If I can't have you, nobody can - pt. 7
A/N: Bruh... I have such a headache but this is coming out quite well. I think a part or two and I'm done with this serie. Enjoy <3
You had been stuck behind a book that you didn't much enjoy but still wanted to finish. It wasn't easy since it had too many uneccessary details that only dragged on through the page. You tried to follow it but your mind kept wandering off.
You could finish this book in a day. You knew that but it was so dull that was why it took you so long to finish it in the first place.
But as you were finally getting into it something flew on your desk.
You felt your heart cut itself into two, three, billion of pieces as you stared at the envelope. Taking it in your hands, you wanted to rip it open but at the same time, you were terrified to see what was written inside.
Since your little encounter with James, the little sleepover you had, you had started to experience an odd feeling in your heart and stomach. Some minutes you thought of him, found yourself seeing his face, his hazel eyes watching you from the balcony. How he wrapped you in a blanket and how he took care of you like a true gentleman.
It made you smile and blush in the moment.
But he was a taken man. He was in love with Lily Evans and you had not spoken to any of them, besides James that night, in almost a year.
You let the envelope stay on the desk.
"I'll see what I want to do with it."
You've walked about hundred of steps down the kitchen floor. Pacing... contemplating and watching it as if it was watching you back.
You hadn't got a single clue why you were being so dramatic about it. It wasn't an acceptance letter, or a description of your death. It was a letter.
Nevertheless, you threw yourself at it and grabbed it. You opened it gently and you could feel your heart beating through your entire body.
"I'll pick you up at three." said the voice behind you, causing you to jump from your seat and point your wand at him. "Woah, woah, woah!" he lifted his hands above his shoulders and started to laugh.
"JAMES YOU- YOU FUCKING FUCK FUCK!" you bent over to catch a breath. "You can't just apparate into my home like that."
"It's a fancy one." he laughed, walking around the kitchen and looking around. "You have zero photos of you or your family. " he mentioned as he kept looking around.
"Yeah... well... we're not your ordinary family." you pulled yourself together and leaned back on the counter. "What-"
"Have you opened my letter just now?" he cut you off and narrowed his eyes at you. "I've sent it around 10am."
"I wasn't planning on opening it, to be honest." you spoke sincerely.
"Ouch." he placed his hand on his heart. "It wouldn't have mattered anyway. I'm here and we're going out."
"We're not going anywhere." you said, grabbing the letter and throwing it in a trash can.
"Oh, come on. We always used to sneak out-"
"No, James. You don't understand." you shot your head at him, furrowing your eyebrows. "You can't just come in here and pretend that we're those kids again- those stupid kids from Hogwarts who didn't spend a day apart. Maybe that kid would go with you right now but this-" you gestured to yourself. "That kid grew up into this. Into an adult, who has responsibilities to take care of."
"All of us have responsibilities." James said more seriously. "I just want us to reconnect again. I want to-" he stopped himself. Something stopped him but you hadn't take notice to it.
"You have Lily to go back to, James." you said out of the blue, almost broken as you did and he took notice of that. He spent years loving every single part of you. Don't you think he hasn't noticed whenever something wasn't right with you. He has. Even when you stopped talking to each other back in Hogwarts.
"You want me to leave and never return?" he asked and you looked at him with a bit of surprise. "Okay." he said and he could see your eyes pleading otherwise. "I'll go and never return. I'll go back to my job and work hard until I can afford a ring so I can propose to Lily. We'll have a big wedding and have a family, loads of them children..." he started to glare at you. "That's what you want."
"Yes." you spoke more of envy than truth.
"Fine but since we won't ever talk or see each other again because you have responsibilities, I might as well tell you."
"Tell me what?"
