#abusive parents

[furiousgoldfish]

Abusive parents will go 'Oh yeah? Well I had it worse! My parents were bad!' and it's like, Oh? We can acknowledge that your parents were bad? You can say that? You can say they treated you very badly? You know this and are aware of this?

And yet, when raising your own child, you used their methods and decided that you are the victim here? That it's okay because they've done it 'worse'? You're comfortable telling your children that they're paying for however you've been treated, and that you specifically had your children to expose them to all of the bad things that happened to you? The world feels fair to you if your own children are suffering? That's where you take your power?

Your parents were bad and you know this, so you went ahead and became a bad parent on purpose, and you're thinking you're the victim in all this?

#abusive parents #feeble excuses #if you know your parents were bad then you know they treated you bad #so by logic you would not use the same measures to raise your own kids while whining how you had it worse #nobody believes you btw #you don't even know what your children are going trough and what environment they're exposed #they're growing in a different world than you were raised in #what you do to them will feel different from what's been done to you #but you don't care about all that do you #you only care about having those 5 simple words to excuse everything you've done #i've had it worse #anyone in the world can have a traumatic time living in this world #and none of it gives them the right to take it out on children #children are not sacrificial altairs to make people feel better about their past #children are the future and you are taking that future away from them #disgusting victim blaming mongrels

[vaor]

things i wish i had known when i escaped my family household and couldn't ask my parents for help

invest in a good mattress early on. there are many other ends you can save on - sleep is not one of them. this is key to how much energy you'll have throughout the day

you don't need a bedframe but you do need a slatted bed base (even if it's just pallets)

opening a bank account is easy

there's youtube tutorials for everything. how to install your washing machine, how to use tools, fixing stuff around the place. channels like dad, how do i? are a godsend

change energy provider as soon as your old deal runs out. you'll get better offers elsewhere and avoid price gouging

assemble a basic first aid kid at home: painkillers, probiotics, alcohol wipes, bandages, tweezers, antihistamine tablets - anything you might need in a pinch

and an emergency toolkit: flashlight, extra batteries, a utility knife, an adjustable wrench, multi-tool, duct tape

set your fridge to the lowest temperature it can go. the energy consumption is minimal in difference and it'll give you +4/7 days on most foods

off-brand products are almost always the same in quality and taste, if not better, for half the price

coupons will save you a lot of money in the long run

there's no reason to be shy around employees at the bank/laundromat/store; most people will be happy to help

vegetarian diets are generally cheap if you make food from scratch

breakfast is as important as they say

keep track of your budget in a notebook or excel file - e.g. rent, phone and internet bills, food, leisure so you'll have an overlook on your spending over the months

don't gamble

piracy is okay

stealing from big stores and chains is also ethically okay

keep medical bills and pharmacy receipts for tax returns

also, file your tax returns early

take up a hobby that isn't in front of a screen. pottery, music, going for a run every now and then, stuff that'll keep you busy and sane

and most importantly... you're allowed to get the stuff you want. treat yourself to the occasional mundane thing. a good scented candle. a bath bomb. that body lotion that makes you feel like royalty. the good coffee beans.

you're free and you deserve to be happy.

#going from being denied basic knowledge to becoming independent over night was wild lmao #but here i am #four years later #doing pretty good #maya screams into the void #moving out #abusive parents

[neuroticboyfriend]

Abuse has a goal behind it, and a lot of the time, it's about changing the victims behavior. If someone screams at you for not doing X activity, eventually you learn to do X activity. If someone hits you when you defy them, eventually you learn not to defy them. If someone abuses you frequently enough, and you begin to break down to their will... It is possible to reach a point where it may seem like you're not being abused anymore.

They don't yell anymore because you stay quiet and do what you're told. They don't threaten you anymore because you don't voice even the slightest disagreement or need. What used to be screaming fighting arguments have become lectures at your expense. They may even praise you for doing what they want you to. And all those mundane moments - breakfast, the rare kind act - stand out more. Your perception of the relationship skews even more. It's all normal now.

And it's still abuse. It's just reached its end goal - wearing you down so badly that they don't need to overtly abuse you anymore to get what they want. All they need to do is make a joke, or complain to guilt you, or tell you want to do/not to do, etc. etc. The fact that's all it takes now doesn't make what's happening to you less severe - if anything, it means you're in much, much more danger than you could realize.

It's abuse. It's horrific. It's just not obvious anymore... and that's terrifying. You deserve so, so much better. You deserve to truly be safe - not to have your wellbeing held behind fearful compliance. That's not safety. That's not love. That's abuse. It being psychological doesn't make it less dangerous.

#messages to myself #softspoonie #abuse #domestic abuse #psychological abuse #covert abuse #overt abuse #abusive relationships #abusive parents #child abuse #surviving abuse #verbal abuse #mental abuse #mental health #trauma

[moonlit-positivity]

There is no "right" or "wrong" way to react to trauma. There is only survival. You do what you can until you can get out and get safe, and that is the only thing that should ever matter. You deserve to be respected for how you cope with your pain. But you also deserve to be respected enough to know you're worth the effort to heal and seek recovery if you so choose.

