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corvadin · 9 months

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RPG Legends: Baldur's Gate & Beyond

Did I already post about this?

I don't think so, but if I did, I'm posting about it again because this is good info.

So as we all know, Baldur's Gate 3's been out for a little less than a week. "Wow," you say. "This Baldur's Gate 3 game looks pretty amazing." You follow up with the logical thought of "I wonder about the games that came before it? Surely a masterpiece like this must have been preceded by other similar masterpieces?"

Or perhaps you're a more frugal sort. You think to yourself, "You know, I like this Baldur's Gate 3 thing because I have excellent taste, but I'm just not up to spending $60 on a single game at the moment. But I sure would love to get into other CRPGs. $60's a lot, but $12? That's more my speed, especially if for that $12 I get not one, but SIX fantastic CRPGs."

My friends, I have come baring the solution to your woes.

For nine more days, Humble Bundle is offering the RPG Legends: Baldur's Gate & Beyond game bundle. This bundle supports Active Minds, a nonprofit organization dedicated to the promotion of mental health that, after some research of my own, hasn't done anything horrible or unethical that would make them unworthy of support (looking at you, Autism Speaks).

For $12 USD you get access to six fantastic games. I guarantee that at least one of them will scratch your CRPG itch, if such an itch exists, and consider them all to be, at the very least, very much worth investigating. More under the cut, because I'm not trying to blow up your dashboard, but I have a lot to say.

Do you want an amazing, story-rich campaign with fantastic writing, lovable companions, an abundance of content and that old-school D&D feel? Baldur's Gate 1 and 2 have you covered, down to even being based on AD&D mechanics. Great combat, a wide variety of amusing, cool, and heartwarming companions for either good or evil playthroughs, an incredible story, memorable NPCs and some of the best damn villains in gaming, I can't say enough good things about this series.

If that sounds great but you're really in it for the combat, Icewind Dale runs on the same engine but instead of using story-related companions, you're encouraged to make your own customized party to conquer the game with. If you love that old-school D&D aesthetic but you're more interested in dungeon-crawling and killing monsters, Icewind Dale was made just for you.

Maybe you swing in the other direction? The combat's okay, but you're not looking for a rich tactical experience, you want a story. You're more interested in philosophy and the nature of humanity than strategy. Guess what? Planescape: Torment is your game. Planescape: Torment is the best game I have ever read, or perhaps the best novel I have ever played. I haven't played Disco Elysium but if you're on Tumblr there's a good chance you have and I'm given to understand that they're fairly similar. The standard high-fantasy RPG tropes are absent here; you are a very abnormal protagonist on a very abnormal journey accompanied by very abnormal companions. It's a fantastic game.

(I will not lie to you, however, the combat... leaves much to be desired. Like the previous games, it uses the AD&D-based Infinity Engine, but it's simply not as good as the BG or IWD; it's clunky and ill-balanced. Planescape: Torment is very much played for its story, but damn is it an amazing one.)

"But Corvadin," you say. "These games look fun but they're, well, they're a bit old and dated for me. What the hell is THAC0? Why do I want some numbers on my character sheet to be lower and some to be higher? What's with all these weird racial restrictions on classes?"

Understandable. AD&D was weird like that, and that's part of the appeal for some people but others don't want to put up with that. Neverwinter Nights is a more modern experience based on D&D's third edition. Every class levels at the same rate, no racial restrictions, the simple "roll a die, add a modifier to it, try to beat a target number/DC" that modern D&D players are familiar with. Neverwinter Nights ships with several playable campaigns, but another crucial aspect of the game's appeal is its incredible modding community that has created many, MANY more modules, many of which are quite excellent. Neverwinter Nights: Enhanced Edition is designed to be backwards compatible with the original release's player-made campaigns, so you have 21 years of fanmade content to explore, should your heart desire it. Go nuts.

(As an aside, Jeremy Soule did all the music for Neverwinter Nights. The soundtrack is incredible.)

