#how many times can i watch this show before my therapist takes away my laptop

[cosmic-mayhem]

Headless Bromtilda detail you might have missed

Matilda wears a lot of rings, even before the wedding. But she never wears a wedding ring!

Neither does Brom, but then after the wedding...

They BOTH wear rings for the rest of the show. It’s a tiny set detail that would have made no difference if the creators had left it out, but it just goes to show the amazing dedication to detail and the effort they put into this series. Now brb I’m gonna go cry about the finale some more....

#headless series #headless spoilers #headless: a sleepy hollow story #bromtilda #bromatilda #shipwrecked comedy #I am once again begging yall to watch this series #please excuse my shitty crop and zoom photoshop #rewatching this show and doing the always sunny murderboard meme #how many times can i watch this show before my therapist takes away my laptop

[dcxdpdabbles]

Danny and the Fan Blog part 2

Danny is trying to get a picture from the Gotham Bridge of its sister city, Bludhaven. He has dropped his invisibly, sure that being on the edge of a dangerous out-of-the-way ledge will keep unwanted mugging away.

He had flown down to the bottom metal part of the arch right smack in the middle- still far from the water but lower than where the cars and people were.

He sinks to his knees, hoping the bridge's light can get his shadow against the waves for an epic piece. Danny aims his lens, adjusting the focus again, and then presses the button.

At the exact moment, he does, a boat out rushes from underneath the arch of the bridge, and a body flings itself off the bridge's edge above him. The person twists masterfully midair, landing on the boat's deck with a soft thump and not a wasted movement.

Danny's mouth drops open, watching the boot disappear into the horizon before scrambling to see the photo.

It's gorgeous.

The water is highlighted by the golden glow of the street lanterns, and they bounce off the sleek black boat, with the skyscrapers of Bludhaven painting the perfect drop back. But what ties the picture together is Red Robin mid-fall, half twisted and arms above his head that its hard to tell if hes a fallen angel or a rising one.

He's got a half smile on his face, black hair blowing in the wind and Danny breath catches.

It's the best picture he's ever taken.

He stares at the screen of his camera, wondering how he could have been so lucky to have captured the perfect moment. Danny won't even have to do too much editing. It's ready to be posted right now.

He was so excited to share it that Danny abandoned his place, turning invisible and flying back to his apartment. He arrives to find Jazz working on her homework on the kitchen table, but her hand rests on a ghost gun until he drops his powers and becomes invisible.

Her face lights up at once, and her hand lifts from her weapon. "Danny! How was the photos tonight?"

"Only got one." He admits, sprinting forward to show her, "But look at which one!"

He brings up the image from the memory card, displaying it proudly. Jazz mouth slacks. "Woah, Danny, that's amazing! He looks so good in it! How on earth did you manage to get this?"

"Luck, really." He grins, reaching for a plate with apple slices and peanut butter that Jazz likely set out for him. It is his favorite snake.. "I was at the right place at the right time."

"And where exactly was this place?" He winces at the tone, he knows she doesn't like him taking too many risks, but it's not like he's in any real danger. Even the Meta collars that canceled people's powers would never work on him. Danny is a ghost, and no one has the technology for that unless someone finally starts taking his parents seriously.

Vlad has been fine since Jazz convinced him to see a therapist. He is currently in the ghost zone at some mental hospital retreat that has been doing wonders for him. They visit whenever chance they get.

"I may have been under the Gotham Bridge."

"Trigate Bridge or Brown Bridge?"

"There is more then one bridge?"

"Danny," Jazz sighs. "There are four bridges."

Danny shrugs, taking a bit from his snack, and starts his laptop. He's sending the photo onto his blog from his camera, watching the photo download with anticipation. "I don't know Jazz. I ignore stuff like that."

"Well, maybe you should. You have yet to learn how important it is to pay attention to the things around you in this city. Danger is around every corner. Just this afternoon, someone tried to steal my phone!"

Danny's head jerks up. "They what?"

"I know! I was just minding my business reading a fascinating article on child development in the tablet era when some thug walked right up to me with a gun. I would have handled it trust me, his stance was pathetic at best, but Red Hood came to my rescue." Here Jazz's face reddness and Danny has a moment to wonder if he could take Red Hood in a fight. Maybe. He's sure he would win but it would be a close call.

He would do it, too, anything to keep no good punks away from his sister.

Jazz sees the face his making and rolls her eyes. "What? I'm allowed to drool over boys every once in a while. Just like you do."

"I do not droll!" Danny shouts offended.

Jazz gestures to the laptop screen, uploading the photo onto his blog. "Sure. And you just happen to stare at Red Robin's photos for the artistic application."

"I-I do! I took them!" Danny shutters, watching his sister's face break into a teasing smile. He feels his own lips pull upwards against his will and suddenly, they are laughing. It's strange, how at ease they both feel here.

They were never this carefree back at their parent's home. The realization makes Danny feel slightly guilty for noticing- because it wasn't like his parents didn't love him- but there was always tension at home. Even before the accident, he knows now that it wasn't healthy.

Jazz must have felt the change too, because before while she was racing towards adulthood- always strung so tight and nervous- she missed out on being a typical teen. Danny never had a chance to sit down with her and gush about boys, nor had she ever prioritized making friends.

Sure, Jazz was pretty, brilliant, and basically the pride of Casper High, but Danny never noticed she had no friends. She never hung out with people at the mall, she never got invited to go out, and she never texted funny memes to others back home.

In Amity, people knew of and respected her, but no one was close to Jazz. Maybe that's why she got so excited to be part of Team Phantom when she first found out.

Jazz Fenton may have been the intelligent sibling, but Danny Fenton was the social one, leaving her feeling crippling lonely while he had his two best friends.

He knows that now.

"Speaking about drolling over boys- how's Jason?" Danny teases just as Jazz's phone buzzes with a new message. The notification displays Jason's shy smile before Jazz yanks it protectively close to her face.

Jason Peter is someone Danny can approve of instead of that thug Red Hood. Jason and Jazz met at one of their classes at the beginning of the semester when Jazz was still unused to the city. She always went to class ten minutes before it started and read to pass the time instead of speaking to her college mates.

She had been reading Pride and Prejudice- one of the fancy covers kind Vlad had gotten her- and Jason had practically teleported to her table gushing about the artwork. Then, when he sat down, the two broke into a healthy debate about the characters.

Jazz admitted to him later that she was surprised by a man in a leather jacket with a white streak in his hair and multiple piercings in his ear having such in-depth character analysis of her beloved novel.

They've been hanging out ever since.

"He is fine, thank you." She huffs, typing a response to the text. Danny places his chin on his hand, smiling as her eyes soften. "He asked me to see a play this Friday. Or, well, he said he was going to one and wanted to know if I wanted to come along."

Danny perks up. "Like a date?"

"I don't know. Maybe?" Jazz nervously plays with her hair. "He made it sound like we were just hanging out. Do you think he meant it like a date?"

"It could be either way if he didn't clarify," Danny admits, then smiles to settle her sudden anxiety. She always doubted herself about spending time with people outside the family or Team Phantom. Doubts that were the result of her upbringing. "But why don't we go shopping tomorrow? Get you a nice dress, and I'll do your make-up. Once we're done, he'll wish it was a date!"

Jazz's smile may be wobbly, but it was there, and it was real. They chat more about the play and what she should wear. Danny forgoes any black, claiming it's too fancy for a first date, and trades ideas for her outfit.

Neither notices that the photo has finished uploading or that people are already commenting and losing their minds.

Nor did they notice a particular hacker with the handle- Oracle- attempting to break into his computer only to be booted out by Technus' system. It flings Oracle to the closest computer system that is close to his.

Somewhere deep underground under a particular mansion. Oracle panics, thinking that Phantom piggyback rides her signal to the cave and quickly shuts everything down. She bites her lip before picking up her personal phone and calling Bruce.

"We have a problem."

Else where Tim is helping Dick with an out-of-control gang. He isn't aware that a photo of him has just circulated through Gotham nor of the sudden new simps awaiting him.

(Lady Gotham laughs)

#dcxdpdabbles #dc x dp crossover #Danny and The Fan Blog #Part 2 #Dead tired #anger management #Danny is unware of anything always #Also he scared Babs into thinking he knows about the cave #He's just vibing with sister #Jason is unaware the pretty red head is part of the Blog

[boldlyvoid]

Million Dollar Man | chapter two

18+

summary: Spencer's therapist recommended he branch out and meet new people who don't want to talk about his work... she didn't expect him to sign up for a Sugar Daddy website.

Content warnings: sugar daddy!spencer, age gaps (14 years), daddy kink, blow jobs, kissing, drinking mention, lowkey perv!Spencer, cum play, praise, oral (female receiving), grinding, love confessions, arrangements, Spencers anxiety, (more to add)

word count: 3.4K

a/n: updates on Wednesdays and saturdays at 2 pm est

Chapter Two | Masterlist

She sat on the subway with an anxious pit in her stomach and her purse held close to her chest. Her laptop in her bag, she didn’t want to lose it on her way to the most important meeting of her whole life.

Her story was becoming a book, she was almost done the final draft, they were making touch-ups to the cover and picking the type of paper today.

Her dreams were coming true within the next month, soon she’d have a physical copy of her book, her pre-sales were showing that she’d be on the bestseller list, and her name was finally going to be on the cover of this one.

She sighed and reached for her necklace, holding it between her fingers as she took a few deep breaths. She was doing so much better today than she was last year and it was all because of Spencer, he was the best thing to happen to her. To think she complimented his sweater vest and now he’s the only person in her life she can count on.

All she can think about is him for the rest of her journey, through 4 more stops she keeps her eyes closed as she thinks of all his little facts and his cute laugh. She smiles to herself and the anxiety slips away, she loves him and she knows that for sure, but she just doesn’t know how she loves him.

She’s never had a sibling, her best friends are all women, her previous boyfriends were all shit and her other sugar daddies were never this wonderful, and her parents are lesbians… she doesn’t know what her feelings really are for Spencer, mainly because she’s never known any other men to compare him to.

But she does know the exact moment she realized she fell for him.

He booked a hotel room in DC after a local case, asking her to meet him in there at 10 pm. She was waiting in the bathtub when he arrived, bubbles galore, her hair up and arms open, “welcome home, honey.”

He laughs, “you want me to get in there with you?”

She just nods, “let me take care of you, daddy?”

He takes off his blazer, pulls his tie off and starts to unbutton his shirt. She watches patiently as he gets undressed, and it’s not sexual to her. He’s her person, her best friend, the only human being she would ever share a moment like this with and that’s when it hits her.

She doesn’t accept it just yet.

It’s not until he’s lying on her chest, between her legs, cheek resting on her boobs as she runs a sponge over his back while he gives her a little run down on his terrible week. His co-worker almost died, his mom is stressing him out, the only good thing he has left is her and she knows that.

“And then I get to my moms facility and she’s had a really good day, she knows me and she knows all of my childhood again and she’s all right there in front of me and yet she’s so far away. I’m never going to get all the time I want with her and it’s really hard to accept.”

He shares things with her that he doesn’t even tell his therapist. Because his therapist doesn’t hold him like a child against her chest and tell him he’s okay when he get’s upset.

Y/N loves him, so she kisses his forehead, “I’m so sorry, I have 2 moms if you’d like to have one?”

“It’s okay, I would love to meet them sometime though,” he wraps his arms around her waist a little tighter under the water. “Thank you for tonight.”

“Did I mention my leg is 44 inches from hip to toe?” She asks in the middle of the silence, quoting pretty woman, knowing he hasn’t seen that far into the movie yet. “So basically we’re talking about 88 inches of therapy for the bargain price of $800 dollars a week.”

Her legs wrap around him and their naked bodies are closer than they’ve ever been and yet it’s completely platonic, “I’d spend a million dollars on you if it always meant feeling this good after.”

She runs her cheek along his wet hair as he snuggles into her neck, “mmm, I like the sound of that,” she teased. “My million dollar man.”

Her stop rolls around and she pulls herself out of her day dreams to get off the train and head to her meeting. She smiles as she walks through the station, up the stairs and onto the busy downtown streets when she gets a text with Spencers special chime. She opens it when she gets to where she’s going, safely inside and in the waiting room.

It makes her laugh in the waiting room. People look at her but she doesn’t care, he’s so special to her she feels butterflies in her stomach even when he’s not around.

“Y/N!” She hears her name being called by her editor, he’s over ecstatic as he comes running out to get her. “Come, come we have so many choices to make!” He jumps up and down as he holds her arm, like a child in a candy store.

“Andy, chill man,” she laughs at him and plays it cool, “It’s just the cover being finalized.”

“It’s our baby!” He teases back, pushing his glasses up and tugging her behind the glass doors of the office.

She’s surrounded by people and paper and huge versions of her book cover. She has a sharpie as she fixed mistakes and jots down final ideas. “And I wan’t Phil to look more human and less like data from Star Trek?”

“But Dorothy looks okay?” The artist asks, nervously and Y/N can tell.

“She looks beautiful! You really brought her justice,” she smiles, “really she looks the same in my head! It’s just Phil and I’m sure it’s tough getting a drawing to look like a robotic human, let alone human.”

“I have some ideas?” She opens up more, taking her iPad out and sliding it across the table, “I wanted to give him more of a Sophia feel? His face is silicone but his joints and everything are more like an Elon Musk crash dummy.”

“That’s perfect!” She’s shocked, “why didn’t that go in the first draft?”

“I was worried it was too much,” she’s a little older than Y/N, and yet her anxiety is that of a teenage girl. “I’m going to get working on the final, do you want some emailed versions tonight?”

“Yes please,” she smiles.

“So we’re done?” Andy asks, “we’ve made all our final calls?”

“I believe we have,” Y/N closes her laptop and takes her phone out, taking a photo of the final rough sketch of her book cover on the table to send to Spencer before he comes to pick her up. She can’t wait to see him now.

—

They’re sitting side by side in matching spa robes, he’s getting a pedicure while she gets her nails done. Leaning back in her chair with a face mask and cucumbers on her eyes, she’s never felt more relaxed in her life. And just in time too, her back was killing her from writing, her knuckles hurt and she just needed a break.

Spencer did too, he was genuinely not having a good time at work anymore, every case made him spiral and he always looked to Y/N on days like that. They met more than once a week now, she got $800 every Friday and she didn’t even really need it anymore. He was coving for so much of her bills and lively hood that her savings account was growing and growing because of him.

For the first time in her life she thought she would be okay if a man left her. As terrible as it was, as much as her moms tried to raise her differently, she fell down the daddy issues rabbit hole and she’s never going to find her way out— however, luckily for her, Spencer is down here too, and he brought a flashlight.

He understands her, more than anyone else on earth. He knows all her secrets, every crush and bad grade and snide remark she’s ever kept to herself. He didn’t judge her, he could actually listen to her issues and tell her why she had them. He gave better advice than a therapist and he was able to get information for her if he didn’t know the answer to what she was going through.

He’s absolutely everything to her and yet he’s 14 years older than her, he’s still traumatized beyond belief, he’s sad and ashamed and recovering… but he’s the best man in the whole world and she wishes he could see that. If he just looked at himself from her eyes, if he felt how she did in her soul when they were together, he’d love himself.

They’re too relaxed to drive home, and Spencer knew that would happen beforehand, bringing her a change of clothes (lingerie) and that robe me mentioned. He books a hotel above the spa and takes her to it. Arms linked as they enter the suite, she’s amazed to find more than one gift bag on the bed.

“How many gifts is this now?”

“We’re at 5 out of 24.”

She laughs as she wraps her arms around him in a thank you hug, “this is what you consider 4 gifts? Spencer there are like 8 things on the bed, let alone the massage and manicure?”

“If you think this is too much I guess you’re going to get really mad next week,” he teases as she looks up at him with a surprised look on her face.

“Spencer, I am so busy next week, I cannot be galavanting around with my sugar daddy,” she tries to act like she doesn’t want to go on an adventure with him again.

The last trip they took was the best week of her life. They went to all the historical sites in the UK that she and Spencer had talked about. Mainly old churches and castles, strange poets graves, random art and most importantly; stone henge. It was a trip of a lifetime and he took it with her.

“I watched the rest of Pretty Woman the other day,” he smiles, “and I thought I’d pull an Edward Lewis and really surprise you because you deserve it.”

“You know how the movie ends, right?” Her heart beats really fast in her chest and she wants him to love her so bad but it’s also terrifying now that she’s this close.

“He lets her choose,” he whispers.

“He rescues her,” she corrects him.

“And she rescues him right back,” he really did watch the end of the movie.

It makes her heart skip a beat as she swallows sharply, “what does this mean for us?”

“I have a whole plan, a whole sequence of events I want to stick to. I wanted to make you fall in love with me this week and ask you on your birthday, can we still do that?” He pleads with her, he’s so serious. He’s clearly put a lot of effort into this.

“Absolutely,” she smiles, “but if you’re going to make me wait that long for you to ask, you still can’t kiss me till then. No matter how much I already love you.”

“Really?” He’s so soft with her, she knows he’s not reacting to the teasing. He’s never had someone tell him they love him and then stay after.

“I would never lie to you about that, spence. I know what love means to you, I know how scared you are and I’m scared too. But I know there is no one else in the whole world I’d rather be scared with than you,” she holds him tighter and rubs her nose against his, “so what’s in the bags, daddy? Finish your surprise.”

She plays along perfectly, stepping back and hauling him towards the bed. “I got you some outfits and things for the next 2 weeks, we have a few things planned. We’re going on a flight soon, I have new luggage being delivered to your apartment this week and we’re going to see your moms for 3 days.”

“No,” she shakes her head, “there’s no way, Spencer, I haven’t seen them in 5 years, I’m going to cry.”

“I know,” he cups her jaw with his hand. “They’re really excited to see you.”

She hugs him tight, kissing his neck as she holds him. “Thank you, daddy, do you want me to put something on for you now?”

“I’m just going to take it off you, plus, what your wearing is sexy enough, he whispers back. “You’re always so beautiful, baby.”

“I thought you were saving the best for last?” She asks as she pulls back, overly eager and he can tell.

“I want to repay the favour from the other night.”

She doesn’t mean to gasp and yet she does, “please?”

He pulls on the tie of her robe, opening it enough to snake a hand behind her back and draw her in with a hand on her bare back. “Please what?”

“Please, daddy?” She looks up with her best begging eyes, perfect pout and all. “I want you to touch me, I promise I’ll be a good girl.”

He steps away from her to swipe all the bags off the bed before picking her up and laying her back against the pillows. He kisses down her body, hand on her lover back as she arches, he drags his bottom lip from her belly button to her cleavage. Nipping and sucking at the exposed skin on her chest, pulling her breasts out of the bra to suck on her nipples, she moans and it’s louder than she expected.

As she plays with his hair, he marks her, bruising small little love bites all the way down as he makes his way between her legs, “take me, please?”

He’s been dreaming of this for so long, he can’t even give you an accurate number of times his mind has drifted to the thought of how wonderful she would taste, how beautiful she’d sound…

“Tell me how badly you want me?” He asks as he spreads her legs and kisses her left thigh.

“I haven’t had sex in 10 months while waiting for you. Daddy, please you’ve owned me for so long, just take what’s yours already for gods sa- OH!”

With a broad lick, his tongue flattens against her core and it shuts her up. She gets what she wants, holding into his hair as she tosses her head back, taking it all in and enjoying it. He’s been on her mind for months, every time her vibrator was where he is now, she thought of him. he’s been the man of her dreams longer than she’s known him, and he was proving it.

“Right there, daddy,” she speaks through shallow breaths, “do you know how much I’ve thought of this?”

“You know I don’t,” the vibrations of his voice against her skin are glorious, he looks up at her through his lashes as his tongue flicks over her clit and she shakes a bit.

“Fuck,” she gasps, gripping his hair tighter, “better than I thought you’d be, fuck, too bad you— Jesus, don’t have the stash anymore…”

He stops and looks up at her, the smirk on his face glistening with her juices, “the stash?”

She nods, “I’ve thought about calling it the pussy tickler,” she teases, running her hand down his cheek and swiping her thumb across his bottom lip before bringing it up to her mouth to taste, “I want more of you.”

He kisses back up her body and she reaches for his robe the second he’s close enough. “Just grind against me? I know you’re waiting but we can still feel good together?”

He kisses the side of her mouth and she takes that as a yes, wrapping her legs around him so his hard cock is pressed right against her core as they move their hips in synchronicity with each other. His breathing is heavy as he kisses her cheek and jaw, her nails scratch down his back, he feels absolutely amazing against her.

She feels so empty, she wants him so bad she’s clenching around nothing as she squirms against his cock and wishes she was full.

“I wish I could move time,” she whispers. “Fuck, why can’t it be my birthday?”

He laughs against her, grazing his teeth over her neck and drawing another moan from her but then he stops moving his hips, “why are you so impatient?”

“Remember I said I stopped enjoying everything? Well, taking a 10 month break from sex and thinking about you every time I got off has made me desperate,” her hand cups his cheek, “I’d wait forever for you, but a girl needs to be fucked hard every once in a while.”

Only she could find a way to make something both profoundly beautiful and whorish at the same time, he loved her for it and she knew that now. He smiles and leaned in to rub his nose against hers and it takes everything in her not to kiss him. The same way it was taking everything in him not to slip into her as he began to grind against her once more.

She’s so close, the accidental edging has added a whole new level of desperation she’s never felt before. She wants to cum for him so bad, but more importantly she wants him to cum for her.

“Take my bra off,” she whispers, Spencer’s hands travel behind her back to unclasp it and he helps her out of it before tossing it to the floor.

“Cum for me daddy,” she whispers in his head with a hand in his hair, gripping him tightly as he bites at her neck, “cover me with your cum like you’re marking your territory.”

“Shit,” his hips sputter against hers.

“Say it, I know you want to,” she teases, so close to the edge but it’s too good of an opportunity. She loves seeing him fall apart like this and she can’t wait to see it again. “Who’s am I?”

“Daddy’s girl.”

He grinds down on her harder and faster and she’s so close, the bubble in her gut is reaching a fever pitch and with a gasp, she’s cumming and then she feels it. His load covers her stomach as he pants against her neck and grips her hips tighter as he comes down.

She wraps her arms around him and holds him as close as humanly possible, her breathing still heavy as he rises and falls on her chest. He’s heavy but she doesn’t care, she just kisses the top of his head and thanks him.

He brushes his nose against her neck, nuzzling her like a cat, “do you really mean it?”

“What, honey?” He remembers so much, this could be a question about something she said 2 months or 2 minutes ago and she has no clue.

“You’re not just playing along with my kinks right, you genuinely want to be mine?”

For being her million dollar man, his heart sure was broke. This is why he wasn’t ready, he still didn’t understand why she would want to stay without anything in return, he’s gotten so used to paying her for her time now that his anxiety has managed to convince him that she’ll leave when he stops being worth it to her.

“What does my necklace say?” She asks, knowing how close he was to it. “Read it to me, I forget.”

“Daddy’s girl,” he smiles again.

She soothes her hands over his back, “I would do anything with you because I love and trust you, but also because everything you do is sexy… you could read me the dictionary and I’d still want you to pump me full of cum after.”

“It sounds so crude after,” he laughs, “speaking of, we really need to have a shower.”

“I’ll wash your back if you wash mine?” She teases as he gets up.

“Only if you let me wash the front too?”

She smacks his bare ass and races him into the bathroom, turning on the water and getting in with him while still laughing and carrying on. He’s her best friend in the whole world, there’s no one else she would rather do this with… there was no one she has done this with. No one has made her feel this good, before during and after sex.

Spencer Reid was an anomaly, but he was hers.

Permanent tag list:

@g0lden-cth @doctorspenceryeet @samuel-de-champagne-problems @reiding-recs @shemarmooresfedora @reidsfish @manuosorioh @mochionly @jswessie187 @k-k0129 @blanchardsbk @idonotexiste @measure-in-pain @dreams-in-blxck @doc-padfoot @nomajdetective @mggswhorificlover @dinonuggets1967 @meganskane @gubeskneescrew @kya-li @reidsbookclub @muffin-cup @sassymoon @shirleyrose

Sugar daddy fic (Some tags didn't work)

@mggs-sidehoe @bakugouswh0r3 @mggskneescrews @moonlight-2-6 @spencerreidscumwhore @my-thoughts-are-weird @violetclifford @youabitchhhh @bunny-script @baby-i-am-fireproof @moondustmemories @rexorangecouny @minervaonmars @onlyhereforthefanfics @anonymous-reading @go2sleepducky @kingcrain @beepbooptoop @givemeth @emma-is-a-nerd@wrecky-becky @eternalspence @ne--yo-pets @valerieweasley @coldlilheart @andiebeaword

#spencer reid #spencer reid smut #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid x you #spencer reid self insert #spencer reid request #criminal minds smut #criminal minds imagine #sugar daddy spencer #perv!spencer #mdm

[theladyofdeath]

Tempting the Fates {Chapter 4}

Summary: It’s the final semester of Aelin Galathynius’ collegiate career and she is so beyond ready to be done. Her schedule is packed full of nursing classes and labs designed to test her knowledge and hone her skills for the real world and her “big girl” job. However, she needs one last elective to graduate, so she decides to study a subject she’s always been fascinated by: Mythology. Who would have thought that a class about gods and goddesses living complicated lives would end up complicating her own in such an unexpected way?

Word Count: 2550

Chapters will be posted every Wednesday.

Tempting the Fates Masterlist

Shelby’s Masterlist

Tara’s Masterlist

Apollo

– God of light, prophecy, inspiration, poetry, the sun, music and arts, medicine and healing

Aelin tried to convince herself that she got up and got ready two hours early for class because of her busy schedule. She kept telling herself it was for the meeting she had with her advisor, about a possible internship at the end of the semester.

She knew that both reasons, while extremely important, were full of shit. She knew she’d showered, blow dried and curled her hair for Rowan. It wasn’t that she was trying to impress him. She’d already done that and the chance she had to be with him had come and gone.

No, now it was about proving to him that even though this class may be a gen ed, she was taking it seriously.

Dropping the class had crossed her mind. She really didn’t need to take it, she could still find a different one to pick up. But she didn’t want to think about the sort of impression it would leave about her.

If there was anything to know about Aelin Galathynius, it was that she was not a quitter, nor did she run from her problems.

Or heartaches.

With one last look in the mirror, and a whistle from Lysandra, Aelin was out the door and hurrying across campus. She grabbed a coffee on the way, but avoided her usual place, knowing full well that Rowan enjoyed the same famous cafe that she did.

He wasn’t there yet when she got to the hall, but she took the same seat she had the class before.

She wondered if Rowan would be looking for her this time.

She quickly shook the thought away.

With her hot coffee on the corner of her fold up desk, she was pulling out her notebook and a pen, waiting anxiously for class to begin.

For him to walk through the door.

Apparently he liked to be right on the dot, though, because students continued to wander in, but he did not.

She was tapping her pen against her notebook, doing her best not to stare at the clock. She was just anxious for her day to start. It wasn’t that she wanted to see Rowan.

Professor Whitethorn, she amended in her head. She had to quit thinking of him as Rowan. She couldn’t think of him like that anymore, his body pressing into hers, lips on her neck, as he—

Shaking her head, Aelin sighed and suddenly realized that the rest of the class had hushed. She was so focused on reprimanding herself for her highly inappropriate thoughts that she hadn’t noticed him come through the door and begin setting up for class. When she dared to glance towards the front, she found his eyes on her. He quickly looked away, going back to his laptop and setting up the PowerPoint on screen.

Maybe he hadn’t been looking at her.

Maybe it had all been in her mind.

But she didn’t think it had been.

He had been watching her.

“Happy Thursday, class,” he began, as the title page of his presentation flashed onto the board. “Glad to see you all showed up again. Must mean my first class didn’t suck.” Quiet laughter thrummed through the room. Aelin couldn’t muster a laugh, though. “On Tuesday, we covered the basics. So, today… Sorry, we’re doing that again.”

More laughter, especially from the pretty, flirty girls up front.

Aelin couldn’t help but roll her eyes.

Which, when she settled her eyes back on Rowan, he definitely saw.

Come on, get your shit together, she chastised herself. With her back straightened, she gave him her full attention.

She took dutiful notes, but his slides didn’t hold much in the way of information. They were mostly headers, with a few bullet points. Most of the important information, information she knew would be critical for homework or exams, came straight from Rowan’s mouth.

It was clear that he loved mythology, that it wasn’t just a class his aunt had tossed his way and told him to figure it out. He was a trove of knowledge and she noticed he had a habit of going on slight tangents when he got going on a topic he was clearly interested in.

After a student asked him to clarify what he meant about Hercules not being Zeus’ only son, he ended up talking for nearly twenty minutes about what the beloved Disney movie had gotten wrong. Aelin had stopped taking notes and was watching him go on and on about how Hades, while god of the underworld, was not necessarily a villain. He just had a job to do. A job that had rules that must be followed, or the consequences could damn not only him, but others involved. His eyes found hers again and the amused smile on her face fell as she made the correlation between their own situation and the story.

They held each other’s gazes for far longer than was appropriate, and Rowan cleared his throat, going back to the PowerPoint, and the  predetermined lesson plans he’d made, which didn’t include children’s movie breakdowns.

She watched him.

She listened.

And she found it all fascinating. 

Rowan peeked at the clock after going on and on, and stilled, rubbing the back of his neck. “Well, I guess I’ll end there. There is an assignment due by tomorrow evening. You can find and submit it online. It’s an opinion piece. I want a little insight as to why you were so interested to take this class, or what you’ve found fascinating so far.” He sat on his desk, his legs hanging over the side, his feet nearly touching the ground as he leaned back on his palms. Aelin found it charming. “You’re going to write a short essay telling me of your favorite deity. It could be one I’ve talked about so far, or one I haven’t. It’s your choice. But, tell me why they are your favorite. Give me a little depth. And, remember, this is a college course. Grammar counts.”

The clock struck nine-thirty and everyone began packing up. Aelin had been so captivated by his voice that she had to snap herself back to reality.

She quickly packed up her bag, alongside the other students around her. She noticed then how young they all were, and she was willing to bet that she may be the only senior on the roster. As she was descending the stairs, she found Rowan’s eyes on her again, but he looked away as his attention was taken, thanks to the group of girls who’d been sitting in the front row. She heard vague questions of whether they could all write about Aphrodite, since they all related to her.

The scoff Aelin thought she’d kept to herself had apparently been out loud, since not only Rowan looked at her as she passed, but so did the three girls. With his attention on her again, she decided to give him a little wave.

“See you later, Professor Whitethorn.”

If there was some extra sway to her hips, it wasn’t on purpose.

At least that’s what she told herself.

Two and a half hours later, Aelin was starving. She’d just gotten out of an extremely complicated lab and she could barely focus over the growling of her stomach. Twice, the instructor had looked over at her, half expecting to find a dog stashed under the table she was working at.

So when the class let out, she was hurrying toward the cafeteria ready to get a salad from the salad bar and a big ass slice of pizza.

It was all about balance. 

As she was waiting in line to fill her plate with salad, she heard a voice behind her.

“Are you actually getting lettuce or just filling your plate with ham, cheese, and croutons?” 

Aelin looked over her shoulder to find Chaol, her ex, suppressing a smile.

Aelin chuckled. “If it’s the same price, you may as well pile up on the good stuff.” 

Chaol gave her a small smile. “Fair enough. It’s good to see you, Aelin. You look good.”

Things hadn’t ended the best between her and Chaol, but that had been just after freshman year. At least now when they ran into one another, they could have nice little conversations like this one.

No hard feelings.

“You too,” she said, and he did. He’d been in an accident the year before. They weren’t sure he was going to walk again. In all honesty, it was just good to see him on his feet.

“How long until your class?” He asked, sliding his tray along behind hers.

She glanced down at her watch. “About forty five minutes. You?”

“This is my long break,” he sighed. “I’ve got an hour and a half, but didn’t feel like leaving campus. Want to have lunch with me?”

“Sure.” Her smile wasn’t forced, it was easy and she was glad they could even do this, when three years again, they could barely be in the same room.

“I assume you’re getting a piece of pizza after this,” Chaol said with a smirk, nodding towards her plate. “So I’ll grab us a table while you get the rest of your lunch.”

She scoffed but nodded, and went off to get a slice of pizza. When she ordered her pizza, she also got a slice of cheesecake. It was his favorite, something she hadn’t forgotten, but it didn’t hurt that she liked it, too.

Finding him in the cafeteria, she sat down at the table across from him. “How’s Yrene doing?”

He blushed, and Aelin had to admit it was adorable. After his accident, he’d fallen for his physical therapist, and she was just as smitten with him. It must have been all the one-on-one sessions, because Chaol had never been one to let someone in. Aelin had met Yrene early in her med classes, but Yrene had specialized in PT and graduated in less than three years, taking as many classes as she could manage and even studying through the summers as well.

“It’s going good,” he said, at last. “We, uh, just moved in together, actually.”

Aelin lifted a brow. “That was fast.”

Chaol shot her a look.

Aelin laughed. “I didn’t mean it like that. I meant, good for you. I like Yrene. A lot. You two are good together.”

Chaol cleared his throat before taking a bite of his salad. “Thanks.” 

Aelin chuckled, taking a bite of her pizza.

Chaol blinked. “What?”

“You get so uncomfortable when it comes to feelings,” she said. “Always have.”

His eyes narrowed at her. “That’s not true.”

Aelin stopped mid-chew and raised a brow.

Even Chaol couldn’t help but chuckle at the expression. “Yeah, yeah. Whatever. What about you? Seeing anyone?”

Aelin hesitated, then said, “No.”

A slow grin appeared on Chaol’s mouth. “Didn’t sound so sure about what one.”

Aelin shrugged. “Better be nice or I’m not sharing this magnificent cheesecake with you.”

Holding up his hands in placation, Chaol went back to his salad. Rowan was a dangerous topic, one she wouldn’t share with anyone but Lysandra, so she summed it up quickly. “Met someone I thought I hit it off with. Turns out we didn’t work.”

He slowly nodded. Aelin knew he’d had a couple failed relationships between her and Yrene. “I get it, I’m sorry. Still sucks.”

Shrugging again, she turned to her salad. “It happens. Not a big deal. So if you’re living with Yrene, does that mean you and Dorian broke up? Or is he playing house with you, too?”

Chaol leveled her with a look. Chaol and Dorian had been best friends long before they came to the University of Orynth. They were both from Adarlan, both trying to get away from overbearing fathers, and decided college across the country was the way to do it. They’d been roommates every year and Aelin couldn’t even imagine Chaol living with anyone except Dorian. But now he was. “He moved into an apartment with Manon this semester when I moved in with Yrene.”

Aelin blinked. “Blackbeak? He moved in with Manon Blackbeak?”

Nodding, Chaol went on. “Apparently, they’ve been dating for about a year, without anyone noticing.”

Something in the way he said it told Aelin that he had noticed, but when Dorian had his mind set on something, there was no stopping him. And apparently, he’d decided to date one of the most terrifying women on campus.

