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bellatrixobsessed1 · 5 months

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Mother's Scrapbook

Summary: The Fire Family takes a vacation to Seychelles. Azula is trying to start a summer romance with the tour guide and Ursa just wants to take one photograph with her daughter.

She meets the girl by chance on the shores of La Digue when the sun is high and the heat is rolling. She has a pretty smile that competes with the sunlight. Azula supposes that it isn’t pure happenstance, she had booked the tour afterall. An all day excursion of the island and the next one over.

Where happenstance comes into play is that her initial tour guide has fallen ill—parasites of some sort in his fish dinner. So she has met the man’s daughter.

It is just she and mother for this particular adventure. Zuzu had wanted to go snorkeling, a means of making good on his promise to Katara that he would bring back neat pictures of the ocean. Of course, uncle wanted to tag along. Truth be told, she wouldn’t have been able to guess that father was fond of snorkeling. Apparently he is interested in the stingrays.

Mother on the other hand has a particularly adventurous spirit. It is one thing that they share.

She just hopes that the woman won’t be overly gushing about this.

The girl, who introduces herself as Seicho has a deeper complexion and pretty, soft brown eyes. She wears a wooden turtle necklace, likely hand-carved. “So you guys are staying in one of those spa resorts?”

Azula nods. She has been enjoying the Rock Spa and its jacuzzi and manicure services. “We have a garden villa.”

“That sounds lovely.”

Ursa nods. “The facials and massages are amazing. My husband claims that he didn’t enjoy it but I haven’t seen him this relaxed in decades.” She ends with a chuckle.

Seicho returns it. “Well first things first. I’ll show you around Anse Source D’argent.”

.oOo.

Most of the photos she snaps have been candid and stealthy. Azula doesn’t care for taking pictures. It has been so long since the two of them have bonded and there is so much that she doesn’t know about her own daughter. She only has this sneaking suspicion that the girl doesn’t like to be photographed because she has a habit of finding flaws where there are none.

Mostly Ursa has been capturing nature shots, picturesque panoramas of the palm trees and the hiking trail before them. She has managed capture a few images of slumbering flying foxes and white fairy terns just before they took flight.

Somehow it had been much harder to take a picture of Azula. But finally she has one. The image shows up on her camera screen; Azula is squatting in front of one of several tortoises attempting to feed it a handful of leaves while Seicho stands to her left, stroking the tortoise’s shell.

Ursa smiles at the photograph. Decidedly, her next mission will be to convince Azula take at least one photo together. She can’t remember the last time that the two of them have been in a picture together, let alone one that features just the two of them. It would be a lovely addition to her scrapbook.

“Do you want to try to feed them, mother?” Azula asks.

“Of course I would.”

Azula takes the camera from her and Ursa allows herself to be on the other side of the lens for a change.

“We should take a picture together.” She suggests a little ways down the hiking trail.

“Here?” Azula furrows her brows. “Shouldn’t we find a more scenic spot?”

It isn’t a yes, but it certainly implies that she might just get that photo of the two of them, if she chooses just the right setting. It is only night one of their vacation. Ursa smiles to herself, she has a feeling that she will get that photo eventually.

.oOo.

From atop her granite perch, Azula kicks her feet at water that reflects a mango-pink lemonade sunset. The rocks look pink in this light and Seicho’s face is painted a soft gold. The girl’s hand falls atop hers.

“It’s pretty isn’t it?”

It would be much easier to make the most of the moment if mother wasn’t there observing and giving her what is supposed to be an encouraging thumbs up. It only brings color to her cheeks and she hopes that Seicho hasn’t spotted the woman.

Azula nods. “I’ve seen sunsets in Hawaii, The Maldives, and Tahiti. I like this one the most.” Although, nothing truly compares to the volcanoes in Hawaii. “It’s a good way to end the first evening.” She wonders how Zuzu, father, and uncle are doing. She speculates that they are probably making their way to one of the resort’s restaurants, likely picking out a seat that overlooks the water. Zuzu is quite fond of ladob and she and father have taken a shine to the kari bonit.

“Roasted breadfruit?” Seicho offers.

Azula scrunches her brows at the fruit.

“I guess that it doesn’t look particularly appetizing, but it is tasty.” Seicho promises.

Reluctantly, Azula picks up a slice. Even more hesitantly Azula pops it into her mouth.

“Well?”

Azula hums. “It’s alright, I suppose.”

“It tastes better with coconut oil and other fruits.”

With nowhere left to take the conversation, Azula resumes looking out at the winking waves as a balmy breeze tosses her locks about. The world around smells fresh and salty. She finds herself slipping into a daydream of sorts; one wherein she and Seicho are walking across the sand while their families enjoy a beach picnic.

They are supposed to have a family picnic on day three of their vacation.

“Where did you get that necklace?” Azula tries to resume the conversation.

“It was my great, great, great, great, grandmother’s. It has been passed down for generations. My mom lets me wear it sometimes.” She pauses. “So what brings you to Seychelles?”

“Family vacation.” Azula finds herself staring off again. “It’s the first one that we’ve taken since my cousin Lu-Ten died.”

“What happened to him?”

“He and my grandfather were part of a search and rescue team. No one was there to rescue them.” She will leave it to Seicho to piece the details together. The wound is still rather raw in spite of the years gone by.

“I’m sorry to hear it.” Seicho frowns.

Azula shrugs. “I’m glad to be going on vacations again.” It is a simple, lighter way of saying that she is glad that her family is finally on the mend after tragedy and tension had put such a rift in the unity of it.

As embarrassing as it is to have mother lurking about, she is quite relived that the woman cares enough to hover and supervise. To have the woman’s encouragement. “The hike was nice, mother rather enjoyed it.” And they had rather enjoyed each other’s company for a change.”

Seicho grins. “Thanks! It was my first time giving a tour! I’ll let my dad know that you think I did a good job.”

Azula nods. She casts a glance at the hand that is still resting atop her own.

“Oh! I’m sorry, I can move it if you’d like.”

Azula shakes her head. “You can leave it there.” She doesn’t think anyone, family aside, has ever held her hand before. She has never had someone hold her hand the way that Mai holds Zuko’s. This isn’t exactly hand holding but it is close enough to make her stomach fluttery.

She catches Seicho’s eyes. They reflect the sun perfectly. So much so that Azula is inclined to say that they were made to do just that.

She doesn’t kiss Seicho that day, but she has all week to try.

Perhaps it will be a short thing.

A tiny little blip of a summer romance.

But it will be a memory to cherish and look back on when she sees the pictures in mother’s scrapbook.

#avatar the last airbender #azula #ursa #seicho #Azula/Seicho #Azula/Cupholder Girl #fanfiction

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lightup0nlight · 7 months

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As an imperfect human being, we will have days of low imaan. There will be times in our life when we feel laziness start to creep into our hearts; when we feel that our daily salaah has started to become such a heavy thing to do.

Despite whatever it is that we’re going through right now, know that we should never abandon the fard (obligatory) ‘ibaadah even at our lowest point. This is our bare minimum as Muslims. The shayatin and our nafs will try to chain us down further, so do not use our bad days as an excuse to sin and disobey Allah.

🌿 Sheikh al-Uthaymin rahimahullah said: ❛If you see yourself deteriorate, pick yourself up by repenting and seeking Allah’s Forgiveness and by asking Him to keep you firm, and don’t become careless and neither say, ‘In shaa Allah, my imaan will become stronger’ [without doing anything about it], instead from right now — from the moment you feel that you are ill — you must implement the cure.❜ 【Tafseer Surah an-Nisa】

Our imaan increases when we do good deeds. So continue with the fard 'ibaadah despite the difficulty, and we will soon find that the path has been made easier for us. This is because Allah honours the people of taqwa. Let this hadith be our source of comfort to keep going.

🌸 Rasulullah ﷺ said that Allah says:

❛I am just as My servant thinks I am (i.e. I am able to do for him what he thinks I can do for him), and I am with him if He remembers Me. If he remembers Me in himself, I too, remember him in Myself; and if he remembers Me in a group of people, I remember him in a group that is better than them;

and if he comes one span nearer to Me, I go one cubit nearer to him;

and if he comes one cubit nearer to Me, I go a distance of two outstretched arms nearer to him;

and if he comes to Me walking, I go to him running.❜ 【Sahih al-Bukhari 7405】

Allah does not say: “If a servant comes to Me walking, I go to him walking,” Rather, He says: “I go to him running.” So take that step, get our fard ‘ibaadah covered despite the difficulty, and be certain that the Help from Allah will surely arrive. It is a promise from Allah, and our Rabb never breaks His promise.

Your sister in Deen, Aida Msr ©

#hadith reflections #salafiyyah #deen #islam #islamicreminders #taqwa

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fatelesschild · 2 years

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Gallifreyan Anatomy and Physiology 10: The Immune System

A worryingly comprehensive and extremely unofficial guide to Gallifreyan and Time Lord/Lady Anatomy and Physiology, constructed with love and sweat.

This is a project that attempts to draw together everything we know about gallifreyan anatomy from every source available to place it in a valid biological system, like some Grey’s Anatomy textbook you didn’t know you needed.

The author of this has no affiliation with the BBC, and owns nothing but this lovely chocolate bar and good intentions. Nothing in this guide should be taken as de facto and everything should be free to be challenged and changed. I welcome any comments, questions, points of interest, or corrections - just aim at my inbox.

Absolutely nothing in this guide constitutes professional medical advice. Always seek your human advice from a healthcare provider, and always seek your gallifreyan advice from a hospitaller on Gallifrey.

This is version 1.10.x See the main document or Tumblr masterpost for the latest version.

x Tumblr Masterpost

x Main document with sources (Google Docs, not optimised for mobiles)

x Tumblr tag page with Q+As etc.

x Glossary

The Immune System

AKA They say doctors make the worst patients. Luckily, this Doctor has quite a few tricks up his sleeve so when the Daleks arrive he’s not worried about his cold or his ‘hurty’ toe.

Contains:

Context & Anatomy

Structure

Defence & Response - Innate immune response, Adaptive immune response

Vulnerabilities - Illnesses, Immunodeficiencies and Autoimmune Disorders, Allergies

Healing - Normal healing, Healing coma, Other helpers

Sex, Age & Regeneration

Summary

Key: [External link] [Guide link] [Glossary link]

11.1 Context & Anatomy

The immune system is, unsurprisingly, very, very good and is far more streamlined than a human.

It comprises the lymphatic system (with lymph vessels and lymph nodes), the spleen, the thymus, and the kidney, with minor players the tonsils and adenoids.

It has the same goal as humans - don’t let the nasties kill you!

Please remember throughout as because Timegri have a far higher baseline of artron, their immune response and healing abilities are significantly better than normal gallifreyans.

11.2 Structure

The Immune System can be extremely complicated and needs some explaining, so this is a simplified version while still trying to be as detailed as possible. Grab a drink and get ready to concentrate!

It’s a little bit easier to imagine the immune system as an army. Picture the universe as a very hostile place, with the gallifreyan body as a lonely world under constant threat of invasion. The other countries represent different body systems and the army’s number one objective is to stop the planet being invaded.

The lymphatic system is the world map, because you need some roads (lymph vessels) to get around and some checkpoints (lymph nodes) to check people’s documentation as they pass through. Not only do you need these main roads, there’s also lots of bridges leading to other countries to cover the entire world.

The buildings

So there’s the terrain, so what about the buildings? First you need some key structures so you can store troops, ammunition, and maintain communication with each other and contact the brain HQ.

The spleen is the recruitment centre and barracks, because you need somewhere to recruit and train your troops. The gallifreyan spleen creates immune cells and trains them while they wait for the call to fight off an invader. While there, it’s ensured that they have all the latest equipment, training, and intelligence.

Every good army needs a load of nerds and maintenance services, so the gallifreyan thymus is the administrative and maintenance buildings. It manufactures lymph fluid (opici fluid) and makes sure all the lymph vessels are clean and free from obstructions and filled with defensive patrols (D-cells).

Not actually part of the human Immune System, the kidney is a kind of supply/weapon/provisions provider in gallifreyans. It’s the main producer of artron, which is the energy used by the immune system to manufacture immune cells. Artron is present in all systems (particularly cardiovascular), and provides multiple healing benefits we’ll be going through below.

Finally, there’s the transport, known as opici fluid. This is the equivalent of lymph fluid; it circulates through the lymphatic vessels carrying all the troops around the body. It’s also in the nervous system in the place of what we would call our cerebrospinal fluid. In a thicker form - mixed with collagen - it’s also present in the integumentary and skeletal systems as a form of protection.

The personnel

Next, you need some personnel to fight against the invaders, from high command, through specialists, tacticians, medics, sappers, and ground troops.

The brain, the top brass: The Field Marshall, the five-star General, the toppermost of the poppermost, whatever your preference, the brain is constantly receiving communication from the immune system. It's through this it considers the state of the world and issues orders to its troops.

D-cells, the patrol/sentries: Their mission is to locate any potential enemy. If they find something unusual, they’ll alert the rest of the system immediately. They’re similar to human lymphocyte and mast cells, and have two distinct types:

D1-cells are the patrol. They constantly circulate the lymphatic system looking for anything they don’t recognise.

D2-cells are the sentries. These stand guard against attack, stationed strategically throughout the body.

Z-cells, the front line soldiers: Their mission is to kill the pathogen at any cost. They’re a mix of human phagocytes (macrophages and neutrophils), white blood cells, B lymphocytes and effector cells, and natural killer cells.

Z1-cells are infantry soldiers and non-specialised. They patrol the body and are always the first on the scene when a D-cell calls out for help. Z1-cells eat up anything they find suspicious (including infected gallifreyan cells) and keep doing it over and over. They can be killed, however, whether through age or the strength of a pathogen, and their bloody remains are what pus is made from. So if your gallifreyan starts producing pus, then their immune system is having quite a fight.

Z2-cells are specialised soldiers. They’re trained to change their type of attack to deal with one particular type of enemy, making them extremely effective killers. They have the best weapons and best tactics, able to destroy pathogens on sight as they can be absolutely packed with specific antibodies they fire out like machine guns for days on end. What antibodies they use is dictated by the M1-cells.

ZX-cells are the berserkers. Only called upon in the direst of situations when Z1-and Z2-cells have failed their mission, they run in screaming and shouting and firing all their guns simultaneously hoping to try and kill the enemy as a Last Stand, but they’re liable to kill their own comrades in friendly fire.

M-cells, the tacticians: Their mission is to learn as much about the enemy as possible in order to use that intelligence against it in the future. They can be equated to memory cells in humans.

M1-cells are the intelligence officers. Every single one has access to the entire known database of pathogens (imagine it like a Wikipedia of the body’s known immunities). On arriving at the infection site, they can identify a certain type of pathogen by being able to recognise its unique antigens. Once they know what they’re looking at, they tell the Z2-cells to manufacture antibodies specific to that pathogen and attack.

M2-cells are the spies. Looking to collect as much information about the enemy as possible, they take it back to the spleen to improve training and expand the database.

Artron cells, the field medics and sappers: They’re a little harder to put into our army metaphor simply because they tend to do their own thing. They work around the main immune cells, helping where they can. They want to:

Stop the fires (by clotting the wound)

Clean up the bodies (by removing dead cells)

Rebuild the physical defences (by healing the wound)

Recruit for the army (by helping to replace dead immune cells)

11.3 Defence & Response

Any attempt of a pathogen to enter a gallifreyan will be met with the same immune response pathway, whether it's a virus, bacteria, fungi, parasite etc., and through this there are two lines of defence the pathogen will encounter - the innate response and the adaptive response.

11.3.1 Innate Immune Response

The innate immune response is the first line of defence. Pretty much anything that does some work to try and stop infection without actually knowing exactly what it’s looking at is part of the innate system, and most of it is present from birth. It can be broken down three ways: physical barriers, defence mechanisms, and general immune response.

The innate immune system is non-specific. Non-specific means defences that aren’t explicitly recognising pathogens for what they actually are; they’re just coming across cells that look a bit strange and are deciding to get rid of them.

1: Physical barriers

Skin, body hair, eyelashes etc. all help to defend against pathogens trying to enter the body, by being actual physical barriers. I know you absolutely read and memorised these systems of course, but here's a convenient reminder that gallifreyans have very tough skin and weather-resistant hair, for starters. These, and more, make it much more difficult for gallifreyans to become ill in the first place.

2: Defence mechanisms

Tears, mucus, sweat etc., this also includes special gallifreyan abilities like stomach filtration, blood filtration etc. and also sealing (see below), all of which are designed to sweep out pathogens ASAP.

Sealing

A special ability for gallifreyans is known as sealing. This defence mechanism involves the overproduction of mucus from every orifice (including nose, ears, and eyeballs) to oust pathogens and create a non-porous barrier, which prevents any intrusion on a molecular level. This is especially useful in hostile atmospheres, but also prevents essentials such as oxygen, so cannot be used for longer than the respiratory bypass system can stay activated.

The Rusty Nail (part 1)

So let’s say your gallifreyan is walking along minding their own business when they suddenly trip and impale their hand onto a dirty nail. What happens next?

3: General immune response

This is the initial immune system response, including inflammation and basic immune defences. D-cells alert the immune system to the intruder and release histamine, which causes inflammation in the area. Z1-cells and artron cells respond to the call for help.

The Rusty Nail (part 2+3)

11.3.2 Adaptive Immune Response

If the first line of defence above fails, the second line of defence is called on like a SWAT team. In humans it's usually split into two responses (humoral and cell-mediated) but in gallifreyans these responses are merged into one, and instead we are looking at two stages:

Stage 1: Initial Adaptive Response

This is the adaptive system’s targeted reaction to the pathogen.

The immune system receives the call for backup from the D-cells.

M1-cells, M2-cells, and Z2-cells flood the area with additional support from more artron.

M1-cells identify the enemy or its closest match and instruct Z2-cells what antibodies to use.

Z2-cells fire out antibodies as the remaining Z1-cells give support. M2-cells hang back and record what happens to improve the immune system’s knowledge on this pathogen.

Hopefully, that’s that!

The Rusty Nail (part 4)

Stage 2: Immunocataclysm

If that didn’t work, we’re now in dire straits. All the Z1-cells are dead and the rest of the Immune System can’t produce enough Z2-cells to fight the tide. The gallifreyan is incredibly ill. Here, the immune system decides that in order to survive, it’s willing to take a massive risk in the form of ZX-cells. ZX-cells are extremely effective but an incredible liability, as their weapons are so powerful they can accidentally kill friendly cells in the gallifreyan’s body. By the end of this stage, the gallifreyan will be dead or alive.

The Rusty Nail (part 5)

Immunity

The adaptive immune system is ‘specific’ in contrast to the innate system, meaning it knows what it’s looking for and it's very good at killing it, but does need to see a pathogen and recognise it as a threat before it can do this. Once it’s encountered the pathogen, it will remember it forever and know how to deal with it when it comes again. This is immunity.

Immunity can some from several sources - Gallifreyans can develop antibodies after being exposed to certain diseases, allowing them to resist these diseases in the future. These primarily come in the form of actually encountering the pathogen organically, by vaccine, or passively.

Passive immunity gained from others - for example, as mentioned in the cardiovascular system, a blood transfer from a gallifreyan can contain antibodies which the receiver can learn from and use to fight pathogens (just be careful who you give it to). Additionally, every new gallifreyan coming into the universe arrives with a pretty decent preloaded database of antibodies that the immune system already knows, which have been learnt through their mother (for womb-born) or put in their biodata (for loom-born). Many of these antibodies are retained until they reach First Maturation.

Their immune system doesn’t need much exposure to create the right antibodies, but it does take some time to make them.

11.4 Vulnerabilities

Okay, so despite all of the defences outlined above, your gallifreyan becomes ‘under the weather’, as my mum says. So what are they likely to catch? Well …

11.4.1 Illnesses

As outlined above and across this document, gallifreyans are pretty good with most known illnesses, however, they are able to catch some diseases particularly familiar to us, such as the common cold, pneumonia, and tonsillitis, however, they are quite rare and for the most part they’ll handle these a lot better than us, and heal faster.

However, there are far worse diseases out there for them. Here’s a few of the other diseases bouncing around the universe that could ravage your gallifreyan.

