I drink until I can’t see straight
In hopes of drowning you in it.
But the bottom of the vodka is much too shallow.
You’re a boat on the top,
Watching me go deeper and deeper.
hey so contrary to popular belief, you cant just “cure” addiction by cutting off someone’s supply and expect them to be completely fine. you have to actually be there for the person emotionally and mentally throughout the whole process. when you deal with addiction, you are not treating drug use itself. you are treating trauma, mental illness, physical illness, and more. it doesn’t “just stop”.
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A big reason people have such a hard time getting through early sobriety without relapsing is:
The Wreckage of the Past.
New to sobriety, the thought of what we have done, the people we’ve hurt, and perhaps the legal and financial ruin in our wake - leaves us cringing. When we were out there getting loaded, we never thought we’d have to revisit these things...at least not anytime soon. We never saw that (day of amends) as concrete. Our chaotic lives would surely whirl us into the next “adventure” - with little thought given to cleaning up the last. We were traveling a hundred miles-an-hour through a sh*tstorm.
100 miles an hour. We’re speeding through this life in a station wagon - pedal to the floor. All the while, we’re drinking and drugging, drinking and drugging...
We lose a job because of hangovers and poor performance...it gets thrown over our shoulder, into the back of the station wagon.
We lose a cherished relationship because of immaturity and neglect due to our partying...over the shoulder, and into the back.
We get a DUI and miss the court date...over the shoulder.
We start to become “the shame” of our family...over the shoulder, and into the back.
Skipped out on debts, stole, lied, cheated. We can’t stand the person we’ve become, and can’t bear the sight of ourselves in the mirror...all get thrown to the back of the station wagon.
At some point, we rip the rearview mirror down off the windshield and keep our foot heavy on the gas. We don’t want to think about any of it - and hope it will stay behind us.
Then comes the day-of-reckoning. We’ve had enough - and we just want to get on with a new life. And so, as we approach the rooms-of-recovery in our hundred-mile-an-hour station wagon full of past wreckage - WE SLAM ON THE BRAKES!...and all the past garbage we thought we’d never have to deal with in any serious way - comes flying up front. It joins us in the front seat when we’re least-able to sort it out.
This is largely my story, with much more wreckage than I listed above. One-day-at-a-time, I was able to unravel the bird’s nest of my twisted past. Through recovery, I was able to heal all of my relationships, pay my past debts, and become a productive member of society. Today, I live with a sense of dignity and value. I have a sense of worth and purpose. I have comfort in my own skin. I never had this as an active addict. I didn’t think I’d ever get here.
Today, I own a Toyota Rav4 - which is empty most of the time - except for the occasional grocery-run, or when I’m driving new people to recovery meetings. I’ll go pick them up, because many times, their license is messed up like mine was when I was new.
Today, I’m able to share with them - how I walked through the early discomfort at the thought of my past - stayed sober, and straightened out each item I tossed into the back of a speeding station wagon. I also tell them that it couldn’t have happened without continuous sobriety.
My name is Joe, and I’m a alcoholic.
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Me: yeah my parents are manipulative and have caused the majority of my trauma
*remembering how my mom sat all day with me in the hospital when she found out I was sh”
*remembering how they visited me everyday when I was in the mental hospital and were the only thing that kept me going*
*knowing I wouldn’t be alive without them*
*remembering how my mom drove us home from the theatre because my hair wasn’t brushed, made me cry, and then as an apology hugged me and wouldn’t let me go until I forgave her even though I was fighting against her and sobbing because I wanted to be let go of*
*remembering how my dad lied to my mom about knowing I was going to an GSA when I expected him to defend me and then gaslighting me afterwards*
*remembering how my parents invalidated my sexuality*
*knowing I can never come out as non-binary or pagan*
*remembering how my dad ruined all our make up because he was mad at my mom*
*remembering how my mom led to me attempting suicide because she made me feel like I was unhelpable*
*remembering how they threw pans at each other and broke a window*
*remembering how my mom cause me to have multiple panic attacks*
*remembering how I had to go with my mom to pick up my dad because he got drunk and they wouldn’t let him onto an airplane bc of that and I started hyperventilating and freaking out bc my dad didn’t know where he was and I had to be given water to calm down*
*knowing they will never understand how the “hate the sin, love the sinner” ideology will always hurt me*
*knowing they will never know who I truly am*
*knowing that they make me feel ashamed bc of my sexuality despite being okay with it*
*how my parents play the victim when it comes to my sexuality*
*remembering how my dad threatened to throw my mom’s money out the window on one of his drunk rampages*
*another time he broke another window*
*he also got kicked out of a bar for threatening to kill a guy*
*he also threatened to beat my older brother on multiple occasions*
*realizing I didn’t have a normal childhood because I can barely remember it*
*realizing I had to grow up quick to learn to protect myelf*
*realizing that I will always feel like a scared child*
*realizing that I had to learn to dissociate as a copying mechanism and now I hardly ever feel like I’m in reality*
*realizing that I learned to protect myself by learning to micromanage my behavior and change my personality to suit them, causing me to not know who I am*
*realizing there is so much more to this list*
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1 year 6 months 21 days 21 hours 12 minutes and 38 seconds
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No matter how fucked up things get, just keep smiling.
Dying inside // with a smile on my face :)
Everything will be okay.
