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buckybarnesdiaries · 3 years

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longing, rusted, seventeen, daybreak, furnace, nine, benign, homecoming, one, freight car

bucky barnes x reader. ⎢ masterlist.

Bucky is kidnapped by Hydra to reactivate the Winter Soldier.

word count: 2.924 words. it worth it, i promise!!!

warnings/tags: none. angst as hell mostly. but it has a happy ending.

author notes: i don't speak russian, but i haven't used google translate either, so no worries. none of my stories contain reader’s body descriptions to be inclusive.

join the tag list NEW!!! here.

No. It couldn't be possible. It had to be part of a terrible nightmare. Bucky couldn't have been kidnapped by Hydra again.

You didn't know what to expect in the ship flying to the secret location of the organization. For Stark, it didn't take more than a couple of minutes to track the arm down, since Shuri put a small monitor on it when the soldier stayed in Wakanda. She never told it, wanting to use it in some kind of circumstance like the one you all were going through now. And you couldn't be more grateful, but it didn't help to make you feel better.

You were sitting close to the back hatch. Back rested against the metallic wall and legs curled to your chest. Nothing inside your head more than the hallucination of a pair of blue eyes staring at you. Blaming yourself was something you couldn't avoid. You should have been with him, by his side, protecting him as many times you promised him. But in fact, you just failed him. You failed his trust, his love. You let them take him. Only God knew which torture Hydra was putting him under, while you were there, lamenting.

You didn't even notice Steve's presence squatting next to you until he placed a hand on your shoulder. Then, you raised your face towards him. He was suffering too. In the end, Bucky was his long-life friend, his big brother. He lost him once and felt like he was going to lose him twice. Although this time was different. You were carrying the dispositive that could put to sleep back the winter soldier, but, at what cost?

“Buck got you now. Everything is gonn—”. He spoke in plural, referring to your last night's talk.

“How could you be so calm, Steve? How do you do it?” You whispered through your trembling lips, about to break in crying.

“Because he needs us focused, not distracted”.

He was wise. Captain America was wiser than anyone in that ship. He curled the left corner of his lips up, trying to make you feel good, trying to transmit you the encouragement you needed to not give up. And he did, more or less. You had to fight harder than ever. For Bucky, and only for Bucky. That's why you didn't hesitate on jumping out from the ship when it landed on the cold hard ground, as the freezing weather hit you on the face.

Following the plan, you ran quietly to the back door hidden under a huge layer of snow. Shaking part of it with the palm of your hand, you placed the device with technology from Wakanda on the locker. Not later than fifteen seconds, it deciphered the code to open the hatch. Once in position, the Avengers followed you downstairs. The passage was empty and silent. The only sound that broke it was a couple of rats running away from your presence. You all had studied the plans of the building, mostly underground, remembering exactly where you had to go.

The coast was clear, that was the reason why you all were so confused. You were expecting to find more than a dozen of agents, but when T'Challa enunciated through your earwigs that he only located two heat spots, you couldn't believe it. How only one man kidnapped the most fearless assassin up to now? Tortuous and bitter screams dragged you back to reality, causing your brain to react to make your legs run faster than ever in your whole damn life. You knew by heart that voice beneath all the pain.

Your skin bristled when your gaze landed on that chair of horrors, connected to an enormous power source. Bucky was sitting there against his want.

“... добросердечный… возвращение на родину… один…”

“STOP IT”. Steve yelled.

Huge mistake. You were aware of it when —yes— that man stopped reciting the Russian words to re-activate the Winter Soldier, but only enough time to push a red button near to him and close the heavy door in front of you. Everything happened in the blink of an eye. At the moment you glimpsed Steve’s shield sliding above the floor, straight to the inside of the room where Bucky was being tortured, you followed the same way. Never in your life, you were this fast. Like a lightning bolt, you snaked yourself under the small distance between the door and the ground before being closed. Now, it was you, that man and the soldier.

“You’re late…” He mocked with an awful American accent, under James crying out loud in pain. “грузовой ваг—”.

Your left hand moved quickly to unholster your gun and shoot him. One… Two… Three… Four bullets right to his head. The man fell dead before he couldn’t complete the command. You didn’t lose time, running to the controls to try to turn that machine off. But it was impossible. Even if you knew Tony could do it, there wasn’t signal inside those large and wide walls made of steel reinforced. You were in one of those abandoned soviet bunkers, that could save you from Armageddon. You were inhaling and exhaling so fast that your lungs never got really full, trying to focus, trying to shut every single noise around up. Trying to think of a plan b. But it was your heart who pushed you to act and not your brain. Grabbing Steve’s shield, you aimed for the energy source before tossing it like a damn frisbee.

That thing blew up, turning off any kind of light and dispositive around, as the sparks and the cables decorated your surroundings. Just like the fire that started to burn down a pile of boxes with different documents of Hydra. But that wasn't why you were impatient. Catching the shield when it came back to you, your legs moved immediately to Bucky, still stirring on his seat for a few seconds else. Then, he simply stopped shaking. Her eyes were wide opened. Reddened, in tears. His chest rose and fell violently. His heart was racing. And you could see the trauma taking control over his body in holy silence.

You didn't doubt removing the protection from his mouth along the restraints keeping him on the chair. Your fingers trembled like never before, not having any more time to lose. Probably, the Avengers would be trying to open the door when the emergency red lights illuminated the bunker, producing a loud alarm sound to indicate that something was going wrong inside the facilities.

“C'mon, Buck… C'mon, we have to leave”. You told him, trying to help him to stand up.

But as soon as your hand was about to land on his arm of vibranium, the five cold digits got closed around your throat. Soon, the lack of air for you was more than evident. He got up on his own, not needing you to do it. The ocean blue in his eyes turned into a dark storm. There wasn't any gesture on his face, more than his jaw clenching, pressing his teeth together. That wasn't Bucky —your Bucky—, but the unstable trained assassin Hydra turned him in. You could barely gulp saliva, gripping his metallic wrist with both of your hands to try to stop him from murdering you.

He couldn't. He couldn't kill you. His strength was suffocating you with no mercy, though.

For a moment, you felt too weak to fight, seeing everything around you getting blurred and darker. Blacking out. But there was something inside you, a sweet tone of voice calling your name. A male voice. Your eyelids rolled down bit by bit, wanting to concentrate on that honeyed sound being closer and closer.

“любить”.

The sore whisper left your lips. Love. The first time Bucky told you about love came to your mind. He told you about his family. George, Winnifred, Rebecca. He told you how much he desired to have a family of his own. To be loved.

“новый”.

Your almost dead fingers traced the form of his new arm made in Wakanda when you felt him lifting you from the floor, being suspended on air.

“сороковых годов”.

Trying to keep a firm tone of voice as much as the pressure let you, the Russian words were spat to the confused soldier, who wasn't understanding what you were doing. The forties changed his life. He was sent to war and, lately, captured by HYDRA. It was something he'd never forget, part of his DNA.

“заката”.

You didn't know what the hell your subconscious was doing either till that precise instant. You were reprogramming him. You were using his own memories to reset his wiped brain from them. Dusk. The first night he spent in Wakanda, Bucky was terrified. But you stayed with him. You comforted him by saying that everything was going to be okay, that his life would be different. That he was safe. That he was at home.

“лето”.

His last night of summer in that kingdom, Bucky took you to his favorite place between the woods, wanting to show you the fireflies fluttering in the middle of the gloom. He used to walk there whenever he woke up from a nightmare. Those small insects used to make him feel better for some reason he didn't comprehend. Until he saw their light reflecting on your amazed orbs. Bucky knew then he was in love with you. Besides his long-life friend, the only person who never judged him, who never ran away from him. The same person that now was dying under his fingers.

“шесть”

Six years took him to be Bucky, after his last war, after the last effort, after the last jump. He was a new man. You made him a new man. A good one. You guided him through the right way. You helped him to get used to the twenty-one century. You accompanied him to therapy and stayed in the waiting room every single session until he finished.

“заткнуться”.

The soldier ordered you to shut up, earning quite the opposite when you knew it was sorting some kind of effect on him, as soon as you felt some relief by the grip loosening around your throat and your tiptoes touching the ground. Little by little, you opened your eyes again, gluing them on the blue ones fixed on you.

“боец”.

He wasn't a super soldier, he was a fighter. He spent the last six years of his life fighting for it, fighting for ruling his existence, fighting for being pardoned for crimes he didn't want to commit, fighting for your love. Bucky furrowed swallowing, allowing you to place your feet on the floor.

“Бруклин”.

And when he demonstrated to the world that he was no longer the Winter Soldier, but James Bucky Barnes, he moved to his birthplace. Brooklyn. You and he rented an apartment together when you both learned that you couldn't live apart. That you were made for each other.

“Отец…”

A tear ran down your cheek, slowly moving your left hand to his free one. A shiver toured his backbone when he felt your warm touch holding his hand and, even if his cold fingers were still around your throat, the soldier bowed his head to follow the connection between the two of you. His flesh hand landed on your stomach, pressing it under yours, trying to transmit to him the news about your pregnancy status. Bucky was going to be a father. You were going to build a family as he always wished.

“Свобода”.

As the sob escaped your soul, his hand made of vibranium released your neck. Freedom was what he got after all those years.

Bucky was free.

His hold was the only thing that kept you on your feet, pining to the cold hard ground, as well as you trying to fill your lungs with the heavy air around you because of the dense smoke coming from the flames burning down that damn place. You watched Bucky picking the shield close to you, probably believing it could be easier to kill you with it than with his own hands. Your arms automatically wrapped your abdomen, as if you could protect your unborn child from that horror, crying James' name to remember you.

“James… James…”

You weren't able to stop whining, feeling a heavy sorrow under your chest, covering your vitals organs. The noisy sound from the bunker was suddenly turned into a constant beep, beep, beep that caused you to frown yet keeping your eyes closed. You called him once and again until a warm hand laced his fingers with you. Peace invaded you eventually, after a fond squeeze around your skin followed by a pair of rough lips pressed on your forehead. You let yourself go, not finding any strength inside your heart to continue awake.

The next time you opened your eyes, you needed a moment to adjust your gaze to the sunlight. Purring feeling more comfortable than before, you rolled on your stomach, sinking your nose into the large pillow. Bucky's scent was like a punch of reality. Your eyes snapped open as your pulse increased, starting to panic. Sitting up, your orbs moved quickly all around the room you recognized instantly. It was your dorm in the Compound, the one you used to share with your boyfriend —and the father of your child. It was empty. No trace of James anywhere. You tossed away the oxygen mask and the sheets covering your stiff anatomy, getting up from the bed. Another huge mistake.

Everything spun around you, feeling strong dizziness hitting your head, having to sit down for a second. But as soon as you felt recovered, you stood up again walking straight to the main door to step out. The hallway was deserted, hearing some voices coming from the meeting room. You followed them slowly, finding balance with your palm against the walls. Sam was the first one noticing your presence, coming faster to help you.

“James… James…” You mumbled, not really sure about when you started to sob again, whilst your muscles got tense with every syllable.

“He's okay, he's okay, take it easy, girl”. He tried to calm you as Steve reached you to bring you to the closest chair.

“We don't know what you did… but even if that man introduced the commands again… you turned it off”. Natasha spoke this time.

“I re— I repro— reprogramed him”.

The confusion was more than evident between the Avengers present in the room. But no one of them had the need to ask how. The spy taught you Russian in your free time, you weren't a fluent speaker, but it was enough to have a chat. Even so, you weren't going to say the words you used. You weren't going to make Bucky go through another wipe. If they worked, you'd make sure that he'd hear them when the occasion required it.

“I wan— wanna see him… please”. You cried covering your face with both hands, desolated after the hell of the situation you had to live.

“He's resting”. Steve informed you, squatting close and placing a hand on your right thigh to gently caress it. “And you should do the same. For your baby”.

“There's no way you're gonna stop me from seeing him”. You replied, raising your head and looking at him through your eyelids. Silently pleading.

He snorted, convinced that you wouldn't change your mind. Nodding two times with his head, he stood up and offered you a hand to hold it and help you to walk. Steve guided you through upstairs, following your pace step by step —he could have carried you onto his arms, but he wasn't sure if he could hurt you accidentally. You were too weak, barely breathing properly because of all the smoke you swollen inside the bunker. Although you started to feel somewhat erratic and excited as you were coming to Bucky's old dorm.

Steve opened the door for you, letting you walk inside before closing it behind your back. Your boyfriend was peacefully sleeping under the sheets. There were some scars on his face, already healed but yet seeming painful. The only explanation you found to be there was that Bucky used the shield to open the door and take you out of the bunker. A theory that made more sense when you noticed that he hadn't his prosthesis and his shoulder was covered by a thin black microfiber.

You headed to the bed, tucking in to wrap his warm and heavy body between your arms. At the moment he felt you, he embraced you as better as he could, not opening his eyes but shedding a tear. His lips started to tremble as you pecked them, previous to hiding his face into your neck.

“I'm so sorry…” Bucky sobbed, causing your whole anatomy to shudder because of the sorrow in his voice.

“We're gonna be okay, my love… You, me, our baby… Our family”.

His crying increased after those two words, caressing his back slowly to comfort him somehow. You knew that this recovery would be hard and painful, being conscious of how close he had been to end with your life. He didn't want to do it, nobody could deny it. You were everything he had, everything he always wished for deep inside his soul and heart. And the acknowledgment of having a baby with you only provoked him to feel guiltier.

But as you said so, everything was going to be okay.

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youare-mysonshine · 3 years

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heavy || bucky barnes

Summary: reader’s mental health has been taking a decline and bucky is there.

Requested: No

Pairing: TFATWS Bucky Barnes x reader

Warnings: talks of mental health, depression, anxiety, angst, cussing.

Word Count: 3.2K

A/N: Hey guys, I’m back I guess lmao. I’ve really been struggling with my mental health lately and I guess I kinda just wanted to put it into words, something productive? And I’ve been feeling our angsty emo boy bucky barnes. Most of you might’ve followed me for my Oscar fics but I kinda wanna branch out and I thought this would be a good time to do so. Anyways, I know that some of you have inboxed me or messaged me and I haven’t responded and I’m sorry. But I just want you all to know that if you’re struggling, I’m always here to talk. About anything, always. So, I hope you enjoy this. I might’ve cried while writing this lmao and I also might’ve ended it on such an awkward place but, i’m still getting used to writing again. (Flashbacks are in italics)

————

Bucky didn’t miss the dark circles under your eyes. He didn’t miss the way you sort of slouched as you approached him. He didn’t miss the way that your smile didn’t really meet your eyes.

“Hey,” You said in a breathless voice. “Sorry, I’m late. I got held up.” You said as you took a seat across from him in the booth. Held up. It was better than telling him that you were thinking of just not showing up at all. In the end, you knew that you couldn’t do that. You couldn’t just blow off your new friend who you had so enjoyed spending time with. So, in a rush, you got dressed and made your way to the small, quiet diner that you two had taken to frequenting together. Bucky Barnes was an enigma if you’d ever met one. The way that you had met was rather.. cliche and something straight from a story.

You had been trying to lay off of the caffeine for a while, realizing that you had nearly gone through an entire packet of 32 k-pods that you had just purchased. You realized that you might’ve had a problem. You had been going pretty strong with staying away from caffeine for the time being, until you passed by a coffee shop and got a whiff of coffee. You just couldn’t help yourself; you bought a cup of coffee. It was when you were walking down the street, holding the cup of coffee in one hand, looking down, that you didn’t see someone walking right in your path. You had collided into what seemed like a solid wall and the impact had caused you to squeeze the cup of coffee in surprise, the warm liquid burning your hand, staining your clothes and the other person. You had realized it was another person you had crashed into when you heard them let out a low cuss.

Bucky’s grumpy self had been fully prepared to tell you off for crashing into him, having just left his therapist’s office, but when you looked up at him with those bright eyes of yours, a million apologies spilling from your lips a mile a minute, he swallowed whatever harsh words had nearly sprung forth. He had apologized as well; both of you had been at fault. Bucky had been going over his session with Dr. Raynor that morning, completely lost in his own mind, and you had your eyes trained on the ground, something that was a bad habit of yours. The shock of realizing you had bumped into a man, a really really handsome man with the brightest blue eyes you had ever seen, had made you temporarily forget that you had practically scorched your hand with the coffee, and that you had gotten it on him as well.

“I’m so, so sorry.” You said once again, quickly averting your eyes from the handsome stranger’s face. Instead you focused on the smushed cup in your hand and the stains on his leather jacket. It just made you feel even terrible. “I, I can pay for you to get your jacket cleaned, if you want. Really. I wasn’t paying attention and I just, for whatever reason, squished my cup and.. I’m sorry.” You said, kind of breathlessly.

“It’s.. it’s alright.” His voice was like the coffee that you had been drinking. Smooth and rich. It was deep, something that reverberated deep in your chest and had your stomach fluttering with butterflies. “I wasn’t paying attention either. Really, it’s fine. And don’t worry about my jacket. No harm, no foul.” He said. “You should, uh, you should take care of that hand. Hope you didn’t burn yourself too bad.” He gestured to your hand, still clutching the cup, with one of his own gloved hands.

“Oh, I’ll be fine. It wasn’t that hot. Thank you, though. And again, I’m really, really sorry.” Sparing one, seemingly, last glance at the handsome stranger, you side stepped him and began to walk away, tossing the empty cup of coffee in a trash can on the sidewalk. But you didn’t get very far because that deep voice called out to you, halting you in your tracks.

“Can I buy you another cup of coffee?” Bucky’s mouth had opened and spoken the words long before his brain could even catch up. He didn’t know why he had asked you that, but something in his gut was just telling him too.

“What?” A look of total bewilderment had crossed your face and he had seen it.

“I just, well I thought that, since I bumped into you, I could make it up to you by buying you a new cup of coffee. If you wanted, I mean. You don’t have to say yes if you don’t want to. I don’t wanna make you uncomfortable or anything.” Bucky clarified, hand stuffed in his pocket, waiting for your answer. For a few seconds, you simply stood there, unsure of what to say because surely this wasn’t happening? The last time that you had gone out with a guy was.. well, shit, you didn’t even remember the last time. The little voice in the back of your head, that anxious, paranoid little voice, was telling you not to go off with a stranger. You’d watched too many episodes of Criminal Minds and other true crime shows and documentaries to know that situations like this never turned out well. However, you didn’t get a bad feeling from this particular man. He seemed just as awkward and slightly frazzled as you felt. So you agreed.

“I’m Bucky, by the way.”

“Y/N.”

That had happened about two months ago. Ever since then, you and Bucky had formed a strong friendship. Your first time getting coffee with him had been awkward, as were the next few times that you had seen one another. But things got easier. Becoming friends was easy. You kind of fell into this routine, almost as if you two had known each other your whole lives. That was why Bucky telling you who he really was had been terrifying for him. He carried around guilt and shame and just contempt for everything he’d done. Everything The Winter Soldier represented, and when he told you, he figured that you would think the same. He had asked you meet him at the diner that had now become your spot and and you remember how he nervously wrung his gloved hands together. You remember when you asked him what was wrong and he didn’t verbally respond but he took off his gloves; the right one first and then the left, revealing a shiny black metal hand, golden lines intricately placed.

He told you then. Maybe he didn’t tell you everything but he told you who he was and he had braced himself for you to get up and storm out. Or, to yell at him and tell him how much of a monster he was. But, it never came. Instead, you reached out and placed your hand on top his. Not his real hand, but the metal one. You didn’t say anything. You just gave him that smile that was quickly becoming his favorite. Sometimes, silence spoke a thousand words. To Bucky, you had become kind of a respite for him. Even in the late nights or mornings when he woke up after a nightmare. Or after a particularly hard session with Dr. Raynor. He had closed himself off from other people except you.

Bucky might not have known it, but he gave you the same level of comfort as you gave him. You found yourself craving his presence. Every time you were around him, you couldn’t help but to smile or laugh. In the time that you spent together, your mind was clear and free from all your worries. It all evaporated into thin air. Your mind, usually so active with all sorts of thoughts and worries, could finally rest when you were with Bucky. You could sleep. You could get up in the morning without that stress and anxiety drowning you. It was okay. It was great.

Until it wasn’t.

“No problem, doll.” He said, gloved hands clasped under the table on his lap. “I already ordered. Got your usual. Hope that was alright.” He added, to which you nodded absentmindedly.

“Yeah, yeah. That’s fine. Thanks Buck.” You said, mustering up a half hearted smile that didn’t reach your eyes. It was like even smiling drained the energy from you. You were exhausted. Not even just physically but mentally and emotionally. You had been having such good days for a while now, since meeting Bucky. You felt like maybe you would finally be alright but.. this feeling of hopelessness, the feeling that nothing was quite right, it was heavy. It weighed you down. It suffocated you. You wanted to be alone, but you also couldn’t stand to be alone because when you were alone, you were just stuck in your head and being in your head was the absolute worst place to be.

The intrusive thoughts had started. They told you that you would do nothing but weigh Bucky down. That he didn’t need someone like you in his life, someone with clear problems of their own, when he was going to therapy trying to better himself. Even if it had been mandatory for him to go. You wanted to push him away, save him from yourself, but you also couldn’t stand the thought of losing him.

Bucky noticed the shift in you. Normally when you two met up, whether it was at the diner or anywhere else, you would usually talk his ear off. Not that he minded, he was content to just sit back and listen to you. Sometimes, you’d tell him about a new book that you had started reading. You had just started reading the fifth Harry Potter book and you were trying to get him to read them. You’d tell him about your day. You’d ask him how his day went, how it went with Dr. Raynor, though you never pushed for more information. You always let him share if he was comfortable with it and he appreciated that. Sometimes you teased him for being such an old man.

The food came soon after you had arrived and sure enough, Bucky had ordered your usual. It sent a pang through your heart when you realized that he had memorized your order, down to the extra syrup and whipped cream on the pancakes. Bucky always liked to make fun of you for ordering the same thing when you came to the diner. No matter what time it was, you always ordered the pancakes with extra syrup and extra whip cream, with the strawberries on the side. Secretly, though he found it adorable.

Today, you had barely even taken more than a few bites and that was what really let Bucky know that something wasn’t right. You kept your head down, eyes on the pancakes and you cut them up, bringing a few up to your mouth and chewing slowly, but you mostly just moved them around your plate with the fork in your hand. Bucky himself had barely taken only a few bites of the food he’d ordered for himself, but it wasn’t for lack of appetite, it was because of the growing concern. His bright blue eyes were now a stormy grey, kind of like the clouds that you see during a heavy storm. His brows were furrowed, giving him an appearance almost as if he were angry.

“You alright, Y/N? You’ve barely eaten your food and normally you finish before I do.” He attempted to joke, to bring about that smile that seemed to always fill him with warmth. He half expected you to look up at him with that cheeky little smile, a mischievous look in your eyes and say “You know, I would be offended by that, but I know why you eat so slow, Buck. I completely understand. You don’t want your dentures to fall out.” But it never came.

You don’t know what it was. Bucky asking you if you were alright or if it was simply all the pressure of just.. everything, finally breaking, but you could feel the hot tears in your eyes. They blurred your vision until you couldn’t really see the plate of the pancakes in focus. The dam had finally come apart and you couldn’t hold it in anymore. You set the fork down and buried your face in your hands, your shoulders lightly shaking as you began to cry. All Bucky could do was stare for a few seconds, alarm written all over his face. Alarm and distress because he had no idea what just happened and if he had done something to upset you.

“Woah woah, hey. Sweetheart, hey. What’s wrong?” In seconds, Bucky was out of his side of the booth and scooting in beside you. You felt the comfort of his warmth, you felt his arm tentatively, almost hesitantly, slide around your shoulders and anchor you to him. You shook your head, attempting to calm down, to stop the tears but the more you tried, the more they seemed to come.

“I-I’m sorry, Bucky.. I.. I’m sorry.. I-I’m fine. Really.” You said, sniffling. It was apparent to you both that you were not alright and he really just wanted to get to the bottom of it. Or at least attempt to comfort you. But doing that in the middle of a diner with other people around wasn’t ideal.

“Hey, my apartment is only a short walk away. Come on, let’s get you out of here and somewhere more quiet.” You didn’t protest. You just nodded and slid out of the booth after he did. Bucky took out his wallet and placed a few bills on the table, paying for the uneaten food, and then quickly led you out of the establishment. He kept his hand on you, almost like an anchor. Whether it was to reassure you or himself, he didn’t know and you didn’t mind either. It was probably the only thing that kept you from retreating inside of your mind and giving in to the panic that so desperately wanted out.

You didn’t even realize that you had reached his apartment until he had led you up the stairs and you were standing behind him as he unlocked the door. He allowed you to step in first and then quickly followed behind you, shutting the door as he did so. You didn’t really get the chance to take in his apartment because he had ushered you to sit on his couch while he knelt in front of you.

“Alright, you’re scarin’ me here, doll. What’s wrong? Did someone hurt you?” The sheer look of concern and slight panic in his face and those pretty eyes of his made the waterworks come back again. You shook your head, your face scrunched up in anguish. Hot bullet tears fell from your eyes and left a wet path in their wake down your cheeks. Bucky wasn’t one to pry; he hated it when people tried to pry into his life and he didn’t do it to you, but he couldn’t stand the sight of seeing you cry. He couldn’t stand the sight of your once bright eyes and cheery smile just.. gone. You eyes were sad and your lips were pulled into a frown. “Talk to me, baby.” He practically pleaded.

“I just.. I don’t.. I don’t know how to explain it, Buck.” You cried. “I-I.. I just feel like..” You let out a frustrated cry when you couldn’t find the right words but Bucky was patient. He reached a hand up, cupping your cheek and wiping away the tears that kept falling. “I don’t feel.. happy. Everyday I wake up and I just, I feel fine for like a few seconds and then everything just comes crashing down on me. I can’t ever stop thinking. I can’t sleep at night. I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling like this, Bucky. And I feel fucking crazy. Sometimes I feel like you don’t even really like me. I feel.. hopeless, like nothing is ever going to be okay. I might feel okay for a few seconds but then it just goes away.” You explained, though you were sure that you probably sounded like a raving and ranting lunatic. “Before I met you, I liked being alone but I also hated it because when I was alone, I would just overthink and overthink and overthink about every fucking thing. If it wasn’t one thing it was another just giving me such bad anxiety and.. I don’t know what to do anymore, Bucky. I’m just tired of feeling like this. Feeling like nothing is ever going to be okay, like I’m never going to be okay. I just feel.. alone.”

His heart was well and truly broken. In the two months that he’d known you, he hadn’t known how badly you had struggled with your mental health. He hadn’t known the war that you fought within your mind, and how bad it had become. You were such saving grace for Bucky; you saved him from the wars inside of his mind. The constant feeling of guilt that he fought with on a daily basis, and now.. he just wanted to do the same for you. He wanted to shoulder some of the pain that you carried, the pain that seemed to be weighing you down. Both of his hands now cupped your cheeks so delicately, as if you were the most precious thing in the world to him. His blue eyes were shining, looking at you with not pity, but something like.. understanding. If anyone knew what you were feeling, it was Bucky.

“You’re not alone.” His smooth and rich voice was so soft, so gentle that it brought on a new set of tears. “You’re not alone, sweetheart. Not anymore. You know why? Cause you got me.” He said. “I know what it’s like to feel hopeless. To feel stuck in your head. To feel like nothing is ever gonna get better. I felt like that in Wakanda. Sometimes.. sometimes, we need help. And I know I’m not one to be talking considering that I don’t really like talking to my therapist or even going,” That roused the smallest of smiles from you. “I’m here. You know that, right? I’m here. You got me and I’m not going anywhere. I promise. I don’t care if you have a million bad days. I don’t care if you feel like you’re bothering me. I’ll be there every time.” You two have gradually gravitated close to one another until your foreheads were pressed together. Bucky was still knelt in front of you on the couch, his hands still holding your cheeks. Your eyes were closed and you could feel his warm breath fanning your face. The tears had stopped falling but you were still sniffling softly. “You’ve helped me. Even if you don’t know it. You’ve helped me.” He was whispering. There was no one but you two in his apartment but he was still whispering the words meant for only you to hear. “Now, let me help you. Please.”

“Okay. I trust you, Bucky.”

#bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes #bucky fic #james buchanan barnes #sebastian stan #tfatws #mcu #bucky barnes angst #bucky barnes fluff

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hyunjilicious · 3 years

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what is and what should never be [bucky barnes]

A/n: ok, so. Im really fucking insecure about this. I literally poured my heart into this fic. I'm genuinely unhappy with the beginning, but I promise you, it gets better!! I don't have it in me to rewrite it for the 4th time. I really hope you'll still like it though. If you ask me, this is the best fic idea I even had. Please, please, if you enjoyed it, let me know!!!

Summary: It was you and Bucky. An unlikely couple that shared equally disturbed pasts. When you get a day off, your paradise turns into hell as Bucky's nightmares return, leaving you alone to deal with The Winter Soldier. (FLUFF, SMUT, ANGST) 12k

Warnings: 2 smut scenes - they're graphic but not extreme, fluff, angst, violence, mentions of death and suicide, blood, a fight scene - also quite graphic but it was written to serve the angst. I don't want to spoil the ending, but if you really connect with the characters, you will not hate me!!

This day had been long awaited. After months of back to back missions and endless efforts to climb up the greasy pole of US social standards, words failed to describe how ecstatic you were to know, that for the next 24 hours, your whole schedule would fully be in your hands.

You had the freedom to do just about anything you wanted, and the simple fact that the rest of the avengers left to deal with some paperwork excited you to no end. You woke up when it was time for them to take off, and made a snarky remark about heading to the gym - something along the lines of having a productive day centered on self development.

Just about 20 minutes later, you and Bucky, now also alone in the Stark Tower, decided to start off your day on the right foot. He offered to make protein smoothies as you changed into something comfortable and fitting for a workout, but neither of you got their job done.

You had no idea how that happened, but before you knew it you were wearing your sports bra and still had your pajama pants on, moaning on the counter of Tony's kitchen as Bucky had lodged himself between your legs, hungrily exploring the heated skin of your neck, peppering you with bruise marks that represented his adoration for you. "You heal fast anyway" he shrugged, pulling you closer and digging his teeth into your flesh, sucking profusely and eliciting an erotic moan from your lips.

With every new hickey he left, another one would disappear, which in turn would make him even more frustrated, “The hell should I do? Tattoo hickeys on you!?” he groaned, moving up your neck. You caught his cheeks into your palms and kissed him back, smiling as he kept getting more and more aggravated.

It didn't come as a surprise when the blender went berserk, splattering fruit pulp, almond milk and protein powder all over the pristine walls of the room - both of you have long forgotten about it.

The way Bucky cleaned the mess was the epitome of not giving a shit, and you couldn't find it more endearing. He bitched and whined his way through the whole process, and tears formed at the corners of your eyes at the ridiculousness of the half assed job he just did.

You eventually reached the gym - of course, against all your pouting and begging to put off this session. "Doll, you're the only avenger who can't fight. A punk on the street could snap your purse and there would be nothing you can do"

Wrong, he was not. You couldn't fight - but at the same time that didn't mean you were defenceless. It was your immense power that for months on end made your teammates consider you a liability. The energy that surged through your veins had been too great for you to handle, and in fact, it still was, but now, thanks to the joined efforts of Tony and Bruce, there was a way for that power to be contained. Their solution came in the form of two massive shackles wrapped around the length of your forearms. They were made of dimeritium and kept all kinds of energy from leaving your body. But, even so, that energy was in full form, buzzing inside every fiber of your being. And so, while wearing them you couldn't attack anyone, but there wasn't a way for them to harm you either. That field of energy protected you from every kind of damage and wounds you had ever encountered, ranging from fist fights to automatic rifles to guided grenades.

"I'm the only one that doesn't need to know" you huffed and puffed, annoyed but still determined to get this first training session done with.

But that never happened. Halfway through your warm up rounds, your teasing side awoke and it took you about ten minutes to go from batting your eyelashes and flaunting your ass, to nonchalantly cupping his cock into your hand.

No one could blame Bucky for not even trying to stop you. Bless him, he did everything he could, but he was never able to resist you. And probably never will be.

By the time you were done at the gym, both your bodies were coated in lecherous layers of sweat, no of them being from actually working out. It was only a matter of time until you managed to break his self control and he had you sprawled on all fours in the middle of the boxing ring, moaning your soul out as he pounded your pussy.

The momentum made your whole frame rock back and forth, your hair falling around your face, "Holy fuck-"

The room vibrated with the vulgar slaps he afflicted on your bare ass. You arched your back and cried his name out loud, "Come on, Bucky- I- harder please-"

"How are you already so needy?" he chuckled, caging your waist between his strong arms and pulling you up until your back reached his chest. "I ate this pussy this morning before we got out of bed"

"You know I love your tongue-" you giggled out of breath as you tried to look at him over your shoulder. "But it doesn't compare to your cock"

"What does?" Bucky rhetorically questioned before picking up his pace. He kept slamming his hips into yours, fucking you at full force as with each thrust, his cock rammed against your walls hard enough to make you see stars.

"I'm really fucking close, Buck" you whined, feeling your knees start to refuse to maintain your weight any longer.

"Don't cum yet" he panted, "Wait for me"

"Fuck, fuck, fuck-" you cried out loud, liquid pleasure seeping out of you in the form of fresh tears streaming down your cheeks. "Please-" you whined, "I can't hold it anymore, I'm-"

"Not yet, baby" Bucky groaned, easily stopping you from wiggling around in his hold. His thrusts became sloppy and the orgasm got the best of him. He buried his face deep in your shoulder as his high forced guttural moans to rip from his throat.

As he filled you up with his cum, as much as you wanted to comment about him making you wait and then not even bothering to tell you you could cum, you couldn't. Your eyes rolled back in pleasure and your chest heaved as the spiral of bliss seemed to go on and on, tons of ecstasy propagating in long painful waves across your body.

"Fuck-" Bucky panted as helped you up, "I could get used to days like this. We should retire"

"I'm not retiring-" you teasingly shook your head, "not until you find a way to give me a baby"

"I'd give you all the babies" he retorted, tugging your hand.

It caused you to lose your balance and stumble into his chest, "I love you"

"Love you" Bucky kissed the top of your head and spun you around. With his palms on your hips, he started guiding you towards the door, "Let's get you cleaned up"

And then, another wave of unproductivity followed. You showered, ordered pizza, whined about how there was still some smoothie left on the floor, and after you warned him about it, your face fell as Bucky stepped directly in the middle of the puddle of almond milk. He was fuming, the incident wiped any traces of happiness off his face. He mumbled something about that being the last pair of comfy socks he had left and something about Tony's devices being a constant pain in the ass.

