Reasons to stay #3
Having takeaways with friends after a long day at work and feeling like you’ve finally found your people.
Arelette woke up with a gasp, sitting upright in a cold sweat. Her heart was going a mile a minute, and she struggled to breathe properly as tears streamed through her wide eyes. All she could see was flashes of red. Her hands were covered in red, her claws were sinking-
Arrie clutched her head, trying to shut it out. Tried to regain control, but then she realized... HER HANDS WERE CLAWED.
A new wave of panic rose up, with her heart somehow beating faster now. Arrie felt sick, as if her body was collapsing on itself. She needed help. She needed-
Her hands shook as she reached out for her phone, struggling to focus on the names she scrolled by as the bright screen nearly blinded her. She barely registered the ungodly hour it was, but instincts ruled over any need to act out of courtesy of others. SHE NEEDED HELP.
“H-Hey,” she stammered as the other side picked up, not even thinking about whether she’d pressed the right name or not. “I, ummm.... Ahh...”
She wanted to spit it out, but the urgency to do so made it that much harder for her to keep talking, but she pushed through it, forced her way through, clawed-
“E-e-elle s'empire,” she gasped, before breaking into a sob. “Elle s’empire tellement et ch-ch-chez pas quoi faire. Je vois en rouge. J’ai métamorphosé dans mon sommeil. Je-j’ai JAMAIS métamorphosé dans mon sommeil aupar-auparavant. S-s’i-s’il te plaît, chez qu’il est tard, mais je... je-”
( “I-it-it’s getting worse. It’s getting so much worse and I-I-I don’t know what to do. I keep seeing red. I shapeshifted in my sleep, I- I’ve NEVER shapeshifted in my sleep be-before. P-p-please, I know it’s late, but I... I-” )
Arrie couldn’t complete her thought though as the sobbing got so bad that she struggled to breathe. She kept seeing red. Even when her eyes were closed, she kept seeing red.
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Everything hurts (do not steal)
I’m not sure if this is considered hypersexual but in recent years, I realized how sexualized I was as a kid. not by adults but i did it to myself. and I have no idea what caused me to be like that, but I wish I was a normal kid.
ow what the fuck
“....Yeah, can we get a goddamn therapist in this school for the sake of everyone, myself included? Student council, please get on that.”
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uh hi hi i Might come back to this acc, or at least occasionally post here to vent. anyway life updates:
1) just got out of the mental hospital!!! for the third time lmao (altho theres technically been 4 hospitalizations just one of the places sent me right to anther)
2) i got Extremely s word n did bad stuff but now im better!!!!
3) i started testosterone in march!!!!!
4) my gf n i have been together for over a yr n a half now
5) i uhhh,,, realized im part of a system lmao i always called my alters fronting a delusion or me taking roleplaying oc’s too far, but yeah thats a new realization. in total theres abt 7 of us that we know abt!!!!
6) unrepressed lots more trauma. like now im 99.9% sure this one thing actually happened
7) i have a new therapist n hes great!!!!
so yeah!!! also i deleted the few posts i had on this acc bc they stressed me out. so if ur wondering why you follow me, its bc this is a remake of an old traumacore acc i had. so yuh how are yall doing??
“Sometimes, quiet is violent.”
It’s a literal danger for me to be up at this hour. The darkness tells me to hurt myself even if it’s just a scratch.
I tried waking up my fiancé (big news there), but she’s really tired and has to work in the morning, whereas I’m off for the day.
If I can just make it to 5am........
SHIT WHEN BUCKY FELL I GOT FLASHBACKS DON’T FUCKING SCARE ME LIKE THAT MARVEL
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You did nothing to deserve what happened to you
It was not meant to be
It was not for a greater purpose
It was not a punishment for a past lifetime
What happened was not okay
You deserved better
tfw your uncle k!lled himself and now when ever your friends seem a little down or when they are usually on line there not you have to work your self down from a panic attack cause you think that they offed them selves 😩🤪
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ok actually ive had this blog since december 2018. omg
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people you thought you knew will show their true colors when youre trying to stay sober.
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The accident, that is, as it emerges in Freud and is passed on through other trauma narratives, does not simply represent the violence of a collision but also conveys the impact of its very incomprehensibility. What returns to haunt the victim...is not only the reality of the violent event but also the reality of the way that its violence has not yet been fully known. ... The story of trauma, then, as the narrative of a belated experience, far from telling of an escape from reality--the escape from a death, or from its referential force--rather attests to its endless impact on a life...The crisis at the core of many traumatic narratives--as I show concretely in my readings of Freud, Duras, and Lacan--often emerges, indeed, as an urgent question: Is the trauma the encounter with the death, or the ongoing experience of having survived it?
At the core of these stories, I would suggest, is thus a kind of double telling, the oscillation between a 'crisis of death' and the correlative 'crisis of life': between the story of the unbearable nature of an event and the story of the unbearable nature of its survival. ... What Freud encounters in the traumatic neurosis is not the reaction to any horrible event but, rather, the peculiar and perplexing experience of survival. If the dreams and flashbacks of the traumatized thus engage Freud's interest, it is because they bear witness to a survival that exceeds the very claims and consciousness of the one who endures it. At the heart of Freud's rethinking of history in "Beyond the Pleasure Principle," I would thus propose, is the urgent and unsettling question: What does it mean to survive?
Cathy Caruth, Unclaimed Experience
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I just watched 'Perfect Blue' for the first time and I wasn't prepare. And the worst thing is. The worst thing is that before I watched 'My neighbor Totoro' so imagine the innocence that went in and the perturbation that came out.
I WASN'T PREPARE JUST GIVE ME A SECOND
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Can I just get a day off, a day without the mental illness pls 😔
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Underlying my emotional dysregulation was unresolved pain and trauma.
How did that show up in my daily life? Trauma triggers and emotional flashbacks, but I didn’t know that.
All I knew was that life started to feel like a mine field. At any moment something could set me off. Sending me into an emotional response that felt out of my control.
Naturally but not consciously, I tried to avoid the triggers, even the potential triggers. Instead of asking, “Do I want to do this?” I was asking “Is this going to trigger me?”
Overtime, in an attempt to protect myself, I pulled my walls closer, built them higher. I stopped trying or doing anything that might trigger me. Eventually, there was very little room to move. I felt paralyzed, terrified over what might set me off.
Even with all these precautions and protections, I still got triggered. This left me feeling powerless and constantly raging at myself.
Looking back, I see my desperation to control something I didn’t understand. I see my confusion and frustration at losing emotional control turning into deep-seeded shame and self hate. I see myself backed into a corner, terrified and lashing out.
Today, I would tell that younger version of myself that she’s not broken, that there’s a reason her life feels ripped inside out. I would tell her instead of controlling, she needs understanding. I would tell her to breathe. I would tell her there is a way through.
Do you recognize your trauma triggers? How have they impacted your daily life? What have you given up to avoid being triggered?
Follow @breakingdowncptsd for resources and community around complex trauma recovery.