“The Ablative”

Abridgement syndrome

Biodata viruses

The Cheetah Virus

Chen-7 or One Day Plague

Dogma Virus

Light wave sickness

Mutagenic viruses

Radiation poisoning

Sentient viruses

Spectrox toxaemia

Temporal diseases

All of these are pretty nasty and I’d encourage further reading if you're so inclined. Some will be covered in more detail in the regenerative system section (link to be added).

11.4.2 Immunodeficiencies and Autoimmune Disorders

These are very dangerous as they cause the immune system to be suppressed or stop working completely and come in several forms:

Primary immune deficiency - conditions present from birth eg. severe combined immunodeficiency (SCID)

Acquired immune deficiency - conditions that weaken the immune system eg. chemotherapy

Overactive immune disorders - where the immune system over responds to usually harmless substances eg. asthma

Autoimmune disorders - where the immune system attacks healthy tissue eg. Type 1 diabetes

Gallifreyans have slightly different types of immune cells so they’re not going to be affected by these, at least, not in the form we know. For example, one of the most well known is the human immunodeficiency virus (HIV), a precursor to acquired immunodeficiency syndrome (AIDS). Gallifreyans can’t contract HIV as HIV attacks cells they don’t actually have, but there could easily be an equivalent especially for them which attacks the M1-cells, so the Z2-cells have no idea what antibodies to produce to attack the pathogen, but that’s all theoretical.

In summary, gallifreyans can have immunodeficiencies and autoimmune disorders, but they can never be quite what we understand them as and I look forward to seeing any creative interpretations!

11.4.3 Allergies

Despite the level of sophistication in the immune system, gallifreyans do have their particular weaknesses, with special shoutouts for both praxis chemicals and aspirin.

Praxis gas

Praxis gas is most commonly used in chemical warfare in Gallifrey’s universe, with uses including performance-enhancing drugs, weapons, and booby traps, among many more delights, I’m sure.

Gallifreyans are allergic to gases in the praxis range, triggering a reaction akin to acute hypersensitivity pneumonitis. Depending on their level of exposure and how long they go untreated, their symptoms can progress from mild sneezing and coughing, to coma, even resulting in death.

Treatment and Prognosis

Concerning drugs, it's a bit difficult to say what would be the best option as it's a bit hard to determine what kind of gas praxis is in its most dangerous form, however, it seems to match most up with a nerve agent when used as a weapon, in which case atropine would be the numero uno problem solver with a little help from our old friends corticosteroids for immediate treatment. Supplementary oxygen is always a good avenue to take, and even quercetin (found in most foods, like onions, apples, and yeah you guessed it - celery … and tea!) can help greatly, even in the moderate-severe stages.

Prognosis is pretty good even for the most severe form of this, so long as the gallifreyan gets treatment, a full recovery can be made in 1-3 days.

Aspirin

Far more of a problem than praxis gases, gallifreyans have a serious issue with this drug. Aspirin is an antiplatelet drug, which means it works to inhibit the clotting of blood by stopping platelets from gathering. In humans this is a great thing in the right place - people use antiplatelet drugs to reduce the risk of clots.

If a gallifreyan takes a standard dose of Aspirin (usual prescription 300–600mg for pain/pyrexia), it primarily causes an instant anaphylactic-like reaction. The gallifreyan's body perceives an immediate threat and floods itself with too many over-responsive chemicals. Put simply, the D-cells shout, ‘OH MY WORD WHAT IS THAT THING EVERYBODY HELP HELP HELP!’, which causes the entire immune system to panic. The gallifreyan can’t control this complete overreaction hormonally, setting off a chain reaction leading to multiple embolisms which reaches peak severity in 3-30 minutes:

Treatment and Prognosis

This can be treated with the usual epinephrine/adrenaline as soon as it can possibly be administered. High-flow oxygen may be required and intravenous fluids, with continued monitoring. They can also counter it with chocolate in the early stages, as chocolate is naturally medicinal for gallifreyans and is particularly effective for aspirin.

It is possible the reaction may be biphasic, meaning after treatment a second attack could occur from 1 hour to 72 hours. Even if not biphasic, full recovery can take up to a week. If the reaction is allowed to continue for too long, they may end up suffering from long-term brain damage through stroke, heart conditions, and ongoing respiratory issues.

If that wasn't enough for you

Due to the severity of this reaction it’s entirely reasonable to assume any haemostatic drugs (drugs affecting bleeding) will cause mild to severe reactions in gallifreyans. Some common drugs prescribed by well-meaning medics to reduce clotting might include clopidogrel, heparin, warfarin, and dalteparin (the latter here we commonly call it the trade name in UK hospitals - Fragmin). Some drugs used to increase clotting (ie. in the event of surgery/major trauma or haemophilia) include thrombin, tranexamic acid, desmopressin, etamsylate, and also vitamin K (AKA don’t eat your greens if you’re gallifreyan).

The gallifreyan would have to eat some aspirin unknowingly in order for all this to occur, but severe reactions can be caused by even touching the filthy stuff. Stay safe, kids.

11.5 Healing

Okay, so that was all very depressing (actually really enthralling for me because I love the immune system but y’know) so here’s the nice section, detailing all the lovely ways a gallifreyan can heal themselves against all these nasty things.

11.5.1 Normal healing

I’ve covered normal healing processes throughout this guide (refer to each section for specifics) so here’s just a quick overview of what happens.

As a basic rule of thumb, gallifreyans heal around 1.5x faster than a human without any intervention. If they start pulling out all their biological tricks, they can drastically improve this.

Medical treatment: 2x faster

Medical treatment + healing coma: 3.5x faster

Medical treatment + healing coma + Zero Room: 6x faster

This means if a gallifreyan were to severely fracture their leg (which could take a human months to heal) if they used treatment, a healing coma, and the Zero Room constantly, they would probably be partially mobile after 3 days, out of a cast after 7-9 days and be completely healed without a trace in 12 days.

11.5.2 The Healing Coma

Also known as a healing trance, the healing coma is yet another of those quirky gallifreyan tricks. If their illness of physical trauma is severe but non-fatal, there’s an excellent chance that using a healing coma is going to sort them out.

Your gallifreyan is sleeping and not dead

As discussed throughout this entire guide, gallifreyans have very high levels of control over their bodies through being able to manipulate everything from their heartsrate and blood pressure right down to hormones. This allows them to enter a voluntary state of accelerated healing by drastically reducing the demand of other systems to concentrate on powering the immune system through sheer heat. This massive heat boost means that Z2-cells and artron healing cells can be manufactured like absolute lighting.

This will dramatically reduce lifesigns:

Heartsrate will reduce to under 10 beats per minute

Blood pressure will reduce to under 10/5

Temperature will reduce to under 5°C / 41°F

Respiratory rate will be 0

Pupils will not dilate with light

In general, they will not react to verbal prompts, touch, or pain stimuli

Rather unfortunately, to the casual observer this state makes gallifreyans appear dead to the point their lifesigns may not even register on any human medical equipment. It is however extremely effective, increasing the healing rate by around 2.5 times depending on the severity of the injury. While in this state they can’t have any real thoughts, but they will be able to perceive any sensory inputs and can be woken up. However, ripping a gallifreyan out of a healing coma can cause significant injury due to the sudden need to reboot all systems, most notably a neuron implosion, where every single neuron in the brain bursts into extreme activity in a brainstorm, causing a severe headache, fainting, and potential brain damage.

Once awake, they will experience high levels of hunger and thirst as their body has spent the time in the healing coma using glucose and water to manufacture and circulate immune and artron cells.

11.5.3 Other helpers

There are a few substances which can help the immune system produce the cells needed for both combating pathogens and general healing. Already mentioned is chocolate, alongside quercetin in several consumables including celery and tea. The pollen of rosemary flowers is also a peculiar restorative. In addition, there is the lindos hormone. This is what allows a gallifreyan to regrow limbs shortly after regenerating and it's extremely powerful, however, it’ll be discussed more in the Regenerative System (link to be added).

11.6 Sex, Age & Regeneration

11.6.1 Sex

This is sex specific to the immune system. For wider explanations, see the basics main section.

Those with more feminine hormones will have a greater innate and adaptive immune response compared to masculine bodies, as they are able to produce antibodies far quicker in response to pathogens - masculine bodies are more likely to have problems fighting off infection than feminine bodies. However, this also gives feminine bodies predisposition to autoimmune diseases.

11.6.2 Age

This is age specific to the immune system. For wider explanations, see the basics main section.

Young gallifreyans are highly tenacious and resistant to immune attack through their innate and passive immune system. They’re extremely unlikely to become ill, and if they do, it’ll usually be a quick shrug of the shoulders. However, if their mother/biodata had any kind of fault or susceptibility, they will be directly affected by that problem, whether that be through an immunodeficiency condition or problems fighting off the related infection. This will usually correct itself by First Maturation.

Once again I’ll state how getting older is a right old strain on the systems, as I have throughout the guide. In humans, usually the thymus slowly shrinks and turns to fat after puberty, but in gallifreyans it remains active. However, as a gallifreyan gets beyond 900 in a single body:

Less immune cells are produced

Old chronic viral infections can be reactivated

Lower response to vaccines

Innate system is less adept

Repair mechanisms are impeded

Long term health conditions are increased

All of this means older gallifreyans are more susceptible to diseases and can actually suffer from viruses they already fought off in their youth.

11.6.3 Regeneration

This is regeneration specific to the immune system. For wider explanations, see the Regenerative System (link to be added) main section.

Regenerating causes the entire immune system to reset to factory settings, so they have a squeaky clean new combative system. However, it doesn’t get erased - antibodies developed in previous incarnations will persist in subsequent bodies, meaning once a disease has been contracted and fought off by the gallifreyan, they will keep those antibodies and that helpful immune Wikipedia until their final death.

Really important to note here is that immediately following regeneration their immune system will be extremely weak, which will build back up during the following moulding period (6-8 weeks). This window increases their susceptibility to illness, although keep in mind they’re not going to die of a cold.

Gallifreyans can regenerate with primary immune deficiencies, which are likely to persist throughout the rest of that body unless they can be cured. In addition, there are some seriously spicy and, frankly, extremely fun illnesses involved specifically with regeneration, but they’ll be covered in the regenerative system section (link to be added).

11.7 Summary

Their immune system is mostly identifiable to a human but carries plenty more bells and whistles and works far more efficiently.

The kidney’s production of artron is crucial to this system.

They have both innate and adaptive immune responses as the first and second lines of defence.

Alongside particular allergies that can be fatal, they also have their own set of illnesses and immune system disorders.

Healing is much faster than humans and can be accelerated by technology and the healing coma.

Antibodies created in previous incarnations will persist throughout their lifespan.

Rejected evidence:

Not so much rejected, more ‘pending’ ... because someone didn’t Google properly - trying to get a reasonable and believable embolism out of an antiplatelet drug was hard enough but this was just too much for me to compensate for:

‘Triglycerides in chocolate combat the antiplatelet effect of the aspirin’

Whoever wrote this needs to take a long hard look at themselves:

‘It was said to either fatally stop platelet aggregation …’

Fever’s not a virus on its own, it’s a symptom, and for the life of me I can’t find anything at all on the flu and I have a fear it’s probably a misreading of TV: The Caretaker, so I’m not including it until I can find something concrete.

‘They are vulnerable to some earth viruses, like influenza, fevers [...]

This is literally just putting words together, but this was covered in the cardiovascular blood transfusion section so I’m happy to leave it there.

‘Their antibodies are symbiotic so if a Gallifreyan is injected with a sample of genetically contaminated blood’ …etc.

Curious about something? Need some creative gallifreyan biology-related advice? Wanna say hi? Ask away!

#fcgallifreyana&p #doctor who #dw #gallifreyan biology #gallifreyan physiology #gallifreyan anatomy #gallifreyan #anatomy #time lords #dw meta #updating all the other sections over next few days #reproductive system next good luck me

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dscrvedbcttermovedbcfuckme · 2 months

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indie & private dash only mutuals only multi muse blog for ocs based on my own lore & other original content. nsfw / triggering. mun is 34+. written by skippy

no godmodding or drama please.

any hate or drama will result in being blocked.

please do not use me as a meme source.

do not steal any of my edits

i have adhd / anxiety & asthma which can make it hard to rp sometimes. i also work which takes it out of me, so please be patient with me.

disco is available upon request.

i am private & will lean towards rping with mutuals. please respect this.

if you don’t love my female muses, you don’t deserve my male muses. please give both attention as i work hard on all my bios & developing all my characters.

heavily affiliated with @miiseriia @unwaivering @dutyled @legeandary @waehles @alexahndar @faerytle

muses under the cut!

jackson fuller || hc based portrayal from showitme's fellow travelers

scott thatcher || 45 || bisexual || the artist || for as long as he could remember, scott had a great interest in art of all kinds. from drawing to painting. he loved it all and spent a great deal of his free time just trying to perfect his hobby until it became his career that resulted in him being known around the city of la for his work that has been featured in galleries and art shows. even with people knowing who he is and praising his work, he lives a quiet life that's spent just doing what he loves and making friends / finding love along the way. || fc: matt bomer

emanuel 'manny' kingsley || 33 - 60 || homosexual || the political assistant || coming from a humble childhood with his adopted parents who gave manny a family when his parents died before he had a chance to fully remember them, the young boy learned life lessons that made him the perfect candidate for the assistant of senator antown thompson. someone whom the closeted manny fell for without being able to admit such a thing until the two began a secretive affair that began a life of complicated love, breakups, reunions and heartaches.

it was as he started working for antown that he grew curious about the world of politics which only made him want to pursue something greater. this only led to him being involved in a scandal that ended up tarnishing his reputation and he had no choice but to leave something he knew so well, thus living a quieter life that took him from washington to london. somewhere he felt more at peace while finding a new path for himself.

something that only worked for so long before he was diagnosed with stage three leukemia. taking away any dreams he had for the future, manny put his life on hold while focusing on his treatments that eventually led to him being cancer free. though even with his time spent going back to life again, he was once again sick years later and it was this new illness that told him he couldn't just put life on hold since there was no guarantee that he'd get better or have another chance to beat something that was only slowly killing him a little each day. || fc: jonathan bailey ( verses: x )

collin barlowe || 46 || homosexual || the deceiving professor || collin is a charming, if no mysterious professor working at oxford where he's quickly become a favorite among his students for his easygoing ways and how personable he is with them. what no one knows is how the seemingly innocent man has done some bad things in his life to get to where he is now, some of them involving murder and other crimes that he's managed to keep under wraps from those who could take him down for his years of wrongdoing that he's not done committing to always stay on top. || matt bomer

elias witlock || 23 || bisexual || the president's son || elias was born into a life of wealth and corruption that controlled the way a colony on the outskirts of the capitol should live. while they had to work to make it through life while being subjected to hybrid creatures known as nomads and guards who control every step they make, elias had a much easier lifestyle that the colonists resented people like him for. being the son of the president meant elias had little freedom to do as he pleased and he often would fight with his father about the state of the colony in which he'd reside just to escape the isolation of the capitol. hoping that by doing so, he might be able to show that he's not as terrible as his father and just wants to help those who are suffering. || fc: tom blyth

wyclef || 1000 + / physically 35 || homosexual ( closeted ) || the traveling elder || being among the top ranked elders in the fae realm due to his knowledge of more magic than others have been able to master, wyclef found himself tasked with great responsibilities shortly after finishing his training. starting as a mentor until he was twenty, he soon aspired to be an elder who'd put his ability to travel through time to good use which eventually would lead him to go from the realm he calls home to other realms & time periods to right what has been wronged & help any fae he may come across along the way. || fc: jonathan bailey

ethan davis || 22 || bisexual || the broken killer || coming from an abusive family that he escaped at the age of thirteen after murdering his parents, ethan left his home & went on the run to keep from being caught. finding a new life in london where he lived on the streets. keeping to himself with a newfound blood lust, he is usually ignored by those he comes across while those he does interact with find his monotone voice & emotionless demeanor to be unsettling, leading to him being mostly on his own while not being aware of just how dangerous he can actually be. || fc: barry keoghan

anwir || 35 || bisexual || the wayward fae || born with the promise of being among the best fae who could excel to be a mentor or part of the elders, anwir did well in his training as he wanted to do the best he could in life. that is until he began to crave more power than he was capable of & began seeking out what no fae ever should. it was as he fell in love with a mortal named charlie that he began to get involved in dark magic which soon got out of control before he could properly handle it. it was as he tried to hide his new magic from charlie that the man died & anwir only got deeper into dark magic where it fully consumed him, making it hard to recognize the man anwir used to be before he spiraled into darkness. || hale appleman

aslan, prince of the fae || age unknown, physically 25 || pansexual || the runaway fae || born the eldest son to the royal family of the fae world that he knows to be home, aslan was given responsibilities at a young age when all he wanted to do was explore the other realms & put his powers to good use. all of which contain the use of magic to manipulative the world around him in different ways, he found himself tempted to experience all that he could of his abilities by leaving the world that he knew so well. finding himself in the unfamiliar world of mortals where it soon became clear that aslan was not like those around him. hiding the fact that he is immortal & possesses more powers than he can easily control on his own, he makes sure to make the most of the freedom he always craved so much. || fc: toby regbo

harry parker || 35 || bisexual || the lost fae || despite thinking he was nothing more than a young man living in the city of new york who happened to be a college professor, harry was in fact a successful fae who was once a part of a completely different realm where he lived until he was sent to live among the mortals where his memories of his past were wiped over time. with his interest in magic & fantasy that he recalled having fading away, he allowed himself to believe that such things were not real & would remain in his solitude where he felt most comfortable until discovering the truth about his existence. || fc: jason ralph

micah langston || 40 || bisexual || the colony bartender || micah is among the others who live a dystopian colony that is filled with corruption & danger at every turn. while most would just go about their duties & keep their heads down in fear of alerting the guards, micah takes on a different approach & tries to keep as optimistic as possible. some people find his outgoing personality weird in such a negative place, but for someone who's been through his own hardships, micah chooses just to focus on the few good things he has left than the bad that could send him spiraling into a bad place.

among the good things is a tavern he owns within the colony that is perhaps the only real uplifting thing about such a gloomy place. located where the guards don't usually frequent, he's able to put aside his worries while he works & make friends with those who find his charm to be endearing. what no one knows about the man is his dark past that included the supposed demise of his girlfriend & their son which left him on his own.

while he'd only disclose such information to those he trusts, he bears both mental & physical scars of the darker parts of his life. regardless of what might have happened to him, micah helps out where he's needed & does his best to keep those around him from getting into trouble that he knows all too well is not something he'd wish on anyone given the scar on his neck that came from an attack from the guards whom he found out the hard way are not there to protect the colonists as many would claim. || fc: sacha baron cohen

nicolas shaffrer || 25 || bisexual || the politic's son || being the adopted son of olivia shaffer whose leak of the thompsons' personal information, nicolas found himself in the mess of a scandal that he had no part in. always preferring to avoid the world of politics that he was brought into when adopted as a child, he preferred just to live his own life while going to school & finding ways to pretend he's not someone that seems to always be watched because of his mother being so well known. his outgoing nature becoming more introverted over time as he wanted to keep his own scandal from occurring, a feeling that only intensified during the events of the scandal that made him distance himself from his mother even more as he resented her decision to do what she did to people whom nicolas had long since started to respect. || fc: taylor zakhar perez

draco || age unknown / turned at 35 || pansexual || the vampire with a heart || having always been one to charm those he felt an attraction to before being turned when on the brink of death, draco would become notorious with other vampires he'd meet for believing that a vampire could ever love when they are are meant to be bloodthirsty killers. it was something he soon learned to use as a way to lure unsuspecting men & women to use them as a way to feed or turn into vampires when the urges grew too strong to ignore. with half of his memory gone from the early years of his life as a vampire, he's been unable to recall times spent with others he met after being turned. one of whom being another vampire named tobias whom he'd reunite with to learn about his broken past & relearn the bond they once had. || fc: jonathan bailey

#& pinned #& ooc

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the-s1lly-corner · 5 months

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Iii... forgot to answer you,,,, sorry it was 3 am back then so i fell aspeep. Anyway

I write like that so it's easier to read and switch between topics, i can go on long rambles too but it's just easier to talk about different things like that:]]]<-<-smug face of someone who is so so mentally ill and definitely not neurotypical

Second

*applauds* You Go Boy!!!!