He went on and on until you ambushed him with kisses up his neck and shoved your hands under his shirt. In an instant his bickering turned into soft giggles as he innocently relaxed under your touch. You eventually cleaned up the mess and tried to make yourself busy. Nothing worked, you weren't in the mood for anything and at the same time, even though you did absolutely nothing all day, you felt a wave of tiredness envelop you.

At about 4pm, and you Bucky had already been lazily laying in bed, a mess of tangled limbs under the fluffy duvet. Your conversation started from the tactical gear he swore would look better on you than on him and then wondered how you didn't know how to sow.

"I'll hit you" you threatened.

"I'm sorry" he laughed, holding onto your forearm as it was resting on his chest, "But you know how much I love it when you get angry at my misogynistic jokes"

"It's rude" you scoffed - you didn't mean his jokes, but the fact that when he grew up, women were not anywhere near where they are today.

"You know I don't mean it"

"I know you don't" you laughed, "Otherwise I'd have actually hit you"

"Don’t worry" Bucky said, "I'd hit myself if I was that stupid"

"Cute" you smiled, kissing his shoulder. Looking up at him, you promoted your chin against his chest, "Do you miss it? The 40s i mean"

He thought about it for a second. "Nah" there was a bit of nostalgia in his tone, but you believed him. "I've kinda made my peace with the fact that everyone from my old life is gone. I wouldn't want to go back now. I got you. I got all of you guys. I'm good now, really good"

"I'm glad" you beamed, feeling yourself warm up from the inside just thinking of the progress he made. After a few seconds, you spoke up again, "But what about the society? Like the day to day life? How do you like the 2010s?"

"I can't lie" Bucky laughed, "I liked Romania better. Much simpler."

"You lived in a dead beat apartment, hiding everyday" you scoffed, "How was that better?"

"I don't know… maybe it was the simple life. Apparently I'm all about that"

"You'd move back there?"

"If you came with me?" he questioned, looking down at you. There was genuine sincerity in his eyes and a hint of a smile at the corner of his lips. "Wouldn’t even think twice"

"Maybe one day" you sighed with content. You snuggled back against his side, and closed your eyes. "We're not done avenging yet" you mumbled.

He didn't say anything to that. You didn't know whether he was getting lost in thoughts or if he was starting to drift off, but you would have been fine with either. When he spoke up again, you didn't expect the conversation to take this route.

"About Romania…" he sighed, "What made you come with Steve back in 2016?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean-" he muttered, rubbing his light stubble, "I know why Steve came-" Bucky chuckled, "And Sam's all up his ass, so there's that. But what about you?"

"I-"

"I'm aware of the rift I caused between you guys back then. So that's why I'm asking. What made you stand by Steve from the beginning?"

"I knew how much you meant to him. And I know how this is going to sound, but I felt sorry for you, Buck. I know what it's like to be alone, to have everyone turn against you. You deserved better"

"Love-?" he called softly, his voice nearly breaking. "What do you mean you know what it's like to have everyone turn against you?"

As you maintained the eye contact, you felt tears prickle, "I know it wasn't fair of me to keep my past a secret, but-"

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to-" he said softly, his eyes warm. The pain was readable on his features, he hated how your whole demeanour changed.

"It's not that I don't want you to know, it's just that I hate talking about it. Gives me nightmares."

"Then we can just drop it" Bucky murmured, gathering you closer.

"I wish you could know without me telling you" you laughed, "You make everything better and easier. I should've told you, I know. It isn't fair to you. We've been together for almost two years but as far as you're concerned I didn't exist until I joined the avengers. I don't even know how much they know. We never talked about it"

"Love, listen to me. I'm here whenever you want to talk about it. You didn't do anything wrong. There are a lot of things about me that you don't know either. We're not those people anymore. No one can blame us for trying to escape out past"

"Yeah, you're right" you sighed.

Gathering your power, you pushed yourself up and settled beside him, with your legs crossed. You grabbed his hand pulling it into your lap, and intertwined your fingers with his as you spoke.

"Forget the official story, there's no truth to it anyway"

"I really didn't believe your mum was a criminal and that you were in a mental asylum" he joked.

"Good-" you smiled, his words lifting the atmosphere a bit. "Truth is, I don't know anything about my parents. But I have my assumptions. I grew up in that soviet facility so I never met them. I was told it was owned by a group of socialite scientists who wanted our help"

"Our? Who's we?"

"There were 7 of us"

"Did they have the same power as you?"

"Approximately. When we were younger, we used to comply and do everything we were told but as we grew up, things started to change. We weren't happy. Who could be? Considering we were being held in cells and studied like lab rats. We started to act differently and some might even say we tried to rebel, but that didn't work obviously, and that's when the restrictions began. For the last 3 years I spent there, there hadn't been a day where the temperature passed 0°C."

Your skin crawled as you recaled the endless nights you spent shivering your way to sleep. Everything around you was ice cold. But it wasn't for the sole purpose of torturing you. It was your only weakness. As the temperature dropped, so did the movement of the atoms that made up your body - eliminating your powers to the point where you were barely alive.

"One day, as spring came, we wanted to break out. We made a plan, and figured that as soon as we were out, we'd be fine. We were wrong. We were off about the weather and they got us before we even exited the perimeter. That's when the avengers heard about us."

By now, Bucky's eyes were wide with genuine curiosity, his mouth agape as he took in the information you provided. With every word you spoke his grip tightened around your fingers and his eyebrows gathered even further. There was discomfort and anger in his features, but he didn't interrupt you once.

"After that, the restrictions got tougher. We realised there was no way out. A lot of things came together in that small time frame. I realised what that place actually was days after we tried to escape. My friends - or that's what I thought they were, figured out another plan. Why fight when you can just eliminate the premise?"

Bucky moved his lips but no words came out. He cleaned his throat and sat up a bit, "What- what do you mean?"

"They tried to kill me" you said, plastering a sympathetic smile on your lips, hoping it would make it easier for him to hear.

"What the fuck. Why?"

"I think my dad used to be part of that team. And I think he made me the way I am. Now I don't know why he wasn't around anymore, but that team wasn't trying to get us to do anything. They were trying to make more of me. So if I was dead-"

"There would be no reason to keep the other kids…" Bucky finished the sentence for you.

You nodded.

"And what happened?"

You bowed your head trying to find a way to put your words together. Bucky didn't rush you, just reassuringly rubbed his thumb across your knuckles, waiting. When a tear from your cheek slipped and landed on the back of his hand, you looked up and took a deep breath. "I killed them. All of them."

He didn't say anything. Didn’t move a muscle, as he waited for you to continue.

"I didn't even want to do that, Buck" you sobbed, breaking down. "I killed over 20 people because I was afraid. I didn't even move. I was in the corner of my room the whole time, but everyone who approached me was fried to death. I don't even know how I did that. I was just scared"

"Oh, baby" Bucky cooed, pushing himself up to wrap his arms around you. You fell against his chest, crumbling in his embrace. "I hope you know that was not your fault, ok?" he asked, rubbing your back. "You were just a kid, alone and afraid. It breaks my fucking heart, those bastards. Please don't feel sorry for them"

"I feel sorry for the other kids"

"They tried to kill you, Y/n" Bucky countered, "If you hadn't killed them, I would've gone after them. All of them"

"They were desperate..."

"So were you!"

"I can't help but feel like a monster sometimes, you know? Like I'm reckless and out of control. There are times when I'm all happy and excited about what tomorrow would bring, and then i remember what I did, and I have a hard time fighting away the thoughts that try to tell me I don't deserve that"

"What you deserve is the fucking world ok?" Bucky said, tilting your chin so you could see just how serious he was. "This past couple of years, you saved hundreds of lives and I know for a fact you did it out of the pure kindness of your heart, not because you wanted to make up for anything in the past. You're a fucking angel. You're the embodiment of good, you hear me? I know you. You'll never understand how much respect I have for you, and how in awe I am with the kind of person you are. Please, don't ever think less of yourself. Ever, ok?"

Tears rolled down your cheeks as his words proved to be much more than you were able to hear at that moment. "Thanks, Buck. That's sweet of you to say-"

"It's not sweet of me to say, it's the fucking truth" he scoffed, but he somehow managed to make it sound loving. "You didn't even fucking try, but just being around you made me feel like a person again. You're amazing, Y/n. We're all lucky to have you. I'm lucky to have you."

"You're gonna make me cry" you sniffled, curling yourself into a ball against his chest, "I know you were in a dark place when we met. I'm glad I managed to help you through it"

"You pulled me through it" he sighed, tightening his hold around you. "I went from wanting to die, to thinking that I didn't even deserve the easy way out. Look at me now."

"Buck, stop"

"I love you so fucking much" Bucky laughed.

His whole frame shook as he pulled you back down, safely holding you between his arms, "You're amazing" he added, kissing the top of your head, "Perfect"

"I said, stop" you chuckled, slapping his side, "I get it, you like me, can we-"

"I adore you" Bucky cut you off after grabbing the sides of your face between his palms. "And thanks for trusting me. I know it wasn't easy for you to talk about your past, so thank you. I'm always here for you. If there's anything ever, I got you, ok? Forever"

"I got you too" you added, kissing his cheek and then moving along his jawline, "No matter what happens, you'll always have me on your side. I'm all yours, Bucky"

"Yeah, you are, doll. All mine"

After that talk, how you managed to fall into a deep sleep will always remain a mystery. Nightmares didn't make their way into your mind, and you settled for a dreamless slumber, actually fully content for the first time in a long while.

But not everybody processed grief the same way. And if Bucky mentioned earlier that he was lucky to have you, as you were pulled out of your sleep, you realised that he wasn't as lucky as you were when it came to the mysteries that creep up on you when you least expect them.

"Wake up sunshine"

The sound reached your ears, but it wasn't Bucky's voice, so you just groaned in response and rolled over to the other side, completely pressing your face into the pillow.

"Buttercup, it's time to wake up"

The voice seemed uneasy, as if the person speaking was actually terrified. You opened your eyes wearily, and were met with the usual, complete darkness of your room.

"Come on, Y/n" they spoke again. You turned to see one of Tony's maintenance robots hovering above your body, one small screen lit up on its front. Blinking a few times to rid yourself of the sleep still lingering in your eyes, you managed to make out the faces of Tony and Steve, both staring at you.

"What's going on?" you mumbled.

"You've got incoming," Tony announced, and then shook his head at whatever someone next to him had said. The microphone wasn't performant enough for you to hear what the other person said, but it was not like you cared.

"Incoming what?" you questioned, still confused out of your mind.

He turned his attention back to you, "The asshole"

You frowned and Steve scoffed, "Y/n, it's Bucky. He's not well"

"Wh-" you mumbled, your head snapping to the side, only then realising his side of the bed was empty. You shuffled your arm around the sheets, still warm. "What- what happened?"

"He's gone rogue, Y/n" Steve announced, genuine worry and guilt audible in his voice, "You need to make sure he doesn't leave. You need to stop him"

Tony's workstation. You needed to get the shackles off your arms if you wanted to stand a chance, "Tony? How do I take these off?" you asked, pointing to your cuffs.

"Already taken care off" he nodded, "Get to my desk, it's unlocked. All you need to do is actually get there. If you can"

"If I can-?" you began asking, but a loud explosion sound cut you off, causing the bed to shake as a wind blew through your room. "What the fuck!?"

"He may have found the grenade launchers" Tony smiled bitterly.

"Y/n," Steve called for you, "Please, be careful. And call us. Me and Nat will take the jet but I don't know-"

"Don't worry" you shook your head, jumping off the bed and rushing to your closet. You chose the first clothes you saw laying before your eyes and put them on, ready to go look for Bucky. "I got this, I promise"

"Oh, and Y/n?" Tony said, making you turn to him at the last minute, "Try not to fry my tower"

You nodded and refrained from making any promises you didn't know you could keep.

As soon as you walked out the door, the sound of automatic rifles going off became deafening. Stepping over piles of broken glass, you made your way to the emergency staircase, heading to Tony's lab. You did so with maximal caution, knowing that if you were spotted, there would be no going back.

Descending the last remaining flight of stairs until his work station, a rush of adrenaline surged through you, knowing just how close you were. Silently rounding the corner, your eyes landed on Bucky's frame, easily holding one of the remaining SHIELD agents up by the neck.

He turned to look at you, eyes cold and empty. Not even rage. There was nothing there. No expression, no empathy, no feeling. It was as if he was dead. This wasn't him.

"Buck-" you panted, raising your hands up in the air, signaling surrender. You eyed Tony's desk, determined to stall him until you managed to free yourself of the cuffs.

You took a cautious step to the side, hands still up in the air. Bucky watched you as the man struggled against his hold, legs spasming uncontrollably as he kicked and squirmed, even though it was so clearly in vain.

"Don’t mind me-" you smiled, sweat flooding your pores as you slowly approached your destination. "I'll just-"

"You'll just what-?" Bucky groaned, flinging his victim with impeccable ease. The agent's body flew across the room, crushing into the only device that had the power to help you get through this. As the work station crumpled under his weight, so did your hopes of getting out of this.

"Bucky, hey-" you mumbled, afraid of pissing him off, "I-"

"Who the hell is Bucky?" he frowned, starting to march towards you. Your blood ran cold, knowing you didn't have what it took to keep up with him. You were never able to dodge anyone's blows, let alone his. When he reached you, his hand instantly reached around your neck, lifting you off the floor, "SHIELD?" he asked after taking a look at your attire. Although not carrying the emblem, it was probably the only explanation that made sense to him.

"Well, um-" you huffed, holding onto his wrist in hopes of not running out air, "No, not SHIELD"

"Then who are you?" he growled, tightening his hold on your windpipe.

"Fuck-" you gasped, kicking your legs, even through he didn't even flinch when you hit him. "You're not gonna believe this but, um-"

"Try me"

You looked into his eyes, hoping it would serve as some kind of a memento, that maybe he'd remember you. "You know me, Buck. It's Y/n, I'm- your girlfriend?"

Even saying it made you feel weird. This killing machine, apparently hell bent on wrecking havoc, was not the man you loved, and you cringed just imagining his reaction to hearing your words.

And it did turn out to be worse than expected, as he spun around, doing a complete 180° with your body before slamming you down on the floor. The wood cracked under your bones, knocking the wind out of you. The pain of the impact was excruciating, propagating along your body in waves of some physical agony you had never felt before. The sound of your bones cracking made you sick to your stomach. Your ears caught the sound of your arteries being torn as your organs collapsed.

And if you felt every inch of your body being shattered and destroyed, it was God's way of making you pay for your parent's mistakes, as when your wounds healed mere seconds later, the pain did not go away. Your nerve receptors still registered damage to the tissues, and no matter whether you were actually as good as new, your brain couldn't process that.

What consumed you the most was the fact that as you struggled to stand up, the pain of broken limbs lingered on. But you fought through it, gathered yourself and stood up, facing him again.

You winced with every muscle contraction, but eventually your eyes met his. He showed curiosity, along with something else. Something else which you wished wasn't determination to finish you.

"Can we-" you whimpered, extending a hand, "Can we talk?"

"Talk!?" Bucky raged, grabbing your wrist and twisting your arm to the point where he spun you around, your back pressing against his chest. "Not here to talk" he growled into your ear.

The hairs on your body stood as you heard his voice. Even though it was technically the same voice you loved more than anything in the world, it made you now shiver with a fear you've never experienced before.

You didn't get a chance to sink too deep in your thoughts before Bucky raised your arm, dislocating your shoulder and busting your humerus into pieces. The pain cut your legs at the knees and you screamed in agony, falling to the floor at his feet.

"Stand up" he commanded, slamming his foot into your side. The momentum made your body roll away, until you settled back on the ground, face deep in the rubble. Your muscles pulled you to your feet with ease, but the pain coursing through you was immense, nowhere near close to what you thought bearable. You felt the skin being ripped from your body and when you looked down, your clothes were torn, soaked in blood, but your skin was intact. It was what you needed to keep going - to get inside your head the fact that you were fine, because at this point, the pain was one bruise away from making you faint.

"Bucky, please-" you cried.

"Stop calling me Bucky!" he yelled, starting to approach you again.

With every step he took, you slowly backed away. "Please, listen to me, just a second, please!"

He shook his head no, a demented smile on his lips as he closed in on you.

"Bucky-"

As a reply to your question, his fist flew up, slamming into your jaw, hard enough to throw you to the ground, "Why do you keep calling me-"

"What else do you want me to call you, huh?" you yelled at him, vision blurred under too many layers of tears. "Tell me, and I'll do it if it'll get you to listen to me."

"I don't want you to call me anything-" he cocked his head to the side, unstrapping a handgun from his thigh. He loaded it as you barely managed to crawl away, "You can take the pain. I respect that. Let's see how well you do with these lead bullets"

You saw them in slow motion, barely managing to duck your head behind the remains of what once was a heavy wooden bookshelf. The bullets missed your chest and face, but you saw them, felt them penetrate your skin, ripping through your muscles.

The sound of your tissues being pulled to shreds made you feel sick to your stomach. As the bullets left your body, your wounds closed back up, leaving you a crying mess on the floor. Your throat constricted due to the wave of shock that hit your body, and your lungs started hyperventilating. Lightheaded and gasping for air, you struggled to crawl away from him, tears marching down your face and ending up on the floor, nothing but diluting the droplets of blood that had fallen from your body mere minutes before. Your heart was in overdrive and your vision blurred as every fiber of your being threatened to let you down. "Please-" you screamed, your voice breaking as you raised your hand for him, "Let's talk, please. That's all I want. Give me a minute"

But he didn't. He didn't even consider it. Instead, the force that controlled the body of the only man that ever managed to make you feel safe, tortured, destroyed and consumed your body for what felt like the better part of an eternity.

You had been thrown through walls, shattered windows, had glass shards lodged into your body from all angles. He unloaded cannon after cannon on you, used up all the ammo he had on him, only growing more and more annoyed when you refused to give up.

There was no way to know how much time had passed. Now you were standing by the window, inches away from the spot where two nights ago, you and Bucky clicked your glasses, smiling at how far you both had come. He laughed, saying he wouldn't have made it without you. And then he kissed you, confessing that the thought that maybe you couldn't have made it without him either, was what kept him going.

And then there you were. 48 hours later, again, just the two of you. But now there weren't any champagne glasses between you, just his metal arm, wrapped around your neck, this time, as he said, for the last time.

"I don't get it-" he scowled, teeth gritted and frustration in his voice, "Why don't you fight me?"

"I can't fight you" you whimpered as your tears poured down against his cold hand, "And even if I could, I wouldn't."

"WHY?" Bucky screamed, and for a second, you thought you saw a crack there, a glister of emotion hidden deep in his otherwise beautiful eyes.

"Because I love you" you cried.

But there was none. He rolled his eyes and pushed you back, your body slamming into the window. You should've thought faster, been more witty and considerate, but terror washed over you and in the heat of the moment, you grabbed onto him for dear life, pulling him down with you, plummeting to the ground from what looked like the 70th floor of the Stark Tower.

If until now you had been afraid of what you'd have to endure, it was now that you met true terror. You'd survive the fall, but he wouldn't.

Even in the air, approaching the ground at a dangerous speed, he kept fighting you. Even in this state, you admired his determination - he had a job and wanted to get it done - even if that job was killing you. A man of his word.

By now, the pain was unnoticeable. If you wanted to keep him alive you had to act fast. Clinging to his body despite his vicious protests and ruthless blows, you used your momentum to turn the two of you around. And you did so at the last second, as before you knew it, your bodies crashed into the boulevard below, sinking down into the asphalt as it crumpled under your weight.

The impact cut your breath away and there was a gnawing feeling all over your body, as if you had blades under your skin, pulling your body apart fiber by fiber. But you snapped out of it.

"Bucky!" you yelled, slapping his cheek.

He had fallen completely on top of you, his head pressed against your chest. He didn't move and the continuous buzz in your ears made it physically impossible for you to tell whether he was breathing for not.

"Bucky, please-" you cried, trying to move him so you could see his face.

Nothing.

"No, no, no!!" you screamed, "You can't die, baby, please! Not like this, love. Please come back to me, Buck, I'm begging you!!"

You remained there and wailed, with him glued to your chest. Your arms had wrapped around his motionless frame, keeping him as close as you could. Nothing could have gotten you to stop. Tens of people gathered around the crater your fall created around your bodies, police showed up, cameras were pointed at your faces, but you didn't care. If he died, so would you.

"You're all I have, baby-" you muttered, voice hoarse and dry from all the wailing and crying, "Please, you can't leave me. This can't be the end of us. Please, I don't know what to do, Bucky, please!"

You were soaked. In blood, and you didn't even know whether it was his or yours. God, how you hoped it all belonged to you, how the pool of blood you laid in was all yours. Tears soaked your face, pouring down your temples as your whole frame shook with your sobs, that was the true agony. You'd rather spend the rest of your days fighting for your life if it meant he got to see the sun again. You wished he'd hate you, rather than not feel anything at all ever again.

"Please-" you said again but this time your voice didn't even reach your own ears, you didn't hold that power anymore, "Please, you need to come back! You deserve so much better than this. You're the best man I have even known, you can't die like this, not today, Bucky. Not today!"

By now, the people around you had scattered. They knew your identities and for all the wrong reasons, feared you both. You were grateful for that now, you were alone with him again, as the sun began to set and a chilly New York night began to settle.

Still, you didn't move. You still had faith. Or you were just stubborn. There was no way you'd pull away until someone either pried him off of you against your will, or someone that you trusted showed up promising they'd help.

None of them came, and you remained there, cradling his frame to your chest begging whatever God was listening, to bring him back. You didn't know if one of them heard you, or if it was just blind luck or fate, but you only realised his metal arm was lodged under your body when he moved it.

"Buck!" you cried, cupping his cheeks in your bloodied palms as literal life cursed through your veins. "Oh god, you're ok, you're alive!! You came back to me!"

You managed to hug him close one more time, before he pushed himself off of you. In the process of standing up, his eyes met yours for the briefest second. Again, nothing.

He gathered himself to his feet, wordlessly bending down to grab your hair. He forced you up and you instantly obliged, following him back into the building.

Once inside, he knocked you through a glass door, your body once again absorbing his fury. The pain had dissipated into a dull ache, and this time, you stood up faster. "I can do this all day" you sighed, the lie slipping past your lips with such ease, as if the energy inside your core wasn't running dangerously low.

"What did you just say?" he questioned.

He seemed taken aback, "I said that I can do this all day"

"Who are you?" Bucky yelled, marching towards you, determined to get answers out of you through nothing else but brute force. He slammed you back onto the floor, only to straddle your thighs and pick you up by the collar of your shit. "Why won't you just fucking die!?"

Circling your fingers around his wrists, you searched for his eyes, "Wanna know what keeps me alive?"

"Are you stupid enough to tell me?"

"I might be" you shook your head, "but I'll still tell you"

"Why?"

"Because I know you won't kill me" you cried, "I know you know me. I know you're in there somewhere. The man I love. I know you don't have it in you to kill me"

"Try me" he laughed, drunk with the power you were so willing to give him.

"These-" you panted, raising your arms in the air to show him your cuffs, "These are what's been keeping me alive but I know you won't-"

But you never finished the sentence. He didn't even think twice before ripping them off your arms and throwing them onto the floor, along with all the other mess you two had made.

You never thought he'd actually spare you. So it wasn't a surprise when the first thing he did after freeing you, was reach for his knife with the sole purpose of driving it through your chest.

But you were faster. You framed his face into your palms, releasing the energy from your body and allowing it to flow through his. It felt weird, wrong and chaotic, and the power surge wiggled itself out of your control, until a blast between your bodies sent you both flying back across the room, falling down onto the floor.

And this time none of you stood up.

"I leave them alone for what, a day?" Tony sighed, walking out of his Iron Man suit.

"Holy shit!" Steve cried out, his knees betraying him as he tried to rush to you.

"No, wait!" Nat stopped him, "You can't wake them up until we get them somewhere safe. We need to make new cuffs for Y/n, and find a way to keep Bucky contained in case, you know… he's still not Bucky"

Steve was fuming with anger, nostrils flaring, "These are my friends you're talking about!" he exclaimed, pointing to your bodies on the floor, "Your friends too, Nat. You see them like this and the first thing you think about is restraining them!?"

"We need to make sure we're all safe" she sighed with sympathy, grabbing his hand for a comforting rub.

"You make sure you're safe-" Steve scoffed, "I'll make sure they're alive"

"Hey-" Nat stopped him, "If you touch her and startle her in any way, you die!"

Her words hurt him but he knew you never would. Steve felt his heart shutter just imaging what you must have gone through. He was ablaze with pure determination to prove Nat wrong, and to do right by you and Buck. "I carried her in my arms while she was passed out when we rescued her from that facility-" he fummed, pointing at you, "She never knew a man that didn't try to hurt her before. And when she woke up, she was afraid. Scared for her life. She cried in my arms and begged me to not let them take her again! She was never anywhere close to hurting me! She's good. So good. There's only good inside of her, I trust her to not hurt me more than I trust myself, ok? If I'm wrong, so be it. I die. I don't care. She deserves someone to look after her. If I had to chose, saving her would be the way I'd want to go"

His rant left Nat speechless. She just gave him a simple nod and stepped back.

Carefully, he picked you up and carried you upstairs, as Tony put his suit back on and carried Bucky.

Never in your life had you woken up this fast. Your eyes snapped open and you sprung to your feet. 3 pairs of anxious eyes watched you, all of them ready to jump into action in case the situation called for an intervention.

"What-" you gawked, scanning the room, "Where is Bucky? Is he- is-"

"He's fine, Y/n" Steve assured you. He stood up and slowly approached you, arms outstretched. Your first instinct was to go for it, but when you reached him, you placed both your hands in his, and looked up at him with teary eyes.

"Are you sure?" you whimpered, "Can I see him?"

Sympathy took over his features, but Tony jumped in, "Absolutely not"

"What-" you turned to him, "Why? Did I-?"

"You didn't do anything wrong" Steve hummed, engulfing you in a hug even though you remained stiff in your spot. He rubbed your back, eager to soothe your worried mind, but you were too out of it.

“Can I just go?” you whispered, pulling back just enough so that he could see how serious you were, “I need to see him, please”

“Are you mad at him?” Nat asked with caution and your face fell.

“No!” you gasped, stepping away from Steve’s embrace, “No, not even one bit. I know that was not him, I know it’s not his fault. But when Bucky wakes up-”

“If he wakes up-” Tony sneered, roaming around the room. He nursed a glass of whiskey, as a mixture of disgust and exhaustion was readable on his features.

“When he wakes up!” you spoke through gritted teeth. Determination coated your words and the hairs on your body stood as you refused to even think of the alternative. “He will wake up. And I have to be there”

“What if the Winter Soldier wakes up?” Nat asked.

“That didn’t stop me last time”

“Oh, no!” Tony butted in, stepping in between you and Nat, arms outstretched, “You know I’m not one to cry after money, but you and your pal left me with $37 million worth of damage. You two are one broken cup away from getting thrown into the streets”

The sum he mentioned made the skin on your back crawl. You didn’t even have $37 dollars to your name, but it made sense. Your body alone crashed through three TV’s, one gamma ray projector and if you thought about it, you remembered Bucky pulling apart one of the Iron Legion robots, and only the thought made you flinch.

“So-” Tony said, “You two? Never in the same room again!”

“Take these off then” you suggested, pointing at the cuff on your wrists.

“Ha” Tony exclaimed, “A big chunk of that money comes from you frying all my electronics up until the 12th floor. Absolutely not”

“Tony, I’m serious” you whined, “He will hate himself. I need to be there! I need to make sure he doesn’t take all the blame on his shoulders”

He frowned, and sighed. He wasn’t an unreasonable man, and you hoped that core deep inside his chest really made up for a heart. And… it did. None of them were happy about it, but they finally accepted. Nat and Tony would have never probably given up if it wasn’t for Steve - right now, like so many times before, he really did seem like your guardian angel.

They ended up monitoring the room, and Tony waited for your signal, one hand on his cigarette, the other on the Iron Man suit. He was all talk - if anything was to go down and you would actually be in danger again, he wouldn’t even think twice before tearing his towers into pieces if it meant he could get you out alive.

And so you left, thanked them in the form of a simple nod, and headed down the dark hallways.

Oh, how you hated this.

What consumed you now had nothing to do with the pain you had endured in the past 24 hours. Its source was not physical, yet your whole body ached. You felt the weight of the world on your shoulders - and in some way, it was - Bucky was your whole world, and the fear of losing him breathed down your neck.

It had been about 20 minutes since you stopped in front of the door that led to the room he'd been confined in. When FRIDAY announced that Bucky woke up, you rushed over, only for a hazardous sense of anguish to stop you dead in your tracks. Judging by the way he sat in the corner of the room, his fingers aimlessly tracing every indentation in the handcuffs Tony had restrained him with, you had no problem telling which one of him woke up. He broke your heart. His room was equipped with 5 different cameras and 2 microphones. Completely unaware of them, he sat inches away from one, and your heart shattered, sinking 3 stories below when you heard him whimper.

It was soft and quiet. His whole frame shook as he wiped his nose with the back of his sleeve. He was hunched down, brown hair covering his perfect face, but still, his sadness brought you to tears.

You heard him again. He sniffled as he laid back against the wall. His eyes were bloodshot, lips almost white and dry as his chest raced up and down. His muscles clenched and his feet bounced against the metal floor, it was a sight you never wished you see ever again.

Softly, you raised a hand, and thought twice before finally knocking.

"Go away," Bucky called, voice all hoarse and dry as it broke halfway through.

You were able to see him on the small screen next to the door, but he had no idea who came to visit.

Out of instinct, you knocked again before typing in the password and ever so slowly walking inside.

Instantly, he looked up. He was surrounded by an air of darkness and despair, ever so obviously tormented to the peak of his capability.

He stared at you for a few seconds as his eyes watered, and then he gathered his lips into a straight line, shaking his head. "Please, go"

"Bucky, I-"

"Please" he cried, head falling forward as he toyed with the metal edges of his prosthetic arm. He shook his head, "Please, don't do this. Just, go"

You took a deep breath, only then entering the room far enough to actually be able to close the door behind you. Slowly turning back to him, your palms sweated as you had no idea what to say to him.

"Can you talk to me, Buck? Please?"

He chuckled, "About what?"

"About whatever it is you think you did wrong, I-"

As he heard your words, his hands instantly flew up to cover his face. He was, however, stopped, as the cuffs on his left wrist kept him from moving too much. While a new row of tears flooded his cheeks, his eyes met yours, "Look at me.. I need to be restrained while you're alone with me"

"Those cuffs would literally do nothing to stop you from escaping, and you know it"

"Maybe it's just a sense of reassurance"

"To who?" you scoffed.

"To them" Bucky responded, nodding his head towards one of the cameras. "I'm a monster" he added, wiggling his cuff restrained hand, "I'm a danger to everyone"

"Oh for fucks sake" you rolled your eyes, marching up to him. With absolutely no remorse, you grabbed his hand and harshly pulled apart the metal that had him restrained to the bed. Before he got a chance to say anything, you bent down, unclipped the microphone from the foot of the bed, threw it on the floor, and stepped on it, until it was nothing but a small pile of shattered plastic.

And you kept going, destroying the second microphone along with the 5 cameras on the walls as Bucky watched you with surprise. You finished by going for the door and locking it from the inside. "You think I'm afraid of you?" you asked softly, "For 6 hours you did your best to kill me and failed miserably. Look at me, I'm unscathed"

"Did you hear yourself?" he cringed, shaking his head, "I tried to kill you"

"Ok, I know I said that you did your best-" you said, mentally scolding yourself for the error in communication. "We both know that wasn't you. That wasn't you, Buck. It was Hydra. It was the winter soldier, not you. My Bucky would never-"

"Y/n-" he stopped you, "I know you don't see things the way I do-"

"But I see them the right way"

"Listen-" Bucky sighed, driving his hands through his hair. For the first time that night you actually saw his full face, his cheek and signature scowl, his blue eyes and the tilt of the corner of his mouth - your soul melted when you associated the picture with the words that came out of his mouth. "I can't blame you for being here. I can't. If the roles were reversed, I'd be doing the exact same thing. But, holy fuck-" he sighed, pausing to gather his thoughts. Bucky looked you up and down. His lips quivered and his head fell to the side as a sad smile appeared on his lips. "Remember this morning? How we talked about our hypothetical child?" he laughed and shook his head, "Even if I know we could never have a kid because we're both sterile, it was still the most beautiful thought that ever crossed my mind, Y/n''

"Mine too, Buck-"

"And what did I do?" he dismissed your empathy, "Two hours later I was unloading an AK-47 into your stomach, like the brainwashed maniac that I am!"

"Don’t say that!" you exclaimed, "Don't you dare think about things like this!"

"Why wouldn't I?" he threw his hands up in the air, "What does it matter whose fault it is? I get to live with the consequences."

"But-" you breathed out, "We can work through this. You did it before. You can't let something that hydra did dictate your life, Bucky. You deserve so much better. You deserve to be happy!"

"I tried to kill you!" he screamed, for the first time losing his calm and standing up to be at the same level as you.

"That was not you!"

"So what?" he huffed, "I was there, Y/n! I will never, NEVER get the feeling of crushing your bones out of my head! I felt your neck snap! I choked you with my arms! That is not something I can live with! I can't live a life by your side if every time I look at you I'm reminded of those horrible things I did to you!"

"Buck-" you cried, looking at him from behind too many layers of unshed tears, "Please, don't say that"

"I'm sorry" he responded in the same fashion, his pain coating every word he said. "When I close my eyes I see you laying in a puddle of blood. I can't stop hearing your screams of agony. Agony that no matter how you put it, was caused by my hands. That's not something we can live with, Y/n. You were not made for this. You really do fucking deserve someone that won't wake up one day and try to murder you in cold blood"

"And what do you deserve, Buck?" you quietly asked, searching for his eyes, "To live your life alone? Forever? If you had been with anyone else, this would have turned out so much worse. That cute barista three blocks down that always scribbles a heart on your coffee cup? She's cute, yeah. You deserve to be loved by someone, but if that someone was her, you wouldn't be drowning in guilt right now, Bucky, you'd be mourning her. Yes, you got troubles. Yes, you've got a past more fucked up than anyone else I have ever heard about. That's the kind of shit you can't change. But whatever you do from now on, is in your fucking hands and yours alone. Don't try to tell me you're not worthy of having someone, because that's the fattest load of crap I've ever heard. You're a good man! With a fucked up past! And a dark side that you need to fight! And you have me! I don't care you dropped Tony's piano on my legs, apparently I can take it! I'm here for you no matter what! You don't want to be with me anymore? Fine. But don't you dare push me away, thinking that a ruined future makes up for a ruined past"

"Who's to say I won't try it again?" he asked, "I don't know what triggered the transition. But what if once a week I end up trying to kill you-"

"Apparently you can't!" you laughed bitterly.

