09.04
Back this week from spending the mid-trimester break in Queensland, visiting my family with my fiancé.
I so hoped that this lethargy and distinct lack of motivation towards my studies would disappear when I returned. Maybe it's second-year blues, or maybe it's a lack of a vision for the future of where this degree could take me. Whatever the reason though, I can only keep pushing forward and taking one day at a time.
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[ 17th april, 2024 • DAY 66/145 ]
-> classes (total: 2h00)
-> watched the introduction videos for CG (12/12)
-> studied Comp (read wiki + did all the exercises available - i'm a bit perplexed because we didn't talk about the theory related to these exercises but as long as i can manage i guess it's fine)
-> volleyball practice (total: 2h00)
-> finished Part II of Klara and the Sun
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That thing when you ask your professor a question and they get that distant look in their eyes and stare into space for a while and you can see them racking their brain for an answer and then, they get really excited when they realize that they dont know so now they have an excuse to research something new >>>
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gentle reminder you can rise up from everything. you can recreate yourself. nothing is permanent. you are not stuck. you have choices. you can think new thoughts. you can learn something new. you can create new habits. all that matters is that you decide today and never look back.
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We need to get a little uncomfortable for a minute. But it's ok. You have to be uncomfortable in order to grow.
You're going to fail. You're going to disappoint people and yourself. You're going to have moments where you're so overwhelmed that you're curled in a ball crying and frustrated. You're going to miss important milestones. You're going to drop the ball so many times things seem impossible. You're going to fail. You're going to be mean. You're going to be a bad person at points. It's life. It happens. You just need to understand that it happens. And on those days where you want to dissappear and never be seen again because everything is too much, your brain is going to amplify all these faults and failures and make them seem worse.
Babe. We all go through this. We ALL fail. We ALL make awful choices and fuck people and ourselves over. We ALL will have moments where we are the villains. Where we completely fail a lot of people in our lives due to bad decisions. It will happen. Probably multiple times. What matters is that you recognize these things and make appropriate changes in your life to help make sure that next time isn't as bad. Maybe start learning time management so you're not stressed constantly and blowing up on everyone. Maybe find a healthy outlet like painting or the gym or cooking. Find small, simple joys to make life better. It's going to suck. You're going to be the bad guy. But that's not your entire life.
It's uncomfortable and hard to sit with. Sometimes things are your fault. Sometimes you make bad choices and they fuck your life up and fuck others over at the same time. It happens. You can't change the past, but you have the power to change your future. You can change your future. Talk to people. Find yourself outlets. Learn skills. Things get better, but they only do so if you put the effort for them to do so. I love you. You're trying. And that's all you can do. And one day you'll slip backwards and feel so defeated but when that happens, you'll have many tools to help you get even further. I promise babe everything will be ok.
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