#recovery #ptsd #trauma #mental health #boundaries #healing #healing thoughts #trauma awareness #trauma informed #positivity #soft positivity #actually abused #actually traumatized #bpd #childhood trauma #recovery positivity #acoa #toxic relationships #abusive relationships #abusive parents

[one-abuse-survivor]

Abusers have human sides to them too.

When abuse, whether real or fictional, is talked about in media, one of two things usually happens. The abuser is either completely dehumanised and painted as an evil caricature, or given a tragic backstory that makes the victim feel so sorry for their abuser they end up forgiving them.

And I think this is part of why it can be so hard to believe we ourselves are going through abuse. Because when it's you going through it, you see the human side of your abuser too. You see them cry, and laugh, and overcome adversity, and be vulnerable, and feel scared and small. You see them struggle and you see them genuinely try to spend quality time with you, and you see them show the ways they love you. Sometimes, you can even see that they mean it when they say they love you.

And because we've been taught that "actual" abusers are all bad, heartless, merciless, and lacking in humanity, and everyone else is just a suffering person who hurt others because they were hurting inside, we think what we're going through can't possibly be abuse. We think we're exaggerating, or being weak, or selfish. We punish ourselves for not being more understanding of what they're going through. We convince ourselves we're making it all up and we're the monsters in our own story.

But we're not. We're just not used to acknowledging that abusers are human, and that their humanity does not negate their abuse.

If you've ever questioned your abuse because your abuser was struggling, or genuinely loved you, or was trying their best, or expressed conflicting emotions, or was abused themselves, this post is for you. I believe you. I believe what happened to you was abuse. Their circumstances did not justify their actions.

I believe you, and you are not alone.

#Abuse #Abuse tw #Abuse survivor #Abuse victim #abusive relationship #Abusive parents #Abusive family #Abusive partner #Abuse recovery #I know media does get it right many times #But not enough of them (in my personal opinion) considering how *wired* abuse victims are to believe they're not actually being abused #And if I see one more story where the victim is basically forced to empathise with their abuser and forgive and help them I WILL SCREAM

[sa-dnesss]

My home will be a home with no loud anger, no explosive rage, no slamming doors or breaking glass, no holes punched into the walls, no name calling, shaming or blackmail. My home will be gentle, it will be warm. No fear, no hurt and no worries. I may come from a broken and twisted place but I will build something whole and safe.

#tw abuse #physical abuse #abusive parents #child abuse #parental abuse #abusive relationship #abusive #toxic family #toxic parents #toxic household #emotional abuse #bad parenting #trauma #unhealthy #sad #depressed #sucidal #exhausted #tired #lonely #alone #empty #toxic mother #toxic father #upset #suicide thoughts #unhappy

[thestralboy]

Just a short break

#depressing quotes #mental illness #borderline #diagnosed #sad boy #bpd #bpd thoughts #exhausted #mentally drained #mentally unstable #sad #ftm #trans #crying #depressed #depressive #depressing thoughts #self harrrm #abusive parents #emotional abuse

[copingwithmemes]

#abusive parents #child abuse #memes #lol #humor #funny #child abuse memes #dark humor #depression #depression memes #anxiety #anxiety memes #trauma #trauma memes #ptsd #ptsd memes #mental illness #mental illness memes #toxic parents #narcissistic parents

[furiousgoldfish]

There was a time, when as a young adult, I'd be reading self-help books, in order to see if I can do something to make my life livable. Sometimes, these books would go very deep into victim blaming, and making a person believe that they can just 'manifest anything', or 'make things happen', and later I trashed all of that nonsense, but as an inexperienced person, I was all up for magical thinking, and taking advice from people who enjoyed making everything a vague concept that one can control with their mind.

Some of these books indeed, touched on parenting, and their philosophy was that parents who are bad, are simply bad because their parents were bad, which is something they love to use as their favourite excuse (i had it worse). But as a young person, how was I to know this was stupid, I believed this. The book went on to encourage the child, to try and be the parent's replacement parent, and to offer them caretaking and parenting they never had in their youth. Now, if you know how child abuse works, you'd recognize this immediately as the encouragement of parentification, making the child responsible for the parent's well being, being the caretaker instead of being taken care of, taking responsibility for the parent's actions and behaviours when the child has absolutely no control or power over it - basically bad. But, how was I to know, right. So I decided to try and take this advice, and try to see; what are my parents lacking, in the form of having their own parents?

This is where things got funny; I analyzed my parents behaviour, and realized very quickly, that what they lack is moral compass, correction of intensely selfish, irresponsible, ignorant and shallow behaviour, and if these were my children I would simply not tolerate that level of malice. My parents weren't lacking in care, they were lacking in discipline. So at that point, I, who had no income, shelter, social power, access to resources, finances, or anything else, thought I was responsible for disciplining my parents and teaching them how to 'not be evil', if I wanted to change them in normal and good people. (Completely normal and possible thing to do.)

