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#It shouldn’t be normal to prefer being in a toxic relationship than what I’m in rn

felteverywhere · 1 year

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here’s a plot wishlist of things i’m thinking about lately but would prefer to plot than write opens for. i’d also prefer to plot on discord but it’s not entirely necessary since obviously i’ll be writing on this account. some of them are kind of variations of the same thing but i think it makes it clear what kind of stuff i really love lmao. if you like this i’ll im you, but even if you like a lot of them it would be amazing if you could whittle it down to 2-3 tops. reblogging and messaging people when i’m online in the morning!

hot & heavy by lucy dacus inspired — the angst of your first love, homoerotic teenage best friend angst coming back to haunt you, bitterness and nostalgia mingling in the worst way, you hate her and you still love her after all this time. optional: period piece (70s, 80s, 90s, early 00s), a dead friend dragging them back to town, one of them is still closeted.

fear street inspired — small towns where dark, horrible things have happened and keep happening but not everyone can afford to clear out, young people taking on a legacy of evil in the name of love, the truth of the past being unearthed, the loss along the way. optional: period piece (90s), we can run with something similar to fear street in terms of why the killers exist or come up with our own thing.

college sleuths — a body found in a classroom or maybe an old unsolved mystery, a small campus cradled by woods and hidden from the world, a desperate need to uncover what everyone else wants to cover up, a righteousness or maybe an obligation to the dead, an eventual game of cat and mouse as they creep closer to the truth. optional: literally everything i listed can be tweaked, i just love the idea of a pair of people (even reluctantly) solving a murder.

scooby doo inspired, college cryptid/supernatural hunters — they’re the only ones who believe and maybe that’s okay, could be a mumu/could utilise npc characters if we’d like a group. optional: more of a buffy style scooby gang who are solving problems/include creatures in it.

dark academia, the secret history inspired —

zombie apocalypse romance... with a twist on top of that — what’s more romantic than finding your soulmate at the end of the world? well, i guess if she’s also an unhinged person who will murder humans too, if they cross her. finding out she killed her last s/o somehow doesn’t phase you. basically: muse a has met someone after so long alone but muse b is a little crazy and they get into shenanigans.

thoroughbreds inspired — unsettling girls forming a strange bond in rekindling a childhood friendship, uncomfortable step fathers, murder as a tool to solve problems rather than a ghastly act, taking blame as a romantic gesture. gifset for fun inspo.

a return to the hurt/comfort fanfic tag. i’d like to explore deeper things while also dealing with the relationship between two characters. optionally but not limited to: grief, abuse (tentatively and with discussion about parameters), child custody issues, divorce, etc.

this post but like no really, let’s write it.

people who believe they are impossible to love pushing away the one who is demanding that they let them in!!!! not strong enough by boygenius vibes also

an affair happening in a position of power, in a place it absolutely shouldn’t, where everything could turn to crap if they gave in but... they really can’t help themselves. people who are slaves to their own feelings no matter how toxic they are with one another. bad people being so passionately and deeply in love that it destroys everything. oh also this.

still would kick things over for a normal people plot. i’ll never be over it!! never!! gifset for visual. shame and regret almost overpowering love but not quite, hurting each other, miscommunication, all the things. “i'm not a religious person but i do sometimes think god made you for me.” it should be illegal for someone to say that but jeez i am obsessed with it.

someone truly deranged and evil and bloodthirsty and the only one who can stop them, but also the only one who can understand them. the only one who knows them. the only one who loves them? ah?

figure skating partners for carling i beg on my knees. fc optional i honestly might change her regardless.

more song inspo without long winded thoughts: reckless driving by lizzy mcalpine, taken by muna, holding back/crowded places/waiting game by banks, forever winter/tis the damn season/cowboy like me by taylor swift but also really any taylor swift song.

#indie rp #indie bi rp #indie smut rp #indie lesbian rp #indie horror rp #should i be posting this with the state of my drafts? idc!!!! i do what i want

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lifewouldbebetteronmars · 2 years

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Title from Gorgeous by Taylor Swift

And I got a boyfriend, he's older than us

He's in the club doing, I don't know what

TW Swearing

TW Implied Affairs

TW Toxic Relationship

TW Implied Grooming

Tagging @have-a-holly-jolly-angstmas @life-through-the-eyes-of @wagnerthedragon @writeordie-4 @littlx-songbxrd

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And I Got A Boyfriend; He’s Older Than Us

Alastair shouldn’t have come here tonight and he knew it. But he needed time away.

Away from Charles and their relationship. Away from everything.

Charles and him had had a fight, mainly about their relationship status. Charles wouldn’t consider him his boyfriend because he preferred “no labels”.

No labels was just another way of saying he wanted no strings attached or friends with benefits.

So Alastair, being petty in his anger at Charles, called up his best friends to meet him at the local gay club; the Hell Ruelle.

And if he dressed just a little bit more revealing then he normally did, nobody would question it.

Tight leather trousers, a silk shirt that he left unbuttoned to his navel at Kamala’s suggestion, eyeliner to bring out his eyes. His hair undone and left in loose ringlets around his face.

He looked good and he knew it.

Tonight was about him.

And he was spending it moping at the bar of the club, with a glass of wine that he won’t drink.

It’s pathetic, really.

Sitting at a bar by yourself, in really uncomfortable clothes, while your friends drink and dance and enjoy themselves.

He was broken out of his thoughts by a voice and a hand on his shoulder. “You’re Alastair Carstairs, right?”

The voice belonged to an extremely tall and muscular man, who was probably the most beautiful man Alastair had ever seen. He seemed familiar, particularly in the eyes, but Alastair couldn’t place his face.

“Right.”

“I don’t know if you remember me, but I’m Thomas Lightwood. We went to junior high together, I was a year below you.”

Oh that’s where he knows him from. Wow.

That’s Thomas Lightwood. Thomas Lightwood that he called pipsqueak.

Well, he certainly isn’t a pipsqueak now, that’s for sure.

“I’m sorry I didn’t recognize you earlier. It’s been awhile.” he said, trying very hard not to look Thomas up and down. Something very hard to do with the simple jeans and t-shirt Thomas was wearing.

Thomas flushed a little bit, rubbing a hand on the back of his neck. “I’ve changed a lot since then, I don’t blame you.”

That you have. Alastair thought to himself. That you have, Thomas.

“So what are you doing now? Are you in university, or working?”

“I’m in the second year of my linguistics major, and I just started a minor in Spanish.”

“Wow. That’s impressive.”

So he’s smart, attractive, and good with languages. Alastair sighs internally.

The tall man’s face flushed even brighter, the redness crawling down his neck. “Not really. Most people think it’s useless.”

Alastair snorted. “Language isn’t useless. It’s the base of all communication. Whoever told you that is useless.”

“Oh shush. What about you? What have you been up to?”

“I’m currently double-majoring in pre-law and business.”

“That sounds fun.” Thomas’s voice was dripping in sarcasm.

Alastair matched his tone. “Very.”

He hadn’t wanted to do either of those majors, instead he’d wanted to take a gap year to figure it out. But Charles had insisted that he go to college, that he double-major in two very demanding subjects.

It shows your dedication, Alastair. Don’t you want people to be impressed with your dedication? He had said to him and Alastair believed him then.

“Are you planning on law school or business school after you graduate?”

Alastair shrugged his shoulders. “Possibly. I might just do a gap year instead. Visit some places I lived when I was younger. Tehran, Paris, the whole nine yards.”

“I did something like that before I started college. A gap year in Madrid, just like my father did. It was the best year of my life.”

Alastair felt a pang of jealousy in his chest. Oh how he wished he could have done something like that.

“That sounds amazing.”

“It was.”

They spent the next two hours just talking. About what they hope to do with their degrees, what classes they hate the most, anything really, until they get to the topic of Alastair’s internship.

“I heard you were doing an internship with Matthew Fairchild’s brother, Charles, the politician.” Thomas asked. It was an innocent enough question, he didn’t know about Alastair’s history with Charles.

Alastair didn’t think his work with Charles really qualifies as an internship. He was practically just Charles’s unpaid secretary.

Charles’s unpaid secretary that he fucked.

No strings attached, remember? But there truly were so many strings attached.

“Oh. I’m sorry. Do you not like working for Charles?”

Thomas’s hazel eyes had widened considerably, giving him an owlish look. It was quite adorable actually.

“What do you mean?”

“It’s just that you made a face when I asked that. I assume that you don’t like working with him.”

That was true, Alastair preferred to not work with Charles.

He would also prefer to be Charles’s boyfriend. Not his fuck-buddy.

“My relationship with Charles is…complicated, to say the least.”

“You mean at work?”

“Yes, you could say that. You could probably say outside of work too.” he deadpanned, playing with his untouched glass of wine.

Alastair didn’t know why he was saying this. Especially to Thomas, who he hasn’t seen in almost ten years.

Wow, talk about diarrhea of the mouth.

“So you and Charles are…involved?” Thomas sounded confused, it would be adorable, if they weren’t talking about Charles.

“You could say that.”

Alastair was very tempted to drink the glass of wine now.

“I don’t like to talk about it much.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

Alastair did, in fact, drink his wine when he saw a familiar head of red hair walk through the club doors.

Charles Fairchild.

He must really be mad at Alastair for him to come here and risk outing himself and ruining his reputation. His words, not Alastair’s.

Alastair caught his eye and did two things that he would definitely come to regret in the morning.

One, he downed his entire glass of wine in a matter of two seconds.

And two, he kissed Thomas Lightwood.

He made sure Charles saw him make out with Thomas Lightwood.

Make him know what it feels like when someone who apparently “loves” you kisses somebody right in front of you.

Make him feel the pain Alastair feels whenever he sees him with his current fiancée during parties or political rallies.

Thomas’s lips had, at one point, moved down to his neck. Alastair maintained eye contact with Charles the whole time.

“What about Charles?” Thomas asked, pulling his lips away from Alastair’s neck.

“He’s not my boyfriend.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

🎶On the fourth day of Angstmas, Riley gives to you🎶

🎶Four song lyrics🎶

🎶Three angsty fics🎶

🎶Two broken hearts🎶

🎶And one Charles dying🎶

I’m making a new song after tomorrow, it’s hard to come up with lyrics that go together

#25 days of angstmas #the last hours #alastair carstairs #thomas lightwood #thomastair #anti charlestair #anti charles fairchild #tw swearing #tw implied affairs #tw grooming #tw toxic relationship

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thesiriusmoon · 3 years

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Harry Potter ships I truly hate

Disclaimer: I’m not telling you who to ship and whatnot, I’m just expressing how awful these ships are to me and then explaining why.

1. Harry X Draco

Now this is coming from a former drarry stan who before, hadn’t read the books. I thought Draco ‘had no choice’ and ‘just wanted love’ until I opened my eyes and saw the character for who he really was. That is a spoiled blood supremacist who hates muggleborns, and is loved by both of his parents. Draco bullied Harry. Although Harry fought back, it was because he was the victim and had to defend himself. Harry never went out of his way to hurt Draco, but Draco did it constantly. Draco and Harry would never work because Harry hated Draco just as much as Draco did him. You could ship Harry with so many others that wouldn’t be toxic such as, Ginny, Cho, maybe Hermoine (but I prefer Romoine), maybe even Ron if you want to. (I don’t ship Harry and Cedric because the ages are too weird). It’s so obvious throughout the entire book that Harry didn’t have romantic feelings for Draco, he only ever thought he was doing bad things, seeing as he was a bad person. Harry found love in Ginny in like the fifth book? Which is when the crush started, and no one else was in the picture for him once he began dating Ginny. In conclusion, Ginny is the one he married and had children with, not Draco, because he hated him and wanted nothing to do with him as he was nothing but a bully who hated muggles and muggleborns. Seeing as Harry is a half blood, and his mother was muggleborn, why do you think Harry would turn around and be like “oh he’s just broken I’ll fix him.” And ignore everything Draco ever said about his family???? That’s such a toxic thing to think... because believe it or not, in a relationship you’re supposed to be with someone you like as a person. Just because you may find Draco attractive, that doesn’t make him a good person!! Harry would never choose Draco over anyone for that matter. If it were between Ginny or Draco to be saved, you better bet on Harry saving Ginny.

2. Hermoine X Draco

I genuinely hate this ship with my entire being. It disgusts me. This isn’t an enemies to lovers, this is literally bully X victim. Hermoine didn’t fight back, meaning Draco was the full oppressor and she was the oppressed. Draco is a blood supremacist who called Hermoine a mudblood constantly and hated her, and the feeling was mutual from Hermoine because why would anyone like their bully? Falling in love with your bully is a book trope, that doesn’t happen in real life. When Hermoine was being tortured in Malfoy Manor, Draco stood and watched because he didn’t care, meanwhile Ron, the boy Hermoine was attracted to and loved, was screaming and crying begging for him to take her place so she would be protected. That’s true love, something Hermoine and Draco will never have. I really will never understand why so many people love shipping victims with their oppressors... like do you get a sick kick out of it by babying the oppressor? Saying things like “oh he’s just unloved” or “he can change!” When none of that is true. Draco chose to be who he is, which is a blood supremacist and was loved by his family, and Hermoine chose not to ever engage with him because of his personality and attitude. Draco hated her, and everyone else like her because of their status, and overall, Hermoine just isn’t attracted to him. Hermoine is attracted to Ron and he’s the only person I can see dating Hermoine because everyone else would be a bit strange. Dramoine is unbelievably toxic, and all it does is romanticise abuse. “Oh Draco only bullied her for 7 years because he was afraid to love her.” Stfu. You’d never hurt someone you love. Draco bullied her because he thought he was ABOVE her, and she was nothing but dirt on his shoe.

3. Hermoine X Pansy

When it comes to fanon, I still don’t understand why it gets shipped because in order to do that, you have to change Pany’s entire personality to the point where it’s not even Pansy anymore. It’s just some nice girl with the same name. Because the real Pansy bullied Hermoine and made it known how much she didn’t like her. Not only that, but Pansy was head over heels for Draco. This isn’t an enemies to lovers, this is shipping the bully with the victim for some weird reason... because Hermoine didn’t fight back just like Hermoine X Draco. If they were both at each other’s throats I could see your enemies to lovers, but that’s just not what this is. If you ship them because you’re looking for a wlw ship, why not take a look at Ginny X Luna, Lavender X Parvati, or even Tonks X Fleur, rather than picking the toxic ship that would never ever work and would only hurt Hermoine. Ron Weasley exists for a reason. Again, shipping someone with their oppressor is a very weird thing to do. For example, Ron is a pureblood, but Ron wasn’t prejudice towards muggles or muggleborns, because he’s a decent and normal person. Pansy and Draco aren’t decent people, and they bullied people. Really there isn’t much else to say as all canon stuff about Pansy is about her bullying people, and encouraging people to capture Harry because SHE’S A BLOOD SUPREMACIST THAT’S ALL SHE IS. Hermoine is a strong and independent woman and would NEVER date someone prejudice like that, she has standards.

4. Lily X Snape

We have to stop with this “she can fix him” mentality, because women don’t exist to fix men. Either Snape was a good person, or a bad person. He should be able to choose that himself. Which he was actually, and he was very clearly a bad person. You can’t force someone to be attracted to another. Attraction forms on its own, and it’s something Lily never had for Snape, they were only friends. To say that Lily owed Snape something because he liked her... is so wrong and disgusting. If she doesn’t like him, she doesn’t like him and Snape should fucking move on instead of obsessing over her. But, Snape overall was a creep so you can’t say “oh he made a mistake” when that man knew EXACTLY what he was doing. Ripping Lily’s happy photograph of her with her husband and baby, and taking the letter she wrote for Sirius who Snape could pretend she did that for him. Literally disgusting. Even the friendship was toxic. When reading I realised that Snape played the victims card a lot when talking about the marauders as if he wasn’t doing WORSE thing to them. Lily knew that Snape wanted to join Voldemort, as seen in the books. ‘You and your previous little death eater friends — you see, you don’t even deny it. You don’t even deny that’s what you’re aiming to be! You can’t wait to join you-know-who, can you?” Then she says “I can’t pretend anymore, you’ve chosen your way, and I’ve chosen mine.” Lily PRETENDED that Snape wasn’t going to be a death eater because she didn’t want to believe that her own friend would hate her kind so much. Though once reality hit her she was gone and was never coming back. To ship someone who was oppressed with the oppressor is so weird and wrong, and I genuinely think you’re strange if you do that 😐. Snape already didn’t like Lily having other friends... so what does that tell you about what kind of relationship they would have? A manipulative one and an emotionally abusive one. James Potter was a pureblood, and not once did he ever bully someone for their blood status. He did things to Snape because Snape was a prejudice piece of shit and deserved it quite frankly. I would have done the exact same thing. Remember, the Potter’s were ‘blood traitors’ and Snape was a blood supremacist, of course the two aren’t going to like one another. But the difference is, Snape bullied innocent people (laughing at the fact Mary MacDonald was subdued to dark magic) and James fought back for those without voices. Getting revenge for people who couldn’t do it themselves. That’s the difference between a bully and a hero tbh. There’s no way Lily would ever date a death eater, she’s a strong woman who can make up her mind for herself rather than having people on the internet say things like “she was brainwashed!” And things like that. She became attracted and fell in love with a respectful man who would never cause her any type of emotional or physical harm.

In conclusion, I will judge you if you think shipping abusers/oppressors with their victims is ok in any way.

If you made it this far, feel free to comment or reblog with your own opinion. Just know that my opinion on these ships will never change because they’re all extremely toxic whether you like it or not. That’s just common sense. It’s canon that Draco, Pansy, and Snape were horrible people who liked to make fun of others. Fanon doesn’t mean a single thing in this because fanon isn’t real. If you have to change the entire personality of someone so they aren’t abusive... what does that tell you about their character? A lot of people do this because they like how a character looks, which is so tone deaf. If you think a victim should date their oppressor because of looks... I’m judging you heavily. If a character is wrote to be abusive, I don’t understand people do fan art of them with the people they hurt in a romantic way.

You might say I’m being over dramatic, but really it’s not that hard to understand that you shouldn’t romanticise abuse or say that oppressor X victim would make the perfect couple just because of their looks.

Would you ever ship Neville with Draco? No you wouldn’t. And it’s not for the reasons you would think. I bet if Neville was conveniently attractive (in the books, I love Matthew.) people would have shipped him with Draco despite Draco mercilessly bullying Neville for 7 years. A lot of people would have made excuses like “Draco was broken!” In order to be able to ship two attractive men together. (Which also plays into fetishisation of lgbt+ couples I think...) This fandom is rather toxic when it comes to this, and they’d rather ship a very abusive relationship with two conventionally attractive people rather than a loving one with two people that aren’t.

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angelyuji · 3 years

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I also love Yan!Spiderman, there will never be enough content for him ! Can I request a headcannon ? Or a blurb, whatever you prefer ? I love the amnesia trope, like the reader having long-term amnesia after an accident or whatever and yan!Spiderman swooping in, saying they have been dating for months... You may get suspicious of how flustered he gets but he knows so much about you, he can't be lying, right ? 😚

17+

cw// stalking, non-consensual picture taking, kind of kidnapping, familial neglect, car accident caused by superheroes, non-consensual kissing, non-consensual touching, forced hugs, lying, manipulation, “gatekeep, gaslight, girlboss” energy, implied murder, peter being a crybaby to guilt trip you, idk peter being gross and pervy and being a liar, toxic relationship (kind of because you’re kinda not aware of the fact that he sucks and he’s lying)

· OMGBESTIE sorry i just absolutely ADORE the amnesia trope in yandere fics GHJKJHGF

· it’s just so perfect *chef’s kiss*

· anyway

· you got into accident that totally not caused by peter…yeah, it was totally definitely the criminal’s fault …

· but i mean, why were you driving in the middle of a villain attack anyway? oh, you had to go to work?...so??? peter didn’t give you the ok?????

· right, so he’s tossing cars and trying to bring justice (or something like that) and he saw you coming, but alas, he's too late

· you see something hurtling towards your car as you stop at a red light. you squint your eyes, “oh. ha, that’s a car…wait”

· peter was only a couple feet away when he sees the truck he threw slam against the hood of your car, crumpling the hood like it’s made of aluminum foil. time moves in slow motion as peter tries to reach you. out of reflex, peter shoots his webs to move you from impact. he can feel himself move, but his mind shuts down. when he regains consciousness, you’re in his arms, passed out, but seemingly unscathed. he feels relief, then fury. peter barely noticed when the paramedics came to move you out of his arms. he turns to the villain, his whole body shaking, and launches himself at the man.

· you end up in the hospital for a brain injury that left you in a coma and peter literally never left your side. he came every day and stayed by your side until visiting hours were over, and came into your room at night as spiderman after patrol.

· the hospital staff saw him so much that they assumed you were both in a relationship, so when you woke up at night during his patrol hours, they called him first.

· they called your parents after…weird, i know

· “how do you feel?”

· “fine, i guess. tired, surprisingly” you chuckle dryly and the doctor smiles.

· “fine is good. what’s the last thing you remember?”

· “…um….i can’t… I don’t-”

· “hey, it’s okay. take your time.” the doctor tries to be reassuring, but you feel panic bubble. what’s going on, why can’t you remember what happened? what’s happening to you? your breathing turns rough and the air feels thicker as you seem to remember less and less of what you should know. all of a sudden, two arms wrap around you and pull you into them.

· “it’s gonna be okay” they mumble into your hair as you cry into their shirt.

· peter and the doctor eventually figured out that you were missing 4 years of your life. the 4 years that you’ve lived in queens, to be exact.

· peter realizes exactly what he has to do when the doctor pulls him and your family aside to explain the situation

· (they had asked him who tf he was and he, in a panic to not be kicked out, said y’all were dating)

· he offers your family a way out, a way to not take the stress of taking care of you, by letting him take care of you

· “i love them. i can’t lose them and i won’t lose them, so please, let me take care of them”

· honestly, your family was lowkey relieved that peter offered to take care of you, not even remembering that you have never mentioned this man in any conversation (who has amnesia now??)

· peter would go into your room and tell you that you’re going home with him

· “what? what about my family?”

· “they’re okay with it. they have a lot going on and, as your boyfriend-”

· “boyfriend? i’ve never seen you before in my life?”

· “no! no, we started dating when you moved to queens!" at your blank stare, he lowers his head slightly and you see tears fall, "i wish you would remember”

· peter will pull out his pictures of you saying stuff like “then how do i have these pictures?? hmm????” and fake crying to make it seem like he was your grieving boyfriend

· he’ll be constantly mentioning the fact that he’s your boyfriend to you and to others (at some point, ur confused on whether he’s trying to convince you or trying to convince himself) “as your boyfriend’ “your boyfriend” “i love being with you and going on dates haha yk since im your bf”

· he’ll make up different stories from places he’s seen you. if he stalked you while you were walking at the park, he’ll say you both went on walks often. if you went on picnics by yourself often, he’ll say you constantly had picnic dates. had a fun day at the arcade? more like, you had fun day at the arcade with peter!

· peter’s smart, he uses these events as a way of tricking your brain into thinking that each memory you recover of these moments are just moments that are missing him, and eventually, he’ll start appearing in memories

· peter would take you to his apartment and absolutely REFUSE to let you leave, he’ll have an excuse ready to make sure you can’t leave your new home

· “the doctor said you shouldn’t move too much”

· he’ll make you sleep in the same bed as him, go on dates with him, hug and kiss him like “you used to do” with the excuse of “the doctor said you should do things that you used to do before the accident to start remembering everything��

· …riiight

· “are you coming to bed?” you lay in his bed, waiting for peter.

· “i-i sorry, yes, I-” peter stumbles on his words as he stands by the bed.

· you sit up in annoyance, “peter, you said we slept together. what’s wrong?”

· peter turns bright red, “no! nothing’s wrong! it’s nothing, i-i’m coming to bed in a sec.” you lay back down and soon you feel him crawl into bed. you turn your back to him, but peter pulls you closer to him and start leaving kisses down your back.

· “what are you doing.” you whisper into the darkness. his small touches feel foreign on your skin and your body itches to move in disgust.

· “i’m helping you sleep. uh-before, i helped you fall sleep like this, maybe this’ll help you remember” peter pushes his head into the crook of your neck and holds you closer, his fingers grazing under your shirt and feeling your stomach.

· you try to move away without panicking, “maybe, we’re moving too fast? i kinda need some spa-” you feel peter freeze.

· “do-do you not love me anymore?” you feel peter’s tears before you hear his sniffles, “i didn’t want to push you, but i just missed you so much and i thought that you were starting to remember how much you love me.” his sniffles turn to sobs and you start feeling guilty. you push your discomfort away and let yourself get pulled into his warmth.

· “no, it's fine. just don’t, you know, cry please.” you press your lips into a thin line and sigh as peter stops sniffling and hums in content.

· he’ll guilt you into doing what he wants with tears and sobs about how he misses “the old you”

· funny, considering the fact that this mf basically made up his entire relationship with you because he’s literally psychotic

· your relationship would be seemingly normal too, except that all of the friends that talked about how they’ve never met peter before your accident went missing…huh, definitely no connection there…

· but by the time they inform you of their concern, it is already months after your accident and peter would have already made you believe that you were dating

· in peter’s mind, you’re everything and more than he imagined, even though you barely know him, he knows you so well that it’s easy for him to make you believe that you’re together.

· peter would tell he’s spiderman once you’ve stopped resisting him to make sure that you won’t search up your accident and see that spiderman was involved

· the only way for you to break from peter’s grip on your mind is for him to accidently confess that he’s lied to you

· and that’ll happen, peter may be good at lying, but during a fight, he might let it slip

· “I TOLD YOU NOT TO TALK TO THEM.”

