Hi! This year (2022), I’ve decided to share a poem on my blog and podcast and read it aloud. It’s all a part of my quest to be brave and apparently the things that I’m scared about still include:
My spoken voiceMy raw poems.
Thanks for being here with me and cheering me on, and I hope that you can become braver this year, too!
Hey, thanks for listening to Carrie Does Poems.
The music you hear…
Where to put it, how to tame its insurmountable spirit.
How to sing it lullabies for my voice always crackles up.
How to call out its name without fearing the worst.
What to say to it when it comes running to me like a child.
What to whisper in its ears so as to soothe its wild nerves.
I know I can very well discard it, get rid of it forever, but if that would have been possible, i would not be writing this poem today titled, "what do I do with my grief"
I know not how it's so capable of being so alive when I, the harbourer, has died so many times.
Isn't this grief that I carry in my belly, my child?
If that's the case, it should have died long time ago.
But here it is, chuckling and stretching its limbs, looking at me with its endearing eyes, waiting to be picked up with utmost affection.
I’m used to abrupt love. Love that consumes you from the very first touch. Love that makes you question everything about yourself, and them. And how you could change yourself to make them love you more.
But, the more I think about it. The clearer it becomes that what I have experienced isn’t love. It’s careless, it’s hard work. It’s time consuming. It creates anxiety and fear, a dependency for their continued acceptance. An urgency for their attention. Like a starving child who cannot communicate they need food.
This is different. This is slow. There is no urgency or pressure. I can exist and know whole heartedly he wants to exist with me, in whatever reality we choose. I can breathe and he will listen and still think I’m beautiful. I don’t have to change any part of myself to make him love me, because he chooses me just as I am. And I am enough.
one warm April evening
the sun went down early
the seas swept away the castles
built for dreams to live in
the waves returned, hurried and eager
in the wet sands
they dug deeper
as if something precious was lost
but they returned
without their castles to peek into
without those walls to protect
life was like that
one day, you had everything
and by the evefall, everyone had left
the…
Isn't it nice to have nothing and still have a heart that's sprouting lillies and marigolds from all its corners?
As if all the rain of the world is set to fall upon it and make every inch of my little heart flourish and prosper.
What greater blessing can there be, if one's heart is a garden full of life, even if the outside world is a perfect apocalyptic mess, always ready to make you fall down on your knees, like a helpless victim of war.