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killjoyfem · a day ago
(tw) thinking about the time when i lost my virginity
i was 16 and heavily into partying and i got really intoxicated and it happened with a stranger. and i was too drunk to say no but also too drunk to say yes and the guy was 1. not drunk and 2. didn’t even wear a condom. i bled a ton and the next day i hurt all over my insides and from then on my self hatred began: “why did i do that? why why why”
i always told myself beforehand that it didn’t matter if i cared about the person that i first slept with because a guy i loved was probably going to break my heart anyways. and i was just coming off a year long abusive relationship with a 22(!!!) year old so extremely jaded
i stop myself from thinking about that experience as r*pe because i wasn’t crying, i never said no. i do feel violated but it’s my own fault and it makes me so angry at myself.
yes, you’re completely NOT a bad person if you choose to have casual sex. your virginity is not a defining factor of your worth as a woman, this isn’t about purity. but by putting yourself out there like that you’re opening yourself up to bad people who will traumatize and take advantage of you. you should question things. you should question if you’re acting hypersexual and your mental health isn’t great right now. men will prey on young girls at parties, they’re extremely pushy, and if you’re a naive teenager who desperately wants to be a “party girl” and act out, you might be doing these things as self harm, you might be falling prey without even realizing there’s predators around you.
i’m 22 today and the regret and the hurt never went away. sex doesn’t make you dirty. but sex still matters. the people you allow close and the situations you put yourself in, they all matter. take care of the girl you are today for the sake of the woman you will be tomorrow. protect them both
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