#(not pictured: the COMPLETE AND UTTER EXHAUSTION of everyone else who's had to deal with them all being Sad and Lovesick for three years)

[regallibellbright]

WIP Wednesday, I guess (hey, I haven’t gone to sleep yet)

This bit, springing off of my tags from this post, shout outs to @purplelea, punched me in the face while I was trying to take a nap or at least think about the two fics I’m actually seriously working on, so I guess you’re going in the rotation.

“Besides, he’s already rejected me,” Joshua says.

Shiki and Beat turn toward him. “What, for real, yo?” Beat asks. Joshua nods.

“He never mentioned it to us,” Shiki says, frowning. “Just that you offered him your job again. Without the guns this time.”

Joshua frowns. “Yeah, and? He turned me down.” When this only makes them look more confused, he goes on. “Clearly if he were interested, he’d have said yes. I’d name him my eventual successor, we stay in the UG together and visit you guys, and then eventually when he was ready to be Composer I’d take over the Producer role, and we'd rule the city together. Obviously.”

“Or maybe he just ain’t interested in the job,” Beat says. Joshua looks at him like he just suggested the moon doesn’t exist. “What? Jus’ sayin’, he didn’t say anything 'bout that, yo.”

“It was implied.”

“In other words, you didn’t confess, and Cowards Club continues,” Shiki says. Beat nods. Joshua groans.

“Like it matters? Even if he didn’t turn me down,” Joshua says, clearly humoring them, “he’s obviously way more into you two than me. One of you should go for it.”

“Uh, no? How’s it obvious?” Beat asks. “‘Cuz I heard ‘im when you showed up, Priss. He wasn't that happy to see me, yo.”

Joshua looks at Shiki. “Neku broke back through a hole in reality to save Beat and punched the power overload right out of Minamimoto. There was glowing. Sparkles. I have seen every ill-conceived dramatic romantic gesture anyone’s ever committed in this city, and it topped all of them.”

#wips #writing with Regalli #joshbeatneshiki #I'm currently calling this one 'polyam disasters' #I keep editing a 'happily ever after' in and out of the end of Joshua's first bit but honestly I'll decide that WAY later #I refuse to let this one be done before the others #just on principle #so it'll probably be edited even more than what I usually do as I do a first pass #and this was definitely the 'write whatever I need to get those two core bits DOWN' section so it's not at ALL polished #this isn't the end of this scene - it's not even the end of that bit - but this was the parts that I went 'sigh. writing you I guess' #but it is definitely fun to just bounce three lovesick dumbasses off each other like bouncy balls #the club name was absolutely someone else's dubbing and it's your guess as to who #(not pictured: the COMPLETE AND UTTER EXHAUSTION of everyone else who's had to deal with them all being Sad and Lovesick for three years) #(also not pictured: Neku has no clue what's going on but while he's happy his best friends *cough* crushes *cough* #are all best friends themselves now he's admittedly feeling left out that apparently the three of them regularly hang out just on their own #also he's been doing some Googling since he got back which means that by default he is in possession of the Only Brain Cell Here.)

[goldentournesol]

Be Careful What You Wish For

(Spencer Reid x Reader)

The one where Spencer gets exactly what he wished for, but it isn’t necessarily for the best.

Length: 5k 

A/N: this is based off of maybe one of the best requests i have ever received, thank you so much anon, your request really got my creative juices going! also i combined this request with another one, too <3 (angst, just straight up, with happy ending tho)

masterlist

The sun was shining against the glass windows of the car. The sunset was so beautiful with its melting and merging colors, Y/N wished it lasted longer so she could watch it. It’d been feeling like beautiful moments were few and far between lately. 

No one ever said being in a relationship was easy, but she’d never expected to drift this far from Spencer. She couldn’t exactly place the moment at which the descent of their relationship began, if she was being honest. One day, they’d be happy, smiling, full of love and life. And then the next, waves of darkness and despair would appear. They weren’t even the kinds of waves that would disappear with the shining sun. No, they were there to stay and fuel the storm that continues to rage on. 

Today was one of those days. To be fair, the whole team was struggling, but Spencer had taken Morgan’s departure a little harder than everyone else. It was understandable, of course. Derek was a staple in Spencer’s life for so long. However, for a man who’s seen and been through so many losses, he sure was terrible at dealing with them. Spencer’s tendency to keep things bottled up had definitely been affecting the overall health of their relationship. In fact, it has been the root of a lot of their arguments lately. Y/N just wanted him to let her in, let her help him and she was willing to wait however long it takes. Spencer on the other hand grew more and more snappy, irritable, and private with each passing day.

When they were at work, they tried their best to avoid each other so as to not get on each other’s nerves. Their fights usually didn’t turn into screaming matches, but they both had a track record of saying things they don’t mean. Hurtful things. Turns out profilers are fantastic at rubbing salt into open wounds. 

Ever since they began dating, Spencer took the subway less, opting for car rides with Y/N. Sometimes she’d drop him off, other times they’d spend the rest of the day at each other’s houses. She enjoyed driving him around, at first he was never too picky with the music she played, but later on, his music began to overtake hers. It never bothered her, in fact, she took it as a sign of him being vulnerable and sharing parts of himself.

The days where car rides once filled with joyous singing and laughter were coming to a shocking halt. The silence nowadays was almost always louder than the music they used to play. Even small talk felt like too much of a burden sometimes.

“Should I just drop you off at your place? Or do you wanna come over to mine? I still have some of that lasagna you liked in the fridge.” She asked softly as they slowed down into traffic. Rush hour in DC was never fun.

“No, it’s fine. I’ll just have whatever’s at my place.” Spencer was being curt with his responses. Thus, the warning signs began flashing in her head.

“Are you sure? We can even pick something up from that one grocery store on our way home, something that goes well with the lasagna. I don’t mind cooking today.” She offered, hoping he wouldn’t shut her out like he usually did.

He shook his head, keeping his voice eerily level and his gaze was set on the road in front of him, “I just really wanna be home, Y/N.”

She nodded and whispered, “Okay.”

A short silence ensued as traffic began to thin out. Cars that were stuck bumper to bumper were beginning to move.

“Is this about Derek leaving?” She asked tentatively. He sighed and pursed his lips in response so she continued, “You know he said he was always a phone call away.”

“I don’t want to talk about that.” Spencer said shortly, gazing out the window.

“You never want to talk about anything.” She said defeatedly, the car beginning to move freely on the road.

“Yeah, well maybe that’s true. Or maybe I just don’t want to talk to you.” Spencer spat, clearly growing impatient.

“Fine, don’t talk to me then. But talk to someone, anyone! Hell, talk to Derek himself. Tell him you hate him for leaving or whatever you’re feeling, but don’t take out your anger and unresolved feelings out on me, okay? I don’t deserve that! Everyday I try to get you to talk to me, but it seems like with every little step I take forward, you take two steps back. And it’s exhausting. It is fucking exhausting, Spencer.” She frowned, tears welling up in her eyes but she refused to let them fall.

“I didn’t ask you for that! I didn’t ask for you to be my personal therapist. If I wanted to see a therapist, I would have gone to see one!” Spencer gestured wildly with his hands as he spoke.

“Spencer, in a relationship, we’re supposed to confide in one another. It’s supposed to be comforting. I don’t want to be your therapist, I just want you to talk to me!” She unconsciously began to press on the pedal, perhaps in an attempt to reach a destination quicker. He scoffed, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Relationship? You call this a relationship? We can barely stand to be in the same room together, Y/N.”

“And that’s why we talk it out. No relationship is ever perfect! You should know that, Spencer!” She shrieked, gripping the steering wheel in frustration.

“That’s not true. What I had with Maeve was perfect until it was ruined.” He uttered.

“Maeve?!” She squealed incredulously, “Really?! What you had with Maeve was perfect?! Spencer, what you had wasn’t real like us! You spoke to her over the phone once a week! You wrote to her in letters, where you have time to-to think and to respond! It isn’t like real life, it isn’t like you and me! What we have is real! I-I’ve lived with you, I’ve seen you torn to pieces, I’ve seen you laugh until you cry. That’s the you I fell in love with, not some fantasy I created of you over the phone!” She spoke but the words were garbled between incoming sobs that she was frantically wiping the remnants of off her cheeks. The same sobs she’d tried so hard to suppress. She was barely aware of the words that came out of her mouth.

“If what I had with Maeve wasn’t real, then why do I wish she were the one here with me instead of you?!” Spencer defended, unaware of how sharp his words were or how deeply they’d wounded her.

Her breath hitched in her throat, taking her already blurry vision off of the road in front of her to face him, “What?” She whispered brokenhearted, but the utterance was immediately swallowed by the unmistakable, earsplitting sound of metal clashing violently against metal. They had no choice but to succumb to the inundating darkness that rapidly overtook them both.

***

Spencer woke with a violent start and sat up in his own bed. He sighed in relief when he realized it was just a dream and it was morning again. Turning his head to look at the left side of the bed where she usually slept, he expected to find her there and was taken by surprise when she wasn’t. He rubbed at his face and eyes vigorously before hearing some clattering in the kitchen. With long strides he saw a blurry figure in the kitchen making coffee and walked towards it. 

He sighed in relief, “Hey, there you are. I just had the worst dream.” He huffed as he wrapped his arms around her waist and buried his face in her neck in his half-asleep state.

“Hey, good morning, lovebug.” She smiled and turned around to hug him tightly.

Something felt off. Something wasn’t right.

He’d heard that voice before. He pulled back from the hug and was met by…

It wasn’t Y/N. It was Maeve.

Spencer could barely control his expression as complete bone-stilling shock washed over his entire being, “M-Maeve?”

“Yeah, what’s wrong, honey? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” She said, a kind smile resting upon her features. If Spencer wasn’t so shocked, he’d probably have laughed at the absurd truth of that statement. Maeve brought her hand up to his forehead, “Are you feeling okay?”

He didn’t even have time to be confused before he jerked back quickly at the touch of her hand, “I-uh, uh...I’m not feeling too g-good. Um...what’s happening?” He mumbled, rubbing at his eyes again, almost like they’d be polished and he’d see more clearly. But when he opened his eyes again, she was still there. Right in front of him. There was no light emitting from behind her, she was totally opaque. It was eerily real.

Her face was full of color and life and she was dressed in one of his cardigans over her own set of matching pajamas. She was moving and...alive. And speaking to him. What is happening right now?

“But y-you’re...how are you here right now? Am I still dreaming? Am I...Maeve, am I dead?” Spencer shook his head in an attempt to wake back up.

She began to laugh and pulled out a chair for him to sit on, and so he did, still staring up at her in disbelief, “No, baby, you’re very much alive. You’re probably just still confused from whatever nightmare you had. Here, have some water.”

“Y-yeah, yeah, confused. Um, what day is it?” Spencer began to pat on his chest to make sure he was solid and alive. 

She looked at him curiously at his strange behavior, “It’s April 5th, 2016.”

April 5th? Derek left the BAU near the end of March. A light bulb went off in his head. 

The BAU! 

They’d have all the answers. He shot up from his seat immediately, “I uh, have to get to work.” Spencer rushed to his bedroom to get dressed. 

As he’s dressing, he spots a picture frame on his bedside table. He knows the picture by heart, it was of him and Y/N in the pumpkin patch last year. He’d had his arms tightly wound around her shoulders and was kissing her cheek. The leaves were the most colorful they’d ever been. He picked it up and almost dropped it immediately like it had burned his skin. It was the same picture. 

But Y/N was nowhere to be seen. In her place was Maeve.

No, no, no. This isn’t right. 

Spencer began to panic as he buttoned up his shirt, he threw on his cardigan and practically flew out the door. In the distance, he could hear Maeve in the background calling out for him to drink his coffee before leaving.

The train ride to work was truly a test of his patience. He couldn’t keep his knee still and checked his watch religiously. After the train stopped, was the first one off and ran as fast as his poor feet could take him. He stopped running when he got to the FBI Headquarters as to not alarm anyone, but raced to the sixth floor anyway.

As he opened the glass doors he searched frantically for any familiar face, “Garcia!” He yelled as he spotted her bright yellow clad figure across the bullpen. He pushed through tired agents and messy desks to get to her. Everything else was the same, the office was just as he remembered it.

“Good morning, boy wonder! How are you today?” She smiled graciously, holding a few files in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other.

“Have you seen Y/N?” He asked impatiently. She pulled her brows together.

“Do you mean Y/N...Y/L/N?” She asked slowly, as if trying to recall her name.

“Yes, of course I mean Y/N Y/L/N. Who else would I be talking about?” Spencer asked, once again losing more of his patience.

“No, I haven’t seen her, to be honest. I don’t see much of the White-Collar Crime division up here unless Hotch asks for them. Why do you need Y/N? Is she okay?” Garcia casually answered, as if her answer hadn’t turned his world--this world--whatever the hell he was experiencing upside down.

“White-Collar crime? No, that can’t be right.” Spencer muttered to himself as his brain raced a million miles a second.

“Reid, is everything alright? Is there a possible case? Should I tell Hotch?” Garcia asked, but Spencer was barely listening.

 He was on his way back to the elevators again, leaving an extremely confused Penelope in his wake. He raced down to the fourth floor, to the White-Collar crime division. As the elevator doors opened, his eyes scanned the crowded floor for her.

“Dr. Reid! It’s nice to see you down here. What can I do for you?” An agent, Agent Seymour, he’s met perhaps once before asked him.

“Hi, yes, I’m um..looking for one of your agents. Agent Y/L/N.” Spencer stuttered, it was weird saying her name so formally. But he had to see it with his own eyes.

“Yes, of course, right this way. I think she just came in.” The agent led him to a desk in the middle of the bullpen and left him, saying that she was probably getting coffee and should be back an second. Spencer looked over her desk and compared it with how her desk at the BAU looked like. Gone were the trinkets and books he’d given her. Gone was the candle she never lit, but kept anyway because she said it smelled like him. It was like staring at a stranger’s desk, so desolate, so...un-special.