· “they’re my friends, peter. you can’t stop me from seeing them.” you roll your eyes when peter’s face crumples. “ugh, peter, stop with the guilt-tripping. your fake tears don’t work on me anymore.”

· peter’s face turns cold, “your friends are liars and they’ve been trying to break us up since the accident. all they say when they see me are lies.”

· you keep a straight face, “well, i know it’s a lie, so you don’t have to act like this.”

· “but-but what if you start believing them? what if you realize that you can do better than me? what if you remember everything? what if they make you break up with me? wh-” peter turns to you and sees you frozen in place. he moves towards you and pulls you into a hug, but you stay stiff.

· “what do you mean “remember”?” you whisper and peter’s eyes go wide. silence fills the room as peter says still.

· “well, shit”

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becomingbts · 3 years

Text

Time heals (sometimes) - Teaser 1

Summary: 6 years ago, (Y/N) thought that she was finally taking her life into her hands, leaving behind a toxic and abusive relationship with a man who taught her she’d never be worthy of love. However, it became hard to ignore his words when she met her seven soulmates who rejected her without even giving her a chance to prove herself. It took (Y/N) 3 years to realize that it wouldn’t be her end. She would live on to prove them all wrong; she would become what they all thought she wasn’t: someone worthy of love. And as she stands proudly on the stage, under the burning spotlights and the applause and the cries of the delirious crowd, she feels alive. Alive, just like the bond she believed to be broken.

Pairings: Y/N x OT7

GENRE: Soulmate AU!, Idol Y/NAU!, semi social-media AU!, ANGST (mainly), fluff, romance, maybe smut in the series.

Ask or comment to be tagged!

Warnings: The series is going to be heavy with a lot of personal experiences mixed into the fiction, so this is going to be kind of therapeutic for me. Please, consider not reading the series if you are not comfortable with: abandonment issues, anxiety, panic attacks, depression, self-harm (not descriptive and only part of MC’s past), suicide thoughts (in the past), toxic behavior, toxic and abusive relationship (in the past), depreciating self-talk and low self-esteem, a lot of curse, physical and mental pain, near death experience situation (in the past), and maybe smut scenes (happy ending though, but it will probably be quite the ride).

NOTE: I was thinking of “Moonchild” and for some reasons, some memories I’d prefer to have forgotten came back to my mind and instead of making a full-blown panic attack like I used to, I thought that it would make a great plot if I mingled that with a soulmate and idol verse and that’s how I started going into it. This is going to be loaded with personal experiences, even if they’ll probably be a bit differently explained compared to what I experienced. Despite the heavy themes and many warnings, I hope you guys will like it. I think I really needed to write it. It will be a semisocial media AU!, because I like the idea of being to write some of their conversations through texts. However, I do plan on fully writing most of it. Though, you’ll have some updates about their social medias as I will update their profiles soon after you see this. I will probably mix a lot of different media for this story such as songs written and produced by myself. I’ll upload for real MC’s EP. So expect a lot for this story. Please take well care, feedback is always very warmly welcomed, it helps me to write for real. If you need to talk to someone, my dms are always opened and if you really don’t feel well, please call urgency numbers.

Thank you for reading,

-Dolly

"And we will close our night show with the most awaited segment! The audience jumped during the commercial break, it's amazing how many people just joined us! Welcome to our interview segment and especially, welcome and thank you so much for being with us Moon!”

"Of course, thank you for having me on your radio show."

"Thank you for coming! I have to mention that this is your very first interview with another media than your usual personal platforms like Vlive, YouTube, or Instagram, so we are honored to be the first ones to greet you! Do you plan on making more activities outside your personal schedule for the promotion of your new album?"

"If I may be honest, not really. I'm the most comfortable in my own safe zone and I tend to try not to get out of it too often. It might close some doors to me but I'm comfortable with my fans that way. However, I often listen to this radio show and a lot of my fans were enthusiastic about that so I thought: why not."

"Ah, thank you so much, it means a lot! Your fans are indeed a strong community and they support you whether you go to TV shows or not. Besides, you've been a very active artist on social media and your whole career started on YouTube and SoundCloud before you signed to your current agency. We have to congratulate you on your journey! It's barely been two years but here you are, with your second EP 'People'! Congratulations on the release!"

"Thank you very much."

“For our listeners who might not know who Moon is, I’m going to introduce her to you: Moon, your real name is (Y/N), you were born on August 4th, 1998, Incheon and your mother was American so you pursued your studies in America. You have been taking online classes since the start of your career at the HULT, university of Florida, and even recently got your Business Bachelor, now aiming for a Ph.D. You started your journey on Youtube, uploading covers and vlogs until you finally started producing your own songs, releasing them on Soundcloud. You started gaining a lot of followers; thus, you started on other social media such as Twitter or Instagram. One year ago, you release your first EP called ‘BALANCE’ which is the reason why the music label BigHit reached to you and asked you if you wanted to sign with them. Did I get everything right?”

“You are. It feels like you know my life better than I do.”

"Ah not at all, but thank you, I am glad that I didn’t say something wrong! Would you mind sharing the concept of this EP? Many of your fans probably already know but maybe some of our daily listeners might not!"

"Of course. As you said, 'People' is my second EP, yet the first to be studio recorded. Signing with BigHit is a big step in my career and it created a lot of changes, hence I decided to focus on the people I have met, stayed with, became close to, or detached myself from… This is dedicated to the people who changed my life, whether they intended to or not. It could be interpreted as my social life diary in a way."

"I see, many of your fans have said that the album held a very distinct duality, with a bright and a much darker side that made quite the storm on social media. ‘Y/N our Moon’ and ‘MOONISBACK’ trended for a few nights on Twitter. Do you have anything you'd like to say about that?"

"I guess it was a surprise because this mini-album is really raw and uncensored. I didn't try to sugarcoat it nor to romanticize my experiences. I hope it brings comfort to people who haven't been feeling well. Because I think that it’s always easy to say that it's going to be okay to someone who’s not feeling well. Everything doesn’t suddenly become okay. And it's fine to be hurting, you can learn to live with this pain and move on while still hoping for better days. There is no end to hopes, and this is why my EP has a brighter side to it. Not everything is always a vast cold ocean. Sometimes, there are small or big waves that come crashing into our universe and they form something that we couldn't have imagined. They bring a little piece of sunshine in life and it helps to move on. So I hope that people who are struggling know that, despite how insignificant I might be, there is a person that understands and can relate to their struggles. I hope it can comfort them, even just slightly, to know that they are not alone."

"That's a beautiful way to put it."

"Ah, thank you."

"I have to ask because I'm really curious and I’m definitely not the only one: a lot of your fans have been theorizing about who could your title track ‘TIME’ be about? I have to ask you on the behalf of everyone. Is it okay for me to break the mystery?"

"Time is a track that shouldn’t have made it to the EP. It’s a bit like a fit of personal anger that I didn’t know I needed to let out.”

“Your anger was definitely heard and understood. People have been curious about the addressee of the song especially because of the line ‘maybe it’s time I finally let go of you’. So can you tell us who is it about?”

“Uh...Time was written for my seven soulmates who rejected me years ago."

"Seven!?"

"Yeah, it's a lot I know.”

“Is that why you have covered your soul mark with this tattoo on your arm? Netizens talked about it a lot; normally idols tend to cover their arm from the public eyes to avoid for their soulmates’ names to be known, but instead, you were proudly showing your tattooed arm, fully covering what might be under the ink. Many people assumed that it meant that you didn’t have a soulmate at all.”

“Well, I decided to cover the mark because there was no reason for me to keep it without hurting myself. I decided that I have been hurt enough to let myself take a rest. I didn’t see the point in hiding my arm either, I’m proud of my tattoo, I mean; it’s really a beautiful piece in my opinion. But to answer the assumptions, I don’t consider that I have soulmates anymore, hence why the tattoo as well."

"This is really a heartbreaking story, it must have been extremely hard. Breaking a soul bond is immensely dangerous, my link with my husband already itches when I spend the day away from him, so seven soul bonds? It must have been terrible."

"It was, but the most important is where I am now. I'm not lingering on that anymore because they made their choices and I thus made mine. I just hope that they all are healthy and happy where they are."

"I have to say I'm really impressed (Y/N)-shi, you really have a delicate and caring soul. I probably wouldn't be able to have such soft words about your soulmates had I been in your shoes."

"I think living the actual experience made me reflect on myself a lot. I'm comfortable where I am now, I'm able to do music and make what I love. I have nothing to complain about, I'm surrounded by lovely and supportive fans, I have the best manager I could have ever hoped for and a warm and healthy family. I don't need more on my side."

"I'm glad you are happy then. Many of your fans have pointed out it's really hard to make you smile and some wonder if you are happy, especially after the release of ‘TIME’, I don’t blame some of your fans for being worried."

"Ahhh, is smiling the only way to prove that we are happy? I believe my words are usually a bit more impactful than my facial expressions. I have to admit that I don't often smile, it's not a bad thing, at least I don't think so, but I just don't feel the need to smile when I don’t feel like it. Besides, I get shy easily when I expose my emotions too much."

"It's hard to imagine you being shy but at the same time now that I have you in front of me, our listeners cannot see you, but I definitely feel that you have a very shy and reserved aura despite the energy you give off when you are on stage. It’s not unfriendly either, but you’re just very soft-spoken and quiet in everything you do. Like when you came in, I barely heard you entering at all; you’re just silently making your way without a fuss, it’s really endearing, to be honest."

"Ah... I’ve been told that my stage persona and the ‘me’ in real life were two different entities but I don’t really think it’s true. I'm extremely introverted and it doesn't really mix well with the stage. So I just put it on the side for the people who came to see me and deserve to see more than a 24 years old woman who has troubles speaking without stuttering in front of other people."

"You stutter when you have to speak in front of other people?"

"Sometimes it happens when I’m nervous, and I’m very often nervous. Like right now, I’m extremely nervous. But it's something I'm working on."

"Well it's definitely paying off because I couldn't sense that you were nervous at all, just very calm and soft, but I wouldn’t be able to imagine you being nervous enough to stutter."

"A lot of artists actually have stage fright, most of them just don't want to admit it because it doesn't sound sexy when you tell your fans you're actually shaking before going up there for the show."

"This is very true, but it's refreshing to hear it from someone who actually lives through that rather than fan theories."

"That's understandable."

"Our time is coming to the end, do you have anything you would like to add before we sadly get our mics taken away?"

"Oh uhm, everyone, my new mini-album 'People' came out very recently and yet it already received a lot of love so I want to thank you for that. This EP was a very personal project and I was worried about how it would be welcomed but you all made me realize that I have nothing to fear because we'll always find someone who can relate to our stories. As long as I can help even one person with my songs, then it's enough for me. Thank you for listening to me and my voice. I hope we'll be able to meet soon. Love you my fans and non-fans as well, please take well care of yourselves in those times. Be careful and stay safe. Wear your mask!"

“Thank you so much Moon for being with us tonight. Our time was short but I really enjoyed it, I hope our listeners were able to feel that very warm presence of yours through the mic. ‘Give Me A Song’ of Moon’s EP ‘People’ will now be playing and we will see each other tomorrow night with IU for the release of her new album LILAC. Take care!”

Comments or Ask to be tagged!

Uploaded : 08/04/2021

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whatbigotspost · 3 years

Text

2020 brought me some up close, personal renewed reminders that abuse is normalized and rampant. It’s insidious and all around us, behind closed doors AND in front of our faces.

So here just a few reminders for you and me as we go into 2021:

Some people are REALLY good at continuously packaging their feelings/preferences/wants as “logical” or “rational” and yours as “emotional” and therefore lesser. This does NOT make their feelings ACTUALLY better, more logical than yours, “right” or whatever else. It makes them manipulative.

To the best of your ability, keep your attention on what YOU want, what makes YOU happy and how YOU most feel loved. If somone takes away from this more than they add to it, they probably shouldn’t be in your life. (If that’s an option.) You shouldn’t dread spending time around someone.

Someone who truly loves you should be kind/tolerant about your passions and interests EVEN if they don’t share them. And they don’t have to share them, but shitting all over what you are passionate about even as a “joke” isn’t ok (if you say it’s not ok.)

Listen to your body...your body has so much inherent wisdom. If you’re having a rapid heart rate, trouble sleeping, stomach issues, headaches, etc. when you spend time with someone, they’re probably stressing you out. This was a BIG realization for me this year...I’m having to step away from a friendship after I finally understood just how much his behavior/words were triggering me.

Everyone is at risk of abuse and it comes to life in so many ways. Smart, strong, “independent,” powerful, (whatever) people CAN be and are abused all the time. Being “weak” or “vulnerable” is not what gets someone abused...being the target of an abuser is. Having shame around being a “victim” can lead to abuses continuing. It’s very painful to realize that someone you love is hurting you, but shame that leads to denial only prolongs the suffering. If you have been or are being abused, you are not broken and there’s nothing wrong with you...you just need time/space to heal.

People in healthy relationships will challenge each other as needed and learn/grow but they do NOT treat one another as adversaries or projects to “improve” one another. Toxic people look for ways to show you you’re wrong as much as possible, using the words and opinions of others against you, twisting them.

Relationships DO take work...hard work investigating in the relationship as an entity of its own. BUT that work should never be draining, dreaded, and feel futile or one sided, morphing yourself into someone you are not for someone else. The work should be freely given, joyful, productive, reciprocal and the relationship should ultimately feel like an ASSET in your life, not a hinderance. Some people will never really “hear you.”

Here’s the National Domestic Violence Hotline in case anyone needs it. https://www.thehotline.org

Wishing you all much love and peace in 2021 and beyond ❤️

#abuse #resources #healthy relationships

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plounce · 3 years

Photo

what if gay CATS........... were gay PERSONS

(info on this au under the cut)

theyre all shitty young adults just kind of. getting through their early 20s as best they can. or as much as they can. maybe things will get better someday, but right now they’re kind of spinning their wheels

magic exists but like eh it’s not a big thing don’t worry about it. it’s around but like whatever. not many people have it and it’s mostly just like. a curiosity or a party trick

demeter and bombularina are together, tugger and mistoffelees are together, bombularina and tugger occasionally fwb, it’s cool and aboveboard and it’s all fine

demeter:

bisexual with a preference for women. 24 years old

semi-psychic (not as powerful as tantomile or coricopat). tends to have vague and confusing prophetic dreams

dropped out of grad school for sociology due to trauma and ensuing intensified mental illness. kind of bitter about it, but tries to get through every day. general anxiety disorder even before all that

very nervous around most men she doesn’t know & trust

currently working at a barnes & noble starbucks, which sucks. she recently became the assistant manager, which turbo sucks because now she has more work for only like a buck raise, but at least she’s getting reliable shifts

her go-to therapy is cutting her hair with scissors. her hair is fried to all hell from regular bleaching

she’s learning how to crochet because she’s decided she needs to do something physically productively creative with her hands to distract herself from Stuff

bombalurina:

bisexual. 24 years old

got her bachelor’s in english two years ago and hasn’t found a job in her field and has kind of given up on it for now

she’s been bartending for like four years, does freelance editing work on the side. will occasionally write listicles for clickbait sites if she needs extra cash

literally any extra money she can save goes to tattoos. her right sleeve’s almost done

has natural red hair but dyes it cherry red

a hedonist to cope but is also just a natural hedonist. likes a good bath

i know that like the typical thing fandoms say about female characters is “doesn’t take shit” for the girlboss points but she truly does not take shit anymore. she used to take people’s shit sometimes but at this point in her life she’s tired and she has a girlfriend to be protective of. she has a couple people whose shit she will take (mostly just tugger) but besides them (and having to practice basic customer service to keep her job) she’s tired of other people’s shit! enough!

my personal take on bombalurina is a mix between the riot grrrls of the 90s and 80s punk girls, and then a dash of the greaser chicks from grease. i saw that spiked collar and my brain went OH okay i can run with this somewhere fun. same for demeter, but less so - she just has the piercings.

demelurina:

bombalurina met demeter in college at a women’s activism club, noticed her because of her dimple piercings and was like “oh someone else with a lot of metal in her face, i’ll sit next to her”

they were each other’s first off-campus roommates and were close friends. made out a couple times, but it was mostly a lot of sexual tension. there was a lot of bombalurina staring at demeter while she or demeter made out with someone else

demeter was on and off with her high school boyfriend munkustrap and bombalurina was like “oh he’s so much more stable/calm than me and she needs that, i party a bit too much for her, i shouldn’t try anything” so she just sort of. lets their almost-there peter off

(this is all bombalurina’s internal thoughts - demeter always was interested in her, but thought she was too boring for bombalurina. so neither of them thought they could pursue it)

bombalurina graduated and moved somewhere cheaper further away from campus. they kind of drift apart

munkustrap and demeter peter off and he moves away for a job (they’re still good friends, it was a very amicable breakup) and then demeter gets with macavity, which is a deeply toxic situation for her and sucks hugely and throws her whole life really off track. won’t go into further details

she finally manages to break up with him and calls bombalurina at like 2 am asking if she can pick her up, and also if she can sleep on her couch, it’s okay if that’s not okay, she just. really needs a place she feels safe, and her gut is telling her to. and of course bombalurina says yes

bombalurina also knew macavity and had also made out a couple times with him at like parties and stuff (see: staring at demeter as she makes out with people). something about transference of feelings - bombalurina was into him for a couple moments because he and demeter had a thing.

this is due to me interpreting the song “macavity” as actually about bombalurina wanting to fuck demeter and her singing as a half-repressed expression of that. i use my really good wlw brain to reach that conclusion. it’s kind of a non-competitive version of eve sedgwick’s take on the love triangle. (<-- normal thing to say)

but anyway demeter stays on bombalurina’s couch and she tries so hard to stay on track but eventually she just has to drop out. bombalurina helps her with that too. she’s just really supportive even as demeter’s life is at its lowest point. when she gets home from bartending she gets demeter to go to sleep

she just Stays with her and makes her smile and reminds her that her life isn’t over, there’s still things in her day to enjoy, to keep her trudging forward

bombalurina is roommates with tugger at this point - he also recently dropped out and demeter knows him because he’s munkustrap’s brother, so he’s Trusted and also is like “hey it’s okay that you dropped out, im here and im chilling and you like me and respect me at least a little, and you have a bachelor’s degree at least!” (more on him later)

demeter is like “oh god ive been crashing at their place for so long not paying rent, theyre gonna ask me to leave, im such a freeloader, they wont take my attempts at paying rent” but then bombalurina and tugger are like “hey! the lease is almost up! we found a pretty good 3 bedroom, do you wanna have your own room for real?” and she nearly cries because 1. the RELIEF 2. oh my god you want me around???

cut to bombalurina helping demeter put together an ikea dresser (tugger got banished to the kitchen to make crystal light lemonade for them because he’s useless with a screwdriver) and demeter has two epiphanies:

1. i thought i was ready to d*e four months ago and here i am making a dresser to put clothes into in my new apartment where i live and feel safe and loved. im still not happy but im still alive and im making a dresser

2. holy fuck im back in love with my best friend, and ten times more than i was back then.

so she like kind of freaks out because she’s already imposed so much on bombalurina, how could she impose her FEELINGS on her like this, oh no oh no oh no

meanwhile bombalurina’s back in love with her even MORE and she’s also like no... she’s already dealing with so much... i don’t want to make her uncomfortable or feel unsafe in her own home especially after her recent relationship trauma... i just want her to feel safe around me...

you might think tugger as their roommate would be like “JUST KISS” but he is in fact pretty oblivious because he is self-absorbed. mistoffelees on the other hand..

eventually they do have a big confession of feelings after demeter has a bad day and it’s very dramatic and they make out in the rain. and it’s like. well this is a movie scene. but also im cold and damp. let’s head inside our home and get warm and dry :)

and then they go inside and and talk through everything, all their feelings (not just their romantic feelings but like ALL their feelings) and their shared histories and bombalurina is like “do you think you’re... ready for a relationship right now? like that would be a good thing for you?”

and demeter considers it. she does stop and think. and then she says, “with anyone else... probably not. but it’s you. and i feel so safe around you, and we’re already so close. you make the future feel more worth it. you make more days alive feel not just tolerable, but something to look forward to. and knowing you’ve loved me all this time... it’s nice. it’s good. i’m - i’m understating it so much, it’s more than nice, it’s just - it’s a lot. i wish i had noticed back then.” “hey, hey, don’t blame yourself. i’m the one who never said anything.”

anyway. everything works out, and they start dating for real :)

tugger:

bisexual. 22 years old

dishwasher at the same bar bombalurina works at. she got him the job. he keeps bugging her to teach him bartending tricks and on slow nights she will agree to

he dropped out of their four year, but he managed to secure an associate’s in communications before he dipped

trying to be an ig influencer hotboy and hopefully get modeling jobs from that but his phone’s camera sucks shit so his account isn’t really going anywhere. but he continues to post his low resolution shirtless selfies

trying to cope with being the failure son who does not have a fancy nonprofit job with a salary and healthcare by being self-absorbed and self-aggrandizing

it works about 60% of the time and 60% of the times that it doesn’t he’s able to hide it

he dropped out right around when bombalurina graduated and he was like HEY! ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A ROOMMATE WHO DOESN’T CARE IF WE LIVE TEN MILES AWAY FROM CAMPUS? WELL HAVE I GOT A SOLUTION FOR YOU: ME!

to which bombalurina (who has fooled around with him here and there and thinks he is funny little man and genuinely goodhearted, and also he has rockin abs as a plus) says munkustrap already asked me if i need a roommate and if i do to consider you, because you don’t want to move back home. in other words: yes, you little idiot

they do fool around with each other but they are both very understanding that it is strictly platonic and for fun, especially once they become roommates. they both do not desire each other for anything serious

he did have a bit of a crush on each other when they met (hot punk older girl who’s friends with his brother) but 1. it dissipated pretty quick after they fooled around for the first time because it was not a very serious crush 2. she was in the middle of being in love with demeter so she was focused on that, emotionally

he got his ears pierced a couple times in high school but bombalurina inspired him to get a couple more. she went with him when he got his nose pierced

demeter has always understood that him and bombalurina are strictly fwb, has never been an issue.

she and him like to bleach their hair together when their hair schedules line up (he bleaches his way less often then she does), but she refuses to use his fancy conditioner that keeps his hair unfried because it’s expensive, even though he tells her to go ahead and use it, please, the health of her hair is giving HIM anxiety, demeter please. please demeter

mistoffelees:

gay. 20 years old

has magic. it’s pretty good magic but again: magic is not a big deal in this concept

a bit spooky. skulks around. a bit of a bitch but also very very nice. chooses when to speak

he has postings on craigslist and fiverr about finding lost objects and people with magic. like a gig economy private detective

side job is a waiter at a fancy restaurant

sometimes he gets paid VERY well from the private detecting, depending on the client. he does ask his psychic friends (tantomile & coricopat) to give a quick glance over on some of the more suspicious clients just to make sure he isn’t finding someone who should not be found by that person.

doesn’t go to college. is roommates with his sister victoria, who’s a freshman and studying dance. moved into town with her so she wouldn’t have to live in the dorms by having a guaranteed roommate.

tuggoffelees:

the general vibe i want for these two is mistoffelees walking around town or driving around in his shitty toyota camry while tugger tags along because he’s bored and thinks this is cool as shit

the general tone of the au is “magic isn’t a big deal” except for tugger, who thinks mistoffelees’ magic and his magic freelancing is the coolest shit ever. this is mostly because he just likes mistoffelees. “there are people who can do cooler shit than me, tug” “yeah but i don’t KNOW them also theyre not as COOL as you” “you had to explain to me how instagram reels work”

idk how they met i just think tugger shows up at his and bombalurina’s apartment one day (this is when demeter has moved in but they havent moved to the 3br yet) with this dude to dash in and pick something up and bombalurina is like “uh. who’s this” “oh this is mistoffelees he’s SO GOOD AT MAGIC” [mistoffelees nods hello] “okay bye bombalurina see you at work!!!” “uh. later”

after that he just shows up a lot. sort of ambiguous if theyre dating or what for a while before bombalurina straight up asks like “hey does the dude you’re dating know we fool around” “the dude im - what?” “... the little magic guy who keeps using our hot cocoa mix. misty.” “oh. uh. we aren’t dating.” “... do you want to? because you’re kind of all over him constantly” “um. well! haha, if i wanted to, i could! haha!” “yeah get back to me on that”

tugger trying to use his ig clout to get mistoffelees more work even though 1. he has no clout 2. mistoffelees has a very stable client base. but mistoffelees appreciates the effort. the self-promo guy promoing someone other than himself... the highest expression of love...

mistoffelees is A Nonthreatening Man plus he’s pretty obviously gay so demeter is chill around him pretty quickly. when mistoffelees is over they’ll sit on the couch where demeter sleeps and watch documentaries quietly while she crochets

they both occasionally say spooky shit at the same time because magic stuff. bombalurina and tugger are both torn between “that was cool as fuck” and “god that’s unnerving”

just a lot of tugger following mistoffelees around on his jobs and mistoffelees letting him because he’s fond of him and them occasionally getting into minor peril and interesting shenanigans, but it is 90% fetch quests

i think the first time they met tugger was taking selfies in front of a hydrangea in a public park and he saw mistoffelees walk up with a shovel and start digging in one of the flower beds and he thought he was hot so he went over and offered to take over on the shoveling to look strong and masculine and he ended up digging up a skull, which mistoffelees picked up and said “thanks” and then walked away

mildly terrifying but also very interesting and tugger’s days are kind of boring and dishwashing kind of sucks as a job to do like every night and he is a person who thrives on novelty so. moth to a porchlight

i think they do start making out for fun here and there and then a while later theyre out on one of mistoffelees’ jobs and someone asks “who’s the guy with you” and mistoffelees replies “oh that’s my boyfriend, don’t worry about him” and then it’s like. “HUH? I’M YOUR BOYFRIEND?” “uh. yeah? i assumed. is that okay?” “i mean yeah of course i think you’re great! how long have we–” “oh like a while.” “oh. uh. cool!!”

they just hang out a lot. mistoffelees enjoys teasing him and enjoys his warmth and bombasticity and tugger likes watching and helping him solve little mysteries around the county because it’s always something new. they’re kind of a comedy duo. they just enjoy spending their time together and following mistoffelee’s internal magic gps to find lost dogs and lost necklaces

yeah right now this au is just vibes and just sort of. continuing forward with your days and your weeks and your months. just young adults hanging out

#cats the musical #mr mistoffelees #rum tum tugger #demeter cats #bombalurina #tuggoffelees #demelurina #chirps #bird in the hand

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melanielocke · 3 years

Text

Lost in the Shadows - chapter 5

AO3

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

CW: mentions of PTSD, mentions of alcoholism and past abuse, mentions of past toxic relationship

Taglist @nott-the-best @foxglove-airmid @alastair-esfandiyar-carstairs1 @justanormaldemon

The thick fog that hovered above the ground made the forest seem like the scenery out of a gothic movie. Not that Alastair minded, he felt at home among the trees, in the darkness. He and Thomas had met after breakfast before Lucie or Cordelia had woken. Alastair had always been an early riser and he was glad to see Thomas was too. More than that, though, Alastair was a poor sleeper. He had frequent nightmares and so far he’d found nothing that helped. Not even his stuffed hedgehog, which he was ashamed to admit he still slept with.

