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#self worth
jyotsnaahuja · 6 hours ago
Hide & Seek
If I’ve shared
A bit too much
Please forgive me
I also do tend
To apologise a bit much
If I’ve gone
A bit too far
Please excuse me
I tend to leave
More often than I can
Bear to stay
If I’ve done
A bit more than I should
Please pardon me
I wear my heart
On my sleeve
More often than is good
You see...
I’ve always been standing
Where I’ve been missed.
Your shadow’s hard to look at
And not discover
What’s always been amiss
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shadowing-k1ng · 7 hours ago
Happiness post #315
I played final fantasy
I had chinese
And I had ice cream
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reasons-for-recovery · 8 hours ago
Reason #2307
I want to recover for all the ways I am still my own and all the ways I’m rediscovering how to take myself back
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pastelparrotlet · 10 hours ago
Whistle to yourself. Sing yourself songs. You deserve music all the time.
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butterfliesrising · 11 hours ago
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i didn’t know how to measure my worth, and it led me to someone who measured his worth in attention from her, and also her, and her… and any other her to hurt me
he thought there was power in possession and pain, and that a man’s kingdom should be built on the stepping of her back and the forfeit of her crown
so i forfeited. and i faded. but i’m learning things…
like how real lovers don’t come in numbers. they aren’t prisoners. they’re not meant to be suffocated, or left for granted… and how i’m full enough of wonder to hold someone’s attention, that my full voice matters, my full-bodied existence is beautiful, and that a man on the strong side of oppression isn’t the same thing as a man who is strong.
– butterflies rising
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purple-steven · 11 hours ago
Red’s the one that’s been telling you that people don’t love you.. and that you aren’t worth it. They’re the one that almost made Crow.. do that. Please don’t trust whatever they tell you, or give you. The other anon wasn’t lying. They have been using the others to make you feel bad. Trust me hun, they love you and they would never write those things to you.
Says you... I have the fucking letters, so stop lying... Stop trying to prove I'm worth something.
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angelraptor · 11 hours ago
The first time Steve... has an anxiety attack, he's at work and it's instigated by a very annoying customer trying to get more cash than they are owed. The man keeps insisting that Steve is shorting him change but Steve, no, Cas, knows his math, he was once made of geometric forms after all and more besides, he throws himself into everything with the intensity of a oncoming battle so he's memorized the cashier training for this moment. This is his job, his work. He follows everything to the letter (except for one little thing in the store room).
He stays calm, but the man then goes into insulting him, throwing around the words like "useless, child, stupid" the over cooked hotdog smell is suddenly even louder than it was before, the tag in the back of his new shirt is biting into his neck, and the lights way too bright (almost blinding, burning). He feels too hot.
Cas, Steve, runs a hand on the back of his neck, licks his lips, his heart is beating so fast as if he was in a particularly bad fight. He's not. Cas, no, Steve, he's Steve now, he's not in a battle, he's simply trying to do his job.
The customer demands to see the manager and Cas feels anger rise in him but he complies, fear, frustration, panic, swallowing up every cell in his human body. His heart hurts, he can't breathe. The man smells like bad deodorant. It's such a horrible smell. It gives Cas a headache.
"Go take your break." Nora orders, not unkindly, and Cas goes, punches his number in the other register to clock out, 10:30am, rather early for it but he's not complaining, he has thirty minutes.
Begin the timer.
He stumbles into the small store room and sits somewhere between the metal stock shelves, bare, Nora had told him, for the first time in several months from his efforts, wraps his arm around his knees and breathes.
He remembers being in a similar position during his healing after taking on Sam's Cage Trauma, he remembers trying to curl up and vanish into the void as Naomi tapped into his mind and-
No, no, no, he's out now. Even Dean had said, he's safe here and-
Castiel, no, Steve, swallows, his hand still aches from two nights ago. His body sore. Nora had offered him to stay home (ha!) but he'd declined. After all, this was his place now. His reason. Serve his fellow humans food and gas, he was doing a service, easing their lives. This is his work.
But he's not calming down. He feels all ragged and worn. Tired and too full of energy at the same time. His center feels swallowed up by a black hole.
Castiel, yes, Castiel, or Steve, Cas shoves his hands in his pockets between boughts of choking fear and worthlessness, the customer's words shouting in his head, "useless, stupid..." his fingers brush the hard side of his cellphone.
