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latenightsleeper · 8 months

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On the other side

Summary/idea: Tank in a relationship, more specifically MY Tank in a relationship..with you??? A bit of a character study on them ig

Warning(s): references to childhood trauma, past abuse, self-harm, depression, death, unhealthy behaviors and coping mechanisms—this is Tank guys it’s sadly a warning in itself

Characters: Tank/Darlin

-Let’s get something straight(the only thing straight about this tbh) you knew Tank before y’all dated, just how it goes

-another thing, Christian will be apart of your life too, no matter how you feel about the guy. He’s tanks rock and their his, can’t have one without the other

-Tank would always take a relationship slow, baby steps and very small moments of vulnerability in a way they’d find comfortable

-considering that you’re seeing Tank means that you have some measure of patience, or a masochist, either works fine. You’ll need either for Tank

-getting to know Tank is like pulling teeth, actually more like trying to get your patient down to get at their teeth but you have to fight them to do that. It is a long, drawn out, painful process full of fuck ups and wrong turns.

- if you manage to chip away at Tanks walls? Pass their internal tests on you and well..it’s something, there’s no overnight change, no sudden clarity of why Tank acts the way he does

-Tank is a extremely reserved person, very secretive and holds back from engaging in conversations for multiple reasons and purposes

-most of it stemming from not being talked to enough as a child and then young teen when they moved, not a lot of people cared to talk to them and bc of that, they don’t share anything about themselves

-Still, hang around Tank and you’ll learn lots about them from simply existing near them, watching him

-Tank speaks with actions better than words, the words get all jumbled and wrong when they wanna talk so he just shows you with their actions

-Tank doesn’t actually hold things in his hands if they can help it, makes him nervous especially if what their holding is delicate in nature

-when they do however, it’s always obvious to whoever looks close enough that Tank is holding whatever he’s holding with great care. Always soft hands with this one

-speaking of hands, when you hold hands with Tank for the first time it’s very..gentle, very soft and careful. Tanks hands aren’t the smallest but their very fine ig, surprisingly slender and elegant fingers.

-depending on if their wearing gloves you can feel the calluses and scars, maybe feel how one finger still stutters due to a bad healing job from a while ago

-Warm, soft hands Tank has, very gentle when holding someone else’s since they don’t engage in physical contact like this normally.

-rubs your knuckles with their thumb or soft squeezes

-this probably goes without saying but Tank struggles with their mental health, this of course affects their relationships both romantic and platonic

-Tank will ghost you, on purpose and on accident. No if or buts, he WILL do it, sorry man :/

-Tank also has anger issues but not in the stereotypical breaking glass and yelling—no no no

-They hold their anger inside of them, a tight and careful grip on that ball of rage in them. Tank very rarely would lash out and very rarely would that be physical, he may not talk much but when they do and when Tank is angry? Makes you wish he’d just punch you honestly

-Tank normally leaves when they feel like they could hurt someone or they feel that careful control they have on themselves slip a little.

-hence the ghosting

-he will leave for hours, never saying anything about what they did during those hours (sometimes even days) but they do return

-they normally apologize

-if you ask about their childhood they won’t say much, very clinical about it, no feelings attached to it

-Tank would say “ it was a life I lived..it could have been a lot worse so I’m…grateful..for what I got.. “

-they also have RSD or Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, any form of rejection—made up in their head or not is damaging

-one of the reasons he’s so distant honesty, their life has been one rejection after another

-he has many many scars, tank doesn’t care about them but knows they can make others..dicey

-many of them were infected on them but some were..done by their own hands

-anyway, have I ever mentioned how Tank loves to cook? Bc they do, greatly but they don’t get to cook a lot

-so if you get close enough, expect lots of homemade food containers for you

-is actually a good grill master, they learned a lot from their father and uncles when they had em

-is actually very proud to be apart of the Shaw pack

-despite receiving very little physical affection, when you get close enough Tank is very touchy

-pinky linked, a hand on your back or shoulder or even waist if you’re comfortable with that. It’s not the most showy but they find it comfortable

-also expect Tank to try and hide behind you at least twice

-they will and could do your hair if you ask nicely, would honestly spend hours just brushing your hair or styling

-Tank is quiet quick witted and snarky, they just so happen to mumble and talk quietly where no one hears anything

-speaking of voice; it’s a low and raspy voice, not unpleasantly so, monotone normally unless you really get Tank going then there’s a lot of character

-Tank wouldn’t actually introduce themselves by their name, using their nickname ‘ Tank ‘ normally

-they’d let you borrow clothes-just not the leather jacket

-they live in oversized clothes, the only thing that fits them well would be their boots and gloves so there’s something for you even if you’re taller than them

-if you managed to crash at their place and you can’t sleep, if you ask really nicely and say you’ll buy them a chocolate muffin, they will play the violin for you

-sadly they don’t like playing as much as they used to due to the injuries on their hands making them shake sometimes and messing up their playing

-for some reason, most animals love Tank. Call em a Disney princess or something

#latenightsleeper #redacted audio #redacted asmr #sleep speaks #redactedverse #redacted darlin #redacted tank #redacted asmr darlin #redacted asmr tank #redacted audio tank #redacted audio darlin #my tank/Darlin #their are a sad sad boy #lots of love #not many people willing to stick around for it #:(

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couplesinstitutecounseling · 5 months

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Thanksgiving Challenge That Will Improve Your Relationship

I have a challenge for you…skip your New Year’s resolution, because if you accept my challenge, you will already be about 6 weeks into making a huge difference in your life and relationships.

Now here is where I should insert something clever or catchy about if you choose to accept this mission, this article will self-destruct in 10 seconds (thank you Mission Impossible) but clever and catchy won’t help you take on the task I am about to suggest. The task may seem simple but like all change, it won’t be easy. It will take effort, but it will be worth it.

Here is the challenge I would like you to start right now…Gratitude.Not a simple please, thank you, or small appreciation, but deep meaningful gratitude. This means experiencing a heartfelt/deep connection to appreciation for the goodness of something.

Having deep, meaningful gratitude means respecting its value, treasuring how unique, beautiful, or indispensable it is; connecting to how it impacts us or our life in a way that inspires or makes a difference. This is a very thoughtful and introspective action which takes intentional time, energy, and practice.

Before you brush this off as “just one more thing you have to do”, let me tell you why gratitude can be life changing.

Over the past several years, there have been many studies and articles published about the positive and powerful impact on gratitude and brain, relationships, and overall health. I won’t go into all the details, but feel free to pop over to Google and search “studies on gratitude”.

In the broadest strokes, the research shows that practices of gratitude manifest externally as a positive emotional response which creates benefits that go beyond positive emotions and happiness. These benefits become contagious and spread to all aspects of a person’s life. Practicing gratitude not only strengthens romantic relationships, improves family and friend connections, it is also shown to increase work productivity, retention, and decision-making.

Physiologically it helps with sleep, lowering blood pressure, increasing motivation, and improving immune function. Mentally it boosts self-confidence, helps battle against depression and substance issues, and overall increases resiliency.

As I said that is just a short list, check out a full detailed article here:

35 Scientific Benefits of Gratitude: Mental Health Research Findings

Now that I told you the “whys” here is the next step…the big question, if gratitude has such a big impact on so many different aspects of your life, would it be worthwhile to practice it now?

There is no right or wrong answer here. Maybe you aren’t ready to commit without knowing what “practicing” really looks like. First there is no one way, there are many, and it might take some experimenting to find the one that works for you. The short of it is slowing down, looking inside yourself, looking around yourself to notice and acknowledge what you appreciate, value and treasure. Here are a few ways you can do that,

Journal. Keep a specific journal, electronically or physically notebook, for just a daily gratitude list. Make time in your day to write a few things you felt gratitude for during the day.

Share it. Leave notes, text, voicemails to people in your life about what you are grateful for about them. You can also have a gratitude buddy; someone you share what you are generally grateful for in your day or week. Or maybe you really enjoy social media, hop on Facebook, TikTok, Instagram or any other platform and share a post or video about things you are grateful for. You can even ask others to share their gratitude in the comments. It would be great to flood social media with posts about gratitude.

Include your partner. A little different than the “share it” because including your partner means you will include what you are grateful for about them and your relationship. It also means sharing it in a more face to face or intimate way. This can look like sitting down and sharing it, using eye contact and physical touch. Or it may look like leaving notes for them to find. This is something you can ask them to do with you or something you can just bless them with. Another great idea on how to do this is the Top 3 idea which you can learn more about here.

Trigger it. When creating a new habit one of the tricks is coming up with an easy way to remember and fit it in your life. If you can do this with minimal effort it will often increase success. You can do this with gratitude practices as well. You can set reminders or you can come up with behaviors you do throughout your day that remind you to take a minute to practice gratitude. Like every time you wash your hands, get in your car, turn on/off a screen, eat a meal…think of 2-3 things you are grateful for. These are already things you do throughout your day so the only thing you are adding is the practice of gratitude.

There are a ton of amazing ideas on specific ways to practice gratitude online. You can check out a few here:

Stop here and ask yourself the question again, if gratitude has such a big impact on so many different aspects of your life, would it be worthwhile to practice it now?

If your answer is yes, then here is the exact challenge, practice gratitude daily for 60 days. Then come back and leave a comment, was the practice worth it, do you notice any changes in yourself or your relationships, do you plan on continuing with it.

I will be sending out a free tool to anyone who comments back with how their challenge went.

If your answer is no, that’s ok. Feel free to leave a comment on why.

If you feel like you want to say yes but are stuck or struggling too much, reach out for a consultation, we can help!

#Challenge #Gratitude #Relationship #Thanksgiving

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late-to-the-party-81 · 2 years

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Down

AN: A quick little Drabble for a friend of mine. Bucky might not be a viable option irl, but at least he’s there in fiction.

Word count: 1k ish

Pairing: Bucky x Fat Reader

CW: Angst, Ill health (physical), mental health issues (depression), medical fat phobia/systemic fat bias, American Healthcare System (that’s definitely a warning), Hurt/comfort

“Hey, babe!”

Bucky walked through the door, happy that another day was over and that he was coming home to you, the woman he loved. He placed his keys down in the bowl and hung up his jacket.

“Sweetheart?”

It was unusual that you didn’t immediately come running and fling yourself into his arms. He started to panic for a second, all sorts of scenarios running through his head. You should be here; you were currently signed off work due to your illness so he couldn’t think you’d be anywhere else. He cocked his head, listening, and then he heard it, the faintest of sniffs.

He walked down the hallway to the den and carefully opened the door. Although the sofa was facing away from him, he could see that you were lying on it, wrapped in your favourite blanket. The overhead light was off, only the waning light from the afternoon sun illuminating the room.

You held your phone in front of your face, watching something on the screen with a glazed, dead-eyed stare. An empty bag of chips lay on your stomach, your hand absently searching inside for any remaining fragments.

It was evident to him that something had gone wrong with your day. You’d freely admitted when the two of you had started dating that your mental health was fragile, but if you’d thought that would scare him off you were sorely mistaken. He opened up to you about his own struggles and one of the reasons you worked well together is that you looked out for each other, could spot the other spiralling before they’d started to notice themselves. You reminded each other to take your medication, and held each other, without judgement when it all just got too much.

You’d needed him more recently. Your current illness, and the side effects that came with it, were making it even more difficult for you to keep on an even keel. You weren’t able to do the things you could normally, and having to admit you couldn’t carry out your job at this moment in time was a blow to your self-esteem.

Bucky loved you, and that’s why he hated to see you like this. You were normally so full of life, so bubbly and up-beat; his ray of sunshine. You, and he, we’re just waiting for your upcoming surgery, that would hopefully fix the problem so you could return to your normal life.

Bucky took a further step into the den.

“Hey, doll, what’s up?”

You turned to look at him, a fake smile plastered on your face, but it only lasted a second before your lower lip wobbled and your whole face crumpled, giving way to ragged sobs.

Bucky raced around to kneel next to the sofa, wrapping his arms around you and you pressed your face into his shoulder. You sobbed loudly, your body wracked with shudders, both of you uncaring about snot you were rubbing into his sweater. Bucky rocked you gently, his left hand stroking over your head.

“Ssh, ssh, baby. It’s okay, I’m here. It’ll be alright. I promise…”

Bucky held you, until your sobs reduced to hiccups and you slowly raised your head up and looked up into his eyes. He pressed a kiss to your forehead, then grabbed a paper tissue from the box on the coffee table and wiped your face, then passed you another so you could blow your nose.

He eased you up slightly so he could slide his body under your head, before taking hold of you hand, twining your fingers together.

“Wanna talk about it?” He didn’t want to push, he knew you’d talk if and when you were ready.

“They…the surgery… they said they won’t do my procedure… I’m too fat…”

He could see the tears trying to spill out of your eyes as you told him. And he was filled with rage. Rage at the systemic fat phobia and fat bias. Rage at the people who were supposed to help but chose not to.

“But…that’s just so…”

You raised one of your brows at him.

“Stupid? Fucked-up?”

He smiled back down at you.

“Yes, those. But I’m confused, babe, didn’t the clinic have all your details from your physician?”

“Yup!”

“And didn’t you text me an hour ago to tell me what time you needed to be there, as confirmed by the clinic?”

“Yup, again. Welcome to the modern American healthcare system.”

You sighed and sunk into him, your eyes closing as he continued to stroke your head.

“I’m so tired, Buck. Tired of having to fight all the time. Tired of having to prove that I’m valid, just as I am. Tired that people who don’t even know me can make these decisions. It’s not like in my current state I could even lose weight even if I actually wanted to, which I don’t, by the way, before you start worrying. It just fucking sucks.”

Bucky started to massage your temples and you let out a little pleasurable moan, a sound which went straight to heart.

“I take it you’ve got a headache. Taken any painkillers”

You shook your head.

“Can’t, doc’s trying to get me an appointment at a different clinic, so gotta be clean of drugs and ready to go at a moment's notice.”

“Anything I can do to help?” Bucky understood your headaches; when one line this hit the best thing he could do was provide whatever practical help you needed. You looked up at him, adoration in your eyes.

“Could you tidy up the remains of my lunch? I was eating when I got the news, and well…”

You tailed off, but you didn’t need to say more, Bucky understood entirely.

“Then could you get me the cool pack from the freezer, then come back here and snuggle with me, maybe continue that temple massage.”

“Need me to go crack any heads?”

You smiled, a real, albeit a weak one, this time and let out a small snort of amusement.

“Don’t tempt me…”

Bucky scooted out from under you, working quickly to clear up the remains of your lunch, wiped down the work surfaces and set the dishwasher going.

When he returned to the den, he found that you’d sat yourself up, although your head was leaning back against the cushions, your eyes closed. He pressed the cool pack into your hand, and you sighed as you rested it over your eyes.

Bucky looked at you, heart full of love, and aching for you at the same time. He might not be able to fix this for you, but he’d be by your side, doing whatever you needed of him.

Tag list: @sidepartskinnyjeans @yarnforbrains @jobean12-blog @christywantspizza @bucky-bucky-bucky-bucky @poppunksnowwhite @tuiccim @beelicious-barnes @maladaptivexxdaydreaming @krissy25 @turbolisedcomet @goldylions @bodeckersdiamonddoll

#late writes #late to the party 81 #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x fat reader #bucky barnes fanfic #marvel fan fiction #bucky barnes fluff #Bucky barnes angst #medical fatphobia #medical fatphobia kills

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aoitrinity · 3 years

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Why Do I Have to Feel Like a Fucking Conspiracy Theorist -- OR -- How I Find a Semblance of Peace on Sunday Night

I’m also going to start this out with a GIANT DISCLAIMER.