‘Look. Over there,’ Thomas pointed, his finger aimed at the ground.

Alastair followed his gaze and saw a small hedgehog, walking along the shrubs. Hedgehogs were nocturnal creatures, he knew, it wasn’t common to see them during the day, even in early morning. It was adorable.

‘Aw. I love hedgehogs, they are my favorite animals,’ Alastair said with a small smile that was rare these days.

‘They suit you,’ Thomas agreed.

‘How exactly?’ Alastair asked.

‘Well, you’re prickly and need to be handled with care or you’ll sting, but when you can look past that you’re actually adorable.’

Thomas’ cheeks flushed a dark red. ‘What I mean is,’ he began, but Alastair interrupted him with a grin.

‘Adorable, huh?’ he said.

‘I guess so,’ Thomas said. ‘Cordelia told me you still sleep with your stuffed animals. She said your favorite is a hedgehog.’

‘Little traitor,’ Alastair said.

‘I sleep with mine too,’ Thomas admitted. ‘It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I have several owls. I just sleep more comfortable that way. I need something to hold on to.’

He was surprised Thomas didn’t judge him. He felt his father would have, had he known, but he’d been too drunk to notice.

Alastair’s smile returned. ‘Now that is adorable. To tell you the truth, I keep mine around to protect me from nightmares.’

Thomas frowned. ‘Does that work?’

‘Not really. But at least holding onto something helps me relax enough to fall asleep.’

He could lie awake at night sometimes. Lately, Alastair was always tired. He did what was expected of him during the day, but he never felt rested or energetic. Even after a long night sleep with minimal nightmares, he woke tired and staying in bed didn’t help.

They talked about all sorts of topics, history, books they read, what Alastair’s first year at university had been like. Thomas told him about previous summers, which they’d usually spent in Spain. He’d spent enough time there to be fluent in Spanish now, partially because his parents had studied there and his father liked to speak Spanish at home. Alastair was surprised how easy conversing with Thomas was. He’d always struggled with making small talk, with keeping the conversation going, but Thomas didn’t shy away from more serious topics and seemed genuinely interested in what Alastair had to say.

He and Thomas continued their walk, and Alastair could tell something was bothering Thomas. He was tense, his shoulders a bit hunched. Alastair had learnt to sense when people were anxious or tense and tended to get nervous himself whenever that happened. He wondered if he’d always been hypersensitive to other people’s moods, or if he’d learnt after having to anticipate his father’s moods and then Charles’ for such a long time. He narrated a description of his surroundings to himself in an attempt to ground him in reality, to calm down enough that he could help and support Thomas. He felt useless, what was the point in being able to read people if their anxiety bothered him so much?

‘Are you alright?’ Alastair asked after a silence.

‘Why do you ask?’ Thomas asked, his voice uneven.

‘Because you seem anxious about something. Is it about me? Are you still mad about what happened at school?’

Alastair had always been more tolerant around Thomas himself, but he’d treated Thomas’ friends awfully. All he felt right now was a horrible guilt and regret for what he’d done. For how he’d justified his actions, telling himself that it was better than being bullied, that what he did wasn’t as bad as what other students had done to him. All empty excuses, and it had never been alright.

‘It’s not about you,’ Thomas said. ‘And I’m not mad. I can’t say I understand why you did it, but I know you were going through some difficult times. Besides, it happened so long ago. James and Matthew are still upset, I think. But they’re not here. I don’t think Matthew would like it much here anyway. He prefers to spend his holidays shopping and drinking at bars until late night.’

Alastair tensed a bit when Thomas’ mentioned Matthew’s drinking the way he always did when alcohol was mentioned. Once he’d been able to take care of his drunk father with little emotion, pushing everything to the bottom until he was sure his father was alright and Cordelia wouldn’t discover he wasn’t ill. Nowadays even mentions of alcohol or drinking tended to make him feel sick, as if an invisible hand was clutching at his stomach, at his heart. Just breathe, he told himself.

‘Oh shit, I’m sorry,’ Thomas said. ‘I’m not supposed to mention alcohol around you, am I?’

Alastair sighed. ‘I take it everyone knows, then?’

Alastair still found it difficult when people knew about his disorder. It was difficult to ask for adjustments, to admit a weakness and ask people to not drink in his presence, to ask people to change their own behavior for his sake. He knew most people wouldn’t be willing to do that, and he’d much rather not ask and pretend everything was fine. But eventually he’d had to admit to himself he just couldn’t handle being around people drinking and alcohol was so normalized in Britain it was difficult to avoid sometimes.

‘Not the particulars,’ Thomas admitted. ‘But Mr. Herondale warned us that we shouldn’t drink, nor discuss alcohol when you’re there.’

‘It’s fine,’ Alastair said. ‘As long as I don’t see you drink, or smell it on you, it’s fine.’

People talking about alcohol could be difficult, but he could manage. He would. Matthew Fairchild was across the sea, and him drinking alcohol didn’t harm Alastair. It wasn’t his problem.

‘You don’t seem fine.’

‘It’s not easy, but it’s alright. I can handle mentions of drinking,’ Alastair said.

He hated how some people who knew about his diagnosis had started to walk on eggshells around him, like he was a bomb that would explode the moment someone said something wrong. It made him feel like he was fragile, broken, like there was something horribly wrong with him, when Alastair desperately tried to convince himself that wasn’t true. Deep down, he knew it was true though. He knew there was something wrong with him and that he wasn’t normal and would never be.

‘You don’t have to,’ Thomas said. ‘Look, I don’t think you want to talk about it and you don’t have to. But if you want to talk… I’m here for you, alright? I can promise I am a good listener.’

Alastair nodded. ‘You still haven’t told me what’s bothering you,’ he said in an attempt to deflect.

Alastair took a sip out of the flask of water he’d taken to carrying with him. Ever since starting paroxetine, he often had a dry mouth. He’d also gained some weight. Risa in particular was very happy with that development. Before starting his medication he’d been underweight, often unable to eat because of his nerves. Aunt Risa had worried about his weight loss, and had been very happy when he had started eating again and gotten back at a normal weight.

Apart from that no side effects, and Alastair was mostly glad his medication didn’t cause any sexual dysfunction because he’d heard that happened sometimes. Even if he didn’t have a boyfriend now, he guessed he wanted one someday. He tried to ignore the voice in his head, reminding him that no one would want to be his boyfriend, that he wasn’t worth the effort. Charles had often told him he was difficult to love, that other people wouldn’t bother, and Alastair had believed him. Part of him still did.

The effect taking antidepressants had was only partial, paroxetine on its own wasn’t enough to treat PTSD, but when it came to this specific disorder it was the most effective out of all antidepressants. Alastair had agreed to give it a try. Two months in, it was definitely better than nothing and he had more good days, but he hoped the EMDR treatment he would be starting after the summer was more effective.

‘It’s something that happened yesterday,’ Thomas admitted. ‘I’m not sure I should tell you.’

‘You can trust me to keep your secret,’ Alastair promised. ‘But you don’t have to talk if you don’t want to.’

‘You know your cousin Jem used to fight the evil creatures of the supernatural, right?’ Thomas asked. ‘And your father too, before…’

Before he’d started drinking. People who knew about his father’s past as a hero sometimes said it was the price he’d had to pay, for seeing so many horrors and fighting for so long. Alastair hated it, it made him want to scream. What about the price I had to pay?

It was what had set him off when Jem had come over for dinner, not aware that anything was wrong with him. His cousin had talked about the struggles of life as a hero, the effects it could have on someone. Later, Alastair had learned his mother had become so desperate she’d confessed Elias’ addiction to Jem and had asked him if he could convince him to seek treatment.

Jem had agreed, and had used Elias’ past heroism as a gentle way to bring up the problem, but Alastair had felt as if Jem was trying to justify his father’s addiction and by extension what he’d put his family through. He’d screamed at Jem, at his father, at everyone present really. What about the people surrounding such a person? What about the people who were hurt when a hero’s burden became too much, did they not matter? Horrified at his own outburst, Alastair had ran to his room and attempted to calm himself by putting on Metallica and turning up the volume until he could block everything else out. When Jem had come upstairs, Alastair had expected him to be angry. Instead, Jem had been worried. It was the first time someone had realized his moodiness wasn’t just a “turbulent adolescence”, as his parents had long thought.

‘Yes,’ Alastair said. ‘When I was younger, my father would tell me stories about the creatures he’d fought and defeated.’

Once he’d loved listening to his father’s stories. Once he had sat down in his father’s lap and asked him to tell him about the incubus in Greece, or the kelpie in Scotland. Now he only wondered if his father had been drinking already back then. He wasn’t sure when it had gotten out of hand.

‘Well, I can see them. What I mean is, I have gift that makes it so I can see anything without having to learn at all. My mother and my oldest sister Barbara have the same gift.’

Alastair nodded. ‘So does my aunt Risa,’ he said. ‘She taught me and Cordelia how to see.’

There had been times in his life where he’d felt like Risa was the only person who cared about him. He hadn’t dared tell her about his father’s alcoholism, desperate to keep his family together and in one piece, but she’d been there when he needed her. No one else had done that for him. She used to take him to see the gnomes play in parks, since she didn’t have a garden of her own. She used to cook and bake in her kitchen with him. Risa was a cook in a local Iranian restaurant and had taught him everything she knew about making good food.

‘Yesterday, I walked into the woods and I encountered the washing woman. They say seeing her is an omen of death, although in my case it could just be that she didn’t intend for me to see her, but with my gift I see her anyway.’

‘I’ve heard of such creatures,’ Alastair said. ‘You must not approach or they might attack and paralyze your legs. But if you can sneak up on them, they are said to grant a wish.’

Alastair thought not so long ago he would have given it a try if he’d seen such a woman. He might have asked her to fix his family, or at least fix his father’s alcoholism. Nowadays, he wasn’t sure what he’d ask for. Fixing his father’s alcoholism wouldn’t cure his PTSD, it wouldn’t allow him to love or trust his father again, wouldn’t erase the past years. Perhaps he would ask for a cure for his PTSD, but he didn’t think such a thing existed, he wasn’t sure what exactly the result of such a wish would be. Nor did he know who his father would be without his addiction. He did not think his father would love him sober either. The best he could hope for was that EMDR treatment would help him.

‘Well, I ran,’ Thomas said. ‘But not before it called out to me. Warning me about some unpaid debt from my grandfather who made all sorts of deals with dangerous creatures.’

Alastair had heard plenty of stories like that from his father. There were all kinds of creatures that generally left humanity alone, but could trick people into making deals with them. It usually ended badly, and sometimes required intervention.

Alastair tried to think, was Thomas in danger? He’d always known about the supernatural, of course, but preferred to stay away from it. Cordelia was the one who had been given their father’s magical sword, and although Alastair hated the idea of her living the kind of life Father used to live, it suited her more than it suited Alastair.

‘From what I learnt, deals with supernatural entities often go wrong,’ Alastair said. ‘Is your grandfather still alive?’

Thomas shook his head. ‘I never knew him. Apparently he turned into a giant worm and uncle Will, uncle Jem and uncle Gabriel had to kill him. My parents are trying to look into it a bit more, but it’s difficult since my aunt has all his journals, his possessions, and isn’t willing to share. According to my father, his mother died as a result of his dealings, and my cousin Jesse might have too.’

Alastair wasn’t sure what to think. He had heard some vague stories of the Lightwoods and Herondales who used to fight dangerous creatures, but had no idea a relative had made such deals. Of course, he didn’t think his father had been involved in this. His cousin Jem had carried cortana for one of two years before retiring and giving it back to Elias.

‘I think something might be after me,’ Thomas added. ‘I was often sick as a child, and so was Jesse. No one could figure out what was wrong with me.’

Alastair frowned. ‘I don’t remember you being sick often when we went to the same school. You were always there, trailing behind me, I would have noticed if you were absent often.’

‘I grew over my sickness when I was almost fourteen, we met soon after that,’ Thomas said. ‘I always kind of took it for granted, since no one could tell me what was wrong with me I figured it was normal I’d grow over it eventually. But I got better around the same time Jesse died, and then my aunt Tatiana, Jesse’s mother, came by our house and yelled at my parents that it should have been me.’

Alastair frowned. ‘And you think that means that your cousin dying had to do with your grandfather’s debt?’

‘My aunt believed it, at least.’

‘But what does that have to do with you getting better?’ Alastair asked, not sure if he could make sense of that theory.

‘Well, both Jesse and I were sick. I didn’t know him well, Tatiana kept him away from us, but he did know Lucie and she told me his symptoms were almost exactly the same as mine.’

‘And it’s not a genetic disorder?’ Alastair asked.

‘No one else in the family was sick, just me and Jesse,’ Thomas continued. ‘I got tested for pretty much everything they could think of, all negative. They couldn’t find out what was wrong with Jesse either. My grandmother already died as payment for what my grandfather did. So it’s not that farfetched that Benedict owed them a grandchild or something and they had to choose between me and Jesse. Except Jesse’s death wasn’t enough, and now some creature came to warn me I’m next.’ Thomas looked resigned. ‘I think I’m going to die.’

Alastair took Thomas’ hand, hoping that would not be too forward. ‘You’re not going to die,’ he said. ‘I have never heard of debts being passed on to next generations, or going on for so long. From what I’ve been told, it usually ends when the person who made the deal dies.’

‘Not in this case,’ Thomas said. ‘Jesse got lost in the woods where he lived and died. People searched, but no one could find him until he was already dead.’

Alastair could tell Thomas was getting more and more anxious and Alastair wasn’t sure how to help him. He couldn’t say for sure that was Thomas was saying was wrong, even if he still tried to think of more mundane explanations for what was happening.

‘But getting lost in the woods is not supernatural, is it? If we strayed off the path here, it could be a while until we found our way out.’

‘Yes, but the woods where he got lost weren’t big like here. Realistically, they should have found him much sooner. That’s weird, unless there was magic involved. It wasn’t particularly cold either, it happened during spring.’

Alastair had to admit that was odd. Not all forests were big enough to get lost in and die. Even here, he suspected if they didn’t make it back, people would raise alarm soon enough and find them long before they could die of natural causes. Of course, their chances of surviving a couple of days might be better than those of a twelve year old boy.

‘Could the entity that claimed Jesse’s life have picked him over you because you have the sight?’ Alastair speculated. ‘That’s something you inherited from your mother, isn’t it? Jesse didn’t have that.’

‘It is,’ Thomas confirmed. ‘No one in my father’s family has it. It feels kind of awful, doesn’t it? That I lived and got better because Jesse died?’

‘That’s just speculation,’ Alastair said sharply. ‘Don’t beat yourself up over things we can’t prove. But there is something we could do to gather more information.’

‘Beyond convincing my aunt to give us those journals?’ Thomas asked.

‘So, I haven’t done this with someone else in a very long time. Perhaps it’s best I show you.’

Alastair chose a neutral memory. He had considered a happy one, but he didn’t think he’d be comfortable sharing any of that with Thomas, not yet. Besides, he didn’t have many happy memories. It had to be nice, with his ability, to have infinite happy memories he could revisit at any time. Instead, Alastair mainly got caught in the bad ones. He picked a memory from a lecture on the history of socialism. Alastair remembered being horrified at some of the comments other students had made, only later had he realized Charles probably agreed with them. But that wasn’t the point right now. Instead, he showed Thomas a bit of the start of the lecture. The professor was animated, talking about the subject like it was the most interesting thing ever.

‘Was this at university?’ Thomas asked when they were back in the woods. ‘What did you just do?’

‘I showed you a memory of mine. Not a particularly interesting one, but it gets the point across. I can revisit any of my memories.’

‘That must make it easy to study for exams,’ Thomas said, but it wasn’t accusatory. Alastair sometimes felt like using his ability was cheating, but what was the point of having a magic memory if you didn’t even use it?

‘I do need to remember where the information I need is. So if I don’t remember the answer to an exam question, but do remember which lecture it was discussed, or which book, I can go back there. Fortunately, I am also good at studying and usually know where to look.’

Alastair had a whole library inside his head. At home, he kept a list of every book he ever read to organize it.

‘But how will that help?’ Thomas asked. ‘Is there anything you remember?’

Alastair’s dark eyes gleamed. ‘No, not related to what’s happening to you. But you have your memories. Perhaps your parents remember things, details they didn’t think were important at the time. I can help you rewatch your own memories, help you recall things you might have forgotten. It is something that I do not usually do, as it feels rather invasive. But if it helps save your life, I’m willing to give it a try.’

Thomas nodded. ‘Yes, of course. You can look in my memories all you like if that’ll save me.’

#Alastair Carstairs #Thomas Lightwood #Cordelia Carstairs #Lucie Herondale #Thomastair #Lucelia #fanfiction #fic #the last hours #tlh #tsc

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thatweeboverthereisthirsty · 4 years

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Hello! Can I request hcs for your top 5 favorite characters when they find out their fem s/o vapes/smokes? Have a nice day~💕

I loved writing these ngl. Also I did six because I have no idea how to choose between these guys.

Characters: Leona, Ruggie, Floyd, Kalim, Idia, Malleus

Warnings: smoking&vaping, overdramatic teenage boys (leona isn’t a teenager, does malleus count?)

Leona:

He didn’t peg you to be that kind of person, but there was no doubt that you were vaping

He had smelled the weed on you a few times but didn’t comment. It was common for there to be clouds of vape in the bathrooms at school so he figured you had just walked through one

At first he wouldn’t comment, but he would watch you do it and keep track of how many times you took a hit and how frequently you pulled your pen out during the day

If he felt like there was nothing serious to worry about then he might let it fly a few times only commenting on how he hated the smell to try and persuade you to do it less often

If he was concerned about the amount of vaping you did, he would probably just steal all your stuff at first to see if you would stop

If that didn’t work then he would confront you about it asking why you started and how long you’ve been doing it

It’s unlikely that he’ll be super upset about it but he will ask you to stop and provide you with other solutions if needed

He prefers the you that isn’t higher than the clouds

After learning more about vaping and the fact that by inhaling toxic metals you could potentially die then he would put up more of a fight

If it got to the point where he was really concerned he might take you to a rehab center just so they could get you to stop (even if you weren’t addicted)

Ruggie:

Wait what?! You smoke!!!

He stares in shock as you pull the cigarette away from your mouth and blow out a large puff of smoke

No no no no no no no no!!!!!!!!!

Already running up to you and snatching the cigarette out of your hands

“Ruggie!”

Absolutely not. He’s seen enough people in the slums turn to smoking or that might even be the reason they were in the slums to begin with.

He knows the cost. He has seen people die, or get violently sick, or run out of money because they smoke

It is not something he’s gonna watch you go through

Probably gonna yell at you about how awful this is for you before finding all your cigarettes and soaking them before chopping them into little pieces and throwing them away

He’s got a great sense of smell so if he smells nicotine on you again he would get really upset

Ruggie cares about you a lot but would still most definitely threaten you to get you to stop

If he threatens to end your relationship to that means he’s certainly worried about your health

He doesn’t care how you started in the first place he justs wants you to stop

Would totally beg Leona to pay for rehab

Would also totally drag you there

Floyd:

Eh? What’s little shrimpy doing?

Has zero clue what a vape is or how it works, but it looks fun let him try it too

You’re probably hesitant cause he doesn’t know what it is and if Azul and Jade found out they might get mad

He’s gonna try it anyways

Literally has no idea how to use it and probably ends up inhaling his own spit instead

He wants to know how you make clouds with your breath though, and oh! You can make it into shapes!

Definitely gonna ask Azul and his big brother about it

They casually explain what vaping is and what it does. They also tell him that it’s bad for you and he shouldn’t try it

“Huh? But little shrimpy does it all the time?”

Que a further explanation and advice on how to help you stop

He’s gonna pest you about it all the time now

“You didn’t swallow any clouds again today did you?”

“No Floyd I didn’t swallow any clouds”

It’s very easy for him to get you to stop since he’ll just squeeze you everytime he catches you doing it

And when he finds your pen he will pick it up and throw it away

Has he seen your vape? Of course not. Why would Floyd know where your cloud machine went?

Every time you get sick he accuses you of vaping too much

“You wouldn’t be stuck in bed all day if you hadn’t swallowed so many clouds, shrimpy.”

Kalim:

Immediate panic

“JAMIL!!!!!”

Literally Jamil does not have time for this

Tells him to calm down and just ask you about it

Ok yeah. Kalim can do that. He’s calm

He’s not calm

Forgets to ask you about it and instead asks if you wanna go for a ride

Legit takes you to a rehab center and cries at the front desk about you for like 40 min

The people ask you a few questions and determine that no you’re not addicted and tell Kalim that everything is gonna be fine

You are literally so confused right now

When you guys get home he can’t stop asking questions and telling you that it’s bad to smoke

Will bribe you to get you to stop

“I’ll buy you whatever you want just don’t do that”

Literally 100x more panicked than any other normal person

“BUT WHAT IF YOU DIE!!!!!!”

Doesn’t want to leave your side in case you do it again when he’s not looking

Jamil is 200% done with the dramatics

“Listen if you don’t stop I’ll actually poison your food. I have a hard enough time dealing with Kalim when he isn’t freaking out.”

Between the two of them it would just be easier to stop

Kalim will throw you a party for stopping

He’s so proud of you

“Baby you make me so proud!”

“Kalim she’s not your daughter *sigh*” - Jamil

“WHAT IF OUR DAUGHTER SMOKES!!!”

Hold up since when did he decide that-

Never mind

Kalim is just a big drama baby and you love him for it

Idia:

Probably doesn’t really know what to think about it

On one hand you’re old enough to make your own decisions

On the other hand your decision making skills are obviously not great

Literally spend the next month trying to decide what to do about it

Makes a pros and cons visual board for confronting you about it

Also writes up a list of reactions to his confrontation

Probably also writes up like 17 different scripts all in a choose your own ending type format to include how to deal with every reaction

Ngl he panics a lot cause he knows that vaping is bad but after finding out you do it he can’t stop watching these really concerning youtube videos about how people’s lives turned into a total complete disaster because of vaping

He becomes a nervous wreck every time you smell like weed

Always has you count to ten when he sees you

Likely has visions of you in the hospital or homeless on the street wheezing about how you wished someone had stopped you

Either you’re gonna catch on and ask him about it, initiating the conversation or he’s gonna have Ortho do it

He’s worried you will leave him for not being supportive

Literally asks you if you’re gonna leave him for this

Obviously you won’t so when you confirm that you’re staying he melts into a puddle and just cries

Highkey he looks more like one of those crazy people from the videos than you

“But Idia you’re addicted to video games and sugar. People say that’s as bad as cocaine”

Figures out that sugar releases the same chemical in your brain as cocaine

“What if you just ate a bunch of candy with me instead? We can be sugar addicts together.” (Idia I’d love to but no amount of candy is worth a break out)

Fine fine fine you’ll stop (but only cause he literally looks like he’s having withdrawals just from worrying about you) it’s ironic

Malleus:

Most dramatic by far

WHY WOULD A FRAGILE HUMAN PURPOSELY PUT THEIR HEALTH AT RISK

Ngl has zero clue what’s going on until Lilia points it out

“Huh doesn’t smoking kill humans?”

*blink* *blink*

Smoking does what to a human

“DARLING!!!!”

Seriously thinks that your going to die any minute now

Que the mental breakdown

Calls all the best healers and puts you on bed rest

“Darling I know we’re gonna get through this. Just keep fighting”

Ummm… you have no idea what’s happening

He just kidnapped you from class and put you in a Diasomnia room and started weeping like you were dying

Lowkey he already started looking at ways to preserve your body as long as possible

Also looks at coffins and tombstones

Highkey plans to buy you a large plot of land that looks over the pretty stuff in the valley of thorns

Why? you ask.