Unfortunately i am also a pleople pleaser buuut i am completely spineless in that regard:(

About the forth...

Don't you hate when you try to respond to something and then realize a bunch of things involving your trauma? Yeah.

Literally my reaction. I dunno, in sum i just throught i have been showed aside and told am annoing a lot and realizing that much more damage was done to me while writing a reply to a neat tumblr fella is, um. Definitely a new experience that stunted me for an hour.

Thank you for the compliment, i think you're also а very nice and, obviously, a silly guy:]

Fifth..

Welp i should probably improve on my writing, but all the Issues SUCK and generally i cant right now, i have too much on my plate despite being sick at home- i have to go to work out tomorrow and then on monday i probably will be forced to go to class, regardless of how i am feeling

Rude people need to shut it, you're putting out vontent for free and they should skip looking at it or be grateful.

You shouldn't give in, tho:(. Ppl will just get used to be entitled all the time and demand more

!!! Couple things!!

1. Dont ever apologize for falling asleep! it happens to the best of us and it wasnt like a heavy or serious conversation was going on!! You get that rest, especially since you're a lil sick!!

2. I get what you're saying 😭😭 I got a nasty habit of getting off topic and derailed a lot so being able to separate my stuff into segments help a lot (even if sometimes I leave a topic half touched SOBS)

3. (Points) one day things will get better and you'll be able to stand up for yourself and put your comfort first!! It's hard at times, hell its still hard for me, but it takes time.. and sometimes you will falter and (for lack of a better word) regress.. but I believe in you! A set back will not condemn you!!

4. I understand that too :( did something happen, or did someone do something :(? I'm so so sorry you were exposed to something that had set off some discomfort.. remember that if something triggers your trauma or even just makes you uncomfortable, you have all the right to disengage !! Take care of yourself and your mental health!!

5. You're not annoying, and as I've already said you seem really nice n silly!!!!!

6. Take your time improving your skills, this goes for anything and everything not just writing! Pushing too hard can lead to a burnout and a loss of passion. and that truly sucks, and it can be hard to reignite that love again (source, its happened to me a handful of times)

6. Yeah people can be entitled with fandom creators; both in art and in writing, I think. A lot of people really need to learn to hush up, and if something isnt to their standards or matches their hc then they should just make their own stuff instead of being rude... alas entitlement exists

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samwisethewitch · 4 years

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Cults? In my life? It’s more likely than you think.

In my last post, I talked about how the Law of Attraction and Christian prosperity gospel both use the same thought control techniques as cults. I’ve received several public and private replies to that post: some expressing contempt for “sheeple” who can be lead astray by cults, and others who say my post made them scared that they might be part of a cult without knowing it.

I want to address both of those types of replies in this post. I want to talk about what a cult really looks like, and how you can know if you’re dealing with one.

If you type the word “cult” into Google Images, it will bring up lots of photos of people with long hair, wearing all white, with their hands raised in an expression of ecstasy.

Most modern cults do not look anything like this.

Modern cultists look a lot like everyone else. One of the primary goals of most cults is recruitment, and it’s hard to get people to join your cause if they think you and your group are all Kool-Aid-drinking weirdos. The cults that last are the ones that manage to convince people that they’re just like everyone else — a little weird maybe, but certainly not dangerous.

In the book The Road to Jonestown: Jim Jones and Peoples Temple, author Jeff Guinn says, “In years to come, Jim Jones would frequently be compared to murderous demagogues such as Adolf Hitler and Charles Manson. These comparisons completely misinterpret, and historically misrepresent, the initial appeal of Jim Jones to members of Peoples Temple. Jones attracted followers by appealing to their better instincts.”

You might not know Jim Jones and the Peoples Temple by name, but you’ve probably heard their story. They’re the Kool-Aid drinkers I mentioned earlier. Jones and over 900 of his followers, including children, committed mass suicide by drinking Flavor Aid mixed with cyanide.

In a way, the cartoonish image of cults in popular media has helped real-life cults to stay under the radar and slip through people’s defenses.

In her book Recovering Agency: Lifting the Veil of Mormon Mind Control, Luna Lindsey says: “These groups use a legion of persuasive techniques in unison, techniques that strip away the personality to build up a new group pseudopersonality. New members know very little about the group’s purpose, and most expectations remain unrevealed. People become deeply involved, sacrificing vast amounts of time and money, and investing emotionally, spiritually, psychologically, and socially.”

Let’s address some more common myths about cults:

Myth #1: All cults are Satanic or occult in nature. This mostly comes from conservative Christians, who may believe that all non-Christian religions are inherently cultish in nature and are in league with the Devil. This is not the case — most non-Christians don’t even believe in the Devil, much less want to sign away their souls to him. Many cults use Christian theology to recruit members, and some of these groups (Mormons, Jehovah’s Witnesses, etc.) have become popular enough to be recognized as legitimate religions. Most cults have nothing to do with magic or the occult.

Myth #2: All cults are religious. This is also false. While some cults do use religion to recruit members or push an agenda, many cults have no religious or spiritual element. Political cults are those founded around a specific political ideology. Author and cult researcher Janja Lalich is a former member of an American political cult founded on the principles of Marxism. There are also “cults of personality” built around political figures and celebrities, such as Adolf Hitler, Chairman Mao, and Donald Trump. In these cases, the cult is built around hero worship of the leader — it doesn’t really matter what the leader believes or does.

Myth #3: All cults are small fringe groups. Cults can be any size. Some cults have only a handful of members — it’s even possible for parents to use thought control techniques on their children, essentially creating a cult that consists of a single family. There are some cults that have millions of members (see previous note about Mormons and Jehovah’s Witnesses).

Myth #4: All cults live on isolated compounds away from mainstream society. While it is true that all cults isolate their members from the outside world, very few modern cults use physical isolation. Many cults employ social isolation, which makes members feel separate from mainstream society. Some cults do this by encouraging their followers to be “In the world but not of the world,” or encouraging them to keep themselves “pure.”

Myth #5: Only stupid, gullible, and/or mentally ill people join cults. Actually, according to Luna Lindsey, the average cult member is of above-average intelligence. As cult expert Steven Hassan points out, “Cults intentionally recruit ‘valuable’ people—they go after those who are intelligent, caring, and motivated. Most cults do not want to be burdened by unintelligent people with serious emotional or physical problems.” The idea that only stupid or gullible people fall for thought control is very dangerous, because it reinforces the idea that “it could never happen to me.” This actually prevents intelligent people from thinking critically about the information they’re consuming and the groups they’re associating with, which makes them easier targets for cult recruitment.

So, now that we have a better idea of what a cult actually looks like, how do you know if you or someone you know is in one?

A good rule of thumb is to compare the group’s actions and teachings to Steven Hassan’s BITE Model. Steven Hassan is an expert on cult psychology, and most cult researchers stand by this model. From Hassan’s website, freedomofmind.com: “Based on research and theory by Robert Jay Lifton, Margaret Singer, Edgar Schein, Louis Jolyon West, and others who studied brainwashing in Maoist China as well as cognitive dissonance theory by Leon Festinger, Steven Hassan developed the BITE Model to describe the specific methods that cults use to recruit and maintain control over people. ‘BITE’ stands for Behavior, Information, Thought, and Emotional control.”

Behavior Control may include…

Telling you how to behave, and enforcing behavior with rewards and punishments. (Rewards may be nonphysical concepts like “salvation” or “enlightenment,” or social rewards like group acceptance or an elevated status within the group. Punishments may also be nonphysical, like “damnation,” or may be social punishments like judgement from peers or removal from the group.)

Dictating where and with whom you live. (This includes pressure to move closer to other group members, even if you will be living separately.)

Controlling or restricting your sexuality. (Includes enforcing chastity or abstinence and/or coercion into non-consensual sex acts.)

Controlling your clothing or hairstyle. (Even if no one explicitly tells you, you may feel subtle pressure to look like the rest of the group.)

Restricting leisure time and activities. (This includes both demanding participation in frequent group activities and telling you how you should spend your free time.)

Requiring you to seek permission for major decisions. (Again, even if you don’t “need” permission, you may feel pressure to make decisions that will be accepted by the group.)

And more.

Information Control may include…

Withholding or distorting information. (This may manifest as levels of initiation, with only the “inner circle” or upper initiates being taught certain information.)

Forbidding members from speaking with ex-members or other critics.

Discouraging members from trusting any source of information that isn’t approved by the group’s leadership.

Forbidding members from sharing certain details of the group’s beliefs or practice with outsiders.

Using propaganda. (This includes “feel good” media that exists only to enforce the group’s message.)

Using information gained in confession or private conversation against you.

Gaslighting to make members doubt their own memory. (“I never said that,” “You’re remembering that wrong,” “You’re confused,” etc.)

Requiring you to report your thoughts, feelings, and activities to group leaders or superiors.

Encouraging you to spy on other group members and report their “misconduct.”

And more.

Thought Control may include…

Black and White, Us vs. Them, or Good vs. Evil thinking.

Requiring you to change part of your identity or take on a new name. (This includes only using last names, as well as titles like “Brother,” “Sister,” and “Elder.”)

Using loaded languages and cliches to stop complex thought. (This is the difference between calling someone a “former member” and calling the same person an “apostate” or “covenant breaker.”)

Inducing hypnotic or trance states including prayer, meditation, singing hymns, etc.

Using thought-stopping techniques to prevent critical thinking. (“If you ever find yourself doubting, say a prayer to distract yourself!”)

Allowing only positive thoughts or speech.

Rejecting rational analysis and criticism both from members and from those outside the group.

And more.

Emotional Control may include…

Inducing irrational fears and phobias, especially in connection with leaving the group. (This includes fear of damnation, fear of losing personal value, fear of persecution, etc.)

Labeling some emotions as evil, worldly, sinful, low-vibrational, or wrong.

Teaching techniques to keep yourself from feeling certain emotions like anger or sadness.

Promoting feelings of guilt, shame, and unworthiness. (This is often done by holding group members to impossible standards, such as being spiritually “pure” or being 100% happy all the time.)

Showering members and new recruits with positive attention — this is called “love bombing.” (This can be anything from expensive gifts to sexual favors to simply being really nice to newcomers.)

Shunning members who disobey orders or disbelieve the group’s teachings.

Teaching members that there is no happiness, peace, comfort, etc. outside of the group.

And more.

If a group ticks most or all of the boxes in any one of these categories, you need to do some serious thinking about whether or not that group is good for your mental health. If a group is doing all four of these, you’re definitely dealing with a cult and need to get out as soon as possible.

These techniques can also be used by individual people in one-on-one relationships. A relationship or friendship where someone tries to control your behavior, thoughts, or emotions is not healthy and, again, you need to get out as soon as possible.

Obviously, not all of these things are inherently bad. Meditation and prayer can be helpful on their own, and being nice to new people is common courtesy. The problem is when these acts become part of a bigger pattern, which enforces someone else’s control over your life.

A group that tries to tell you how to think or who to be is bad for your mental health, your personal relationships, and your sense of self. When in doubt, do what you think is best for you — and always be suspicious of people or groups who refuse to be criticized.

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smolcobie · 3 years

Text

Hyunjae | Butterfly Effect

↪ Summary: After a dangerous fire, Hyunjae is unable to hide his feelings for you.

Word Count: 3,5k

Warnings: Suggestive | Fire | Friends To Lovers | Heavy Making Out

Genre: Hyunjae x Reader | HYUNJAE FIREFIGHTER AU | Female Reader

Dedicated to my fav deobi friend @santacruz-sand <3

Human beings are known for their daily mistakes. We used to say that every day we make a mistake, some don't make that much difference, others can change the course of your life, better known as the butterfly effect. Each action has its reaction, gradually shaping the path you will take in life.

Some say that this is fate, that no matter how much you try to escape, it will happen. Others prefer to believe that you create your own destiny. I didn't believe in any of these theories, in fact, I always preferred to think that it is easier to do your best every day than to be disappointed by the path you took because you thought that this was your destiny after all.

The greatest example that my theory was real, was seeing how my best friend lived. Every single day he left early, before the sun came up, and came back when it was night. Being a firefighter required perfection in his form, discipline, punctuality, courage to face his fears, and a lot of willingness to risk his own life for the benefit of society.

I watched him cautiously, analyzing his ways and manners. The way he slammed the gate hard to make sure it was locked, or how he sighed and gave a silly smile when he managed to do something he liked, but what I liked most was the way he struggled every day to cheer people's lives.

- ▪︎ -

"[NAME], do your best every day and no one will have the courage to speak ill of the way you live." He said with his red cheeks and heavy eyes from the soju he drank.

"What are you talking about? I live very well, you're the one who lives next to my house and keeps risking your life." I laughed, fixing up his fringe that was messy "You're already starting to get drunk, let's go home." I got up pulling on his shirt and he made a weeping face.

"[NAME], why are you so mean to me?" He said slyly and I lifted him up with all my strength hugging him around the waist "Hyunjae, come on, you need to rest." He sighed and started walking making a pout on his lips.

"Stop pouting, you know you need to rest. You work a lot and when you take a break you want to drink soju and philosophize about life with me." I commented while walking down the dark street.

"But you are my best friend, you have to listen to me." I laughed at his comment "If you paid me I could even quit my job, after all, listening to you is all I do." "That's why I love you." He chuckled and put his head on my shoulder as I opened the door to his house, after entering the password.

"I love you too, so go to sleep." I tossed him on the bed and he smiled happily hugging his soft pillow.

- ▪︎ -

It was almost always like this. Hyunjae coming to my house to vent about life, I laugh while making some cards to post on my Instagram and the company. Being a calligraphy artist was a happy part of my life, being able to decorate bookstores, houses, gifts was something that gave me the strength to live.

Hyunjae was such an essential part of my life, that I only realized when our mutual friend asked why we lived so close to each other. My first thought was to think that it would be easier to go out, have fun and talk. My second thought was that I was completely in love with him, and I didn't want to admit it.

It was complicated, an old love that I knew had no way out, but nothing was going to change because I couldn't find any nice guys. I lived with Hyunjae and I had already accepted my condition. Romance went from something I dreamed of as a teenager, to something I value as an adult, but not as much as my sanity.

It was easier to live with Hyunjae than having to go on blind dates with bizarre guys that our friend Sunwoo arranged (probably from the deep web). And I keep ignoring my feelings, being inspired by its way of life.

That day was more beautiful than usual. The sun was shining brightly, the sky was clear and blue, the traffic seemed calm and the weather was perfect for an outdoor meeting, perhaps a date in the park. The subway was surprisingly empty, although it was very early, and I was completely rested.

It seemed like the perfect working day. I had made many cards at the company, sent some orders by mail, and placed new orders for a major literature event that would take place at the company. Lunch was great and our boss was in a good mood telling stories from when she was in college.

The day had gone well, my colleagues finished their jobs earlier than expected so we were able to go out early and eat fried chicken in a new restaurant near the company. I returned home happy and completely shocked at how perfect my day had been.

I got home and changed my shoes. I took a relaxing bath while listening to the news of the day through my radio hanging from the bathroom sink.

"URGENT NEWS! THERE IS A FIRE IN A BUSINESS BUILDING LOCATED IN THE GANGNAM REGION, MANY ARE THREATENING TO JUMP THROUGH THE WINDOWS. SOURCES CONFIRM THAT THE FIRE STARTED BY THE BAD WIRING THAT HAS NOT BEEN CORRECTLY REPLACED. THE FIREFIGHTERS HAVE JUST ARRIVED AND ARE PREPARING TO RELEASE THE PLACE AND REMOVE SURVIVORS. ”

I immediately turned off the shower, drying myself quickly, putting on any clothes, and going to the living room to turn on the TV and see the news.

All the channels were talking about the fire. It even seemed ironic, as I had a great day, and now a building near my company was on fire, and I had to see desperate people on the TV screen.

My heart stopped and my eyes lit up when I recognized Hyunjae running away with a long sheet and other men helping him from afar. This was apparently what he was supposed to do, try to stay calm and help people in a tragedy that could cost their lives.

“FIREFIGHTERS MOBILIZED QUICKLY AND SURVIVORS ARE GETTING TO THE GROUND SAFELY. THE FIRE HAS BEEN CONTROLLED AND WE HAVE NO NEWS FROM ANY VICTIMS IN SERIOUS STATE UNTIL THE MOMENT-” The woman turned and the cameraman filmed Hyunjae leaving the scene with a woman unconscious in his arms “THIS YOUNG BRAVE MAN REMOVED THE LAST VICTIM FROM THE LOCATION. AMBULANCE HAS ARRIVED AND WILL TREAT EVERYONE IMMEDIATELY. ”

I closed my fists tightly, my mouth dried and my heart sped up. Hyunjae had entered that burning building, risking his life, to save another one.

The fire subsided until it was extinguished. Reporters were still talking about how the police were already investigating everything and how fortunately no lives were lost and the victims had only minor injuries. I sighed with relief and sent a message to Hyunjae, congratulating him, but mostly asking how he was doing.

Me:

[Are you okay? I just saw it all on TV, I'm so worried!]

[I am proud of you, you were amazing.]

[I hope you're all right, send a message when you see this.]

Received.

I sighed and laid down on my bed covering my eyes trying to remember that he was fine.

"Nothing happened."

"Hyunjae is fine. No need to worry."

I was trying to convince myself that he was fine, alive, and doing his job, but my heart couldn't calm down. I decided to take a light tranquilizer and lie down again.

Maybe he would answer me in the morning, I would wait patiently and everything would be fine.

I turned on some drama on TV while I was busy watching cute animals on Youtube to pass the time. After a few hours and having a quick nap, I was surprised by the ringing of my cell phone and saw that it was Hyunjae.

I got up and answered quickly.

“Hyunjae ?! Are you okay? Where are you?" I hurried over and felt him give a tired laugh on the other end of the phone.

“I'm outside your house, please open it for me. It's a little cold here. ” He made a little joke like he always does, maybe, trying to calm my worried mood.

"Okay, I'll be right back." I hung up the phone and ran out to the door.

I opened the door feeling my heart racing, my joints tingling from suddenly getting up and automatically everything calmed down when I saw his face.

He had his bangs glued to his forehead, his face was dirty with some ash. He still had his work uniform on and was holding some bandages probably bought from the pharmacy near our homes.

"I came for you to heal me." He gave a sarcastic smile as I felt relief wash over my entire body.

"Come on, staying in this serene is bad." I pulled him inside, locking the door and putting his usual shoe in the doorway.

"Unfortunately I bought anything I saw at the pharmacy, so I hope you help me, I'm deadly tired." He started talking quietly trying to hide how he was shaken by that night.

"Hyunjae... are you okay?" I asked seeing him sitting on a chair in the kitchen taking off his uniform, leaving only the standard white blouse and pants.

"Yeah." He said dryly biting his lip and looking away. The habit he made when he lied.

"Stop lying to me." I walked towards him crossing my arms “If you were really well, you would have gone home, answered on your cell phone, and slept in peace."

He sighed and looked at me with a look that made my whole body tremble. He looked scared, anxious, but mostly nervous about something.

"What is it?" I touched his cheek and he sighed, closing his eyes and leaning into my hand.

"I almost lost my mind today." He stood up scratching the back of his neck with a choked voice as if he were about to cry.

"What do you mean?" He looked at me so sincerely that I felt my heart soften.

"We were on the traffic patrol when we heard the call." He laughed, but it was sad. "When they said the address, and I realized it was on the same street as your job, I despaired."

My eyes flew open and he sat on the edge of the couch burying his fingers in his dirty, messy hair.

“I thought you could be there and I lost it. When I got there, all I could think about was you.” I approached and realized that in fact, his eyes were watery "I know I should be concerned with other people, but I could only think ‘What if it is her building? What if she is there? What if she is in danger? What if I can't save her?’ And I went into eternal despair.”

I felt my heart racing so fast it could come out of my mouth.

"I-I didn't care if other people were hurt, as long as you were fine..." He looked at me and I felt a huge urge to hold his face "And it scares me. The way I was afraid of losing you and I couldn't think rationally, on the professional side.”

I sat next to him listening to everything he had to say.