The games I've discussed above are all updated re-releases of games that are old enough to legally drink in America, but the Pathfiner: Wrath of the Righeous is fairly recent (2021). Now, I'm not willing to lie to you and wholeheartedly endorse a game I have not played; if none of the games above appeal to you and you're considering getting this bundle solely for WotR ($40 on Steam compared to, again, $12 for the bundle), I encourage you to do your own research to make sure it's for you. What I can say is that I have dabbled in Pathfinder: Kingmaker and loved it, and I have several years of Pathfinder 1E tabletop experience. Golarian is a great setting and Owlcat Games knows how to make a CRPG, and the system it's built on is rock-solid (if a bit arcane at times due to an abundance of content and options). It isn't definitely a great game (because, again, I have not played it and am unwilling to lie to you), but it is certainly most likely a great game and I would at the very least encourage you to check it out.

(There is one major issue regarding Wrath of the Righteous; Owlcat did attempt a little stunt involving changing their EULA to allow them to install third-party spyware on the player's PC and sell said information. This was nearly-immediately reverted after mass backlash (hence the recent poor Steam reviews), but it's definitely something to keep in mind regarding the game; I would not blame you if you were completely turned off from the game because of it.)

I do hope that some of you will find something on this list that you enjoy. I'm always eager to share the CRPG genre with others, and as much as I love Baldur's Gate 3 (and I do love it a lot), I'm almost as excited by the possibility of these old games getting some new love as well.

#baldur's gate #baldur's gate 2 #icewind dale #planescape torment #neverwinter nights #pathfinder wrath of the righteous #crpg #humble bundle #baldur's gate 3 #d&d #pathfinder

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just-a-normal-olive · 2 years

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if love is what we’re here for,

why does all the hate exist?

why do the shitty parts of life have to exist?

all the big ones that matter

and all the insignificant ones that ”don’t”

feeling lonely when you’re surrounded by support, just because you’re dying to see them again and still being scared that even that won’t help, and that you’ll have to suffer the consequences.

why don’t things magically work out in front of our eyes when we face the biggest problems of our lives?

why do we have to suffer through them and find our own ways to deal with tragedy and loss?

why isn’t there just one solution to all problems and questions?

why is everything so damn difficult?

at times you end up feeling so bad that you forget how good it feels to be happy, it doesn’t even matter anymore that it’s a possibility to be happy, you just feel like shit.

you feel like there’s nothing to be done to help, because you’ve tried to do it yourself, and you’ve tried to get help, but it still hasn’t gone away. “everything is fucked” you might think, well i’d say that i have to agree with you.

is there really a point in living? i guess there is. i’d like to think there is, it’s just so damn difficult to make sense of it that sometimes you forget that not everything has to make sense, and that sometimes you’ll be lost, and it’ll still be okay

we have to believe that it’ll still be okay, even when we’ve been under the bottom of what we thought was possible, even when we’ve felt like we’ve wanted to give up. i think that all we really have in the end is hope for a better life, or at least hope for a better time in our lives.

there are no guarantees, and it fucking sucks. there are so many restrictions in this world, glass ceilings, prejudices, different kinds of illnesses and countless other problems that everyday people deal with for literal eternity, but at some point, it’ll stop.

at some point our lives stop, whether at the hands of others, our own or preferably at the hands of nature, the only way to die that makes sense to the world.

what happens after that point is passed?

the truth is that none of us know. none of us know for sure. many claim to know though; i mean there are quite a few magic men in the sky offering you a peaceful eternity after death if you just live by their rules that they set for you thousands of years ago.

does hope even matter at that stage?

do the lives that we have led before matter after we’re gone?

all i can say is that hope matters to the living, and that the lives that we live, hopefully matter to the ones we’ve affected, for long after we’re gone on to the next thing.

i hope that the secrets of the universe will never be solved, because then everything would become simple. we’d know everything there is to know and there wouldn’t be any point in anything anymore.

the only problem with that wish is that the human thirst for knowledge and power is quite possibly the most powerful thing to have existed since the dawn of the universe.

the sheer will that us humans have to know more about the world surrounding us has lead us to becoming the most dominating species in the history of our planet, a history that we’ve ourselves made, because no other species had been capable of doing it before us.

humans are incredibly scary and complex, yet the most simple and most beautiful thing to exist.

i truly believe that we have no greater purpose, and that all of us control our own destiny.

i believe my purpose is existing and admiring the world around me while trying my best to make it a better place.

whether is succeed in that is yet to be seen, but i don’t think i’ll ever stop trying to help.