Aelin’s response was eloquent. “Wow.”

Chaol grinned. “I like it when you’re caught off guard. It’s satisfying.”

With a scoffed she nudged his leg with the toe of her sneaker. “Well, I don’t. Dorian will be getting a very angry phone call this afternoon.”

“I’ll be sure to give him a warning,” Chaol promised.

Aelin chuckled, taking the last bite of her pizza. “It’s good to see you all happy, though. Really.”

Chaol’s eyes softened. “Thanks, Aelin.”

She nodded. “Even if I am terrified that Dorian will get eaten alive.”

Chaol laughed, and she had forgotten how nice Chaol’s rare, hearty laugh was.

She meant it. She was so happy for them, both of them. It was interesting how things changed over the course of a few short years.

Their conversation continued, as did the laughs, and before she knew it, Aelin glanced down at her watch. She had less than fifteen minutes to haul ass back to the nursing building for her next class. Chaol, who had much longer to sit with nothing to do, assured her that he could handle her trash and told her to get to class. With a hug, and a promise that they’d have dinner soon, all of them, even Manon, Aelin was hurrying out of the cafeteria building.

Somehow, the entire time she’d been having lunch with Chaol, she hadn’t noticed the set of pine green eyes watching her.

Rowan’s own break had been at the same time as hers, but the gen ed building was much closer than wherever she was having to run off to, so he had longer to sit and— there was no denying it— brood. They were halfway across the room, so he couldn’t hear any of their conversation. He had no clue who the tall man was she smiled at so often, but clearly they were very familiar with each other with how easily they talked. And he made her laugh. A lot.

Rowan wasn’t sure why that was what grated on his nerves the most, but it unsettled him.

Seeing Aelin with someone else, someone clearly her own age, it all unsettled him. He didn’t like it. Almost as much as her parting words in class had.

See you later, Professor Whitethorn.

It’s like she was mocking him, yet at the same time, she clearly wasn’t. She was doing exactly as he’d asked of her, seeing him as her professor, not as her boyfriend.

No, he reprimanded himself. Not boyfriend. Hookup.

They’d had sex one time, that didn’t give either of them any claim over the other. It was a hookup and nothing more. And she was his gods-damned student.

She was off limits, in every way possible.

Yet he couldn’t figure out why seeing her with someone else, someone she should clearly be interested in instead of him, had him seeing red.

#rowaelin #rowan #aelin #fanfic #fanfiction #tog #throne of glass #modern au #professor au #college au #sjm #snacmc collab #snelbx x tacmc collab

[dream-a-little-bigger-x]

Hero Complex | Owen Patrick Joyner

Requested by anonymous: Hi!! Can you do one where the reader is Jeremys little sister and she comes to set and hits it off with Owen and they start to hang out a lot and Jeremy gets really protective of her

A/N: I hope this is what you were looking for! 

Pairing: Owen Patrick Joyner x Little Shada!Reader, Jeremy Shada x Little Sister!Reader

Warnings: fluff, big fight, anxiety 

Words: 7,084

Reader’s POV

Jeremy and I have been the best of friends ever since the day I was born. He might be my older brother, but I’ve always considered him more like my best friend. We used to play games together when we were younger where I’d pretend to be a princess and he was the knight protecting my castle from dragons and dangerous monsters. Or, when we were in a swimming pool, I’d pretend to be a mermaid and he was my dolphin. We played so many pretend games, I’d lost track of most of them. When we got older and made a lot of new friends, we still tried to take at least one night in the week where we’d spend time together, whether it was watching movies together or jamming or just chatting about absolute nonsense or going out together. I even got to be his best (wo)man when he married Carolynn about a month ago, and we’ve been calling each other non-stop since he started this new project of his with Netflix called Julie and The Phantoms. I helped him prepare for his audition and was equally as excited as he was when he got it. This role was written for him. Though, when bootcamp and filming started, it did mean I’d have to miss him for a very long time since he was all the way in Vancouver for months on end. So, now I’ve come up with the idea to go and visit him and Carolynn in Canada. I’d called Carolynn to help me out and surprise him. She picked me up from the airport just a few minutes ago, and as we’re catching up in the car, I can’t help but feel giddy at seeing my brother again. It feels ages since I’ve last seen him at his wedding. That’s also when I saw the rest of the cast last. Jeremy had introduced me to the ones that were at the party, and I loved hanging out with them. It felt like being introduced to one big family that quickly became part of my own family. That was one fun night, but that’s all it was. One night of spending time with all these people and then never hearing or seeing them again. To be fair, they were all really busy with rehearsals and filming and everything. “Are you ready?” Carolynn asks when we’re at the door of their Vancouver apartment. “Yes!” I reply in a hushed voice, just to make sure Jeremy doesn’t hear me. Carolynn unlocks the door and walks in first, I follow suit. My eyes dart around quickly to take in as much as possible before the two of us turn a corner to the living room here Jeremy’s on the couch, watching something on the tv. “What’re you watching, bro?” His head snaps up at the sound of my voice, his eyes widening as he takes in my presence. “No way!” he exclaims as he gets up quickly and rushes over to me, taking me in his arms in a bone-crushing hug. “I can’t believe you’re here!” he mumbles in my ear as he twirls me around. “I wanted to surprise you,” I tell him as he puts me down again, taking my hands in his instead. “I don’t go back to college until like next week, so I figured, why not?” I’m overexplaining again, I know it. Jeremy doesn’t care how I’m here, he just cares that I’m here. “You wanna come to Set with me today?” he asks with this sparkle in his eyes he only gets when he’s really excited about something. “I’m sure the others would love to see you again!” I can’t help the smile tugging at my lips as I think about how much fun they all were at the wedding. There’s no denying that I’d love to see them again too. So, I nod my head eagerly, earning an excited squeal from the boy in front of me. “The driver will be here in half an hour, you need some time to freshen up after your flight?” “Yes, please!” Carolynn guides me to the bathroom where she puts out a pair of towels for me. I shoot her a thankful smile and when she’s out of the bathroom, I get into the shower. Once I’m all dressed and ready to go, the driver is already in front of the building. “Hey, Darren,” Jeremy greets as he gets in. “My little sister’s coming with me today.” He buckles himself into the seat as I do the same. “Hi, I’m Y/N, it’s nice to meet you,” I say to the driver. He gives me a kind smile through the rearview mirror, letting out a small ‘hi’. He must not be very talkative. “What scenes are you filming today?” I ask my brother instead whilst the driver heads down to the next stop. “I think there’s a gig scene we’re filming today,” he answers, and the car comes to a standstill. “We’ve got about ten more minutes before Charlie and Owen head down. You want some coffee?” My eyes bulge out of their sockets at the thought of caffeine alone. I’ve been up for so long, I could use a good shot of wakeup-juice. “Guess that’s a yes. Let’s go!” he lets out a chuckle before getting out of the car with me in tow. “Do I need to remember anything I can or can’t do on set?” I ask the only thought that’s been haunting my mind since coming up with this idea. I knew he was going to have to work, and I also knew he would want to bring me to set. As a newbie to this entire world of filming a show, I worried I would be in the way or say the wrong things or break something. I knew I needed some pointers from my best friend to calm me down. “Just try not to trip over anything, Clumsy,” he simply answers before turning to the barista. This coffee shop seems really quiet at this time of the day, there are no customers at the counter. Just a few at the tables, most of them with their laptops open. “A large coffee with two extra espresso shots, and a medium black coffee to go, please,” he tells the man behind the counter. “Can I get your names, please?” he asks with the pen in hand. “You can write Shada on both of them,” Jeremy answers. The man nods his head curtly before scribbling down the name on both cups.  He pays the barista and then moves to the end of the counter, pulling me along.  “Filming with Kenny Ortega is really chill, Lil’ One, no need to worry,” he reassures me, taking me into a side-way hug, planting a kiss to my hair. “I’m just really nervous to be on a set, does that sound ridiculous?” I ask, twisting the bracelet around my wrist. It’s the one I got from Jeremy and Carolynn for Christmas last year. “No, I think that’s pretty normal. I ought to bring you to set more often, get you used to it all.” “Yeah,” I agree in a hushed voice, going over every possible situation that could go wrong. My train of thought is interrupted by the barista calling out our last name, sliding the two cups over at us. I grab the large cup whilst Jeremy takes his, and exit the joint to head back to the car. “Oh, seems like we’re right on time,” he points out, waving at two boys near the car. The brunette I know as Charlie, waves back before hopping into the front seat next to Darren. The blonde guy, better known as Owen, doesn’t get in yet, and instead waits for us to reach the car. He holds the door open for me, letting me get in first before hopping in himself. Jeremy jogs to the other side, getting in there. Now I’m squeezed between the two boys, clutching my coffee as if my life depends on it. “It’s good to see you again, lil’ Shada,” Charlie says, turning to face us. I giggle at the nickname. They’d called me that at the wedding. The entire night. “Surprising your big brother?” I nod my head in response. “Yeah, I didn’t have anything better to do, so… Came to annoy my brother and his buddies at work.” This makes all three boys laugh, which, not going to lie, makes me feel ten times more at ease. I thought seeing the boys again would be awkward. It’s anything but that. They make me feel so relaxed, and as though I’m a part of their group. Once we’re at the set, Jeremy introduces me to most of the crew and the rest of the cast, but especially Kenny Ortega. “Oh, look at that! Lil’ Shada’s here!” he says, opening his arms for a hug, which I gladly give him. I did meet him at the wedding, but it was so brief, I didn't think he’d remember me. “Hi, Kenny!” I greet excitedly and then let go of him. “You don’t mind if I hang around the set the next couple of days, right?” He inspects me from head to toe, eyebrows raised, and I can’t help the anxiety that’s welling up inside of me. I knew I shouldn’t have come over, I knew this was a bad idea. Kenny doesn’t want me here. I’m just going to be in the way of his mastermind working its magic on this show. I’m going to be a distraction for the actors, especially Jeremy. “Of course I don’t mind, Lil’ Shada! Jeremy's family is my family!” The pressures and intrusive thoughts wash away immediately. Those are the words I needed to hear. I sometimes think I need too much affirmation and confirmation, that other people get annoyed. My therapist told me that’s just my anxious brain speaking. He said if I want confirmation, I need to ask for it. Jeremy has been a great sport in my mental health journey from the very beginning. He took me to my sessions, did the exercises my therapist gave me with me. He’s always making sure I’m okay and gives me the confirmation I need whenever he feels I need it. Which is always at the right moment. “See, Lil’ One? Told you it would be okay!” I shoot both the men a thankful and relieved smile. Kenny places a hand on my shoulder as he passes me, leaving Jeremy and me all by ourselves. “You wanna go to makeup and wardrobe with me?” he asks, to which I nod. He then grabs my hand and leads me to the destined trailer. The second I step inside, I hear an ear-piercing screech coming from one of the chairs, and before I know it, I’m engulfed in a group hug by two pairs of arms. The sweet floral scent entering my nose tells me who it is without having to look at them. Savannah Lee May and Victoria Caro. “Hi, girlies,” I giggle, hugging them back equally as tight. The two let go of me, keeping me at arms length to inspect my entire being. Their make-up is only half done, Savannah’s hair is curled to perfection whilst Tori’s is put up in curlers. “I can’t believe you’re here, Lil’ Shada!” Savannah says, tucking a strand of my hair behind my ear. “We were just talking about you last night,” she points at Tori, who nods vigorously. “Yeah! We were wondering when we’d see you again because we missed you after your brother’s wedding!” the smaller girl explains. My heart melts at the idea of these two girls caring so much about me, they’re wondering when they’d see me again. “Aw, you guys! I missed you too!” I pout, trying my hardest not to start crying from happiness. “Hey! What about us?!” Owen’s voice sounds from the back of the trailer. I turn around to find him in the last chair, getting his hair done. “I missed you too, Owen, but I already saw you earlier!” I tell him whilst making my way to Madison and Jadah in the other chairs. I hug them each from behind, making sure not to ruin their neatly-done hair. “Yeah! But you didn’t say you missed us!” he exclaims. His bottom lip sticks out in a pout. Shaking my head, I make my way towards him and place my hands on his shoulders as I stand behind him. “I thought that was a given,” I whisper in his ear and then turn again to find Sacha and my brother near the doorway. The latter is looking at me with happiness emanating from his eyes. “Hey, Sacha!” I offer the boy a wave, which he returns with a smile. A busy-looking woman squeezes past me towards Owen, so I take a step back to give her more room. I watch her as she plays around with his hair, using spritzes of hairspray to keep it in place. I always loved doing other people’s hair when I was younger. I braided all of my cousins’ hair or used curlers on them whilst playing ‘hair-dresser’. My love for hairdressing went out the door as I got older and more anxious, but seeing this woman play around with Owen’s hair so determinedly, it reawakens the desire and enthusiasm. “This is Teresa,” Owen says when he catches me staring at his head and Teresa’s fingers. “She’s a magician when it comes to hair.” Teresa shoots me a kind smile through the mirror, which I nervously return. They caught me staring, that must’ve been a weird -- and kind of creepy, let’s be honest -- sight. “Y/N used to dream about becoming a hairdresser,” Jeremy informs them when he’s taken a seat in one of the chairs too. As both Teresa and Owen look at me with surprise in their eyes, I feel the heat rising to my cheeks. “You wanna give it a try?” Teresa asks, stepping aside from Owen. I open my mouth in pure horror, not knowing what to tell her. There’s no way I could ever do what Teresa’s doing. What if I mess it up entirely? What if I ruin all the work Teresa has put into his hair? What if I ruin Owen’s hair? “There’s not much you can do wrong with Owen’s hair. It pretty much just does what you ask,” Teresa tries to reassure me after probably seeing the absolute horror in my face.  I glance at Owen in the mirror. He gives me an encouraging nod. “Okay…” I mumble and step up to his chair. “How do you need his hair?” I ask Teresa. Owen’s character Alex probably has a specific way to how he wears his hair. He’s a ghost from the 90’s, I’m sure it’s a little different from his usual hairstyle. “Leonardo DiCaprio from Titanic,” Teresa simply replies, which is enough for me to know. I nervously raise my fingers to Owen’s head, suddenly anxious about the fact that I’m going to be touching this attractive man’s hair. My eyes dart over to his reflection in the mirror, our eyes locking. He licks his lips before they curl up into a smile that gives me enough encouragement to just go for it. I play around with it a little and grab a comb to guide me before asking the hairspray. Teresa hands me the bottle and I spritz some more of the product onto his blonde locks. Though Teresa has already done the works, pretty much, I’m just left with the finishing touches. It takes me about five minutes to get it in perfect shape. “You can tell you’ve had years of practice,” Teresa says, impressed at my work. “I mean, you pretty much did the gist, I just… finished it…” I trail off shyly. I avert my eyes from Teresa to Owen, who’s checking himself out in the mirror. “No offense, T,” he starts, turning to Teresa, “But I think someone’s coming for your job.” I’m frozen to the floor from the compliments that I don’t even move when Owen gets up from his chair and turns around. Suddenly, he’s mere inches away from me and all I can do is crane my neck to look up at him. A vibe I never felt around him when I first met him surrounds us now, resting down on us like a blanket. I don’t know why this is happening or how, but all I can see for a good minute is Owen and his tender smile. Until he places his hands on my waist, picks me up, and puts me down again a feet further. “I gotta go,” he says with a smile, “See you around, Lil’ Shada.” He boops my nose. The sudden movement startles me a little. I watch him walk out of the trailer before I come back from my daze and find everyone else in the trailer looking at me. “What?!” I ask, confused at why I’m being stared at. “What was that about?” Jadah asks, chuckling as she turns to face me. “What was what?” I ask again, seriously unaware what had just happened. “You, pretty much drowning in Owen’s eyes,” Madison reminds me. The thought of Owen’s eyes looking into mine just minutes ago warms me up from the inside out. Especially the nose-boop. “What?! No, I wasn’t,” I deny, but I don’t think I can hide it from either of these people. Thank God Jeremy had left before Owen. He would not have liked that. Jeremy is an amazing brother, but he can get a little overprotective when it comes to love-interests. “I’m gonna go…” I cough awkwardly, trying to come up with a good excuse, “Find my brother…” That feeling I had in that trailer doesn’t subside for the rest of the day. Sometimes I think it does, and then Owen looks my way or sends me a wink from the other side of the room and I’m back to feeling absolutely and utterly mushy. “Hey, you wanna go get lunch with us, Lil’ One?” Jeremy asks around noon when they’re done filming the scene. I take a look behind him, Owen and Charlie standing there, awaiting my answer. I lock eyes with Owen again, and he offers me a beautiful smile that persuades me. “Yeah, sure,” I reply and link my arm with Jeremy’s. The two other boys fall into step with us, Owen on my left, Charlie on Jeremy’s right. “Where are the others?” I ask. Not that I don’t like the idea of having lunch with these three boys. I just really like hanging out with the others too. “They had to start filming another scene, they had lunch earlier,” Jeremy informs me as we enter the restaurant on the other side of the street from the lot.  Owen takes a seat next to me while Jeremy and Charlie sit down on the opposite side of the table. “So, Lil’ Shada,” Charlie starts after we’ve ordered our food and drinks. “I heard you did Owen’s hair this morning…” I am taken aback by his subject of choice, especially since he makes it sound so teasing. My eyes dart from my brother to Charlie and back, unsure of what to say. Owen jumps to the rescue then, feeling me tense up beside him. “Yeah, she did a wonderful job! Her fingers are kinda like magic.” I look up at him, earning a smile from him in return. “Yeah, well, what can I say? It’s a talent,” I flip my hair over my shoulder confidently, though in my mind I’m wondering where all this confidence comes from. Even Jeremy is a little surprised by it whilst the other boys just laugh. “Maybe you should ask Kenny to start next week,” Charlie suggests with an excited grin. “Yeah! Then you could stay with us longer!” Owen’s enthusiasm dazzles me even more so than the words that come out of his mouth. He wants me to stay longer… “I still have to get through college, you guys. I can’t just quit?” I’m catapulted back into reality as those words roll off my mouth. “Do you know how much college costs?!” Owen and Charlie share a glance, wondering if either one of them knows. “I’m an actor, Lil’ Shada, so no…” Owen whispers in my ear without breaking eye contact with his buddy on the other side of the table. I let out a laugh, shaking my head in amusement. “How long are you staying?” Charlie then asks, his eyes flickering from me to Owen and back. “A week. I start college again next Monday,” I reply when the waitress finally brings us our food. “Thank you,” I say to her with a smile, the others doing the same. “So, you’re just gonna stay a week?” Owen queries before taking a bite from his lunch. “Yep… Going home on Sunday,” I answer. The disappointment in his face is prominent. “But I might come back soon if Jeremy will let me.” My eyes dart over to my brother, who hasn’t said much since we sat down. “Can’t really say no to Lil’ Shada, can I?” My lips curl up in thankfulness. “Besides, I think the rest of the cast would hate my ass if I took you away from them.” His eyes flick towards Owen for a split second. He has caught on to the vibe Owen and I have been giving off towards each other. Maybe it’s not just in my mind. “That’s very true,” Owen agrees, his mouth full of food. I turn my head to look at him, eyebrows raised at his immature way of eating his food. My eyes then fall on his chin, which has a little dressing seeping down it. I raise my hand and swipe my finger across his skin, taking the sauce away. He freezes at that moment, halting mid-chew. “Dressing,” I show him before licking it off my thumb. He swallows harshly and when I look back at the boys on the other side of the table, they’re staring at me too with wide eyes. “Someone ought to get this dude a bib,” I joke, trying to take the tension away. Charlie lets out a laugh, nodding his head agreeingly before turning back to his food. My brother, however, just raises his eyebrows at me. He doesn’t love the idea of his little sister being intimate with anyone. Especially not one of his best buddies. I can’t help it though. I’m a twenty-one year old woman, I have feelings. I have hormones. Jeremy’s overprotectiveness isn’t going to take away the fun from this week. I’m not going to let it. 

And I don’t. I spend the entire week on set, either hanging out with some of the girls or with my brother and the other boys. Teresa lets me help out in the mornings with the cast’s hair, teaching me some new tips and tricks. If anything, it just brings me closer to the cast, which is a nice bonus. Mainly because it also brings me closer to Owen. The connection we created during my time in Vancouver has only grown from that first day. Whenever Jeremy’s  not around or he can’t hear it, the two of us harmlessly flirt with one another and, whenever he doesn’t have a scene to shoot, we hang out together. One day, he took me to Julie’s bedroom set where we sat on her bed and talked until we fell asleep huddled up into a cuddle. Jeremy wasn’t happy when he found us like that. Even though I did tell him it was just an innocent nap. He didn’t take it. My brother’s disapproval didn’t stop us though. We just kept going to that set to take a nap together. It has become my favorite part of the day. “Hey,” he captures my attention. We’re cuddled up on Julie’s bed, legs entangled. My head’s resting on his chest, one arm slung over his stomach whilst the other is squished between our bodies. He has his left arm draped around my shoulder, his fingers trailing up and down my arm. “What?” I ask, looking up at him. He’s staring at the decorative lights above us. “Do you really have to leave tomorrow?” His voice sounds so soft, I’d almost believe he’s sad. “I mean… Yeah… I don’t think I can miss my first classes of the semester,” I whisper as though it’s a secret. My fingers start drawing patterns on his chest and abdomen as my eyes focus on them instead of his face. I’m too scared I might kiss him if I keep looking at him.  “Can’t you follow them online? Or just… I don’t know…” he exhales deeply, my head bobbing along. “I just don’t want you to leave yet.” I want to reply, but people bursting in the room cut me off. I scramble upright, terrified it might be Jeremy. Instead, Owen and I are tackled by Charlie, Savannah and Madison. “Group cuddle!” they scream, making me and Owen giggle. I go back to my previous position while Charlie comes to rest his head on my thigh, his arms around my waist, the rest of his body curled up between Owen and me. Savannah takes Owen’s other side, mirroring my position while Madi rests her head on his stomach. “What were you guys chatting about so intimately?” Savannah asks, followed by a yawn. “Me leaving,” I sigh joylessly. I feel Charlie’s arms tighten around me and Owen tense beneath me. Savannah’s eyes lock with mine, a pout forming on her face. “I don’t want you to leave. It’s been way too fun with you around,” she whispers. “I agree,” Charlie mutters. “Ditto,” says Madison, making me smile widely. Even more so when Owen presses a kiss to my hair. This is where I want to be for the rest of my life. Not on some stupid campus studying for a job I don’t even want to do. I need more time with these people. And I’m going to get it. It’s about time I did something for myself instead of constantly doing shit for others.

“Can I talk to you guys for a moment?” I ask Carolynn and Jeremy at the dinner table. Jeremy halts, his fork lifted mid-air, while Carolynn simply places her cutlery down, giving me her undivided attention. I inhale deeply, trying to gather all of my courage. “I was wondering if I could stay here a little longer? I haven’t talked to mom and dad yet, but I wanna do an independent study this year while interning with Teresa.” Jeremy drops his fork on his plate, a loud clatter echoing through the place. “She asked if that would be something I’m interested in, and to be quite frank, I am. Helping around this week really reminded me of how much I loved doing it.” I glance at Jeremy, noticing how tense and frustrated he’s becoming with every word I say. “Being a doctor was never my dream, Jer. It was mom’s. I think I need to do this. I need to do more things for myself instead of wanting to please others.” “I agree, sweetie,” Carolynn chimes in, offering me a supportive smile before the two of us turn back to the man of the house. He has his lips pursed, clearly mulling this over in his head. “This is about Owen, isn’t it?” he finally asks. The mention of the boy I had grown so attached to startles me at first, I didn’t expect him to be brought up in this conversation since it has nothing to do with him. “He put you up to this?” I open my mouth, but no sound comes out. I have no clue what to tell him. On one hand, I do want more time with him and Charlie and all the other cast members. I want more time with my brother. But I can’t hide that it’s mostly Owen that’s drawing me here. Spending time with him made me feel so much more connected to myself, in some way. He calms my anxiety. He makes me feel happy. Genuinely happy. “Of course he didn’t, Jer. Why would he do that?” I finally manage to bring out. “Because you’re clearly in love with him, Y/N!” The loudness of his voice and harshness of his tone makes me flinch. “But he’s not right for you! He’s distracting you from your goals, making you think this is what you want! You don’t know what love feels like but you think you do! You and Owen can’t happen, and you can’t stay here. You have to go back home!” The anger and frustration builds inside of me, and pours out in the form of tears. “You don’t have a say in this, Jer! I am twenty-one, I’m not a child anymore! I can decide what I want to do with my life and I can decide who I love!” I’m surprised by the words that flow out of my mouth. “I get that you wanna be the protective brother, Jeremy, but this is going too far. You have to let me make my own mistakes! You have to let me live my life the way I want it to!” He angrily shoves his chair back when he stands up in frustration, making Carolynn flinch. “You’re still a child, Y/N!” he shouts at me. I stand up too, leaning my hands on the tabletop. “I’m not even a year younger than you, Jer! If I’m a child, so are you!” I yell back. “At least I’m married and have a family!” he aggressively points at Carolynn, who’s rubbing her face in desperation. My eyes flicker from my sister-in-law back to my brother. “I would be in a relationship if you didn’t scare off every person I ever brought home!” “I didn’t want you getting hurt, but did I ever get a thank you for that?!” I scoff at him. He’s not playing the petty card right now. “That’s just life, Jer! People get hurt! People break your heart! But you never even let me experience that pain because you’re too obsessed with being the good brother!” My heart is pounding out of my chest. Jeremy and I have never fought like this. Sure, we used to bicker when we were teenagers, but it’s always been something stupid. This screaming match sounds like years of bundled up distress from both of us. “You have a hero complex, Jer…” I lower the volume of my own voice. Jeremy lets his head drop, knowing all too well I’m right. About everything. About the hero complex, about him meddling in my life. Everything. “I think it’s better if you go to your room for a while, Y/N,” Carolynn orders sweetly. The pent-up anger still hasn’t gone completely, it makes me want to lash out at Carolynn too. “Still not a child,” I mutter instead before grabbing my bag and leaving the apartment. Once the cold Vancouver air hits me, the realization of what just happened does too. The tears escape again, along with anger and regret. I don’t regret what I said to my brother. It’s the truth. It’s exactly what I’ve been thinking for years. What I do regret is telling him all of that in a burst of anger instead of a civilized conversation like we used to back in the day. That’s the only thing I really do regret. After a while of roaming the streets of Vancouver and getting riled up about the whole situation again, I find myself aggressively knocking at Charlie and Owen’s door. I don’t know where else to go and Owen’s the only one who could calm me down from the anger and frustration I’m still holding inside for my brother. I still can’t believe he even dared to say that to me. “Lil’ Shada!” Charlie greets excitedly, but his smile quickly disappears upon seeing my state of being. Jaw clenched, balled fists, tears running down my face. “Hey, Gorgeous, are you okay?” Owen appears in the door too after hearing Charlie utter my nickname. Upon seeing the boy, I race into the apartment, grab his face and bring him down to meet his lips. He’s startled at the force and aggression I’m putting into this kiss, but that soon dissolves when he kisses back. His hands find their way to my waist, pulling me closer and closer until I can’t do anything else but wrap my legs around his waist. He holds me tight, scared he might drop me while my fingers find their way into his hair. I pull back from his lips, but keep my forehead pressed to his. Both of us are panting from the intensity. I can tell from that sparkle in his eyes he  has no clue what happened, but he wanted it to happen for a while.  “I’m gonna stay,” I tell him in a whisper, which only makes the sparkle in his eyes more earnest. Without another doubt, he crashes his lips on mine again. This time, he takes it a little slower, making it more sensational without depriving it from the sizzle from before. I try to forget about the fight I’d just had with Jeremy and focus solely on Owen, but my brain counteracts. His words are on repeat in my mind like syncopated beats. This time Owen pulls back when he no doubtedly tastes the saltiness of my tears mixing in with the passion. He looks at me, the sparkle in his eyes making room for worry. “Hey, hey, what’s wrong?” he whispers, putting me down on my feet again but keeping his arms around me and my body close. “I’m sorry, I just…” I inhale sharply, “I had a major fight with Jeremy and I just can’t shake it. I have never seen him like this…” Owen snakes his arms around my shoulders, pushing him closer into his chest. He lets me cry for a while, holding me in his arms until I’ve calmed down a little. He takes me to the couch where Charlie’s sitting too. I hadn’t even noticed him still in the room, let alone that he moved. “Talk to me, Gorgeous,” Owen whispers, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. He’d stopped calling me “Lil’ Shada” a while ago, which makes me feel like I’m more than just Jer’s little sister. Savannah told me it was what he did to anyone he liked. Those little details are his way of showing his appreciation or love to someone.  I like the small details in Owen’s love language. “I wanted to ask him and Care if I could stay at their place a little while longer, and I told him about the independent study and internship I wanted to do while here. For some reason, he thought I was doing all of this for you, that you put me up to this.” Owen inhales sharply at this. I can tell he hates being part of a fight between two people that mean a lot to him. “I told him it had nothing to do with you, but he didn’t believe me. He was shouting and screaming that I was still a child and that I couldn’t make my own decisions. I told him he had a hero complex,” I scoff at myself. This whole fight sounds even more ridiculous now. “Told him that he wants to be the good brother and that he has this idea of being a good brother that doesn’t let his little sister live… or love.” Owen’s eyes flick at mine, a small smile tugging at his lips. “I shouldn’t have shouted at him though… This was all just pent-up anger and frustration from the past twenty-one years. I should’ve just told him to back off like an adult instead of yelling at him like a child.” I glance at Charlie, who had been listening to the entire conversation. His eyes look somber, almost heartbroken. These two boys are just too good for this world. I can’t imagine a life without them anymore. “We both acted like children,” I mutter, shaking my head. There’s rap on the door, shaking all three of us awake from the somber cloud we’re all on because of me. We exchange glances, knowing exactly who’s at the door. Charlie goes first, Owen and me following suit. The anxiety welling up inside of me must be visible to him because he takes my hand, intertwining our fingers as we stand a little behind Charlie as he opens the door. “Hey, Char… Is Y/N here?” I hear my brother ask. The Canadian boy opens the door a little further, presenting Owen and I. Jeremy had been crying too, I can tell. His eyes are red and puffy, his lips swollen from biting on them in distress. “I’m so sorry, Lil’ One,” he mutters from the door. That’s enough for me to let go of Owen and launch myself into my brother’s arms. He’s stunned at first, but then wraps his arms around me too. “I know I can be a little overbearing sometimes, but you have to know it’s only because I love you,” he whispers in my ear, followed by a sniffle. “You’re an adult, just like me, and it’s time I treat you like one.” I push him back slightly but keep my hands on his shoulders. “It’s about time you figured that out.” He lets out a chuckle, dropping his head in defeat. “Hey,” he looks back up. “Thanks for looking out for me. I know you mean well.” “We’re family, Lil’ One, we’re supposed to look out for one another,” he looks past me at the two other boys, “We’re all family.” Charlie and Owen walk up to us, the latter scratching the back of his head with a pained expression on his face. “Yeah, can we not call it a family? Because otherwise, I’m in love with a family member.” He places his hands on my shoulders and presses a kiss to my hair. I meet his eyes whilst my heart beats faster. He’s in love with me. A boy I’m in love with is in love with me too. I mean, of course he is, he wouldn’t have kissed me like that. Jeremy glances from me to Owen and back, trying to decide what to think about this entire situation. I can tell it’s hard for him to let this idea of his little sister go, but he’s trying. “Be careful with her, alright? You might be my best friend, but I will not hesitate to kill you,” Jeremy’s pointing at Owen, a harsh look on his face. “Bro, I could never hurt her,” he reassures my older brother, and me at the same time. “You better keep that promise, Joyner!” That night, Jeremy calls Carolynn over too, and the five of us sit on the couch all night, talking and watching movies. I love being in Owen’s arms so much. Though we used to cuddle and be flirty with each other before, it really does give a whole different vibe knowing I could just turn my head and kiss him now. My parents allow me to stay in Vancouver and go through with my plan, much to all of our relief. Days on set are amazing. I help Teresa and the other hairstylists every morning and during all the scenes when they need touch ups, spend every night at Owen’s and Charlie’s place, and have the most fun I ever had in my life with all these people around here. “Cuddle session?” Owen whispers in my ear when we’re rounding up the scene. His sudden hands on my shoulders and lips against my ear makes me jump at first, but I calm down just as quickly. “Baby, I’m working,” I giggle, clearing all the hair products from the table, knowing he’ll convince me within five seconds. Teresa really is a very loose mentor and wouldn’t mind if I escaped now. “But you’re almost finished though? And Teresa is here to take over from you?” he tries, which makes me look up at him, and then at Teresa. The woman I call my Canadian mother winks at me, letting me know I’m good to go. I turn around in Owen’s arms, wrapping my arms around his neck. “You are so lucky Teresa’s this awesome,” I tell him and peck his lips quickly. “Thank you, T.” I grab Owen’s hand and guide him to the bedroom set we’d used so many times for cuddles, whether that be alone or with the others. The second we’re in the room, Owen tugs at my arm, making me stumble into him with a squeal. Before I can ask what he’s doing, he cups my face with his warm hands and brings me in for a passionate kiss. He pushes me backwards when I kiss back, right until I feel the bed push into the back of my knees. I crawl backwards, Owen following suit as he’s still attached to my lips. He pulls back for a moment, looking me in the eyes with those tender eyes of his. He’s holding up his weight by placing a hand next to my head, using the other to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. “I love you,” he whispers, causing the corners of my mouth to curl up into a smile automatically. “I love you too,” I whisper back and diminish the space between our lips by pulling him down by the back of his neck. My fingers tangle up into the blonde hair I styled this morning. Doing his hair might just be my favorite part of the day, along with this. “Group cuddle!” Our intimate moment is disturbed by a mop of our friends attacking us on the bed. With a groan, Owen drops next to me, the others piling onto us. That lunch break, all of us take a collective nap on Julie’s bed, some on stomachs, on chests, shoulders, thighs. All our limbs are tangled up together, no bystander would be able to tell which limb belongs to who. To say my new job is the best ever would be an understatement. 

Taglist: @hannahhistorian92​ @marinettepotterandplagg​ @thequirkybookaholic​ @bookdealer5​ @tenaciousperfectionunknown​ @hemmingsness​ @iainttakingshitfromnobody​ @ifilwtmfc​ @angryknightstatesmantrash​ @kiss-themoongoodbye​ @rudysbay​ @caitsymichelle13​ @thedarkqueenofavalon​ 

Lemme know if you wanna be on my taglist! 

#julie and the phantoms #julie and the himbos #owen joyner #owen patrick joyner #owen x reader #little sister!reader #little sister!reader x Jeremy Shada #Jeremy shada #alex jatp #reggie jatp #charlie gillespie #luke patterson #madison reyes #julie molina #jadah marie #flynn jatp #savannah lee may #carrie wilson #tori caro #kayla jatp #carolynn shada #jatp #owen joyner fic

[anti-porn-unicorn]

I’m a girl (18 now) who got exposed/addicted to pornography at a really young age, and I wanted to share my specific story on this blog so that the platform can get it out there.