"Hyunjae, anyone would feel the same way, you don't have to feel guilty about it." I wiped away his tears and held his cheeks in the palm of my hands "I would have done the same, thinking about you all the time."

He gave a smile sniffing before holding my hands.

"But it's different this time." He said before looking into my eyes with an invisible force that made me nervous "I thought nothing would make sense if I didn't have you by my side."

I took a deep breath trying to follow his argument.

"I don't want to lose you." He whispered as if it were a forbidden confession "You are the most important person in the whole world to me." He touched my cheek with the palm of his hand "You know that, don't you?" He swallowed hard, leaning his forehead against mine.

I took a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair.

"I know Hyunjae, you are also the most special person for me." I said seeing how he had relaxed a little more "Now get up, you need to take a shower and put bandages on these cuts."

I stood up first, but I felt his hand close to my fist. He was taller than me, not so much, but his body was so strong that it made me feel small around him.

"What? Come on, you're very tired. ” I took the lead before I felt him pulling me again.

"[NAME]." He said hoarsely as I studied his face curiously.

Hyunjae was too different that night.

“What is it Hyunjae? Your face is dirty, you need to take a shower. ” I touched my hips trying to understand what he wanted.

Hyunjae approached pulling my wrist towards him before giving a kiss there.

"Come with me." He said making me petrified on the spot.

"W-WHAT?!" I asked nervously as I felt my heart pound so loudly that I was afraid he might hear "I-That's not funny, Hyunjae."

He released my fist and pulled me by the hip, staring deep into my eyes.

"I'm not kidding." I felt a shiver down my back when he admitted it wasn't a joke or a friend flirt "I got tired of pretending I don't feel anything for you."

I couldn't say anything, I was too shocked to reply.

“[NAME], you are the most important person to me and I don't want to live any longer having to treat you just like a best friend.” He touched my chin and raised my gaze to his “Please, be honest with me. Am I just a best friend to you? ”

I felt his gaze enter my soul and I knew I had no way to lie anymore, this was the only chance I would have to admit what I feel.

"No." I swallowed and stared at his mouth, which formed a small smile of satisfaction.

It was amazing the effect that Hyunjae had on me. Even if I wanted to run away, I wouldn't be able to lie because it was already obvious from the way I act.

"Great." I felt my stomach churn when I felt his left hand hold me tighter as his right landed on my cheek, making his thumb touch my chin, caressing it. "I hope you don't mind this."

"Mind wha—" I could barely finish the question and I felt his lips on mine.

I pulled away unintentionally from the shock and looked into his eyes that seemed to be staring at me with an indescribable fire. I swallowed and felt my heart racing as he just smirked sideways, as if he knew what I was thinking.

He approached me slowly, touching our noses and I closed my eyes feeling his breath warm my face. I felt my face heat up and my palms sweat when his lips brushed against mine again. I held on to his white blouse with the rest of my strength and waited for Hyunjae to close the distance that bothered me so much.

I felt his hand move and his fingers pulled my chin down, opening my mouth that was closed by shock. I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding and felt him laugh through his nose before wetting my bottom lip with his tongue lightly, kissing me gently.

I lifted my hands to his hair where I pulled slightly, feeling my back against the bathroom door. Hyunjae took a quick breath, trying desperately to open the bathroom door, trying not to break the kiss.

I opened my eyes after Hyunjae got rid of me, feeling my heart stop at the sight of him focused on trying to open the bathroom door. His face was flushed, but his ears seemed to burn at how red they were. His dark eyebrows were furrowed and his mouth was pink and inviting.

"Aish." Hyunjae said finally opening the bathroom making me smile slightly.

I held on to his blouse when I almost tripped over my own rug and Hyunjae grabbed my waist with his arm. He gave me a shy smile before leaning his body against mine, making me even more nervous.

His fingers played with the old buttons on my wool blouse. I held his neck intoxicating myself by his smell invading my senses. I felt a shiver down my spine when his fingers touched my skin gently, as if it were the most expensive porcelain that should be handled with care.

Hyunjae started the shower making me more and more nervous. He pushed me with some force making my back touch the tile on the cold wall of the bathroom. I felt his wet abdomen touching mine and tried to take his shirt off awkwardly making him laugh with amusement.

I looked into his eyes feeling my cheeks flush hard as I held his necklace in my hand. I smirked when I realized it was the gift I had given them for his last birthday. It was a sun necklace that was completed with another necklace, which was mine and was shaped like a moon.

I used to say that he was the sun that lit up my life and that reflected in me. I didn't expect him to wear it every day, because he is so critical of his clothes and his style, so I was surprised when I saw the jewel on his soft, wide collarbone.

"I-I like that necklace." He justified himself by making me smile as I felt my hair gradually get wet from the shower water.

I caressed his cheeks, removing all the dust and ashes from his face. He closed his eyes as I carefully wiped his face by raising my hands to his hair. My stomach churned when I kissed the corner of his jaw and he let out a long breath squeezing my waist.

"I like you." I confessed by kissing his neck, stroking his hair "Really."

"N-Noona." He said slyly in my ear making me smile. He only called me Noona when he was embarrassed "Don't do this to me."

"What?" I asked, acting like I didn't get his thoughts while looking at his beautiful body in front of me. I moved my hands down his chest feeling my whole body softening and looked him in the eyes hoping he understood the message I wanted to convey.

"You know." He responded by pinning me to the wall as he fiddled with the buttons on his pants, leaning his forehead against mine, chuckling through his nose.

I hugged him feeling slightly embarrassed when I felt him take off my bra and toss it on any floor in the bathroom. I closed my eyes tightly as I felt his lips kiss my neck slowly and lovingly.

"[NAME] ..." He sighed and kissed my collarbone "I-I know you like romantic guys, but the last thing I want to do now is to be patient and romantic with you."

I felt my whole body tremble and my thoughts were confused.

"I-Is this okay with you?" He asked suspiciously and I nodded, unable to speak, "Are you sure?"

I just answered him by kissing him again. He returned it immediately, deepening the kiss, holding me in his strong arms.

So, I closed my eyes and just let all those feelings accumulated from so long being satisfied without thinking about anything else.

- ▪︎ -

The truth was that love could come from anywhere, from a friendship for years, from a complete stranger, from a colleague at work or college. There are no limits to define where love should be born.

For Hyunjae and you, it was born out of years of extreme care. An affection that could not be limited by friendship, and by the undeniable attraction you felt for each other. There are people who spend years like this without the courage to declare themselves.

At that moment, a questioning is born within you. What if you hadn't declared yourself that night? What if you had run away? Hyunjae would probably walk away and leave your house feeling his heart broken. You weren't going to have the happy ending you wanted, and you could probably lose a precious friendship.

Ultimately, the butterfly effect has been proven and you should admit that your best 'mistake' was to have overcome your fear and admitted your senses. His best 'mistake' was sleeping with his best friend.

The question that remains is: Was that your destiny, or just the butterfly effect?

Ultimately, none of that mattered, because you both loved each other deeply.

▪︎

MASTERLIST

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loki--fics · 3 years

Text

Stardust - Part 7

Loki x Reader

content warnings: cancer / illness mentions

author's note: i'm sorry about the hiatus! here's the update you've been waiting for, i hope you like it! ♡

"Don't worry," The agent said, a malicious smile on his face. His eyes were cold, boring into yours with an intensity that shook you to your core. "This will only hurt a bit."

He lied. The serum he injected you with felt like hot lava pouring through your veins, and you pulled hard against your restraints as you screamed. "Stop!" You wailed, tears flowing down your cheeks. "Please, make it stop.."

"We need to understand how you got your powers, don't you see?" He asked. "You're going to be a part of the next great step in mankind's evolution."

You sobbed. "I was born with them, I've always had them please, I'll do anything, just stop torturing me."

He grinned, his cruel features contorting in satisfaction as he spoke. "Anything, you say?"

"Yes, I'll do anything. Whatever you want, just please, I can't take it anymore!" You shouted.

Grabbing your chin, the agent forced you to look into his cold, calculating eyes. "What I want is to continue to search for the source of your power."

He picked up another needle, shoving it into the IV drip and emptying it while you screamed.

"Y/N! Wake up!"

Flailing, you felt someone grab your forearms and you yelped, shying away. "Please, no more," You begged.

"Look at me," The voice said, and you opened your eyes, seeing Loki staring at you in concern. "What happened?"

You took a shuddering breath as you tried to calm down, feeling the wetness of tears on your cheeks. "It was just a bad dream," You mumbled.

Loki eyed you, understanding and sorrow evident on his face. "It wasn't just a dream, was it? It was a memory." As you nodded, Loki released your arms. "Do you wish to talk about it? You have no obligation to-"

"I was taken by HYDRA, upon the discovery of my... Well, supernatural abilities," You said, interrupting him. "I've had them for as long as I can remember, I was born with them."

He realised that, in all the time he's known you, he had yet to ask what your abilities were. "What are they?"

You sighed. "I have a connection to the elements. I don't control them, but they come to me when I summon them, as long as I don't try to abuse them."

"Can you show me?" Loki asked, curiosity piqued.

You blushed, but nodded, holding out your hand. "Air, please come to me." You watched Loki's eyes grow wide as a soft breeze surrounded the two of you, brushing against your skin and lifting your hair in a mini-whirlwind. A ball of air swirled in your palm as Loki stared.

"Fire, please come to me," You continued, and suddenly the air around you was filled with the rich, woody scent of a roaring fire, and your skin grew warm. Fire replaced air in your palm.

"Water, please come to me." The warmth was replaced by a coolness, and the smell shifted to a clean, salty scent, water washing over the fire in your palm. Loki could only stare, eyes wide as the sensations washed over him.

You watched him subtly as you continued. "Earth, please come to me." A rock formed in your palm, and the air was filled with the smell of freshly cut grass and wheat, the feeling of a soft meadow beneath you.

"Last, but certainly not least, spirit. Please come to me."

Feeling his own chest leap, Loki gasped. The ball in your palm turned a shimmering shade of lavender, and it was as though the two of you were surrounded by the elements.

"Incredible," Loki murmured softly. With a flick of your wrist, a breath of warm air caressed his cheek.

"I know what you're doing," You said softly. "Thank you."

Loki nodded. While he wanted to hear your story, he was aware that you should share that when you were of good mind to do so, not when the memories had been so freshly pushed to the forefront of your mind where you believed them to be real again. "You're welcome."

"Air, Fire, Water, Earth, and Spirit, thank you. You may depart," You said softly. As the elements departed, you both felt the loss, like saying goodbye to a friend.

"But more than that, Loki, I really wanted to thank you for being my friend these last few weeks," You continued.

With a start, Loki's eyes snapped to yours. "What did you just say?" He asked. Surely he had misheard-

"Thank you for being my friend," You repeated.

"I am your friend?" He asked.

You chuckled. "Of course you are. Am I yours?"

"You are my only," He replied softly, and your heart broke for him. "Without ill intention or ulterior motive."

"Well, I know things were a bit shaky at the start, but I've felt more like myself around you than I have since I was diagnosed. Considering what's going on with my brain, it's-"

"Your brain?" Loki interrupted. "What do you mean?"

You mentally curse yourself. How could you have been so foolish? "You cannot say a word to anyone, especially not Tony. Promise me, please."

Loki had never made a promise in his life. But for you, he found himself doing so. "I promise I will say nothing."

Sighing, you told Loki the truth. "I have a new tumour, on my brain. My cancer spread."

Even though he did not wholly understand your cancer, he did understand that this was serious. "Why have you not told anyone?" He asked.

"Because then I won't get even a moment's peace," You said. "The team is going to be up my arse day and night."

"I can see how that would be frustrating," Loki teased, and you suddenly remembered how they had been doing the same to him. "Is there nothing that can be done?"

"No," You replied. "Like the tumours on my lungs, it's inoperable. They're hopeful that treatment will help."

Loki's chest felt tight. He didn't like this, he was getting too close. How could he have let this happen? He was a God, he would live for centuries after you passed, even if you weren't ill and besides that, you were kind, gentle, and pure. Too good for the likes of him.

Without a word, Loki got up and left. You watched his back as he walked away, wondering if you had said or done something to upset him. The couch was cold without him, and you wished you had thought before you spoke. What a stupid slip up! You scolded yourself. Why did you have to say that? Now he's upset.

With a sigh, you gathered your blankets and walked to your room, not wanting to deal with anyone right now. You sincerely hoped that Loki would keep his promise, the mere thought of Tony finding out causing anxiety to fill your chest. He won't find out, he can't, You thought.

Pacing his room, Loki ran a frustrated hand through his hair. What were you thinking? He asked himself. Letting the girl close, you should know better than that! You are not Thor, you do not consort with mortals! You know that it only brings pain when they inevitably die.

He couldn't help the way his chest tightened knowing that your cancer had spread, it meant you were dying more quickly. Especially to your brain, Loki knew that you didn't stand a chance. How much longer did you have? Months? Maybe a couple of years?

You knew this, He thought. Mortals are fragile, weak creatures. They grow old, they get sick, they die. He made up his mind to stay away from you, but it was much easier said than done. You had called him your friend, without malicious intent, something he had not heard in quite some time. You had thanked him for it, something he had not even realised he'd done. How could he ignore you now?

As you sat in your room, doodling in your notebook, all you could think about was Loki. It was wrong of you to burden him, You thought. You should have lied. You thought back to that first day you had seen him in the library.

"Did you truly believe you could lie to me, the God of Mischief?" He'd asked. "I basically invented lying."

You smiled at the memory. No, you couldn't have lied to him, nor did you want to. You had always been open with Loki, more so than anyone else at the tower, even Thor. He had been your best friend, yes, but you felt a kind of soul connection with his brother. While you cared for him, you realised that Loki truly understood you in ways that Thor could not begin to.

Not wanting to lose that, you scribbled a note on a spare sheet of paper, folding it and taking it to Loki's bedroom, sliding it under the door.

Loki watched the paper glide across the floor, picking it up with his long, slender fingers.

~ Loki,

I'm sorry if I've upset you in any way. Please, let me know if there is anything I can do to make it up to you.

Yours, Y/N ~

"I truly am an asshole," He muttered.

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subjectnumberx · 3 years

Text

Thumbnailing: Subject's Way

Thumbnails are an important workflow tool artists use to make creating their works more efficient. They are essentially tiny, low detail versions of the idea you may have in mind, and save time by helping you catch potential compositional errors, clashing colors in palettes(if you blob some colors on), and poses that simply might not.. work in character art as well as many other things not mentioned.

I am a very visual person and sometimes putting ideas to paper really helps me focus better on the task at hand. Organizing things into steps on the page really helps me not get overwhelmed. It might prove helpful to you as well.

In this tutorial, I'll take you through my workflow process when planning paintings and simple character illustrations.

I start off the process by doing a ton of sketches of whatever thing from many angles, poses, etc. Usually if I have a certain image in mine I simply sketch that and adjust little things like angle, placement of limbs, etc. Work teeny tiny, you can enlarge it later. I,t really depends on what the goal is for that piece what the process looks like. Here the goal was to just draw a character, so I have many options.

environment sketches look a bit different for me, as I will sketch them in literal cubes. I am still working through the technique. I just haven't gotten good enough at them yet to consider a tutorial by me would be helpful to anyone though.

Like with piece D, it's good to plan compositional elements here too. I added the moon that would go in the eventual background, swords in the hands of B and E, etc. Had I had more time, F would have gotten rough roses, but I digress.

After I have base sketches, I do very rough lines so I know what I'm looking at, and it primes me for what I could possibly have issues with in doing the final. I keep it VERY loose and don't dwell too much on details. If I'm drawing a character, I'm not even going to look up references, unless their silhouette is very complex. There is not much need for accuracy here. Just to nail down your subject's silhouette.

At this point, you can start eliminating which poses you don't want. Here I was very indecisive so I went through with sketching all of them.

At this step ill also take the time to plan variants if I feel like I would be indecisive about them/need them for certain platforms (optional).

Here's where things start to actually take the form of thumbnails. I work large and draw most of the anatomy of the subject so that things are positioned correctly in the frame. Draw the whole of something, even if you know it's going to get cropped out. There is nothing worse than trying to draw in a way that is already cropped, it messes up your anatomy bad, and you'll spend more time trying to fix it, especially if you are just starting out as an artist.

Physically drawing a box around them to help with framing is really good to help plan the composition of the final piece. Again, you can eliminate stuff here as well if they don't make interesting compositions. Consider the rule of thirds and how much breathing room you want or need in your piece. The one not in a box was eliminated because I didn't like the pose nor would it make a very interesting piece.

I also use different colors on the boxes so I can overlap them and keep my eyes from getting confused where one "drawing" ends and one begins.

If I'm planning portraits/art in my painterly style, I'll take the time to block in some colors just to see what I should shoot for in the final. I will also do several pairings of colors in their own sets of thumbnails if the piece needs it/i want varients. I highly suggest blobbing so that you can see how potential colors will play with one another. Learning the teeniest bit of color theory will help, I promise, but for now, i'lI'lll refrain from the mini-lecture.

these three two (you'll see), I figured would make better cel-shaded/quicker pieces due to how zoomed out they are, any true details I would want to focus on don't exactly work for my current style faraway. Be sure to tailor compositions that suit your style. I will be keeping these sketch ideas for future reference.

It's important to remember that just because an idea doesn't get used in this piece, that doesn't mean it can't be used in a further piece down the road. I actually have a horrible habit of deleting my thumbnails after I'm done with them, but if I'm thumbnailing in a sketchbook? I find myself browsing back over them for future pieces to get some rough ideas of what could work later.

One last thing, you don't have to plan as many thumbnails as I did, but I do suggest at least 3 or 4 to really stretch your creativity.

Thumbnails also make for a good warm-up. If you're curious, I did the initial sketches in this order: A C E D B F. I think it helped me loosen up a bit, but you can be the judge of that.

I went back and tried another approach for a painting, but now I have the base for 3 paintings I could pursue, albeit rough, but it's good to learn how to paint like a sculptor, I digress.

That's all there is to it. the key is being clean enough to get the idea down, but rough enough to save time. work small, using basic shapes to create silhouettes. You can enlarge it later and use it as a base sketch.

Last two cents: I've also learned that sometimes if a piece is just not working, it's probably more than likely a compositional issue, anatomy, or perspective, Which is why thumbnailing can help you catch these issues early.

happy drawing :)

a/n: this is my first time really creating a tutorial. this might not be groundbreaking information for some of you and that's okay. this tutorial was initially created for someone in an art server I'm in on Discord, hence the slide-text-slide format. I have taken the images and text from that and compiled them here to make it easier to pick up the tips. I do not consider myself a pro on any of the things mentioned by any means, merely my take on it all. Get multiple sources, educate yourself, practice, and find what works for you. - Sub

#its not perfect #but i hope it helps #tutorial #composition #digital art #digital illustration #digital painting #reference #art tutorial #art #sketch #thumbnails #illustration #medibang paint #medibangpaint #digital drawing #drawing

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halcyonstorm · 3 years

Text

The Girl at the Library Chapter 1

Short Fic - Levihan

Themes: College AU, Library, Fluff, Slow Burn, Falling in Love, Female Hange Zoe, Student!Levi

Word Count: 5730

Chapter: 1/3

Warning: Mild Language

Read on Ao3 - The Girl at the Library

Summary: Levi is a college student who needs help on his research paper. Luckily, Hange is a book worm and works at the library.

Levi was stressed and annoyed, mainly because he was in college. Of course with college comes infinite amounts of homework assignments, 100-question exams with astronomical amounts of topics on them, unnecessary research papers, and staying in a dorm room with a kid that happens to have no problem inviting his friends over every night to hang out and party with no regards to his sullen roommate.

Levi had a paper coming up. He had to come up with a topic, find sources, and finish his paper by the end of the semester. With three weeks left to go, he decided he’d rather get it over with. He began his brainstorming in the study lounge at the center of his dormitory floor. He was starting to stress. He sat on the big yellow leather couch in the way-too-bright study lounge with his laptop in his lap. He tapped his pen against his head as he tried to think of an idea.

“You have to write about a topic related to your major,” The professor explained. “This is the one and only paper you will have assigned this semester. I suggest you get it done as early as possible.”