And it's not like I had any guidance in how to offer proper 'discipline', all I knew was violence, which I couldn't do for obvious reasons, and the next thing would be scolding, yelling, guilt-tripping, criticism, making them 'feel bad' for 'doing bad things'. And that's exactly what I had decided to do. Next time my father was acting selfish, malicious, shallow and self-obsessed, I dropped him a 'This is why you don't have any friends.' line.

Now I have no idea why, but this actually got to him. He was shocked for a moment, and then started acting defensive. 'I have friends!' he insisted, and then he started listing all of the coworkers he used for his gain in the last week. 'Those are not real friends.' I decided. That had actually gotten him upset. He started listing all the things he did with those people, which were just random work transactions, and it didn't convince me at all.

Looking back, it's funny because I was so low on his hierarchy of people whose opinion mattered, he tried to kill me multiple times, he screamed inhumane slurs and insults at me constantly, he considered me less than a person, less than a thing even, but he was still so offended that anyone in the world could think he had no friends. What I had done is made him worried that his facade and public image of being well-connected and liked wasn't strong enough, and convincing me that he was all those things, was how he thought he'd fix it. He didn't even think for a second that maybe he should fix his malicious and exploitative behaviour, it was all about maintaining an image of being something else.

Obviously he didn't have any friends, because he's a narcissist, and narcissists don't make friends, they keep prisoners. I was a constant thorn in his eye because I could see trough his delusions and would regularly call him out on that, which of course then brought on violence to make me terrified of contradicting him. Because that's how they think reality is generated, if they say something is true, and nobody contradicts them, then that must be the new reality.

Anyway, I didn't try to argue with him on friends again, because it got boring and did nothing to fix his inhumane behaviour, and I didn't like interacting with him anyway. But I still find it very funny that a book that was trying to push abused children into caretaking for their parents, pushed me into trying to punish them for abuse, it was almost Matilda-like in fashion. If I had magic powers I would have changed these people (into people too scared to be evil in front of me).

#story #abusive parents #bad self help books #mention of attempted murder #child abuse #magical thinking #parentification #abusive father #trying to discipline parents #only to find out you have zero power over them #and it doesn't work anyway

[vampireink]

I will have a home one day. It will be warm, and it will be safe. It will have large windows so that it never feels like a prison. It will have comfort and light and colours, and there will be joy echoing off of each of the walls. There will be no shouting in my home. There will be no violence, no harsh words, no abuse ... it will be safe, and it will be my home.

#my thoughts #sad post #sad #tw abuse #abusive parents #abuse #toxic house #toxic parents #toxic family #toxic relationship #bad parents #parent trauma #parent issues #mommy issues #daddy issues #toxic household #toxic home #bad poetry #text post #emotional abuse #literature #poem #poet #poetry #writing #original #poets on tumblr #words #tired #trauma

[neuroticboyfriend]

abusers can love their victims. that love doesn't justify or invalidate the abuse. abuse is abuse, and abuse is never okay.

#softspoonie #abuse #abusive relationships #abusive parents #abuse survivor #abuse victim #trauma #trauma survivor #mental health

[traumatizedjaguar]

#traumacore #traumacore edit #ventcore #tw cocsa #traumatizedjaguar #tw parental abuse #abusive parents #abusive family #child abuse

[livininaburninghouse]

It is a valid response.

#childhood trauma #toxic family #abusive family #abusive household #abusive dad #abusive parents #abusive mother #abuse survivor #abusive survivors #physical abuse #emotional abuse #narcissistic abuse #tw parental abuse #tw abuse

[nothing0fnothing]

"I did my best."

We've all heard it. Usually as adults, usually when we've started to understand the fog we've been living in and want to discuss it with our parents.

It's very "I'm sorry" it's never "I wish I was different." It's always "I did my best." And at first we believe it, afterall, we were there too. We know it was hard. We know they had their own issues, we are mature now, we understand that sometimes your best isn't good enough.

But then they don't try to be better. The kids are adults. We give them the benefit of the doubt and we choose to believe them when they say that the absolute shitshow they made out of our formative years was "their best", but we can also see they're not trying to do better now.

They're still petulant. They're still angry. They're still biting and cruel. They won't say sorry. They won't accept blame. They try to tell us we were asking for it as children. They try to make us feel crazy.

We realise they're not trying their best now to be good to us, and in that we start to wonder if they ever tried their best at all.

#abusive parents #childhood abuse #raised by narcissists #parental abuse #dysfunctional family #dysfunctional household #childhood trauma #cptsd recovery #ptsd recovery #narcissistic abuse recovery #abuse recovery

[brain--rott]

i grew up thinking dying was okay as long as i did it quietly

#ethan speaks #did you want me to die mom? #it hurts mom #abusive parents #bpd #death