I am about to theorize about what may have happened to the SPN finale. I have absolutely no insider knowledge. I am merely speculating here based on the panels and a bunch of Twitter and Tumblr posts that I have been reading over the last few days. If you are not in a good place to read such things, TURN BACK PLEASE. Go take care of yourself and your mental health. You and your feelings are valid and deserve to be handled gently right now.

Additionally, if you are here to give me shit for being unhappy with the ending, please walk away as well. I am here to reach out and share my feelings with people who might be struggling to make sense of something that upset some of us in very deep-seated ways. I am not here to bother you or critique you or tell you that you’re lesser because you liked the ending. If you felt it was good, then go enjoy it.

Long-ass post beneath the cut, everyone.

Alrighty folks...I debated whether or not to do this because I have been spiraling down the hell that is the SPN finale since Thursday. The travesty of what happened to our show--to this beloved show that seemed to have been so perfectly and precisely written for at least four years that it had basically already paved its own tarmac on which to land its plane and we all thought we knew exactly what we were going to get. And then we didn’t. We had a nigh Cas-less and entirely Eileen-less ending. We had no goodbye between Cas and Jack. We had Dean dying young after finally finding his freedom, only to ascend to heaven with no one but Bobby. We had the weird, weird, weird incest-y death scene. We had the bridge crane shot thing because...sure. You do you, Robert Singer.

It was so terrible, so truly awful, and I couldn’t seem to square any of it with anything we had known going in. I tossed and turned and cried and didn’t eat or sleep all weekend. I spent hours just reloading tumblr and twitter, going to the Misha panel, reading and reading and listening and trying to figure out what the fucking hell is going on because I needed to know exactly where to direct my anger. And after a fuckton of talking with @winchester-reload, I think we have at least a very plausible theory about what happened here--I’m laying it out below as much for my own peace of mind as anything else, because otherwise all of these thoughts are going to continue to spin around in my head for weeks and I won’t be able to do jack shit.

Now to start off, unfortunately I do think Dean was slated to die from the beginning of this season. I don’t know WHY they thought that was the best way to go, and I wish they had listened to Jensen on this one. Part of me wonders if it was an order from on high based on the discussion between Becky and Chuck earlier this season--the writers knew it wasn’t a great choice, but they were trying to signal to us that we should feel free to write our own endings to the story because they’d be better (I can wax poetic on the signs of why many of the writers probably wanted Dean to live, but that’s another post). I’m not defending that choice by any means, just laying it out there that I think they didn’t necessarily all want to kill Dean like they did.

However, what I THINK I can explain now is what happened with Misha and why we got so jerked around with Cas’s story. Consider what we know (I can’t immediately source all of it, but I did my best):

At the end of episode 15x19, Lucifer has been returned to the Empty after being killed AGAIN. He talks with Cas. Maybe harasses him a bit about Dean, idk. But then...Jack shows up. New God Jack. And he picks up Cas and pulls him out of the Empty, leaving Lucifer behind, because seriously. Fuck that guy (also leaving behind his abusive father is character growth for Jack, so yay for that).

-Misha was contracted to film 15 episodes this season. He was only in 14.

-Misha told Michael Sheen he had to go back to film 1.5 episodes after the shutdown in March. (Starts at 6:13)

-Misha was in Vancouver during filming of the finale.

-Mark P said at Darklight Con that the last scene he filmed was with Alex and Misha (and Mark P was only in episode 19).

-Misha implied that he was present for various filming moments, including Dean’s death (start at 35:15), and said that it felt like a “mini-reunion.”

-Various sources have mentioned that Jimmy Novak was supposed to be in the finale.

-After episode 18, Stands tweeted a fan who was angered and hurt by Cas's death that they could talk about the “bury the gays” issue after the finale aired.

-In episode 19 we know there were takes of the parking lot scene where the only thing fans observing could hear was Dean yelling “CAS” at Chuck (fuck I can’t find this one right now, but it’s definitely out there)

-Also in episode 19, we had a very strange, awkward montage at the end of the episode.

-In episode 20, we know there were a FUCKTON of missing scenes

-We also had no opening montage, but three other separate montages.

-Carry on My Wayward Son was played TWICE, back-to-back at the end of the episode.

-Episode 20 was shorter than normal and had surprisingly little dialogue. The pacing was VERY strange.

-The cast and crew has been almost completely silent about the finale since it came out. When they have spoken, it has been with an awkward excuse of “Uh...COVID?”

-Samantha Ferris has specifically noted that, despite the Harvelle’s being back in play and a big heaven reunion having been planned pre-COVID, neither she nor Chad Lindberg received any such invitation to return.

-Cas and Dean POP Funko figures were pictured together in a replica of Harvelle’s in 15x04.

NOW with all of this in mind (and I’m probably missing some stuff too because there is so much--feel free to add on to that list), please bear with me because here is what I think we were SUPPOSED to get POST-COVID (after it was determined that the reunion couldn’t happen because of the virus):

In episode 20, we start with our NORMAL OPENING MONTAGE, like always. It traces everything that happened during the season. We are reminded of Cas. The confession. Rowena. Eileen. Jack. Billie, God, the Empty, all of it.

Things then follow along in the episode where they did up until Dean dies and wakes up in heaven. After his conversation with Bobby, he drives off to find Cas (who, in the script, was listed as “Jimmy Novak” in order to protect against script leaks--who wouldn’t want to do their best to avoid spoilers about the finale with the wrapping of a fifteen-year show?). He does indeed find Cas. We get Dean’s end of the confession. Hell, maybe we even get a kiss. And then Dean sets up his new heaven home in the recreated Harvelle’s. Maybe Cas even fucking moves in.

Years pass. We get Sam having his life on Earth (still can’t explain why they cut Eileen and couldn’t even have Sam signing vaguely to the blurry brunette in the background; if anyone wants to take that on, go for it). Eventually, Cas tells Dean that it’s almost Sam’s time. Dean takes Baby and goes to meet Sam at the bridge. The cover of Carry on My Wayward Son plays during this much shorter sequence. End of episode.

But that’s not what we got. Instead, much of what I just wrote about was excised from the episode. The remnants were stitched together after shooting had been wrapped. Filler was added in the form of montages and long, unnecessary extra shots to get the episode to something approaching a reasonable length.

But why? Why would they spend all that time and money and quarantining on Misha, only to almost completely cut him out of the finale? I struggled with why the fuck the CW would want this mammoth show to go down as the greatest queerbait in TV history when they had the chance to do something truly beautiful and monumental with it? It couldn’t just be sheer homophobia, right? Well, I think that factored into it, my friends, but here is where my head is at right now.

It was about cold, hard cash.

Now I could be wrong, but this is what I’m thinking at the moment: Supernatural is going off of the air. Supernatural, the CW’s cash cow for fifteen years. Sure there is still money to be made on blu-rays and merchandise and cons...but they need people watching their shows. They need that sweet advertising revenue. And you know what show they have about to premiere? A show that could, potentially, bring with it a chunk of that SPN revenue?

Walker.

And if any of you know anything about the original Walker Texas Ranger, you know that the show was predominantly a show about a very heterosexual white man being very excessively heterosexual. And for SOME REASON over the years, many of the execs at the CW still seem to think that this show, Supernatural, is really attractive to a lot of middle-American white men...whom they desperately want to watch this new show with this guy from Supernatural that they already know.

Now here’s where COVID fucked us. I think Destiel was greenlit by TPTB, at least in SOME form, before COVID. But then the pandemic happened, and they panicked. They got the cut of the last two episodes and watched them in their original, probably queer form. And then, the execs at CW looked at the economy. They looked at their cash cow, about to make its journey to the great beyond. And they looked at this new little calf Walker that they were so desperately worried about. And they made a choice.

They decided that it would be too risky to take the step with Destiel. They were worried about frightening off their ever-so-valuable hetero male demographic with the possibility that a traditionally masculine man in his 40s could be in love with another man in an overt way. It was homophobia mixed with greed, spun up by fear for their revenues because of COVID.

So they called in Singer, possibly Dabb, although I wouldn’t be surprised if they went straight to Singer. They told them that Destiel had to go: executive orders. And the only way to make it go in a way that removed any trace of what had been there was to rewrite what happened to Cas and cut him out from the last two episodes entirely. It was too late to reshoot anything. They had to just cut and stitch and fill with bullshit montages.

They removed the scene at the end of 19, probably because Cas and Lucifer discussed Dean. All that was left of Misha there was his voice on that fake phone call. They may have cut other things too, but I would bet my life that they cut a scene from the end of the episode and replaced it with that very strange montage. Then they moved onto 20. They cut out every scene with Cas. And left in only two platonic mentions of him, neither made by Dean. They tried to imply that Cas might show up in Dean’s heaven at some point, but that was as far as the editors could go in the time they had. They filled in with montages, awkwardly long shots, anything they could do to fill all of those missing scenes.

And they even had to take the opening montage, because literally everything in it pointed to Cas being there at the end of it all. They wouldn’t be able to leave out his scenes, they were too critical to the season. They couldn’t cut his confession without raising eyebrows. So they cut the whole thing and moved “Carry On My Wayward Son” to one of the newly-added driving montages at the end. Which is why we awkwardly had both songs play back-to-back--again, such a strange choice unless they were out of options and couldn’t exactly buy rights to a new track or compose anything else.

And so we were left with the shadow of the finale that we deserved, that Cas and Dean deserved. We were left without resolution or happiness or words. Bobo told us the most important thing about happiness is just “saying it” and our characters were silenced without anyone ever knowing the truth.

I think the writers might have known and been given the new party line that “Misha never filmed, he couldn’t, sorry, it was COVID, no one’s fault!” But I don’t think most of the cast even knew it had happened until they watched the finale on Thursday with us (though they might have been confused why the bit from 15x19 was sliced, they could reasonably have assumed it was a time thing and also BL episodes don’t make sense anyway). Why do I say that?

Well, first of all, Misha started sending out a bunch of excited texts to fans with some old BTS pictures about an hour before the show started airing on EST. He also wanted his children to see the episode, his YOUNG children. Why would he show them such a traumatic episode if their Dad wasn’t in it? What if it was because he wanted them to witness what was going to be a monumental moment in queer television history that their DAD got to be a part of? And then that was all dashed.

Which is why I think the cast and crew went almost completely radio silent the next day. I don’t think they knew. And based on how they have been acting on social media since then, I think many of them are absolutely furious, but they have been silenced because of NDAs, because they want to find work again in a cutthroat industry, because they don’t want to bring down the hellfire of Warner Brothers Entertainment upon themselves. So the most we have gotten is a little acknowledgement from the MERCHANDISING COMPANY trying to validate our pain (god bless Shirts, she is a LIFESAVER) and a response to my salty tweet about keeping good stuff in the closet from Adam Williams (the VFX coordinator) that seemed to acknowledge the validity of my complaint.

Then there was a scramble behind the scenes, I would bet my life. Talking points were fed to the boys who had panels today, to CE, to all the cast and crew:

Toe the party line. Misha never filmed. This was always about COVID. Do not mention Destiel. Do not mention Dean’s feelings for Cas. Do not promote the Castiel Project or anything that validates the idea that this was anything less than a superb ending.

And that is why we have heard so little from the cast on this front, and what we have heard has been muddled and contradictory. That is why the writers are saying nothing. That is why we have been left adrift.

Now before I close this out, I do want to say that I really, genuinely do not think this was on the writers at all. I feel like they tried to give us the best ending that they could, in a writers room that we know is notorious for splitting along party lines about the overall story (BL and Singer, who have always been about the brothers and their man-pain vs. Dabb and the rest who always seemed to want more for them and for Cas). I think they did everything in their power to at least end with Dean and Cas happy together. If they could give us nothing else, they wanted to give us that. And then the network took it from them. From us. From everyone.

For the sake of fucking money.

And the WORST PART OF IT ALL, for me, is that in the wake of this disaster, the fans have been left to try and figure out what happened. We have had to wade through a mire of conflicting information in the midst of all of our collective anger and grief over this garbage ending of a show many of us have loved and even relied on for YEARS, all the while wondering if we’re just fucking crazy, if we have all fallen collectively into the hole of conspiracy theories. That hurts ESPECIALLY badly because we have taken so many hits over the years from other groups on social media saying we were crazy for seeing things that weren’t there (especially Destiel), for writing meta and analyzing tropes and believing the evidence of our eyes and ears. The network has made us relive that entire nightmare WHILE processing our grief for a show we wanted so badly to celebrate and which instead we now have to mourn.

So again guys, I cannot prove that this is exactly what happened at all; this is simply my idea of what may have happened. But right now, it’s the most sense I can make from this mess, and to be honest, the act of typing it out has helped me enormously in my processing of it all. I feel like I can see more clearly, like I know where to target my outrage and where to direct empathy. I feel like just fucking maybe, I might be able to do my job tomorrow without bursting into tears at random moments.

I really hope that this post has helped some of you to, in some small way, process this too. We get through this the way that Misha told us at his panel this morning, the way the writers have told us to do all season long...we throw out the story God gave us and we make it better. We write our characters the happy endings they deserve.

We save them.

One last thing--if you have not already, please consider channeling your rage into a donation to one of the five causes our fandom has put together to pay tribute to our beloved show and to mourn the ending it should have had:

-The Castiel Project

-Dean Winchester is Love

-Sam Winchester Project

-The National Association of the Deaf

-The Jack Kline Project

#supernatural season 15 #spn finale #speculation #destiel #destielgate #the ending was not the ending #fuck the cw #trust the story #we were robbed

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hillarysss · 3 years

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RAHU IN THE HOUSES🦹🏽‍♀️

Heyy guys I’m back :)) I’ve just been focusing on myself lately. And I’ve been wanting to talk about more Vedic astrology since I know some of my followers really like Vedic! There isn’t one that is better or worse but personally do think that Vedic can be more helpful when it comes to life events and predictions. ☺️

RAHU PLANET COMBINATIONS

Some words associated with Rahu: confusion, obsession, travel, diseases.

Rahu is not a physical planet.

Rahu is a malefic planet, meaning whatever house is in even though there is houses Rahu excels in (3rd, 6th, 10th, 11th) it still brings malefic effects, that’s what it does.

Some of my interprations may not resonate because it depends on the whole chart. These are some general intepretations.

How to calculate my Vedic Birth-chart?

https://vaultoftheheavens.com/ChartCreatorLahiri/Welcome.aspx << (Click North Indian, it is preferred)

Rahu in 1st house: Such person is incredibly intelligent. But doesn’t always use it for good. They can find themselves in a lot of scandals. Loves material things and go as far as recklessly loosing money for luxury. Identity issues, needs validation. Such person has incredible good motivation to reach a higher status in life and will most likely not fail to do so. However, if Rahu is bad placed in a sign it can bring issues with the physical body and mental health. This placement is prone to be mentally ill. Goes through a bunch of obstacles in early life. If Rahu is in a good sign, wealth is a common theme for this placement.

Rahu in 2nd house: Such person is most likely attached to their family image, may know multiple languages or is interested to do so. You may have intrusive thoughts and can suffer not knowing what is the reason to keep living. Low self-esteem. If in a exalted sign could have a rich partner. Even if they are attached to family image their family probably isn’t as good as they want it to be. They care a lot about their image. Has intellect with their words and knows what to say and this will get them to such higher position in life. Speaks quite fast.

Rahu in 3rd house: This is flavorable placement for Rahu. (: Could have bad relationships with siblings or have a brother.(If Malefic, If in a good sign you have a very good relationship with your siblings.** You express your opinions openly and this can make you someone a lot of people look up to especially on the web. Most likely will go on a bunch of mini vacations. Such person has ego and loves being unique. Intelligent people. Since Rahu is associated with Illusion such people can make up fake scenarios and stories just for their own ego and validation. Type to make original stories way more dramatic to please other people. Manipulative but doesn’t get caught easily. Natural charm.