If only it were that easy. He had the rubric pulled up in one tab, and a ton of “How to pick a research topic” websites in others. His major was pharmaceuticals, a field he was inspired to take on because of his mother. She was very ill when he was very young, so they were in and out of hospitals. He was sitting on the edge of his mother’s hospital bed when a nurse came in the room to administer her medications.

“This is…” His memory was blurry. “This medication will help… and make you feel better.” And it did. 9 year old Levi was fascinated. This one little pill or bag of what looked like water helped his mother feel better. Within hours, his mother’s skin went from pallor to beige. Her hands were warmer. She looked more awake, more alive. She didn’t wince at Levi’s touch. She was in less pain. She got better, like the nurse predicted.

Since then, Levi always asked questions whenever they visited the hospitals again and again. “What kind of drug is that?” “What does it do?” “How long does it take to take effect?”

Levi recalled the memory with a deep sigh. He missed his mother. She was at home, not too far away. Levi never had the time to travel the hour through the big city to visit her. When he did have free time, he spent it studying or sleeping. He felt his heart twinge at this. She had sacrificed everything to help him attend college and to give him a good life.

Now with his head cloudy, he went to reach his water bottle in his backpack. He opened the lid and took a sip. At that moment, he could hear some obnoxiously loud students throwing tennis balls back and forth to each other. He recognized these kids too, they were some (of many) of the lovely visitors his roommate had over most nights. Suddenly in the blink of an eye, Levi’s water bottle spilled all over his laptop, a tennis ball on the floor next to him, and some worried voices approaching him. Within seconds, the laptop started to steam and the screen went black.

His laptop was fried, he determined. He felt heat start to rise inside of him.

“Oh my god, man. I am so sorry,” One of the kids said, trying to hold back a laugh.

“Yeah, man. We didn’t mean to.”

Levi took a deep breath and stood up. These kids… were gonna pay.

He closed his broken laptop and stood up. These kids were much taller than him, but looked to be easily intimidated by Levi’s presence.

“Do you have the money to pay for this?” He sneered, getting very close to their faces.

“Eh… no, but we have jobs! We can pay you back over time,” One of the kids trailed off. They seemed to be intimidated by the short man. “You live in 112 right?”

Levi nodded, his face heating up with anger. “This laptop cost me a lot of money.”

“We get it, man! We said we’re sorry,” the other kid explained. “We’ll pay you back or whatever.”

“Tch,” Levi clicked. He was extremely pissed. These kids should not be throwing balls at each other in the hallway. Also, they spilled his water which made a mess. “Which room are you both in?” They responded with 118. The one kid explained they get paid on the 15th and 30th of each month. Luckily, their pay day was 4 days away.

“I’ll stop by Tuesday, the 16th,” Levi decided, before gathering his things and heading to the stairs. He began to walk through the campus. Fuck, now where was he gonna go? How was he gonna find his topics? His computer was fucked. Putting it in rice wouldn’t have helped. He was so occupied having a debate with himself about where to research, he almost missed it. If he looked the other way or even blinked in that moment, he wouldn’t have seen it. It was the campus library. No, not the campus library, but a campus library. It blended into the surroundings, hidden from the passerbyers. There was a sign in the window “We’re Open!”.

The library was small, to say the least. It was old fashioned, which contrasted the modern aesthetic of the university. It was a small, dark brown, wooden building with four-pane windows. The door was a lighter shade of brown. He decided it was easier to check out this little library instead of walking another 10 minutes to get to the main library. He didn’t have time to waste. He had to get started with his paper right away. He walked up to the door and opened it. When he did, a little bell rang at the doorway.

“Just a minute!” A woman’s voice called from the back. Levi decided to wander around. There were many books crammed on the shelves. There were two computers on each side when he walked in. They looked out of place, considering they were very modern compared to the architecture of the library itself. The books were all shades of bright, vibrant colors. It was strange. From the outside, it seemed creepy and gloomy. Once he walked in, it was very cozy. The dark walls of the library contrasted the beautiful colors of the books.

Then, he saw the woman come out. She came up to the desk. He expected an elderly lady with her glasses on a chain, but he assumed this woman was a student. She was a young woman who wore thin oval glasses and her brown hair thrown up in a messy half-up-half-down ponytail.

“Hi!” The woman said. “How can I help you?”

“I want to use a computer, please,” He announced. He glanced at her nametag which hung like a necklace around her neck. “Hange” was the name on the tag. It was strange and unordinary, but it had a nice ring to it. The name seemed to suit her.

“Sure! You are allowed up to two hours a day,” Hange explains. “You can choose whichever computer you’d like.”

The computers were unoccupied. In fact, the entire library seemed vacant except for him and the employee.

“Does anyone actually come here?” Levi asked, setting his stuff down next to a desk, and looking her way. She looked like someone who would work at a library.

The brunette chuckled. “You are my third visitor today!” She exclaimed proudly. It was already about 3pm. He remembered the sign in the front says “12pm-6pm weekdays”.

Levi chuckled silently, air huffed out his nose. “How do you stay in business?”

“Well, the university thinks it’s good to have a small library in the outskirts of the campus so students have access to books and computers because the main campus library is in the center of the plaza. Sometimes we get about ten people a day, and sometimes they don’t even take anything out. Sometimes I wonder how…” She began to ramble now. She definitely has not had anyone else visit her today.

She was starting to get on his nerves. It’s been 20 minutes since he arrived, and she was still talking. He zoned out until she caught his attention.

“Hey,” She said. “What’s your name? I have to track whoever comes in to use the computers.”

Why? No one else comes in. He noticed her clipboard with the sign-ins was blank.

“Levi Ackerman,” He announced. She scribbled his name down. “Okay, it’s 3:30 now, so you have till 5:30 if needed.” She pointed to the clock with her pen as she explained. He nodded and proceeded to walk towards the table with the computer he claimed. He sat down and began working.

He was an hour into his research when he finally threw his hands up in the air in frustration. He still couldn’t think of a topic. He groaned aloud.

Hange was leaning against the main desk, her nose stuck in a book. “How Trees Communicate” was the title. When she heard the young man groan, she looked up.

“Is everything okay?” She asked, peering over her book at him.

“Yeah, yeah,” He mumbled. “Fine…”

Hange raised an eyebrow. She placed her bookmark at her spot, then strolled around the desk and walked over to him.

“What are you working on?” She asked, sitting in the seat next to him and put her hands on her knees, looking at him curiously. He scoffs. It was none of her business, he thought to himself. And it’s an invasion of privacy.

He was frustrated and desperate. Hoping for a miracle, he managed to tell her anyways.

“I need a topic for my paper and I can’t think of any…” Levi began. “It needs to be based on pharmaceuticals, my major. It also needs scientific evidence to back up my research…”

She was fully absorbed in what he had to say. She was bored, so helping Levi would’ve been something to do at least. Besides, Levi was in luck. She was an avid reader, always reading about anything and everything. She was studying plants and botanicals, but she found herself frequently taking out books about cooking; religion; war; animals; and medical topics including surgery, pathophysiology, anatomy, and pharmaceuticals.

“What about how diuretics affect blood pressure?” Hange suggested. Levi was taken aback. His eyebrows furrowed, and he shook his head in confusion. “Or if anti-alzheimer drugs actually help slow the progression of Alzheimer’s? Why do you take different medications during certain stages of Alzheimer’s disease? Or how do anti-seizure medications work? That is something I ask myself all the time. You take this little pill and BOOM! You’ll be fine, no seizure! Oh, oh, oh! Or, how certain medications cause certain adverse effects? How come so many medications cause anxiety?” Her eyes started to light up as she talked. They were a dark brown, but when she started to talk, they seemed to morph to a captivating hazel. He felt he could see every color in her eyes. He saw brown and green and the little lines of her iris. Hange’s hands would move as she talked, and her smile grew wide. She couldn’t keep still. She was getting excited by coming up with all these ideas. She seemed so passionate and so willing to help; he was overwhelmed by her.

Levi was in shock. His day started off horrible. Now, he was almost glad his laptop was fucked. This woman was making his mind race with ideas.

“Are you okay?” Hange asked for the second time within his visit there. Levi nodded slowly. “I am just… How do you know all that? Are you a med student?”

Hange chuckled and waved her hand at him. “No… I am a bookworm! Also, my mom is a nurse, so she used to teach me about nursing stuff all the time. Oh! You could write about the pathophysiology of anticholinergics! Or beta blockers! Or how the body reacts to the use of long-term steroids?”

Levi took a deep breath. He felt euphoric. He had been casually trying to think of topics since last week. All of a sudden, this woman can just ramble off hundreds of ideas? Levi smiled visibly.

“Actually… I really like the final topic you suggested. About steroids.” Levi admitted.

Hange smiled back at him. “Great! I can try to help you find some sources or books.” She directed him to open a new tab and to go to a certain database. “This is where you can find reliable sources. Over here,” She pointed to his screen at the left side. “You can add filters. You can change how old or new you’d like the sources to be, filter out certain words or phrases, et cetera.” She had been closer to him now; she scooted her chair closer so she could explain the database to him. It was hard not to look at her as she explained. She was captivating.

Levi began to type in words for his topic.

“Steroids”, “Long-term use”, “Cushing’s Disease”, “Addison’s Disease”, “Addisonian Crisis”, “Pathophysiology”.

He felt like he was finally getting somewhere. He was finally making progress.

As Levi was walking home, he couldn’t get his mind off that girl. He decided to brainstorm about his topic in his room once he got there. The thing was, though, he couldn’t think of any more ideas. He found it funny. Of course he was full of ideas and inspiration when he visited that library, but now he’s void of any.

Levi’s weekends were no different than the weekdays. He made it appoint to visit the library again the next day, Saturday. It was a sunny, cool Saturday morning. Levi had inspiration to write. He needed a computer and Hange’s ideas. When he arrived, it seemed busy. There were three other patrons at the library. He recognized Hange right away, helping a tall blonde man with a big nose. He wondered if she was the only employee there. The man she was helping was taller than her, so she had to reach up on her toes to point to items. She was an average height, but this action made her seem shorter than she actually was.

Hange looked his way and greeted him with a toothy smile. Levi waved at her and started to head down one of the aisles of books. He was in the nonfiction section, but was lost. For now, he just casually browsed the section, but quickly got impatient. He needed Hange’s help to find books for this paper. He heard her laugh with the patron. Maybe he’s a friend, he thought to himself. Her laugh was airy and full of heart. It seemed genuine and passionate. Levi felt an urge to make her laugh, too.

She finally made her way over to him. Levi was looking down at a book when she caught his eye. “Hey, stranger!” She greeted him with a wave. “Whatcha looking for?” She placed her hands on her hips.

“I’m trying to find some sources for my paper. Steroids is the topic,” Levi explained.

“Oh, right. I remember! After you left last night, I tried to look for some books for your topic,” She said. She was trying to help me? Levi thought to himself.

She curled her finger in a “follow me” gesture and he did. She brought him to another aisle or two over from where they were. “These are the 600’s, where you’ll most likely find what you’re looking for. I found a book or two about Addison’s disease, but it’s more of a memoir. You can look around though if you’d like. Anything in the 610’s should be right up your alley.” She explained as if she was going to leave, but she didn’t. Hange looked for books with him.

After a moment, she made a noise. “Look at this!” She exclaimed. She reached next to him to reach for a book. She was on her toes again. “Mmmm,” She moaned as she tried to reach. “Actually, I’m gonna get the step stool. I don’t think I can reach it.” Quickly, she left and came back with the stool. It looked unreliable, but Levi was sure he’d be able to prevent any accident from occurring. Hange placed it on the ground and stepped up on it, grabbing the book with ease. She stepped down with the book in her hand. This book had a white cover with a blue label and was titled “Coping with Prednisone”. Levi was surprised she even knew what prednisone was.

“Here!” She reached it out for him to grab. He took it and looked at her face. She had that same look in her eyes. “Did you want to use the computer?” He nodded and she led him towards the front of the library. The library was small from the outside, but very deep inside. It reminded him of a forest.

“I got your name, don’t worry,” She said, clicking her pen and writing his name down on the sheet.

“Oops!” Hange made a quick grimace. “I added an ‘e’ at the end. I’ll just cross it out.” The statement sounded like it was addressed to herself rather than to anyone else. She crossed out the extra letter.

“Ackermane”. Levi was gonna attempt to make her laugh.

“If you thought I looked like a horse you could’ve just said so.”

Mane, horse mane. Get it?

It felt like forever before Hange responded. She looked up at him, starting to laugh. It was a short but audible laugh. Her head nodded back and she smiled. Her cheeks turned pink and her eyes lit up for a moment. It made his heart skip a beat. It was a bad joke yet she still laughed. She chuckled. Giggled? No. Laughed lightly. Chortled? Maybe that’s the right word. Whatever it was, he wanted to do it more, maybe even more than that.

He followed her to the computers. The blonde guy she was helping earlier was on one computer. She led him to the two computers across from the other ones and sat down in the chair next to him.

“What are you doing?” Levi asked, placing the book she found for him on the table.

Her eyebrows raised, and after a moment she reacted. She waved her hands in front of her.

“I’m sorry! I thought you may have needed help. I should get back to work anyway. I gotta go through a new box of books that just came in.”

Levi looked up at her. Is she blushing? he asked himself.

“I’ll let you know if I need help.” Levi responded. She smiled at him before quickly walking away.

He started to find some evidence-based practice articles about how steroids can cause long-term side effects, especially if stopped abruptly. He made sure to keep the tabs available. He’d have to cite them later. Levi’s mind was racing with words and sentences and ideas. He had to get them down on paper. He opened Documents on the computer and started typing away.

The clicking of the keyboard soothed him. He was a pretty fast typer, he didn’t make many mistakes either. The library around him began to become quiet as his typing got louder and he got deeper in thought. Before he knew it, his two hours were up. He felt someone approach him from his right.

“Hey,” Hange said, gently tapping the table next to him. “It’s 2pm. I gotta close up.”

Levi snapped out of his focused trance with a quick head shake. “Right. Sorry.” He pulled out a flash drive from his backpack and plugged it into the computer. He transferred his document. “I got the first page done.”

Levi asked himself for a brief moment why he was sharing this information with someone he just met. Maybe since she helped him, he felt she should know.

“That’s great! It seemed like you were really focused,” Hange said, walking away to shut off some lights. Only then did he notice the white noise of the overhead lights quickly dissipate. The room buzzed with silence now. Levi and Hange were alone in the library. Suddenly, Levi felt nervous. He watched Hange walk around the room frantically, making sure to shut off all the lights and computers. She grabbed a bag. The bag was a fabric material with a patchwork design that had a long strap that hung on on her shoulder. Maybe she made it herself. She grabbed her big mess of keys and walked towards him.

“Ready?” She said. He nodded and walked outside, holding the door for her. She thanked him, locking the door behind her. They began to walk down the street slowly.

“Want to grab lunch?” Hange asked, looking at him. Levi looked back at her. She looked pretty.

“Sure, I can eat.” Hange chuckled at that. He didn’t try, but it made her happy for a brief moment. He seemed nervous but she was too.

They decided to eat at a cute restaurant on campus called “Life in Paradis”. It was a small, dainty place with a green and yellow checkered awning. The building was made of yellow brick, and the door was bright green. There were flower pots outside on the windowsill. Again, this place seemed totally out of place in the modern aesthetic of the university.

“This place is adorable!” Hange exclaimed. “I love the food here. You’ll love it too. They have all kinds of food here.” Levi felt a smile grow on his face. The way she talked made his heart flutter. She was always so passionate. They entered and got a table for two. This is not a date, Levi kept telling himself. Then why were his cheeks red?

They sat down and looked through a menu. Levi wasn’t extremely hungry even though he hadn’t had anything but tea this morning. He peered over his menu to look at the girl. Her hair was different today, he determined. Today all her hair was in a ponytail, and it was higher on her head. She wore a light yellow button-down with a long, light blue cardigan. Hange caught him staring at her and blushed.

“What would you two like to order?” The waitress asked him first.

“I’m gonna get a sandwich, I think,” He said, crossing his arms across his chest. “Turkey sub.” “I think I’m gonna get a chicken caesar salad,” Hange said. He nodded, grabbed the menus, and walked away.

Hange began to talk about how beautiful the flowers outside the restaurant were. They were all variants of pink, purple, yellow, and red. She described the petals and the leaves, the flowers’ origins, and all the meanings of the flowers. Levi wasn’t annoyed by her tangent this time. He actively listened to this girl talk about what fascinated her so much. He found it soothing. It made him wonder how her brain can contain all the information she was spewing at him. He enjoyed watching the way her eyes lit up when she talked. The beautiful green that blossomed at the bottom of her irises when the light hit her eyes at the right angle. The way her lips curled into a big smile when she talked to him. Her cheeks flush to a light pink when she describes the petals of the flowers or how flowers were used to express feelings when words cannot. It made his heart race.

“Levi,” Hange said. Her affect was the opposite of earlier when she was rambling. She wore a frown on her face, feeling guilty.“I’ve been rambling… sorry. It’s such a bad habit of mine. I can talk for hours and hours.”

“Don’t apologize, four-eyes,” Levi replied, leaning his elbows and forearms on the table in a crossed position. Hange smiled at him. Levi meant it. She shouldn’t apologize for talking, especially if it’s about something she loves. The food had arrived at the table. They ate. Levi felt the need to open up to her about something. He already learned so much about her, and her presence made him feel like he can open up.

“I like to run,” Levi said abruptly. Hange looked at him intently, chewing on a forkful of salad. “I don’t do it competitively or anything, but I enjoy running. I try to run once or twice a day.” Hange’s eyebrows raised and she nodded in agreement.

“That’s awesome!” She smiled again at him. “I like to run too. I’m really slow and get tired easily, but I enjoy feeling the wind in my hair and feeling my heart pound.” She took a bite of her meal again. Levi nodded and began to eat too. This sandwich was really good.

After talking some more about hobbies and school, they both finished their meal. The waiter brought over the check. Hange reached into her pocket for her wallet.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Levi asked. Hange furrowed her brows.

“I invited you out to lunch. I will pay,” Hange determined, her wallet now in her hands.

“No,” Levi said too quickly. “I will pay. It’s the least I can do. You helped me with my paper after all.”

The bickering lasted a very long minute. Before she got to think of the idea, Levi grabbed the checkbook and shoved his card inside before handing it to the waiter. Hange looked surprised. She sighed, putting her wallet away.

“Thank you, Levi. But you really didn’t have to.”

“I wanted to.”

In all honesty, Hange didn’t have much money. She worked at that library four times a week, but the money she made went towards paying off her tuition. She really wanted to treat this man, her new friend. She wasn’t sure if he thought the same way about her. Did he consider her his friend? She felt slightly embarrassed. She did most of the talking and felt like she was annoying him. Maybe he just wanted to pay so she would lay off.

But the truth is, Levi felt the opposite way of how she was thinking. He was interested to hear more from her. He was addicted to the way his heart raced when he saw her.

Over the next couple of days, Levi would go to that library whenever he was available. He knew it was closed on Sunday, so he went Monday and Tuesday to the library. Fortunately, he got his first batch of money from the brats that fried his computer. He received $100. Of course it was not enough, but it was a start. Wednesday the 17th came around. This specific day was a wild card. The weather was unpredictable. Levi entered the library just in time; it had started to downpour. The little bell rang as he entered the library. To his surprise, Hange was not working that day. There was a boy behind the counter who was tall and had a brown bowl cut hairstyle. He almost thought about turning around and leaving when he realized she wasn’t there. The rain charged towards the earth viciously, so he decided to seek shelter in the small library. It almost looked like a hurricane. He felt his mood change into a bad one. He didn’t remember to ask how often she worked.

“Hi there!” The man said. His name tag read “Moblit”. That’s a dumb name.

“I wanna use a computer,” Levi muttered, walking up to the main desk.

“Okay. Name?” Moblit grabbed the clipboard and a pen.

“Levi Ackerman.”

“Oh, I see you’ve been here before. A lot, actually.” Levi scoffed and rolled his eyes at his comment. He turned around, picked a computer, and sat down. He felt really stupid to not ask her about her schedule.