"Ok, so I can't" he nodded in approval, "Is that what you want? I should be your rock, your best friend, I should always be there for you. Do you want to have your whole world turned upside down whenever my brain decides to go berserk?"

"See, Buck" you sighed, "Of course I don't want that. I can't fucking stand here and tell you that I do. What kind of credibility would I have then? But you know what I want? You. You and whatever nazi shit that comes along. I want you. To help you. To have you with me. To see you everyday. If every Saturday at 10am you decide you want to kill me, you best believe I'm sacrificing my morning coffee just so we can kung fu around the living room"

He looked at you for a long second, the corners of his lips fighting a hard battle against the hint of a smile that started to show on his features. Eventually he caved and chuckled, shaking his head, "That was a bit funny"

"And fucking true," you cried, going for his hands and bringing them up to your chest. He winced, but you spoke up again, determined to not let his mind torture him.

"I love you, Bucky"

"How do you not hate me?" he choked, shaking his head in disbelief. "Can you seriously look at me and not get even the slightest instinct to run away?"

"Bucky..." you breathed out, cupping his cheek. "How could I run away when I've never seen you in more pain than right now?"

"You're an angel, you know that?"

"I've been called a lot of things" you giggled, "Angel isn't one of them, but if that's what you want, I'll take it"

"Come here" he whispered, wrapping his arms around your frame. He had you nuzzle against his chest, his hold keeping you tight and secure. His heart beat against your cheek and your eyes watered again. There wasn't one thing in the world you wouldn't do for that heart - to make sure it keeps beating, and that it keeps the man you love alive. And content, above all. All you wanted right now was for him to accept the things that happened. You wanted to take whatever weight he was carrying on his shoulders, and put it upon yourself. "I love you so much, Bucky" you cried against his chest as your hold tightened around him, "I hate to see you torn like this. I don't want anything to ever happen to you. It terrifies me. I love you with all that I am. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you. You deserve the world, baby"

"So do you" he whispered, kissing the top of your head.

You felt his chest shake, a deep rumble echoed from the depths of his lungs. You looked up to see him fight back a sob, his eyes wide open, glossy and red, trained down on you, "I love you too much to do this, Y/n. I'm sorry, I don't think I can"

"No!" you gasped, pressing your face back against his shoulder, "Don't do that. You can't do that. No"

"We won't work, Y/n" Bucky said as he brought you even closer, "I can't look at you anymore. I can't look at you without dying inside. You don't want to live with me like that"

"Yes, I do!" you sobbed. "I'll work with anything you give me, I swear there is nothing more I want. Just you. Just you and me. Bucky, please don't do this"

He held you close for what felt like half a second, but rationally speaking, your legs were getting numb. You just stood there, clinging to his body, taking in his scent and listening to his breathing even out until he pushed you away. Oh, how you didn't want to let go. Ever. But you did, and choked back a sob as soon as you felt the cold air of the room brush against the part of your body that had been pressed to his.

"We should get some sleep, Y/n"

"Are you coming with me?" you whimpered, afraid of the answer he might give you.

Bucky shook his head, "I think I'll just sleep here tonight"

That broke you. The shock and terror cut your breath away. It felt impossible - the feeling of losing him. The amount of pain that surged through you. At that particular moment, you felt like cracking your chest open to grip your heart into your hand and pick apart the broken parts. But not even that felt good enough, you were fairly sure you'd be left with nothing. It felt like a slap across your cheek, like a cloth had been placed over your mouth and your legs cut at the knees. It felt like the end.

Optimistic by nature, not even you could deny the reason he wanted to sleep alone. It was clear as day.

"If-" you mumbled, tears coating your face at their own free will, voice shaking as you barely managed to articulate the words over the violent sobs that ripped their way out of your throat. "If I promise to not do anything to try and convince you to stay… can you promise me that in case you decide to leave, you'll come and tell me first?"

"Oh, doll" Bucky broke down all over again, throwing himself at you again. He collapsed on top of you, molding his body around yours. "I promise, angel"

You just nodded. That was all you could do. It took another few moments for you to gather yourself and stop wailing, but you did, and then, with nothing else other than a sad smile, you left.

Your feet carried you to your room, and you were ready to collapse on top of your bed. Eager to cuddle into his pillows. They smelled like that shower gel you got him and you hated it. You wanted his scent. Not even caring how ridiculous it sounded, you padded over to the chair in the corner of your bedroom, the one Bucky uses to discard all his worn clothes.

You wanted to find a shirt he wore, one that smelled exactly like you knew him, but before you reached the clothes pile, your attention was drawn to the window.

Steve was standing there, facing the busy streets outside, hands in his pocket and his head turned in your direction.

"I didn't see you, sorry" you gasped, as your eyes accommodated to the darkness.

"It's fine" he shook his head, "I just figured you'd turn on the lights, you know, like the normal people. Didn't think I'd scare you"

"Yeah, sorry" you sighed, plopping down on the edge of the bed. "I did even think about turning the lights on"

He didn't say anything, but you saw him nod. He knew your pain. He lost enough in his life, and seeing his best friend sink back into his darkness was surely not easy for him either.

"Is he ok?" Steve eventually asked.

You shook your head, "He's too good of a man to be ok"

"That is Bucky" he laughed, and you couldn't help but do the same. The irony.

Steve's curiosity was palpable in the room. Words could not describe the appreciation you had for him for respecting your boundaries and not pushing you in a moment like this. But he deserved to know.

You opened your mouth to explain to him what happened, but as your mind processed everything all over again, you broke down. "I think he's gonna leave-" you cried.

Steve was quick to gather you in his arms, engulfing you in a bear hug, helping you stand on your own two feet. "What do you mean?" he asked, concern tracing his tone.

"I understand him, I do. And I promised I won't try to get him to stay if he doesn't want to. But- but I should've done more, Steve. I should've shown him somehow how much I love him. But I'm afraid he'll leave, and I don't want to live-"

"Hey, hey, hey" Steve hurried to stop you, petting your head softly before urging you to look up at him. "Bucky loves you more than I ever thought possible, ok? There's no question about it. I'm sorry I'm doing this, but I think he'll postpone it anyway"

"What?"

"The man wants to marry you, ok?" Steve smiled, "He asked Tony if he had any work for him so he could raise money. Can you imagine how that went down? He was red like a tomato, but he didn't think twice. James Barnes used the computer to look for rings for you. The Bucky I know? Never would've done this. You brought to life a part of him that no one else has seen before. He loves you. With all that he is. And trust me when I tell you, he won't stand to be away from you. You're his whole world, Y/n. He's my best friend, trust me when I tell you this is something you'll work through. I'll help, we'll all help. You're not gonna lose him, Y/n. He's so beat up about all of this because he loves you this much. He's all yours. If he decides to leave, I need you to be strong because he will be back. I got him back 70 years later. You just need to trust him. Trust his heart, ok?"

"Oh my god" you cried, "I don't know what to say"

"Don’t say anything" he chuckled, "We've been through so much together. All of us. Even if we try, nothing pulls us apart, ok? How many times has Loki died, hm?"

"God, Steve!" you scoffed somewhat amused and pulled back just to hit him, "Did you seriously compare Bucky to Loki!?"

"It got you to smile, didn't it?" he laughed. "But I'm serious. You've both been through so much worse than this. You'll get through this one too. And in case you ever feel like you won't, I'm here, ok?"

"Ok…"

Funny as it all was, it worked. He calmed you down - to some extent. Gave you hope you didn't know existed. If it wasn't for Steve, you probably would have not been able to fall asleep. And even though dreams didn't visit you, and you never relaxed enough to actually get some rest, you just dozed off. All clothed and curled diagonally on the bed, you cuddled Bucky's pillow to your chest as your eyes slowly fell closed.

When you opened them again, it was still dark out. You had no idea what pulled you awake as you struggled to sit up on the bed, but then you heard Bucky's voice again, from the doorway.

"Y/n?"

“Buck?” you gasped, turning around. Only his silhouette was visible, head hung low and hands deep in his pockets. He was leaning against the doorway, silently awaiting your response.

Right then and there, you felt your world collapse. Steve’s monologue made you actually fucking believe things would be fine, but here he was, keeping his promise. In the buttcrack of night, he kept his word, bidding you a much feared farewell.

“Is-” you sobbed, jumping out of bed and rushing towards him. You almost knocked him off of his feet when you flung yourself at him, but he was quick to reciprocate, caging you between his arms. “Is this it? You’re leaving?”

He didn’t say anything which frankly made everything worse. You broke down even further, clinging to his shirt as if it was the only source of oxygen keeping you alive - it sure felt like it.

“Look at me” Bucky urged you, tilting your chin up, “Please?”

You slowly lifted your head, your eyes meeting his.

“I’m sorry, I will make it up to you” he whispered, a frown settling above his tired eyes, “You’ll see”

“What does that even mean?" you questioned, tired and sick of this ongoing conflict that should not even have been an issue to begin with. "You don't have to make up for anything"

"I know you see things like that" he cooed, rubbing his thumb along your cheekbone. He spoke softly, his breath fanning against your skin, somehow, even in this situation, managing to calm you down. "But you can understand me too, right?"

"I don't want to" you shrugged, "I don't care. Why does it matter if I understand you or not if you're gonna leave anyway?"

"I'm not leaving, doll"

"What!?" you beamed, pulling away from his hold and grabbing his face in your palms, "You're not- but you're-"

His whole frame softened, "I'm not here to say goodbye, Y/n. I'm not going anywhere"

"Oh god" you gasped.

"Come on, come here" Bucky chuckled softly, bringing you back into his hold, "I'm staying here. I'm sorry for everything I put you through. You're the most badass woman I know and I managed to break you"

"I love you, Buck"

"I love you more, Y/n" he sighed, "I'll make everything right, I promise"

"Oh, fuck" you breathed out relieved, "Just do whatever you want, I don't care. You're here. That's all that matters."

"And we also need to teach you to fight-" he added, "For real. And find a way for you to take those goddamn shackles off in case this happens again"

"Tony won't be too happy about it" you laughed.

"Fuck if I care-" Bucky said strenly, pointing at you, "Next time, you need to be able to stop me. And fast"

"Maybe it won't happen again"

"Maybe not" Bucky nodded, "But if it does, we need to be ready"

"Thank you" you said, "I know I didn't play this right. I know I literally dismissed everything that you must have gone through today. I'm sorry"

"You don't get to be sorry" Bucky stopped you, "Not after-"

"Then you don't get to, either!"

"Meh" he shrugged, "We'll see"

"Bucky!"

"I love you" he laughed, bending down to pick you up. He planted his hands on the back of your thighs, picking you up with ease and walking you over to the bed. You plopped back against the fluffy mattress with a huff, and giggled as he crawled his way on top of you. Instantly, his lips met yours. It was exhilarating, the kind that made your chest ache. You moaned against his lips as love transpired through his touch. It was overwhelming and the first happy tears of the day streamed down your temples as you arched yourself against him.

"I'm so weak for you, fuck" Bucky groaned, his right arm reaching around your back and pressing you against his chest. "You're everything" he added as he kissed his way along your neck, "I'm all yours forever, Y/n. I love you too much"

"I'm here, baby" you moaned, hiding your face into his shoulder, "You're mine, Bucky. All mine."

His lips didn't leave your body as he pushed himself up just enough to be able to reach the buckle of his jeans. The sound made your core ache, and your mouth watered.

There was no patience in his movements. He barely pulled his jeans down to his knees before ridding you of your pajama pants. He lodged himself between your thighs, his mouth instantly back on yours again.

"Come on" you panted, steading your arms against his strong back. Your legs found their way around his frame, ready to pull him closer.

When Bucky guided his hands between your bodies to align the tip of his cock with your opening, you whimpered in anticipation. Agonisingly slow, he trailed his tip along your folds before reaching your clit. With a blissful moan, he reached further up, tapping his cock against your bare cunt a couple of times before returning his attention back to you.

"I got you, baby" he hummed, pecking your lips. "You ready? Is this ok?"

With eagerness, you nodded and wiggled under his weight, your pussy aching for him. "Yes, yes"

When you felt his cock push past your folds, you moaned out loud, your voice cracking with the pure pleasure that took over your being.

He eased himself in, going all the way until he all but knocked the breath out of you, and he stopped. Bucky reached down to kiss you again, his cock motionless, balls deep inside of you.

He bit down on your lip and you giggled.

"Felt your pussy clench around me, doll" he laughed, "You're good to me"

"You may be all mine, Buck, but I'm all yours too"

"Holy shit" he panted, shaking his head in disbelief. It was as if you weren't real. He'd have pinched himself, but if this was a dream, he really did not want to wake up. So he kept going.

Nibbling at the skin of your neck, he started to pull himself out of you. The slow pace was driving you insane. Your need grew so strong you felt everything. His breath, the way his hair tickled your chin, his strong around around your shoulders, his massive thighs rubbing against yours, every small vein along his cock that drove you closer and closer to the sweetest bliss you had ever known.

He got you all worked up at an agonisingly slow pace, before his thrusts became more and more aggravated. You moaned with each thrust despite your struggles to keep quiet.

"You know how much I love hearing you, doll" Bucky shook his head as he drove himself back inside of you all the way, "Moan for me"

"Fuck, ok" you gasped, and closed your eyes as you started to fall apart. You gripped the bed sheets into your hands and pulled as he kept fucking you, deep and hard.

"You're so good, baby" he groaned, "So, so good for me"

He sunk his teeth into your shoulder, fervently sucking deep, maroon marks all ice your skin. Gutural grounds betrayed his air of self control as a plethora of curse words escaped his lips. "Taking me so fucking well. I can't keep going like this, you're too fucking tight-"

"Cum, baby" you encouraged, voice low and tender as you spoke against his ear, "Cum for me"

"Don’t have to tell me twice" he chuckled.

His thrusts started to become sloppy and irregular, as his eyes flew closed. You missed the blue of his eyes, but his mouth was slightly agape as he panted his way to an orgasm.

His chest heaved against yours, "How do you feel so fucking good?" Bucky cursed, eyes still closed as he barely managed to mumble his words between the numerous grunts of pleasure that forced their way out of his throat.

You gave him no answer, instead just clung to him tighter, "Fuck, Bucky, I'm close-"

"Come on" he encouraged, hurrying to rub your clit. His fingers found your bud in an instant, working experienced, familiar circles that almost drove you over the edge. "Cum with me, ok?"

You nodded, gathering your lips between your teeth. He kept fucking you, harder and faster until he had turn limp under his weight. You came as his name rolled off your lips, and he followed seconds after, pumping his juices deep inside your pussy.

You felt his absolute pleasure as he breathed heavily against your shoulder. He kept going until you were both spent, and then fell down beside you.

"Bucky-" you whined, turning over and curling into his side, the lack of contact making you more needy than ever.

"Yes, darling?" he panted, tapping your chin.

"Nothing. I just love you"

"Love you too, doll" he huffed, spinning you around so you laid on your back.

He effortlessly helped you out of your shirt and plopped down on top of you, his head resting on your bare chest. His warm, right hand cupped your breast as he closed his eyes. He wrapped himself around you, "Hold me" he muttered, "please"

"Always, Bucky" you said, engulfing him in the tightest hold you could muster. Only then did you feel him calm down completely, and there was nothing in the world you could ever ask for.

If you liked it, please reblog and tell me what you thought? :)

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky x reader #bucky barnes imagine #sebastian stan x reader #bucky barnes smut #bucky barnes angst #bucky barnes fluff #sebastian stan smut

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itsagrimm · 3 years

Text

Imperial!Tech 2

Is it even romantic without murder?

Imperial!Tech is a delight and I am worried why I have fun writing a murderous lost nerdy boi. will likely do a part 3.

about 2.000 words

part 1

Part 3

CN insults, violence, murder, discriminatory behaviour, very toxic behaviour, soldier life in a fascist state, tiny bit of fluff or Manipulation depends on your perspective, blood, pain, talk of injury. imperial!Tech is a bit of a tease but he will come around

Imperial!tech X they*them Y/N reader

“This will not suffice. Repeat.”, Commander Tech ordered.

His command was calm and detached, a contrast to the exhausted and heavily panting Elite Squad soldiers.

They looked at each other. None of them having the strength to continue their practice. But also none of them having the will to argue with their commander.

Y/N looked up to the observatory deck. Commander Tech was up there, his black armour contrasting with the white walls.

“Is there a problem, ONCE?”, the voice of the commander echoed in Y/N helmet, using the moniker the elite squad had given Y/N.

“No sir. Can we get a short break before a new try?”

The commander glanced down before looking at the holopad in his hands again.

“The elite squad endurance and recovery time is miserable as expected. I calculated your performance to be at least on par with regular clone troopers. I see now that it was a mistake, and I will have to lower my expectation further & readjust my strategies to your … lacking skill level.”

“I am sorry, sir.”

“It is not your mistake to be born inferior.”, the commander stated flattly, “Your next round will be in 5 minutes standard.”

The Elite Squad looked at each other. Their commander was in a mood. Since his injury on Bracca the Squad had not been in action and commander Tech worked them into the ground with his bone breaking practice runs.

“It is impossible.”, ES-02 said using a private chat without the commander, “Who is he comparing us to? The commanders’ expectations are inhuman. Only some kind of super squad could execute his mind-boggling plans in the time he gives us.”

They nodded in agreement.

“He expects us to be at least as good as the regular clone troopers.”, ES-04 stated.

ES-03 laughed: “Yeah we are better than thosemeat droids. And what does he mean with regular clones? Is there even fancier cannon fodder out there?”

“Commander Tech is noticeably different from other clones. Maybe there are more like him out there?”, Y/N pointed out.

“Oh maker, imagine more copies of that pretentious smart mouth up there.” ES-03 rolled his eyes.

“Get in position and execute plan 8C.3 .”, the commanders voice cut through their chatter. ONCE felt as if they got caught bad mouthing Tech.

“Yes sir.”, they replied and got into position.

A ping from a private channel ringed. It was ES-03.

“You are quiet protective of our commander Tech, my dear ONCE. Is there something I need to know?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Well, … it is always ‘yes sir’ and ‘of course sir’ and sometimes you are both gone in the night. And our dear commander got a lovely visit in the med bay when he was wounded. You even bring him caf somet-“

“ES-03, mind your business.”

“No need to get so aggressive. I am sure it is nothing. And I am sure it is just a coincidence that he leaves you out of punishments or giving you the safest positions in his strategies…”

ONCE said nothing.

Since that time in the hangar the commander had some allure and to admit that meant a defeat ONCE could not afford.

“Well my dearest ONCE, got nothing to say about that? I-“

Static cut through their transmission.

“ES-03, I must inform you that I am very disappointed by your unprofessional behaviour within the Elite Squad which I will not tolerate anymore.”

“Commander? Is that you?”

“Yes of course, who else did you expect?”

ES-03 turned around and looked up to the observatory deck.

Commander Tech’s expression was unreadable, his eyes hidden by the reflecting glasses.

For a moment none of them moved. Then ES-03 took of his helmet and started shouting.

“Are you spying on us? Are you listening to all our private conversations???”, he screamed with a red head.

The commanders lips moved but up there and without his helmet ES-03 could not hear the commanders answer.

“Calm down”, ES-04 tried to defuse her squad member’s anger.

“I am NOT calming down! The sick dirty clone listens to our private channels!”

“Mate, it is not worth it to start a fight like this now.”, ES-02 added, “put your weapon down and think about it.”

“Are you serious??? Do you think I am a threat with this crappy old DC-17? A danger to any of you?! No, it’s this meat bag of a clone who should be afraid of me!”

ONCE flinched at ES-03’s words and readied their weapon.

He was out.

An angry man was a dangerous man.

ONCE former life as a bounty hunter had taught them this lesson well.

Static cut through their helmet again before ONCE heard commander Techs voice.

“Tell ES-03 that the Empire has issued an order to all commanding officers to listen into all communication of their soldiers. It is also very much encouraged to record it.”

“Are you sure that will calm him down, sir?”

“I don’t care about that. He either learns how to live with imperial command or he does not.”

“You are testing him.”

Tech paused.

“Follow your orders, soldier.”

He cut the transmission.

ES-03 was still shouting. His spit landed on ONCE helmet when he turned toward them.

“What did that clone say, my dearONCE??? You two just talked, didn’t you?!”

He sounded furious. His eyes burning like laser blasts into ONCE body.

“He said, checking all communication between soldiers is the new imperial standard to which the commander simply has complied.”

“Fuck that!”

ES-03 stepped closer, his DC-17 blaster still in his hands.

“Fuck that! Fuck that clone! Fuck the Empire! Fuck YOU, you little imperial whore!”

He raised his blaster, aiming for ONCE.

ONCE got cold. Trained instincts kicking in. They rolled sideways behind one of the training blocks to avoid the shot.

A blue blast slightly grazed their helmet, but the adrenaline made it impossible to tell whether or not ONCE got hit.

“ES-03! Stand down!”, Tech’s voice commandeered from somewhere close. He must have left the observatory deck.

“HA! What are you going to do, little nerdy boi? Do you want to protect your little pet over there?! Don’t even try! You are not even a real man!”

Another blue blast shot through the air.

ONCE could hear the Tech and other Squad members taking cover.

“He really did go full rage.”

“Not everyone is cut out for the soldier life.”

“Not everyone is cut out for the Empire!”

“What do we do?”

“Cut the chatter, soldiers”, Tech commandeered, “Take ES-03 out. Shot to kill.”

“Sir?!”

“We can stun him!”

Instead of an answer Tech jumped over the training block he was couching behind and kicked ES-03. ONCE heard the blaster slide over the floor and the sound of fists colliding with skin.

Over and over again.

The sound got wetter.

ES-03’s screams turned into pleas before going silent.

XXXXXXX

Another rotation on Kamino. Another dark night in the bunk room of the Imperial Elite Squad. Another nightmare.

Y/N woke up and looked around. Everything was calm except for the rain knocking at the window and the slow breaths from their fellow soldiers. Commander Tech was missing as always.

Weeks since the Commander had been hurt on Bracca. Days since ES-03 s death. Hours since he – since Tech – had looked at y/n. Why was that such a painful thought? He was a horrible man, a murderer!

He is just a good soldier, he follows orders. Just like you.

Y/N closed their eyes. Pictures of Tech beating ES-03 to death flashed before their eyes and with them the realization that whatever crimes and murders Tech committed, Y/N committed them alongside him. Two monstrous beings in service of a monstrous Empire.

The door to the bunkroom opened silently, only a light draft giving away the silhouette in the door frame. Y/N glanced to the door. It was the commander. He looked at the sleeping elite squad members and through the room as if he was searching for something.

Y/N got up on their elbows and looked at the commander.

Their eyes met.

“ONCE”, he whispered, “Come with me.”

Y/N got into their boots and followed the commander. The long white halls of Tipoca, the kaminoan capital, were empty and quiet. Tech lead the way but surprisingly they passed the hangar and soon arrived at his little office.

He turned around.

“I require your assistance, ONCE.”, he explained in a calm voice, using the moniker the elite squad had given Y/N.

“Now?”, ONCE answered.

“Yes, now.”

They looked at each other. Tech looked horrible. He had dark circles under his eyes so prominent, that even his glasses couldn’t hide them. His head wound from Bracca had left severe, still bloody scars and his hair was unkept and in patches from the burn he survived.

“What is it, commander?”

Instead of an answer he opened the door to his office. It was a little room, full of unfinished projects and gadgets, a wall scribbled with complex formulars ONCE was not in the mood to fathom and a littered table with various unfinished reports.

The workspace of the commander surprised ONCE. It was a stark contrast to the thoroughly planning and executing commander they knew.

“Can you cut my hair?”

“Sorry, sir?”

ONCE turned away from the room and faced the commander. His face was reserved but his voice had a telling neediness in it. The commander, Tech, he needed help.

“Well, I cut my own hair. I can try cutting yours. But I am no professional.”

He nodded.

“I noticed.”, he paused and smiled apologetically for his ambiguous phrasing, “That you cut your own hair, I mean.”

ONCE was speechless. He had smiled.

“I have my personal reservations towards the imperial service corps and their droid hairdressers. And the other option is to ask another trooper since I do not have the skill to cut my hair. But quite frankly the thought of trained regular soldiers having blades near my throat and more importantly my still healing wounds being opened up by some well meaning yet bad practising self-learned barber, is distressing which is why I require you to cut my hair.”

“In the middle of the night?”

“I was not aware of the need for sunlight in order to cut hair. Can you elaborate?”

ONCE suppressed a smile.

“I am sorry, sir. The circumstances are just a bit unusual. But I can try cutting your hair. And I do not plan on cutting your throat.”

“Good to know.”

He nodded casually, satisfied with ONCE’s answer, and produced a hair clipper from somewhere before seating himself on a chair with his back towards them. It was a captivating moment. ONCE looked at the hair clipper in their hand with its tiny blades and the commanders turned back to them. He had defined yet narrow shoulders for a soldier and a muscular back, visible through the thigh blacks. His bare neck was visible, and his occipital moved under his skin when he turned and looked at ONCE.

“It is alright. Feel free to give me whatever hair cut you choose to be fitting. As long as it is functional, I am content.”

ONCE breathed in. That was the commander. And they were about to cut his hair like they were good ol’pals or family. Like they were more. It was a sign of trust so unusual on Kamino, yet he had asked for it.

“You will need to take your glasses of.”

He complied and waited.

ONCE touched his hair to feel its texture before cutting. It was soft. Like a child’s.

They started cutting both sides to even out the burned parts and help with the sensitive skin around his scars before shortening the rest. Burned curls after curls fell on his shoulders and he brushed them away with his hands.

His hands. His murderous hands. They were large and had long fingers with little cuts from tinkering around. How did it feel being touched by them?

ONCE finished cutting, walked around Tech to look at the commander and squatted to see him from an even perspective. He looked good.

“This will work, sir.”

Instead of an answer he stretched his arm out and grabbed ONCE’s jaw.

“Thank you, Y/N.”

He got up and turned away.

Part 3

#imperial tech #the bad batch tech #tbb toxic tech #tbb #tbb tech #the bad batch #swtcw #order 66 #clone x reader #good soldiers follow orders #tech x reader #tech x y/n #tech x you #clone force 99 #clone commanders #slow burn #romatic murder

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astro-rain · 3 years

Text

delicate; b.barnes

chapter twelve - “it’s hovercraft time, bucky barnes”

delicate masterlist

word count: 2.4k

synopsis: neither bucky nor y/n can sleep... until they do. and the next day brings them an unexpected, but pleasant surprise.

pairings: bucky barnes x fem!reader

It was four in the morning when the psychologist and the super soldier got in their respective beds after the nightmare. Y/N laid on her side in the bunk across from Bucky, facing away from him and staring at the wall. Her body wanted to sleep but her mind kept whirring on and on, worrying about him.

It wouldn't be that bad if she could just ignore it. It wouldn't be so bad if she wasn't wide awake also thinking about how it would be utterly impossible for him to have any eye color other than blue.

She sighed. Christ almighty, just go to sleep.

About twenty minutes passed before she heard it.

"Why are you still up?" he mumbled.

She turned over to her other side, dramatically, staring at his silhouette in the dark.

"How could you possibly know that?"

"I'm a trained assassin," he said, as a matter of fact. "I can recognize breath patterns."

"Yeah, well I know for a fact that you aren't even trying to fall back asleep."

"How could you possibly know that?" he repeated her question.

"I just do," she stated before turning on her back and staring straight up.

He scoffed playfully.

"What?" she asked.

Her tone wasn't as playful. It wasn't angry or annoyed; she could never be with him. But, it was void of emotion and her usual sarcastic cadence. She didn't enjoy people reading her like that. She knew he wasn't, but it felt like she was being called out for caring so much. She wanted to rein in her own compassion, but she couldn't help the way he softened her.

"That's just code for 'I'm a trained psychologist and I know how you're gonna react to nightmares.'"

She replied with silence, desperately trying to end the conversation so she could try to sleep and leave this night behind.

"Sorry, did I- did I say something?" he asked.

"No, you're good."

Part of her felt bad for being short with him, but she needed it to be over. She needed to somehow distance herself from her own feelings.

"I'm sorry if I woke you up with the nightmare and messed with you being able to fall back asleep. I know it's... a lot."

He's sorry. He's sorry?

"Don't you dare apologize. It's not your fault, and it's not even why I can't fall back asleep."

"What's the problem then?"

"It's nothing. Just try and get some sleep."

"Yeah... about that..."

"Will you have another?"

"Not sure. I don't wanna find out."

"I know. And I'm sorry. Sleep shouldn't be this menacing, but you should still try anyway. Your body needs it."

"So does yours."

Y/N let out an exasperated sigh. There she went caring again and he kept deflecting. Her frustrations about her own emotions came out in stubborn defiance.

"I'm not sleeping until you do."

"Guess we're both stayin' up then."

"Bucky," she gently admonished.

"Y/N I can't- that... was the worst one I've had in a while."

That was it. Any and all aggravation faded to nothing, and her cheeks were hot with guilt. To hell with it; she refused to leave him to pain. She then got out of her bunk. Carefully, she maneuvered out and kneeled on the floor, facing him. She felt bad; she didn't mean to push him.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'm sorry, I should know better."

He mirrored her actions, slipping out of his own bunk and kneeling on the floor in front of her

"It's okay," he didn't miss a beat. His voice was as soft of hers. "Thank you."

He was closer now, so she could see a more detailed outline of him. She never really noticed just how large he was. Just his arm looked as big as her head. He was supposed to look frightening, but... she just couldn't see it.

"If you don't wanna sleep that's okay. I'll stay up with you so you don't have to be alone."

"Y/N..."

"I'm already up, I don't mind," she countered. "Seriously. I'm wide awake now. Honestly, I don't even know if I could fall back asleep if I tried."

"I can't ask you to stay up and babysit just 'cause you feel bad."

She scooted forward, determined not to lose to deflection again. Babysit? and Cause you feel bad? How could he truly think so little of himself?

"I am definitely not babysitting. I just happened to be awake at the same time you are... and not because I feel bad."

He scooted forward a couple inches, squinting, trying to decipher her facial expressions. "I can't tell if you're joking or not just from your tone of voice."

In the very back of her head it returned: that hazy enchantment feeling that swelled from her lungs through her brain stem every time she was this close to him. It is important to note - it was in the very back of her brain, and if you ignore something long enough, you can convince yourself it's not there.

"James Buchanan, I am awake and there's not a thing you can do about it."

"Alright," he sighed. "I don't know if you're expecting some kind of entertainment, but I can't really juggle with one arm..."

"I can't juggle with two."

"Ever been to the circus?"

"No."

He laughed. "Oh man, you're missin' out."

"No, I got the clown right here."

"Wow, is that how it is?"

"Depends. You got face paint and a rainbow wig?"

"Smartass."

The air was quiet after their breathy laughs fizzled out. A few moments of awkwardness quietly passed, both unsure of what to say next.

"You know when you're in the dark, your pupils dilate to take in as much light as they can in order to see better?" Y/N asked.

"I think I knew that? I'm not sure, I might've heard it somewhere. Why do you ask?"

"I don't know. I can't see your face super well, so it made me think of it. I can barely even see your eyes."

"Maybe that's better," he chuckled. "I don't know if they're still blood shot from earlier."

"Like I'd care."

"Why wouldn't you?"

"What?"

"Why wouldn't you care? I feel like seeing someone's puffy face and post-cry eyes would be kinda gross."

"You really think I care if your eyes are red or puffy?" she questioned. "Buck, I know I'm probably not supposed to say this because technically I'm your doctor, but I honestly consider you a really good friend. I'd be more worried to see that you've been crying than be aversive to it."

He scoffed in honest disbelief.

"What?"

"I just can't wrap my head around the fact that you think that way about me..."

"What do you mean?"

"...the person I am, the things I've done, the..." he shook his head, "the horrors I've committed..."

"The horrors you've committed are not who you are. I know you see yourself in a lot of different ways because it's hard to un-learn what other people have decided you are: a monster, a ghost, an asset, a machine, an assassin, a weapon, whatever. But have you ever considered that you're just human after all? You're a man who got dealt a shit hand in life. But there is still light in him... light that never left, no matter how hard they tried to beat it out of you. You're a survivor, Buck."

Bucky took a deep breath in, contemplating, before turning and laying on his back. They both remained on the floor, Y/N kneeling a few inches away from the side of Bucky's supine figure. He stared straight up at the ceiling.

"Sometimes I think I'm a better 'ghost' than I am a human being. My mind's a mess, and even though I'm trying, I still can't help but feel like I've lost who I am."

"You haven't lost who you are. You're just different now, and that's okay."

He looked up at her. "How do you always know what to say?"

"I know everything."

Y/N smiled, following Bucky's laugh, allowing the somber atmosphere to lighten up a bit. They so easily slipped in and out of the therapy dynamic, but now it seemed more like a heartfelt conversation between friends rather than treatment between doctor and patient.

"I consider you a really good friend too by the way - closest one I've had since Steve."

"Wow, really? That's an honor."

"Not really," he chuckled. "Steve's a punk."

And there she went laughing again. In one way or another she always found herself laughing around him.

However, she found it more confusing than funny when she woke up the following morning to find herself sitting on the floor, leaning against one of the beds with Bucky's head in her lap. She found her hands resting on his head protectively, fingers slightly carded through his long hair. She woke up before him... That's a first.

Y/N looked down at him. He was fast asleep; he looked peaceful and so relaxed. It was such a rare state to see him in, so she gave herself a few more seconds to study how his face looked when it was completely tranquil before she smoothed her hand along the back of his head and replaced her lap with a pillow.

"Hey," a raspy voice called out.

Y/N turned around from her seat at the table, hands still wrapped around the cup of tea she made herself a few minutes prior.

Bucky was awake, sitting up, but still in his previous spot on the floor.

"Hey. You want some tea?"

He stood up, nodding and stretching his back. "Did I fall back asleep?"

"You did," she smiled. "I'm pleased. I told you you needed the rest."

He seemed pleasantly surprised. "And on the floor too. Very classy."

She raised her mug to him, as if to make a toast. "Classiest man I know."

He laughed before grabbing the kettle and realizing it was empty.

"Shoot. We're outta water."

"It's alright. We know where to find the waterfall. You want to go get more?"