Rahu in 4th: From my observations, people with Rahu in 4th could have a famous family member or/and a family member that is quite wealthy. The more feminine figure (Usually the mother) plays a big role for people with Rahu in 4th. You can usually find this placement in big internet trolls as person lacks empathy to other people perspective. Impulsive. Person may move a lot. Probably doesn’t live where they were born. May have very unusual secretive hobbies. Family may not know them a lot since person can be quite secretive. Mother could’ve suffered from something and could’ve been delusional. Mother may always put pressure. Generous but with big ego. Most likely donates their money to special things.

Rahu in 5th: Most likely wants to be famous and will go to absurd lengths to get it. Can and might as well step on others in order to get their goal. However, this placement makes someone clever and very creative! May not have any children or could damage their children. Was probably the mean popular girl. Confident but sometimes over the top. Can benefit from investments. Likes to learn new things and has a bunch of stored knowledge. Loves books. Interested in singing or any creative field.

Rahu in 6th: Persuasive individuals. Opstimistic about challenges. Most likely has very good health. May be involved in traumatic events like kidnapping or theft. Criminal record is found in Rahu in 6th individuals. Very good with fighting. Will benefit greatly with their own bussiness. People look up to them but yet initmidated. Such individual most likely has a controversial status yet powerful. Very strategic. You can’t beat them in arguements.

Rahu in 7th: Unhappy marriage is very possible here. Has a bunch of sexual partners and most likely has a lot of relationships. Is obsessed with the idea of another being in their life. Has to be careful about what they say cause anything they say can be used very badly especially with partnerships. Info might be exposed things they only gave to their partners. Such as nudes being exposed or anything very personal. Most likely will have a bunch of achievements in life. Confusion within their own personality. Highly dominating. Will be known. Very skillful and knows how to use it to their advantange. Can be very spiritual. Can push their opinions on to others.

Rahu in 8th: A lot of physical issues is promiment. Issues with law. Will have a bunch of changes throughout their life wether they’re good or bad they will happen often. Your family may suffer with money. Could end up homeless at some point. Has very good charm with people. Deaths can be a common theme here. Good researches and can find out anything & can detect bullshit. May have thought about being a detective during their life. Interest in astrology. Wouldn’t be suprised if a lot of you guys have this lol. Extremely good intuition. Great mind for researching the occult.

Rahu in 9th: Constantly doubts everything and everyone, may have trust issues. Stubborn minded people. Very big love on foreign lands. Good common sense and can excell in politics. May fake their background to fit in. May have a bad relationship with the father figure. Constantly wastes money. But they can also have income from many different sources. Wants the truth and only that. Interest in traveling abroad. Could be seen as mean. Will seek higher knowledge and the truth.

Rahu in 10th: Will experience a bunch of life changing events in life. This usually brings more positive than negative here. (It depends on aspects) . Rahu in 10th is found in extremely sucessfull individuals. May change workplace quite often. Something common with this placement is rag to riches. Such person could’ve been born in a poor environment and then they rise up to fame and recognition. They succeed professionally. Could have interest in Social Work. Can use their tactics for the wrong way to get what they want. However, love life may suffer.

Rahu in 11th: Type of person to have had interactions with people of power. Prone to miscarriages. Will succeed in Marketing. Has a bunch of dreams they wanna chase after. Friendships will help a bunch to this native this lifetime. (: Receives much love from others but may not give it back.. Always sees the good in everyone and this can set them back. Should be careful when taking advice from others. Can be extremely naive. Will use their imagination this lifetime to achieve higher power and is possible they will succeed doing so.

Rahu in 12th: Will achieve good success relating to Spiritual growth. May write books or blogs about their spiritual knowledge. Could be psychic or/and astrologer. Most likely won’t have a traditional career. Can cause trouble relating to professional life. May have long-distance partners. Could be prone to being catfished. A lot of healers have this placement. May have trouble sleeping. Very religious or can be very attached to their own beliefs. Will go to extra lengths to escape from reality. Compassionate human being.

Let me know if you guys want more Vedic content. Give some feedback 🥰

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naynay5155 · 3 years

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C!Tommy’s Storyline With C!Dream Is A Very Concerning Depiction Of Abuse

Wild Title

Okay, I’m sure that this probably isn’t too new information for anyone paying attention to the overall story of the DreamSMP, especially C!Tommy’s storyline, but I figured I’d give my two cents for this anyways.

C!Tommy is an Abuse Victim who has gone through horrific stuff at the hands of C!Dream. This is not an arguable fact. regardless of if C!Dream had reasons for doing what he did, if C!Dream also later gets abused, or if ultimately the abuse portrayal could be considered in some ways flawed or unrealistic, that stuff doesn’t ultimately matter. Because we’ve seen what happened to C!Tommy during Exile, have seen the physical, emotional, and mental abuse he was put through. Just because they won’t call it Abuse doesn’t mean it isn’t Abuse.

Now, C!Tommy being an abuse victim is an interesting idea from a storytelling perspective. It has a lot of potential to lead to genuine character development, or to affect relationships and story beats in interesting ways. And it could be an interesting way to really say something about abuse and coping with it.

And to an extent, an argument could be made that it has, though I’d argue the exact way those are handled in canon, but not the point. The point is, abuse is not just something that you get to gloss over. If you want to include themes of abuse in the story, a story you are making available to the public for millions to see, then there needs to be a clear and obvious message being portrayed with including abuse in the story. Preferably, that abuse is bad, and can have majorly negative effects on anyone, especially children. We don’t always get that lucky, but whatever.

But, from my months of watching the story of the DreamSMP, and trust me I’ve been here a long while, I haven’t seen C!Tommy’s abuse being handled very... well. I could, of course, be wrong in some aspects, and maybe be misremembering stuff since this dumpster fire has been happening for a year now, and feel free to correct me or bring up more points if you know something I don’t. But, I still think that overall, I have a point of view that should be considered.

So basically, C!Tommy is an abuse victim, right? this is easy to see, very obvious in the way he acts and behaves. Or... is it?

Abuse is a complex topic and one that, in real life, presents itself in all sorts of forms. Many abuse victims were raised in unloving homes and ended up becoming more vulnerable to abuse later on in life as a result of that. Others never properly learned how to express emotions or turn people down and got taken advantage of. Others were abused from the start, and develop various ways of coping and dealing with that, even ways that they might not be fully conscious of themselves. Abuse is not a one-way street, it could hardly be considered a street at all given how diverse and differing the people who experience it end up developing into are.

So I’m not saying that, if C!Tommy were a real person, that he isn’t “Being traumatized enough” or that “Why isn’t he more like what I expect him to be like?”. That is not what I’m saying at all.

What I am saying, is that C!Tommy is a fictional character who exists within a narrative, a story. And in a good story, consistency is half the battle. I, as the audience consuming the story, need to be able to look at C!Tommy and pick up on and understand the effects abuse has had on him. And these effects need to be consistent, otherwise, as an audience member, I’m going to get confused and start having questions about why he acts one way here but doesn’t somewhere else.

I also need to be able to clearly see and understand, by being given narrative stepping stones, if something is changing for his character.

As the saying goes, “Show don’t tell”. C!Tommy can’t just say he “Goes to Puffy for Therapy” offhandedly one time, as a means of handwaving away why he doesn’t really consistently act as traumatized as he used to even though it’s literally only been a few weeks, or months at most. To explain how he can jump back between being really sad and depressed about something, to joking about Women and Twitter. It seems weird if he’s able to just so seamlessly, so effortlessly, go back and forth. Almost as if he’s bouncing between OOC and IC, but that’s a whole other discussion.

Sure, C!Tommy is representing real mental health issues, but he is, ultimately a Fictional Character existing in a story. I need to be given signs, proof, foreshadowing, to explain when he has certain reactions and behaviours in order to understand his character. And these need to be consistent, otherwise we get plotholes and general confusion.

I criticize the inconsistency and the offscreen handwaving because it’s generally not very good writing. It’s the same reason I disliked Eret’s basically off-screen-sort-of-redemption-arc. It’s the same reason people dislike it when Villains of previous seasons suddenly come back as fully reformed good guys for seemingly no reason. There is no arc, no development, no progress is shown to us.

Because when you’re telling a story about a character having some major change or developing in some way, or having an important character trait, if I don’t see it on screen, then it didn’t happen. How am I supposed to root for C!Tommy’s progress, or understand what he’s doing to progress, if a never see his coping mechanisms? His therapy appointments?

You can’t just say something, or inconsistently portray something, and expect me to jump through hoops to connect these nearly transparent dots that keep getting thrown around.

Show don’t tell. Show me Tommy getting better, because otherwise you’re just telling me he made character development, and showing me this completely different character as proof. No, last I remembered C!Tommy was having panic attacks and yelling when C!Dream was even mentioned. You can’t tell me that a day later he can interact normally after days of being in the prison and a month of being dead.

Or, if you are gonna have him flip flop back and forth, don’t have it be so sudden and jarring, give an explanation. Is he faking being fine? Does he have memory issues? C!Tommy doesn’t read to me as the type who’s good at suppressing his emotions, he wears his heart on his sleeve. So you’re going to have to explain, clearly, in a way that isn’t ambiguous, what’s happening with C!Tommy here.

You’re not really saying anything about the abuse C!Tommy goes through, if all of that trauma is automatically wiped from the story when the writers get too lazy or too scared to keep it in. At best, you are showing abuse and trauma for the sole purpose of showing it, with no intention of properly dealing with and addressing it in the story. At worst, you are basically just doing torture porn.

Pain, Hurt, Trauma for the sake of it. Not with any goal in mind. Just for the drama of it, or to hurt the audience.

And then your audience is just supposed to take that content in uncritically, and they gain no true understanding of how abuse victims survive and cope after their traumatic treatment.

Exile Arc sure did a good job at making C!Tommy suffer. But as soon as that arc ended, a lot of the stuff that happened in it went completely glossed over and unaddressed for a long while. That might have been fine in the lead-up to Doomsday, since a lot of plot stuff had been going on and stopping to handle C!Tommy’s issues might (Might is heavily doubted cause it certainly isn’t impossible) mess with the pacing a bit. But then after Doomsday, there isn’t really any excuse to put it off. Because nothing was really happening for a good while, and nobody had anything to do plotwise.

And this became even more true with C!Dream being locked in Prison. Nothing was really happening, so what was stopping the story from taking the time to properly discuss and deal with this stuff?

Well, nothing really. So, the Hotel Arc happened. And oh boy, was it a mess.

So, C!Tommy being angry at C!Dream for the abuse and trauma he has suffered at Dream’s hand isn’t an issue. It’s an incredibly common thing for victims to feel angry at their abusers, and to even go so far as to wish for vengeance against them in some way. And that’s a totally valid and fine feeling.

You’re hurting, you’re scared, you’re in pain. I get that. When we’re hurting, we don’t always act rationally or healthily.

But, ultimately, that rage, and hurt, and want for vengeance is not a healthy thing to hold onto. In many circumstances with an abuse victim wanting to inflict pain back on their abuser, we run into various problems.

For one, getting vengeance on your abuser is quite frequently going to give you more emotional pain than it will fulfilment. Especially if you are young, or are letting this want for vengeance take over your entire livelihood. It does you no good ultimately, to attempt to bring pain to the person who hurt you, because not only will you often be unsuccessful, you frequently won’t find emotional healing and stability in that.

(The only exception to this rule being if ignoring them or moving on from them isn’t an option for you right now.)

Actions have consequences, and if you invest more time in that person who hurt you, then you have no time to work on yourself or the relationships around you. You have no time to heal, and this can become self-destructive.

Spending time around an abuser, as a victim, is in all likelihood just going to upset you more. You’re retraumatizing yourself by spending time around them, and as you make attempts to give them their comeuppance, you could possibly end up internalizing the methods they used on you, and just end up perpetuating the cycle of abuse again.

And even if you have no problem with doing that to this particular person, consider how fully internalizing these abusive behaviours could affect your friends or family. Frequently, even when they don’t mean to, abuse victims can internalize the things that they went through and then use those same behaviours against people in their life later on. Being shitty to your support system because of what you went through isn’t a good move, for you or them.

Basically just, an Abuse Victim has more to gain from working on themselves while finding ways to heal and overcome their trauma and abuse, than they do spending their time and energy on the abuser. Its frequently unhealthy, distressing, and self-destructive to indulge in that too much.

(Of course, I don’t speak for everyone, but from what iIve looked into and seen, this is the healthiest method of actually healing from your abuse. That doesn’t mean you just... leave your abuser alone and never address or talk about what they did, you don’t let them get away with it, of course not. It just means you don’t waste your mental well being and time obsessing over someone, especially someone who has hurt you so much.

You deserve better than that. You deserve to heal.)

Now, let’s get back to C!Tommy.

C!Tommy, instead of finding a proper means of coping with his issues (proper therapy, diagnosis for his issues, forming and maintaining healthy support systems, focusing on things he loves, etc) is shown to repeatedly focus back on C!Dream. When he was making Big Innit Hotel, it did seem like he was to an extent finding ways to cope with his shit. He was still kinda shitty and his hotel was not exactly made and run by the most morally great standards, though I suppose I can’t expect too much when he is a very traumatized teen and doesn’t really know what he’s doing.

But, ultimately, this all fell apart when he got locked in Pandora’s Vault with C!Dream. Arguably, it was already falling apart the moment he decided to keep pursuing C!Dream even when he was locked up.

See, the thing is, C!Tommy can never just… have trauma. Having trauma that he can healthily and methodically work through is something that for him as a Character, is basically impossible. His character is an angry one, one built on spite and childishness, and who holds the mantle, unfortunately, of “Spunky Male Protagonist In A YA Novel”. So, his mental health issues can never just be a struggle he has to cope with, especially not when the DreamSMP can never seem to have anything between “A lot is happening right now omg” or “Literally nothing is happening and nobody is playing on the server at all omg”.

Instead, his issues have to be seen as a battle, and they fuel the narrative of the story. Him having been abused by C!Dream cannot just exist as a thing that he as a person has to work through slowly with the help of others around him. It has to be seen as this Epic Triumph Against Evil, another battle of Tommyinnit VS Dream on the DreamSMP, a classic Villain versus Hero fight.

This, of course, isn’t too great. By C!Tommy’s abuse plotline being framed in this manner, it makes it so that C!Tommy is constantly obsessing over his abuser and recklessly throwing himself into dangerous and triggering situations is some attempt at an “Epic Battle With Evil”, rather than this being treated like the self-harm it actually is. And yes, it is self-harm, a form of it.

C!Tommy uses his trauma and issues as fuel for the story, making it so that its impossible for him to truly progress and a character, and the moment he does start growing, he has to get retraumatized again so he goes right back to where he was.

C!Tommy does not become a better person when he’s around C!Dream, nor does he find any form of fulfilment in being around him. He gets shaky and panicky at just the sight of him. He regularly has violent and explosive outbursts at just the mention of him. When C!Dream talks to him, he gets nervous and basically can’t help but listen due to conditioning he still listens to.

When C!Tommy went to go visit C!Dream the first time in Pandora’s Vault, he brought with him stacks of TnT. He did it because he wanted to mimic what C!Dream had done to him in Exile, where he would take all of C!Tommy’s newly gained items and blow them up underground for dramatic effect.

C!Dream did this for control over C!Tommy, to manipulate him, for his suffering.

And C!Tommy wanted to do this to C!Dream, because he was feeling vindictive.

