astro-rain - Tumblr blog

astro-rain · 9 months

Text

delicate; b.barnes

delicate masterlist

chapter twenty-eight - “remnants of the past”

word count: 2.3k

synopsis: remnants of the reader’s past both hurt her and help her, but it opens a new door for her and bucky.

pairings: fem!reader x bucky barnes

It was quiet in her apartment, the kind of middle-of-the-night quiet that makes the air feel pleasant and calm because you can feel that the rest of the world is asleep.

Light from the city shown softly on the floor in front of the window. But it didn't make it to the couch, providing the comfort of darkness to the two sleeping there.

They had fallen asleep while talking — somehow having moved past the thing with the vodka and then the thing with her head. She would've stayed there taking all night if sleep hadn't taken them both.

Bucky fell asleep sitting up, his head leaned back and resting on the cushion behind him. She had been sitting to the side of him but on the other end of the couch. However, once both of their eyes were droopy and their voices slowed, she ended up leaning forward and laying down, with her head just a couple inches from Bucky's outer thigh.

In his sleep, (or maybe not) his hand ended up resting on her head, right past her forehead. And perhaps he woke up once or twice and allowed himself, ever so gently, to stroke the hair that lay under his palm.

But he did then fall back asleep. He wasn't aware of when she started to stir in her sleep. He didn't notice when her face began to distort into pain, anger, sadness, or some mix of the three. He didn't see her breathing pick up or her skin become clammy.

He did, however, wake the hell up when he heard the guttural gasp accompanied by the mini convulsion of the couch cushion. He turned to the sight beside him. Even though she was sitting up and facing away from him, he could see the turbulent movements of her chest that by her ragged breathing provoked.

Immediately he was scared. Not of her, of course, but for her. He's seen her upset before, but never anything like this. Never anything... like he used to do. But he needed to be calm. He needed to be solid. Just as she used to be for him.

He called out her name, making sure his voice didn't waver.

Her shoulders tensed up, startled. Her head whipped towards him. She jerked back but her erratic movements caused her to slip off the couch. Knees and shins struck the hardwood.

In a flash, Bucky stood up, but then crouched down once he saw the look on her face.

"Don't! Don't-"

"I'm sorry!" he put his hands up in front of him. Then hushed his voice. "I'm sorry. You're safe. It's safe, I swear on my life."

She looked at him with wide eyes and tear stained cheeks. He felt awful, and he wondered how she felt when she took care of him after night terrors.

"I have nothing to do with this," her voice shook, weak.

"Honey, please," he implored. "Look around. Look where you are. This is your home.”

Her eyes dared to move to the side. Then the other side. She held her arm to her chest, rubbing her wrists like they were sore, but there were no marks or bruises or anything.

"You had a nightmare," he said in the gentlest tone he could, "and you're not in any danger."

No response.

"We fell asleep on the couch," he inched closer. "That's why you didn't wake up in your room. But you're safe."

He held out his hand. "I'd never in a million years hurt you or let anything else hurt you."

She remained still but the tears kept coming. She was just staring at him, heaving and trying not to rock back and fourth.

He retracted his hand, his offer not accepted. He let it rest on the floor.

"The floor is cold. Feel it?"

It took a second but then - wordlessly, she brought her arm down and let her hand sit on the floor, mirroring his.

"It's because the heat from your skin goes into it and flows through it That's the coolness you're feeling."

He wasn't sure if that was right but he continued all the same.

"There's a reason behind everything," Bucky said. "Even what you're feeling right now."

"Your somethin'... nervous system is..." he tried his best to recall, "...really riled up because you had a nightmare. You're afraid, and your body is overreacting to that fear when it shouldn't be. That's why you're... breathin' heavy and really stressed right now."

"Sympathetic," she mumbled.

"What?"

"Sympathetic nervous system."

He smiled. "Yes! Yeah, your body is trying to fight for your life even though you're just sitting here with me. But that's the thing. You're just sittin' here. You're not in any danger. Promise. It's called the... fright... response or something."

"Fight or flight."

"Right," he smiled once more.

She stared down at the floor, at her hand, and her gaze softened. He finally let himself exhale. She seemed to be calming down.

Then she looked up to meet his gaze. He was hopeful, but let down.

As soon as her line of sight was on his face, focused, her eyes grew wide. She looked so confused but still so scared.

"I've seen you before," her voice was laced with alarm.

He froze. What do I do?

"I..." her expression distorted as the realization dawned upon her. "I know you."

She stood suddenly and took a step back.

He stood up as well. He must remain calm. "You do."

She looked bewildered. He couldn't help but feel guilty even though he knew it wasn't his fault.

"It's okay," he tried. "You're right, you do know me. So you must know that I pose no threat to you?"

She stared at him, then looked down, thinking to herself for a moment.

"Yes..."

Her eyes switched back up to him, breath still heavy, but shoulders less tense.

"I know you're confused," he stepped forward. She didn't move. "I know there's a lot that you don't know or don't remember. So, what do you remember?"

She tried to start a sentence but it dissipated into a sigh, like she couldn't find the words.

Slowly, she walked over to him. She held her arms out, palms facing up and parallel to the floor, signaling him to extend his own.

He held his hands over hers, but didn't make contact, afraid of frightening her.

Lightly, she grabbed onto his forearms and squeezed. Her hands then slid down to his hands and pinched the material of the gloves. He stood still, letting her pull the gloves off. Both of them. They dropped onto the floor with a felt plop. The two of them just stared down at this hands, one flesh, one metal. It was quiet for a moment. He didn't dare make a move. He didn't dare say a word.

She felt validated, like something was confirmed to her. Of what, she didn't know. However, she felt like all the strong feelings - the trust, the speed of her likeness of him - made sense. Like he was the right person for it. The person this affinity was supposed to go to. The person who her fondness belonged to. She didn't know where or why she knew him, but she knew he fit into the space her mind didn't seem to know how to fill. He was it.

She closed her eyes and wrapped her arms around him, letting her head rest on his chest. Quickly, he reciprocated, but remined quiet. It felt right. It felt good. It felt... missed.

Cautiously he brought his hand up to hold the back of her head. She only hugged him tighter.

"Bucky," she said into the air, more so declaring it to be true than asking a question.

Everything else still evaded her memory but that collection of letters in that order is him. That much she knew to be true.

"Yeah?" he said, half-confirming and half answering.

"You're it."

"I'm what?"

"My... person. Aren't you?"

His breath faltered. "Yes."

"I missed you. I don't know why, but... that's what I'm feeling."

"I missed you, too." So much. He still wasn't sure how much of her he had back.

"Did something happen to me?"

She wasn't of the answer, but she was sure she trusted whatever he was going to say.

"Yes. But I don't know exactly what it was."

"Me neither."

There was so much uncertainty, but not for him.

"I'm not sure, but I think someone may have hurt you," he said tentatively.

"Yeah..."

"Your nightmares... they seem really intense. Like flashbacks. I used to have the same thing... I sometimes still do."

Something about what he said struck a nerve deep in her brain, but it was so dulled she couldn't make out what it meant. It felt sort of like worry, like a need to protect. Then it left.

"I was... strapped down... or something. In this last one."

He felt sick thinking about that happening to her. But the thing her wrists earlier -- that explained it.

"Before, you said that you 'had nothing to do with this.' Do you know what that means?"

"I'm not sure exactly, it's not as clear in my head once I wake up. But... It was like I was being... hurt or something- like punished? I don't know. But... I wasn't the one who was supposed to... be hurt. If that makes sense."

A hundred different possibilities crossed his mind, many of which made him feel guilty (again).

"Do you think that was something that actually happened to you? At some point in the past."

