It's unreal. The light is streaming in through the windows, the curtains still drawn to block out the midday heat, tinging their living room in golden hues that match so well with the light grey fabric of their new sofa.
Eddie should probably snap out of it and head over to the windows, open the curtains and let the light in, and with it the warmth and fresh air of a surprisingly wonderful day.
It's March, he hears the echoes of Steve's giddy voice a week or two ago. Everything's better in March.
Eddie didn't agree then, and he's not sure he agrees now, but he must admit there is something magical about this moment.
Still he remains rooted to the spot, leather jacket heavy on his shoulders, his hands hidden in the sleeves of it, just in case this really is a dream. Just in case someone will come in and snap him out of it, take away their couch and leave an eviction notice.
It's dumb. But Eddie doesn't deal well with things that are unreal. Things that he knows aren't meant for him. Things that he knows he only gets in this one play-through of his life, while millions of other Eddie Munsons are out there in parallel universes who never get to even lay eyes upon a couch this nice. Let alone buy it. From their own real adult money.
It's a corner sofa, the fabric light grey, and he remembers it being harder than it looks. Solid. Just perfect for both their fucked up backs, scar tissue pulling if they sit wrong for too long, phantom pain and muscle aches coming in hot when all they want is to just relax and enjoy a lazy evening.
Eddie bites his lip, trailing his eyes along the pristine fabric, the pillows lining the back of it, the flawless stitches keeping everything in shape.
They have a couch now. A sofa.
It's so fucking unreal.
He drops to the floor right then and there, sitting with his back against the wall, and never once taking his eyes off their sofa. It feels important to look at it for a while. It feels important to wait for Steve. It feels... It feels like maybe he'll ruin everything if he goes and sits on it now.
And it feels really fucking big.
At some point he hears the front door opening, their lock going so smoothly now that Steve fixed it with some graphite, and the sound makes Eddie smile. That's another thing that's unreal. The key barely making any noise, the lock not rattling, the door not creaking and cracking. Eddie pulls a strand of hair between his lips, the smile feeling too silly for this room, for this home, for everything he gets to have now.
For all the tiny things that matter now. All the tiny things he gets to have, turning the key's smooth slide into an allegory of everything he ever wanted but never dared to hope for.
The slide of curtains, the click-click-click of the window handle being turned to let the air in. The breeze of fresh spring air dancing around his nose.
It's all a little much. It's so fucking addicting.
And then Steve. Socked feet coming to a stop beside him, a hand landing in his hair, a voice that's so endlessly warm and fond and maybe a little worried sounding from above him, "Hi, angel."
"Hi," Eddie says, tearing his eyes away from their couch to meet Steve's. The sunlight from the windows hugs him, making him glow. Eddie smiles. He smiles and smiles and never wants to stop.
Steve hums as he leans down to press a kiss to his forehead, and Eddie weaves his arm through Steve's legs, holding onto his knee.
Everything feels a little less silly now. Like every time Steve doesn't question his little moments of sitting on the floor and just staring at things.
"We have a couch now," Eddie says, because it feels important to point out. Because Steve isn't looking at it.
"We do," he hums. "I got the call earlier. Thanks for helping with that, baby."
Eddie nods again, leaning his cheek against Steve's knee and trailing the couch again with his eyes. It looks brighter now that the curtains don't turn the room into something out of a sepia-type movie anymore.
Steve's hands comb through his hair, massaging his scalp a little with his nails. It's nice. It's warm. It's pretty.
And it's so unreal.
"I'm twenty-four," Eddie says then, and some part of him wants to carve that into the fabric. He won't. But maybe he should carve it somewhere else. "And I own a couch. It's a little crazy."
Steve comes to sit down beside him, their shoulders pressed together and he links their hands, resting them in his lap after a brushes a kiss to Eddie's knuckles.
"Why's it crazy, angel?"
He shrugs, resting his head on Steve's shoulders and curling into his warmth some more.
"Most of my life I never thought either of those would happen, y'know."
Another hum, followed by another kiss to the crown of his head. Another smile.
"But you did it," Steve whispers. "You made it. And we've got a couch now."
"We've got a couch now."
Saying it out loud doesn't make it feel any realer. It only makes his heart race and his eyes prick.
"I love you," he says, finally looking away from pretty grey fabric to meet prettier hazel eyes. "I love you so much."
Steve leans in, kissing the tip of his nose. "I love you. Thank you for buying a couch with me."
And it occurs to Eddie then that Steve understands him. Sitting there on the floor with him, hearing his words and listening to those unsaid, understanding Eddie on such a fundamental level that it should be scary. And it is, sometimes.
But he's not scared now. Because they have a couch. And they have pretty curtains that keep the light outside and still turn the room into something magical. And they have a lock that only needed a bit of graphite to let the keys glide smoothly.
