you have to grow out the “i love bullying people” mentality at some point dude
ok somethign kinda personal but also I want to talk about something else here
I always hated going to weddings and I didn't know why, it was just like that.There was an event in my life I already thought about but not from that point of view. I always felt out of place and I always thought it started there but now I am sure it was even more damaging then I ever thought.
It was a “ fake wedding event” in Kindergarten and the two that would get to be “married” were my two best friends, you could say we were a trio of sorts. As a kid I never understood why, well I still don't know why them. It made me feel incredibly out of place and I asked myslelf “What is wrong with me... why them? Why not me?” I now just realize like 20 years later that this might actually be another reason why I hate attending weddings so so much. Not that I think “oh why not me being getting married” (I really don't care about that honestly) it's more that I really hated being dressed that way and such because then I got this feeling “it doesn't feel like me”. It made me feel so out of place.
This is just horrible!!! As a kid I shouldn't think about “why not chose me” that shouldn't even be a thing in a damn child's mind!!! Additionally how did it never cross their minds that it might make our friendship weird?!?? Don't get me started on how disrespectiful it is for you know a certain problem that is going on in this world. There are so many problems with that I don't want to go too much into detail now (and I mean the other two not just about me, just genuinely what the fuck.)
My point is please be aware of children and how they might feel about things like that. They were never asked if they want to do that or anything adults just had that idea and bascially forced them to do it of course some thought it was kinda fun because like costumes and stuff (I am sure some don't even remember that) but what about those that didn’t want that?
I was one of those children who already had some grasp of what is happening around me. It's so sad that I knew I wasn't as cute as him (Neurodermitis). My best friend was like the favourtie kid of that one tutor, which pretty much made me try to overcompensate with things, trying to be good at everything bascially. It was truly stressing.
All I am saying please don’t force your children into things they might turn out to be so different in the end and just listen to them please...
They did the bank sucessfully today!!! I don't know how they worked things out with Chang Gang, but I think it was mainly because Yuno and co's thermite and dongles were able to expire today/tomorrow.
Today was SO scuffed though. Like beyond scuffed. They took hours to set up, but then Ray's head popped and so he had to get keys again. Then as they were going to the Vault, server reset. They lost all their cars and bikes and had to rush to reset their main plan, but didn't have their backup plan.
They get to the Vault with one hostage, cops show up by chance. Tony shows up with a ton of hostages. The hacking was super anxious. Sykkuno failed the second laptop twice. But he suceeded and hacked everything! So they took the car to a bridge and jumped into the water, swam over to some bikes, took them to some hidden planes. Only Ray and Sykkuno made it to the bikes, made it to the planes and took off. But Lang was stuck in the water and he had all the money.
Yuno was like, Ray, drop me off and go get Lang. He's more important. And then dove back into the water. He landed on Tony, killing him(He didn't find out for quite a while). He swam to shore and got to safety.
Meanwhile Ray was about to save Lang and fly away like some epic movie scene. But then the server crashed. And crashed a couple minutes later.
After that, Sykkuno spawned at the apartments and OOC told him everyone but Tony, who was caught, was declared out. He called Ray up, they talked about things. Server crashed again. It crashed one or two more times before the night was up.
But they got away(Except for poor Tony, Sy raided him in apology at the end of stream). Everyone got 2 gold bars off the bat($10k), a ton of bags(Sykkuno has about $50k in bags in his apartment with his recent jobs), and 6 inked bags that will dry out in a week($300k, but not sure how they'll split due to Ray/Lang buying stuff) so a really good haul.
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Thoughts on how close Five was with each of his siblings as kids? Or alternatively, if he'd never time traveled, how would his relationship with them have evolved? Sorry if you've answered something similar before x
Hmmm. I don’t think I’ve actually ever gotten one like this before. It’s definitely an interesting question. XD
The show seems to make the point that Vanya and Five were very close as kids (it doesn’t seem like they’re quite as close now, but that could just be because of how crazy the past two seasons have been for both of them, but there are tons of little clues that point to them being quite close)
But beyond that, I don’t really know. I’ve seen speculation that Five and Ben were close, or even Five and Klaus. Sadly we just don’t know because there is a criminal lack of flashbacks of him with everyone else. There’s really only a small handful and they’re very brief and it’s mostly in group setting and for the purpose of plot or introductory. It makes me really sad that we just...don’t know.
