ooh, I just heard your jaw crack,” Tanner said

“That was weird.” your boyfriend said.

 You moved from your position and walked toward the bathroom. You politely asked Tanner if you could get by and moved forward to your boyfriend’s side. “Babe, are you ok?” you asked while placing your hand on his shoulder and rubbing up and down his arm in a comforting manner.  “Yeah, I’m ok it’s just weird that’s all,” he said. 

Tanner moved away from the doorway, and you turned your flashlight on. You reached your hand up and placed it on Dakotas cheek, gently running your thumb over his jaw. “You sure babe, do you need a break?” you asked affection and worry blatant in your tone. 

“No, no I’ll be ok,” he reassured you and kissed your head. “You better be telling the truth, Dakota Laden,” you warned him. “I am, I’ll be ok I promise,” he said and you leaned up to kiss his jaw before nodding and turning to exit the small bathroom. 

You walked out and joined the rest of the group. You all decided that it was a good time to take a seat and see if you could communicate with anything/anyone. 

“Alright. So right now. We are sitting on the ground right next to the suicide bathroom, Which is behind Tanner and (y/n).”  Dakota said. You looked around the room hoping to make something out in the dark. 

“Rebecca, are you here?” He spoke up once again. You were just thinking in your head about how hard her situation was. Once again tears came to your eyes, and your chest began to feel heavy. 

You tried to calm your breathing before speaking. “Rebecca, if you’re here, I want to tell you how sorry I am that you went through all of the things you did.” you let out with a shaky breath. You could feel Tanner’s eyes shift over to you. The room was silent. “(y/n), are you ok?” he asked and placed a hand on your back. You jumped at his touch but sighed in relief when you realized it was just him. You cleared your throat. “Um, yeah… I just, it’s so sad up here. I can’t even imagine how she felt.” you relayed your thoughts for the group. “I know, it’s so heavy in here. I can’t begin to even try to understand all of this.” Chelsea spoke. You wiped your tears and tried to calm yourself down. Silence ran rampant in the room, all of you sitting and hoping for a response. 

After a while, Dakota spoke up. 

“It’s weird though, like,  we came up here, we heard a bunch of noises just at the top of the stairs right there. and we get to the bathroom here and it’s just silent.” you nod though he can’t see you. 

“I don’t know what that means.” he finished. 

You sat for a few more seconds before you all decided it was time to move on. Tanner got up first and held out his hand to help you up. You gladly took it and thanked him. 

The flashlights were turned on again to head downstairs. Tanner looked down at you with a careful look in his eyes. You could feel his protectiveness canvassing the area as he stood by you. “Are you ok (y/n)? I know it was especially hard for you up there,” he asked with a protective hand resting on your shoulder. “I think so. I don’t know why it hit me so hard, it just all of a sudden came crashing down on me,” you answered genuinely. He wrapped his arm around you in a side hug. “I’m not sure either, but it will be ok,” he reassured you and you hugged him back before following the others down the stairs. 

“Well, let’s take the staircase down to the electroshock therapy room,” Dakota instructed before heading down the stairs first, Chelsea went next, and Tanner followed her. After them, you headed down as well which left Alex to the back of the pack. When you got down the stairs you turned around to check on him and make sure he was doing ok seeing as neither of you had been there before. “You ok?” you checked on him. “Yeah, I’m doing ok. How are you doing? It was pretty rough for you up there.” “I’m ok now, it was just so heavy up there it was hard to think about all that had happened in that room.” he nodded. “Yeah, I agree.” 

“I still can’t believe we agree to this shit.” He said quietly to you, and you chuckled softly. “I know, we really need to set some boundaries.” you joked. “I don’t understand us,” he said while shaking his head. “Neither do I Al, neither do I.” You trailed off with a smile on your face and a shake of your head. 

“Oh gosh, it’s heavier down here,” Dakota stated as you all hit the bottom of the staircase. “This is the electroshock therapy room. I remember this place.” you all wandered into the room where you ended up next to Dakota. “Oh, the hospital bed,” he said and you turn your camera to show the bed. It gave you chills knowing how many people were hurt and tortured down there. 

“People had to endure this…” you breathed out. “It’s torture.” Dakota turned to look at you silently assessing your state, wanting to make sure you were doing ok. 

He nudged your arm and began to walk around the bed to make room for everybody else. You followed suit and once again stood by his side feeling the safest next to him. 

You decided to be the one to ask. 

“Is there anyone down here with us?” the question left your lips and hung in the air. You once again got no responses and decided to move forward with the investigation. 

Dakota made sure to keep you closer to him than he had been, seeing as he was getting a bad feeling as you went further into the building. 

He held his camera with one hand and juggled his flashlight in the other while trying to grab your hand as well as hold the light. It almost made a smile break out on your face as he desperately tried to make it work. Instead, you decided to hold onto his wrist so he could keep the light in his hand. He looked down at you and smiled. “I think that’s a solution that will suffice,” you said and let your thumb gently rest over where you could feel his steady pulse beneath his skin. 