#poetry #my thoughts #my words #literature #i love you

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bytedykes · 7 months

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[ID: Four stickman memes. They are: a crying stickman laying on its back in a pool of tears, hands over its face. A stickman grabbing another's cheeks and screaming in their face. A stickman biting its own arm bloody. A red-eyed teary stickfigure grimacing and holding up a thumbs up. /end ID]

^ just finished twatf moodboard. my thoughts under the cut

genuinely so good. i am sick. i am wailing. i am going to throw up.

ok i lied it wasnt like, groundbreaking, but i did enjoy it! and it did give me new kinds of mental illness. im not typically into the "overpowered protagonist" trope at all but i feel like in this case it was more of a vehicle for the philosophy of the novel than the actual. point? im not a literature analysis person haha

i doubt i would have read this novel if it weren't by singshong. it is just generally not my thing. but im glad i did! i liked the character and i thought it was quite clever and funny, the world building was interesting (despite how overly complicated it is) and some parts made me so. oughhhbg. tearing my hair out

i also really enjoyed looking at this from a "how it compares to orv" standpoint (that's also the main reason i decided to read it). i liked seeing the "prototype" ideas in here that resemble parts of orv that were more developed/refined. and i liked the most specific messages that resembled orv's! there were a few bits regarding walls and connection that made me want to erm shrivel up and die

i guess i didn't really understand the ending but i don't think it was awful. those last 3 chapters are honestly what was worst to me, if i had stopped reading on chapter 244 i might have been happier with the openness of it. seeing all of jaehwan's friends dying and sirwen being left alone in the world was depressing as hell and didn't really feel necessary

orv is known for having everything in it and managing to pull off the most unhinged plots and details so i enjoyed seeing that same principle in twatf dsdjskks it threw a lot of things that i didnt expect at all and a lot of them were absurd but all together i think it made it work

goddd some parts just hit very close. maybe not the overall themes but some specific sections made me put my phone down and stare into space... the fall of time arc... the conversation jaehwan has with the long lived race after he's figured out the unclothing... what andersen tells him before she chooses to fight myad... many such cases

some of the criticisms for it that ive seen online are about the bad translation which is fair but i dont think that necessarily reflects the quality of the actual novel? idk the crappy translation and many typos did make it harder to read but i was still able to mostly understand what was happening and i got used to it pretty quickly. i do wish that the side characters were more developed, i was really interested in them and it felt like a lot of their development was dropped or forgotten, but i did love what growth was shown

i liked jaehwan!!! he is such a sopping wet silly guy. guy who is in the horrors forever. guy who is a billion years old but not actually but yes he is. guy who is so autism eyes incarnate. i liked him as a character and i liked following his journey even with his at times repetitive ideas and simple op solutions to everything. it was fun!

i enjoyed the characters in general, karlton grew on me for some reason lol... i liked anderson and runald a lot also... i liked how despite his identity as a lonely existence that works alone, jaehwan did actually forge so many bonds with people he met and did reciprocate them! him and yoonhwan, him hiring claire and meikal for govt positions when he became master of gorgon, him training with chunghuh, his care for runald and anderson, him verbally calling the fallbringers his friends when they reunite, even eventually his friendship with beastlain! i wasn't expecting him to make so many connections because of how set he is on doing everything alone, so i was really happy to see that he does consider them friends and isnt just coldly moving through the world alone, despite what his actions say

really liked the whole lore about [clothes]. i thought that was really cool. did not like the repeated instances of sexual harassment and pervy lines throughout the book

ive been telling people to read orv left and right, but in contrast twatf is a kind of novel that i dont think i would necessarily recommend to anyone (especially not to anyone who wasn't already an enjoyer of this genre and/or more "out there" plots in general) but i did enjoy reading it myself. however i would say that it provided some cool/valuable/fun insight into orv and singshong's writing in general so maybe i would recommend it to someone who has already read orv and wanted to expand on that

overall i did like it!!! i dont think ill be rereading it any time soon but i had fun reading and stewing over it :)

