Using Chapter 7 Exercise 5 of the workbook...
Most common events that led to a binge: missing him. Without a doubt, feeling the hurt come up, stacking on with previous hurt, seeing that despite all the work I’ve done in therapy not much has changed... All of that added up and now I just want to eat to feel better. Being injured has also added to this as exercise is one of my coping skills and now I can’t exercise. Mostly it’s around him and the rejection, the feelings of being inadequate, that I’m “not good enough.” I’ve also been purchasing more junk food to keep in the house despite saying that I won’t eat it.
What triggers is there potential to have control over: I can’t change the sadness about him. The grief and sadness, the rejection too, are all valid, but I can judge myself less. I can stop telling myself that I’m not good enough, buying into the old schema that I’m unloveable. I can use mindfulness to slow those thoughts down and to show kindness to myself instead. I can stop purchasing foods that I use for binges.
Reducing the likelihood of encountering triggers/prompting events: there’s not a lot I can do to reduce the sadness regarding him, but I can try to re-frame my thoughts. I can show gratitude for getting to meet him and having something so special, even for only a brief amount of time. I can stock the pantry and fridge with healthier options. I can do other exercise. I can do my rehab exercises and stretches daily to reduce further injuries.
Identifying triggers that can not be controlled or reduced: the sadness. It will just take time to heal. I can remind myself (on repeat) that his choice is not a reflection on my worth - that even he has said that. In those moments I can do things to feel better about myself (rather than eating, which just makes me feel worse and like I have no value).
I know this is not my normal post. I normally post about five fantastic boys! And this is probably just a one time thing!
But! I want people to know that sometimes it's okay to have to start again. Because we all have a different battle we fight. And sometimes we have to start over to win, and even sometimes we don't win. And that's also okay. And for six days ago I had to start over again, and right now I don't know which direction I am going.
I have two quotes I want to share.
A scar means, ‘I survived’.
Suicide is not selfish. suicide is normally, death caused by the illness of depression. It’s the final symptom. A final collapse under the unbearable weight. Suicide is a tragedy. If you have never been close to that edge, do not judge what you can’t understand.
2 disappointing things
There are 2 specific things that will lead you to constant disappointment. By no means is this a list of everything that will make you upset, just 2 major causes for you to be disappointed:
1. your expectations
2. your time frame
We are, in our hearts, control-freaks. We want everything our way, we want to control everybody and everything, and we want it in our time. But the thing is, you don’t see or understand everything. I hope you know that.
Here’s a good example from how we pray: “God change their heart”; what about God’s glory and purposes? Did Moses pray that God would change Pharaoh’s heart? What about yielding yourself rather than praying that God would change everybody who irritates you? Maybe you are the one who is wrong?
“God have mercy on them”; what if they don’t change? Are you just praying that God would have mercy on them so that they will change? What if they end up hurting you and never change because God had mercy on them? What if it is a constant thorn in your side? Are you sure you want God to have mercy on them?
We want to control things, so we pray, or don’t pray accordingly. I don’t want God to bless that person who is living in sin so I don’t pray for them, even though God tells me to bless them and pray for them. What if in praying for them, God finds them lacking and punishes them instead? What if God wants to change you? What if YOU are the wrong one? But here’s where things get a little crazier: just because you pray doesn’t mean that’s what will happen. Somethings will be and somethings won’t be, no matter how much you pray, but some things may be if you ask. What if you don’t pray the right thing, or if you don’t want that to happen? It’s not about you, and God chooses what to do with it - not that you should pray for stupid things (you might get what you want and hate every minute of it, like judgment).
We cannot micro-manage God; God do this, change this, make this happen. Maybe our expectations and our time frame is what is causing the issue.
No one can bear the weight of the world: thinking you have to be perfect for God to save your kids, or you have to pray the perfect prayer to be healed, or you are holding everything together, or it’s all up to you, or whatever. Surrender it to God. Surrender the situation, the people, the irritations to God - it’s out of your hands. You can’t control it all.
In a world of infinite possibilities of what could happen, what are the chances that your way is best, and that it will actually happen?
Also, your emergency doesn’t warrant God’s immediate action. You probably have more time than you think, and even though you are scared doesn’t mean it actually has to be resolved now. Haven’t you ever went through a difficult situation that didn’t go how you wanted (expectation) and took longer than you wanted? Did you survive? Well ok then.
Also, God can turn hopeless into hopeful, though you may be disappointed if you are still holding God to your expectations and time frame - let God be God and release your death grip.
The situations is probably not as big of a deal as your imagination has made it. Imagination is a great thing - we see opportunities and create solutions often in a place that there is no clear way - but imagination unrestrained is terrible.
Your inability to be calm doesn’t mean it’s “now-or-never” to God. It might be scary and hard, we definitely need God’s help as we go forward, but that doesn’t mean that we have the right to get disappointed and upset with God. Maybe learn to calm yourself down instead of holding God and others to your level of personal comfort.
As hard as it is to realize this, the world doesn’t revolve around you. Things are not going to go how you always want when you want.
Just because something is important to YOU doesn’t mean it is important, or that it has to be done your way. Instead of demanding that God change His plans and purposes, perspectives and will, or that everyone needs to conform to your wants, be willing to change your expectations and your time frame. You will be a lot happier, and everyone around you will be too. Your expectations need to change