"I'm really not sure. It felt real, though. Like I was... really in trouble."

He hated picturing what might have happened, but he couldn't stop his mind from going to the worst possibilities. Whatever did happen, he prayed that it wasn't painful. Although he supposed even if it wasn't painful then, it's painful now. For both of them.

"What do we- What do I do?" She stuttered a bit.

"How do you mean?"

"If theres all this stuff I dont remember. What do I do? Like, how do I get it back? Should I even want to get it back? What if there's trauma I'm better off without?"

"Well, I can't speak for the last five years. But, I know a good amount of things that happened before, and I think there's a lot that you would wanna remember."

A beat passes.

"How long had I known you?"

"I met you in 2016, and we knew each other for about a year and a half."

Confusion again. "I don't remember meeting you."

"I know. It's alright."

Personally, it was seared into his mind; he figured he remembered it well enough for the both of them. He reckoned he could describe it to her if she wanted him to.

"So I'm just missing a year and a half of my life and was foggy for some part of the last five years..."

He looked at her somberly. "It seems so. I'm really sorry."

She sighed. "Fuck."

He shared the sentiment.

"You know, a while ago, my memory was pretty scattered - a lot worse than yours - and the rest of my mind, too. But I was able to recover. You... actually, are the one who helped me put it all back together. You helped me with a lot of things."

She looked at him, in awe.

"I did?"

"You did. You were probably the best thing that could've happened to me."

Her expression softened. She was surprised, and almost honored, that she meant so much to someone. That someone thought so highly of her.

"Really?"

"Definitely. So maybe I might be able to help you put some of it back together. I know I'm not as smart as you, but I think I can help some. A-and I can do some of the things you did for me to help me remember."

Her brows raised just slightly, hope briefly flickering across her eyes.

"You helped me find my way back to myself, so... I guess it's only fair that I help you find your way back to yourself."

Her eyes began to well up. How could someone care so much about her? Five years of being mostly alone — it takes a toll on you.

"You'd be willing to— stick with me? To help me?"

"I couldn't not."

"You seem really sure?"

"I am," he said like it was the most basic truth. Since it was. "I don't know if you remember it or if you might feel it, but I love you. And it's unconditional. I love you and I lost you once, so I don't care if things are different now. You may not remember all of me but I know all of you. I want to stay. If you'll allow me."

"Bucky..." she said fondly. "Even when you first came here? When you were at my door?"

"Yes."

"We have this whole history and you just stay. Even though my part of the history is gone..."

"It's you," he shrugged. "You're it for me. You'll always be it. You're everything."

His words made her want to burst into tears and scream. In a good way. But also in a way that felt like something was trying to push through her chest. To make itself seen. She wanted to burst at the seams and let every secret, unknown feeling crawl out of her.

Maybe she understood what he said. Working on it. Finding her way back to herself. Maybe she could feel something within her that she wanted to discover, wanted to uncover. She found him, but thought maybe she could find her way back to him. Like she once had but didn't remember.

She stepped forward and yanked him into her arms.

"I want you to stay. I want you."

delicate taglist: @bakugouswh0r3 @thefridgeismybestie @strivingforelegance @ilovespideyyy @xpurpleglitter @bluelakeee @eclipsedplanet @paradisedixon @crazy-beautiful @coffee--writes @lilithknight1111 @softladyhours @alwayssandy @those-sea-green-eyes @hero-ically @devilswaldorf @cc13723things @small-death-and-codeine-scene @cataves @thatbitchsposts @talktomeaboutthestars @headheartbellarke @bubbly-moonwarrior @bluemoon-icecream @buckeyecreates @augustbucky @itsthemaree @undiadeestos @seybox @amb-reads @boiled-onionrings

if you want to be added to the tag list lmk!

35 notes · View notes

astro-rain · 1 year

Text

hey guys! if you wouldn’t mind filling out this survey i made i would superrrr appreciate it and love you forever. it’s only 4 questions and it’s about what you prefer reading in fanfics bc i wanna write the most of what the most people like! and it’s totally anonymous! thank you so much<3333

link here

6 notes · View notes

astro-rain · 1 year

Text

new chap of delicate HERE !!!!

3 notes · View notes

astro-rain · 1 year

Text

delicate; b.barnes

delicate masterlist

chapter twenty-seven - “lucky guess”

word count: 3.2k

synopsis: vodka brings about some changes and some pain. do feelings transcend memories?

pairings: bucky barnes x fem!reader

Keep reading

23 notes · View notes

astro-rain · 1 year

Text

new chap of delicate HERE !!!!

3 notes · View notes

astro-rain · 1 year

Text

delicate; b.barnes

delicate masterlist

chapter twenty-seven - “lucky guess”

word count: 3.2k

synopsis: vodka brings about some changes and some pain. do feelings transcend memories?

pairings: bucky barnes x fem!reader

She startled herself awake, clammy chest and limbs sticking to her comforter. Her whole body was damp. Her chest, heaving. Jesus Christ. Her heart felt like it was just below her skin, rather than guarded behind a cage of bone.

To her dismay, the nightmares have been flaring up recently. Sometimes she didn't remember them, and just woke up scared or upset. But other times she did remember — parts at least.

Something happened high up in the government... the president or someone, she couldn't recall. The government and all order had collapsed and everything fell into chaos. In the dream, she was running through the street - towards something or away from something, she wasn't sure. Maybe both. But then the street wasn't the street, and it was a sort of open grass land. What she remembered most was the fear. And the toll on her body; her lungs burned in the dream.

She sat up and wiped the leftover tears from her face. God, waking up from these were so taxing, both on her body and her mind. With these nightmares, her body was having a fight or flight response of an animal being hunted while laying completely still. It was like waking up from a panic attack in her sleep. Or waking up from an emotional intensity equivalent to a breakdown. She's woken up from immense sadness, and occasionally anger. But mostly fear.

She also didn't talk to anyone about it - anyone professional, that is. Yes, she was a professional. Yes, she knew exactly what she would say to a patient experiencing the same things as her. However, she had become increasingly isolated during the past few years. And everything in her head was so much. It was a lot, and it felt safer inside her head. It felt like it was secure, like the cap on a bottle was screwed on and all the carbonation inside wasn't going to explode, bubble out, and make a mess.

She knew it was ironic, but that didn't change her lack of action on the matter.

A bit after waking up and calming herself down from the nightmare, she noticed an ache in the back of her head that was growing stronger. The head pain had been at a minimum lately. She wondered why it might be returning. She didn't have any injury, and she had been sleeping fine. She slept in pretty late, but it was only last night she was up late... talking to James. James. His image in her head provoked a smile in spite of her unpleasant awakening.

She thought he might actually be the most attractive person she had ever seen. Everything about him was... perfect - his face, his body... She remembered on the "date" that wasn't actually a date, she couldn't look at him for too long without worrying that her face was going to heat up.

In addition to that was this weird wanting she had. When she woke up, she wanted to talk to him about the nightmare; wanted to confide in him. Obviously, she thought it odd considering she only recently met him. But, that didn't make it go away.

She had kind of settled into aloneness and a lack of relationship with anyone. She was lonely and she didn't try to pretend that she wasn't. She thought she had gotten used to it, accepted it, but... damn. She might reconsider.

—

Bucky woke up feeling quite rested. Until his brain turned on and he had a single thought. Falling asleep to her voice made him realize how much he missed it. And it was cosmically wrong that he didn't wake up with her.

He was so frustrated. It was supposed to be okay now! She had to leave Wakanda and it was horrible. Then he had to fight against Thanos and it was horrible. Then he disappeared.

