Heard in the rooms of recovery: "Addiction is a prison with the locks on the inside."
For Today -- Left to our own resources, we find the fulfillment of our basic instincts to be pleasurable, yet so temporary and fleeting that were driven to fulfill them over and over and over. Almost invariably we overdo it, and fulfilling our instincts becomes an obsession. - A Program For You, page 79
I’m moving and next week is my last appointment with my therapist. She asked me to draw what therapy was to me, so I drew this. Often my mind feels like a vault with several locked cages. Behind those doors are monsters--traumas, disorders, self-destructive coping skills, and more. I try to keep them locked, but sometimes a monster will escape and hunt me down.
Therapy has given me the armor and training I need to fight the monsters. Therapy doesn’t eliminate the monsters. You have to do that yourself. But therapy gives you the tools you need to fight. I have even been able to purposefully open a couple of cages to fight the monsters there through EMDR.
I still have a lot of monsters to face, but I know that if I continue training and wearing my armor, I will be able to do it.
I recommend therapy to everyone. Everyone has a monster or two, even if they don’t seem as scary as other people’s monsters. Therapy works slowly, just like training to fight, so you’ve got to give it a chance. But you also have to put the work in to get results. You can’t sit passively by and expect to learn how to fight. You have to participate. Do things that feel uncomfortable. Push your limits. And when you finally defeat one of your monsters, all that work pays off.
We are lucky enough to have access to cheaper therapy, even if you live in a rural place, though things like online therapy with sliding scales. If I could give one piece of advice to everyone, it would be to go to therapy. I know it is difficult to find the right therapist, believe me. But it is totally worth the effort.
Buy me a coffee (or therapy session) at https://ko-fi.com/estravenai
I am taking a break from writing devotionals and doing my podcast. Honestly I am not doing well mentally. I am very depressed and just need to time off to work on my mental health. I will be posting my poetry if you guys want. Comment below if you want me to post my poetry.
“A friend once asked me what the meaning to life was. Must there be only one? Meaning weaves itself through the giggling of a child as he buries his face in my chest. Meaning smiles down on me as I wish the dog on the corner good morning and good night each day. Meaning plays peek-a-boo with my kittens as they chase their toys and deposit them loyally by my feet. Meaning is here. Meaning is everywhere. It is simply up to us to see it, to recognize it, to hope for more.”
alr this used to be my fav safefood a few months ago! the only cals are the ones in the potatoes so you can just weigh them and stuff yk
potatoes (how many depends on you)
salt and any other seasonings you may like
cut the potatoes into very small pieces, whether those are squares, triangles or circles depends on you (it won't change anything in the recipe)
grab a medium bowl and put cold water in it, then get the potatoes and put them in the cold water for 10 minutes
change the water and repeat twice
remove the potatoes from the water, grab a paper towel and dry them just a bit so there's not extra water
put the potatoes on a plate but make sure they don't overlap each other
put the plate in the microwave for 5 minutes, take it out and see if it needs more cooking (the potatoes should be mostly golden brown)
if you need more time, put it in for 2:30-5:00 minutes
take the plate out, season and eat! be careful though the plate is really hot
be safe, love you all! i might bring more recipes
so i don’t post a lot of personal stuff on this blog but i made a big self care/advocating for myself decision today and i’m rlly happy and proud even though putting myself first is always hella scary so yay recovery/healing moment :):)
Most common events that led to a binge: missing him. Without a doubt, feeling the hurt come up, stacking on with previous hurt, seeing that despite all the work I’ve done in therapy not much has changed... All of that added up and now I just want to eat to feel better. Being injured has also added to this as exercise is one of my coping skills and now I can’t exercise. Mostly it’s around him and the rejection, the feelings of being inadequate, that I’m “not good enough.” I’ve also been purchasing more junk food to keep in the house despite saying that I won’t eat it.
What triggers is there potential to have control over: I can’t change the sadness about him. The grief and sadness, the rejection too, are all valid, but I can judge myself less. I can stop telling myself that I’m not good enough, buying into the old schema that I’m unloveable. I can use mindfulness to slow those thoughts down and to show kindness to myself instead. I can stop purchasing foods that I use for binges.
Reducing the likelihood of encountering triggers/prompting events: there’s not a lot I can do to reduce the sadness regarding him, but I can try to re-frame my thoughts. I can show gratitude for getting to meet him and having something so special, even for only a brief amount of time. I can stock the pantry and fridge with healthier options. I can do other exercise. I can do my rehab exercises and stretches daily to reduce further injuries.
Identifying triggers that can not be controlled or reduced: the sadness. It will just take time to heal. I can remind myself (on repeat) that his choice is not a reflection on my worth - that even he has said that. In those moments I can do things to feel better about myself (rather than eating, which just makes me feel worse and like I have no value).