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#abuse survivor
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Hey can we please acknowledge how legitimately traumatizing and damaging verbal and emotional abuse are? They're not just bad because they can "lead to physical abuse", they're bad because they're fucking traumatic on their own. Emotional safety is incredibly important, both as a child and as an adult. Please stop treating emotional and verbal abuse like they're less abusive, it helps our abusers get away with what they've done.
do not interact with this or any of my posts if you use “narcissistic abuse”, “npd abuse”, “narcissistic parent”, “npd survivor” or any other ableist shit to describe your abuse/abuser.
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com-rad-feminism · 2 days ago
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For those who are new to this blog, esp anti radfem-
I'm a dysphoric FTM. Referring to myself as female makes me want to sewerslide. But I literally have NO OTHER WAY to speak about the pain and dysphoria MTFs and males have caused, and why it hurt so much to be silenced. I have been forced into silence and victim blamed at the slightest criticism of our community for so long. I am done.
I'm done walking on eggshells. Call me a TERF if you want, I don't care anymore. I have no choice but to radfem, which I used to hate with a passion. Sex based oppression is all too real.
That being said, I know I am loud and angry. But I will not calm down anytime soon. Not until justice is served and we see some major changes in the world. Make those changes and maybe there will be less people like me.
Above all--
I am not sorry for surviving abuse. And I am not sorry for hating both abusers and a community that has grown to protect them.
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comfyplant · 3 days ago
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Narcissists will gaslight abuse survivors. They call us "ableist" for sharing our stories about narcissistic abuse.
They claim that there are narcs and "empaths" (notice the black and white thinking). And, that empaths are actually the ones who abuse others! Then they claim that having no empathy does not make them bad people. But, if you don't have empathy for them, then you're a bad person!
I can't make this shit up. Look up "NPD" in the tags and go through the popular posts. This site is full of narcissistic abuse apologists.
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comfyplant · 3 days ago
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"Not all narcs are abusive."
And, yet, here you are on my post about surviving abuse, making it about YOU once again.
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yanderephobe · 4 days ago
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Just want to congratulate all those who have cut off their abusers. Wether it be today or you did it years ago. I’m so proud of you for doing it!
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survivor-positivity · 4 days ago
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reblog + put something you’re proud of yourself for in the tags! can be as small or big as you want, you deserve to be proud of all your achievements :)
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drunkjoseph · 6 days ago
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Why this post sucks.
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"when the facts of the matter indicate" aka, you're not there so you don't know the whole story aka you'd rather not believe survivors when they are telling you something they personally experienced.
If your only defense of this post is that people call each other abusers online willy nilly, then I don't know what part of the internet you're on but it seems you need to go outside and interact with real people. Real people don't do that.
"create engaging social media guilt by association drama" is 100% victim blaming. It's saying that survivors out abusers for attention or "drama".
"genuine psychological abuse" implies that abusers have to knowingly do the abuse on purpose. It does not. Many abusers can do the things they do and say without even seeing anything wrong with it. What may come off to you as a "banal asshole" might actually be "banal" abuse to others.
Starting shit with people who associate with the abuser is 100% within their right. Knowing who is on contact with the abuser helps survivors protect themselves from the abuser. You would be devastated if you found out one of your friends was talking about you to your rapist. If you still talk to someone's abuser, you're NOT a true friend of the survivor.
Overall, you don't know someone but it's stupid to walk off a cliff because you don't believe a sign posted warning you about the cliff.
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Hey if someone has abused you (physically, verbally, emotionally, financially, or sexually) and you worry about "ruining their image" by exposing what they did, they deserve to have their image ruined. If they wanted to stay in everyone's good graces they shouldn't have made the choice to be abusive. It's that simple. Get the help that you need and fuck anyone who exploits other people for their pleasure or gain. They deserve nothing, and you deserve to recover.
do not interact with this or any of my posts if you use “narcissistic abuse”, “npd abuse”, “narcissistic parent”, “npd survivor” or any other ableist shit to describe your abuse/abuser.
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trilixa-ffxiv · 7 days ago
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What to do when the danger stops.
I’m rather lost recently.
I’ve spent.. all of my life.. surviving abuse. From my parents to my partners. It’s never stopped. Well, that is until June of 2020.