"Mm hm."

"Alright, I'll just finish my tea and go out in a few minutes."

"Don't be ridiculous. I'm coming too."

"You sure? You just woke up. You can take some time to just relax if you want."

"No. I'm going."

"Stubborn. I can go myself, you know. I know the way."

"Would you let me go by myself?"

Y/N was silent for a moment before sighing.

"Get your shoes."

"You know, there was really no reason to almost push me into the water," Bucky commented as they were making their way back to the shelter after restocking their water supply.

"I wasn't actually going to!"

"You might as well have! My life flashed before my eyes!"

"Bet that took forever. You wanna backtrack? I can do it for real this time."

"I'm throwin' you in next time."

"You couldn't throw me," she challenged.

"Like a football," he countered, smirking.

"I don't wanna test that theory."

Their banter continued as they continued walking, making sure they were in the tree line and not out in the open. Bucky was always cautious. He was able to laugh with her while still making sure they were safe. That was until his arm was suddenly around the front of her shoulders, and holding her against his chest as his back was flush against a tree, effectively hiding them both from sight. She just stared forward, barely registering how fast he swiveled both of them around.

"There's someone at the bunker. I'm sorry- didn't want us to be seen."

He removed his arm, but her feet were stuck. She had never been close to him like this before; she didn't know what to think of it. She stepped forward a bit, breaking the contact but still facing away from him. She was hyperaware of their proximity but that quickly dissipated as she registered what he said.

"What did you see?"

"There were a couple people, but I didn't get a great look 'cause I moved out of sight fast. One woman, two men? I think."

His tone and demeanor reminded her of that day Shuri told them they had to go in hiding. He was so calm and collected. She forgot situations like these were practically muscle memory to him.

"Do you think someone found us? What were they doing?"

"I only saw 'em for a second, I'm not sure. Stay still, I'm gonna look."

As soon as his head peaked around the tree, so did Y/N's, ignoring his order.

"Wait, I think that's Shuri."

"Are you sure?"

"Pretty sure. I don't know if I'd bet my life on it."

"What's that other thing?"

"The hovercraft?"

"Hovercraft? God, I love this place."

"Wait, see the crest on the hovercraft - that's the one only Shuri can unlock."

"Alright, just... stay behind me. Okay?"

"Okay."

The two slowly made their way towards the three Wakandans. Y/N actually listened this time and stayed behind Bucky. As soon as they were in sight, Shuri came running up to them.

"Y/N!" she exclaimed, immediately throwing herself into the psychologist, embracing her.

She was startled at first, arms awkwardly hanging by her sides before her brain finally caught up to her and she brought her arms up lightly, returning the hug.

"Shuri! What happened?"

"We won!" Shuri grinned. "It's a long and complicated story, but the rightful King never died. My brother has reclaimed his place on the throne. Wakanda is ours once again!"

A monumental weight was lifted from Y/N's shoulders. She sighed in relief, knowing she was no longer in danger, knowing Bucky was no longer in danger.

"That's incredible. I'm so glad everything's okay, and I'm so glad to see you."

"I'm glad to see you too, my partner," Shuri hugged her once more before addressing Bucky. "Sergeant Barnes. I'm sorry for all the trouble. I hope everything was alright?"

"We've been getting along just fine," he nodded. "Thank you."

Shuri called over the two other men - royal guards that came with her - before turning back to Y/N and Bucky.

"You've been camped out here in hiding long enough. Let us go home."

As they walked behind the Wakandan princess, Y/N nudged Bucky with her elbow.

"It's hovercraft time, Bucky Barnes," she managed to say through a face numbing smile.

delicate taglist: @bakugouswh0r3 @thefridgeismybestie @strivingforelegance

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dearbraus · 2 years

Text

— Untitled.

Warnings; Death + description of injury + blood + violence.

Word count; 1.0k

Note; Just wanted to try something new and write. Spoiler warning for the Aot manga ending. :)

You thought you had seen it all.

Friends and fellow soldiers crushed before your very eyes, limbs and torsos twisted and snapped in half before they were swallowed whole. Picked apart by titans like vultures, so starved and depraved they’d claw each other's faces off just for the chance to stuff their round, distended bellies full until the need to spew chunks of half-decayed flesh overtook them. And then they’d repeat it. Over and over again until one soldier got lucky, hit the mark and ended their miserable existence.

It was rare that soldiers got lucky.

Their blades too dull or their footing just barely a centimetre off. Or sometimes they just missed, catching themselves only to see their comrade follow suit, counting on every star in the sky that they’d do better, that they were strong enough to do what they couldn’t. Slice the nape of their neck, not too shallow but not too deep just as they’d practiced for three gruelling years.

Yet, hundreds of lives were snuffed out in the blink of an eye. Unfinished stories halted mid-sentence and tossed away, lost in a sea of souls searching for the meaning of life. Was it to dedicate your heart to the cause, to humanity as they promised or something more? There was no answer, not when torn green capes and spatterings of blood that’d wash away come the rain, all that was of a person's life. If you were lucky there’d be something more; a torso, maybe a half-rotted corpse. It stung less to tell someone’s family their children had lost the fight when there was something tangible, something they could see. They could hold it between trembling hands, wretched sobs wracking their body and knowing that they were well and truly gone.

Otherwise, it was the dull grey slates, carbon copies of one another with meaningless words carved into the surface that remained. The final proof of existence for most. The one thing that told the world that you were here, that in this very moment you existed; loving and being loved despite it all, so optimistic it was almost comical how quickly how it all collapsed. The idealistic future you dreamed of crumbling the moment you came face to face with a titan. Growing jaded, but a shell of the person you were. You ask yourself “Would my parents recognize me?” though you know they wouldn’t; you can hardly recognize yourself.

When the dust settles, you pick up the pieces. Stitch yourself back together and pretend that there is normalcy to be had. Follow each and every order barked out by Commander Erwin, Squad Leader Hange, Captain Levi, because that is all that you can do to feel a little lost. Routine is good, you don’t have to think when your day is planned out to the last hour. When you’re too tired to go one, the exhaustion settles into your bones, and your eyes tinged red, stinging from lack of sleep, you force yourself to weather on until you collapse.

You don’t sleep unless you have to because night is when the nightmares come.

Their voices clear as day, haunting as their last words replay in your mind, muddling into tortured screams, choking on their own blood, frantically gulping down their final breaths of air until their bodies give up, leaving you in silence. The silence wasn’t the worst part, it was the faces; flashing behind your eyelids until you woke up screaming, your cheeks wet with hot tears. You could handle the voices but not the gruesome images imprinted of your comrades gutted and bloodied. So you didn’t sleep, not if you could make it through the day without it. Which you learn, you could. The stars are a much friendlier company than the warm comfort a bed once brought you. Your bed is no comfort at all, not anymore.

And you thought you had seen it all.

That was until you watched your closest confidant walk through the clearing fog with your lover's head cradled in her arms. In all your years as a soldier, that was the worst thing you could have possibly seen. Your heart dropping through your feet, lodging itself into the ground and leaving your chest hollow. Cold all over and hollow all over, ears ringing so loudly you didn’t realize you let out a horrid sob until your throat became raw.

Eren Jäger was gone.

For so long he was invincible, untouchable; Eren Jäger was a man who always came back stronger but now he had gone too far. He needed to be stopped, to be killed. But that knowledge of all the bad he had done would never make the hurt go away. Beneath the long hair, and the cold steely eyes that were near recognizable was the boy that you’d met during training. Hard-headed but sweet, someone you could picture spending the rest of your life with if he hadn’t let his impulsivity and desire for vengeance get in the way. But life wasn’t so kind, not in this world. If it was you wouldn’t have been raised trapped in a pen life cattle, crumbling grey walls as high as the sky itself.

It was only fitting as you grew older that the boy with eyes like emeralds should grow cold, uncaring, and cruel. His last words to you poisoned with malice and spit with a snarl.

So much had been lost, you shouldn’t have allowed yourself to open your heart up even more, but you did.

And now you've seen it all; felt the most unimaginable pain.

Your heart buried beneath that tree where Shiganshina used to be, laid to rest with him. Picking up the pieces one by one until the hurt only felt like a dull throb in your chest most days. Because there wasn’t anything else you could do, there wasn't anything else you should do. Finding solace in the arms of someone who loved him just as much as you did, the only other person in the world who understood what it was like to love Eren Jäger as deeply as you did. It hurt a little less when you rested between a warm embrace, soft words whispered against the shell of your ear. They, like you, knew it would never be okay, not after this, but for one short moment in time, it wasn’t unbearable.

#aot angst #snk angst #eren x reader #eren jaeger x reader #aot x reader #snk x reader #eren yeager x reader #death tw #injury tw

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heybeybey · 3 years

Text

Ready, Set, Don't Go

Words: 1,833

Genre: Angst/Family

Rating: G Summary: Levi may have resigned from the military, but he'd underestimated how much his daughter is as much of a fighter as him and Petra. (Set almost 2 decades after canon events)

Happy Father's Day, folks!

I'm sorry for contributing slight angst today but don't worry, nobody dies. 👍 Also here, have some wheelchair Levi and a teenage Ackerbaby.

And thank you to @levis-petras for being my beta for this fic 💖

- - - -

Levi wasn't much for celebrations ever since he was young. In fact, he only recognizes five dates that are worth commemorating:

His wife's birthday.

His daughter's birthday.

His twins' birthday.

His and Petra's wedding anniversary.

And Mother's Day, but that one wasn't just for Petra. Truthfully, it was also the only way he gets to celebrate his late mother. He barely remembers her birthday, and he wasn't even sure he knew in the first place.

So, you see, he only celebrates when it's all about the people he holds dear. He doesn't really see the point in All Hearts Day or even his birthday. A more cost-efficient option too.

However, it still hurts that he's spending Father's Day this way.

The day started off normally. He woke up to Petra peppering kisses down his neck, greeting him a Happy Father's Day. The twins—Luke and Philip—then came bouncing in, both boys eager to show him the cards they drew for him.

He came down to Izzy brewing tea—a blend his daughter bought for him as a gift—and greeting him with a hug. He'd have to admit that it's been nice to be coddled by his family.

Then came dinner time.

He noticed that Izzy had been uneasy the past few days, and all those nerves seemed to have culminated during dinner. The brat had been on edge the whole day that he had to snap at her to just spill it.

It first started with an off-hand comment about how there will be a ceremony the next day for new military recruits. He sees his wife give Izzy an encouraging look from the corner of his eyes as she stumbles through her words.

Izzy, who's not much of a great liar to begin with, quickly muttered 'I signed up for the military.' and refused to meet his eyes.

"What?"

"I know that you might not agree now and that you and mom had been through a lot," Izzy starts to explain in a rush. "But I know this is what I'm meant for dad! I think there's not going to be a lot of battles to fight and it's more just—"

"No," he cuts off.

Her squeaking words quickly turned into a hiss, and it only got worse when he demanded that he drop her spot.

Soon, Petra was ushering their twins up to the second floor, knowing how arguments between father and daughter can get nasty.

"This is not fair!"

"The answer is no, Izzy," he said, matching his teenage daughter's tone. He rolls his wheelchair to follow her all the way to their house's front door, hearing her rage around the house. "Oi brat, what did I say about banging on the fucking furniture?"

He distinctly hears Petra scold, "Language, Levi!" from upstairs, but both father and daughter ignores her.

"I'm 16 now, dad," she snaps back, ignoring his last comment. "You can't tell me what to do."

Izzy finally turns around to face him, never one to back down. She's looking at him now with fury in her eyes and a retort ready on her lips.

Definitely her father's daughter.

"Do you even know what you're doing, Izzy?" He said, voice finally softening as he takes in the loaded backpack on her back. He feels the weight of her decision then.

"I wouldn't have signed if I didn't."

He'd always had a hunch that Izzy was fond of the military. Too fond for his taste, if he's going to be honest about it.

Guilt pinches him a bit whenever he thinks back to his promise that he would stand by his children no matter the choices they make. Even at the age of 56, he remains steadfast to his belief to live a life with no regrets.

But he'd be damned before he even allows any of his children to enlist.

So the first time she daydreamed of becoming a soldier at the tender age of eight, he had quickly shut down the idea.

"Here, girls like dolls right?" he had said as he pushed the plushie to her arms. He doesn't really give a damn whether she likes toys that are meant more for girls or boys. He'd buy her anything she asks for, budget permitting. But for some reason, that moment had settled uneasily in his gut. "I bought this for you today."

"But I want that one!" she'd screech, pointing at the display of two toy dual broadswords.

Petra had reprimanded him, telling him that he shouldn't discourage their child just because of their experiences. He could only give his wife a worried look in return.

Izzy was 11 the next time she approached the topic, asking him about his time as Captain Levi Ackerman. While he and Petra had moved out of Paradis since the Battle of Heaven and Earth, never even thinking of looking back, Petra was able to keep a few portraits of their team and the other Scout veterans.

Izzy, the curious young teen that she was, found them.

"See, it says here that you were a captain!" Izzy exclaims, eyes sparkling with excitement and reverence. She'd been bouncing to and from the box with the portraits and other memorabilia during his and Petra's time in the Scouts. She then settled down, looking from the portrait of a younger version of Levi with Erwin to her father's scarred face now. Levi feels his hands clenching on the armrests of his wheelchair, his vision starting to blur the more he looks at his former commander's face.

"It's so cool that you were in the military. And that you even had a high position! Do you think I'll also become a captain in the future? Maybe you can train me so I can reach that level! Please dad, can you tell me more? Is that why you have that badass scar? Mom won't tell me anything—"

Brat didn't know that he was there until the end. He doesn't know what they teach in history classes to children nowadays, but he and Petra had agreed that there's no sense in mentioning their time as soldiers and the literal hell they've been through to any of their children.

Not really a good bedtime story for kids.

The thought of his own child witnessing the same shit he and Petra went through was enough to give him a new set of nightmares every night.

"She's young, Levi," Petra consoles him after he sat up sweating from a nightmare. Tears were also streaming down her cheeks as she clings on to his bare shoulder. "She might still change her mind."

The last time Izzy mentioned it, she was 14. Everything was starting to pick up again during that time. Paradis' military, unsurprisingly, was the strongest.

Armin came over to tell them that a new order will be established—a neutral party from different nations that they all hope would promote and retain the fragile facade of peace they all had before one side goes batshit crazy. Arlert had been the same level-headed young man that he was since Levi had to revive his charred ass back in Shiganshina as he explained everything to the former captain.

With this change came a new branch of military for implementation.

Izzy had been starry eyed since then.

"This might be the world's chance to truly fix things," she babbled on that whole day—a mixture of rants about the current state and how everything is being handled, and reverence at the possible future this change might bring.

"Imagine... Imagine being a part of that..." Izzy had trailed off then, eyes faraway but lit up with optimism.

All Levi can hear and see is another Isabel from years past.

Back then, he'd chalked it all up to the fanciful thinking of a child who doesn't know any better. Now, Levi desperately wants to believe that maybe this is just a rebellious teenage phase. He'd been around a lot of teenagers during his time and he'd witnessed how crazy they can get.

Like Eren and—

He tears himself away from the memory before his mind fucks him up further. He and Petra already deals with it on an almost nightly basis, and it's a thought he'd rather not dwell on during his waking hours.

The living room was quiet for a moment as both father and daughter stare each other down. Levi looks at his first-born now—committed and kind like Petra, blunt and fearless like him. The best of his and his wife's qualities mixed together.

But who knows when shit will go down again? Things were shaky enough in this damned world as it is. While he and Petra were able to find their own safe spot to raise their children in, one can never be too complacent.

He'd already lost too much, and most days he wakes up thinking that even his family is temporary. There one day, gone the next.

"I can do my part this way, dad," Izzy finally replies, drawing her father back to the present. She sighs, dropping down her bag and kneels on one side of his wheelchair so they'd be at the same level. "Like what you did. Like what you and mom did."

He remains quiet as he takes in the determination in her eyes. It's the same look Petra would have more than two decades ago when she saves another soldier from being titan shit. The same look his daughter would have whenever she refuses to let go of a toy before bath time back when she was a toddler.

He knows then that there's no swaying her from her decision.

"You're too much like your mother," Levi says, resigned. They even have the same strawberry-blonde bob, he notes. Izzy gives him a sad smile then.

"You're just too old to 'deal with my teenage bullshit', dad," Izzy retorts to lighten the mood, doing her best to imitate her father's previous rants.

He doesn't tell her that maybe what he's too old for is the possibility of losing another person he holds dear.

- - - -

When he sees her off the next morning, already in the uniform issued by the military, he decides that he'd rest easier at night knowing that Izzy believes he's there to support her. He fought for Paradis' freedom for half his life. Why would he rob his daughter from her freedom to choose the path she wants?

"I'm proud of you, Izzy," Levi whispers against her ear as she hugs him tightly, fighting against his desire to beg her to not to go. It may be uncharacteristic of him to want to sob out and cling further to her but damn it, this is his daughter.

But Izzy's breath hitches at his words, and tears soon started to fall. His own arm encircles tightly around her while he supports himself with a crutch. She looks at him gratefully, true joy in her eyes, and that was enough to stop him from forbidding her further.

"You're not allowed to die," he mutters instead—so similar to the 'encouraging words' he gave the young recruits he guided before.

Izzy laughs through her sobs and teases him, "Is that an order, 'captain'?"

"Damn right it is, brat," he replies, fondly ruffling her hair.

#rivetra #levi ackerman x petra ral #wheelchair levi #ACKERBABY #TEENAGE ACKERBABY #levi x petra #rivetra fic #rivetra au

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helpinghanikan · 3 years

Text

Sleeping arrangements

Avengers (and Matt Murdock x Reader)

Sum: It's late and the bed is so nice. It's time to sleep and to bring your heroes along with you. (Fluffy little snippets of sleepy time with the Avengers)

Steve Rogers:

It’s the last train home and only one thing in this world is warm. The wall of Steve Rogers your head rested against was beating softly through the jacket and shirt he wore. Keeping your arms around his center to keep any of the heat from getting away. His own arm protects around your shoulders, keeping you in and gibing his hand something to do instead.

He could’ve driven, he should’ve driven, instead he wanted to take the train. He wanted to walk around like he did years and years before, but this time with your hands intertwined.

Although far away the train has started to shake the earth. Taking you out of the almost sleeping world and back into this cold one. The change in worlds brings out a yawn and lets the cold back in. It’s been a long day. With your eyes closed and clothes heavier than they could ever be Steve was the only thing keeping you up. His chin rests on your head after a while, thumb rubbing over your shoulder as the train finally pulled to a stop.

Inside it was the same story but in a seated position. Guided into his lap and landing with a groan as it was just so much work. The practically empty strain allowed your legs to stretched straight out over the seats.

Steve could stay awake longer than most, but he was tired. He was cold and annoyed and really wished he had driven instead of taking this stupid train. He took his frustration out on squeezing you tight, holding on as if you were liable to fall right out of the seat if he let go. At least it was warmer inside the train.

Tony Stark:

Someone staying up late, not getting enough sleep, and making exhaustion their personality trait is funny for maybe week. But After days of trying to coax him to come to bed, to try something other than just giving up on sleep or even talking to a doctor it gets concerning. After weeks of these same issues, it becomes frustrating.

Everyone, from Pepper to Peter have done their fair share of lecturing. Happy has gone out of his way in helping you get the dumbass to appointments. All of which he has walked right out because, unfortunately, he was still an adult who could make his own decisions.

It’s only after using the nuclear word that he pays attention.

“Anthony,” You say just before he leaves the room.

Although speaking to his back he does stop. His shoulders have tensed under the t-shirt and he’s listening in.

There’s an audio book’s worth of things you could say about this issue. But it would all be a repeat that he’s heard before, from many different mouths. Instead, you kept it simple, not even bothering to turn on the light.

“You didn’t even try.” It comes out from a tired partner just wanting the best for him. Yet Tony walks away from the advice, again.

Thor:

Power doesn’t stop for sleep. It’s still in the air when he’s laying sideways towards the window. Because of the whole nighttime thing it’s hard to tell if clouds are actually coming in or darkening. Maybe you’re just insane but Mr. Weatherman didn’t say anything about rain tonight, right?

It was a jolt that really woke you up. Looking over your shoulder at the expanse of muscular back. Thor movements were always a bit too…loud for this world. Whether running through a fight or moving in his sleep it calls attention to everyone. He doesn’t mean to, but it does wake you up enough to see your glass is dryer as a bone.

As if reading your mind, the rain has come down. It could almost be described as torrential how hard it was all coming down. Matching the dramatics of rain, a lightning strike coming straight down into some poor tree.

This wasn’t the first time Thor had a nightmare. Asgardians just seemed to be humans 2.0, making Thor just as a victim to horror as we humans are. At the same time, he was still another worldly being, translating to giving him a few feet when waking him up.

Another strike of lightening and another tree is taken out of this world. Without the lights on that blast was your only moment of lightening. The rest of the journey made to Thor’s side of the bed was done in darkness and pounding rain. Following the outlined Asgardian until reaching his shoulder. A gentle hand on his should does nothing. A little shake and a whispered “Thor,” finally does the trick.

The two strikes of lightening outside somehow reached his eyes. For the briefest of seconds blue, cracking energy is directed right at you. Stopping just as quickly as they appeared, replaced with Thor’s regular blue eyes that blink a few times.

“What is it?” he asks.

There’s no point in telling him the truth about his nightmares and their effect. Then again, there’s no point in lying either. Instead, it’s better to distract. “It’s still super early. Back to bed.” You say instead, kissing with until he takes the hit and holds you.

Bucky Barnes:

Sleep is a luxury that isn’t worth chasing. With the pillows and sheets there were nightmares and enemies that could sense his weakness. Trying to get at least six hours and all that guarantees is waking up sweaty and a call to doc, making sure to get everything back in order before you could ever notice.

Instead, he takes walks. Maps out the city at night, the changes and differences that happened without him. He recognizes the buildings, the structures and bricks that were too strong to be a victim to time.

Most of the time he does this alone. Watching a show about nothing until you were asleep before starting his walk. But there were times you catch him, calling out to him like the neighborhood cat trying to get away. Getting on your own shoes and jacket quickly. Then enforcing the handholding during the little adventure.

It’s only when passing by something important that words are shared. “One of my buddies worked here when this place was a mechanic. Broke his leg just before the draft, I still think it was on purpose.” He’d say then never bring it up again.

These walks are always shorter than most. After two times Bucky learned when to make the loop back home with you. When your building comes back into view the handholding has gotten sweaty. The walking had slowed to a crawl and you were dragging him down by the arm. Even less talking was done after getting through the door; just landing face down onto the bed without bothering about the shoes.

These kind of walks were Bucky’ favorite.

Natasha Romanoff:

The bed was used almost exclusively for sleeping. As the couch was both comfy and expensive. And, as Nat puts it, “Should we do it with the lights off too? Under the covers like grandparents?” Although it was probably another reason to use the overpriced couch more often.

Like any good, and overworked, soldier Nat could sleep anywhere. When a mission is done, and there’s nothing to worry about, a shower and a nap is the best in the world.

“I smell nice,” She says walking into the living after the shower. Steam still behind her, hair wrapped up and a sweater purposefully bought to be several sizes too big.

She stretches and lays over you like a cat. Resting as close as possible so you, too, can smell the expensive shampoo she uses. Making sure that the body wash isn’t ignored either as that, too, was expensive.

“Might as well spend this pay on something,” She says when asked about the prices.

Although she asks what you’re up to she won’t be awake for the answer. Already teetering into sleep land when you answer.

Natasha was as athletic as she was heavy. Only sometimes managing to carry her bridal style and most of the time having to walk/guide her into the bedroom. Either letting her drop onto the bed with the same weight you had carried in, or she holds fast and takes you down with her.

Just like a cat, Natasha gets to decide cuddle time.

T’challa:

Although the mattress was new, the bed’s size was traditional, and passed on through generations of rulers. Forget California king bed, A Wakanda king bed was that and a half. Ten feet length, twelve feet tall. Combined with blankets, pillows and more it was easy to disappear into the thing. But it was also easy to get lost in it all.

In the middle of the night, in the very center of this ocean of bed, you can reach out forever. Finding pillows (both the decorative and the usable kind), smaller blankets or stuffed animals that have managed to be added. But it’s a tiresome journey, one that doesn’t seem to have an end even as you stretched to pointed toes and fingers.

It’s only after touching body heat that you can relax. Finally finding your king that turns to your touch. Making his own journey through sheets and bedding. Using you as the trail into his love. Neither of you thinking about the absolute nightmare it will be to make this bed tomorrow.

Pietro Maximoff:

For most of his life Pietro is moving. Be it running or just running his mouth, he’s not the kind of guy to sit still. Unfortunately, this also applies to sleeping.

“He’s been sleep walking since we were children,” Wanda once said. “Our father once found him crying in a puddle. He had slipped and woken up in the street. He’ll deny crying, though.”

As an adult Pietro doesn’t actively get up and walk around anymore. The man made up of strong and lean muscle still moves quite a bit. Waking up from freezing feet finding yours or because he’s sat upright in bed again. Using soft, but firm, pressure to get him to lay back down or to guide him back to his side of the bed. If you weren’t careful his arms would find you, almost dragging you back to his side of the bed.

He'd deny it in the morning. Smiling with barely open eyes as you’re still pressed against him. No matter how much you’re going to insist this was his fault he’d still mock you. Nuzzling in since you insist on cuddling so much.

Peter Parker:

There’s a time limit next when sitting next to Peter. You have ten minutes before his head finds your shoulder. If you don’t shrug or lean away he’ll stay there, slowly leaning in until he’s all settled.

Although not completely asleep he does rest. If your hands are held in those moments you could probably feel his pulse slow down as his breathing slows. Maybe his eyes manage to stay open, but his eyes do get heavy. Someone could say his name, and he’d respond, but it be from his throat. An annoyed groan directed to whoever was ruining this moment. Even if it was usually a teacher or adult.

It’s only when traveling, and you’re sitting for a while, that he completely falls asleep. Progressing past just leaning his head and adding his arms. If you allow him, putting an arm around your back and the other over your center. With your own arm over his back, he sleeps in a position that, although sweet, always left a pain in his neck. Something he’d complain about until you ask if he want’s you to rub his shoulders.

Stephen Strange:

During aura projection Stephen’s body is dead weight. No muscles or bone working with the individual trying to help them. It’s just taken over by gravity and his entire weight wants to be on the floor. Sleep does the same thing.

Short of a bucket of water to his face he won’t wake up. Part of his experience in med school was taking every bit of use sleep could give him. Which leads to sleeping fast, and sleeping hard, usually opened mouth. No snoring yet, but the moment he does there’s an open target for shutting him up.

Matt Murdock:

It’s a mixture of meditation and caffeine that he is still functioning. Too busy, much too busy, as a lawyer for the two of you to share a bed most of the time. Making any comments you have about his sleep schedule mute.

Watching him doesn’t change give any information either. Coffee in the morning, some deep breathing and self-centering in the between moments at work, and sleep ins on days off were all you could gather. Between that it’s easier to just assume he’s fine.

Just laugh at his “not like I need to rest my eyes,” jokes and move on.

Carol Danvers:

After going through every time change known to man, alien and beyond Carol has developed a very specific still. Carol Danvers, woman with the power of a star and to sleep literally anywhere at any time. Be it a cleared-out corner of some ship, an open floor that keeps her hidden from passersby or on your lap. The latter being her personal favorite.

Like a massive golden retriever, she wants to be in the middle of your lap. Close as possible with a arm holding around your shoulder and the other on her toy, or phone. A being of wiry muscle and heat keeping you pinned to the couch. Most of the time she’s out ten minutes into the movie, most of the time the remotes’ out of reach, and most of the time you gotta go pee.

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catboygretzky · 3 years

Note

best stucky fic recs pwease

Okay, disclaimer, these are all like five+ years old (which is the best Stucky era, imo) and definitely not the only ones I enjoy; these are just a few in my bookmarks on ao3.

In no particular order besides the order I bookmarked them and under a read more because there's a shit ton of them (really, it's a lot):

- hold me until we crumble; Not Rated, 23k

“Sam told me you were watching Antiques Roadshow,” Natasha says, shaking out her hair. “I assumed it was a national emergency.”

- despite the threatening sky and shuddering earth (they remained); Explicit, 72k

“They really didn’t want the mask to come off.” Hill thumbed through the scans, and pulled out a film that she then handed over to Sam, face mostly expressionless but for the flat line of her pursed lips.

Sam accepted the film and held it up to the light, angling so both he and Steve could see it, squinting at the outline of the Winter Soldier’s skull, and the blips of unnatural white that showed up, God, in his brain, not to mention about half his teeth, plus the mask, with its thin protrusions—

“Those are pins,” Steve realized. He looked over at Hill. “The mask—it’s nailed to his face.”

Hill’s face was as unmoved as ever. “Like I said. They really didn’t want it coming off.”

- family means no one gets left behind or forgotten; Teen, 11k

“Why did you think I wouldn’t like you for being gay?” Steve asks gently.

“You’re Captain America.” Eli’s got his teeth clenched and is resolutely looking ahead. “You stand for truth and justice and the American way. You stand for American morals. You stand for…” he shrugs awkwardly. “Not people like me.”

Steve blows the air out of his cheeks slowly, trying to figure out how to keep the anger out of his voice so Eli doesn’t think it’s at him.

Or, Steve comes to terms with his new world, and gains some children in the process.

- Mistake on the Part of Nature; Teen, 1.3k

Steve takes in Bucky's betrayed look and Sam's confusion, follows Sam's gaze to the pile of mangled fruit in the trash can. Sudden comprehension fills his face.

"Oh," he says. "Bucky found out about bananas."

In which an American icon is mourned. But probably not the one you're thinking of.

- Swear Jar; Teen, 1.5k

Bucky isn't the only troll in the future.

Steve has a Swear Jar and he makes the Avengers pay up every time they cuss.

- Barnes & Rogers and the Goddamn Truth; Not Rated, 19k

There are three well-known facts at Shield High:

1. The history teacher Mr. Barnes is a stone-cold terror, and it’s not even because he only has one arm. 2. The other history teacher, Mr. Rogers, is a mysterious enigma, and it’s something to do with the body of a Greek God and contradicting stories of his past. (They’re all rumours, anyway.) 3. Mr Barnes and Mr Rogers hate each other.

Bucky wouldn’t have it any other way.

- perfectly right wrong number; Teen, 32k

It all starts because Steve is too dumb to handle his smartphone.

A wrong number AU in which Bucky Barnes doesn't enter Steve's life (meaning: Bucky wasn't born until the eighties, but Steve is still Captain America) until Steve accidentally dials the wrong number. Wherein there is a lot of texting, some advice via Natasha and Darcy, a bit of pining, and a first date in an amusement park. Oh, and on top of being a disabled veteran, Bucky is a professional catwalker. Literally.

- The power of the right shirt (a.k.a. God bless America); Teen, 1.2k

"He just…" Phil trails off, mouth gaping. He is staring at the field outside the house, eyes glazed.

Clint sighs. "Yeah, he just ripped a log in two with his bare hands."

- To fill it up with something; Teen, 21k

A fateful encounter with Dr. Strange leaves the Winter Soldier transformed, and Bucky Barnes reunites with Steve Rogers in a most unexpected way.

“Steve brings the puppy inside, into the apartment that doesn't quite feel like home no matter how much he's been trying. He isn't used to being alone. Before the war, he always had Bucky, and his mother until her death. During the war, Bucky was there, too—and the rest of the Howlers, of course—but Bucky always meant home. (And well, maybe Steve's already got a name for the puppy in mind)."

- build it bigger than the sun; Teen, 10k

“Yeah, because nothing says heteronormative like living in Dupont Circle for two years and wearing skin-tight shirts to hit on hot airmen when you go running in the morning.”

“Look, I know you’re being sarcastic but I really don’t get how no one picked up on that.”

Steve and Bucky try to work out their relationship. The Avengers keep getting in the way.

- Memories Circle (Like Birds of Prey), Teen, 32k

Everything seems to be going right, Steve's fighting with his Commandos, they've saving lives-- until Steve falls from a train, is taken prisoner, and turned into the Winter Soldier. Meanwhile, Bucky takes up Steve's mantle as Captain America, and thanks to Zola's experiments, he gets dropped into a whole new time, only to cross paths with a Steve who doesn't know who he is anymore.

Essentially, the events of CA:TFA, mild mentioning of Avengers, and CA:TWS but with Steve as the Winter Soldier and Bucky as Captain America

- The Gentleness That Comes; Mature, 9k

Steve Rogers never really views the things he had to do to get by before the War with any sort of shame or embarrassment. People ask him for his opinions on modern issues in interviews, but Steve has gotten good at talking around those types of questions. Fury insists that there's no way to answer them without casting a shadow of controversy across the reputation of the Avengers, and that's the last thing Steve wants.

But then a sex tape is released featuring Tony Stark in bed with another man, and Steve can't stay quiet any longer.

- salt for the sea; Mature, 7.5k

Natasha comes home with intel regarding the fate of the Winter Soldier; Steve leaves to go and avenge Bucky Barnes.

“It's a list of everyone who was involved in his death, and a rough timeline of everything that happened beforehand,” she tells him.

“And the notebook?”

“I explained what they did,” Natasha says, “The blank pages are for you to explain what you do to them.”

- Lone Cat and Samurai; Teen, 8.4k

"We lost Kitten America sir!" Junior Agent blurted out. Then turned an unlovely shade of purple. "I mean, Captain America. Who’s a kitten. Because magic. Sir."

- Waiting To Prove You're Not Alone; Explicit, 41k

Months after he woke up on the banks of the Potomac, when a reporter mistakenly assumes Steve would disapprove of homosexuality being as accepted as it is in the modern day, Steve accidentally snaps and unleashes his real opinion on the matter... and with that, a secret he's hidden for over eighty years.

When that secret comes looking for him in New York, Steve can only hope that he can get a second chance at saving his best friend, even if it means keeping his heart in check.

“Yeah, back in my day it wasn't tolerated, and because of that I knew from the minute I figured it out, that I’d never get to tell my best friend that I loved him, and sure enough, he died without knowing that I’d been in love with him for a decade."

- I'm Not Sick (But I'm Not Well); Mature, 30k

Steve Rogers doesn’t meet Bucky Barnes in the 1930’s. Instead, Steve meets him April 17th, 2012.

Well…sort of meets him.

In actuality, Bucky had almost hit him with his truck.

Or: The fic where millennial Bucky Barnes nearly runs over a freshly thawed national treasure, and what Steve Rogers did to adjust to modern NYC during those two weeks before the events of The Avengers.