“Jeremy, stop. I almost spilled my coffee!” She giggled from behind him. He’d recognize her voice anywhere. He turned to see her and his lungs filled with relief as he spotted her familiar face across the bullpen. There she was, in all her glory. Looking as beautiful as ever. His Y/N. But the relief was ripped away all too suddenly as he watched on. She had her coffee in one hand and the other was swatting a very sheepish looking Jeremy, he assumed.

“I’m sorry, baby. I just missed you.” He spoke, wrapping his arms around her waist and pressing a kiss to her lips. 

She blushed immediately and shied away, “Jeremy, we’re in the office!” She giggled again and pulled away from him, glancing around the office as if to check if anyone saw the moment of affection. Spencer’s blood boiled before he realized.

She looked so happy. 

So much happier than she ever looked when she was with him. His heart sank to his feet and he felt like he was incapable of lifting it back up to its rightful place in his chest. He wondered if this was the universe’s cruel, cruel way of letting him know just how shitty of a boyfriend he’s really been. Fire of envy festered in the place where his heart used to reside. He wasn’t sure if it was jealousy, resentment, or guilt. 

It all felt so strange. It felt like there was suddenly way too much pressure in his head. Before he could begin to compute the events unfolding before him, he realized she had spotted him at her desk and was now making her way across the bullpen, separating from her Jeremy. Before he could freak out, she was speaking to him. And all he could focus on was the shape of her lips and the faint memory of how they felt pushing against his.

“Dr. Reid! To what do I owe the pleasure of seeing you here?” She asked politely, but Spencer could tell that she was immeasurably confused by his presence, “Does Agent Hotchner need something from the White Collar crimes archives?”

Spencer panicked, “Yes! Um, he does...and um he asked me to ask you s-specifically. That’s why I’m here, heh.” He stammered like the nervous wreck he was and wiped his sweaty palms on the inside of his pockets.

“Okay, that’s no problem. Just tell me the number of the file and I’ll get it for you.” She smiled slightly, setting her cup of coffee down on her desk. At least her coffee order was still the same as it was. 

She disappeared for a few moments after he gave her a random sequence of numbers. Spencer wasn’t even sure how his legs were still capable of holding himself up. When she came back and he got a whiff of her perfume, his body completely stilled. He knows that scent like the back of his hand, he’d given it to her for their first anniversary. The fresh scent nearly sent him into anaphylactic shock. He’d accepted the file and scurried back to the sixth floor without another word, once again leaving a confused woman in his wake.

Spencer collapsed at his desk and rubbed his head like it would somehow fix this. Whatever this was. Everyone around him operated so normally and went about their day while he was seconds away from losing his mind. 

Was he having a schizophrenic scare? Did his symptoms bleed into his 30’s even though they weren’t supposed to? What was this alternate universe where he’d lost the one good thing he’s ever known? How was he supposed to get back? Did he want to go back? What would happen if he did? Would it be fair for Y/N to stick with him when he knew she would be so much happier with someone else? Would he try harder for her? Would he stop shutting her out? Would the woman he loved so dearly ever love him back?

He must not have ever been deserving of her love and the universe was punishing him in the worst way possible. To have her be within arm’s reach but to never be able to hold her. 

Once upon a time, he would have given up anything and everything to be with Maeve, but that was before Y/N. Before she gave him a new life, one he wanted to live. One where waking up wasn’t such a task. One where seeing her smile at him was enough to make him forget about all his worries. But now Y/N looked at him with barely a sliver of recognition. There was no affection or adoration behind those eyes and maybe he deserved that.

But how was this universe expecting him to go on like everything is fine? Like he hadn’t just lost the love of his life? No one else in this warped version of Spencer’s reality was feeling as dejected as Spencer was.

“Reid, are you feeling alright?” The voice of none other than Aaron Hotchner brought him out of his stupor. Spencer had unknowingly been sobbing into his hands for the past few minutes. Hotch was taken aback at the extent of Spencer’s disheveled state.

“H-Hotch, I need to go home. I can’t be here. I’m sorry.” Spencer packed his things and ran out the building before he realized he had nowhere to go. Home wasn’t his home anymore. He couldn’t exactly go back and see his dead girlfriend wandering around his apartment. He couldn’t be at work where Y/N was, so blissfully unaware of the crisis Spencer was in the middle of.

He wandered the streets of DC aimlessly as he tried to reorganize the events in his head and somehow make sense of them. Just a few days ago, he and Y/N had been holding one another on his couch. Sure, they’d been in a rut recently, but they still loved each other. At least that’s what he thought.

He walked and walked, miles on end, keeping his gaze on his feet as he tried to piece bits together. An IQ of 187 and he had absolutely no idea how whatever was happening to him happened. Even the multiple universes theory didn’t have his back. If he was ‘here’, where has ‘here’s’ Spencer gone? 

His feet had taken him to the local park, where he and Y/N used to sit under the stars. He found himself reminiscing the times they were together. He saw himself and Y/N in every couple that passed him by. Exhausted, Spencer took a seat on a patch of grass. He buried his face into his hands and tried to relieve himself of the headache he’d developed. 

“Hey, mister! Watch out!!” He heard a child yell way too loudly.

Groaning at the volume, he looked up to see the vague shape of a spinning baseball increasing in size as it moved closer….closer. Spencer had no time to react before he was knocked out cold by the baseball.

***

The first thing she’d heard was the incessant beeping of...something next to her. After that, she’d heard faint chatter. The voices sounded familiar but she just couldn’t put her finger on it. She whimpered in pain which caught the attention of everyone in the room. The chatter ceased. 

“Y/N? Honey, it’s Pen, can you hear me?” A voice called. She fought to open her eyes.

Why was it so hard to open her eyes? It was like they were glued shut. Why did everything hurt? What is that smell?

She made a small noise of agreement to the voice that called, but could not coordinate herself enough to speak or open her eyes.

“Y/N, darling, you’re in the hospital, okay? You were in a car accident.” She spoke softly. 

But the words weren’t soft at all. Her words had opened up a Pandora’s box of previously suppressed memories. Suddenly it was hard to breathe. It was hard to breathe as she tried to remember the last moments before the fog. She remembered seeing him so angry, eyes so wild. Who is he? So...so close. She whimpered in pain as she fought the fog away. 

Blood.

So much blood. 

Pain.

So much pain.

The others watched as she began to writhe against the hospital bed in discomfort. Her eyes snapped open the second she saw his face in her mind, frantically searching the room for him.

Spencer.

“Sp-Sp--” She began, but couldn’t formulate the rest of the word. Exhausted and defeated by the lack of his presence, she lay back on the bed.

“Hey, hey, calm down. Spencer’s...Spencer’s fine, alright? You can’t see him right now, but you will be able to.” Those words were the last thing she heard before she slipped off into a silent slumber.

Hours later, she awoke again. But this time with enough strength to open her eyes immediately. Her limbs felt like they weighed tons, she could barely lift a finger. The room was empty besides a single chair with a blurry figure seated in it.

“Spencer?” She uttered almost inaudibly and the figure moved.

“Hey there. Sorry, I’m not Spencer.” The figure moved closer and she recognized the blonde sheen.

“JJ.” Y/N croaked with relief, happy to see a friend. JJ promptly gave her some water in a cup and adjusted the bed so that she would be able to swallow it.

“How are you feeling?” She asked, taking the cup from Y/N’s trembling hands.

Y/N shook her head imperceptibly, “Is...Spence--is he?” Y/N barely got to finish her thought before the tears settled in.

“No, gosh, no. He’s alive. Thankfully, you both made it out alive.” JJ said with relief, leaning her elbows against the side of her bed. Y/N felt her breathing get easier as she learned of the news. She blinked hard, trying to control the tears, but they just flowed out.

“It’s my fault, JJ.” she paused to take a deep breath and JJ took one of her hands in hers, “I was the one driving. I should have been more careful. I-I was so mad.” She sobbed, the tears escaping.

“Hey, no, it’s alright now. Okay, you’ve both made it out alive, that’s what’s important.” JJ rubbed Y/N’s knuckles.

“W-where is he? I need to see him.” Y/N attempted to sit up but winced from the sharp pain in her side.

“Um..yeah, about that. You can’t really get up yet. You’ve got three broken ribs, a broken leg, and a severe concussion.” JJ delivered the news and Y/N’s tears seemed to flow even harder.

Before she could respond, Hotch, Penelope, and a nurse walked into the room, “Oh, sunshine! It’s so good to see you awake!” Penelope squealed and kissed her wet cheek gently before wiping away her tears. The nurse checked all her vitals and gave her some extra information before she left. Y/N forced a smile and sat back, but something in the room felt heavy.

“What’s going on? What aren’t you guys telling me?” Y/N frowned, staring at her friends. She saw them all exchange a look and Hotch being the most straightforward man she knows decided to deliver the news.

“It’s Spencer. Unfortunately, Spencer’s brain has swelled significantly and doctors don’t know when he’ll wake. It’s already been almost 42 hours since the accident.” Hotch frowned, watching Y/N’s expression turn from a hopeful one into one of the most unbearable expressions of grief.

“Wh--what, what does that mean? Does that mean he’s--is he ever going to wake up?” She began to panic, her heart rate audibly increasing. She squeezed JJ’s hand as hard as she could.

“We can’t be sure yet, the swelling has to go down before doctors can make any claims. It’s still too early to say he’s in a coma, which is a good sign. He’s also been showing steady signs of improvement.” Hotch said and Y/N covered her face to shield herself away from the embarrassment of openly sobbing.

JJ and Penelope both looked at the bruised and broken girl on the bed with tears brimming their eyes, unsure of what to do.

“I have to see him. Please. Please, JJ.” Y/N sobbed, pleading at the woman beside her. JJ looked towards Hotch for guidance.

“I’ll speak with the Doctor and see what I can do.” Hotch nodded once and left the room. Aaron Hotchner was simply a man you couldn’t say no to. Thankfully, this extended to doctors as well. The next time someone came in, they entered with a wheelchair. After many screams and with the help of three nurses and a doctor, they managed to get Y/N into the wheelchair. They rolled her off into Spencer’s room where he lay motionless on a bed just like hers. The sight of him so frail with so many tubes going in and out of his orifices should have overwhelmed her, but she was just so happy to see him breathing. Once again she could barely control her tears as she weakly gripped at the hand that was closest to her. She pressed sloppy, uncoordinated kisses to the back of his hand and pleaded for him to wake.

The sight was overwhelming, even for Hotch. It was difficult to see their two youngest agents fight for their lives.

And for the next two days, this is how it went. Y/N would wake from her slumber, request to see Spencer and would not leave his side unless her Doctor absolutely required her to. She didn’t care about what he’d said to her before the crash, she didn’t care. It didn’t matter. She just wanted him here. She wanted to hear his voice again. What a luxury that was.

Slowly, Spencer began improving. He’d begin to open his eyes but shut them immediately afterwards. He’d make noises, even though they were very garbled, they were very welcome. Y/N would read to him, she’d have any one of their friends bring over his favorite books and she’d pass the time reading to him. It was difficult at first, but she’d improved too.

On the fifth day, he was awake and fully conscious before she even got to his room.

He heard his teammates speaking around him again and what a relief it had been to wake in a hospital bed rather than his own bed. He let out a heavy sigh of relief as they updated him of what happened in the recent days. 

It wasn’t real. 

None of it was.

Maeve wasn’t there, Y/N was his, no one else’s.

He’d been sure of it when they’d rolled her into his room and near his bed, eyes lit with hope surrounded by healing scrapes and bruises.

“Spence? Spencer!” She exclaimed, “Oh thank God you’re awake.” She whispered trying her hardest to lean towards him on the bed.

Spencer fought to raise his arm to touch her arm, “Y/N? A-are you really here?” He whispered back.

“I’m here baby, I’m here. I’m never leaving you.” She sobbed, leaning her face into his awaiting palm. Spencer’s chest filled with immense relief as his thumbs caught her fallen tears.

“Y/N, wait--Y/N, I’m so sorry...I’m so sorry about what I said. I remember. I didn’t mean it. You’re the one for me. Life is perfect with you.” Spencer frowned as tears of his own raced down his cheeks.

Y/N shook her head, “It’s okay, I don’t care about that anymore. I could have lost you. I-if I had lost you, I would have lost myself Spencer. I love you so much. I love you so much.” She repeated as she kissed the palm of his hand. 

“I love you so much, Y/N.”

How could he have ever wished to live without this? Without her?

The universe had taught him his lesson and boy was he glad he had learned it.

#spencer reid #dr spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid fanfiction #Spencer Reid fic #Criminal Minds #criminal minds fanfic #criminal minds fic #criminal minds fanfiction #spencer reid oneshot #spencer reid masterlist #spencer reid angst #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid imagine #mgg #CM

[spencers-renaissance]

I turn and reach for you

Summary: Three months after Hankel, Spencer starts getting terrible nightmares that keep him up at night. He tries desperately to keep his secret until one day when it's all too much to bear anymore. Luckily, Derek Morgan is there to hold him together as he falls apart.

Tags: nightmares, hurt/comfort, ptsd, angst with a happy ending, fluff, literal sleeping together, getting together, post-revelations TW: past non-con drug use mentioned once in passing

Pairing: Derek Morgan x Spencer Reid

Word Count: 2.1k

Masterlist // Read on AO3 // Bad Things Happen Bingo

This feels the "Nightmares" square on my Bad Things Happen bingo card, and was written for this prompt by @i-write-whump. Title from a poem by Devon Strang.

After Spencer is kidnapped by Tobias Hankel, he stays with Derek. Nobody on the team wants him to be alone, and he’s always felt the most comfortable with him, so it makes sense. Besides, he’s got the space.

