The night my sister died
the moonlight dusted my room and i sneezed- she knocked on my door, something she’d never done before
I called to her and she came in
She was crying big boiling tears as she sat down on my bed. they burned and bubbled their way down her cheeks and onto my chemistry homework. i frowned at the smudged ink. her weight made no dip when she clutched my hands in hers and told me:
“i hope you forget
i hope you forget all of me but, unfortunately, i know you better than anyone else. i know you like nature knows itself. all i am is branch knowing breeze.
You are the wind: ever free and flowing and i- i am the tree, stuck fast where i stand and desperately growing towards something the would end me should i get too close. the tree will fall eventually, for a house or warmth, book or tissue.
but the wind will never die, it will never be felled. it circulates the world only to greet the same tree with the same gentleness as years ago.
so tomorrow when you wake up and find me all gone (again) know that it is not your fault. i was never meant to stay for quite so long and you and i will eventually agree;
its better this way.”
she said this to me, patted my cheek and wiped her eyes, and left, quieter than ever before.
i closed my chemistry notebook, its pages damp and ruined. i never finished that assignment. i began to think:
she claimed branch knowing breeze, but we were more.
she was no breeze; we are roots knowing storm.
swirling spiraling sky and earth. she was more than mere fuel for burning hearth.
and she forgot the danger of the baneful gale. she was strength who gripped tight, through rain or hail.
no tears are needed when the tree is gone. as long as its roots continue clinging on.
she was the hidden prized possession, the godly gardener’s greatest obsession.
and no matter how often her tree had died, she surged back strong (until she couldn’t anymore), her fate defied.
her death was brutal, forceful and quick. it reduced her heavenly roots down to stick
but the most important words she left behind? hurricane winds killed tree every time.
-Time of Death: 1:34 PM (roots and all)
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“if I must believe in anything, I choose this: my lover / whispering, in my next life, I want to be / the bird that rests on your branches— / knowing the whole while / in my next life, I want to be / is already a complete sentence.”
from “Beast At Every Threshold” by Natalie Wee
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Untitled #3
Im so desperate to feel butterflies in my stomach
I keep shoving moths in my mouth
Wanting nothing more then flowers blooming in my chest
I’m clawing my hands through the mud
Why can’t I wash the grief from my finger nails
From my hands
From my fingers
No soap can clean away the mess of pain
She always used to take my breath away
But one day she didn’t give it back
So how am I supposed to breathe
The same way
Or at all
Hugs don’t feel safe
Hands don’t feel kind
And lips don’t feel real
All I want is love that is real
But what in left with is gash
An open wound
11/11/2022
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butch nonspecific bean bag bears. they should let me design toys for children actually
their names are handy, married, grease, and freak ❤️
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i had been used for my body before, i didn't mind it. i had a good trick about it - i didn't have to be there, not in my skin. i could wear the mirror, wear the puppet. you would see your perfect girl, a little monster i had concocted. she would glisten, distilled out of my own blood and venom. it meant i would be using you instead - you think you are taking from me? darling, i think this is a fucking joke, a role i am playing. you can't hurt me, i'm not present for the event. this is just a body, like a book is only words.
and then you came into my life, easy and honest. reaching for my hand in the crowded holiday market. passing me a water before i realize i'm thirsty. checking on me once, twice - the first time i said i'm okay, you knew i was lying. i keep thinking about the shape of your blue eyes and the wild of your hair the last time i saw you. how you got out of my car and when you looked back, i was looking back too. your quiet breathing in a hotel room.
you kissed me like you meant it, is the thing.
i don't know how to be a person yet, not fully. i don't know how to let you kiss me and touch bone. i tell my friends i hate this so much i want to throw up. your name slips into my head - i am no longer really ever alone. a little frazzled heartrate keeps splattering against my collarbone. my therapist asked yesterday - why are you afraid? what is the cost of vulnerability?
a terrifying thought: when i'm with you, it feels like finally coming home.
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