Even though he knew it was years for her while it was only a second for him, the years had passed. He was back now. They could be together and not have to worry about the other stuff. He really thought the hard part was over. Technically they're together now but... it's like 'the other stuff' never even happened. Like their history didn't exist.

He laid in his bed, sulking. They were back in each others lives now, but under conditions he never even considered. He knew she didn't remember him, but the rest of her was still there. It is right to love her even though she doesn't love him? Would it be wrong to try to get her to fall in love with him again? Lots of things crossed his mind.

He felt like he waited so long to finally see her again but she's waited five years. He couldn't even imagine it. Five years without her. Alone. The thought made him miss her. Would it be weird if he showed up at her apartment again?

Would it be weird if he sat her down and explained every detail of them that she didn't remember. Would it be weird if he grabbed her hands and pleaded: It's me, it's Bucky. Don't you remember? Please remember. He just wanted her back so bad. It was almost tormenting - the way she was right in front of him but still somehow not. It was she was on the other side of a glass door; she was there but he couldn't get to her.

This, of course, was coupled with insecurity and worry. Sure, she loved him once, but does that mean she could love him again? If she didn't, would that just confirm all the bad things he thought of himself? What if he actually wasn't capable of being loved? What if this time around, she was scared of the Winter Soldier. The thought of her being afraid of him almost gave him chest pain.

He was also dying to, but also terrified of, finding out what happened to her during the blip. Five years is a long time, and a lot could have happened. He didn't know if he wanted to find out who or what stole her mind from her. He didn't know if he could handle finding out that the same things that happened to him - happened to her too.

He stressed himself out and there was only person he wanted to talk to, one person he sought comfort in. He told himself that he was going to give her space for a couple days so she didn't think he was overbearing.

—

"Hello?"

"Hey."

He exhaled at the sound of her voice. My girl.

"Haven't heard from you in a couple days. How are you?" he asked.

"I'm alright... Um, I was feeling a bit lonely, though. Would you wanna meet up later?"

I wanna spend the rest of my life with you and then some, he thought but didn't say.

"Yeah, of course! I'd love to," he actually said.

She could hear the smile in his voice and it made her smile.

"Oh, great. You can come over here and we could get dinner - like, takeout or something - and just relax or watch something. Nothing crazy. I think I have some wine, too."

Sounds a little like a date but he was not going to question it.

"Yeah, that sounds amazing. Yeah. I'll be there."

"Okay," she grinned. "I'll see you later."

And so later came.

She was a mix of nervous and excited. She hadn't had anyone in her house for a while, but he wasn't just anyone.

The knock on the door startled her, as it wasn't accustomed to guests waiting to be let in. She scurried over and opened it.

Immediately his face lit up. "Hey!"

"Hi," she smiled. Jesus Christ, he looked so good. Like, so good. "Thanks for picking up the food by the way."

"Yeah, yeah. Of course. You look..." he glanced down and back up to get the whole picture, "really great."

With a bashful grin, she looked away.

"I'm not super dressed up, but," she laughed, returning eye contact, "thank you."

He could only smile at her. "Of course."

She realized that they were just standing still in her doorway, but his eyes. She wanted a closer look at them.

"Um- come in! Come in," she moved out of the way. "Make yourself comfortable, please."

He walked in and set a couple bags on her table. He pulled out a bottle.

"I got this, too," he held up a bottle of vodka. "More as a gift, I guess, but if you want to drink it tonight we can do that."

"Is that Belvedere?" she asked. "That's my favorite!"

"Oh, wow," he grinned. "Lucky guess, I guess."

It wasn't lucky. He remembered her telling him that when they were back in Wakanda. He was hoping it might spike a memory or two.

"Well, thank you. Here, I'll put it in the fridge so it's cooled if we decide to have some."

He held out the bottle for her to take. She tried to ignore how big his arm was... and the fact that he was still wearing gloves inside.

She took the bottle. "Still got your gloves on?"

"Oh..." he looked down at his hands. "Yeah. I have some... circulation issues."

"Ohhh," she closed the fridge. "That makes sense. You run cold?"

More like he runs hot. The serum makes his metabolism insane. She used to make jokes about it because when they'd sleep together he would heat up the whole bed.

"Yeah. Cold hands."

He didn't like lying to her, but he wasn't sure what the alternative was. He tried not to feel bad about it since they were little lies. He was just trying not to poke a hole in her reality. He knows how disorienting that can be.

But they ate and talked and everything was fine. Actually, Bucky was having a great time. He didn't wait as long as five years, but he missed her over the time he did wait. Missed just talking to her. Though he wished he could touch her, even just grab her hand. He wouldn't dare let himself think about the other stuff.

"You know what? I'm feeling crazy," she declared. "I'm gonna try some of the Belvedere. Do you want some?"

"Well I can't let you drink alone."

"I'm bad influencing you," she joked, opening the fridge.

She unscrewed the cap and went to smell the vodka before pouring it into the glasses. Immediately she put the bottle down and took a step back.

Bucky noticed the abruptness.

"You alright?" he questioned from the table.

"I just got really nauseous all of the sudden."

Nauseous along with a horrific feeling that just manifested in her brain with no warning. Her chest felt heavy. Where did this come from?

"Oh. Are you- Do you think you're gonna..."

"I might. I don't know. I'm sorry."

"It's okay, it's alright," he stood up. "Do you need anything? Water or something?"

"No, just give it a minute. I think it might go away."

"Okay," he said, meekly.

He just stood, a couple feet from her, feeling useless. He wanted to comfort her or help her or do something.

While she was trying to breathe through it, the dull ache that had been only a little sore during the day started bursting through her skull. Her hands snapped up to grip her head.

Bucky's stomach dropped. Instantly he was at her side.

"Y/N?! Y/N, what happened?!"

She squinted her eyes shut and shook her head.

"Idunno," she spit out, too distracted by her head to give a better answer.

With the pain blaring, she dropped onto her knees, one hand on the back of her head, the other planted on the floor to steady herself. Without hesitation, he was on his knees right next to her. He rubbed his hand on her back, a feeble attempt to soothe her.

"What can I do?" he implored, desperate for anything that would make her feel better.

She couldn't reply. Tears prickled at her eyes and the fell out despite her opposition to cry in front of someone she wasn't close to.

"Oh, honey," he said under his breath, helpless.

He took off one of his gloves and placed his hand on top of hers, above the floor tile.

Then it stopped.

She inhaled then exhaled slowly and deeply, reveling in the lack of pain. Her other hand fell from the back of her head as her breathing slowed, and settled on the floor next to the other. Then she realized.

She turned but wasn't prepared for her face to be inches from his. His eyes, this close. His everything this close. Her breath halted as his eyes bore into her. He looked... scared, and that brought her guilt.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"No, no, no," the un-gloved hand extended to hold the side of her face. "Please don't be sorry."

Almost reflexively, she reached up and held his wrist. She just stared at him. His worried expression made her worried. For him.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

The words didn't work. She just nodded. But then her eyes betrayed her and glanced down at his lips. Almost compulsively, like she didn't even know it was going to happen until it did. She brought them quickly back up, hoping he didn't notice and confused as to how she let herself do that.

His expression changed ever so subtly — to something quizzical. Like he was trying to figure something out.

"I'm sorry if I freaked you out," she said.

"No, if anything I should be apologizing because I brought the vodka. I'm real sorry if it... kinda triggered this. I never woulda wanted that."

"I don't even know how the vodka could. I like it and I never had a bad experience with it in college or anything that would give me taste aversion."

He wondered if something happened with the vodka that she didn't remember but her senses did.

"Whether the vodka was the cause or not, I'm sorry that happened. But I'm glad you're alright."

"Are you?"