Under the cut is my full story, and it’s a little long winded, so if you don’t want to read the whole thing, I bolded in purple the general topic/idea of that section. Just look for whichever of those interests you and the section will be about that. The first and last paragraph are good for context and end goal, though.

Thank you.

I don't fully remember my first exposure to porn. I know I was in third grade (6-7 yrs old, I had skipped a grade). The reason I had wanted to share my story, in fact, is because I don't see many stories with circumstances similar to mine. Most I see have at least one of the following 'modifiers', for want of a better word. Most I see have at least one of the following 'modifiers', for want of a better word. Most I see have at least one of the following 'modifiers', for want of a better word. 1. The person is a victim of CSA/grooming. 2. The person was at a generally pubescent age (~11-14). And/or 3. The person experienced porn as a quick disturbance. To be clear, these stories are as valid and important as mine, and I simply think more perspectives make evidence of the effects of porn more airtight. I've never been the victim of SA, harassment, or grooming, ever in my life. My story shows the effects of exclusively porn.

The first memory I can recall about this was actually the first time I got caught. I was 6 yrs old, and very into video games,so on this day, I was playing a 3D porn game on my crappy hand-me-down laptop. I kind of knew that what I was doing wasn't acceptable, so I was sitting in my room in the corner as far from my door as possible. My mom walked in so I just slammed the laptop shut because I wasn't that good at hiding things. My mom obviously asked what I was doing, and I tried to keep her from looking, but it was right there when she reopened it. This is where the battle of it begins.

From ages 6-14 I don't have a good timeline of events but a few pop out that exemplify the severity of the issue. These are very probably out of order.

I got an iPod Touch for Christmas (~6-7), and every night I would watch porn on it until they caught on. I literally still remember some names of the sites, most that don't even exist anymore. My parents have always been amazingly caring. I couldn't ask for more. During the earlier ages (~6-8) I was put with a child therapist for fear of a deeper issue. My parents started either taking technology away in the night and/or setting restrictions on the internet. Unfortunately, between my slight tech-savvy, and my crazed addiction at this point, this wasn't a solution.

The addiction got DEEP. It warped my brain. When I had no technology, I used everything I could find.

Whenever I had access to less restricted internet, I used it. Once I asked my older cousin to use her iPod and watched it on there.(she noticed and told my mom. I remember my mom had asked me "Is there anything you need to tell me?", and I knew what she meant, but I just said "nope!" and walked away. At one point my dad's work provided him with a Blackberry, and I asked him could I play one of the built in little games. Once I had it, I watched porn. (when I gave it back to him he pressed the "back" button, and I was caught.)

I used Youtube. This was when YouTube was way less moderated (back when the app was a little old timey TV). I learned I could look up "striptease" and "nip-slip" and other stuff like that, finding more soft-core videos that could suffice when the internet in general was locked down.

I straight-up found out ways to disable the restrictions. Once I found out my mom's PIN for the controls, I went and disabled them, but changed the PIN so it would look like they were still on, and so that she couldn’t access and re-enable them. (I made it 7399. Spells "sexy". My mind was a mess.)

My parents bought a book called "The Classical Tradition". I'm just learning now as I'm looking it up that it was a Harvard Reference Library book (probably why it was so damn thick) about ancient Greek and Roman culture. I didn't know that. I had realized that sprinkled throughout the book there were pages that were more glossy than the rest, which you could see from the sides of the pages (the book was HUGE). These were the photo paper, which had the classical paintings and sculptures. And because these had nudity (Think "The Birth of Venus" type) I would regularly flip through this book when I needed a "fix". Absurd.

My parents got me an American Girl book that was made to ease worries about the developmental years. The pages on breast development / the anatomy of the vagina were what I looked at the most. When my parents had gotten me the child therapist, there was the logical fear that I might have been molested. The therapist gave me a book where there was a page with two cartoon mice, a boy and a girl. They were wearing swimwear/underwear and the point of that was "anywhere the clothing is covering is somewhere that adults can't touch you without telling.” They might as well have been stick figures, there was NO detail. But since they were in ‘underwear’ I'd always look at that page a lot. Anything barely vaguely sexual.

During this part of my life, I got no real pleasure out of this, I was just obsessed. For the first year I even watched it on mute out of fear of being caught. The lowest point during this period was when I very unfortunately filmed a video of me touching myself. I got nothing out of it and had no intent on ever sending or posting it. I was just emulating what I had been seeing. I deleted it the next day. I was 9 then.

From puberty until now (11-18) is when my sexuality was shaped by it. The addiction was far more controllable, I could spend a couple weeks to a couple months without it, but I'd always come back. Because it was now tied to my body. And while my need for it to be constant was gone, now I had to deal with the tolerance issue.

Over time what I watched became more and more depraved. I had the personal preference of hating anything amateur, because of the low quality, so I managed to avoid anything obviously non-consensual or involving visibly underaged girls, but that doesn't really mean much with the stuff the studios were putting out. During the middle points it got REALLY violent and disturbing. Bordering on torture (extreme kink) and even bodily deformation. As a young woman, I couldn't really tolerate any of the role based Kinks (father-daughter, babysitter, schoolgirl), so more extreme for me meant more extreme acts. Just absolute destruction of women's bodies for the purposes of sex. I moved away from that when tumblr banned porn and I started using reddit for it, and also during that time I was realizing how fucked up of an addiction that this was, even before I found feminism/anti-porn. I actively started trying to quit it, for good. But I always went back.

One big effect is heavy confusion with my sexual orientation. A lot of people face this, but the addition of porn for me really throws things off. Like: Am I bi, and a form of comphet/denial/inexperience keeps me from seeing women in a romantic way? Is it a mix of that and porn? (relatively likely) Or am I just straight, and the porn has completley shaped my mind (likely). 90% of the time I watched solo female content or lesbian content, and could only stand to watch certain specific forms if it included men at all. In real life I find a fair amount of men attractive but their bodies in a sexual sense are tolerable at best, but usually cringe inducing. l've never been attracted to a woman romantically, but exclusively women's bodies are sexual to me. It feels like everything in my brain that I would have been able to use in order to figure myself out has been permanently overwritten with incorrect information. Because of porn.

I've still got it bad. Every once in a while, I’ll read something vaguely sexual, or see a woman in a risque photo, and then the seed is planted. I'll always say "I'm not going to do it, I always feel disgusting after, it’s not even really enjoyable at this point, I can do better than this”. I always give in the end of the night. I'm 7 days off of it. I've been on this earth for 18 years. 12 of those years I've been cripplingly addicted to pornography. Two thirds of my life, and for as long as I can remember. I can never undo it. Just like an alcoholic will always be an alcoholic, only able to achieve remission, I will always be a porn addict. I have to be careful. But I have to hope for the future. And with finding the community that is speaking the truth about this, I'm heartened to do better. To no longer be held down by an addiction to consuming my own oppression.

#thank you for sharing #you’re not alone in this #I’m glad you escaped the addiction! #submission

[charlie-boio]

Learning to Love Again - Part 1

Pairing: Mitch Rapp x Reader

Word Count: 6089

A/N: Hey hey!! So this is the start of my new series for @writingsbychlo​ Mitch Month. She also helped me develop this idea which I am very grateful for! This will be a mutual healing fic for both Mitch and the reader, so please enjoy while I take you on a journey. I love this idea so much so I hope you all enjoy it as much as I do!

WARNINGS: gun violence, talks of past abuse, domestic violence, emotional abuse, mentions of panic attacks.

  “Stay away from me!” you back away slowly, your arms extended shakily out in front of you. Unfortunately, you were running out of space and your back hit a wall.

“You really thought you could leave me? ME? Who else will have you, you worthless bitch!” Jake slammed his hand against the wall next to your head. You flinched, jerking your head away. He was uncomfortably close, his breath hot against you, his glare piercing right through you.

“Please…go away…” you whimpered, tears falling freely now. You felt yourself shrink into yourself more and more, internally begging whatever God was out there to let you escape this situation.

Apparently, He wasn’t listening.

Jake moved even closer; his chest pressed hard against yours. “You’re staying right here, with me. I’m not going anywhere,”

Feeling as though you had nothing left to lose, you jerked your head forward, ramming it up into his nose. Jake yelled out, stumbling back clutching his nose, blood dripping through his fingers. Your eyes went wide for a split second before you bolted, running down the stairs, through the kitchen and out the back door. You weren’t sure what to do or where you were going to go, but right now the adrenaline coursing through your veins wasn’t concerned about a plan. All you were concerned about was getting away.

A loud clap came roaring through the air, followed by an extreme pain tearing through your side. A loud shriek echoed, and for a split second you turned to see if anyone was hurt before realizing the screams and cries were your own. The starry sky above you began to blur away, voices shouting around you that began to blur together with your vision. Eventually a face came into your view, but by that point you were too far gone.

Now you were in darkness.

Falling…falling…falling…

*

*

You jerked awake, sitting up in your bed. Your hand remained clamped onto your side while you gasped for air. You tried your best to remember what your Dr. Hanson had said to you, but her words died in your head, feeling frustratingly out of reach.

After a few painstakingly long minutes, your gasps turned into deeper breaths. Your eyes glanced around the room, taking in your new surrounds. You went through a mantra in your head ‘This isn’t Jake’s house in Los Angles. This is your apartment that he cannot get into. He’s currently in jail, and he cannot hurt you.’ You repeated that to yourself a few more times until it truly stuck in your head.

Tentatively, you touched the scar on your left side, feeling the raised mark against your skin. You said your last mantra out loud, “It was only a dream…”

Knowing sleep wouldn’t come back to you, you got up and stretched. Picking at your fingers, you glanced at the clock. 4:58. You smiled a little to yourself. Dr. Hanson would be proud of you for sleeping in an hour longer than last week, though she’ll be disappointed you couldn’t get a night without nightmares. That thought killed your mood slightly as you got up and made your way to the kitchen.

Your apartment was small, with only one bedroom since you didn’t know anyone who would come to see you. The living room and kitchen were connected, and you had a lovely little porch outside of the living room on the third floor of your apartment building. There wasn’t much to your apartment since Jake made sure you didn’t have many possessions anymore, but you were proud of it, nonetheless.

You settled on the couch, flicking through different channels on your bulky TV until you found a show that was mind numbing enough for you to watch. The thought of eating crossed your mind for a split second before you shook it from your mind. You weren’t hungry, you never were in the mornings anymore.

Besides, after your session today you go to the coffee shop down the street, and that would be a lot of your calories for the day.

Instead, you sat there watching the screen, but your eyes and ears weren’t really focusing on it. You just needed the noise to distract you from hearing Jake’s voice ringing in your head. Or maybe by now it was your own voice. Quite honestly, you couldn’t tell the difference anymore.

You blinked and apparently now the sun was up. You blinked rapidly a few more times and rubbed your eyes together. A surge of panic raced through you as you checked the time before immediately sighing and seeing that it was only 8:28 now. You still had about another hour before you had to leave. Since you had the time, you decided to shower before heading over to Dr. Hanson’s office. You walked into the bathroom and clicked the lock on the door. Even though you lived by yourself you always locked the door. You didn’t think you could relax without it. Turning on the water, you stepped out of your clothes and made sure it was a slightly too hot temperature before stepping in.

Showering was another way for you to shut out your past trauma and memories, and perhaps it wasn’t healthy, but right now you didn’t know how else you could deal with Jake’s pounding in your head, and there wasn’t anyone you were close to anymore who could tell you that this was wrong, other than Dr. Hanson. All you wanted was a moment of peace, so you’d spend way too long just standing in the water, letting it wash over your skin before rushing through washing your hair and body and hopping out.

Unfortunately, the shower took a little longer than you thought it would, and by the time you got out, changing into a plain white t-shirt with leggings and tennis shoes, it was already 9:42. You should’ve left 12 minutes ago.

Your eyes widened at the clock while your heart began to race. Fuck, fuck, fuck! You thought to yourself miserably and you ran out the door. You didn’t want to seem like a freak, so you instead walked a little faster than normal as you made your way to Dr. Hanson’s office. Thankfully, you still arrived by 8:56, four minutes early. You still felt the familiar pool of guilt in your stomach as you sat down and waited for Dr. Hanson to call you back.

You bounced your knee while looking down and picking at your fingers, opening the barely healed scabs that were around them. You glanced up at the secretary Trevor, who didn’t meet your eye as he was typing away at his laptop, looking over all the therapists’ schedules for the day.

You looked over to your right to see someone else sitting, his leg crossed over with his foot resting against his knee. His dark hair was a little on the longer side, but the look suited him well, along with the dark wash jeans and black t-shirt that clung to him well. A few moles scattered across his face; some you couldn’t see quite as well beneath the stubble he had. You couldn’t help but feel like he was out of place; he looked completely at ease, slouching in his chair while he read one of the community magazines they offered. He looked like everyone else, someone who didn’t have nearly as many fucked up problems as you did.

You had seen him here a few times, showing up every other Sunday, and while he spoke warmly to everyone he’s interacted with (Trevor), but he looks like he just keeps to himself. Still, he looked so calm to you. It’d be nice to have that in your life.

His golden eyes flicked up to yours, making eye contact with you. You jumped and immediately casted your eyes down to your fingers, resuming your picking. It’s impolite to stare, Jake’s voice echoed in your head. And he was right. Your head began to pound. Rude, rude, rude, RUDE!

“Y/n?”

Your head snapped up at Trevor’s voice, meeting his gaze. He smiled politely at you. “Dr. Hanson’s waiting for you. You can go right in.”

You nodded and mumbled a thanks under your breath and you gathered yourself up and wait past Trevor’s desk. You could feel the other man’s eyes on you, but you refused to acknowledge him.

You sat in Dr. Hanson’s office, adjusting yourself left and right, continuing to bounce your leg. Her office was rather small, nothing super extravagate. It was painted a pale blue, with her desk turned to face the large window. On the sides were bookshelves, which were filled with different classical reads you recognized. In the far corner was a cat tower, where Herbert was sleeping lazily, and in the center laid a rug with two couches on it, one of which you were sitting in. You crossed your legs politely, and you kept your head low, keeping your gaze down at your hands, which picking at the skin around your fingernails.

“Y/n? Did you hear me?”

Your head snapped up; eyes wide. Fuck. You were definitely not paying attention.

“Um…I-I’m sorry, Dr. Hanson” you mumbled, casting your eyes back down and sinking further into your chair.

“It’s alright, I simply made the observation that you hadn’t been working on what we discussed this past week.”

Double fuck. She’d asked you to work on not picking at the skin around your fingers, and you had agreed that it was something you needed and would work on. In all honestly, you had completely forgotten about it; you were really wrapped up in doing your own thing and just trying to survive.

You contemplated lying, but that didn’t work out too well last week. Not that Dr. Hanson got angry with you; she never seemed to ever get mad with you. Disappointed, maybe, but never mad, and now that you thought about it, she never even seemed disappointed either.

You forced yourself to make eye contact, something else she had asked you to work on that you never did. “No, I haven’t. I’m really sorry.” You said, voice raised to be slightly above the mumble you usually went with nowadays.

Dr. Hanson took notice and smiled at you encouragingly. “That’s okay. Would you feel comfortable trying again next week? Or should we adjust a our strategy?”

You shook your head. “No, I want to try again. I really just forgot about it, Dr. Hanson, but I want to try and focus on it this week. If that doesn’t work, then we can try something else. I want to try and get better.”

“I know it’s hard for you to see, but you already are doing better than before. It’s small, yes, and it may not feel like something worth feeling proud over, but I can assure you it absolutely is. How’s your routine been doing, for example,” Dr. Hanson asked while scribbling something down in her notebook.

“Really well,” you answered. And it was. Until you heard Dr. Hanson say so, you just now realize that your routine had been something you greatly improved on. Until you thought about your nightmares, suddenly a pit fell through to your stomach. “Um…I’m not too sure you’ll like my routine…” you lowered your voice as you spoke.

“Would you mind telling me anyways?”

You shook your head. “No, I don’t mind. Um…so I still have nightmares every night. It’s never the same incident, unless it’s…that night. Um, so I’ll usually wake up around 3:30 to 4:30. Somewhere in there. Um, then I’ll make a cup of coffee…but Decaf. I only have regular coffee on Sundays, so I’ll just watch TV until around 7:00, then I’ll shower and get ready for work which starts at 9:00, and then 4:00 I’ll go home and take a walk for about an hour or so. Then I’ll dinner and then I’ll…try to sleep,” you finished with a nod.

Dr. Hanson was nodding along, a smile on her face as she happily took notes while you spook. When she finished, she looked up at you. “What do you usually do on weekends?”

“Um…well nothing. Just watch TV, maybe read something. On Sundays I come see you and then go to this little coffee shop down the street, but other than that I don’t do anything,” you said, and honestly even reading was a small lie. You used to read a lot, almost five books a week. But after this past year, you honestly couldn’t remember the last time you read a book.

Dr. Hanson gave you a questioning look but decided against saying anything. “Can I ask a nudge question?” she asked.

Nudge and push questions. Nudges were topics that for you were uncomfortable to talk about but wouldn’t be panic attack inducing. It was mostly the “after-effects” of your and Jake’s relationship. Pushes were scarier and were questions specifically about what he did during your relationships. When you had first started out with therapy, you struggled to open up and it was awkward, and a little tense. However, once you developed this nudge and push system, it made your sessions go much smoother, especially if you weren’t ready to talk about certain things.

You took a deep breath and nodded, “I’m ready,” you answered.

“Can you tell me what your nightmares were about this week? If any of them are pushes, you don’t have to talk about them,”

Herbert had woken and was moving up on the couch and into your lap, so you were petting him as you thought it over. “Can I keep them brief?” you asked, a slight waver in your voice.

“Of course, whatever you feel comfortable with,” Dr. Hanson smiled at you encouragingly.

“Okay, well, most of them were from…that night. That’s usually when I would wake up, too. One of them was the day he locked me in the closet, only he never lets me out and I slowly shrivel away, and the last one was when we first met. Everyone was giving him weird looks, but I didn’t know what was wrong. Then he tore off his face and turned into a demon, and everyone was laughing at me…” Herbert cuddled into you closer, his big green eyes looking at you expectedly. It took you a second to realize you’d stopped petting him.

“Do you believe that dreams have any significance to your daily life?”

Nope, you thought. “I haven’t given it much thought.”

“Well, some might say in your latest dream, the one where Jake is a demon, that you blame yourself for not seeing it the signs sooner, and that everyone around you was able to see through it immediately. Would that have some semblance to real life at all?”

Whoops. You sighed. “…but it is true. I didn’t see it.”

“Y/n, a lot of people didn’t see it. Jake had a job, normal friends, and you both had neighbors that you regularly interacted. All of them didn’t see what was happening either. Do you blame them as well?”

“No, but-“

“Then it’s not your fault either. I know it’ll take some time for you to fully see this, but you were manipulated and groomed. This happens to people all over the world, and it’s no one’s fault but the person who did this to you, and you’ve been building your life back.”

Tears were lining your eyes now. “But-but I don’t feel like I’m accomplishing anything. I don’t feel better, and somehow even though he’s gone, I don’t feel free from him,” you blinked, and the tears fell.

“It’ll take time. Lots of time. Two years is a long relationship to undo, and it’ll be very hard I won’t lie, but you’re a strong girl. A survivor. You can get through this, I know it.” Dr. Hanson was able to say it with such confidence that you almost believed it.

Glancing at the clock, you realized 50 minutes had passed. Somehow, it still shocked you how much time flew by during these sessions.

“One last thing before we call it a day, sound good?”

“Okay,” you wiped your tears from your face.

Dr. Hanson handed you a tissue before continuing, “How about your job? You’ve been doing that for about two months now, and I haven’t heard you talk about it much.”

“Oh, it’s going good. I mostly just answer phones and organize people’s schedules. It’s a simple job, but I’ve been liking it a lot.”

“Have you made any friends?” Slowly, you shook your head. You barely spoke to anyone outside of the mandatory meetings to go over their upcoming week.

“Okay, are you up for another task to work on? You don’t have to accomplish it this week if you don’t want to, but maybe something to keep in mind, okay?” you nodded for her to continue. She smiled and said, “Make a friend. Maybe someone to join you at your coffee shop? Or someone to grab lunch with on Saturdays. You’ve been living here for almost three months, so make some roots; someone to talk to other than me. Give it some thought for me, okay?”

Herbert jumped off you, signaling the end of your session. You sat there for a moment. Another person scared you. Right now, you had your safe little bubble with you and Dr. Hanson. Anyone else was untrustworthy. What if they were like Jake?

Still, you knew it was unrealistic to shut everyone out, and if you were being honest, it’s been lonely. “…okay. I-I’ll try,” you said slowly.

Dr. Hanson smiled brightly at you while finishing up her notes. When she was done, she’d bid you a good day, and you left her office.

Walking down the street, you started thinking it over a bit more. You hadn’t even thought about starting over your life or making new friends. Thinking it over, you realized that’s probably why Dr. Hanson was pushing you to get a job in the first place. 

Therapists are sneaky…

That wasn’t true. They just point out obvious information and guide you through. It’s not her fault that your oblivious to it.

Turning the corner, you walked into The Roasted Bean. Sunday’s were popular, and today wasn’t an exception. You were about seven people back with everyone else buzzing around the shop, but you didn’t mind; it’s not like you were doing anything anyways. Besides, there were always tables available somehow.

Ben always worked Sundays, so he had gotten to know you briefly, or at least he knew your name. “Hey y/n, what would you like?” he asked warmly.

“Small iced caramel latte with whipped cream and a caramel drizzle please,” It was your usual order, but sometimes you liked to shake it up. Ben nodded at you before quickly going over to make your drink while you stepped aside. You started picking at your fingers, then quickly closed your fists, instead opting to fiddle with your wallet strap instead.

“Y/n?” Ben called, pushing your drink across the counter. You gave him a small smile, grabbing the drink from him. You turned to go to your usually spot to sit down and enjoy your coffee, but found a couple sitting there already. You fumbled for a moment and realized there weren’t any empty seats left.

You took in deep breaths, thinking over your options. You didn’t want to go back to your apartment, you would just lay in front of the TV again, and the park was a far walk from here, so by the time you would get there your coffee would be finished. You scanned the bakery again, hoping to find an empty seat when something caught your eye.

The man from the lobby was sitting at the far corner table, sipping on his coffee while reading a book. You weren’t sure how he found the peace to do that in a coffee shop. Like before, he looked relaxed and calm, something you were still drawn to. Taking another look over, you saw no one else sitting by themselves.

Dr. Hanson’s words echoed through your head. Make a friend.

Your legs were moving before you registered it, walking over to the man. Before you could think of a way to grab his attention, his eyes were already focused on you. They weren’t cold; they had a cautious undertone beneath the warm amber hues.

Still, he smiled at you softly, closing his book.

“Hi,” you said, wincing slightly as the stiffness in your tone.

“Hey, can I help you?” he responded evenly, keeping a pleasant smile on his face, but you could see him stiffen with you, though you had a feeling it was for different reasons.

“Um…” Fuck, this was a lot harder than you thought. “So-well-okay, I usually come to this coffee shop every Sunday and sit over there,” you jerked your thumb in the general direction of your usual spot. “And I usually sit by myself, but there isn’t open seats…and I guess I could you know go outside…or um go home, but I’m still pretty new here, so I was hoping I could sit with you for today?” You shuffled back and forth on your feet, flashing the man a quick smile.

He stared at you for a moment, still analyzing you. “Why me?”

You blushed. You didn’t really have a good answer for that. “Oh, well…I’ve seen you around before, and you seem to be pretty calm and…friendly…or at least able to tolerate someone while they drank coffee and talked about the weather,”

The man still didn’t say anything, his gaze hardened slightly. You were starting to think this was all a big mistake, but before you could open your mouth and apologize, he spoke. “Okay,” he said slowly, still not trusting you. “you can sit here.” He gave you another small smile.

It took you a moment to register what he said before you smiled back, settling down in the seat across from him.

For a few minutes, the two of you sat there uncomfortably, sipping your coffee. Maybe this was a bad idea. He probably changed his mind about you and now thinks you’re too odd to have as friend. I should just leave… As you went to make up an excuse, he spoke up. “What’s your name? I should probably know you a little better if we’re gonna sit together so it’s not like I’m talking to a brick wall.”

You giggled at his comment, “My name’s y/n y/l/n. What’s yours?”

“Mitch. Mitch Rapp.” You nodded, repeating the name to yourself under your breath. “How long ago did you move here?”

“Oh, I’ve only been here for a few months now,” you said.

“Ah, so that’s why I only just now saw you at O’Neil offices,” Mitch said smoothly.

You raised an eyebrow at him, “O’Neil?”

“O’Neil offices yeah, for therapy?”

Your eyes widened; your stomach dropped as you flicked your eyes down.

“Oh, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable…” Mitch said softly as he gave you a worried look.

“No, no its fine it’s just…I always thought you weren’t supposed to talk about it…” you said, lowering your voice as you talked.

“Oh no, not at all,” Mitch visible relaxed. “I mean, it’s about whatever you feel comfortable with, so if you’d like I’d never bring it up again, but you don’t have to think about it like it’s a bad thing that you’re going or something that you have to keep a secret. It’s for you, and for whatever reasons you’re going.”

“How long have you been going?”

“A little over a year now,” he said. “I, uh, probably should’ve started awhile ago, but better late than never.” Mitch took another long drink of his coffee.

“So…it gets easier?” you asked, voice small.

“Eventually. It takes a lot of work, and a lot of patience. I’m not even where I want to be, but you know, it’s about setting goals for yourself, and you’re always adding and changing them, no matter how big or small they are. My biggest goal right now is to one day look back and see just how far I’ve come, you know?”

You smiled at him. “That…that sounds like a great goal to have,” you said. “I might steal it from you,”

Mitch laughed, and it confused you for a moment before you realized he laughed at the joke you made. It’s been so long since you had any friends you had forgotten what it felt like. You decided to be brave for a moment, “Um, what kind of coffee is that? I’ve always been a big coffee fan and love trying new ones,” You both smiled at each other.

You two stayed in that coffee shop for a while, talking about little things. To some, it may have seemed like a meaningless conversation, but for the both of you, it meant everything. For you, it was another step in taking back your life and placing roots in a place that maybe one day you could call home. And though you didn’t know it, Mitch was opening up to you slowly in a way he hadn’t done with anyone else in a long time. It felt like a positive step, for both of you.

Mitch’s sense of humor was darker than you expected, but so was yours, especially after everything that happened. You laughed and smile more in the short time with Mitch than you have in the past two years of your life. Maybe longer. It felt easy and comfortable, like perhaps you two have known each other your whole lives.

After a particularly long set of giggles, you finally managed to ask, “So, what do you do for a living?”

“Oh, I’m a CIA consultant,” Mitch answered, twirling the now empty coffee cup in his hands.

Your eyebrows shot up, “Holy shit! That’s really impressive,” and you truly thought that. Normally, someone with a violent job like that terrified you, but for some reason, you weren’t scared of Mitch.

“Yeah. A while back I used to work in a Special Forces part of the CIA, and I’m sorry but I can’t tell much more about it, but we would travel a lot and would be involved in the more serious cases. I can’t go into too much detail for obvious reasons, but it kept me distracted. I…had gotten into it for the wrong reasons, so after a few years of doing it I just felt…really empty. And I hated that. I guess you could say my passion for going out into the field had died down. It didn’t satisfy me anymore, and I wasn’t getting…what I wanted out of it. So, I moved to the desk job version of it. Now, I’d only go in the field if it was extremely serious, but they haven’t used me yet. After I moved to that desk job, I started going to therapy. Now here I am,” He gestured to the café you were in. He shifted in his seat, “I, uh, haven’t, told many people that…”

You blushed, before settling on another bold move. You reached out your hand, “Um…can I?” Mitch nodded, holding his hand out to you. You grabbed it and squeezed it gently. “I’m…I’m glad you felt comfortable enough to tell me. And I get that, you know…the empty feeling…”

If you were really honest, this was the first time you had felt something in a long time. Even if it was just the start of your friendship.

Mitch squeezed your hand back, and you two left it like that on the table. The back of your said that this wasn’t something friends do, but you weren’t really listening to it. Instead, you two sat that, not saying another but not needing to. You could tell that Mitch was holding something back, but you couldn’t blame him. It’s not like you were being an open book yourself.

“What about you?” Mitch asked.

“Well, right now, I’m a secretary at the office down the street. I hope one day I could save enough money to go back to school, so I can finish my degree and become an elementary teacher,” your brain caught up to you, and you realized that you hadn’t told anyone about that dream, not even Dr. Hanson. Your heart quickened just a little bit. Why do I trust him so much? He’s a bigshot CIA member, he probably thinks that’s stupid…

However, Mitch smiled genuinely at you. “I can see that for you,” he said simply.

“R-really?”

“Yeah. I can read people pretty well, and I can just tell by looking at you that it’s something you’re passionate about, and you’d be really good at it,”

Happy tears sprung in your eyes, but you quickly blinked them away. Dr. Hanson always said she thought you were strong and brave, but somehow you wouldn’t believe her simply because she was your doctor. She was supposed to hype you up and say those things. But hearing that from someone you felt you had made a genuine connection with? It was something you hadn’t heard in a while, and it made you feel that maybe your dreams weren’t worthless after all.

“Thank you for saying that, Mitch. It…means a lot,”

“Meant every word, and I’m an extremely honest person. I promise I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it,” Mitch took a glance at his watch. “Do you live far from here? I would love to keep talking but I have a phone meeting at three that I can’t miss.”

You raised an eyebrow, fishing out your phone, “Three? But it’s only-“ you cut yourself off. It was 2:33. “We’ve been here for three hours?” you exclaimed.

Mitch chuckled, “Yep. Time flies, right? I can walk you to your apartment building, if you don’t mind. Do you live far?”

“Oh, just around the corner,”

You two left the coffee shop, still making some small talk to each other until you arrived outside the apartment building. Mitch turned to you, another soft smile on his face.

“I had a good time. We should do this again.”

“Absolutely! I had a wonderful time,” you said. And it was true, you did.

“Can I have your number then? I’d love to meet up for coffee next Sunday again,” Mitch was pulling out his phone.

“Oh, of course yeah!” you said happily, pulling out your phone. Your mood faltered slightly when you looked at the four pitiful contacts you had in your phone: Dr. Hanson’s number for emergencies, your boss’s number, your landlord’s number, and the only number Jake could never get you to delete.

Mom

You stared at your mother’s contact screen of the two of you together, big grins on your faces while the two of you had been vacationing in Rome. Your mom was always your biggest supporter, and you would never forgive yourself for the things you said to her that night.

Quickly, you pressed the ‘Create A New Contact’ button, looking up at Mitch. If he saw the contact list, he didn’t say anything, which you were grateful for. The two of you exchanged numbers.

“Okay, I’ll text you alright?” Mitch said, shoving his phone back into his pocket.

“I’d like that,” you said with a smile.

Mitch stepped towards you and wrapped his arms around you in a hug. You froze for a second, unsure of what to do before melting into it, wrapping your arms around his neck. This feels nice, you thought, and you could’ve stayed like that for the rest of day.

Instead, Mitch pulled back, placing a gentle kiss on your forehead that caused your heart to flutter in a good way.

“See you around,” Mitch said, stepping away and giving you a wave.

“Bye!” you waved back at him as he turned around and walked in the opposite direction. You stood there for a moment, watching him leave before you entered your building.

Walking through your apartment door, you realized a few things: 1. You were still smiling from the hug Mitch gave you. 2. On the walk home, you two had held hands then too, and 3. In the entire time you were talking to Mitch, you hadn’t picked your fingers once.

You sighed happily as you set down your things and headed for the couch. For the first time in a few years, you had had a good day.

#mitch #mitch rapp #mitch month #mitch month fics #mitchtober #mitch rapp x reader #mitch x reader #angst #american assassin #stiles #stiles stilinski #teen wolf #dave hodgman #sam taylor #love and monsters #dylan o brien

[singtotheskiies]

a single word // bruce banner x reader

request: Nothing would make me happier than a Bruce Banner X reader. He doesn't get nearly as much love as he deserves and he is adorable and smart and one of the many loves of my life. If you can make it a soulmate AU it would be even better and you would be my very bestest friend. But you don't have to write this if you don't want to.

summary: your soulmate’s emotions are written on your forearm. sometimes it’s only a single word—anger—and a news feed of New York being destroyed starts you on a mission to find him.

words: 2301

warnings: slight angst, but otherwise lotsa fluff:)))

a/n: i’m so sorry for the delay in writing! i was sick for a few days and found it really difficult to write. for that reason, this imagine may not flow as well or have as detailed writing as others, but i still hope it’s enjoyable!!

✖️✖️✖️

Your soulmate’s emotions were—complicated, to say the least.

Most people had multiple words on their arm based on what their soulmate was feeling at the moment—it wasn’t uncommon to see entire forearm-lengths of words like curious and fearful and hopeful. Sometimes your arm had a normal, long list like that, but over the past few years, things had begun to change.

Sometimes, the writing on your arm would fade away to one word—ANGER.

It was menacing—red and in all caps. Sometimes it would only last a few seconds, your arm flickering from ANGER to fear or attempted calm. Sometimes it stayed for hours before fading to confusion and regret and self-hatred. Your heart went out to your soulmate, mourning their seeming lack of stability. Sure, it was more interesting than a typical soulmate bond, but it seemed as if they had a hard time dealing with life and controlling their emotions. You hoped that if you ever met them, you’d be able to provide a much-needed constant of calm.

For your whole life, though, you were left clueless as to who it could possibly be. Someone who had such blindingly intense emotions was surely one of a kind—but no hints presented themselves until the attack on New York.

You were working like any other day when your coworker suddenly barged in, babbling about something horrific and otherworldly that was happening on the East Coast. Standing up in alarm (and, quite frankly, slight disbelief), you grabbed your phone and quickly opened your news app only to have your friend’s story confirmed. You clicked on a news feed, watching in utter shock as entire city blocks were torn down by what looked like otherworldly spaceships. They twisted through the air grotesquely, resembling some sort of worm or insect. Clearly, they were not from Earth.

A reporter was attempting to interview a shaken citizen—a young woman who seemed to be on the point of crying. The reporter wasn’t having much success, as the young lady’s voice was too choked with tears to get much out. However, after several painful moments, the woman’s face changed as she looked up. The camera pivoted wildly to show a small group of individuals making their way purposefully down the street. As it zoomed in, you got a closer look—the people looked intimidating and like they had a purpose.

All except one. The camera was slightly fuzzy and the chaos going on around it didn’t help, but you could tell a few details about this odd one out. He looked to be shorter than many of the others, with curly salt-and-pepper hair and a look of terrified confusion. He was unarmed with any weapon or armor, dressed only in work clothes. Your arm itched and burned as you looked at him, and you looked down at it in surprise.

