#recognizing abuse

[furiousgoldfish]

When I was a little kid, I asked my mother 'What does a child need to survive in a desert?'. She wouldn't give me a straight answer, so I had to pull it out of her bit by bit. Would a child live if they had fruit? 'That's not enough', she said. Would it work if the child had milk? 'Maybe'. I kept asking what else, and then she put the dots together, and figured out why I was asking. 'Children can't survive without their mother', she told me curtly. I frowned, not liking this response. 'But, if they had fruit and milk?' I insisted. 'No. Child can't survive without a mother. Don't even think about it.'

But, I was thinking about it, and she knew it. She knew I was trying to find a way to escape the house we were living in. I was 6, maybe 7 at the time. She repeated over and over to me, you would die outside this house. Nobody else would take you in, there's no place for you anywhere else. You would only be a burden.

I didn't like that. I didn't like the idea of being a burden anywhere. But, I supposed she was right, other people didn't need a stray kid.

In my quest of not being a burden, I wanted to learn how to work. In the house I lived in, there were countless chores to be done, but somehow I was always stuck with the ones that required no knowledge or skill. Put the logs over there, clean, carry this over there, sweep, scrub, throw, wash, dig, gather, relocate, hold, lift, put down, bury, shut up, and don't ask questions. I wouldn't get any answers even if I did ask, why am I doing this, whats it for? I wasn't to know. I was kept blind, following orders, up to myself to figure out what was this a part of.

When I'd be ordered to do something I didn't know how, I would be told I 'should have learned it by watching others do it', but I was never free to watch while others worked. In fact, if anyone in the house was doing anything, and I was sitting or lying down, I would be screamed at for 'just watching others work and doing nothing'.

Reaching adulthood, I really wanted to know about cooking, but mother always chased me out of the kitchen if she was making something, or she would chore me with 'peeling the vegetables', which would then take all of my attention. I tried to sneak into the kitchen and learn by myself, but she chased me away as soon as she'd catch me, telling me off for 'wasting resources'. But, as she noticed my inclination, she decided to inform me, in a very clear manner, that I would never in my life know how to cook. You see, I was clumsy, slow, stupid, and would always only mess it up and waste precious ingredients. It was far above my abilities to learn how to cook. She gave me a clove of garlic to cut, and I couldn't do it well on my first try. She told me it was a proof that I was 'no good'. Then she gave me an onion to cut, and yelled at me for 'taking too long'. Now it was proven twice over. I couldn't cook. Everything would be ruined because I was taking too long to cut the vegetables. Also, I didn't know where food was even stored in the kitchen. She would never show me. (The food was stored in boxes in the basement. I would find out years later.)

With a heavy heart, I gave up on learning how to cook, and resigned myself to feeling forever guilty for 'eating their food', which was something my family regularly held over my head. You know, after I helped digging, working the soil, sowing, planting, weeding and spraying, it was still their land, and their food, and I 'had no right to it'. They were careful never to show me how to actually grow food, but just kept me busy with menial tasks that were never explained to me.

I was convinced my mother was a good person, because she usually wouldn't forbid me to eat, and if she wanted me to do a task, she would tell me in a humane way. For example 'Can you do x?'. The other family members had a more crude way, something like 'Why are you waiting to be told, do I have to spell out everything to you??' so her polite manner had completely won me over, I would have done anything for my sickly, poor, kind and generous mother, who was so worried for my troubled self, who couldn't learn how to do anything, or survive outside the house.

Even though my mother repeated through the years, that I would never be able to do anything, and also berated me if I ever tried to learn a new skill because 'it was worthless and wouldn't earn me any money', I would still sometimes gather a bit of momentum and courage, and figure hey, I should try to get a job. It would take months to gather that kind of confidence. And one such time, I announced my intentions, I'm going to look for a job! My mother laughed without looking at me. 'Who would hire you? You can't do anything.' Poof. That was my balloon of confidence, popping and then deflating into a tiny bulb. I didn't think she had any reason to lie to me. She knew me all my life. If she was confident that I can't do anything... then it had to be true. Otherwise why would she say that?

The rest of the family, of course, agreed. My grandmother, she had fantastic stories to share with me about how quickly I would be kidnapped, robbed, murdered, tortured, sold into slavery, you know all that good stuff that happens to every person outside their parents house. My father, who inherited massive amounts of land, 2 houses, illegally got his hands on a third, earned a very formidable salary, and constantly had me working for free for him, told me that it was in fact, impossible for a person to survive out there without inheritance. I frowned because I didn't agree with this, and I asked, what about the people who get a job and move into the city? They were living just from their wages. He shook his head and said that it may look like that, but they're all just living from their family's resources. I was old enough to not believe him. It's him who couldn't live without his inheritance, because he's an idiot, I thought.

So, I finally got to earn some money online. It was slow, and very tiny amount, I was freelancing and there was no consistent income, but my enthusiasm on being able to earn anything, was strong. After all, I had earned absolutely nothing working for my family for forever, and this was mine. I remember securing a big project and rushing to reassure my mother, to tell her that I was in fact, good for something, and she didn't have to worry anymore, I was going to make something of myself.

'You will never get another project again.' Her face was dead serious. 'You were lucky once. Don't count on this happening again'. I was speechless. Self doubt swallowed me whole. Was this only one-time occurrence? Was I stupid to believe it would happen again? I despaired. She was my mother, and she was older than me, and she knew the world better than I did. She wouldn't say this for no reason. Could she be right?

She brought it up to the rest of the family, and they all had things to say about it. 'Online work isn't real. The money doesn't even exist. You'll never see it. Show us where is this money. You can't, can you? And even if it does exist, it will all get stolen from you'.

Leaving me wrapped in my survival panic attack, they went on with their day, satisfied that they put me back in my place (which was an ongoing panic attack). I eventually recovered, and continued to work on projects. I was approached and told I would fail constantly, but even then, what could I do but work with my anxiety levels up to the roof and wait to fail? I had to try.