All we can really do is speculate based on personality and the tiny tidbits we do have. Also imma apologize because this is about to get kinda long.
So here’s my speculation based on that.
Luther: The only one on one scene we really have with young Five and Luther is the argument in the background of the recording room. They mostly argue about Five’s plans to travel. So maybe they clashed as kids? Which I can almost see because Five is definitely not afraid to question people’s authority or decisions. On the flip side, it almost looks like Luther is laughing in the background as Five toys with the bank robber, or maybe he’s just shielding his face? Idk.
Diego: Again, there is very little to go off of for them. But in her book, Vanya does mention something about Diego helping Five with his ‘technique’, plus Five was running around with his knives and holster in the apocalypse. Diego was also the one that yelled “Five cheated!” during the staircase training. As for their personalities, I’m not really sure because they clash now, but Diego did seem like he was a bit different as a child. He still had an attitude but it seems like he used to wear his softer side a little more openly but gradually became more bitter and angry. Maybe they were semi-close as kids? Like they probably still clashed but maybe they had their moments? Again, pure speculation.
Allison: We literally only have crumbs of them in canon and like...absolutely nothing of them as kids. But as adults, they seem to sass people together and try to help each other when they get hurt. Sadly they were both quite different as kids so there’s no telling. They don’t really seem to clash all that much so maybe they were like...okay with each other but not close? Young Allison is usually seen with Luther more than anybody so we have almost nothing to go on lol
Klaus: Again, not much, but Five did let Klaus lean on him during the bank flashback and was smiling so he is at least comfortable with him.
In the original pilot script (which is somewhat different from the final product) he says that Klaus “the floating idiot” is the only one he trusts besides Vanya, but again, the dynamics and details are a bit different so it’s hard to tell. I can see them having a sort of unlikely friendship. They are very different from each other but from what we see it does seem like they got along well enough.
Ben: We only have crumbs but he did call his name along with Vanya’s when he landed in the apocalypse so he was definitely worried about/looking for him. Not much after that but they do seem to be framed next to each other oftentimes in the flashbacks (but that could be because they are right next to each other in number). They are standing shoulder to shoulder outside the bank, they’re next to each other when they are waiting to get their tattoos, and they appear side by side during the portrait scene. Also in the layout of the academy, their rooms are the only ones not grouped with everybody else’s on the main floor. Five’s room is upstairs and we never see Ben’s room but during the flashback with Grace, Ben comes running from somewhere by the stairs so either his room was by the stairs or upstairs with Five’s. I also just realized I don’t think they’ve ever actually directly interacted or shared dialogue AT ALL so we have almost absolutely nO REFERENCE FOR WHAT THEIR DYNAMIC IS THIS IS A TRAVESTY
Vanya: I would say Vanya is probably the sibling we have the most reference for in terms of childhood. She referred to Five as her sole confidant in Extra-Ordinary and also mentioned how she would show Five the new music pieces she was working on. She tried to tell him ‘no’ when she saw he wasn’t getting anywhere with Regard about the time travel and she was worried when he stormed out. She left sandwiches for him. He called her name when he ended up in the apocalypse and even carried around Extra Ordinary to keeps notes in most of his life. He also went to her first about the apocalypse. They definitely seemed like they cared about each other.
Honestly, there’s a part of me that likes to think he had some sort of bond with all of his siblings. Some common ground or special thing he shared with each of them, even if they didn’t always get along.
And what would it look like if he never disappeared? Well, Five seems to think he would’ve been an emotionally stunted man-child, which might be true, but I think Five would still have grown up loving his siblings very much. I think it’s a part of who he is at his core and the apocalypse just amplified that.
In S1 Luther said “ I know you're still a good person, Five,” indicating that as kids, he did think of him as a good person in some capacity.
I think...for all his attitude problems, there is a kindness beneath it all. I mean look at his bond with Vanya, he still paid attention to her even though everybody else brushed her off. He was nice to her even when he was in an environment where it would have been easy not to be simply by peer example.
Who knows what would have happened. Maybe he could’ve saved Ben. Maybe he would’ve stuck with Vanya when they moved out, maybe Extra Ordinary wouldn’t have been quite as bitter. Maybe he would’ve tried to maintain some connection with his other siblings too. Maybe they all would’ve eventually drifted back together. Maybe, in the end, that’s his real superpower; bringing his family together.