He stormed towards you until the two of you were inches apart. Before you could say anything, he spoke first. "I fell in love with you when we were both 14 years old and I was mad furious when I saw that you didn't give me a span of a second to notice it. And for those four years I had tried to catch your attention but your attention was always on somebody else. I was jealous, immensely and we stopped talking to you because I was in love with you and you were in love with somebody else. "
"No." you shook your head and took a step back because everything that he was doing sent the wrong chemicals to your brain. You couldn't think straight when he was so close, that the heat from his chest literally radiated onto yours and the breathing of his, furious and attractive, was the only thing you could hear. "I thought I was in love with him. I truly did and when a person gets attached to somebody the line between love and attachment is very blurred." you pushed him away. "I was in love with you." you shoved him again and he felt all of his power waver, his dominance fade and his eyes bulk out from surprise.
"Surprised?" you scoffed, crossing your arms over your chest and smiling. "I was too when all I kept wanting was for you to look at me back in school. But you didn't. Because with Sirius it was fun and games and goofing around but with you shit was real. There weren't only butterflies and happiness, there were all sorts of emotions that I was so afraid of but then imagine you going for the red-head, a Gryffindor, of course. And I was furious and jealous and sad but I made it through and when you were not talking, Sirius still did. Sirius would look at me and he would still let me know I exist."
"YOU DID EXIST! YOU ALWAYS EXISTED INSIDE OF ME!" he started to shout.
"THEN WHY DID YOU LEAVE!?"
"BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOU LOVED HIM MORE THAN ME! AND IF I COULDN'T HAVE YOU, NOBODY COULD!" he started to cry, breathing out a suffocating sob as if he had held it for years and years on. "I've been watching you love him for years. And as a kid, you don't process emotions as you do when you're older but it's coming after me." he continued to look at you as you stood there, speechless. "When you and Sirius talk about this stupid bond the two of you have, it pisses me off and then you tell me that you love me and all I am is confused. It makes me feel left out. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough and you're putting all your feelings and emotions of what that kid did to you. That kid didn't know any better and I can't go back and tell him to not fuck this up. He already fucked it up and I feel that no matter how much I apologised, you wouldn't forgive me. Don't you think I don't know that I hurt you? I am well aware of that and it tears me up inside but I'm trying to fix it and that has to count for something, (y/n). I'm trying but you're not letting me."
You stood there watching him sit down on the chair and take deep, calm breaths in.
"Alright." you said at last and he looked up at you confused. "I'll just get dressed and we'll leave."
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Don’t miss the Yule Ball.
Sirius was already battling with their post break-up situation. He hasn’t moved on, but maybe Remus has, after the Incident with Snape. He has been forgiven by all of the Marauders, but he still doesn’t feel like going to the Yule Ball because he loves dancing a little too much, and to watch Remus dancing with someone who isn’t him is something he won’t be able to cope. He rather he will stay in than go and deal with another heartbreak. However, Remus encourages him to go to the Yule Ball. Is he giving Sirius a chance to improve their ties?
Tags: Post-Incident with Severus Snape, Angst with Happy Ending, Getting Back Together, Trust Issues.
The distress was like a cold molten lava, spreading in Sirius’ chest to deepen the void that was already created inside of him. He could feel it. The hollowness around his heart, but simultaneously there was something heavy. Like a boulder, sitting at the top of his chest. There was exhaustion in his veins, plummeting his blood pressure that made him unlike the person he used to be: steady, hyperactive, and energetic. He didn’t know what he wanted, so he let life go through him. He thought he may never live, might as well survive because he was not ready to die yet. There was still hope. A newly aroused hope of getting his friends back in his life after the two and a half month of shutting out in consequential to the Incident with Severus Snape.
Three days ago, James and Peter had asked Sirius to come in the dorm when he had been sitting in the common room, literally, doing nothing but staring at the fire grates before him. All of the Marauders, including Remus, had gathered in the dorm awkwardly.
“Look, Sirius,” James had been the one to break the silence, and Sirius’ perplexity, “Whatever we have with you is just too real and close that—we cannot just see you being so…”
“Different.” Peter had said.
“Yes, different!” Sirius had never seen James so nervous, “And we know how sorry you are for what you did.” Sirius could distinctly recall that he had flinched at those words.
“So…” Remus had begun, not meeting Sirius’ eyes, “We would like to give you a chance.”