So worried about him. She didn't know why. Just the frightened expression on his face ignited this strangely powerful feeling within her.

"Yes!" he leaned forward just a bit to emphasize his words. "I'm totally fine, please don't feel bad. I was worried but not 'freaked out.' I promise."

She smiled modestly, re-establishing her hold on his arm and finding herself very much enjoying the feeling of his skin.

Almost in response to her re-grip of his arm, Bucky adjusted his hand placement on the side of her head, making sure his thumb gently grazed over the skin behind her ear.

On her face grew a tiny little smile.

Bucky remembered she used to love when he held her face in his hands. Such a delicate gesture. She only really let him do it in soft, intimate moments.

With no conscious control of her own body, she leaned forward. Only about half a centimeter. There was a little delay, but then he did the same. And then a little more, and a little more. And then she was kissing who she declared to be the most attractive man she had ever seen and was actively trying not to moan while doing it.

Her fingers softly curled at the nape of his neck, and her palm pressed up against his chest, feeling his heartbeat. His hand moved from cupping the side of her face to firmly grasping the back of her head. Earlier she was nauseous, but now she was dizzy. She felt like she was melting.

Bucky wasn't much better. Finally he got to touch her, got to feel her, got to hold her. It felt like stepping into warm sunlight after months in the frigidity of a shadow. He moved his lips as if to pull from her every inch of sorrow and grief and heartache and say I'm sorry. Sorry for all the things that happened to you when I wasn't here. For any hand that has hurt you, for any hands that weren't mine.

Both of her hands migrated to holding the back of his head where it met the base of his neck. She held on tight, trying pull him closer if that was even possible. She wasn't sure why she felt such a sense of urgency.

They pulled away for a brief moment to catch their breath.

"Bucky," she exhaled before pressing into him once more.

With a jolt, he pulled away, a bewildered expression materializing on his face.

"What?" she asked. "What's wrong?"

"You-..."

About a million and one things ran through his mind.

"Did I do something? I'm sorry-"

"No! No, it's okay. You just... you said Bucky..."

"Oh. I'm sorry, is that... not okay?"

"No, it's good. It's more than good, I just-... Where did that come from?"

She thought about it for a second but really didn't have an answer. Her confusion morphed into what looked like distress. Like, where did that come from?

"I don't know..."

The more she thought about it the more her demeanor changed. She seemed nervous, almost alarmed now.

He grabbed both of her hands. "It's alright. It's okay. I'm sorry I said anything. Don't worry about it."

She looked at him, tense. Why did I say that? I didn't even think it, it just came out.

"I..." she huffed. "I'm confused."

He squeezed her hands. "It's okay."

I know how you feel, he wanted to say.

"I don't know what's happening to me."

He was almost mad. At whom he didn't know. Whoever was responsible for the way her mind was shaken up like his. The way her memories were stolen and the way she had the same lost look on her face that he recognized in himself.

"What do you mean?"

"I've been having so many issues lately and I don't know why. That thing that just happened with my head, it's happened before and it's been happening. And my nightmares. And I don't even know what that reaction was with the vodka. I feel like I'm going crazy."

He hoped in the deepest parts of him that whatever her nightmares were weren't the way his used to be.

"You're definitely not crazy. I know that at least."

She just nodded, clearly not convinced of his sentiment.

"That is your name, though?"

"What?"

"Bucky. It's your name?"

"It is. How did you know?"

"I don't know. I just look at you now and that's what I see. That's what comes up in my brain. I just feels like it makes sense. Maybe a lucky guess."

Damn right it was lucky. But it definitely was not a guess. He didn't ask what else might come up in her brain when she looks at him, too afraid there might not be anything else.

But there was hope. She knew his name! That had to count for something. Maybe he had to try to draw things out of her, make some memories resurface. She once helped him get out of his own head. Perhaps he could do the same.

delicate taglist: @bakugouswh0r3 @thefridgeismybestie @strivingforelegance @ilovespideyyy @xpurpleglitter @bluelakeee @darkacademic2 @eclipsedplanet @paradisedixon @crazy-beautiful @coffee--writes @lilithknight1111 @buckybarnesishot310 @softladyhours @alwayssandy @those-sea-green-eyes @hero-ically @devilswaldorf @cc13723things @small-death-and-codeine @cataves @thatbitchsposts @talktomeaboutthestars @surrealpsycho @headheartbellarke @bubbly-moonwarrior @bluemoon-icecream @buckeyecreates @augustbucky @itsthemaree @undiadeestos @buckyys-doll @seybox @amb-reads @squishiejiminiee @boiled-onionrings

if you wanna be added to the taglist, just lmk in the replies or an ask! <33

23 notes · View notes

astro-rain · 2 years

Text

hello

3 notes · View notes

astro-rain · 2 years

Text

anyone wanna give me delicate hc’s? i’m in the mood to write ;) u can send an ask or reply if you want!

1 note · View note

astro-rain · 2 years

Text

anyone wanna give me delicate hc’s? i’m in the mood to write ;) u can send an ask or reply if you want!

#bucky barnes fanfic #bucky barnes delicate #delicate headcanons

1 note · View note

astro-rain · 2 years

Text

delicate; b.barnes

chapter twenty-six - “old habits die hard”

delicate masterlist

word count: 3.1k

synopsis: bucky, stressed, falls into old patterns. reader’s relationship with james seems to blossom. (flashbacks in italics)

pairings: bucky barnes x fem!reader

Keep reading

83 notes · View notes

astro-rain · 2 years

Text

delicate; b.barnes

chapter twenty-six - “old habits die hard”

delicate masterlist

word count: 3.1k

synopsis: bucky, stressed, falls into old patterns. reader’s relationship with james seems to blossom. (flashbacks in italics)

pairings: bucky barnes x fem!reader

A day or two had passed and she stared down at her phone, looking at the name on the screen.

James Buchanan.

He had a good sounding name; she liked it.

She went back and forth in her head debating on whether or not she should actually contact him, but in some way she knew that she had already made up her mind.

He was right about one thing: he was handsome. Try as she might, she could not ignore that part.

What did stick out though, was how easy he was to talk to. She didn't like small talk, but for some reason, with him, the small talk graduated into real talk very quickly. For some reason, with him, she felt comfortable. Like she wanted to talk to him and then keep talking and talking and talking.

She sighed, giving in.

—

"Did you find out anything? What do you know?" Bucky asked, pacing around his hotel room once again.

Sam sat on the couch, observing Bucky's neuroticism.

"Not much, man. I'm sorry."

"What do you mean 'not much?' Who did you ask? What did you ask about?"

"Okay well, anything to do with memory, brain reconstruction, whatever - would be related to the Winter Soldier program, right?"

"Right." He was hanging on to every word.

"And that program was ran by Hydra, and a long time ago at that. There's not really any digital information we can get our hands on. And there's are not many people alive that know a lot about it. Honestly, the best person to ask about it is probably you."

"What do you mean?"

"As screwed up as it is, you might be one of the only people we have access to that knows anything useful. If there's something to figure out, you might already know something about it."

"Well that's not very helpful."

"Maybe you can talk to her, too. She might remember something about the... experience?"

Bucky just resumed his pacing. How in the world was he supposed to ask her about that without sending her into a (justified) panic? He was lucky enough to spend some time with her the other day, but he had no idea where his boundaries lay now.

And what about the things she might remember? He's experienced the nightmares, the terror, the haunted memories of what Hydra did to him. It would kill him to know that she was going through the same thing.

And for how long? Hell, he'd been gone for five years. How long could she have been in pain for and he wasn't there to help her? How long was he not able to protect the one thing in this world he held dear?