The two hours he spent working on his paper was incredibly slow. He didn’t get much done that day. He had writer’s block. He was almost done, so he didn’t worry about it too much. He didn’t know Hange’s schedule. He knew she worked Friday, the day they met; Saturday; Monday, and Tuesday. Maybe she only worked four times a week? Before he knew it, he asked Moblit aloud. It was almost an accident.

“Uh, she’ll be in on Friday,” Moblit replied. He probably couldn’t give out that information to some creep who began visiting daily with an attitude. He muttered a “thanks” before finishing up and heading out. The weather was holding up for now, so he decided to make a run for it. He didn’t say goodbye to Moblit.

He didn’t have an umbrella. The sun was trying to shine through the dark, eerie clouds. It wasn’t trying hard enough. He heard thunder rumbling in the distance.

Levi realized that this girl was all he thought about the past few days. Something about her enticed him. Something about her eyes and her presence drew him towards her. His heart skipped a beat whenever she’d graze his hand on accident, or even when she just talked to him. She made him happy. He hadn’t had too many friends in college. Although they just met last week, he felt a deep connection with her.

Suddenly, the sun poked through the clouds for a brief moment. The world lit up. It was at that moment he recognized a familiar face. Hange. She was walking towards him. She grinned when she saw him. She wore a fitted black t-shirt and baggy, light blue jeans.

“Levi!” She exclaimed. “I forgot my jacket in the library, so I came down to get it.”

“You didn’t tell me you weren’t working today.” Is all Levi said. Once he said it, he realized how creepy it must’ve sounded. A man she just met happens to go to this library to work on his project every day, who happens to come up with multiple reasons to interact with her. Maybe she thought he was a perv.

“Ehh!” She sighed. “I’m sorry! I thought I told you I was off today.” Levi shook his head. The comment itself may have sounded rude, but it wasn’t. She genuinely felt bad. “Walk with me.” Levi followed. Guess not.

“I don’t work Wednesday’s and Thursday’s. Well I’m not supposed to be,” Hange explained. “Mobilt, one of my co-workers, is always calling out sick. So I basically run the place.” They walked towards the library again and entered.

“Hey, Moblit. How’s it going?” Hange said in a normal tone, heading towards the back of the library. Moblit responded briefly, following Hange. Levi decided to hang back, he figured it was a secure area. He looked around awkwardly.

“Hange, you didn’t tell me you had a boyfriend,” Moblit said, following her towards the back.

Hange chuckled nervously. “He’s not my boyfriend,” she said bluntly. “He’s just a friend.” Moblit scoffed, rolling his eyes. “If he’s not your boyfriend, how come his mood entirely changed once he saw you?”

Hange found her jacket, folding it over her forearm. “Huh?”

“He was, like, in a bad mood when he came in. He used the computer but he seemed to be pissed or something. Now that he’s with you, he seems… tolerable.”

Hange laughed, feeling her cheeks blush. “It’s nothing like that. People have bad days, you know.”

Hange rolled her eyes and smirked, then headed towards the front of the library. “Ready?” Levi nodded and turned around.

“See you Friday,” Moblit called out. “See ya.” Hange replied.

The two started walking down the street. The air smelt of rain, and the ground was wet from the rain earlier. “Which building is your dorm in?” Hange asked. He was a bit surprised she asked him that, and she was so direct about it.

“Saint Maria,” He replied. She smiled. “Me too! I can’t believe I haven’t seen you around!” The wind picked up and the sky turned darker than before. They both looked up. “If you can’t make it to the library, you can use my desktop in my dorm room,” Hange offered. Levi’s cheeks turned bright red.

“Thanks, maybe tomorrow I can stop by,” Levi said. It was more of him thinking aloud than a statement. It was too late though, Hange already heard him. He could’ve sworn he didn’t say it aloud.

“That’s fine! I only have a class early tomorrow morning. Come by around 11, okay? My room number is 506.” Levi nodded. Thunder rolled and sounded closer now. They were almost at the dormitory building when it started to downpour. The rain was forcefully coming down on the two. Levi groaned in annoyance. He hated being in the rain. He hated being wet; he hated the wet socks and how gross he felt when it rained. He would’ve started to run to the building to seek cover, but he was taken aback by his new friend.

She was soaked and embracing it. She lifted her head up to face the sky and she laughed. It was loud, happy, genuine, and it took Levi’s breath away. Hange reached her hands out wide and spun around. He saw a strike of lightning light up the sky. He stared at her in awe. His heart swelled. Levi smiled big. After laughing, Hange looked at Levi and shared the look that he wore just a few moments ago. She loved his smile. She wished to make him smile more. She was also determined to make him laugh, too.

She grabbed his hand. “Let’s take cover!” And she pulled him into the dormitory hall. Saint Maria’s hall was beautiful. It had ceiling-to-floor glass pane windows that were always crystal clear. There was a big black modern chandelier that hung from the ceiling. It contained visible light bulbs. Hange secretly loved it. There were the same big, yellow, leather couches in the living room as there were in the study area on his floor. They both wiped their feet off on the big rug in the entryway.

“I love the rain,” Hange deduced, turning her head to look at him. As if Levi couldn’t tell. Her hand was still holding his. Levi looked up at her. “I like it, too.”

#levihan #levi x hange #levi x hanji #levihan fic #aot #snk #attack on titan #shingeki no kyojin #snk fic #aot fic #rivahan

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maplecornia · 3 years

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chapter 28

𝔴𝔬𝔯𝔡 𝔠𝔬𝔲𝔫𝔱: 2.13K

𝔰𝔲𝔪𝔪𝔞𝔯𝔶: You watched them from the sidelines ever since you were a young teenage girl. Now you’re grown up, they’ve returned after 2 long years and everything has changed. What happens when you pull back the mask and find the darkness within? What happens when you see that they’re broken?

𝔞/𝔫: Jin looks kind of like a vampire in my banner ngl

What does he know?

You find yourself spacing out as you stand at the printer, waiting for Namjoon's schedule.

Just when you thought you had found some normalcy to your already chaotic life, you find yourself here. Biting your bottom lip, you groan, falling on top of the printer, the warmth as it sparks to life easing you even if it's for a little while.

"Why me?" you murmur, your brow furrowed and eyes glistening with helpless emotion. "Why now?"

What happened to the auditions you had sent before? In a time where you believed that you could achieve your dream without anything or anyone else holding you back. Were you not good enough then?

What makes you good enough now?

Groaning, you slide off the printer and run your hands through your hair. Your neat look has been thoroughly rumpled, just like your day, and you wonder if there will ever be a time where you're allowed to breathe.

Where you're welcome to let go.

With the small slip of paper sliding out of the printer, you grab it and turn swiftly around, ready to take it to Namjoon.

If only life were easier.

With a sharp cry, you bump into a couple of people walking by, and scalding hot liquid splatters between the two of you. A bitter, almost pitch black liquid soils your shirt and destroys the schedule you hold in your hands.

Coffee? Again?

Sighing, You wipe some of the drops off your face before glancing up to see if the pair is all right.

It's two girls and from the looks of it, they seem to be staff themselves, perhaps working on the publications team. You try to catch a glimpse of their badges, but they're moving too much and you can't get a good enough look.

However, you're able to catch a glimpse of their features perfectly fine. One of them is tall, with a soft tan to her smooth skin, and darker features. She has obsidian eyes that glitter when the light catches them and a square jawline that matches her demanding aura. Her hair is long and straight but looks soft to the touch. She doesn't wear many expressions on her face, however, and looks to be a bit standoffish. She would be hard to get close to.

The second one is the one who was carrying the coffee and though her face is pulled into one of disgust, you can tell that she's gorgeous. She has soft honeydew skin and almond butter eyes. Her face is perfectly symmetrical, and her lips full and glossy. Her eyes are large and wide, a deep brown color, with long dark eyelashes brushing against her cheek each time she blinks. They would otherwise be beautiful if they didn't sparkle with hatred and malice.

After a moment, you recognize what you've done; panic rising in your throat, you scramble to do something. You quickly reach for your emergency towels, but you've left your satchel in your small office. Cursing silently underneath your breath, you reach down to pick up the discarded cup and help her as best as you can.

"I'm sorry I--"

"Watch out will you?!"

Stunned, you step back, not sure what to do. It's been a while since you've been yelled at like that. A while since you've felt that shock. Swallowing hard, you shake it off and proceed to pick up the cup, keeping your distance.

Maybe it's better to just leave her alone.

"Wait..." at the sound of her voice, you look up, rather disinterested. "Who are you?"

Rolling your eyes, you turn to the trash can. You can't believe you expected an apology. Her friend, the one who was helping her clean up, peers at you before nudging her.

"She's who we were talking about, remember? Jaejin's replacement."

At the mention of your friend's name, your ears perk, and you drop the coffee cup in the trash can. Just what have they been saying about you two? Biting the inside of your cheek in annoyance, you turn around, facing them head-on.

"Oh!" The coffee girl's eyes widen. She looks you up and down as though inspecting a piece of meat. Her lip curls as she turns to her friends, eyes darkening with disgust. "Why didn't they ask one of us? She's hardly experienced."

You raise an eyebrow. Do they think you can't hear them? The dark beauty shrugs, her black eyes dull with disinterest.

"I heard she knows Jaejin. He gave her the post."

You try to be angry, you try to deny the accusations...but they aren't wrong.

Somehow, that makes it worse.

"Who is she, a colonizer?!" Ms. Coffee scoffs, tossing her hair over her shoulder. You try not to flinch, but you can't control it. You swallow hard, curling your hands into fists at your sides.

"Besides, isn't Jaejin dating Mijeong?"

Your breath stops as you hear the words, the same words Sunoh said when you met him. The same words which remind you of everything you have lost.

If they continue to speak, you don't listen, you can't hear them. The roar starts in your ears as your blood rushes to your head, and spots cloud your vision. You can't see, you can't think, you can't function.

Why is it still so hard?

Why can't you let go?

You feel yourself begin to sway as the room swirls into fragments of time and space, and you lose sight of where and who you are.

The only thing left is pain.

Always pain.

"Who says he isn't?" The hand wrapping itself securely around your shoulder, the soft calming voice at your ear, brings you back to reality and you're able to breathe again.

"Jojo?" The tall dark beauty's eyes widen and she steps back a bit. It seems as though she's started a fight she won't be able to finish. Jojo narrows her eyes, her hand tightening around your shoulder as she pulls you behind her in a protective gesture.

"What's going on here?"

"Nothing." Miss Coffee quickly intervenes, sending a wide smile your way. One that somehow comes across as menacing, matching the anger in her eyes. "Just a careless newbie is all."

Her voice is dripping with sarcasm and her friend beside her pinches her in her side, whispering something incomprehensible in her ear. The Coffee Girl shakes her off, growing furious by the second. You narrow your eyes her way. This has to be more than a stupid coffee spill, but what could she possibly have against you?

"Come on, Jojo. She's the one in the wrong. If it were any one of us, you wouldn't give a second look." She snarls before turning to you and reaching around Jojo to push you backward.

"Ya!" Jojo cries out in surprise, stepping in front of you, but not before the damage is done. Caught off guard, you stumble back into the printer. Her friend gasps, and steps back. You wonder if she's considering removing herself from the equation. Pulling yourself up, you glare at her before stepping forward.

"What's your problem?" you hiss, your hands clenching at your side to try and contain your anger. Jojo steps in front of you once more, just in case you decide to start swinging some punches. Frustrated, you push her aside. It's not like you're going to do anything. Jojo sends you a sideways glance, but you ignore her, focusing on the target in front of you. “What are you, a child?”

"Did you hear something?" The girl smirks, nudging her friend beside her who swallows nervously. You don't know why, but that only makes you angrier, and you consider stepping across Jojo to smack some sense into her. Instead, you deepen your glare and roll your eyes.

"Pathetic..."

Are you wrong? She's acting like a child. So naturally, your snide comment doesn't sit well with her. Eyes widening in anger, she raises her hand to slap you across the cheek, and you flinch.

But the strike never comes.

Opening your eyes slowly, you turn to find someone has come in between the two of you, hand wrapped tightly around the girls. You look to Jojo, half expecting the source to be her...but it's not. Her eyes are wide and she seems to have frozen.

So then who?

"Now now." Your eyes widen at the voice and your heart starts pounding hard in your ears as he steps in front of you, shielding you. The girl stares up at him with shameful fear, as though her entire world has just been shattered. "You should really watch your temper."

He drops her hand and she steps back, her friend catching her from behind.

"You never know who might be watching."

He gestures to the room, at the groups of people watching, whispering to each other. They don't hide their interest, nor their disgust as they send looks towards the girl.

Satisfied, he turns to you, a reassuring smile breaking out on his face. The same face known and cherished worldwide. Up close, it's even more unreal.

Kim Seokjin.

"As you said, Yen is new, and when you were first starting out, you made way more mistakes believe me." Jojo snaps, her eyes glittering with anger as she turns to Coffee. She steps forward, leaning beside her ear.

"I would be careful who you make an enemy, sweetheart." She whispers harshly, loud enough for anyone close to the two of them to hear. "Namjoon quite likes his assistant, wonder what he'd do if something happened to her."

Though the threat wasn't directly said, it's clear what Jojo meant and as she pulls back, smiling sweetly; the girl's pale face tells you that she clearly understood.

"Is that all then?" Jin says from beside you, causing you to jump. When did he get so close? The girl glances at the two of you and seems to grow furious at the sight. Her pale face quickly flushes with anger and she scowls before storming away, ramming her shoulder violently into yours before she goes; her friend scuttling after her.

"Ya!" Jojo calls, but the girl is already gone, and you don't mind. Scoffing, she shakes her head before turning to you. "So immature...what are we kids?"

You don't respond, instead, you turn away from the pair of them, finding your printed schedule discarded and drenched on the ground. Sighing, you pick it up, holding it gingerly in your hands.

Everything soiled.

"Now I have to start all over."

Behind you, Jojo and Jin give each other a look before Jojo kneels beside you and places her hand on your shoulder. When you don't look at her right away, she peers into your face and you turn to her, your face blank.

"Yen, are you alright?" you nod before pulling away, throwing the schedule in the trash can.

"I'm fine."

Jojo sighs before standing as well.

"Why didn't you stop them?" you pause at the question.

Why didn't you stop them? You're not sure you know yourself. You wanted to, you wanted to fight back...

But you have no fight left.

Sighing, you shake off the feeling of despondency before turning to her and smiling weakly.

"Were they wrong?" Jin furrows his brow in concern at the phrase. He tries to read your expression, understand what's wrong but it's near impossible. You've closed yourself off to everyone around you, and while you try to act tough, you're afraid. Sighing you turn away from them, unable to handle the pitying looks. "Besides, I don't have to answer to them."

I don't have to answer to anybody.

After a moment, Jin walks to your side and places his hand gently on your shoulder. Surprised, you flinch away from his grasp, but it doesn't phase him. He looks down at you with a somber expression before noticing your drenched shirt. You follow his gaze and the heat of embarrassment floods your cheeks. You quickly fold your arms across the stain, acting as though it doesn't exist. He smirks a little at the attempt.

Now she...she's interesting.

"Jojo?" He calls, still staring at you, and you narrow your eyes.

What is he expecting, a cookie?

"Would you mind printing out the schedule for Ms..." His eyes search for your badge before he locates it and takes it, reading your name. "...Lin today?"

Jojo nods but looks towards him a bit perplexed.

"Sure...but what are you planning to do?"

Smiling he twirls your ID in his hand before you snatch it away from him which only makes his smile grow wider. Taking your hand, he turns and pulls you behind him, Jojo staring at the two of you in shock.

"I'm going to help her change."

𝔫𝔬𝔱𝔢: another BTS member encounter! and yes, it's the cliche stop of the slap, shut up 🙄

chapter 29 here

check the Infinite Stars masterlist for more chapters

check my BTS masterlist for other BTS content

check out my masterlist for other kpop fanfics

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imomomi · 4 years

Photo

AN: I imagine it goes a little something like this....

The moment Kiyoomi agreed to meet Suguru for drinks he had regretted it. The ex-Nohebi captain had a talent for getting him to drink far more than he expected. Every time they hung out, Kiyoomi would end up stumbling home, pink cheeked and slurring his words.

A beer bottle was pushed in front of him as Suguru flipped the sizzling pork-belly. Kiyoomi lowered the mask, thankful that they were situated in a corner booth and far from the students loitering in the middle of the restaurant. The slightly bitter aftertaste rushed in his mouth, chased down by a piece of pork belly so crisp it was almost burnt.

As much as he grumbled about Y/N’s band of misfit cheats, he didn’t mind having a break from the fame that surrounded his life as a pro-player. Suguru was never hesitant to poke fun of him or cut him down for a bad game.

“How’s the new team?” asked Suguru, in between bite of food.

“Atsumu is as much of a pig as he was in high school and Bokuto is just as loud as ever,” answered Kiyoomi. A dark look crossed Suguru’s face at the mention of Fukurōdani’s former ace forcing a laugh out of Kiyoomi.

“You shouldn’t have cheated. You might have gone to Nationals, if you hadn’t. Though, from the way Nohebi played, you wouldn’t have made it very far,” said Kiyoomi.

“Shut up. It’s not like we had a top ace on our team.”

“Which is why you should have practiced more.”

“Yeah, let’s end this right there. Hearing this from a V-1 player is just depressing.”

“I beat you in college, too.”

“You’re an arrogant bastard,” Suguru muttered.

“If you put enough effort and practice regularly and with care, anyone can be good. It’s not so much arrogance as an acknowl-“

“Okay, you need another beer and more food,” Suguru said, cutting him off. He waved down a waitress, ordering far more stuff than either of them would eat. There was an unspoken rule that Kiyoomi would pay. It was payback for the money that Y/N regularly forced Suguru to cough up as compensation for being mean to her.

“I wonder what would have happened if you guys met during our last qualifiers,” Suguru mused. Kiyoomi tilted his head in confusion.

“What?” he asked.

“Your second year. We were your opponents during the Spring Qualifiers.”

“I remember. We won in straight sets.”

“Did you really need to mention that?” Suguru grimaced, inhaling a mouthful of beer, “Y/N was injured, so we played without our manager. But, I’m pretty sure we dodged a bullet not having her there. The first time we lost, she spent an hour making fun of us afterward.”

“How did she get injured? Where? How bad was the injury?” Kiyoomi asked in a rush. Had he been paying more attention; he would have noticed the gleam that entered Suguru’s eye.

“It got hot in the gym and they were renovating the central air, so the floor was slick with sweat. You know how Y/N is, she didn’t bother looking and slipped. Broke her collarbone and was yelling at us about it for a month,” Suguru said. He grinned at the memory. Though there’d been some worrying and tears when it initially happened, the scowl that Y/N wore for weeks after the accident had been an endless source of amusement for everyone on the team.

“Open or closed fracture?” said Kiyoomi sharply. Suguru raised a brow, finger tracing the rim of his bottle.

“Don’t remember to be honest. Just ask her later.”

“What are you doing?” asked Y/N. Her feet were propped on the couch, hands steadily applying a thin layer of pink nail polish to her toes. Kiyoomi’s fingers hooked around the collar of her shirt, pulling it down slightly so he could see the sharp edge of her collar bones. Y/N inched backwards, looking at him with wide eyes.

“Ummm, can you wait until after I finish my nails?”

“I never noticed this scar,” he murmured, eyes glued to the silvery line that cut across the bone. Her brows drew together, teeth scraping her lip, as she considered her answer. Kiyoomi fixated on things at random times, like different players or an illness he’d heard about on the news. Unlike his cleaning habit---something she was endlessly thankful for after years of being told she’d make a bad housewife---his pessimism was endlessly amusing to her. In college, she’d often lied awake by his side as he hunted down videos of opposing teams and found out everything he could about their players.

“It’s almost gone, I’d be surprised if you did,” said Y/N, at last. Kiyoomi leaned back, towering over her with a scowl on his face. His brow wrinkled and she fought the urge to smooth it out.

“How often did you get injured before we met? Were you a clumsy child?”

“Not particularly, but I had trouble sitting still.”

“I thought so,” muttered Kiyoomi. He turned sharply, disappearing down the hall. Y/N watched his back in bewilderment, before turning back to her nails. Whatever it was, he’d tell her later.