You continued on your way. 

“Alright. So the subbasement is where the demonic spirit named Red is.” Dakota pointed out as you furthered your descent. 

“Oh no, I don’t like this. I don’t like this.” Your boyfriend expressed. “I don’t either it feels intimidating down here. I can see part of the reason people don’t come down here.” you clarified your weariness. 

“This is the notorious boiler room,” Dakota said as you all entered the dark room. 

“Is there anybody down here?” he asked as you all settled into your positions. Your head rested on Dakota’s shoulder. “Do you not want us down here?” he asked another question. Still, the silence was all you received. “Can you touch one of us?” he questioned. Your eyes widened at his inquiry. “Dakota please be careful,” you whispered to him. “Nothing has happened everything is just fine babe.” he tried to soothe you. You rolled your eyes and let out a sigh. “Just please be careful,” you advised once again. “I will be.” he kissed the top of your head. 

 Exiting the room you all continued down the hallway with your flashlights pointed ahead of you. 

This time it was you in the lead, you had no idea where you were going but Dakota had his hand resting on the small of your back ushering you forward. 

He then walked ahead of you with his camera up. “This is the infamous bowling alley.” he described. 

You walked further into the room and a feeling of being watched immediately washed over you and so you slightly hid behind your boyfriend in an attempt to comfort yourself. 

Without warning an unexplainable voice was sounded through the quiet room. Your eyes widened as you got closer to your boyfriend. 

“Woah did you hear that?” Tanner inquired in either curiosity or fear, you couldn’t tell. 

You looked up at Dakota just to see him donning a look of discomfort. “Dude my ear is ringing again,” he stated and you moved to face him. You put your flashlight in a pocket and reached up to place a hand on his face. “Are you ok Kota?” you asked with anxious eyes. 

“Dude, that was a little voice. Guys did you not hear that voice?” Tanner asked while turning to look at you guys. “Oh, are you ok?” he worriedly wondered. “My ear is just ringing.” Tanner took long strides toward you Chels and Kota. “The second you heard that my ear started ringing again this time it’s my right ear,” Dakota stated. You looked up at him with unease. “Babe, maybe we should get you out of here for a while. Get you some fresh air,” you suggested soothingly. Before he could respond to your suggestion Tanner speaks up. “Dude, what?” he asked in disbelief. 

He made a noise of discomfort and you looked to Chelsea who had the same amount of worry in her eyes. “Are you…” Tanner was cut off by Dakota speaking up. “I’m ok.” he tried to set everybody at ease. “Ok.” Tanner wearily stated. 

“I’m ok. I don’t know what’s going on.” still your suggestion was swept under the rug. 

He took a step away from you. “I just feel like whatever’s down here is just waiting. It knows we’re gonna be here for a long time.” Dakota let the words slip from his mouth. His words gave you chills. It made you think about how true it was, and what it would do to you if you came down here alone to sleep. 

Having enough of the bowling alley you all made your way back upstairs until Tanner brought everything to a halt. 

“hold on a second. Stop.” he pauses on the way up. “What, what is it?” you ask eagerly. 

“Yo, Al come over here.” Alex walks up next to Tanner behind Dakota. 

“Dude,” Alex said in shock. You looked at him with scared eyes and tried to get a look at what they were seeing. “What?”  Dakota asked anxiously. 

“There’s a handprint,” Tanner explained what he was seeing on Dakota’s jacket. You looked at it and your heart sped up, your worries for his and their safety were beginning to amplify. 

“There’s a handprint on your back babe,” you answer in shock and awe of what you were seeing. 

“What does it look like?” Dakota asked. You came to stand in front of him again. 

“Dude, it’s a thumb, finger, finger, finger, pinkie.” both Tanner and Alex describe to him. 

Dakota tried to look back to maybe get a glimpse of the marking. 

“Are you serious?” he questions startled. “Swear to God, dude,” Tanner assures. 

“I mean, put your arm down.” Dakota lowers his arm to his side. “Yeah like that. That looks like if I went like this.” he raised his hand. “Here. I’m just gonna put it over. It’s gonna ruin the mark, but we got the mark.” he moved his hand forward and placed it on his back. “It looks like this,” Tanner told everyone while demonstrating. 

“I mean, it’s even bigger than my hand.” you tried to swallow your fear as you reached for his hand. He held it tightly in his own. “What?” he questioned. “I did just say “Can you touch one of us?” “ you let go of his hand and turned away. “I knew you should’ve been more careful,” you mumbled to yourself. 

Your head snapped back up as his voice rose. “Woah! Woah! My battery is about to die.” he showed it to the camera that Tanner held. Chelsea saw the distress written on your features and walked over to you as the boys continued to freak out. 

She wrapped her arm around your shoulder and you leaned into her for comfort. 

“We haven’t had a camera die all night,” she said. “I know…” you trailed off before escaping her grip. They all looked to you with worried eyes as you stood in eerie silence.

After everything, Dakota decided it was best to take a break. You couldn’t agree more. 

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