I didn't believe I would make it, because my mother's words 'you'll die, you'll die' were on repeat in my head, but I realized I would die in that house anyway, so I ran away from home. My mother was worried about me; she was in fact, so worried she called every person who knew me, all of friends, relatives, their kids, and told them about how badly worried she was for me, and how I needed to come back home. These people, well they were all worried too you see, so they had to call me, to tell me that I'm breaking my mother's heart, that I don't know how it feels to have a child and not know if their child is okay, apparently she was crying every time it rained because she thought I might be outside in the rain.

My guilt was activated, but I knew just what to do to resolve this situation. I responded to my mother's call, and she told me too, that she was dying from worry, so I said, listen! Listen to what I have! And I went around the apartment, and I listed all of the groceries I had bought and stored. I listed everything out to her, and then explained how to make multiple meals, I offered proof to her that I had already, in this short time, learned how to cook, and I was doing fine. I was sure she'd be so relieved to know that her child had food.

In my mind we were continuing the conversation we had when I was six. I have milk and fruit now mommy. You said I might survive if I have that.

'Okay, we KNOW you can do everything yourself--' She interrupted me angrily, unwilling to listen to my ongoing list of resources and skills. I froze. '--but you need to think about what you're doing to us and come back home!'

I hung up. Unbelieving. Two things I've been told in that sentence, and I had a hard time believing either. She- they- KNEW I could do everything myself. Since when? For how long? How could she possibly say this, after telling me my whole life, not only that I didn't know anything, but was too stupid to even learn? She knew I was capable the entire time? She knew I'd do just fine? And, she was angry about it. Hearing the list of resources and skills I had, it made her livid. After crying to all these people, and convincing me she was dying out of worry, she wasn't worried even one little bit. It was all fake. The entire time. She could either tell I was capable the entire time, or.. she never cared enough to even tell. It didn't matter. It only mattered that she convinced me that I can't survive. So I wouldn't run. So I would stay in that house, and so she could watch her violent husband, and violent mother in law beat me and call me animal names. While blocking my only possible exit.

Later I found out she changed her story. She was now telling people that I was now 'rich but so selfish I would not give any of my money to her'. It was almost funny. Her perspective of me rapidly shifted from 'incapable idiot who cannot survive' to 'selfish rich snob who won't give money'.

It stung. I had spent my life trying to protect her. Even after running, all I could think was how badly I wanted to take her away from that violent place, how much I wanted happiness for her. She watched me dying in that house and blocked my exit. She threw me back into the hands of violence and cheered them on as they broke me. She watched a kid being broken and told that kid they could not live, except if they stay and continue being broken, over and over again. I got jealous of all of the mothers who helped their kids escape. And of all the kids whose mothers escaped, taking them with. Keeping them safe. Why wasn't I worth keeping safe? But I can't look back in that way. That's not it. There was nobody to keep me safe. Nobody was my mother. Nobody was my parent.

My six year old self reached their goal. What does a child need to survive in a desert? Some fruit. And some milk. And some other groceries also don't hurt. And definitely not a mother like this one.

#abusive mother #recognizing abuse #cruelty concealed as worry #escape sabotage #mother keeping a child trapped in abuse #using a child as a shield from violence #abusers keeping your confidence down to stop you from escaping #abusers lying through their teeth #child abuse #survival resources #toxic family #toxic mother #i don't even know what her deal is #but her cruelty crushed me

[sparklywaistcoat]

Abuse: A PSA

After the latest bit of Tumblr Drama(TM) regarding A Certain 1960s Spy-Fi Actor, I feel like I need to lay down some knowledge about what abuse is and what it isn’t.

Abuse isn’t occasionally feeling grumpy or having a bad day or having high standards. Everybody feels grumpy sometimes, everybody has bad days sometimes, and everybody has standards for their lives and work, but not everybody is abusive.

Abuse is behavior intended to hurt, demean, humiliate, or control another person. To be considered abuse, that behavior must be something that is regular and continuing. It’s not just a one-off lapse where someone got angry that one time. And by “regular and continuing,” I don’t mean that it’s always directed at one person or toward a particular set of people, but rather that it is behavior a person exhibits that regularly and frequently occurs, regardless of who the current victim might be.

Abuse can be directed continually at only one particular target (although abusive people are rarely that picky), or it can be directed a bunch of targets, although how bad the abuse is per target depends on the abuser and on the targets.

There are also many types of abuse, only a small number of which are physical:

verbal abuse

emotional abuse

physical abuse

sexual abuse

financial/economic abuse

litigation abuse

gaslighting

stalking

spiritual abuse

neglect (usually of children, the disabled, or the frail elderly)

abandonment (usually of children, the disabled, or the frail elderly)

This may not be a complete list; it’s just the ones I could think of in the moment. Also, most abusers will engage in a constellation of these behaviors, not just one.

It’s important to remember that abuse that doesn’t injure the victim’s body directly is still abuse. In fact, most of the forms of abuse listed above are not inflected directly on the victim’s body. Non-physical kinds of abuse are the most pernicious because they leave no marks and often take place in private, which makes them hard to prove to outside observers.

Abuse usually follows a specific cycle. An incident of abuse will be followed by a period of peace and calm. At the beginning of the calm period, the abuser may even appear contrite and willing to change. However, during this period of calm, the abuser builds up a head of steam until they lash out again, and then the cycle repeats itself.

This cycle is one of the reasons why people who are subjected to abuse--and especially to non-physical abuse--can find it hard to recognize that they are, in fact, being abused, because it’s so easy to excuse the abusive outburst as “occasional grouchiness” or “having a bad day,” or “he just likes things done a certain way.” The cycle of abuse can often lead the victim to think that maybe this time the abuser is sincere in their apology and really will begin to change (pro tip: they aren’t and they won’t). This means that victims may stay through many cycles, for years or even decades, before they a) realize they’re being abused and b) are able to leave.