- pure as the driven slush; Explicit, 11k

He should have worked it out sooner. But then, Steve always was a sneaky little bastard—had to have been, just to survive this long.

For the SteveBucky Fest prompt, "Steve is quite experienced while Bucky's never gone beyond second base with anyone".

- Let's Be Exposed and Unprotected, Explicit, 5k

Bucky’s pretty sure he should be into getting fucked through the floor while walls explode around him like in that Mr and Mrs Smith movie that Clint loves. But he likes it like this. He likes being on his back with Steve looming above him, big and naked, blocking out the rest of the world.

- Man of Steel; Explicit, 6.7k

It’s like Steve looked at his metal arm and thought ‘Challenge Accepted.’

- 5 Times Steve Got Arrested and 1 Time They All Did; Teen, 4.9k

What it says, 5 times Steve Rogers ended up in jail (with and without Bucky) + 1 time all of the Avengers got arrested with him.

- the best of you; Teen, 16k

Bucky is on a mission when he gets the call.

They tell him that Steve has been compromised.

[The story wherein Hydra captures Steve to create a new weapon. Bucky, alongside the rest of the Avengers, come together and work through the fallout.]

- pull apart the dark; Teen, 79k

Steve's unending faith in his best friend was beginning to look less like hope and more like fantasy. When they'd caught the Soldier – in a fire fight that still gave Sam nightmares – the only thing the man seemed to recall was how to hit exactly where it hurt.

Four months later, Barnes still refused to speak English. Refused to heed anything but Steve's voice.

So, all in all, it was not a great time for Hydra to attack New York. All in all, Sam really wished they'd just killed him, instead of turning Captain America into a baby.

- Not Another Supersoldier Fantasy; Explicit, 8.9k

Bucky finds a popular sex toy modeled on Captain America's own anatomy. Well, isn't this just perfect? Because even after all this time, he still hasn’t seen Steve’s supersoldier cock. But apparently in this day and age anyone with $29.95 can get a decent replica. The unfairness of this is of galactic proportions.

- the blood of the covenant; Teen, 7.5k

Steve has a "thing" for hot water.

Or, Sam Wilson adopts Steve Rogers.

- Mighty like Love, Mighty like Sorrow; Teen, 19k

After freeing himself from the Russians' mind control, Bucky is left at loose ends, drifting through the decades. Still, he's in no hurry to take up Nick Fury's offer to once again fight the good fight -- especially not when Fury has the nerve to put some imposter in his best friend's old suit and send him out to fight against Chitauri.

- Read Me Like a Book; Gen, 1.5k

In which Bucky accidentally becomes a book collector, because when the universe gives you a million biographies about your boyfriend, you go bookcase shopping. And then he finds out about The Grenade Incident, and the boys actually talk about it like actual adults. (Somewhere, Sam sheds a proud tear.)

- the broadest stroke of color; Gen, 16k

Sarah Rogers always loved Steve's hands.

"Your hands will do a lifetime's work," she'd say. "Remember to do the work you can for those you love."

Almost a century later, Steve does just that.

[The story wherein Steve draws comics for Bucky to help him recover his memory. Through a series of events, the issues are leaked, and Steve finds himself reviving the Captain America comics. He still isn't sure how that happened.]

- If You're Loved By Someone (You're Never Rejected); Teen, 9.4k

You’re fifteen when you realize why you stare at Bucky’s lips more than normal when he laughs and when he says your name. You lean into his shoulder when you walk next to him and when you’re sick you don’t fight off his soft hands. You tease him, he teases back and being around him is so easy you forget what it was like to live without him. You can’t remember life pre-Bucky and it scares you.

- Unusual Weather; Explicit, 8.7k

Bucky’s been at the Avengers Tower for three weeks before he finally gives in to Steve’s gentle coaxing and Stark’s cheerful waving of fistfuls of circuits, and lets them scan the arm.

It doesn’t go well.

- this city bleeds its aching heart; Explicit, 35k

The one where Steve and Bucky pose as a happily married couple while on a mission for SHIELD, to catch an international arms dealer hiding in a suburban neighbourhood.

- Good Boy; Explicit, 13k

Bucky is still adjusting to life with the Avengers, and Steve is willing to do whatever it takes to make him feel comfortable. Increasingly, though, what seems to make him comfortable is strangely intimate.

Surprise, Steve! You're a gentle dom and Bucky wants to be your pretty pet!

- Brooklyn; Teen, 8.8k

"Captain America, what's your stance on gay marriage?"

Everyone knows that, by now. Everyone but Bucky.

#told you it was long as shit #fic rec #stucky #mcu #what do people have tagged #fsdjghk whatever

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tomtenadia · 3 years

Text

A Little Braver ch.6

Here we go with chapter 6. I edited but if you see any typos I am sorry I had a long day at work.

During the call they attend in the chapter they mention a substance called ANFO. Click here for more info. I did some research hopefully it makes sense. I am no an expert but I needed something for the scene.

Our two idiots... well, I hope you will be happy (for now) *evil laughter*

I hope you will enjoy the chapter

-------------

Three months later.

Rowan landed back at the airbase in the morning. The carrier had docked on the coast a few hours earlier on and then they had flown back to the base with their jets.

He got off his plane and smelled the air of home. Winter had given way to spring and he could smell flowers and wondered if the kingsflames were in bloom already.

“Damn it feels good to be back.” Shouted Gavriel getting off his jet and stretching his back “I am dying for a very long relaxing bath. And peace, without you idiots annoying me.”

“Oh yeah,” said Fenrys “Not having to hear Connall and Vaughan snore will be so good.” He turned to Rowan and Gavriel “Not everyone has the rank to get their own quarters.”

Rowan pretended not to hear the youngster and started walking around his aircraft to do his post-flight checks. He had enough of their bickering and of Fenrys moaning in general.

“Guys.” He bellowed “Less talking and do your post-flight checks.”

“Someone is grumpy.” Added Fenrys.

Connall slapped him on the back of his neck “don’t anger the man even further. Now shut up and do your job. I am so tired of your voice.”

Rowan silently thanked Connall for putting his twin in place.

Once he was done, Rowan grabbed his duffel bag and went to the changing room and took a shower. He would take a proper one at home, for now he just wanted to remove some dirt from him.

The changing room was busy and he opened his locker with a sigh. He definitely needed peace and quiet and not to be in close quarters for a while.

“I am so looking forward to my month off.” Commented Gavriel “and decent food. I want to sit down for a meal for more than ten minutes.” Then he turned to Rowan “Any plans?”

“Not really.” He shrugged.

“Are you going to see your captain?”

“I don’t know.” He said quickly. He did his best to put her out of his mind during those months away. To ignore those pesky feeling that had been taking root in him even while far away from her. He had hated how he left her and throwing himself into work had been the best way to try and forget. But now he was back and he felt as if he was stuck.

He put his uniform back on and grabbed his stuff “Just stay out of trouble,” he told them before leaving the room.

While walking to his office he pulled his mobile out of the bag, switched it back on and a barrage of notifications hit him and two voicemails awaited him. The first one was from Aelin and she was mad at him. How could he blame her. He had disappeared without a word. How could he even begin to apologise? When he listened to the second and a glimmer of hope appeared in front of him. She wanted to talk. He grabbed his stuff and blitzed out of the airbase. The taxi he had called arrived ten minutes later and once at the station he paid the driver and got off, his duffel bag on his shoulder. An array of emotions passed through him while he moved the first step in the direction of the firehouse, panic being at the top of the list.

He lifted his sunglasses on his head and took in the scene in the distance. Two fire engines were parked in front of the yard. Aelin and the rest of the team were washing them, the day was sunny and mild so the perfect occasion. He chuckled and noticed that she was standing. She was walking normally and he sighed. Rowan found himself staring at her walking around the truck and shouting orders. She was just as stunning as he remembered her. He missed her. He realised in that instant looking at her from far away that somehow, although there was nothing but vitriol between the two, he just missed her. Was his heart actually racing?

Aelin lifted her gaze for one instant and in the distance on the pavement she noticed a tall figure with silver hair. She squeezed the sponge and threw it in the bucket, then stood and marched to him doing all her best to maintain her cool to try and pass as aloof and not minimally interested that he was back. A lie to herself she struggled to believe.

“I am back safely.” He said when she was close enough.

“Well, at least you can do your job well enough to stay alive.” Her tone was hard and unforgiving.

Of course she was still mad at him, what was he expecting?

“Follow me.” She turned around and began walking back inside the station and Rowan knew she was headed for her office. Better have some privacy, he had a feeling he was not going not enjoy the conversation.

“Sit,” she ordered, once inside her office and he complied like a good soldier.

She moved around the desk and plopped on her chair.

“Aelin I—“

“No, you don’t get to go first,” annoyance quite thick in her voice “You left.” She sat up straight “you left me at the hospital and left again three days later for your mission and neither time you bothered to tell me why. You left.” She searched for his gaze and looked at his pine green eyes “Do you have any idea how I felt when I fully woke up and found out you never got back?” She told him unleashing all the anger she had bottled up while he was away “I went to your airbase and I was told by one of the guards that you all had gone for a week already.” She was not shouting but her tone was full of annoyance toward him.

Rowan had thought over and over again how he could apologise to her, but doing so it would mean reveal his secret and he was not sure he could. He should expose his fears and come clean with her, she had lost, just like him, she would understand his struggle.

Eventually he stood and started pacing “I heard what you said in the hospital… about your feelings. And I panicked.” He stopped for a moment “I freaked out because…” he collapsed on the chair, his head in his hands and Aelin knew exactly why but she had to hear him say it.

He had to do it, be a little braver and tell her why he fled, it was his only chance if he even contemplated the idea of being with her or to have any kind of relationship.

“I am scared of getting involved again.” He sighed deeply and Aelin saw pain in his eyes “Over a year and a half ago I lost my wife.” He confessed and Aelin gripped her hands under the table to avoid crying. “She died in a car crash. It was winter and the roads were bad and she just… lost control of the car according to the police.” He looked away for a second “Lyria was also pregnant.” His voice trembled for a moment. “I was away. I was on the other side of the continent when it happened. I left my pregnant wife alone.”

Aelin’s eyes became wet all of a sudden.

“She was going to leave me.” He admitted painfully and Aelin almost gasped at the unexpected ammission “a few days before I left I was looking for something for her in her drawer and saw the papers. She had all the documents ready to file for divorce, my signature was the only thing missing. She had also a letter from her lawyer saying that she would win full custody of our child since, because of my job, I was not fit to look after a child. I would probably win to see my child from time to time.” He stood again “I never told her that I had found out. I left for my mission and she didn’t even come to the airbase with me as she used to do in the past.” He ran his hand through his hair “I loved her. But apparently not enough.” He stopped again as if to gather his thoughts “I got a short compassionate leave and when I got back I just threw myself into work. It kept my mind busy. Since then I haven’t been with anyone.”

“I know.” Aelin whispered and he look at her in a strange way”About the accident, I mean.” She said softly.

“One day I was curious and I looked you up.” She stood and went around the table and sat at the front, facing him. No barriers between them “I read about your wife. Then I read the article about her accident.” She hoped she was not to mess up this one “I recognised our engine in one of the photos from the article.

His gaze widened.

“My team and I attended the accident.” And stared at him but his expression was illegible “It was bad. Only one person survived that night. I had nightmares about it for a week. She… your wife… I think she did not suffer much. I know it’s not much consolation, but from the dynamics it was probably instantaneous.”

Rowan looked at her and she saw tears in his eyes.

“I still have the file.”

“No.” He said calmly “I don’t think I can.”

She took a step to him and took his hand in hers “I know the pain” it was time for her confession. It was only fair.

Rowan looked at her and remembered about the man she had lost.

“His name was Sam. He was a firefighter and a captain at west station. I lost him over a year ago. He attended a call. We could not assist straight away because we were busy on another one. Once we were done we ran in their help. I was too late.” She buried her face in her hands “when I got there they were just carrying his body outside the building.” She looked at him “he did not die a nice death. He suffered and I was not there. I was too late to help him.” She squeezed his hand “I know your pain and your fears because they are the same as mine.” She took another step toward him “losing Sam almost destroyed me. I can’t go through that a second time.”

“How do you get out of the abysm?” He asked tenderly, both with eyes moist.

“One step at a time.” She added and her body was now almost close to his.

Rowan hesitated for an instant then his arm reached out and pulled her closer “Together, then” he whispered, leaning his chin on her head “we can try together.”

“Yeah…” she whispered, her hands against his chest “I am sorry I was mad at you.”

“Shhh… I deserved it.”

She leaned closer and inhaled his scent of pine and snow. He always smelled of home.

“I am sorry I was always so mean to you. I think I was just trying to push you away and keep my distance.”

Aelin smiled and with her fingers brushed his name tag “I think we both did our best to show our unpleasant side.”

She felt him tighten his arms around her “Can we please not? I don’t mean not fighting because I have a feeling that we might get into a few fights from time to time. I mean stop being actually nasty to each other.” He admitted and she felt his thumb tracing circles on her back “whatever this is… I want to give it a go. If you are okay of course,”

She looked up at him and saw a faint smile that reached his eyes. Even with a small smile the man was stunning. She didn’t want to think about with a proper smile.

“Yeah. I want to. I am still terrified, though.”

“That makes two of us.”

“So, where do we start, captain?”

“You owe me two so what about we start with me taking you out for dinner and then we move from there?”

Aelin chuckled “Do you have your mortgage ready?”

He smiled. He gave her an actual real smile and Aelin had to restrain her instinct to slam him against the door and have her way with him.

“The bank apparently does not offer mortgages to pay for meals.” He pulled back a bit to look at her “are you free tomorrow night? I am on my month off so I am totally free.”

Aelin nodded “yes, we will be coming off night shift around 9am. I can go home, sleep and I will see you at night.”

“I still have your address. Can I pick you up at seven?”

“I think I will be alive again by that time.”

“What do we say to our friends if they ask?”

“None of their business.”

He looked down at her “I like it.”

They pulled apart and Aelin went back to sitting on the desk and him on the chair “So your knee is okay again?”

“Yes, physio was a bitch but it’s getting better. The guys, as a joke, gave me kneepads.”

She saw him smile and she realised she would say all sort of stupid things to see that reaction in him. The result left her breathless.

“And you performance review?”

She gave him the biggest grin ever “We crushed it. Absolutely nailed it and I am so proud of my team”

“I had no doubts.” He leaned back on the chair “and I see that you got another engine. That must be great news for you guys.”

She nodded “we got it two weeks ago. It was all thanks to the protest after the embankment fire. Dorian pushed and he got it.” She took a pen and tapped it on her knee “we still don’t have a full team, so at the moment we use it if the situation requires it and we split our team and Aedion leads it. It’s not optimal but the team is coming,” she explained “west is giving us half of their experienced team in their second truck and they are taking half rookies so we’ll both have a truck of mixed crews. Again, not the best but we can’t have an engine with all newbies.”

“That is wonderful.”

“You interview helped as well. The one outside the hospital.”

He looked away for a moment “they made me so mad. Giving all the credit to us when we did very little. I had to.”

“Thank you.”

In that instant the dispatch alarm went off.

“Shit.” She jumped off the table “Don’t go anywhere. There’s a tv, a kitchen. Stay here.”

He nodded and grabbed her hand “Be safe, please.”

She nodded and ran outside.

“There you are. You are the last one here.” Joked Aedion while they were both getting ready.

“She was with her captain.” Added Ansel with a wicked smile.

“Uh, getting nasty in the office?” Added Brullo.

Aelin opened the door and jumped in the engine at her seat “stop behaving like children and jump in the bloody truck right now.”

“Aedion, you lead the second one. ”

Rowan noticed the two engines and the ambulance drive away and once they were away he wandered around the empty space.

He walked around the deserted station and tried to discover more about that interesting team. He walked back the same way as her office and found a corridor that lead to their beds. On a wall there were pictures of the whole team. He stared at Aelin’s picture. She had the most beautiful grin and it was so like her. He smiled at her and traced his step back to the resting area. He sat on the sofa and switched on the tv and on the news he saw a raging fire as breaking news and he guessed that’s where they were going. The headline quoted a fire in an explosive warehouse near a quarry. It looked terrifying.

“Aedion,” said Aelin over the radio “we are going to the warehouse near the quarry. Explosives. This is your kingdom.”

“I saw it. Dispatch confirmed west is coming as well. It must be bad for four engines.”

They arrived at the site five minutes later.

Aelin jumped off the truck “Fuck.” Was her first reaction at the scene in front of them.

In the distance she heard the evacuation sirens for the quarry. West station arrived a moment later.

The fire was raging. Luckily the warehouse was near a quarry and away from inhabited areas, that at least was a start.

She saw a man with a high visibility jacket and ran to him.

“Captain Galathynius.” She introduced herself.

“Captain. I am the manager.” He explained “We evacuated the quarry in time as soon as we heard the first explosion. The warehouse team was loading a new load of explosives to be sent to the quarry. Something must have gone wrong. We lost contact with the team in the north wing where we store the explosives.”

Aedion arrived a moment later “what are we dealing with?”

“Mostly ANFO.” Replied the manager “it was meant to be moved.”

“Do you store any other agent or fuels?”

The manager nodded “but in a separate section. Something must have gone wrong while carrying it away. ANFO must have been in contact with any of the other fuels we use. ANFO is just an oxidiser” the manager explained and Aedion nodded aware of how ANFO worked.

“How many people do you have in the warehouse?’ Asked Aelin trying to assess the situation.

“About 60 and I have 40 accounted for.”

“We’ll get them out.” She said. Grabbed Aedion’s arm and walked away.

“Still twenty people inside. You are the expert. What are the chances I can send the team in and make it out alive?”

“Heat will cause ANFO to detonate. The fire is spreading qui—“

Another savage explosion ravaged the area. The blast so strong that the aftershock was felt quite a distance away. Aedion had pulled Aelin down on the ground and when they lifted their heads they noticed the rest of the team had done the same.

“Thomas,” she shouted while standing up “Connect to the water supply and get the water going and keep the temperature down as much as you can.”

He nodded and spurred his team into action.

“Aedion, you and I are going in.”

The man nodded.

“Luca, Brullo, keep the water going as well. We need to cool down the place as much as possible.” Then she walked to Thomas “Aedion and I are going in. There are still twenty people trapped. We’ll see if we can do something. Call dispatch and order all the units they can send in.”

“You can’t be serious.” The other captain protested “Dorian will not be happy.”

“I am.” she said finishing to don her gear fully “we’ll se you on the flip side. Keep the water coming.”

He stared at her and Aedion ran to the area less affected by the fire. It was a suicide mission and Dorian was not going to be happy.

Back at the station, Rowan was on the edge of his seat. He had felt the explosion, heard it mostly. He kept staring at the screen where he had seen Aelin and Aedion running into the building and his heart raced to the point of pain. There was no way there was anyone alive in that inferno. Why was she risking her life like that?

The four engines were woking hard channeling as much water as possible on the building but from his perspective it seemed like the fire was not yielding at all. He stood and started pacing.

In that moment Lorcan called him “Are you seeing the news about the fire?”

“Yeah.” Rowan replied not removing his eyes from the tv.

“They are there.”

“I know.” Rowan felt sick “Aelin just went in.”

“Are you at home?” The man on the line asked.

“No, at the station.”

“Let me know when they are back.”

Rowan hung up and resumed his pacing.

Dorian arrived on the scene and ran to Thomas as soon as he noticed the captain.

“Where are they?” He asked with panic in his voice.

Thomas inclined his head and indicated the building and Dorian swore savagely.

“How long? I got an update on my way here.”

“Five minutes.” Added the captain directing the water to another area of the building “I have called for more units. Two more are on their way.”

“That is not enough,” raged Dorian grabbing his phone. He walked away calling someone. When he came back he was slightly less furious “Being the chief has its perks. All the units available are coming in. This is not—“ another explosion.

Much stronger than the previous one. A mushroom of yellow fire went up in the sky and the blast rocked the ground all the way to Orynth.

“Chief to Captain. Aelin please come in.” No answer.

“Aelin, damn answer that bloody radio.” He started pacing nervously and a hand ran through his hair “Aedion, come in.”

“Fuck, fuck.”

In that instant the sound of sirens filled the air.

Dorian turned and saw a long line of engines filing down the main track.

He ran to the station captains and started shouting orders. The other engines deployed around the warehouse and started tackling the fire.

Thomas joined Dorian “I am going in. My men are manning the engine and the hoses. I am going to get them out.”

“No you are not.” The tone in Dorian’s word was harsh “I am not having another one of my captains in that building. They should not be inside in the first place.”

“We have still twenty civilians trapped inside.”

“Captain, you and I have done this job for a while. You know better than me that with three such explosions the chances someone inside is still alive are slim. We stop the fire and hope they are safe.”

“Do nothing?” Thomas shouted “How the fuck do you expect me to do nothing?”

“I am the chief, I am ordering.”

Thomas stormed away and resumed his position with the attack lines with the rest of his team.

“Aedion?” Aelin’s voice was faint. She removed the pile of debris from her body and tried to stand “Aedion?” She called again, panic rising. The smoke and fire were making visibility non existent “AEDION.” She shouted.

A moment later she heard a groan and noticed his bulking figure sprawled on the floor. She ran to him and saw he was awake “answer me for fuck’s sake.”

He removed his mask “my oxygen tank is bust.”

She removed hers and passed it to him “use mine, I still have some juice left.”

“We need to get out.”

“We haven’t found anyone.”

“Aelin,” he breathed removing the mask and giving it back to her “we need to get out. Another explosion like the last one and we are roast. And the fumes are bad. We don’t have long.”

“Fine.” She helped him stand. Slowly they tried to navigate their way through the fire and smoke.

The radio crackled static as they took a few steps deeper in the inferno.

“I heard something.” Aelin moved to the sound and Aedion followed. They found a heavy door and opened it slowly. Inside they found the twenty workers still missing.

“Is anyone injured?”

A woman nodded and showed her leg that clearly had a fracture and then pointed at at another man who lay unconscious.

“We’ll get you out of here.” She looked at their scared faces “pull up you clothes and cover mouth and noses” then she crouched down and offered the woman a piggyback. Aedion placed the unconscious man on his shoulder. She started to walk but one of the workers stopped her “This way.” They walked to a door that was locked.

“It’s a secondary route. It will take us to some tunnels underneath.”

Aelin looked at Aedion and the man nodded. It was their only option. They deposited their victims on the ground and with their axes they started knocking down the heavy door. Once through they recovered the people and walked on “stay behind us. Do not walk away form the big man behind me. Hold hands and form a line like at school.”

The civilians nodded and followed. The tunnels were full of smoke. They needed to be quick. The fumes from ANFO were toxic. Her oxygen tank started beeping and she knew she had ran out of juice as well.

“This way,” said the man who seemed to know about the tunnels “these were used in the olden days when we still used dynamite to blast the quarry. They would carry it under here. Apparently it was safer than outside were there were people everywhere. They never had any accident.”

Aelin followed the man with apprehension, everyone had started coughing quite badly.

“How far?”

“Not long. We are almost out. My dad was a worker here in the olden days. He told me everything about the tunnels.”

She heard Aedion cough behind her and she followed next.

Then she felt it. The breeze and a few minutes later the tunnel opened up right in front of the quarry. Everyone collapsed exhausted and took great gulps of air. Aelin looked up and saw the fire was diminishing and gasped when she noticed the crazy amount on fire engines.

“Captain, Thomas,” she croaked, while her chest spasmed in another fit of coughing.

“Chief, captain, where are you?”

Fuck, of course Dorian was there. Lovely, a dressing down from him was all she needed “In front of the quarry, we found some tunnels. We have all civilians with us.” And her coughing resumed savagely.

Dorian walked to the manager “my men saved your trapped civilians. They mentioned some tunnels.”

The manager nodded “follow me,” they reached some SUVs, Dorian jumped in and they started driving. Not long after they stopped in a car park and Dorian in the distance noticed two firefighters uniforms.

“You damn fools,” he shouted when he was in close range “that was definitely one of the most stupid thing you two have ever done.”

Aelin coughed “Glad to see you too, buddy.”

Aedion stood “ two of the civvies are injured, the other ones just need to be checked.”

“Load them in the SUVs,” said the manager “we’ll take you all back to the main area with the EMTs.”

“Civilians first, Aedion and I can wait.” The man helped carry the survivors and sat back beside Aelin waiting for their turn and breathing deeply.

Dorian stood in front of them glaring “The whole fire department in the region has been mobilised for this.” He looked away “how did you two survive the two explosions?”

“We have super power.” She joked but from Dorian’s reaction she realised she had gone too far. The man was pissed.

“I should be mad at both of you and suspend you for being reckless.” He growled “Instead I will just keep on venting my displeasure for a few days more and also thank you for saving the civilians. But I am still displeased with you two. You do your job, you do not play heroes. Do you both read me in this?”

The two nodded silently without adding any comments to avoid angering Dorian even more.

The SUVs came back and both Aelin and Aedion made their way to the vehicles after the chief ordered them to get their arses back to their teams.

When they got back to where their team was cheers erupted.

Thomas passed his hose to a team member and ran to hug Aelin “you idiot. You damn idiot.”

“Such sweet words.” She joked patting the man on the back.

Aedion was dragged away by Lysandra for some checks and now Elide was pulling her jacket “come on, you will smooch later. Now I need to check on you. It’s protocol and you inhaled enough shit for today.”

Rowan noticed the black SUVs bring back some civilians and his worry grew when neither Aelin nor Aedion appeared. The flames were now under control thanks to the effort of all the engines involved.

Then he spotted her, her dirty blonde hair popping out of one of the SUVs that had just come back, and Aedion followed.

He collapsed on the sofa and finally let out the breath he had no idea he had been holding. She looked a mess but she was walking. She was fine. He saw the west captain ran for her and hug her and for a very brief second a pang of jealousy hit him. The he realised it was just a colleague being relieved to see they were alive.

Elide dragged Aelin away to the ambulance and he hoped Lorcan was following the news. Elide was petite but he had a feeling the woman had just as much fire as Aelin.

He relaxed and then he had an idea. He grabbed the phone and rang Gavriel “Hey man, listen I have an idea and I need your help.”

Aelin sat on a gurney in an ambulance, with an oxygen mask attached to her face.

“I am fine,” she complained, trying to remove it, but Elide slapped her hand.

“You are violent.”

“What were you two thinking? You and that idiot cousin of yours? Going inside that hell?” The woman complained checking again her blood pressure and oxygen levels.

“It’s our job.”

“Not when the bloody place is about to blow up. You scared the heck out of everyone.”

“How’s Aedion?”

“Probably getting beaten up by Lys.”

Aelin laughed and more coughing wrecked her body. When she reopened her eyes her entire team was in front of the ambulance “Don’t you two do that ever again. You crazy bastards.” Were the loving words coming from Ansel. Everyone nodded “Dorian had to call all the fire trucks in the area.” Explained Ress.

“I guess you two will soon receive another invite from the mayor.” Joked Nox and Aelin gasped.

Brullo looked at her with a grin “that’s what you get at playing damn heroes. Police has been stopping people coming any closer all night. There is a sea of reporters out there.”

“Don’t you have jobs to do?” Groaned Elide “let the woman recover.”

“I always forget how scary you can be Lochan.” Ren shouted back at her while walking away from them.

“How are you feeling? Can you breath better?”

Aelin nodded.

“Your oxygen levels are back to normal. Does it hurt when you breath?”

“No, I am fine.”

It was much, much later when they did manage to finally get back to the station. Aelin got off the truck and then a wall of muscles slammed into her and enveloped her in a fierce hug. She looked up and noticed a pair of green eyes staring at her. She leaned her head against his chest for a second and the smell of pine and snow hit her. His scent.

“Don’t do that ever again.” He whispered in her ear.

“Where you worried about me, captain?” Then she pulled back noticing her team staring at the two. Fuck, no one knew they had sort of reconciled.

“What is the arsehole doing here?” Shouted Aedion pulling Aelin away from Rowan.

“He was here before the call. I told him to wait for me. That’s why he is here. And his name is not arsehole.” She growled back at her cousin.

Then a few more people came out of the station and they recognised Rowan’s squadron.

“We made food. Gavriel is a great cook. We helped. I just thought that you might all be starving.”

“Damn he is good,” said Ansel looking at Rowan from top to bottom.

Lorcan looked at Elide and the woman smiled at him. He tried to smile back but he was nervous and instead walked back to the station with the rest of the group.

“They need domesticating,” commented Lysandra when she noticed her friend’s dejected expression “Let’s go, I hope the food is as good as last time.”

Rowan and Aelin were the only two left behind “Sorry I hugged you in public.”

She shook her head “It’s fine. It actually felt nice.” Then smiled “I just hope you are now ready for all the comments that are going to rain on us as soon as we get back in there.” She brushed his uniform “I covered you in soot.”

“I don’t care. I have never been more terrified in my life. And I had some hairy experiences in my job.”

“Sorry,” she looked down but she felt his fingers lift her chin.

“You were amazing. Totally insane, but I am in awe.”

He took her shoulder “come on, you need food and we got loads ready.”

Together they walked back and Aelin walked to the sink to wash her face. She wanted a shower but she wanted food more.

“Aedion you could have at least washed your face.” She sat beside Rowan and noticed her cousin’s state.

“I am hungry.”

“Lys, did you kiss him in that state?”

“Hell no,” said the woman taking a bite of her food “I gave him a pat on the back and told him to get his arse in the ambulance.”

“Uh, someone is not getting any tonight.” Chimed Ress and the group laughed.

“Probably more than you, boyo.”growled back Aedion without rising his gaze from his meal.

“Well, someone is definitely getting some,” added Fenrys and nodded to Aelin and Rowan who were just sitting normally eating their food, not even brushing against each other.

Rowan growled at the man and Aelin laughed.

“So what is it with you two?” Asked Elide curious.

Aelin and Rowan’s head popped up from their plates.

“You hugged, he did all of this, are you two dating and pretending to fight so we don’t annoy you?”

“We are just us for now.”explained Aelin “before the fire we talked.”

“We are figuring things out. No labels. No rush. One step at a time.” He grabbed Aelin’s hand under the table and turned to her “we will let things develop.”

“That’s boring.” Comment Aedion, mouth half full.

Aelin snorted out loud “You pined after Lysandra for two years. Two years of driving me crazy because you were head over heels for her but could not make up your mind.”

“Aelin.” Shouted the man.

“Two years?” Asked Lysandra “why you never told me?”

“You know him. He always tries to do the right thing. He kept telling himself that it was not proper since you worked together. I had to read him the regulations and tell him that EMTs are not under our chain of command so he was in the clear. Had it be Ansel, now that would have been an issue since he is her superior.” Explained Aelin who enjoyed the shift of the conversation moving away from her and Rowan.

“You are an idiot.”

She noticed Lorcan throwing glances at Elide and she elbowed Rowan but he had noticed as well.

Elide stared at Lorcan, then blushed savagely and went back to her food “this is amazing,” she said out loud.

“Lorcan made those.” Said Gavriel and Aelin was sure that the man had noticed the exchanges as well.

“So you are a good cook as well?”

Lorcan grunted but Connall elbowed him. A very brave manoeuvre considering that Lorcan was his boss.

“I live on my own. I need to know how to cook.” He managed, never looking at her.

Aelin texted Rowan is he always this bad at flirting?

She could hear Rowan silent laugh this is actually going well for his standards.

Aelin rolled her eyes “who has a house big enough with a garden that we can have a nice barbecue? All of us? Just to get to know each other?” Announced Aelin.

Gavriel raised his hand “I do. I have a big yard and I haven’t used my barbecue since last year.”

“Awesome. What about this Saturday?We are off and you guys are on your month off. So it’s perfect.”

“How do you know about our month off?” Asked Fenrys, staring at Rowan.

“Ro— Captain Whitethorn told me.”

“Oh, of course he did, didn’t he?”

She was going to slap Fenrys.

“Lieutenant, I don’t see why it might be any of your business what the captain and I talk about.” Rowan had put on his captain voice and Fenrys went back to his food.

“The barbecue sounds amazing, spring is in full swing.”

“Good,” said Aelin standing and going to the fridge “I think we all need it after tonight.” Then she brought a bottle of coke to the table “we can’t have wine because we are still on shift.”

“It’s fine,” said Vaughan “we are used to stay dry.” And he pointed at Rowan and Lorcan “their no booze policy is outrageous. We can’t even drink when we are off shift.”

“Blame the twins,” replied Rowan “they are the ones who got drunk, brought two girls on a heavily secure aircraft carrier, got busted and are still on active duty just because Lorcan and I saved their arses.”

“Oh yeah, that was epic.”

“So after that, Rowan and I decided to tighten things and now they can only drink once their mission is over and their arses are back on Terrasen.” Explained Lorcan.

“That’s brutal,” commented Aedion.

The twins had gone silent all of a sudden.

“It must be hard keeping big kids in place,” Elide asked Lorcan and the man attempted a smile at the woman.

“That’s why Rowan is the one who deals with that. He is the babysitter. The perks of rank.”

Rowan gave Lorcan a rude gesture and Aelin burst out laughing.

“You are lucky we are off duty, Whitethorn.”

“Why? Are you going to spank me?”

The group burst into laughter. No one expected the stiff necked captain to come out with such a remark.

“No, because you might like it and it’s gross.”

Aelin was in stitches, her stomach in pain from too much laughing.

“Who is the kinkiest?” Asked Lysandra.

The fire station team pointed at Ansel and the woman stood and bowed happy to be the winner of such a title.

The pilots group pointed at Lorcan and Elide blushed savagely.

“I think he and Essar covered every place of their houses and tried every position known to the human race.” Commented Gavriel.

Elide stared at Aelin in disbelief and Aelin knew the woman’s fears. Elide was the opposite and had no experience and could see why Elide was now panicking.

After their meal, the fire station boys had been put on kitchen duty and were washing dishes and cleaning, while Ansel, Lys, Elide and Aelin were having their meeting in the ambulance.

“I can’t.” Said Elide.

“Why?” Asked Ansel.

“Did you hear Gavriel? Lorcan is basically a sex god and I am the opposite.”

“There is no need to freak out now. All you are doing is staring at each other. When the time comes you just have to talk to him.” Explained Lysandra calmly.

“And tell him what? Sorry Lorcan I do not know what to do with men?”

“Yes,” said Aelin “if he is a decent man he will understand.”

“If he is not, I‘ll deal with him.” Aelin liked Ansel a lot. The woman wan’t always easy to get along with but when it came to them four they had formed their tiny support group and Ansel would back them up at all times. She was loyal and quite an awesome firefighter.

