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#unstable self image

intrusive-thoughts-only · 2 months

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Intrusive Thought and Image #293:

“I want to cut all the way down my forearm and see the long line of dripping - maybe that would be indicative of my true pain.”

#actually bpd #bpd #mental health awareness #bpd feels #bpd mood #mental illness #mental health #emptiness #intrusive images #intrusive thoughts #tw self h4rm #tw self destructive thoughts #tw self harn #mood swings #mentally unstable

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traumatizedjaguar · 5 months

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you're not a liar just because you have so many abusers

you're not a liar just because you have been through a lot

you're not a liar just because you went through bizarre things

you're not a liar just because your abuser fabricated evidence

you're not a liar just because your abuser(s) used DARVO on you

you're not a liar because you're a man who was abused

you're not a liar just because people stupidly think women use rape as a weapon

you're not a liar just because you have so many rapists

you're not a liar or abuser and you didn't deserve to be hurt.

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its0knot2be0k · 6 months

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A bit of Polish music, the guy sings about how he's a zero in life and he can fucking do about it.

youtube

Do I identify? Strongly, yes.

"I don't know how to get out of this swamp, I'm lying on the floor and I'm being sucked into the floor

Medication from a psychiatrist, meditation exercises, all about dick bruise,depression long tentacle. "**

*Some text song from the link

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ashrifts · 10 months

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───ㅤ»ㅤwhat does your heart look like?

YOUR RESULT: ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ* A GUIDING, GOLDEN LIGHT.

Just because you cannot see your own heart doesn’t mean that others can’t. Your heart is blinding, captivating, a fire so bright that others can’t bring themselves to look away. It illuminates the path they follow and cements you as a guiding star for their own wayward hearts. Every experience you’ve lived through has built your lighthouse heart up just a little higher. You are inspirational, a light that doesn’t go out.

and─

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ* A TANGLED BALL OF RED STRINGS.

Who are you without the company of others? You aren’t sure, but you know that you aren’t fond of whoever it is. You are an actor, a pretty face and a pleasant song. Many idolize you, or love you, but you can never be sure of how sincere it is. Your heart is buried under the letters they leave you, sealed with a kiss. It can’t be untangled from the red strings they’ve attached to you. You deserve to find something, someone, true and faithful to hold your heart in place. You don’t have to be everything to everyone.

tagged by: @deathfavor 💕💕 tagging: idk who hasn't been tagged yet - take it from me and say i tagged u!!

#* ›› / * queue.#oop accidentally wrote an essay in the tags--#retook the quiz with One different answer bc i felt both screamed ran and i couldn't decide on just one #and if i cut these in half and make them into one single result then it's very accurate LOL #ran has a very strong sense of self but there's certainly that overwhelming apathy towards everything unless it truly grabs his interest #so bc of this i think there's times he doesn't actually realize how kind and nurturing he can be towards those he cares about #and he may be an idiot sometimes but he can give really wise advice when needed #and be a firm ground for when the others' footing are unstable #so maybe not a guiding light in the way that his heart is beautiful and pure and inspirational --#but he's definitely a person you can look to when you feel unsure #and the other result... he genuinely believes everyone either loves him or should “love�� him #and that they do so sincerely bc ran voice why wouldn't they?#but in the end they're only seeing what he wants them to see bc his public image is so carefully crafted and calculated #so there's def a bit of skepticism when someone tells him they genuinely love him (aside from rindou bc he's the only one who rly knows him #* ›› / * dash games.#* ❪ㅤstarving skeleton valleyㅤ❫ ›› / * headcanon.

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hopelessly-hopeful-romantic · 1 year

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What else can I do to make you like me?

All I've ever wanted was to be desired, wanted, picked, seeked out, anything..

I've done everything I can think of to be liked, I dont understand why it won't work for you?

I've worked so hard for you, I sweated until the early AMs, bleed into the darkest nights, cried in the loneliest of rooms. I did it all for you!

So i dont understand why you have to be so mean to me. I don't deserve that. All I've ever done is for you. I've tried so hard and for so long, and nothing is ever good enough.

Can't you at least validate how far ive come? It may not be up to your standards, but I've made so much progress. I've done everything you've asked, accomplished the things you never thought I would—and you don't even care?

What was the point? What was it all for, if not you? It's always been for you, I dont get it.. Why can't you be proud of me? Do you not have any gratitude to spare for me?