"Bucky, I can see the wheels in your head turning, what-"

What if they hurt her? What if they hurt her because of him? If she was in danger just for knowing him? The nerves were piling up. The guilt was piling up. He felt like a coil- tightening and tightening with the overwhelming panicked tension.

"I have to go."

He grabbed his jacket and scrambled out the door.

"What? You're leaving? Buck-"

"I gotta go. I'll talk to you later."

He left Sam alone in the room.

—

Bucky walked sporadically down the sidewalk. He didn't make a conscious decision to go somewhere specific, but on some level he knew where he would end up. So predictable.

Yet so afraid. There was only one person who could calm him in the midst of his fear - who could calm him in any state really.

He had no idea how she would react, and that did make him even more anxious. But he needed it. He needed her.

For the third time this week, Bucky found himself outside her door. There was no hesitation before he knocked.

"Oh," she was surprised. "Hi. I texted you earlier. Did I miss something? What's... going on?"

She was caught off guard, but immediately concerned. She wasn't sure how, but she could tell something was wrong. And she wasn't sure why, but it worried her more than it probably should have.

"I'm so sorry. I-I didn't mean to just show up. I'm sorry, I didn't- I didn't know where else to go."

Suddenly, she was overcome with an urge to just protect. Make it better.

"It's okay," her voice was soft. "It's alright. Here, come in, come in."

She ushered him inside, ignoring the flutter that slivered up her arm when her hand grazed against his back.

"You can come sit down," she guided him to the couch. "Do you want any tea or water or anything?"

"No," he rubbed the back of his neck. "No, it's okay."

He looked up and saw her sitting right across from him, looking into him with worry. He's definitely seen that expression on her before, specifically looking at him. He could feel himself mellow out a little, just looking at her.

"Did something happen?" she asked. "You seem a little shaken."

Did anything really happen? He basically just thought himself into a panic. It's not like there was some catastrophe.

"I guess, but it's nothing huge."

"It must be something big enough to be affecting you like this."

He's heard a similar sentiment before.

He had had a nightmare, and a really bad one at that. Usually, he could handle them himself and he'd talk to her about it when they saw each other at their next session. But this one was uncharacteristically more vivid, more painful, and more intense than the others.

At around two in the morning he was walking to her living quarters under the cooler air of a Wakandan night.

He felt bad about going to wake her up, but she let him in with no hesitation. Closed the door behind him like she was keeping him safe from all that was bad and wrong in the world.

"I'm sorry, I know it's late," he shook his head, wringing his hands.

She reached out and held his hands gently.

"What happened?" she whispered, voice laced with sleep but not at all lacking in concern.

"Nightmare," he said. "It... was bad."

Slowly, her hands drifted down from his hands to cradle his elbows.

"Oh, honey," she cooed. "You're shaking."

He just looked down. "I'm sorry. I didn't wanna wake you, but-"

"Stop it, Bucky," she wrapped her arms around his torso and pulled him in. "Don't apologize to me. You know I'm here for you."

He instinctively returned the embrace, but he was still trembling. She could basically feel the fear emanating from his body. It was quiet for a second before she heard him sniffle. It was then, as she pulled away and looked up at him, when she saw the redness around his eyes and the tear stains on his cheeks.

"I'm so sorry. What can I do?" she pleaded. "I just want to make it better."

"This is so pathetic," he wiped his hands over his face. "I'm sick of having these reactions to what? A dream? It's ridiculous!"

"It's not just a dream and you know it. You are having real reactions to very real pain and real memories."

He just stared at her, sad and disheartened, as if to say 'I'm sick of living like this.'

"Come here," she sat on the edge of her bed. "Come lay down."

He hesitated for a moment, but followed her words. He sat down next to her and laid his head down on her lap. Her hands found their way to his face, tenderly brushing strands of hair away from his eyes, lightly wiping the moisture from his cheeks, and lovingly caressing the skin on his forehead.

He closed his eyes, trying to etch the feeling of her care, her respect, her affection - into his brain. Trying to dilute the tainted memories, his polluted past, with every aspect of her. He wished to replace the ugliness and the pain in his brain with the pads of her fingers, and the palms of her hands.

"I know you're frustrated and you're exhausted," she whispered. "And you have every right to be. But you are not pathetic. You are struggling. There's a difference. It's awful and it's hard, but it isn't your fault. Okay?"

Bucky noticed her voice falter at the end, as if him being in pain caused her pain.

It did.

"Okay."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not right now."

"Okay. I'm here. For anything. If you want to try to sleep again, you can. Or if not, I'll be here. Always."

"No, you're right, you're right. I just- I got some bad news, and I'm overthinking and making myself worry."

"I'm sorry," she frowned. "That sounds stressful. Are you alright? Do you need anything? I can see that you're anxious."

Bucky wasn't the type of person who wore his heart on his sleeve. But when it was sitting in front of him, he was very easy to read. Either that or she could just figure him out so easily. Probably both.

I just need you, he wished he could say. But he couldn't have her. How ironic: she was so close yet so far away.

"No... I'm sorry. I just don't... really have anyone to talk to. I think I just needed to blow off steam or something."

"What do you mean you don't have anyone? You don't have family you can talk to? Friends?"

He looked into her eyes, desperately trying to be seen. She was his family, his friends. She was everything. He just wanted to scream I'm right here, it's me! You know me!

"Not really, no. My family is all dead, and my friend- he, uh... he left. So..."

That was rough. His bad.

The pain of Steve leaving was still fresh, still stinging. Maybe that was too much to unload on someone who didn't know they know him.

"He left? Like moved away?"

Apparently it didn't really phase her.

"Not quite." Bucky could barely grasp the concept of time travel, never mind try to explain it to someone else. "He went back to this woman he was apparently in love with. And that wouldn't necessarily be a problem if he wasn't pretty much the only person I had."

"What, he can't still talk to you? Is it like a 'she doesn't approve of you so she doesn't let him see you' kind of thing?"

"I don't know. Maybe somethin' like that..."

"Some friend," she scoffed. "Some woman."

"It's a tough situation."

"I'm really sorry. I know how it feels to not really have anyone. It's very lonely."

"Wait. What do you mean? You don't have friends?"

The thought of her, cooped up in her apartment for months, years on end - was wretched. She mentioned that she dated some people, but how much space did they end up taking in her life? How much of the loneliness did they push away? They couldn't love her like he could; he was sure of that.

"Nope. I had a friend from work, Sharon. But I haven't talked to her or seen her in ages. I have no idea where she is, if she's okay, or if she's even alive for that matter."

He almost forgot about Sharon. Guess some people just have a habit of leaving the ones that need them. Perhaps he was bitter. He wondered how Y/N would feel if she was still... herself. Fully.

All Bucky could do was shake his head. "God, that blows. The whole blip thing just screwed everything, didn't it?"

"Yeah, it really did. Clearly it was awful for the people that lost five years, but it wasn't great for any of us, either."

"Did... you lose anyone? In the blip?"

He bit his tongue. Maybe he could test the waters of her memory.

A sardonic smile. "No one to lose."

His chest ached. He tried not to make it obvious.

"What about you?" she asked. "Did you lose anyone?"

"I was part of the half that disappeared..."

"Oh, shit."

"But I still did lose someone."

"Were... they gone when you came back?"

A moment of silence passed between them.

"Yeah..."

"Fuck... Why is everything terrible?"

"It's a rough world to live in. But there are good things."

It's her. She's the good thing.

"That's a really positive outlook to have on life."

"Is that therapist lingo?" Bucky cracked a smile.

"Eh, it kind of is," she laughed. "Sorry."

"It's alright. It's just you bein' you."

She paused. A momentary, quizzical lapse in focus.

"What do you mean?"