Unsure, afraid, determined, disbelieving.

“No way,” you breathed, and your friend looked at you sideways.

“I know! Who are these people? I have no clue what’s going on anymore.” You didn’t have the energy to tell her that you were most stunned by the fact that the seemingly unarmed man may very well be the soulmate you had waited your whole life to meet. Although you did agree with her that you wanted to know who he was.

Before you could get a better look at the group of people, your maybe-soulmate spoke to one of the others and turned around to fight. However, as he did, he grew several feet taller, huge new muscles bunching together as his shirt ripped away to reveal—green skin? You couldn’t believe your eyes, staring at the screen in almost catatonic shock. Your arm started stinging again, and as you looked down at it, it shifted into that all-too-familiar word: ANGER.

“I have to go home,” you told your friend, packing up your things in a rush.

“Are you okay?” she asked you.

“Don’t feel well,” you said. Several other people were heading for the doors. You figured a disaster of this scale would cause more than a few changes in schedule.

Getting home in record time, you turned on your television and sat, not even bothering to toe off your shoes. You watched in utter astonishment as New York continued to be trashed by an otherworldly army. The news feeds gave as many updates on the team attempting to fight the aliens off as they could. Your eyes were peeled for any flashes of green, and you were occasionally rewarded with a few seconds of whoever-he-was fighting off creatures singlehandedly. Was this beast of a man the same timid person who had walked with the other fighters at the beginning? Maybe he was possessed or something. Hopefully he wouldn’t die fending off the alien attackers—possibly finding your soulmate and then having them ripped away from you on the same day was something you’d prefer not to happen.

After hours of battle, all the attackers had been taken out and the cube of energy—the Tesseract, it was called—had been taken to a government facility. You hadn’t seen any more of your potential soulmate, but the words on your arm had gone back to small black words: exhausted, relieved, frightened. He was still alive, thank goodness, but your only hope of finding out who he was was through news of some sort, so you kept your television on and scrolled through news websites as you ate dinner. After an hour or two, you began to feel a little hopeless—you couldn’t find anywhere that was listing the names of the group who had fought back—the Avengers, as they were being called. Eventually, you gave up and decided to call it a night. Maybe you’d find out more in the morning.

To your surprise (and relief) there was an article titled “Just Who Are the Avengers?” that seemed to list a few names. It was scant information (unsurprising, since they seemed to be spies or government workers of some sort), but it was something. The name that you were looking for seemed to be Bruce Banner—the Incredible Hulk. You felt a surge of adrenaline as you typed his name into your phone, pulling up multiple sources about your potential soulmate.

You discovered that he was a top scientist, a man who had underwent a freak gamma radiation accident that caused him to turn into the Hulk when he didn’t have control over his emotions. He now worked to understand radiation as well as countless other fields of study—the man had seven PhDs! He seemed to be quite the extraordinary person, and the pictures available of him painted him out to be quite the handsome man as well.

You looked down at your arm and sighed. Terror and hopelessness. Judging by the blue ink, he must be having a nightmare. You set your jaw and resolutely looked for some way to contact him. Yes, he had just saved America, but you had a feeling he needed some actual good things in his life. You wanted to help if it were at all possible.

The best you could do was find an email address, so you started a draft and stared at your screen wondering out loud what to say.

“Hi, I’m your soulmate—probably. Saw you turn into a big green guy on TV—that’s something else! No, that’s stupid. Uh—you seem to have a lot of trauma going on, maybe I could hel—no, I’m not his therapist. C’mon, think!”

You eventually settled on a message that stated your awareness of who he was, an admiration for how bravely he had fought, and the possibility that you may be each other’s soulmates. Breathing deeply, you sent the message and left your laptop open for easy refreshing.

It took him almost 36 anxiety-ridden hours to respond back, but his response made you smile.

Dear (Y/N),

I was so surprised to hear from you that I nearly dropped my phone—in a good way, of course. I appreciate your compliments, and your description of what happens on your arm would certainly be a good match for me. You seem to be a wonderful person, and while I would love to meet you right away, the rest of the team and I have a few post-battle things we need to take care of. Does coffee about a week from now sound good? Let me know, and we can work out the details.

Sincerely, Bruce

You emailed him back saying that coffee sounded wonderful, including your phone number because texting would be a little easier, you thought. He texted you about a half hour later, giving you details to a coffee place that was far enough away from downtown to be safe. Can’t wait to see you there, he said, and you grinned as you sent back a similar message.

Putting your phone down on your kitchen table, you hummed in satisfaction—finally, after waiting for years and years, you were meeting your soulmate.

✖️✖️✖️

You were a little nervous, to say the least, but it was tempered with a great deal of excitement. As you neared the coffee shop, you touched your hair almost self-consciously, but then took your hand away quickly. All you could do was hope for the best—if the two of you were really meant to be, things would go well. Taking a deep breath, you pushed open the door and went inside.

You found him almost immediately, and he stood up as if by instinct when you entered. He was at a small corner table, and his eyes met yours with a look of astonishment and admiration.

“(Y/N)?” he asked with near disbelief.

“Bruce,” you beamed, and without thinking, you threw your arms around him in a hug. He returned the gesture, arms wrapping tightly around you.

“I—I can’t believe you’re here,” he spoke into your hair. “I mean, really here. I always thought—“ he trailed off and you pulled back, looking in his deep brown eyes again.

“Of course I’m here, Bruce. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

“Thank you,” he said, smiling softly, and said “Shall we?” as he pulled out your seat for you. Thanking him, you took a seat and began studying his face as casually as you could. He had a strong jaw, full lips, lovely brown eyes, and the same curly brown-and-grey hair you had seen on the news. You had a very strong urge to reach out and slip your fingers through it, but resisted somehow. He noticed your eyes on him and cocked his head at you, a slight, sweet smile on his face.

“What?” he asked, his voice grinning along with him.

“Nothing, you’re just—really handsome,” you said, blushing. “I think you’re wonderful.” He blushed with you, and you smiled at each other for a long moment before discussing what you would order. After settling on a few things, you placed your orders and began chatting right away. He told you about his work in the science field (he shocked you with his intellect), while you told him about your job. You shared little facts about each other, and as you talked about your interests, he watched you intently with awestruck, loving eyes. It gave you more than a few butterflies, and you could still hardly believe that you were there with your soulmate.

After you finished your drinks, Bruce offered taking a walk outside. You nodded enthusiastically, wanting to spend as much time with him as you could. There’s a park nearby, fairly large for a city, with lots of pretty flowers and trees to enjoy. As you walked, you continued talking about all sorts of things.

Eventually the topic of his alien-fighting experience came up, and something in his eyes shifted. Looking down at your arm, you saw the words nervous and hopeful and worried etch themselves into your skin. You furrowed your brows in concern, and without thinking, took his hand. His fingers moved nervously under yours, but latched on with clear relief.

“I’m sorry,” he nearly whispered. “I just feel like—well, I can’t offer you normalcy, dependency, consistency. Sometimes he just takes over. I try, I really do, but I’ve still got a long way to go before I learn to control or even coexist with him. I could hurt you, I could break things, and it scares me, (Y/N). You’re very likely the best thing to ever come into my life, and I don’t want to ruin it.”

“Bruce,” you answered, tears welling up in the bottom of your eyes. “I don’t need consistency or perfection or anything close to it. All I need is you. We’ve been put together for a reason, and I’m going to fight for you, no matter what tries to stop us. I’m here for you now, and I don’t plan on leaving anytime soon.”

He really did whisper now, your name softly under his breath. As his eyes met yours, you began to move a little closer, head tilting towards his as if magnetized. He raised his other hand to brush across your face gently, a question, and you smiled in response. With a soft tip of his head, your mouths fell together, eagerly gentle. Your hand came up to ruffle through his curls, and they felt just as lovely as you had imagined. The two of you stayed that way, together, touching, for several moments. As he came up for air, he rested his forehead against yours, kissing you again until your smiles outgrew the spaces between you.

“Thank you,” he murmured again, and as you looked into his blissful eyes, you noticed your arm—only a single word was on it, different from the one you typically saw by itself.

Smitten.

#bruce banner #bruce banner x reader #bruce banner imagine #bruce banner x you #marvel #mcu #marvel x reader #mcu x reader #marvel imagine #mcu imagine #the hulk #the incredible hulk #the avengers #mark ruffalo #mark ruffalo x reader #mark ruffalo imagine #fanfic #imagine

[im-totally-not-an-alien]

Final Fantasy prompts # 31

1. Sephiroth uses Cloud as a therapist.

Sephiroth going on about his life while Cloud is tied to a chair and gagged is just hilarious to me.

2. AVALANCHE, Sephiroth and the Turks are all turned back into 10 year olds and booted, (by Aerith probably) to the Pokémon world and have to survive as Pokémon trainers. The problem? They were all separated and no one has any way to contact eachother.

(Inspired by Viincentsvalentines pokemon/ff7 post. I adore Cloud having a overprotective and murderous Shinx as a starter pokemon. I also love AC Cloud with a Luxray)

(I have a set of rules I use for the pokemon AUs if you're interested)

3. Cloud is ace/aro and is just working on Fenrir, blissfully oblivious to everyone fighting over him just inside the bar.

Those who aren't fighting are fueling the fire and making the situation worse.

In short, Reno starts a shipping war with an actual war.

There is no mercy.

Featuring: people trying to flirt with Cloud only to be full-body tacked away mid conversion, Cloud shrugging everything off, Rufus being a manipulate weasel, and Cloud choosing to "Date" his motorcycle just to get people off his back. No one is respecting Clouds boundaries or sexual orientation.

4. Cloud gets thrown back in time but loses his memory. He has no idea who he is or how he got to this snowfield, luckily this energetic, spikey haired man befriends him and is dead set on showing him off to Angeal.

Genesis had to do a double take, the blond wasn't just well armed. He was practically prepared for war. A massive overly intricate sword was the mans back, his gaze was unwavering, even when faced with the three most powerful men in the world. The redhead barely had to glance at him to tell that all the materia on him was at max level, even the supports.

"Well, my dear friend," he began, turning to Angeal, "it seems your puppy has brought home a wolf."

5. Sephiroth appears to Cloud in his apartment, intending to torment him again. Cloud doesn't seem to acknowledge him, no matter what he says or does. He even grabbed his puppet by the throat and pinned him against the wall.

Nothing. Cloud just closed his eyes and began counting backwards from thirty. The former general released him and Cloud went back to making his sandwich.

The silverette was thoroughly miffed at this point and stalked Cloud throughout his apartment as he sat down the plate of food down on his table next to a glass of water. The blond then darted into the bathroom for a moment and came back with a small orange pill bottle.

Intrigued, Sephiroth watched the blond down two pills before picking up the bottle.

He looked back at his blond, quietly assessing him as he ate his sandwich.

"So. You've been hallucinating."

6. Cloud bursts into a packed SOLDIER rec room disguised as a SOLDIER 2nd and yells, "Who knew about the cat?!" Then sprints across the room and breaks through the window, leading down to the streets below.

The room erupts into chaos.

Later Yuffie pays him 2000 gil

7. Sephiroth not understanding the symptoms of a crush while Genesis tries to teach him how to flirt.

Genesis is not having a good time.

8. Cloud and Sephiroth are trapped in a small enclosed space. So there they lay, pinned by debris, pressed against eachother, and making awkward conversation cause Cloud will be damned if he let's Sephiroth go on about the whole "Sailing the cosmos" thing again.

9. Vincent and Cloud secretly sing duets together when no one is around. Poor Barret winds up listening to them sing (and dance to) "Instruments of cyanide" (DA games version) and is thoroughly shook.

On the plus side, he now knows why Valentine always carries around those small Bluetooth speakers

10. Time traveling animal version of Cloud who reverts back into a human while being petted by Sephiroth.

"....I can explain."

11. Doll AU where Jenova creates an AC Cloud doll for Sephiroth, a CC Zack doll for Angeal, and a FF7 Aerith doll for Genesis. All of the dolls are life-sized and perfect copies of the originals. The three generals didn't know what to do with them at first. Sephiroth shoved his in a closet, Angeal sat his on the couch and poked fun at the real Zack, and Genesis layed his lovely maiden in a glass coffin filled with lillies, using her as a center piece in his home decor.

It starts with Sephiroth occasionally brushing his dolls blond hair, eventually coming to brush it every night. He became obsessed with caring for the doll, until one night, while he was laying in bed pretending to be asleep in an attempt to do the real thing, his doll came to brush his hair. He remained still while the doll lovingly groomed him. Even after the doll left, Sephiroth did not sleep.

The Zack doll...was another thing entirely. Angeals things would go missing on a regular basis. His laptop, his keys, his keycard. He couldn't tell you how many times he'd been locked out of his own apartment. The weirdest time, was just ofter he had comforted Zack, telling him that he cares about him more than any doll, no matter how lifelike it is.

Angeal had night terrors for a week strait and every pair of pants he owned disappeared on the day of a military presentation he was required to attend.

Genesis's doll has full on disappeared from her case, sometimes for days at a time. The redhead is always furious, convinced someone is stealing her. He sets up cameras, but they catch nothing. One moment the doll is there, then she's gone. He always felt like he was being laughed at when this happened, on the other hand, the flowers in the case mysteriously never wilted and new materia would appear around his house sporadically. Which was weird because he was always meticulously organized regarding his materia.

Aka Eldrich Doll au horror story slowburn.

12. Sephiroth realized his puppet was growing stronger at the same rate he was growing weaker

(Not related to no. 11 unless you want it to be)

13. Sephiroth shoving a ring onto Clouds finger and proudly declaring them married.

Cloud thinks he's gone completely off his rocker.

14. Sephiroth devolving into base animal instincts to court Cloud.

Example: giving him shiney rocks and materia, blankets, and basic food and hygene products, killing people the blond hates, complimenting him on both his looks and skills, and of course, preening himself to look the absolue best for his precious.

The best part is that it actually works

15. Vincent and Cloud cuddling in Vincents coffin. Cozy.

#sephiroth #puppet cloud #cloud strife #genesis rhapsodos #angeal hewley #zack fair #aerith gainsborough #ff7 story prompts #ff7 prompts #ff7 #final fantasy 7 story prompts #final fantasy 7 #vincent valentine #Eldrich #Doll Zack hates when Angeal leaves #he also gets jealous of human Zack #number 14: one of these things is not like the others

[blvirz]

Living Life Through a Lense: Chapter Twenty-Four(B)

Word Count: 11.4K

Warnings: swearing? (idk does that count??)

[2:30 AM KST, five days before the new premiere]

In every single pamphlet you were given at the hospital just before leaving, experts in them listed independence and control to be two of the most important things that you would lose after a brain injury. And it was true. No longer could you be alone for extended periods of time, nor could you be in charge of simple things such as taking your medication or walking to go get the mail downstairs. Now it wasn’t that you didn’t agree with the statement, but what these pamphlets seemed to have left out was the rare, but still likely to occur memory loss. So if somehow you were to reword them, you surely would have given memory loss an honourable mention among the things that were hardest to lose.

As a result of the accident, physically you were left suffering from a broken wrist, extensive bruising all throughout your body, and a deep gash near one the temples of your forehead. However mentally or to be more specific, cognitively, you suffered with concentration, mood swings, and memory loss.

Immediately after the accident you were thrust into what seemed like an endless schedule of testing and consults with your doctors to determine the extent of your cognitive impairments. At the end of all that, it was determined that you had forgotten everything in the past few months; from people to events and even certain habits, all of it was gone.

So far on your list of forgotten people included your supposed girlfriend Jennie, the rest of her members: Jisoo, Lisa and Rosé, and the various other staff you had become friends with at YG. You knew their names, but anything you learned or experienced with them after that first initial meeting at YG was gone. You couldn’t recall anything about their personalities, or even the moments you shared with them before the accident.

In the last month following the accident, your company had slammed the brakes on the release of your documentary. And with its release delayed a month, it gave you time to focus on your recovery. Which for you, meant weeks of physical therapy for your wrist, the occasional doctor's visit, sessions with an occupational therapist, and then back home to continue wallowing in both self-pity and despair. However, the newest development in your routine was sitting at your desk for hours at a time watching all of the footage captured in light of your latest documentary.

Nothing in your routine had seemed to do anything positive in terms of your recovery. Your therapist only made you more confused and agitated, while the videos made you feel cold-hearted and guilty. But at the end of each day, you still went to therapy and you still stubbornly stayed up into the early mornings watching as many videos as your brain would allow. In hopes that just maybe, by some miracle, something might trigger your memories.

Currently, it was almost three in the morning and having decided that you did enough sulking for the day, you sat up in your chair in search of a new video to watch. Though, somehow you always found yourself gravitating to the video labelled Jennie on your very cluttered desktop. Jadedly, you clicked on the video and pressed on the spacebar, and for what had to be the one-hundredth time, you sat back in your chair and let it play.

The video started off hectically, but once the camera was brought to a steady and able to focus, it showed a clear shot of a woman sitting on a picnic blanket eating chips. In the background behind her, you could see the very evenly cut grass, and if you focused hard enough, you could also make out the pristinely cut hedges. All things considered, from a videographer’s perspective it was an awful shot, though there was no denying the fact that the video had a certain charm to it, you just couldn’t figure out what it was.

“Okay go it’s recording,” you heard through the speakers of your headset; it was your voice, but because you spent years having to both hear and edit it, you were able to ignore it out of habit.

It was a few seconds of silence, so quiet that you were able to hear the wind when suddenly there was a loud crunching noise immediately followed by laughter.

“What! There’s no way you heard it that time!” the woman in the video exclaimed; her eyes noticeably widened.

“Jennie… I’m pretty sure all of Korea heard you. Now say it! You lost!”

“Wait give me one more shot! Just one more. Please Y/N,” the other girl pleaded.

There was a prominent sigh that was picked up by the camera followed by the words, “fine. One last shot. But! The second I hear something, you have to say it.”

She nodded and with ease plopped another chip into her mouth. And just like the first time, it took a couple of seconds, but there was another clear-cut crunching noise that could be heard.

She sat there silently with her eyebrows furrowed, her nose scrunched up and lips formed in a pout, but as soon as her features softened up from behind the camera you could hear, “no! Don’t give me that look. I’ve already given you enough chances. Now pony up, I wanna hear it.”

She sat there silently unwilling to give in to your commands, and if you hadn't watched this video a hundred times before, you would have assumed that the video was going to end. But instead, there was some shuffling and eventually, it showed your face as you leaned against the girl’s shoulder. “Nice and clear. Say it Jennie,” you said as you laughed and looked at yourself in the camera's viewfinder.

She then pretended to roll her eyes in annoyance, and you would have believed it if it weren’t for the smile that she was desperately failing to hide from the camera. Shortly after, in a clear and soft voice, you heard and watched as the girl in the video stared at you and told you that she loved you. Just before the abrupt ending you had come to learn the video had, you could faintly hear yourself say, “I love you too.”

Watching the video over and over again you realized three things. For one, this probably wasn’t supposed to be a part of the documentary considering how it was shot. Two, because it was the only video on your desktop, it must have meant a great deal to you. And three, although it was a short clip, it showed you all that you needed to know; that you were in love with the girl in the video, and that she loved you too.

Before you could let your frustrations get the best of you, you closed your laptop and headed to bed.

…

Your doctor sat in a chair across from you at a desk behind several computer screens. After getting one final look at what you assumed were the results of your latest tests, she wheeled herself out from behind the desk so that you two could talk face to face. “Everything so far looks good on my end, and after going over the results of your latest cognitive test and brain scan, it looks like our weekly visits are no longer necessary. However– there is a catch. Any kind of intense physical activity, alcohol, and medication other than the ones prescribed are strictly prohibited for the next month. Taking part in any of these can have serious adverse effects. That being said, did you have any questions?”

Wasting no time you asked, “have the chances of my memories coming back changed since the last checkup?”

You watched as your doctor tried to maintain the neutral expression she was probably trained to have in medical school, but seeing the way she pursed her lips and the movement in her shoulders as she exhaled, told you that the answer was not the one you were hoping to hear.

“Considering the injuries you sustained, along with the twenty-plus years of experience I’ve had researching the brain... the answer is still that it’s highly unlikely, but again, as I’ve said in our previous checkups, the brain is still something we don’t have fully figured out. One day you could wake up and start to recall the things you thought were long gone. Don’t give up Y/N.”

This was how your doctor's appointments always ended. Each time you went in, you hoped to hear something new, but in the end, she always told you the same things in some other variation of words. The truth was, you weren’t exactly sure what answer would satisfy you, but sometimes you wished she would just say the word ‘no’ to answer your question; that way you could begin to move on. But the fact that there was the tiniest bit of hope in her long and drawn out speeches kept you from letting go completely.

…

[1:30 PM KST, four days before the new premiere]

Glancing at the clock on the stove, you hurriedly poured your coffee into a to-go cup. Because of your injured wrist, it rendered your whole left arm useless. And so, everyday tasks like getting the toothpaste on your toothbrush, tying your shoelaces, or making coffee like you were doing right now, ate away at both your time and patience.

Just when you were about to put the lid on, you accidentally knocked the cup with your freshly poured coffee over, causing it to spill all over the counter and produce a steaming pool of liquid on the ground near your feet. Frustratedly, you picked up the cup and threw it in the sink, and a loud bang rang throughout the apartment.

Like clockwork, Lex came bolting into the kitchen to see what you had managed to fail at this time. “What happened? Are you okay? Are you hurt?” she asked while she panicked and checked your body.

Pushing her hands away, and in a voice that lacked emotion, you said, “I’m fine. I just spilled some coffee. I can clean it up.”

She didn’t listen and began to clean up the dark brown puddle by your feet. “Lex please just stop,” you said firmly, while she continued wiping the ground.

“Lex! Enough!” you yelled causing her to flinch, but by then she was already finished with cleaning up your mess.

As she stood up to face you, she said, “I’m just trying to help Y/N.”

“Yeah I know, but the problem is that you are always helping. Please just let me do things on my own.”

For a few minutes she didn’t say anything and instead looked down at the ground; immediately making you feel bad for losing your temper. You knew that her heart was in the right place, but you just needed some semblance of control, even if it was something as little as cleaning up some spilled coffee.

To avoid any unnecessary argument, you said that you would just ask the driver to pick up some coffee on the way, and walked out of the kitchen without another word.

…

Framed diplomas and other accolades covered the walls, and neutral colours made up the room: ivory, beige, taupe, black, white etc. The walls were painted ivory with white crown mouldings, the carpet was taupe, the furniture you both sat in, black. The only source of vibrant colour came from the view outside the window, and the lonely looking green plant in the corner of the room; to you, it looked like a low-budget sitcom set.

“Y/N? Are you ready to begin today’s session?”

The calming yet disruptive voice of your therapist rang through your ears pulling you back from the endless stream of thoughts and observations that swirled in your head. You spaced out normally, but after the accident you found yourself doing it more often to make sense of the things you were feeling.

Are the things I’m currently feeling real? Or is this just another mood swing? Were the questions you asked yourself almost hourly.

“Uh. Yes,” you said as you nervously tapped away on the armrest of the couch you were seated on.

“Like always, let’s start off easy today. I would just like to remind you, like in all of the eight times we have met previously, you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, and if you ever feel yourself starting to get worked up we can move on. Now we have done this exercise twice before…” your therapist continued on while reading the things on her tablet.

It drove you nuts how she would always remind you of things like how many times you’ve met or how many times you’ve done a certain exercise. Of course, you didn’t doubt her or her ability to do her job, after all, she was a trained and licensed professional. But you couldn't the sheer amount of redundancy in these meetings couldn’t have been helping anybody.

“Y/N?” your therapist asked while waving her hand in your general direction.

Sitting up straighter, you quickly reverted your attention back to your therapist. “Sorry, I spaced out again. Can you repeat the question?”

“Has there been anything significant in the last few days? Anything new?”

You didn’t have to think twice, you couldn’t do much and your routine was always the same. “No, not really. Since I’m not allowed to do a lot of things, I mostly stay at home and watch TV, while Lex works. And then when she’s done we go out to eat, go out for a walk, come home, sleep, and do it all over again. Occasionally Jennie and the members come by, and it’s fun… but it never fails to get awkward when one of us is reminded of the accident.”

“What do you mean it gets awkward?”

“Well because I don’t remember, you could imagine I miss out on a lot of the inside jokes. It’s just– there’s no flow in our conversations when they are constantly having to stop and explain. Or there are times where I make a mistake and they all chalk it up to the accident–” You cut yourself off to avoid getting frustrated. Your heart began to beat harder in your chest, you could feel your whole body flare-up in heat, there was a lump in your throat, and tears already welled up in your eyes.

“It’s okay Y/N, take your time. I would still like you to continue. That is if you’re willing.”

After taking in a few deep breaths and agitatedly shifting in your seat once more, you continued. “I feel like I'm suffocating. Physically I’m recovering. However, mentally… I’ve gotten nowhere. It’s almost as if I’m living a life that isn’t mine.”

“And your main goal… is to remember again, correct?”

The word ‘yes,’ was all you could muster.

“Why?”

You looked at her in disbelief, and yet she looked right back at you not realizing the stupidity in her question. Did she really just ask me why I wanted to remember? Has she not been listening these last few weeks? What kind of therapist are you? Surely she’s joking, right?

…

“Why? Pfft. She really asked me why I wanted to remember,” you mumbled to yourself as you walked along a gravel pathway. After leaving your therapist’s office, you went straight to a nearby park to blow off some steam before heading home for the day. Much to the dismay of your security, they took you to the park as you requested and maintained a safe walking distance from you. You wished that they would have stayed in the van, but you were nevertheless thankful that they gave you some breathing room. With everything that happened, you weren’t allowed much.

It was your third lap around the park when you decided that you had enough time to yourself and that you should head back home, but before you could, you paused at the odd sight before you. In the distance, you saw an elderly lady sitting on the ground, and you wouldn’t have thought twice about it if it weren’t for the empty park bench just a few meters away from her. So without further question, you made you way over to see if she needed any help.

When you got closer, you could see what looked like a walking cane on the ground next to her, and after a quick scan, you could deduce that she had fallen. Her hands were visibly scraped and bleeding, one of her ankles swollen, and if not for the dark coloured pants she was wearing, you could see the dust and gravel on the side of her legs. While bending down you asked if she was okay, to which she mumbled something that you couldn’t make out all the while she had a puzzled look on her face. Which right away told you that she didn’t speak or understand a word of English. Looking back at your security you saw that he was already on the phone with who you assumed was emergency services when your attention was quickly brought back to the older woman as you felt her put her hands on your arms.

It took a while but you sat there and kept her company until the paramedics arrived. Although you couldn’t exactly communicate with her, from the look on her face alone as she was being wheeled away, you could tell that she was thankful for your help.

On the way through the park and back to the van, you looked at your bloodstained sleeves. You couldn’t explain it, but there was something eerily familiar about it.

…

Entering your apartment like you had done at least a hundred times before, you locked the door, hung up your coat, kicked off your shoes and headed further inside. Having walked “alone” in the park for nearly two hours, your thoughts were a bit more organized and you felt a little more at peace with yourself. However, that was all quickly cut short when you walked into the kitchen.

At the kitchen table, you saw Lex with her phone held right up against her ear with the help of her shoulder while she frantically scribbled down something on her notepad. With her other hand, she was furiously typing away on her laptop. Though when she looked up and saw you the frantic demeanour she had quickly gone away and was replaced by one that told you she was anything but glad to see you. After saying a few words into her phone, she hung up and slammed it onto the table.

“Where the hell were you?” her tone was noticeably hostile.

Okay. She’s mad. You thought to yourself. You wanted to carefully choose the next words to come out of your mouth, but the death glare she was giving you made you choose impulsively.

“At the park,” was all you said.

“So that’s it? No explanation as to where you were for the last two hours? No call? No text? Are things that easy for you? You know Y/N, I have tolerated a lot these past few days because of the accident and all of the pain that you’ve been experiencing. But if you are going to continue down this path of being stupidly selfish then–”

The way that she was firing questions at you made your head hurt but still, that wasn’t enough to draw you away from her last question. You let out a frustrated laugh at her choice of words. No one really was listening to you after all. Easy? Is that what she said?

“Are you laughing? Do you have any idea how worried I was for you? How many people I’ve called to see if you were with them? How many hours I’ve spent calling every hospital within a 15-kilometre radius? I will never get that time back Y/N! Don’t you understand?”

Just when you were about to say something she held her hand up in a way that told you to shut up, “I’m not done. You’re going to stand there and listen to what I have to say because you don’t seem to give two shits about how much work other people have been putting in these last few weeks. Ethan is doing his best to ensure the investors are happy. I’m doing my job as well as yours. Jennie doesn’t get to come home. Everyone on the team has been busting their ass off for you. Bending over backwards just so that you feel comfortable. And here you are acting like a rebellious teenager, running off alone without telling anybody! Y/N you really need to start growing up.”

“One. I wasn’t alone. If you had simply called my security, you would have been able to find out where I was. And two, do you really think that this is easy for me? I know that it’s been hard for everyone! You don’t think I see it on your faces every time you look at me? You think I wanted to put you through this? I am trying my best, but I just needed some time alone.”

“You. Can’t. Be. Alone!” she enunciated.

“I know!”

“Then why–”

“–I just needed to get away. I’m so tired Lex. Tired of disappointing you, and everyone else when I don’t recall certain things. Tired of having to have everything be explained to me. Tired of feeling like I’m being suffocated. So while I understand that going off without saying anything was dangerous… that time alone did more for me than what the last two weeks of therapy has done.”

It was the first time in a long time where you really had to dive deep and explain all the things you were feeling. Of course, your therapist expected you to do this with her; though that was easier said than done. With Lex, however, it all came out easily; all the pent up frustration and all the things you were afraid to say to a stranger.

“Y/N I understand that, but therapy is good for yo–”

You interrupted once again. “No you don’t Lex! How can you honestly say that you understand? Did you suffer the brain injury? Did you have everything in the past year ripped away from you? Do you have a girlfriend that you look at and don’t remember? The therapy has been helping everyone but me. You and everyone else get to feel reassured knowing I go there to get worked on when in reality it only makes me feel worse.”

The last few words were hard to get out. No matter how many times you swallowed, there was still that persistent lump in your throat. And every time you exhaled, you could feel your chest tighten up and the ache in your ribs intensify. Trying your best to not let it get the best of you, you sat on the floor and slumped against the kitchen counter. At the same time, Lex came around from behind the island, knelt on the ground next to you and rubbed your back.

“I am just trying to help you Y/N. I don’t know of another way to do that. I’m doing all that I’ve been told by the doctors.”

“I know. It’s just frustrating to feel like nothing’s changed. To me, I’m still where I was a year ago. Heartbroken and confused. And it certainly doesn’t help with everyone telling me that I was happy and had all these great things– I just want to remember.”

Lex didn’t say anything after that and neither did you. For the rest of the night, you two sat there on the ground in your kitchen, while she hugged you and let you cry it out on her shoulder.

[9:30 AM KST, three days before the new premiere]

In your dressing room with a towel wrapped around your body, you stood there looking at all the shirts and sweaters that were either folded on the shelves or hung on the racks. There were so many options, yet none of them stood out to you. Turning around you decided to look for a pair of pants in hopes that maybe it would help you decide on a shirt, but instead, your eyes landed on the clothes on the other side of the closet. T-shirts, sweaters, dresses and things like all sorted by colour were neatly stored on the other side.

Your first night home after the accident you stayed up all night looking at all the things that you knew didn’t belong to you. And every morning since then there was always a brief moment where you were confused to find things that weren’t yours. Whether it was her assortment of perfumes and makeup in the bathroom or the very clothes that you found yourself staring at.

After deciding what to wear, you walked out and headed into the kitchen. Not surprisingly, Lex was already seated at the table eating her breakfast. However, what was surprising and in fact made you smile was the fact that she didn’t have your breakfast already laid out for you in the spot next to her. It was baby steps but still progress in letting you have some control.

So you were listening yesterday... thank you. The voice in your head said.

When you finished with the breakfast that you had made for yourself, you got up, put your dirty dishes in the sink and headed to the front door to go to your physical therapy appointment. On your heels, Lex walked with you to the front door.

Babysteps Y/N. She’s trying. Let her say goodbye.

Once you were able to get your shoes on, you stood up and both of you laughed at how out of breath you were just trying to get up. As a habit, you stood there and waited for her to open the door for you.

With a puzzled look on your face you looked at the door and then back at Lex, with a smile on her face she said, “what? You said you wanted independence, so here it is.”

You laughed and shook your head. “By letting me open the door by myself?”

“Precisely.”

“Okay… here I go,” you said as you put your hand on the handle.

But before you could turn it, Lex pulled you in for a hug, rested her head on your shoulder and said, “will you just promise to call or text me if you aren’t coming home right away?”

Pulling away and with a smile, you said, “okay. I will.”

…

Walking down the hallway toward the door of your apartment, you held your once broken wrist in your other hand. Truth be told ever since the doctor took the cast off, you had a hard time letting your wrist be free; guarding it just in case you accidentally bumped into something. You knew that your fear was irrational, after all, he assured you that there was no need to keep wearing a cast or much less a wrist guard. It was healed all the way through, but still, out of habit you couldn’t help but guard your wrist like it was still broken.

Once you got to the door, you practiced what you had done at least a thousand times in physical therapy. In the weeks leading up to this moment, you went over the motions that you did in your everyday life before the accident. Motions that you didn’t have to think twice about. Such as twisting locks, tying shoelaces, pouring liquid into various other cups without spilling, and even opening doors like you were doing now. Each of them you did at least a hundred times a day, which you figured was probably why you were so frustrated when you had to come home and do them all again.

Very slowly and carefully, you clasped your fingers around the metal handle, and to your surprise, it twisted on its own. As a reflex, you pulled your whole hand back. Before you could question why the door handle had turned on its own, the door opened and revealed Jennie? Why are you here?

For some reason, the sight of her caused a sudden hitch in your breathing. Both of you stood there staring at each other, frozen on opposite sides of the doorframe. When you looked her up and down, you saw that she was holding onto a pair of white shoes. Immediately taking notice of what you were looking at, she held them up and said, “I needed these for the dance practice video we’re going to film today. I forgot that I had left them here.”

Still, for some reason, you couldn’t say anything and instead nodded all the while giving an awkward smile. Smooth Y/N. Just smooth.

“You got your cast off?” Jennie asked while also grabbing a hold of your arm.

Tenderly she ran her fingers over your wrist in the same motion you were doing just a few minutes earlier. And for a moment you allowed yourself to remain still with her hands wrapped around your arm and her fingertips making small circular motions over your skin. Her touch was soft and gentle, almost enough to make you forget just how long you two were standing there. Impulsively and like a child with a toy, you pulled your hand out of hers and held it with your other hand.

Nice job Y/N. Why are you so nervous? Relax! The voice in your head screamed.

“Uh– yeah. The doctor said I didn’t need it anymore. I’m all healed,” you said as you smiled, trying to distract her from what you had just done. During the last few words to come out of your mouth, a look of sadness flashed across her face. It was fleeting, but you caught it anyway.