Spencer sometimes wonders whether the team pushed so hard for it because they genuinely believed that, logistically, Derek was the best option, or because they could also see the slow-burning romance simmering under the surface of their relationship. They’ve always had a special friendship, but Spencer can feel the growing tension: the deep and intense looks they share mid-case, the lingering touches on backs and arms, the affection leaking into each ‘pretty boy’ and every ‘Der’.

Perhaps if Hankel never came into the picture they’d already be together — it really had felt like they were on the precipice of something special — but it’s three months later and Spencer’s still sleeping in the spare room; there’s still just as much will they, won’t they lingering in the air between them.

He tries not to mind too much. After all, he’s never had so much free access to the man he’s pined after for years now, and they’re living in each other’s pockets. Almost every waking hour is spent in one another’s company: they cook together, eat together, watch films together, and neither of them are showing any sign of getting sick of it. But every time they’re cooking pasta and Derek says something ridiculous, Spencer wishes he was allowed to lean in and kiss the tip of his nose; every time they sit down to watch something together, he wishes he could burrow into his side and rest his head in the crook of his neck.

(Sometimes, Spencer wishes he could rewind to the weeks immediately after the Hankel incident when Derek would carry him around the flat to keep him off his broken feet; when he could press his face into his shoulder and inhale the scent of complete and utter safety.)

It’s almost torturous, being so close yet so far.

He isn’t quite sure why the nightmares start so late. The nights during the first couple of months are blissfully dreamless, so exhausted from the physical and emotional trauma that sleep was a tantalising escape, but once he’s back in the field, once normal life resumes, everything changes.

The first time he wakes up sweating and panting, heart pounding as he tries to convince himself that he’s no longer in Hankel’s clutches but is safe and sound in Derek’s apartment, he dismisses it as a one-off. He hasn’t had nightmares yet, so why should they start now? He doesn’t go back to sleep that night, too shaken to relax back into the comforting embrace of sleep, too afraid of deception: that he wouldn’t sleep dreamlessly but that the nightmare would be waiting for him once again.

The second time worries him. He gets up this time and gets a glass of water as quietly as possible, leaning with his back against the kitchen counter as he ponders what this could mean for him. The thing is, they’re so incredibly vivid. It really feels like he’s back at the mercy of a three-in-one torturer armed with drugs and belts and guns, genuinely unsure of whether he’ll ever see his family again. He doesn’t go back to sleep this time, either, instead pacing around the living room until Derek wakes up. He lies that he’s only been up for half an hour, and Derek believes him.

The third time solidifies for Spencer the fact that this is a problem. Three is a pattern, everybody knows that, and Spencer spends the rest of the night scouring the internet for studies conducted around delayed trauma responses and discovers the prevalence of delayed-onset PTSD. He’s tempted to contact a professor he met during his third PhD who specialised in the psychology of trauma, but he thinks better of it. Admitting these nightmares would be admitting defeat.

This is something he has to deal with alone.

(He ignores the truth that it’s more fear than anything else that keeps him from telling anyone: fear of being seen as weak, fear of nothing changing, fear of voicing his trauma out loud. It’s easier to pretend it’s about independent agency.)

It doesn’t affect him too much at first. Sure, he’s scared to go to sleep and he sweats so profusely that it soaks through his bedsheets almost every night, but he’s managing. He’s okay. He contributes just as much to their profiles and takes down unsubs without flinching. He dances around Derek like they have done for over a year, and he sits through Dr Who marathons with Penelope just fine. So what if he’s a bit tired? He’s stared down some of America’s Most Wanted and interviewed famous serial killers, he can cope with a little fatigue.

It doesn’t stay that easy for long.

Soon everybody’s asking about the bags under his eyes, his slower reaction times when they visit the gun range, his twitchiness around the team.

“Are you sleeping okay, Spencer?” Penelope asks him one day, brushing a curly lock of hair behind his ears as they sit side by side on the sofa next to a conked out Derek.

He can’t nod his head quick enough. “Yeah! Yes, uh. Yes, Penelope, I’m sleeping fine, I promise,” he says as convincingly as he can, flashing her a smile. He hates lying to her, but he can’t let anyone find out, he just can’t.

Slowly, he begins losing his grip on reality. He’s almost delusional from the sleep deprivation, and he starts seeing Hankel everywhere he goes. He’s stood behind the fridge door, in the foyer of the FBI Headquarters, in the toilets of a local police station, stood right behind the unsub they’re currently trying to talk down, goddamnit.

He’s beyond exhausted, but some nights he still refuses to sleep, too afraid of what awaits him in his dreams, too afraid of the fear he knows he’ll carry into the next day, too afraid of feeling weak again. Helpless. Completely and utterly without agency.

He sits up with his back against the headboard, the main light off but the lamp switched on, scrolling through as many scholarly articles as he can read in a night, drinking cup after cup of steaming black coffee. Most nights he makes it through till morning without sleeping a wink, but sometimes he can’t stop himself from drifting off The nightmares on those nights are the worst.

He isn’t okay and people are starting to notice. Everyone’s walking on eggshells around him right now, but he knows it won’t be long before Penelope organises an intervention that Hotch hosts and Derek directs. The worst part about it is that he feels like a trainwreck waiting to happen. He’s headed straight for complete and utter collapse, and the only possible way to stop the train in its tracks is to reach out and get help, the one thing he can’t get himself to do.

And he isn’t even really sure why.

It all comes to a head on a warm night in July. He’d fallen into bed that night deliberately, actually intending to sleep for once. The bone-deep tiredness had finally caught up to him and he didn’t even care that he was walking straight into the arms of Tobias Hankel, if it meant he got even an iota of refreshing sleep, then it would be worth it.

But he isn’t quite of the same mind when he wakes up at two in the morning like he does almost every night: soaked in sweat with his heart going a million beats per minute, with only one difference. Tonight, he’s crying.

Maybe it’s the emotional turmoil of the last few months catching up to him, or maybe it’s just the severity of this particular dream, but whatever it is, he can’t seem to stop even once he’s awake. Sobs wrack his shoulders as he cries miserably into the pillow, finally letting out the emotions he’s kept bottled up so tightly, and he’s almost wailing after a couple of minutes of anguish.

All he can think as he cries helplessly is how badly he wants Derek. He wants to be wrapped up in his strong and safe embrace, he wants to feel the movement of his soft goatee against his cheek, he wants to inhale the comforting scent of his sleep t-shirts, he wants the warmth and solace that only Derek Morgan can give him, and in that moment, emotionally distraught and so incredibly sleep-deprived, he decides to get it.

He stumbles out of his bedroom and down the hall, stopping once he reaches Derek’s door. He hesitates for only a second before he pushes it open slowly, allowing the light from the lamp they keep switched on in the hallway to gently illuminate the shadows of his bedroom.

“Spencer?” Derek asks groggily, immediately sitting up and wiping his eyes. “What’s wrong? Are you crying?”

At the acknowledgement of his tears, Spencer starts to cry harder, and as embarrassed as he feels, he can’t slow the steady stream of tears rolling down his face as he stands in the doorway like a child in their parents’ room.

“Spence,” Derek says again, gentle and sympathetic, “come here.” He lifts the duvet up and scooches over slightly as if to make room for him in his already spacious king-size bed.

He doesn’t need to be told twice, though, and he stumbles forward, collapsing into bed and wrapping himself around Derek instantly. His arms come up to circle Spencer’s waist, caressing him gently as he holds him close to his body, shushing him quietly.

“It’s okay, Spence,” he murmurs. “I’m here now, alright? We’re gonna fix whatever it is, I promise you. We’ll get through this. You’ll get through this.”

He lets himself cry and cry and cry until his tears are dried up and he’s hiccupping from the force of his sobs. He would feel terrible about the damp spot left on Derek’s t-shirt, but he simply doesn’t have the energy. Instead, he continues to lie there on Derek’s chest, listening to his softly spoken assurances and losing himself in the sensation of Derek’s fingertips caressing the skin of his waist.

After a couple of minutes of silence, interrupted only by the odd hiccup from Spencer’s tired lungs, Derek finally asks the question. “What was that all about, pretty boy?” he asks with a tenderness Spencer isn’t sure he’s ever heard before. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Been having nightmares,” Spencer whispers, keeping his eyes closed against Derek’s imploring gaze.

He feels Derek tense beneath him, his fingers briefly pausing before resuming their comforting patterns on his waist, and a heavy breath escapes his lips. “For how long?”

“Last couple of months,” he mumbles, and somehow another tear manages to escape Spencer’s screwed up eyes.

“Well,” Derek sighs, “I suppose that explains a lot. We’ve been so worried about you, Spencer. We had no idea what was going on but we could all see you withdrawing, and it wasn’t exactly a secret how exhausted you were.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry,” Derek says sadly. “I should’ve pushed harder to figure out what was going on with you. I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with this all alone.”

“I didn’t know how to tell anyone,” Spencer says, suddenly desperate to explain as he shifts slightly to look Derek in the eye. “I was so scared and I didn’t want anyone to think that I was weak or I couldn’t do my job anymore, and I just didn’t know what to do.”

“I know, Spence,” Derek says soothingly, “but you’ve told me now, haven’t you? And I’m going to do everything I can to get you some help. We’ll fix this, baby. I promise you, I’m going to make sure you’re happy and healthy again if it’s the last thing I do, okay?”

Spencer sniffs a little, wiping tiredly at his eyes as he blinks up at the sincerity on Derek’s face. For the first time in far too long he manages a smile. “Okay.”

Derek runs a hand through his hair before dropping a kiss to the top of his head. “Do you want to sleep here tonight?”

Spencer’s smile widens and he buries his face in Derek’s chest again as his cheeks flush red. “Please.”

Months later, they’ll realise they never officially asked one another to be in an actual, exclusive relationship. Months later, they’ll know instinctively and with absolute certainty that this night was the night that changed everything for them, and exactly one year later, they’ll celebrate their first anniversary on that date.

Tonight, though, they sleep curled up next to one another in Derek’s bed, and although Spencer doesn’t fall into the same dreamless sleep he grew used to immediately after Hankel, for once he isn’t haunted by nightmares, but dreams inflected with hope for what the future holds for them, and he’ll take that over dreamlessness any day.

taglist: @criminalmindsvibez @lesbiantodds @suburban--gothic @strippersenseii @takeyourleap-of-faith @negativefouriq @makaylajadewrites @iamrenstark @livrere-blue @hotchseyebrows @enbyspencer @reidology @transhanniballecter @spencerspecifics @bau-gremlin @hotchedyke @tobias-hankel @ @marsjareau @garcias-bitch @oliverbrnch @im-autistic @anxious-enby @kuolonsyoja @reidreids @ropoto @thosecriminalminds (add yourself to my taglist)

#my writing #moreid #derek #spencer #derek morgan #criminal minds #spencer reid #moreid fic #moreid fanfic #moreid fanfiction #cm #criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds fic #criminal minds fanfic #derek morgan/spencer reid #derek morgan x spencer reid #spencer reid/derek morgan #spencer reid x derek morgan #userpenemily

[emilyoftheshadows]

Deja Vu

Hi everyone! This is the second part of Deja Vu and while I will say its not as angsty as part 1, it is definitely far from resolved. I hope you guys enjoy!! I linked part 1 down below for those who haven't read it yet :)

Part 1

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********

Aelin heaved for air as she rounded the corner of the street towards her apartment. Glancing at her watch, she noticed the time and coerced her body into a brisk jog to finish her afternoon run. Arobynn had clearly stated that she was needed in the office at 1:00 pm sharp. For what, who knew but him.

The man was utter filth and Aelin was completely aware of every leering gaze he threw her way. The way he shifted towards her whenever she walked into a room, the gleam of some sort of promise lingering in his gray eyes. Yet, Aelin could not give 2 fucks. She was becoming his prodigy, and she embraced the infinite work he piled on her month after month. While her title was still Hamel Hotel’s Brand Manager, she practically ran the company itself now. If she was being quite honest with herself, she hated her job most days and thought about quitting at least 3 times a week.

But every time she felt like pulling her hair out from the stress of dealing with incompetent colleagues and a boss who eye fucked her every second of every day, Aelin reminded herself that the alternative was way worse.

It had been almost a year since she ended it with Rowan, but it felt more like a lifetime. Only 6 months ago she had been crippled by heartbreak and rage, blinded by her own emotions and unable to see a future for herself. Unable to even think beyond the next hour, completely focused on her breathing. How she only had to breathe through the waterfall of tears cascading down her face, for one more minute. And then another, and another, until she could sit up and wipe away the fog wrapped around her brain.

But now, her heart was encased in an iron-clad box with no key. Because as she had laid across her floor all those months ago, sniveling snot like she was 5 years old, Aelin had had an epiphany. Not just pertaining to Rowan, but to romance in general. All the ice-cream dates and movie marathons, sunset picnics and belting songs in the car, have all been done before. Nothing about her and Rowan was special. All the great romantic tropes were being used by everyone else on this godforsaken planet at any given time.

Once Aelin let this new reality sink in, she had decided to never let herself become so undone by a man who couldn't give her an original love story. No one would ever have the power to crush her heart into pieces except herself, and Aelin would be damned if she let the same person in twice. With her new promise, Aelin had thrown herself into her work, filling her days so full that there was no time to think. No time to reminiscence or let her regrets see the light of day. She woke up early and ended late, passing out every night from pure exhaustion. Her tactics were less than stellar, but Aelin never thought of her green-eyed bird boy anymore, and that was all she needed.

She trudged up the stairs of her apartment, practically slamming her body into the door from lack of energy and not enough water. Entering the living room, Aelin threw her clothes off haphazardly, naked by the time she got to the shower. After a quick rinse, she flew back to her room to paint makeup on her face and find a suitable outfit.