When C!Tommy got into the prison, he mocked C!Dream, hit him repeatedly, and tried to boss him around. He made him write ridiculous books and verbally berated the man. He did this in a feeble attempt to gain some feeling of control over C!Dream. This, evidently, did not work. At best his success was momentary. And this sense of achievement he gained was gained through projecting his abuse trauma onto someone else.

He repeated the cycle.

After he got brought back from the dead and let out of the prison, he was much much worse. C!Tommy was now paranoid, anxious, constantly thinking about C!Dream, and had his mindset solely on getting revenge on him, by killing him.

It got so bad, he ended up doing lacklustre “Exposure Therapy” to help himself not panic when he went into Pandora’s Vault to kill C!Dream. It got so bad he dragged C!Tubbo and C!Ranboo into this, putting them in danger and putting more pressure on another two teenagers’ shoulders.

It got so bad, that Ghostbur died, C!Sam closed off even more, and C!Wilbur came back.

Objectively, C!Tommy leaving C!Dream alone would be the better thing for everyone. And yet he keeps repeating the cycle. Because C!Tommy is not meant to grow, learn and heal. He is made to suffer.

The problem is not so much showing an unhealthy depiction of a mentally ill or traumatized person. Because trauma and mental illness and the effects of abuse are not always pretty, and they shouldn’t always have to be portrayed and pretty or sympathetic to be accurate.

It becomes a problem when you get this depiction of C!Tommy’s coping being presented uncritically to an audience of a lot of underaged and young people.

Nobody in canon, whether they be adults or fellow teens, has ever tried to question C!Tommy’s methods for coping. C!Ranboo and C!Tubbo just limply went along with his plans for Exposure Therapy with no consideration of if this was a good idea. No adults really offer to genuinely step in and help C!Tommy deal with his shit, and the ones that do leave him or get corrupted in some way, often leaving him with more trauma as they do.

C!Puffy’s therapy methods are dubious at best, and the most we ever see of her actually helping C!Tommy is her humouring his toxic behaviours, and C!Tommy making offhanded mentions to vague therapists appointments we never see.

C!Technoblade stopped giving a shit as soon as C!Tommy walked off the screen. C!Wilbur was dead, and now that he isn’t he certainly isn’t helping C!Tommy. C!Phil isn’t C!Tommy’s dad and has no obligation to do anything for him as a result. C!Ranboo has the backbone of a chocolate eclair. C!Tubbo is too busy repressing his own trauma to help C!Tommy with his. C!Sam is being ruled by the prison and C!Quackity. C!Quackity has become an Ancap.

Nobody in this story is a reliable or trusted person to C!Tommy, who could properly tell him his methods are unhealthy and give him better alternatives. And as a result, nobody is able to tell the audience that C!Tommy is wrong

Unreliable Narrators are only effective when the narrative in some way has their unreliableness pointed out or proven to the audience. If you go into a story with the assumption that everybody watching will be able to see past C!Tommy’s POV and not take him at face value, then you are naive. Especially when this fandom is made up of many teens and children.

I only know C!Tommy’s methods are unhealthy because I care way too much and do my research. A vast majority of the world doesn’t have the same understanding and education on these topics, especially not children and teenagers. A good chunk of people, especially neurodivergent and mentally ill people, could very well take the story at face value and automatically assume that what Tommy’s doing is actually a good coping mechanism because they don’t know any better.

There is no clarification or safety net for preventing misinterpretation. And being of the opinion that “Well, they should know better than to trust a bunch of Minecraft Youtubers for this stuff” or “We can’t expect them to be psychologists! You expect too much” is just… not helping.

Because I shouldn’t have to explain why children and teenagers, especially those that are using these people to cope, are not always going to make level-headed and common-sense decisions. They will be influenced by these Content Creators, whether we think it’s “Stupid” or not.

And I can say with certainty that, while yes, this might be a bit much to expect from a bunch of British/American white guys who play Minecraft to handle, may I also point out that nobody fucking made them put this stuff in the story. There are ways to write a story without stepping outside of your realm of true understanding. Nobody begged these MCYTs to go and make torture porn for a 16 year old, nobody asked them to touch on topics they have no fucking clue about.

They put that in themselves. And we have the right to point out the problems and flaws in it, and criticize them for not handling this stuff better.

You don’t start applying for a job you don’t meet the requirements for. You don’t start an expensive project you can’t finish.

You don’t include elements in a story you aren’t willing to fully go through with and address in a proper and sensitive way.

#hope this makes sense #dreamsmp roleplay #dream smp critical #dreamsmp #dream smp #character analysis #c!tommy #c!dream #tw abuse discussion #tw abuse #negativity #dsmp critical #critical dsmp

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creatingnikki · 3 years

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What 2020 has taught me

1. Those things that seem like content for sci fi or pure fiction are actually things that can happen. To the entire world. Like a pandemic. And to you. Like a seizure.

2. Everyone is sad. Everyone is struggling. In different ways and in different measures. Makes no one special. But you still get to feel sad for yourself and be compassionate towards others. But it's also okay to draw boundaries because you're everyone too. Remember, not special? You're sad and trying to deal with it too.

3. Every job you have will not add value to your life. It will not teach you new things or give you people you'll want to stay in touch with. Sometimes some jobs will only be a season of your life. Even if the season lasts for over a year. It's okay.

4. You know how you thought picking a college and picking a major and picking your first job and picking a specific industry were all the career decisions you had to make? Yeah, no. It's never a one time thing. You could have a job as a marketing strategist for two years and then want nothing to do with it. And then you'll have to make another decision and work towards it. So I'd like to call it moves. It's like chess. You always have to make a move. And it always has to be strategic, yes. But the truth is in your 20s it probably won't. Even if you try. And as long as you're trying, you'll be fine.

5. You may have different sorts of friends like the one you only talk to about kdrama with or the one you met when you went book shopping alone and the friendship is all about books really. That's normal. But irrespective of why and how you became friends with them, if you consider them a friend then there has to be this basic sense of care, respect and empathy for each other. I don't care what people want to say. If you're faced with the worst trauma of your life, the least your friends can do is check up on you regularly. On text. And if they don't even do that then guess what? They aren't friends. They are acquaintances. Social media and quick promises make everyone seem like your friend. But they are not. They are just nice people who will be nice to you for specific periods and then wander away like you are a speck of dust floating in their journey.

6. You speak a lot and write and you express yourself and you’re emotionally mature but oh my god. You still hold in so much. You’ve known that at a subconscious level and over the last year people - experts - have told you that. You have also realized that you make your pain and sadness about pettier things because dealing with them, admitting about them, sharing that with your friends, is easier. You do that so that you don’t have to deal with the real stuff. Because it’s so damn painful. And you don’t know how to do it. Yet. Acknowledging is the first step anyway right? I know you’re confused about how exactly to let go of all this pain and sadness and feel lighter, and you know that talking to people really isn’t the solution, but I also know you’re smart enough to figure it out.

7. Talking about being smart...you know you’re different than others. Better. Special. Smarter. None of these are the right words. And you never voiced this out until this year because you knew it would make you come across as narcissistic. Some would say it’s because you’re an INFJ. But my mother once said that this may be the first time we are consciously living life but our souls are old and so our instinct and the things we know but can’t explain are because this isn’t the first time for our souls. The connections we feel with certain people, the reason we are so different from our siblings who grew up in the exact same environment with the exact same opportunities, our sense of right and wrong...it’s all because our souls learn and grow with each time and that’s why we are who we are. I think that’s probably how I can explain what I have always felt. That I am living in a different universe than everybody but I have to pretend to be in this one and dumb my emotions and thoughts down. Maybe that’s because my soul has lived through thousands of years while most around me are living their 100th life. Or maybe I’m just narcissistic, who knows?

8. You shift between talking in first person and second person but that’s because that’s how you think in your head and talk to yourself and live your life. You ask yourself things and you accuse yourself of things and you apologize to yourself and you comfort yourself. I think that seeps into your writing and the changing of the voices.

9. You always genuinely thought that you’d not be afraid of dying. And then what happened this October proved you shockingly wrong. I know it’s not so much being afraid of dying but the unbearable pain of knowing what that would mean to your family. So you have to be more prudent and less reckless with your life and the choices you make.

10. Regret is not something that plagued you but this year the realisation and pain of giving away your favourite books from your own personal collection to people you care about as a show of affection and them turning out to be ass holes or losers has hit you so hard. So, yes. No more of that shit. I really fucking want my copy of The Perks Of Being A Wallflower back. UGH. With the childhood picture of me inside it!

11. Sleeping at 5 am in the morning stops being fun or romanticised when you realise just how much harm it does to your body and mind. Literally every single disease and disorder can be traced back to a shitty fucking sleep schedule. It’s not just the hours you sleep but also the quality of sleep and the time you sleep at. So yes sleeping for 8 hours is healthy but not if that 8 hours is from 5 am to 12 pm. ‘Not a morning person’ is just another construct of capitalism and you don’t realise how many industries profit from having you believe that and staying up late or all night. Entertainment. Food. Alcohol. Pharma. Biologically and naturally you are a bloody morning person. And you don’t need 3 cups of coffee to begin your day or your phone notifications to get you to open your eyes and brain to wake up.

12. Sometimes you really have to stop taking people so seriously. I know the idea of treating people as casual friends or entertainment makes you want to fight that concept but you know what? Some people like Pineapple are ever only going to be good for that. No matter how much they ‘grow and change’. So keep them in the background for whenever you want some entertainment or drama. But please don’t clear up your busy schedule to meet them or send them gifts on their birthday.

13. If you don’t have the fruit juice or green juice within half an hour of making it then you are losing out on its most optimum health benefits. Or when you remove the white stringy stuff from oranges. That’s where all the actual nutrients are.

14. I am privileged and so are most of the people I interact with. The global pandemic has been hell for a lot of people around the world. Health wise. Financially. Losing people they care about. But I was blessed enough to be safe at home and have a job that I could smoothly do from home and not have a pay cut or 4-hour long Zoom meetings. So honestly when my friends tell me 2020 has been bad I have to stop and ask them why? Yes, the crippling uncertainty and anxiety is not something that can be undermined. But most people I know had very great positive life-changing milestones this year like moving away to another country for college or taking their first solo trip or getting married. So I have to ask them. Because I am not going to agree that everybody’s 2020 and pandemic narrative is the same.

15. Money gets spent really quickly. When I left my job earlier this year because of personal issues, I thought I had enough savings to last me a year. Full disclosure - I mean to last my personal expenses because I live with my parents. But it didn’t even last me 3 months. And so to use money wisely and buy things that provide utility than instant gratification is something to follow. Also buying one pair of really expensive but quality shoes is better than buying 5 pairs of affordable but low quality shoes that will have a very short life and force you to buy more. I know that higher price doesn’t always mean better quality but sometimes it does. And as an adult now I want to do the whole quality > quantity thing even with things and not just people.

16. Everyone in their 20s went through a crisis of what they should do with their lives and their careers and it’s not unique to the 21st century and the challenges of today. Whether it was Vincent Van Gogh in the 19th century or Sylvia Plath in the 20th, every single person, as brilliant as them went through the torture of making these decisions and living with their consequences. You may think I picked wrong examples for they both killed themselves but you know what? They were the people who really want to live more than anyone. They knew what life meant. And maybe if mental health help was more accessible back then their lives would be longer and more peaceful.

17. Telling people everything is overrated. You don’t have to talk about every single thing that’s on your mind or that’s going on in your life. The good and the bad and the mediocre. You have to be mindful about how much of yourself you’re giving away.

18. Re-watch Suits when people at work feel intimidating because the confidence + negotiation tactics that they show can actually work irl cos at the end of the day no matter in what position you’re dealing with people who have emotions and fears and insecurities and desires. You understand how to leverage that nobody can get the better of you.

19. You belong to yourself. No matter how much you love someone or how much they have done for you or how much you owe them - you belong to yourself. You can’t live your life for someone else. Everyone belongs to themselves first. No relationship, no promise, no circumstance should make you feel like you have to give up your life and make it all about them. If and when the time comes to die for them, go ahead. Take a bullet. Donate that kidney. Write them in your will. But live your life for yourself. And let them live theirs.

20. Twenty three was a challenging year. When it started you claimed the age 23 sounds boring and insignificant. Guess it proved you wrong. It hurt so much now. But that only means you’ll look back on it later and see how it added so much wisdom and resilience to your being. It doesn’t mean that it makes all the bad things that happened to you okay. Or that you should be grateful to them. Fuck no. It means that you should be kinder to yourself because at the end of the day, your mind and body find it in themselves to deal with whatever is thrown their way. They have your back. It’s time you learn to sit straight.

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jjkyaoi · 3 years

Text

i said i wouldn’t have to address discourse on here, and i wish i didn’t have to again, but. here we are again. it’s 6PM for me and tommyinnit is trending under politics. what a world we live in.

i’m gonna start this off by saying; i didn’t know what aave was until recently. if i’m being completely honest, a lot of ppl in my life had told me that it was just the “twitter slang” or “the slang that stans used”, and for awhile it was brushed off as just twitter slang by. literally everyone, and i only realized what it was and that it existed until just recently, as i’ve said again, and that’s probably the case for tommy in this situation. i don’t really get a say so this is the only post i’m probably gonna make about the situation —and also i’m fucking tired, jesus christ— but here’s what i hope for this situation; i hope people educate tommy about what aave is and educate him so he doesn’t make this mistake again, because that’s what this is, it’s a mistake that he could easily learn and change from if people gave him the helping hand to grow and change. he’s not gonna naturally know every line to not cross, and that’s what’s important about helping him out and calling him out when he makes a mistake—that’s what’s important about educating him, so he learns. however. to the surprise of absolutely no one, twitter is doing that funny little thing they do (/s), where some people are speaking up over the minorities, there’s people taking quotes from that stream out of context and twisting them to make tommy look worse, i had even seen a tweet in my feed, before i’d decided to trash the app once again, saying they were going to go to his VODS to look for more “offensive language”, and probably use it against him in this. there is no fucking point in dragging up anything else but the root issue here, because you’re not educating, you’re not teaching him a lesson, you’re not helping him grow or any of the things you say you’re doing by taking quotes out of context, leaving angry tweets that explain absolutely nothing, and saying you’re gonna look into his old VODS for shit to use against him.

,,it’s . tiring. is what i’m saying. everyone there uses the word “educating” but when it actually comes down to it they don’t.

and people wondered why tommy’s posts were so rushed about the KSI situation? it’s because he didn’t get an explanation about what he’d done wrong, because the hashtag was clogged with angry people who weren’t educating like they said they were, it was full of nothing but anger and hate and some people even calling him a transphobe, and that’s how he got it in his head that that’s what he needed to apologize for, and therefore that’s what he apologized for. i’m well aware that it isn’t most people, and god i’m glad there’s people on that app that are actually trying to educate and are trying to do the good thing and actually have a good head on their shoulders, but the bad outweighs the good, and coupled with how twitter is built? makes everything worse.

this fandom has a problem with speaking up over minorities, for trending hashtags and doing all these things to be “the savior” when in reality they aren’t actually helping the root problem and they’re just making things worse, and there’s some people doing the same in this situation —even though it’s just starting— instead of letting the actual people who can educate tommy educate him on aave, and on that note?

i. am thinking i’m gonna take a break from posting for a couple days. i don’t think i’m leaving the fandom, and honestly the break won’t be for more than a couple days, but all of this has dragged down my mental health and has made me paranoid. if i’m honest, i was fretting for a tommy stream cause i was worried he was gonna make a mistake and the worst type of ppl on twitter was gonna do that funny little thing they do /s, where they make the situation 10x worse, and it came true, and i think i’m gonna. take a step back. for awhile? i’ll still be liking shit so i won’t be gone, and it’ll only be for a couple days, but i think it’d be better if i wasn’t as active in the fandom part of the content as i am currently, because where we stand now is awful.

see y’all, in like, maybe awhile? i don’t have a definitive time man i’m just slinking into the darkness for refuge for awhile, but i’ll be back. dont miss me too much even tho i’m incredibly sexy and i’m incredibly easy to miss /j

#discourse #mcyt #mcytblr #dream smp #tommyinnit #mcyters #long post

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reverielix · 3 years

Note

Bang chan as a boyfriend based on his chart?