And they have each other.
They stay on the floor until Steve's stomach growls, and they eat dinner with their backs against the couch and Eddie's feet in Steve's lap. They hold each other close after dinner, just breathing each other in as the breeze blows around them.
In the end, Eddie is the first to sit on the couch, with Steve standing between his legs and giving him a scalp massage in silence. In the end, Eddie buries his face in Steve's stomach to hide the tears, and Steve lets him.
Because this is real. And he gets to have this. They both do.
🤍 permanent tag list gang: @skiddit @inklessletter @aringofsalt @hellion-child @stobin-cryptid@hotluncheddie @gutterflower77@auroraplume@steddieonbigboy @n0-1-important@stevesjockstrap @brainvines @puppy-steve @izzy2210 @itsall-taken @mangoinacan13 @madigoround@pukner@i-amthepizzaman @swimmingbirdrunningrock @hammity-hammer @stevesbipanic@bitchysunflower @estrellami-1 @finntheehumaneater @goodolefashionedloverboi @awkwardgravity1 (lmk if you want on or off, for this story or permanently)
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some thoughts on the beef...
now, i will preface this by the admission: i did my masters thesis on kendrick lamar.
so the bias runs deep. from the moment in 2013 when i first listened to bitch, don't kill my vibe and realised he'd perfectly encapsulated the idea of get your noise away from me, kendrick became a key figure for me. my entire adolescence was characterised by the releases of to pimp a butterfly and DAMN.
i was born and raised christian, but i only started to fully explore that after listening to faith.
i was born and raised in an egyptian household, but i only started to fully identify with what that means after complexion.
my highschool teacher once said to us that there will be no amount of growth in a time period unlike from your 18th to your 21st. and i can testify this. DAMN came out when i turned 18. mr morale and the big steppers came out after i finished being 21.
and, as always, kendrick knew what i needed. that a song about the lifelong affects of trauma and dealing with grief, with pain, with shame. i remember listening to mother i sober for the first time and bursting into tears on my bedroom floor because i never thought he would actually go where i needed him the most.
and now, we're here. that dr*ke is a pedophile. i won't censor that word, but i will censor his name. his artist name deserves no more respect. if anything, it should be that aubrey is a pedophile. and whilst these allegations still need to be proved to be true with evidence, i think it's worth noting something.
kendrick's suffered from the affects of abuse. why would he make light of it and throw them around so carelessly?
if anything, we've seen how nothing he does is careless. everything is so carefully thought out, so methodically thought out with even the most minute details being considered with the utmost deliberation.
aside from that, there's too much pain for that to be the case.
this could've been a good example of the sport. it's what it started out as. it's not worth going through all the subtle disses kendrick has dished out in his career. if anything, his pulitzer prize should be enough proof that a rap diss could remain as is; a rap diss.
but this wasn't a mere rap diss. this was mr morale in action and providing a real life example of the stories and themes he explores in his songs. the affects of unchecked corruption within the self. the affects of generational trauma and how the cycle continues - unless you stop and look in the mirror.
-- + -- + --
we should've known
how a son was finally shown
like the apple with the bruise
it's all coming loose
treat the world like your whore
only for it to reveal
your rotten core
(pls, seek him. heal.)
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you are 23
and your hands hold steady the block of wood you are shaping
and the sweet aromatic smell of sawdust is curling around you
maybe your mother’s voice floats through an open door
to tell you a meal is ready
maybe you still have something to learn about carpentry
as you work alongside Joseph
30 years is a long time to spend waiting
quietly faithful,
caring for your mother and your father, for your sisters and your brothers
working with your hands ‘til the hands of God are calloused
going to the synagogue to hear your words read week upon week
you are 23
you are patient
building a whole life of not my will but yours, Father
maybe you pick up a nail from the workbench
look at it
and know 10 years from now
rough hands will hold you down and drive a spike through your wrist
spilling blood onto rough wood
maybe you are already making that sacrifice now
quietly faithful
maybe you can teach me how to be 23
waiting, quietly faithful
caring for my mother and my father, my sisters and my brothers
working with the hands God gave me
hearing your words week upon week
build in me a whole life of not my will but yours, Jesus
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Resolve 🪷
🌸🌺🌼
In a breath of fresh air, long craved,
I confront a stalemate, deliberated and braved.
Acceptance soothes wounds, as medicine to pain,
Relieved by absence, where my presence was in vain.
Beyond your walls, my refuge lies,
Unwelcome, I'll seek under different skies.
Your space perturbed, my journey denied,
Battles fought, answers reveal in high tide.
As long as my feet can tread,
Wisdom sought, no path unread,
Against dead ends, I'll forge ahead,
Sails set for new horizons, spirit led.
JI🪻
04-25-24
🌻🌷🌹
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