Another important thing about abusers is that although their abuse is a continually present pattern of behavior, they don’t abuse everyone they come into contact with. They will be charming and polite to some people, and abusive to others. They may even be charming and polite to their victims, especially early in the relationship (which is how they reel the victim in) and in front of other people whose good opinion the abuser values.

Being nice to other people and abusive to their victims is an actual tactic that is intended partly to sow the seeds of doubt in the minds of third parties, so that should the victim speak up about what they’ve endured, they won’t be believed. “But Joe the Abuser didn’t abuse me/them/these other people” and “Joe the Abuser abused X, Y, and Z” are statements that can be simultaneously true. “Joe the Abuser abuses his wife and children” and “Joe the Abuser is a pillar of the community” are statements that can be simultaneously true. Joe is still an abuser in each of these scenarios.

Below are a few other resources on abuse and how to spot it:

Signs of Abuse - National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

Warning Signs of an Abusive Person - City of Portland Police Bureau

How to Recognize the Signs of Emotional Abuse - Healthline

Domestic Abuse: Recognizing the Potential Abuser - WebMD

If you are in an abusive situation, there are some important things you need to know.

First is that you are not alone. There are people and organizations who can help you.

Second is that the abuse is not your fault. Nothing you have done, thought, or said made you deserve how you were treated.

Third is that if you want to leave but can’t, or if you want to leave but just aren’t ready to, that’s perfectly valid. Only you can decide what is to be done about your situation, and you’re not stupid or weak for staying.

I’d love to be able to provide resources for everyone who might see this, regardless of what country they are from, but that’s just not possible. If you can, look online for domestic violence resources in your home jurisdiction. Many jurisdictions also offer free and low-cost legal resources to help you leave your situation.

If you’re using your own phone or other device at home, be sure to use a private browsing window, or else completely clear your history after your session so that your abuser can’t see what you’ve been doing.

You may want to use a computer or other device that your abuser doesn’t have access to, such as a library computer, if that’s a safe device for you, in case your abuser has put spyware on your own devices.

Stay safe, and stay strong. Someday you will be free.

#abuse #domestic abuse #domestic violence #intimate partner abuse #child abuse #elder abuse #ableism #disabled abuse #abusers #recognizing abuse

[salmasnook]

Breaking Free: Recognizing and Overcoming Emotional Abuse in Work, School, and Home

In the intricate tapestry of our lives, emotional well-being plays a vital role in shaping our overall happiness and success. Unfortunately, the shadows of emotional abuse can cast a dark cloud over our existence, diminishing our self-esteem, self-worth, and sense of security. In this blog post, we aim to shed light on what emotional abuse is, how it can manifest in various environments such as…

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#boundaries #emotional abuse #emotional well-being #healing #home environment #overcoming abuse #recognizing abuse #school environment #self-care #self-worth #support #work environment

[ofswordsandpens]

"the Gabe and Sally dynamic in the show is abusive" and "the way they've portrayed Gabe in the show is distinctly different from his book counterpart and fans can criticize that" are two discussions that can coexist

#I understand that this is hard topic to navigate #but me saying that /they've changed Gabe and that's consequently altered the dynamic he has with Sally in way I don't like/ #is NOT me saying I don't think what they've portrayed onscreen is non-abusive #or that I WANT to see him abuse her??? #its just the guy in the show while clearly controlling and abusive (emotionally and financially so far) #...I don't believe he's the guy who's presence was so horrid and disgusting MONSTERS avoided him #I wouldn't call him /Smelly/ #in the book his abuse (all forms) is much more overt #(and just to be painstakingly clear: abuse doesn't have to be overt to be abuse) #but the guy in the show does not have the same presence as the guy in the book #book Gabe is menacing #he growls and he threatens and both Sally and Percy have developed very specific responses to deal with it #I've seen one take saying that people can't recognize the abuse in the show because its not physical (yet?) #but even disregarding the physical abuse entirely #if you compare the book scene and TV show scene of Percy arriving home and he and Sally readying for Montauk #there is a pretty stark difference in tone #and in how both Sally and Percy interact with Gabe #in the book Sally goes out of her way to avoid /provoking/ Gabe and asks Percy to do the same until they can leave for Montauk #and Gabe is just itching for any excuse to keep them home #and imo if Book Sally had said the things that show Sally did to Gabe #Gabe wouldn't have let them gone! #and again im not saying that the show's depiction is nonabusive #or unrealistic #im saying its simply /different/ than the book #and im upset that it doesn't feel like dynamic depicted the book #and no book sally is no simpering wilting flower #but she's also not what they depicted in the show either #pjo adaptation #sally jackson #pjo

[wormieapple]

please understand that i will never and can never condone John Winchester’s actions but some of y’all really don’t understand what “he did the best he could” means.

he neglected and at the very least emotionally abused his kids, and there’s a pretty good argument that he might’ve physically abused them as well. he isolated them, prevented them from forming any lasting relationships outside of immediate family, left them alone for days if not weeks on end with firearms and very little food. And that’s not even the half of it. and everything he did was a manifestation of grief and drive to protect his family. which does not in the slightest justify how he treated sam and dean, but it does lay out his morals and motives pretty clearly.

