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I’ve lost myself loving you, now I’m slowly finding myself again since you left...
WHY DO I MAKE IT SO EASY FOR PEOPLE TO MANIPULATE ME??????? it’s like i know they’re fucking doing it, but i still just ALWAYS end up feeling bad & apologizing for things that i shouldn’t be sorry for. f uuuu c k
3:06am Sunday, April 11th
I want a break.
I need a break.
It’s not like last time.
It’s not tiredness from life.
I’m not suicidal.
It’s tiredness from my own head; my own self.
I don’t want a break in the sense I need people to see I’m struggling and help me.
I’m not hopeless. I’m not depressed.
I need a break in the sense that I need everyone to step away and the world to grow quiet; for my head to alow me silence for a few moments.
I am so very, extremely stressed.
I clench my jaw enough to feel my teeth crack.
I bite my cheek until I taste blood.
I have night-terror after night-terror.
I can’t get to sleep until it’s already morning.
I don’t even feel tired until the sun has already risen.
I am constantly exhausted.
I can’t do this anymore.
I don’t know how much more my body can take.
She said sometimes when people come out of depression their anxiety symptoms bubble up.
An un-dealt with problem finally surfacing.
It never stops.
“Let’s get your Bipolar episodes under control before we worry about treating your depression.”
Next it’s the depression and anxiety package.
Then it’s possible ADHD.
But maybe it’s Autism.
Or maybe both.
But what if I have C-PTSD?
But probably not. Right?
What if my BP is just a mask for Borderline Personality Disorder?
Probably not though.
Maybe I don’t fucking have any of these.
Maybe I’m just delusional.
But that’s mental illness too.
When does it end?
When do I get to know “Who I am”?
When do I get to know “What I have”?
When do I get to know how to help myself.
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Reason to Live #5459
Because I need to swim in the ocean again. – Guest Submission
(Please don't add negative comments to these posts.)
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In my sleep deprived state this evening, I've been thinking about what it's like to have some form of anxiety versus what people think of when you say you're anxious.
People seem to think of anxiety as an emotional state, like being worried about something vaguely logical, or being under stress. I guess it can be that. That's like being in the forest but losing your way. You know the path is somewhere but you can't find it for the life of you. It's stressful. You have to have the nerve to keep walking in what you think is the best direction until you find the path again or maybe some sign of civilization.
Then there's having a form of anxiety disorder. That's the same scenario, you're lost in the woods. Only now it's really foggy out. You can barely see a foot or so ahead of you. Is that the same tree you passed an hour ago? No way to tell. Shit, it's cold now. The fog is damp and cold and it's seeping into your bones. You can't stop your teeth from chattering. What the fuck was that noise? Are there wolves out here? Bears? A psychopathic guy in a clown mask stalking you with a knife?? Holy shit, time to pick up the pace. Your heart is racing now. You can hear and feel the rapid thumping of it in your ears. You can barely breathe. Could you try and find a climbable tree? No point, you couldn't get traction on the damp tree bark and even if you could get up there you wouldn't be able to see anything. Now the fog is getting thicker. You can barely see an inch in front of you. A twig just snapped somewhere behind you but you have no idea where.
That's kind of how I think it works. Having an anxiety disorder transforms a tense survival situation into a full on horror film, and honestly even though I know people are only trying to help when they list all the things that help them when they feel anxious, it still feels kind of shitty if they don't understand the difference in those scenarios.
i really need help its getting bad again and this time i won't last
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A poem By T.S Blood-Wolf
Anxiety - tormentor of my dreams
The dread despondency desiring
All my soul within me spiering
And its eyes have all the thirsting
The unrest smiled
My anticipation, I could not awaken
By the grave I saw the disturbances
The dread smiled
The violence laughed
The direful dreaming desiring
The advancement seemed happy and squiring
It was most acquiring
I have dreamed of the changes
Eagerly I looked for the signing
The upcoming unease upcoming
I crave the wandering, welcome wariness
Becoming, with my homecoming
With such a passion for upcoming
The honor never overcoming
I crave the honorable, honorary honour
'It's that signature,' I muttered
My resentment, I could not awaken
I was worry and it was my fate.