It was standard for the women in the office to dress to Arobynn’s tastes, meaning fairly low necklines and silhouette framing outfits. The thought was disgusting, but Aelin wasn’t below using her looks to earn a place higher than Brand Manager. As much as she hated to admit it, if Aelin kept working to the bone, she truly believed Arobynn would give her the raise she so wanted. The raise she deserved for fucks sakes. With a glance in the mirror and a nod of approval to her reflection, Aelin was ready to go into battle once again.

----

Arobynn was ecstatic for his own standards, smiling with genuine excitement as she entered his office. Rifthold had a stunning downtown area, filled with sky-high buildings and classic architecture mixed with modern features, the Hamel Hotel in town being at its center.

Arobynn’s office was extravagant to a point of gaudiness, revolting Aelin every time she stepped inside. He glanced at her chest as she sat down, pleased with her choice of blouse today if the smirk on his face was any indication. The seat sank with her as she settled into the plush surface, settling her legs in a crossed position, ever the professional businesswoman.

“Darling, I see that we were running a bit late today, but that’s no matter now.” Aelin glanced down at herself, trying to find the source of such a comment. As her eyes dragged up her own body, Aelin saw the mistake that gave her away. Her blouse buttons were askew, the buttons incorrectly aligned creating an odd, sagging neckline. Well, no wonder he was staring at her chest earlier, the black bra peeking through the gaps in her shirt. Fidgeting with her shirt as she noticed the mistake, Aelin dropped her hands and quickly resigned to fix it later. Of course Arobynn would notice the tiny, careless mistake in her appearance. But with his mind on other matters, Arobynn was already moving on barely noticing her squirming.

“I have exciting news for us, Aelin. The kind that could put Hamel Hotels in the spotlight.” With a quick turn of his laptop, he presented her with the picture of a young man, about her own age. He was pale, but not alarmingly so. His hair was tousled and dark, the pieces framing a boyish looking face. The smile on his face seemed innocent enough until you looked into those sapphire eyes, a hint of trouble managing to show itself. In a short summary, the man was gorgeous.

“This boy right here is Dorian Havilliard, a nobody from some town called Rifthold down south. Apparently, he has made quite a name for himself on the online writing world, becoming internet famous for erotic writing, among other genres.” With that word, erotic, Aelin could’ve sworn his eyes darkened ever so slightly while glancing her way. Brushing away the wave of nausea assaulting her senses, Aelin focused back into reality.

“ He looks charming enough sir, but what use is he to Hamel Hotels?”

“Havilliard is making his debut into the publishing world this weekend at a lower level author’s convention in Terrasen at one of our Hamel Hotel properties. If we can introduce ourselves and graciously offer him Hamel Hotel’s finest amenities, I am convinced that we can get him to host all of his future events with our hotel. Dorian is young, naïve, and will be flattered by our offers. I will make sure of it.” Arobynn was unbecoming, his hands erratically gesturing back and forth between the computer and Aelin. His gray eyes were crazed, the prospect of such business and money to the Hotel’s as enticing as a woman at night.

“That’s a brilliant idea Mr. Hamel. I can leave as soon as you would like, and I assure you I can get the job done.” Only the best of her saccharine smiles was painted on Aelin’s face. She presented nothing less to the man who controlled her future. Besides, it would be nice to get out of Rifthold for once. The city was gorgeous, but a change in scenery from the hustle of downtown sounded relaxing. Yes, Terrasen with its rolling hills and sunny atmosphere would be welcome.

“As much as I appreciate your enthusiasm Ms. Galathynius, this matter is too important for you to handle alone. This evening, we will be taking my private plane to Terrasen so I can assist you in the convincing of Mr. Havilliard. Our suite is being readied as we speak. The driver will pick you up at your apartment around 5:30.” With a wave of his hand, Arobynn dismissed her from the room, already focused on his laptop once more.

With a short “yes, sir” in response, Aelin made to leave the office. But as she opened the doors to exit, Arobynn stopped her short.

“And Miss Galathynius, remember we are trying to persuade this young man to work with us in the future. Dress accordingly.” Aelin turned back around quickly, hiding the surprise on her face. Arobynn had always displayed questionable morals, but he was becoming bolder in his comments. In his admiration too.

It was only later when she was packing her clothes that she realized his wording. Our suite is being readied. Not his. Aelin’s stomach roiled with anxiety at having to spend the night so close to the monster that was her boss.

But as her hands shook with the effort to continue folding her clothes, and her throat dried up to where she couldn’t find the ability to swallow her nerves, Aelin reached down to that empty pit within herself. The same wave of calm that had encased her 6 months ago protected her now, and she continued to sort her items into the luggage in front of her.

The driver came at 5:30 on the dot. She boarded the plane, and listened to Arobynn ramble about his genius and plans for the next day. They landed in Terrasen, surrounded by luscious green landscapes and rays of the golden hour shining around them.

Yet, Aelin felt nothing.

-------

Rowan was one edge, constantly glancing at the dark haired young man sitting next to him. Dorian Havilliard was a genius with pen and paper, that much was certain. Even Rowan had enjoyed the young authors short stories, the smut not completely welcome but admittedly well written.

The man himself was a completely different story. Although he was only 2 years below Rowans 24, Dorian was a fucking wildcard. They had only been at the hotel for 30 minutes and he had already gotten himself lost in the booze and women down near the bar.

Rowan had seen the young man’s nerves, how his hands shook when Maeve detailed his debut with The Cadre as his publishing team and the speech he would have to give earlier that week. Maeve was an intimidating woman and if Rowan had been in his spot when he first started with The Cadre, he would be pissing himself too.

Despite this level of understanding, Dorian’s antics were still unacceptable. All eyes were on him this weekend, the word spreading that he would be attending the convention thanks to a leak. Whether that leak came from The Cadre themselves was neither her nor there. Dorian’s books will fly off the shelves, but they needed people invested in him first. And that meant PR. A shit ton of PR to be more specific. And what better way to do it when the countries authors were all gathered in one convention hall for the weekend.

The whole team came out to Terrasen, all of them concerned for how they were going to corral Dorian for the whole event. Maeve joined as well, ready to micromanage The Cadre and network the hell out of these authors. And because Maeve came, that meant Lyria followed.

Rowan and Lyria had fallen into a comfortable relationship. After all that pain a year ago, Rowan felt okay to date now. Lyria’s company wasn’t unwelcome and the situationship had slowly evolved into a relationship. There wasn’t any passion or burning love for one another, at least on Rowan’s side, but their companionship was a nice presence in his life.

Although he would never acknowledge it, Rowan was scared to love with his entire soul like he had with Aelin. The more he opened his heart, the more opportunity there was for someone to come and crush it to pieces. If he had to experience that misery again, Rowan would never recover. He barely had last time, and he still wasn’t back to who he used to be. Back to how happy he used to be.

Shaking away his thoughts Rowan turned to Dorian, only to find an empty chair next to him. That tricky bastard. With a shove of his seat, Rowan reached into his pocket unlocking his phone. He texted a quick help to The Cadre and a separate message to Lyria, asking them to start the manhunt.

Rowan scanned every face in the bar, unsuccessful in his search. Walking towards the lobby, Rowan almost shoved an elderly woman to the ground in his rush. As he turned to help the lady steady herself, Rowan apologized profusely for his mistake. The woman waved him away carelessly, hobbling towards a man who he assumed was her husband.

Straightening himself once again, Rowan started walking with determination only to be stopped dead in his tracks. Because only feet away from was Aelin Galathynius.

She hadn’t noticed him yet, and Rowan took the time to admire her appearance. Her hair was clasped behind her head, golden pieces falling to the sides of her face. Her outfit was business professional, but more revealing than most outfits he had seen so far with a low cut blouse and slimming black pencil skirt with matching black heels. As he made his way up her body, the sight of her ocean blue eyes took his breath away once again. Rowan didn’t think he would ever grow used to Aelin’s brilliant presence, attracting glances from men and women alike.

But as he looked closer at her, those beautiful eyes didn’t have the same fire they did a year ago. In fact, there was no emotion at all shown on her features. Nothing at all. Out of every moment of heartbreak and sorrow she had caused him, the sight of her utterly devoid of feeling was the most painful thing Rowan had ever experienced.

After eons, Aelin finally turned his way. As she made eye contact with him, Rowan finally saw something flicker in her eyes. Surprise. They continued to look at one another, stuck in a world of their own making. Rowan couldn’t find it in his heart to break their connection, damn the consequences. And as they stood frozen in a fantasy, for the first time in a year, Rowan truly smiled.

Tag list

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@morganofthewildfire

@throneofmak

@whimsicallyreading

@live-the-fangirl-life

@swankii-art-teacher

@courtofjurdan

#rowaelin #deja vu #bird boi

[dcforts]

[day 12: the one with the dancing + day 16: family]

The bunker is quiet.

Even the giggling from the girls’ room has stopped.

Cas starts the last dishwasher and sighs. They did it.

His back hurts, his feet are heavy and his neck is stiff, and now he thinks that conveniently falling asleep on the couch right before the end of the night was nothing but a strategy on Sam’s part. He should have done the same.

Sure, everyone had volunteered to help, but Dean had been resolute and unwavering. They all had a long journey and they needed the rest, there was no way he’d let them lift a finger in his kitchen.

A Winchester treat package, Christmas edition.

Even when Jody had stayed behind and insisted, Dean hadn’t wanted to hear it.

“Is not cooking, decorating and serving enough?”

“We invited you for the whole deal Jody,” Dean had said, physically blocking her from entering the kitchen. “Go to bed. We got it,” and he’d said it with such convinction that Jody could only shake her head and relent. 

“Fine,” she’d said, shoving a finger in his face, “but I’m never again letting you doing my dishes when you come over.”

Dean had just huffed a laugh and taken the last dirty plate from her hands.

Cas was already in the kitchen at that point, sorting through leftovers and empty bottles.

That was – Cas doesn’t know how long ago. It’s been a while since he’s checked a clock.

But he knows Dean is throwing out the last of the trash and the kitchen is clean and ready to be stained again. So he feels like they did it.

He goes back to the main rooms for a quick check to see if they missed anything, and he ends up stepping on a piece of wrapping paper and tape that starts squeaking at every step. He sighs, walks to the nearest chair and lets himself sink into it.

He peels off the piece of paper, but then he can’t bring himself to get up again.

He’ll just be a minute, he tells himself, just to get his back some respite. He’ll get up when he’ll hear Dean come back.

He props an elbow on the armrest and his head on his hand and wonders if he can hear the dishwasher beep from there.

He had no idea that holidays could be so exhausting.

Barely sleeping in anticipation of all the things that had to be done, working tiredlessly in tidying up and preparing for guests, last minute shopping, wrapping, cooking.

And then, having everyone around all the time, talking and laughing. From the moment the girls from Sioux Falls had invaded the bunker that afternoon, Cas is pretty sure he hasn’t had a single moment alone. Even when he’d gone to the bathroom at one point, Garth had followed him to get him to hold little Cas for a picture.

And that’s not to mention: keeping everyone out of the kitchen, setting up board games, save Claire from choking with laughter watching Donna and Dean singing and air guitaring to their own rock version of Jingle Bell Rock, alchool spilling, gifts opening, “Please don’t read that book out loud, there could be a deadly spell in there”.

And after dinner, directing everyone to their assigned bedroom, keeping them there, taking care of who needed extra blankets, who wanted extra pillows, teethbrushes, slippers, babies crying and drunken giggles.

Complete, utter chaos.

But now sitting there, in the quiet room and with the Christmas tree twinkling a few feet away, Cas thinks: a really good day.

He so wishes he was already tucked under the covers in an horizontal position, though.

A sound startles him from his thoughts. Dean takes the steps to the library in one jump. “Hey, all done?” he asks, and doesn’t sound at all like someone who’s been up since dawn.

“Dishwasher,” Cas says, stifling a yawn.

Dean stands a few feet from him and smiles fondly, “You can go if you want. I can handle it.”

His tone is charming and lively and Cas can’t possibly understand how he has any energy left when he can barely keep his eyes open.

Still, he shakes his head, “You can go if you want. I’ll stay up. You’ve done more than anyone else.”

“Alright, we’ll both stay up then,” settles it Dean, “Are you gonna fall asleep on that chair?”

“Mh,” says Cas who’s actually amazed at how incredibly comfortable his own hand is.

He hears Dean walking around him.

“How much longer for the dishwasher?”

“No idea.”

“Let’s say four minutes, uh?”

What he says doesn’t make any sense to Cas, not until sweet and soulful music starts filling the air around him.

Dean comes back into his space and when Cas blinks his eyes open, there’s a hand in front of him, palm up, in offering.

“Come on.”

“Dean,” he groans, but he’s already accepting it and letting himself be pulled up.

“I’m doing this so that you don’t fall asleep,” Dean says, his voice low, walking backward and dragging him along until they are in a clear space.

“I’ll just fall asleep on your shoulder.”

Dean stops and their chest touch. “I’ll allow it.”

Chestnut roasting on an open fire, sings the record and Cas drops his head on Dean’s shoulder and circles his waist. He closes his eyes and it feels like losing touch with reality a bit – he lets himself fall and fall into the warmth of his body, the smell of food on his clothes, the strong grip of his hand. Dean is solid and perfect and makes him feel lighter and Cas is much more comfortable than he was a second ago.

“We’re supposed to be moving, Cas, you’re just hugging me,” comes Dean’s amused voice from someplace around his ear.

Cas sighs but slowly starts swaying to the rhythm of the record as it sings, Everybody knows a turkey and some mistletoe, help to make the season bright.

“Do you think they’ll be up early?” Cas asks, mouth pressed against Dean’s sweater.

“Yeah. But we’ll have Sam sort out breakfast.”

