Lonesome || Despondent || Resigned
I always wonder what having you would be like
if you weren’t on the other side of the world;
How would you and I have met?
How would we have started talking?
Would we still have caught each others eye?
I wonder if you and I would have had it easier, not being separated by an ocean
I think that's what makes this so much harder
because now we will never know, will we?
Never will we know what it would have felt like
to be welcomed by your breathtaking face in the morning
Or to curl into your arms at night
Never will we know how I would have made you fall in love with all the holidays and celebrations you disliked;
how I would have woken you up with a warm cup of tea and a tender kiss, hoping you'd get to start your day on the right note
I truly wanted to give you the world, and wrap myself in every single part of you
I wanted to learn about every nook and cranny of your personality
Your pain, your fears, your weaknesses, your worries
I wanted to pour myself into them like a a warm bowl of buttermilk and soothe your scars
I wanted to be your safe place, the one you came to when you felt like the rest of the world was trying to push you too far over the edge
And most of all,
I wanted to hear every thought you perceived to be too rough for me to handle
I wanted to be there for you
But I don't know if my inner child would have let me
She was scared and helpless, used to being put second
and every distant "hello", every dismissive word shoved her further and further into a hole she was trying to climb out of
She needed to be seen
She needed to know she was worth being a priority
So I had to make one of the hardest choices of my life
Now I'm trying to figure out if it was worth it
If leaving was the right choice
Because the way I feel now is something I already felt when I was with you
The only difference is then I still had you
Now I don't