She put up with it for three days. Three days of Kiyoomi spotlessly cleaning and drying the floors whenever he was home. Of him ensuring that her shoes are double knotted and tight enough to suffocate her feet whenever she left the house. Of him hovering over her whenever she gets up in the apartment. Once, he’d explicitly told her not to move from the bed when she wanted water and had rushed to kitchen to get it for her. Half of her wanted to laugh, the other half was ready to kill him.

“What happened and why am I being baby-proofed?” asked Y/N, folding her arms over her chest.

“Nothing,” mumbled Kiyoomi. His lips pursed, forming a pout as Y/N leaned over the table and took his hand into hers.

“I’m not stupid, Yoomi. Something’s wrong. What did Suguru tell you?”

“You broke your collarbone,” he said. Y/N fell back into her seat in surprise, before she started to laugh loudly. Kiyoomi’s lips twitched reluctantly, the sound fanning the embers of affection that thrummed through his body.

“You didn’t even know who I was back then and even if we did, you went to a different school?” Y/N said.

“All the more reason, we should be cautious now and prevent any injuries.”

“I don’t play sports. An injury isn’t going to end my career,” said Y/N.

“That shouldn’t prevent you from taking proper care of your health.”

“When have I ever been sick?” she asked in exasperation, “Only once in the five years we’ve known each other. If I get injured, I’ll get better. Worry about me dying when we’re old, okay?”

He nodded and turned the conversation toward Hinata’s latest attempt to push his debut up. Y/N let him, but her mind lingered on his concerns. Kiyoomi might not have been the most affection person in the world, but he cared far more than people realized. He did everything with care as if it would break in his hands if he handled it too roughly.

Later that night, they’re resting in bed. Kiyoomi was warm and bright beside her, lips tracing the scar at her collarbone. Teeth nipping at the skin.

“I hope I die before you,” he whispered.

“Don’t say stuff like that,” Y/N said sharply.

“Hmm,” he rose up on his elbow, and rested his head in the palm of his hands. His fingers traced an invisible pattern on her ribcage. “It’s true. It’d be easier not to worry, if I’m dead.”

“You’re so annoying. If you’re lucky, I’ll kill you in your sleep,” she promised

“Wait a couple years, will you? I’d like to make it to the Olympics first.”

Y/N let out a breathy laugh, shaking her head at his absurdity. She wondered briefly what he’s be like if they decided to have children. Overprotective to a fault, but unfailingly awkward when it came to voicing his affection. Blunt as baseball bat when it came to pointing out someone’s mistakes. She rested her hand over his squeezing all her fondness of him into the touch.

#Sakusa x reader #Sakusa reader #sakusa kiyoomi #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu #Sakusa kiyoomi x reader

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mymoodwriting · 3 years

Photo

@xcharlottemikaelsonx

“Have you ever been hurt before?”

“Huh?”

“You never went on missions with your boys, have you ever had an injury that Ten needed to heal?”

“Oh… well… no… they all kept me pretty safe…”

“I see.”

You were quite surprised as to where you ended up. The place seemed so plain and boring, and yet you entered an indoor garden. You were amazed by the sight and then you spotted a familiar face.

“Ten!”

You ran over and hugged the boy from behind. He seemed a bit startled at first and then overjoyed to see it was you. He was quick to embrace you, peppering your face with kisses.

“Y/n, are you okay? I’ve been worried sick!”

“I’m fine, I-”

You whimpered as you moved your broken hand. He was quick to find the source and grab your hand. His ability to heal helped him identify injuries even if they weren’t obvious. He gently took your hand, healing it, and then glaring at Taemin.

“What did you do!”

“He didn’t do anything.” You quickly moved between them. “I broke my hand…”

“What? How?”

“It was an accident… Taemin had me talking with someone and… I got really upset…”

“What do you mean?”

“I can read minds, Taemin taught me and… I learned… I saw… I saw the things they did to Taemin…”

“You showed her that stuff!”

“I’m okay, Ten. It’s important to… understand each other…”

“Still.”

“I said I’m fine. Besides I got to know what it’s like for you to heal me, and it’s pretty cool.”

Ten sighed and ruffled your hair. “Yeah, it’s pretty cool.”

“What are you doing here anyway? This place is really beautiful.”

“Practicing.”

“Huh?”

“Watch this.”

Ten picked a wilted flower. You stared at it perplexed, and then you saw it bloom again. You took the flower with amazement, taking in the scent.

“Wow, that’s so cool! I didn’t know you could do something like this.”

“Me neither.”

“Is that why you’re here? Making everything bloom again?”

“More or less. This is a different type of healing… I need to get used to it to be better.”

“I’m sure you will.”

“You should get back to it.” Taemin said. “I’m sure the others would like to… see… y/n.”

It had been a while since you actually saw the rest of your boys, so you were excited to see them. Although you then remembered what you had done to Taeyong and Mark, suddenly feeling shy and guilty. You didn’t know who you were gonna see first, and you didn’t know what you were going to say either. Instead of a garden this time you entered a plain white room, seeing Taeyong huddled in a corner, some weird device on his head that blocked his vision, and a collar around his neck. You ran to him before you could be stopped, forgetting your previous worries.

“Taeyong! What did they do to you! What is this?”

“Y/n… is that really you?”

“Yes, what’s going-” Taeyong pulled you into his arms, feeling you up to make sure it really was you. “It’s me Taeyong.”

“I’ve been worried like crazy. Are you okay? You’re not hurt are you?”

“No, I’m fine, but what about you? What are they doing?” You turned to Taemin. “What is this?”

“Necessary.”

“Necessary! I thought you were being a dick to just me cause I can’t do shit!”

“What?” Taeyong’s grip on you got tighter. “What are you talking about? What has he been doing to you?”

“I’m fine, Taeyong… he’s just… helping me figure out my powers.”

“Helping?”

“… I kinda get how reading minds go… you’re really worried about Taemin’s intentions right now… and trying to figure out how to get out of your restraints.”

“So you also just go into people’s heads without permission now?”

“I… sorry… I didn’t-”

“You’re not hurt, right? You’re not lying to me?”

“No… I’m okay…”

“You gotta look after yourself okay, I’ll figure this out, so just hold on.”

“Have I not been clear?” Taemin questioned. “I have no ill intentions towards any of you, but I understand you need proper motivation to improve.”

“Then stop speaking in riddles and tell me what you want from me. You’re doing this for a reason, so tell me what you think I can do.”

“Just like that? You’ll do it?”

“Try me.”

“Excellent. Now, listen closely cause I don’t like repeating myself. You create duplicates of yourself, empty headed copies of you that function with a singular purpose in mind. In this state you cannot see, but you don’t necessarily need your eyes.”

“I said to stop-”

“What makes you think you can’t possibly connect, or possess, your duplicates? They are you after all.”

“You think I can… like… project my consciousness?”

“Of course, it would have made things easier back then too. Send out a copy of yourself while you remain behind to look after y/n, both of you safe and sound.”

“If that’s it, what’s with the shock collar? I can’t create a duplicate like this.”

“You need to get used to the pain.” Taemin pulled you out of Taeyong’s arms. “Let’s go.”

Taeyong tried to reach for you again, but never found you. Instead he heard the door close and was once again in his solitude. At least now he had a goal, or at least something to try, since he still didn’t believe what Taemin told him was possible. Regardless he needed to do something, you were all on your own, and he couldn’t be locked up like this. For now at least he could focus on getting past the pain of the shock collar and use his power like normal.

❤

A part of you wanted to choke out Taemin when you saw Mark was in a similar form of restraint. Kai had been in the room, casually sitting at the table, trying to get the other to eat.

“Mark…”

“Y/n? Is that you?”

“Yeah I-”

This time when you tried to approach Taemin kept a tight grip on you. Kai was just on his phone, no interest in what was going on around him. You glared but didn’t get a chance to speak.

“You’re quite disappointing, Mark.”

“Does it look like I care?”

“You made the choice to stay, and yet you remain in your bonds even though you could have escaped them long ago.”

“As if your previous threats haven’t left the impression of not trying shit.”

“I said you shouldn’t leave this place, as you’d have no way of coming back, I never said anything about your restraints.”

“He’s not that smart.” Kai commented. “At this point I think we should spell it out for him.”

“Ya!” Mark countered. “I’m right here!”

“Taemin this isn’t fair.” You said. “I get you want to help, but why are they all kept locked up this way?”

“Ten isn’t.”

“But Mark and Taeyong?”

“Don’t forget Lucas.” Kai added.

“What!”

“Each of your powers need to be treated differently, and these methods surprisingly help achieve that.”

“How!”

“Simple, you heard what Taeyong can do. Mark simply needs to learn how to manipulate his portals in a more flexible way.”

“Huh?”

“You’ve only ever created portals big enough to escape through, never to do anything else, right?”

“So?” Mark questioned. “What’s your point?”

“Make a portal to get the collar off. Either make a portal like a collar to swallow up the dangerous piece, or create a second skin that’s a portal and simply step out of the restraints. You have so much potential and yet you do nothing with it.”

“You expect me to do something like that?”

“If you ever want to get your vision back, yes.”

“Are you insane!”

“This was always my concern with you, your own self-doubt. Y/n, what have you learned?”

“Well… I can read minds…”

“You’ve been doing this shit to her too!”

“No, y/n does require more… intimate sessions.”

“What the hell have you been doing!”

“I’m fine, Mark, I swear.”

“I can’t even look at you right now, how can I be sure?”

“Then get out of your restraints.” Taemin hissed. “I do believe you’re capable.”

“Fuck you.”

“You’d be more threatening if you weren’t in your current state. Also if you weren’t yelling at a wall.”

Kai chuckled, and Mark didn’t even bother to move, not wanting to make the situation worse. Your feeling of trust was starting to fade, not that it was ever really there, but it wasn’t being built right now either.

“If you want him to be able to manipulate his portals in a different way than he’s used to… shouldn’t he be able to see?”

“Touché.” Kai laughed. “But it’s funny seeing him stumble around.”

“Why did you blind him in the first place?”

“Didn’t want him to just leave.” Taemin said. “Of course he could have left by now, but he shows loyalty by remaining. I suppose you have a point, and I don’t believe he’ll do something stupid. Kai, can you remove the blindfold, the collar stays though.”

Kai got up and removed the device on Mark’s head. The boy needed a moment to adjust to the light, and then his eyes found you. He appeared relieved to see that you were alright, and you gave him a smile and wave.

“You’re okay?”

“Yup.”

“You’re not lying, right?”

“No, I’m really okay.”

“And you should get to practicing.” Taemin said. “We’ll check in later.”

“Wait-”

You didn’t get a chance to say more as Taemin escorted you out, Kai coming along as well given he no longer needed to watch over Mark. You stepped away though, not enjoying these visits anymore.

“What?”

“Why do you have to do this? Ten’s not locked up, but the others are?”

“The others don’t exactly like me.”

“And you think this will help?”

“So you rather I let them all free? As if Mark wouldn’t grab you and run the second he had a chance. If they can all learn to do something new then they’d understand I have their best interests in mind.”

“Why not tell the truth instead of being vague? I understand what-”

“You got to see what happened, you have proof that my words are true, they won’t get that.”

“Well… what if I can? I can read minds, what if I can like… project images, and show them?”

“No.”

“I can’t?”

“No I… I’m sure you could… but I’m not onboard with you seeing those memories again…”

“I’d help with this lack of trust.”

“I appreciate that, but you still need to hone your own powers.”

“Right…”

“Come on, I’m sure Lucas would also enjoy your visit.”

You really wish it didn’t have to be like this. You just wanted your boys back, but it’s not like you were planning to help them escape either. You started to wonder if maybe they would lose trust in you.

“Lucas hasn’t been in here long, so hopefully this goes well.”

Taemin opened the door and gestured for you to go in. The cells were all the same, plain white walls, but you didn’t see Lucas. You walked in cautiously and before you could say a word you were grabbed and flipped over. Your back slammed against the ground, and you got the wind knocked out of you.

“Lucas!”

Taemin and Kai rushed in, pulling the other away from you. It was hard to breathe, and you started coughing making it worse.

“Kai, go get Ten! Now!” At some point Taemin had you in his arms. “Calm down, you’re alright, just calm down.”

Ten was suddenly in your vision, a hand on your chest. You weren’t hurt bad, so there was just a bruise to heal, and for you to regain your breath.

“What the hell is wrong with you!” When he was done with you, Ten had thrown a punch at Lucas. “She didn’t do anything.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t know it was her.”

“So you were just going to attack one of the others.”

“We were supposed to work together, and now I’m here!”

“And you think doing this will help?”

“Then why am I locked up.”

“At the end of day, this method is required for you.” Taemin admitted. “You need to focus on your hearing. If you do so, one day you’d be able to recognize y/n based on her heartbeat or breathing alone.”

“She’s okay… right?”

“I’m fine.” You spoke up with a hoarse voice. “Just fine.”

“Sorry…”

“This is for your own good Lucas.” Taemin said. “It’s not fair, I understand, but necessary.”

“I just don’t… what do you think I can do? Super hearing… it’s not much…”

“You’re underestimating yourself. If you truly focus, you could see the world without eyes. Think of it like echo location. Sound bounces off of everything, if you listen, you could possibly create a blueprint of your surroundings. Your powers would be excellent for surveillance and infiltration, not just cracking safes.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Taking your eyes is necessary, and I’m sorry for that.”

You got to your feet and went over to Lucas. He flinched at first, startled, but let you embrace him. Your throat still felt weird, and you just had a phantom ache in your chest, but you weren’t upset with him.

“I’m not mad you know… not about this… or the train…”

“We haven’t talked about that…”

“I don’t suppose we can talk now?”

“You can’t neglect your own training.” Taemin reminded. “And we need to examine your new ability properly.”

“Right…”

“I’ll be fine.” Lucas assured. “You should go.”

“I can come by later, right?”

“Sure.” Taemin said. “Visits are fine.”

❤

You did get to see the others more often, although it sucked that Mark was the only one with his vision. Taemin did inform you that they were making progress, and you looked forward to seeing it yourself one day. Out of all of them Taeyong was the one trying the hardest. He knew he could get out of this, or that he had the potential to. His motivation was you, just to see cause he hasn’t had the chance to since he left you with Ten on the train.

The first part was just creating a duplicate through the pain. He did learn to tolerate it, which certainly took a lot out of him. The hard part though was actually connecting to his double, if that was at all possible. He could feel something about him that was outside his own body. He never noticed it before, but it seemed that his clones didn’t just exist autonomously. That small feeling, he did his best to grab onto it, and just make it stronger. Then to his own amazement he did it.

Taeyong was no longer in darkness. He needed a moment to adjust, and then he could take in his surroundings. The room was plain, and then he could see himself sitting in the corner, seeing the contraption on his head. He was about to examine it further when the door opened. He caught a glimpse of Baekhyun before a blinding white light shoved him back into darkness. Taeyong gasped, startled by the action and then he felt the pain, as if someone had shot him in the head. It was something like never before, and then he realized he was back in his original body, somehow.

“So… what’s my hair color?”

“Baekhyun? What the fuck just happened?”

“I killed your clone.”

“Why!”

“I thought you were in there.”

“I was! So why would you do that!”

“Can’t let you try to escape, besides, I thought you were used to the pain?”

“I… I… that was…”

“Do you know my hair color? Or did you miss it?”

“No… it’s brown.”

“Bravo.” Baekhyun removed the blindfold. “You get your own eyes back.”

“Did I really just…”

“Die? Possess another body? Yes, very impressive, Taemin will be happy to hear.”

“I didn’t… where’s y/n?”

“Busy with her own training. Although you need to show Taemin your improvement first, so you might want to practice some more.”

“Are you just gonna kill me again?”

“Yeah, but not so often. Good job though, I’m sure y/n would love to see it too.”

Baekhyun excused himself, completing his task in regards to Taeyong, for the moment. When he stepped out Kai was out in the hall waiting for him.

“So did he really do it?”

“Yup.”

“Nice. When do you think he’ll join us?”

“He needs to get the hang of possessing one of his duplicates first. Then maybe he can control more than one at a time.”

“Ugh, they advance so slow.”

“We’re not the Organization. We’re not pushing them until they break.”

“But how long do we have before the Organization catches up to us? They have nothing better to do but hunt us down right now, and they’re not just gonna kill us.”

“They might if they discover y/n is a telepath.”

“Or they’ll just want to get to her first. We can protect her, but not all of the others at once.”

“We need to trust they’ll get there. Besides, this is exactly why Taemin is so focused on y/n’s training, if she gets a better handle on her powers, then we don’t have to worry about the rest.”

“Do you really think Taemin’s theory will work? It sounds far-fetched, even for him.”

“He can already do so much by bending the rules of his powers, this isn’t just a theory.”

“True, and he’s based it out of jealousy.”

“No.”

“Yes. Come on, y/n’s what the Organization wanted, Taemin was second best. If his plan really does work, you have to admit it’s kinda petty.”

“But it’ll get the job done.”

“At what cost? Y/n?”

“Whatever is necessary.”

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teresa-of-ficwill · 3 years

Text

[Geraskier] In the name of love

Summary: Jaskier did not remember where but one day he heard a proverb that said something like "if you fall in love with a witcher - you will die." Then he considered it utter stupidity but now... It turned out that it was not just a proverb.

Or the story of why witchers don't fall in love.

***

Chapter 2 "It's better to burn out than to fade away"

Missed Chapter 1? You can find it on ao3 right now!

Jaskier woke up suddenly, emerging from the embrace of sleep. Dull pain in the temples was a little distracting so it took the bard a few seconds to understand where he was. The day was breaking. Julian wrapped himself in a blanket and unconsciously scratched his right hand but this simple movement suddenly hurt. Jaskier looked down and saw the swollen veins on his wrist again. He gently ran his fingers over them, trying not to cause more pain.

Geralt said he was dying. Memories of yesterday evening were blurry and indistinct but these he remembered clearly. He was dying but for some reason, he wasn’t scared at all although he should be. It should be by all the rules. Julian didn’t understand anything.

“I'm sorry,” a voice sounded from nearby and Jaskier looked up. Geralt sat a few steps away from him and had probably been watching him for a long time. In the eyes of the witcher were guilt, pain, and a bit of despair.

The bard shrugged his shoulders.

“We’ll all die someday,” he said, looking down again at the swollen veins. They were like a drawing. Beautiful drawing which was not finished yet. Who would have thought that such beauty is hidden under his skin?

“Please, don't be so calm,” the man said because such indifference was frightening.

“But I am calm,” Jaskier answered and hid his hand under the blanket. He felt that his behavior made Geralt nervous so he tried to pull himself together. He was okay. At least for now.

“How are you feeling?” the witcher asked, throwing more logs into the fire. Dawn was coming but it was still cold outside and the fire was the only source of heat.

Julian didn’t answer right away, listening to the sensations, but he didn’t notice anything except a dull pain in his temples and a slight throbbing in his wrist. Even consciousness seemed to Jaskier extremely clear.

“I'm fine,” the bard replied and reached for his clothes to get dressed. Geralt was watching him. “So, will you explain what happened to me?” asked Julian, pulling on a shirt and for the first time in many hours feeling himself in his body. It was like he was in control again.

“Do you remember what happened yesterday?” the witcher asked because of the state in which Jaskier was he could be barely called sane. Before Geralt kissed him, the bard was hardly conscious at all.

“I confessed my love to you, you said something, and then we had sex,” replied Julian, listing only events he was sure of. Memories of the evening seemed to be shrouded in a dense haze and he hardly caught even the outlines.

“Was this what you wanted? Did you want to have sex with me?” asked the man and it seemed to be a really important question for him.

Jaskier looked surprised, “Of course, I did. I confessed my love to you.”

“You were delirious.”

“No, I wasn’t yet,” the bard replied, surprising even himself. But he really wasn’t. Before he spoke these three words, he was fine. But then it's ... weird. Why did he not notice such a dramatic change in his state?

Julian confessed impulsively because he is an impulsive person but he could swear that at that moment he was completely sane. And then things got worse.

Geralt sighed and hid his face in his hands. Jaskier watched him with concern.

“It's my fault,” said the witcher after a couple of seconds of silence. “You're dying because of me.”

“What do you mean?” the bard immediately asked because he still didn't understand anything and, for some reason, it wasn’t becoming clearer at all.