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currently crying while drunk and eating a full chocolate bar. i’ve never hated myself more.
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you’d think that by now, we’d have moved past having to hear absolute shit takes like “just stop drinking” or “just stop doing drugs” and yet i still see comments like that left on posts about addiction all the damn time
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Speaking of the devil
I avoid addiction,
I’m no more addicted to the fiction of
you and me meeting in my kitchen.
The distance means no obstacle
to me no more.
Cause you and me live close to each other.
And brother it doesn’t bother me.
I play another strategy.
I spread the heat of human fusion.
I no longer keep illusions in my head.
I don’t break no rules instead.
Every spark of this cancer is dead.
I cancelled all the false emotions.
No notion to you, no no notion of you.
I could live in your house and I wouldn’t
relapse. Perhaps I wouldn’t even notice
I’m so glad it’s over.
I finally gathered up my senses and decided to go lay down in my bed. Sweat drips down my face and neck, and I can hear my heartbeat in my ears. 'What the fuck am I doing to myself? Why do I do this?' I ask myself quietly in my mind. I've been in this position way too many times. This is just what an addict does. I've smoked all my ice, and I've probably spent about five hours searching on the floors, bathrooms, bags and counters for any tiny little shard. The dumbest thing about that? I know that even if I did find a little piece (I'm not going to), it won't be enough to smoke, ever.
Every single time fresh air hits a part of my body, chills overcome me. I'm cold, sweaty, shakey... and I am craving. I'm empty. What is wrong with my brain, why do I continue to look for this high? B, why the hell are you smoking this stuff? I want to cry, but no tears come out. I feel an intense sadness, but my mind does not want to go down that path. I've been hurting so much that my brain tries it's hardest to suppress anything that will trigger even the slightest bit of anxiety. It's so fun in the beginning... but when I want more, that's when I hurt. I'm breaking myself down more and more each time... will I be able to gather the will to change my ways? This isn't what I need to be happy, no. It's far from it. I can be healthy without that glass pipe.
“The unexamined life is not worth living” - Socrates
For Today --
When we retire at night, we constructively review our day.
Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid? Do we owe
an apology? Have we kept something to ourselves which
should be discussed with another person at once? Were
we kind and loving toward all? What could we have done
better? Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time?
Or were we thinking of what we could do for others,
of what we could pack into the stream of life?
-- Alcoholics Anonymous, page 86
Self-observation brings man to the realization of the
necessity of self-change. And in observing himself a man
notices that self-observation itself brings about certain
changes in his inner processes. He begins to understand
that self-observation is an instrument of self-change,
a means of awakening.
-- G.I. Gurdjieff
Every situation, properly perceived, becomes an
opportunity to heal.
-- A Course In Miracles
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A Quick Look at My Own Addiction and What I Can Do About It.
New Blog Post: "Fear"
@revimonroe @davidhogg111 @AMarch4OurLives
@uua @sfrederickgray @gregmepstein
“Guns are not legal in the United States and its territories.”
These are the only words from political leaders that will make a difference for the American addiction to guns.
This country has incredible problems with addiction in general, but the most lethal addiction, which fuels not only our sick gun culture but the opioid crisis, the debt crisis, White nationalism, racism, xenophobia, sexism,…
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“Depression, anxiety and excitement were the only emotions I felt.”
“I was given the gift of exhaustion, I couldn’t keep living this way.”
Some quotes I’ve heard the past two days that hit me hard.
I’m feeling very very restless the past few days. I’m itching for something. My emotions are hanging out and hovering. I don’t know what they mean. I don’t want to drink but I want to feel. I want to feel happy. I want my mind to stop racing.
I’m about to clean my house so hopefully that will help me get rid of some of this nervous energy.
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To a parent with a child who is struggling with drugs #addiction , Alcohol, Weed, or anything worse. . . . i hope you see this one day. I have never met one child who's dream was to be a crackhead. As in, I have never heard a single child say "daddy, i wd like to be a drug addict". They'll always say a Lawyer, doctor, Engineer, soldier..but not a drug addict. Something happens in life that makes people go in certain directions unwillingly , and if you can take them back to that point where they made that choice to pick that cigarette, that bottle, that powder, that injection and make it their companion....then you can or could help them find their healing. But if you are always judging them, always making them feel worse about themselves whenever they are around you, worse than they already felt, then trust me you are not only going to lose your child completely but also destroy them completely and them blame them. So if you want to help your child, stop being his/her court of law, and FIRST BE HIS/HER SAFE SPACE. . . then pray for her. It may not happen overnight, but one day he will chose you over that drug. . . . #Lazhere #Mentalhealth4All #ChangeIsPossible #fightingaddictiontogether #repost when you see this pliz. https://www.instagram.com/p/CNwkf92nr0R/?igshid=1k05b29m0h4r4
I smell like cigarettes and campfire right now
A Kansas City couple's nonprofit helps people recover from addiction
A Kansas City couple’s nonprofit helps people recover from addiction
KANSAS CITY, Mo. – Rob and Anissa Elsey have created some of their best memories in a place they never thought of visiting: an Oxford House.
The national organization provides a structure and a sober living environment for people recovering from drug or alcohol addiction. It has offices throughout the Kansas City, Missouri area.
The Northland Kansas City couple found themselves in an Oxford House…
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