Are we destined to always reach but never obtain? You with the shore and me with him? Are you going to erode rocks and tremble tremendously while I erode myself and shake horribly with my love for him? Am I meant to give always and reach forever, without ever touching? Am I to have the same fate as you, my mother the ocean? From whom I tremble out of fear of your depths, and I wonder what’s just beneath the surface? Is that who I am destined to be? Always spoken to but never asked about? Always admired but never truly understood or loved? I don’t know how much longer I can wait and break like your waves. It hurts, have you been hurting all this time like this too? Is that why you scream with your waves and cave with your depths? Are you in pain too?
(Pause)
So there it is. You are finally understood, with your treacherous dips and dives but here I am yet again, understanding but never understood. I love you, and again you will not say anything. Even when I ask. At least you can say someone understands you I suppose.
I am drawing the curtains now, seated at the throne and my crown is well-settled. I unveil emotions that are raw, and sometimes uncomfortable. I swim through oceans of pain and watch people at the shore extend their arms that would never reach me.
Amidst the roaring noise, how do I whisper that the waves have accepted me? The shore in my sight seems to be drifting away but I am no longer afraid of drowning. In my dreams I have learned that no depths of drowning will really kill me. There's a warm home inside these deep waters now. I have learned how to be okay with others not being okay with me.
There is no end I can see, there is always a direction to turn to, but for a heartbeat it seems frivolous. And I hope you understand this too, that you can't be living your life without loving yourself.
Today, I stood at the edge of the world. I leaned against the chipped and discolored paint, bathed in the light of the setting sun and I dug my toes into the soft grass before the cliff. The waves lapped at the shore below me and I inhaled as the wind whipped my hair about my face.
There, beside a lighthouse before the sea, I decided I could stay for all eternity. I could be alone on that cliffs edge in the twilight of the setting sun forever, frozen in my quiet solitude, and I would be happy.
I-was-happy, because for one moment I did stand on that cliff for eternity, hidden from the world but saturated by it. It was all I knew for those couple minutes as my present stretched to infinity.
I was a lone goddess on my solitary and ever setting shore, and I was happy.
i am in the ocean or maybe i am the ocean
or maybe the ocean swells and i swell with it.
i asked my mother once if i was more cliffside or desert,
and she looked me in the eyes and told me she had never seen
anything in me but ocean.
the salt, the wind, the foam
that coats your ankles and sticks sand to skin,
the sun floating in the sky and its light that bounces
up off the waves like it’s playing with you. the ocean
breathes in sand-scented air and i am 5 again,
and i’m rushing at the seagulls until they scatter
into that big blue sky. it breathes out
and i’m night-swimming, 19, and the moon is almost full.
my clothes are stuck-to-skin and my hair is slicked
back with saltwater and i can’t hear
past the wind and the roar of the waves.
the moonlight glitters on the water in front of me.
I feel like the ocean is a representation of mental illness. Because it can be so beautiful, but so deadly. One moment you can be laughing with friends and having fun, and the next your suffocating in these world shattering emotions that are ripping you apart from the inside out.
The death of something so great, something so magnificent.
One with water, one with song.
Something so pristine, something so pure.
It’s beauty and grace parting with the water as it takes its final breath before succumbing to the fathomless pressure.
How its body shall sink as it withers and decays.
How its bloody oozing meat will be ripped off its corpse by the strange and the starving.
How its flesh will be torn and its bones shall become riddled with worms.
How it shall rot.
…
I am not pristine. I am not pure.
I am not one with water. I fear the waves. I fear the abyssal depths.
I am not one with song. Strained music with disjointed chords fills my mind. This disharmony and agony troubles me as I sit and waste and let the screeching sorrows consume me.
I am not pristine. I am not pure.
And yet I shall rot.
….
The rot does not discriminate between the pure and corrupted.
We will all decompose in the end, regardless of beauty. Regardless of grace. Regardless of greatness and pure and utter magnificence.
The worms will riddle my bones the same as those at peace.