“Okay good,” he answered but it seemed like he wanted to say something else. He opened his mouth, closed it again and frowned. I’ll never know what he wanted to say in that moment and maybe he didn’t know either. There was so much between us that was impossible to put into words. There were so many feelings that we could only convey with a look or a touch or a smile because sometimes words just aren’t enough. Sometimes we need something more.

I wish I could tell you how much I missed you. How much time I consume every day thinking about the possibilities of being with you. I wish I was there when all the sacrifices and sadness finally said goodbye to you. I wanted to be the person you run when you're not feeling okay or you're having a bad day. I want it to be me. I wish I could bring back the old days — simple things are the greatest memories of all.

archive moodboard for myself.

I’ve changed so much that I barely recognised myself.

i had nightmares when i wasn’t even asleep, my mind was wide awake but i had to close my eyes so i don’t get to witness this terror, my hands were paralyzed i couldn’t get it off me, it started to climbing my soul, then it cut me wide open, i felt the cold air between my lungs, my body was freezing as my heart was turning blue, i don’t wanna be put down, there’s things i wanted to do, i want to see the world, to witness the beauty of it before i go, i wanted to make it up for myself as much as i can, i wanted to have the peace i deserve, and the people that i loved, but i couldn’t say it all cus i saw my soul leaving me, and i was so helpless i couldn’t call.

3/31/21

I felt so lonely this morning like I had no mother and all my friends had left. Then she texted me. Why must the only thing I can’t say no to text me while I am in the most melancholy mood? How can she still drain me of all I have to give and still come back? Still, the mouthers milk will never be enough for a greedy baby. why must you always make me the fool, you sick cruel girl? I want to bury you under the ivory pillars of my temple, I don't want to remember you or what I lost what you took away from me. I lost myself to you, I had to go back to my own mirror to swallow the broken shards and rearrange them in my guts, I had to find the painful parts of me to replace the softness you stole. The beauty that still lingers is jaded and bitter and the painful shards of reflection will never dull. I am broken and I don't know how to put myself back together. I don't think I can, I’m not sure if I ever will.

-S

If I need to ask for it, I don't want it anymore.

and I realised no thoughts of mine were actually my own.

How does it feel, to have a changing weather for a lover?

When it's a beautiful summer day, you see the bees jumping from flower to flower. The sun illuminates the land, sending down warm kisses to her hair.

You take a deep breath. The air genly caressing your face smells of the most beautiful flowers, as if they were hand-picked for your taste.

Everything seems so peaceful, unreal levels of peace and love within you.

And then the storm comes, chilling you to the bone. Scaring you to the very center of your being. The wind swirls amd gushes, making whistling sounds. And the raindrops you feel on your skin are drops no more.

Lightning hits the trees, there's nowhere to hide now.

And just moments ago, peace and love flourished.

But both of these moments are beautiful.

A summers storm, dashimg and screaming.

Not understood

Not warmed up

But only few will find beauty

In the storm above a flower-filled land.

So won't you come to terms

With the fact that

This scenery occupies my heart?

Every time you utter that 3 worded sentence

And your hand cups my cheek

My world flourishes and peace is within me

But with every word left unsaid, or remark, my eyes grow heavy and the sky falls on me. It seems like every critique I get makes me feel more and more worthless instead of inspiring change, but that's a topic for another day.

The tears I swallow are the calm before the storm.

And then it just takes a tick.

Just a sound.

For someone to call out my name

Or to ask if I'm fine.

And I will cry, let those tears rain down on my face like the loudest storm I've felt in me.

My eyes widen

My voice grows quiet

My arms begin to shake

And just as if I was in a field caught in the middle of rain, I try to find a place to hide.

Hiding from my own internal cracking, seeking comfort in your arms and praying to God and the angels and everything and everyone one could pray to that for once in my life someone will say these feelings are valid.

The sun I give out is praised

Yet the storm isn't

But we need storm to water all the flowers grown under the sun, do we not?

So next time you see me

Crying in public

Or school

Or church

Ask yourself if shaming helps this storm in me? I water the flowers growing in my garden.

Maybe my garden is healthier than yours

Because a good rain can make all the difference in the world

As long as my love can be my shelter.

|untitled|

# woah!

# do you liked it?

# i loved it though 💕

But I’m too in love with death to be called one of the livings.

The candles are all burnt out and my stomach sighs. Why does my tongue still want more, why does it have to take after my heart? I keep satisfying the two, fucking everything else up in that Sisyphean task. Let it go, let them have their way tonight, whispers my brain. It has its own agenda in mind. When it's 2 am and my body want to lie down, it will dance around like a little ballerina charming the rest of me to stay awake till the birds welcome the dawn.

Parts of me 

Oh and my lover, she’s a biter, she had my heart and spat it out as if it was the most disgusting thing that ever touched her gracious mouth. Oh that hurts me. That really kills me.

You said that you would never hurt me, but you did. Is it true that promises are made to be broken? If that's true then am I a promise? Because people come and go, leaving me in pieces. The butterflies choked to death. They drowned in my tears and my heartache. I think I'm dying too. Maybe I'm already dead.

- I'm dying and you're not here to save me.

you are made of starlight, every inch of your skin its a galaxy I crave to explore.

Does your heart whisper my name in your ear? Ever? Do you still remember how my name tasted? I haven't seen you since you left me crying and screaming your name like a war cry. Tell me, do you still think of me?

“you could never replicate the aura of a woman who knows her purpose. it runs deeper than what you see, she’s done soul work, you can never imitate that.”

— iambrillyant

16. He wasn’t just a bridge standing tall in the middle of the storm. He was the sunlight driving away the rain and the clouds and the darkness.