"I could tell how passionate you are about your work from the other day. Like it's a big part of who you are. Just... guessing..."

"Yeah," she breathed, as someone finally understood her. "Yeah, that's right."

"You seem surprised."

"Not everyone gets it."

He did.

"That's a shame... for the ones that don't."

She gave a warm-hearted smile as her face softened. "You know, you are a really nice guy, James Buchanan."

Bucky froze. His brain needed a second to buffer. First of all, because she said it. Her special little nickname for him. The loving, flirty secret language between them. And second, how did she remember...

"How do you know my..."

"You gave it to me. You put it in my phone, remember?"

"Oh... Oh, yeah. Right."

"Which reminds me, I did text you, but you didn't answer. That's why I thought I missed something when you came."

"Oh! Right, sorry. Yeah. I didn't see it yet."

"It's fine," she waved her hand. "You are okay though, right?"

She wasn't sure why she was so concerned, her brain adamant that he needed to be alright. How strange.

"Yeah, I'm good, I'm good. I just... guess I needed to talk to someone. I'm sorry if I interrupted anything. Kinda rude of me- to just show up."

She shrugged. "I wasn't really doing anything anyway. And I'm always happy to be a someone."

He could kiss her. Right then and there.

"Me too, by the way. I know we don't know each other too well, but I owe you now. And we're both lacking in friends and apparently very lonely," he smiled. "So if you need to talk, or are just bored or anything, I'm a phone call away. Or a text. I promise I'll answer next time."

"Really?"

As if he wouldn't drop everything for her anyway.

"Of course. I'm happy to be a someone, too."

Her someone.

—

They were up late that night, texting. It was ridiculous; she felt like a teenager.

Aren't you tired? she sent.

He replied: Not really. Are you?

Not really... I just don't wanna keep you up, especially if you have stuff to do tmrw.

All good. I don't have any stuff. And don't worry, I'm an awful sleeper anyway.

Insomnia?

Not insomnia. It's kind of hard to explain.

Well staying up late on your phone probably won't help...

That's the pot callin the kettle black.

Smartass.

You're being an enabler.

I don't even know what I'm enabling!

Call me, I'll explain it to you.

Right now?

Yes, right now.

Isn't it sorta late?

I think we're past that...

She smiled and rolled her eyes, pressing his name to call him. She put the phone on speaker, placed it beside her pillow, and turned on her side to listen to it ring. It only rang twice before he picked up.

It was quiet for just a moment.

"Hi," she said, curling her knees up to her abdomen.

On the other line, Bucky laid on his back. Phone also on speaker, sitting flat on his chest. He grinned when he heard the sound of her voice.

"Hey."

She could hear a slight difference in his voice, gravelly, late-night notes of rasp in the sound. It was... something. She liked it.

"So, your not-insomnia? What is that about?"

"It's weird. Like, I don't think it's insomnia 'cause I don't usually have a problem falling asleep. But I get these really intense, really vivid dreams and I'll be tossin' and turnin' all night. So even if I sleep for a while, it's not... y'know, good sleep."

"Like night terrors?"

"Something like that, yeah."

"Do you ever wake up from a nightmare and it was so realistic that when you wake up, it's like you're in shock because you were literally in another reality like a second ago?"

"Yeah... All the time..."

"That happens to me, too."

Excuse me, he thought. Since when?

"You get nightmares?"

"Not every night, but sometimes. And a lot of the time I don't even remember the dream, but I know it happened because I wake up covered in sweat and I'll be exhausted the next day."

He'd bet his other arm it was because of Hydra and whatever the fuck they did to his best girl. He wanted to beat someone up. But he also wanted to cry. What a terribly imbalanced universe it is in which she has to suffer like he did.

"I'm sorry, that-... that's awful."

"Sorry, that was a lot."

"No, no. It's totally fine. I just know what it's like... And it sucks."

"Yeah... And I get these weird headaches too. I'm a mess. Oh, but the nightmare stuff got me really into dream research, though— which is fascinating by the way. Holy shit. Our brains are... insane."

That turned the rest of the night into a conversation about dreams and the brain. She just went on and on and he kept asking questions, happy to simply listen, even if she went a little beyond his understanding.

He didn't remember falling asleep, but he never hung up the phone. He must've drifted off to the sound of her voice, which made sense considering he slept soundly.

It reminded him of those nights in the bunker they spent together. When they would just talk and talk and talk, falling asleep mid-conversation. When they became close, and maybe they were acting a little closer than just friends. But it didn't matter. They were locked away from the rest of the world, safe to exist together.

It was almost funny — their dynamic, their affinity towards one another, seemed to be recreating itself. It's like the two of them were falling back into routine.

Even without her memory of their past, they still stay up, hours on end, engulfed in conversation, in each other's words, and in each other's minds.

Even lost to each other, they still found comfort in one another. Still gravitated towards each other. Old habits die hard, he supposed.

delicate taglist: @bakugouswh0r3 @thefridgeismybestie @strivingforelegance @ilovespideyyy @xpurpleglitter @bluelakeee @darkacademic2 @eclipsedplanet @paradisedixon @crazy-beautiful @coffee--writes @lilithknight1111 @buckybarnesishot310 @softladyhours @alwayssandy @those-sea-green-eyes @hero-ically @devilswaldorf @cc13723things @small-death-and-codeine @avengersgirllorianna @cataves @thatbitchsposts @talktomeaboutthestars @surrealpsycho @headheartbellarke @bubbly-moonwarrior @bluemoon-icecream @buckeyecreates @augustbucky @itsthemaree @undiadeestos @buckyys-doll @seybox @amb-reads @squishiejiminiee @boiled-onionrings

as always, if you wanna be added to the tag list just lmk! in the replies or an ask :)

83 notes · View notes

astro-rain · 2 years

Text

chap 26 of delicate coming VERY soon! either today or tmrw

#bucky barnes #bucky fanfic #bucky barnes delicate #astro rain delicate

2 notes · View notes

astro-rain · 2 years

Note

I love delicate so much!!

thank you!!! <3 sorry it’s taking so long to update, i’m kinda depressed

much love xx

0 notes

astro-rain · 2 years

Text

i am in love. IN LOVE I SAY

ANDREW GARFIELD as Sam

Under the Silver Lake [2018 | dir. David Robert Mitchell]

294 notes · View notes

astro-rain · 2 years

Text

delicate; b.barnes

chapter twenty-five - “everything is different now”

delicate masterlist

word count: 3.2k

synopsis: reader talks to the man who knocked on her door. they’re both confused. (flashbacks in italics)

pairings: bucky barnes x fem!reader

"Hi..."

Instantly, her confused quadrupled. "Hi? Can... I help you?"

The man seemed puzzled now, too.

"I-... What do you mean?"

"Do you need something? I don't... I'm confused."

"Is that a joke?" he chuckled nervously. "I know five years is a while but come on..."

A joke? What is he on about?

"No... Um..." she glanced over his shoulder. "I think you have the wrong apartment? Who are you looking for? I might know them."

As if I'd be looking for anyone else, he thought to himself.

"No... I came to see you."

"Uh... for what? I'm sorry, I really don't know what's going on."

This had to be some kind of joke. Why would she pretend not to know him?

"Come on, this-... It's not funny. Why are you doing this?"

She just stared at him, endlessly perplexed.

Bucky was dumbfounded. What the fuck was happening?

"I'm sorry, sir. I don't know you. You have the wrong apartment," her voice was more stern now. "You can ask downstairs for the person you're looking for."

With that she closed the door. Bucky's jaw went slack, hanging open in shock.

How could she... Why would she... What the fuck?