“Yeah but he might want to do things I do not feel comfortable with.”

“Consent, Elide.” Said Ansel sternly “If you say no it’s no. If the bastard pushes, you dump his arse straight away because he is not worth it.”

“Ansel is right,” said Aelin, taking Elide’s hand “If you want to go slow, you tell him. If he says no, well he can fuck off.”

Rowan was helping in the kitchen when he noticed all the women had disappeared “where did they go?” He could not see them anywhere.

“Girls meeting in the ambulance.” Explained Aedion “Aelin, Lys, Elide and Ansel sit in the back of the ambulance and have their girls meetings. Probably to gossip or complain about us.”

“Oh.” Was Rowan’s only comment.

“But I think tonight you and I are in the clear.” He finished washing the dishes “I got a feeling they are talking about Elide and Lorcan.”

“So everyone noticed, eh?”

“They were definitely not being subtle.” Replied Aedion “you tell you CO to go easy on her. He breaks her heart, I break him.” Then he turned to Rowan “same goes to you. You break Aelin’s heart and you are a dead man. She has been through enough.”

Rowan leaned against the counter “I know about Sam.”

Aedion’s mouth fell open.

“She told me.” Rowan admitted quietly while drying some of the dishes “We are taking things slow.” Confessed Rowan. He felt like he could talk easily to the man, although he was positive Aedion was not his biggest fan “I lost my wife over a year and a half ago. I know how Aelin feels.”

“I am sorry, man.”

Rowan brushed him off “Aelin and I are trying. But I don’t want to hurt her anymore.”

“You’d better.”

In that instant the kitchen became populated again and the two stopped talking.

“We gave the guys the tour,” explained Ress, happily “are the girls still in their meeting?”

“Looks like,” said Aedion and patted Rowan on the shoulder “guys I am going for a shower.”

“Go and make yourself pretty for your woman.”

Eventually the women came back as well and Lysandra cheered when she was told Aedion had gone for a shower.

Aelin walked to Lorcan “can I talk to you?”

The man looked at her with a questioning look.

They walked outside in the yard “do you like Elide? Are you interested in her?”

The man looked away clearly not comfortable talking about his feelings.

“Elide likes you, for some obscure reason. She is wonderful and a dear friend of mine. She does not have the same… experience you have. You are free to try and date her if she is okay with it. But you break her heart, you hurt her and I swear you’ll be flying from Terrasen under false identity because Lys, Ansel and I will come after you.” The man was a giant but she was not scared “do you read me on that, sir?”

Lorcan nodded.

“Now you stop playing side glances and go ask her out for a coffee.”

“Are you planning on managing my relationship with her?” He asked annoyed.

“No, but I will be watching you.” And walked away.

With her eyes she followed the man going to talk to Elide and once he was done she saw her friend giving her the thumbs up.

Happy with her job she went to find Rowan and found him sitting hiding beside one of the engines.

“Hey,” she said sitting down beside him “what are you doing down here alone?”

He replied with a heavy sigh “Our two teams together get along a bit too much. I just needed peace and quiet. I landed only this morning. We haven’t slept in a while and jet lag and all. I am a bit wiped.”

“You should go home.”

He leaned his head against the vehicle ‘you should too… after the night you had.”

“Can’t, night shift remember? I will go and take a shower though, and collapse on my bunk. But I am stuck here until tomorrow and hope no more emergencies.”

“It’s not fair though. After that fire you should go home and have someone relieve you.”

“That’s not how it works, captain.” She stood “go home. Sleep, I believe you promised a lady to go out for a meal.”

“Yes, and hopefully this lady will find some time to relax as well.”

Rowan stood as well and stopped in front of her.

“Thank you for the meal. It was awesome.”

“You deserved it.”

She grabbed the tips of his fingers and held them gently “I will see you tonight at seven.”

“Hopefully with less dirt on you.”

She flipped him off and walked away. Rowan chuckled and in the end took his leave as well.

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everythingsinred · 3 years

Text

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Natsume (pt. 4)

We are at the turning point so things are about to get super fun! Pretty much everything we've gone over until now has been exposition and set-up for this arc.

More than ever there's a trigger warning here: we'll be discussing mental illness, depression, child abuse, and a genuine suicide attempt here so it will get quite heavy and dark.

Chapter Thirteen

We are approaching a significant turning point. This arc is heavy with things to analyze and important revelations about Natsume. Pretty much all the stuff I analyzed before now was just extended exposition, to be entirely honest. We were setting things up, establishing Natsume in every way we could and it will all come to a head right here. This is the arc we've been waiting for.

The chapter opens with Natsume, and from the start we can tell that we are in for a treat. We’ve never seen his perspective like this, only little snippets like “I know I used my alice on her”, or remembering Aoi’s hair-clip. Here, we have much more to work with, and we don’t have to do as much guesswork to make conclusions!

He’s having a nightmare, which is also what he calls it, much like the one he had in the anime. He’s running in darkness and there’s too many people’s voices. Being called a murderer, being told to obey or else… and all the while he’s telling them to shut up already. It’s enough to make anybody feel crowded. He just wants relief, to get out of the darkness, for the nightmare to end.

Even when he's all alone, he's bogged down by noise and taunts.

He wonders if he'll ever get real reprieve from the constant hell he's in. All he ever does is run, his life entirely enshrouded by darkness. He wants it to stop, and later we'll see how exactly he'll attempt to do so.

The fact that the arc begins with this scene despite the fact that Natsume does not feature heavily in this chapter or the next is foreshadowing that something must change by the end of it. He's despairing and hopeless now, and these points will all be brought up later as things come to a head, so something must shift by the end of the arc.

We later find out Natsume’s in the hospital, and then inevitably he gets kidnapped by Reo. He spends about two chapters unconscious, so we’ll be moving on to two of the most important chapters for Natsume’s development.

Chapter Fifteen

Natsume wakes up in the warehouse, but the way he wakes up is very interesting. He knows he’s in a strange place, not in a hospital bed. He thinks so much like a soldier or spy here, using his senses to observe his scary new surroundings and clinically filing away information until he opens his eyes and sees his classmates gnawing at each other’s binds. It’s fascinating to see inside his head, to see the dangerous ability training in action, that he doesn’t think like his peers would, or how any ten year old should.

He's intaking information, filing it, analyzing his situation, all before his eyes even open.

He is understandably irritated by the presence of his classmates, considering he’s been kidnapped, drugged, sick, and has to deal with an alice barrier on top of all that. He gets that he’s screwed, and, with Mikan and Sumire in the mix, his chances aren’t looking too great.

If you want to make yourself sad, it’s worth noting that Natsume doesn’t think he’s going to make it out of this situation alive. He’s processing his options and considering the best thing to do going forward, but he’s well aware that there’s also a good chance he might die tonight.

They manage to get into contact with Narumi, who instructs them to stall and keep quiet, also telling Natsume to use his alice. He’s strong enough to overpower the barrier, so it shouldn’t be an issue, but Natsume is sick. In order to get a small flame, he exhausts himself, and is even less of a state to run away than he already was. Their kidnappers realize the kids are awake because of the disturbance in the barrier, so they confront them to try and figure out their alices. Reo wants this information for nefarious purposes, planning on selling them. It’s already been said earlier in the story that alice children are more valuable in the human trafficking trade, so it’s in his best interest to know what exactly he’s selling.

Mikan has nullification, so the voice pheromone doesn’t work on her, but Sumire is affected, and about to reveal her alice when Natsume interferes. He’s exhausted, but he might have more or less already given up on himself. The most he can do now is try and protect his classmates who came to save him, even if it’s all he can do. So Reo does move on to confront him, taunting him by telling him all the plans they have for him. He’s to be assimilated into the organization, joining Z and becoming a child soldier for their ranks.

Reo brings up an excellent point: “What difference does it make if you start working for Z instead? Everyone there hates the academy like you do.” It’s true. Natsume might even prefer it slightly because it’s an anti-alice organization and he is by no means pro-academy (unlike in the anime where he becomes a poster boy for abuse apologism). At the academy, he’s surrounded by abusers and those subservient to the abusers, by bullies and kids who whisper behind his back, accusing him of murder and arson. Maybe at Z he could be around like-minded people (albeit people who are supportive of child trafficking).

But no.

Natsume doesn’t even consider it.

Maybe Reo should consider that Natsume doesn't want to be a child soldier at all, hmm?? Maybe he'd be better off just being a normal kid? Did that occur to him at all or...?

He immediately smacks Reo’s hand away. Even sick, even heavily under the effects of Reo’s alice, even despite being weak and drugged, he still resists. There’s not even a temptation or hesitation. His choice has been made for him.

Interestingly, Reo was also used by the academy. He knows how twisted the school can be, but he’s still confused and surprised by Natsume’s refusal. I’m assuming based on this that perhaps Natsume is a special case. It would be reasonable to assume most of the kids used in the dangerous ability class are threatened and cowed into obedience, their physical and mental safety in jeopardy if they rebel in any way. Natsume is a child, and we’ve seen him run from his own teacher in abject terror. He’s obviously not a fan of putting himself in physical and mental jeopardy. But the way to get to Natsume is not by threatening him; it’s by threatening Ruka, or Aoi, or Youichi, because Natsume doesn’t care about anything as much as he cares about them--not even his own life.

And that’s why Reo is surprised and confused that Natsume would say no to him and choose the academy over Z.

And it’s because Natsume is not actually choosing the academy over Z. He’s choosing Ruka and Aoi over Z, like he chooses them over everything. Natsume knows that resisting Z here is tantamount to suicide, but he’ll choose that, because he’ll choose his loved ones over his own life.

And then something surprising happens: Mikan gets in between Natsume and Reo, protecting Natsume.

This is new; Natsume is used to being the one doing the protecting. He was more than willing to take all Reo’s wrath to distract him from using his pheromones on Mikan and Sumire. He’s being protected now though, a little, but it’s really just a taste of what’s to come. Mikan stepping in is unexpected… and unwise.

Now Reo can conclude that she has the nullification alice. This is bad news in general, but a great opportunity. Reo and his goons are distracted and there’s enough time for Sumire to use her own alice and see where they are and what’s around.

Turns out there’s dynamite and other explosives a couple warehouses away. This instantly gets Natsume’s attention and he’s already formulating a plan.

He tells them to run for it, reassuring them that he can take care of himself. He says he’s only helping because he’d feel guilty otherwise, not because he actually cares much for what happens to them, because it’s their own fault they followed him.

We know this isn’t the truth. Since he woke up, Natsume has been prioritizing the girls over himself.

He can hardly stand up so the idea that he can escape on his own is a little ridiculous... but he knows that too and he's known it from the start.

The escape begins and the girls run for it, with Natsume distracting Reo and his goons by threatening to blow up the dynamite two warehouses away.

This is a genuine suicide attempt. Natsume has no intention to save himself. He considers himself a lost cause. He’s sick, exhausted, in no condition to run. He can stall long enough to let the girls escape, but he’s gonna blow up the dynamite, taking Reo and part of Z down with him. Reo’s kidnapping whim will prove fatal and catastrophic, and the Black Cat will be eliminated.

Chapter Sixteen

This arc turns so much darker.

Yes, Natsume seems to have no choice but to kill himself to protect his classmates and eliminate the Reo threat. The first page of Chapter Sixteen also establishes that this isn’t just Natsume’s own plan. He’s been commanded to commit suicide in this kind of situation by Persona. If he’s ever trapped and can’t escape, he’s to kill himself, so that he can’t be used against the academy. He’s too powerful. The academy would rather this child die than fall into Z’s hands. In fact, if Natsume were to rebel, in any way, even by not killing himself in such a situation, the academy will hurt the people he cares about.

This is a grown ass man telling a child that his life is only important if he can be a tool for the school and as soon as he can't be anymore, he ceases to have value and is better off dead.

I will once again mention that Natsume is ten years old. The academy is not just an abusive institution, it’s also a human rights violator, since child soldiers are prohibited by international law. A child soldier is any child under the age of 18 who is compelled to fight or otherwise service any state or non-state armed group (the academy counts as an armed group because it has a division of child soldiers with magical powers ready to kill and maim on command as well as teachers with magical powers willing to threaten these children into submission). Natsume is a child soldier and the fact that the dangerous ability class was never fully dissolved is an actual human rights violation.

Anyway, this arc is where we see Natsume clearly for the first time. Compared to all the fun and mischief of previous chapters, these chapters are dark and scary. There’s no exciting dodgeball game or howalon-related antics. This is life-or-death, suicide attempts, threats.

This marks the difference between the life the rest of the kids at the academy are living and the life Natsume has been struggling through. How do you live through missions like this, watching your life whittle away, being threatened on a regular basis, and then go back to school and pretend to care about math or about sports or friends? It makes perfect sense that Natsume would feel so isolated from everyone. His experiences are too different.

Of course, this whole thing is about to get a whole lot worse.

Reo asks why Natsume would even bother with this. Is there even a reason? He even gives a pretty good deal: If Natsume backs down, Sumire and Mikan will be spared.

But Natsume doesn’t bite. He’s ready to die, because the academy told him to, because he wants to protect his loved ones, because he wants to help Sumire and Mikan escape, and--most heart-breakingly--because he genuinely wants to die.

Now that Sumire and Mikan are gone, he doesn't have to lie about his plans anymore.

Natsume has been appearing in the last sixteen chapters, showing up to offer a sarcastic quip, set something on fire, and be generally unpleasant. But more than that, we’ve seen glimpses into what appears to be a horrible, miserable life. Natsume hates the academy, only has one friend, goes on life-threatening missions, frequently visits the hospital, despises his own alice, and he never smiles. All his appearances up to this point have been an explanation: this is why Natsume wants to kill himself.

Natsume isn’t just forced into a suicide attempt. There’s a reason he submits so easily to the idea of dying here. He’s ready. He’s been ready for a long time. He might have even been waiting for it; to get it over with because it’s bound to happen sooner or later.

He says he feels like he’s living his life cowering on his knees, like his head is constantly under a pool of shame. “I’m sick of the academy. I’m sick of you all. I’m sick of everything!”

Natsume is going to die in a few moments and he’s okay with it. He’s even happy about it, because there is really nothing worth living for. He doesn’t have a future, or hopes and dreams. This whole time he has been living for Ruka and his family, doing everything he can to keep them safe. Nothing he’s done in the past two years has been for himself. This may be the very first selfish thing he has done in all this time. He’s ready to die.

It’s not like he had something to look forward to anyway.

Natsume is about to die, until the wind is knocked out of him and he’s suddenly on the ground, with Mikan grabbing his shirt and screaming into his face that he’s an idiot. He’s lying on the floor because one of his stupid classmates--the one he hates the most, the stupid girl with the nullification alice and her head so full of rainbows and butterflies and happiness he could barf just thinking about her, the one that walked right into the worst thing that ever happened to him and smiled about it--tackled him and stopped his suicide attempt.

Just one split second changes everything and there's nothing he can do about it.

Yes, the previous chapters leading up to this explained why Natsume wants to die, and how miserable his life is, but they also mark another thing: the only fifteen and a half chapters where Natsume isn’t in love with Mikan.

In this moment, she saves his life. She risks her own safety on a whim to protect him, and she does. She didn’t come all this way for nothing! She’s willing to fight Reo and any henchmen to protect Natsume, who can’t even walk without help. Natsume was not expecting this.

He asks why she even came back, but she makes it clear it wasn’t a choice--they’re partners, after all! It’s her job to look after him.

The next few scenes are Mikan protecting Natsume, and it’s important to point out that nobody has ever done that before. Natsume is always the one doing the sacrificing and protecting, and he’s okay with that. He doesn’t want Ruka to be burdened by his hardships, or for Aoi to be held responsible for something she did under a dangerous fever. He will do the hard thing, will be the caretaker, because that’s who he’s always been.

It might be uncomfortable and strange for him, but Natsume is being taken care of here, led to hiding spots and being protected. When he tries again to convince her to leave him behind, he’s using all the insults he can think of. This is another way of protecting people: hurting them so that he can further distance himself from them and keep them safe.

But Mikan fights back, saying, “Who do you think I came back for?”

Here Natsume finally understands something. The girl he has hated ever since she voluntarily enrolled into the school that uses him as a human weapon is more than a bumbling idiot. Her sickening optimism and determination are the reason he’s still alive now. He gave up on himself, but she refuses to. She’s the kind of person who would risk her own life to save a boy who has caused her nothing but grief, because she can see value in his existence that he can’t.

Natsume's never thought of himself as even having a future before, let alone a happy one.

And she says, “Everyone is waiting for you.” Natsume used to look down on her optimism and rose-colored lenses, because how naive is it to think things will just work themselves out? That the future will be better? That there’s something worth working for, even if you aren’t sure what it is? It’s stupid. Natsume knows better: life sucks and then you die because you get kidnapped and you have to commit suicide or else your loved ones will get hurt. Relying on stupid things like positivity or hope is just a waste of time.

But not this time. This girl is saving him because there’s a bright future awaiting her, but more than that: she sees a bright future for him too. She thinks things will work out for him too, that he has moments to look forward to where he will laugh and cry and live--moments he hasn’t seen yet. There’s still so much life left for him to live, and he’s never thought of it that way.

For the first time in a long time, Natsume is thinking about his own future.

He doesn’t argue when Mikan stands up to protect him, or when she grabs his hand to try and lead him from danger. He trusts her now and even more, he wants to live.

And then Mikan gets overpowered by a goon, who slams her into the wall in order to get to Natsume.

And that pushes Natsume’s berserk button, because now he cares about Mikan, and he goes absolutely unhinged whenever someone he cares about is hurt.

Mikan has become precious to Natsume only a few minutes ago, but he's kinda ride-or-die so it's like going from 0 to 100.

Just a few chapters ago, a middle-schooler grabbed Mikan and threatened to hurt her if Natsume didn’t back down and Natsume just laughed. Now he’s detonating a whole shipyard because somebody shoved her.

Yes, he does set off the dynamite, because he’s no longer thinking rationally and how dare someone hurt Mikan?

We’re not really sure what consequences this had, if he ended up inadvertently hurting himself or Mikan in the process of getting revenge against this man for hurting a girl who he just started having feelings for like five minutes ago, but both of them end up hospitalized.

Conclusion

This whole arc is a fucking MASTERPIECE. We’ve met Natsume before, but that was the old Natsume. That Natsume was miserable and didn’t have anything to look forward to. We’ve just met a new Natsume; a Natsume who has hopes and desires and will do selfish things because of them. His life is still dark and dreary and miserable, but there’s a light coming in now, and he’s content now just to be in the sun for a little bit until his life comes to a complete end, which will still be sooner than later.

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yodawgiherd · 3 years

Text

End of an Era

It was fun while it lasted guys :)

>>>Read on AO3<<<

And one night, without any warning, the last piece of the puzzle came. The dream told her everything, ran over the entirety of her life, and when the old and wrinkled soldier Mikasa closed her eyes for the last time, she woke up with unshed tears brimming in the corners.

Next to her, the devil she decapitated slept peacefully, with no marks or scars under his eyes. She didn’t want to wake him yet, as there was another person Mikasa needed to talk to right now, so getting out of the bed carefully she located her phone.

“M-Mikasa?”, a yawn, “It’s four in the morning, why are you calling me?”

“I’m sorry Armin, I have to ask you something.”, Mikasa whispered, keeping her voice low not to wake Eren, “please…”

“Sure, just…” another yawn, this time even longer, “Give me a second so I can collect my brain from the dreamland.”

Mikasa could hear the phone being put down and then the rustling of bedding on the other side as Armin was most likely stretching and fully waking up. She waited patiently until he picked the device up again, speaking in a much clearer voice.

“Ok, I guess I’m functional now. What’s up?”

“In the book you are writing, does the main pairing gets a happy ending? Do they get together?”

“I… Uh… Is that why you woke me?”

“Armin, please. It’s important to me.”

In truth, the blond had no idea why Mikasa was suddenly so interested in the ending of his story. Sure, she read it during development and said that it was good, but there’s a difference between that and calling at four AM to grill him about the ending she didn’t get to see yet because Armin finished it about a week ago. Then again, her voice was completely serious and while Mikasa did like some fun pranks from time to time, this didn’t sound like one at all. So, following her wish, Armin gave her an honest answer.

“No, they don’t. The girl is forced to kill her love interest to save the world from him, but it's sort of bittersweet because their friends get to live a happy life after.”

There was a gasp on the other side as if he confirmed some of Mikasa’s suspicions.

“Why?”

“Well, people like angst, and giving everyone a happy ending is a bit of a cliché, no? I mean…”

“Why her though, wasn’t she the heroine?”

“Yes, but she can move on in time you know, forget about him and whatnot.”

There was a bit of silence on the other side before Mikasa spoke again, this time in a small and sad voice.

“Could you change it? Please, for me.”

“How?”

“Just make her happy…”

Running a hand through his sleep-tussled hair Armin puffed out air, turning the possibilities in his head. It wouldn’t be that hard to make Mikasa’s wish come true. He had a lot of supernatural going on in his book, monsters, and gods, a simple resurrection wouldn’t break the story. Plus it was rare to hear Mikasa beg like this, she was usually the “cool and stoic” type, and it tugged at Armin’s heart.

Hell, why not.

“All right, I’ll do it somehow.”

“You will?!”

“Yeah, but you’ll owe me one.”

There was happy and relieved laughter on the other side.

“Of course, I’ll do anything Ar, thank you so much!”

With a click, the call ended and Mikasa let out a long breath, rubbing the unshed tears from her eyes. It would seem that Armin wasn’t writing a story, more like remembering it, but unlike the one that happened this one would get a different ending.

Mikasa told Eren everything over breakfast, hugging a warm cup of coffee with both hands. He didn’t say anything while she spoke, just listened, his green eyes taking all of her in, both words and gestures. Only when she finished did he let out a long breath, one that felt like he was holding in for an eternity.

“This is a lot to take in.”, he said, “Especially at once.”

“I know…, you don’t have to believe me but…”

“I believe you. Every word.”

“Just like that?”

A firm nod.

“You believe it, and I see no reason why I should not. Past lives and other-universe memories can exist, it's not like the entire human psyche has been mapped.”

He looked away for a second.

“The Eren you described, he is so different than me, yet so terrifyingly similar in some aspects. I can sit here and say that I would never cause the apocalypse but in his place…? I just can’t know for sure.”

“I guess we are lucky that we don’t have to find out.”, Mikasa offered, “This life is so much better than whatever they went through...”

“For sure.”

“And that’s not all.”

“What do you mean?”

“I… I think I married someone… Jean maybe? Had kids with him too.”

“Oh my god.”, Eren threw an arm over his face dramatically, “Out of all people, why him?”

“I… I don’t know if it was him but….”

“Please Miki, I get that I died, and you wanted to move on, but didn’t your past life have any taste ?”

“Hey! Jean is nice.”

He peeked at her from under his arm.

“Nice huh?”

“Yea, nice. You know what, if you die I’m going to marry him here too.”

The fingers that were till now peacefully resting on her hip curved and dug into her flesh, a dangerous flash in the emerald that stared at her.

“You’re just trying to rile me, is that it?”

She fought the grin, not wanting it to reveal the joke.

“Maybe…”

However, Eren’s grip weakened as his face grew distant, the classic “philosophical” look entering his features.

“Would that be fair to him though? Jean is… okay I guess, and you treating him like an afterthought, a second choice? Not nice.”

Mikasa’s smile faltered when she realized that, and Eren was not even done with his speech.

“Then again, if I’ll be dead then I guess I have no agenda in telling you what to do. Plus I think I’d be happier if you moved on and had a family instead of mourning me forever. You are too young for that.”

These words hit way too close to Mikasa’s dream, and she could feel the sadness rising in the chest again. To battle it, she took hold of Eren’s chin and tugged it down until their lips were touching.

“Hey, not more talk about death, okay?”, she ordered, “I had enough of that while sleeping.”

“Yes ma’am.”

When she kissed him, Mikasa’s sadness melted away again, chased away by Eren’s warmth against her. Maybe her other self had to settle for something else, but not her. She was here and she had the love of her life right in her arms, in her bed, and she couldn’t be happier about it.

Eren mulled the facts over for a time, putting them together in his head. It was a nice day outside, and while he did all the math Mikasa simply watched him with a faint smile on her lips. It was almost noon when he came to her with a new question.

“So let me get this straight – I didn’t achieve anything In the end? My island was still nuked and the monsters…”

“Titans.”, Mikasa corrected him.

“Right, titans. Those are still around? Man, I guess I was turned into a clown at the end.”

She didn’t know how to disagree with any of those points.

“And the point of it all was nothing? That no matter how hard you struggle to save something you hold dear it will end up destroyed anyway?”

“It does sound hopeless when you put it like that.”

He snorted.

“Guess I was a certified clown then – oh well, now you see what zero pussy does to a motherfuc…”

“No, no, oh my god.”, Mikasa interrupted him, “Why do you keep making fun of it, I swear you are such a kid and…”

“W-What?”, Eren had trouble speaking because of the laughter, “It’s true! I died for nothing in your dream, I was a joke.”

“No… It wasn’t like that.”

“Take it as you will, but all my nightmares became reality and…”

Eren tapped the table a few times, most likely trying to wrap his head around it all.

“…you married Jean.”

“Well… yea, that was a bit weird.”

“Was it? I mean, the guy had a crush on you.”

She blinked at him.

“It was just a tiny one if there even was one at all.”

“Oh c’mon Miki,”, Eren’s grin was wide, “You couldn’t be that dense.”

“I-I mean…”

Jean? A crush? It reminded her of that night, not that long ago when she found out that most if not all of her female friends would like to have some sort of intimate experiments with her.

“Doesn’t matter.”, she blurted, “He’s a good friend, and I like him a lot, but not romantically!”

“He will be heartbroken…”

“He will?”

“Nah,”, Eren chuckled, “Jean got over it, he and Hitch are happy together, as far as I know.”

“That’s good, a crush is hardly a good base for a real-life relationship.”

“Then I guess we can be happy that you guys married in a dream only.”

“Indeed.”, she reached over the table to gently touch his face, “Here I have you.”

Eren mirrored her gesture, letting his thumb stroke the scar on Mikasa’s cheek.

“And I have you.”

“Forever.”

“Sadly.”

“What was that?”

“Oh nothing baby…”, a devilish grin, “Yes, forever.”

With her dreams done and finished it was time to return to civilization, to leave the cabin life behind. Eren told her that he got this, very courteously, most likely still worried about her mental state.

“Just take it easy,”, he said, kissing the top of her head, “I’ll pack.”

He did as he said, fighting with the baggage to the best of his ability. Mikasa was left to wander around aimlessly, and for whatever reason her steps took her to the big tree sitting there, overlooking a vast plain of grass. Taking a deep breath of the fresh air she leaned on the tree, but then her eyes caught sight of something that almost made her jump out of her skin.

There was a ghost sitting there, a ghost of her, dressed in a simple skirt and shirt, the scarf still around her neck. The apparition was about the same age Mikasa was, maybe a bit younger, but they looked almost the same. Her hair wasn’t short, it was long and pulled into a ponytail and there was no red highlight decorating it. The ghost looked up, her eyes meeting Mikasa’s, and a faint smile crossed her lips.

It was her perfect copy, down to the scar on the cheek - albeit the ghost’s was even more faded than hers, long years washing over it. She must have gotten her cut as a teenager. And there was also something about the eyes – it would be a lie to say that Mikasa had an easy life, but what she saw in the ghost’s eyes was something different altogether. The sitting girl saw hell and more, and it showed in her face.

“You are me.”, Mikasa finally pushed out.

The ghost looked at her curiously, tilting her head to the side.

“You… you can’t speak, can you?”

The ghost shook her head.

“I wonder why….”

The sitting girl shrugged, not understanding this any more than Mikasa did. She was just about to question her further when something else caught her attention. The ghost wasn’t sitting there on her own, there was something next to her – a tombstone with a very familiar name written on it.

Eren Yeager

Mikasa already had a suspicion, but this confirmed it – the sitting girl was the other Mikasa, the one she had dreams about, her past life. Following her eyes the ghost saw what she was looking at, her smile replaced by a look of deep longing. Gently, she caressed the stone, her eyes shining with tears.

“So the dreams were right, huh? You had to kill him.”

The ghost nodded solemnly.

“You saved the world, everyone, but you had to give the love of your life up.”

The apparition didn’t react, eyes trained at the cold tombstone.

“They say that if you love something, you should let it go.”, she told the ghost, “But I can’t do that….”

Looking over her shoulder at the man she loved so much, Mikasa let the words spill freely.

“I guess I’m selfish but I don’t want to lose this love we have, no matter what kind of symbolism it is. I want to wake up next to him every morning and spend ten minutes getting out of his hands because he holds me so tightly when we sleep. I want to see him yawn and wish him good morning and share a cup of coffee. I want him to be there for me when I come back so we can talk about our days and cuddle on the couch together…”

Her hands intertwined on the abdomen, gently stroking the fabric of her shirt.

“I want to have children with him, family, kids that will combine my and his looks and attitude. Is that selfish? Is that too much to ask? Is that…”

Lost in her speech Mikasa stumbled over the words and fell silent, letting out a short laugh after.

“I’m selfish and I don’t care. I’m never letting go simply because I don’t want to and damn everyone who disagrees with me. I deserve this, I deserve to be loved.”

As soon as those words left Mikasa’s lips she realized how insensitive those were towards her other self, the poor girl who, for all her bravery, for the act of saving the world itself – got nothing.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel bad.”, she apologized to the sitting copy of herself, “I know that you never got to experience any of that with him.”

The ghost’s face fell and she buried her face to the scarf, eyes moving towards the headstone next to her. Seeing the longing written in her features, Mikasa couldn’t help but wonder.

“Did you… did you learn to let him go? Did you come to terms with his death?”

The pain in the girl’s eyes was all the answer Mikasa needed. It resonated within her, the suffering because she could imagine how it would feel. Maybe it was because she experienced it in her past life, maybe it was because of all these strange visions but she could do it and the pain and emptiness were terrible.

“This is not fair,”, she blurted, “You did everything you could, you saved the world and this was your reward? You’ve sacrificed… everything… and….”

She was crying now, Mikasa realized, her tears matching the ghost’s. Falling to her knees next to the girl she tried embracing her only to realize that she can’t touch a figment of her imagination.

“I’m so sorry for how the universe treated you, you deserved more, so, so much more….

More flashes- this time of a child, a faceless husband, grandkids too.

“This, all that… Did it make you happy?”

The ghost girl gave her a small enigmatic smile, and Mikasa realized one thing. It wasn’t for her to know – maybe she was happy with the other family, maybe she wasn’t, that would remain an enigma.

“But still, you kept visiting his grave,”, Mikasa’s eyes moved over to the headstone and the flowers there, “You never let his memory fade.”

A nod from the other girl.

“Still, it wasn’t fair to you. You could have been, no, should have been so much more…”, this time the raven’s eyes moved to where her Eren was, “You deserved to have a happy future with him too.”

“Yet you didn’t, and I did – you got the pain and I have the rewards you fought for. I swear, I will not let it go to waste.”

Standing up, she offered her hand to the ghost.

“Please, come with me, experience all that you bled for, struggled for so much. Let me show you how the love you wanted feels in full bloom.”

But the girl didn’t move, simply looking at her. And that was when Mikasa realized….

“… you don’t have to come with me because you are already here. You are me, I am you, we are the same person.”

It was strange, realizing that this was her- this old, tired soldier, a woman broken by a war Mikasa couldn’t even comprehend. A tragic hero who sacrificed her greatest love for the greater good, being left with nothing but a memory. A girl who was thrust into a cruel world and treated unfairly, no matter how hard she tried to change it, to save those she held dear. Tears in the corners of her eyes, Mikasa clenched her fists.

Not anymore.

Now there was no war, no titans, no apocalypse over their heads. Eren wouldn’t go to commit a global genocide to save his country, only to have it destroyed anyway. She wouldn’t marry another man and have children with him, bring her family to his grave, and plant flowers with pain in her heart. No.

Mikasa wasn’t a soldier anymore – she was an MMA fighter, a professional athlete, a model. Her life wasn’t filled with a constant struggle for survival. It was dreamy- filled with everything she could wish for, whatever it was spending her time with friends, goofing around with Eren, or training her pole dancing. She didn’t care for horses or sharpen her blades.

Eren wasn’t a hopeless maniac, driven to war by the sheer necessity of survival – he was a doctor, a surgeon, helping people in need not killing them.

Most importantly they were together – an engaged couple that loved each other so much that they couldn’t put it into words correctly. No tragedy would befall them.

Keeping her hand outstretched, Mikasa talked to the ghost again.

“We are one, but I am the lucky part of us, of me. I am love, I am the nights and lazy mornings spent in bed, I am all the kisses and hugs. You are my sadness, my sacrifice, my longing and pain, my unfulfilled and tragic fate.”

She stretched her fingers closer to the girl.

“Please, take my hand and experience it all with me, learn that there is beauty in this cruel world.”

Not hesitant anymore, the ghost held her hand towards Mikasa.

When their fingers made contact a chill ran down her spine and she gasped, blinking several times. The girl was gone, so was the grave, only the tree remained and gently swayed in the wind. And in her heart, in her soul, Mikasa felt different – different yet same because now she knew everything and the pain in her heart resonated.

It would always be a part of her, or rather it always was, but Mikasa wasn’t feeling down because of it. Now she knew that she had to feel everything, every touch and happy emotion that she experienced with him because it was what her past died for. If anything the full realization of her suffering made Mikasa appreciate it even more – she was living this life not only now but for the past too.

He was her Eren, she was his Mikasa, and in this world, nothing would tear them apart. And the tears the began to appear in her eyes did nothing to deny that fact.

“Miki? Why are you crying, what’s wrong?”

Refusing to answer Mikasa crossed the distance and hugged him, burying her face into Eren’s chest. Understanding that she didn’t want words now he stroked her back patiently, waiting for her to come back to him.

“Eren, you won’t ever leave me, will you?”

“Never.”

“I mean, I couldn’t do it even if wanted to.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t think I love you anymore, it’s more like fascination, adoration maybe.”

“…Eren…”

“Hell, I’d do anything to stay with you, you want me to bark for you? Cause I will..”

Despite her sad mood, Mikasa felt the smile tugging at the corners of her lips.

“Stop, come on.”

Ignoring that, he pressed his face into her hair, a quiet bark leaving his lips.

“Woof.”, he nuzzled her gently, “There, I did it.”

She giggled at that and Eren smirked, glad that he made her smile because that was his mission in life – making the beautiful angel he was, for some reason blessed by, happy.