I met a wonderful man through FF XIV and in June I moved from my friend’s house in Detroit to Toronto to be with this man. Over the last almost 10 months he has been an anchor in my life. He loves me, unconditionally.. and shows me every day in little ways. No, our relationship isn’t perfect.. but when it’s compared to anything I’ve ever felt before.. it’s pretty amazing. 
Sadly, that’s where my disconnect happens. 
My brain keeps looking for the other shoe to drop. It keeps waiting for the moment when I’m just.. too much. When I cry just a bit too long, or when I misunderstand once too many times. When does the mask fall away and the monster that everyone has underneath show?
Now, logically, I think that if he was going to be abusive.. he would have been by now. I am pretty sure I am finally safe.. that I finally have a home.. but my brain won’t let me enjoy it.
So that’s the question. What do you do when the constant flight or fight instinct isn’t needed? What do you do when you are allowed to, after your entire life, be yourself? How do you adjust and cope with being loved, truly?
I never thought these would be questions that I had.. but I have them. It’s hard to remember that I’m safe. It’s hard to remember that he isn’t just tolerating me. It’s hard to remember that I won’t get screamed at for changing my mind.. 
I hope that one day I figure out how to adjust.. but until then I have so many questions.
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why do people always seem to care more about the abuser than the abuse victim?
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survivetherecovery · 9 days ago
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When you grow up surrounded by people who inflict pain and suffering on others, you learn to stay close to where you are safest.
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re-shouto · 10 days ago
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it is absolutely abuse if your parents treat you as an extension of themselves, as wish fulfillment, or as a means of living vicariously
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deadnightingale · 10 days ago
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Hi, im a former crypto radfem/gc woman deciding to finally make a side blog to archive my favorite posts or important info I want to come back to. I am also using this space to write my own memories touching on various subjects like abuse and my experiences in sex work. I'm NOT INTERESTED IN DISCOURSE! I am extremely depressed and isolated and I'm not looking to add more stress by internet arguing, I just wanted a place I can gather my thoughts and potentially meet others who can relate or at least offer some kind of community. I'm not looking for advice or to be shunned for my decisions, just to be allowed to finally express my own truth.
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The Dog Metaphor
My dad is emotionally abusive and doesn’t understand why I won’t give him “another chance”.  I used the following metaphor.
Every day on your walk home, you pass a dog.  It’s loose in it’s yard.  Every    day it runs towards you and bites you.  It hurts, you’re terrified you’re going to be seriously injured or die, so you run away.  Eventually the dog stops chasing you and you move on.  So one day you say “fuck this, I’m not walking that way anymore” and you find a different path.
That’s what I did.  I found a different path.  I stopped opening up to him, I stopped telling him when something he did bothered me.  I stopped forgiving him when he hurt me, because I felt it absolved him of the guilt he needed to change.  I stopped inviting him to important events in my life because I didn’t want him to ruin them by making negative memories.  So my dad responded, “but why do you think the dog bites?  Don’t you think maybe someone hurt it too?”  And he’s right.
I know the dog was abused, I have compassion for it, but it’s safe now.  It’s away from the things that hurt it.  I know being safe doesn’t always make you better immediately, but it has to work through this maladaptive behavior or it’s going to seriously hurt someone.  People have already gotten seriously hurt emotionally.  A dog can’t continue to bite everyone who passes it, even if the reason is totally justified.  The dog’s behavior needs to be fixed.  But the dog’s new, non-abusive family can’t fix the dog on their own.  They need to take it to a behavior specialist who will find the root cause of its aggression (fear, usually) and work on it. 
That’s where abuse comes in.  When you refuse to work on your trauma, when you make it other people’s problems by lashing out, when you refuse to seek help.  A dog can’t make those decisions for itself, but a human can.  And if you choose not to work on yourself, and instead pass the trauma on to your child/partner/animal, you are an abuser.  You don’t get to hide behind your trauma anymore.  
do not interact with this or any of my posts if you use “narcissistic abuse”, “npd abuse”, “narcissistic parent”, “npd survivor” or any other ableist shit to describe your abuse/abuser.