Sirius had expected himself to smile or laugh in happiness that finally his friends had decided to forgive him, but he didn’t—more like, he couldn’t. James and Peter had been staring at him with funny looks on their faces, while Remus had a tired look as if he had been forcefully asked to forgive him. Sirius didn’t even internally blame him for that, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t hurt.
“Thank you. You have no idea how much this all means to me.” Sirius had said. He knew that time was the only key to slip into normalcy, so he went with the flow.
This time of the year, Hogwarts was illuminating with more candles, and stardust in every corridor. The lavatory sections had more irises and lilies, and the Library was filled with color-changing lanterns hanging in the mid-air. All of this was because of the Triwizard Tournament was being held, and the awaited guests from other wizarding schools were welcomed to avail the chance of becoming the lucky participant in the Tournament. The students from Drumstrang, and Beauxbatons were roaming around the decorated Hogwarts.
“They should see the real face of Hogwarts, dull and old-fashioned. Not the flowery one. That’s called deception.” Marlene commented, making everyone snigger around her. She never failed to catch attention.
“That’s called hospitality, Marls. Try to be positive.” Dorcas flung her arm around her to pull her closer so she kissed her cheek. Sirius tried not to look because it painfully reminded him of his rock solid relationship with Remus Lupin, before it crashed brutally after one reckless mistake. He rubbed his eyes because he felt tried. Again. He was tired all the time, but he didn’t like being in bed in odd hours. It made him feel useless.
“So, that means I get to take you as my date for the Yule Ball?” Sirius’ ears stood alerted at Marlene’s muffled voice in the crowd.
Of course, the Yule Ball. He loved going to the balls, and waltzing with the music. If there was anything the Black family had taught and he had loved, were the dancing lessons. He had always imagined holding a certain someone close to him, and waltz with them peacefully. This was his secret. He had never displayed it. After he had realized that he had a crush on Remus, he had always pictured him in his dreams, slowly swaying through the soft music. His hand holding Remus’ while his other one on his waist, leading him. He had never enjoyed dancing with girls. They were too small and delicate to hold, except Marlene who was tall and broad.
The night befell, and everyone filed to their dormitories from the Great Hall after the dinner. Sirius was quietly walking with the Marauders, highly tensed because he was in pace with Remus who hadn’t utter a single word to him since the forgiveness. James was loudly speaking as usual, his arm around Peter’s shoulder, while craning his neck in every angle to find a certain fiery red head in the flood of students.
“Evans! You and me to the Yule Ball, how does that sounds?” He called out once he had spotted her.
“Nauseating.” She replied, causing an eruption of laughter from the sea of student around them.
“Oh come on! You won’t regret!” He continued his show of stupidity but suddenly Sirius’ hand brushed the neighboring one, accidently. He and Remus responded at the same time by flinching away their hands.
Remus was scarlet in the face, and Sirius felt liked he had touched something electric. He could still feel the burning on his fingers. They walked in their respectful distance, and Sirius started to feel the same process of hollowness in his chest. He was sad. Very sad. They were never supposed to be like this. He missed Remus, but it all seemed like he had lost him forever. Remus had forgiven him, but not by his heart. And it was nothing but heart-breaking. Sirius felt a strong surge of emotion as if he was going to have breakdown in the middle of the staircase. He held the railing of the stairs, widening the distance between him and Remus. Sirius stopped there to breathe out, hoping his friends wouldn’t notice. However, his friends were nor heedless neither heartless. Specifically, Remus wasn’t.
“Sirius? Are you okay?” Remus retreated from the crowd to stand beside him. Sirius felt heated up, and not because he had any rage reserved in the corners of his heart or mind.
“Yeah, yeah. I’m fine.” He tried to act nonchalant, “You go ahead. I just need a break from the walking.”
“No, it is okay, I’ll stay with you until you are good to go.” Remus’ voice was very soft, and Sirius wished that he never leave him, even as a friend. Remus was too precious to lose. Sirius stayed silent. He kept breathing in and out, until his heartbeat became normal. Suddenly, he realized that the staircase was changing with a thud, signifying that all of the students were vanished and gone to their dorms, leaving Remus and Sirius alone.