She didn’t smile or seem the least bit happy like she was a few seconds ago, which made you question whether you had done something wrong. There was yet another awkward silence and before you could ask her about it, she said, “well… I should get going, the members are waiting for me in the van downstairs. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow?”

She must have seen the look of confusion all over your face, which prompted her to clarify what she meant. “At the party?”

“Right.” And with that held the door open while the both you traded places.

“Jennie?” you asked, immediately causing her to stop in her tracks. She looked back at you expectantly.

“Good luck with your recording today. I hope you guys can knock it out on your first tr–” as the words were coming out, you didn’t notice but she had moved closer and threw her arms around you in a hug. Automatically as a force of habit, you stiffened up in order to shield your wrist, which probably gave Jennie the wrong idea that you were uncomfortable with her hugging you. But that couldn’t have been further from the truth. The hug was tight and made you feel secure. “You don’t have to say anything back, but I just wanted to say that I missed you,” she whispered.

Before you knew it the hug was over, and she was already making her way back to the elevators, not giving you the time to reply. Either that or you really did take too long; with Jennie, it was difficult to discern whether seconds or minutes had gone by. The way in which you two locked eyes just before she got on the elevator left you frozen just outside your apartment door, even long after she left.

…

[6:30 PM KST, two days before the new premiere]

As the van you were riding in came to a stop, you opened your eyes and sat up straighter in your chair. Through a quick glance out of the window next to you, you could see that you were stopped in front of the gates at YG. There was a loud buzzing sound, and after a few seconds, the van lurched forward causing you to grab onto the armrests of your chair, but it wasn’t long before you yet again came to another stop.

Looking around you could see that there were several other vans identical to yours waiting outside in a line just before the front door. Too many in fact if each van was responsible for dropping off one person, there would surely be too many people still. YG told you to expect a big party for the release of your documentary, but there was no way you could have expected this.

Soon your van came to a stop at the front of the building, and once the door of the van was fully open, you waited for Lex to exit first and then did the same. On the way out one of the security guards standing outside extended his hand out for you to grab and steady yourself, which you gladly took and thanked him for.

Finally sheltered by the walls of YG, it was an odd sight to see the place so empty in light of all the commotion going on outside. In your head you questioned where all the people dropped off ahead you were when suddenly there were muffled sounds of music that could be heard from above, immediately answering your question. Shortly after stepping inside, you were being ushered to the elevators by some staff.

On the way up you nervously toyed with the bracelet around your wrist, so much that Lex took notice and grabbed your hand to give it a reassuring squeeze. It had been a while since you were last in a room with more than ten people at a time, so for a party of this size to be your first time in a long time, you were rightfully nervous. Before you knew it, the elevator came to a stop and the doors opened up to a crowd of people; none of which you could recognize.

Just as Lex was being pulled away by some of the other staff, you told her to go off and enjoy herself. “Go and have fun. I’ll come find you if I get uncomfortable.”

The truth was that you were already uncomfortable, but after your argument the other day you felt bad for what you had put Lex through, and so if feeling the slightest bit uncomfortable was the price you had to pay for her to have a good time, you were more than willing to suffer it. You looked around to find someone you knew, but instead, your eyes landed on the bar across the room.

On your way to the bar, you looked at all the monitors and screens that were scattered around the room. It made sense, technically this was a viewing party, but no one ever actually watched the film at these kinds of things. Taking the time to look at the screens you noticed some of them were playing parts of your documentary, while others had the pictures of you and the members playing like a slideshow. God, I really need a drink.

“I’ll one have of these please,” you shouted to the bartender as you pointed to one of the drinks on the menu. The music was so loud that you were forced to.

After he had heard you and got around to making your drink, you felt a tap on your shoulder. Turning around you saw that it was a woman who you didn’t recognize, but then again how could you, when the vast majority of the people you had become friends with here had been wiped from your memory.

“I’m sorry, di–do I know you?” you asked politely. You hated that you had to start off every conversation with that these days, but it was necessary.

Before telling the bartender that she wanted whatever you were having too, she leaned in closer and said, “no I don’t think we’ve met before. You just looked like the only friendly and sober one here. Should I know you?”

You laughed and hesitated on whether you should tell her this party was, in a way, for you. Ultimately, you decided against it and let the conversation naturally flow.

While she sipped on her drink she looked around the room rarely ever looking at you, and whenever she had to say something, she would lean in closer to your ear in order to speak over the loud music. Through your conversation, you two talked over topics like working for YG, your jobs and moving to South Korea. Since you had forgotten, you told her honestly that you couldn’t offer her much. But what you could do was recommend all the things you had done in the last few weeks. Which even then was very few, but still included some restaurants you and Lex frequented and even the park that you walked through the other day.

For once your conversation didn’t revolve around your accident, and it was nice. On top of all that, she didn’t give you that same look of pity you had become so used to getting these past few weeks. You were having such a good time that it was probably a good half hour into your conversation when you had noticed she had gotten too close for comfort. Part of you wanted to think nothing of it and brush it off as friendliness, but the other part of you felt guilty that you hadn’t noticed. After all, you were still dating Jennie. Right?

You two were just about to exchange numbers when you felt a pull on the arm that was furthest from her. When you turned to see who it was, you saw that it was Lex and after offering the woman an apology for the interruption, you leaned in closer toward Lex to hear what was so important. “Y/N I love you. You know that. But sometimes you make me want to just strangle you. Wrap up this conversation. You’re hurting Jennie.”

Lex pulled away and gave the both of you a polite smile, and if it weren’t for the things she had just said, you would have thought everything was fine. You knew it wasn’t Lex’s intention to hurt you, but the last words to come out of her mouth stung and immediately made you feel bad. Forgetting the woman next to you, you looked around the room to look for Jennie, but she was nowhere to be found. As if she could tell what you were doing, she pulled you in once again and said, “she’s no longer in the room. Wrap this up and I will take you to her.”

Turning around swiftly, you were just about to tell the woman that you had something to take care of and that it was nice talking to her, but somehow she understood and let you go. While walking away you heard her shout, “wait,” which prompted you and Lex both to stop in your tracks. Turning around one last time, you watched as she confusedly looked at one of the screens and then back to you, “you’re Y/– this party is for you?”

“It is,” you managed to say before turning around and being forcefully pulled away.

After getting off the elevator, you were able to recognize where Lex had planned to bring you with the help of the familiar artwork that hung on the walls. If your guess was correct, you would end up at your office. Since the documentary was finished, there was no reason for you to use it, but after the accident, Lex took you to see it once.

Both of you stood in front of the door and looking through the frosted glass you saw that the lights were turned off. In a serious tone and just before leaving, Lex said, “I’m going to go meet up with the rest of her members, but you two should talk. You owe her that much Y/N.”

Lex was gone and you were standing alone in the hallway, you twisted the door handle and walked in. It was dark in the room, but after blinking a few times to adjust to the lack of light, you could see that Jennie was leaning against the couch. In her hands, you could see what looked like a framed photo. Once inside the room, she placed the photo down next to her, wiped her face with the back of her hands and looked up at you for the first time.

Shit. You were crying. Good job Y/N. Good job.

“Jennie I’m sorry,” you said, not wanting to move any closer. She didn’t say anything and so you continued, “it was never my intention to hurt you. I’m just– I’m not sure what it is that you want from me.”

“I want you to stop flirting with people that aren’t me! I want you to remember Y/N!”

“You don't think I want that too? Do you really think that I enjoy putting you and everyone else through all this pain? And as for speaking to that girl, I’m sorry if you mistook that for flirting. I really am. But I refuse to apologize for simply having a good time. For once it was nice to have someone treat me normally, and not as if I’m some sort of project. Something that needs to be worked on, or fixed.”

Your tone was more condescending than what you had wanted, but you couldn’t help it. Enough was enough, and you were done with being reminded of the injury and what it had taken from you.

“Is there something else that I can do for you? What can I do? What do you want from me?”

“I want you to tell me you love me again. I want our mornings where we go back and forth over who gets ready first. I want the rushed lunch dates we used to sneak out on in the middle of practice. I want our routine dinners with the rest of the members and Lex. I want– I want us, Y/N. Where we used to be.”

For a moment you stood there to take in and internalize everything about what she had just said. Every aspect: from the words she used, the tone, down to the pauses she took. The desperation and sadness in her voice are what got you to soften up, though as much as you wanted to give in to what she wanted, how could you?

How do you tell a girl that you don’t remember loving, much less remember, that you love her? How do you look at the girl that everyone says you were madly in love with... and tell her that you don’t remember a single thing that happened between you two? How do you avoid crushing the heart of someone who was very clearly in love with you? The answers to all these questions were different, but among them was a common theme; all of which would end up hurting Jennie.

Enough time had passed to the point where Jennie mistook your silence for not wanting to continue with this conversation and headed for the door.

“We should get back to the party. I’m sure everyone is looking for us,” she said just before leaving the room.

It didn’t sit well with you to let her walk away from your conversation because it was far from over, but it simply wasn’t the right time. What also didn’t help was that you didn’t have the answers, and what she wanted, you couldn’t give her. In theory, you could have, but your heart wouldn’t have been in it and deep down you knew that was unfair to the both of you.

The rest of the night was impossible to enjoy, and so after finding YG you thanked him for the party and told him that you had to go home because you were feeling unwell. He understood and signalled for one of his staff to take you home. Not being in the right headspace as well as not having the energy to explain what happened, you told Lex that you would be heading home early, and convinced her to stay.

When you got back home and were settled in bed, you ran over countless scenarios in your head until you fell asleep. In the end, it all boiled down to two options: working with what you had, or letting her go.

Wouldn’t you be better off without me? I wouldn’t be there to cause you any more pain, and you could move on. If I were half the amazing girlfriend you claim I was, I would do this for you, right? Set you free so that you could be happy?

[11:30 AM KST, the day before the new premiere date]

Your phone buzzed loudly on your bedside table instantly waking you up. Blindly smacking the surface of the table, your hand finally landed on it. With your eyes still closed, you unplugged it and brought it closer to your face. Pressing the side button on the side and with one eye open, you saw a text from Jennie. Shooting up in your bed, you unlocked your phone and read the message.

Jennie: are you up? can you meet me at this park?

*Jennie has dropped a pin*

You: yes. right now?

Jennie: in 10? I only have an hour lunch.

You: okay.

…

“Damn that’s spicy,” you said as you put your food down on the bench next to you and tugged at the collar of your shirt. Not only did you feel the spice spread like wildfire in your mouth, but it eventually began to spread down through your neck and into your chest giving you instant heartburn.

“Did you also manage to forget that you don’t like spicy food too?” Jennie laughed as she handed you a water bottle she had just finished opening.

While taking the bottle and chugging the cold water that was inside of it, you looked over and through the tears in your eyes, you watched as she laughed in your suffering. The spice only seemed to get worse and it hurt like hell, but all you could think of was how good it felt in the moment to have made her laugh instead of cry.

When you had arrived at the park, you were surprised to see Jennie with no security. She sat there all alone on one of the park benches with the food that you were now devouring in her lap. And with the way that everything had gone the night before, the last thing you thought you two would be doing was having a picnic in the park. So far you were genuinely having a good time, but inevitably when you thought about what you two still had left to discuss, it loomed over like a dark cloud. Keeping you from being able to bask in the sunlight and happiness that seemed to radiate off of your current company.

Whether it was one of the side effects of your injury or your surmounting impatience, you impulsively asked Jennie why she had asked you to come to a park out of all places. Desperately, you searched for an answer in one of her many facial expressions. When what looked like some sort of satisfaction covered her face, you were surprised to say the least.

“Right. You wouldn’t remember it. This is your move Y/N. I’m pulling a you, on you…”

A move?

You gave her a questioning look to which she replied with, “the last time we argued… we had a screaming match in your hotel room, which resulted in you having to sleep in Lex’s room. And literally, the next day you brought me to a park– an amusement park of all places to work things out. What did you say to me again?”

It took a few minutes but you could tell the exact moment when she remembered because she sat up straighter and smiled, “you told me you picked that place so that we would be forced to have a mature conversation, and if not, then we would be forced to look like ‘two idiots screaming at each other at an amusement park.’”

“And did we argue?” you asked.

“We did not.”

You believed her, not because she had no reason to lie, but because it certainly sounded like something you would do. I wish I could remember Jennie. I really do.

“Jennie, I don’t want to argue anymore.”

“Neither do I.”

“I thought about it yesterday, and seeing you that upset… I never want to be the cause of that. So it is because of that reason that I’ve decided to let you go.”

You had more to say, but because she was so silent and hadn’t moved in the slightest, you paused to see if she was even listening.

“Just be happy Jennie. Enjoy the rest of your tour being carefree. I don’t want us–or me, to hold you back. I don’t remember anything so don’t feel bad for getting to walk away. It’s a free pass,” you joked to make light of the situation.

You were relieved to hear her laugh, but listening closer, you quickly gathered that it wasn’t because things were funny, and instead were out of frustration. “Out of all the things your brain allowed you to forget. Events, people, certain habits… you didn’t lose the one thing I hate the most.”

“And what’s that?” you asked, wanting to indulge her.

“Your tendency to run when things get difficult. You did it with Irene and now you’re doing it with me. How do you do that? Go off and just decide?”

While she moved to dab the corner of her eye with the sleeve of her sweater, she mumbled something else, but it was just enough for you to hear it. “Why did you have to make me love you?” she asked.

It broke your heart to hear it in the way she said it. It would have broken anyone’s, but it only reiterated the reason why you decided to end things. There was no reason to fall deeper and suffer the consequences. No reason to keep hurting her this way.

“I just– I don’t want to keep going around in this cycle. Every night when I go to bed, I replay the movie that is us. I break up with my girlfriend back home, I come to Korea to work with you, I meet you, and then it ends. There is no plot. There is no love story. There is no happy ending. Just unnecessary pain at the end.”

In the last sentence, you could feel the tightness in your chest return, and so you stood up. Jennie remained seated on the bench.

“Y/N but no one is hurting! You are doing that all on your own by pushing us away. You’re just confused, it’s the injury.”

There was no getting through to her either. Everyone was either dismissive of the things you felt or made excuses on your behalf. Somehow and someway it was always because of the injury. It was frustrating enough to feel like people were constantly trying to piece you back together, but what was even more frustrating was the invalidation you had to face every time you made a decision. Once again, making you feel as if your life was no longer yours.

“I’m hurting!” you yelled causing Jennie to flinch. You tried your best to not let it get to you, but it was too late. You slipped. You dropped the ball. You lost it.

Frustratedly, you closed your eyes and ran your hands through your hair, all the while you paced in the spot in front of the bench. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to–it’s just so frustrating when no one understands... Out of all the questions I get asked in a day it’s never the right ones. When the doctor asks where it hurts, I hesitate and point to my ribs when in reality it hurts everywhere. I must be the only patient in the world that can’t tell the doctor exactly where it hurts. I mean how do you point to something that doesn’t quite exist, an intangible injury? I wake up, take my meds, go to therapy, come back home to watch videos, and do it all over again the next day. Nothing is coming back and it is killing me trying to get back to where I was.”

Amid your long and drawn out speech, Jennie got up and stood directly in front of you. She put her hands on your face and tried her best to lock eyes with you. While she held your face steady in her hands, she pleaded, “just try for a little bit longer Y/N. If nothing is helping then let me take you to all the places we’ve been to. We can do it all over again. Please.”

She was grasping at straws if you could even call it that. After all, there was nothing there. No relationship holding you together.

Taking her hands in yours, you removed them from your face and stepped back. It was already hard to breathe, and her holding onto you in this way only made it more difficult.

“But don’t you get it? I can’t give you what you want. You look at me and see this person that you fell in love with, but when I look at you I see a stranger. Realistically, how is this going to work if I don’t remember loving you? If you have an answer to that then I’ll do whatever it is you ask.”

It was only a few seconds later when she had something to say.

“Then don’t remember. Forget about what I asked for. Let’s just– start fresh. Give me a month to make you fall for me again. We can go back and do all the things we did in the past, or if that’s not what you want then we can do something else. Just give me a month, and if at the end of it you still don’t want this– then I’ll let you let me go. Even if that’s not what I want. One month Y/N.”

At every possible turn, she had an answer for you, almost as if she knew exactly what you would say. To be honest, you weren’t expecting her to have an answer right away, and that alone told you that she had thought about this from every possible angle. Which was something you thought you yourself could say until now. Turning around to look at her, you stood there completely dumbfounded; she gave you a solution that never once crossed your mind.

Could we really work things out? Would it be so bad to try one last time?

Her phone rang just then, and you couldn’t have been more thankful that it did. There was a lot to think about and you didn’t have an answer for her. Before you knew it, both a van and security escort showed up to take her back to YG. Even when you told her you needed more time to think about it, she was still reluctant to get inside the van. You two needed to figure things out quickly, at least before she left for tour again.

…

[12:30 PM KST, day of the premiere]

“Y/N! The van is outside, we have to go now or we’re going to be late!” Lex shouted as she came into your room, pausing at your door.

You sat still at the foot of your bed just staring at the ground. For the past hour, you looked down at the ground and contemplated. It was release day, and you should have been happier but the thought of what questions you might be asked by the press caused you great stress.

When you saw something move in your peripheral, you looked up and saw Lex standing there. She looked stressed out of her mind, and you could understand why. The last time you sat on a panel, the press had asked you a question that was a little too close to home. At least that’s what Lex told you the night before when she coached you the night before. When you got home from the park, Lex took you through some of the questions she thought they might ask. After all, how could you answer questions about something you didn’t remember filming? And so, a lot more preparation was necessary this time around.

…

[1:30 PM KST, day of the premiere]

If everyone could take their seats, the press event will begin soon. Please have your questions and other equipment ready as to not cause any delay.

For ten minutes, that same message repeated over and over again in both Korean and English. In the area before the stairs leading onto the stage, you and the members were surrounded by a dozen other people while they frantically checked each of your earpieces. Since the event was held for both Korean and international media outlets, translations would be made through an earpiece.

When the message stopped playing, you saw one of the stage manager's gesture for you all to begin walking on stage. In order, it was Jisoo, Jennie, you, Rosé and then Lisa. The moment Jisoo stepped on stage in full view of the media was when you heard the camera shutters begin to go off, and saw the bright white flashes of the cameras flood your current view.

For a few moments, you and the members stood in front of the enlarged version of the official documentary poster, occasionally turning to smile at a different section of the media. The constant flashing kept you from being able to see their faces and even hurt your eyes, but it eventually all came to a halt and you were all seated in the chairs placed in front of you.

Luckily the person leading the event gave you all a few seconds to gather yourselves just before answering questions. Once again, she reiterated the rules and even added a little bit about making sure that their questions were strictly related to the documentary and not of personal nature. When she was done reading the rules, the event began.

“This question is for Y/N. Is there a particular point in the documentary that you want the audience to pay close attention to? Or really just a general takeaway that you want to make clear?”

“I don’t want to give too much away, but there is a beach scene in Jennie’s episode that really captures the main idea or purpose behind this whole project. Which was to show you that as much as the life of a “celebrity” is idealized, there are also a lot of harsh realities and downsides that a lot of people don’t notice. You will see that they [Blackpink] all work incredibly hard, sometimes to the point of it being unhealthy. But at the end of it, if you [audience] were paying attention… you would see that as a result of going through the good and the bad, that they are in a way, like sisters.”

Satisfied with your answer, the reporter sat down and another one was picked.

“This question is for the members of Blackpink. Since the beginning, it has been said that you each have an individual episode that focuses on you as individuals followed by a final episode that focuses on you as a group. That being said, did you guys have a personal favourite among all the episodes? Is it your own possibly?”

Jisoo: I like the episode where it focuses on all of us. Well it might be true that there is a lot of content centred around us as a group, Y/N was able to capture us in a whole different light.

Jennie: I would have to agree with Jisoo. There have been plenty of things that have been released, but this documentary is nothing like we have done before.

Rosé: I would have to agree with Jisoo and Jennie. My favourite episode is the last one. It is best when we can all stay together.

Lisa: I like the one about me. No, I’m kidding, I like the last one as well. Y/N did a great job of showing our dynamic as a group.

The media laughed at Lisa’s joke and seeing how she was normally, it probably wouldn’t be the last one either.

The next reporter to be chosen was a woman. With her notes and pen in hand, she asked, “This question is for Y/N. What is one thing you are most proud of now having finished with this documentary?”

“I would say that I am most proud of how well the whole thing turned out, considering the nature of this industry as well as it being my first time taking on a project of this size. If you look back at all my previous work, they’re documentaries that are no longer than three-hours long. Whereas this one is just short of five hours. So obviously you could imagine there were concerns about keeping the audience engaged throughout the whole thing. But I will say, having watched it over and over again, I couldn’t have been more wrong, and I hope that you all enjoy watching it.”

No more than a few minutes after answering, yet another reporter was chosen. They had a badge around their neck that had ET written on it in big letters. While adjusting your mic, in the corner of your eye you saw Jennie fiddling with her hands underneath the table and her leg bouncing up and down. She seemed oddly nervous.

“Are you okay?” you whispered away from the mic.

But she didn’t get to answer as the reporter began to read their question. You didn’t take your eyes off of Jennie until the reporter mentioned that the question was for you. Hearing your name over the loudspeakers that hung above you reverted your attention back to the reporter in the crowd. Since you were unable to console her, without looking over at her, you blindly placed your right hand over hers. Instantly, her fingers clasped around your hand, and her leg stopped bouncing up and down.

“A month ago in a vague statement released by Universal, they cited that an accident involving one of their directors, which was assumed to be you, was the cause for the delay of the documentary. There were very few news reports and even some speculation on the legitimacy of that statement. Some even went as far as to report that the delay was actually due to the project not being finished on time. Can you clear all that up today by speaking on all that happened? Can you talk about the accident?”

This was the exact reason why Lex wanted to prepare you the night before. No matter how many rules were set in place, the media could easily just ignore those and ask whatever they wanted. It was messed up, but you quickly found out the hard way that that was the nature of this industry. The media, a bunch of piranhas, while you were the bait.

You sucked in a deep breath and tried to recall the statement that Lex drilled into your head. And for the most part, you stuck to it, but with the blatant disrespect for your privacy, you added just a little bit more to your answer.

“For logistical reasons as well as the fact that my recovery depends so much on not rehashing those details, I refuse to speak about the accident. What I will make clear though, is that the release was most definitely not due to falling behind on schedule. In fact, I will say that those rumours are actually quite insulting to the people who have worked hard on this project alongside myself. It’s very easy to make judgements, but what you guys certainly don’t see on the outside looking in, were the countless hours and immense amount of stress that was put on the employees that work either for me or for Universal when we were forced to delay. So if there is anyone to blame, I would ask that you blame me and not the people I work with. If it weren’t for them, we would not be here at all.”

After the last few words left your mouth, the reporter that initially asked the question, sat down in their seat clearly defeated in their intent to throw you off. 1-0, Y/N. The next few questions that were asked were for the members which you were thankful for as it gave you the time to rest and drink some water. Being nervous, combined with being under all the bright lights not only caused you to sweat but also made your throat feel like it was made of sandpaper.

When it came to the last question, every reporter in the stands before you threw their hands up in a rush to be picked. However, a young-looking reporter who remained seated at the very front was chosen. His question was for you, and by the tremor in his hand as well as the stuttering in his voice, you could tell that he was nervous.

“What do you plan to do now that this documentary is over? Did you have another project lined up? If so, could you offer us some details or any hints in advance? Thank you.”

You smiled at his ‘thank you.’ Out of everyone that asked a question today, none of them said those words, and so you appreciated it. To repay his small, yet still kind and meaningful gesture, you thought about repaying him with an answer that would surely be worthy of a few clicks on whatever article he would later be in charge of writing. Unsure of what you were going to say, you pushed back on your mic and sat back in your chair, taking a few minutes to look all around the room.

Before you were the eager and hungry-looking press. Off to the side was Lex, who had a mix of both a worrisome and a questioning look on her face. Beside you to your left was Rosé and Lisa, who gave you reassuring smiles to which you gave back. And then to your right, both Jennie and Jisoo.

When your eyes locked with Jennie’s, she smiled back at you, and you knew then exactly how to answer the question.

With your head turned away from the media and your hand shielding your lips, you asked Jennie, “a month you said?”

“What?” she asked, looking unsure if you were asking her.

You smiled and let out a small laugh, “last I checked it was me with the memory issue... Yesterday you said that you only needed a month to make me fall for you again. Is that all you need?”

“Yes. Why?”

“Just watch.”

After clearing your throat, you smiled and pulled the mic back closer toward your body. “Over these last few years, I have been so fortunate to have landed a career doing the one thing that I only ever saw as a hobby, and in a field that I could have only dreamt of being a part of. For the last eight years in a row I have filmed the lives of others, and greatly enjoyed the things I’ve been able to experience as well as the people I have met along the way. But somewhere in those last few years I found myself starting to dislike– and even resent the idea of having to film. That being said, I have decided to take a break. I do not have any other projects lined up, and even if I did I would decline the offer. As for your question on what I plan to do next, for the next month I have decided to stay alongside this one right here and follow through with whatever she has planned for us. For now, consider me retired. I am done with living my life through a lens.”

Just as you were done with answering, the media in the room went crazy. They were shouting for further clarification, but the event was over and you were already being escorted off the stage along with the rest of the members. For the first time in a long time, you felt the pressure on your chest begin to subside and the heavy weight you carried on your shoulders lifted off.

#blackpink imagines #blackpink rosé #jisoo #jennie kim #lalisa manoban #blackpink scenarios

[echo-bleu]

Muffled Screams

@lire-casander, happy birthday!! I hope you had an amazing day. I really meant to post this early enough for you to actually see it today, but I’ve only got a minute to spare till midnight, so that’s a bust :D I still hope you like it!

This is set sometime after season 1, ignoring season 2 (domestic Malex with emotional h/c and fluff).

Michael wakes up with a start, to the sound of muffled screams. He sighs internally, forbidding himself from turning in bed to face Alex. It's the second time this night, and it's not even four yet. He stays very still until Alex's panting subsides, giving him a minute to compose himself before he yawns and stretches, finally turning.

“Hey,” he murmurs, seeing Alex's open eyes staring at him. “You're awake.”

“So are you,” Alex points out. For a moment, Michael wonders if he's betrayed himself, but Alex just runs a hand down his bare shoulder. “It's early. You should go back to sleep.”

Michael nods, slowly. He almost wants to say something, to tell Alex that he knows what woke him up, but he doesn't.

He is lost. He's been living with Alex for almost eight weeks now, and things have been going surprisingly well. He half expected to have trouble adjusting, after years of being on his own in his trailer, or that Alex would feel crowded, or that they would have the same trouble communicating that have held them back for so long, but none of that happened.

That's not to say that it has been easy. Alex maintains a strict schedule even on his days off that clashes with Michael's need to sleep in. Michael is about as far from domestic as anyone could be, and neither of them can really cook. Suddenly being squished together in the same house, after so many years apart, has been difficult in many way, and not the least because they both agreed not to allow themselves to fall into bed instead of talking about things. Which they haven't been all that successful at.

But globally, it's going great. There has been no talk of taking a step back, of Michael going back to his trailer even for a few nights, though he made it clear that he's ready to do so. He knows Alex probably wouldn't ask him to leave even if he needed him to, at least not frontally, but he hasn't been getting this kind of vibe from him at all.

There's just one bump in the road.

Michael doesn't know exactly why he keeps pushing back the moment when they'll have to address it. He wants to give Alex time, and space to deal with this, he tells himself. The first few nights, Michael freaked out when he woke up to Alex's screams, and Alex seemed more shaken by his panic than by his own nightmares. Nightmares that left him terrified and panting, and rarely let him go back to sleep.

After the third night, Alex stopped screaming and started biting his pillow. It still woke Michael up, but that's when he started to pretend to sleep, instead of making Alex feel guilty. He always meant to address it at some point, when they were both awake and in a good mental place during the day, but he never found the right moment. And now it has gone from once a night to twice or three times, and Michael can't take it anymore.

Either Alex's PTSD is somehow getting worse, or Michael's presence is keeping him from using whatever coping mechanism he needs. Michael needs to talk to him.

He just dreads the moment so much. The way Alex looked at him after waking him up those first nights, that haunted, horrified gaze, he never wants to see that on Alex's face again.

He'll talk to Alex today, he decides. It's Sunday, they have nowhere to be, and all Michael has planned is repairing the leak in the gutter behind the house. There's no rain on the forecast for at least a week, so it can wait if needed.

Michael turns around in bed and drapes an arm around Alex, casually. Alex is still rigid with tension, his skin clammy. Michael doesn't show him that he's noticed, and he yawns, closing his eyes.

*

Alex is already up when Michael wakes up again. Michael pats the bed to find his side cold, though it's only six. Alex isn't the kind to sleep in, ever. Michael found that out when he moved in.

Getting up sleepily, wearing only a pair of boxers, Michael runs a hand through his hair and walks out of the bedroom, and into Alex's office next door. Alex is sitting on a small bench in the corner he's set up for his daily physical therapy, his crutches propped up on the wall behind him.

“Morning! I was ready to go shower, but you can go first if you want,” he tells Michael, far too enthusiastically for this time of the day.

“No,” Michael yawns. “Need coffee first.”

“Let me,” Alex says, standing up and grabbing one crutch. He hops over to the kitchen, on the other side of the corridor, to fill what's become Michael's mug with coffee. Accepting it, Michael wonders how he can be so cheerful early in the morning with how badly he seems to sleep.

“Thank you,” he nods, yawning again.

He busies himself with making breakfast while Alex is in the shower. Alex comes back out a while later, with a towel around him and nothing else, to get dressed and put on his prosthesis. Michael can't help staring.

“You see something you like?” Alex asks, amused.

They've been going slow in that department, too, but not so slow that they've been chaste while sleeping in the same bed for two months.

Michael puts their plates on the kitchen table and sits down. “Yes,” he tells Alex, watching him put on clothes through the open door of their bedroom. “But you got up far too early again, so no morning sex for you.”

“We could go back to bed,” Alex offers.

“Maybe later,” Michael says. He takes a deep breath. “I, uh, I want to talk to you about something.”

He should have waited until Alex was here with him, because Alex visibly tenses in the middle of putting on socks, sitting on the bed. “What is it?” Alex asks cautiously.

“Over breakfast. Finish what you're doing first.”

But it's certainly a mood killer. Alex slips on his pants as fast a he can, and comes out of the bedroom barefoot, even though Michael knows he hates walking directly on his prosthesis.

“Tell me,” he demands, sitting down across from Michael. He doesn't even look at the food.

“You're still having nightmares,” Michael says.

Alex closes off immediately. Michael knew this conversation wouldn't be smooth, but he really hoped to avoid an all-out fight. “I'm not criticizing you or complaining,” he clarifies. “On the contrary. But I'm worried.”

Once again, it's the wrong thing to say. Alex grits his teeth looks away, staring through the window. “I'm sorry for waking you up,” he says.

“No, no, this isn't about that. I want to help, Alex. I want to wake up for you. I want to hold you and comfort you. I just want you to talk to me.”

Alex works his jaw for a moment. His eyes dart around−Michael clocks the brief stop on the fridge, where Alex has pinned up his therapist's anxiety checklist−and he takes a breath. “Okay,” he says. “But I don't think I can do it right now.” He pauses and licks his lips. “I need to think about it, and I need to be more rested so I don't get automatically defensive.”

Michael feels a rush of pride at Alex, clearly communicating his needs instead of clamming up, so strong that he nearly tears up. It's the hard work in therapy paying up. “I'll be there when you're ready,” he says.

Alex manages a small smile. “Thank you.”

*

Michael purposefully gives Alex some space all morning, by fixing the leaking gutter on his own. It's done faster than he counted on, so he goes ahead and cleans the whole gutter at well, going around the house with his ladder. He can't use his powers here, not more than a touch of them when he feels the ladder move under him, so he does everything by hand. It feels good, keeps him from worrying about the conversation to come.

It's almost lunch time when he finishes. He carefully puts his ladder and his tools away−a concession to Alex's tidiness, because Michael is more of an organized-chaos kind of person. As he goes to wash his hands in the bathroom, he expects to find Alex either at his desk or at the piano with his headphones on, but he's not there. Instead, his laptop is gone. Michael frowns and dries his hands.

The bedroom door is ajar, and sure enough, Alex is on the bed, his laptop beside him. Only he's not using it. Alex is curled up on his side, his head on his arm, like sleep came over him suddenly. His leg is in its usual spot by his nightstand, but he hasn't bothered to pin his pant leg up, so he didn't expect to stay without for long. One earbud is still in his right ear, while the other has fallen on the bed. Michael's heart melts at how adorable Alex looks in his sleep.

“'chael?” Alex asks, stirring. Of course. Michael has yet to manage to sneak up on him, whether Alex is awake or not.

“I'm here,” Michael says. “Want some lunch?”

Alex sits up and rubs at his eyes. “Um, sure. Sorry, I fell asleep.”

“You needed it,” Michael smiles. Alex yawns and nods, still looking embarrassed. “Want to cuddle for a bit before I start cooking?”

Alex tilts his head and gives him a small nod, looking strangely vulnerable. Michael kicks off his shoes−he really should have done that at the door−and lies down beside him, setting the laptop aside. Alex snuggles closer and sighs.

“I get scared of falling asleep,” he murmurs. “The nightmares, they just won't stop.”

“Do you want to tell me what's in them?” Michael asks.

“It's not always the same thing. I have plenty of trauma to fuel them. Usually explosions. Sometimes my father. Sometimes you.”

“Me?” Michael frowns. Something like dread settles in his stomach.

“Usually you dying, in Caulfield. I never get you out in time. I'd almost...I'd almost gotten rid of the nightmares, before we went there. Not completely, but they weren't as bad anymore, I knew what to do with them. I don't know if it's the explosion that triggered them, or nearly losing you, or−” he trails off, lost.

Michael closes his eyes in dismay.

“I know you have nightmares of it too,” Alex says. “You lost so much that day. I keep thinking that I made a rookie mistake, going there without proper recon, and it cost you so much.”

“Alex, it wasn't your fault!” Michael exclaims, horrified. He had no idea Alex even felt that way.

“I didn't want to burden you with my guilt,” Alex sighs, as if he hasn't even heard him. “You have enough on your shoulder, and it's selfish of me. But...in the other dreams, you decide that you've had enough of me, or you blame me for my family, or−you leave, every time. And then you die, and it's always because of me.” Alex presses his face against his pillow, a few tears escaping his eyes.

“I didn't want you to know,” he continues. “I guess my brain is just...waiting for the other shoe to drop. For you to realize that I'm not worth it.”

“Alex, look at me.” Michael gently slips a hand on Alex's shoulder and squeezes. “I will never think that. Maybe we'll fight, probably, it might get rocky at times, but I will never thing you're not worth it. I didn't once, in the ten years you were gone. Why would I start now?”

“Because I think I'm not worth it?” Alex offers.