#twatf #oubghhhhh #this is not structured at all i have been writing it for an hour and need to go to bed #misc #blabbermouth tag #<- pls its been 10 months since ive used this. oh well. pretty sure its not even the right tag but im not finding the new one i never use

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strugglingcombi · 3 years

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having adhd, insomnia and being tired all the time cuz of restricting is the funniest shit

except it not funny and its going to ‘sleep’ at 6pm just to lay in bed till midnight cuz youre so tired, so you can do literally nothing else but also your mind is racing and every position you lay in is uncomfortable. your leg is bouncing and youd prolly have an easier time falling asleep if you yknow stopped doing that but if you stop youre going to explode. and you wake up the next day feeling like a zombie, doing stuff on auto and not even having the energy to do stuff you enjoy

anyway im not having a good time as of late

#eating disorder #adhd #insomnia #sorry for being incoherent but yeah im dying #i think ive been getting dizzy a Lot recently #and like the solution is simple! eat!#but uh #ill die first i think #anorexia #i guess #oh its just pathetic innit luv #thoughtposting extraordinaire

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big-oof-bi-goof · 4 years

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So there’s this meme going around with TMA fans, the whole “hello Jon” thing, but it kind of disappoints me. We, as a fandom, are capable of more. We can do better than this. We just need to Hello Jon. Apologies for the deception, but I wanted to make sure you started reading, so I thought it best not to announce myself.

I’m assuming you’re alone; you always did prefer to read your statements in private. I wouldn’t try too hard to stop reading; there’s every likelihood you’ll just hurt yourself. So just listen.

Now, shall we turn the page and try again?

Statement of Jonah Magnus regarding Jonathan Sims, The Archivist.

Statement begins.

I hope you’ll forgive me the self-indulgence, but I have worked so very hard for this moment, a culmination of two centuries of work. It’s rare that you get the chance to monologue through another, and you can’t tell me you’re not curious.

Why does a man seek to destroy the world?

It’s a simple enough answer: for immortality and power. Uninspired, perhaps, but – my god. The discovery, not simply of the dark and horrible reality of the world in which you live, but that you would quite willingly doom that world and confine the billions in it to an eternity of terror and suffering, all to ensure your own happiness, to place yourself beyond pain and death and fear.

It is an awful thing to know about yourself, but the freedom, Jon, the freedom of it all. I have dedicated my life to handing the world to these Dread Powers all for my own gain, and I feel… nothing but satisfaction in that choice.

I am to be a king of a ruined world, and I shall never die.

I believe there are far more people in this world that would take that bargain than you would ever guess. And I have beaten all of them.

Of course, this desire did not manifest overnight. When Smirke first gathered our little band – Lukas, Scott, and the rest – to discuss and hypothesize on the nature of the things he had learned from Rayner, I felt what I believe we all felt: curiosity, and fear.

But as he compiled his taxonomy and codified his theories on the grand rituals, I began to develop a very specific concern. Smirke was so obsessed with his ideas on balance, even as our fellows began to experiment and fall to the service of our patrons.

I began to worry that if one of them successfully attempted their ritual, then I would be as much a victim as any, trapped in the nightmare landscape of a twisted world.

At first, I attempted prevention, but the cause seemed hopeless. The only way to ensure I did not suffer the tribulations of what I believed to be an inevitable transformation was to bring it about myself. So what began as an experiment soon became a race.