He loves his kids, he really does. and while struggling to deal with his own trauma he was doing everything he could in his mind to keep them safe. but that doesn’t make his best enough, not by a long shot. that doesn’t even make his best efforts good efforts. at the end of the day he abused his kids and royally fucked up their ability to cope with their own grief and trauma in ways that i cannot touch with a 10ft pole rn or i’ll be writing 57 essays right here and now.

and again i hate john just as much as the next person but he did not set out to abuse his kids. he didn’t have nefarious intentions when it came to how he raised his kids. he was a good person who turned into an abusive asshole due to grief, paranoia, and alcoholism. and it makes perfect sense that sam and dean still love him even if they recognize the damage he did to them. because they also know how hard their dad tried, and they’ve said as much several times. and i get it cause that’s how i grew up. my dad did everything he could despite his grief, despite his depression, despite working 14 hour days in poverty and homelessness, and he still neglected and emotionally abused me. not because he was a bad person, but because he had no tools to deal with everything he was going through. and his best wasn’t enough, his best failed me. and i still love my dad cause not every memory was bad, and he does truly love me and my siblings. And i’m lucky in a way that sam and dean never were because my dad recognized where he failed us, owned up to what he did and tries everyday to repair the damage he did.

I have closure, and that’s something sam and dean could never really have. but they do have the clusterfuck of emotions that is he tried his best and it wasn’t enough.

#one last one from the drafts #yall are seriously missing the reason y sam and dean’s relationship to their dad is so devastating by only saying fuck john winchester #and it shows #john wasn’t a monster he was a person and if u don’t recognize that via demonizing him u run a genuine risk of becoming the kind of person- #he was. because that’s exactly how john thought of his own father and how he treated the boys stems directly from that. #cw abuse #spn #supernatural #dean winchester #sam winchester #john winchesters a+ parenting #john winchester

[mikakuna]

tell him, harley <3

#someone finally recognizing jason's abuse-filled life and it's a villain #i wish we could see more of jason and harley :( #they'd get along with their shared hatred for joker #and the fact that they're both abuse victims #jason todd #red hood #batman #harley quinn #harley quinzel #dc

[uncanny-tranny]

Passing as a trans man is a nuanced and complex topic, but one thing I have been noticing as somebody who is a cis-passing (white) trans man is the way I'm treated when there is conflict.

I've noticed that in conflict, people are almost meek around me, willing for me to try working with them up until a woman is involved. When a woman (or, really, anybody who the other party assumes is one) is part of the conflict, they direct all their anger and rage to them. It's fucking insane the way a woman is treated when there is conflict, even if it isn't her fucking fault. These people are fundamental cowards for seeing my manhood as the only reason they can't be openly hostile to me, but it reveals a lot about how a misogynist thinks on an almost primal level.

I'm watching the women and people around me I care about being torn apart by people, and that's unacceptable. I can't sit around to watch it, and I don't want to do that. I need other people to perhaps read this and remember to not stand by if there is something that you can tangibly do to help, even if it's to lend a listening ear or let the person vent.

#feminism #misogyny #misogyny tw #before writing this i was worried about my blood pressure because i'm fucking angry #i hate the way cowards will look at me and see a man and be scared of me until they see a woman they feel strong enough to abuse #and i have faced my own experiences with misogyny and abuse now that i have transitioned and am recognized as male... #...like i had NEVER been catcalled until i medically transitioned. and now that i'm much more male i have been catcalled MULTIPLE times... #...which is why this topic is nuanced and complex and i hate this idea that we can bulldoze it down flat to 'make it make sense' #i want to always believe in people but i'm not a fool. i am not willing to stand around and just pretend like this shit doesn't happen #i WATCH this shit happen. i WITNESS it and HEAR it and i try to find some way to help the woman and/or person in question #and i know there's this aspect of white privilege in this where my white manhood is seen as a lesser threat #i can absolutely imaging a Black or otherwise MoC trans person not being given this level of grace from the get-go #i'm angry right now and i hope that my words are making sense. i want to address as much as possible but i'm sure you understand

[visenyaism]

this particular paragraph has stuck with me since i read it. recontextualizes everything. joffrey as the aggregate of a thousand thousand acts of violence every single one of which he has seen an adult in his life be rewarded for. and joffrey as an open wound. and joffrey as little boy who wanted to make his father proud of him so he opened up some poor thing’s ribcage and stole its babies because when robert did this they called him a king and they called him a husband and a father. and joffrey as a little boy who got hit so hard the other adult in the room thought he died. and joffrey who gets remembered in this moment by his uncle who concludes from this story that maybe it is a good thing he got violently murdered after all because maybe there was just something inherently wrong with him. just heartrendingly bleak all around

#cw child abuse #asoiaf #stannis cant see it even in the brother he hates because that would require him to recognize society as abusive #oh also dw he has a brother to put into the meat grinder after him

[furiousgoldfish]

I distinctly remember the times in my young childhood, when I would be somewhere out with my parents in public, and I understood that I was about to have a 'normal' experience. I knew they were unlikely to snap or injure me in a public space, so I'd be allowed to act curious, to walk around, not annoy them with questions, but I could smile and interact with strangers, and they wouldn't get mad. I would liven up and get really happy and try to get the most out of it, one time I even tried to hold my parents hands (I was very small) and they pulled their hands away (I took it too far apparently). I had a great time having those 'normal' experiences, for me they were the only normal I got, and I would hold onto those memories and believe that surely, we were a normal family, I was a child, I had two parents, they were surely taking care of me.

Going home, however, would open up deep dread and sadness inside of me, because I knew things would change as soon as we were inside those 4 walls. They would get mad at me, yell and criticize me, berate me for anything they found annoying earlier, and shout at me until I would be too scared to leave my room. Going home eventually became associated with having a nervous breakdown in the car (silently, of course) and I would be swallowing tears until we reached the house.

I understand now, that the 'normal' times I would get, were the times where they needed to present in public as a normal family, so I was supposed to act like a normal child. I was required to act normal. I understood there was to be zero symptoms of abuse shown in public, and I could not act weird or avoidant, I had to showcase that I was energetic, curious, and happy child.

Since normal and non-hostile family relationship was all I needed, those pretend times seemed real to me, they were essential for me to have a 'normal' experience, to believe that my family is real, that we're okay, that I have parents who to some degree, care about me. Those experiences helped me to believe that. But the spell would be broken as soon as we got home because - my family was abusive. And they felt very free and comfortable to turn back to abuse as soon as we were inside of their house, where they didn't have to pretend they didn't hate me.