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u missed some malex, babe: embodiment of the fire emoji rec list
Morning Glory by @foramomentonly
Words by Buddy Wakefield: “I no longer need you to fuck me as hard as I hated myself.” Rated: E
to love and to cherish by @lambourngb
Alex was absolutely prepared to die here and now. Rated: E
Like A Hearse You'd Die To Get In Again by @skinsharpenedteeth
Alex and Michael have some life-affirming sex at Noah's funeral reception in one of Isobel's guest rooms. Rated: E
Take me home by evanoracronwell
Alex knows exactly the effect he has on Michael. Rated: E
masterpost (If you read something you like, drop some kudos or comments on that gem. Did you know you can comment with emojis or gifs? The best.)
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Fellow ADHDers: we all know how sometimes your brain can do So Many things all at once but yall ever find itll occasionally latch on to something and you just cant think of anything else?? For instance just now i was eating a dark chocolate sea salt caramel and thinking of the phrase "dark chocolate sea salt caramel" over and over again because that's what's on the container even though I have them here in a plastic sandwich bag.
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when u vent like the impostor
not the wifi in the dorms going to shit while im taking ss
im gonna eat your hands sir
also can i get uhhh advice. am i allowed to br mad for the following scenario:
i sent my friend j****** a moderately lengthy paragraph about my dog being dead and how im worried for simon because he isnt taking it very well and she left me on read, which isnt a big deal bc i thought maybe she was busy and couldnt reply at that moment. and then she just.. changed the subject. without saying even im sorry or how are u or anything. so i didnt answer her message about her house being haunted because 1) i was disappointed that she didnt care about sabre and 2) i had just punched in for work and i cant just. go on my phone at work. and then a couple of hours later she messages me and asked if i got her message. i just said “yes” and she replied with “then why didnt you answer”. so i, petulantly, said “sorry my dog died and im feeling a bit upset. also im at work” and she replied, and i QUOTE, “its just a fucking dog” WHAT??????? i literally wasnt even mad until she said that!!!!! i was only slightly... hurt? its really hard to hurt my feelings and yet. she did it! and now im fucking livid. its worse bc she had JUST been at my house and she has been at my house thousands of times and she ALWAYS claimed to love sabre. like she doesnt like simon at ALL, which is fine. u dont have to lvoe my pets. she likes stinky but she said she loved sabre w all her heart and i feel like she’s disrespecting sabres memory somehow. she wasnt “just” a dog she was a BABYDOG. idk maybe im sad so im overreacting but i feel hugely disrespected and like something has just permanently shattered in our friendship but ive literally never felt so disgusted with someone i called a friend in my life. if she hadnt met sabre or pretended to love her so much i wouldnt be As upset. or if she didnt call herself a dog person, even. if she hated dogs i could see her having the just a dog attitude bc she wouldnt have the emotional attachment. but instead she gets mad at Me for grieving my best girl and acts like /i/ was disrespectful to HER because i ignored her meme after she ignored me telling her my dog died abd my puppy was inconsolable aboit it
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so I took the sf-36 since it’s the 10th and I’ve got a reminder to take it every month. I’ve been on the new meds about a month.
I also took it a couple days before I went on the new meds, conveniently enough.
(these are each scored on a scale of 0-100, where 100 is Totally Able and 0 is Complete Disability. I did do an estimate of my pre-disaster scores and it’s all 95+ across the board except for emotional wellbeing which was still in the 80s What With All The Trauma.)
my scores last month were:
physical function: 5
physical role limitation: 0
emotional role limitation: 33
emotional wellbeing: 48
social function: 25
general health: 8
this was continuing a trend of a rapid downward slide (from my already pretty low resting point where not being in active pain all the time felt like progress), that had been going on for several months. whatever we were doing wasn’t working (and hadn’t been for a long time, but it was becoming painfully obvious). pain was improved from the previous month because I’d finally found a combination of meds to take as-needed that actually worked rather than just sidestepping things like the muscle relaxers. everything else was a decline except for the role limitations which had been staticly Really Bad for many months.