Because obviously you deserve a whole cemetery to yourself

“Malleus I’m not gonna-”

“Shhh don’t speak. You’ll only make it harder to heal”

Lilia walks in and finds this

Probably thinks this is super sweet and totally wants to leave you guys like this

But doesn’t want Malleus to suffer and you to be held on house arrest for no reason

“She’s not dying Malleus”

What? Ooooooohhhh… oops

He gets embarrassed af

Has to call back all the people he hired to prepare for your death

“Um hi there. Turns out I don’t need that jewel encrusted coffin. No no the pyramid should still be built, humans have short life spans.”

“MALLEUS!!!!”

He is so grateful you’re not dying

But would totally get pissed if you decided to smoke again

Guess that’s the end of that

224 notes · View notes

musette22 · 4 years

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is it weird that I can't even look at their pics right now (seb and chris) because I can't help but feel icky and disappointed? the recent evens reminded me that they are truly two rich and privileged white men who are so dumb just cos they wanna get some. I'm out. Maybe in a year or so I'll check what their projects are. maybe never. I just can't right now. what a shame.

Okay guys, I’ve been debating over whether or not to “open my big mouth” about this (as one anon so sweetly put it once), but I’ve been getting quite a lot of messages like this one and I think I do want to share a few thoughts with you all. I’m going to put them under the cut because this is a long one, and I don’t want to clog up everyone’s dash ❤️

First of all, let me just make it clear that I am fully aware of the severity of this pandemic, especially in some places, including in the US, and that I am in no way trying to make light of any of it or undermine how serious this situation is for a lot of people around the globe right now, many of you included. It’s a terrible situation, and it’s far from over. I’m also not aiming to be an apologist for the bad decisions of privileged white males just because I have a crush on them, because that idea is abhorrent to me, but I’m aware some of you might still feel like I am, and that’s your right.

Having said all that, I am getting a bit worried about all the posts I’ve seen about how people are angry and disillusioned with Sebastian and Chris’s behaviour. I’m not trying to invalidate your disappointment, because it’s totally fair to wish they’d made different decisions, more akin to the decisions you yourself presumably would have made. And if that disappointment goes deep enough then it is absolutely fair if you want to unstan them and stop following or supporting them (that does not extend to sending them hate though, that is not in any way acceptable, no matter how disappointed we are).

But, as anon rightfully points out, the fact of the matter is that they are privileged white male celebrities. This is not news. They (especially Chris) have been successful celebrities for a long, long time, and with celebrity come certain privileges. They can afford massive houses in LA and big apartments in expensive areas in New York City, for instance. They get to go to cool parties, they get free stuff, everyone kisses their ass. They get paid exorbitant amounts of money (Chris much more so than Seb of course) that bear no direct relation to their work and responsibilities anymore, at this point.

And that’s not to say they don’t work hard, they do - but so do most of us, and we’re not getting paid nearly as much as them. It’s inherently unfair, but that’s what celebrity culture (and capitalism) are. Now, I’m not saying everyone has to blindly accept the status quo and just ignore how unfair it all is – far from it. In some ways, I wish more people would denounce celebrity culture, because it is in some senses terribly toxic and unfair. But listen, if you want to stan celebrities because it brings you some joy in this fucked up world, then I think that’s also perfectly understandable. That’s what I’m doing too. And to stan celebs (at least of the calibre of Chris and Seb) we need them to be famous, otherwise we wouldn’t even know them and we would get no content to consume. They are famous because they are in Hollywood movies, and they are in Hollywood movies because they play the Hollywood game - to some extent, at least. Playing the Hollywood game means everything from flying all over the world for movie premieres and leaving a huge carbon footprint, to going to glitzy parties where there a are lots or questionable people present, to “lying” in interviews because of contractual obligations - and sometimes it also means playing along with fake PR rumours or relationships, even if it’s bad PR.

I know people are worried about Chris, and especially Seb, being “bought” by Hollywood and its money and temptations, and losing his integrity and that he won’t be that sweet, soft-spoken, well-read boy who loves his mom anymore. I personally believe that so far, both Seb and Chris have managed to maintain an impressive level of integrity throughout it all, and I’m still hopeful that that isn’t going to change (much).

But it’s not realistic to have the same expectations for them you would have for your loved ones for instance, because they’re not. We have zero relationship to them as people, and they owe us nothing. They give us movies and pictures of their pretty faces, and occasionally good advice or lovely hugs at comic cons, but that’s all we’re gonna get from them. They are not our friends or potential partners. They’re human of course, and in that sense just like you and me, meaning they have feelings and thoughts and a right to privacy and they make mistakes, but their circumstances are wildly different from most of ours. They’re surrounded by the Hollywood circus. They are PART of the Hollywood circus, because they’re actors and if you want to be a successful movie actor you have to play the game to some extent. Sebastian cannot be expected to be home all the time and decline going to parties because he prefers staying in with a good book even if he did prefer that, because that way he’d never be noticed by the people who matter, and who could get him where he wants to be. He said it himself, he’s an ambitious guy. He wants bigger roles, bigger challenges. And he’s not going to get them if he doesn’t do some annoying, dumb shit sometimes, unfortunately.

In my view, that doesn’t make him a bad person who doesn’t care about anyone but himself, but it does make him a privileged human. Being a privileged human also entails some responsibilities, though – if you don’t want to become corrupt, you have to make sure you also use your privilege for good. And in my opinion, both Sebastian and Chris do that. They use their voice and their money to help people less fortunate than them. That’s part of that integrity I was talking about. Some of you may disagree, and that’s fine, but this is how I view it.

As for everyone who is upset with them for traveling to Europe during a pandemic and not wearing a mask in public: I completely understand your frustration, and I am frustrated too. This is literally a deadly virus and it has to be taken very seriously, and unfortunately, they’re not taking it very seriously right now, and that kind of sucks. But the truth is, neither of them are breaking any rules and neither of them is being more callous than the majority of people in the countries they’ve been seen in are. The situation in most of Europe is stabilising (not everywhere, and the UK isn’t doing all that great to be fair), and governments are reopening their countries and facilities. Wearing a mask in the street is not mandatory in either Spain or the UK, except for in specific situations such as public transport or if you’re in certain professions. The rules here are different from those in New York etc. because they have been adapted to how each country is faring.

I live in the Netherlands, and no one here is wearing a mask in the street, not even in the hospital or at the doctor’s, and yet the situation continues to stabilise (I hope to god it stays that way, but that of course remains to be seen). From my friends in Spain and the UK I have heard the situation is much the same. Yes, Sebastian is acting differently from how he did in New York, but he’s in different circumstances too, so that makes sense. Moreover, both Chris and Seb will have been tested before traveling, because they’re privileged celebrities who have access to testing even where lots of normal folks unfortunately don’t.

Now, I’m not saying both guys shouldn’t just have stayed put and not left the country (especially a country where the virus is still rampant), because they should have, and they’re both dumbasses for not doing so. I am definitely disappointed that they’re not being smarter and more considerate about this, but I recognise that my disappointment in part stems from the fact that I put them on a pedestal that I shouldn’t have put them on in the first place. And I know a lot of you are mad at them for flying to Europe “just to get some”, but that is disregarding the fact that both Sebastian’s holiday and Chris’s trip to London seem to be at least partially for PR reasons, most likely pushed and arranged by their agency. The exact extent of how much of it is PR is still a little unclear to me at the moment, but I think it’s fair to assert at this point that they did not just fly to Europe to “get some.”

I know this is ridiculously long, but I have been thinking about all of this a lot these past few days and wanted to get those thoughts out! I hope most of you can understand where I’m coming from here. Love you guys ❤️

#minnie answers #and she uses a lot of words to do so #as usual #Anonymous

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dropsofletters · 4 years

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risk another goodbye

title: risk another goodbye pairing: chae hyungwon/reader genre: ex!au/strangers to lovers!au/app!au summary: Her phone recommends her this app to help others break up with their partner, and it sounds absolutely like the worst idea she could ever have, but it’s the most interesting one at the moment. The problem starts when she breaks up with a guy on behalf of his girlfriend only to realize that he is not bad looking and he’s pretty funny…she wonders, though, how could someone break up with Chae Hyungwon? type: angst/fluff/romance/humor word count: 16,257 disclaimer: this is part of my august special called ‘the anti-love club’. each story can be read individually, however, you’d be getting a little bit more of backstory along with some easter eggs if you read each of them, as well as helping me with support. the masterlist can be found here.

The collision of sunrays against her hair, long flowery dress and her moving lips should be bright—it should make her feel nourished, but instead, with each moment that passes with a tight smile on her face and her hands frantically moving to push her subject across, she knows no amount of sunshine could brighten the faces of the teenagers in front of her. Uninterested, they clearly are, some looking down at their hidden phones, others simply nodding at whatever she says and when she asks for answers to specific motivational questions, ones that she had learned in her few years in the field, the replies are short. This shouldn’t make her fidgety—more than usual—but to be unheard is one of the feelings that she still doesn’t get used to when she is supposed to be motivating these high school seniors to be the best version of themselves.

But who really is the best version of themselves? Not even herself, a whole motivational speaker.

Normally, she likes to believe she is a happy person. Somewhat smiley, likes getting out of the bed and meet up with someone of her preference simply to feel like she is alive, finds comfort in people and in her atmosphere—her job, in which she always has to look at the positive, not giving herself the time to think about the negatives in her life. Breathing should be enough, being healthy should be enough, but sometimes she seeks for something else. A new look, maybe, perhaps a new outlook in life, something that is not talking all the time but actually listening. Sometimes, she’d rather have the world go quiet, slower, much unlike what she seeks for in her daily life. Always fidgety, jumping at her feet, blaming herself if being too lazy and moving on to the next person to motivate. If she could do it, anyone else could.

Do what exactly? She has no idea. Perhaps, have a job that she likes, heels clicking on the flooring as she grabs a few students and makes them trust one another. Ah, that—she has friends that she can trust, and perhaps a rent that gets paid, some student loans that eventually will disappear into the thin distance if she keeps this going, working in making people better. She doesn’t have a car, but she has the will to move back from whenever she is to her home and she has warm food in her stomach most of the time. What she doesn’t have, however, is that energy that usually comes from beneath her, and while her limbs are moving the majority of the time, hating nothing more than to be still, and it is all thanks to…a break-up.

Yes, the motivational speaker, endlessly happy woman that is telling students to seek for nothing more than the brightness beneath themselves had broken up with her boyfriend of seven years not too long ago. Three weeks, four days, seven hours…probably twenty minutes.

Sometimes, she’d rather have the will inside of her to not smile, to frown and tell all these people that no one has it figured out. That no one, no enthusiastic person, can take away their opportunity of living their lives without always being optimistic—sadness shall be felt, cured, kissed until it healed, it shall be a badge to be proud of when it’s done for instead of being pushed into the back of someone’s head, but that is exactly what she does. Three weeks, four days, seven hours, twenty-one minutes, this relationship doesn’t have to matter.

At some point, the talk is over. She has given enough bullshit for these guys, with quotes from people who also didn’t have anything sorted out in their lives, for it to be over. Almost like a balloon deflating at the sound of the recess bell, she lets the breath she was holding let go on her chest, the threads and knots on her lungs suddenly popping open, hands going towards the desk of the teacher on charge at the moment—the literature teacher, to be exact, one that she knows perfectly well and that immediately rests her palm on the expanse of her back.

“I told you not to do this.”

Moving, she always is, so the position changes rapidly, fingers fidgety as she speaks. “Seola, I’m fine.” She tells her, as always making it seem like everything is sorted out. That’s what heroes do, they put on their capes and have the world relying on the fact that they’d never be weakened. The woman with the short hair and similarly short height shook her head at her antics. “It’s just the lack of response—that’s all. I spoke and spoke and spoke, no one paid attention. It’s okay, this happens—”

Seola interrupts her by pushing a water bottle towards her hands, rolling her eyes at her hyperactive friend’s antics. “You know it’s not,” Seola says, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear. “You don’t care if some students don’t pay attention to you. You love talking all this psychology stuff and how much optimism has changed your life.” The tone of her friend’s voice downs her into a reality that she has been trying to avoid. Three weeks, four days. Three weeks, four days. Three weeks and four days without him. Optimism has been long gone, knowing to the best of her abilities that if the person that had stayed with her for seven years was unable to make it work with her, then she could not even last in any other relationship. “Really, there’s nothing wrong in accepting you’re not seeing the bright side of things for once. Talk to me.”

It’s in the way that she speaks, Seola, that shows exactly that she has a nice group of friends, a nice life…things that she should be grateful of. Even a nice boss, for all heaven’s sake, and she still has the right to complain about some break-up. “It’s nothing.”

“Hey—”

“It’s nothing.”

Seola’s patience runs short, clear as day, when she takes her by the wrist and lowers her to look into her eyes. The monotone voice of hers speaking nicely, even through her clear distress. “Breaking up with Tsubasa is exactly what needed to happen. Your relationship was toxic since years ago, you’d take breaks and then get back together, only to break up again. You two were tied down into getting back to the same routine, that would kill any kind of relationship.” The death of hers had hit her like a ton of bricks, knowingly so, and she had been the one to break it off. In between an argument, sure, and possibly thinking of all these motivational speeches about ‘letting go of the bad to look for something better’, and she had uttered it in a yell. The words still repeat in her head: I want to break up with you and never see you again. “…I get why you’re heartbroken because you spent seven years of your life with him, but he’s…not even that much of a guy to cry about.”

Cry, oh, she doesn’t think she has even let herself do such a thing. Restrained, positive, as she should be, she simply has continued on with her life as if nothing had happened. Cleaning her apartment spotless, making sure that there will never be a sign of her relationship, of the kisses or the fights, of the happiness and the disappointment alike. “I haven’t cried about him,” She states, wanting to make clear that this is no reason for her to be sad. “Seola, I mean it, I’m just…getting used to it, that’s all. Since I don’t have that constant responsibility by my side, I’m feeling a bit empty, that’s all.”

The woman in question fixes the rounded glasses on her face. “Are you sure about that?”

She nods rapidly, but not in a rush. “Of course. Nothing that can’t be filled with a girl’s night.”

The serious Seola seems to perk up at that, probably a bit freer now that graduation was approaching for her students and grading tests has become less of her priorities. “I really need one of those, too.” She speaks softly, letting out a chuckle as she helps the woman clean up her materials before she has to leave. “Do you think you can make it tonight? Our entire group should reunite in your apartment in celebration of your break-up.”

Celebration. That’s what it should be to finally be set free of an uptight relationship with none other than the man that had probably quickened the stage of getting white hairs in her life. “…I’ve got nothing to do, of course I can make it tonight.”

“Good,” Seola says, now nearing her to speak in a whisper. “I’d kill for some beers right now. This year’s class has been a headache.”

She laughs at that, cradling her textbooks near her chest before tilting her head to the side. “In any other occasion I would have told you that you always get headaches, but this group really is difficult.”

“So, beers?”

“Yeah, I could buy a few, you can pay me back for it later.”

“Excellent.”

Hours later, the sound of two of your friends huffing on the floor, drunken beyond reparation at this point, but still working out incessantly is the least of her worries. Seola and Miwoo are the ones doing push-ups on her flooring, possibly shouting the numbers louder than they should, probably on the verge of having her neighbors call her out for the noise. Doah, however, the least drunk of her friends, is now waiting for an application to stop downloading on her phone—she asked for it and she had given her to Doah, far more preoccupied on the root beer she had grabbed on her way to buying alcohol, looking at it swirling on the bottle she has been sipping on for the past half hour, thoughts loud even when she is accompanied.

She should be happy, thankful even, that her friends have stayed with her through thick and thin. That Miwoo, even when she is a well-known personal trainer, stays with her, the same goes for Seola and Doah, but that is far from the point. The expectations of having her life be bright at all times had made her feel sulky, almost like she can’t get out from this low of her current life. Sip, sigh. Those are the two actions that she has been doing while her friends are having fun and while two of them are too far gone to even notice how heartbroken she is, Doah’s fingers are gliding through her hair, playing with the ends, wanting nothing more than for her sighs to subside or change for relaxed breathing.

She’s alive, that should be enough of an excuse to smile…and she has been alive for the past seven years.

While does it feel like a part of her left, the moment she kicked Tsubasa out of their apartment?

A hundred percent, downloading. That’s what the screen reads when she gives a glimpse towards it, suddenly aware that Doah has stopped playing with her hair and is now looking at the screen with a smile. “Ladies, I’ve found an activity for us to do that doesn’t include getting abs.” She says with glee, Seola showing her gratitude while trying to push Miwoo away from her feet, kneeling down to keep her in place while doing some exercises.

“Thank God, I was about to die.” Seola announces, pushing Miwoo off her body before rushing towards the couch. Happiness, she feels like…though in a small gleam of a shooting star, brief, when Seola’s sweaty hands place themselves on her knees, cheek resting against her thighs as she tries to look at the screen of her phone in Doah’s hands. Miwoo follows soon after, not sweating quite as much as Seola is.

“W—What—?” A hiccup, probably coming from her drunkenness and what characterizes her as her ‘too-much’ gene. “What are we going to do?”

Doah fixes her stance, her black hair tied behind her head with a bun, patting the few baby hairs on the edges to settle them. Settled, just exactly what Doah is, in love with a man that adores her equally, that doesn’t mind a few nights out with her friends, that kisses the ring on her finger whenever they are holding hands and laughs too loudly at their jokes. Maybe, Doah is one of those lucky people who just have everything in life or…she just deserved it. Soft heart, realistic nature, seriousness, all things that describe her. “So, since the youngest of our team has been going through a tough break-up and questioning everything that has to do with life.”

Okay, so perhaps she should have gone for a beer instead of simplistic root beer. “That’s not the case.”

“It is.” Miwoo points out in a slur before nodding towards Doah. “What’s the plan? Strippers?”

“No.” Doah scrunches up her nose with a laugh before showing the screen to all the three women in front of her. “Break Them Up.” She reads, her phone showcasing an application much like a dating one, instantly showing bars to complete with matters such as name, age, ubication and such. “It’s an app my husband took part of. Basically, it has the mindset of a dating app but what makes it different is that people post pictures of their special someone or pictures of them as a couple and lists the other person’s phone number and the reason as to why they want to break up with them, and it’s up to you to break them up. If you fulfill the mission, you get more points—”

“And you break someone’s heart.” Seola says. “That’s just…mean.”

“It’s life.” Doah finishes, shrugging her shoulders. “Besides, it’d teach her that all people can go through a break-up, and some of them can be even messier than hers.”

Miwoo, preoccupied even when she is drunk, takes a seat on the couch with a huff before looking at her. She hates this, being pitied, as if a part of her had died and they are looking for a way to tell her that she is just a mere ghost now. “Do you want to try it?”

Snatching her phone away from Doah’s grasp, she clicks her tongue. “Who do you think you’re talking to? I take risks in life, of course I’m doing this.”

The cheers that follow soon after are enough to lift her up, tapping her name down along with some necessary information and a few pictures of her. Actually, it’s clear as day that this application was inspired on a dating site.

But the weight is not lifted off her shoulders when she gets her first mission, a couple that has been together for a month and the guy wants to simply tell the girl that it was only meant to be a hook-up. After all, the talk that suffices after texting the girl in question is all about how ‘men will never understand how difficult it is to fall in love with them’ and she agrees. It basically takes a snap of Doah’s fingers and a glide on her next mission for her to coming back to life, to feel like there is purpose here—not breaking up people for the mere satisfaction of doing so, but because she needs to. Toxicity shall come to an end, just like how this mindset of always being in a relationship should have its conclusion in society for one and all. The only thing she needs is remind herself that she is not anyone’s half, not Tsubasa’s, not anyone else’s. She could have anyone she wanted if she put her mind into it, as a complete woman.

It takes a few swipes and some break-ups later for her to feel more at ease and finally come to the latest of the night, at two in the morning at that. The name reads Hyunae and Hyungwon, showing a picture of what seems to be two lanky and tall individuals, though the guy immediately captures her attention. Standing right in front of a café, the two are seen holding each other on their arms, but his thick lips are drawn into a small smile, his eyes turned into upside down C’s out of pure happiness. His face structure and long black hair is already enough to have her smiling, figuring out why in the hell he would want to break up with his equally as gorgeous girlfriend. As it turns out, it is not Hyungwon that wants to break up with Hyunae but the other way around…

“Who would even want to break up with this guy?” She speaks over a whisper, Seola fast asleep in her room, only Miwoo and Doah staying with her in the room. Miwoo is having a glass of water, meanwhile Doah leans forward to capture the picture on the screen, smiling at the couple in it. “He’s mad cute.”

“What’s the reason she wants to break up with him?”

“He’s boring, apparently.”

“Oh my God, of course he’d be boring.” Miwoo breathes out into the thin air, the stench of beer clinging into it. “…So? Text him.”

“…Should I?”

“You’ve texted others. Why can’t you do it now?”

Well, it’s quite a different reason—while most of her life she had been in love with one man, absolutely attracted to the overconfident businessman part of a company she had always wanted to be part of, Tsubasa, this is different. There is that flutter of interest deep in her gut, a flicker of her eyelashes that says she is just absolutely interested in whatever this Hyungwon guy has to offer. Boringness could not be an issue when there is a face like that in the game, and it may be a bad feeling to have…but if breaking him up with his girlfriend doesn’t bring her a bit of hope, she’d be lying.

“That’s right, I can do it.” Convincing herself, her fingers hover over the number and she copies it, placing it down on a text and starting with a simplistic tone. “Hey! I saw your girlfriend posted you on Break Them Up, an application for…well, having people break up with your significant other. I hope you don’t mind me texting you, but Hyunae says she is bored of your relationship with her and wants to break up. Here’s a screenshot, in case you think I’m joking.” Though, guilt settles at the pit of her stomach. If Tsubasa had done something like that, she’d feel betrayed, disgusted, exposed in the worst of ways. This may be the peeking point of her bad ideas—

Sent. Read. Typing.

Hiding her face in her friend’s shoulders, the three dots mock her endlessly. Firstly, all she receives is a short ‘okay’ that does nothing to help the guilt that lingers on her brain. Instead, she watches as he continues to play with his typing tool, because the three dots appear again and again, disappear and appear in what could translate into shock—heartbreak, too.

“…I can’t believe she’d out our relationship like that.”

Pushing her hair away from her face, the beer buzzing up in her body and blurring a bit of her sight when she tries to tie the threads of this conversation. “If it works for you, I’ve also gone through a break-up.”

Little to no silence, he continues, her friends long forgotten in the background, perhaps looking over her shoulder. “Ah, I see.”

“It’ll get better for both of us.” She types.

“How’d you know?” He replies, bringing a soft smile on her features. She doesn’t, that is, maybe it’ll get worse. Maybe, she won’t love again. Maybe, Tsubasa had carved his name on her waist for when he’d wrap his arms around it and sing those oh-so-hatred rock songs that he’d blast early in the morning. Seven years, how does one get over seven years?

With a rebound, that’s how the two of them get over this. If things go right, that is, the buzz is not making her think straight. “You’re not that bad looking. I’m sure you’ll get someone else in the blink of an eye.”

“Haha,” The first response says. “I guess, but it’s not about that.”

“What is it about?”

“Years lost in someone who’d do this to me, I guess.”

“Huh…I get you, in my case it was seven years.”

A moment of hesitation, shown in the way the three dots disappear and soon after, they appear again. “I don’t think I’ve gotten your name. Are you sure you want to share that information with someone equally as heartbroken?”

Giggling to herself and leaning on her back, she lets out a sigh, hearing one of her friends complaining about the lack of information once she moves from their grasps. “I overshare, that’s my thing. Though…you know what? Yes, it’s only fair I share my name.”

And that she does, drunkenly talking to some man and trying her best not to fuck up her grammar along the way, drinking another bottle of beer to feel the liquid go past her throat in courage. Heartbroken, perhaps disheartened at this point, this is still no enough for her not to take risks—much less when there is a handsome, clearly single man that embarks in conversation with her. Soft, not flirty, just…the perfect amount of chill before she feels herself drifting off to sleep, cushions harshly pressed to her back.

###

Her name, spoken through a cheery tone, cuts through the thin air while she reads over her schedule for the week. The morning is tiresome, the long dress over her body clinging to the back of her thighs uncomfortably, trying to remember if she put on mascara on one eye when she had done her makeup…albeit a bit sleepy. This week had consisted of nothing but spending time with her friends, more than simply drinking, but touching the sky in long walks until they reached spots of the city that they didn’t know, or in dinners where speech is not necessary, only the healing atmosphere lingering within her.

That is the reason of her lack of sleep. Earfuls late at night, of gossip and stories she knows about but never gets tired of.

“Yes, Jinhee?”

The woman with a cap placed over her head peeked through her door before opening with a big smile, plush cheeks coated in a layer of peach dust. “Morning.” She says.

A smile appearing on her face, she decides that the heat and the lack of sleep won’t ruin her day. “Good morning, Jinhee. Why do I have the benefit of seeing you so early in the morning?”

Shame, she reads all over her face, not a typical feature to see in an office full of motivational speakers. If anything, all she gets to hear are chants of how good their lives are…and how it could only get better from now on. Bad pasts long gone, not living their ‘happily-ever-after’s’. “Well, uh, you see…you get the benefit to see someone else this morning—”

“Oh, sure. It’d have to be quick, though, I have some talk with an elementary child and his parents, because his teacher expressed he has been unmotivated—”

“Tsubasa is here.”

A man she hasn’t seen in well over two months, one that has her sighing deeply when he appears behind Jinhee, his thin eyebrows lifted in the smile he gives her. Golden skin that matches the bath of sunlight hat gets through her windows, moles that she has kissed over and over again framing his face, thick glasses that he can’t take off for anything moving under his smile. Her name, again, called into the density of such situation when Jinhee slips away, leaving her alone with Tsubasa.