I'm not even asking you to love me. All I ask is that you like me. Is that so hard?..

To: my mind

From: my being

#give me attention #i love you so much #mental illness #recovery #mental health #healing #clean #body image #self h@te #self destruction #spilled thoughts #inner thoughts #self worth #self image #self esteem #please love me #soul #im not mentally stable #im mentally unstable

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rearranging-deck-chairs · 2 years

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ive been watching this series on netflix called echoes (spoilers next if you care to watch it) i wasnt super into it especially in the beginning bc the dialogue and exposition are pretty clunky and cliché but then this scene happened and i laughed out loud with delight and then was immediately like 'ohh thoschei au'

so this series is about two twin sisters who have made it a habit since childhood of pretending to be each other for long periods of time. it starts when they accidentally push their older sister off a tower and she gets hurt pretty bad. the one sister, leni, is like “you’ll get punished for this gina, but if we pretend to be each other, i can keep you safe” so they switch identities and live as each other for a bit.

they keep switching to get out of trouble throughout their childhood and they also share everything. they get in a fight once bc one of them (i think probably gina) had a secret and leni found out and was pissed. from then on she was like “we’ll keep this shared diary and we can have secrets from each other but not the diary”

they share a boyfriend until the boyfriend has sex with leni and gina feels like she should maybe get her own life independent from her sister. so she goes and gets a boyfriend. leni gets jealous and sets a fire in the church where gina and her boyfriend have sex once. the church burns down and leni does her old trick of “switch identities with me gina, then i can make sure you dont get in trouble for this” and she basically pins the arson on gina’s boyfriend who gets a bad reputation and has to leave town for a while. you get the idea of this whole switching thing.

the reason i think this scene where gina demonstrates how easy it is to switch works so well is because as an audience member you keep being kept on the back foot. the serie starts with us following who we think is gina. we get her pov. she lives in hollywood and goes home for the first time in a while to the country because her sister (”leni”) is missing. she goes home to try and help find her and finds all kinds of weird mysterious sketchy shit that “leni” has left for her. at the end of the first episode she finds a message from “leni” thats like, leni’s clothes on a doll thats left in some secret spot they both knew with a note that says “you get both lives. choose”. so “gina” is like “wtf leni??” and she goes home pretending to be Leni The Daughter Returned and she decides to play both gina and leni for a while to figure out where leni is and what shes doing.

but so at the end of that first episode where we THOUGHT we had been following GINA the entire time, “gina” decides to play both parts for a bit and in voiceover says “okay gina, i’ll go back to being leni for a bit”. so from the first episode youre made unsure of who youre watching. because leni had been living gina’s life for a year before returning home and going back to being leni. if youre more smart than my dad and i are then it’s probably super clear and easy to follow but for the first half of the series my dad and i kept asking each other “wait so this is leni?” “is this gina?” “is gina now pretending to be leni or is this leni pretending to be gina pretending to be leni?” etc

for the next couple episodes as we now realise we’re in leni’s pov not gina’s, we get to know gina as someone who seems to have been fucking up leni’s life from the inside. stealing a baby horse and some ketamine maybe, having an affair, letting out some horses from the stables, idk im not good with plot but some stuff like that gina has been stirring shit up and now shes missing. so leni is pretending to be both sisters for a while while she tries to get answers about what troublemaker gina was up to and what shes done to leni’s life.

but then at some point the a little past half the series i think, we switch to gina’s pov, we get to see what gina-pretending-to-be-leni for the past year has been doing, and our sympathies switch. instead of gina being the troublemaker we get the impression of gina just trying to wrestle herself free from her sister’s control. because as she says in the clip, theyve been switching lives every year on their birthday since the birth of leni’s daughter, who is like 12 now. leni got married to her high school sweetheart who they already shared back and gina is with someone in hollywood (her THERAPIST lets not get into it ghkgkjgj). so theyre sharing lives, sharing husbands, sharing a child, and nobody knows about this except the two of them (and turns out later the therapist husband too, he went along with it. this whole situation is fucking great)

in the last episode and their house burns down and leni tries to keep gina from escaping the burning house, fails to do so, and then chases gina into the woods. leni is like “nobody understands, why dont you understand i love you more than anything” shes chasing her sister through the woods yelling “I LOVE YOU SO MUCH COME BACK TO ME” it’s Good Shit. leni is like “come home” and gina says “i have no home” and leni goes “IM your home”. GOOD SHIT.

