Split
08.19.23
Thudding, dull pain is something that reminds me I am alive
The emotions course through my veins in a way some may call sadistic
Trailing along my curved spine, I mentally picture someone there
Their face is blurred to me, their hand one I know not
Words drip from my mouth as though a leaking faucet
Our main difference being that many hear the repetitive tap against the bowl
The words that spill forth convey so much, yet those who read them realize so little
If I showed this to you, would you understand?
Would you know yourself of nights spent in unholy water, trying desperately to make up your mind
One hand grasping a razor
The other your own wrist
The mental debate one you've heard so many, too many times
Would you believe me if I told you how sore my able heart beats against the bones that are used against I and every woman?
Would you listen when I ponder how said bones resemble a grasp around us, the design effective and symbolic?
And while I let these thoughts drip from my red, swollen lips that tremble and bleed from the cracks I bite into them
Could you find Aphrodite in such an unabashed display of humanity?
Would you find beauty in the way the water spirals down my hair?
Would you take care to notice, stranger, how the color sets shame to fire, beautiful even in the artifical light?
Would you see my eyes, which I long to hear described poetically, peak between too long of bangs, tears trapped in blonde lashes that do not sit evenly
And see the rage that fuels me?
Would you find beauty in my nose as one once did
His words unlike any ever spoken to me
Held in a diary I've kept, used to decode myself and others
Would you run your hands along my body?
Not in a way to bring lust into your heart
But to tell me you see me
You feel me
Would you admire me as I admire you, stranger?
A figment created long ago when it became clear to me that when I cried, no one would come
Maybe this is why God the Father has created us
Maybe he too has spent endless nights in this porcelain trap
Tapping his head against a hollow wall
Begging for salvation
Maybe he too knows not what he did
Does God also have a father that damned him?
A mother that begged him?
Is this why he chose to send his child into the gallows?
All say mercy
I say an eye for an eye
Would you look into mine and see redemption?
Would you cup my aging face and tell me I've done nothing to cause this?
Would you press your forehead against mine and whisper the thoughts I whisper to others?
"You are not broken,
You are loved.
This world feels your warmth
And will one day allow you to exist without lessons to remind of how mortal you and I are"
In my mind, this figure takes the razor and places it away
Wrapping their arms around me
Allowing me to feel the air my lungs have refused to breathe
But in reality, my fingers are pruned and the razor taunts me
I am too weak, it knows
And I stare back, begging myself to show strength and allow myself to slip away in a crimson pond
In this pond, I dare the selfish thought of maybe being worth compared to the beauty of Ophilia
Would I be an example worthy of art then?
In my mind, the stranger carefully lifts me and wraps me in cloth that soothes my tender, self admired skin
In reality, my bones feel as though knives carve away the detested excess of my body
A body my mind knows not how to view
Mentally I lay in a soft bed
Sheets and pillows surrounding me as a stranger sings sweet songs to me
Combing through my hair
They trace shapes upon my cheeks, their touch making me smile
Physically I begin to see the water lap at the drains that prevent it from overflowing
The water and stinging tears the only warmth I'll ever deserve
I exist in two worlds
I always have
Since I was a child, I knew how to balance such things as this
But as I grow older I realize there is no point in such niceties
The delusion of love for me makes my back ache more and more
It was promised to me once
It was given to me
Yet this love was not for me
This love was for an idea
Now I live in fear I am but a horrible, intrusive thought
Something my makers conjure and bat away, uncomfortable with my existence
I chant and cry
"I am worth it! I am good!"
But silence is all that echos in this small room
Eyes look but they do not perceive
I am but a paperweight
Occupying space better taken by someone other than I
I wonder who all have died to allow me to continue living
Is there a limit to those who are allowed to be?
If so, why does God continue to let me take space?
"You are worthy," the stranger tells me
"I have done nothing," I respond
"You need not do anything to be worthy" he implores
"But I do; for why should I be given rewards with no work?"
In my dreams they pull me into their embrace and remind me of how much I do
How I burn pieces of myself to keep others warm
How I let others occupy space in my mind
Thinking of ways to make them happier with me
Even those I hate, I still long to see them smile at me
I long for their praise and I long to hear laughter as they feel joy that I have caused
I do not wish to be worshipped
No, I ask for something more selfish
I ask that I bring every person I meet happiness
True, unfiltered happiness
And in return, I ask for just one human to return the warmth to me I cannot help but give
"It is not selfish to be loved."
No, it is simply damning.
Yet this damnation is my favorite sin
I crave it as one would crave water or food
I would willingly sacrifice the latter for the former
And this sacrifice, which is not truly a sacrifice
Is one that brings me joy I cannot describe
Lean on me and I will feel useful
I will go to bed that night feeling worthy of my place in this world for but a moment
For when I wake, I will crave another dose
As is only natural for an addict
But reject me and I will reject myself in a way I do not know if Eve could have comprehended when the snake seduced her as they often do me
I will remind myself that this is not fair to anyone
How I deserve the pain that thuds and thuds against the cage made of Adam where I contain my selfishness
And this stranger looks at me with pity
But this stranger is myself
And I tell him "leave; no one is less worthy of this self indulgence than you."
Once more, the stranger disappears
And I sit here in this tub, finally free to press the blade to my vein
And free myself from this apple I would consume again and again
In a garden given to all but me
If only I wasn't a coward.
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