Beyond that, I was getting older, and mortality began to weigh more heavily on my mind. How much in this world is done because we fear death, the last and greatest terror?

I convinced Smirke to work on Millbank, leading him to design it as a temple to all the Fears in equilibrium, such that my own modifications to the design of the Panopticon went… unremarked.

It. Took. Years, for the dread of the prisoners to fully suffuse the place, and I was an old man before I made my first attempt at the Watcher’s Crown, sat in the center of that colossal eye, the great ring of cells encircling me like a coronet.

It was… flawed, of course, as all Smirke’s rituals were, and none of the inmates survived as the power I attempted to harness shook the building almost to pieces, and the murky swamp upon which the prison was built consumed it.

But it left me a gift: For sat in that watchtower, I could see everything I turned my mind to.

It was a dizzying power, and one I discovered I maintained even as I found vessels to extend my life. Of course, I had to make sure the location was kept under my control while I worked on revising my plans, and so I moved the organization I had founded to assist in my research down to London, and the Institute as you know it was born.

I’ll not bore you with details of my bodies and failures through those intervening years. Suffice to say I kept busy, both planning my own next attempt, and doing my best to stymie those others who tried versions of their own.

Surely my interpretation of the Watcher’s Crown had been incomplete; there had been some element of the ritual I had overlooked.

It was not until I met Gertrude Robinson that things began to really come into focus.

You see, the role of Archivist has been part of the Beholding for as far back as my research can go. This isn’t uncommon for the Powers; most of the beliefs around them are guesswork and fallible human interpretation, but there are certain throughlines and consistencies that can be spotted, regardless of the trappings.

But Gertrude was unlike any other Archivist. She simply did not care about compiling experiences or collecting the fears of others. She was driven to stop those who served the Powers.

More than once I thought she must secretly be of the Hunt – but there was never that sick joy in her, that thrill of predator and prey. She had simply decided that this was her position in life, and went about it with a practicality that even I found disconcerting at times.

I once asked her what drove her, what had started her down that path. She told me the Desolation had killed her cat.

I don’t know if she was joking, and, to be honest, I could never bring myself to look into her mind and find out for sure.

In any case, Gertrude’s ruthless efficiency in derailing and collapsing rituals threw into stark relief a question that had been bothering me for almost a hundred and fifty years: In the whole span of humanity, why had nobody ever succeeded?

Perhaps there were a long line of Gertrude Robinsons throughout history, but I found that hard to credit. Could it be, then, that there was something in the very concept of the rituals that meant they couldn’t succeed?

She was clearly having similar thoughts in that last year, all of which culminated with the People’s Church.

When I saw that she was making no preparations whatsoever to stop it, I realized she was putting into practice a theory, and one she couldn’t afford to be wrong. She was going to wait, and see if the unopposed ritual succeeded, or if it collapsed under its own strain as mine had all hose years ago.

Knowing Gertrude, I’m sure she had a backup plan if she had miscalculated – but she had not. The ritual failed. And all at once, I realized what had to be done.

You see, the thing about the Fears is that they can never be truly separated from each other. When does the fear of sudden violence transition into the fear of hunted prey? When does the mask of the Stranger become the deception of the Spiral?

Even those that seem to exist in direct opposition rely on each other for their definition as much as up relies on down.

To try and create a world with only the Buried makes as much sense as trying to conceive a world with only down.

Every ritual tied itself so closely to a single power as to render itself impossible. They could bring their patron close, but never sever it from the others, and eventually it would be violently pulled back into the place next to reality where they dwell.

The solution, then, is simple: A new ritual must be devised which will bring through all the Powers at once. All fourteen, as I had hoped I could complete it before any new powers such as Extinction were able to fully emerge. All under the Eye’s auspices, of course. We mustn’t forget our roots.

And there was only one being that could possibly serve as a lynchpin for this new ritual: The Archivist. A position that had so recently become vacant, thanks to Gertrude’s ill-timed retirement plans.

Because the thing about the Archivist is that – well, it’s a bit of a misnomer.