Sure ;)))

Let’s get straight into it!💭

I’ve been wanting to talk about his interceptions/duplications for some time, and now it finally fits haha!!😊 His Venus is intercepted and...let’s say that his chart (+ Saturn singleton and other aspects) poses some obstacles for romantic relationships, and suggests a personal transition/journey he has to go through in order to even allow himself to experience romantic love and affection....🤭

Scorpio is intercepted in the 6th house in his chart while Taurus is intercepted in the 12th house. Capricorn makes up for it and rules both the 8th and 9th house as Cancer rules both the 2nd and 3rd house. So what does that mean?

First of all, the qualities associated with Scorpio and Taurus are hard for him to access as they weren’t taught or understood at an early age. This can further suggest that he experienced a lack of love and tenderness, while receiving criticism, (Saturn singleton, 6th house stellium, Chiron in the 6th makes him extremely sensitive to criticism, he started young as a trainee and went through monthly evaluations and such for 7 years!) which probably influenced his self-perception, as he already has low self-esteem and lots of self-doubt implied in his interception, which suggests a need for validation and extra-love, though he was given the opposite. Moreover, he could’ve had issues forming an opinion and sticking to it (supported by his Libra placements), fully devoting himself in a relationship (any type, Mars conjunct 7th house) and leaving his comfort zone. Lack of privacy, fear of loss and struggles regarding finances/recourses may have also occurred in his life. These aspects in regard to the 6th and 12th houses hint at an unstable and insecure environment as a result of lacking routine (e.g. going to sleep at odd hours with Pisces and Virgo here) and giving into bad habits. Something generally big in his chart is his insecurity and deceiving perception of himself as well as his ways of coping (intercepted Taurus, Saturn singleton, Virgo Chiron,... surpresses/ignores feelings or ignores them). He may use his self-doubt and criticism from both others and himself as a “fuel” for his determination and work-ethic to try and prove others and a part of himself wrong. Although one might argue that using negativity to grow from it is benificial, he harms himself subconsciously by having that mindset, since when a) he fails, like all of us do sometimes, he will fall into a pit of self-hatred or b) he achieved a goal, but after it, he’ll still be unsatisfied and want more. It always ends back where he started; craving for UNCONDITIONAL love, but he won’t give himself that type of love (unconditional love can also be associated with Neptune, which is in retrograde in his chart, and can contribute to hyper-awareness of his own wrongs). The love he gives himself is conditional and situational, which he adapted from all the lack of love and criticism and makes him feel like he will never be enough. A big lesson he has to learn is that his work/success doesn’t define him, and he is enough without his awards and wins. He’s an amazing person just being himself, and once he realizes that he deserves unconditional love, he will also be a step further to allow love to come his way. (You can’t come from a place of hatred and expect love to come out at the end!)

In terms of his Venus and his 7th house conjunctions, I can see how he craves love deeply and intensely, he craves privacy and validation, though with intercepted planets the individual isn’t allowed or suppresses a core-part of their personality. In Chan’s case, he suppresses his longing for romantic love and relationships as he is taught to focus on his work (he channels all his energy through his Saturn singleton, work is existential to him) rather than his need for affection, because “I don’t deserve love anyway” (conditional self-love, damaged awareness of self-worth). He perhaps doesn’t consciously know who he is looking for, but craves stability, (a routine to help him feel comfortable, as he values that with his Cancer and Capricorn duplications, but we’ll get to that later) sensuality, validation, appreciation, inspiration, acceptance and most importantly: love! In terms of Taurus here, which is intercepted and is ruled by Venus, I can see how a big life lesson is to value and appreciate his materialistic possessions and achievements that originated from hard work. He needs to learn how to feel appreciative of his past efforts and learn to feel satisfied with himself and his past efforts as well as allow himself to rest.

His Saturn singleton in conjunction with what I’ve discussed previously briefly points out; he channels his entire energy though his work, through restrictions, through his reputation and his ambition. (This Placement fits perfectly with him being on stage. He performs with such purpose, with such determination and devotion by using his body (Aries), and most importantly with his group (11th house).) The Pluto Mars conjunction also hints at Chan being a very devoted individual, who can get engulfed in his task and even isolate himself when doing something he’s passionate about. His Saturn is also in retrograde, which internalizes this placement and makes him very conscious about his success, reputation and overall misery and hardship that he wants to (perhaps aggressively or boldly) take action on and improve all the time. He fears letting people down and wants to live up to their expectations, while often letting himself down in the process, which feeds into his conditional self-love and lack of self-acceptance. He sets limits for himself, when actually, he wants to be free, because he lives in fear of not being enough and fulfilling people’s expectations of him as he wants to have a good reputation and success, be better than all the authority figures with criticizing eyes he’s been exposed to all his life. A contradiction within himself here is that he doesn’t want people to tell him what to do, he doesn’t like being pushed around and wants to be his own boss, but as soon as somebody expects something of him or questions his authority, he wants to prove them wrong and so does what they want. He is a pushover, in a way, but is consciously very resistant toward rules and boundaries other authority figures set for him to follow. Additionally, valuing tradition and following a routine (6th house interception) can be hard for him (especially when it comes to sleep, 12th house). Further interpreting, his Sun (Libra, 5th house) is opposite his Saturn, which can indicate a gap in self-perception that I touched on in the previous paragraph, outlining his rather subconscious (12th house interception, so this part is more “hidden” from him, while the 12th house is already hard to access in the first place) way of self-destruction considering his way with doubt and criticism and how it will forever remain a spiral of negativity that results in no progress if he doesn’t understand he is deserving of UNconditional love). Additionally, he might believe he can only be loved when he performs well and succeeds, which is obviously not true, though it is a big life lesson for him to truly understand that, with his 12th house interception and his tendency to ignore his intuition/spirituality to listen to the logics (air signs and other). He can escape this spiral of negativity by learning this big lesson; he is worthy, he deserves love, he deserves privacy, he deserves care (from himself and others).

Ways to “unlock interceptions” and learn the previously mentioned life lessons are to look at the “directors” (the signs that rule the intercepted houses, so in Chan’s case it’s Libra and Aries), the duplications and take into consideration his intercepted Chiron. First, let’s look at his 6th house ruler: Libra. Libra ruling the 6th house is usually a sign of self-care in a physical sense and beauty and care in everyday routine, pets or a desire of taking care of one. Though, with his Saturn singleton in Aries (opposite Libra) I can see how he works too much and disregards his mental and physical health (12th house would be mental health here). A helpful way of dealing with this is arranging a routine in which he assembles self-care and private time (he had a lack of, which the interceptions point at) to feel instead of brushing his emotions off (12th house interception). He will feel lonely. He longs for love with his Pluto conjunction his descendant, he can even become obsessive about it and feel the need to be with somebody. But as long as he doesn’t understand he deserves UNconditional love from most importantly himself, he won’t be able to allow (healthy) love in his life and recognize when he isn’t being treated the right way, because he pushes others away and has no clarity of what he deserves. In this routine that I have previously mentioned, where he shall implement self-care and privacy, he needs to give himself time to feel and not push his emotions away anymore. And as he accepts his emotions and turmoil, this 12th house part that we all have (this part that Billie addresses in idontwannabeyouanymore), that is hurt and deals with all the things we brush off in a “call me what you wanna, ‘cause I’ve probably called me worse.” way (self-criticism with the Chiron in the 6th — as Chiron is also healing and the 6th house comes together with routine and stability, I can see how this fortifies my claim — and interceptions). When he lets himself feel, accepts his negative feelings and takes care of himself, he will learn to love ALL of him (also his “demon” and will learn to access his 12th house). Through all of this, he will trust himself and his intuition more, learn to use both his brain & heart — here I think it’s remarkable that Melanie has multiple Taurus placements and a Scorpio rising — as the line between reality and delusion isn’t blurry anymore. Listening to his intuition, he will start to feel comfortable with himself and the things and people around him. He will learn to surround himself with the things he feels comfortable with, and not only “should” (brain). This is a big desire: comfort. His Cancer/Capricorn duplications leave him longing for a home, though as long as he doesn’t feel at home with himself, he won’t feel at home anywhere (ties in with 2nd house Cancer and his self-esteem being ruled by the moon with a desire for comfort). And when he learned to love, accept and feel comfortable with himself, he will allow love into his life and not push anyone away anymore (he will learn that it doesn’t matter if he failed or not, if he worked hard enough or not: he deserves love and care like he gives it to others). This is how he could “unlock” his Venus, perhaps. Regarding his Neptune retrograde in the 9th; in conjunction with his 12th house being intercepted, he needs to learn to create a sleep pattern that is healthy and provides him with enough rest. This will then also strengthen his trust and intuition.

Also, his Pluto Mars conjunction conjunct his 7th can imply that whenever he experiences hurt or is left by somebody else, he can transition this pain and obstacle into power and drive, motivation with which he approaches new relationships. This ties in with the dominant role that Saturn plays in his life, as Saturn is essentially working hard through hurdles and misery to come out successful.

So, now that we’ve established that his chart is challenging in regards to his love life and really just anything, we can get into the actual thing haha

⇢ confession/beginning stages

His Libra Sun and Mercury in the 5th, Gemini rising and Aquarius mc can give him a very playful and airy first impression

He is generally attracted to mannerism, soft spokenness and gentleness, as he also likes showing these parts of himself to romance others haha

Would probably take it slow and not rush into relationships (would take a while to confess, he first has to relish in the feeling of having a crush lol)

He might want to introduce himself as the fun and flirty version of himself, though I feel like he’d be way less bold than Minho (he’s a shy Libra bean) — it doesn’t mean he’s “acting” or anything. That’s just as much him as is every other part of his chart.

I don’t think his Venus would shine through in the beginning (I’d be more his air signs taking the lead, talking away and vibing lol) He’d most likely keep it light and nice on the first date, show off his manners yk👀

His intercepted Venus stressed that it would take him a lot of work to let himself freely express his love language and refrain from bottling it up

But once he does let himself express his love freely, during his confession or an intimate moment, it would fizz all up

His confession may be very thought through and planned, though in the moment, he’d just improvise anyway and fizz up like a bottle of sparkling water under too much pressure from holding back everything

Heartfelt confessions are his specialty, though he’d probably get very emotional

Scorpio is already kind of a wild sea, waves hitting the stones, but that interception would just contribute to this inner tension and turmoil

Once he feels attraction toward somebody, it can be very intense, even scary at times

His confession would be the one of a young boy who feels love for the very first time, intense and emotional, maybe clumsy

Though he’d mean every word

He’s just such a loving and caring person,,,,I’m not crying you are because even astrology says he’s nurturing and lovely

⇢ overall behavior in relationship

I feel like this short fic describes it pretty well haha (I read it and immediately thought of his Scorpio Venus interception)

It could be scary for him to be in love with somebody and go past the first, flirty phase

He’d be very devoted and give his all in the relationship (like how Minho would)

Just with the exception that Minho is pretty aware of this part of himself and embraces it with confidence

Though Chan on the other hand would get to know himself in another light

His emotions would fizz up, as he’s held the desire for love back for way too long (his Libra placements and especially his Pluto descendant conjunction have been begging him) and he could perhaps find the intensity of his romantic feelings scary or shocking

His Pluto descendant conjunction gives him a transformative feature. He can be drawn to relationships in which power dynamics can become toxic, though he has the skill to take the pain and transform himself from a hurting to a more powerful person in control. This can be something to look out for when he hasn’t yet gone through the lesson of acceptance and love for himself as his little self-esteem can be abused by a partner with this placement (Also, his Taurus interception hints at a lack of self-worth and boundaries, just like his 12 and 6th house interceptions do, as he can have issues recognizing when something is happening to him that is not right and he doesn’t deserve). Pluto conjunct the descendant can also hint at a partnership in which both partners are very successful and work together toward wealth, success and a comfortable home. His Venus is intercepted and this aspect points at, amongst other things, an unknowingness when it comes to an ideal type or what someone looks for in relationships. The Pluto descendant conjunction and Venus placement suggest that he is subconsciously on the outlook for or especially attracted by somebody who he can work hard together with and is devoted to the relationship and him. He may end up with somebody very successful and wealthy, who transforms him deeply as this person can feel to him like they are too intense for words to describe them.

His Mars conjunct his Pluto and the descendant accentuates what I previously said as he tends to express his drive and motivation in one-to-one relationships, which can bring a passion and determination into a relationship. He tends to get swallowed up by what he does, oftentimes forgets time or a sense of when to stop when he’s especially motivated or passionate about something. In a relationship that could mean a great deal of loyalty and devotion as well as proactiveness when it comes to achieving shared goals and fulfilling shared desires.

His Venus is in a square aspect with his Neptune, which is in retrograde. As I have discussed before, he needs to give himself time to let himself feel. Here it is suggested that there can be a cloud where certain feelings lie. He has a hard time accessing his subconscious, dreams, spirituality and intuition (in conjunction with his 12th house and Neptune rx he, as he has also confirmed, doesn’t have a good relationship with sleep). He has difficulty with his feelings and recognizing, accepting and embracing them. He can be prone to deception and misjudgment (reality and delusion are blurred, as I said previously and also mentioned a way to “unlock” that). Here it’s possible he may choose a partner not right for him, somebody who deludes him into that tale of an intense and powerful bond as his Venus interception also suggests, as already mentioned; he doesn’t consciously know who he’s looking for. He simply craves love and a comfortable, successful future and tends to see that in people who are not for him. It may be hard for him to feel fulfilled if he doesn’t feel fulfilled with himself yet and also because of this deceptiveness he tends to have.

All these things, the 7th house, Pluto, Scorpio, Mars and the interceptions are very much rooted within him. Having watched this video (I would highly recommend you to check her channel out if you’re into astrology!) on shadows and blind spots in astrology, I realized that love and Chan’s attitude toward love is deeply rooted in him. It can be a sensitive topic and bring out blind spots, parts of himself that he doesn’t really know or want to except. He may push his s/o away for bringing out these deeply rooted and emotionally triggering as well as intense things and shining a light on these aspects he dislikes and rejects about himself. He can live in denial of his longing for love and behavior in love as well as his desires, and be protective over these things. This can express itself in engagement with toxic endeavors and relationships. A build-up of jelousy, rage, vengeance and other negative qualities associated with especially Scorpio can come into play. He may be in denial of them and hardly even be able to access these parts, though I feel like in relationships, these qualities are prone to explode in his chart, as he is also likely to bottle anger up and avoid conflict. Maybe he has a hard time staying with somebody, though he is a devoted lover, because he can’t address the problems rooted within himself and rather projects them onto others in one-to-one relationships. Again, though, when he lets himself feel all these negative feelings, all the hurt and aggression, he can transform into a very powerful person and change who he is on a deeper level. These placements, which are tightly conjunct with love and relationships, point at the most vulnerable and scariest parts of him. Confronting scary parts and being brave is the key here!

His Venus interception, if not resolved, (though even when it’s resolved, it won’t forever be gone,) poses obstacles in love style and overall behavior in specifically romantic relationships. He may be shy and tapping into the unknown as he can be clumsy and confused in love. Like a boy loving for the first time, he will have issues expressing his love in a way he feels like is true to himself or feels comfortable. He has difficulty accessing Scorpio qualities and since his Venus lies in Scorpio, I can see him also bursting sometimes. As in, one day he’s more cold and holds back and on another day he showers his s/o with all the love. He can be very intense in love, especially on these days where he just can’t hold back anymore, where this intensity fizzes up.