“…Shouldn’t you be at work?”

While resting the flowers he brought with her on her desk, igniting the place in even more colors, she feels like her life is being drained of them. Him, in a suit; her, in a dress. A perfect match, she once had thought, as if their constant break-ups and arguments were normal. As if seeing life like a newspaper—gray, black, white, planned, written, filled with bad news, is what a relationship should feel like. Seven years, a first love, too many nights of wrapping herself up with him that she doesn’t know what could be more loveable than what they had, bad or not. “I was, but I asked for permission to visit you.”

“Then, go back.” She replies, pointing her finger towards her closed door enthusiastically. “You shouldn’t even be here in the first place. I already kicked you out of my life once, don’t make me do it again.”

Though, when he is looking out of her windows, always in need of the Sun to feel like she truly is happy and alive, she doesn’t think anyone will ever fill that void that she dares to call love, just him. Pushing it, that’s what motivational speakers do—to finish the race even if it hurts, to always come at first place, to hold onto the memories and look for something great. He’s the best, though, when his fingers glide across the spot in which she usually kept his gifts at, though not anymore. Needless to say, it has been difficult to get rid of him, and he notices. “You redecorated.”

“Don’t ignore me.”

“I’m just pointing out—”

“Well, yes, some things change.” She doesn’t let him finish, protecting herself knowing that he is never quite as calm as this. They will always collide; him for being intense, her for never accepting that something could go wrong in their relationship. Not everything is about happiness, just like not everything should be about complaining. His back leans against the desk, inspecting her face like the immaculate man he is—serious, calm, relaxed, with a bomb hidden in the depths of his heart.

“I know, but I don’t want you to change.” Tsubasa utters, the long strands of his hair pushed back by some gel, and she has to close her eyes and look away in order not to remember the times in which she’d see him with adoration at the beginning of their relationship, threading her fingers through his hair as he brushed his teeth late at night. Even simplistic things like that had her in love. “…Sure, I shouldn’t have come here without telling you, but today…I was told to find a scriptwriter for one of our commercials, supposed to motivate people to be better, happier.” A shuddering breath follows. “I could only think of you.”

“Out.” She threatens, voice soft when she tries to move towards the door. “I’m trying to forget seven years of us fighting, Tsubasa. I don’t want to just work with you.”

He nears her, hands wrapping around her wrists delicately, looking for her face when his usual cologne engulfs the expanse of her nostrils, up her body, engraved in the area of memory in her brain. “You’ve wanted this forever, though.”

That, he had listened to. The company he works for, a good executive of it to be exact, had been on her wish-list for as long as she could remember. Apart from making a few students feel more confident in reaching their happiness, she wants to do something more. Commercials with short catchphrases and incredible visuals, some of the type that Tsubasa’s company does, ones that could bring people to tears and up their beds to do something for their lives.

But…what is she doing for her life as of now? Accepting every offer that Tsubasa gives her?

Looking at his lips, thin and a bit curved, chapped—he should really drink more water, she used to say—and missing him. Because, once someone constructs a home, it doesn’t matter that the ceilings are falling or that the cushions of the couches dig into their skin so uncomfortably they can’t lay in peace, the only thing that matters, and wrongly so, is that it is…your home.

“I’ve already talked to my boss about you. They want you on the team. Better payment than whatever you get here—” He speaks excitedly, something unlike him, when he smiles at her. Beaming, he is, maybe there is hope within him that she’ll be able to forgive the tears they both shed, the nights in which staying in the same bed felt like being continents apart. “We can get through this, together. We just need time to remember why exactly we fell in love.”

His body shelters the Sun from the windows and what she wants to do right now is impossible. What she would do was she a weaker person would be wrap her arms around his neck and kiss him like nothing ever mattered, as if taking a bite of the prohibited fruit will make her immune to it. Instead, she really ponders on this—he is sheltering her Sun, and he has been doing it for the entirety of their relationship. Vice-versa, too, she is not a saint in this situation. “I can’t.”

Air is pushed towards her face in the form of a scoff. “Yes, you can.”

“I can’t—”

“Stop being stubborn. You’re the first one that says that people can do anything as long as they put their minds into it!”

Her hands push at his chest, the sound of his pristine shoes colliding against his flooring suddenly leaving her in a trance. Panic, that is what it is, she is not used to lying…at least, not in something as specific as that. What is the reason as to why she has redecorated everything, erased him from her life and even denying a good job because she doesn’t want to see him? “I can’t because…” A look around the room, uncertainty, one more word from him and his voice will cut through her soul, leaving her bleeding, needing him more than anything in the world. “…Because I have someone else, and I know you’ll get angry because of this.”

The world doesn’t shatter—not for her, but for Tsubasa it seems to. His jaw tightens, eyes squinting before rolling them subsequently. “Right, yeah, you have a new man. You expect me to believe that?”

Certainty is what he speaks, as if he is so sure she can’t get a new man…and sure, it is not a reality, but it could damn well be if she simply let go of him. “Believe it, Tsubasa. I could call my man just about now to be a polite and nice civilian to show you exactly what a real person is.”

Thick breaths, tension, one step closer, two of them at that when he takes her phone from her desk and pushes it towards her hand before nodding. “…Call him, then. Tell him to speak up if he’s so brave.”

Well, fuck.

She really thought her hot-headed, quite reserved ex-boyfriend would accept her humongous lie.

Fingers hovering over her screen, they rush to find whatever number does not belong to a friend of hers, is a man’s set of digits and could potentially have her ex-boyfriend convinced that she is seeing someone else. “And video-call, too. I want to see him.”

“I don’t owe you any explanations, I don’t know why I am even doing this.”

Tsubasa’s fingers press his glasses up on his nose, chuckling shortly at her words, though a smile does not appear on his features. “Because it’s a lie?”

“He’s not.” She finishes, pressing on the last contact she sees in her hunt and bringing the device up her face. Tsubasa appears beside her in the matter of seconds, praying that the person on the screen doesn’t think she is an absolute insane woman once he picks up.

“Your new boy is taking a bit longer than anticipated.”

“Some people work, you know?”

“Sure. What’s his job?”

Answerless, for Tsubasa has always been smart, too smart for his own good, reason as to why he has such a nice position in his job and why he frowns when he sees Hyungwon splayed on her screen, squinting his eyes at the scenery in front of him and pushing his plump lips in a line. He’s confused, quite a bit taken aback, and she realizes now that some drunken conversation is clearly not the necessary subject for her to be calling him (clarification: video-calling him) in the middle of the morning, with her ex-boyfriend by her side, nonetheless. “Hello, Hyungwon. Are you busy right now?”

“Kind of…I’m on my aperitive break.” Aperitive break? Who even has those? “But…yes, I am free now, nice to see you. What can…I help you with?” Hesitation on his face is quite the sight, much more when he wraps those rosy lips around the straw of what seems to be his iced coffee. Before she could answer, however, Tsubasa speaks over her.

“I’m her ex-boyfriend and she’s been meaning to tell me you’re her new guy. Is that true?” He asks, panic filling her body when she sees Hyungwon widening his eyes, looking at her, then at him, then back at her. His body is frozen for a few seconds, or maybe the connection failed on her, she is not sure anymore.

Hyungwon’s finger is at the perfect timing to simply swipe his finger over the red button on the red of the screen and forget this moment even existed. Instead, he pushes a bit of his sandwich inside his mouth, the sound of a child speaking in the fair distance taking her off guard. Does he have children…or…? “Y—Yes.” Through a mouthful of food and with flushed cheeks, he answers. “That would be me.”

Tsubasa frowns at this, instead continuing with the conversation. “Huh, how so? How did you meet her?”

“Tsubasa, you’re my ex, not my dad. Stop—”

“…Dating apps?” Hyungwon almost chokes on his food when he says this, even surprising himself and she tries her best not to show her surprise at how good this is going.

“You tried dating apps?” Her ex asks.

“…After we broke up, I guess.” Lie. If anything, she only tried that break-up app in which she had discovered Hyungwon in…but who is Tsubasa to know that?

With fingers threading through his black hair and his gray hoodie pooling around the edges, Hyungwon cuts through the dense air. “Hey…uh, dude, my guy, whoever you are…I’d be thankful if you just left her alone?” The uncertainty in his tone must have gone unnoticed by Tsubasa, who turned to look at the camera with anger. This is what she gets for lying, more lies to keep on the long run. “Yeah, leave her alone. It’s over between you two.”

Pointing towards her door before opening it with the same hand, she hums. “Out you go, Tsubasa.” Though, it pains her to see the expression on his face, one that reads betrayal. Though not together, their story is difficult to get rid of…and lying to him feels like a part of her body is being plucked away so slowly that it is difficult to breathe. “…Sorry.” She whispers when she sees the man pass by, the door closing in front of her eyes with a loud bang and the memory that she never meant to break his heart.

But it’d be good for them.

Being away is the only way they can be happy, even when it doesn’t seem like it.

“Was that sorry for me or…?” Hyungwon’s deep and soft-spoken tone cuts through her thoughts, making her look up towards the camera, smiling at him briefly before nodding her head.

“Yes, sorry…” She trails, moving towards her desk and sitting down, releasing that one breath that had caged inside her, trapping her as its slave. “He came back to offer me some job…but I needed to decline. I don’t want to work around him.”

Understanding, he seems to be, nodding his head when he plays with the edge of his straw. “He didn’t seem too nice. What did you see in him?”

It’s small talk and yet, she can’t help but chuckle at this. Leaning her head back while still keeping her phone straight, the Sun almost burning her pupils but she enjoys the feeling of being warm, with him, in solitude, however way it comes. Opening up to him comes easily, a stranger that she likes to talk about for the sake of feeling like she can still capture the attention of someone handsome, seven years after being absolutely off the dating radar. “He gets what he wants. He always did. I needed someone who…would not be afraid to take risks.” She almost wants to laugh at the reminder as to why he had captured her attention. “I’ve known him for almost all my life, he’s a sweet guy…we just don’t work well together. We’re the type of people that fix things. I think I can’t ever live through sadness…” The truth spills her lips, well-aware that her obsession with happiness is only hurting her, and she doesn’t even look at Hyungwon’s expression when she speaks about her reality. “And he’d do anything to get to where he wants. It’s not like that in relationships…you can only fix something so much until it gets broken permanently.”

The deep words have Hyungwon sighing, looking down when she chooses to look at him. This is how they are, reaching but never holding, simply speaking to a stranger, wanting to take the risk of being vulnerable. “…It was the opposite with my ex and I,” He says. “The first time I met her, she was one of those models in stores. The ones that sit by the windows and showcase clothing while pretending to be mannequins. I really bought her entire outfit simply to get her attention.” Laughter, maybe he had enjoyed that day, but it dies down quickly when he shakes his head, instead his eyes filled with longing when he looks up at her. “…And when she asked: ‘Who are you giving this to?’. That outfit, that is. I could only think of her so I said ‘you’.”

Her lips quirk up in a small smile at that, warmed by the gesture. “That’s sweet.”

“She wanted those kinds of gestures throughout the relationship, though. It was draining, in a way…” Hyungwon mumbles, breathing through his nose with those same babbles of children in the background. “I enjoy quietness, simply talking and enjoying everything in simplicity. I don’t need to show someone I love them by doing extravagant things.”

“Right.”

“…Sorry, am I oversharing?”

“I love to listen, don’t worry.” She replies, pushing her elbows against the desk, digging deeply into the crevices of her skin with its rough wood. “I understand, in a way, I really do.”

“How?”

“The last few years of my relationship with Tsubasa, my ex, were…all about screaming, arguing…all of the like.”

“Oh.”

Once again, a weird metaphor comes up to her brain, typical of her moments of motivational speaking. “It reminds me of this one washing machine I have in my apartment. That thing is rusty, but I ask for it to be fixed every time. I can’t get rid of it…it came with the house and I really do think I can fix it, even when it screeches like a wild animal when it is washing my clothes.” The sweet laughter that escapes his lips, melodious to listen to, brings a smile to her face when she looks at her clock and sees that it is about time for her to leave to her first speech of the day. “I need some quiet. Getting rid of my relationship, getting rid of my washing machine—”

“We can be quiet together.” He prompts, before shaking his head at the sound of his voice. “Oh, shit, my bad, I probably sounded—”

“No.” She says. “We can be quiet together.”

###

The waltz of the morning is eventful, once again followed by a motivational speech for her. She tries to feel more at ease—happier, because working with kindergarteners with a frown on her features is not exactly what she should be doing. The walls are painted in colors of yellow and blue, the small classroom taking her off guard when she takes a glimpse from the windows outside, watching the number of teachers that are oh-so-gladly talking to their students about the next section of their day. Small, they are, probably not a day over five years old, with attentive looks on their faces that could not match the ones that she normally gets from older students, all in distaste or disinterest in her rants about a happy life.

Well, they are older…and life has always taught that the older someone gets, the more is expected from them; hence happiness is a benefit rather than a necessity. To her, happiness needs to be a certainty, because the chirping of birds still exists, along with her group of friends; there are people in this world that had it worse than her and still, she gets to complain. Heartbroken, she feels, though she doesn’t look like it—always thinking of Tsubasa; if he has eaten or not, if he is sleeping soundly now that she is not in the picture.

The door opens in a swish, present reuniting with past and bringing her back to her reality. After knocking on the door, she had stood and waited to let her in, grasping her bag in between her fingers, moving back and forth, unable to stay in place—quite a lot like her—. The person in front of her, however, is completely still. Serious, even. Soft yet powerful, a gush of fresh air when her eyes widen and she inspects his features. Small face marked by prominent lips, long—longer than the last time she saw him on that video-call—and black hair framing his features.

Able to forget, she is, when she looks at his features and gets to see a hint of a smile, whispering out his name as if not to disturb the students.

“Hyungwon? You’re a kindergarten teacher?” Part of her had imagined that the wails and babbles of children in the background of their call had come from Hyungwon and his children. Apparently, this is not the case.

Flushed cheeks and a good look at her features, his eyes caress her face in the gentlest of stares when he says. “Yes…You’re the motivational speaker?”

“…Yes,” She adds rapidly. “I mean, it probably makes sense now. I was trying to make you feel better after I was asked to break up with you—”

“It does make sense. Someone can only tell you it’ll be alright about a thousand times before it starts to get suspicious.”

“Good thing I said it nine hundred ninety-nine times.”

Hyungwon chuckles, opening the door wider for her to enter in such a place. The children are already looking at her with curiousness, her eyes taking in each of them. One of them in the front row is eating what seems to be a sandwich, unlike everyone else who is listening intently, crumbs of bread imparted unevenly on top of fluffy cheeks. Another one immediately waves at her, on the end of the row of seats, giving her an eventful smile and surprisingly enough, there is one of them that stands up and clings to Hyungwon’s leg, his long fingers coming down to pat the black head of hair.

“Guys, we should all sit down and listen to our dear friend.”

“Yes, Teacher Hyungwon!” Some say in unison, grinning when Hyungwon moves to the back of the class with his kindergarten student, sitting him down beside him before looking ahead. Whilst she places her bag down on the nearby desk, not forgetting to greet the other teachers, she can’t help but get a bit fidgety under his gaze—curious, he is, and it has only downed on her that this complete stranger is not one in its entirety.

Speaking comes easier from then on, rambling just like how she knows how to do, capturing the attention of the little children that help her out along the way, asking them questions, making them play around in order to have more trust in themselves and others. Interactive would fall short as a word for what she is doing and how gratifying it feels to be heard, for once and for all, speaking as quickly as she does, as invested in the nature of making others feel better, even when she is not feeling her best.

The impossibility of leaving is palpable when some of the students beg her to stay, even more after she had a connection with them, wanting her to take part on their lunch time. That’s how she finds herself near the window, magnet of everything that has to deal with the Sun, knees bent under the small table, plopping a bit of rice in between her lips. The students are talking to her happily, more than glad to have a ‘teacher’ that is just as hyper as they are, barely able to stand in one place without moving to the other. They ask and ask and ask, never getting tired of her and it’s the most heart-warming thing that has ever had the opportunity to cross her path in the last few months.

If she is not counting the man that moves towards her with sure steps, sitting across from her with his own plate of lunch, his tall and lean body barely captured under the comprising stance of the table in which she is seated at. Hyungwon gives her a shy smile, one of those that lift the apples of his cheeks and make him look quite awkward, though their silence lasts a short amount of time when they both call each other’s names, laughing at their own antics.

With him, it feels natural to simply be…shameful. It feels as though she doesn’t have to worry about the world because with him alone, she’s able to forget about the things that fly around her head in matters of worry. This is exactly what she needs, kaleidoscopes of images forgotten in the back of her brain.

“I meant to ask you—” She stops herself for a moment when one of the children feeds her a spoonful of rice, and this feels exactly how young parents are probably like. They can’t even speak without having one of their children interrupting them. “How is it that you ended up being a teacher?” She asks, earning a glance from Hyungwon that simply shrugs his shoulders.

His fingers go to help one of the younger students eat, doing motions with his mouth to represent chewing, and the little one understands perfectly. This kind of relaxed, laidback mindset of his is intoxicating, in a way that she can feel herself smiling just from his sight alone. “I don’t know.” He explains. “One day…I had to be an adult, and I had to pick something to do. Part of me knew that society is already difficult on its own, so I wanted to go to the root of it all.” His words are a bit jumbled, as if he’s embarrassed of what he is saying, mouth parting in a small smile when he feeds some more to this one student. “Children are the future, so if I can make children be educated, kind, nice to one another…intelligent but not pretentious about it, then I’ve already done something good for society.”

Warmed by her words and finding the logic in the thread of thoughts that had gone through his mind when choosing his career, she hums. “That’s…smart. I’ve never thought of it that way.”

“Bad teachers make bad students.” He answers, looking over at her while he holds his hand under the boy’s chin. “Ria, eat your food, please. Stop playing with it.” He softly says to one of the students across from him, earning a giggle and a sigh from himself. “What about you? What was the reason behind being a motivational speaker?”

Understanding, that’s what he is. She hates herself for looking at him with stars in her eyes, studying the hoodie over his body and how his hair grazes against it, watching the calm look on his features and the moisture of his lips, a ghost of a kiss passing through her head. Attraction that comes with liveliness, this fleeting air that makes her feel weightless. Lightweight, and ready to be caught. “I was always a hyper girl,” She says. “People used to say: “use that word for something, use those mannerisms to inspire people!” and I thought that was the road that I had to take.” Playing around with her rice and the egg on top of it, she takes another bite before sighing. “It reminds me to be happy, too.”

Hyungwon’s eyes soften at that, nodding his head along with her. “Happiness is the goal, yes.”

“Do you think…?” Her voice comes short when she tries to think of her question. “Do you think I do a great job at motivating people?”

His eyes crinkle at that, a smile that she has never seen from him when he frantically nods. “You are the one that has inspired me to get over my ex.”

“And vice-versa.” She says, pointing at him before Hyungwon presses his lips together, the sound of wails cutting the atmosphere like scissors going over paper. He stands up immediately, just at the same time that she does. “Let me help you.”

“…Are you sure you have nothing else to do today?” He asks mindfully, walking and hearing the sound of her footsteps beside him, aware of him when he kneels to pick up the child that is crying, talking to them through a soft tone. “Hey, hey, easy. You dropped your food; we can get you some more.” He speaks, finding the Sun in him when he stands in front of said window. Tall, he is, but he doesn’t cover the Sun, rather radiates with it, shines a light that leaves her astounded.

Surely, he is handsome…but something about him is inviting, calming, everything that she hasn’t had in the last seven years with— “I probably won’t have any other day like this with you, so let me prolong it a bit.”

Hyungwon chuckles at that, patting the student’s back while he speaks to her. “You don’t have to think like that.”

“Why?”

Awkwardness, he always radiates such thing when he is ashamed—or maybe, embarrassed. She notices that, moving back and forth on the heels of her feet, always moving, needing to go to the next thing, think of the next subject before coming blank. Staying quiet is never her thing, but it seems to be his. “We could definitely see each other again if you wanted to.”

“Do you want to?” She asks.

“I’d love to have some meal with you without sitting by a table I can’t even sit by, so…yes?” Joy overtakes her, lips moving along with her throat to let laughter caress the air in between the two. “If you want to, of course.”

Letting go, oh, what a precious thing to be thinking about when she utters out a small: “Huh, I was thinking the same thing, maybe we should make it happen.”

###

This street will always hold the melody of Hyungwon’s voice, walking by her side, a reminder that comes from that day at the kindergarten classroom in which she realized that, when walking back to her home, Hyungwon takes the same route. Nowhere nearby, they live, but close enough that it’s a ten-minute walk…and they’d meet if only their schedules lined up.

But now, when the Sun is barely hiding and the sky is in its rosy tint, Hyungwon is walking by her side. Waited, he had done, even when it had taken her a good hour and a half to get there, meeting up with him thanks to her rushing and loud strides against the sidewalk. A few distractions happen on the way home, whatever way shown in the way they are holding onto cotton candy, eating happily while having cheerful conversations.

She had gotten to know a bit about Hyungwon, enough for her to think of him as a daydream. Lover of coffee, definitely not one to think heavily of the future but he enjoys his present, he’s strict but deep behind all that, he’s kind. Retorts and remarks are often with him when he has something to say and oh, he’d live for some gossip but wouldn’t even be able to confess it if she asked him. He moves slowly, almost like he is sleepy when he walks, or that he really wants to meet up with that promise she had given him in the classroom a few weeks ago. To prolong the moment, to not think for the minutes in which they are together.

It’s hard for her to concentrate for long periods of time. Tsubasa knew this, lived with it, sometimes had to explain twice when she blanked out, but what she’d receive was a sigh at most. Hyungwon, however, makes sure to engulf her in enough information for her to catch on, patience at its finest. So different, in a way, and yet a subject of comparison. Sometimes, it’s difficult not to do so and while munching on her cotton candy, the treat dissolving on her tongue while Hyungwon speaks about this one student that had made his heart almost explode out of adorableness, the sound of screeching, shouting, heartbreak seeps through her ears, widening her eyes when she catches the couple that are fighting right in front of some restaurant near her apartment complex.

“Do you think that always happens in relationships?”

Hyungwon tries to look for the source of her question, connecting his gaze to the sight that has made her curious, and he simply puckers up his lips in response. “I don’t know…I’m not sure.” The answer saddens her, continuing her walk along with him even when passing by the couple.

“I used to think that this ‘forever-and-ever’ happens to everyone.” She starts once again, the talk of love nowhere near spoken in between the two. Flirting has happened, but it’s different to talk about a serious outlook of love. “I used to think that I’d find it someday, too.”

Hyungwon brings a slice of the cotton candy up to his lips, reddening them even more. “You can’t be certain it won’t happen. You’re still young.” And with that promise alone, she lifts her gaze, her steps becoming slower the more she nears her apartment complex.

“What about you? Do you think it will happen to you?” She complies, memories ever so precious of him being held the moment he stands in front of the building that meets her home, taking his last bite of cotton candy before sighing deeply.

“…Maybe…” He tells her, a faint smile appearing on his features when he lifts his eyebrows. “Are you curious?”

“Maybe.” She mocks his tone, taking the small papers that held the cotton candies they had and trashing them in a bin nearby before returning towards him. Hyungwon’s eyes, looking at her for a goodbye, have her fidgeting more than usual, playing with the edge of her shirt, tightening her fingers, unleashing them from their hold and finally, saying something. “It’s up to you if something happens…in that case…” She tries to hint, looking at him and comparing him in every way possible. He’s skinnier, taller, definitely different from Tsubasa. He’s not a man that she has known for her entire life, but someone that she barely knows…and that’s thrilling on its own, exciting, enough to set her ablaze because, for a second, she thinks she sees interest in his eyes.

Is that good? Perhaps, it’s bad to let go, it’s bad to look for someone else and want to feel loved under the gaze of another person. It’s bad enough that Hyungwon nears her, hand hovering over her waist before pressing down on it. Different, this is different, and that is exactly what she needs. To feel like the Sun is burning her, but in the best of ways, even when it is long into the night. “One step at a time, though.” He says. “…I want to ease into this.”

“Me, too.” She replies, fisting the fabric of his shirt and bringing him towards her, the movement of her dress against her legs the only motion that reminds her this is not a freeze frame. She counts his eyelashes, the faint gleam on the tip of his nose, his thick lips that she had wished to kiss from the moment she saw him in a picture with his ex. She chuckles at that, fluttering her eyelashes at him. “Is it too quick for me to say I really like you, though?”

“Depends.” Hyungwon tilts his head to the side, playing with a strand of her hair with his free hand. “Is it too quick for me to say I want to kiss you?”

“I’d be offended if you didn’t kiss me after implying that.”

His face leans forward, enough for her to look into his eyes just as they look down at her lips. “I don’t know…” He teases, giggling at his own words before resting a brief kiss on her lips. “Is that enough?”

Looking for gravity, she wraps her arms around his neck. This feeling is exactly what she has been looking for, to be clouded in someone’s hold to the point she couldn’t even think of anything else. The weighty feeling of him when she presses his lips into his, this time in a soft yet not so fleeting manner, is enough to have butterflies appearing on the depths of her stomach, but not enough to feel her heart combust in absolute delight. She’d get used to this, to the glide of his lips against hers that is different from anything else she has ever had. He’s delicate, with purpose, but not completely on the loving stance. If anything, it feels like dipping a finger into the ocean.