If you have experiences with your family that felt good, normal, and like you were getting what you needed for a while - but this spell got broken as soon as you were alone with them, or as soon as they had a bad day, or were frustrated, or angry about something, or as soon as you made a tiny mistake, or annoyed them, there's a chance the normal part was an act to protect their reputation. Good times are not the proof of 'not abusive', they're always there, even the most abusive situation has good times, otherwise nobody would have reason enough to stay.

#child abuse #recognizing abuse #emotional abuse #abusive parents #traumatic childhood #the good times in abuse #bonding moments with abusive parents #mostly in public where abusing a child would make them look bad #sometimes they do privately do something nice when they notice you're aware they absolutely hate you #and they can't have that #they need to have you be naive and thinking everything is for your own good #psychological abuse

[moonlit-positivity]

The thing about mental health & healing that no one ever really acknowledges, is that you can have all these coping skills thrown at you. You can have all these resources listed out. Warm line and hotline numbers out the ass for who to call when you're feeling suicidal.

But there's never ever ever gonna be a way to provide you with the comfort and support of eradicating what has already happened to you in the past.

Like the concept of "give me a fucking time machine so I can go back and prevent it from happening and/or do it better this time."

It doesn't really matter how much you shove breathing techniques into someone's face. If there is never any acknowledgement of the fact that your past exists? That your inability to breathe right now is actually valid? Or have the time and space to even acknowledge that you're suffocating to begin with? To even know that it's okay to be angry and upset and to not cope very well at all? To know that this isn't your fault? Because someone else has robbed you of your entire life?

Then what is the point?

There is an awareness that needs to happen before the true deeper understanding begins, and that awareness is that what you went through wasn't your fault. It wasn't actually supposed to happen like that. You weren't actually supposed to go through that at all. The adults and the people around you should have given you better than what you got.

But if you never get that type of awareness? If you're still being abused and manipulated and surrounded by people who don't care to even ask what you're going through? The what the fuck is breathing gonna do in this scenario. What the fuck is the point of the coping skills and the resources if there is no personal acknowledgement from yourself and others you're trusting that there is even a need to use them to begin with?

You cannot do this type of damage to yourself. You do not do this type of damage for no reason. People will expect you to automatically know that & get with the program right away. But it's like, no, that's not even REMOTELY close to how this works.

You need your humanity restored before you can even begin to trust that youre standing on a solid ground. You've been beat & abused & gaslit by so many people in your life, and now the concept that "you need to take care of yourself" is basically like you just belly flopped into a pool of water.

It stings.

And it stings because first of all, if you had known all of this from the start then we wouldn't even be here, would we? If your parents/abusers had never abused you, you would never even need to use the coping skills and deal with this massive amount of trauma to begin with!

But it also stings because then you start to realize, "oh, oh wait a minute. Oh okay, I finally get it now," when you finally start to understand that oh wait, this is actually kinda fucked up and I've been subconsciously acting on my survival instincts because of it. Suddenly you get thrust into understanding the deeper nuances of everything, everywhere, from every corner and direction.

And there's a lot to dissect here.

You've got your own childhood trauma. Your own parents bullshit has built up so far & deep down inside to the very core of your identity constructs and knowing that everything in you breaks with each passing second.

You've got your shitty abusive family system, your asshole siblings shitting all over you, your asshole relatives invading your space to triangulate on behalf of Those Who Cannot Get The Fuck On.

You've got the gaslighting & manipulation & indoctrination to give a flying fuck, because you love these motherfuckers. What the fuck.

Youve got your own shitty coping skills that are born out of survival & primal instincts. God bless you if you have an addiction of some sort.

Youve got no way of even knowing or understanding what the fuck is happening. Therapy? Lets not pretend that not even 60 years ago "mental health" was still being used as a modern day torture device. Oh wait no that's still happening today too!

You've got stigmatized mental health practices demonizing personality disorders that stem directly from traumagenic symptoms, ill informed & abusive therapists who thrive off of using their authority to induce shame and humiliation knowing good and goddamn well that the reason these symptoms exist is because of, yep you guessed it, 🎉childhood trauma🎉

Youve got a huge lack of mental health for minorities, POC, Asians, lgbt+, just to name a few.

You've got so few therapists that offer focalized services for things like religious trauma, cult & ritual abuse, & other very specific types of trauma, because they're so far & few in between.

You've got the huge lack of awareness in society from recognizing what boundaries & abuse even is, so much so that the only readily available resources for people to come across are pop psychology blogs that romanticize empathy and demonize NPD by grouping every single abuser that's ever existed and labelling them as a narcissist.

You've got very little resources that exist outside of therapy in itself and it's such a scrounge to gather up any and all self help you can possibly find if you cannot afford therapy.

And then you've got to deal with your own life staring back at you at the end of the day. You're traumatized, things are happening inside of your brain and body that you have absolutely no fucking idea what the fuck is happening. You've grown up from that scared little child to now a fully repressed adult filled with fear so deep you're clinging onto relationships and people out of fear that they will leave you stranded and abandoned just like your childhood did. All the while now people around you are getting pissed the fuck off because they don't fucking know. They don't fucking know what you've been through or how it feels to be inside your head. And they're expecting you to be a more fully fleshed out & functioning adult than what you can give them.

And it's never fucking pretty! It's arguments, it's obsession, it's control issues & power dynamics, it's unfocused & repressed anger that gets turned into rage, it's projections, it's staying silent and letting the resentments build, it's the inability to speak, the inability to communicate, the inability to talk about the hard & difficult & uncomfortable. it's all these horrific little tidbits of everything all at once.

It's a fucking nightmare trying to regain any sense of anything at all.