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drunkjoseph · 11 days ago
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REACTIVE ABUSE: WHAT IT IS AND WHY ABUSERS RELY ON IT
One of the most common tactics abusers use is to shift blame for the abuse onto the victim. The abuser will claim the victim is the abuser because of the reaction the victim has. The abuser may even attempt to convince the victim that there is nothing worth reacting over and that the victim is overreacting to the abuse. What the victim is actually experiencing is called reactive abuse.
Definition
Reactive abuse occurs when the victim reacts to the abuse they are experiencing. The victim may scream, toss out insults, or even lash out physically at the abuser. The abuser then retaliates by telling the victim that they are, in fact, the abuser.
Why abusers rely on it
Abusers rely on this “reactive abuse” because it is their “proof” that the victim is unstable and mentally ill. The abuser will hold these reactions against the victims indefinitely. It could be years later and the abuser will say, “Well, back in (whatever year), you had this reaction and acted all crazy. You’re the crazy one! You need help.”
Sometimes abusers use this reaction as an excuse to go to police or even file for protective orders of their own.
A method of manipulation
To manipulate is to unfairly influence a situation. When an abuser claims they are the ones being abused, they are manipulating us into believing we are at fault for the abuse. The abusers are conditioning and manipulating us to accept the blame. The longer this blame shifting goes on, the longer we will believe we are to blame for the reactive outbursts and abuse that the abuser is dishing out. We will begin to believe we are the violent and unstable ones.
This manipulation can even go so far as to cause us to feel shame. When we react, it causes the abuser to claim we are the abusive ones. But these reactions also add a second element to the mix – they cause us to feel bad about ourselves to the point of guilt and shame. We act against what we know to be true about ourselves – that we are good, kind, capable, loving people. But that goes out the window when we experience the guilt and shame more and more. The guilt and shame that the abusers continue to condition us to feel.
Reactive abuse vs. mutual abuse
According to domesticshelters.org, mutual abuse is when both partners are equally abusive to one another. Many survivors often ask themselves if they are abusive too because of how they react, but the truth is that mutual abuse is very rare and many experts don’t believe it exists. The power and control dynamics involved in domestic violence would make it nearly impossible for both partners to be abusive.
The key word here is “react.” That’s the difference between reactive abuse and mutual abuse. Victims and survivors react to the abuse doled out by the abuser.
What we can do instead
When you see yourself reacting in this manner, many times you begin to say to yourself, “Whoa, this isn’t me. This isn’t how I am normally.” When you begin to ask yourself those questions, you know something is not right with the relationship. I know I thought those things before – that I knew how I was reacting wasn’t me. It wasn’t who I was. That’s what the abuser wants – to make you question yourself, your character, and your integrity. But many times, by the time we get to the point of asking ourselves those questions, we are either too scared to leave the abuser or we just don’t have the means to do so.
So what can we do instead? The abusers bank on us reacting negatively to their tactics. When we begin to truly think about how we respond to them, we are taking back our power. We begin to respond and not react. To react is almost like an automatic thing – it’s the fight or flight response. But responding involves a thought process that requires us to really consider our thoughts and actions.
Within the realm of domestic violence, there is always one who initiates or instigates the problems in the relationship. It comes back to that one person needing power and control over their victim. That’s what abuse is – the imbalance of power. The abuser, however, would like us to believe otherwise and say, “Well, we were abusive to each other. It’s mutual abuse.” It’s because the abusers will never accept responsibility for their actions and instead shift blame for the abuse onto us.
If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, there is help. You can visit the Break the Silence website at www.breakthesilencedv.org or chat with one of our helpline advocates at 855-287-1777
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foundenterprisefamily · 11 days ago
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Ya know what? Fuck it, positivity time.
In the past 6 months I've realized that I may be, slowly but surely, be on the road to recovery.
I've been standing up to my abusive mom while staying calm and collected, and just let her have her temper tantrums without reacting or letting it get to me.
Today I noticed that my old bitterness is gone. This deep pessimism, self-pity and hatred for everything and anything that she taught me from early on, and that I really struggled with (especially in my early teens) has just vanished?
It was and still is a lot of hard work and self-observation, but today I really noticed my progress for the first time and I'm incredibly proud and happy❤️
To everyone in a similar situation: I wish you the absolute best! Just know that it get's better, day by day. The picture is so grand you don't see the progress sometimes, and it might feel you're going backwards sometimes, but there's really only one way: Forward.
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