Her voice was still going in his head, repeating I don't know you over and over again. The words sunk deep into his chest and stung. There was no way she would have been pretending. That would just be cruel, and Y/N wasn't cruel. But at the same time, there was no way she could have actually forgotten who he was.

However, the more the phrase kept repeating, the more familiar it seemed. The tone of her voice, the look in her eyes. She had a certain hesitance that ran deeper than normal confusion.

Bucky recognized that breed of uncertainty, that profound mistrust of oneself. He's felt that, he's seen that... in himself. It almost sounded like... him. He froze, in fear, with the realization that other things can cause memory loss. That other things, other people had the ability to alter someone's mind.

And if some of those other people had enough access to her to change alter her mind, what else could they have done? Within seconds, his entire body was stinging with anger and dread.

"Fuck," he whispered.

If they hurt her...

"You have to help me," Bucky declared while pacing around his hotel room, phone to his ear.

"I have to?" Sam echoed.

Bucky implored. "Please."

Sam noted the change in tone. Bucky sounded uneasy.

"Is everything alright?"

"No."

"Okay... well... what's wrong then?"

"I need help."

"Yeah, I got that part. With what?"

"This is stupid," Bucky huffed. "Never mind."

He hung up the phone. Sam called back immediately.

Bucky accepted the call. "What?"

"I'm coming over."

"Hey, you can't-"

"I did not fly your ass to Belgium for you to not tell me why you wanted to go and then hang up on me."

Then Sam hung up on him.

Petulantly, Bucky huffed again and threw his phone on the couch before continuing to pace.

He lost track of how much time had passed before he heard Sam at the door.

"Okay, what the hell man?" Sam asked, marching into Bucky's living room, neither of them bothering to greet the other first.

"I didn't tell you to come here," Bucky crossed his arms.

"What. Is. The problem?"

The super soldier conceded.

"Do you remember Y/N?"

Sam cocked his head to the side, the name not ringing a bell.

"The therapist?" Bucky continued.

"Ohhh. Yeah, yeah. What about her?"

"She's-... something's wrong- something... happened to her."

"What happened?"

He gulped. "I'm not sure."

"Well... then how do you know something's wrong?"

"She's not herself... Her memory's not right."

"What do you mean?"

"She doesn't remember me. Like at all. She didn't even recognize me."

Saying it out loud made his chest tighten.

Sam looked even more confused. "It's been more than five years since she's seen you, right? Maybe she just forgot? She's probably had tons of patients since then. I mean, she can't remember every single one."

"No, but she'd remember me."

"Why? What makes you so special-"

Sam cut himself off as the wheels started to turn. A slow smile grew on his face.

"Wait... That's what you wanted to come here for! Or should I say who you wanted to come here for."

"Shut up."

"She was more than just a therapist to you, wasn't she?"

"Sam."

"I mean, I did say she was really pretty..."

"I'm nowhere near above violence."

"Okay!" Sam laughed, putting his hands up in mock surrender. "But I don't know how she ended up falling for your grumpy ass."

"Will you help me or not?"

"What do you want me to do?"

"I don't know! You know people! Can you just-... can you call someone... Maybe a doctor can look at her..."

He sounded desperate. Unsure. Worried.

"I doubt she's going to willingly see a doctor if you, a stranger, tell her there's something wrong with her. I'm not sure who you want me to call."

Bucky's voice shook just slightly. "Sam, please."

Sam could see the potent fear in his eyes.

"She's really important to you?"

Important was an understatement.

He nodded. "Very. And I think someone might've done to her what they did to me."

"Someone being Hydra?"

"Possibly."

"I'll see what I can do."

Bucky finally took a breath.

He thought he would be able to manage himself after Sam left but he was too restless.

He couldn't stop thinking about how she backed away from him, uneasy, confused, unknowing. How the one person in the world that made him feel safe didn't even know his name. Hell, he was supposed to make her feel safe, too! And he's far from that now.

He had to make things right. He had to go back to her.

He stood outside her door for almost ten minutes trying to muster up the courage to talk to her again. He had been dying to see her ever since she left Wakanda. But everything was different now. Well, different enough. He wasn't sure how much she had changed, aside from her memory.

Bucky didn't realize he had knocked until he saw the door open and her face was in front of him. Before she could say anything, he started.

"I'm-really-sorry-about-before."

Her brows drew together, confused - once again.

"I just uh-... I thought you were someone else. You look like someone I used to know. I'm kinda embarrassed. I'm sorry if I freaked you out."

"Oh... it's okay. I understand. That kind of thing has been happening since the people who disappeared in the blip started coming back. A face can change a lot in five years."

He didn't have an excuse but luckily she gave him one. Even when she didn't know him, she was still saving his ass.

"Right."

He stood a little awkwardly with his hands clasped behind him. He wanted to look as non-threatening as possible. She was never afraid of him, never put off by how potentially scary he could be.

However, she might be different now. He didn't want to give her any reason to not feel safe around him.

He broke the awkward silence. "Again, I'm so sorry. I was being very, uh, neurotic, and you were really nice about it, so..."

"No worries," she smiled a polite smile. "I hope you found who you were looking for."

It wasn't a real smile but he missed it all the same. He was dying for just a sliver of her.

"I did..." he trailed off trying to memorize every inch of her face before he had to leave her again. It's a shame; the current trend between them seemed to be leaving. Thanks."

He knew he had been standing and staring for far longer than what was socially acceptable. But she was right there in the flesh. She was smiling and he missed her and she was close enough to touch.

Oddly enough, she didn't seem annoyed or weirded out by it. She didn't back away or grab the door to signal the end of the interaction. She just stood, mirroring him.

He didn't want to leave. He couldn't. Maybe he could just—

"I-uh... I just- I feel bad about it. Think I could buy you a cup of coffee or somethin' to make it up to you?"

She thought about it for a moment.

"I know I'm kind of a stranger so we can go to a public, outdoor place," he continued. "You can pick. Wherever you want."

Normally she wouldn't. She didn't trust strangers. Something about this man seemed different, though. Genuine.

She knew the act of going out with someone you didn't know wasn't a stellar idea, but for whatever reason, she felt that going out with this someone was okay. She didn't feel nervous or uncomfortable.

And he seemed nice enough. Really pretty eyes. Wouldn't hurt to look at them over a cup of coffee.

"Okay," she said. "Sure, yeah. I know a really nice place down the street."

"Great," he grinned.

She closed her door and locked it before turning to walk with him.

"Oh," she stuck her hand out and introduced herself before asking for his name.

He gladly took her hand but the next part took him a second. What if she knew who Bucky was - as the Winter Soldier? She never cared before, but things are different now. He played it safe.

"James..."

"Nice to meet you, James."

For the second time...

His first name sounded so good when she said it. Honestly, he liked anything she called him, but he hadn't been on the receiving end of a 'James Buchanan' in so long.

"Likewise."

She picked a small café that only took a couple of minutes to walk to. On their way there, the conversation went so smoothly that Bucky almost forgot he was talking with someone who had no idea who he was.

"I hope you like it. It's the best coffee I've ever had," she grinned. "And their espresso is next level shit. I always drink it when I'm up late finishing work. Works amazingly."

"What do you do for work?" he asked as if he didn't already know the answer.

"Oh, I'm a neuropsychologist."

He couldn't help the way the corners of his lips turned up. Even the mention of her work put light in her eyes. To see it after so long was an endearing familiarity.

"Wow. That's complicated stuff, isn't it?"

"It is, but it's fascinating. The brain is..." she trailed off looking for the right word, "beautiful. It's extraordinary. I love it."

"Do you work as a therapist?"

Again, he already knew the answer. Perhaps he just liked listening to her talk. No, he knew he did.