You can't really just snap your fingers and fix all of this shit. Even if you wanted to, even if you dig in real hard and learn and absorb all the fucking coping skills out there. The thing no one ever talks about, is how much time is needed to fully sit with and process every last single fucking thing that has ever happened and what is continuing to happen before you can finally figure out how to handle it.

People be so ready to forget that part. Therapists, friends, family, even ourselves. We just wanna rush right through and get to the end fucking result.

Who the fuck is there while you work it out? And what does your process look like right now, right here and now and in this moment? And who or what do you have in your life that can reaffirm your humanity while you sit with the horrors of your past & work it out? And how open and receptive are you to knowing what you went through was abuse and that eventually you're gonna have to leave this concept of going back in time to get a better fucking outcome?

That's probably a good thing to sit with and think about.

🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸

Hope this helps

🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸

#recovery #ptsd #trauma #mental health #boundaries #healing #healing thoughts #bpd #npd #stigmatized #stigma #personality disorders #abuse #recognizing Abuse #childhood trauma #self awareness #self improvement #self inspection #self worth #self esteem #advice #life advice #codependency #trauma awareness #trauma informed #anti-psych

[thatineffablewitch]

Feeling angsty about the Angel again…

Aziraphale was horrified to give Crowley holy water. He wouldn’t hear of it, he was terrified at the thought of Crowley using it. He didn’t want to give Crowley “a suicide pill,” in his own words.

He was always terrified what Hell would do to Crowley throughout history. If Hell found out they’d been consorting and fraternizing…“They’ll destroy you.”

He was holding onto Crowley in Edinburg, totally and hopelessly in love having watched Crowley display more kindness and compassion and self-sacrifice than any angels Aziraphale knows, when Hell quite literally ripped him out of his arms.

He fell in love with Crowley the moment he met the Starmaker. Even then, he warned Crowley of the dangers of questioning God. Aziraphale has always just wanted Crowley to be okay, to be safe.

Think about it… Aziraphale met Crowley Pre-fall. Aziraphale wanted to keep Crowley safe even back then, “word to the wise,” and couldn’t protect him. He saw or heard about the Fall—one day Crowley was there, the next Aziraphale is hearing (or worse: watching) him be cast down to this new place full of unspeakable and terrifying horrors called Hell. Crowley’s fall was obviously traumatic for Crowley and the fandom does a wonderful job acknowledging that, but how traumatic is it to watch someone you love Fall? To be totally helpless in that scenario?

To watch this beautiful creature be cast out and labeled as unforgivable, to hear them accept that and start calling themselves unforgivable when you never thought they did anything to warrant a need for forgiveness in the first place. “I knew the Angel you were.” I know you didn’t deserve any of this.

All he has ever wanted is for Crowley to be ok, to be safe. I read another meta where someone said Aziraphale purposely made the Bentley “our car” so Hell couldn’t pop in and grab Crowley anymore (property of an Angel + Shax couldn’t pop in anymore = safety), and told Crowley to watch the bookshop since he’s safe in there. Honestly I wouldn’t put it past Az to think that far ahead (he is intelligent and gayer than a tree full of monkeys on nitrous oxide).

These are a lot of half-baked ideas but I hope y’all see what I mean: Aziraphale wants Crowley safe because he has loved Crowley for 6,000 years, and in turn worried about Crowley for just as long. He just wants to take care of his love but the current systems of power in place make that utterly impossible and I think that breaks his heart every single day. I think the worry has been eating away at Aziraphale for 6,000—having such constant real and intense fear for your loved ones well-being is traumatic.

#So when the Metatron says Crowley can be an Angel and go with Az to Heaven? #Of course Az is excited #In his mind Heaven is still much better than hell #He hasn’t acknowledged the covert abuse/cruelties of heaven yet #He just sees the overt abuse of hell #And in a way #That’s so tragic too #He sees the opportunity for Crowley to leave hell but doesn’t realize it would be trading one prison for another #He’s hopelessly in love #And a GUARDIAN #He is a PROTECTOR #Of course his love language is keeping his loved ones safe #He’s just been so mind fucked by heaven that he doesn’t recognize what “safety” actually is #Good omens meta #aziraphale meta #good omens #aziraphale #go meta #aziraphale defense squad #aziraphale loves crowley #aziracrow #good omens angst #ineffable spouses #My post

[heteromerous-rhyming]

i think that i've figured out why i don't like show sally.

ok like don't get me wrong, virginia kull?? she ATE with that interpretation. her acting?? amazing. like i could truly get the core of her character.

it's just that i don't like the character the writers give us.

cw: discussion of abusive relationships, of toxic family dynamics, probably a good bit of generational trauma. I don't really get into details except with stuff shown on the show and written in the books but i wanted to be safe.

as someone from an immigrant household, as someone whose mom works a part time minimum wage job, as someone whose seen and been there as my parents fought, i just really really dislike sally's portrayal in the show. and it's partly because of poseidon and partly because of gabe (mostly because of her character in general but yeah, lets get the men out of the way first)

I feel strongly about poseidon in his relationship to sally very specifically. i don't mind his relationship to percy either books or show. but it's pretty damn clear to me that this show was written by someone who's never experienced sally's situation, of being the single working parent with an absentee partner (or in gabe's case a partner who literally ahHHHHHh). because from the beginning, from sally's reaction and snark to gabe, I felt like something was wrong or off, and it was Specifically the show because i read the books and i watched (some) of the musical and i never felt that way towards either of those. i'm not saying that my family situation is sally's (don't have a god for a father for one), but. by all accounts sally knows that this is an abusive relationship, the only reason that she's with gabe is because of the protection he offers percy. i have to assume that this is true because sally jackson turning gabe to stone is something i'm assuming is staying in the show, and i remember this being mentioned by grover? or someone in the first few episodes. and the cord that struck in me was not the traditional (that is, visible, defined, i don't like this word but i don't have a better one) abusive relationship but relationships in my community, of women staying with husbands because of their children, women outright saying this, women who know the world is cruel to single women and to single mothers specifically. sally, to me has never been under any illusions that gabe is any sort of relationship material. she has never been under any illusions that poseidon would be able to help in any way.