I think he’d run into a lot of problems finding somebody who is right for him, but once he’s figured it out, he will be such a devoted partner with a passion to proactively work on the relationship and shared goals and desires. He will work hard for the relationship, just like he does for everything, because after all, that’s how he expresses himself with his Saturn singleton; through work and dedication. Love can be life-changing for him. But emotional highs and lows can occur as he “transitions” and continues to grow. It can often be a deep transformation that can feel like death and rebirth. This is the thing I’ve talked about earlier: he is self-destructive (and can also project these denied things about himself onto others) as he tries holding things associated to Mars, Pluto, the 7th house and Scorpio in his chart back/in. The interception being “unlocked” doesn’t make it disappear though — he’ll still be struggling with it and find it hard to address his emotions, establish routine or take care of himself as he gets lost in his passion and work-ethic.

Lastly, we cannot forget that the 5th house, the Sun, the Moon and the 2nd house usually play a big role concerning love in the birth chart as well. Most of these placements reflect how he knows himself and identifies with certain traits. All the previous things I’ve discussed are things hidden and deeply-rooted in his persona that he can have difficulties recognizing and coping with. So let’s jump into the parts of himself that he’s more comfortable with and more aware of, which also implies a more direct and conscious expression of the following aspects. As I already said referring to the first stages; he approaches romance in a flirty, gentle, fun and romantic way. He may enjoy going on dates a lot, meeting new people, being open-minded and generally gets along with most. He just has an easy time with romance in general as he possesses a natural way with words, though shyly, and a characteristic ability to attract many. It could be that he sees it as a priority to keep the romance alive, so he will keep arranging dates and such all throughout the relationship. Somebody with Libra placements or traits can make him feel special and admired, understood even. He can be a good advisor, great at giving compliments or a “therapist figure” to his partner, and is generally very giving. Good for him would be somebody who gives him validation, reminds him of his self-worth, respects his personal space and creates an environment of privacy and intimacy that’s in a way secret and visatable to only him and his s/o. Somebody who provides comfort, care and affection. (Something else would be conditional love. He could base love off of fairness and imply conditions, which both his Libra placements and his Neptune rx suggest, as Neptune can represent unconditional love and the “merging” of two souls. His Venus in the 6th can also suggest high expectations that hold him back from forgiving his partner’s mistakes and flaws as he could hold a grudge or hold these mistakes against his partner in future affairs.) He may also show his affection in a more practical way with gifts, acts of service and touch.

⇢ dates

I can see him being pretty spontaneous haha. Sagittarius is on the cusp of the 7th house and his Pluto and Mars, which are conjunct his 7th, are also in Sagittarius, so he may enjoy little trips into other cultures with his partner to relax a bit from work. Also, let’s not forget, he has his Sun and Mercury in his 5th and many personal Libra placements, he’s a big romantic. It’s how he knows himself, how he shows himself, how he communicates and how he feels. I thought I’d mention this part of his personality, because it’s the most straight-forward and commonly known “version” of Chan, even to himself. Since a partner tends to bring out 7th house qualities and motivate a person to be less their ascendant (the person they were motivated to be as a child or in their early lives) and more a “hidden” version of themselves (so in Chan’s case more bigger-picture-oriented or in favor of getting to know new cultures instead of only taking short road trips,...). So, here’s a little scenario in 1st person (just skip it if you’re not into flash fiction haha):

After 17 hours of flights and waiting, a hard-bedspring hotel mattress seemed a dream, but “the stars shine bright tonight,” Chan smiled

So instead of a douvet, a beach towel pressed against our backs

It had been 2 months, and though it was only an extended weekend, I was gonna spend every second enjoying him and Montpellier.

“I still hate that I forgot my dress.”

“You look better in my jacket anyway.”

The waning moon painted the sea, shone in his eyes

“Can’t have a cute French guy steal my baby.” Sweater paws covered his dimples, but his eyes told in the way they winged up

“Never.”

The Scorpio and Pluto conjunction is coming through🤭

Taper candle lit and polyester napkin folded into a lotus, we sipped on the nicest sounding wine the menu offered.

He laughed with gold in the eyes, an Italian-style suit and curls on his forehead.

“I’ll get whatever they do.” He tilted his head as shadows traced his dimples. The waiter rose his brows.

“I’d like...uhm...Beu- Boeuf bouuu-” Letters morphed into each other, a strand fell.

“Boeuf Bourguignon. Oui, ready in a minute, madame, monsieur.” He left behind an onion smell.

When Chan reached for Ficelle slices, sleeves were loose on his suit.

“This garlic spread’s nice.”

“So nice, you’ve got to have it on your face?”

He covered his face with the sleeves as he wiped

And then some of the spread ends up on his sleeve lol

If life is a movie // Oh you’re the best part.

11:23pm

D-Major vibrated off his acoustic guitar, and his voice accompanied mine through the last chorus

The mattress was softer than expected and his voice fuzzier than I’d remembered.

Love me, won’t you “ever leave me”

Guitar on the bedside table, his arms enclosed me. Nowhere else would I have rather been. (Lol sorry for being cheesy)

Also can we just appreciate his TALENT for a second like this man gives me goosebumps with that tone and his stunning vocal stability☁️💗

Additional small thought; I think with his Sun conjunct his Mercury in the 5th, he isn’t only good at communication, thinks a lot and is proud of it, but also probably talks to himself haha

Feel free to lmk your own thoughts on this post as well as other aspects concerning his chart, let’s chat!💫

//I also want to add that, yes, without the possibility of him using his birth chart to his advantage and making his “demons” a controlled part of him that he turns for the better, he does have a very difficult love life focused on business and unhealthy power dynamics in which he would most likely be the one seeking control, considering his libra placements as well as the significance of Saturn in his birth chart suggesting that he feels the constant need to conform to societal norms for self-esteem reasons and others talked about above like the Saturn retrograde.//

#astrology #skz #stray kids #bang chan #chan #stray kids astrology #Chan as boyfriend #bang chan headcanons #stray kids headcanons #skz headcanons #astrology ask #kpop #kpop astrology #stray kids fanfic #fluff #stray kids fluff #kpop fanfic #kpop bg #skz scenarios

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storybookstalker · 3 years

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. Riddle Rosehearts

Main Yandere Type → Controlling | Obsessive

♚ Riddle has been taught from a very young age that rules are a necessary part of life. Rules keep you safe, they offer a cold, guiding hand to those who might not know how to properly handle themselves otherwise! These are the morals instilled in him, and just as they extend to his dorm, they extend their icy grip to his darling as well.

♚ Riddle’s descent into obsession goes mostly unnoticed by himself, believing that he’s simply worried for their well-being. Afterall, they have that empty dorm all to themselves, what do they do all day? Just sit around? That won’t do! Aren’t they bored?

♚ He takes it upon himself to create a small schedule for them to follow! It’s just for their mental health, you see, just to give them things to do. He reassures that having a schedule, even the “small” one he gave them will help keep them sane. Don’t worry, Riddle will even update it according to the things they want to do! Just make sure to keep him updated on their life so he can update it on the fly.

♚ By the time he realizes his feelings, he panics and tries to shove them down. He can’t be in love! What would his mother say!? He tries to brush it all off but soon enough he’ll fall off into the deep-end, after-all, who cares what she thinks? Maybe indulging himself, every now and again, isn’t such a horrible idea.

♔ → “Hmph, Really now, I don’t mind doing this. Don’t worry so much, I can take care of this for you.”

♔ → “Oh? You’re joining a club? Why not join the horseback riding club? It’s very fun, there’s a perfect time slot for it so I don’t have to move anything around on your schedule.”

♔ → “If you ever need help controlling that cat of yours, I’m happy to lend a hand.”

. Trey Clover

Main Yandere Type → Possessive | Manipulative

♣ Trey is overly calm about his obsession for the most part. He knows it’s wrong but he just takes it in strides, reassuring himself that he has control over his emotions and actions. He’ll charm his way into his darling’s heart, working his way out of plain friendship and into the passionate affection he wants from them.

♣ He takes all of his obsession in stride, including the increasingly intense desire bubbling in his chest. If he’s losing his mind over them hanging out with the other first years so much, then he’ll just have to gently guide them away from doing that! Trey is much more fun than all of them combined, believe him! When it’s one on one there’s no worry of being left out or leaving anyone out, besides, shouldn’t they be studying more? He’ll help! Trey can help them fix those grades while having fun!

♣ He’ll showly convince them that their “friends” don't actually care about them, ever hear of pity friends? I mean, they haven’t really reached out to darling, now have they? Not that he had anything to do with it, but really! Trey is way more reliable than any of those kids, why does darling even keep them around? As with his obsession, he’s pretty relaxed about getting rid of issues. Slow and steady, he’ll worm his way into isolating them, into being the only one they trust or adore.

♣ Trey will eventually come to confess, but he’ll make sure there’s no way they’ll even think of rejecting him. He’s clearly the best option for a romantic partner, who else knows them so well? Just stay with him, he’s all they truly need anyway.

♧ �� “You seem pretty tired lately. Let me know if you need help with anything, you can lean on me.”

♧ → “Isn’t it exhausting to hang around those guys? Come by if you need a breath of fresh air.”

♧ → “Oh, are you in a good mood? Could you help me with something?”

. Cater Diamond

Main Yandere Type → Obsessive | Stalker

♦ Cater, while hard to attract, is a rather discreet yet intense yandere. He fights his feelings more than riddle does and fights it for longer. He does what he can to try and shove his feelings down, burying his face in his phone whenever he sees them. But sooner or later, he won’t be able to ignore the urge to angle his phone just right and snap a quick photo.

♦ At first, he’s tempted to post it as a joke but the idea of sharing such a special picture with anyone else just makes his insides churn. So he starts a private collection, full of photos, videos of his darling. He finds himself staring at them, analyzing any detail he notices. Cater is quick to fall after his breaking point, obsession keeping a tight hold on his heart and head.

♦ He makes an extra effort to keep smiling in front of them, Cater thinks that if he seems happy, then his darling (and others, but there’s a strong focus on darling) will like him more. Cater attempts to flirt with them at times, but the sheer weight of having their full attention is almost too much for him to handle; he usually backs out of it as casually and quickly as possible.

♦ Cater will probably need some reassurance to approach his darling, or at least time. He doesn’t really feel like he deserves someone like his darling, hell, just looking at them makes his heart jump into his throat. Not that it bothers him too much, stalking them is good enough for him.

♢ → “You look super pretty today, we should pose for my magicam~!”

♢ → “Ah, you’re always so interesting! Let’s talk more often~”

♢ → “Are you bored? Wanna help me with my magicam? It’ll be fun~”

. Ace Trappola

Main Yandere Type → Manipulative | Cruel

♥ Ace blames them for making him feel the way he does. He fully embraces his emotions and teases his darling for it. Not that he outright confesses to them, in fact, he’s pretty likely to hide that his feelings are romantic; at least for a bit. Darling will probably assume he’s just a mean kinda person. He’s just teasing, no need to get worked up about it... right?

♥ Of course, he doesn’t constantly tease. If they need help with something, leave it to Ace! He’ll show them just how reliable and trustworthy he is! Sure, he’s immature, but he’s still totally better than any other guy! Geez, they make him feel all intense and gushy, yet don’t even make an effort to make him their number one? What the hell’s wrong with them?

♥ Don’t worry too much about it, Ace is happy to show you how to act towards him! He’s not the most patient person, so they’ll probably get out of it in favor of doing something fun with Ace. Do better next time, okay?

♥ He likes the idea of being around them 24/7, if not just to make sure he’s the only guy on their mind. Ace probably thinks about stalking them if they’re doing something without him, but where’s the fun in that? If he’s going to stalk them, he’d rather just waltz up to them and start up a conversation or something else fun. He has to talk to them to woo them after all!

♡ → “Why’re you just standing there? If you’re not busy, let’s go do something fun!”

♡ → “Did you miss me? Ha! I knew it! You’re so easy to read.”

♡ → “You should come to Heartslabyul! It’s a lot more fun than Ramshackle.”

. Deuce Spade

Main Yandere Type → Protective | Delusional

♠ Deuce doesn’t have much experience with the feelings his darling gives him, so he’s rather possessive, and protective, of their “relationship”. He does understand they aren’t really dating, but he can’t help but feel like they feel the same. The side glances they share… It must mean something! He can’t help but feel like they’re hiding their feelings behind a friendly mask. They must not want the others to feel awkward, that’s all!

♠ He makes extra steps to make sure they feel comfortable coming to him for help. He’s very reliable! Deuce is happy to assist with what he can, that’s what boyfriends do, right? Deuce will especially want to know if anyone’s bothering his darling, he’ll take care of them. All darling has to do is ask for help, Deuce is happy to set some asshole in their place.

♠ Need help with a subject? Well, he’s not the best at doing schoolwork but he’ll encourage his darling! Deuce will do his best, even if it’s a subject he’s horrible at. If they haven’t joined a club, he’ll ask (beg-) them to join Track and Field! It’s fun, and they’ll get to spend more time together, doesn’t that sound great?

♠ He’s also likely to attempt to stalk them, only to just approach them instead. Though he’ll try to back off some, as much as he’d love to spend every second of every day with them. Though, if he gets some “hints” that they want him around more, he’s more than happy to oblige.

♤ → “Where are you going? Let’s walk together.”

♤ → “Ah- Sorry about that! I didn’t mean to sneak up on you.”

♤ → “I want to be dependable, so don’t be scared to rely on me.”

#yandere twst #yandere twisted wonderland #yandere heartslabyul #yandere Rose Riddlehearts #yandere Trey Clover #yandere Cater Diamond #yandere Ace Trappola #yandere Deuce Spade #yandere headcanons #yandere writing #yandere #yandere blog #twisted wonderland #twst #yandere dorm leaders #yandere dorm vice-leaders #yandere first-years

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onlyherefortheshowmances · 3 years

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So I saw someone else get an anon message that said: “I hate to admit this, but I really can't shake the feeling that Benji loves Victor more than Victor loves Benji at this point.” I wanted to respond as well, because I think this is something people are probably seeing a lot and I really want to explain how I’m looking at it (from personal experience and just from looking at and examining the characters).

CW/TW: Mental Health, suicidal ideation/action mention, Addiction, Emotional Trauma, sex mention, Predatory relationship mention, catholicism, homophobia, misunderstandings, lack of communication, spoilers for love victor seasons 1 & 2 [let me know if I missed anything please]

I want to be frank in saying that Benji is my favorite character and I project onto him a lot (along with seeing a lot of myself in him). I’m also white AF, so I’m sure some of you think that’s relevant, but I really don’t think it is in this particular case. I do also however identify with Victor in a number of ways and I am trying to see the characters both as complex individuals with deep personal histories. Both have suffered traumas and both are clearly dealing with a lot of their own shit on top of being sixteen/seventeen and dealing with junior year of high school and all the pressures and expectations that brings for everyone.

I think what people are interpreting at loving someone more/less is actually about prioritizing someone/a relationship more/less. In my mind, from what I see on screen and interpret, they both love each other beyond words. They are both very much in love with one another. It comes down to how they display that to each other and to the public as well as where on their list of priorities this relationship falls.