It might, perhaps, be better named: The Archive.

Because you do not administer and preserve the records of fear, Jon. You are a record of fear, both in mind as you walk the shuddering record of each statement, and in body as the Powers each leave their mark upon you.

You are a living chronicle of terror.

Perhaps, then, if I could find an Archivist and have each Power mark them, have them confront each one and each in turn instill in them a powerful and acute fear for their life, they could be turned into a conduit for the coming of this – nightmare kingdom.

Do you see where I’m going, Jon?

It does tickle me, that in this world of would-be occult dynasties and ageless monsters, the Chosen One is simply that – someone I chose. It’s not in your blood, or your soul, or your destiny. It’s just in your own, rotten luck.

I’ll admit, my options were somewhat limited, but My God, when you came to me already marked by the Web, I knew it had to be you. I even held out some small hope you had been sent by the Spider as some sort of implicit blessing on the whole project, and, do you know what, I think it was.

Of course, I had to bide my time, get a measure of you before I began to push, learn how you worked – So I decided I would wait until something came for you, and see how you reacted. Attacks upon the Archives were not uncommon during Gertrude’s tenure, and, while she was always prepared, I made sure you would not be.

I reasoned if you couldn’t survive a single encounter, you were unlikely to make it through all fourteen. So, when Jane Prentiss attacked, I watched eagerly, one hand on the gas release from the start.

You acquitted yourself well enough, so I decided to see how far you would get, though I waited until the worms were in you before I pulled the lever. I needed to make sure you felt that fear all the way to your bones.

The discovery that one of the Stranger’s minions had infiltrated the Institute in the aftermath was certainly a pleasant bonus. Even if that sliver of paranoia, that vague wrongness you couldn’t quite place wouldn’t count as a mark, it was only a matter of time before it confronted you in a far more direct and affecting matter.

Admittedly, given the advent of the Unknowing, I needn’t have bothered. But what’s the old saying about hindsight?

More important to me was Sasha’s encounter with the Distortion. If it had taken an interest, then I very much wanted it to cross your path.

So I found one of its current victims and convinced her to make a statement.

Poor Helen. I actually had to put her in a taxi myself, she was getting so lost in those narrow London side streets.

It worked, though.

Between the stabbing and at least two desperate flights into its doors – you’re marked very deeply by the Spiral.

Jurgen Leitner was a surprise, of course, and I was forced to improvise. I had no idea how much Gertrude would have told him, and he could very easily have derailed everything if you learned too much too fast.

I… justified it to myself saying I was going to have to send you out into the world anyway, if you were to encounter more of the Powers, but I can’t honestly pretend it wasn’t a… rather rash move.

Still. I’d requested Detective Tonner be assigned to the case when they found Gertrude’s body in the hope that having a Hunter in the mix would eventually lead to a confrontation, and setting you up as a killer certainly hastened that.

Then it was just a matter of feeding you statements to lead you to a few Avatars I thought were likely to harm you – but probably would stop short of actually killing you.

Jude served her purpose exactly as I had hoped, as did our dearly departed Mr Crew, marking you for the Desolation and the Vast.

Honestly, I had – nothing to do with Melanie and her Slaughter adventure, but when I saw the situation, I made sure to trap her here, so when her rage bubbled over you would be right there, a ready target.

I didn’t foresee the mark coming from surgery gone wrong, but it was a very pleasant surprise.

The Unknowing was a distraction, but not an unwelcome one. For this to work, you needed more than just the marks; you needed power. And that was something the Unknowing served to test, though it posed no actual danger in the grand scheme of things.

And it did serve another purpose, of course. It inadvertently pushed you to confront death, a mark I had been very worried about trying to orchestrate. If I tried too early, you’d just die. Too late, and you might be powerful enough to see the attempt coming, and maybe even understand why.

As it was, it was just right, and once again, you came through with flying colors.

By this point, your abilities were coming along in leaps and bounds, and I was concerned that meeting face-to-face might end up with you Knowing something you shouldn’t.