Though, the feeling of the soft muscles of his back contracting when she runs her fingers over them is enough to have her smiling against the kiss, but diving in once again. In reality, this is better than she could have expected, only pulling away when the security guard by the door opens it widely, clearing his throat with poise.

“Are you entering, Miss?”

While still holding onto Hyungwon, his hands searching anywhere else but her body, she speaks in a sweetened tone towards him. “I don’t know, Hyungwon. Are we entering?”

“W—We…?” Hyungwon asks softly, seeing the big traces of a smile on her features when relief washes over his body. “Yes, we are.”

His fingertips slot in between hers, holding her lazily while they enter the building, a reminder for her to get used to the differences between the past and the future.

It takes a man to forget another, as it seems.

###

In the blink of an eye, it becomes difficult to even imagine a time in which Hyungwon isn’t in her head.

His students asking for her, her friends that couldn’t stop talking about her ‘cute and mysterious’ boyfriend, and most importantly, the amount of times she has to push the thought of him into her life simply to feel like she has someone to look forward to, a source of happiness that she should get attached to. Even when he is right in front of her, the Japanese restaurant packed with different individuals, all chatting with excitement, she can only keep thinking of him. Maybe, this is exactly what she needed, to have someone else that makes her feel…alive.

Different, he has always been, in the way he holds her with such simplicity but still looks at her with all the intent. Never falling apart, just calmly letting the breeze direct their paths together, enjoying nothing more than the time they get to spend together. Sometimes, it surprises her that there is not even the slightest of turbulence with Hyungwon, now seated in front of her and tipping his head back to down a bit of the wine they had ordered with their meal.

If happiness is this, the way his face contorts with the sweet taste before giving a smile to her, then she wants to be able to forget everything. The burning sensation of his plump lips passing across her skin feels right, but it isn’t called love for any of them.

Letting go has been the meaning of their relationship, how it developed even from the littlest of actions. Attraction, it is, the calmness of him bringing her to a sense of peace, but comparing each other seems to be the root of their upcoming issues. Pasts of previous relationships are what translate into their motions, blurring their judgements of each other. Someone’s favorite color is one thing, but the way they touch the other is the same way they reached for someone else. It’s difficult to get used to another body, to threaten to erase every bit of attachment in order to grow another root of love.

It doesn’t work like that.

“Drink slower,” She tells him, her chopsticks picking a bit of sushi in between them. The Japanese restaurant they went to is common for them, one of the many take-out meals that they have, the decorations on the ceilings golden, the rug in a dark shade of green, the trees bringing a sense of naturality even when they are inside. “The wine is not going anywhere.”

“We paid a lot of money for this wine, better enjoy it.” Hyungwon adds, leaning forward on his table before biting down on his bottom lip. His eyes scan her features, as if he wants to know the clouds of tiredness that fall under her eyes like the palm of his hand, or because he simply wants to forget every mole and trace of blemish that kisses her skin. “Did I tell you that I love when you wear that dress?”

A black dress, thin strapped dress that touched the ground softly, layered on top of a white t-shirt, that’s what Hyungwon is looking at, along with the pendant with his initial that wraps around her neck. When he said he was attentive yet quiet, he meant it. “You say that about every other dress.”

“…I don’t, stop.” Hyungwon comments, taking a bite of his own order of sushi and she smacks her lips in disbelief.

“I’m starting to believe you’re really fake.”

“I’m not the type to say I like something when I don’t.” And she knows this, one of the things she knows about Hyungwon, but no matter how much she scavenges for the little bits that make her feel like she’s in love with him, it has never happened. Likewise, for Hyungwon, the words had never left his lips and while adoration is there, it’s not exactly love they are working with. “You know what? I’m going to have more wine, considering we’re walking back.”

“I’ll have to drag you back to your place, though. Drink slower.” She retorts, a smile on her features when she leans forward and rests a soft kiss on his lips. “If only you had me like that wine.” She flirts, earning a chuckle from Hyungwon.

“…Spending lots of money on it and drinking it in one go because I have to make sure every penny it’s worth it?”

“Don’t ruin the moment.” Another brief peck is pressed against her lips before she sits back down on her seat, fixing the chopsticks in between her fingers when patting them against the plate. “Man, I really missed having some time with you. All I’ve been thinking this week is how I need to have some sushi with my boyfriend.”

“Jinhee is finally getting to your nerves.”

“People rarely get on my nerves, because I’m mostly the annoying one in the relationship.” She answers quickly, looking up at him for a brief second as if searching for an answer before giving another bite to her food. “But, man, this one student in one of those classes I went to was really testing it with me.”

“What did he say?” Hyungwon asks, interested.

“Hear this,” She starts. “Why are we supposed to feel motivated when you, yourself, must feel unmotivated from time to time?”

“He’s got a point.”

“I’m always happy!” That same fronting issue that goes on inside her heart burns at Hyungwon’s lips when he speaks out.

“You shouldn’t push yourself to always be happy.” He tells her, hand reaching forward until he squeezes the skin gently. “But…I’ll make sure you keep that sentence alive. You’ll always be happy.”

Warmth, heightening more and more as Hyungwon keeps drinking, only a few sips given by her and by the time an hour and a half has passed of the two eating, now enjoying desserts of their own, Hyungwon is drunken. His head is tilted back, the expanse of the elongated part of his body blossoming with a few reminders of the kisses she had pressed and marked there early on the week. His hair falls on top of his eyes, suddenly babbling more than he would, the quiet one of the relationship generally, a perfect listener until now, he wants to talk about everything.

Like her favorite movie, or the way her laugh sounds when she is really into a joke he tells. Things that he seems to remember about her, reminiscent of them perfectly the more he loses himself in his drink. When she finally pries the cup away from his hands, however, her boyfriend leans his weight forward and chuckles with his entire teeth, those crevices that she loves forming under his eyes when he clearly is trying to look cute in her book.

And maybe, it’s working.

And maybe, she can fall in love.

“I still remember our first trip,” But only in a month of being in a relationship, they still have yet to think of a trip. This brings a frown up her features, inspecting the way he grasps her fingers in his hold before placing his soft lips on top of them. Fleeting, like what they have for each other. “We went to…your family’s house,” Yet, Hyungwon had never gotten to know her family. “And I got to see that little room of yours. It was so cute.”

“Hyungwon, that didn’t happen.”

Soberness doesn’t overtake him, but he squints at her before chuckling a bit more awkwardly, resting his head against the table in his drunken state. “Right…” He whispers, looking up at her whilst his chin digs into the wooden material of the table. “I’d love to meet your family, though.”

A rebound, that is what she is, because Hyungwon is thinking of such a memory with adoration—confusing it with her in the line that they have traced between their pasts and their present. It only so happens that she can’t get angry at him for this, she can’t simply scold him for…loving someone else, when she doesn’t think she has fully stopped loving someone. Surely, she no longer likes Tsubasa as a person, but the longing deep in her soul will forever carve the name of the person that she had adored for seven years. “I’m sure you would…” She mumbles back, running her fingertips through his hair before sighing. “Were you thinking of Hyunae?”

“…I confused things, sorry.” His rough voice fills the air softly when he holds her hands tightly. “But don’t think I like you any less because of this.”

Like you.

Like.

Like, not love.

Why does that make her feel more at ease?

“You’re so cheerful and happy and loud. So funny, so…given to everyone. Whenever you enter a room, you’re ready to talk and make everything fun and I need that.” Hyungwon answers, looking up at her with glistening eyes before mouthing out a small: “Who would I prefer to be with than with you?”

Probably Hyunae, had she not left him. If everything had gone well with Tsubasa and it had been the first big fight instead of the thousandth one, maybe she’d be with him, too. Not to say she likes Hyungwon less or that she doesn’t sigh in utter happiness when he presses a kiss to her lips or when he laughs in absolute joy. She needs time, she promises herself, to get used to someone else. She’s fearful, perhaps she doesn’t want to be in the end of heartbreak again, to get so sick of love that she seeks for it more. “You don’t have to explain anything to me, Hyungwon. You were with her for long, I understand…but we’re moving forward, that’s the good thing.”

He realizes, probably, that she is in the same predicament. Sober, of course, he must have noticed.

Because she can’t let go.

Not completely. She would never go back to Tsubasa, but the memories keep haunting her.

Maybe, she could have done better.

Maybe, Hyungwon will end up fighting with her, too.

…Is love for everyone?

“I’ve already moved forward.” He explains, earning a breathy laugh from her when she slices a bit of his lemon pie, wanting to have a taste in contrast of her passion fruit one.

“We’ll get there, step by step, make memories of our own, you know?” Convincing, she means to sound, even to herself, wanting nothing more than to get rid of the second skin that has been clinging to her, holding her onto something that she isn’t anymore. It will be alright, she promises deep in her brain, relying on her vision to see more of the love of her life in him. “This is just a slip up. We knew it was going to be like this.”

“Right.” Hyungwon nods, curt in the way he tries to do so. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry.” She tells him, wanting to whisper something along the lines of ‘because I also go through the same thing’, needing to forgive herself for not forgetting, but she lets it die in the back of her throat.

Because she’s always happy, and slip-ups are not for her.

###

Trust me, how many times has she said those two words in the last fifteen minutes? A hundred times, probably?

Hyungwon’s apartment has almost become second nature for her to be in, and in between walking together back home, it was a habit to end up in his place. Right now, however, she wishes nothing more than to be able to kick him out of said place—even when she is not supposed to be doing so. Leaning against the sink, she is trying to apply mascara to her bottom lashes, widening her eyes, but eyebrows furrowed in such a way with trembling fingers to control her anger that she doesn’t think she’ll be able to get the makeup right without ruining it even the slightest.

The mirror shows the decency of Hyungwon, the pride of him as he stands in his pajamas by the bathroom’s door, leaning against it with his slim and long arms cradling his chest. His hair is decorating his angry features elegantly, plush lips pressed together, eyes scanning her every action when he finally does her the justice of speaking again, much more than he normally does, all thanks to the slightest thing she had mentioned earlier, just over twenty minutes ago.

“If you wanted to go back to his arms, you just had to tell me.”

He’s not the jealous type, he had once said, and he normally isn’t…but that fear he has of her going back to Tsubasa lingers within him, tickles at that insecurity that he holds in him and now explodes into their argument. Which, speaking of, have become more prominent in their relationship after that sly honeymoon phase. Hyungwon doesn’t like when she speaks too loudly when he’s trying to concentrate on grading tests—for kindergarteners, at that—and she absolutely dislikes the way he simply falls asleep when they try to go out on dates. She has grown more used to watching around his place, the accumulation of memoirs and reminders suddenly making her sick, than spending time with him.

Earlier this week, however, she had gotten yet another offer from Tsubasa’s workplace. This time it was not from Tsubasa, but from some man named Jooheon that was interested in having her in his informercial project. When thinking deeply about it, going to a big company and earning more money is never a bad thing—but to Hyungwon, it’s a clear sign that she is missing Tsubasa, or that he is the one that offered it to her, on the first place.

The latter makes more sense, and it’s the one he holds on to the most.

“Ugh, listen, I don’t want to get back with him. Stop prompting that I do.” She replies, landing her mascara down on her makeup kit with a slam. The mirror welcomes the sight of her, getting ready with a night out with her friends, some club that they wanted her to try out and while in any other day she would have given up a night of dancing to stay at home and watch movies with Hyungwon, this argument is making her want to leave more and more.

His eyes roll, not magically, just because he wants for her to see that he is annoyed. “Are you fucking kidding me? You don’t realize that he is the one that made this Jooheon guy call you?”

She turns around at that, looking up and down his body as if to minimize him. The blue walls of the bathroom feel even more tense the more they stare at each other, all cladded in reminders of Hyungwon. His toothbrush, his hair products, everything that would otherwise have her feeling like she is at home, but now making her feel suffocated. “Hyungwon, stop trying to put me as the cheater here. One, I would never do that to you. Two, he would never do that. I know him—”

“Oh, excuse me, yes, I forget that you’ve known him for your entire life and that you dated for seven years, so I’m always expected to know how he is just so…nice and caring and would never do something like this.” Hyungwon speaks in his low voice, never losing that poise that represents him. “As if he wasn’t the one that pressured you into calling some stranger to see who your new man was—”

“Well, I didn’t complain when you mixed Hyunae up with me. How many times have you thought about her when being with me?”

“I have never.” Though, she can’t believe him, now nearing him, a little bit more of height when she is wearing her heels, breathing deeply when she takes a good glance at his eyes. They are bored, of course he’s never going to show his true feelings. “Just like how I am not oblivious that she was not that nice. She asked some stranger to break up with me, and Tsubasa is clearly trying to get you into the job because he wants you back.”

“And I, the whore in this situation, would definitely go back to him. Is that what you mean?”

“No,” Hyungwon whispers. “But you’ve loved him for so long—”

“You need to understand me here! It’s not about how much I love him but it’s about me and my job and how some motivational speaker job is not taking me anywhere!”

Silence, that’s what surrounds this moment when Hyungwon utters out a tiny: “It’s about how you’ve loved him, but we’ve been together for months and I feel like you don’t love me.”

When a glass shatters, people try their best to grasp it before it lands on the floor. However, gravity is stronger. This is how this moment feels like, staring at him and the blue walls, suffocating her, because this is what she has been doing all along. Suffocating and suffocating, trying her best to forget to the point she has never forgotten at all. Hyungwon, though meaningful for her and possibly someone she loves now, will never be quite as strong as she had once had felt. Maybe, that is what adulthood does to her, it wears her off.

“Baby, it’s not about that…” She tries to reason, reaching up for his face and cradling his face. “I do care for you.”

“Care?” Hyungwon asks, lifting his eyebrows before getting away from her. She closes the door behind her in a hassle, following after his steps as she speaks in loud words.

“Yeah, care! I do care about you.”

His fingers wrap around her coat, tossing it at her with a sigh, nodding towards the door. “Call me when you get there and make sure you don’t drink too much.”

“Hyungwon—”

“If you care so much about me, just go out for tonight and let me think for once.” He replies, opening the door for her and holding his hand out with weaving fingers. “So? I’m waiting.”

Uneasily, the straps of her heels slip across her skin, clicking against the flooring and expecting Hyungwon to say something, turning around just in time to kiss him on the lips, but it feels as though he is dead, paralyzed, unable to move when she mumbles a small: “I love you.”

But it’s meaningless, of course it is.

The club is packed, ready to have anyone on the dance floor, drinking, smoking, living the best part of their lives, but instead her friends and herself are seated by the bar, simply talking beneath themselves about the issues that have interrupted her trains of thoughts ever since she got inside the taxi. The city could never quite feel as loud as her thoughts are, trying to recall since when it had become a habit for her to lie and if she really, sincerely, with all the might in her heart, thought that Tsubasa was not behind Jooheon’s intentions. After all, it could be some subconscious matter that is trying to push her back to the home she had gotten so used to, the one that she has tried to destroy with all the intention in the world.

The words go past her lips, reminiscent of every single argument they’ve had. One because he had fallen asleep when watching a movie. Another one because Hyungwon claimed that she was hiding from him, hence not saying anything when she was feeling gloomy. The screen that she had created for the movie of her life is suddenly projecting everything that is wrong, no longer a happy movie the more she downs sips of water, her friend’s attention on her. The second-nature of feeling comfortable with each other is falling into the realization that they are not really serious with one another, a reason as to why anyone would feel insecure in a long-lasting relationship. One that aims to be so, at least.

“Men are so stupid!” Miwoo says in between a shout, the music making them speak a bit louder than usual. She moves her hair off her shoulders, showcasing trained and tight shoulders. “I remember I used to be with this guy when I was in Paris for university and I swear…that guy ghosted me after it became serious. Some guy obsessed with travelling, like he really didn’t give two shits about my feelings.”

She nods softly, feet moving under the counter the more she thinks about the fight that had just ensued in Hyungwon’s apartment. “And he goes on to blame me, like I spent seven years in a relationship and got out of it, that’s my story. He shouldn’t think I’ll go and cheat on him or something—”

Seola is the next to speak, looking around to the masses of people dancing. “Besides, haven’t you been complaining about how he is boring?”

“Not in most occasions…” The answer is protective, mostly because she doesn’t want anyone hurting Hyungwon, but the anger that she feels within her bubbles up with the need of an outburst. “Doah should know about this, it’s just what happens after being with someone for a while. He just doesn’t try anymore. He doesn’t…initiate anything, you know? He simply expects for us to fall into this routine, like we have to plan each moment of our week, rules and all.”

“Maybe, he’s comfortable with you.” Doah tries to reason, the one that has more experience—and good one at that—in relationships. “…Like, sure, he should try harder, but you knew he’s a simple guy. Maybe, he just doesn’t want to do outlandish things but he needs…normal stuff.”

“I’m okay with that, totally!” She replies, looking ahead before puckering up her lips and sighing. “But there needs to be some spice.”

Seola scrunches up her nose at that, groaning. “Oh my God, no. We’re not talking about that together.”

“Not that kind of spice, Seola.” She tells her, tapping her finger against her cheek, trying to come up with that answer of what Hyungwon lacks. He’s funny, even when he doesn’t try, the type to be a bit awkward and yet, somewhat sassy. He’s got attitude, and yet he’s respectful, a sobering experience with his own strict nature, but still calm and serious. She’s liked this for as long as she knows him, but now it’s getting to her nerves. “The kind…you know…the kind that makes me think I really love him.”

“Didn’t you say you told him you loved him for the first time today?” Seola asks, only to have Miwoo sighing.

“Seola, of course she doesn’t mean it.”

Doah is the one to scoff at that. “But why? You were the one that initiated this relationship on the first place.”

“…B—Because…he’s just…he’s…” She’s answerless, looking up at the ceiling in hopes of finding something in the lights. She used to think that forever’s just come in shapes of unexplainable beings, that when someone is speechless it is something to be proud about. She wanted to shut up so badly, thanks to her past relationship, that she now comes short on what she wants to say. “He’s just…Hyungwon, and I don’t want to hurt him.”

Doah, one to say things straight, shakes her head in the matter of seconds. “You’ll hurt him and he’ll hurt you.”

The hand of Miwoo lands against her head. “Don’t say that!”

“They are using each other to get over their exes. Of course, they are not going to find reasons to love each other.” The conspiracy theory that Doah is voicing out has her parting her lips in surprise…because, like, that really isn’t it, right? She smacks her red lips together, reminiscent of how much Hyungwon likes to see her in that shade. She’s over Tsubasa, she just needs to love Hyungwon now— “Don’t get me wrong, you’re one of my best friends, but you need to stop lying to yourself. Hyungwon is in love with Hyunae, you’re in love with Tsubasa.”

“I’m not in love with him!” She replies, sincerity in her tone when she grips her chest. “I really don’t feel an ounce of love for him anymore…I don’t like him anymore, either. I just want to be happy.”

Seola, one that had been quiet for a little bit, rubs the back of her neck when she says: “And who’s to say that’s with Hyungwon?”

“Girls, attention,” Gaining the reigns of the situation once again, one of her legs crosses over the other to feel powerful when she takes her water bottle up to her lips. A sip, that’s all she needs, to relax and forget that this night ever happened. Tsubasa is clearly the bad one in this case…and herself, too, for simply forgetting Hyungwon’s feelings while hers were bursting in absolute delight of being able to go to that company that she has aspired to be part of. “Like, I just know Hyungwon’s the guy I like right now. The one I want. I don’t want to kiss, hug, learn to love or even have sex with anyone else but him. I know that, what I don’t know is what’s wrong with me or my body or my heart…because I can’t seem to tell him I love him as easily as I did with…”

“Tsubasa.” Doah replies, tilting her head to both sides to stop the ache on her neck. “Stop comparing him to Tsubasa and maybe, he’ll get the chance to be loved by you.”

With the weight of Seola’s hand placed on her shoulder, she sighs. “And if Hyungwon makes you happy, he makes us happy. We want nothing more than for you to let go of that toxic relationship and learn how to love someone that…just wants to fall into a routine with you, to love you for who you are.”

Though, it rips at her chest to know that she’s fearful, scared to move and hold him, just to show him that he’s worth of love, too. Perhaps, she was scared of risking another goodbye, another moment in which she’d have to say goodbye to the person she likes…simply because something doesn’t feel right. In this case, however, with the argument that happened this night, she feels as though she may be killing her own relationship, all with the distraction of wanting it to be so perfect…that she’d destroy it in a second without knowing.

The tight grin that caresses her cheeks is barely seen when she breathes out a small, softened: “…He does.” Because, no one would have treated her as nicely as he did, showing her that even the shades of her that were not happy were able to be loved, never pushing, never pulling…simply…being.

Is that kind of compatible with her, though?

Is anyone compatible with her, to start with?

###

The record was beaten three days ago when Hyungwon and herself had broken up for the third time in their relationship.

The periods of time are never too long, if a week at most of being away, perhaps for some not considered as a break but for her…another reminder of why exactly they are not working out. Every day and every night, she questions herself more as to why she makes bad decisions. Why, in the world, is she laying on her couch with her eyes closed, wondering what exactly had gone wrong. Apparently, something within her still holds on to the past, and Hyungwon simply can’t stand with that one bit of insecurity that tells him he’ll always be good but never as good as…

Silently, she had done so, she had brought someone with beaming colors to be a dulling gray color. Now, looking up at her ceiling, the white colors of it being painted in memories, she realizes that her life shouldn’t always be yellow, like the Sun, either. She should have let herself grieve the break-up with Tsubasa, the ache of being used for so many years, let herself heal and love someone else…like herself. She should have looked for a grounding moment in her own hands, instead of having someone else grasping her with love. She should have simply respected the moment of silence that should have gone past after Hyungwon got broken up with, simply because lusting after a man that is probably going through a hard time is not exactly the best of decisions.

Not to say she does not enjoy spending time with Hyungwon, that kissing him in the morning is not the highlight of her days and reuniting with him by the street they always connect in is not one of the reasons she lets the mask of faux happiness fall for one that is more tranquil, because she loves all of those things. She loves when Hyungwon starts his sentences and suddenly shakes his head, as if his idea sounds ridiculous, or when one word from his lips is enough to have her laughing. Specially, she loves when his fingers slot with hers and when his plump lips press to her collarbone, her neck, as if making her shine with a simplistic touch of his.

Even when she argues with him for it, she loves that he continues with the rules…that he absolutely and wholeheartedly believes in going by the right line, but she hates him even more when after this break up, she hears his keys slotting through her doorknob, welcoming him inside her apartment.

Her eyes don’t break away from the ceiling, wanting her life to be blank—white, as if she had never done anything, but instead, she hears the sound of rustling, perhaps from a bag and the noise of Hyungwon’s knees creaking under his weight when he kneels beside her on the couch. His long fingertips splay on top of her stomach, calling for her attention with small pats when he calls her name softly.

It’s up to her to break this up, as it seems.

Because Hyungwon is a creature of familiarity and she is one to push forward, always going for the end-line, to think that happiness is always at the end of every story. This shows in the way he looks at her, months after their initiation as a couple, his plush lips pulled into a smile when their gazes connect, his hair shorter and seeking for her touch when he takes one of her hands in his and brings it up to his face.

“I brought some food for us. Japanese, from our favorite restaurant.” He tells her as a peace offering, and she really wishes she could care less about this situation, but his words alone have her sitting up and shaking her head. Her hands cloud her vision, covering her eyes when she takes some deep breaths. “Hey, I know we were fighting before and we said that we’d be breaking up but—”

“But we really need to, Hyungwon.” She replies, being in this place before and once again, ending it before it gets worse. Perhaps, she really has to work on herself—know, for once, that life is not always about looking to cover the bad with the good, but learning how to improve the bad, slowly but surely, accepting it before it translates into something better. The man is silent when she uncovers her face, looking at her before settling the bag down.

“I know it’s been difficult, but I really love you—”

“And I don’t think I can love you quite as much as you deserve to be loved.” Then, she notices the bouquet of flowers he laid over her coffee table and how the steam of the food surround them, staring at each other for answers when Hyungwon’s shaky and breathy sighs, eyes somehow looking more than monotone, give her an initiative that he is heartbroken.

“You’re being serious with this…” He replies, standing up and saving his hands in the depths of his pockets, looking at her as if she has grown a second head. “…I—”

“Hyungwon, I need you to heal. I need me to heal.” Though, this will only bring more pain, but it’s what’s right. What should have done from the beginning, wait and wait and wait until she was ready to love again. “Just—Listen to me for once. This isn’t about another man, or comparing you, or loving someone more. I feel like I’ve grown…I’ve grown to feel for you, but you don’t love me the way I should and I don’t love you the way you deserve.”

She takes him by the shoulders then, fragile under her hold, broken when, once again, Hyungwon is tossed to the side as if he means nothing. Walking him towards the door, she hears him speak softly. “Oh…I understand…”

The door opens, taking him outside before the tears that are willing to escape her eyes tell her to hold on to him, because only him had been open enough to love her, to understand her even when she was hurting, to let her play her little game of being happy when in reality…she hasn’t been fully in a while. “Just go before I kiss you, okay? I need us to end this tonight.”

Hyungwon looks over his shoulder, asking: “No more getting back together?”

And maybe, she’s a bit egotistic, because she leans forward and presses a fleeting kiss to his lips, wanting to remember the outline of his lips against hers, the way that skin seemed to be made for her…but not in the way it happened. “After this, no.” She tells him, looking at him with a plea in her eyes. “But we’re on good terms, okay? I just think it’s bad that we’re on and off again. I’ve gone through this; I know how it’ll end either way.”