“We need to lock the door.”

Dean lets out a laugh and raises a hand to stroke his hair. “Come on, it hasn’t been that bad.”

As he laughs his whole chest vibrates and his muscles shift, and Cas, pressed against him, starts to feel more alive. It’s all Dean, he knows - it’s the life and light he contains. It’s always been like that with him.

“Well, now I’m feeling much better,” he says and he means it.

“Yeah? Wanna go again from the start?”

Cas pulls back a little to look at him. This close, he can see clearly the bags under his eyes, but also the way they still sparkle, “Are you actually serious? You’d do that?”

Dean shrugs and leans in for a quick kiss before saying, “Sure.”

“Aren’t you tired?”

“Yeah, but - more happy than tired.”

“And you’d do it - all over again? Even the part when I dropped the tray with the starters?”

“Yep.”

“Even when Charlie spilled sauce on Bobby, when Garth told that superlong story about his kids? Even when we caught Sam and Eileen making out in the bathroom and then there was that big fight over charades?”

“A thousand times,” he says, and he buries his face into Cas’ hair, “if it means I get to be with the whole family and you, at the end of it all.”

“Well, you’re very sweet, really. But I’d rather we just disappear until New Year’s.”

Dean laughs again, “I’m not the one who promised Claire a foosball rematch.”

Cas lets out a pained sigh and shifts to press his lips against Dean’s neck , “I’d forgotten about that. Why did you let me do it?”

“Cause you love it.”

They fall quiet as the record takes a breath and starts singing again, And so I’m offering a simple phrase, to kids from one to ninety-two.

Cas starts kissing a trail up the side of Dean’s neck.

“Mh,” says Dean swallowing, his voice suddenly raspy, “alright, we’re locking the door.”

Although it’s been said many times, many ways, Merry Christmas to you, sings the record.

They let it sing.

The dishwasher beeps. They don’t hear it.

joining @bend-me-shape-me in doing this!

The Christmas Song sang by Nat King Cole

#SPNAdventCalendar2020 #deancas ficlet #deancas #destiel fanfic #fluff #1.3k #dean is the Sappiest #i kinda fell in love w him writing this #he loves his family v much #but im cas 100% #i always wanted to write ab them slowdancing :') #my fave christmas song :') #they have a dishwasher at the bunker now #my writing

[justice4harwin]

Light’s Corruption-Chapter VII

Summary: With few friends at the Little Palace, Alina must work to win the favour of her fellow grisha and their commander, who makes her feel light headed every time she sees him.

After training in Os Alta for two years, the king grows tired of waiting and demands the Sun Summoner joins a western post near the Fjerdan border along with the rest of The Second Army to test her abilities.

Something happens. Suddenly, Alina wants blood to run down the rivers and those who stand in her and The Darkling’s way will be blinded by her light and swallowed by his shadows.

It won’t be pretty.

Pairing: The DarklingxAlina

Rating: 18+ (better safe than sorry, u know)

Anyone fancy a playlist?

As usual, the tags are in the comments; if you no longer want to be in the list or wanna be added, please don’t hesitate to let me know :)

Click here for chapter VI

Chapter 7: Within the Palace's Walls

 Dear General Kirigan,

Dear General

Dear Kirigan

Dear Darkling

"Ugh!" Alina let her face drop on top of the paper, not caring if the ink got into her face, and groaned, loudly and at length. "Why?!" She asked into the nothingness of her room.

She had no reason to write to him. She knew he must've had frequent reports of the ongoings of the Little Palace, so she had no other excuse except to admit the truth, which was that she craved his attention, even if he was days away.

This was so pathetic of her; letting go of a life-long unrequited love just to fall into the arms of the first man who complimented her, even if she did feel a strange pull towards him.

What she needed was time for herself. Yes. She had finally said goodbye to Mal, falling for someone else so quickly would do her no good.

Oh, but Saints! The way in which he had kissed her, like he'd been waiting for centuries, like she was a treasure, like he truly wanted her. She had kissed people before, but never like that. She had enjoyed it, sure, but always stopped it before the clothes started to disappear. It usually bored people, but Alina didn't mind that much. It wasn't like when Genya was in the room while she bathed, helping her get to whenever she needed to be in time by pulling at the knots in her hair and handing her a towel. Genya was trustworthy, she was her friend and she had never given her one of those looks that had made her uncomfortable during her training at Poliznaya, nor made an unwanted comment or advance on her figure.

But The Darkling… That day, she had felt more than willing to let him have his way with her; nobody had set her body aflame the way The Darkling had done that afternoon a few weeks prior; she dreamt of it at night and woke up sweaty and hot, and it was a real effort to not daydream about it during her day.

General Imbecile Brute,

I write to you on this day to let you know of the first snow at the Little Palace. It makes quite the pretty paint...from the inside.

Also, I cannot stop thinking about you and your kiss, and I've been staring at the rose you gave me for such long amounts of time I fear my eyes will cross and I'll be stuck like that forever.

Please, tell me: do you feel the same? Mark 'yes' or 'no'.

Forever at your service,

Alina Starkov, Sun Summoner, Idiot.

Ps: You're not an imbecile, only a little rude; and you're not a brute, but some of your manners need polishing. Other than that, you're perfect.

Signed again,

Alina Starkov, she who lacks decency.

She looked at the letter, a low, prolonged, pitiful sound parting from her lips that turned into an animalistic groan. She grabbed the piece of paper, scrunched it into a small ball and threw it into her fireplace.

The snow covered the grounds of the Little Palace almost entirely, the lake would soon be completely frozen, and finalize the beautiful picture. Some Grisha were excited over the opportunity to skate. Alina had never done it, but Marie and Nadia promised to teach her.

From her horse, Alina moved uneasily. She still wasn't used to horse-riding, but Nina had invited her along with a few of her friends, who were all of different orders. It was a chance she wouldn't miss.

She tugged her kefta closer and held onto the reigns, advancing slowly along with the group, heading to the edges of the woods that surrounded the place.

A Fabrikator passed her a flask of kvas, and despite her dislike for the strong drink, Alina took it anyways and tried not to grimace as the liquid went down her throat.

If she were honest, she'd rather be inside the warm walls of her room in the Little Palace, chattering the afternoon away with Genya. She hadn't need to ask if the Tailor could join them at the stables; Alina was well aware of how little regard the other Grisha had for her -until they needed something-.

"I heard a few of you have been working on new keftas." she tried to make light conversation with the woman as she handed her her kvas back.

"Yes." she answered politely, "We're making a special fabric that should give us more freedom of movement during battle."

Alina rose her eyebrows. It wouldn't help her much if she didn't improve her fighting skills, but it was an interesting idea.

"How's it coming along?"

The woman tried to hide a grimace.

"It's complicated, but we're making some progress."

Alina smiled.

"Maybe you can tell me more about it during dinner." she suggested. "I, for once, would love a different type of trousers."

The woman smiled starkly, her blond hair getting on her face.

"They are rather stiff, aren't they?"

"I can barely flex my legs as it is."

The woman, whose name was Lada Alina remembered, agreed.

"I know. They're not suitable." she said in a strange tone, to which Alina gave her an odd, sideways look.

"Did you hear Zoya is back?" Fedyor interrupted, marching up to keep up with them.

Alina stared at him, groaned, and rolled her eyes.

"That's great." she said dryly.

Her absence was nice while it lasted.

"Maybe if I get under her skin and she attacks again, The General will send her off for a longer time. Or better yet, I could actually beat her."

Who was she kidding? Zoya was a formidable fighter, and Alina was just starting to win every now and then. Also, she suspected that Nina might have gone easy on her during their first sparring match a few weeks prior. She hadn't won against her ever since.

"Tell me about it." the woman in question said, rolling her eyes. "I don't understand her obsession with being on The General's inner circle."

"Says the one who is in the inner circle." Fedyor pointed out.

"Barely." Nina made a gesture with her hand, as if trying to rest importance to the matter. "Besides, it's not such a big deal. I don't know why everyone makes such a fuss about it."

"Well, the higher we are, the better we can protect other Grisha." Alina said, almost hesitantly. "I mean, if we have The General's ear, more ideas will flow about. I'm sure everyone has something to contribute to the cause."

"You don't need to worry about that, sun bean;" Nina smirked. "You're the Sun Summoner, it's likely he'll listen to you."

Alina's cheeks flushed as everyone in the group turned to stare at her.

"I think it's good to aim high;" Fedyor said, drifting the attention to himself, thanks the Saints. "As long as it's for the better of the Second Army."

Nina looked away and uttered something only Alina heard.

"Oh, yeah, betterment of forced servitude."

The Summoner stiffened on her saddle at the bitter words. Was Nina unhappy at the Little Palace? Why? She was one of the most powerful Grisha there; she lived in the most secured place in all Ravka, and her General held her in high regard.

A part of Alina wished she had never hidden her light. Maybe it would've been for the better to leave Keramzin, to leave Mal behind sooner.

It also made her think of someone who scarcely passed through her mind those days: her own mother.

She shook her head, ridding herself of such thoughts. She was thankful for the commodities and safe life she had at the Little Palace. Even if she was one of a kind, everyone else seemed to be adapting well to her, especially since she began to summon on her own and join in their little games by the lake.

She had been hesitant about it at first, but Genya insisted that going would be a great opportunity to both show her power and make allies.

"Besides, they won't believe you're a snob or a fraud if you show them a little." she had said, lazily lounging on a chair as they shared a nice tea one afternoon, while the queen took an especially long nap the very same day the Duke of Balakirev had arrived at court.

Lately, Alina felt more normal, and she was sure that her latest choices had a lot to do with it. From showcasing her powers, to sitting in different sections on different tables during meals and just talking normally about trivial things -even if those did exhaust her mind- and wearing an Etherealki kefta, she was more approachable, and the other Grisha seemed to slowly start to notice it too.

"It's not enough."

"We surely do deserve some more credit." she spoke, even if she didn't fully believe in the sentiment. The First Army was full of otkazat'sya, and they didn't have the advantages of bullet-proof clothing, private tents, furs for the winter and three decent meals per day.

It was all so difficult for Alina. She had once envied the advantages The Second Army possessed over The First, yet she couldn't deny there were other kinds of dangers for the Grisha, that not everything was perfect inside the walls of Os Alta.

Like the distrust of those who weren't like them, their fear, tamed only by their usefulness due only to the Black Heretic's greed.

All around her, her fellow Grisha nodded their agreements.

She wondered, briefly, what would Grisha life be like in Ravka if The Fold hadn't been created in the first place. What would happen if she ever managed to tear it down?

She didn't want to dwindle in those thoughts further.

With the Winter Fete approaching, everyone at the Little and Grand Palace seemed to buzz with all kinds of different energy. The servants were comprehensively nervous and stressed as they ran from one place to the other. Alina's fellow Grisha were either excited or indifferent, but none the less they all put the same amount of effort into practicing their yearly demonstration.

As for Alina herself, she had received the news that she was expected to showcase her power in front of the royal family and the other nobles of Ravka.

"The king wanted to throw a bigger party; invite diplomats from all continents and such, but General Kirigan insisted that it wasn't necessary yet." Genya said one afternoon, as Alina braided her hair.

She was seated very still, her eyes continuously darting from one side to the other as if trying to peek at her friend's work, concern etched on her face.

"He seems impatient." Alina commented, to which Genya huffed, accommodating her friend's new possessions on her vanity with a precision that seemed borderline obsessive.

"You have no idea. He can't wait to see the mighty Sun Summoner." she said, pouting and trying to imitate his deeper voice.

Alina frowned, said nothing, and continued braiding, her movements slowing but almost precise.

The Darkling

 Miss Starkov,

Due to my sudden absence, I had no time to notify you that I shall oversee your training personally from now on.

Being far away, I do not wish for you to stall, so I leave you some instructions on what to practice and how, and a few reading recommendations fo-

He leaned back in his chair and sighed.

He was being a fool, and he hated it.

Writing to her with instructions on how to practice her summoning was a foolish idea. She was barely starting and needed overseeing, and the only one besides himself who could help her was his mother, who remained bitter at the woman. He really wanted to know what Alina had said to Baghra to make her so upset.

He almost smiled, feeling something wickedly, childishly happy in his chest at the possibilities.

Tossing the letter into the fire, he leaned back in his chair.

Teaching her through letters would only lead to disaster, but how else would he know about her? How else could he earn her trust while being so far away?

Pathetic.

"Moi Soverennyi." Ivan presented himself, bowing before further entering his tent. He offered him an envelope. "A letter from the Grand Palace."

The Darkling took it and quickly read it, resisting the urge to roll his eyes. Although he had convinced the king that inviting foreign diplomats was not yet a good idea, the stupid man insisted that the Sun Summoner performed alongside the other Grisha. Alina was finally able to summon on her own, but he knew a part of her still feared her gift; putting on a show for an audience was not the best idea.

He…worried? for her?

"We will have to be back in time for the Winter Fete."

Ivan grunted. "I hate that thing."

The Darkling nodded in agreement. After all those centuries, he was more than bored of them. It was always the same waste of time and resources for his army, only to entertain the nobles for a few hours. As if they would not go back to turning their back on them the very next day.

Those fools often seemed to forget that his Grisha could have them for lunch if they so wanted it.

Privileged as The Second Army may seem, people were wary of them, even the nobles who lived in the surrounding areas.

"But they will not attempt anything so long as they need us."

"We have little choice, Ivan."

"We could always host it near The Fold and accidently push the royal family inside it." he said, sardonic as usual.

"Tempting." The Darkling smirked, setting the letter aside with little care.

The Heartrender stepped aside to allow him out, and The Darkling marched towards the river, where a few of his fabrikators were working on a new skiff. It wasn't nearly as grand as the one Alina had boarded that fateful day, but that was due to a different purpose.