“Well you're wrong. I'm here to stay, okay? You are worth everything to me.”

Michael's hand hasn't left Alex shoulder. Alex makes a little sound, midway between a sob and a whimper, and brings their forehead together. “I love you,” he murmurs. “I want to be the person you deserve.”

“You already are. You're already far more than I deserve, Alex. All I want is you, okay. You, as you are. Not some perfect, dream version, you.”

“Okay,” Alex murmurs. “I want you, too. Just you.”

“Will you let me hold you, next time you have a nightmare?” Michael asks, pushing a little because it feels right. “Show you that I'm not going anywhere?”

Alex swallows. “I'll try,” he says. “It's not…sometimes touch doesn't feel right, when it's bad. But I'll try.”

“I don't have to touch you. Just let me be there for you.”

“Okay,” Alex whispers.

Michael runs a finger down Alex's face, slowly. He thinks about getting up to cook, but he feels exhausted. Emotional conversations take a lot out of him. So he doesn't move, cuddling with Alex like he dreamed for ten years he'd get to do one day. He's not going anywhere.

He has everything he wants right here.

#roswell new mexico #alex manes #michael guerin #malex #malex fic #gift #lire-casander #mine #echo's fanfiction #roswell nm

[maladaptive-ninja-returns]

It’s The Avengers (03x04)

Loki x Reader Avengers The Office AU (Slowwwwww Burn)

Season 3 Episode 04: She Who Seduces

Series Summary: Living in the Avengers facility post-apocalypse in a better timeline   Tony Stark has decided to capture every moment by pulling The Office on the Avengers. All of housemates are pretty used to the idea except for you, who had just come here to finish her degree, and the newest member- Loki.

Warnings: wow! lots of stuff you guys want but at the same time aren’t gettin’ any

Word Count: It’s a weird feeling to be tagged as an essential worker, but not be made to feel like an essential worker? I mean I feel I’m not one. But if I am being forced out of my house, being exposed to the possibility of catching the virus, being ignored by corporate, media and the govt as humans, I have to wonder why am I even sitting here. I get the doctors and nurses and no amount of verbal praise can even come close to what they are doing right now. But if me and my colleagues have be ignored and made to work at large, I’d rather we do it from the safety of our homes, man. (Just when I had started to get better on my own)

MASTERLIST in bio, darlings. Tags are open (check bio)

The camera focused on a blue egg the colour of sky lying in the dirt, zooming in on it a little before jolting back as the egg moved. The camera did the entire cycle once again before a fluff hand tried to smack that egg like a cat curious about this unexplained cute atrocity in front of them.

“Lulu!” a voice called from somewhere in the distance in the midst of a mixture of all sorts of noises- like the ones experienced in your neighbourhood local market. But the camera did not budge till it recorded the sky egg crack bit by bit before a pair of blue eyes popped out on a little white head. Those gorgeous cute eyes looked at the camera, blinking out of coordination before looking at the little golden fuzzy arm slowly coming towards its head. Blinking again- this time with curiosity- the blue eyes froze on that snail-paced extension of a husk behind the camera before a tiny void opened under those innocent eyes to take that husk arm into it and bite down with an audible crunch.

Javier’s camera swiftly turned to Lulu’s cries, finding him far behind in the crowd of aliens trying to knock something away from his arm.

The little husk- screaming and howling like a little dog in pain- was rescued by pale fingers catching hold of the round head that was too stubborn to let go. A little squeeze and those surprisingly vicious teeth let go, breaking the remnants of the eggshells to let out white paws attached to the tiniest legs.

“Scram,” Loki ordered the white alien- who ran away as quickly as possible- before turning towards Lulu, “what were you trying to do with that beast? Have it for breakfast?”

Lulu chirped, nodding before slumping a little into the ground.

“Yeah, good luck with that while you’re in Y/N’s care,” he stated, getting and turning to look at the judgmental zoom Javier’s camera threw on him. “What. You want her to keep another alien as a pet?”

“Guys, I found a restaurant,” your voice called out of the frame, making Loki look in your direction, “OH MY GOD YOU GUYS! THERE ARE REAL LIFE SAILOR SOLDIERS IN HERE!!”

Loki looked at the camera, ageing a thousand years more. “Please tell me it’s not one of those mangas she keeps talking about.”

When Javier spelt it out for him from behind the camera, Loki’s eyes closed and he let out the heaviest sigh he possibly could

Loki: *with a very serious face* the prospect of me having died before being teleported here does not seem so bad. It looks fantastic now. *camera zooms in on his face while you scream in delight in the background, “I’m sitting with real-life Sailor Soldiers!! Aaaahhhh-”*

 The Lounge

"Where's Stark?"

One camera panned in on Bucky's face as he came out of the dorm with bed hair while the other looked at a mildly surprised Scott drinking orange juice from a crystal wine glass.

"He said he'll come in twenty. He's gone for his weekly therapy session," Scott replied, swirling the juice in his glass with his pinky out while observing Bucky from head to toe. "You should try that sometimes. It's really good."

Bucky sat down on the sofa with a stare filled with judgemental questions in Scott's direction. "Me? Therapy? That stuff's for looneys."

Scott furrowed his brows at Bucky, pause all moments for a second before bringing the glass ever so slowly to his lips. "Okay, Boomer."

"What?"

"What?"

Bucky: I don’t need therapy. *mocks a laugh* Shuri made me better than ever in Wakanda. All I need is exercise, healthy food in my stomach and a good amount of sleep. *nods in satisfaction*

*camera zooms out to reveal Scott sitting next to him, shaking his head lightly in mild disbelief*

Scott: *softly* Now I know where that attitude in this present world comes from.

Bucky: *turns to look at Scott* *shifts uncomfortably in his seat while shifting his gaze between the camera and Scott*

*silence erodes the room before Bucky finally breaks*

Why are you looking at me like that? I haven’t killed anyone recently.

Scott: *furrows brows in confusion* what?

Bucky: *stops mid-way and looks away from Scott towards the camera* Nothing

Scott: I never said about killing anyone. *pitch grows higher with every word* Bucky, I never said about killing anyone. Bucky, did you kill someone?

Bucky: *shakes his head with disinterest* mm-mm.

Scott: *mouth opens wide in disbelief* *hands go into his hair on his head* OH MY GOD YOU KILLED SOMEONE!!!

Bucky: NO! I DID N-

Fifteen Minutes Later

Bucky: *softly* So I’ve decided after...a lot of thinking that I should go talk to a...a therapist.

Scott: *nods and smiles at the camera like an encouraging wife*

Bucky: *gives a forceful smile*

Scott: And I too will be going to see a therapist.

Bucky: *nods* *presses lips*

Bucky and Scott: *look at the door, forcing the camera to turn and land on a somewhat irritated Natasha glaring at them from outside the door with arms crossed across her chest*

 Back In The Lounge

Wanda walked into the living room space where Bruce was working on some calculations on his laptop while another camera discreetly caught Bucky and Scott giving each other the stink eye.

"You should take a break, Bruce," Wanda stressed while placing a mug of hot tea on his table. Bruce half-looked at the mug before turning back to it, pulling it close and smelling it. "Since when do we drink so much tea?"

Wanda shrugged. "Since Loki and Y/N came into our lives?" She was unsure but that's what all things pointed at. Bruce went with it too.

He rubbed his eyes and shut his laptop. "Yeah, I guess we can take a break." He yawns and gets up. "Loki seems to have everything under control anyway, so…"

Wanda seemed to wince very quietly, her expressions showing no surety in Bruce’s words; or a reflection of an upset stomach.

“I mean, Y/N is being a levelheaded person too. It’s not all Loki.”

A scoff came from the other side of the room where Bucky stood, all eyes and camera turning to stare at him, his crumbling confident posture trying to display reason. “I mean...she hasn’t been to space before. She does not know what’s out there as well as Loki.”

“So, what you are trying to say is she won’t be able to survive if it wasn’t for Loki?” Scott stretched his words to make sure Bucky heard every single one of them.

“Of course she wouldn’t survive out there. She is a kid.” A very sweaty Clint walked into the lounge and went straight for the orange juice inside the fridge. The camera caught the muted gasps coming out of Wanda and Scott for the men in the room not having much faith in your survival skills.

“So are you,” a very sweaty Natasha acknowledged Clint’s words as she grabbed the juice bottle from Clint’s hand, “but you survived the Infinity War without your family. Oh, wait. You didn’t really survive. You just turned into a whiny little bitch and started killing the first thing you saw.”

Wanda looked at the camera with her eyes wide and her lips pressed tightly to stop her from screaming at the burn. Bruce, on the other hand, whispered ‘oh shit’ and tried to disappear in his mug. Scott sipped his juice like the best tea he had been served in a long time, all the while smirking like a content goofball.

“That was so below the belt, Nat,” Clint protested, his hands resting on his hips as he watched her gulp down half the bottle of juice before handing Clint the rest and smacking her lips in satisfaction. “Y/N is in outer space with a frost giant. And so is Javier. But I don’t hear any of you mention him in this conversation when it comes to surviving on one's own?”

“Javier is a-”

Bruce paused before finishing his sentence as he realised the error of his words right before they came out. “Nice guy?” He finally breathed out, his lungs not being able to take the torture. “He is also in danger, of course. That is a given. I was in danger too when I was stuck in space. Thor can vouch for me.”

Thor: *standing on a cliff while the Asgardians celebrate in the background around a fire* *yells over the sound of waves crashing in on the rocks below* BRUCE WAS SO MUCH FUN ON SAKAAR! WE HAD DRINKS AND DANCES AND SO MANY GIRLS OGLING AT HIM! OF COURSE, THAT WAS WHEN HE WAS THE HULK. WHEN HE WAS BACK TO BEING A BORING OLD SCIENTIST ALL HE SPOKE WAS OF HIS PHDS AND HIS HOW MUCH THIS ONE GUY HERE WAS ALL OVER HIM! I THINK HE LIKED IT. HIM! HE LIKED HIM. IF THIS IDIOT WASN’T STUCK ON BORING OLD NAT THEN I WAS BETTING ON THEM DOIN’ IT. YEAH!!! *pauses and smiles his widest smile* *blinks into an invisible void in the distance* PLEASE DON’T TELL NATASHA  I CALLED HER BORING. OR-OR OLD.

Bruce gulped where he sat. “Maybe he can’t vouch for me. He was too trippy throughout his trip to space anyways. Maybe the lack of oxygen did it to him.”

The silence grew uncomfortable by the second as he exchanged a look with a camera while Clint just shook his head and let out a defeated “dude”.

 Space Place

“Hey, where’s Loki?” you asked Javier while Lulu climbed up the bar stool in the small inn right by the farmer’s market that you had just passed. “Right behind you?” you looked past Javier before walking towards the way he had come- “but he’s not he-”

Your words were cut short by something you saw from the window, forcing the camera to shift on seeing the concern cloud your face towards the scene outside the window. Outside, four buffed up aliens stood surrounding Loki while he raised his hands a little like a white flag.

Instinct took over and you stepped out of the inn but stopped on the porch as Loki yelled, “No! Do not come any closer!” without making eye contact.

One of the buff guys did step closer, his face breathing down right into Loki’s. And Loki? He chuckled at the alien. “One more inch and I think we’ll be kissing, Kronk.”

Kronk the big boulder looking guy hissed at him. “You stepped on the wrong planet, Silvertongue. Hudon wants your head or your body. And he will make sure you pay up your dues.”

Loki tried to increase the distance between him and Kronk, moving back a little; enough to stop smelling his breath on him. “Wow. Looks like someone had a lot of raw Siluji fish today. Hehe. And I thought Hudon was on Myscul. Anyways. How about I talk to Hudon and offer him something that he cannot refuse. And both of us can get back to our respective business.” No matter how much he smiled, Loki did not seem to be getting through that guy.

“Hudon does not want to talk to you. He knows how you work, trickster. He will cut his ears off before he listens to you.”

Loki wanted to contradict the guy but shut his lips to be on the better side of this guy. “Okay. Fine. I will meet him in two hours then? I’ll even bring some good sushi for you.” Loki started to walk away from them when one of Kronk’s men caught hold of him and slapped black handcuffs onto his wrists. 

“You are coming with us, traitor.”

The camera recorded Loki being dragged away in broad daylight while no one even batted an eye at the incident. You walked to the end of the porch- the end close enough to watch Loki being taken away as his brows reflected concern in your direction before disappearing behind the nearest stall of berries.

“Javi,” you uttered softly, your eyes still looking for Loki, “I think Loki’s in trouble. Oh, God. I think we are in trouble.”

 The Foreigner’s Inn

The camera settled on the window sill and a pair of hands moved away to reveal Javier sitting back in the seat of the corner table far away from the bustle of the inn. You sat opposite him, nervously biting your nails and moving your leg under the table while Lulu sat right in the middle, facing the camera, drinking some green concoction you bought him with a few talons from the ones Loki handed you once you had landed on this planet. Javier’s blue eyes scrutinised the place before coming back to you. He tapped your hand for attention before signing something.

“Yeah,” you acknowledged with a nod, “a plan. We need to come up with a plan to save Loki. But we don’t know where they took him. Oh, shi-should we have followed them? Ah fuck! Now, we won’t know where they went. Maybe we should ask someone. But we don’t know what kind of guy Hudon is. What if he’s got eyes everywhere? Then if we ask someone about him, we’ll be the ones walking right into the lion’s den. And we’ll be the ones who will need saving. Okay okay okay okay okay okay. Right right right right right right.”

Javier knocked the table to get your spiralling conscience back to him, directing you to stop, breathe in and breathe out. And you did, pausing for a moment before things got worse in your head. “Right. We need to think this with a clear head. Um...what would Mr Stark tell us to do.”

With your back straight you looked right at Javier. “He would say stop, take a breather. Make sure that you are safe first. It’s fine to worry about Loki but he is a great strategist. He will definitely find a way out of trouble. But that does not mean we do not go look for him. No one gets left behind. Not even that ugly gourd. Help is always around. All you need to do is ask. And never forget that I love you no matter what. Now go save that son of a bitch.”

Javier stared blankly for a second before breaking into silent applause. “So, we need to find something or someone that can give information about that guy holding Loki. Where can we get someone who would know that and help us, complete strangers?”

Lulu, who, all this time had been swinging his bushy bottom from the chair, suddenly stopped, put the drink from his hand on the table and pressed his belly with a click.

[Hippie Sabotage’s Righteous starts playing]

Lulu got down from his chair and moved towards the door of the inn. You called after him but he did not stop and so you and Javier followed with the camera.

Lulu’s camera took in the boots stepping into the inn first. Then the ripped pants, going up to the open shirt revealing perfect abs. Then came those familiar faces carrying their smouldering looks with them still.

Javi’s camera recorded your expression of surprise followed by a hint of something schemy going on in those eyes. A smile was all that you gave them though. “Never thought I would see you guys again.”

The camera swerved to the rainbow k-pop donning shades that were being taken off as slowly as possible. White turned to look at you, the smoulder still holding strong on his face. “And leave you to fend for yourself, princess. Not on my watch.”

You: Yeah *mildly disgusted* I forgot how clingy he is.

“I need your help.”

Sky jumped where he stood and clapped his hand before slipping behind Mauve and blushing.

“Loki’s in trouble. I need to help him es-”

“Say no more,” White whispered while bringing his pale finger on your lips, which you smacked away. “But before we go on the adventure together, my beautiful princess, I urge you to imagine going on another adventure. Just you. And me. And planets with no one but us.”

“And me,” came a faint whisper from behind Mauve.

“Oh, my G-is there anyone of you who is a normal one?”

“I don’t know about normal,” Green came forward and tucked at the edges of his shirt, “but I can take him away from you and help you save your…”

You waited for him to finish his sentence.

“Boyfriend?” he sounded as unsure as the uneasy lines on his face. Before you could say anything to contradict him, White gasped and Sky whimpered. “Boyfriend! He is your boyfriend?! Oh my stars,” White cried, “what are the odds that fate made us meet when you were already someone else’s.”

You stood there, blinking, questioning whether it would be a good decision to tell him the truth. “So, because I have a boyfriend, you will stop pursuing me?”

Sky sniffled, White sighed in defeat and Orange clicked his tongue at the lost opportunity. “I am a creature of code. I would never even think pretty thoughts about someone else’s queen,” he assured with a weak vibration in his voice.

“Cool,” you exclaimed, “Loki is my boyfriend! And I am Y/N, hi. And you are…”

“Call us whatever you like,” Green replied with a smile. “We don’t have names. Just voice notes as a way of identification. Now, let’s get to work.”

“Oh my God,” Mauve groaned audibly and rolled his eyes under those shades, “finally. She definitely needs that work.”

You and the cameras looked at you, wondering what was so wrong to have blunt judgement thrown at you out of nowhere. “Why would I need work?”

Green gestured to you to move up the stairs of the inn with them. “You mentioned Loki being captured by the alien named Hudon.”

“Never mentioned that.”

“He is a classic brute,” Green continued, like he never heard you, as you walked next to him while Lulu got himself lifted into your arms, “who owns all the brothels of this base. He trades in creatures who can exploit their own bodies for what he pays them. The fact that Loki was taken away by his men points at the possibility of trade between them gone wrong.”

You gasped at the sudden revelation that was dawning upon you. “Wait. So, that could mean he wants payback from Loki. Does he want payback in...in cash or...in kind?”

Green’s eyes reflected sympathy for your situation. “Let’s hope, for you and Loki, that it is cash.”

“But wouldn’t that mean he has to sell his body?!”

Green nodded. Lulu’s camera caught White murmuring to Violet, “do you think that furry thing is their child?”

“We have something that might help you. And for that-” he stopped in front of a door of one room at the far end of the corridor, twisting the knob and clicking it open for you to enter- “we would need your help.”

“Okay,” you nodded before confusion took over your face and Lulu purred while rubbing against your shoulder, “what kind of help.”

Mauve sighed loudly, pushing you away- gently- to enter the room first. “We would need your help to do something about the drab that you humans call fashion on your planet,” he nearly puked while looking at your clothes.

“Hey! This shirt is really comfortable. So are these leggings and boots!”

Mauve screwed his face at you. “Oh, they better be! Because that hue-combination is a disaster,” he stressed.

You felt your head go back a little. "Just because I don't have much interest in fashion, I'm gonna let that pass. But I am pretty sure the Queer Eye won't stand for that insult."

"The Queer Eye would've made you into a walking weapon had they been in your vicinity darling," Mauve mentioned matter-of-factly and walked towards the lone dresser and dragged out the chair before tapping it. "Now sit your ass down and let me show you how it's done while Mr Green fills you in about everything."

You looked at Green. He nodded jovially. White on the other hand went and plopped on the bed. Violet went and splayed himself on the sofa, Red went for the window sill to go and brood there. Sky took the foot of the bed and made himself comfortable to look at you for the next two hours. Orange took off his shirt and trousers and went into the bathroom.

"Hey, Lulu," White called out from the bed, "put on a sexy getting-ready song."

Lulu got up on the dresser and pressed his stomach to play Rachel Bloom’s Sexy Getting Ready Song.

“Wait. Hold on,” you called out, making Mauve and Green stop in their tracks and Lulu pausing the song, “I...I gotta poop. Please get that orange pervert out of there?”

 Hudon’s Whorehouse

A hush, beginning from the entrance, fell as the eyes followed the figure. A sweet yet strong melody seemed to follow that black-clad creature, stirring both fear and excitement in the witnesses; who completely missed the two companions walking on its either side.

Never feel too good in crowds With folks around when they're playing

The clack of those pointed heels seemed to be a pound at the doors of the devil himself and every minion that walked in the path she walked, only stopping in the room fit for a queen; nothing less. A seat was taken on the gold-framed sofa, legs spread in comfort and defiance of the one in charge, arms rested on the armrest while popping a grape in the mouth with lips painted red as the blood that flowed in her veins.

A creature with the body of a human- except for the extra pair of hands- and the head of a furry with antlers entered the hall, sitting opposite you. “Welcome to the house of Hudon!” he greeted, the gold on his antlers jingling like bells on Rudolph, “the finest whorehouse you would find in this system.”

“I will evaluate the ‘fine’ myself, Hudon,” you stated quite indifferently, your attention taken by a golden strawberry resting in your fingers, “how old is this rotten blasphemy.”

The anthems of rape, culture loud Crude and proud creatures baying

It was easy to get that accent on your tongue. The tone was smooth enough to show not much effort was being put to talk while the words were spoken like a dagger stabbing the listener with every breath.”

Hudon directed his men to take those old fruits away and to replace them with new ones. But you had already lost interest in them. Sitting straight up, you let your arms go back on the headrest, your suit jacket revealing the skin underneath, the acne on your chest from the sweat and dust revealing itself in full glory. Hudon nearly feels himself blackout with the sheer audacity of a human woman walk into his house and sit there as a client while making him- the one who runs the sex business- make him feel things that were quite transparent in his gaze.

All I've ever done is hide From our times when you're near me

“Here I am, out on a vacation from my boring home, looking for some fun and adventure when someone suggests to me your name and business,” you mutter loud enough for him to hear. “Hudon the hoarder. The one who has everything you can ask for. Anything out of your fantasy. You name it, he has it for you.”

“I do,” he agreed with a smile, interrupted just as he is about to start listing his merchandise.

“Oh, but I don’t think you do, Hudon.” You leaned forward, your legs still spread apart in those black trousers, your frame bent enough to reveal more and still reveal nothing at all, making Hudon’s eyes linger there far longer than he expected them to. “I don’t think you do. What could you possibly have that could seem human enough for my taste and yet not human at all, Hudon? What could you possibly have that could meet my demands, unlike the men on my planet? One who is not meant to be ruled and yet-” your voice turned to a whisper, and Hudon’s eyes were stuck on the hypnotising moment of your lips under that netted veil covering your smokey eyes- “he bends under my commands like a good dog because he knows he will get a treat if he behaves.”

Hudon gulped and blinked.

Honey, when you kill the lights and kiss my eyes I feel like a person for a moment of my life

“I am not here to have some cheap fun, Hudon. Nor some sloppy seconds. I want a challenge that I can smother between my thighs, making him question how he ended up there, under me. And then make him question how he can get under me, again.”

A silence proceeded your laced words. A long lingering silence which would have stretched even more had one of Hudon’s men not brought that shook fur-face back to the present.

“I I I I I think I have the perfect specimen for you, miss…”

“Lady. Lady...Morticia Addams,” you declared, blinking at Javier’s camera.

You: *cringing* I did not think this part through. But I did come up with a nice personality? *does a weak thumbs up*

“I will send for him immediately, Lady Morticia,” Hudon declared, getting and taking a bow, “and if he is not able to satisfy you, I will humbly present myself to you as a sacrifice.”

You: *deadpan* Pervert.

“If your specimen does not satisfy me, then mark my words, Hudon, you won’t find any piece of him in your excuse of a brothel.”

“Yes, ma’am,” he replied with a weak voice, walking out and scolding his guards to get him ‘Silvertongue’.

You noticed the two guards still in the hall by the door, looking at you and your companions. Javier moved from his place by the fireplace to the door, to let the tiny camera- courtesy of the rainbow k-pop- strapped to his chest take in the patient steps of the man of the hour; at the same time, directing with his hands to Lulu to resume his score.

But you don't know what hell you put me through To have someone kiss the skin that crawls from you

Loki, bare-chested and in chains, was walked towards your hall with four guards- two on front and two on back. This was the first time any of the cameras had seen so much of his bare skin. Neither had they seen so many muscles on that body that seemed so lean on the outside with the clothes on. The raven hairs snaked around his shoulders while his eyes were set at the goal in front of him: you. And if you did not know any better you would have thought those peach curtains were flying right and left to get a one-touch, one whiff of that God.

To feel your weight in arms I'd never use It's the god that heroin prays to

You almost choked on the juice you were offered on seeing Loki like that- in just his pants. Like a healthy supermodel straight out of a pin-up hidden in your childhood drawer. Quickly recovering and changing into the persona created for this place you leaned back on the sofa to admire the view when all five men came to a halt in front of you.

It feels good, girl, it feels good It feels good, girl, it feels good

“Hm,” you muttered, your eyes going up and down an apparently tight-jawed Loki, “decent. Where did you catch this fish?”

“Caught him fresh in the market today,” Hudon’s henchman answered, surprisingly in an Australian accent, “owed our master for quite some time. Will finally pay his debts now.”

It feels good, girl, it feels good Oh, to be alone with you

The laugh that came out of the prude was murky. You got up and nonchalantly waved your hand to make the guards stand away from the merch, letting you get a good three-sixty view. Loki could feel your eyes on him even when you stood behind him, carefully studying these marks on an otherwise flawless skin that ran all over his back and some did on arms, right down his wrist.

A wave of emotion washed over you on seeing them, which you hastily veiled for the sharp eyes lurking in the background. Clearing your throat, you took out your silver hair stick from the bun at the back and walked to face the frost giant.

There are questions I can't ask Now, at last, the worst is over

“Sit,”  you commanded.

Loki’s eyes grew dark. The camera recorded the silent change of roles for a quick moment before Loki finally obeyed, getting down on his knees.

See the way you hold yourself Reel against your body's borders

You took a step to his side before looking at the guards still standing there. “What. You want in on the show as well?” Your raised-up brow was judging them hard at this moment.

The guards stood there looking at each other before one of them finally spilt. “We are not allowed to leave him alone with you till you sign the contract and make the payment.”

“Hm. Well, if that is the case-” you took another step to stand right behind Loki- “I will inspect this...merchandise before I make the payment.”

I know that you hate this place Not a trace of me would argue

The hair stick in your hand made its first contact with the bare skin on Loki’s back, promptly making his muscles move underneath that pale skin. A smile found its way to your lips. “Sensitive to touch, I see. I prefer virgin skin.” You dragged stick all the way from one end of those shoulder scales in the back to the other, taking light steps to move towards the front.

The camera zoomed in on the shadow of something brewing inside Loki’s eyes while his lips stretched ever so slightly with a thought only he knew. The stick came to the collar bone, travelling up his neck to land right below his chin, lifting it up to watch your tongue in between your teeth, peeking out for a look.

Honey, we should run away, oh, someday Our baby and her momma And the damaged love she made

“Say, boy,” you asked softly, letting the stick dig into that chin to raise it up further, “what does that mouth do.”

A chuckle rose in Loki’s chest and burst out to close his eyes before they could look at you in a new light. “They do things you wouldn’t want to know.”

But I don't know what else that I would do Than try to kiss the skin that crawls from you

Questioning- or pretending to question- his audacity you responded with a sly ‘uh-huh’ before getting down on one knee, letting both your arms rest on the other. “Well, it better-” your voice grew duskier by the minute while that thin stick landed on his lips, circling them- “do things unspeakable. Otherwise-” you gently pushed the stick in his mouth, and he took it in, wrapping his tongue around it- “what is the point of that pretty pretty mouth.”

Then feel your weight in arms I'd never use It's the god that heroin prays to

Javier could not help but record the drooling and uncomfortable faces of the guards standing by the door, half of them looking at each other, other half stuck on the hypnotic movements happening between the two of you; all of them standing with their hands hiding their bulges in those leather pants.

It feels good, girl, it feels good

“That tongue better work like it is the only thing that can save your life, pretty boy.” The low pitch of your voice was drowning the whole room. Your other knee too went down, allowing them to touch his as you sat down, your back arched and your chest moving closer to his. “It better work fast because I don’t like being made to wait. But it better not rush and ruin it for me either.”

It feels good, girl, it feels good

The stick was still in his mouth with Loki’s lips sucking it good when he looked up at you and gave you a judgmental glare. With a gentle tug to the stick from his mouth, you took it away, down the trail it came from, down the chest, the perfect line between his abs and then somewhere further down where the guards could not see; but that did not mean they could not imagine.

It feels good, girl, it feels good

“Now, let’s see how good your hands work,” you ordered more than questioned, turning to Javier and nodding.

Javier nodded back and Lulu’s camera recorded him walking to the door to close and bolt it. The guards could not suppress their smiles, delighted at the thoughts of what was about to go down.

“You,” you pointed at Hudon’s henchman, gesturing to him to come close, “I want you to help me with these.”

It feels good, girl, it feels good

More than eager to ‘help’ you, he skipped to where you now stood and Loki was still on his knees. “Yes. W-what can I help you with, my lady?”

Oh, to be alone with you

Your hands went down your shirt, into your bra and out came four silver balls the size of peas. “Are you done?”

It feels good, girl, it feels good

The henchman did not understand the question. Then came a click from below and Loki’s voice yelled, “NOW!”

It feels good, girl, it feels good

Oh, to be alone with you

A lot of things happened at the same time. Loki stabbed the man right in his calves while you threw those peas on the air; at the same time you and Javier ducked down to let those peas be attracted to the nearest form of flesh in their linear way, sticking to them to shock the living lights till they could see more galaxies in their vision. 

The henchman yelled in pain, down on his knee, which Loki took advantage of and stabbed him in his shoulder before wrapping his arm around his windpipe long enough to make him lose consciousness. 

You grabbed the other pin from your hair and with its pointy end pointed at the men still struggling with the aftermath of the shock, you stood in defence. “Everyone okay?”

The guards groaned. “I meant everyone I care about okay?”

Javier nodded and Lulu chirped, jumping onto your shoulder. You turned to Loki. “You okay?”

Loki nodded, grabbing the henchman’s gun and tucking it in his pants. “Oh, here.” Loki looked at you unbuttoning your suit jacket. “Woah, what are you-” and stopped when he saw a vest peeking from underneath as the shirt was thrown in his direction. “I am almost jealous of the endless choices of these for women here. Does it fit you?”

“It’s quite loose,” Loki absentmindedly responded while buttoning up, not comprehending that disappointed stare till it was too late. “I meant...it’s...how did you even get all of this stuff?”

“Ah, changing the topic, typical,” you muttered while dragging the guards behind the sofa, “I have friends besides you.”

The suspicion in Loki’s eyes suddenly changed to shock. “What are you doing with them?! I told you to stay away from those...those...Hardy-pop spawns; whatever you called them.”

“A, you never said that. B, I had to do something to help you out. C, get us out of here!”

Loki looked at you, about to speak something when he stopped, the camera panning in to watch the surprise colour his face. “You didn’t plan an escape.”

“Oh, no. I was thinking I should get into the prostitution business myself considering what a fine human specimen I am.”

Loki rolled his eyes and smacked the recuperating guard back into the ground before gesturing Javier to follow him out the door.

“I was also thinking how great it would be to settle down here because all I ever wanted was to live in an alien whorehouse. I mean, Silvertongue what? God of Mischief, who?”

“Fine! We get it,” Loki called out, leading you all straight down the corridor, “though you would have fit perfectly here.”

“Excuse me!”

“Oh I saw that look in your eyes!” Loki spat, “you played the character like it’s in your blood.” Loki pondered walking straight, “Well, Stark’s involved. So wanting to control naturally comes in your blood. But playing a full-blown Dominatrix?” Loki chuckled. “You feisty little witch.”

You pouted at his comment. “A Dominatrix! Coming from the one who used his tongue like a fucking lock pick machine to shape that metal thing into the exact pattern that could open your cuffs,” you uttered under your breath while trying to keep up with him till you ran smack into his back.

The door to the exit was closed as guards surrounded the reception from all four sides, cornering the four of you in the middle.

Lulu wrapped his fluffy arms around your neck, holding tight while his camera took in Hudon’s figure entering right where you had walked through. “I cannot believe I was played by a human,” he hissed.

“Wasn’t that hard, really. It’s like I opened my legs and boom! You were open for business,” you shrugged while Loki smacked your arm to shut you up.

“Guards!” Hudon shouted, “cuff them and throw them in the dungeons!”

Before the guards could take a step towards you all, you found yourself screaming, “wait!”

“I almost forgot,” you added, patting your vest and then your pants to find a little black box, “I was told to give this to you with the message ‘your ex says hi’.”

Hudon looked at the box placed in his hand. Javier’s camera captured you putting your fingers over Loki’s hand and dragging your index down towards the ground. Loki gave you a silent look before tangling his fingers in yours, moving Javier right behind him.

“Lulu,” you whispered discreetly, “you know what comes next right?”

Lulu purred a little before shifting to your back, his arms still secure around your neck. All eyes watched as a tweet rose from the box, increasing in pitch. And just like that it dropped in silence, the code for you four to duck down.

Loki was already shielding you with his body, his arm wrapped around you when the flash came and with it a crash. Hudon was enclosed in what looked like lit up ropes sparkling with electricity while the Hardy boys entered from the roof on ropes as smoothly as always.

“Your ex also said ‘time to die motherfucker’,” Mauve declared before electrocuting the furry.

“Seven years, Mauve,” Violet stressed with a shaking head, “it’s been seven years. Let it go.”

 Night Time at the Inn

Javier’s camera rested on the platform outside in the balcony that sat atop the inn to the view of the city. Javier himself was busy with the little yet powerful cameras in the shape of silver flies Violet was showing from his own collection. Lulu ran about chasing fireflies that glowed in multiple colours around him. A few even came and sat down on his fur, making him pause anything and everything he was doing so as not to scare them.

You walked in from the other room, showered and shampooed, in your old clothes cleaned and dried, throwing a quick glance at the surroundings before going straight for the figure sitting outside on the cemented boundary of the balcony looking down at the soft bustle and glow of this little city.

The platform was wide enough for two people but you still stood leaning on the door and knocked on the glass first. “Mind if I join you?”

Loki scooched over to the other side to make room for you. You got up and slid your butt and legs up, a lungful of the foreign air bringing with it the smell of all that was cooking in the streets. “Hmm, smells heavenly,” you hummed, letting your headrest on the brick wall behind.

When your senses had absorbed all there was to the night, you finally found the courage to speak.

[Lulu, still as a cat, clicks his belly to play Sweater Weather (feat. Fruitypoppin x Koven Wei]

“How are you doing?”

Loki’s head turned to look at you, his fingers still moving around the bracelets that did not let him use his full potential.

You shifted where you sat, scratching some itch in your head. “I mean, you okay? Like being forced into sex trafficking can leave a deeply rooted trauma if not addressed in time.”

Loki smiled and looked down at the bracelet. “I appreciate your concern. But I am fine. I have had worse”

Your lips parted in a gasp that was controlled in time. “...okay. Okay.”

His green eyes reflected the lights in a mellow hue under the brilliant duvet of stars above you. His stare had a pinch of something soft as he continued to look at you. “I also appreciate-” he shifted his glance to his arms right when you turned to look at him, adjusting the hem of the sleeve of his black t-shirt- “you not asking me about the scars.”

There was a shift of emotion visible in your eyes. A smile forced upon your lips that those y/e/c pupils betrayed. The unconscious movement of your fingers over your own arm, the repeated motion of them over the same place as if trying to soothe some underlying ache; none of it went unnoticed by those sharp smaragdines. Neither did the cage you tried to make around your waist, wrapping your arms around it, trying to block some invisible evil. “No problem-” you blinked and one of those flies recording you two zoomed in enough to see moisture gathering on the edges of your eyelids- “just know that whenever you are ready to talk, I will be there for you.”