my scores today were:
physical function: 50
physical role limitation: 25
emotional role limitation: 67
emotional wellbeing: 60
social function: 50
general health: 33
you guysssss I think I might actually be getting better??? ;n; granted I got a long fucking way to go up, especially compared to where I was. but I have literally never seen improvement across the board like this before. the one time I came close was literally the first time I received any actual treatment for my condition at all, which declined very rapidly for several months thereafter because we were only treating symptoms (heart shit). which is why I don’t fully believe it’s working until it’s felt like it’s working for at least a month, preferably two. because I have never once had consecutive improvement to overall score (or even an improvement that holds relatively steady). it’s always up and back down again even if I get consecutive improvements in a category.
additional confounds: there’s a reasonable probability I was literally brute-forcing my way into being more able-bodied than I actually was when I first started using this measure, as it took my dumb ass a loooong time to actually accept that I couldn’t do things just cuz they needed doing and damn the consequences anymore, which would skew the old scores high. and there is a smaller but nonzero probability I am lowballing my improvement now, because I’ve been burned by med changes so many times and am only about 75% of the way to fully embracing this as stable improvement. (edited to add: I am comparing this to my own baseline, where I was. running 2 miles, doing 4 minutes of high intensity exercise immediately afterwards, and then walking to a high credit load’s worth of classes with plenty of time to fuck around in my average day. so. that factors in as well.)
but. I was able to move storage boxes today, and sweep my porch, two physically demanding activities, and take a bath, also inexplicably physically demanding. I was still feeling well enough afterwards to seek out additional energy expenditure. and I Don’t Hurt. I don’t even feel hella drowsy like I sometimes do in the afternoons. I did all of that and I feel fine.
there’s a lot of stuff that will probably stay forever, like my hip is still fucked up but at least it’s not all my joints all the time. I get tired walking on the street and will probably keep using my wheelchair for Actual Outings. but. I can absolutely 100% live with that.
I hope you don't mind me sharing how I got into onf... Cuz tbh, your hyojin "spam" got me going 😳 Ok so I was watching whatever music show for a.c.e's goblin comeback back in September (it was the first and only time I've sat through one of those shows) when onf performed sukhumvit swimming. what a bop, I was enraptured! But when I listened to a couple other of their songs I didn't have the same feeling. Well SS was my JAM for a while but I didn't get into them. then with city of onf... It was like a lightbulb going on for me?💡💡💡 like they have such a good producer??? I really vibe with the kinda music on there. But also their voices!! and the choreos!! Their music just brings me so much joy. Still lots to learn about them tho 💕💕💕 (I haven't quite got their names down yet) and sorry for this long ramble!
omg hello!!☺️ i love that you wanted to share this with me!! i feel like so many people discovered onf with their sukhumvit swimming cb because it was coming right off of their success on road to kingdom, so i think a lot of people probably share your thoughts there! and i totally agree with you on their city of onf/my name release!! they really got a chance to showcase their talent as vocalists/dancers/all around performers! if you ever want to talk onf i’m definitely always down😌 i hope you have fun getting to know them, they are a pretty great group☺️💖
( always accepting )
@lcssonslearned said: "Hey. Wanna see a trick?" Mochizuki lands headfirst into a ditch because she can't see without her glasses and this is the S arena.
Akira wasn’t really looking at anything in particular in the S race, content on just sticking to the side-lines as this wasn’t his race or beef to participate in. So, he just wandered around, bored with nothing to do until someone infamous here was going to do something. It’s not until he hears another skater that isn’t even in the top 8 call out to him. Maybe it’s because despite being rank 9th, he still gets attention. Probably because here, Akira is still being called Joker, despite wanting to be called Raven. Sighing, he looks over toward the commotion and sees a girl wiped out into a random ditch. Seems like he missed the so-called trick that was suppose to cure him of his boredom. Not like that was the girl’s reason in doing any of this.
----“If you are going to be this careless, I suggest you go home before you get serious hurt. This place might seem like a Paradise, but to most with open eyes can tell that it’s Hell. And that Matador is leading it. Whoever you are, I think you should just quit while you are ahead. Live to see another day. And maybe find some good type of glasses to help you support your skating hobby”.
While I eat my pot pie I'm gonna discuss what the hell my brain has been doing for the past 48 hours
Also I can't remember how to put a break exactly so
If this doesn't work scroll fast! I'll put an image of a little calico critter cat meme at the end so you'll know you're there.
