Learn to identify your feelings, then you can name them, then you can kill them
In order to answer the question
Of what it is I am dreading
We first must establish
What is meant by the term dread
Seeping in nature
You don’t realise you’re numb
Until you’re dripping down your front
And the bottom has fallen out of your self concept
You really should have reinforced it
A cold but transitory state
I am not built for sterility
I am conscious of the pasta sauce on my shirt
The dirt under my skin
Prickling until it bursts
Common characteristics are
Waking up reluctantly
Like you kicked off the blanket
Accidentally
Waking up reluctant
Play acting civilities
Miming your errands
While the incessant fizzing
Rebuilds you from inside
Gradually
But like a freight train
Your chest is full of marbles now
Migrating to your legs
There’s a knocking on the door
It’s been getting louder
If only you had listened
It’s that fear of the invasion
Vulnerable soft bits
You left yourself open
Don’t say you weren’t warned
The smallest voice in your throat
Getting louder
And gagging
Invade yourself now
Overcome
Eat your fears
Lie down and take it
Everyone has to
Sooner or later
You’ll just have to do it
Shove yourself down
Just go to the dentist
———
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i understand
the violence it took to become that gentle.
i understand.
but you have yet to grasp the gentleness,
the love within my violence,
softest warmth begetting blood on fur that i wear like a medal,
on my neck
my crown of thorns, my wedding band,
it’s you for whom i bite.
and you have yet to grasp the fear,
the care with which i keep you
safe, under my watch no jaws will ever find their way to you,
nor any tooth,
no tear will ever be torn from you, for
it’s you for whom i bite.
and you have yet to grasp my devotion,
no others beside you
could I keep, no kin, no consanguines
except in what is bled
and in my mouth
i’ve whet my wolfish little knives for you,
it’s you for whom i bite.
i understand
the violence it took to become that gentle.
i understand. and so i bite.
kept seeing the image up top everywhere and decided to write something as a sort of excercise. i don't feel like i did it justice, might rework the third stanza especially but frankly i don't know how to improve it rn so i'm letting it go be free for now. The "the violence it took to become that gentle" thing is a popular quote whose source i can't remember, original post for the image is this reddit post afaik.
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I wish there was a way for me to say
How bad I want to touch you.
The smooth path of your familiar skin,
To trace your new tattoos.
The feather brush of your brown hair
Against my cheek, my neck,
Or to bury eyes against your shoulder,
My nose to nestle near your collarbone.
I wish I had a way to say how dear it would be to me,
To feel the wayward press of your
Rambling spine against my palm,
Your bones and warmth and weight beside me,
Or resting in my arms.
I wish there was a way to speak it,
To say I love you, and have those syllables slip
like round stones into still water,
With a quiet, pleasant drip and gentle, even ripples.
And those rings on the surface of the water
Would make lovely patterns as they bounce between us,
And settle within the places of the life you share with him,
And the home I share with her.
I loved you first, and I will always love you,
As sure as moonrise, soft as rain.
I wish I could whisper it not as a secret
But as a promise, or a prayer.
I wish those words, like stones,
Would pass easily, and make ripples
And not waves.
I wish that I could touch you,
Hold you close, place a kiss upon your head
And that it would feel like an answer, instead of a question.
An answer that might grace the tangled limbs of our lives
Like a dove upon the oak.
I wish that I could touch you,
And in silence, within me I’ll always be reaching,
Reaching.
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Danger Boy
He is the Uranus in my cosmic cavern,
The singularity of my oneness that is all part of the primordial uterine source,
Their minds are unraveling as fast as the yoke is changing and every recurrence begets the lighter,
Debris left sharpened at the grindstone,
Unequivocal ambiguity of the ontological reality that spouts out of his tiny weewee,
The Jester now sits upon King’s throne.
The overlapping tangle of enveloping moons
Waxes and wanes,
Gives and takes,
A masterpiece, either way.
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you are more than a mannequin's hysteria.
And God, how lucky you are to have all eyes on you.
Walk, grinning and grieving out onto the platform and feel the emptiness beneath your feet, every step is a painful reminder of this pathetic charade.
You wear your torn scaly skin, shimmering like it’s a badge of honor. As if it proves something about your resilience.
But don't worry, the stage is here for the sincere. A triumph of spirit, with no name and no brilliance.
So keep smiling, my dear imposter, and embrace your newfound lack of disgust for yourself.
- D 10/19/23 - 12:19AM
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how we are
the old man sits by his gate
3euro for 5kilos
for a fat bag of oranges
I have 1e in my pocket
say to her: got any change?
here she says hands over 2e50c
I give him the money
pick up the fat bag of sunshine
no es he says slow 50c por favor
she fiddles around finds 30c more
es ok he says with a smile
we head off to make marmalade
did he do us over? I ask
dunno she goes I gave you 2e50
we stop for coffee
I reach into my pocket
find the missing 1e coin there
I must’ve put this in my pocket
thinking
I was putting the fiftyc there
I look at her we look
at the missing coin in my hand
he didn’t do us we did him
& that kinder man he let us go
the coffee arrives
we sit in silence for a little while
thinking this is us
this is how we are
neil benbow
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