I remember that all my life up until that point i always wanted to be 10, i thought it was gonna be the best age to be. To be older, what a nice number, waiting, all the time, "it will be better then".
I never had a more horrible year in my life.
STUCK. STUCK IN THIS PERMANENT STATE OF STASIS. NOTHING CHANGES, NOTHING MOVES, IT IS STATIC ALL THE TIME. NEVER GOING FORWARD, NEVER FEELING BETTER, NEVER GOOD, NEVER SWEET, NEVER NICE. JUST STUCK. IN THE SAME SPOT. YEAR AFTER YEAR. HOW MANY DECADES WILL BE THE SAME BEFORE THINGS GET BETTER? WILL THINGS EVER CHANGE? CAN THEY CHANGE? IS IT ALL AN ILLUTION, AM I STUCK IN A VIDEOGAME? IS THIS REAL? WHEN WILL I WAKE UP FROM THIS AWFUL NIGHTMARE? OR IS THIS ALL THERE IS? SUFFERING.
Ah… I’m getting pretty tired of my gf, tbh I never liked her, I was out of my mind when I accepted her confession.
(I like Chrollo and generally appreciate him, but his stans really scare me)
Not to be transphobic or anything, but i hate being trans?, i want to die, i want to die so badly, y'know i think, i think maybe, just maybe, the fucking christians were right, and it IS a mental illness, because honestly, fuck this shit, i dont wanna be trans, i dont want to be gay, i want to be normal, i want to be a fucking straight cis person and just free myself from all of this bullshit. This was NOT meant to be, im not supposed to be a fucking... wrong, im not supposed to be wrong, im not supposed to hate this shitty body so much, BUT I DO, I HATE IT, and i cant help it. I dont want to be any of the options available, i dont want to be a girl, i dont want to be a guy, i dont want to transition and have sexual organs that work barely how they are supposed to, i dont want to go thru all those shitty surgerys that leave you with shit ton of ugly scars, i dont even have the money to afford any of that bullshit, im just, so tired, so tired of pretending, of wanting, of NOT BEING, what i want to be, im not cis, im not hetero, im not a citizen of any of the stupid fucking countrys any of you fucking humans decide to impose on everyone, and im not even human. I dont belong anywhere, im not doing anything right, i dont know how to be human, and i feel like this is a waste of time, why live thru all the shitty 60 years of pain and suffering if, thats all its gonna be, pain and suffering.
I wish convertion therapy really worked, i wish gender reasignment had more variety and it really worked.
But they dont. And i dont have any other options.