"I have before, but not anymore. I do a lot of research overview now, and experimental consults."

"That's very impressive."

Dodging the compliment, she shifted the focus of the conversation. "Have you ever been in therapy before?"

What an odd question. She wasn't sure why she said it aloud.

"I have," he smiled at the irony. "I technically am right now, but I'm not a big fan of my current therapist. I used to have a really good one, though."

"Aw, that's hard. Having a therapist you don't like or connect with can be really frustrating."

"Yeah..."

He could recognize her professional vernacular. A polite mask put up for strangers or clients. Polished, practiced diction for those she didn't know - for those she didn't let her guard down around.

"What was your old one like?"

"She was astounding. And inarguably one of the smartest people I've ever met. She genuinely changed my life. I wish I had the chance to thank her more."

"Why can't you?" Again with the personal questions. "—If you don't mind me asking."

"She... retired."

She could sense the change in his tone, got the feeling that he didn't really want to continue down that road.

"What do you do?" she asked.

"I, um..."

What the actual fuck was he supposed to say to that? 'I used to be an assassin but now I'm in between jobs.' And also I'm in love with you.

"I... work for the government."

"Fancy. What kind of work?"

"Security stuff...? Foreign affairs."

She smirked just slightly. "You don't seem sure."

"Sorry," he chuckled, thinking of an excuse. "I'm just- I'm kinda nervous."

"You're nervous? What for?"

It was supposed to be a lie, but maybe he was a little nervous. He couldn't help it! This felt almost like a date. To him at least. Even though he'd known her for a long time, they had never actually been on a real, official date.

But then he realized that even if he was a little nervous, he didn't really have to be. This was the woman he loved. The woman who loved him, even if she didn't know it.

And if it felt like a date, maybe he could act like it was a date. Maybe he could do what he couldn't the first time they met. He decided to let out a little part of him from the forties he kept locked away just for her.

"Well, I'm intimidated!" he joked. "I'm sitting across from a genius!"

She laughed. "Genius? You're funny."

"I mean come on. Pretty and smart and humble? A triple threat. You're killin' me! I'm blushin' over here!"

A huge grin grew on her face. "Are you... flirting with me, James?"

Goosebumps. But he kept his composure.

"I very well might be. Why, is it workin'?"

She felt heat blossom on her cheeks. Why was this stranger eliciting such a reaction from her? She barely knew him, but the way the charm laced his voice and the way his eyes crinkled when he smiled was doing something.

She looked at her coffee and stirred it, smiling sheepishly down into the cup. She shrugged her shoulders in response.

"That definitely wasn't a no."

"Wasn't a yes either," she quipped.

It was playful and all in good fun. Bucky could nearly feel the spark of their dynamic flicker.

He put his hands over his heart, feigning offense. It was then when she noticed he was still wearing gloves inside. She thought it strange but didn't say anything.

He kept going.

"How much of your coffee have you finished? 'Cause I finished mine a while ago and I've just been tryin' not to stare at you since then."

Definitely flirting, but not at all joking. He always wanted to look at her.

She laughed again and he loved it.

"You are really just goin' for it, huh?"

He beamed. "Fortune favors the bold."

"Do you get all the ladies like this?"

"Haven't had a lady in a long time."

"How long is a long time?"

He took a breath. "Long enough. Although I doubt she really notices."

"Someone break your heart?"

Someone fixed it.

"No, no, nothing serious," he lied. "But it has been a while."

"Dating's a bit overrated anyway, so it's okay."

His heart fell into his ass. Dating? The thought of her dating someone else - being intimate with someone else - was strange and unwelcome. He was almost jealous. He almost wanted to gag.

"Date? You've- uh, been dating?" he cleared his throat. "How has that been- in the current... state of the world?"

"Awful. Over the past couple years, I've broken up with everyone I've dated. I've pretty much given up."

Bucky sighed a sigh of relief (an inconspicuous one). If he found out she had a boyfriend or husband, he was sure he would pass away on the spot.

"Are you gonna stay single forever? Invest in a few cats maybe?"

"I don't know. I'm not against being with someone, but..." Everyone she has been with always felt wrong. "I don't know. People aren't always who you think they are when you first meet them, I guess."

He could relate. When he first met her, he had no idea he was going to love her with everything in him.

"Yeah. I get it," he said. "It's a shame, though. Those guys are missin' out big time."

A tiny smile. "Oh, yes. I'm sure they're truly lamenting their loss."

It was sarcasm, obviously. But he could sense a hint of insecurity - as if those men she dated would somehow be better off without her. Imagining her feeling unwanted in any capacity made his skin crawl. That was a cosmic-level imbalance: to have all that love for her, all that adoration and appreciation, and still witness her feel unworthy.

"They were probably just jealous."

"Jealous?"

"Yeah. Guys get insecure when women are smarter than them."

"Oh... Yeah."

"I, on the other hand, love smart women. How convenient for me that there's one right in front of me."

She shook her head. "You are relentless."

"I'm sorry to have to break it to you, but you just happen to be a very interesting and attractive person."

She just smiled and rolled her eyes.

"Think I could convince you to stick around for the rest of the afternoon?"

She cast a look of disbelief over him. "You just met me and now you want to spend the afternoon with me?"

"Yeah, is that so hard to believe? I think we get along pretty well and, I mean, I don't have any plans."

"You seem very sweet," she started, gently, "but I think I know where this is going. I'm not really looking to date or anything right now."

"Who said anything about dating? I just wanna be friends."

Déjà vu.

"You wanna be friends?"

Whatever. It's not like he hasn't been in this exact situation before.

"I do."

"So the flirting was... what?"

Shit.

"That's how I make all my friends."

"Is it?" she tried to fight a smile.

Why was it so easy for him to make her laugh?

"Okay. I'll make you a deal," Bucky started. "How 'bout I give you my number, and you can decide later whether you want to use it, depending on if you want a really cool friend or not. The friend is also very handsome. Just wanted to mention - as a benefit."

"Oh, uh... are you sure?"

"Of course. I'd love to have you there."

She wrung out her hands. "I don't know, Buck. Is that really appropriate? To have your doctor hangin' out with your friends?"

"That may be, but that's not what I'm asking. I want my friend to 'hang out' with my other friends."

Out of her composure seeped a meek smile. The air felt softer to him.

"Okay. Lead the way, James Buchanan."

She looked at him, biting the inside of her cheek. Her face nearly hurt from fighting the grin she was about to break.

"Okay," she handed him her phone. "I'm not one to turn down a friend."

delicate taglist: @bakugouswh0r3 @thefridgeismybestie @strivingforelegance @ilovespideyyy @xpurpleglitter @bluelakeee @darkacademic2 @eclipsedplanet @paradisedixon @crazy-beautiful @coffee--writes @lilithknight1111 @buckybarnesishot310 @softladyhours @alwayssandy @those-sea-green-eyes @hero-ically @devilswaldorf @cc13723things @small-death-and-codeine @avengersgirllorianna @cataves @thatbitchsposts @talktomeaboutthestars @surrealpsycho @headheartbellarke @bubbly-moonwarrior @bluemoon-icecream @buckeyecreates @augustbucky @itsthemaree @undiadeestos @buckyys-doll @seybox @amb-reads @squishiejiminiee

if you want to be added to the taglist, lmk!

#bucky #bucky barnes #bucky x reader #bucky barnes x reader #bucky x fem!reader #bucky barnes x fem!reader #bucky barnes x you #bucky x you #bucky barnes x y/n #captain america fanfic #marvel fanfic #bucky fanfic #bucky barnes fanfic #bucky barnes fluff #bucky barnes smut #bucky barnes delicate #bucky barnes x reader fluff

57 notes · View notes