and that crux of sally's relationships made her first scene in the show all that more jarring. but it's not anything specifically that i can put a finger on. and maybe i'm wrong for this or maybe i'm expecting too much. but. sally doesn't have the resentment or the quietness or the bitterness or even the loudness that i expected. you have been the only true caretaker for your child, the only one in the house that really puts food on the table and on top of that is expected to do emotional labor? to cook and clean or at least pick up the food?

but she treats gabe like he's an annoyance. someone to brush off. and you see the manipulation tactics from gabe, you do, but.

its not that i want sally's spirit to be crushed. my mother's spirit wasn't crushed. the women in my community, they laugh, they cry, they watch silly tv shows, they have lives that they live, and in many cases they live well.

but the women that i know are also angry. they are either on fire or they used to burn. when they banter with their partners it often turns ugly because they are tired of the same damn argument day after day, because often the trivial things that are asked are compounded and compounded and compounded because you live in the same house, there is no escape, there is no private space, not really.

it's new york and sally works a job to support an apartment and her family. they are not well-off. sally has no support network we can see, and how could she? poseidon mentions that she has no one to talk to about these things, her parents are clearly out of the picture. all this to say. there is a certain understanding of class that exists within the books that was excised, i believe unknowingly, from the show, and it is the worse for it. there is a tiredness, a worn-down-ness from being low income that sally had in the books, but in the show i only see a struggling first time single parent. i don't see the complexity of a woman who literally gave up on finding a fulfilling relationship to be with a man for her child. i don't see the complexity of a woman working fulltime and still getting demanded from at home. and i didn't realize that I wanted to see that until I saw the show. i didn't realize that that was what i loved about the books.

i hate that they tried to bring poseidon back into sally's life as this perfect man who through cosmic forces can't help. i hate that sally calls him, i hate that he says he'll listen. but most of all i hate that sally just accepts him, falls into him. it's really hard to be a mother when your partner doesn't seem to help you parent in any way, even if he cannot help you. he's a greek god, there's no way in hell that he can begin to understand the lengths that sally has gone through to sacrifice and survive, the very human things that she's done. sally in the books thinks of poseidon as a sweet memory, almost a fairytale, and it's clear that this story is the one that brings her comfort. poseidon is a one night stand, a sweet stranger, she understands he's not coming back. but this poseidon comes when sally calls, and that i cannot believe. i cannot believe that she still thinks of him as the fairytale man, that she accepts him so easily if there isn't that distance. i cannot believe that there is no resentment, that she still puts faith in him as her god (the first episode when she talks about him just felt so wrong to me) if he's not a memory, but a recurring figure. this is not a story of star-crossed lovers, sally feels too real as a human being for that.

sally finds trust, finds contentment, in the books after percy leaves home, after she no longer has to put up with gabe for his safety. she does not find poseidon again. she marries a human man, a very ordinary human man who cares for her. poseidon visits after she is in this relationship and its an amicable one. he is percy's father but also distant memory all in one. sally has the strength to survive a terrible relationship and still find a way to heal and live fully after that.

but the anger. the fire was there. she turned gabe to stone. she reclaimed her life with her two hands.

you don't kill a man for no reason. you don't kill a man without emotion.

but it's that reason and that emotion that i don't get from the writer's room. and it just makes me deeply sad.

#probably got a bit too personal with this one boys #but i needed to get it out #because i realized i recognize sally's situation #percy jackson #pjo tv show #percy jackon and the olympians #pjo show crit #adding tags bc i feel like i should explain #sally and poseidon are characters that have consistent (relatively despite my gripes with poseidon's) characterization #i don't like them for personal reasons partly #and partly bc they got rid of most of the gabe shittiness #and class critique #ofc #lol #but these are just my opinions #this isnt a specific critique of the show's writing #it's more of a critique of what themes they chose to keep in and the nuance that they missed by not keeping those themes #riordan literally says they toned down the abuse (if not eliminating it entirely) and i get that to an extent #but i think there are ways to address abuse in children/teen's tv shows #anywhoooooo #.

[demeterdefence]

i want so badly to like this scene because on the surface it has so many elements that could have and might have worked if they were implemented any differently but god it's still such a surface level display of a plot that's been hanging around since season one.

like yeah, she would be! persephone has not seen her rapist since he threatened to expose the photos he took of her during the assault, and it caused her to break down and run away. she knows he's manipulative, she's seen first hand how apollo has warped and twisted so many people to hide his crime, she knows he's powerful and dangerous. even surrounded by so many other people, the nineteen year old girl who was asleep in her bed is still terrified of apollo.

i have zero issue with this part - in fact, i really sympathized with persephone here. the idea of not only having to play nice with your abuser, to pretend to give them an ounce of respect or kindness they do not deserve, but knowing they are not sorry for what they did, knowing they want still to hurt you in some way? you can be queen of the underworld or the mortal realm or of all the gods, and that is still a horrifying prospect.

but then we run into this:

and it's not a bad sequence, or a problematic one; the issue is that persephone has not done any of the work to get to this point.

and by work, i'm talking about therapy, about sitting down and talking to someone about this on her own terms. she had one therapy session where her assault was tacked into the last five to ten minutes of the session; there is no indication she's ever gone back. she's been confronted on her assault - hades, hera, artemis, eros, and hermes have all found out about it without persephone telling them, or wanting to tell them, and hephaestus is aware (which it seems persephone does not know) because he deleted the photos of her assault. hera and hephaestus literally saw her assault in those photos. all of those people and instances are outside of persephone's control; she has never, not once, told any of her friends or her husband of what happened to her of her own choice. in at least three of those instances, she had to comfort the other person who is finding out about her trauma.

