Recently I have been seeing a lot of you in the market, when I'm walking or when I'm driving
by. I get a glimpse of someone and I think its you but it can't be you not only because of the
miles between us but also because of the distance between our hearts. You cannot be here
because you are so far away but even if you could you would not be here for you have chosen
to steer away from me.
And then when I paid attention to these shadows that looked like you
they weren't you it was just my heart hoping it'd be you. It was not you but a guy wearing a
shirt just like yours, the shirt that made your eyes pop and that I always called my favourite so
you wore it all the time.
It was not you but someone who had eyebrows like you the eyebrows
that just needed to be raised for me to be calm and stop my nonsensical childlike ramblings.
It was just someone whose body structure was similar to you to the body that I had mapped
out entirely in our love making sessions but it was not just people who bore a resemblance to
you it was anyone, infact at times it was even no one, just the wind.
So as I sit here listening to
some heartwrenching playlist on spotify on full blast I have come to realise you were not here
and maybe it wasn't even people who looked like you for I was not even paying attention to
these people. It's just my head playing games with me making me see you and then make you invisible
in a blink.
For I'm intoxicated by your thoughts. You are all I can think of these days.
It's my heart trying to find pieces of you in other people and it's my soul trying to feel you in
the wind. You're all I think of, try to find you in strangers that I do not even pay attention to, find you in the wind when it blows hard thinking if I'd embrace it maybe I'd get a part of you.
And then I wonder have I lost my mind. This is what it's like in those tragic novels when the
protagonist falls helplessly in love with someone and lose their head. This thought is exciting
and frightening at the same time but also it tries me to the core, it places an unbearable weight
on my heart.
The weight isn't of me losing my head because of my unrequited love for you but
if this is one of those love stories, how does it end? Will we get a happy ending where all of this
is worth it and I have you in the end and gain my sanity or is this the one where even despite of
everything my heart is never able to get to yours and I lose my heart and head all together. This thought has
been messing with my head and I'm ready to carry this weight but my heart is growing silent.
I'm putting all of my energy onto this and I do not have enough for the rest of the world. I'm
tired and exhausted but I'm not complaining I chose this, it's just. The darkness in my soul grows
and it's rotting my heart day by day, it's trying to eat me up and feed on my soul. It's my love
for you and I fight with it every day but I really wish at times when my heart gets so tired and exhausted it had you to take energy from.
I wish I could rest this weary head on that strong
shoulder of yours and maybe this vessel could be strengthened by your embrace. But it's just a
wish isn't it? For if you were here to hold me I wouldn't be needing all this energy anyways.
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Ages ago, in another city, on another bus, I sat so at the windows, looking outward, inventing for each flying face which trapped my brief attention some life, some destiny, in which I played a part. I was looking for some whisper, or promise, of my possible salvation. But it seemed to me that morning that my ancient self had been dreaming the most dangerous dream of all.
- James Baldwin, Giovanni’s Room
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chaotic academia things pt 2-
doing homework in the middle of the night cause that's when you work best
reading the entire book before the test
tea bags everywhere
having a clock that's a couple minutes behind so you won't be late
having a sudden urge in the middle of the night to learn something new
checking out as many books as possible at a time
strutting or skipping to class
chatting with teachers and professors about very random stuff
finding a word you like and then saying it in every sentence
writing crappy poetry in between the lines of homework
rereading that one book that you actually liked for English
Vampire Weekend-Vampire Weekend
knowing only the curse words in foreign languages
wearing a nice outfit with crazy socks
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