“Alright.” He blinks for a moment, watching her when she closes the door on his face and in a brief second, she’s already looking through the peephole, watching the absolute drain of emotions in his face, eyes looking for solace, lips moving softly when he parts them. Once he turns around again, she watches his fists press onto the wall as if he’s lost a war, holding onto reality. It has been tough on him, broken up by the people he had grown to like, people he was in relationships with…but she’s thinking of how much more happiness she’ll give him once this is over.

Hopefully, there is some for him and some for her. They deserve it, even when it is by themselves.

It’s over.

###

Don’t do it.

But…

No, don’t do it. You’ll break his heart.

But…

When talking to her friends, it’s easy to play it off as some break up. It’s her talent, after all, to simply push her worries away…and some other times, she drops everything on them about how difficult it has been to let go of Hyungwon. Much more when, slowly but surely, she had grown to have some lovely feelings for him. The battle, or rather staring battle, between his contact on her phone have her sighing, pondering as to why she misses him so much…or why she hasn’t deleted his number…or why she feels a pang on her chest when all her pictures with him are deleted from his social media, but from hers it’s almost impossible.

This time at night, he’d still be up. This time at night, she’d be kissing his shoulder and watching a movie with him, helping him grade tests if she’s feeling like him. This time at her life, she’d be learning how to love him, slowly but like a waltz, like the ones she has always wanted to share with him. Reaching out for him would hurt him even more, and maybe she’s giving too much credit to herself by thinking of herself as a heartbreaker, but the reality is that she had broken her own heart too many times. She says she’ll get better, and finally, she does…but when she is on the way there, she always misses the past.

Always. Never. Ever. She has to get rid of those words.

…A text would not hurt, right?

Yet, contacting him again would have her holding onto something that was finished and he’d be the same way. She doesn’t want to burden him, to remember him of how hard he tried before it eventually came falling down—all because she saw the past more than she saw a future. Her fingers hover right above the delete button, images of the first time she saw him in person filling her brain. So kind, sweet, silently so, the one person that had given her more light from the Sun rather than shadowing her in the process. And they made a mess out of that, too much light until they got blinded by their desires of what they wanted out of their relationship.

Somehow, when she finally deletes the number, she thinks she can feel his lips pressing down on hers…or she wishes to be able to hold him, to make him feel loved as she should have loved him in the past, to run towards him and hug him in her arms. Yet, it’s too late. It’s time for her to love herself, rather than loving someone else.

But…

Is he tired?

Is he eating just fine?

Does he miss her, just as much as she misses him?

A sigh leaves her lips, rotating on her bed until she is looking out the window. The Moon blinks back at her, asking for them to be friends, to hold the night as if it is also beautiful enough to be loved and she comes to the conclusion that she only hopes for him to know that she tried. Hard. With all her might. With the love that she had grown to have for him but could never voice out properly in fear of ever…moving on.

In fear of him saying ‘goodbye’, only to be the one that ended up saying it.

#hyungwon scenarios #hyungwon #monsta x scenarios #monsta x #kpop scenarios #writing #the anti-love club #monsta x angst #monsta x fluff #monsta x au #hyungwon angst #hyungwon fluff #hyungwon au #maaaaaan this one #this one though #it was fun to write

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solecize · 4 years

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EIGHTEEN FOREVER - PT 1.

𝐒𝐔𝐌𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐘. it all starts off when the bad boy greaser with a heart of gold, wong yukhei, almost runs you over with his beat up chevy on your way to school. your love story is immortalized through pen and paper, midnight ink and bloodstained envelopes spanning months on end. the sixties are a time of freedom and heartbreak—the time of your life. 𝐏𝐀𝐈𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆. lucas x reader 𝐆𝐄𝐍𝐑𝐄. period au (1960s) / high school au / slice of life / fluff / angst 𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒. mature language, alcohol use, violence, drug use, light sexual references, mentions of death, themes of war, implied toxic family relationships, probably some historical inaccuracy but only if u squint 𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐃 𝐂𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐓. 7.3k 𝐍𝐎𝐓𝐄𝐒. not proofread, as usual <3 all of the poems do not belong to me. in addition, smoking is normalized in this fic, in addition to slight tinges of sexism. i do not support either, but the elements were added due to the time period.

for the one with the pretty eyes:⠀ ⠀ 555-968-84 ⠀ ⠀ call me. ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ (in the blue chevy in front of you)

on your side of town, graduating high school was as rare as a teenage male walking around with clean knuckles and hair that wasn’t slicked back with thick pomade. you were proud of yourself for making it this far, while all of your other friends dropped out early and had babies or began to work full time. books weren’t for everyone and not everybody could afford it. college was a long shot for most of the graduating class, or at least the ones from your neighbourhood.

“who are ya taking to prom, huh?” kunhang was relentless in sticking his nose all up in your business, bothering you for weeks on end about your date. he began kicking the passenger’s side from the backseat to annoy you further and you flipped him off with a growl.

sicheng watched the two of you with a snort, muttering something about you two being geeks and proceeded to kill the engine of the car, once finding a suitable spot at the drive in.

you rolled your eyes. “why do you keep assuming that i’m even going? why’re you going?” kunhang was your only friend who was going to be graduating at your side.

“because i can. i think that’s more than enough of a reason.”

just a fraction of the kids you knew from your neighbourhood attended prom, most preferring to hit the watering holes to party with fake ids rather than stand under hot lights and drink bland punch. then again, only a fraction of those kids had the privilege of being able to go. however, the event was a waste of time, if anyone asked you.

“i have other things to worry about,” you retorted. “like exams.”

you carried a lot of pride on your shoulders. you were the only child in your household to make in this far in academics, with your mom long gone in the cooler behind bars and your father leaving this world when you were young. your older sister lived the glamorous housewife life and barely spoke to you, turning her nose up at the family that she left behind for fortune. it was just you and your older brother fending for yourselves in that tiny house that was always empty, with you constantly out and your brother always working out of state for his truck driving job.

“it’ll be a gas, c’mon,” kunhang began to pout. “i’ll even let you dance with me.” between the girls that nearly broke their necks whipping around to get a good look at him in the school hallways, you doubted he would be able to.

pretending to gag, you replied. “ew, no.” you laughed and exited the mustang to avoid him swatting at your arm.

the clementine sky was just about dipping into the horizon, brightening the small lot with warmth and comfort. chatter and laughter wafted in the air, along with cigarette smoke and the hug of youth. june’s summer beast was just about creeping in, as other attendees pulled up in miniskirts and wife beaters to beat the heat to a pulp. it was the perfect evening for a crappy movie and an ice cold coca cola.

sicheng teased, “i’m surprised you’re even making it out of that hellhole with a diploma, much less going to the prom.” he poked kunhang’s side and the other male yelped, pulling him into a headlock as the three of you walked. you rolled your eyes.

weaving through the crowd of people making their way back to their cars, you were heading towards the concession area with the boys. as always, sicheng insisted on arriving just a little bit later because he liked being parked far away from the screen.

you were lost in the thoughts of buttery popcorn and a cream soda when you stopped in your tracks, frozen. sicheng and kunhang noticed this, having just released each other in their psuedo fight, and looked at you strangely. you wanted to facepalm yourself.

you exclaimed, “aw, fuck, we’re a whole buncha idiots. we forgot!”

the two boys looked horrified, as they slowly realized what you all had done. immediately, your group scurried back to sicheng’s mustang and tried to avoid shoving into people. the outing had just begun and the last thing you needed was kunhang’s hothead smacking into someone’s jaw.

“chenle! chenle, you good, buddy?”

upon closer inspection, you could hear the sounds of thumping up against the inside of the mustang. sicheng nearly fell over when he reached for the trunk, heaving it up to reveal the red-faced younger male. he dramatically gasped for air and you couldn’t help but giggle at him.

sicheng’s body folded and doubled over, as he tried to catch his breath in laughter. “holy shit! dude, you fucking idiot!”

“me?” kunhang was wiping tears from his eyes, body rumbling with his snickering. “who’s idea was it to bring the kid?”

you loved having chenle around, your younger wisecrack of a neighbour who often tagged along with the three of you. he was an absolute ball of sunshine. unfortunately, being the youngest meant being the butt of everyone’s jokes.

obviously, the boys meant no harm, but you were the one with the softest heart between all of them and was far more gentle towards him. “aw, we’re really sorry, chenle,” you managed to sputter out between your laughter.

“why do i always end up going in the trunk?” chenle frowned, shoulders drooping. “and i ain’t a kid!”

and of course, chenle and kunhang began shoving each other, albeit playfully at the very least. you sighed and came to the conclusion that you were friends with a bunch of goddamn zoo animals and that you needed some female friends. they stopped when you yelled at them to knock it off.

sicheng replied, “sorry, buddy. you’re the smallest one, so you luck out.” of course, it would never be him because it was his car, even though he was the bright one who suggested hiding one of you in the trunk to avoid paying for an extra ticket.

“can we just get our popcorn now?” chenle had officially given up, though his pout stained his face.

you all murmured in agreement, though everyone shared the same shit eating grins for accidentally abandoning chenle in the trunk of the mustang. he continued to claim that he was suffocating the entire time, as you lost yourself in the daydream of a refreshing drink from the concession stand amid the intense humidity.

then, kunhang called your name and that’s when you realize you’d walked ahead when everyone else stayed behind.

the three boys were inspecting something on the windshield of the mustang. sicheng remained neutral, so you figured it couldn’t have been a scratch or crack or something. you jogged over to peer over at what they were all looking at.

“when did someone leave this. . . .?” sicheng trailed off, trying to remember if he saw any figures approach in car. it must have been right after they initially left.

it was a piece of lined paper, likely torn out of a notebook and tucked underneath one of the wipers. the handwriting was clear and you cocked an eyebrow. pretty eyes?

“wow, someone left a note for me,” kunhang grinned.

chenle cleared this throat, looking elsewhere. “uh, actually, i don’t think it’s for you, man.”

you followed his eyes, realizing that he spotted the said blue chevy. a handful of guys lounged around the back of the pickup, some you even recognized from school and others you just knew. there was the former football team linebacker, yangyang. your once upon a time lab partner, xiaojun. even your older brother’s best friend, kun. there was ten, who worked at the ice cream shop that you frequented.

then, there was the one who was looking straight at you.

everyone knew yukhei, but nobody really knew him. he had a shield of mystery in between himself and the rest of the world, only truly with the same four guys at all times. that’s how you saw him as, anyway. otherwise, to the rest of your town, he was the bad boy with a heart of gold, the boy with witty retorts and the brightest smile that you’d probably ever laid eyes on. something seemed so off about the way he portrayed himself to everyone else, though.

of course, to the rest of the girls at your school, he was the top candidate on everyone’s list for a prom date. you knew that enough, from the explicit whispers from girls that you overheard in the middle of class. everyone wanted him.

that’s why, if he hadn’t locked eyes with you, there was no way in hell you’d believe that yukhei wrote that note for you.

the idea scared you and you weren’t thrilled by the possibility of having wong yukhei. that’s why you immediately crumpled up the notes and tossed it to the side. he watched your every move as you did so.

after all, yukhei nearly ran you over the week before and he clearly could not remember your name.

the week before.

“are you out of your goddamn mind?!”

so, you were a little sleep deprived. you’d been up until the early morning hours finishing an essay worth a chunk of your grade, which shouldn’t have taken so long if it weren’t for the fact that you had to deal with the constant distractions that were your friends. at some point, chenle and sicheng dropped by and decided to make you cookies in the kitchen to cheer you on as you reached the end of the school year—obviously, that escalated into a disaster. you spent a few hours cleaning before you could finally kick the two knuckleheads out of your home.

that morning, you literally rolled out of bed onto the floor when you woke up. this was upon realizing that you slept through your alarm clock for school, snoozing off into the deepest sleep of your life after finishing your assignment. that’s how you found yourself sprinting from street light to street light, hoping to at least make it before the end of second period.

then, there was the baby blue chevy pickup speeding in like lightning from your left. you honestly should have heard it from a mile away, with the gurgle and sputter of an engine humming the disgusting tune louder than anything else on the street. however, you were too lost in the daze of fatigue and trying to remember if you packed yourself a lunch.

you noticed the truck a little too late, as it was a few away from you before you yelped and attempted to hop away, but ended up landing straight on your bottom. the impact nearly knocked the wind out of you and you braced yourself for the crash. thankfully, the driver had enough sense to come to a screeching halt, just about to touch you. this is when you yelled at the male behind the wheel.

the features of his handsome face knitted together. “aw, shit, shit shit—are you alright?” he yelled.

it took half a second to process what just happened, ignoring the stinging ache oozing in your backside. you took a sharp inhale and everything exploded like a volcano. shooting right up in a sitting position, you were met with the eyes of wong yukhei.

“do i look alright?” you snapped and he opened his mouth to reply, but you didn’t let him get even a word out. “you almost killed me, running that stop sign! i’m freakin’ exhausted, probably got three hours of sleep and i had to deal with my brother’s idiot cat almost clawing my eyes out on my way out! i’ve been running for forever and my legs ache like hell and i have to go to work straight after school! and. . .and, worst of fucking all, i’m late for school!”

yukhei simply blinked, staring back at your state, with dark crescent moons slapped underneath your eyes and your chest heaving for air. you were, in all simpleness, a mess. he smiled slightly, running a hand through his precisely twirled up, slicked up hair. you narrowed your eyes at his response.

he simply replied, “you wanna hop in?”

“i—what?”

“c’mon sweets, i’m sorry. i fucked up, at least let me give you a ride to school,” yukhei said, unbuckling his seatbelt. he began to exit his vehicle, gliding over to you and extended his hand. a smile remained on his lips and your head started to spin.

that was definitely not the response you expected. the only reason you went off on him so harshly was because you were used to dealing with the idiot hoods from your block, who seemed like they were raised without a lick of manners in the very few braincells in their heads. as a woman, you knew that you were going to automatically be treated lightly and built strong walls for that very reason. to have yukhei respond with such quietude was foreign to you and you felt a weight drop at the pit of your stomach for your reaction.

reluctantly, you grabbed his hand and he helped heave you up. you stumbled slightly once you rose a little too fast and you instinctively grabbed for leverage, which happened to be a handful of his leather jacket. yukhei didn’t seem to mind, though, which astounded you because other guys like sicheng and kunhang carried their leathers like their pride and joy, with even the slightest crinkle driving them mad. you apologized regardless.

yukhei attempted to steady you, both hands on either side of your shoulders. “s’okay, no worries. you kinda took a hard fall there.”

you gulped down the ball forming in your throat, trying to look anywhere but into his deep brown eyes. these were the same eyes that girls cursed for tearing into their hearts and bringing on permanent cracks. the same eyes that girls cried over in the washrooms at school. school. you were late for school.

“um, yeah, let’s. . .let’s just go.” you’d been counting time in your head since leaving your front door and knew exactly what time it was, but you still pulled up your sleeve to glance at your watch. anything to avoid looking into his eyes.

something must have creeped in under your skin and taken control of your muscles because you were not the type of person to get into a stranger’s car. alright, wong yukhei was no stranger, but he had a reputation that you were well aware of. it was just as bad. or maybe it really just because you were—

“—late for school again, but i guess i’m used to it and you’re not,” yukhei had been saying, but you were zoned out and had just opened the car door.

it seemed to had only occurred to you then, but you sometimes forgot that yukhei still went to your school. he had a distinct group of friends that he spent time with, all of which had dropped out quite some time ago. he never really struck you as the academic type and as far as you could remember, you never ran into him in the hallways or in class. the only reminders of his existence in the place were the indecent fantasies written about him on the inside of the girls’ bathroom stalls.

“you sure you’re okay, y/n? it is y/n, right?” yukehi glanced over at you from the driver's seat, roaring life back into the pickup with the turn of his key.

you thought you heard incorrectly, but then he repeated it. yukhei actually knew your name and it wasn't just because he was this popular boy that all the girls went after, but you were in shock be ause you'd never even exchanged words before as far as you knew. he seemed to read your mind and gave you a look that read "surprised you, didn't i?" with the raise of a single eyebrow.

yukhei continued as a further explanation,“i sat behind you in history class last year before i transferred out of it.”

clipping in your seatbelt, all you could reply with was, “yeah.” your eyes darted over to the way he mindlessly gripped the steering wheel with one hand, with a beautiful swirl of reds and blues staining his otherwise immaculate knuckles. he let the other one hang loose out of the window. “you promise to drive safe?”

a goosebump inducing grin, one bright enough to outshine a sun, stretched across his lips. “yeah, cross my heart.” yukhei said this, even as booked beyond the speed limit. you didn’t say anything. “to be fair, sweets, you weren’t exactly lookin’ out when you were sprinting earlier.”

you awkwardly twirled the ends of your hair hanging down your shoulder, but tried to keep an annoyed expression. “i was counting on drivers following road signs, yukhei.”

he smiled even wider. “ah, so you do know my name.”

that was a pretty ridiculous thought, there was no way that he wasn’t just teasing. yukhei had to be even just the slightest bit self-aware enough to see the way he’s flanked by girls at school. he was popular, enough so that quiet kids like yourself who never talked to him knew him. besides, you all lived in a town where everybody knew everybody and chances are, their kids come to know their kids and so on. nobody escaped the little bubble and routine that you all settled in.

something tugged at your heartstrings, though, at the way yukhei lit up.

“what’s the story behind those bruises?” you finally said, cocking your head to the side.

“hmm?” yukhei murmured, as the sight of your school building came into sight. “oh. just a badge of loyalty. you know how it is.”

unfortunately, you did know. around here, boys seemed to travel in packs and each one had each other’s backs to the grave. some found it silly, but there was an air of unspoken understanding.

“some kids from the south side give y’all trouble?”

if you had to guess, you would have probably gone with the reason being yukhei’s hothead of a best friend, yangyang. there was one particularly bad outburst last month, when you and kunhang went to the diner after school, only to be interrupted by a fight erupting between yangyang and some rich kid from the south. of course, the prep had his boys with him to back him up and bring the fight outside, prompting yukhei and xiaojun to get involved automatically. you had watched in amusement from the other side of the window with your strawberry milkshake, as yukhei beat a guy up against his own car.

“not me, my little sister. that shit don’t ever sit right with me, runnin’ their mouths on an innocent girl like her.” something in your brain clicked and you remembered that yukhei had a kid sister, only because she was in chenle’s grade and he used to have the biggest crush on her. “it’s just the two of us and our grandpa, so i feel extra responsible for her.”

that was the way your brother used to be with you, when he turned legal just before your mom got sent behind bars. you’d always have appreciation for him and in turn, you gained a new wave of respect for yukhei.

“what’s the story behind ms. honour roll being late to school?” it took you a second to realize that he was talking about you and you snorted.

you replied, “i’m surprised you asked. if i were you, i’d be scared of me going off on another rampage.”

“yeah, i’d bet you’d really get mad the second time. maybe even beat me up?” yukhei smirked, making sure you were paying attention to the fact that he’d obeyed the next stop sign they crossed paths with. you rolled your eyes.

“you’d end up just like one of them roman emperors,” you mused, watching a trace of confusion emerge on his handsome features. “c’mon, that’s from like the second week of our history class.”

yukhei merely shrugged. “i was too distracted.”

“distracted? by what, the teacher’s droning voice?” you asked, raising an eyebrow.

“nah, this real pretty girl that sat in front of me. so much so that i had to transfer out because i would have probably flunked out.”

before you knew it, he pulled into the parking lot of the school. before being able to announce the arrival, you’d already nearly ripped off your seatbelt and zipped out of the car, yelling a thanks as you scurried off with a deep rouge tinting your cheeks. there was still ten minutes left before the end of second period. yukhei only chuckled, watching you.

dear yukhei,

remember that first night at the drive-in? honestly, i thought you were a real fox. someone i had no chance with. the fact that you gave me a chance scared the hell out of me. you know how many restless nights i had, tossing and turning because i wanted to know why you chose me? out of the girls in the world, you made me feel like a goddamn diamond in a pile of dirt. i’ll never forget that. i’ll never forget the way you made me feel that summer, the first and last one we spent together.

love, your sweets.

after ignoring yukhei at the drive-in, you were positive that was going to be the last you heard from him. however, he still plagued your thoughts like a ghost. you had no idea why, but you knew that it scared you. it was the day after and you arrived to school early, trudging to your locker with a yawn. you thought your eyes were deceiving you, when you pulled open the door to be met with a note flying out of a random crook.

here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

and, to a lightning shock to the middle of your chest, you looked over to your side to find yukhei. he leaned against a wall of lockers, not even pretending to listen to the two girls talking to him. he was looking straight at you and smiled. you let out an exasperated scoff, wondering if you were dreaming.

you’d received a few more of these love poems before you decided to take matters into your own hands. or, really, it was chenle who forced you to do so. you didn’t dare confide in either sicheng or kunhang about your new admirer. there was no doubt that they’d turn their lip up at the idea of love poems, would probably go on and call yukhei some emasculating name. they also knew of yukhei’s reputation and were a tad over protective.

alright, a “tad” was an understatement. kunhang was furious when he realized yukhei was trying to make a pass at you at the movies and sicheng had to shove him back into the car to prevent a fight. it also seemed that it was so that he could find a different parking spot, away from yukhei and his friends.

although he began courting you from a safe distance, yukhei was not one for subtlety. you noticed that right off the bat when he boldly gave you his number in front of all your friends. the poems in your locker was another thing, as he was always just around the corner to ensure that you knew they were from him.

she walks in beauty, like the night of cloudless climes and starry skies; and all that’s best of dark and bright meet in her aspect and her eyes; thus mellowed to that tender light which heaven to gaudy day denies.

the latest of them, discovering the folded up note in your locker once again, had particularly swept you off your feet.

“what if he’s like this with every other girl?” you began to worry, fiddling with the phone cord in your hand.

you were seated in your living room one tuesday night, crossed legged on the ugly floral couch with a joint in between your lips. sicheng and kunhang left just minute prior, leaving you with chenle. he was watching television in your dad’s old armchair, in an identical position as you. neither of you were in the mood to go out, having being burned out by final exams. meanwhile, chenle made your house his second home when he couldn’t get a foot in his own door without his parents yelling at him for any reason they could find.

chenle snorted. “if wong yukhei wrote love poems to every girl he’s been with, i’m pretty sure we would’ve all heard by know.” he took a drag out of his joint. “besides, he only has eyes for you, even when he has other broads hangin’ off of him. everyone’s been noticin’ that the girls’ve been backin’ off of him lately, too.”

at this point, you were no longer scared of the idea of wong yukhei. in fact, it excited you. maybe it was the marijuana doing its usual duty, but you had a sudden surge of energy flowing through your veins.

reaching into the back pocket of your capris, you uncrumpled the first piece of paper that started it all. you hadn’t thrown out the note from the drive-in after all, recovering it just before sicheng insisted that you guys were to move. letting go on the deep breath that was imprisoned in your throat for what seemed like an hour, you slowly began to dial in the number.

“hello?” a familiar deep voice rumbled.

“hi,” you managed to squeak out and you gave chenle the middle finger when you caught him snickering. “i’m looking for yukhei.”

you could practically hear the smile in his voice. “this is him. who’s calling?”

“um, y/n.” you wedged the phone in between the side of your cheek and your shoulder, unconsciously beginning twirling a loose strand of hair.

there was a pause on the other line and you weren’t sure what to make of it, possibly disbelief. “oh. hi, sweets.” yukhei chuckled. “i see you’ve decided to give me a chance.”

“does this mean the notes are gonna stop?” you teased, but deep inside, you were hoping the answer was going to be a no.

he simply replied, “’course not. unless you say the word.” there was some fiddling on the other end and you could’ve sworn you heard the sound of a lighter. “when are you free?”

“you askin’ me out, yukhei?” you giggled and chenle rolled his eyes at you, throwing a pillow in your direction. you covered the phone with one hand, telling him to fuck off, before sweetly bringing it back up to your ear.

“how’s friday?” the male exhaled a little loudly—was he smoking, too? you wanted to feel a little bit powerful, so you convinced yourself that it was out of nerves.

you responded a little bit too quickly. “yes. friday sounds good.” swallowing down the realization, you proceeded to give him your address.

“good,” yukhei repeated after you, slowly drawing out the word like molasses. “i’ll pick you up at eight. see you then, sweets.”

the call ended and you sat as still as a statue. closing your eyes, you lost yourself in the daze of smoke and the thought of yukhei. were your ears ringing? the faint hum and static of the television faded out, as you leaned back into the couch with a stupid smile playing at the corners of your lips.

someone cleared their throat. you cracked one eye open and lo and behold, chenle was looking at you like you were a lunatic. in that split second, your face dropped back into annoyance and you hurled the nearest cushion in his direction.

“hey!”

“what?” you snapped.

chenle continued his earlier snickering. “guess that went well, then, huh? i told ya so.”

you put out the joint in front of you and proceeded to bury your face into your hands. your state of disbelief felt permanent, like you were stained with the thoughts of wong yukhei forever. without a word of warning, you began to screech uncontrollably and the younger male nearly jumped out of his seat.

“ahh!! what the fuck, y/n?!” chenle heaved, holding his hand on his heart like he’d been shot. he accidentally knocked over the bag of pretzels that he’d been munching on, spilling it all over the carpet. normally, you would have freaked out over the mess, but you were too entranced in the fact that you had a date with the most handsome boy in school.

that’s when chenle knew you were either: possessed or completely smitten.

the grin on your face was so wide that it hurt, but you blocked out the pain. “we have a date!” with that, you nearly jumped onto the armchair and hauled chenle in a bone crushing hug that left him without any oxygen.

“can’t. . .breathe. . .” he was blue in the face at this point, struggling to even get his words out.

you giggled and released him, patting his cheek as he did so. chenle gasped dramatically for air, coughing as he did so. he shot you a glare.