There was a strange device being placed underneath it.

"Are you sure this will work?" he asked Petya.

The woman hesitated for the briefest moment, and The Darkling reminded himself internally to summon new graves for his Grisha.

"Such a pity." he thought, sincerely.

"Yes. So long as the Squaller sets a slow pace and nobody exerts themselves too much, they should be able to pass in relative tranquillity."

He had a feeling it would not work. His Grisha had already tried several times to cross through the river, but David Kostyk was sure his new invention would cancel out the soft sounds of the skiff against the water and dwindle the sounds of a heartbeat.

"Do not expect the path to be clear." he said.

"That is exactly why we're going, sir." a Squaller, Igor, approached and bowed. "If this works and we can clear the path, we should be able to make it to the other side eventually."

"Let us hope it does not take too many tries." he said.

Too many Grisha lives, he had wanted to say.

"David is rarely wrong, Moi Soverennyi." Petya said.

That was true. David was one of his best Grisha, which was why The Darkling tried to keep him inside the safety of the Little Palace's walls unless absolutely necessary.

Still, The Darkling though the plan stupid and a waste; but it was either that or forcing Alina into The Fold, and she was far from being ready to make a crossing, even through its thinnest point up north.

As a Squaller, a Heartrender, two Healers and two Inferni boarded the skiff, followed by a few strong otkazat'sya men from the First Army, The Darkling thought of David.

He thought of Alina.

And his thoughts returned to David.

With a sharp nod, he sent off the small team to do their last test and headed back to his tent, where he began to write a letter addressed to Mr. Kostyk.

Click here for chapter 8

#shadow and bone #shadow and bone fanfic #alina starkov #aleksander morozova #darklina #darklina fic #alina x darkling #alina x aleksander #genya safin #nina zenik #fedyor kaminsky #david kostyk

[btswishes]

Love me for who I am now

Bucky x Reader ( Chapter 4)

Previous / Next (5)

Summary: You apply for the Stark internship and end up getting it, so now you have 5 months to make a good impression to continue working with the Avengers.

A/N: Ok. I think I need to calm down with the descriptions a bit. They might be a bitt too much for everything. Good thing this is an experiment and a challenge for my damn bratty authors block. Sorry for any mistakes made, hope you enjoy it even a tiny bit.

Tag list: @vicmc624​

Word count:  3,305

Warmings: fights, harsh language, not part of the original MCU

Y/N- Your name                             

Y/L/N- Your Last Name                  

40s Vocabulary:  

killer diller - the best, amazing

grandstand - show off in a boastful manner

​snap your cap - get angry

flip your wig - lose your temper, lose control

                                   ----------------------------

   The compound was overthrown by silence, such a sweet melody combined with the sound of the nightly creatures, passing by at such heights. One would be surprised at what could even survive up here, at least the city was just a distant presence. The clock hit 12 as you closed the door of the lab behind yourself. After tiding up you decided to brush over some stuff, ending up just doing 3 more hours of work. Steve wouldn’t be happy to find out you did exactly what he expected.

  Your feet tiptoeing snuck around the halls, making sure no one noticed or got woken up by you. No sound came out, not even by your breath. You were expecting to see the glimmer of light from at least 2 rooms, but apparently no one was up. Palm against the metal of the door, it slid open ever so silently as its owner.

“Ah~…” you let out a deep breath, letting your body sink onto the bed- work books and empty laptop bag on the covers under your right hand. Replenishing the oxygen, you took in the smell of the sheets. A mix of fresh, crisp mountains with a hint of floral tones.

       Knock knock

   Your head came up first, allowing the guest access to your room, before pushing half your body up with hands firmly pressed into the bedding. The hissing sound of the door revealed a head pocking from the side, illuminated slightly by the dim lighting coming from inside.

“Am I bothering?” the female voice asked

“Um no, actually I just came from the lab.” You explained, beginning to identify the owner of the rich voice slowly

“Come over to my room then.” blunt and direct, a woman that never beat around the bush. Something you wanted to be able to do as well sometimes

“Nat!” another sweet note flew into your room, rapidly cutting off the residual command “You are supposed to ask her if she wants to come, not demand. She could be tired.”

“Oh come on.” Natasha looked back at the second companion, reading her a lecture in the corridor “She can say no.” with the corner of her eye she was indirectly actuating you in her favor. Agent habits die…well - never.

“ I am a night owl so if you don’t mind I would love to join you.” Still whispering in case someone woke up, you were pulled out from your room by the two women. It felt like a blink of an eye when you found yourself cross-legged on the soft mattress. The situation was not expected and very much tense for you. Soft tapping sounds of rain filled the room, creating a cozy ambiance. Natasha was leaning onto her elbow - body sideways, while Wanda was completely laying onto her stomach- both looking at you.

“Relax.” Natasha tapped your shoulder. It felt almost like magic when your body did exactly that, well maybe it was since Wanda’s hand flashed a bit. I don’t think anyone would complain about the sudden stress relieve. Compared to your pretty empty living quarters this place showed the years spend. The color of the wall was a warm light tone of dark amber. Combined with the wooden style furniture and small knickknacks, it had a warm cabin like feeling - welcoming. You did not regret coming here at all, now that you were situated. And the rain, the light drops just added so much to this, almost like you were on vacation in the woods and star-gazing with your closest friends.

“So, how did it go with Mr. Always Grumpy?” Wanda uttered below you, attention spilling out of her very existence

“Bucky?” you asked strings pulling a nod from both of them “Thought so.” sighing, your elbows dug into the soft cover supporting your upper body “ He just threw a tantrum that ended up with him almost choking me out on the spot and not in the good way. Fixed his arm though. ”you added proud of the last sentence

“Wait, wait.” Natasha swung her hands side to side in front of her face in disbelieve “He let you fix his shoulder? No, no let me rephrase that. James Buchanan Barnes let you touch him? Someone he doesn’t know?”

“How?” Wanda sat up in a split second, making the bed shift a bit from the kinetic energy applied to it

“Simple.” Your pointer finger flung up positioned between your eyebrows, before pointing at the two women “Treat him like a moody antisocial child.” A wide evil smirk tugged from side to side onto your lips “ I just told him that if he doesn’t get it fixed he will be a burden on the next mission. For someone trying to erase his past by doing good deeds and being useful, this was like a jab to his ego.”

“That…” Wanda’s fingers wrapped around her chin, letting her sink in thought “…that makes a lot of sense honestly. I would have never come up with that.”

“Enough about fossil number 2.” Natasha clapped her hands “Since we will be neighbors from now on, let’s go around and do a short introduction happy campers.”

“I will go first.” Wanda rose her hand beginning “Wanda Maximoff here, your teammate living right in front of you.”

“You can just call me Nat, no need for formalities, Captain’s orders.” She joked

“I mean for me just Wanda is ok.”

“I guess the introduction is directed more towards me.” A giggle rung out “ Y/N Y/L/N, studying in Stark University with a very weird past, that I can’t explain to myself either. Your new neighbor and teammate from what I can gather. Pleasure to make -“ too formal you thought to yourself, it was time to let go a bit “Nice to meet yall.”

  You found yourself getting along with the girls much faster than with anyone else in the compound. Maybe it was because you didn’t have an awkward first confrontation with any of them or a choking one.

“By the way.” You lured them back with your voice “Tony said something about me using the gym. What’s all that about? ”

  The two turned to each other questioning for a moment, before deciding that it wouldn’t hurt to know what Tony was mixing in his little pot of mischief – had to get used to it sooner or later.

“He is testing an Avengers new generation program on you.” Nat concluded from their numerous conversations about you prior to your arrival or, as a matter of fact, even your application acceptance “The gym is for well, to make sure you don’t die on missions.”

“Ok, hol’ up hol’ up.” Your eyes squeezed shut when your hands waved air side to side “Not only am I a ‘build an avenger’ type of deal, but I will be going on missions?!”

  Their non verbal agreement pulling a deep and already exhausted sigh out of you. It hadn’t even began and your muscles were in pain. You got yourself in this mess, you kind of wanted it so no backing down now. Your pride wouldn’t let you.

  The rest of the night was filled with jokes, snarky comments about the men in the compound. Natasha had dirt on almost all of them with the occasional help of Wanda. The three troublesome birdies soon fell asleep each in her own corner of the bed, till later in the night when you huddled up. The window in Natasha’s room was the main culprit causing you to ball one next to the other.

  Light slowly creeping into the common room and welcoming the men stumbling early for a cup of coffee - drowsy and very much looking like bird nests. Tony dressed in his fancy pjs was quick in his preparations, while Sam and Steve were still waiting next to the bubbling machine, on each side of it. Arms crossed, pressed against firm muscles and fighting the sleep.

“Morning early birds.” Tony teased Sam when Bucky’s heavy steps passed behind the playboy. He looked the most awake and ready for a mission out of everyone. Steve pulled out a couple of mugs and poor the hot dark liquid, passing 2 out to his buddies.

  Peace covered them like a comfort veil, sips frequently reminding that time was indeed still flowing and not paused. Boredom began crawling up their spines, when Bruce’s emerging presents lit them up. The need for some vibrancy was soaking into the air.

“What is up with the serious atmosphere?” he asked grabbing one of the cups resting on the bar.

“Something is missing here.” Sam pushed his lips to the side speaking of things everyone noticed “It’s...too quiet.”

“F.R.I.D.A.Y.?” Tony released his grip on the mug, resting it on the table

Yes Sir?

“Where are the rest of us?”

If you are speaking of Miss Maximoff, Miss Romanoff and Miss Y/L/N they are still in bed.

“I know I buy the best beds, but this is a bit too much.” Tony got up and walked over to Wanda’s room, knocking on the door. He waited for an answer, but none was given. His head pocked in just for his eyes to be met with emptiness.

“F.R.I.D.A.Y. where are they?” Tony stomped over to your room, which was in the same condition maybe a bit emptier since you were a new arrival

In Miss Romanoff’s room Sir.

“All of them?” Steve pushed his hips off the counter, tall figure stalking after Tony.

Yes Sir.

  The door slid open and Steve almost choked out a loud laugh at the sight. The three of you were cuddled up like stray cats trying to keep warm during the cold winter days, waiting for an owner to come and pick you up. Hands pushing his lips closed, Steve snuck in closing the open window. As simple as the action was it released a calming moan from one of you, the space already getting warmer.

“I don’t have the heart to wake them up.” Bruce announced with a cheerful whisper 

“Yeah, keep them like that.” Sam pulled out his phone and started taking pictures

“What are you doing?” Bucky’s body leaning onto the doorframe, the newest member to this room-visit

“What does it look like tin can arm?” clicking sounds bouncing off the wall “Getting some dirt on Nat. The amount of blackmail material she has on me is too much.”

“Ok, you had your fun bird brain.” Bucky grabbed Sam’s hand and pulled the phone way from your resting figures, specifically you.

“Calm down you two.” Steve tried to pull them away and out of the small space

“What got your panties twisted?” Sam’s body stood up confidant, clenching the muscles being wrapped by the cold vibranium plates “The Winter Soldier look is showing on that smug face of yours.” The dark glistening skin pushed closer to Bucky as he was almost picking a fight “ Shit, if I didn’t know better I would say someone was whispering them trigger words of yours.” 

  Sam finally had something to use for revenge, but this whole righteous behavior of Bucky was spoiling his fun. The rest of the guys felt the pressure accumulating around the menacing men “Zhelaniye and Semnadtsat something like that right? Oh wait that is right~...Wakanda whipped your ass clean.” The awful Russian accent awoke Natasha, but feeling the heavy air she decided to wait her time to get those pictures back. Sly one.

 The words were loud enough for everyone to wait for Bucky’s reaction.

“Rzhaviy or some shit li-“ the word crept inside your ear together with the sentence beforehand. Your left hand decided that the position it was in wasn’t comfortable anymore, swinging your left foot in the opposite direction. Hands pushing off the bed with a rough creek, let your left knee hook onto Sam’s neck – body hanging like a chain in front of him. Your fingers didn’t waste time to snake around his own calves pulling them up.

“Wha-!” Sam gasped when the heels of your feet pushed his shoulders back – head hitting the soft carpet with a loud thud and grunt. There was no time to take a breath for the poor man before your arms locked the air in his throat.

  Natasha grabbed the phone quickly and deleted whatever she could find about herself, while everyone else sat stunned.

“I give- I give- up!” Sam tried squeezing the words out of his mind as he began tapping the floor and your elbow.

“I got the pics Y/N.”Nat waved the phone at you, but your hands began to tighten around his neck. Sam was starting to turn colors his skin wasn’t supposed to have.

“Y/N!” Bucky growled out loud and commanding, shacking up the whole room. It felt like a bubble popped from in front of you, body jolting at the voice.

“Ha?” your lips fell open as your body relaxed, letting Sam finally suck in so much ai,r the covers on Natsha’s bed almost went inside his mouth. Your jaw closed just so your throat could swallow a bit of spit seeing as it was feeling dry, before it opened back up. Sam’s body heat pulled your gaze down to him when you started to register the situation.

“Oh God!” you pulled away from him, apologies spilling out of you, too many in a second “I was sleepwalking again!”

  Dumbfound, that was exactly the expression on everyone’s face hearing you say that. You were used to your nightly habits, even your family found it natural at this point.

“Usually when I have nightmares I either mumble or sleepwalk.” Trying to explain yourself didn’t change what everyone was feeling.