[MORE] :readmore: [[MORE]]
I STARTED T A WEEK AGO AND I FEEL FUCKING FERAL it's so uncomfortable and I'm tense and want to commit all the crimes
I'm so freaking h**** I could die and I've been trying to subliminally proposition everyone I can and THAT DOESN'T WORK how the fuck do you be direct??
I've been being a complete destructive hedonist and bingeing cigarillos and psychoactive substances because I feel like I'm gonna explode constantly
I have to run and lift things and go crazy and
Okay no this is my bipolar 2 being exacerbated by the t, I think, and I need to discuss this with my care team. Aka my therapist and my super nice plume doctor.
I can't sleep but I'm exhausted and I want to **** somebody!! I don't care who!! I need it and I'm so close to losing all my sense and reaching out to a recent ex. But I haven't thus far because that would be really cruel. I've literally had sex dreams every night for a week straight and I am MISERABLE
This is how deranged I am
Brain focus 1: nice guy that works in order fulfillment. Has a nice voice/accent, came behind me to say something and I nearly fell out of my skin having someone speaking that close to me. Has spoken to me two days in a row even though we're in separate departments? I try to make eye contact with him a lot. He comes to help me sometimes with what I'm doing if he can. He has "I have a gf" energy though. I'm trying to convince myself that I am not a homewrecker and would definitely care if he had one. I have morals they're just being overridden by this hormonal plague.
Focus 2: floppy hat lot guy that I bitched at for not coming to do a carryout fast enough like two months ago. Very friendly, my age, said I had a good head on my shoulders. It took every fiber of my being not to say something about good head in response. He's cute/nice? Failed to train new lot guy, though, might have a poor work ethic. Good thing that I could not possibly care less!
Focus 3: I CAN'T TELL IF OLDER MEN ARE SIMPLY BEING FRIENDLY. The fellow in automotive who always says hi to me and is an absolute DILF I've never used that term before whatsoever. But I keep using it now because he is!!! He's got a nice accent and strikes up conversation with me when he comes across me. I am DERANGED he has married man energy and I do not want to wreck the home I want to get wrecked!!! AUGH.
Cold showers do nothing and I am so tired and cagey that I could scream
I haven't been doing self care? Idk how to do self care when I feel like this and doing solo stuff 🤢 doesn't help at all. Maybe meditation. But yoga made it worse and I'm barely able to eat. Tomorrow I get my vaccine and I need to just rest. Rest is what I need. I've been going nonstop and I feel like an animal.
Actually, I feel better now that I've talked about this.
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I'm gonna get kinda sappy so bear with me
Growing up, I was always a chunky kid. I was perfectly active, I was just naturally bigger. And I was ashamed. I had heard how my dad talked about his weight (he's a big guy) and I internalized that being fat was a bad thing. As I grew up and realized I was trans, I felt even more uncomfortable in my body. I hated my curves and would fantasize about gaining a bunch of weight so I wouldn't look like a girl anymore. But fat was bad. I was bad for wanting to get fat.
I don't remember how I learned about feedism. I must have been 15 or 16 at the time when I realized that there were other people like me. People that wanted to get fat, and saw the beauty in round bodies. I wasn't alone. There were other people who, like me, craved the sensation of a stuffed belly. One night, when I was 17, I couldn't fight the urge anymore. I chugged a can of sprite and ate a banana, marvelling at how my stomach bulged out just a tiny bit. I would sneak into the kitchen in the middle of the night and drink a shot of vinegar and a bit of baking soda (would not recommend), just because I craved that bloated feeling so much. It was hell getting it down, but the results were amazing. I would rub my overextended stomach and wonder what it would be like if I was that big all the time. I wanted more, but I knew I couldn't truly give in until I wasn't living with my parents anymore.
When I started college in the fall of last year, I had a roommate. We shared a lot of meals, so I felt awkward eating a lot in front of her. So my gaining plans got put on the backburner. Then, I started testosterone and I got hungry. I probably gained 10 accidental pounds in the first few months. I remember putting on a new shirt and feeling how tight it was around my stomach. When I lifted up my arms, a sliver of belly showed underneath. I was mortified, but very, very wet at the sight of it clinging to me.