“How are you feeling?” Remus’ wide amber eyes looked into the dull grey ones, probably for the first time in a longest while. Sirius smiled at the question. How was he feeling? He was feeling sad, useless, pathetic, sick, disappointed, and hopeless and so much that wasn’t easy to name or comprehend.
“I’m feeling better now.” He answered instead.
“Well, looks like it going to be a long detour since the staircase is leading to the third floor. Four floors away.” Remus’ mouth quirked up in an uneasy smile. Sirius smiled back at him as they both began to climb the stairs.
There was silence hanging between them. Surprisingly, it wasn’t uncomfortable to Sirius because he had nothing to say which made his mind a little less chaotic. He had tried saying everything to Remus; the fact how much he regretted his mistake, how much sorry he felt, how much he valued his relationship with Remus, how much unconditionally he was in love with him. All explanations had gone into vain. He decided he had nothing to say.
“Here,” Sirius looked to his side to see that Remus was offering him a goblet of water.
“What is that?” He asked.
“Just water. You need it.” Sirius wanted to slap himself. Of course, he knew it was water, then why asked?
“Thanks.” He took the goblet from his hand. His finger brushed with his that sent tingling feelings to his body.
“So, what are you planning for day after tomorrow?” Remus asked sheepishly, smiling half-heartedly, trying to make a conversation.
“What is on day after tomorrow?”
There is sudden pause, and Sirius had to look at Remus who seemed slightly taken aback.
“I thought you knew,” He mumbled under his breath, “I meant—the Ball. The Yule Ball. Are you going?”
An ugly feeling suddenly jabbed him in the stomach.
“Oh—that. I forgot, to be honest.”
Remus chuckled awkwardly.
“But—umm…” Sirius hesitated, “No, I don’t think I’ll be going.”
“Oh.” Remus became silent then.
They were now on the fifth floor corridor, chasing the giant staircase to lead them to the seventh floor.
“Any particular reason?” Remus piped up, and Sirius felt his lung was lacking air.
“I don’t like dancing.” He lied. And SHIT! He lied to the wrong person. Remus stared at him for a little longer as if he was scanning him.
“You don’t like dancing.” Remus said than asked.
“I don’t like dancing.” Sirius repeated, hoping that saying it again and again would become a truth.
“You don’t like dancing.” Remus repeated too, under his breath but Sirius had heard him. He knew that Remus had spotted the lie, and now Sirius Black was surely labelled as a liar.
“What about you?” Sirius asked to erase the discomfort in the air. They were still chasing the staircase.
“Yeah, I think I will.” Remus replied. Sirius nodded, repressing his sad loneliness, but Remus continued, “I think you should go too. The ball is just not about dancing. You don’t have to dance, just have some fun.”
Sirius smiled at him because Remus’ voice is cheerful and encouraging. Maybe he could go. Maybe this was the chance to heal things in their relationship. Maybe Remus was giving him.
He kept thinking, quietly until they were on the seventh floor. The portrait of Gryffindor Tower was before them.
“Just think about it, you know,” Remus said gently, “Banana Fritters.”
The portrait door opened, and the common room was empty. They climbed to the dormitory when Remus slowed his pace to stop before the door.
“After everything, all of us deserve some fun,” Remus spoke tenderly again, his eyes softening and a hint of smile on his lips. Sirius returned the smile, but it was painful. He couldn’t get a word out of him. They stood there facing each other before Remus came close, and gathered him in his embrace.
Sirius felt like he became numb, all of a sudden. He was there, under Remus’ arms. Wide-eyed, his body paralyzed, and his blood racing abnormally. Trying to process how, where, why and what just happened.
Suddenly, hot tears obscured his vision before they began streaming endlessly. Sirius didn’t remember if he brought his hands up to hug him back but he was able to feel Remus tightening his embrace. He sobbed into his shoulder, and Remus let him. That was enough. It had never felt so comforting.
Chapter 2 coming soon!
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