“OW!” Steve screeched out upon feeling Tony’s fingers pinch his arm

“I am not dreaming am I? You all saw that too.” He felt Cap swat his hand away sending a warm wave of pain through his limb

“Test it on yourself next time!” he hissed

“I call that sleep fighting not walking.” Bruce pitched in feeling left out “You are trying to tell us you are…used to this?” your head nodded, roughed up hair flying back and forth

“My mom calls them night terrors. Tried to get help for it, but I guess the only one who could help me was my uncle. One of the reasons why I spend so much time with him.” You grinned trying to get out of this mess as fast as possible with less casualties

“I am stopping this now.”Tony threw his hands in the air “I am not awake enough to deal with all this...and that tiny assassin.” You followed him hastily to the kitchen whipping yourself a cup of tea and flying over to one of the seats. The rest of the Avengers followed your stumbling figure out of the room – slow steps, a mix of amazement and confusion, pain for some. Sam sat on the couch pretty far from you, keeping quiet. Your eyes scanned the room waiting for someone to say something or to cut the thick atmosphere with a butter knife.

“Can I take Y/N over from Nat?” Steve was the hero in this moment . Tony waved his hand, swallowing his almost cold coffee

“Do what you want, I am not capable of decisions right now.” The screeching floor yelped under the chair’s feet. Sam followed Bucky out the room, after Tony announced his departure. 

“Come with me kid.” Steve’s heavy yet warm hand fond your tense shoulder muscles. Your body jumped and followed the man like a small chick behind its mother. You ran to your room taking a quick shower, a dash of deodorant and putting on workout clothes. Washing yourself before sweating made no sense, but the warmth tended to relax you. Taking into consideration the amount of stress you were feeling for awhile now – it felt good.

  The gym was maybe 3 levels before the floor you lived on, information revealed to you in the not so comfortable awkward ride with the elevator. The doors slid open unveiling a whole new world. Stylish…there is nothing you could say at this point but Tony owned it, it talked for itself. Steve told you to leave the duffle bag onto a bench and come to the equipment. 

“Have you used any of these?” he pointed at the machines and you shook your head. You knew about them from youtube videos and maybe 1 or 2 gym visits, but saying up right being able to use them properly was questionable. “Ok, let’s start with a quick evaluation of your body’s capabilities.”

  With the corner of your eyes you could see Bucky lifting an absurd amount of weights – super soldier let’s not forget that again. You started first with the bar without anything on it, before Steve began adding. You were struggling, which made him know when to stop piling stuff and changing the muscle groups. What felt like 2 hours later he gave you a small break, walking over to his friend to spot him.

  A dust cloud swirled around the metal arm before the weights floated in the air. Once more finding yourself eyeing him head to toe – his arms were glistening from the sweat droplets forming onto them. The t-shirt was tightly clinging on his muscles like glue was applied to them previously. His hair fixed to patches of his lovable face. That untamed beard and ice blue eyes made his existence mirror that of a Greek God statue. Fingers tingling around your water bottle unknowingly wishing to touch him, before noticing Steve walking up to you – not before Bucky’s eyes met yours for a split second for who knows what time.

“He is a killer diller aint he.” The blonde snickered at your flushed face, being caught staring. Taking a quick drink from your bottle ,you stood up and threw it to Steve

“Grandstand.” you coughed out at the man leaving him stunned in place from what just erupted from your mouth “You coming?” you coaxed him successfully.

  Aside from the small playful teasing Cap tried to play on you,F on his best friend’s back - training was though. He wasn’t going easy on you, ass hitting the floor one too many times for your liking. You could already feel the bruises coloring your skin a midnight blue with a hint of a bloody red.

“Time out!” puffing out the words with the last liter of air left inside your lungs “I-I can’t Steve.” The dull thudding sound your legs made hitting the mat echoed in the big gym. It was loud enough to wake up the dead.

“That is enough for today. You did surprisingly well. Don’t you think Mr. Grandstrand?” a towel flung on top of your head turning off the lights in your mind. With a trembling hand you pulled it off to look at the one and only Sergeant, looming over you. Steve’s words summoned a low groan from Bucky filled with annoyance.

“Hey now, don’t snap your cap.” A type of teasing only possible between friends gone through decades and countless near death situations. The towel was soft enveloped in a calming and nostalgic smell. Having gained some of your strength back, your palms pushed off the floor with a fling. For a moment your demeanor mirrored that of Steve, calmly tapping Bucky’s back and throwing him a playful look, that of years long pals.

“Come on cap, don’t tease him that much. He gonn’ flip his wig soon.” The sentence dripping with a heavy old school Brooklyn accent. No war could prepare them both for this one sided conversation they just witnessed.

“Did she just?” Bucky pointed at you, finger hovering in the direction of your disappearing body silhouette.

“I don’t know man.” 

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[jinterlude]

Protecting Each Other

↳ Header created by the amazingly talented @kimtaehyunq from the BHQ’s Banner Request Board.

—Pairing: Seokjin x OC (Sumin) —Genre(s): The Last of US!AU, Zombie Apocalypse!AU, Fluff, Romance, Angst, Fantasy, Slight-Action, & Slight-Humor —Warning(s) / Rating: zombies, semi-graphic description of violence (mainly shooting and killing zombies), weapons (guns and a sword), light graphic description of injuries, blood, brief mentions/hints of deaths of a loved one, light suggestive moments (mainly making out), & swearing / 18+  —Word Count: 16K —Summary: In just one year, the virus swept the planet, destroying everything and everyone in its path and drastically changing the world. However, at least one thing is for certain—Seokjin & Sumin will always have each other.    

—A/N: The moment you guys have been waiting for! It is the release of my BB Summer Collaboration Fic! Cue the cheers and confetti! I’m quite proud of myself with how this turned out! I would like to thank my soup friend and forever my number one supporter, Jey @softjeon. It is because of her that this story even came to be the way it is, so this story is dedicated to her. 

↬ It is also dedicated to my amazing people: @jinned​​, @hobiance​​, @j-sope​​, @mindays​​​, @ppersonna​​​, @miamorjoon​​​, @parksfilter​​​, & @mygsii​​​. Thank you guys for supporting me and just cheering me on when I needed it. You are truly one of a kind. ↫

» Feedback is always appreciated and thanks for giving my story a chance!  

Destruction. That single word echoed in Sumin's mind frequently—on an endless loop. The faint smell of burnt and decaying flesh invaded her poor nostrils as the exhausted young woman carefully maneuvered around the lifeless bodies. Her eyes surveyed her current surroundings, noting how colorless the world had become. How the suffocating silence circled her, engulfing her entire body. Oh, how she missed the times where the sounds of laughter and lively chatter greeted her like a dear old friend. Instead, it was either the painful silence or agonizing screams that said, "hello," to her.

No longer did she see the vibrant colors that caught her attention before the outbreak began. Shifting her gaze downwards, she noted her attire. A faint yet amused smirk formed on her lips as she thought about the irony of her previous observation. She, too, no longer wore bright colors. Now, she wore all black from head to toe.

Her leather jacket? Black.

Her shredded jeans? Black.

Shoes? Black.

Every article of clothing that covered her bruised and wounded body was dark. Well, at least she'd be ready to pay her respects if someone close to her tragically died.

Now, standing in front of a man, who's currently crouched down catching his breath, Sumin remained on high alert. Her right hand gripped the hilt of her Japanese sword to the point that her knuckles turned white. Meanwhile, her left hand held the trusty semi-automatic pistol in front of her. Her index finger rested nicely on the trigger—ready to pull it back at even the faintest snarl heard. She needed to be prepared to fall into action. She couldn’t afford to falter because if she did, then it would cost her significantly. Her hesitation would cost her the life of the person who was the keeper of her heart. She would lose her long-time companion—Seokjin.

Protecting that man was the reason she needed to stay alive. Sadly, he was her only reason to do so. Her family and friends had tragically died one-by-one over the years. To be exact, it was ten years. Ten fucking years since this outbreak came into the picture. Ten fucking years since the zombie attack destroyed any ounce of normalcy she established since she was a child. Then, in a blink of an eye, it was gone, vanished with a snap of someone's fingers.

Only her boyfriend remained by her side, and the protective young woman prepared to do everything and anything to ensure it stayed that way.

As Sumin continued to stare into the fog, searching for any strange shadows, her eyes picked up a faint sound. Her breath hitched as she clutched her weapons, prepared to attack at any second. Suddenly, she felt a presence behind her. Then, out of the corner of her eye, she noticed a hand. Without a second thought, she swiftly turned around, pointing her pistol at the person's forehead. At the same time, the blade of her sword pressed into the intruder's neck.

But then, she dropped her weapons, both of the lethal items dangled by her side. A long sigh of relief exited her lips as the exhausted Sumin gave the person a dirty look.

"Jesus, Seokjin. I could've easily slaughtered you. You know that right." She scolded the young man, who only chuckled in response, which further irritated her.

Seokjin wrapped an arm around her shoulder, pulling her close as he planted a sweet kiss on her temple.

Sumin grimaced and pushed him away, "Ew. I'm all sweaty and bloodied up, Jinnie. No kissing until you and I shower," and just as she finished her statement, she dreaded it instantly. This sense of mischievousness twinkled in his eyes. His lips formed this playful smirk.

Oh, boy. Those two features never made a great combination in Sumin's book. If anything, what came next always left her either a blushing mess that couldn't string a coherent sentence together or chasing the idiot and threatening to punch him.

Silently, she prayed it would be the latter. Sumin wanted to make sure that she could still punch an undead person.

"Jinnie..." She began, forcing a sweet smile on her filthy face, "You better choose your next words carefully or else."

Seokjin's smirk grew, "I don't know what you're talking about sweetheart," He took a step forward, "I was about to suggest something that any loving boyfriend would do for his wonderful girlfriend." He shrugged as his eyes flickered towards Sumin for a moment.

Sumin's breath hitched but soon composed herself.

"Oh, so that's how he wants to play. Game on, Jinnie boy..." She amusingly thought, nodding her head slowly as an alluring smile crept on her face.

Without any warning, Sumin turned the pistol's safety on and tried to fire the gun as a precaution. She then tucked the firearm away in her thigh holster. She secured her prized weapon in its confinement, whistling softly to herself.

As she did that, this unsettling sensation washed over Seokjin's body. His heart raced as if he ran away from a hoard of starving zombies. He suddenly felt parched as Sumin continued to instill fear in him. Her body crouched as she tightened the shoelaces on her boots. How completely still she was as she did something so minuscule. His eyes continued studying her body language, noting how completely balanced she was. He subtly tilted his head, hoping to get a better look at his princess.

"Speaking of ass..." His eyes drifted down Sumin's back, but he forced himself out his unholy thoughts, "Wait, now is not the time to be checking out your girlfriend, Seokjin." He shook his head furiously. His ears perked up at the random sound Sumin made as she stood up. She dusted off her torn jeans before turning her body towards him. An overly sweet smile greeted the scared man.

Seokjin flashed a smile, chuckling nervously at her as he swallowed his saliva; his Adam's apple bobbed a few times. Sadly, it only made him thirstier.

His tongue swept the bottom of his dry lips. Then, he spoke,

"Princess," He began, clearing his dry throat, "Are you preparing for another battle with the undead?" A nervous chuckle escaped his lips, "You know, the more you whistle, the more anxious I become. Do you want that, Sumin? Do you want to be dealing with a nervous boyfriend while we fight for our lives? I think not!" He finished his rather dramatic yet short monologue.

Sumin's face went poker-faced as she nodded her head slowly. No words escaped her lips, maintaining the eerie silence that surrounds the environment. Her eyes narrowed as she homed in on her target. She cracked her neck, releasing the tension in her muscles as she took a step toward the poor man.

As she stepped forward, Seokjin stepped backward. The attractive couple continued this rather odd dance for a few minutes until - suddenly - Seokjin grabbed his pack and bolted away from the menacing young lady.

Sumin bolted after him, shouting at him to stop being such a coward and face her like a real man. Though, she was careful not to alert any enemies of their presence. The last thing she wanted to deal with, on top of Seokjin behaving like a child, was a mob of ravenous zombies.

Yup...definitely not on her nonexistent to-do list.

With her lungs practically begging for air, Sumin refused to let that man escape her grasps. She easily dodged the low hanging branches while keeping her eye on the prize. The prize of closing the gap between her and Seokjin, so she could punch the living shit out of him. What made the situation funnier was that Seokjin taunted her endlessly. Each insult that spewed out of that gorgeous man's mouth fueled her desire - that competitive drive - to tackle him to cold hard concrete.

Then, as if God answered her wish, Sumin's eyes gleamed with excitement as she focused her attention on his perfectly still body.

"HA! I knew you'd stop being such a little bitch and take my punch like a mature adult!" She exclaimed as she jogged up to him. Just as she drew back her fist, she swiftly caught on to Seokjin's odd expression. No longer did he wear this playful mask but now dawned an emotion that Sumin thought she'd never see again.

Complete and utter disbelief.

Carefully, Sumin placed a warm hand on the young man's broad shoulder; her eyes dripped with concern.

"Jinnie..." The concerned lady began but was soon interrupted.

"Do you know where we are, Sumin?"

"I...uh..."

"Imagine everything lit up. The entrance sign lit so brightly that blinded anyone who dared to stare directly at it. Now, add the sounds of the arcade and carnival games going off every second as loud chatter mixes in with the lively atmosphere. Children that scattered all over the fairgrounds as they ran towards their parents, screaming from excitement as they begged their parents to win them yet another gigantic stuffed animal."

Sumin still didn't quite understand what Seokjin was talking about until he said,

"Look at the broken-down stand in the far-right corner," He pointed in that specific direction, "You see those beaten up stuffed animals?" He asked as he intertwined their fingers together. He then guided the two of them towards the row of carnival games. The unhappy pair carefully maneuvered around the fallen debris, planning their steps accordingly. The last thing they wanted to do was deal with one of them having a broken ankle.