Last month, I finally decided to take the plunge. I would eat as much as I wanted and more, to live out my dream of becoming huge. My roommate spent most of her time with friends, so I knew she wouldn't be around to judge me.
Now here I am, 2 burst buttons and at least 8 pounds later. I'm fatter than I've ever been and I couldn't be happier. I love my squishy love handles, my round belly, the stretch marks that are starting to form. I feel more at home in my body than I ever thought was possible. I can't believe I spent so long feeling bad about myself for wanting to be fat. I can't believe I have an audience of people cheering me on. I'm fat and I love it, and I can't wait to see where the next month takes me.
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On the Path to Deityhood
Background: our current task is to learn how to create life, by learning to manipulate one piece at a time (with passion being our first piece).
We were in the Plane of Fire, in the Lake of Fire, looking for the Pools of Passion, when our NPC friend (and my character's love interest), Dave the Life Cleric, starts acting weird.
Ash (my character) casts Detect Magic and finds that he is being affected by a "thread" of pure arcane energy.
Ash: *pats his arm gently* Are you alright?
Dave: *looks at her and smiles broadly* Oh, yeah, I'm doing great!
He scoops her up and just starts kissing her. She's flustered, blushing heavily, and isn't strong enough to get out of his grasp. She tries to speak when she has the chance.
Ash: Dave- Da- Dave. Now is- not the time.
Meanwhile, the Guardian of the Pools of Passion (a beyond-ancient red dragon) approaches us and severs Dave's connection to the magic that is influencing him.
Dave freezes, going tomato-red, and slowly puts Ash down.
Dave: A thousand apologies, madam.
Ash: That wasn't entirely unwelcome, but it was badly timed.
After Nilrem, our wizard, convinces the Guardian to let us pass, Dave, still blushing, apologizes to the whole group, and Mercy the Death Cleric pats him on the arm.
Mercy: It's okay. We all know Ash is pretty.
Ash, behind them, blushes hard again.
Me, OOC: ... because that's her last crush talking to her latest crush.
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pov : you're gay, horny, & blasphemous｜i'm not an angel, halestorm｜whore, in this moment｜holy, zolita｜him, sam smith｜take me to church, hozier｜holy, pvris｜playing god, paramore｜heaven ft. betty who, troye sivan｜rev 22:20, puscifer
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@shrikeicy’s Dsmp National Parks AU but buzzfeed unsolved on Goatman’s bridge because the discord was having fun
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To every monotone I love you,
I get things are easier to understand when it comes to my own emotions from my own perspective. But sometimes ___ do something so obviously wrong, something all my friends who collectively agree ___ hurt me is unfair that I know the emotions I feel are obvious. ___ hit my brother behind the head. ___ pulled his hair and screamed at him for not doing his homework. ___ make my oldest brother, the one who was the most adult when ___ and my dad were arguing, feel bad about being depressed. Dispite having to hug his siblings as they cried because of the messes ___ wanted to continue. The last words ___ wanted to put in. ___ spanked me, yelled at me, insulted me, held heavy items on me and leaned against them and after it all I still viewed ___ as the victim. Because that's what ___ manipulated and gaslit me into believing.
It was my dad's fault every time. It was my brother's fault, my fault, anyone else's. ___ were too blind too see how many nights I spent sobbing because I just wanted a normal family like my friends in elementary school. In middle school. Every time there was a fraction of a possibility that ___ could get in trouble for the things you caused ___ scared us with the fear of being taken away because deep down ___ knew the way ___ treated us was not how every parent handles that situation.
Every word against ___, ___ take as a personal attack on everything ___ stand for. Every disagreement on things, every minor hiccup in the plans, every annoyance, every mistake, every bad day. Anytime we even fathomed that we were the victims ___ take out every. Single. Action. To turn us against our dad. Against eachother. Against ourselves. Anything to direct us away from what ___ did.
And no matter how upset we were we had to forgive ___. No matter how much ___ hurt us physically and/or emotionally. Because ___ were our ______. We still had to go upstairs during a fight to say "I love ___". We ultimately had to apologize no matter how much ___ were in the wrong. ____ actions were forgiven no matter who ___ hurt wether we loved them or not.
