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#like get a job and have a future. ugh. depression is so fucked esp bc most things in my life are normal I guess or like easier than my
milo-is-rambling
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10 months
Text
I am so high I love you dabs I love you big bong rips I love you huge heavy bong I love you only having 20 dollars to my name and no plans but getting high and ignoring it I love you oh no I’m thinking about it
#I want to take an ice cold shower and scream and smoke a whole pack of cigarettes and lock myself in a closet for 72 hours in the dark with
#no distractions to figure out what I actually want to do with the rest of my life and to face every bad thought I have and struggle to
#ignore even years later like ugh I just need to be at the bottom of the ocean floating sinking alive dead in between for like a month and
#then pull me back up and either I’ll be normal or I’ll be so fucked up they just put me back in there
#like either way I am vibing at the bottom of the ocean (I have been desperately imaging a sensory deprivation tank all day)
#(put me in a fucking sensory deprivation tank until something in my fucking brain rewires and I get worse or better than I am now this
#inbetween stage is fucking killing me like what do you mean I’m not a horrible person but also what do you mean I struggle every day but I’m
#normal but I have things about me other people don’t and alienate me to the point of near total isolation but also this is just how humans
#are and I need to take meds and actively struggle to fit into a perfect little box of what a person should be like god damn I am so tired of
#getting better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and I’m miserable and I’m happy and I’m sobbing and
#I know a month from now I’ll be depressed again or I’ll be the best I’ve ever been and it’s so fucking horrible to be in the middle stage
#where I actually have to step up and admit shit is wrong and face it like why can’t I just lay in bed forever until I become the bed and not
#like get a job and have a future. ugh. depression is so fucked esp bc most things in my life are normal I guess or like easier than my
#friends like we all have seperate challenges but I’m the only one still living off their parents (ha. parent. forgot for a second.) and the
#only thing wrong with my life is the mental health issues but I won’t step up and deal with it bc I feel like I’ve been depressed for so
#long I like fucked up the foundational shit and like I know it’s fine but also I feel so behind and I feel like I’ll be behind and unhappy
#forever even when im happy I know the next depressive episode is right around the corner and I give up again. ugh. I hate knowing that’s
#what’s wrong with me but still not having the energy to step up and fix it. im so pathetic I want to cry. my brain is me but my brain is
#destroying my life. anyways. im high and now im sad and have dry mouth. I think im gonna drink ice water and change into shorts+lay in bed)
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