“so, when’s the day of this stupid date?” he grumbled, settling back into his spot and began picking up his mess.

returning to the couch, you said, “friday. he said he’s going to pick me up.” you once saw that chevy of his as the devil machine, but now, you were swooning at the thought of it pulling up in front of your house.

“friday?” chenle’s eyebrows suddenly reached his hairline.

you gave him a questioning look. “yeah, it’s a little soon, but—”

“no, no,” he shook his head. “it’s not that. uhh, don’t you remember what’s happening on friday?”

you began to search your brain for any important dates, like a test or a birthday that you should’ve jotted down. “huh?” you came up empty and tilted your head slightly to the side.

“that’s prom night, stupid.”

if you hadn’t been hit with a ton of bricks before, this was an entire goddamn building raining down on you. wong yukhei had not only chased you with love poems and asked you out on a date, but he had asked you out to prom. this was really happening.

you didn’t give a damn about prom night, but you knew what it meant to other girls and it seemed like you just won a year long race between the class of seniors itching to get their hands on yukhei.

he wasn’t the only reason for your disbelief, but it was also the fact that you managed to get roped into attending prom anyway, after months of complaining about it. you groaned, lying down on the couch. this meant you had to go out and buy a freakin’ dress.

my love,

there are two times in my life when i was left absolutely breathless. the first time was when i first met you and i mean really met you. i always knew you in my heart. we were about fifteen when you moved to this town, this town that i’d grown to resent all of my life. i associated these streets with violence and hatred and i wanted nothing more to get away as fast as possible. i was hanging out with ten, loitering at the ice cream place, while i waited for his shift to end. that’s when you came in and you asked me about what flavour was best. i had a crush on you ever since that day, but could never seem to work up the courage to approach you first. yeah, i’m a fucking idiot, i know. i had those other girls following me around, but i could never quite shake off that feeling of, well, you. i’d never felt so damn. . .shy? when a girl made me feel that way, i knew you were special.

the second time was on prom night.

"ah, ah, don’t open that yet.”

you pouted and put the note back in its place, nestled in between the dozen of peonys. they were the colour of the sunset, a soft peach that brought butterflies to your insides. when yukhei had arrived to your front door with these, you nearly gasped out loud because they were so stunning.

the colour was identical to the sky above, as the clouds faded into one another and touches of navy loomed at the base of the point where the land met the heavens. yukhei’s windows were rolled all the way down and you let the wind penetrate against your being, caressing the locks of your curled hair. you’d applied an absurd amount of hairspray to keep it that way, so you weren’t concerned about the wind ruining the style.

yukhei glanced over to your side. “you can open it at the end of the night. promise.” the more you saw him smile, the more charming it became each time.

when the two of you pulled into the school parking lot, you immediately spotted kunhang and his scratched plymouth. he was leaning against the hood, sweet talking his date, some girl named meixiu that you didn’t know. probably an underclassman, you had no idea. he waved at you and probably just you, as you failed to miss the way his upper lip slightly twitched when yukhei exited his vehicle.

kunhang was the only person you guys were meeting, since both of your friend groups consisted of drop outs. you gave a polite wave to meixiu and gave kunhang a quick side hug. meanwhile, he and yukhei exchanged curt nods, as the parking lot began to reek of testosterone from the stares between the two alone.

“nice threads,” meixiu broke the silence, peering at your dress.

thankfully, you rummaged far enough into the last of your sister’s things that she left behind before moving out and came out with something decent. it was a boatneck satin dress with an empire waist and went down to just above your ankles. under the glare of the sunset, its baby blue hue contrasted beautifully. definitely pretty and saved you money and time. considering your lack of female friends, it would have been a real pain in the ass to have to drag either sicheng or chenle to a boutique.

“thank you,” you smiled at meixiu.

when you opened the door to greet yukhei, he had looked like someone just slapped him. he looked absolutely stunned and began drinking in the way you had dressed up, like an angel appeared in front of him and breathed the word of god. you were just as stunned when you were met with his put together appearance. you always had a soft spot for a tuff leather jacket and calloused hands, but seeing yukhei in a tuxedo made you rethink your preferences.

“wow,” the two of you had sputtered out at the same time and after a pause, began to laugh together.

meanwhile, kunhang merely blinked at your appearance. “turns out you’re a woman after all.” he yelped when you smacked his arm for that comment. “what? just because you walk around in a miniskirt doesn’t mean you’re a lady—” you hit him again.

“a pretty damn fine one at that,” yukhei snaked an arm around your waist and you relaxed slightly. “ready to head in?”

that baby blue dress. the way you lost yourself in the music on the dancefloor without a care in the world. my god, i wish i could capture that memory in my mind forever. i was still so goddamn shy and the only way i could express my feelings was through letters. some things never change, huh?

yours truly, yukhei.

the rest of your night was just as you imagined it would turn out. some lame music, bad refreshments, and glares from literally every girl on the dancefloor when they saw who you arrived with. all eyes were on the two of you when you walked in through the doors, though you knew it was partly out of curiosity to see who wong yukhei would bring to prom.

suddenly, you were beginning to be treated different. guys you’d never spoken to for four years cornered you into conversations that you had no interest in. girls complimented your dress and not in the way meixiu did, but like panthers sneaking up to stalk their prey. you nearly finished the contents of yukhei’s hidden flask out of annoyance.

“easy there, sweets,” he said, eyes wide when you slipped him his almost empty flask.

you laughed a bit. “sorry. i’m just slowly starting to get tired.”

“sleepy?” he asked, brushing a stray curl of hair out of your face.

the two of you were leaning on a wall, silently bopping your heads to the tune of the bluesy guitar playing throughout the school gymnasium. yukhei, you discovered, was a really good dancer. although shy at first, the majority of your night was spent on the dancefloor. you were sure you picked up on a few of his moves, even. you teased him about it on your way to the back, after he declared that he was parched.

“no, not that kind of tired. i mean, like—” you gave a quick side glance to a group of girls to your left that had been glaring in your direction all night,“—tired of that.”

it wasn’t as though you were overly concerned with the other girls, but it was really starting to get on your nerves.

“then, let’s get out of here?”

sure, the night was still young, but something twinkled in yukhei’s eyes and you knew that the date was far from over. you looked over at the crowd, not being able to find kunhang. he’d live if you didn’t tell him a goodbye. you shrugged and tapped your nails against your clutch.

“get out here, where?” you asked reluctantly, wincing as you did so. the last thing you wanted to do in that moment was make an assumption, but you also wanted to set clear boundaries before the night went on.

yukhei raised his eyebrows. “i mean, like, we could go grab a burger or somethin’. i’m starving.” he chuckled, but you smiled at his response.

“alright. i’m good with that.”

you didn’t even notice yukhei grabbing your head and lacing your fingers with his own—it just felt so natural. he gently led you back to the main entrance and you couldn’t help but notice the way his muscles ever so slightly flexed underneath his suit and the way he styled his hair into perfect swirls with gel and the crystal clear confidence in his eyes and—

“oh, ho, so you ended up working up the nerve to ask y/n out after all?” there was no mistake about it, that voice belonged to your old history teacher. it was the voice you heard in your nightmares, after all. “gimme some skin, yukhei!”

the old man sat in front of the entrance, where the tickets had been checked at the beginning of the night. presumably to catch any drunk teenagers stumbling out of the gymnasium, he was the only chaperone outside of the main floor.

you furrowed your eyebrows together. yukhei awkwardly shook hands with the teacher. then, you remembered what yukhei had told you before when he gave you a ride to school. your lips parted slightly.

“you stole away one of my favourite students, you know that, ms. y/n?” he continued.

turning to yukhei, whose ears began to transform into a brilliant bubblegum colour, you said, “you weren’t joking about that?”

“why would i be joking?” yukhei chuckled.

you paused and shrugged. “i dunno. i thought it was just one of them cheesy things guys say. like you were just trying to make me swoon or somethin’.”

“what? aw, c’mon, sweets, i can do better than that!” yukhei exclaimed and poked your side, causing you to giggle and yelp.

your old history teacher rolled your eyes at the two of you. “just go on, go home!” he began shooing the two of you away like some puppies.

yukhei continued leading you out of the building, only until you stopped in the middle of the parking lot when you heard a familiar song. it was unmistakable, you would have recognized the record from miles away. he froze, noticing the way you had done the same.

“are you alright?” he stepped forward, reaching out to touch your arm.

you felt a little silly, but you said it anyway. “they’re playing my favourite song. you think we could. . .?” you trailed off, hoping he would agree.

there wasn’t a guy you knew that absolutely detested the beach boys. sicheng whined like he was in pain every time you put one of their records one. you had to basically hide all of their music from your brother, taking them away from the main living room shelf in fear that he would eventually trash them one day. yukhei pressed his lips together, listening to the song—clearly he was no exception.

“you’re into these fools, too?” he teased.

yukhei began stripping himself of his suit jacket, placing it over your shoulders and you immediately revelled in the warmth and faint scent of his cologne on the fabric. the night had fully set in and a dull chill kissed your bare skin. under the moonlight, the man looked immaculate.

you scoffed. “they have good music!” and that they did, but it was something about the group that made you sway in place and felt like you were high on love.

“why don’t we just dance here?”

the parking lot was empty save for the two of you and the countless of cars. even the streets were dead silent and the only sounds in the air were the beach boys telling you to not worry and the soft rustling of the leaves. then, there was yukhei. his same damn charming smirk that seemed to have already captured your heart, but was not nearly as powerful as the thoughts he spilled out into words for you on paper.

you automatically wrapped your arms around his neck and his hands found a place on your waist, like the two of you had done this millions of time before in another life.

dear y/n,

you are the stars.

yukhei.

#neowritingsnet #neowriters #nct-writers #nct fic #lucas x reader #nct au #nct imagine #wayv imagines #lucas imagine #yukhei x reader #wayv x reader #wayv fanfic #nct scenarios #kpop fanfic #kpop au #— EIGHTEEN FOREVER .#i had to repost ughh

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messymaybeauty · 3 years

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Social Anxiety Disorder

📷

If you get anxious around groups of people that is a very good reason not to be pushed into social interactions. If you suffer from social anxiety disorder I’m assuming you’ve made people angry and upset at your lack of communication and involvement in people’s lives.

You come across as boring and selfish… but making friends is hard for you you hate first impressions and the awkward small talk you think people judge you and laugh at your weird untrendy personality.

Your a very negative person who wants to please everyone and the best way to do that is to stay out of there way because you think you’re a waste of time.

Your not very competitive people think your lazy, your very lonely but you don’t fit in you want to be someone everyone loves and enjoys being with but you feel people don’t like you so much, you are very clumsy and slightly nerdy you are your own person your more interesting than you think! 📷

Learn to love yourself get to know yourself do what makes you feel comfortable and happy because you are important and your mental health comes first.

Being on the spectrum!

Everyone Is on the spectrum, but it affects everyone differently no one is perfect!. Some people are better at masking their emotions and feelings a lot of autistic people find it hard to communicate around people they don’t know or trust. I’m mildly autistic and I find it hard to listen to more that one person, I start to panic and get emotional I’m very quiet and don’t like talking if I don’t have to I much prefer my own company in my own safe space listening to calming music or reading a book.

Having unhealthy Toxic Friendships

If you can’t agree with your friends and you always argue with them, maybe your just too different I always think it is important to share your opinion but people should understand that you are not always going to be right and move on. You need friends that bring you up! not put you down. If they comment on every move you make and point out your faults and insecurities It makes them come across as very jealous behavior. people need to make the effort with you as well its not just up to you all the time to keep the relationship going strong treat people the same way they treat you.

Rude Racist and judgmental people

You shouldn’t have to listen to uneducated narrow-minded people if you don’t want to! I would even go ahead and stand up for everyone in the world who can’t defend themselves because they don’t have the privilege like most of us do!. But arguing with someone who blames others simply because they can is like talking to a brick wall they won’t listen they don’t care they just want to insult and point the blame on someone who is different.

Being a loner

Not Liking people is fine it’s normal to hate its easy to do you might like to spend your time learning a new hobby reading an interesting book or creating amazing art. Your probably a very intelligent person who know more important things and enjoys weirdness.

Suicide in the UK

The suicide rate of 11.2 deaths per 100,000 population recorded by the Office for National Statistics (ONS) in 2018 is an increase in the 10.1 per 100,000 population recorded in 2017, which was the lowest since the organization began recording data on suicide in the United Kingdom in 1981.

Suicides in the UK Facts

In 2019, there were 5,691 suicides registered in England and Wales, an age-standardized rate of 11.0 deaths per 100,000 population, and consistent with the rate in 2018.

Around three-quarters of registered deaths in 2019 were among men (4,303 deaths), which follows a consistent trend back to the mid-1990s.

The England and Wales male suicide rate of 16.9 deaths per 100,000 is the highest since 2000 and remains in line with the rate in 2018; for females, the rate was 5.3 deaths per 100,000, consistent with 2018 and the highest since 2004.

Males aged 45 to 49 years had the highest age-specific suicide rate (25.5 deaths per 100,000 males); for females, the age group with the highest rate was 50 to 54 years at 7.4 deaths per 100,000.

Despite having a low number of deaths overall, rates among the under 25s have generally increased in recent years, particularly 10- to 24-year-old females where the rate has increased significantly since 2012 to its highest level with 3.1 deaths per 100,000 females in 2019.

As seen in previous years, the most common method of suicide in England and Wales was hanging, accounting for 61.7% of all suicides among males and 46.7% of all suicides among females.

https://cdn.ampproject.org/v0/amp-auto-ads-0.1.js

https://www.messymaybeauty.com/

https://www.nhs.uk/oneyou/every-mind-matters/

#social anxiety #anxiety #social #autistic spectrum #autistic adult #speak #vocal #being socil #life #depression #adhd

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darktypeimagines · 4 years

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Any hcs for Leon, Milo and Piers with an s/o who has a toxic best friend and they are trying to convince them to end that toxic friendship but their s/o is like "but they don't really mean it, we are best friends, she/he would never hurt me :c!!!" (You can choose their bff gender :D)

Ohhh boy. There are so many different types of toxic, so it’s hard to know exactly which form you’re talking about. Took some inspiration from some of the things I’ve dealt with; hope you like it!

Initially, I was going to do Piers, too, but with everything going on, I’m having trouble even clearing the few messages I do have left. If you want him, feel free to ask again, and I’ll get to it whenever I manage to have time and writing energy.

Put under the cut, for obvious reasons.

———————————————————————————————

Leon

You had been friends with this person for such a long time, not being around them felt weird. Scary, even. You knew they had your best interest in mind, though, right? They just wanted you to be happy. And you wanted them to be happy, too!

They always made sure they were by your side for anything important. And some unimportant things, too. As friends, shouldn’t you experience things together?

But, when you started your relationship with Leon, you found you were with your best friend less. It was a little weird at first, but it makes sense; you can only be in one place at a time, right? Your friend, on the other hand, had a harder time with this.

They complained that they weren’t really seeing you anymore. You tried to explain to them that you had Leon now, but… They expressed they felt replaced? They missed you. They were lonely.

And they kept saying things like this. You didn’t tell Leon, not at first. It was between you and your friend, after all.

So, you made sure to still spend time with your friend. But it never seemed to be enough for them. They were so sweet, you felt bad, since apparently you were making them feel bad…

You even canceled a couple of dates with Leon, since your friend said they needed you. But when Leon began to feel bad, and felt like he did something to cause you to cancel, you felt compelled to come clean with him.

He was pissed. He was pretty patient, but this? This crossed a line.

He first just asked why. Why are you letting them have such control over your life? It was as though you’re at their beck and call. If they “need” you, they fully expect you to come running, no matter what. And that’s not fair.

But they do need you, you insist! You make them feel better! And sure, maybe your friend is a bit clingy, and always wants you there, and gets mad when you’re not, but… They don’t mean it, they’re a good person!

Leon agrees they might not be a bad person, but that’s not the point. They’re treating you badly, and you’ve been living with it for so long, you don’t even realize it.

It’s at this point he starts listing off all the times you’ve ran out of the house at random times to see them. How your phone is glued to you simply because you’re afraid of missing a text. And when you get said text, you drop literally everything you’re doing to respond to them. How, even major decisions in your life have come to include your friend in them, even when they don’t seem to give you the same level of consideration?

Leon makes it clear he would like you to do either one of two things: talk to them about this, or cut them off. He said he didn’t expect a conversation about this to go well, but it was up to you what you wanted to do. He just didn’t want to see you get manipulated like this.

If and when you chose to confront your friend, Leon will absolutely be there for you. Physically, if you want him to be there for the conversation, or just emotionally if you’d prefer to handle it alone. Leon knows it can be hard to lose such long-term friendships; he had a couple of his own end after he became Champion. So, expect a deluge of comfort from the former Champion, because he knows you’ll need it.

Milo

You grew up with your friend by your side; they were literally your next-door neighbor for most of your life. But as time went on, you two grew apart. You stayed friends, but it seemed you both changed due to that distance.

When you met back up with them, it seemed they had their life together. Everything was planned perfectly, and they knew where they wanted to go in life.

But, regardless of how well you did, your friend always had “advice.” Even if you didn’t ask for it. But their advice always involved picking out every little thing you did wrong, and every instance in which you could’ve done more.

But they meant well, right? They just wanted to help. And they were obviously doing so well, there was probably a thing or two you could learn from them…

But that didn’t make it hurt less.

On one day in particular, after they had been rather hard on you, you came home crying.

Milo was understandably concerned. Eventually, he was able to get the gist of what happened.

It takes lot to get Milo angry. And, boy was he angry. But his main concern was making sure you were okay.

Once you were calmed down to where you could at least have a conversation, he was determined to make sure you were taken care of. After all, it’s hard to feel better if you haven’t eaten or if you’ve hardly slept. His first step was to get something in your belly, so he got something nice for dinner.

Unless you REALLY felt the need to talk now, he wouldn’t pressure you to fully explain what happened, even though he was really worried. He knows that sometimes, it’s best to let things come naturally. And that you might not be ready. So, his main concern was to just make sure you know you’re loved, no matter what happened that day.

You end up being enveloped in literally every pillow and blanket in the house, with Milo holding you from behind (yes, even if you’re taller than him). The two of you fall asleep in that position.

Once you’re ready, you eventually tell him exactly what happened. And even after sleeping on it, he’s even more angry. It’s one thing for a stranger to make you feel like nothing. But a “friend?”

Normally, he likes working things out, whether it’s his relationships or others. He doesn’t like leaving things unresolved. Especially with old friends. But, in this instance, he may recommend distancing yourself from them.

Again, this makes him uncomfortable. But, knowing how badly they hurt you, the last thing he wants is for them to do it again.

No matter what you choose to do, he your soft, squishy rock. He great at keeping you level-headed through this, because there’s just something… calming, about his presence. And his cuddles and reassurance that despite what they said, you were enough, and he even loved some of your imperfections.

#milo #leon pokemon #milo x reader #leon x reader #pokemon #pokemon swsh #pokemon sword and shield #pokemon imagines #ask #x reader #tw: toxic relationship #darktypeimagines

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yandere-wishes · 5 years

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Twisted Wonderland// Yandere!Staff//

Note that due to a lack of content to work with these characters might appear a little too identical to their Disney counterparts. Director Crowly will later either have his Oneshot or will be added to this. Bear in mind this post may be edited once the game is released.

Warnings: Certain parts of this fanfiction may include abuse and toxic relationships

Divus Crewel

Divus is a sadistic and cruel yandere. His attraction to you was practically imidate. It could be established on simply your outwards appearance, gorgeous eyes, exquisite figure, full lips. Waves of lust coursed through him whenever he laid his stormy grey irises on you. To him, your beauty is not something that needs to be hidden, on the contrary Divus shall go to great lengths to flaunt your charm. Nor does he particularly wish to keep your physical appearance "safe". Lord knows that his punishments are harsh and will always leave many marks. For Divus it's more so about keeping your beauty for himself.

"My, my what a lovely little puppy you are..."

More often than not the monochrome haired man will view you as an exotic pet and he'll strut you around as such. He'll dress you in the most elaborate (and sometimes skimpy) outfits there are. All in shades of black and white with taints of red, silver or gold. Sometimes it'll be a skin-tight halter dress. Other times it could be a spotted mini flared skirt accompanied with a fitted crop top. And of course, you'll always be wearing a red collar as an extra precaution so everyone knows exactly who you belong to.

"...Know come here so I can give you a treat"

As statted before Divus is immensely sadistic, any little stunt has a very painful punishment. Most times he'll chain you up and burn you with a cigarette. Twisting the tip as you scream out for help and mercy all while your skin sizzles. He isn't above using beating you, either using a wipe or his baton. In the end, Divus might even make you thank him, depending on how creative he gets with your punishment. In his warped mind, the scars left by these punishments only make you more beautiful.

Mozus Trein

Mozus is the manipulative type, preferring to twist your thoughts and feelings instead of ever really physically hurting you. He'll spin every word that has ever escaped either of your vocal cords. Twist and mangle them into a beneficial misrepresentation for his selfish desires.

Mozus will prefer to keep you locked away somewhere secluded, most likely away from the college and all the bothersome students and nosey teachers. This will, of course, be hell for you. At first, it was the inability to move for six hours a day. Chained up in the attic with a locked door and no windows. At first, it was modifying, every little noise sent you into an agitated state. If you weren't busily panicking or failing to free yourself. You would sit down and cry and cry and cry until Mozus got back. He'd scold you for being weak but would then sit next to you wiping away your fallen tears. Cooing about how he was here know and you needn't be scared.

"(Y/N)...."

Soon you'll begin to anticipate your capture's return. Despite still getting scared of pretty much every bump, you'd try and compose yourself not wanting to look weak in front of him. You'd visually brighten up when he'd finally walk through that dreaded door, so happy and acquiescent for his company.

After he witnesses how compliant you've become he'll permit you a tiny ounce of freedom. He'll unchain you before he heads off to work. You'd still have to remain in the attic while he'd lock the door and hide the key somewhere. Once he sees that you've made no attempts to escape we'll slowly permit you to roam throughout the house in his absence.

Oh, but he'll always leave you with a large list of chores to complete before he gets back. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. They must all be done perfectly and in six hours. If even the slightest mistake is made you're back to being chained up in the attic. Mozus is a smart man, he knows the more your mind is preoccupied with day to day tasks, the less likely you are to make any foolish attempts at an escape.

"....I have a job for you"

Mozus is indeed in love with you, that why he tries to keep you compliant and by his side. You're safe here, sure you don't see it know and probably hate him for robbing you of your precious freedom. But in due, you'll see his ways and will love him for all he's done for you.

Ashton Vargas

Ashton is very picky when it comes to dating anybody, sure women constantly throw themselves at his feet but really what's the point? Those women may be attractive but their also needy and demand constant attention. Ashton has a very hard time devoting much time to anyone else but himself. If he's in some form of a committed relationship with anyone then they would have to be able to stand on their own two feet and give him space.

So it shouldn't be such a huge revelation that he somehow begins to find the quite girl somewhat attractive. The narcissistic man will soon begin to obsess over someone other than himself.

He'll follow you around, trying to remain out of sight. It's difficult not really, his rather...buffy to be well hidden. He'll practically fall in love with everything you do. The way you're off in your little world oblivious to everything around you. The way there is a certain glid every step you take as if your walking on puffy clouds.

Ashton will talk to you, boast and gloat about practically everything. His looks, his strength, his charming persona. I'm sure you can imagine the vigorous punch it'll be when you show indifference to him. You might not even say anything, yet he knows that you don't care.

"Oh, love..."

This will cause the Night raven PE teacher to go into a frenzy of sorts. His attention won't be constantly on you per se... more so when he isn't thinking of himself, you occupy the better halve of his thoughts. On one particular night, Ashton will take note of the lack of attention he's been paying himself lately. A great portion of his attention is spent on you. Where are you, what are you doing, are you with someone else? The images of you with anyone other than him drove him crazy.

The kidnapping was rather unorthodox, he simply barges into your residence, breaking either a door or window in the prosses. He'd pluck you up, throwing you over his shoulder and simply walk out like everything was normal. You can scream and fight all that you want it's useless, Ashton is just way too strong.

"....You're so lucky to have me by your side"

Once Ashton has you in his grasp things will slowly go back to normal.... as normal as things can be. His main focus will still be himself but he still notices you. He makes sure that you know he does truly care for you even if you are second best.

Sam

Sam is a sneaky manipulative yandere with certain protective qualities. Sam doesn't really care what he has to do to gain your affection. Name your price and it shall be yours! Jewels, riches, expensive clothes, anything, anything at all! All the storekeeper asks in return is your stark love and affection.

At first, he'd lure you, by gifting you little trinkets. Than jewels followed by exquisite dresses. He'd fool you quite easily making you think that he really only has your best interest in mind. You begin to listen to him, do whatever it is he asks of you.

It starts off innocently, helping at Mr. S's Mystery Shop -*cough* fantasy costco *cough*- inventory, helping confused customers, etc. Then it got more personal... asking for your help with dinner, laundry, cleaning the house when he was preoccupied with the store. It was like you live there now, so when Sam "officially," asked you to move in with him you just couldn't decline...

"Don't test me (Y/N)...."

That's not true, you did dismiss the invitation at first. But then when you tried to go back to your own home, back to your family and close friends, things seemed off. Their actions were odd and sluggish. They never acknowledge you're presence, never really spoke to you either. You found yourself fleeing back to Sam's store, crying in his arms about how your loved ones did want you anymore. Shockingly, Sam was still all so kind as to let you move in with him. So kind so sweet as he'd always been.

"I have friends on the other side."

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