Let’s start with Victor, struggles and life:

He is dealing with internalized homophobia and associated thought-patterns stemming from his upbringing in the Catholic church as well from the vocalized homophobic remarks from his mother (toward himself and Benji as well as likely at other points in his life toward strangers), his father (stating that he hopes Adrian doesn’t turn out ‘like that’; the scene in S1 where they’re at the church in Texas and he calls the hairdresser ‘flojito’; etc.), and his grandparents (on his birthday and likely at other points in his life). As a result of this, Victor tried to make himself straight (or at least interested in a girl) by dating Mia because he did like her as a person and everyone was telling him that’s what he was supposed to do. He ended up hurting her and almost losing her friendship (temporarily, he did, but she does seem to have forgiven him now).

He is dealing with outside homophobia as well. That kid on the very first day he was Creekwood responding to Benji helping him up. Felix’s comment that same day of ‘you don’t want to give people the wrong idea.’ The basketball team/gym class guys roasting him about not hooking up with Mia on the ferris wheel. Felix saying he’d be crazy to not like Mia. Lake asking ‘are you gay or something’ when he brought Felix along to Mia’s house, etc., etc. Some of these things may seem innocent enough, but they weren’t. Not to Victor who was already struggling to accept even the possibility that he might be gay. Once he managed to come out to his parents, obviously his father got better fairly quickly, but Isabel continued to struggle for six months which put even more pressure on Victor to try to lead this double life. Once he came out at school, the whole fiasco with the basketball team also occurred and that was a lot for him, because Basketball as always his safe-space. It’s where he went to get away from all the other pressure. It was something he didn’t have to think about and now suddenly, he did. Those pressure are also affecting his ability to think about what he may want and it seems affecting his ability to think (at all sometimes) about how any of that is also affecting Benji. It’s affecting him so much that he’s basically blind to how it’s also affecting Benji to see him suffer. He doesn’t even consider that possibility until Felix brings up how hard it is for him the night Felix breaks up with Lake and Venji get caught having sex.

Victor also has struggles away from just his coming out and accepting himself journey. He has the struggles associated with his parents separation. Until fairly recently, Victor always thought his parents had a perfect relationship. He saw that as the ideal. Get together in High School, get married right away, stay together for ever, happily ever after. That’s what he was raised to expect. And now he’s seeing their relationship fall apart before his eyes. Hell, his devoutly Catholic mother had an affair, and he’s wondering if it’s really possible for your first love to be your only love especially after he and Benji start butting heads, so he’s already vulnerable to that viewpoint when Rahim brings up the possibility. He gets so lost in what’s happening to his parents and what Rahim is saying about it not usually working out that he forgets how in love he is and he sort of loses his will to fight for what he wants, because maybe it’s just doomed to fail anyway (until he sees Benji at the wedding and it sort of hits again - and then Felix’s speech thereafter, obviously). He kind of loses his way by getting caught up in the statistic improbability of your first love being the one and watching his parents’ marriage potentially fall apart and he wonders for a moment if it might be easier, if it might be better to just walk away and go toward Rahim who he seem to get along with and seems to understand the things Benji doesn’t about him, but what he fails to examine in that moment is that he’s only barely scratched the surface with Rahim and that Rahim doesn’t know him like Benji does and that every relationship has it’s ups and downs and what it always comes down to is how willing both parties are to work to make things right. How much you’re willing to step into the other person’s shoes and try to understand. In my opinion, even if he were to walk away from Benji and go to Rahim, that bubble of understanding isn’t going to last forever either. He’s failing to remember that when he got together with Benji (and for most of the summer it seems) that’s exactly what it was like and failing to remember that they have grown beyond that into a deep soul-altering love for one another that deserves his time, energy, and effort and NEEDS those things to keep it going.

Now let’s talk about Victor’s priorities in life:

Victor has always been close with his family, especially his mother. The strain on that relationship is very taxing on his mental well-being. He has a hard time ‘standing up to’ her or talking back to her, etc. because he loves her and he just wants their easy, close relationship back. He already overcame his own anger at her affair to get her back, but now she’s the one pulling away because of his sexuality and it’s hurting him because if he was able to forgive her for something that was actually wrong, why can’t she forgive him for something that he has no control over. So he loves his mother and his family and he hates disappointing them. He has spent most of his life fixing his family’s issues (as he explains to Simon in S1), but now he is the issue and he doesn’t know how to handle it. When in 2x1 he decides to just bring Benji over and try exposure therapy with his mom, it backfires in a big way. Even though they barely touch each other. Even though Benji just says the word boyfriend once, it’s too much for Isabel and Victor desperately wants to please. He desperately wants to not lose his mother (who has always been the person he is closest to), so that causes him to take a step back from going against her and the steps he still takes (telling her he wants her to call Benji his boyfriend not just his friend, the whole conversation outside the church, the conversation with Adrian, etc.) are things that Benji doesn’t get to see happening and it frustrated Victor that Benji won’t even listen to him when he tries to say that his mom is making progress at all, because she is so important to him and yet it seems like Benji just doesn’t even recognize or care about that. This leads him to say the thing he does at Brasstown before Benji runs out, because he assumes that it has to do with Benji being white and of course, that is part of it, but I think Victor in that moment is so overwhelmed by the rejection of his mother and now the refusal of his boyfriend to even try to understand that he snaps. He forgets all the struggles Benji has told him from his own past and he just lashes out which causes Benji to leave [more on Benji’s viewpoint of this whole thing later].

Victor also loves basketball. It’s true that in some case LGBTQIA+ individual participate in certain activities to make them seem more ‘normal’. Gay men participating in sports to seem more macho is a common one, so Benji thinking that’s why Victor plays basketball makes sense to an extend, but he never bothers to ask Victor about, only makes assumptions, and Victor feels like the fact that he actually likes sports makes him ‘not gay enough’ (see conversation with Andrew). What he’s forgetting entirely is his encounter with Bram and the gay basketball league in NYC from episode 1x8. There are many ways to be gay, and sports gays do exist and are perfectly valid. That’s not the type of gay Benji or his friends/bandmates are, but it is the type that Victor is and Benji failing to recognize that and failing to understand or even ask Victor about that drives one of many wrenches into their relationship. In episode 1x5 when Benji shows up to Victor’s first game back on the team and does the Go Grizzlies dance with the other basketball girlfriends, it definitely does a lot of help Victor realize this was just a miscommunication/misunderstanding rather than anything malicious. Basketball and his teammates continue to be a priority for him after this, but that seems to be something Benji is now capable of understanding.

Finally, Victor loves Benji. He wants to be with Benji; there is zero doubt about that. However, for Victor when he’s put on the spot (as in episode 2x8) and basically told he has to choose his mom (who has raised him and been his closest confidant and biggest supporter for his entire life) or his boyfriend (who he’s known for almost a year and been dating for six months and is helplessly in love with) it processes as an error message in his brain. He just wants everyone to get along. He’s not mad that Adrian knows that he’s gay (he’s wanted him to know for months), but he is upset that his mom is now even angrier. [see my section about Benji in this moment, for more about Isabel’s reactions as well] In his mind, telling Adrian could wait. In his mind, he was willing to go along with his mom’s requests for a while longer just to keep the peace so to speak. He didn’t want his whole life to fall apart and that’s what he thought was about to happen in that moment. That’s why he asked Benji to leave. He didn’t want to make his mom any angrier. Could he have chosen his words better? Yes. Could he have made Benji understand better? Yes. But he’s sixteen and his brain wasn’t functioning at full capacity because post-sex brain is definitely a thing and he was also looking at his mom who has already been horrible and barely able to look at him for six months, looking even angrier after he finally thought they’d made some progress after church the previous week.

So in conclusion, regarding Victor:

He loves his family (especially his mom). He loves Benji. He loves Basketball. Obviously, he’s not going to prioritize basketball over either of the human beings involved, but I think it’s important to at least note it’s importance in his life. As for Isabel vs. Benji. To Victor, these are the two most important people in his life. All he wants is to be able to love both of them and have both of them love him in return. When they are pit against each other, especially directly, it’s hard for him to make a choice. It’s hard for him to say ‘no’ to his mom and it’s hard for him to say ‘no’ to Benji, but in the moment (episode 2x8 specifically), he takes Isabel’s side, because he knows the ramifications of saying no to her and of making her even more angry that she already is are far worse than the ones for asking Benji to leave for the night. He failed to realize however, how close Benji already was to the edge and how upset he was going to be and how little he understood (or was willing to try to understand) about the situation. This is something he really needs to communicate with Benji (even though it’s not quite as important now that Isabel’s apparently come around). I think it’s important for Benji to understand that Victor values his relationship with his mother enough that it’s difficult for him to go against her without a lot of preparation and having a fully fledged reason, etc.

Now for Benji - Struggles and Life:

The obvious of course is that Benji is a sixteen/seventeen year old that’s barely a year sober and attending AA meetings regularly. Recovering from Alcoholism is difficult at any age let alone for a teenager. One of the most important factors in recovery is looking at the things that led you to drink in the first place. Looking at things that may be considered triggers and either learning to avoid those people/situations or learning healthy alternatives in those situations. I have multiple family members who are both actively drinking alcoholics as well as those in recovery. I also lost my best friend/ex-fiancé to alcoholism a few years ago, so to say I have some personal experience in this arena is putting it lightly. Benji admits to Victor in 1x7 that he used to drink a lot because he knew he was gay, but didn’t want to be. To me that whole story screamed, I’m an alcoholic and while a lot of others agreed with that opinion. I was not shocked that Victor didn’t understand that underlying truth. Those that don’t have intimate familiarity with alcoholism often do not recognize the signs (either as they happen when when they are not directly told). It is made clear in episodes 2x7 & 2x8 that Benji hates this part of himself, in fact he says as much to Victor when he arrives at his apartment late the night of his birthday. Benji has still not fully accepted that the alcoholic part of himself that attends AA meetings and drinks orange juice while his friends are drinking vodka is one and the same with the part of himself that loves Victor with all his heart. This is something I’d really like to see him reconcile and work on in season 3 and beyond. Understand that you can’t compartmentalize yourself. You are but one whole person and all facets of yourself are in fact part of the singular you. [Not accounting for those with dissociative identity disorder.] It’s not directly mentioned if he’s still struggling with urges to drink, but most if not all alcoholics do, especially when experiencing those aforementioned triggers. Seeing Benji meeting with his sponsor after the incident with Isabel/Victor is not shocking to me and if anything, that was the healthy and correct response on his part. The reason he was drinking in the first place was that he was gay and didn’t want to be (internalized and probably external homophobia) and he just experience some really intense homophobia at the hands of his boyfriend’s mom (and partially said boyfriend himself). Benji’s lack of understanding of where Isabel was coming from in episode 1x8 speaks volumes to just how traumatize Benji still is about his own experiences with homophobia. The only thing he can think about in that moment is that this woman hates me for being gay. She hates her son for being gay. Being gay isn’t okay, etc. What he doesn’t factor in is that Isabel is also devoutly Catholic. I honestly don’t think it’s the gay part of the sex that horrified her the most. The Catholic faith is also very clear on the practice of abstinence from sex (at all) prior to marriage. She would’ve responded the same way had she walked in on Victor having sex with a girl, in my opinion, but in the moment Benji’s own trauma is overriding his ability to understand that because all he can see is the homophobia. This is especially true after she calls him Victor’s friend rather than his boyfriend and that in my opinion, is why he snaps. Could he have phrased it better? Yes. Could he have said it without shouting? Yes. But he is a freshly seventeen-year-old whose brain is not functioning on all cylinders in that moment.

Sort of coupled with his alcoholism and recovery therefrom is the allusion his mother makes to ‘dark times’ following his accident. I do have suspicions that perhaps he was also struggling with mental illness, and likely continues to. Depression to the point of suicidal ideation or actions (possibly only in the form of drinking, but possibly in other forms as well). Anxiety is pretty obvious from his actions and reactions throughout the series as well. I also think he is dealing with some sort of trauma-based disorder stemming from the homophobia he experienced (especially the instance of his father taking him to strip-club). It may go as far as C-PTSD (which I myself am diagnosed with) or it maybe something less (or even more). I’m not in the habit of sticking mental health diagnoses of people (fictional or otherwise though). Dealing with these things on top of what in his eyes feels like rejection from not only Isabel, but in a way from Victor as well likely causes some very unpleasant thought patterns and the potential for thought spirals and the likely. I also see indications that he could suffer from co-dependency (whish I also have dealt with in the past), but I’m honestly not sure if that’s me projecting or if it’s actually there.

Then on top of all of that, his boyfriend who he loves more than anything in the world, tells his deepest darkest secret to someone he’s literally never met or spoken to and that said boyfriend has only known for maybe a week at best and thinks it’s no big deal. In that moment, I can 110% see why Benji requests to take a break and I feel that choice is 110% the right one to make. What is a relationship built on if not trust? Victor just destroyed most if not all of the trust Benji had in him. That doesn’t mean he stopped loving him, just that he doesn’t trust him. Love isn’t something you can turn off and on like a light switch especially not the kind these two share. I definitely think Victor has a lot of explaining to do and a lot of apologies to make. I do also think they both need to have a really long, really honest and open conversation. Benji needs to be willing to get a little vulnerable and explain why certain things are causing him so much distress, but he also needs to be willing to listen to Victor explain why he can’t simply go against his mother as Benji seems to think he should. They both really demonstrated a degree of selfishness this season along with an lack of communication and a lack of willingness to understand or even try to understand each other’s points of view and that is a recipe for disaster in any relationship.

There also exists the issue of Benji’s parents. His mother especially seems to overstep quite frequently and insert herself into his life where she was not invited or expected. I do wonder if this was always her personality or if this is something that started after Benji’s accident. I have a hunch it was likely the latter. I see indications that perhaps there was some neglect or just general indifference on his parents part as he was growing up. They clearly missed that he had started drinking heavily and that he stole his dad’s car that night. He was also evidently dating Derek for quite a while before the accident. (Derek is another section by himself though.) This not to mention the fact that his father took him to a strip club and paid for a lap dance when he was no more than sixteen if he was even that old, in an effort to turn him straight. Benji tells Victor in episode 1x7 that he and his dad used to be close and that they used to go to Dollywood on road trips and other such things, but that he’s been distant since he came out. We see from the scene where he walks in on Benji and Victor making out that he’s not vocally/outwardly homophobic, but I would not doubt that he still harbors some of those viewpoints in himself. It’s evident to me that Benji is not close to his parents (he may once have been, but at this point it’s pretty clear that he’s not anymore). Benji doesn’t have siblings to the best of our knowledge. It’s also mentioned that his nana (like a paternal grandmother) is deceased, so it’s really not clear how much contact he even has with his extended family or how much of one exists. For these reasons, in his mind, there is no circumstance where his family (especially not his parents) would take precedence of his own happiness or Victor’s. That is why it confuses/hurts/angers him that Victor doesn’t stand up to Isabel, because if the roles were reversed, he would have no problem at all telling his own mother (or father) off. He doesn’t seem to comprehend Victor’s need to keep his relationship with his mother intact. I’m very glad Isabel pointed out to him that Victor has stood up to her and risked their relationship for him, but the disconnect still lies in that Benji isn’t a fan of the fact that he didn't’ do that in his presence and that he didn’t do more.