Your smile widened, using your usual trick of letting your eyes close to hide that moisture, even adding in a chuckle here and there.

Loki had to take in a whole lot of air to bring the words out of him. “And I will be there when you need to talk about it too.”

The smile was gone. Knees were drawn closer to your chest. “Yeah, that might take ages,” you muttered as you rested your head on your knees.

“Good thing that I’m immortal then?” And the chuckle came back, bringing the stress in Loki’s shoulders down a little.

“What did you do to Hudon anyway? Why was he so pissed at you to force you to be one of his prostitutes?”

Loki groaned and let his head fall back. “I let all of his unwilling workers escape.”

You raised your brows in praise.

“While tricking him into thinking I was in love with him.”

And your jaw drops. “WHAT?!” you nearly screeched while Loki tried to shush you. “You...what?! Why??”

“Well, he comes from an orthodox planet that did not stand for the choices in the life partners he wanted. Which is why he ran away and opened brothels with no restrictions. I took...advantage of that knowledge to use him and run. From...my torturers.”

Loki’s eyes went to his arms. So did yours. “And in doing so I broke the heart of a man who was into bad trades. So I am the lesser evil here, for your information,” he recovered. 

“Yeah, freeing sex slaves and breaking a stone-cold bitch’s heart isn’t as much as evil as it is a ‘making the world a better place’, dude.” You acknowledged. “And I hope your torturers are dead otherwise they’re gonna catch these hands.”

A chortle left Loki, scaring the Lulu and making all the flies fly away from what had looked like a fluffy Christmas tree. “What, I’m serious.” A punch landed in his gut to show just how serious you were.

“Right. How do you think you will defeat them? Using black latex clothing, handcuffs, a whip and anal beads?”

You looked at the flying cam with a twist in your jaw while Loki laughed in the background.

You: I am too pissed right now to even question how he knows about anal beads.

“Haa haa. You laugh at the idea while I will actually be making them beg for mercy in leather bonds and chains,” you announced, angry at the God for losing it at the thought of you in that role again. “And I’ll definitely be doing a better job of a Dominatrix than you ever did.”

“You take that back.”

Lulu went around chasing the fireflies again while the two of you teased each other under the starry night far away from home, for the very first time not worrying about your way back, the music adding to the soothing colours brewing in the night.

 In the Darkness of The Lounge

All the ladies were lined up on the sofa, binging on drinks and popcorn in the dark, eyes stuck on the big screen when a sniffle was heard from behind them. All of them turned to watch a very worried Steve and Clint looking at Bucky and Scott sit next to them. Their faces glistened in whatever light came from the screen, the streaks of tears and swollen eyes visible even in the dark. Not to mention the blocked noses.

“Are you guys okay?” Wanda asked softly, never giving up what she saw in their minds.

Both of them nodded.

“Are you crying for Loki right now?” Clint asked with a hint of disgust in his voice, earning a smack from Natasha.

“No,” Bucky grunted from the midst of his tear wave while Scott shook his head in agreement. “I’m crying because this stupid bowl in my hand does not have any more popcorn.”

“Yeah,” Scott bawled, “I am mad at this stupid bowl too. Come, let’s get some more popcorn.”

“Yeah,” Bucky agreed in his hoarse voice, still crying as they got up and went away, past the kitchen and into the elevator while the rest watched them silently till the doors closed. 

“They forgot their popcorn bowl,” MJ pointed out. Clint looked at her in confusion. “Who are you?”

“None of your concern,” she replied, making Clint feel a little jolt of ‘the audacity of this kid’.

“Should weeee,” Pepper stretched the words in her whisper, unsure of how they would be seen, “watch the part with Loki and the Dominatrix again?”

“Oh hell yeah,” Natasha whispered back, happy to have recorded the live broadcast. Wanda adjusted herself and MJ passed the soda cans across the row.

Clint watched the ladies in shock while Steve sat there in hollow surprise, waiting for the screen to go back to the scene as heartfelt wails of two people could be heard from the garden outside with the words ‘so soft’ and ‘my heart ow my heart’.

#loki #loki x reader #loki x you #loki x ofc #loki x y/n #loki odinson #loki fluff #loki smut #fluff #smut #fic #loki fic #loki fanfic #Loki Laufeyson #marvel loki #loki god of mischief #marvel fluff #marvel smut #mcu fluff #mcu smut #mcu fic #MCU fanfiction #marvel fanfic #mcu #avengers #avengers fic #avengers x reader #It's The Avengers #the office au #Avengers The Office

[jalapeno-princess]

Before You Go

Mark Tuan X Reader

Genre: Angst

Warning: Mentions about mental illness, depression, anxiety, insecurities

Word Count: 3.5K

Summary: When Got7 has a break during their world tour, Mark rushes back to Korea in order to return home to you. However, when he comes home to an empty apartment, he isn’t too surprised. Although he didn’t know about your condition, you were no longer acting like yourself a couple of weeks before. After reading the letter you left him, he realizes that you were suffering and he never hated himself more for not doing anything about it sooner.

A/N: Hey guys, I got inspired to rush this very sad imagine after listening to the song “Before you go” by Lewis Capaldi and I could not stop listening to it. It’s such a heartbreaking song and I remember seeing a tiktok about Got7 with that song and I actually cried. Hearing that he wrote this song about his aunt who committed suicide made my heart hurt. I’ve suffered from both depression and anxiety for quite some time and at one of the lowest points of my life, I just so happened to stumble across of the 7 most wonderful human beings and my life changed for the better. I’d be lying if I said I don’t have my bad days, but watching their videos or listening to their songs really helps uplift my spirits. I’m so sorry if you have any sort of mental disorder but I hope you know that you are so beautiful and so loved. The pain doesn’t last forever and if you ever need someone to talk to, my messages are always open! And please, don’t make someone the main source of your happiness. It isn’t someone’s responsibility to make you happy. Everyone suffers something we don’t know and the minute that person does something to upset you, it never once leaves your mind and they no longer make you happy. With that being said, read with caution and enjoy.

I fell by the wayside like everyone else I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, but I was just kidding myself Our every moment, I start to replace 'Cause now that they're gone, all I hear are the words that I needed to say

When you hurt under the surface Like troubled water running cold Well, time can heal, but this won'tSo, before you go Was there something I could've said to make your heart beat better? If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather So, before you go

Was there something I could've said to make it all stop hurting? It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless So, before you go

He knew it was coming whether he liked it or not. Your smile no longer reached your eyes whenever the two of you would FaceTime, your contagious laughter than he loved so much didn’t sound genuine like it used to, you would always respond with short answers to each and every one of your messages. 

Mark didn’t have to see you in person to know that you weren’t yourself anymore; that you weren’t happy anymore and he hated that he didn’t realize something was wrong until it was too late. When he first walked in to your shared apartment, he didn’t think that anything was out of the ordinary. It was natural for you to not be at home. 

Being a full-time college student with a full-time job took up most of your time and you’ve told him being occupied with all these responsibilities helped take your mind off of his absence. As soon as he walked in to the bedroom, he was quick to notice how empty the room was. Your vanity was cleared of all your makeup and jewelry, the table that your books and laptop occupied was empty and when he went to open your side of the closet, it was empty. 

Mark didn’t know if he wasn’t responding to the fact that you were gone because he was in disbelief, because he thought this was a terrible nightmare that he was soon to wake up from or because he didn’t want to accept the fact that you actually left. It took him a few minutes to recollect his thoughts, but once he accepted that this was actually happening and that you took all of your things and moved out, he found himself sinking to his knees and let out the most heartbreaking, gut wrenching sob. 

Being a KPOP idol wasn’t the most easiest job out there, but he’d be lying if he said he didn’t love traveling the world and getting to perform in stadiums and arenas alongside of his six best friends. Other than the rumors made about him, the mistreatment he and the rest of Got7 experienced from their company and the unnecessary hate he’d receive on a daily basis, the only other thing he hated about being an idol was having to go months without being with you; his soulmate, the love of his life, his person. 

If Mark had the choice, he’d take you on tour with him. He was happiest whenever he was with you and each time he had to go on tour or travel around Asia for all the different photo shoots or reality tv shows he’d star in, he couldn’t find it in himself to completely enjoy the opportunity in its entirety. The love Mark had for you was stronger and deeper than anything in the entire world including his career. 

He’d tell you time and time again that he would give up all the fame and success if it meant getting to spend every possible moment with you. You were his safe haven; his home. Every time something went wrong in his life or he felt like things weren’t going his way, he’d always run to you in search of comfort and salvation. Sure, he’d find confidants in his members and some of his family members, but nobody understood him the way you did. 

Nobody knew what to say to make him feel better like you did. Nobody’s embrace and the sound of their heartbeat against his chest made him feel calm and at ease like yours did. It was in that moment of self pity that he realized, he was the reason why you left. When the two of you first met over four years ago, you were suffering from both anxiety and depression at the time. 

There were days where you would get sad and even cry for no reason and sometimes you’d end up hyperventilating or feel like you weren’t able to breathe and not know the reason. From the time you were younger, you had a tendency of shutting people out of your life completely before they even got to really know you. Your parents never understood why you hardly ever had any friends, up until the day they got a call from your 8th grade counselor suggesting that you go see a therapist. 

Although you hardly ever talked to anybody unless you really had to, it was hard not to hear about the countless rumors about you being mysterious and weird on top of receiving the nickname “ghost girl” because it was as if you didn’t even exist. On the fateful day you were introduced to the devastatingly handsome idol, your life changed entirely for the better. 

You were interning at a hospital as a receptionist when he came storming in to the emergency room trying his best alongside of BamBam to help carry Yugyeom inside. It was in that moment that you learned the youngest boy sprained his ankle while practicing some choreography and you were quick to register him in the system and luckily the emergency room wasn’t all too crowded when the three of them arrived. 

Both BamBam and Mark stayed in the waiting room for a couple of hours until BamBam decided to get some food for the two of them. When he left, Mark found himself walking over to you with the intention of getting to know you. He was too busy focusing on trying to get Yugyeom medical attention to really talk to you, but once the nurses took over, he got to admire your beauty and took the chance to see if you were interested in going on a date with him. You were extremely beautiful; there was no doubt about it. 

Mark had a hard time keeping his eyes off of you and snuck some looks here and there to prevent BamBam catching on to his attraction to you, but once the younger boy was gone, he planned on making it aware that he admired how well you worked under pressure and how you did whatever you could to make sure Yugyeom was in the right hands and that he was going to be okay. In the hour that BamBam was away, Mark learned that you were currently in the process of becoming a registered nurse. 

Not only were you going to school full time, but you were also a resident assistant and worked as a receptionist to help pay for medical school. You also got to learn that Mark was a KPOP idol and that he and the rest of Got7 were in your hometown for two weeks for a concert. The two of you immediately hit it off; you fell for his charm, his gentle personality and his gorgeous looks. He fell for your passion, determination, strength and your beauty was just a bonus. In both his free time and yours, you both went on multiple dates. 

Since it was his first time in your hometown, you took him to places that you loved visiting and hoped that he would end up loving each and every location just as much as you did. There were a few kisses shared, whispers of interest and adoration for one another, a couple of hugs and many cuddles. You knew you should’ve told him about your mental state, but you were afraid of scaring him away before you really got to knew him. 

With everyone who tried to befriend you and actually wanted to be apart of your life, you let them know right off the bat that you weren’t normal. You didn’t want to make friends with someone only for them to judge you for your mental disorders but for some reason, Mark was different. He made you laugh and smile so effortlessly. His smile sent your body in flames. For the first time in a very long time, you were genuinely happy. 

A few days before they went to fly to the next country, Mark asked you to be his girlfriend. He told you that he was falling for you faster than he’d like to admit and that he’s never felt this way about anyone before. Deep down, you knew you should’ve said no. He already had so much on his plate; dealing with someone with so much baggage was not what he needed. The last thing Mark needed in his life was to become a babysitter and personal therapist to a grown women suffering from both anxiety and depression. But you couldn’t. 

You were selfish. You wanted Mark just as much as he claimed to have wanted you; which is why you weren’t surprised when you found yourself saying yes while immediately smashing your lips against his. Mark informed you that dating an idol wouldn’t be easy, especially since the two of you would be in a long distance relationship; but he promised you that he would try his best to contact you as much as he could and that the two of you would plan to visit each other when time permitted you to do so. 

Since Mark was the first boyfriend you’ve had, you weren’t used to the idea of a long distance relationship. You didn’t know what to expect. The idea both worried you as much as the thought of dating him excited you. There were millions of girls who adored him and he was surrounded by so many beautiful idols, actresses, models and singers. What if he realized that he could do so much better than you and that you were a mistake; a brief lapse of judgement he made because he was lonely and you were one of the only girls that weren’t throwing themselves at him? 

Your conscience always tried to make you feel bad, no matter how happy you were or how good things were going in your life. Right now, Mark was the only thing keeping you going and you tried your best to push the negative thoughts to the back of your mind, but it was only natural for you to thing negatively. Mark in more or less words was the perfect boyfriend. Even if he was extremely busy, he made it a point to contact you twice a day; once he woke up and right before he went to bed. 

If he had more time, he spent all of it talking to you. As much as you would prefer to see him on a daily basis, you could still feel so much love from him through computer and phone screens. When he didn’t have any schedules or when you went on vacation, you’d fly up to Korea or he’d fly down to spend time with you. The more you got to spend time and physically get to see your boyfriend, everything seemed to be okay. 

You were so focused on being in the moment with Mark that you didn’t have time to be sad. However, when he would leave, or when you’d have to return back home, you could physically feel your chest get heavy. It was your fault; you made him the only reason for your happiness. You and Mark hardly ever got in to arguments but when you did, it got really bad for you mentally. 

Each and every time you’d fight, you would always blame yourself even if it wasn’t even your fault. Mark had a tendency to get jealous and in the first few months of your relationship, you became aware that Mark was extremely protective over you. You didn’t understand where his insecurities came from; if anything you were the one who should be envious and insecure. 

You’d see the way he flirted with other idols every now and then. He was also very flirtatious with his fans and you knew it was all apart of the idol image, but that didn’t make you feel any better. As much as you wanted to voice how you felt, you were afraid that it would spiral in to a conversation you weren’t ready for. You were afraid that he would find out about your illness and look at you in a different light. You were afraid that he would finally come to the realization that he deserved so much better than you. 

You were afraid of losing him. 

Dating Mark had its ups and downs, but you loved him with every fiber of your being. He was your safe haven; your favorite hiding place; an escape from the real world and you knew you’d be okay as long as you had him in your life. Things were going very good for the two of you for the last few years. After graduating from college over two years ago, you applied for a working visa in order to move to Korea and be able to see Mark more often. 

He asked you to move in with him before you could even arrive and you were honestly over the moon. Time and time again, you’d find yourself daydreaming about getting to go to sleep in his arms and waking up next to him. He was the definition of a gentleman and made sure to remind you just how much he loved you and thought the world of you on a daily basis. On multiple occasions, Mark would bring up marriage and how he couldn’t wait to spend the rest of his life with you. 

There was nothing more you wanted in this world than to marry Mark; the only person that meant anything to you; the only source of your happiness, but you were afraid that you’d ruin your relationship somewhere down the line like you ruined everything else. During your entire relationship, you did your best in hiding your mental illnesses; you’d suffer alone and cry whenever he wasn’t around. You would go and see a therapist while he was working; you really wanted your relationship with Mark to last and in order to do so, you had to change yourself to be someone Mark would be proud to date. 

Unfortunately, there was nothing that could help you. When Got7 went on tour again, this time it would be for an entire year. You didn’t think you would be able to live without him for an entire year. Sure, he’d have some breaks and return back to Korea every now and then and you could visit whatever country they were in, but it just wasn’t enough. While he was away, the voices only grew louder and so did your insecurities and negative thoughts. 

You’re too fucked up to be loved. 

You’re crazy for thinking a guy like Mark could ever like you. 

He can do so much better than you. 

He’s probably cheating on you. 

You’re only holding him back from so many things. 

If he knew how insane you really were, he’d leave in an instant. 

You tried your best to ignore the voices; tried to pretend as if there was nothing wrong with you. Tried to pretend that you could maybe one day actually become normal and be able to live without a care in the world, but that kind of life could never be yours. Mark was a blessing; an angel on earth; a beautiful distraction and you would be selfish if you allowed to let this relationship continue. 

The thought of no longer having Mark in your life felt like a stab in the chest. A life without Mark was not one worth living, but you couldn’t keep doing this. You were only hurting him the longer you dated him for. While he was gone, you decided you would pack your bags and leave him completely. It took a few weeks to come to that decision, you were so stubborn and you knew you’d regret it one day, but you wanted to leave him before he could leave you. 

Since you were still so in love with him and would probably always be in love with him, you kept in contact with him and did your best to make sure that he didn’t sense that something was wrong. He would call you and tell you all about his day, how much fun the concert was and that he missed you, but he never asked you how you were doing. He always sent you pictures, but he no longer asked for any. You felt as if he was slowly falling out of love with you. He didn’t have to say it and even if he was great with reaching out to you, it felt like you were more like a friend to him rather than his girlfriend. 

When you moved out completely and made your way back home, you cried for what felt like hours. If being away from him was already so upsetting, what more now that you were running away from your relationship; from him? You thought it was what was best for him; but it was slowly killing you. There were so many times where you wanted to tell him the truth. 

For all you knew, he could be extremely understanding and would want to do whatever he could to help you; yet the chance of him laughing in your face were even higher. Mark had problems of his own and was very vocal about anything that was bothering him. Shouldn’t he have felt as if something was wrong since you never complained once about anything? 

You were a licensed nurse, studying to get your bachelor’s degree in a country you weren’t familiar with. You were all alone when Mark was in and out of the country. Wouldn’t he think that there was a chance you were struggling and having a hard time? Even if you didn’t say anything, did he not have the smallest amount of common sense to put two and two together? As the days went by, you no longer felt butterflies swarm in your tummy when you looked at him. 

The thought of him no longer made you smile like an idiot. He wasn’t the same man who told you silly hospital puns to get your attention all those years ago. He no longer made you happy and that’s how you knew it was the end. When the only source of your happiness no longer made you happy, there was no point in staying with him anymore. Mark was in a fetal position, crying on the floor for almost the entire day. 

Where did you go? Why did you leave? You were just talking to him a few days ago, how long were you planning on leaving for? He wanted to call you to get the answers of his many questions. Did you no longer love him? Did you grow tired of the distance? Were you okay? 

When his sobs slowly settled down, he stood up with the tiny amount of energy in his body and went on a search for his phone. He didn’t know what he was going to say to you; but he just needed to hear your voice. He wanted you to tell him something happened with your family and you had to go be with them but that you’d come back later. In that moment of self pity, your last phone call came back like a slap in the face. At the time, Mark didn’t think your words meant anything but now that you were gone, they made so much sense and he hated it. Hated himself. 

“You know if one day, we’re no longer together, I want you to know that I will always love and support you. You will always be my person Mark, even if you find someone else and I’m no longer yours.” 

Why didn’t he realize the distance earlier? There was obviously something different about the way you would talk and the tone of your voice. It no longer had that sweet, bubbly intonation it used to have. You also never contacted him as much as you used to. Whenever he told you he loved you and he missed you, he felt as if you said it just to say it. Before he could continue searching for his phone, it was then that he saw the tiny little post-it note on his pillow and once he finished reading it, he released an ear piercing scream of frustration.

“Dear Mark,

I’m sorry, but I just can’t do this anymore. I’m not happy, I haven’t been for a long time. I don’t thing I ever was genuinely happy once in my life until I met you and honestly the only moments I experienced happiness were when I was with you. Unfortunately, nothing made me happy anymore; including you. I felt as if I was preventing you from reaching your fullest potential. I wish you nothing but health and success. I’m going to miss you so much Mark. Thank you for showing me so much love and happiness for the time being. You’re an amazing person Mark and I meant what I said when I told you I’d love you forever. Please don’t come looking for me. It’s for the best.

Sincerely, y/n.”

Would we be better off by now If I'd have let my walls come down? Maybe, I guess we'll never know You know, you know

Before you go Was there something I could've said to make your heart beat better? If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather So, before you go Was there something I could've said to make it all stop hurting? It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless So, before you go

#got7 imagines #got7 #got7 mark #mark tuan #mark tuan imagines #got7 angst

[let-me-love-you-loki]

An Ending Within--Ch. 15

Chapter 15

           I sat down slowly on the sofa in my therapist’s office. It had been a while since I’d seen her, and it felt weird to be there again. She looked me over with her wide, knowing green eyes as she took the seat a few feet away.

           “How have you been?” she asked, opening a notepad on her lap and tapping her pen against the side of her knee. “It’s been a while.”

           “Yeah, things have been busy.” I sank back against the cushions, stretching my leg out in front of me.

           Her attention followed my movement. “You’re wearing your brace again.”

           I sighed. “My leg has been giving me some trouble. Not a lot, but Dr. Thurman wants me to brace it for a while.”

           She nodded. “Are you wrestling?”

           “Not as much as I’d like. But there’s not a lot for me to do right now.” I sighed. “It’s frustrating, but I’m staying busy. I’m teaching more classes at the school. I have time with my daughter.”

           I was shutting down. I knew the feeling. She could see it too.

***

           “Have you seen that pumpkin-headed dipshit?” Jericho asked as he passed by me backstage.

           “Who?” I looked up from the book in my lap. I’d gotten to the venue earlier than usual and was waiting for hair and makeup.

           “Omega,” he replied, plopping down on the edge of the table in front of me.

           I shrugged. “He’d probably in a meeting with Tony or the Bucks.” I paused, taking a deep breath. “If you find him, tell him I’m bored as hell. I want to get in the ring as more than just Inner Circle eye candy.”

           “Black, you’re definitely not just eye candy. But you’re right. Time for you to get those wins under your belt.” Jericho nodded. “Santana and Ortiz are going after the tag titles. I want my belt back. And it’s only right that you get the women’s belt. Inner Circle are going to run the championship scene.”

           Blink. The heavy thumping of my heart against my ribs. A knot in my throat that made it hard to breathe. Flashes of memory raced through my mind. The Hounds in the center of the ring, holding every title the brand had to offer.

           “Hey,” he said, snapping his fingers in front of my face. “Anybody home?”

           My pulse thundered in my ears, an echo of my sudden desperate trip through time. Ice slid down my spine as I forced myself to consciousness.

           “Do I need to get Mox?” Jericho asked worriedly. His normally ruddy face had gone pale. His eyes were tight with concern.

           I shook my head slowly, trying to catch my breath, to force the world upright on its axis. “No,” I said at last. “I’m okay. You just reminded me of something.”

           His eyes softened. A faint smile tipped the corner of his mouth upward. “I know we’re not the same, but we can still be your family. You’re not betraying them by becoming one of us.”

           Laughter spilled past my lips. “What if I don’t want to be Inner Circle for good? What if I want to go Elite? Or Nightmare Family? Or Dark Order? Or maybe I want to just run my own game.”

           Jericho laughed, but his sounded worn at the edges. “I’ve known you for a long time, Black. And I know that you do exactly what you want to do for exactly as long as you want to. Until you decide to bail, you’re Inner Circle. And that’s family.”

           “Oye, mamí!” Jericho and I both turned at the sound. Santana and Ortiz sauntered their way down the hall toward us. Ortiz grinned. “Long time no see, princesa.”

           Santana leaned his forearms on my shoulders and rested his chin on the top of my head. “How’s the leg, reina?”

           I glanced down at the black and red brace. “It’s good. Brace is basically just precaution these days. Most of the time anyway.”

           “You sound pissed off,” Ortiz observed as he sat on the floor nearby. “Run into the EVPs already today?”

           “She wants to hit someone,” Jericho replied for me. “I’m on my way to track down that pumpkin-headed dipshit Omega to get her a good booking.”

           “Chris, I was joking.”

           He grinned and pushed off from the table. “But I wasn’t. Better warm up.”

           I watched him slip down the hallway shouting for Kenny. Rolling my eyes, I turned my attention back to Santana and Ortiz. The first swept around me and hopped up onto the table vacated by Jericho.

           “We can pick a fight with Dark Order. They’ve snatched Ana Jay,” Ortiz said with glee. “The two of us—” he gestured between himself and Santana—“can take Silver and Reynolds.”

           “Or Uno and Stu,” Santana added. His tag partner nodded, pointing back at him as if it was a genius idea.

           I couldn’t help but smile indulgently. It reminded me of the moments when I sat back and watched Jon and Seth banter and bicker backstage. A stab of homesickness swept through me. The strangeness was that it wasn’t for a place, but for a moment in time. I missed the feeling that I’d had when the Hounds were together… that moment on the dock behind my parents’ house where I first felt like I was one of the pack.

           Jericho’s words flitted through my mind. Maybe they weren’t the same as Roman, Jon, and Seth, but I could find a new home in AEW. I could make myself another family—not to replace the Hounds. Nothing could ever do that.

           “Those are the only ones we can pick a fight with?” I asked, tossing my book on the table beside Santana. “The women’s division here is… severely lacking.”

           Ortiz and Santana looked sideways at me. “Ah ah, mamí, I know that look,” Ortiz cautioned, getting to his feet.

           I pushed myself to my feet, taking a minute to get my balance. Then I turned on my heel and stalked down the hallway toward the EVP offices. I ignored the faint tingle in the back of my knee as I practically ran.

           I knocked hard on the door of the office. My heart clawed up into my throat. Shuffling echoed from the other side.

           The door swung open and Nick Jackson grinned at me, his blue eyes bright. “Hey, Black. What can I do for you?”

           “I need to talk to Omega. I’m bored as hell, and we’ve got to do something about this women’s division of yours.” The words spilled out before I could stop them. Probably should have thought carefully about what I was going to say before I practically insulted one of the guys who signed my checks.

           Nick’s eyes went wide, but the corner of his mouth twitched up. He stepped to the side and gestured me to come in. My stomach turned upside down. I thought I was going to puke.

           Kenny sat in a folding chair with a laptop open on the low table in front of him. He looked up as Nick shut the door behind me. I watched Kenny’s brow furrow, his blue-green eyes searching my face.

           “Jericho’s already been here,” he said without preamble. “The show is full tonight.”

           I crossed my arms and shifted my weight to my good leg. The brace felt stifling, as if it were an anchor that was dragging me backward. My heart was desperate to get through my ribs and out of my chest. “Tonight’s show is full, Next week’s show will be full. Dark is full. You brought me here to wrestle. To compete. But I’ve spent the last year being basically a valet for Inner Circle. I’ve had three matches, Omega. THREE! That’s bullshit. And you know it.”

           Kenny’s eyes went wide as he sat back in his chair. “You have one women’s match on Dynamite and one on Dark, if we’re lucky. And if the match lasts five minutes, that’s considered a long one. If I wanted to sit on the sidelines, I’d have stayed with Vince. At least there I could get a match or a promo or something.”

           Someone snickered behind me. I didn’t turn to see who it was. I kept my gaze locked on Omega, hoping that he’d know how frustrated I was with the way I’d been treated in AEW. There had been so many promises about how everything would be better than what I’d known. I’d left everything behind for the vision of a new wrestling promotion that was going to bring back the fun, the storytelling, the focus on providing fresh content. Jon had begged me to take the contract, gushing over how fantastic it was. But of course, he was a guy. And the men’s roster was bloated.

           “What do you want me to do, Black?” Kenny asked, his voice gruff. He crossed his arms over his chest. “You want me to shoehorn a match in the show tonight? You want some TV time, is that it?”

           Rage. Frustration. Desperation. A pure sort of anger that came from someone being purposefully obtuse.

           “No, Kenny. I don’t want ‘some TV time.’ I want what you promised me. I want you to get your shit together and actually pay attention to your women’s division.” I drew a deep breath through my nose, desperate to calm the burning in my veins. “If you don’t, I want out of my contract. And I’m not bluffing.”

           I turned on my heel and walked back out of the room. Nick caught my eye as I passed. He winked, giving me a thumbs up. I gave him a faint smile in return before I pulled the door shut behind me.

***

           Sefina grinned as Kevin and Prince played in the floor around her. Her eyes had darkened to a chocolate brown that matched Seth’s, but her hair was a lighter brown that looked like melted caramel. I smiled at her, tucking whisps of hair behind her ear as the two of us sat together in front of the sofa. Kevin slipped and slid across the hardwood and plopped across my daughter’s legs. She carefully ran her fingers through his fur.

           After a moment, she tipped her head back and looked at me. Her smile was slightly sad. “Want Dada,” she mumbled.

           I looked at the clock, realizing that Seth would be in the middle of a live show just then. It would be two days before he came home. “Me, too, baby girl. Me, too.”

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[hollands-poppet]

Dancing with Our Hands Tied // Epilogue // Tom Holland x Reader

Summary: Tom Holland is your best friend and your roommate, but you both have undisclosed feelings for each other.

Word count: 3.5K💛

A/N: Hello again!! I honestly thought I would never finish this story but I did....I can’t believe it. I want to thank @ladybirduris​ for really pushing me to finish this story, y’all deserve a proper ending and here it is..even though the wait was long! Alright, enjoy..see you at the end!!! 

Warnings: Italics is flashback, cussing, I kind of proofread but not really, maybe some tissues? 

PART 1 PART 2 PART 3 PART 4 PART 5 PART 6 PART 7 PART 8

“I feel like I can actually be in a room alone, you know? No fear, no anxiety.” Y/N remarks as she updates her therapist on the last couple of weeks. She had been seeing her shrink for about a year now.

“It’s been a tough road but I feel so much better. I feel like I can actually take over the world now.” Her hand grips her right knee, she holds it tightly almost as a pinch to remind herself she’s not floating from her excitement.

Y/N had been sort of high on life lately, she’s gotten really good press for collabing with Haus Labs and she’s being recognized by a lot of celebrities for her makeup work. She didn’t know that life could be this good, considering the fact that her life was a mess a year ago. She knew life was unpredictable but didn’t know that she could live life comfortably so soon.

Her therapist responds with a nod, “Have you found a place to live yet?” They scribble some notes while keeping their contact with her client.

Y/N giggles, “What can I say? I’m a gypsy. My belongings are at my mom’s home but I bounce everywhere.” It was true, she was busier than ever and she just never got around to getting her own place. And she honestly felt like she didn’t need one at this current point of her life, she didn’t want to anchor herself to a permanent place just yet.

She felt so liberated the day she moved out of her old apartment. It felt like whatever negative energy had been latched onto her and wasn’t letting her live a normal life had stayed behind in that place. Her anxiety and depression, her neediness stayed at the place where her intruder had robbed her of her peace of mind. It took time but her peace eventually made its way back to her.

“So… what’s next for you, Y/N?”

Y/N takes a deep breath while tucking a piece of hair behind her ear, “ I don’t know..something different. I feel like I can take on the world, you know?”

Her therapist nodded with genuine happiness for her and began to look through her notes, “It’s been a good year Y/N, but I have to ask...anything in the past you feel like you want to go back to?”

Y/N purses her lips in thought, she’s taken herself to the day she decided she wanted help. So many memories, an overwhelming moment floods her thoughts.

-

“We can’t, Tom.” She doesn’t move, not even an inch because the warmth feels nice and familiar. She’s weary of even giving into a hug or a kiss, she doesn’t want to regret her decision.

He notices her not wanting to give into him but he also knows that this is what she has wanted for a long time..actually what they both have wanted for the longest time.

“Come on, love…aren’t you tired of dancing with our hands tied?” He asks as his hands rest on her neck, and her hands slowly come up his.

Her head comes closer to his, their noses touching at this point, “I am tired..but I need to work on myself first.”

Their lips touched and it felt like nothing had ever gone wrong between the two. They were just two young kids who wanted only this and this moment to last forever.

She pulls away and her sighs, she needs to express a bit more before any of this goes further, “Tom..I just want you to know that I can’t move to Kingston…”

He nods in agreement as their noses are still intact, “That’s okay, love. You don’t-”

“But, I do. I really do want to move there and be with you.” She bites her bottom lip as her hands hold onto arms tightly, “I just need to make sure I’m okay..And I don’t know if that’ll be tomorrow, a week, a month, a year.” There is a pause between the two, she’s nervous. All she wanted was this to work and whether that meant they had to work on themselves separately or together.

All y/n wanted to make sure was that he made her heart feel safe, and that if this wasn’t okay that he needed to tell her that. All she wanted to hear was that it was going to be okay, and his response was only a few moments away. She hoped he didn’t run away this time.

“Hey, if the universe wants us to be together...then we’re going to be together.” Toms says defeated, he wanted nothing but the best for the girl he loves. He watched the tears roll down her cheeks, he brings his hand to her cheeks and wipes her tears away. He gives out a sad smile, “I’m gonna let you go.”

Y/N’s tears flow even faster now, it was a bittersweet moment. He was respecting her wishes but she didn’t want to leave him. He continues, “I’m not going anywhere. I’m always going to be here for you, I will always want you.”

She feels comforted by his words, and she was relieved by his willingness to wait for her but she couldn’t do that to him. “You don’t have to wait for him, Tom.”

He looks into her Y/E/C eyes, he’s grasping in what he knows is going to be one of the last moments he is going to have with her for a while. He clears his throat, the ball in his throat causing him to choke up a bit.

A tear finally escapes his eye, “We’re endgame, darling.” They both let out a laugh, he relieves the tension by making a cheesy, yet serious statement.

Y/N nods, her sobs making the most noise in the room. “Okay..endgame it is.” She gives a crooked smile and he gives her one back.

Without hesitation, both of their lips meet. Tom and Y/N take each other in for a few minutes, they didn’t know what the future held for them but now it was goodbye.

-

She sighs through reliving all of the past with just a few seconds, “I don’t know, a year ago I would’ve said yes in heart beat but now… I’m not so sure.”

Her therapist gives her a reassuring smile, “And that’s okay. As long as your progress and your happiness isn’t going to be jeopardized then that’s okay to take time to figure that out.”

Y/N takes in their comment, she didn’t know what she wanted to do now. She is in such a different place than she was a year ago.

“I don’t want to keep you here all day, so we’ll finish here but let’s get together for an update in six months, okay?” Her therapist remarks as she writes down the future date on an appointment card.

“For sure.” Y/N says, six months was far from this moment but she knew it would fly by just like this year did.

-

-

It had been about a month or so since her final therapy session and Y/N’s progress was kept, she was very happy. She felt normal finally, whatever that meant.

She had just finished doing Priyanka Chopra’s makeup for an event, a sweet client that Y/N had just started to work with. Y/N had left the hotel that she had just done her appointment in, throwing her kit of makeup into the lyft that had been waiting outside.

Just as she closes the trunk, she feels her phone begin to vibrate in her pocket. She decides to let it ring and gets into the car, a tired sigh escaping her mouth.

She felt like her phone had been vibrating forever, so she decided to just answer it. Without even giving her screen much of a look and seeing the contact, she answers the call, “Hello, this is Y/N.”