It made her reflect on the whole story, now that she had it whole. Eren kept silent while Mikasa was deep in thought, his fingers gently stroking her hipbone in small soothing circles. In her mind, she recalled as much as she could, brought it together and….

Mikasa took a shuddering breath.

“It makes no god damn sense.”

“What doesn’t?”

“The whole story, It… it doesn’t add up at all. You dying for nothing, me moving on so quickly I… The whole world….”

She was pouting now, that adorable expression that made Eren want to kiss it right off of her face, but he held himself back. Mikasa was talking.

“It had such a nice build-up, but in the end, it collapsed completely. I don’t understand why….”

“Well, that is the thing with dreams.”, he mumbled next to her, “They often don’t make much sense once we wake up.”

“But still..”

“Mikiiiiiiiiii…”, unable to resist her cuteness anymore, he pressed a string of soft kisses all over her face, turning that pout into a breathless giggle, “Stop overthinking dreams so much.”

Grabbing her hand he intertwined their fingers, raising it so the sun slid over their skin. It highlighted the contrast between them, how his tanned shade complimented her pale one, just as perfectly as they completed one another in life.

“This. This is important.”, he said, “This is real. You may be a broken titan slayer in your dreams, but here you are… well, still a titan slayer but one that is happy… I think.”

His voice got even deeper when he directed his question right at her.

“Are you happy with me?”

Mikasa was nodding her head before she even realized what was happening.

“Yes. Gods yes, I couldn’t be happier.”

“See?”, the flash of white teeth revealed his grin, “Then focus on that. Here, in this world, I’m not going anywhere, and I’ll stay with you as long as you’ll have me.”

“That might be a very long time Yeager, are you sure that you want to do that to yourself?”

“As if I had a choice.”, his fingers danced over her hip, “You bound me to yourself with black magic, remember?”

“Good to see that you remember that. My Dark Knight.”

The kiss Eren gave her was interlaced with a smile, and it was one of the sweetest Mikasa ever got in her life. He was right, after all, her dreams, past self, it was a tragedy that befell her, but it was so jumbled at the end that she had a hard time taking it seriously. The “ending” of her past didn’t make sense, no matter how much she tried to see the point of it. It all looked like such a tragedy, but in the end…. was it maybe a comedy? A twisted image where all the sacrifice and pain they went through amounted to nothing? Where several characters were made to be worthless, and their struggle amounted to nothing? A parody of a terrible conflict that couldn’t be solved by anything else by an annihilation?

But... why dwell on it?

She had this- this life, this Eren, and this happiness that they built together, and she loved every second of it.

And there was nothing else that the past could show her anymore.

“Let’s get out of here.”

“You sure? Didn’t forget anything?”

Mikasa looked at the tree where the conversation with the ghost took place, smiling. Tightening her hold on Eren’s hand, she felt more content than ever before, finally having an explanation and ending for her nightmares. It all made sense, and she would live her life to the fullest with the love of her life – not only for herself but for the other Mikasa too. She deserved to experience it, every second of it. After all, they were one and the same.

“Yes. I have all I need right here with me.”

#eremika #fanfic #:)

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imaginesupply · 3 years

Text

Homecoming - Chapter Four

(Gif's not my own.)

Summary: The day has arrived, Captain Syverson is going home. For good, this time. He is going home to a civilian life he can hardly remember and a wife he barely knows, with memories of the war still fresh on his mind. Love might not be able to heal everything on its own, but it’s a good start.

Genres: Romance, drama.

Story warnings: Smut (always fully consensual), mentions of PTSD and nightmares and mental health, angst, hurt and comfort, fluff, mentions of war (minor), mentions of cheating (minor), mentions of pregnancy (very minor), police appearance (very minor), violence (very minor).

Notes:

-It’s my first time writing for one of Henry’s characters and I’m unsure I did Sy’s character any justice.

-This is a Capt. Syverson x OFC (Ada) story, written in 3rd person POV but OFC’s physical description is very limited so it could also be read as Capt. Syverson x Reader, I think.

-English is not my first language, so there might be some mistakes. Proofread, but not beta’ed. We die like men and all that.

-Timeline is a little wacky: The movie takes place in 2003 and the U.S. forces were withdrawn from Iraq in 2011, but I never set a precise date because I don’t think it’s essential for this story. However, some elements might not be realistic because if we set this story in 2003: Phone cameras quality was not as good as it’s now, but for the purpose of the chapters, I will need you to imagine you could film great videos with your flip phone haha. Plus, it says Sy is coming back after being deployed for more than three years which makes no sense unless we set this in 2006 or later. I am asking you disregard any time inconsistencies.

-Also: I am not American. I only lived in the US for six months and it was in the Midwest, not Texas so please bear with me if I write something stupid.

-Finally: This will be a Christmas fic and I intend to post the last chapter (there will be seven in total) on or before Christmas. However, religion is never mentioned in this story and the Christmas-sy elements of this story are limited to family gathering, gift giving and tree decorating.

Chapter Four starts after the cut. (Chapter Three can be found here.) Let me know if you wish to be tagged in future chapters or if you wish to be removed from the tag list.

Chapter Four

Chapter warnings: PTSD, angst (or as much angst as I’ll ever write), couple’s fight, outdated expectations of marriage (is that even a warning?), mentions of masturbation.

This chapter is a little different from the previous ones and it’s stitched together weirdly. Also, there’s no smut (which is unusual for me!), but Chapter 5 will be more humorous and lighthearted.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

“When’s your next leave?” Harper asked from behind the wheel, knowing better than to take his eyes off the sand road. He had been transferred to the Special Forces after the whole water pumping station incident, with Sy’s approval.

They were at the very back of the convoy, like always. It was the only way Sy was able to keep all the Humvees in sight and look out for everyone.

“Not sure I’m gonna be seeing home before July.” Sy replied, blue eyes scrunched up as he tried making something, anything out in the darkness surrounding them. Doing this scouting mission at night hadn’t been his idea, but the order had come from higher up and it was when the guards were at their lowest.

Harper smiled, a short huff escaping his chest. “Ah yes! What are you going do once you’re home for good?” The soldier asked, the tiniest hint of teasing in his voice. “Give your wife a small army of Texan babies?”

Sy scoffed, his chest shaking beneath the heavy protective vest. “Eyes on the road, soldier.”

“Yes, captain.” Harper chuckled even as he obeyed the command.

The rest of the drive went by in silence. The whole point of doing it at night was to be unseen and unheard. Confirm it was an armory so that an airstrike could later destroy it. Quick and easy.

Sy absentmindedly rubbed his finger through the thick glove, trying to feel the wedding band beneath. He never took the thing off, but it still somehow eased his mind to make sure it was there – make sure she was there across the ocean. They had talked on the phone the night before and he could still hear her shriek as she stubbed her toe on the doorframe whilst pacing around the house as she spoke to him. She wanted to order new tires for his pickup truck because she was afraid the current ones would be expired once he got back. He told her not to worry about any of that, but she insisted and then asked about Aika, changing subjects. No matter what they talked about, he always slept better after hearing her voice.

The landscape changed ever so slightly. They were there, right outside the deserted town’s walls. Sy gave everyone the order to pull up and get ready. It was only when he stepped out of the Humvee, his feet landing swiftly on the soft sand and the cold night’s air hitting his face, that he realized that Sy had been there already. He was dreaming again.

He had been there hundreds of times, taken the same steps, given the same orders and run away from the same explosion. After having the same nightmare night after night, the shock and the surprise element had lessened, but the dread remained unchanged. Sy was cursed to relive the same scene again and again, for moments even wondering if he lacked imagination so much that his mind was unable to come up with anything else.

Still, every night, he'd try changing the outcome, attempt to take control of his past self and make different decisions: refuse the mission, take a different team, catch Lieutenant Wilkins before he had a chance to run into the trap. It never worked. The result was always the same with him shouting for everyone to retreat and grabbing on to the back of Wilkins' uniform, trying to drag him out of the building, unsuccessfully. Then the telltale detonation followed, the building shook and they were thrown backwards with the explosion. When Sy landed on the concrete, there was a corpse - or what remained of it - on top of him. It was what had shielded him from the worst.

He once tried to warn Wilkins about the child's voice asking for help, to tell him it was a trap and that they needed to ignore it, but he was unable to speak. They were there, on the exact spot, a large room right down the stairs with no windows or lights, only three parted doors. Unlike the first time, the real time, he knew what was about to happen, through what door the grenade would be thrown out of before rolling on the dusty ground. And he went through it all over again.

It was the noise that alerted him the first time, the impact as it hit ground and then the rolling sound on the uneven surface.

"Retreat!" Sy heard his own voice shout loud enough for the rest of the team behind them to hear, then an echo of hurried, heavy footsteps followed.

He knew what happened then. Sy waited for the faint, unidentifiable cry for help and for Wilkins to blindly bolt towards the voice, the grenade. He knew he'd unable to stop him this time just like all the others. What was the point of making him relive the same failure over and over again?

"Help!"

Sy froze on the spot, unlike all the other previous nights. This time it was not a random infantile voice. It was Ada's. She was crying out for help, for him.

This time it was him who dashed after the voice, the grenade exploding before he could reach her.

°°°

Ada thought that they had dodged the bullet, that they had somehow managed to avoid all the stuff she had crammed her head with when she had found out Sy was retiring from active combat sooner than expected. The notes she had taken, the websites she had visited, the therapists she had researched and ranked according to online reviews; she had started to think none of these would come in handy. Apart from that small incident when grocery shopping and the whole thing with Tom, Sy was okay, they were okay. Or so she thought.

It only took maybe eight days of Sy being back home to find out that wasn't true. It was almost like when you took a plane and fly halfway across the globe. The first days you’d eat dinner at 3am and go to bed three hours later and nothing felt real. Then it settled in. But this wasn't a spontaneous holiday or a mid-life crisis, this was an honorable discharge. Sy wasn't leaving behind an unsatisfying career, he was leaving the war.

He came home. They reunited, caught up with each other, basked in other's presence. Ada had to keep reminding herself that she could fall asleep at night without the anxiety of feeling like she was wasting away his leave with something as frivolous as sleep.

Only sleep wasn't frivolous, Ada soon came to realize. Sy slept well the first few nights back home. The exhaustion helped, so did sex. Sy would kiss her, roll over, pull her into his arms and fall right asleep after it.

That changed quickly. On the eight night, she woke up to pee hours before dawn only to find his side of the bed empty. She found him downstairs playing on his new console. It was the jetlag that made him unable to sleep, he said. Ada knew better, even as she acquiesced.

The following night, after making love and taking care of her, Sy didn't even bother pretending he was going to bed. "I won't be able to sleep anyways and I don't want to keep you up," he claimed, putting on a t-shirt and some sweatpants before going out for a run. It was past midnight.

After going two days with barely shutting his eyes, Sy did finally fall asleep in bed with her. Ninety minutes later, he was awake again.

"You okay?" Ada groaned softly, forcing her eyes open but it was too dark to see anything. She had woken up with his tossing and turning.

"Yeah, just go back to sleep," Sy replied dismissively, turning on his side and facing the window away from her.

Ada was about to do just that, believing his words in her incoherent sleepiness, when her hand touched his clammy back. He had managed to sweat through his t-shirt, but his skin remained icy.

"You're not okay," she whispered to herself before switching on her small bedside lamp and sitting up.

"I told you to go back to sleep, Ada," Sy protested, still facing away from her.

She shook her head softly and tried to pull him into her arms, but he was too heavy, and she couldn't move him without his help. "If something's wrong, you can tell me, you know."

She waited in silence for him to answer, to say something, anything at all. She had planned on watching podcasts, meeting with veterans and whatever she could do to help, but Sy had come home several months earlier than planned and she didn't know what to do, what was expected of her as a wife, as his partner, as his support person.

"Alright, you don't have to talk if you don't want to," she attempted quietly, sliding back into bed and moving in behind him, doing her best to be the big spoon for once. "We can just cuddle until you fall asleep."

Apparently, that turned out to be the wrong thing to say. Sy jumped out of bed as if her touch had burnt him. "I'm not a fucking child, Ada. I don't need your cuddles."

She flinched at his tone, taking a deep breath but her voice still came out strangled. "I was not implying you were a child, Sy. I just thought - no - I just hoped that you would find some comfort with me," she admitted but he was already getting dressed, sweaty skin and all. "Clearly I was wrong."

His face was red behind his full beard. He was pissed, she could almost feel him buzzing as he tried to restrain his anger and not - she didn't know what he was keeping himself from doing. Whatever it was, Ada was sure his next words hurt just as much as whatever he was initially going to do.

"I don't need you to fucking comfort me, woman!" He spat out, putting on a pair of boots. "I don't need anyone's help and certainly not my wife's!"

With that, he marched to the bedroom door, forcefully throwing it open. "I'm going out for air. Don't wait up for me."

They barely saw each other the next day. Sy texted that he was going to spend some time with his mom. Still hurt and offended, even though she knew this was not about her, Ada left for the day without telling him her whereabouts.

She took her car and drove to the animal shelter to help out. No one was expecting her there, but they gave her some work to do and it did help her feel better for a couple hours at least. But it was barely noon when she was done and she refused to go home, meeting up with friends instead. None of them asked why she wasn't at home practically glued to Sy. They were used to their friend pretty much vanishing off the face of the Earth whenever Sy came home for two or three weeks, but they were wise enough not to question it.

His words had stung. Ada was aware he had been mad, and that people always said dumb stuff when they were mad, but she did find some truth in his words. Why would he need her comfort? Her help? Or even a wife at all?

Sy had lived thirty-three years without knowing her and then three more married to her but living continents' apart. He could command soldiers, lead missions, plan attacks and whatever it was that he also did back in Iraq. The house was his, his mom would be overjoyed to cook for him and do his laundry again if he didn’t want to do it himself and Ada didn't kid herself - if he wanted sex, all he had to do was walk into a bar.

So, technically speaking, she knew Sy didn't need her. He was a grown ass man who could survive on his own better than ninety-nine percent of the population. What had hurt her was that he didn't want her, nor her help or her comfort. And if he didn't want her to try and make his life a lil' bit better, what was even the point. Ada didn't know and all the cocktails she consumed didn't provide an answer either, but they did end up forcing her to eat almost her own weight in food to soak up all the alcohol before driving back home at ten.

She was still fishing out her keys to open the front door, when Sy pulled it open with so much force, it almost flew off its hinges.

"Where the fuck have you been?!" Sy shouted as soon as she set a foot inside.

"I was out with friends.” Ada took off her shoes by the door. "How's your mom?" She looked up only long enough to find him staring down at her with his thick arms crossed in front of his chest.

"I sent you a dozen texts and called you just as many times, but you never picked up." Oh, his tone had switched to that unsettling calm before the storm.

"I apologize, my phone was on silent," Ada replied. It was true, though she had still noticed his calls and texts. "Look I am tired, and I am going to take a shower." She said before walking upstairs to their bedroom.

To her surprise, Sy followed her up, stopping only at their room’s threshold as if he weren’t allowed inside without her forgiveness. "I am sorry for yesterday," he sighed, leaning against the doorframe.

“It’s okay.” Ada shook her head, undressing rapidly and balling up her dirty clothes to throw them in the hamper. She smelt like a whole bar and she was desperate for a shower.

“I didn’t mean it, what I said,” he added, finally walking inside the room but still keeping his distances.

“It’s okay, don’t worry.” She reassured him, disappearing inside the en-suite. This was just a fight. Couples had them all the time. Sy had even apologized. “I am sorry too. For today.”

His voice startled her, Sy was closer than she had expected. “Do you have need for me?” He asked, making her still as she bent down to fetch some fresh towels from the drawer. Did she have need for him? Ada frowned even though he couldn’t see her face. She heard him sigh again behind her.

"I felt useful back in Baqubah. I ran that city, commanded soldiers, gave my country something and then an explosion happens, two of my men die. And you know what they do? They send me home. Not to punish me for fucking up; they send me home because they thought I had witnessed enough shit and deserved an honorable discharge. Whatever the reason, my services weren't needed there anymore."

"Then I come home to my wife, to you, Ada. And you know what?” He asked before providing the answer himself. “The doors don't screech, the mirror has been replaced and my wife doesn’t even need me to take her out on dates or to the movies because she already has someone for that. So really, what's my goddamn purpose here? The house doesn't need me. You don't need me. Even my mother doesn't need me what with her new boyfriend. So why the fuck did I come back?"

He paused and Ada took it as a chance to stand up and face him. She didn’t know what this was. His voice wasn’t loud, he wasn’t shouting, and his posture didn’t appear hostile. They weren’t arguing, this was something different. “That’s not-” Sy cut her off.

"Then, last night, I realize that while you don't need me, I sure as hell need you, Ada. And that's not how I imagined my marriage would be. I should be the provider. I should be taking care of you, not the other way around."

"This is not the 1950s, Sy," Ada chuckled faintly despite herself.

"That don’t matter. It's how I was raised: preside, provide and protect. I don't care about the presiding part; I knew from day one that I'd never be able to boss you around and I didn't want to. But I still very much believe in providing for and protecting what's mine, and instead, you're the one doing that. So, not only did I fail my men back in Iraq, but now I’ve failed you too."

“No. Stop right there.” Ada interrupted him, more forcefully than intended. "Okay, first, you never failed me. Don’t you ever say that.” Sy huffed from his spot by the door, clearly unconvinced but she was determined to get this out. “Second, I... I think you need to stop settling for being needed and instead accept that you are loved, at least by me."

Sy stiffened against the doorframe, his face taking over an unreadable expression beneath his beard. Shit. Did she mess up again? "Did I say something wrong?"

He didn’t reply right away. Ada took a few steps to him when his words took her by surprise. "You said you loved me."

She stopped in her tracks, opening her mouth and closing it again a few times, stammering. Confusion was evident on her face. "Well, yeah."

"You've never said it before," Sy explained, the hint of a smile on his lips.

Ada frowned, a little unsteady on her feet as she thought back. "Are you certain? I'm pretty sure that is what I ended all our phone calls with."

He shook his head. "I meant in person.”

"Oh, I never realized.”

The cold bathroom tile floor was not the place either of them would have picked out under different circumstances, but it was where Sy finally allowed himself to be cuddled into the warmth of her embrace for the first time, his head resting against her naked breast with her slow heartbeat lulling him into a different kind of peace. “I do love you, Sy.”

Ada was no fool, this wouldn’t soothe all his troubles, but for now, it was a start. And that was all she could ask for.

°°°

Sy sat down on the chair in their study. Most walls were covered with Ada’s textbooks from floor to ceiling. He huffed at the sight. If you’d told him five years ago that he’d end up with an academic wife, he’d have laughed in your face. Now, he tested touched the shelves, watching them wobble slightly and decided he ought to build her something sturdier.

First, he had to take care of some administrative bullshit for the new job he'd be starting at Camp Marbry in January. He had always hated bureaucracy but there was no escaping it. He had learned it the hard way as a private. Maybe it was also time he started going through their utilities folders. Ada had taken over all of it when they got married, managing their bank accounts and paying the bills. Sy hadn't taken of that shit in years but he probably should relieve her of some of those chores.

His eyes wandered over to the neatly organized shelves under the office desk, trying to find the correct binder when his attention landed on what appeared to be a fancy silver notebook. Was that the one Tom had mentioned?

Sy knew he shouldn't go through her stuff, but he was curious and it was not like she had hidden it or anything. Ending his hesitation with a shrug, he picked up the notebook only for stray bits of paper to immediately fly out and land on the carpeted floor. "Shit!"

He bent down and gathered them all up quickly in his hand, lest Ada find out he was snooping and chide him like a soldier. He sat back on the chair and started reading through some of the bits and slips of paper he had caught: "shaving gel not cream!", "dog treats (the fancy ones)", "boxer briefs in L"... They were all dated too. Sy figured they were just old shopping lists until he opened the notebook.

The first part appeared to be a logbook of sorts with notes about each and every one of their calls for the past year. Sy went over some of them, grinning despite himself. He never imagined Ada took notes during their weekly phone calls.

"Sy says it's really cold at night in the desert."

"He seems a little down..."

"Aika has a sweet tooth." Damn, he missed that dog!

“Explosion. Two men dead.”

He skipped over the next few pages, remembering it all too well. After the logbook part, came a set of lists, all dated. "The monthly care packages," Sy realized, reading through them and concluding that this was where the bits of paper had fallen from.

All the care package lists were cross-referenced with the calls logbook. Sy had never understood how she always managed to send him exactly what he needed. He wasn't even aware that he had mentioned most of these small things to her. Most of the time, he didn't even understand how she managed to fit so much stuff into those small USPS boxes. Whenever he tried putting everything back in the cardboard box for safekeeping, half of it didn't fit back inside.

He flipped through a few more care packages before landing on a particularly long list. The date was highlighted, it was the package he had received on the month of his birthday. Ada had made him promise not to open it before the 18th. “You can open the box, but I will know if you open the present before your birthday, Sy,” she had warned him on the phone, trying to sound very stern. “And if you do, I’ll come to Iraq just to whoop your ass.” He had laughed so loudly, Harper had knocked on his door to make sure he was alright.

Sy laughed again as he went over the list, remembering how the private from the deliveries and postal department kept on complaining because packages this big were 'not usually authorized' and that he was getting 'favor treatment' because he was captain and that Ada shouldn't even have been allowed to ship a box exceeding the maximum dimensions. Sy had taken the package from the soldier and asked if he fancied a trip to the infirmary. That had shut him up quickly.

There had been candy (no chocolate because it had melted through its packaging once when she had tried sending him some), gum, the two first James Bond novels, dog treats, a new photo of his niece and nephew, underwear that was way too fancy for him and a handwritten letter from Ada.

What had immediately caught his attention was the very neatly wrapped gift box with a big red bow and a small card that reminded him once more not to open it until his birthday and only when he was alone.

Sy laughed, remembering how giddy he was to open that damn box. They'd gone on a recon mission on his birthday and when they got back, everyone was exhausted and dirty. He had hurried to the showers, cutting off some soldiers and then rushed to his private room to open the gift.

In all his adult life, Sy could only remember blushing three times, two of them the same day. First was when Ada said 'I do’ and he tried sliding the ring on her finger, but nervous and tipsy like he had been, the damn tiny thing slipped off his hand and fell on the carpet. Second was when the limo supposed to bring them back to their hotel was caught up in traffic, and the two of them decided to get it on in the chapel's storage room while another couple was getting married. Not only did they promptly – and accidentally, might he add – knock over all the props, he literally ended up fucking her through the cheap and unstable dry wall. The look on the couple’s face had been priceless!

The third time was on his birthday. Inside the box, he had found a handful of professionally made photos of Ada in lingerie and sometimes not even that much. If that didn't have his mind spinning and his dick throbbing after so many months away, he certainly couldn't believe his eyes when he found a small tube of lube and a transparent fleshlight.

It was not the gift as such that made him blush. The photos had him beyond excited and he was all too eager to try out the fleshlight. No, the embarrassment only settled in afterwards. More specifically when Sy remembered that despite having a private room as a captain, the washrooms where shared and he found himself cleaning the fleshlight in the sink with the little water they had, hoping no one would see him.

"Oh shit!"

Sy jumped in his chair at her voice, he hadn't heard her get home, let alone upstairs.

"Fuck. You weren’t meant to see that, Sy.” Ada babbled, quickly walking up to him with a sheepish look on her face.

Sy smiled, interrupting her as he seized her hips and pulled her down to sit on his lap. "It’s okay, darlin'."

Ada's eyes widened incredulously. "Really? You’re not even mad at me for meeting with a therapist to get advice?"

Sy closed his eyes, nostrils flaring for a moment. Right. Admittedly, he had not yet made it to that part but while he wasn't exactly keen on discussing his private life with strangers, he felt no anger at finding out that Ada had tried to look after him. Her words from last night had somehow made it through his thick skull.

"No, I'm not angry, not even for that. I know you were just trying to-"

Sy opened his eyes again at her silence only to find his wife grinning like the Cheshire cat as she looked at the open page on the notebook.

"You didn't even make it that far, huh?" She chuckled, pointing at the list. "Nope, you were still stuck with that ridiculous birthday gift I gave you!" While her tone was accusatory, Sy could see that she was trying not to burst out laughing.

Rolling his eyes, he pried the notebook from her hands and set it down on the desk. "It was not a ridiculous gift. I kept it all," Sy reassured her, pressing her body closer to his. "Well, not the lube. That was gone in weeks. And the photos are definitely a little used now but-"

Ada kissed him out of the blue, shutting him up. "Sy, I really love you but you're giving me secondhand embarrassment right now."

The bear of a man laughed, holding ever impossibly tighter before kissing her forehead. "I love you too, wife." Then, another thought crossed his mind. “Do you think it’s possible to send a care package to a dog?”

@colourmeinblue @hail-horror-queen @youthought-iwasa-nicegirl @kmuir1 @madbaddic7ed @coffeebreathy @purplelove75 @summersong69 @helenaellie

#henry cavill smut #syverson smut #henry cavill x reader #syverson x reader #henry cavill x ofc #syverson x ofc

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sweater-daddiesdumbdork · 4 years

Text

Welcome To The Pack Not Like I Needed That Bed

Summary- 10k. Alpha!Steve x You. You go to Steve needing him in just about every sense of the word. You Heat fully hits and there is no controlling it. Bucky and Natasha find out more of Pierces doings. Warnings- Okay guys, shouldn't have to tell you, but Smut. Readers in Heat, really what else can you expect from her and the Alpha? Female Receiving Oral. Two Prompts added for @lielullabye Snow's Five Hundred Challenge- 1. “Toto I got a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.” 2. There's only one bed- in a cabin.

A/N- Thank You all for the support in this Fic. It's very near and dear to my heart, and just to see the out pour of love for the wolves (im sorry, this chapter doesn't have much of the actual wolves) really makes me all soft. Anyone that notices similarities with @imanuglywombat's series Hungry Like The Wolf, it is similar. We talked about it. :) You all should go check out Laura's piece, it is amazing! Moodboard made by @omega-nicole. Thanks Babes for the lovely Artwork. Thank you for reading everyone and much love from all the wolves. 🐺❤ Happy Howlings!

Chapter Three / Pack Master list

Steve closed the door behind You when you came in, your heavy soft scent washing over him, reminding him of the day you arrived. The day you sat on his bed, and he could only imagine what had happened from there to set off your arousal. The one that had sent him straight into a ice shower raging hard, fuck you smelled so good. This had a touch of that, and it made his cock stir. He could only hope that his sweatpants he yanked on when you first knocked could hide it for now. Turning towards you, you were seated on a chair in the far corner of the room, much like how you sit on the alpine chair out on the deck, having folded up your legs, peeking at him as if you were upset you were disturbing him.

Steve walked, a bit stiffer then usual, and went to sit on the end corner of the bed, facing You. “Y/N, Little One, why are you afraid? I can smell it.”

You fidgeted, picking at your fingers, and he reached over to capture your hands in his before you could do anymore. Apologetic you looked at him, and wrinkled your nose instead. Your emotions so easily played across your face in the dark, Steve suspected you felt less vulnerable in the night, and for that he was grateful. It gave him a better reading on what was going on in your mind, and he issued a reassuring squeeze of his hands on yours.

I got you Little One, We will keep you safe.

His wolf rumbled in agreement <Always, she's ours.> Steve could just feel him aching to wrap around you, pull you in close to tease that look off your face, feel your body press into his with need, just as he was feeling now. You would be safe in the circle of his arms.

You immediately felt your Wolf and you calm down when he touched you, his grasp bringing you back to him, and you uncurled, letting your legs stretch and tiptoes brush into the rug beneath the chair. Opening up to him, in a way it made you proud to see his features softening cause you trusted him. “Nothing more than nightmares, but sleeping alone, well it's not something I've done often. Just having someone nearby...” your eyes lifted to meet his, really hoping he didn't misunderstand what you were saying. Steve just studied you a moment, and moved to a stand, his hand outstretched.

“Come on, let your Alpha take care of you. You have nothing to fear.” He smiled, although his body raged at him to take you, to throw you down and rut into you, cover your body with loving bites, and fill your womb with him so you belonged to him forever. All these desires he was able to control, for now. When you rewarded him with a soft look of relief, and slid your hand into his, pulling you to a stand, the Wolf in him crooned softly with affection seeing you take his hand willingly, and lead you to the bed. You crawled up on it, of course giving Steve a perfect view of the heart shape of your ass in sleep shorts swaying back and forth, that did nothing to help his current issue. Slamming him with tented pants, and deep rumbles from his Wolf, he slid in right behind you.

“Can I touch you Little One?” Steve did his best to keep his voice normal, calm. Not the raging fire to claim you he felt inside of you. When you looked over your shoulder, and scooted back to press against his chest, body fit against his just as his Wolf knew you were meant to. Soft against the hardness of the Alpha, his hand sliding over your waist to press his palm under your shirt against your stomach, and there was a visible sigh from you. For now that made his Wolf content, the beast settling back down, laying his head on his forepaws, bright yellowed eyes shimmering in the darkness of Steves mind.

You could feel Steve settling behind you, when you gave the invitation for his hand to encircle you, you relaxed, all that tension caused earlier in your room seeped away. Your Little Wolf started grooming to calm herself, long licks along her forepaw, and knowing she was no longer crying in your mind made you breath out in relief. Steve was warm against you, his fingers brushing against you with a gentleness you've never experienced in another. You wondered if he could feel the fire licking along your nerves just below your skin. The way his heavy scent of the pines he ran through, and metal that you associated with your Alpha stirred your core. Of course he can, you could feel him firm behind you, nudges against your lower back, this wasn't easier on him then it was on you, and yet... this is exactly what you craved, sinking in closer and letting yourself to slip away in his hold.

It was the sweetest torture for both You and Steve.

Bleary eyed Bucky woke with a moan, rolling to his side and his hand went to his head to press against the fucking temple where he felt sharp pain. Whoever fucking clocked him, got him good. Cursing under his breath as he sat up and looked around, trying to get a bearing of where he was. Looked like a normal room, in a normal house, one small lamp was on nearby. There was a weight around his neck, and his hand dropped to a collar, it was cold to his fingertips with carvings all around it, it left a burnt singe sensation in his nose When he dipped inside his mind, the White Wolf was subdued, chains interlacing around him, tight around his throat that it bit through this thick fur into the skin, muzzled, and held down, the White Wolf couldn't move an inch.

So they were using fucking magic on these wolves, great. Bucky thought as the White Wolf growled, trying to move, which resulted in the chains just tightening more. “Toto, I’ve got a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.” Bucky snarked as he tried to feel for a clasp on the physical collar around his neck, and it was no use, it was as smooth around as it was heavy on his neck.

“No Soldier your not in Kansas.” A voice said behind Bucky, and a older man came in, smaller in stature then the two that followed him in, but Alpha... or Alpha like, Bucky couldn't see the physical demeanor that Alphas usually had in this man. But his body language said it, and the way the two larger men were sure to stay back behind him, bringing up behind him like a couple body guards. This must be the wolf Nat had to get past in order to be on the pack territory. “But you are on my territorty. I'm the Alpha of these lands, and I want to know why the “famous” White Wolf was scoping us out. I know your not looking to join.” Pierce snarled at these last words as he sat down, pulling a cigar from his pocket. “Especially not after you killed one of my Trackers.”

“Oh the Tracker on OUR territory? I stayed in No Mans territory, he didnt. Not only did he cross our lines, he entered our Alphas house.”

Pierce cut off the tip of his cigar and lit it, looking over at Bucky after a few inhales. “Your Alpha took something that didn't belong to him. I intend to retrieve her, with interest of course. If I find out he bit her, and she took the fucking bite, I’m going to skin her alive.” He waved a hand over his shoulder and stretched out on the wall were skins Bucky didn't notice before. Various colors and species of shifter. The White Wolf tried fighting his binds all over again, his fur bristling down his back, and roars bursting from him in a rage. Buckys’ face changed to one of horror.

“Thats fucking sick man...”

Pierce gave a wicked grin, blowing cigar smoke in Buckys face as he came closer, the chain holding Bucky tightened and wrapped around his torso quickly by the other men, holding him still. “Is it? They are all animals who couldn't listen to the Alpha, and I can't make a profit, they are added to my collection. Your a handsome fellow, all white, I’ve seen pictures of you. You would make a nice addition. Yet... your wanted by Hydra, and since they have been bugging me for an Alpha Male to do ritual magic, I can’t. That pretty Red Wolf though, Natalie I think she had said. She will look good on my wall.”

This Bucky tried fighting back, break the bonds on the collar, it only resulted in him getting several kicks to the ribs and back. Pierce watched with satisfaction, motioning to Bucky who was once again subdued in pain. “Ship him out to Hydra in a few days, make sure you received the payment at the exchange. And bring my fucking collar back. They can put there own on him.” Bucky got hauled up and dragged away, Pierce going over to the desk, and dialing the phone. “Ahhh yes, the new wolf. Get her situated will you please. Put her in a cell till I can speak with her. ” Settling back in his chair, he went over the stuff they found on Bucky. Particularly his phone. Once he got into it, with a little help from stolen Stark Tech, he was able to go through all his messages, the ones of most interest, Alpha Steve fucking Rogers. Oh he was going to kill that fucker for what he's taken. There also seemed to be some interesting ones from a human, Pierce was sure to jot that info down as well with a smirk.

The next morning Steve woke up slowly, breathing in deeply against the back of your neck and a flex of his arm around you pulled you in tighter against him. Fuck this felt good, his mind was groggy and he grinned against your neck, nuzzling the back of it when he felt his erection press tightly against your back side. Clearly he wasn't thinking straight at the intimate wake up, and his Wolf wasn't going to remind him that Steve was dead set on not getting romantically involved. Steve’s hand traveled up to cup one of your breasts, softly squeezing in his palm, the nipple tight to push for an escape between his fingers. Oh Fuck! His mind cleared and he immediately pulled away from your sleeping form, his whole body throbbing now.

Absolutely fucking not. I'm not taking a sleeping woman as a partner.

<You really think she was sleeping? She felt you, and wanted it. Her arousal spiked as soon as you started to touch her.> Yes Steve had noticed, he just chose to ignore it. But it was enough to have him raging hard. <You humans make everything so fucking difficult.> The Wolf started to push for more control now.

Steve was quick to rush into his bathroom, starting the water to the coldest setting, he didn't even bother looking at himself in the mirror, he knew. The Wolf was right there, ready to take over if Steve gave an ounce of control. Turn animalistic and fuck you right into the mattress until satisfied you belonged to them. Shucking his pants off, he got into the shower and gripped his raging cock, abusing himself to hurry up and cum. His jaw tense to stay as quiet as he could to not disturb you, he came once heavily, making his legs shake at the effort. But it wasn't enough and he sunk to his knees, still one handed and fast, his balls tightening and more thick ropes of cum covered his shower wall, tipping his head back into the freezing cold stream of water.