“Do you know why witchers don't fall in love?” the man asked, looking at Julian again, and he shook his head negatively. “Because our love kills. Take a look at your hand. You will die as soon as the poison reaches the heart.”

“But...”

“It's my fault,” Geralt repeated, staring into the forest. “I liked you, and I allowed this feeling to grow, become bigger, stronger. It's such a temptation to love someone and I just succumbed to it. I was sure that you would never love me back and I made a terrible mistake. Now you are dying.”

“I don't understand ... how does it work?” Jaskier asked, trying to figure out whether Geralt spoke so indistinctly or his consciousness has begun to grow dim again.

“The curse works only if the feelings are mutual. I could love you without reciprocity for the rest of my life, and you would be fine. Or vice versa.”

“Can it be cured?” asked Julian, pulling on his pants, but, in fact, he has already known the answer. His mind was not as clear as it had been after waking up and Jaskier just wanted to make sure that he was not missing anything.

Geralt shook his head, “You must stop loving me to survive.”

The bard nodded, pulled his boot over his right foot, and said, “Welp… then it can’t be treated.”

Julian loved his life but he wouldn't even try. It was pointless. It wouldn’t work. And Jaskier didn’t want to spoil the remaining days with unsuccessful attempts to stop loving someone who mattered so much to him.

The bard pulled a boot on his left foot, closed his eyes, and tried to breathe in deeply. The noises in his head became louder but were still tolerable. His state was as after good drunkenness so Julian swore not to drink anymore. Never.

“Jaskier?” Geralt's voice was worried and the bard realized that, most likely, he sat with his eyes closed for too long. He clearly did not fall asleep because he seemed to remain conscious but still fell out of time.

Julian opened his eyes and it took him a couple of seconds to focus on the witcher.

“It's hard for me to concentrate, I'm sorry,” Jaskier said knowing well that he had nothing to apologize for but he did anyway.

“It will only get worse.”

“You’re not helping,” the bard replied and then looked down and laughed for some reason. “I always liked the phrase that love kills. Moreover, it's true,” Julian grinned and got to his feet. “Who would have thought that fate would take it so literally?” Jaskier wanted to take a step but a sudden sharp pain pierced his head through he stumbled.

“Shh, Jaskier, I’ve got you,” Geralt picked the bard up, not allowing him to meet the ground. Julian clung to the man with both hands, feeling that the pain has softened. It was still throbbing in the back of his mind but it became easier to think. “I'm here,” the witcher said as gently as he could and carefully touched his cheek. Jaskier closed his eyes and enjoying the touch which made the pain go away.

“It gets easier when you touch me. Why?” he asked, leaning forward and burying his nose in the man's neck. It became easier to breathe.

“My love is killing you but eases the pain in the process,” Geralt answered and Julian felt that the man felt in pain only from a thought about it. “Fucking injustice.”

“Then help me,” asked Jaskier, wrapping his arms around the man's waist.

“I can’t cure you.”

“I’m not asking about it,” the bard replied, pulling back slightly and looking Geralt in the eyes. “Help me as only you can.”

The witcher smiled softly and then leaned forward, gently touching Jaskier’s forehead, nose, cheeks, chin with his lips, and then finally getting to such beautiful mouth. Julian held them open and immediately responded as soon as their lips touched. Jaskier didn't think about anything, just enjoying the sensations and letting the pain go away.

It seemed to him that an eternity has passed since he first felt it but, in reality, it was just one night. Even now, when Geralt was kissing him, Julian couldn’t think as clearly as he did before he became ill. There was no more fog in his head but time around seemed to slow down, distort, deform, making Jaskier an unreliable storyteller. He was no longer sure that everything that was happening to him was actually happening, or that he remembered everything that happened before right. His head was in a terrible mess

“Are you okay?” Geralt suddenly asked and the bard realized himself sitting on top of the witcher while the man lied on the blanket. Julian was not wearing a shirt again and he really didn’t remember how they ended up in this position.

Jaskier didn't answer, shook his head, and silently slide off the man. He asked for help, they started kissing and then there was emptiness, unintelligible noise, and echoes of old pain. The bard brought his hands to his temples and pressed lightly. He couldn't forget what just happened, could he?

“Jaskier?” Geralt took a sitting position and gently touched his shoulder. “Did I do something wrong?”

Julian turned and looked at the witcher, unconsciously combing the veins on his arm.

“I don’t remember,” he said, and there was more pain in this phrase than should fit in it.

“What?” the man asked because this was definitely not the answer he was expecting. Not even close.

“I don't ... I don't remember what just happened.”

The poison was playing with his brain. Geralt didn't say it would be like that but Jaskier was smart enough to guess on his own. The curse was not only killing him but also making the remaining days unbearable... and it would be only getting worse. The bard felt a tear roll down his cheek and he knew that the witcher saw it so he turned away. He had the right to cry, that’s true, but he didn’t want the man to see it.

Geralt leaned forward, hugged Julian, and kissed his temple, whispering incoherent apologies. He was the one to blame for this. Jaskier didn’t know that this can happen and he didn’t have to control his feelings. But the witcher was obliged: this was his curse and his burden. He shouldn't have fallen in love, shouldn't have let this feeling take root in him. He could have just walked away when he realized that it would be impossible to contain his feelings. But he stayed with Julian. Stayed from a selfish desire to love Jaskier, albeit at a distance, and now the bard was dying and Geralt could do nothing to help him.

“Please don’t apologize,” the bard asked, and the witcher stopped. “I'm glad that my feelings are mutual. Let me love you.”

“This is killing you.”

“I know,” the bard said and looked back at the swollen veins on his wrist. “But it's better to burn out than to fade away.”

Geralt chuckled. Jaskier was still such a Jaskier.

“Can I kiss you?”

“Of course,” Julian smiled. “I want to continue where we stopped.”

“If you suddenly feel bad, just tell me and I'll stop, okay?”

“I'll be fine,” the bard said, climbing back onto the man’s lap. “When you are with me, I don't feel pain.”

To be continued

💜💜💜

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xfandomwritingsx · 4 years

Text

Hold Your Breath - Chapter One: A Blank Page - Draco Malfoy

-gif source unknown-

Description: After decisions put you on opposite side of the war, returning to Hogwarts to finish your education proves to be challenging. Maybe closure isn’t the only thing you need from Draco.

Warnings/Labels: Angst. Hints of depression. Unhappy reunions.

Approx. Word Count: 3,000

A/N: I’m trying to keep the reader’s house open for interpretation, but I think it’s pretty plain to see that in my head, she’s a Ravenclaw. I’m also not a fan of this chapter. This is the chapter in which I converted what I had written of the oneshot into a longer piece so there are bits that to me still have a different feel than the rest. Makes it a little choppy when I read it, but hopefully it’s not bad for you!

Story Masterpost

September 1998

The world looks the same as it always has outside of the train window, but it all feels different. Colors still feel muted and even though there’s less chaos raging behind the trees, they still give you an ominous feeling deep in your gut. There are familiar faces on the train, but not enough to make you feel at home. Eyes either avoid yours or stare uncomfortably long. You feel out of place. You’re not supposed to be here.

But, yet, here you are. Your classmates have affectionately dubbed it “The 8th Year” at Hogwarts and even that makes you feel ill-fitting since you didn’t actually attend any of your 7th year so how could it possibly be considered your 8th? You had spent all of last year in hiding, most of which at The Burrow working to gain trust and prove your worth. You’d spent the end of it fighting on the winning side and risking your life for people you once hated.

You don’t belong.

And right now, if you could, you might just get off the train and call it quits on the whole 8th year idea. But you’re already committed now and you refuse to be labeled a quitter. It’s time to move on and build a life for yourself and you know that starts with finishing your education as best you can. So you swallowed the nausea and stayed.

You are one of the last ones off the train partly because you don’t like being in the crowd and partly because you hope it might lessen the stares. Armed with a bag filled almost entirely of long sleeved shirts, you take a deep breath and step onto the platform.

The air is warm, though the threat of colder weather ahead lingers in the air. You yearn for it, having taken a liking to the cold in the last year or so. Trees still hold their color so you suspect you have to wait just a little while for it yet. At least it gives you something to look forward to.

You begin your walk down the platform, feet padding gently along the wood. One step at a time, you tell yourself. One foot in front of the other until they suddenly stop when the sight of Draco exiting the train a few doors down causes your lungs to seize. You’d heard he would be attending so it shouldn’t have stunned you to see him, but it did. You had chosen to ignore the fact that you’d likely run into him, instead choosing to blindly hope you could somehow avoid him all year.

The thinning crowd of people allows you to see him fairly clearly. He’s looks good, well and healthy even. The little boy who broke your heart had grown into a man somehow. Perhaps in the four short months since the end of the war, he had healed. Maybe he was atoning for his wrongs. A softness in your heart grows as you watch him, letting yourself briefly daydream about a happy reunion filled with apologies and hope for the future.

His eyes scan the platform and when they fall on you, your heart speeds up anxiously. His look is not warm or friendly and when you recognize the façade painted on his face, your girlish fantasies are wiped away. He’s nothing more than the same boy he’s always been, playing pretend in a black dress jacket and trousers with a coward’s fear hidden behind his steely eyes.

He doesn’t even acknowledge you, just keeps scanning the platform before adjusting his jacket and continuing on his way. Pushing back the anger you feel starting to bubble, you tighten your grip on your bag and make your way to the carriages by yourself.

~~~

Your memories of him have always come in waves and the last two weeks have been no different as you settled into your new, old routine at school. You can go hours, even days without thinking about him and then out of nowhere, a memory will hit you so strongly that you feel like you’ve entered a pensieve.

Even now, looking at him across the great hall, you can still remember his touch. You can still practically feel his breath on your skin, your nails in his back. It was pain and comfort all in one. You remember how he’d laid his head in your lap afterwards. You still can’t be sure if the wetness left on your thighs was sweat or if he’d cried while he laid with you.

You cringe at how you had so naively thought that was the end of it. You were his salvation and he’d wake up the next morning and run away with you to the other side, to the right side of the war. But those had been foolish, little girl dreams. And you promised yourself after seeing him exit the train that you wouldn’t get involved with Draco Malfoy again.

So why can’t you stop staring at him?

Maybe because he hasn’t so much as acknowledged your existence yet and that, more than anything, pisses you off even if it shouldn’t. Despite your vow to yourself, you crave him talking to you, looking at you, noticing you’re alive for Merlin’s sake! Instead, you feel like you’ve been completely invisible to him. While this clearly made it easier to not get involved, it bothers you. He’s taking away your choice to be rid of him which is just rude.

Fingers snap in front of your face.

“Do you just want to hex him and be done with it?” Ginny asks next to you, a ghost of a smile on her lips. One positive of this year; the voluntary segregation of sitting with your house had been all but completely abandoned, allowing you to sit with the very few friends you have. “You could probably do it with minimal punishment.”

“I don’t want to hex him,” you argue softly, forcing your eyes back down to the plate in front of you. Ginny raises an eyebrow at you.

“Are you sure about that?”

“Yes!” You let out a huff and poke the food with your fork. “No. Maybe a little bit,” you admit. She nudges your shoulder with her own and sighs sympathetically. Ginny was never someone you thought you’d end up close with, but after staying with her family during the war, she’d become practically like your sister. She’s a better friend than you’d ever had before. Probably better than you deserve too.

“Have you spoken to him?” She keeps her voice quiet amongst the chatter in the hall. You look at her, full of irrational guilt, and shake your head in the smallest fashion you can. “Maybe you should.” You look back to him and remember the way he felt on top of you, whispering your name and the way your legs wrapped around his waist. But then, just as suddenly, you’re hit with the memory of him walking away from you in the middle of the night with a hollowness in your chest.

“I think that’s the last thing I need to do.” You force yourself to stop looking at him throughout the rest of your meal and attempt to join into jovial conversation at the table.

Fate, however, seemed to have heard your words and thusly thrust her middle finger out to you, because Draco is suddenly everywhere. It was inevitable that you run into each other, after all, you had classes together, but he still seems to be within your eyesight an excessive amount; sitting right in front of you during lessons, resting under your favorite tree, always managing to be where you can see his face during meals. Your only reprieve is your common room which you’ve taken to staying in during most of your free time.

Going strictly to and from classes and meals has become tiresome though. You’re starting to feel like you’re back in hiding and can feel a darkness creeping in. You don’t have an abundance of friends at Hogwarts. Or anywhere really. The loneliness threatens to eat away at you sometimes, but you keep it at bay by keeping your nose in your books; a coping skill you’ve become entirely too proficient at executing.

But today you venture out, book in hand, hoping to find a quiet place with a little background noise to read. A change of scenery and a breath of air may help the frayed nerves you haven’t been able to shake these last weeks. Your feet carry you to the library almost without any thought. It had been among one of the first areas rebuilt and reconstructed after the war and though they built it much the same as it had been, it had a distinctively new feel to it.

It’s a bit of a bustle with people, mostly first and second years who think studying is still the most important thing they can do. Idiots, you think. You walk around for a little bit, admiring the fresh wooden tables and shelves, before gravitating towards a back corner. There used to be a couple of chairs in a back row of books by the muggle section that no one ever frequented. With any luck, it might still exist.

Fate smiles down on you, but it’s a wicked smile because yes, your little nook is still there, but so is Draco. He sits in the armchair in plain clothes, an elbow on the armrest, and his face propped up on his fist as he stares down at the book in his lap. His platinum hair falls into his eyes, yet he doesn’t seem to be bothered by it. He looks so ordinary, like he could be any man in the world and it irks you in a way you can’t put into words. He’s not ordinary. He’s not any man. He’s Draco Malfoy.

You stare long enough for him to sense it and look up from his book. And for what feels like for the first time all year, he looks at you. He freezes for just a moment, as though he’s shocked or perhaps scared at the sight of you. Then in a blink it’s gone, replaced by a softer tone in his eyes.

“Sorry,” he apologizes, his voice a rush of warm nostalgia. He closes his book. “I can leave.” Even though you’re negatively shaking your head, he gathers the bag at his feet and stands.

“It’s alright,” you try to tell him. “I’ll just go somewhere else.” He’s already standing up in front of you, ready to slink past. There’s an urge to reach out and grab his arm. You repress it.

“No, it’s fine. You like this spot.” He says it so quickly and his eyes flitter to anything but your face as he passes. Before you can try to say anything else, he’s disappeared beyond more shelves of books, completely out of view.

You’re left standing there looking after him feeling entirely unsatisfied and empty with the interaction. You can’t put your finger on or voice what you wanted to happen, but that certainly wasn’t it.

Sighing, you concede to do what you had come for. Even that proves to be too difficult because when you settle into the chair, it’s still soft with his imprint and warm with his body heat. It gives you the barest sensation of having him wrapped around you. It reminisces more than it should of that too-long-hug you shared before he’d kissed you for the first time. The memories washing over you make it too difficult to focus on the words in your book. You snap it shut and leave. The common room is clearly the better place to stay.

~~~

All of your interactions after that are all short and insignificant. He’s always there, but never looks your way. If he does have to speak to you, it’s always in a minimal way. It never fails to leave you frustrated and angry. Even your books aren’t easing your tension like they used to.

It's been nearly a full month now and throwing yourself into your studies hasn’t helped you any either. You’ve practically finished the coursework for half of your classes. Your homework is done well before you wish to go to sleep for the evening. You haven’t set foot outside the castle walls. You have so few friends, no family, and no one who can relate to your troubles. And the one person you’d counted on your whole life, your best friend and the boy you would have done almost anything for, barely even looks at you.

The suffocation of it all comes in the darkness of night. It crushes down on your chest and burns on your arm. Your fucking arm. You’ve scrubbed it. You’ve concealed it. You even went so far as to try to cut the skin off. Nothing works. That skull and snake are with you forever. And everyone knows it.

Some nights you can’t take it. You can’t merely lay in your bed and pretend sleep will come peacefully. So you leave your room. You wander the castle, trying to find those places that bring warmth to your heart and avoid those were people died.

Tonight, you go to the courtyard just to look at the stars. There’s something soulful about the sky. It’s where muggles look to when they pray to a higher power. It holds a universe more expansive than you could ever imagine. It could swallow you whole if you let it or maybe, just maybe one day it will show you how to be happy.

You forcibly don’t recognize that laying in grass and looking up at the sky had been something you and Draco used to do together. It works well enough to let you enjoy the activity again by yourself, but it blinds you to the idea that Draco might be doing the same thing.

You shouldn’t have been so surprised when you reach the courtyard and he’s there, leaning back on the fountain and staring upwards, but you are. When your shoe crunches on the gravel, his head snaps to you and with his own surprise, stands up.

Another short apology. Another move for a quick exit in the opposite direction of you. Your fists clench at your sides, unable to bottle in your anger any longer.

“Oh would you shove off with that?” you snap before he can slip back into the shadows. He turns and raises an eyebrow at you. “I was ready,” you tell him angrily. “I was ready to come back this year and hate you. I was ready to avoid you and shoot you pissed off glares from across the room. Then I get here and you avoid me!” His face puzzles for a moment.

“So you want me to try to talk to you so that you can tell me off?” A little bit of his old self, of the Draco you once knew and loved, comes through in an irritated eye roll. “Sorry to disappoint.” You let out a huff of air and cross your arms.

“Why are you avoiding me?” The puzzled look on his face returns.

“The way you’re reacting right now doesn’t answer that question for you?” He tilts his head and hums mockingly. “Not as smart as I thought you were.”

“Smarter than you are, clearly.” He grinds his jaw at your condescension and then he’s walking up to you, getting closer than he’s been all year and your bravery falters for a moment as your feet step you back and your arms uncross to hang useless by your sides.

“That’s why I haven’t approached you. I don’t need another lecture. I’ve been to trial. I’m on probation. I’ve had everything I’ve ever done wrong put out in front of me in excruciating detail. I don’t need you to give me another run through.” His eyes and his tone are cold, hard. You recognize it all too well and while he’s gotten better at hiding it, you can still see the pain underneath. It tries to soften you, but ultimately fails.

“They shouldn’t have let you come back,” you spit at him, instantly regretting the words when he pulls away. You don’t mean it. Of course you don’t mean it, but you say it with enough venom and hate that he believes it.

“We all made mistakes,” he hisses at you before glancing down to your arm. The heat of his stare practically stings and you have to resist that instinctive pull to hide it away. “I hear you’re the shining example everyone uses to demonstrate that not all bad guys hail from Slytherin, even despite the fact that you changed sides in the end.” The only reason you don’t crack your palm over his cheek is because you give in to the need to hold onto your left forearm tightly, your palm now busy cradling the skull of the Dark Mark underneath your shirt sleeve. “How’s that feel?”

“You’re horrid,” you tell him weakly. He tilts his head again.

“That is what everyone says.” He gives a shrug that tries too hard to be casual and finally steps out of your personal space. With a small shake of his head, he turns to leave again, but you refuse to let him get the last word.

“At least I tried to atone!” you call after him. He pauses, but doesn’t look back. “I did the right thing when it mattered!”

“And where did that get you?” he asks bitterly. “Where did it get your family?” You suck in a harsh breath and try desperately to hold back the tears that are abruptly burning behind your eyes. Dead, you think. It got them killed.

“They made their own choices.” It sounds rehearsed because it is. You told yourself those same words over and over again every night for months. Your parents weren’t good people. You knew that. They were still your parents though and when you heard He’d killed them, it hurt more than you want to admit. And Draco knew that. Draco knows your weaknesses and your soft spots and just how to twist a knife into you. Perhaps that’s why you hated him so much.

“You don’t bother me and I won’t bother you.” He still hasn’t even so much as looked over his shoulder back at you.

“Fine,” you answer curtly, your hand still wringing around your forearm. When he leaves, you allow yourself to crumple onto the ground and cry. You feel so much hollower than the last time he’d left you in tears. Back then, the air had practically crackled with tension and death and war. Now the air is silent, calm and that makes it all the more unsettling. All the more finite.

~~~

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TAG LIST

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HYB TAG LIST @lexi-ravenclawdracomalfoy / @yucksiedoodles / @desertdwellerwitch

#draco malfoy imagine #draco malfoy #draco malfoy x reader

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