But our mistakes never were forgiven. ___ gave ____self every right to bring up every mistake. Every vauge wrong we did. ___ never forgave us until we gave no explanation and no excuse. Until we admitted to being wrong. And every time we upset ___ it was obscured. Never a clear answer if we genuinely didn't know what we did wrong.
6th or 7th ___ and dad got in one of the particularly big arguments. It just kept going no matter how much I cried. My oldest brother came into my room before anyone else. He was the first one to hug me. To tell me everything was going to be okay. A few months later he was in the hospital for self harming at school, slamming his head with a door. Dad came into my room next. He hugged me as well but ___ followed. ___ could have stopped. Comforted me as well, hugged me and told me everything was going to be okay even if ___ knew it wasn't, but ___ didn't. ___ wanted the last word. So ___ kept arguing. Kept yelling at my dad to prove whatever stupid point ___ wanted. I know he wasn't perfect and he's hurt me to but ___ could have stopped. ___ could have looked at me sobbing and felt the pain of it but instead ___ wanted to be right, to hear him say he was wrong, to be the victim instead of comforting ____ children, the real victims of all the useless arguing. Now ___ two were yelling in my room. I had to leave my own room to escape.
After forever ___ just...went to leave. And after the pain ___ caused my brother and I still wanted ___. We were terrified ___ were leaving and never coming back so started screaming and crying. We were begging ___ to stay. ___ opened the door and turned around, looking us dead in the eyes to tell us to shut up and stop crying. We stopped immediately. We froze up and didn't know what to say or do. ___ left. Dad got us dinner but we didn't eat. He said we didn't have to go to school tomorrow. My oldest brother was the only one to go...
I have tons of stories like that. The time ___ held the rat cage on top of me and leaned against it because I pulled their tails. The time ___ got upset with us for not being as excited to see ___ as we were dad immediately after my oldest brother got out of therapy. The time ___ locked my dad out of his own house, my brother having to let him back in, later saying ___ were only here to make his life a living hell, our dad messaging us apologizing for letting ___ back into our lives. ___ physically blocking me from leaving the kitchen and when my brother yelled at you for doing so, ___ turned around to play ____self out as the victim, ____ apology consisting of complaining about my brother and stuff my dad did before I was ever born to downplay what ___ did. Having a boyfriend and not talking to us the whole time ___ were with him until he abused ___ and ___ came back to us because ___ had nowhere else to go and my brothers and I not learned about this boyfriend until a few weeks after ___ moved back in with us. ___ wanted to use me as some sort of shield, dragging me into ____ mess with this boyfriend until my dad said no to getting me involved.
Mothers day after my Discord server helped me recognize all these things as abuse, ___ got upset with me for not getting ___ a gift. I was going to, but I got gotten a migraine so I wasn't able to and the next day I forgot my wallet.
The night ___ finally said something (me having to learn through my dad), ___ gave me a monotone "I love you" dispte saying ___ weren't mad...
Tomorrow I will have to say sorry and admit my wrongs to a migraine and mistake.
I can't wait for the day ___ beg me to stay and I get to leave and never come back, and I'll be taking my brothers with me.
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I just saw a comment on a clip of Tommy explaining his feelings on wilbur and lmanburg to foolish that was like: "why is tommy lying? wilbur didn't treat people poorly, he only treated fundy like a child" and proceeded to say that tommy was the weak one for being able to let it (lmanburg?) go, in response to tommy said that some people aren't strong enough to keep just talking things out in reference to wilbur
and saying that wilbur didn't want lmanburg ruined, and that he went insane because people chose schlatt and fundy disrespected and left him (which is a fucking yikes from me). they then went on to say that wilbur did what anyone would do and wanted to take all of lmanburg down, and that tommy is ignorant and a liar in the lore.
I think what's sending me off the shits is the fact they said "dream is a good guy if we're talking about wilbur or techno" which is.... incredibly incorrect
like I have no idea what this comment was trying to say at all but it's just so much bullshit I'm unable to process it, from the tommy negativity to the fundy blaming to the dream being a better person than techno or wilbur im just losing my mind
also tommy literally said that wilbur claimed that lmanburg was a ruse for power and they decided to say that "wilbur didn't make lmanburg for power" like??? yeah tommy just said that he doesn't believe that it was made for power
I might write more on this later I'm just in shock rn
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