and that leads to another issue, which is that persephone has categorically refused to bring apollo to justice. in the past, when apollo had leverage over her, and she was still coming to terms with what happened to her, it was understandable that persephone didn't want anyone to know what happened. the problem is that in the time between her rape and current time, apollo has tried to kill one of her close friends, brought demeter to zeus in exchange for persephone's hand, attempted to kill the king of the gods, and is now weaponizing the deadly winter to become king. at least three members of the olympians know persephone was assaulted, including the queen of the gods. persephone has witnesses and backup and power, and she is still not using it to put apollo away.

so this promise to protect herself, to protect the nineteen year old girl who was alone with a monster - it rings a little too hollow for me. because persephone isn't protecting herself, she's running from herself. she's running from who she used to be and what she once was and what led her to that point. and as so many abuse victims can attest to, running often feels like the easiest thing, and the most protective thing. but at some point, you have to stop running, because it isn't protecting you - it's wearing you down.

persephone doesn't need to run anymore, and as much as i like to trounce this comic and all the narrative choices, i say this with a lot of compassion and remorse: this isn't protecting herself, and i want better for her.

#anti lo #anti lore olympus #abuse ment / #assault ment / #i recognize this issue hits differently for everyone #and there are likely people who do not agree and i fully 1000% understand #this is arguably a more personal take than most of my other posts so i ask respectfully that comments / tags show kindness to everyone #this plot obviously has a LOT of elements and issues i hate and scream problematic #but honestly this scene just made me really sad #like girl ... why are you alone when you call him :( #and to depict apollo as half dressed in some kind of weird sultry vibe #like they're on equal flirtatious ground #man ...

[plutonicbees]

impulse '95 is a really good comic run bc the homies r just out here having mommy issues

#its good for other reasons too and all #but the way the series portrays complex familial relationships strikes something within me fr #thinking abt preston recognizing the generational cycle of abuse w his mom and just being relieved that nothing was his fault #there are a million things i could say abt cissie and her mom in these tags rn #but her being told 'you look like you know how it feels to have someone put you down all the time' in her first appearance sticks w me #bart who looks just like his mom but barely gets to spend time with her or know much about her #do u think he ever just looks in the mirror and remembers what it felt like to be called sunshine #bart allen #impulse #dc comics #cissie king jones #preston lindsay #impulse 1995 #meloni thawne

[aro-culture-is]

Aro culture is wanting to scream at your friend to just dump their hateful racist asshole boyfriend, while at the same time knowing that they won't listen to you because they are in love and apparently, that erases their ability for critical thinking

While also not saying any of that because it would be rude

A "hateful racist asshole boyfriend" sounds ripe for a situation in which your friend could be dating someone actively grooming them for domestic abuse.

In those cases, individuals often already have poor boundary control, and it's not the critical thinking actually missing: it's the security that creating boundaries doesn't mean losing someone who they feel cares about them. Judgements on their ability to "think clearly" are both misplaced and encouraged by the abusers, as worsening self esteem leads to an abuse victim seeking comfort... often from the abuser.

I think it's very, very important to recognize that the best thing you can do for them is to be there, continually reaffirm that they can always tell you anything, and rather than pressure them to break up... ask them to tell you about the relationship. You can guide them to red flags, but also try to present possible communication elements. There are guides online by great resources talking about how to best support these conversations.

And, of course, it's always possible it is simply that your friend actually is racist and they put up with the behavior because of that. It's not hard for some bigots to find an in through less overt bigotry. But I strongly encourage folks to realize that "in love with no capacity for critical thought" is a very dangerous warning sign that someone may be unable to recognize healthy boundaries, and worse - to recognize unhealthy boundaries.

#Anonymous #aro culture is #aro #aromantic #actually aro #actually aromantic #ask #mod phoenix #advice #abuse cw #basically the communicate or break up discussion should only happen if there is recognition that something is wrong #before that you have to understand that you can guide them towards noticing problem behaviors... but there are a lot of people #who have never learned healthy boundaries or relationships #and for whom the discussion is going to necessarily begin with gently reaffirming that they are allowed to have boundaries #or - in some situations - starting from allowing them a space to explore for quite possibly the first time... what they want and don't want #maybe that's in the context of relationships and will lend itself quickly to learning about how liking/disliking can mean something #like the necessity of communication or boundary setting #but it's also very possible that they may need to begin with understanding alexithymia and learning to name those emotions #this doesn't mean that this work falls on you by necessity... but it really pays to recognize that people are irrational for a *reason* #and that reason usually is not knowing another way to respond or not having the capacity to respond another way #in that moment or in general

[badlywrittenfilth]

Imagine being so blissed out, so far down the goon hole that you let your followers force you to post a face pic; the men bully you, and your fellow sluts encourage them to be meaner, and you to just give in.

Imagine the rush of emotion and validation as the likes, and comments flow in - completely drowning out the whisper of concern and discontent as you watch the reblog count climb higher...and higher...and higher. It was one thing when you were just exposing yourself to your audience friends, but now it's two audiences. Four. Eight. Sixteen. Thirty-two...

Unfortunately for you, you just can't bring yourself to do anything to take it down, or ask people to stop spreading it; the dopamine hit of acceptance and praise is scaling exponentially, and is far more powerful than reason.

Imagine going in for an interview for a job you desperately need, and the interviewer addresses you by your tumblr handle.

Imagine how the bottom would just drop out of your stomach. How you would panic, deny it, maybe you'd even act offended? Imagine how your defiance would crumble as he slowly pulls out his phone and compares your face against your top post.

Imagine how pretty you'd look as you slide out of your chair, onto your knees, and he starts to explain the new role you've actually come to apply for, and the tears start to flow as you realize you don't have a choice. After all, you need this job.

#corruption kink #abuse k1nk #training #condescending #imagine #pink text #recognized