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GOOD NIGHT 😴🥱🌃🌙✨ TOMORROW IS BRAND NEW DAY TO BE THE BEST VERSION OF YOURSELF. #goodnight #truth #overthinking #Anxiety #mindset #mindsetiseverything #trusttheprocess #lifegoals #positivevibes #positivity #positiveenergy #goals #mylife #myjourney #weightlossblogger #weightlossjourney #weightlosstransformation #weightlossmotivation #weightlossgoals #weightlossinspiration #motivation #gym #gymmotivation #beforeandafter #tomorrow (at Romeoville, Illinois) https://www.instagram.com/p/CN1LjmgDPZz/?igshid=w3s0009bjsbf
I am planning my next cxts;
Can't wait to get home.
I'm having such a bad panic attack. I just want to sleep but I literally cant catch my breath and it feels so scary. Anxiety is honestly the worst.
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I wonder if anyone realized in school how I reacted when we had to watch certain movies in class. Like in A.P. Psych when we watched Awakenings. Or A.P. Spanish when we watched The Sea Inside. Both of those rattled me. Because of my father and all the trauma that came with him. At least the people in those movies didn’t have his narcissism or abuse their families.
Idk my dudes I’m just thinking some things. I didn’t have a great day and my anxiety is bad. Sometimes I forget I have all of this trauma and then it all comes rushing in at once. I’ve tried writing it all down but that just brings even more of it out and all the anger with it. And the anxiety comes out of nowhere and it really sucks. Maybe it’s these stupid wrong hormones. If it is I hate it.
Me: wow I'm feeling kind of happy...
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Goopy self portrait
A couple weeks ago I was at the grocery store in the checkout lane. The woman who was ringing me up looked so cool: tattoos, bangs, her hair in a ponytail and coloured different shades of red, cute cat-eye glasses, and gauges in her ears. I thought to myself, “This person looks so cool. I wanna tell her that. Should I tell her? That’s embarrassing, though! What if she thinks I’m weird? What if it comes out all creepy?” I paid for my things and after we exchanged the usual customer-cashier farewells, I just said it. I told her that her gauges looked cool. She said, “Thank you!” and smiled and we parted.
Amid the anxious thoughts and worries I had, there was one thought that pervaded it all: It would make me happy if someone complimented me. Sometimes it makes my whole day better. So, I complimented someone. To some, that action might seem like no big deal. But if you have a fear of social interaction, then something as small as telling someone their gauges look cool is a very big deal.
sometimes i feel like I message people too much
i might be overreacting, but i feel like i do.
sorry if if that’s true n.n; i just like talking to my friends too much
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Consider this thumb useless for the next couple days :/
i HATE being ignored
when i was in high school i dated this guy for like years... all the way until undergrad and he would just randomly ignore me to cheat. he would stop talking to me for weeks. i would call him and text him and he would never respond. i would go on his social media page and he would just keep ignoring me and it sucked. i would feel sick and afraid and then he would randomly hit me up like nothing happened and would pop up at my place. it was awful.
when i was little i had hella siblings and i’m not very loud when i talk so i got drowned out a lot. even in adulthood sometimes i’m talking to people but i’m so softspoken that many times people don’t hear me. of course my parents ignore me they’ve always done that. today i was talking to my twin sister and i was so excited and she just was responding back to herself. being ignored makes me feel sick tbh. sometimes i get scared because i think the person is trying to secretly harm me if they know me well. other times i feel like the person is finding entertainment out of me reaching out trying to understand why they are ignoring me.
sometimes i’m very afraid of people. i’m afraid that everyone will turn on me or that i trust people too often. sometimes i get exhausted thinking like this. i feel like many people don’t care about me and I want to get away from everything and everyone.
this weekend was awful. i felt really sad and anxious and i keep dipping in and out of depression. i kept feeling like for most of my life i’ve been looking for love, nurturing and care from people since my parents didn’t do it. I felt scared. I felt like my inner child was terrified to realize that I didn’t receive these gifts as a child. i didn’t know these were gifts i thought they were rewards for if you did somethings right or made someone happy.
tomorrow i figure out some health issues and i feel afraid in my head i keep telling myself i want my mom. i keep thinking about this situation with an old friend ignoring me and want to talk to my dad. i want someone to listen to me and give me that safety that everything is ok but i don’t even know what that feels like. i’ve never experienced that. i’ve nurtured myself through out my life with music and poetry and i just feel so tired now, like who is going to do it back ?
Daddy does not agree with my self doubt. I've never had someone defend me and reassure me so adamantly.