“Hey, Y/N! It’s Z!”

Y/N’s heart dropped, she hadn't seen or spoken to Zendaya that day she had dipped from the shooting Far From Home. She and Zendaya didn’t end off on good or a bad note, she just left. She needed help and she went to get it, and it’s not like she avoided Z because she was resentful. She just felt like her toxic behavior at the time had pushed her best friend away.

“Z- oh my god. I- how are you?”

“I’m good, Y/N. I miss you.” Z remarks, she’s lying in her bed with Noon while her laptop rests on the edge of her bed.

Y/N is trying to process her thoughts at the same speed of their conversation, “I- I miss you too. I wasn’t expecting this phone call today, sorry if I’m a little speechless.” There was a long pause, they hadn’t spoken for a year and it had hit both of them hard.  

This was a lot to process, Y/N couldn’t believe this was happening.

“I understand. How are you, Y/N?”  Z breaks the silence, she couldn’t pick up her friend’s vibe through the phone yet. She never held anything against her friend for leaving, Z really believed in mental health and it was important that she got help for her mind, body and soul.

Y/N sighs, “I’m okay… okay as in great. I just finished treatment not too long ago so I'm excited  to just move on with my life. Life is good right now.”

Zendaya smiles, she sits up in her bed adjusting herself to go a little deeper in the conversation. “That’s really amazing news, Y/N. I’m glad you took care of yourself and you did what you had to do.”

Y/N nods but forgets that Z can’t see her reaction, “Yeah, it was- I’m sorry for everything. Just know that my trauma was taking over me. I never meant to hurt you in anyway.”

“I understand, I was scared to call but I’m happy I did. I never blamed you for anything.”  Z exhales nervously before continuing, “I would love to see you, Y/N.”

Y/N smiles, “I-I’m ready to see you... I would love to see you.”

Zendaya giggles, “You know, it still might be too soon but I’m working on a show and I feel like you would kill the makeup looks!”

Y/N laughs at her friend's quick insert for trying to get her a job, “Ah, two birds, one stone. I see, Miss Zendaya.”

They both let out a laugh, Y/N knew Z’s intentions were all good and she probably just wanted to spend time with her again.

“No - but seriously. It’s called Euphoria and the makeup ideas floating around are so dope! You would honestly kill it.

Y/N sits in thought, it’s been a whole year since she and Z had done anything together. “It sounds fun but-”

“Please, please Y/N! You can’t say no!”

Y/N laughs, “How about we talk about it when we see each other?”

Fine.” Z says quickly with a pout. “Oh, my god! Please tell me you’re free this weekend!”

Y/N closes her eyes and thinks about her schedule, “Um, I might be free I think. Why, whats up?”

Z gets excited, she starts speaking so fast Y/N can barely catch up with what she is saying. “We’re doing press this Saturday for Far From Home at Disneyland! You should totally come!”

Y/N forgot she had even worked on that movie. A lot of wild stuff happened during that shoot that she completely blocked that movie from her mind.

There was another bit of a pause and Z took it as maybe Y/N wasn’t vibing, “Look, I understand if you’re not ready-”

“No, I am. I am so over it. I’ll come, I miss Disneyland as much as I miss you.”

Z squeals, “Oh my gosh, yes! Yay! I can’t wait to see you, Y/N.”

Y/N honestly can’t wait to see her best friend either, “Hey, I’m going to let you go here, I’m pulling up to my mom’s house. Send me more info for this weekend when you can.”

“Alright, Y/N, I will. I love you. Bye,bye.”

“I love you, too.” Y/N says right before she hangs up the phone. She lets out a breathy laugh because she can’t believe she had just spoken to Zendaya. She couldn’t believe that they hadn’t spoken in a year. It felt almost the same, she would see how everything would go when she sees her for the press junket.

As Y/N sat in her thoughts, it hit her hard that Tom would be at this press junket too. Oh, shit.

-

-

The days leading up to the day Y/N was going to Disneyland was nerve wracking. There has been so much progress and she was scared her nerves would wreck it all.

Maybe she felt scared that Tom would have moved on already. They were at first just roommates turned lovers turned….friends?

Could that be a thing? She didn’t know what to expect, how do you be friends with someone you were once in love with… or still in love with?

Y/N didn’t even go back to their apartment that they had once shared together to get her things, he shipped everything to her mom’s house. At the end of the day, she knew whatever was going to happen was out of her control. But Tom did say that if they were meant to be together, it would happen.

The nerves running through her body were making her palms sweat as she sat on the tram on the way to the park. So many scenarios of how this could go down but she truly had no idea. She got off the tram with the rest of the crowd, and had given Darnell, Zendaya’s assistant, a call because she had her backstage pass. Y/N’s nerves were still really high because this moment was a year in the making.

Darnell met up Y/N at the front gates of California Adventure, they caught a bit and he explained that the cast was going to surprise fans and film some promos. Her anxiety was shooting through the roof as she makes her way through the backstage section of the park but she never felt like more in the right place than she did right now.

“Well, aren’t you a sight for sore eyes?”

Y/N turns around and sees her friend standing right behind her, “Z!!”

With no hesitation, the girls are in each other’s arms. It was one of those moments that fels so right, and it didn’t even feel like the two hadn’t seen each other in a year.

Z pulls back bringing her hands to Y/N’s cheeks, “You look so good! Oh my god, you look amazing!” She pulls Y/N in for another hug which Y/N doesn’t mind, she missed moments like this with Z.

Y/N pulls away, “Thanks, babes! You look so good, too!”

Z does a little pose showing off her look, “Law killed it as per usual!”

They both laugh, “Agreed!” Y/N lets out while tucking her hair hand behind her ear. “So, what are you guys doing now?”

“We actually just finished filming with some fans and took photos. They’re pretty much going to film us going on rides because they need B-roll.”

Y/N nods, “Sounds fun. What were you planning on getting on?”

Z grabs a churro from Darnell, “Well Jacob headed back to the hotel because he doesn’t do rides but Tom wanted to ride Guardians first.”

Fuck, Y/N had already completely forgotten that he was here too. “Z, I-I’m so nervous to see him.” Y/N rubs her palm sweat on her jeans and bites her lip to help calm her jitters.

Zendaya licks the sugar off of her lips, “He hasn’t stopped talking about you..” There is a slight pause only because Y/N was lost in her thought process.

“If you’re not comfortable we can go, the fans only care about Tom anway.”

“You’re not chickening out are you now, Zendaya?” A familiar voice asks and immediately causes Y/N’s heart to beat 10x faster than it already was.

Zendaya turns around and that’s when Y/N she comes into Tom’s full view. This is the first time he had since Y/N that day she left. Sure, he had seen and lightly stalked her instagram here and there but this was the real thing. Time literally stopped, everyone and everything had become frozen in time.

The only noise that can be heard is the theme park music, their eyes locked onto one another.

Y/N makes the first step towards him, and doesn’t hesitate to wrap her arms around him. His arms wrap around her just as quickly as hers did. As much as Y/N’s leaving was growth, it was a learning experience for him too.

He was able to focus on himself and his work but it would be a lie to say time apart from Y/N was difficult. He pulls away, “I missed you so much.” Y/N didn’t even speak, she didn’t have to and just

as the two are about to kiss-

“Alright, lets go. You guys can catch up on the way to Guardians.” Zendaya interrupts.

The two looked at each other and they noticed they were drawing a bit of too much attention from the crew around them.

It was a little bittersweet but catching up sounded nice too. Zendaya and Darnell led the group while the camera crew followed them to every ride. It was a bit hectic but security was able to keep the guests and fans at a good distance.

While the cameras weren’t rolling, Y/N and Tom updated each other on their lives. They both mentioned how they were doing, what they were working on. It was all good vibes, it felt like nothing had changed except that Y/N was leading what calls a “normal” life now.

It had been a really fun day, a draining one as well. Y/N wanted to hang around the park a little bit longer to watch the sunset at Paradise pier. Zendaya and the crew left the park, they were drained but Tom stayed behind with Y/N.

Y/N and Tom stand at the bridge of pier overlooking the view, the ferris wheel and the rides behind adding a very romantic vibe.

“I’m truly happy for you, Y/N. I really am.” Tom says as he looks at the girl next to him.

She smiles while keeping her eyes on the sunset, “You know..I really didn’t want to leave you that day.”

He looks back over at the direction of the ferris wheel, “I know.”

Y/N sighs, “I honestly was scared to lose you.” The sun begins to disappear, the lights of the ferris wheel and park lights shoot up around them.

“I didn’t know if I wanted to come because I was scared that- I was scared that this was going to be different but just being here and seeing you…”

They both look at each other and she continues, “It just feels like home, you know?”

He nods in agreement, “My feelings haven’t changed Y/N.”

She blushes, “So what now?” She asks as she presses her lips.

He shrugs his shoulders, “Well, what is it that you want?”

Y/N turns to Tom, “This year has been soo good to me. I’ve been able to grow, feel like I’m in control of my own life but some things…”

The two turn their heads from the view and to each other’s eyes, “Some people were missing.”

A quick silence between them, nothing changed except for Y/N and this was a better version of herself, “I’m so much better than I was and all I want is to keep growing with you, Tom. I never stopped loving you. I love you, Tom.”

“I know what I want...I want what I wanted a year ago and that’s still you. I love you, Y/N.”

He brings his hand to her cheek and begins to pull her in for a kiss until she stops him, “What did you say that night before I left? Let’s stop Dancing with Our Hands Tied, Tom.”  

Tom laughs and brings her head in closer, their noses are touching. “Shut up, Y/N.”

They both laugh and without reluctance, both of their lips meet for the first time in forever and it felt like home to both of them. He pulls away and keeps her close in his arms, “I’m glad you came back to me, YN.” 

-

-

A/N: THE END. OMFG. ANOTHER STORY COME TO AN END. I just want to thank y’all for sticking with those story for as long as you guys did. I wanted to give Y/N and Tom a proper ending... I can’t believe it’s over. Please send me your thoughts, I love you guys!!! -Amy 💛

#tom holland #tom holland x reader #reader x tom holland #y/n x tom holland #y/n #tom holland blurb #tom holland au #tom holland fic #tomholland fanfiction #tom holland angst #tom #holland #tom holland imagine #tom holland imagines #tom holland x you #you x tom holland #tom holland x y/n imagine #zendaya x reader

[uzumaki-rebellion]

“Wet Sugar” [Part 28 of 30]

Summary: Erik and Yani’s lives are about to change permanently....

"I'm a fish in an aquarium Cut off from the outside world The water's always lukewarm And I observe

Hardly anyone takes notice of me But I am, here Quietly floating My lips, moving Just like yours

Always in motion You, never seem to rest Through my reflection I watch you Why do you keep me here, like this…"

Me'Shell Ndegeocello – "Aquarium"

"Come on Sweet Pea, it's okay. Come out from there…"

Yani stuck her head under Sydette's bed and saw her daughter curled up with her doll Miss Penny in the fetal position.

"It's just a bad man on tv it's not real," Yani said.

She reached her hands out for Sydette and the girl crawled from under the bed and sat on Yani's lap.

"Oh, I know that sound scared you. We'll watch something else."

Yani carried Sydette back into their living room and switched the channel to a cooking show. She wasn't expecting a violent news report to interrupt the comedy show they were watching. Her daughter eased back into her chest but Yani could feel her trembling. Touching Sydette's face, Yani kissed her daughter's forehead.

Two months and her daughter was still having night terrors and panic attacks because of Huntsman and their last night at the compound. Even Yani felt a little anxious when she walked around her apartment at night, afraid that someone would come to the door, break-in, and finish what they started on that night. Killmonger said he handled all those men. She wasn't so sure sometimes, especially knowing about Klaue's different minions from all over the world.

It had only gotten worse with Sweet Pea.

Loud sounds on tv or in real life brought either sudden tears or her baby running to hide. Sydette had finally stopped going to the front door and trying to find Killmonger. Yani no longer heard her baby girl asking, "We go find Baba now?"

Yani asked her mentor at the hospital for help finding a therapist that dealt with children and she was able to recommend a wonderful doctor for Sydette. The therapist was a friendly older white man with gentle milky blue eyes. Yani told the partial truth of what had happened to them. Sitting in the man's office while Sydette played with some dolls the therapist had in his space, she explained that they had been robbed while staying in a rental property with her boyfriend. She told him about the guns that were used on them, and she even explained how she and Sydette escaped on the beach. That was all she revealed. Afterward, she sat back and watched the man speak to her daughter just to get to know her. The therapist wrote a lot down, and when it was over, they set up appointments to have Sydette come in twice a week.

Once the therapist gained Sydette's trust after two visits, he had her use dolls to tell him what happened from her point of view. Sydette was so talkative and descriptive.

The man had Sydette coloring while she talked along with more doll play, and there were also sessions with Yani talking with her little girl to help develop coping skills when Sydette did run and hide.

Holding her child on her lap, Yani did what the therapist told her to do. She acted calm and regulated her own breathing so that Sydette copied her and brought down her anxiety. She acknowledged what Sydette was feeling and let her baby dictate how the conversation would go. It was hard though. Sydette tended to ask the same questions about the bad guys coming back. Yani often caught her acting out the attack with her own dolls, and it broke her heart. Bedwetting increased and going to bed at night was a difficult ritual and her daughter no longer wanted to sleep alone in her room. Yani allowed her to stay with her.

Sydette tended to self-soothe frequently with her thumb in her mouth, something she had never done before. She also dragged around a blanket that Killmonger bought for her and twisted her fingers frequently along the edges of the pink satin material whenever she saw something that reminded her of that night.

Sydette reached up and touched the curly lace front Yani wore. She was switching out three different wigs to cover up the scar on her head from the bullet that struck her. It hadn't healed all that well and the scar brought back bad memories.

"How are you feeling now Sweet Pea? Sad? Scared…?"

"Sad."

"Oh yeah? It's ok to feel sad."

"And scared."

"Mama is right here for you. You want to talk about it?"

She shook her head and pressed her face into Yani's chest.

They sat together until Sydette tugged on her pants.

"You need to change your pull-ups?"

"Yes."

Yani closed her eyes and tried not to cry. Sydette had been potty-trained, but now she was back to wearing pull-ups again because of so many accidents during the day.

"Come on."

Yani walked her to the bathroom and cleaned her up. After replacing the pull-ups she made sure to get them back on their evening routine. Making dinner together. Pork n' beans and hot dogs. Yani sliced up cooked wieners and let Sydette drop them into a pot of beans mixed with barbecue sauce and brown sugar. Keeping a daily routine helped Sydette a lot, but Yani was worried that Sydette would never get better.

Yani felt that her own therapy sessions were less important than getting her daughter back on track.

Plus….she had another concern that was twisting up her world.

And she needed to talk to Twyla about it and no one else.

###

Linda's eyes showed no glimmers of shock, surprise, or any concern at all.

Erik arrived in Sweden after a two-week trip of seeing relatives and solidifying his plans to take out Klaue en route to Wakanda. Linda picked him up at the airport and her enthusiasm at seeing him was the best Academy Award-winning performance he had ever experienced. He hugged her and allowed her to kiss his cheek, but then he went straight into work mode.

"How was your flight?" she asked.

They stood by the luggage carousel and waited for Erik's duffle bag and metal suitcase.

"Fine. How's Klaue?"

"Good. Calm actually, which is not normal for him. He seems pretty confident now that you have landed."

He grabbed his duffle as Linda picked up his suitcase. She ushered him to a cab outside and Erik watched her closely. Her eyes flicked over the attaché that Erik held in his hand.

"Things good with your family?" she asked.

"Cool breezy. I'm ready to get to work."

Her eyes were playful and Erik tried to keep his face neutral, but he felt himself grinding his teeth together.

The two-story hideout in Sweden was pretty swanky. Isolated and guarded by a new crew of security that Erik didn't know. Pure muscle men that Klaue planned on taking to Korea with them.

Erik handed over the attaché that Klaue needed, and he learned that Klaue was using it to essentially blackmail the C.I.A. into buying the vibranium from him. Linda acted nonchalant when she saw Klaue getting what she wanted in his hand.

Settling down into tracking the artifacts that would eventually arrive in London, Erik observed Linda's behavior with much more intensity. There might be a Plan B to her treachery. She stayed on several computers for twelve hours a day, and he never caught her sneaking off to try and contact anyone. The moment she saw Erik, she had to know her plans to rob Klaue had been foiled. Erik was alive and in her face. It didn't matter to him that she thought Yani and Sydette were accidental collateral damage. She would have to pay for what she had done.

Rising early one morning, Erik stepped out onto a patio and made a call to his Aunt Serah on his personal cell.

"JaJa."

Serah's voice sounded happy to hear from him.

"Can you face chat, or nah?"

"I am walking into my apartment now."

Erik switched to audio and video and adjusted the earbuds he wore.

"You look good," she said.

"Busy, but I'm maintaining."

"Bakari and Dante said they enjoyed seeing you."

"It was good to be home."

"How can I help you?"

He watched his Aunt take a seat in her kitchen.

"I need you to do something for me. And when I ask you to do this, don't ask why."

Her eyes took him in and she drew in a deep breath.

"What is it?"

"When the London exhibit hits, I don't want you to be there for the first week of the opening. Call in sick."

His face was serious and he waited for her to push back and be nosey as she was prone to be.

"A week?"

He nodded.

It had to be a week. It would take a few days before the arrival for Linda to get in with a job and start taking over surveillance. Erik had already shown their micro-crew the layout for the museum and also the main players. He couldn't leave his Aunt out of the staff photos he showed everyone, but he could keep her away from what they were planning to do.

"I have some vacation time stored up."

"I will let you know what week to leave," he said.

"JaJa—"

"Auntie…please…"

His eyes darted around to make sure he still had privacy.

"Fine. I will do it."

"Thank you. I have to go now. I'll chat with you soon."

She blew him a kiss and Erik went to find Linda.

He found her on her laptop posted up near Klaue in the dining room. She was creating a fake visa and London I.D. for herself.

Klaue sat staring at his own laptop while drinking his third cup of coffee.

"Ross is ready for the transaction," Klaue said.

"I found a plane to get us out. We can jump to Japan, and then Indonesia—" "You take care of all of that with Limbano. I'm working on getting our money upfront before the trade-off. Any word on when the exhibit is happening? I really don't want this to drag out."

"A few months. Be patient."

Klaue smacked Erik's shoulder and sipped on his fresh brew.

"Pre-paid gigs now. Impressive," Erik said taking a seat next to Klaue. He poured himself coffee from the pot sitting on the dining table.

Linda looked at him and the curl of a smile on her lips made him want to punch her. He needed to find something to do or else he would reveal his hand.

"Going for a walk," Erik said.

He left the house and walked around the grounds. The air smelled clean and it helped him clear his head.

He was ready to move.

Being in Sweden gave him time to watch the news on the regular. King T'Chaka would be at the Vienna International Center to help bring about the ratification of the Sokovian accords. Erik hoped the man would return to Wakanda in time for him to stomp him out. He didn't want to challenge the throne while his Uncle was out of the country. He needed him and T'Challa there in person. It would look like a reckless power-grabbing coup d'etat if Erik ran through Wakanda while they were away. No…he needed to follow the letter of the law in his father's homeland. Reading his father's journals, he learned of N'Jobu considering making a play for the throne before he was murdered. It wasn't enough to be a rebel. True power was claiming the throne with a legitimate justice claim. He wanted to kill T'Chaka and T'Challa on their home turf in front of their people. Under their own laws. Their rules. There would be no questioning of his ascension to the throne with their blood on his hands.

Blood on his hands…

His thoughts turned to Yani and Sydette.

It still pained him to think of them. God knows he tried to put them far in the back of his mind as he could, but he couldn't stop the occasional random memories that came at him. A certain odor in the house would remind him of a meal he cooked for his girls. A song on the radio put him back into the kitchen of Klaue's house with Sydette holding onto his hands and dancing as Yani fussed at them for being in her way as she cooked. As hard as he tried to stay busy and mentally occupied, they would creep into his psyche. His trip back to the states helped a lot when he visited his family, but the moment he stepped on the plane to Sweden he fell into a funk. Seeing Linda only brought the island back into sharp relief.

Erik walked back into the house to find some good liquor. He needed to drown his thoughts.

Stay the course.

Focus.

###

Yani stirred in a handful of potatoes into the fish soup she made on Twyla's stove. The fragrant home-made broth she fixed made her own mouth water.

"Don't put no okra in it. I nuh want to feel that slime in my mouth," Twyla said.

"Too late," Yani called out.

"Argh!" Twyla groaned.

"I didn't put a lot in. Barely a handful."

Yani put the soup on simmer and washed her hands.

Sydette played with two new Barbie dolls her paternal grandmother bought for her on the floor. The tv was on a cartoon and Twyla sat on her couch flipping through a fashion magazine.

"You alright?" Twyla asked.

"Yeah."

"You look funny…"

Yani glanced down at Sydette.

"Can we talk in the kitchen?" Yani asked.

Twyla eyed her and then tossed her magazine on the couch. They left Sydette to her dolls.

Twyla lifted up the lid on the soup and took a big whiff.

"Smells like Auntie's."

"Be done soon…Twyla…?" Yani laced and unlaced her fingers together.

Her cousin sat in a chair next to her.

"Yeah?" Twyla said.

"I'm in trouble. I…I messed up…"

"What happen?"

"Don't be vex…"

Yani's hand instinctively went to her belly.

Twyla's head tilted to the side. Her eyes got big and then she sucked her teeth.

"I don't want to hear that…Yani…last time yuh ask mi not be vex…oh dammit cuz…yuh had Sydette…"

Yani's hand covered her eyes and she felt fat tears squeeze from her lids.

Twyla jumped up from her seat and stuck her head out of the kitchen doorway to check on Sydette. She turned back to Yani.

"All this stuff you two are dealing with, and now…yuh telling me you carrying that man's baby?"

Twyla sat back down on the chair and touched Yani's hand.

"I'm not trying to be mean…I'm just. Dammit. I was worried about this happening."

"I'm not keeping it."

Yani wiped her face.

"We said we wouldn't have no baby together. I'm not going to term. I made an appointment in the states. I need you to keep Sydette for me. I'm going to fly to Florida. There's a clinic in Miami that will help me deal with this. I just need you to keep quiet, and watch my Sweet Pea."

"You're going by yourself?"

"Yeah. I don't want anyone to know. Just you."

Twyla squeezed Yani's hand.

"I didn't mean to sound like a bitch about it."

Yani shrugged.

"How far along are you?"

"Two months."

Yani stood up and went to the stove.

She lifted the lid on the soup and stirred it, needing something to do. Needing to be away from Twyla's eyes.

They hadn't been careful.

Especially for the last month they were together. A part of her thought she wanted it to happen. As careful as she had been in the beginning with him, they had become careless in the end. Her rigid birth control taking had slipped and she had no one to blame but herself. She hadn't been taking her pills at the same regular times she always had. The early morning was her normal time, but sometimes she took them in the afternoon, or at night. They had set themselves up for failure. Especially when she allowed him to ejaculate inside of her so often. She had irregular cycles and thought this was another scare like last time. She ignored the first month thinking the stress from the attack was the cause.

She beat herself up. His last few words to her was to not let anything stop her from going to school. Now she was carrying his seed and breaking every promise she made to herself. Killmonger was just as responsible, but now he was out of her life.

"No one can know about this, Twyla."

"My mouth is shut. I'll keep Sydette for you."

Yani covered the soup again. She felt Twyla's arms go around her waist, her cheek pressed close to hers.

"I'll carry this weight with yuh cuz. Okay? No worries."

Yani's head dropped down. Twyla turned her around and Yani buried her face in her cousin's neck.

"I can't go backward," she whispered into her cousin's skin.

"When are you flying out?"

"Next week. Thursday through Sunday."

"You shouldn't go alone. I'll go with you. I'll call in sick to work—"

"I don't want—"

"Calm down…calm down. We'll get Monice to watch Sydette. We'll tell her we're going to visit Kendall. We can see him when we get there, then disappear. He'll be busy doing his club dates and no one will suspect anything if we actually don't see him. It's just a Miami girls trip. Dry your eyes."

Yani nodded.

She was happy that Twyla would come with her. She didn't want to go alone, but she wanted to stay discreet.

"Mama…"

Sydette stood in the doorway and Yani wiped her eyes. Painting a wide smile on her lips she grabbed bowls from the cupboard.

"Ready for some fish tea, love?"

Sydette nodded.

"It'll be okay," Twyla said.

Yani hoped so.

###

Erik's hands slid up her thighs.

They were browner from the sun and so warm to the touch that Erik found himself heavy sighing as he touched her.

The sun beat down on his back and he could feel the hot searing heat making his keloids tingle.

She tried to wiggle back from him and he dragged her legs back to him.

"Nah…get back here. I want you right now. Just like this."

He used his strength to lock her legs down, and when he sank down into her, her lusty shouts made him smile.

Sweat dripped down from his face and onto hers. He threw his head back and a hard exhale fell from his mouth.

"Fuck…baby…!"

Her eyes seemed to be pleading with him, like she was trying to convey something to him on a deeper level.

The muscles in his ass clenched tight and his voice cracked when she said his name in his ear.

"Erik…"

He bolted up from the bed.

"Shit," he gasped, his fingers clutching his sheets.

Glancing around the bed, Erik saw that he was alone in his room. He shut his eyes tight and caught the fading sensations of being with Yani once more. Falling back onto his back, he stared at the ceiling. The warm tingling sensation on his skin disarmed him. He actually felt her hands on him. He could smell her scent still. Lucid dreams had happened to him before, but this one was much too powerful. His hand drifted to his groin and the erection that greeted him there was slick with his semen. He gripped his dick and the throbbing in his hand surprised him and he found himself ejaculating while being awake.

"Ah, fuck…"

Fingers wet, skin drenched in sweat, Erik rolled his face into his pillow and fought the urge to reach out to her. Although his body was yearning for the sexual contact, Erik just wanted to lay up with her and hold her. He missed the weight of Sweet Pea on his chest and Yani snuggled against him.

Erik dragged himself off the bed to clean up the nocturnal emissions. Red eyes greeted him in the bathroom mirror. Had he been crying while dreaming? His heart thudded in his chest and he touched the left side to feel the sensation. His gut told him something was wrong.

He grabbed his laptop and sat back on the bed.

Using an old avatar, he tried to check her social media, but she had deleted everything. It was smart on her part. Kept her off the radar. Twyla's accounts were locked, and Kendall's had become strictly business. When he typed in her name only pictures of her from Kendall's or Chez's fans popped up and they were very few compared to when she had been active online.

His fingers itched to call Twyla, but he refrained.

It wasn't right to try and bounce in and out of her life. She had money. She had support. She would do what she had to do to take care of herself and Sydette.

He shut down his laptop and went outside to walk the grounds. One of Klaue's new security team eyed him hard when he stepped to the rear of the house. Erik waved him off and continued meandering under the moonlight. The acute sensations of feeling Yani's presence had finally faded.

But something tugged at his spirit.

Something felt amiss.

###

Yani sat wearing a paper medical gown in a room filled with five other women dressed the same.

They all sat in a silent queue that they probably never thought they would find themselves in.

Yani kept her head down and stared at her bare feet encased in sandals. A woman sitting adjacent from her stared at her head, and she regretted not wearing one of her wigs. She still felt very self-conscious about the scar. Only part of the hair grew back and the rest was small but vivid scar tissue. Shiny like one of Killmonger's keloids.

Her heart jumped when she thought of him. She worried the thin material of the medical gown with her fingers as her nerves ratcheted up. A thin Latino looking woman was called to follow a Doctor's assistant and Yani could feel the collective anxiety from all the other women and herself as they watched the woman go through a door that closed with a loud bang. She wished she could text Twyla just to have something to do to occupy her mind, but her cousin was posted up at the hotel they were staying at awaiting her call for when the procedure was done.

Procedure.

Yani closed her eyes.

When she first found out she was pregnant with Sydette she was so ready to go to a clinic and terminate. Fidgeting in her seat, she couldn't imagine doing that. But that was only because she had Sweet Pea now, knew her, loved her. It seemed like such an easy thing to do back then especially when she was so angry with Chez and how that pregnancy came to be.

This one was different. It was an accident. A loving accident.

Her tummy flip-flopped and she felt her leg shake a bit with nerves. Another woman was called to go away. Yani was next if they were going in order as they had been.

An older white woman with tight crows feet around her eyes opened the door soon enough and looked Yani in the eye. Yani stood up and tried to close the back of her gown that had begun to stick to her backside from nervous sweat.

She was taken into a sterile room and asked to lay back on a cool blue gynecology chair with a protective white hygienic cover. The assistant helped her place her legs in some stirrups and adjusted her backrest for comfort.

Yani felt her blood pressure rise up and her breathing grew erratic.

The assistant's voice was raspy as she spoke from a protective mask.

"Try to relax. I'm going to place Misoprostol against your cervix. It will soften it for us, and then in two hours the doctor will come in and we'll start. Okay?"

Yani nodded but when the woman touched her thigh to let her know she was about to proceed, Yani tensed up and her hands went to her stomach and covered it.

"Stop, please."

The assistant stared at Yani and pulled away from her.

"You need a moment?"

Yani nodded and felt the small prick of a tear in her eye. She covered her face with her right hand.

"I'll come back—"

"I'm nervous."

The assistant gave a small sigh and when she was about to say something more, a Black woman with a short gray 'fro walked in.

"She's nervous," the assistant said.

Yani watched the Black woman approach her side. The woman touched her arm and gave it a soft pat. Her hand was warm.

"It's alright," the woman said.

"I'm sorry—"

"No need for you to be sorry. This isn't easy for any woman. Even the ones who act like it's no big deal. I'm the doctor who will be working with you. How would you like for me to proceed?"

The doctor reached out for her hand, and Yani accepted the comfort.

Closing her eyes, she rested her head back and exhaled.

###

Twyla drove to the side of the non-descript building and Yani walked to their rental car. She climbed into the passenger seat and burst into tears.

"Oh…cuz…it's alright."

Twyla caressed her scalp and turned Yani's face toward her. "I couldn't do it."

"What?"

Yani shook her head and covered her mouth.

"You didn't-?"

"No."

Twyla held Yani's hand.

"They are going to kill me back home."

"No. Disappointed…yes. But they will love this one like Sydette."

"Yuh disappointed with me?"

"I don't want to see you struggle again. You are supposed to be a doctor, Yani. It just gets harder with two babies."

"Yuh think I should abort this one?"

"I can't make that choice for you."

"They had my legs up and were prepping me and I just…I thought…this was an accident, but it didn't have to be a mistake. I know it don't make sense, and everyone will think I'm just a stupid woman who can't keep her legs shut. I want to be selfish for this child, for its father's sake. Killmonger…he's a good man. We all know he ah bad man when him with Klaue, he said it himself. Him clear on that. But I know he wants to be a good man. In his own way. I don't know where he is, but I want to have this good. This baby is good. Hear mi?"

"I hear you, Yani."

"I have enough money for now. It will just take me a little longer to finish school. But I won't have to struggle like before."

Yani wiped her eyes again.

"I want him to have something good in the world. I want to keep my baby."

Twyla stared out of the window.

"He was so loving to us, Twyla. I know you think I'm stupid for this—"

"I never said that. It's just hard having a child alone. It's why I never did it."

Yani snuck a glance at her cousin.

"You ever regret your decision with Devon?"

"No. The choice was easy for me. It turned out to be the best thing for me. I won't tell yuh what to do. This your decision."

Twyla regarded her face with concern.

"Once we leave here, there's no going back, Yani. I mean, you could make another appointment—"

"No. I've made up my mind. My parents are going to hate me, no matter what you say, but it's what I want to do."

"Crazy gyal. Lord ah mercy I can already hear Auntie sucking her teeth."

Yani smiled even as she felt new tears falling down her cheeks.

She was accustomed to working hard her entire life. She'd just have to be on the grind even harder for Sydette, school, and this little one.

"Can yuh come with me to tell Auntie? I want her to know before my parents. I have to get my house in order."

"Be ready for her to have a fit…although…"

"Although what?" Yani asked, hesitation in her voice.

"She really liked that big nigga."

Yani's lips trembled and Twyla squeezed her hand again.

"She really did," Yani agreed.

"I really liked him too. Lord, here we go again!"

Twyla started the car and Yani rested her head in her seat and closed her eyes.

###

Twyla stood in the kitchen doorway as Yani sat on a loveseat with Sydette seated next to her.

"Yuh understand what Mama is saying? You will be a big sister," Yani said.

"In there?" Sydette said pointing to Yani's belly.

"Yeah, the baby is in there. I'll get a big stomach like Sandrina."

"Can I talk to the baby?"

"Anytime you want."

Sydette leaned forward pressing her ear to Yani's stomach.

"You in there baby? Can yuh hear me?"

"You like being a big sister?"

Sydette nodded.

Yani's eyes swept over to her mother and her Aunt Leona. Her mother's face was tight, but she found strength in Leona's firm stance that Yani's mother not scold her or talk down to her. Leona herself was disappointed at first, but then she immediately steeled herself to support Yani when she told the rest of the family. Everyone knew who the daddy was, and they all knew the man was never coming back.

"The baby sleep in my room with me?"

"Yes, love. When it gets a little bigger."

"Will I have a brother or a sister?"

"We won't know until it gets here. What do you want me to have?"

"A brother."

Paula stood up and walked over to Yani, taking a seat next to Sydette.

"Your life is in your hands—"

"Mommy—"

"Let me finish. We didn't do right by you the first time…when you had Sydette—"

"Don't—"

"Listen. Your Daddy and me saw how hard you worked to raise your child on your own. I'm sorry we were so hard on you. We nuh treat yuh how we should have and we can't change that. But we can be better this time. I'm not ashamed of you, Yani. I know yuh think that. Yuh just make things tough on yourself and we don't want you to struggle like we did raising alla you girls. I'm sorry…"

"Mommy. Forget that—"

"Yes. Forget all of that past stuff and let's focus on getting this new pickney here healthy and in one piece," Leona said.

Sydette jumped down from the couch.

"Where yuh going, Sweet Pea? Yani asked.

"I have to use the bathroom."

Yani watched her daughter run to the bathroom on her own.

The evening was pleasant and her mother cooked dinner for all of them. Yani ate her fill of beef patties with fried rice and Sydette spent the night in their bed touching her stomach and talking to her sibling with soft whispers.

###

"JaJa."

"Auntie."

Erik could see on his cell that she was standing outside of the Museum of Great Britain.

"The exhibit arrives in July. The opening will be on 15th."

"Thank you Auntie."

"I put in my request for vacation time."

"Good."

Her sharp eyes took in his face.

"Whatever you are about to do…be safe."

"Always."

Erik hung up and turned his eyes back to the small touchpad he watched outside on the backyard patio.

King T'Chaka sat in the United Nations, his voice confident as he addressed the assembly. How fitting that he should speak of peace and harmony among countries when Erik was preparing to bring that work to his own country's doorstep.

How fitting indeed.

Chapter 29 Here

###

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