gina tries to get away by crossing a river over a waterfall and leni tries to drown her, they struggle, some family secrets and misunderstandings are brought to light and leni always tried to protect gina from everything etc etc “i had to take care of us. i always take care of us. just come back to me so we can be together” and gina says no and jumps off the waterfall. leni then goes to find gina’s husband charlie and i wish i could put the scene in here but i cant so heres a transcript:

CHARLIE: What happened? LENI: Didn’t the sheriff find you? CHARLIE: She did. THey think it was a suicide. I don’t believe that. LENI: I tried to stop her. CHARLIE: She went over the falls. LENI: Yes. CHARLIE: Why? What did you do? LENI: I didn’t push her! Jesus! CHARLIE: That’s not what I meant. I just want to know what happened. LENI: I followed her into the forest. I told her how much I loved her. It didn’t matter. There was something so broken inside her that no amount of love could heal. CHARLIE: I know there’s a deep hurt in both of you. LENI: You knew. All these years. Why didn’t you say anything? CHARLIE: I thought I was doing the right thing. Being present. Accepting, loving you. LENI: Watching, judging, playing along. CHARLIE: Was it play, for you, Leni? Because it wasn’t for me. It was a life. LENI: Two lives. CHARLIE: Yes. LENI: And now? CHARLIE: Do you think she’s dead? LENI: I don’t know. I thought I’d know. Wouldn’t I know? CHARLIE: You know there’s two images I can’t get rid of. The first one is her body. On the shore of the rvier somewhere in the darkness. Waiting. THe second one is she’s on a bus. Or a plane or something. And she’s happy. But in both cases, I can’t talk to her. I can’t touch her. I can’t hear the sound of her voice. She’s just gone. WIthout a goodbye or any kind of resolution. It’s unfinished. You are her. And not her. LENI: I’m so sorry Charlie. CHARLIE: (he holds her face like hes gonna kiss her) I never judged. I watched, I went along, but I never judged. And I loved both of you. LENI: I love you too. (he doesnt kiss her and leaves)

then at the end of the episode, after a scene in which leni leaves the country with a fake passport and gets told by the airport employee “hey werent you here a few days ago too?” and she goes all “uh no? someone who looked exactly like me? how funny. nope wasnt me :) but out of curiosity where did she go?” after all that theres a scene where charlie reads from the book hes written about leni and gina in a bookstore and someone in a hat and glasses in the back asks him whether gina’s body was ever found. then he goes home and theres someone there and THAT scene goes like this:

CHARLIE: You know it felt silly sometimes, not changing the locks. Like I was holding out too much hope. Not being realistic. GENA??: That doesn’t sound like you. CHARLIE: Well this changed me. Probably for the better. GENA: Thats nice to hear. CHARLIE: You prefer a twist if I remember correctly. GENA: That’s right. CHARLIE: I did think the hat and glasses were a bit much though. GENA: Hat and glasses? CHARLIE: Yes, at the reading, just now? That was you right? Asking the first question? GENA: No? I’ve been waiting here tonight for over an hour. CHARLIE: Hmm... GENA: Hmm ;) CHARLIE: I’ll find out, you know, which one you are. GENA: Maybe. Maybe even I don’t know any more.

anyway so now im contemplating a fucked up codependent thoschei twins au

#mostly just posting this so that if i start posting about some fucked up codependent twins thoschei au you can follow the tag and know what #im talking about gkfjhgjgh #but this whole like #identity thing #and the 'i love you more than anything ive always taken care of us'#and all the murders also #and the fires #thoschei twins au #also like the way in that clip that when gina takes on leni's personality she doesnt just do the mannerisms and stuff #but she immediately starts basically slandering herself #like as leni #shes like 'well gina is fucked up and unstable and you cant trust a word she says'#HMMM GOOD SHIT #it's about the uhhh your self image being so tied to another person #at one point the cop is like 'ive been thinking of these two as two people but i think i need to tthink of them as one person.#maybe then i'll get somewhere'#and also just the. living as each other?? LIKE JUST TAKING EACH OTHER"S HUSBANDS??? FOOLING YOUR KID??#the writing isnt super strong but the PREMISE #the premise is really fun #hence thoschei au

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