<This isn't going to solve her problem.> The Large Silver Wolf stretched and sat with his tail wrapping around his paws.

What problem?

When did the fucking wolf get so insightful Steve sighed to himself as he grabbed a towel to dry himself off, not sure what he was going to find in his room.

Trying to breathe through his mouth, Steve could taste your arousal heat as well, making his mouth water and a heavy groan rip through his body, feeling just as he done before the shower. Fucking hell... Pushing open the door with a towel wrapped around his lean hips, his eyes widened to find the bed empty.

You stumbled back into the bedroom, early dawn lighting the room with a brilliance of light and you just shaded your eyes, your reasoning at leaving Steves bed was that you overstepped your boundaries when you found yourself all alone. Plus a deep seated lust started, slicking between your thighs, and you simply couldn't control it. None of it, the ache, the need, how wet your cunt was. How sensitive your skin was and you started to pull off the clothes, trying to get away from the way it was teasing your skin, if only if was calloused fingertips and not fucking cotton. Your body was so sensitive, aching, fucking needing that even the brush of clothing against you was maddening. Your tank to was dropped to the floor and your shorts next, your skin shivered, and was covered in Goosebumps as you curled in on yourself. Your slick already coated your thighs from earlier, and you resisted the urge to touch yourself.

Why is it so bad? It's never been like this before.

The Little Wolf whined, her ears flat as she snapped at nothing in aggitation and ache.

<Why do you think? Your in heat with your Mate, it's going to be stronger then usual. Your body is made for him.> The Little Wolf snarled out with a snap of her jaws. <You two are to stubborn and this is what happens. We're all miserable.>

Another wave made you arch, and bite into the pillows your head were resting on, growling out and crying as the lust filled pain that was shockwaves through your body. Withering against the mattress in an attempt to escape what was unescapable. You never heard or noticed Steve stumbling into your doorway, his hair still wet from his shower as he fisted a hand through it, seeing You twisted up in the sheets. “Y/N!” He growled to get your attention, but your face was buried into the pillows, crying into the feathers that muffled your noises. His gaze flowed down your front, and every muscle was taunt, tense, your thighs clasped together in a locked grip, but even he could see, and smell how hot and slick you were.

<Fuck it Steve, we can't leave her like this.> The Wolf snapped, and it finally broke the man, he couldn’t, wouldn't leave you withering like this burning up. Striding over, he let the towel fall from his body, lithe, muscles rippling at the sight of you withering naked on the guest bed, the sight making his cock twitch, starting the throb into a hard erection. His hands grasped your shoulders to straighten you out, leaving you tear streaked looking up at Steve, panting slightly. “Please Steve, it's never been like this before...” Your eyes are flaring yellow at him, and you reached up to grasp his biceps, arching again with a roll as he hovered over you, seeking contact.

Steve had to get you to calm down, grasping the back of your neck, and his voice took a deeper roll, commanding you to snap back to him. “Y/N, Look at your Alpha.” It didn't pass his notice that you never hesitated this time, your eyes snapping to meet his, your fingers bunch into the muscle of his arms. Steve dropped his nose to slide along your face, huffing deeply as he dragged in your scent, and you went still for him to do so, wanting nothing more then to please your Alpha. Up one side, into your hair, the act made you calm right down, just the occassional shudder rolling through now, soft whimpers and tilting your face to run your nose along his neck, inhaling his scent when he was angled just right and flicking your tongue to take a lap of his skin. Pulling back to look down at you, your eyes still had a subdued yellow look, but calmer, not that wild out of control look.

Rumbling softly in praise, he loosened his hold on you, letting your head ease back down to the pillow. “Easy Little One, It will be okay, I got you.” You nod up at him and he lowers his head to lap his tongue over your lips, and slip between them, stroking his tongue against yours enticing you to meet him, lips pressing and sliding along yours until Steve pulled back to look down at you, moving back enough to admire the rest of you. Fuck you really were beautiful, and in your Heat your whole body responded to the smallest things. Wherever his eyes flowed to, your body would arch for him, rolling. An offering all for him, just the cooler air of him moving back from you was making your nipples pebble, tighten to hard peaks,. Mouthfuls Steve wanted to draw in and suck on them, leave his marks on them, only his pups would would suckle from you. He inhaled sharply to get control of himself again, lifting his eyes back to yours.<Why are you stopping?> His Wolf growled and Steve rested his hand against your hip, snapping at his Wolf to have some patience.

“Better?” He asked as you blinked up at him, the yellow ebbing from your eyes and you nodded. Your hands loosened from his biceps, now just resting there. Steves head dropped to lap lightly against your neck, placing softer bites to keep you calmer, reminders that your Alpha was there to take care of you.

<Not just your Alpha Y/N, your Mate.> Your Little Wolf reminded you softly.

That's why it's so much more intense? It's not just because Im with the Packs Alpha?

Your hands smoothed along his shoulders and down his back, and you hummed softly with content rocking your hips back and forth “Its easier.” You whimper and Steve continues down your collarbone and nipping the tops of your breasts, glancing up. “But?” and you do your best to pay attention, but the needing ache bordering on pain started to build again, rolling your body underneath him, tipping your head back and crying out. “I still need you Steve.” And your fingers tightened in his back, digging into the muscles to hold onto him.

Steve let his hand grasp your hips and slip you further underneath, his knee parting your thigh and rub us against your hot wet core, grinding against you till it registered and you started to rub your slick on him, growling so soft with pleasure at the hardness, the way Steves wet mouth pulled a nipple in, pulling, tugging, slight pinches when his rolls your nipple between his teeth about to release, just to suck back in, dragging his tongue over the sensitive spot that left you moaning and withering underneath him. Flushing bites, that would bruise, moved to the other breast, his hand palming and twisting the peak to keep you right up there.

And Oh it felt so good. You arched right into his touches like they were all you needed, and your legs parted further as he made his way down, one hand still covering a breast, kneeding and palming you, Steve lapped his way down your body, he couldn't get enough of your taste, the way you sounded all urgent for him. Using his shoulders to spread your thighs for him, he couldn't help but bury his nose against your cunt and fill all his senses with such a gift. You were so slick with need, an aching need, that the moment his tongue lapped through your cunt, you cried out his name and arched, your hands fisting into his hair to hold on. “Fuck Steve!”

His large hands clasped around your thighs and tilted you up, the Alpha lapping deeply through the folds, growling in a pleasure that you felt rolling through your core, his tongue filled your entrance, and you clenched around him with a urgent need. But that didn't slow him down, every lick, suck and pull, his hands kneeding into your thighs, till he let his fingers get greedily swallowed into your channel, lifting his head to watch you as he fingers pumped you to stretch around him. “Just like that Little One, cum for me, let me clean you up before I fuck you.” Lips teasing your clit, you bucked your hips into his face, the urgent beard scratches for him to gather all he could from your weeping hole on his tongue was enough to make your want to snap. Coming undone, he was sure to wrap his arms around you when your thighs snapped around his head and you arched your upper body, but Steve wasn't letting you go anywhere, blue eyes lifting to see you sink back down, panting with a racing heart. “So beautiful, fuck every inch of you is just perfect.”

Arching to kneel wiping his mouth and chin off best he could, he watched you post orgasm, flushed and heaving chest as you tried to drag in enough air, he fell over you, holding himself up by his hands on either side of your head to kiss you deeply, this time your tongue lapped at him, moaning at the combined tastes of your Alpha and You. When he pulled away, you almost reached to bring him back, but his hands moved on your hips, and he flipped you to your knees, arching your ass into the air. He paused a moment to see pink marks all over your back, breathing in sharply. What the hell happened to you, Little One?

<Are those cuts or bites?> The Wolf alarmed, pacing back and forth with anxiety. Steve pushed him back further in his mind as he turned his attention back to you. You had dipped your back further, and presented yourself to him. Shivering under his hands, and Steve was again struck with how trusting you were of him to take care of you, how fucking breathtaking you were submitting to him. You pulled a pillow in close and went to your elbows. Biting your lip with nerves, and looking over your shoulder at Steve kneeling behind you, rubbing his hands up and down your sides as he kissed down your spine to the base of your lower back. He didn't seem effected by the bites, or notice them.

“Steve?” Your voice was urgent, making him lift his head from where he was lavishing nips to the dimples in your lower back, your ass pressing into his groin, making him want to sink into you, know just how good you would feel tight around his cock as you had been around his tongue and fingers. “Yes Little One?” He rumbled as he lifted his head and leaned forward, kissing on your shoulder, his hand smoothing to settle on your stomach, fingers splayed as if saying 'All Mine'. “You can't bite me, Please... please dont.” His eyes lifted, he had seen all the scars on your back, suspected what they were, but his focus was distracted, your arousal was so enticing, calling him to fill you, love you. “I won't bite you unless we're both ready.” You let your forehead lean against his, and he let his nose nudge against yours before pulling back behind you.

You were stretched before him, just waiting for him, and Steve gripped the base of his cock, letting the thick head slide between your sick folds, watching you tense and relax, he was thick, heavy and throbbing in his hand, he really couldn't remember the last time anyone turned him on this much, and when he started to press into you, your heavy moan slightly muffled in the pillow while your channel clutched around his sliding cock. It was like you were made for him, the way you stretched for him, pressing back to meet him. Hands folding around your hips, fingers digging in as he thrusted his cock in rest of the way to seat deeply inside of your fluttering channel, you twisted your hands into his bedding. “Fuck you feel see good gripping on me Pretty Girl.” He groaned out after a few moments,

With a pull back of his hips, he didn't start anything fast, letting you get accustomed, ready. He shouldn't have though, you were more then ready for him, and you craved that hard pounding fullness. “Harder Steve, Im yours... make me yours.” You pleaded, and Steve hearing you started to move you over his cock, bring you back harder and faster on his thrusting cock. His thighs smacking into your ass, fingers digging into the soft supple skin to the bone, You appreciated every bruising second of it. You cried, sobbed into the pillow, begging for it.

Steve fell over your back, wrapping and arm around your chest and pulling back till you were sitting against his chest, still rolling your hips just as urgently as well as him pounding into you. He dropped laps to your neck, kisses that were harsh and urgent, hand went from palming your breast to grasping around your neck and under your jaw, holding you in place just how he wanted, tilting your head slightly so he could see your face, the drop of the 'O' of your mouth, the way you “Uh yes Steve, uh uh uh” moans that were so fucking needy and perfect, he couldn't help but want to sink his teeth into a growling bite. He settled for pressing his lips against your racing pulse, inhaling against your hot skin smelling of sex and him, growling deeply.

You reached the grab his forearm that was pressing against your chest in his hold, leveraging yourself to pound your aching throbbing cunt harder on his cock, but it was spiraled fast, coils in your stomach threatening to snap and release, you barely registered him growling words in your ear, whatever they were, you just nodded to them, and then snapped a final time down into his lap. Tipping back into his chest, and your head on his shoulder, feeling your body shoot off the best orgasm, it clouded your mind, getting lost into it. Steve kept a tight hold, still pounding out his own following orgasm, that when he did fall over that edge, leaving hot streams of cum filling you, his thrusts trying to bury himself into the womb, you just couldn't anymore, couldn't stay up. You both crashed heavily into the bed.

So heavy, that the box spring underneath collapsed beneath the two of you, sending the mattress busted onto the floor, Steve pinning you between the broken bed and himself, his knot so fucking thick, you thought you were going to split, but you revealed at the feeling of being so full of him. His panting against your neck changed to a warning growl against your ear. “Don’t Move Y/N.” You shook your head, and twisted it to the side, the two of you laying there, Steve pressed open kisses to your neck and shoulder, mummering against the skin. “So fucking good Little One, I promise to clean you up afterwards and take you to bed.”

You chuckled softly, wanting to stretch, reveal in the orgasm, but Steves cock was still buried deep, throbbing. You knew that it made his orgasm longer, the knotting. And when you flexed slightly, he growled again at you, biting the curve between shoulder and neck, holding you still once more. Nothing hard enough to break skin, but enough for him to ride out the sensation and make you behave. Finally it started to go back to normal. With a groan, Steve pulled away and you rolled to your back, finally stretching out. He looked down at you with a chuckle, and leaned down enough to slide arms underneath you and bridal style, picked you up. Your arm locked around his neck for support and looked down at the bed, turning red.

“Uhh, I’m sorry we broke your bed Steve.” You apologized, looking nervously at him. Steve as well looked at the bed, and shrugged his shoulders before turning away, heading to his bedroom. “Dont worry about it, it was useless in that room anyways. Now I have an excuse to get rid of it.” He said as if it was no big deal, which it wasn’t. He only had that room set up per his ex's request. Where one of them would on occasion sleep when it got really bad between them. He always hated having that room there, now You gave him the perfect opportunity to change it. Careful as he lowered you to the bed you had left earlier, he couldn't help but think to himself You look better in here...

<Exactly where she is meant to be.> The Silver Wolf yawned, one of those wide jaw, tongue curling yawns, that showed how content he was.

Already you were getting sleepy on Steve, he could see it. As quickly as he could, he got a warm wet cloth and eased if between your thighs, over the lower part of your stomach, cleaning himself as well, he tossed the cloth and eased onto the bed, stretching out beside you. As you curled in closer, he let his hand rest on your hip, waiting for you to fall asleep. He wanted to get a closer look at those old scars on your back. Steve was rewarded a couple hours later, when you shifted from your back to your stomach. Asleep himself, the Wolf growled to get his attention, making him stir, his arm loped loosely around your hip when the pacing Wolf woke hip up more, finally coming into a closed eye’d and aware.

You were stretched out on your stomach, Steve could hear your soft breathing signaling you were asleep, and he breathed in deeply, the smell of you two and sex a heavy welcome one, settling warmth and satisfaction to rest in his mind. Both him and the Wolf were content having there mate in the bed, no longer aching in need, when the urge came again, he would be ready. Steve moved away from you a bit to sit up, able now to get a proper look that he wasn't completely focused on one thing. His eyes widened and a snap of his teeth were the best he could do to control the rage that rattled through him.

They are fucking bite marks.... all of them. Steve growled sharply in anger and disbelief as his fingers traced over one that was particularly large and deep. The pink skin of the scar slightly raised and shiny. His palm smoothed along your back, his brow pulling together further to wrinkle at all the marks they had inflicted on you. All the times another Wolf tried to subdued and claim you as their own. No wolf willingly let's themselves get bitten that many times, go through the attempted bonding. No wonder you told him not to bite you, even through your Heat, when you would crave it the most. Steve’s eyes roamed down your back and they stopped just in your lower back area. The rage that rolled through him made him stiffen and clench his jaw from saying anything out loud. All of them will pay for this, starting with Pierce. It was hard to reign in his anger, making his throat close and his chest burn at the sight. He wanted blood, for you and who knows how many others had this been done to.

<We will kill him for doing this to her, and all the wolves that left her marked like this.> The Silver Wolf paced back and forth, ready for action, his fur raised along his spine in his anger, muzzle rolled up to show bared fangs just waiting to crush a windpipe, shake his victim till his neck snapped. Any that bit his mate, he wanted to shred them till there was nothing left to piece back together.

When Bucky and Natasha return with the intel, we will certainly be doing something. Council can go fuck themselves, waiting this long to bring Pierce under control.

The Wolf stopped pacing enough to study his mate laying there to make sure you were still at peace. <Will she be able to ever accept our Bite?>

If she doesn't that changes nothing. This is her home, bite or no bite. Besides our scents all over her, no one will doubt who she is with as long as that is what Y/N WANTS. Steve reminded his Wolf firmly.

You never know, things can change when were not all caught up in the moment.

Easier said then done, Steve thought as he let his hand slide along the curve of your side to where your hips flared out, and sure enough light bruises in the shape of his fingers colored your shin. He knew he should be sorry he left them from where he took you from behind, but he wasn’t. He loved seeing his mark on you somewhere, even one that would fade in time. It made the others seem insignificant. they had no true value, memories of a time that you were no longer subjected to. He had a new purpose, to change every scar left into a new memory, one that wouldn’t remind you of Pierce but of him. If you let him, of course.

Steve knew one thing for sure, Pierce wouldn't ever lay a hand on you again. You stirred under his palm, he could feel you draw in a deep breath of air and release under his touch, turning more into him when you realized he was there, moving from the pillows to lay your head on his sheet covered lap, still half asleep. Steve bit back a smile, suspecting you were still out of it, and this was your Little Wolf he was seeing more of. “Y/n, welcome back Little One.” His hand moved from your back to brush back your hair, see your face better. Your eyes were still firmly closed, and you twisted your face into his knee, rubbed the sleep out of your eyes with a groan. Steve still ran his fingers through your hair, and when your eyes spring open, you twist to lay on your back, looking up at him.

“You saw them, didn't you? “ you asked with a bit of hesitation, trying to gauge what he was thinking.

Steve’s head tilted a bit while his fingers were gentle through your hair, and down the back of your neck, giving a gentle brush of fingertips along your neck, as if memorizing the shape of your body. “I did Little One, because of Pierce?” His question was gentle, but it still made your chest tighten, and your Little Wolf crooned softly to comfort your pain.

“They are from all the times he tried to sell me. The seller, would try to initiate the bite, but I just couldn't do it back. At first it was fear, I was pretty young when it started, my first heat at 18, as it went on and he couldn't match me in the pack, that's when he decided to sell me.” You shifted to sit up, reaching for more of the sheet and covering yourself. “It just felt wrong, the others told me to just submit to one, that the bond can be broken later. If my new home didn't work out, I might be able to get away. I thought about it... Just let it happen, and hope it would be better. But I was to much of a coward to take that chance. Better the evil you know and all that.”

Both man and the beast snapped at attention to that, Steve leaned forward and caught your chin in his thumb and forefinger, his eyes seeking to connect to yours when he tipped your face up to look at him. “You are no fucking coward Y/N, what he put you and the others through is enough to end him. This isn't supposed to be a sick deprived thing, this is supposed to be something you carry with you forever.” His forehead leaned against yours, and he inhaled you deeply, drawing in your scent, and your eyes closed in return, doing the same. Once Steve pulled back, he let his hold drop, and was rewarded with a small smile. It was enough to make his Wolf howl in the small victory.

“How about breakfast out on the deck, and we can go say goodbye to Tony and Pepper before they head out?” Steve suggested, wanting to end this on a good note, and when he held his hand out in a offering, you seemed to study him and then his open hand, when you unfolded yourself, and placed your hand in his, once more showing a bit of trust and allowing your Alpha to take care of you.

Pepper packed the overnight bag they used while Tony paced back and forth on the phone. The clipped tone of his voice, and his fast paced stride as he would his way around the cabin Steve offered them, showed his agitation, it made Pepper herself start to get a bit aggravated. She understood The Council, but they set her mate off more then she was okay with. “Steve has a couple of his wolves already assessing the situation. Well what did you expect, he had a victim of Pierces right on his doorstep, Not to mention they came on his territory and into his own home. You can't expect him to just 'sit back and wait.” Pepper zipped the bag and brought it by the door, moving over to Tony and she cut him off from his pacing, her hands sliding up his chest and around the back of his neck. His eyes flickered to her even though he continued speaking. “Yea, I hear you, fine. If that's what you think is best... Oh, uh huh... I'm up in the middle of--” He clicked the phone off and Pepper took it off him, tossing it aside.

“Line went dead, real shitty reception up here.” Tony smirked and Pepper laughed, backing him up to the bed, and making him sit for a moment, her fingers brushing through his hair. “I take it Ross isn't at all happy with what you've told him?” she looked down at him, taking in the bit of stress lines furrowed in his brow. He sighed and wrapped his arms around her hips and shook his head. “No, He doesn’t want Rogers taking off after that pack on his own, no “rogue packs" being viglantes. Unfortunately this will also speed up those Accords the Council has been pushing for.” Pepper dropped her head to kiss his forehead and pulled away, bringing him to a stand. “Your doing your best trying to keep the peace Tony, no one can ask for more.” Tony quirked a smile at his mate, and grabbed there bag, looking around the room. “Ya know, Rogers doesn't have a bad set up here.”

“Mmhhh, and especially now that he has a mate, he's going to root right down.” Pepper added, knowing that Steve’s pack was one they were worried about once the Accords were dropped by the council. Tonys grinned at Peppers words, drawing her in close. “You really think that woman is his partner?” Pepper nodded and went to open the door, holding Tonys hand. “Didnt you see them last night, even when they weren't together, couldn't stop staring at one another, plus his scent is all over her. It's just a matter of time before it happens.”

Tony snorted as they headed towards the car to ditch the bag before going to say goodbye. “I don't know how I feel about you sniffing other wolves.” He tossed the bag in the back and raised his hand in greeting to Steve and You. Pepper slid up against his side, nipping his neck and whispering “You smell much better, does that make it okay?” He didn't have time to answer when Steve and You came up on them, it didn't pass Tony or Peppers notice that you two hovered close to one another, not quite touching, but close. Plus it was hard to miss your Heat, although it wasn't a arousing scent for either of them, just feminine, and soft.

“Rogers, as always a pleasure. Thank you for the lovely accommodations, I was telling Pepper that we should get a similar set up. Maybe on the other side of your lake here.” Tony took a glance over his sunglasses at the lake as if assessing it, and Steve probably turned three shades of white at the idea. “Actually that's Pack Land Tony, I was sure to put it right in the middle of our territory when I expanded.” Pepper rolled her eyes and patted Steves arm. “Kidding Steve, he's only kidding. You know you couldn't get Tony to leave New York.”

“Well maybe if you wanted to live the Malibu life I would Pep. Y/N, dear, Im glad your safe here, and of course if you happen to need anything from us, don't hesitate to call.” Tony wrapped You up in a surprise hug that elicited a growl from Steve and a squeak from you.

<Whats he doing touching our Mate?> The Wolf snapped at the air, ready to go after Tony.

Stop, he's just messing with us. She's fine, see. You embraced him back once you weren't shocked anymore and nodded, thanking him for the offer.

Pepper grabbed Tonys arm and dragged him to the car before he actually set Steve off, an apologetic look over her shoulder. “Steve, your order, will be in next week. Till next time.” She shoved Tony in the car, and Steve instinctly moved closer to you, and you to him, the two of you waving the couple away. Finally after a few moments, you simply remark. “Well they were nice... “ Steve snorts and gives a sideways glance. “Tonys a pain, Pepper is a saint for putting up with him.” Pulling out his phone, he took a look at the time. “I got to get up to the crew, we've already taken a day off.” You frown a bit, and look down. The only reason they missed a day was because the Trackers broke into Steves cabin. Because of you.

Steve caught sight of your frown, the way you pulled back, and immediately slid his fingers along your jawline, tilting your face back up, shaking his head. “Wasnt your fault Little One, I normally shut down the day after our run.” The relief that flooded your eyes made Steve soften, and he couldn't help but place a soft innocent kiss on your lips, rewarded with a flush of pink. His wolf was smug watching the tender moment between you two, but real life called Steve away when his phone started ringing with Sams name flashing. Yes, we gotta get up to the Lot.

<Or stay with our Little One, she is in heat after all.> The Wolf offered a suggestion, both animal and man inhaling your scent, commiting it to memory. His eyes roamed over yours, and your thighs started to clench under his gaze, and teeth would pull at your lower lip. Your arousal once more heavy in the air between you two, and Steve knew that he couldn't leave you alone today, not like this. Maybe it was selfish reasons, as he felt his cock start to harden, but in good concupiscence he couldn't leave you in pain, not when he could help you. “Or... I can stay ?”

When Steve extended his hand, it was hard denying that the fire coursing through your body that was laced with need made it hard not to just throw yourself at the Alpha. He already sated you once, made the urge into a full background ache for at least a little while. But now slick was pooling your cunt, the feeling of clothing was making you on edge, wanting to get them off your skin. You didn't need the clinging cotton all over you. You needed skin to skin burning into you. If you took his hand, would you ever be able to look back, take it all back.

Your Little Wolf nudged you to slide your hand into his. <take it Y/N, He needs you as much as you need him.>

He can have any mate he desires, not one as damaged as me. You stated bitterly to your wolf, and she snarled at you. He knows now Ive been used, and not suitable for the Bite.

Your eyes roamed over Steve momentiarly, and you couldn't see where he needed you, and your Little Wolf, calmed once more, nudges you again. <You can't always see it, the way he held you last night was just as much for him.>

All this happening in the seconds Steve held his hand to yours, and you stepped forward, to let your slip into his, and stepping in closer to him. Your face tilted up to his, and this time it wasn't in sadness, but need and trust. “Thank You Alpha.” Together you two made your way back to his cabin, and this time when he stretched you out on his bed, the only one left now in the cabin, both of you void of clothing, he couldn't help but admire you properly this time, his hands sliding along your sides to trace your curves, kisses flowing up and down your body worshipping till you were wriggling under him with soft pleas, when Steve would surge himself to fill you, there was a collective sigh between you two feeling him stretch you open and tighten around him, rocking together with deep demanding kisses and you tipping back when he told you to, coming completely undone.

Other times it was rough and dominating fucking. Your hands pinned over your head in his own, hard demanding thrusts claiming not just your cunt, but your whole body, pounding it into the soft cotton sheets and feather pillows on the mattress, clashing teeth biting at each other's lips, and tongues, his hand in your hair to rip your head back, Steves licking a long claiming lap up the column to your ear, grunting in it. “Give it to me Little One.” He said in the dying twilight, leaving him in shadows above you, this blue eyes as always demanding your attention, doing the best you could to listen. It was hard when you felt yourself floating in a space that was all pleasure and relief, your fingers curling around his palm keeping you pinned to the mattress, nodding that you would, you would try. You wanted to listen to him, you and your wolf craved to give him what he wanted. But by this point you were so tired, you just wanted to curl into him and sleep, free now of the ache, he sated it, made it shrink away into a distant morning memory. You tipped your head into the pillows, screaming his name while he continued powerful demanding thrusts, your cunt locking around and the last thrust had him swelling inside of you, brimming you with his seed,making you whimper out in relief, and cutching to his chest.

Careful Steve maneuvered both of you so you were straddled against his hips, rubbing your face into his shoulder and he told dragging breaths to ride out the Knotting, keeping you full of him. Your fingers dig slightly into his biceps as you rub your face into his neck, moaning out softly. “Fuck Im so tired.” Your yawning against his skin, and Steve rubs your back, kissing your temple. “Go to sleep Little One, I will be right here for you.” Rumbling softly from his chest, The Wolf settling to stand guard over your sleeping body. Steve can feel you sinking away after he tells you to, your breathing soft against his neck, and the Alpha waits till his own body cooperates, the knot easing down till he was soft again and able to ease you to lay on the bed, your lashes fluttering up for half a second before you shifted to your side, twisting till your back was pressed to him.

Knowing you would be out for a few hours at least till your urges took over once more Steve slid a sheet up to pool around your hips in case you caught chill, and moved to the edge of the bed, picking up his pants to dig out his cell phone from his pocket. Being preoccupied for the day with his mate, he hadn't been able to check on Bucky and Natasha. When he saw no messages from them, his brow furrowed. Glancing over his shoulder to check that you were still sound asleep, he slipped on boxer shorts, and stepped out onto the deck from the door in the bedroom leading to the deck, leaving the door open to let the room fill with the fresh lake air.

I won't be, I know she's got another day or two like this. Remember not to get to attactched... Steve tried gently reminding the Wolf, and the Wolf just snorted in disbelief at this point.

Still frowning as he pulled up texts, he didn't want to risk blowing Buckys cover should he be scouting Pierces lands by making his phone ring with a call.

~Any updates Buck? Haven't heard anything from either you or N all day.~ Hitting send, he set his phone down on the railing, and leaning on his elbows, he looked out over the lake, watching the stars and moon shimmer over the surface. No longer full, it wasn't as bright as usual, but Steve still felt the pull to it. It was hard to believe the run had just been a few nights ago, seeing your sleek form weaving through the trees, yellow eyes reflecting at him playfully in the moonlight. Even after spending a day together in bed exploring all the ways he could make you come undone, Steve missed feeling your warmth press into him.

Turning around, he could see the pale of your bare back in his dark bed, the moonlight lighting up enough to be able to study the curve of your hip just peeking out from under the sheet. Recalling how well you fit in his palms, you crying his name with those sweet pleases, wanting to cum again. The memory made him smile.

Steves breath caught, but fertility was hard among shifters. For some reason, having kids took a long time for mated pairs, so he wasn't to worried, having never gotten pregnant with Alanna, and it wasn't like they didn't try.

I don’t know what you think is going on, but we're not a mated pair. The likelihood I've gotten her pregnant yet is slim.

You heard her... I probably would have if she hadn't specifically asked us not to. Begged us not to . And you saw her back. It's understandable she wouldn't want that, maybe not ever.

That idea made Steves heart ache a little, although he didn't have a strong bond with Alanna, it was still something Steve appreciated, giving there wolves a connection all just for them. Until he severed it, cut Alanna loose from his Wolf. His Wolf recalling the female he once shared his life with, started shaking out his fur to dispel the discomfort she brought up in him, even with the bond, the Alpha Wolf and Alanna’s Wolf fought more then were ever companions, always snapping at each other, rarely sharing affectionate moments in the bond. When they got to physically run together, it wasn't a smooth team, pulling one another up short on accident, the dance wolves did was never smooth with them two. They could never sync up... Unlike him and You on the beach.

No, looking back on it, Steve knew bonding with Alanna was a mistake. Already this little bit he shared with You was different. Before he could get lost further in his thoughts, his phone buzzed with a message from Bucky. ~Alpha, N is with the pack now, and I'm waiting till I can extract her and bring her home.~ Steve read the message, but one part seemed odd, Bucky calling him Alpha. Never in there lives had Bucky called him that. Nicknames or Steve, but never Alpha.

~Alpha? what the hells gotten into you. Stay safe brother.~ Hitting send his brow deepened in an unsettled way when he heard you stirring behind him, holding your hands over your breasts when you came up next to Steve, nudging his shoulder lightly with your nose. “You okay Alpha?” Now hearing you say Alpha stirred him in the right ways, and his face smoothed, cocking a smile at you. “Nothing to worry about Little One, but what are you doing awake?”

“I couldn't sleep, not really. I had an urge... “

“An urge, for what Little One?” Steve questioned although he suspected he knew what she needed from him.

Dropping your sheet to pool around your feet when you went to tiptoes, kissing his cheek and catching Steve by surprise when you grinned up at him. “A swim in the moonlight.” And just as quick as you were standing before him, you werent. Even in your human form you were quick, moving down the stairs to reach the end of the dock. Steve pushed his worries about Bucky out, and followed behind, catching up once you slowed down, and dipped your foot in the water, Steve wrapped his arms around you from behind, and with a loud squeal from you, both tumbled into the water, breaking the pristine still top playing while chasing each other around, swimming further out.

Nothing but the night sky to witness you two catching each other, legs tangling together, arms around each other as you both pressed your lips together in a kiss.

Natasha paced the room, having been stuck in with other wolves for well over a day she was guessing. Once they brought her into the center of there lands, Pierce immediately rounded on her, and they forced her to shift back with threat of an injection. It could wipe out her Wolf if she was given to strong of a dose, immediately recognizing the solution filling the vial.

“Well welcome to my pack.” Pierce had snarled out slightly, going up in the naked woman's face, lewedly sniffing her neck. “Thought you were being slick huh, come infiltrate into our pack. We already got your companion, the White Wolf.” Natashas heart sank knowing they had Bucky, but she gave no inclination of it physically. She didn't have all that training for nothing.

“I don't know what your talking about Sir.”

“Sir, I like that. But Im afraid you do, see I can smell him all over you. Same scent, your packs scent. Your Alphas scent. Although it's not as strong on you. I do like a little defiant bitch. Might just keep you for now. To bad Alpha Steve used you as bait, lost himself a good female.” Pierces hands circled Natashas throat and dragged her to his eye level, searching them for defiance. Natashas wolf was raging to attack him, to get his hands off her, but Natasha kept docile, calm, waiting.

Let them underestimate me. It will be there biggest mistake.

Her Wolf listened, her muscles flexing under her red fur, muzzle rolled just enough to show bared fangs. As soon as Natasha released her, she would rip out anyone's throat.

“Put her with the others, they will give her something to wear.” Pierce finally decided, and that was that. They dragged Natasha, still compliant to a holding area, and shoved her in. The woman immediately growling at the amount of people in the room, lounging around, waiting for something to happen. A few approached her as Natasha searched for a way out with a scan of her eyes. Windows were up high, higher then any of them could jump in either form, and steel wire bared being able to get through, the only door a steel one behind her. Sighing within’ herself, she turned her attention back to the few people coming to greet her, holding out a tank top and shorts.

“Welcome to the Sales Floor.” One girl smiled as she handed over the clothing, Natasha grabbing it, the tank just a touch to small and the shorts a bit to big.

“The what?” She asked and waved a hand over her outfit. “Thanks by the way, Im Natalie.” Giving a fake name just as easily as if she gave her actual name.

“Sales Floor, were all for sale for the right buyer.” The girl held out her hand and Natasha shook it while trying to make a count of people in the room. She had been filled in on your situation a bit before leaving by Steve, and well this just confirmed all that they knew about You. The door clicked behind her, and two oversized men entered, growling at anyone close till everyone scrambled to get out of there way. One wasn't fast enough and the man's hand shot out to clasp around her neck, and the other checked her face, nodding. Without a word, they clasped a collar around her neck, and she immediately complied once it was on, falling to her knees and waiting. Two others were captured the same way, inspected and collared, then all 3 were led out of the room.

“And what was that?!” Natasha asked, the girl, dread sinking into her gut.

“They will be presented to some Alphas for sale. They will inspect them, and if they chose to purchase them, they will issue the bite to claim them. Of course if the bite doesn't work, they can return us. Also Im Kat.” She beckoned Natasha to follow her. “There’s not much to see of The Sales Floor, but let me show you around.”

Natasha felt sickened by all this, seeing all this. We're leaving as soon as possible with as many of them as well can, and find Bucky to.

<The sooner the better> The Red Wolf still coiled and ready, ears flattened and her green eyes shifting back and forth in mistrust at the others. There were at least a good twenty wolves crammed into a small space, danger laced the air with a sour taste.

Natasha followed Kat, learning more and more to bring back to Steve. That was the first night, by the second night, the night Steve and You enjoyed your swim, Natasha had a rough plan in place, just waiting for the right opportunity.

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