Then there’s Derek. Derek is at least a sophomore in college in season 2 as he was clearly in college in season 1 as well. Meaning he is at least 19/20 when Benji is 16/17. They had been together for a year the previous spring (episode 1x6) which means they started dating when Benji was 15 and Derek was no younger than 18 (I think he is like at least a year older than the youngest possibility). Georgia’s age of consent is 16, and there are no ‘Romeo and Juliet’ laws in place in the state meaning it is categorically illegal for anyone 18 years of age or older to engage in sexual acts with anyone 15 years of age or younger unless they are legally wed, meaning until Benji’s 16th birthday, this relationship was illegal in general not to mention the predatory nature of someone in college dating a high school sophomore to begin with. They generally don’t prosecute if the people involved are within 4 years of each other though (which coincides with ‘Romeo and Juliet’ laws in other states) which they could’ve been within depending on Derek’s actual age and birthday. It doesn’t seem like charges were filed either way which is questionable on Benji’s parents part. Benji also tells Victor in 1x10 that Derek made him feel bad a lot of the time about the things he like and about being a romantic, we also see Derek crap all over Benji’s special anniversary date in 1x6. The toxicity of that relationship is sure to have left it’s mark on Benji and carried over into his new relationship with Victor. I also find it questionable that knowing that, Benji was shitting all over Victor’s love for basketball at one point (isn’t that exactly what he complained about Derek doing to him about his interests?), though as you see in my earlier comments, I do understand that perhaps Benji wasn't’ fully aware that Victor actually liked basketball and wasn’t just doing it to seem straight/make his dad happy/etc. I also think it’s quite confusing that Victor managed to come up with that date idea for Benji in 1x6 and then the best he could do for Benji’s birthday was champagne and sex? I’d be more than marginally hurt over that if I was Benji, to be completely fair. It is also worth it to note that Benji stayed with Derek for over a year despite all of their problems (which goes back to the possibility of co-dependency issues) and yet he was willing to break up with him just to chase after the possibility of Victor. They had already connected on so many levels even prior to that night that even the possibility of that relationship made Benji willing to leave someone he’d been with for more than a year (obviously Victor’s little speech in the hallway played a part in that).

Benji’s Priorities:

In Benji’s world, he has a few things that could be considered priorities.

Maintaining his sobriety is obviously one, but he keeps that separate from everything else. I don’t see it being held above or below anyone or anything. It’s just a completely separate thing to him (which again I feel he needs to reconcile). He was able to do that while also appeasing his friends and Victor (see episode 2x4 where he switches out his cups).

His music/band is obviously a priority, but again that’s something basic that everyone knows about and accepts. He doesn’t have choose between that and anything or anyone else that we’re shown.

Victor is his primary priority however. To him, that is the most important relationship/person in his life. He doesn’t know what he’d do without him. He says he loves that part of his life which I take to mean, he loves who he is when they’re together and not so much when they’re apart. To him, there is no question of who he would choose if there was a choice in front of him between Victor and literally anyone else (including his parents). That is why it confuses/hurts/angers him when the choice isn’t so simple for Victor when he actually has to make one between Benji and Isabel. Benji isn’t close with his parents and he doesn’t seem to understand what it is like for someone that is. Even if his parents didn’t come around right away. Even if they still may not be fully on board with everything, it didn't’ matter that much to him, because he could stand up to them because he didn’t care about destroying a relationship, because there already wasn’t much of one to begin with. This leads to him not understanding that Victor is seriously conflicted in the moments where he is made to choose between his boyfriend and his mother, because to Benji that choice is crystal clear. Again, they could really do with an honest conversation about this where Benji actually listens and tries to understand where Victor’s coming from, because right now, I think he just doesn’t quite get it. It’s clear that Isabel’s speech at Brasstown helped him to understand or at least start to, and obviously now that Isabel isn’t so much of an obstacle everything becomes a little easier, but it is still something that I really feel they need to discuss and understand about each other.

In conclusion:

Both of these boys need therapy (individual, family, and couples), and they would really benefit from a lot more open and honest communication where they both are able to speak honestly about their needs and desires as well as both being able to listen to and understand (or try to at least) one another.

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iamanartichoke · 3 years

Text

I'm creating my own post in order to avoid adding negativity to someone else's, but I will link the post that inspired this one for context. This post talks about the theory that King Loki is the one pulling the strings, and it's mostly a theory that I can get behind as laid out by OP, but I have a serious problem with the role Sylvie may play in it, which is what this post is about.

So, okay, I was with [OP] right until this part -

Except, King Loki never met Sylvie. King Loki is everything Show Loki could’ve become if he hadn’t met her. Who he still could be, because it’s possible for him now to kill King Loki and take his place. But he won’t do that, because meeting Sylvie set him on a different path. Because she taught him how to love himself, he can let go of his need to grasp at power to feel special and important and in control of his life.

I'm not saying this is wrong (and my criticism is no reflection whatsoever on OP's theory in general, which is pretty sound overall), but I am saying that if the show chooses to go this way, I'll probably rage quit. It's a lazy trope to fall back on - that the only thing that could prevent Loki from becoming an evil mastermind and/or supervillain is meeting "the one" (in this case, Sylvie) and falling in love with her. It's so over simplified.

For one thing, I don't see how Sylvie taught him anything, let alone how to love himself. They may have a bond even after knowing one another such a short period of time; I'll give them that, since they're variants of one another and that strips away some of the layers and allows them to connect more easily. But Sylvie's existence isn't a lesson and while Loki may admire her for what she's accomplished, it doesn't automatically mean he can see himself capable of the same things. Whether he is capable or not isn't the point. He clearly doesn't hold himself in as high regard as he holds Sylvie (which is super in-character for him, to downplay his own strengths and potential even while recognizing the value in someone else's). Maybe he can learn to view himself as favorably as he views her, but to me, that's not what "teaching someone to love themselves" means.

(It's worth mentioning - but I won't digress too much - that at this point in the show, Sylvie shows no indication that she returns Loki's feelings, nor has she gone out of her way to build him up or show him that he's worthy of love, so it really is just Loki's feelings for her that we're relying on, that this point, to carry the love story.)

To be honest, I don't think he even necessarily views Sylvie as a variant of himself, as much as he views her as a separate person. She may know what it feels like to be a Loki, but her experiences are so different from Loki's and her path is so far diverged that it's more akin to meeting someone who knows what it's like to struggle with depression (or mental health in general): their perspectives are similar, and their emotional cores may align, and meeting may make each of them feel like they're not so alone - but she is Sylvie and Loki is Loki and neither one of them can step into the other's shoes and know exactly what it's like to be them. The way that he interacts with her implies that Loki is aware of this - that is, he's aware that they are two separate people, even as Mobius insists that they're the same.

So my point is, even if Loki admires Sylvie or falls in love with her bc of reasons, I would still fail to see how that put him any closer to loving himself. But say it did, for arguments' sake, since that's what the writers are going for. I still feel like it would be lazy to say that this is the one thing that stops Loki from becoming the most evil version of himself. It undermines Loki's legitimate trauma and layers of issues, like his fear of abandonment, his crippling lack of self-esteem, his belief that his worth has never been equal to that of Thor's, his identity crisis and struggle with the idea that he is "a monster," figuratively and literally. By virtue of all of these things being major contributing factors to Loki's fall and his villainy and his need for power to feel in control - which I believe that they are - it would naturally follow that, unaddressed, these would be the major contributing factors to Loki becoming more and more evil until we have a King Loki masterminding the TVA (and, by extension, the timeline, the multiverse, and free will itself - like, that's some pretty significant evil, or at least power).

(Again, it's worth acknowledging that it didn't go that way for Prime!Loki, who proved more than once that he was a good person at heart, and he never met Sylvie either - but, that's beside the point right now.)

But Sylvie can't be the sole person who inspires Loki to address these things, nor would these things just go away or fail to hold the same weight once Loki meets and falls in love with her. Loving Sylvie doesn't change that Loki is a frost giant and has never come to terms with that. It doesn't mean he's suddenly not afraid of abandonment, or of being alone. It doesn't fix the complicated twist of emotions (understatement) Loki feels when it comes to Thor and the concept of worthiness and the truth of their parents' love for them.

At best, one could argue that Sylvie may act as a support system that Loki might not have otherwise had, which would allow him to then confront and untangle his way through these issues to ultimately suceed in becoming the best version of himself. This still renders her role in Loki's life a supporting one as opposed to the one thing that can stand between Loki as he is now and Loki as he has the potential to be (in this case, a full-fledged supervillain).

Loki's issues are issues that will not go away until Loki faces them head on and does the work. Which is a journey, admittedly, too long and complex to be accurately portrayed on-screen in a limited series, but the narrative can either imply that Loki's journey is one of self-love with his feelings for Sylvie acting as a catalyst to his working through the things standing in the way of that self-love - or, it can skip all of that and say that Loki's self-love journey begins and ends with his love for Sylvie, and not only does this "fix" him but it's also the one thing that prevents him from becoming a supervillain who presumably controls all of these things - the TVA, the timelines, etc - without remorse.

I, personally, would have no interest in the latter option, so if it does go that way, I think that'd be it for me. And I realize that a lot of my argument here is focusing on Loki ending up as King Loki, which is still speculation and it may not go that way at all. But I think that - since the show has confirmed it's going to explore self-love through a romance - my points about Sylvie's ultimate role in Loki's journey of self-acceptance are still worth mentioning, I think.

#loki tv series spoilers #loki series spoilers #loki spoilers #loki series negativity #since i'm criticizing a theoretical aspect of the show and not anything concrete #the negativity tag would apply

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transgenderteensurvivalguide · 3 years

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So I looked through a detransition blog just out of curiosity, since it was one you reblogged, but now I’m super... freaked out? I have a top surgery consultation in April but now I have this weird fear that I’m faking it or that I’ll regret it afterwards. I’ve identified as somewhere along non-binary and trans (he/they!) for over a year, and I’ve known I’m not a girl for even longer, but now I’m just so afraid that maybe I don’t know myself at all. Do you have any advice on what this is?

Lee says:

Discussing your feelings with a therapist can sometimes help you untangle the anxiety from everything else. It’s reasonable to have some apprehension about a major surgery that can have a big impact on your life because it is a big change- and like any other surgery, it also has medical risk and can result in complications.

And reading about other people’s feelings about their surgeries can be helpful! I do recommend reading things from people who were happy with the outcome and reading things from people who weren't to get a better perspective on the range of experiences that can exist. Only reading the negative or the positive doesn’t provide a balanced view!

But even if you read other people’s stories, and talk to them about why they feel the way they do about their choices and bodies, nobody else can tell you what you should do for yourself. Even a therapist can’t know for sure if you will regret surgery (or anything else that you choose to do) because nobody can see into the future, see into your heart, and see into mind simultaneously to and determine for certain what it is that you need.

As soon as I came out as non-binary when I was 15, I started saving money for top surgery. I was someone who ran towards top surgery at full tilt and I didn’t give myself any space for doubt about whether it was the right choice for me because I felt it was the only choice I had-- forwards or nothing. I was pretty severely depressed at the time and had a brief hospitalization the month before I turned 18, and I was sort of pinning all my hopes on top surgery reducing my dysphoria and booting out my depression. So I scheduled my consultation as soon as I turned 18 and was legally an adult and could do so without parental permission. I immediately scheduled my surgery for the soonest available date, and had inverted-T incision top surgery about 3 months after I turned 18.

Now I’m 21 years old, and I’m 3 years and 5 months post-op from my top surgery.

In retrospect, top surgery was 110% the right choice for me. If I could do it all over again, I’d do it in a heartbeat. Top surgery really did reduce my dysphoria by a significant amount, and that made it easier for me to cope with my depression and other mental health issues. I was proudly parading around the house shirtless as soon as I was able to stop using post-op compression, before my incisions had even healed into scars.

I don’t have any dysphoria about my chest anymore, especially now that I’ve gotten tattoos to cover my scars. I finally feel like I look like how I always knew I was meant to look.

I don’t post pictures of my chest anymore because I have distinguishing tattoos but I’ve posted a few before/after pictures when I was 3 years post-op and I think things have only gotten better now.

I was lucky to not have any complications; I don’t have any nerve pain, and hypertrophic or keloid scarring, and I didn’t need any revisions. But there are some things that are non-ideal compared to if I had just been born with a typical cis-guy flat chest. My nips are a little wonky in color and shape, and I plan on getting medical tattoos at some point to even the edges out. I also have slightly muted sensation in my chest now, so everything is like slightly number than it was before.

When I was pre-op, I did enjoy having nipple sensation that was pleasurable; even though I had inverted t-incision top surgery which preserved the nipple stalk, I still only have tactile, temperature, and pain sensations in my chest. If you put an ice cube on my nipple and my eyes were closed, I’d know it was cold. If you poked me while I was looking away, I’d still feel it. And if you squeezed me, it would hurt. But somehow it doesn’t feel good anymore like it used to.

I don’t know how much of that loss in erotic sensation is a mental thing and how much is a physical change caused by scar tissue build up around the nerve. But regardless, it is a real loss.

For me, that loss is well worth it. While I might have been physically capable of experiencing erotic nipple/chest sensation before, I rarely actually did have that experience because it made me too dysphoric and I didn’t like to take my shirt off during sex. Now I feel more fully present and comfortable in my own body and it makes me more engaged so I can focus on my partner and on the other feelings I’m having and how I look isn’t something that is detracting from the experience.

In general, top surgery has made my life better in a million ways. I love running shirtless with my college cross country team, I like going swimming at the beach with no shirt, and I like the way I look now when I see myself in a mirror after stepping out of the shower.

When I get dressed in the morning, my day starts off on a neutral note because it’s just me putting on clothes. Sometimes I pause to think about how I can just put on a shirt and feel good about it and move on. Before, I used to be upset every morning because the first thing I’d be reminded of when I woke up was that my chest was there and I didn’t want it to be. I’m Autistic, and binding was Not comfortable for me sensory-wise, so not having to bind was also nice.

I would choose to get top surgery again, but that doesn’t mean that it’s the right choice for each and every person. I am sure it was the right choice for me, and I have no regrets at all, I never want to have breasts again. But someone else might think that not having erotic nipple sensation is a dealbreaker, or they might not be comfortable with scars if they tend to heal with more visible raised scars that are harder to cover with a tattoo like I did mine.

So I can tell you that top surgery has made my life better and I’m glad I got it and I don’t think that there would have been any way for me to be as happy as I am now if I had not gotten it. Top surgery is life saving and life-changing for some people, and I am one of those people. I might be more inclined to tell people that if you think you need surgery you should get it because my surgery went so well and because I’m still identifying as genderqueer, transmasculine, and non-binary, just like I was when I was 15, so my identity is pretty static there.

Some other post-op people may tell you that they regret their surgery, that they wish they hadn’t done it, and they would make a different decision if they could go back in time. They might want to help warn other people to not make the same mistake that they did. Detransitioned folks often (but not always) have a different perspective than folks who persisted in being transgender and that’s okay- it isn’t a better perspective or a worse one, just a different one. But both trans and reidentified people can feel this way, even though it’s usually more common for de-trans folks to regret surgical procedures that it is for trans folks.

I semi-rushed into surgery for both emotional and logistical reasons but I knew it was right for me. But that isn’t the best choice for everyone and if you aren’t 100% sure that it is what you want and need then there’s nothing wrong with having the consultation with the surgeon to learn more and then thinking things over before you schedule a surgery date (or don’t), you don’t need to immediately schedule a surgery date after the consult. Think of it as an interview and as an information gathering session.

Neither of us can tell you what you should do because neither of us are “right” or “wrong” about top surgery. It’s just a different experience and a different perspective. We all have biases based on our own way of seeing things, and that can inform our advice.

If you know what the risks are, and you’ve given it careful thought and can provide an informed consent, then whether you should get surgery is your decision. I won’t tell you “go get it!” or “don’t go get it!” and I don’t think that any blogger should be telling anons what medical procedures to get or not get.

Worrying that you’re faking it, that you don’t know who you are, and worrying about regret is something that can be pretty scary and frustrating, but you don’t need to figure it out on your own, and it’s okay to take a little longer to come to a decision and talk it over with a therapist if you think it’s necessary to help you cope with that anxiety.

But yeah, I believe that ultimately you have to trust your gut feelings on what you know to be right for you.