Dean had said to call him if he needed him.
I need you.
The phone picture he picked out for the background... it's the most calming of the phone's pre-downloaded selections. He knows he could choose his own picture but he hasn't had time between needing to sleep, eat, dedicate, urinate, wash himself, work and so forth.
It's the open sky.
Memories of twisting, spinning in the air, through dimensions, at faster than light speed. He was light, a wavelength of radiation. Castiel was-
Phantom limbs creak and crack, the pain is so deep, cored into his center.
He wonders if he can get a picture of Cirrus on his phone instead. There is a camera in it so yes, maybe he can ask Nora how to do it. They are friends.
He thinks they are at least.
Twenty five more minutes to sort himself out.
His hand shakes so bad, Cas can only smell dust and Cirrus' leavings. He needs to clean after her today, the last thing he needs is Nora find out and call the exterminators and Castiel can't be responsible for another death. She's a good friendly rat. Her favorite food are pork rinds.
The store room is dark enough he can think, the only light the little lights on the exit back door and on the electric panel. Cas can think clearly.
Cas isn't sure if this is worse.
I need you I need you I need somebody.
He holds his phone tighter. He can't breathe. He's going to die.
The large white numbers say 10:42 am. He's running out of time.
Call Dean. He thinks, Call Dean
He goes to the little phone icon, presses the button to go to his contacts. Dean's number seems to big, the numbers sharp and cold.
His thumb hovers, one second two.
He hits the button. Brings the speaker to his ear.
One ring.
Two rings.
Three rings.
Four rings.
"Sorry can't come to the phone, if this is an emergency please call Sam or try one of my other, other-"
Cas hangs up.
A stupid phrase for it Cas thinks, hanging up.
An angel, eyeless and swinging...
The shakes are back. He's useless, worthless, alone, and-
Castiel freezes, glances up over just a peak from his arms.
There, in the center of the store room, is Cirrus. The rat, a mix of gray and white like a storm, stands on her hind legs raising her front towards him like she does when she's hungry.
"Oh hello," Cas gives her a small smile, "I don't have any pork rinds today, is beef jerky ok?" Dean had shoved a bunch in his pocket before they parted.
Squeak!!! The mouse answers.
Cas might not understand animals anymore but he can translate that easy enough. He uncurls, wincing a little at the strain in his body, and goes to his bag, hidden along with his sleeping bag under a shelf. He gets a single pack of beef jerky and returns, carefully sitting down across from Cirrus, cross legged and back against a wall. The rat trusts him more now, sometimes even sleeping by his bed roll at night, but he doesn't want to risk alarming her.
"Here my friend." He tosses a small piece closer to her, she makes a small noise, rushes forward and goes for it, snaps it up. He gives her a few more. She gets a little closer each time. He knows rats have a chance of carrying disease and if she bites him, he's human and could become very ill but right now, he can't bother to care.
A death wish perhaps and it wouldn't be the first time he hurt himself befriending another species.
Cirrus takes the last bit of food right by Cas' shoe.
"No more today, I'm sorry." He tells her. "I have no more to give you."
The rat twitches her nose at him. He thinks she'll turn around and leave. After all, why would she not? He has no more food.
But instead...she climbs up to sit on his ankle and, after a bit of time (10:55 now) curls up and falls asleep.
Cas leans back and stares at the ceiling. Something wet forms in the corners of his eyes.
The phone in his hand never buzzes untill it's time to go back to work. He forgot he set the alarm and thinks, just for a second, it's Dean calling him back.
But it's not.
Steve gently shoos the rat off him, promising to come back like he always does, and stands, dusts himself off, puts on a smile, and goes back to his work. His place.
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butterfliesrising · 11 hours ago
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you’ll know… not just in the way they look at you, but in how they’re not looking anywhere else
– butterflies rising
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mygardenoffantasies · 12 hours ago
Don't let the loss of your loved ones destroy the rest of your life. Grieve for them, remember them with love and then gradually, gently, ease them into a secret compartment of your mind and move on.
Diney Costeloe, The Girl With No Name
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cartoonsun · 13 hours ago
performative self love is all fun and games until you stop yourself in the hallway because you realize that you don’t think you’re worth anything and that’s why you do the things you do/are continuously in relationships you’re unhappy in
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