I had initially planned to go into hiding, but when your colleagues surprised me with the police, well. It was simple enough to cut a deal.

All that remained, then, were the Dark, the Flesh, the Buried, and the Lonely.

I was a little put out when that idiot Jared Hopworth misinterpreted my letters and attacked the Institute too soon, before you were even out of the hospital, but then – Ho, you should have see my face when you voluntarily went to him.

I couldn’t see what happened in there, of course, but given how you came out, I’m very sure it counts as a mark.

I suspected the coffin might turn up again, and once it did, it was simply a matter of getting any, uh… restraining factors you might have had flying off on a wild goose chase, and waiting.

Honestly, Detective Tonner has been proving invaluable through this process. I’d been racking my brains for months about what I could use to lure you in.

And, of course, I knew the Dark Sun was just sitting there waiting. So when it came time, I just whipped up another apocalypse and sent you on your merry way.

Then all that remained was the Lonely.

Poor Peter. He really should have left well enough alone. Or just done what I’d asked in the first place.

Ah well. He knew what I was attempting, and was very unwilling to cooperate until I made him a little wager about Martin.

Of course, he had no way of knowing that, in addition to setting you up for the final mark, he was giving you all the tools you needed to escape from it.

How is Martin, by the way? He looks well. You will keep an eye on him when all this is over, won’t you? He’s earned that.

And there, I think, we are brought just about up to date. I have enjoyed our little trip down memory lane, but past here lies only impatience.

You are prepared. You are ready. You are marked. The power of the Ceaseless Watcher flows through you, and the time of our victory is here.

Don’t worry, Jon. You’ll get used to it here, in the world that we have made.

Now. Repeat after me.

You who watch and know and understand none. You who listen and hear and will not comprehend. You who wait and wait and drink in all that is not yours by right.

Come to us in your wholeness.

Come to us in your perfection.

Bring all that is fear and all that is terror and all that is the awful dread that crawls and chokes and blinds and falls and twists and leaves and hides and weaves and burns and hunts and rips and leads and dies!

Come to us.

I – OPEN – THE DOOR!

#tma #the magnus archives #jonah magnus

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fandomtransmandom · 3 years

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A Peek Into My Thoughts

I get messages sometimes along the lines of, "Wow! You write so much! You're so productive! Why don't you look for a real job? You could be making money off of this!" Or other things of the sort, with my providers also indicating that I should be trying to monetize my hobby regularly. Get out there. Do something real.

For that reason, I've decided to write a little something detailing my inner monologue this morning. Yeah, I crank out a frankly ridiculous amount of content. But I don't think folks understand the limitations of my mental illness, so here goes...

TW/CW for suicidal ideation, self harm, eating disorder, depression, anxiety, paranoia.

Me: Wakes up, checks phone notifications. Scrolls through Tumblr and sees a post frowning on AO3's policies.

Fuck. I shouldn't be using AO3. I'm a bad person for posting there. Should check other options, take down and republish all my stories.

Shit. Wattpad wouldn't let me post my sort of content. And ff.net seems really hard to navigate. What should I do?

Kill yourself.

No. What? That's stupid.

Do it. Do it now. Kill yourself. Easiest solution.

No dude, wtf. This is not a suicide level problem.

Do it, do it, do it. Die. Die. Die.

I'm ignoring you. Fuck that.

Okay. Then cut yourself.

No. That's idiotic.

But so simple. And you'll feel better. The blades are right there...

GTFO this is not that big of a deal.

Okay. Then punch yourself in the face.

That's a thought...

Yeah. Yeah... Just a little one. It'll be fine. No one will know.

I just need to write. Just sit down and write and you'll feel better, Dean. You always do. Come on.

But half your readers don't want this story. At least. They want a different gender. A different scenario. And this part will upset someone. Or that one. And you already fucked up that part. You're stupid. Fucking stupid. Stupid, stupid, STUPID.

Shut up. Shut. Up.

Go eat more. More. All of it.

But I'm not even hungry... I already had the muffins. The pound cake. The chicken salad. We've only been up for an hour. I'm gonna be sick.

Who cares? Do it.

I'm going to go smoke...

Nope. Can't do that. Scary outside. The neighbors can hear what you're thinking. Everyone's watching you. They know.

They k n o w.

Fine, I'll just vape I guess...

I just need to write. Then I'll feel better. It'll be okay. Just go spend time with Bill. You'll be okay. It'll all be okay.

No. It won't. Remember that person who said 80% of your work is filth? That you demean and dehumanize Bill? And shouldn't be sharing online at all? Remember? R E M E M B E R?!

But...but the hundreds of kind comments. Go look at those. Right now. Make a smart choice. Everyone is so sweet and wonderful. I have half a dozen fun and interesting requests pending from excited readers. Good things. Happy things.

That. One. Awful. Person.

No. Why always that? Why not all the praise and joy? Why can't we believe we're good at something? Anything...

Killing yourself is still an option. Just throwing that out there.

No it's not, ya fucking jag off. Okay, seriously. Taking my anxiety pill and sitting down to write.

That's going to make you fall asleep in an hour. You don't do anything. You never move. You've put on 75 pounds in a year. You're fat and disgusting and gross and--

Just shut the fuck up. Things are good right now. GOOD. Our partner is wonderful and supportive. Finally got an apartment and independence. A handful of solid friends for the first time as an adult.

And I love my writing. Even if it's veered from coping mechanism perhaps into addiction. But today, I'm going to try to sink into a world of my own design. Float away with Bill into dreamland and hope I feel better. I am okay, I will be okay.

Resources for those struggling. I apologize that many are limited to the U.S.:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Crisis Textline: Text HOME to 741741

Trans Lifeline

#personal #tw suicidal ideation #tw mental illness #tw eating disorder #tw paranoia #tw depression #tw anxiety #tw self harm #tw suicide #schizoaffective disorder #schizoaffective #i swear I'm okay this is just an average day #passive SI isn't anything to worry about for me really. I know myself well and am honest with my therapist.#if it were to become active I would seek a higher level of care #i am appropriately observed and medicated. no worries y'all.#this is simply the reality of living with SPMI #severe and persistent mental illness #now back to our regularly scheduled programming #i.e. That Big Ol' Dicque #also not trying to make anyone feel bad for encouraging me to publish for that isn't the goal.#i would very much like to. but sometimes I feel like I don't know how to explain how scary everything is all the time #all of you who believe I could really are incredibly sweet and I appreciate it so much. maybe someday

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les-mooserables · 3 years

Text

Hello, John

[AS SOON AS HE BEGINS SPEAKING, A WHIZZING STATIC KICKS IN FROM THE BACKGROUND.]

ARCHIVIST (STATEMENT)

Apologies for the deception, but I wanted to make sure you started reading, so I thought it best not to announce myself.

I’m assuming you’re alone; you always did prefer to read your statements in private. (slightly strained) I wouldn’t try too hard to stop reading; there’s every likelihood you’ll just hurt yourself. So just listen.

Now, shall we turn the page and try again?

[THE ARCHIVIST MAKES A PAINED COUPLE OF SOUNDS OUT-OF-STATEMENT-CHARACTER, AS IF HE’S TRYING TO TEAR HIMSELF AWAY FROM THE STATEMENT AND PHYSICALLY CANNOT.][WHEN HE PICKS THE STATEMENT BACK UP, THE WORDS SOUND LIKE THEY’RE BEING TORN FROM HIS LIPS.]ARCHIVIST (STATEMENT)

Statement of Jonah Magnus regarding Jonathan Sims, The Archivist.

Statement begins.

[A SLAP ON THE TABLE – OR A CRACK? SPOOKY.]

Why does a man seek to destroy the world?

It is an awful thing to know about yourself, but the freedom, John, the freedom of it all. I have dedicated my life to handing the world to these Dread Powers all for my own gain, and I feel… nothing but satisfaction in that choice.