The more Seokjin and Sumin adventured down the row of destroyed carnival games, the more Sumin's face became solemn as sadness washed over her entire body. Her jaw clenched, and her breath hitched. She couldn't believe it. She took in every single torn down - practically shredded - dull banners as she passed the poorly maintained game stands. The same game stands she and Seokjin used to frequent every summer and the reason she came home with a massive pile of stuffed animals. It was thanks to that lovesick fool that she no longer had space in her closet for her cuddly friends. At the same time, it was because of those soft stuffed animals that got her hooked on Seokjin's charms in the first place.

God, the more she reminisced about her countless summer spent at this fair, the more she became depressed. However, she couldn't stop thinking about those specific moments in her life. After all, those days led her to the man that she absolutely could never imagine living her life without him.

"I wonder if this place was the first to go?" asked Sumin, voicing her innermost thoughts as her doe-like gaze switched to Seokjin. She noted how tight his jaw was as if he tried his hardest to maintain his composure.

"I hope not..." He trailed on as he continued to survey his surroundings, "Though, it wouldn't surprise me if it was since the annual summer fair always drew in a massive crowd." He finished, letting out a soft, airy chuckle.

The corners of her lips curved upward as Sumin read his mind.

"Yeah. Kind of how it drew us together for the very first time, right?"

"What do you mean, kind of drew us together? It matched two beautiful people together."

Sumin's face fell, "Are you sure? Because I remember our fateful meeting quite differently."

Seokjin gawked. He couldn't believe the words that came out of his princess' mouth.

"Oh, do tell how that day went, then, Minnie

"Gladly...!" She exclaimed with an intriguing twinkle in the corner of her eyes.

Seokjin scoffed playfully, "Oh, I can't wait to hear this."

The petite young female shot an irritated look at the attractive man before beginning her tale.

"Well, as you know, it started on that Friday evening. You had just gotten out of her last class of the week and..."  Sumin trailed on. Her words echoed in the back of Seokjin's mind as he, too, recalled their meeting so vividly.

For the twentieth time that evening, Sumin checked her appearance using her front-facing camera. Her trembling hands ran through her beach curled hair, positioning it in a way that made her look charming yet radiated innocence. It wasn't every day that she was set up on a blind date by a good friend of hers. However, she wasn't a stranger to the dating scene, so why did she feel so damn nervous? Why did her heart pound against her chest as if she ran from her house to the fairgrounds?

Suddenly a look of complete and utter dread washed over her face as this horrendous thought implanted itself in her frenzied mind. Without a second thought, Sumin subtly smelled herself, praying to every God known to man that her sweet rose perfume still lingered around her body. She sneakily raised her arms and took a quick whiff under her armpits.

"Oh, thank God. My tropical fruit-scented deodorant is still working." She thought as this massive sigh of relief exited her lips. She dropped her arm, and as she raised her head, her eyes went round. Her breath hitched as this feeling of embarrassment hit her like a tidal wave.

"Please don't be my blind date. Please don't be my blind date." She repeatedly chanted as a drop-dead gorgeous man started walking up to her. With every footstep, he slowly closed the gap between them, and as he closed that distance, Sumin's anxiety increased. The butterflies in the pit of her stomach flew into a flurry, which only caused the poor young girl to smile nervously. She also chuckled softly as she awkwardly waved her hand.

"Great. Now, that handsome fellow is going to think I'm this huge doofus." She mused as she quickly mustered the sweetest smile and introduced herself.

"Nice to meet you, Sumin. I'm Seokjin, but my friends call me Worldwide Handsome." The handsome fellow greeted back, playfully winking at her as he displayed this thousand-watt smile.

Sumin became lost for words. She slightly parted her mouth as she wrapped her mind around the fact that this attractive man seriously said that his friends called him "Worldwide Handsome." Her eyes flickered with annoyance before switching back to politeness.

But before she could ask him if he was serious, Seokjin beat her to it.

"I'm kidding. My friends don't call me that," Another wave of relief washed over Sumin, but once she heard Seokjin's next sentence, that moment of peace was over, "I call myself that. I've been spending my entire high school career trying to get my tasteless friends to admit that I'm good looks are enough for me to hold the title of 'Worldwide Handsome.'"

Out of nowhere, Sumin felt a slight twitch in her right eye. Her body heated up. Her breathing grew heavy as her nostrils flared slightly.

Yeah, they didn't even get past the formalities., and his words ended the date right there.

As the irked young lady opened her mouth, ready to apologize to him that she wanted to end the date, a high-pitch noise emitted from his lips. It was almost as if she activated her car's windshield wipers.

"Oh, my God, I can't keep this charade up any longer," He paused, continuing his fit of laughter. The laughter grew too much for him as he clutched the sides of his stomach. "Congrats, princess. You passed." He vaguely announced, further irritating Sumin.

The serious honey-brown haired woman stared at the tall immature man through slit eyes. Her mind battled if she should ask him to clarify or not. Part of her - scratch that - most of her wanted to go home, but, sadly, the curious side got the best of her, so she asked Seokjin what he meant by his strange words.

The towering, well-dressed man cleared his throat, "Well, my young and surprisingly beautiful princess, what I meant is that you passed the, 'can this potential girlfriend handle my arrogant side and be honest with her reaction rather be fake?' test." He answered, keeping this calm tone of voice.

Suddenly, Seokjin shot Sumin with a playful wink, as he dug out his wallet from the pocket of his light pastel blue zipper hooded sweatshirt. A faint, "ah-ha," escaped his plump lips as he waved his black leather wallet in front of the unamused female.

Sumin raised her brow, finding Seokjin's actions odd and silently berating herself for not going home yet. She couldn't quite put her finger on it, but something in the back of her head told her to continue humoring the princely idiot.

Her conscience had better be right.

"Is that your hint that you want me to pay for our entrance tickets?" inquired Sumin as she prepared to dig for her wallet in her cotton candy-colored purse. However, as her fingertips grazed the zipper of the wallet, Seokjin gently grasped her wrists. For a split second, a single strand of electricity shot up through her right arm, igniting the nerves that laid beneath.

The longer Seokjin touched her wrist, the more Sumin's cheeks became heated. Just this once, Sumin was glad that it was Summer. She could easily blame the heat on her flushed cheeks, and not the fact that she felt this unspeakable spark between them.

Not wanting to become a blushing mess, Sumin gently tore her hand away from his grasp—much to Seokjin's dismay. Unknown to her, but he felt that spark as well. Never in his years of dating other women did he feel the same that Sumin did. The kicker was that she didn't even know that she had this hold - this magnetic pull- over him. Seriously. She could ask him to tell his friend Jungkook that he sucked at bowling, and he would gladly do it even though it was a death wish in doing so.

Wait, what happened? Where did those thoughts come from as he usually would never think about that, especially towards a woman he had just met? Pushing the confusion away, Seokjin lightly shook his head and plastered a sincere smile on his attractive face.

"Anyway, since we are losing daylight, why don't we go inside the fairgrounds, and yes, I'm gonna pay for your ticket. Don't argue with me on that, okay?" He kindly suggested as he maintained the wicked smile that caused both men and women to swoon over him.

Sumin chuckled, "Alright, you can pay for my entrance ticket, but I'm gonna pay you back by winning you a stuffed animal, cool?" She said with a sunny, innocent smile.

Seokjin's body slightly froze as he thought, "Okay, she might have beaten me in terms of having a smile that caused hearts to skip a beat," He quickly pulled himself back into reality and agreed to Sumin's suggestion.

Though, it wouldn't result in her trying to win him a stuffed alpaca. An hour into their date, Sumin wanted to succeed at winning him that cuddly stuffed alpaca but kept losing at the ring toss. Refusing to give up, the stubborn young lady shelled out another ten-dollar bill and slammed it on the wooden counter.

"Alright, Seokjin, prepare to- wait, what are you doing?" She questioned as Seokjin took the tiny plastic ring from her dainty hands.

The equally as determined man positioned himself in front of her and said,

"I'm gonna win you that alpaca, princess," He stretched his right arm, warming up his muscles, "So, prepare to be amazed by my professional throwing skills!" He announced; his voice was almost loud enough to be overheard by every single person at the carnival.

Sumin giggled softly, shaking her head playfully. Then, a brilliant yet bold idea popped into her mind.

With a seductive grin painted on her lips, Sumin stood on the tips of her toes and courageously planted a kiss on Seokjin's cheek. On the outside, Sumin appeared calm as a clam. However, on the inside, it felt like there was a tornado in the pit of her stomach. Then, a feeling of regret followed, but Sumin pushed it away. A good friend of hers told Sumin that she needed to be confident and more flirtatious. Now, she hoped that her friend's advice paid off.

"I'm sorry if that was too forward, I thought you could use a kiss for good luck?" Sumin quickly apologized, averting her gaze. Her cheeks became flushed as the bashful woman messed with the hem of her dress.

Then, a hand clamped over hers before the cold sweat from her hands left an embarrassing stain.

Sumin's eyes trailed upward and soon widened with how close Seokjin's face was. He was so close that their noses were merely inches away from bumping into each other.

As the doe-eyed Sumin parted her mouth to speak, Seokjin gently pressed his right index finger on her lips. Sumin's gaze flickered to his hand, noticing the plastic ring hanging on his pinky.

"First, thank you for that sweet kiss. It granted me all the luck in the world needed to win these rigged carnival games," He removed his index finger and stood up straight, "Second, now I'm even more determined to win you that alpaca so that I can get another kiss. Perhaps, this time, maybe on the lips?" He flirted, winking at her before he turned his back towards her and prepared to play the ring toss game.

Sumin mustered enough courage and composed herself.

"Let's talk after you win me, RJ."

"RJ?"

"Yeah, that's going to be the name of our cuddly stuffed animal."

Seokjin chuckled at how adorable Sumin was.

"Okay, RJ, it is."

Sumin cheered as she shook her hands in excitement, eager to hug the alpaca.

Her cheers faded into the back of his mind as Seokjin gently pulled himself away from that beautiful memory. It honestly felt so real to him. The smell of deep-fried food lingered around his nostrils while the sounds of Sumin's cute protests echoed in his ears. A reminiscent smile formed on his gorgeous face as he recalled the events that happened after he successfully won her RJ. She dragged him around each food stand and paid for any item that they wanted to try together, though Seokjin offered to pay for the more expensive food items. However, being the stubborn woman that she was, Sumin swatted his hands every time he reached for his wallet.

To this day, he could still feel the stinging sensation on the backs of his hands. Who would've thought that his princess had some strength to her?

"Why are you rubbing your hand, Jinnie?" Sumin's voice pulled Seokjin away from his thoughts. He glanced down and low and behold; he did rub his hand as if she smacked his hand a few minutes before. He ceased his odd action and then threw a warm and loving arm around Sumin's shoulders and pulled her close.

"Don't worry about it, princess, but I still think that you told some aspects of our first date incorrectly." He teased with a lop-sided grin. "If I remember that night correctly, it was I who tried out the ring toss stand first," He playfully tapped Sumin's nose, "And it was you came to my aid like the breathtakingly goddess protector I know you are." He finished before innocently pecking her sweet lips.

Sumin playfully rolled her eyes as the corner of her mouth curved upward. She then lightly shoved her foolish boyfriend, creating space between them.

"Anyway, where should we go next? We still need to find these so-called, 'Fireflies,' if we want any answers on this cure." She asked, surveying the abandoned fairgrounds. Her eyes flickered from every direction, ensuring that there weren't any abnormal shadows nearby.

A faint hum emitted from Seokjin's mouth as he, too, looked around. Then, something captured his attention as he was about to finish his search. He quickly focused his gaze onto the Ferris-wheel as he annoyingly pushed Sumin, repeatedly telling her to look into the distance.

The annoyed honey-brown haired girl lightly slapped his hand away, demanding that he stop being weird.

"I can't help it. You just make me a fool for you, Minnie." Seokjin flirted, causing his girlfriend to gag.

"I swear you are too much sometimes," She readjusted the strap that held her Katana, "But, when you want to, you do spout some intellectual things," She smiled brightly at Seokjin, "Let's head towards that Ferris-wheel and use it as our vantage point." She suggested, which of course, Seokjin agreed as he laced his fingers with hers. Then, the two hiked over to the gigantic wheel, hoping that it could give them some form of a clue.

Minutes later, the duo arrived in front of the rusty Ferris-wheel. The curious young woman broke away from her boyfriend as this strange magnetic pull forced her to step towards the poorly maintained ride. Her fingers grazed the rough cold metal as Sumin noted both the rust and vines that surrounded the wheel.

"It's so strange..." muttered the shocked girl as she stepped back.

Seokjin slowly nodded, unsure what to say next as specific memories plagued his mind. Thoughts of him and Sumin passing by this very Ferris-wheel as he begged her to go on it with him. Whenever he explained to Sumin why they had to ride this attraction, he always told her that it was part of the book of romance. Naturally, his sweetheart demanded that she sees this book so that she could see that so-called rule. The more he thought of that event, the more he chuckled.

His princess was always the skeptical one, but that made their relationship refreshing. They never behaved like any other couple, and he wouldn't want it any other way.

As he forced himself away from his beautiful memories of his lovely lady, he noticed Sumin doing something strange in the corner of his eye.

"Uh...sweetheart? What are you doing?" questioned Seokjin as he continued to watch his girlfriend with curiosity.

Sumin hummed as she glanced over her shoulder, "Oh, I’m gonna climb the Ferris-wheel and use it as our vantage point." She explained as she undid the belt that held her Katana and shrugged off her leather jacket.

"I see...I see..." Then, her words finally registered in his mind, "I'm sorry? Did you say that you were going to climb the Ferris-wheel? Miss ‘I'm afraid of heights’?" He asked with a quizzical expression on his face. The longer he thought about his girlfriend climbing up that poorly maintained carnival attraction, the more he became concerned. It didn’t help that those worries conjured up every worst-case scenario known to man and flooded his mind with them.

Yeah…

He definitely did not want Sumin climbing up there, and just as he shrugged off his jacket, Sumin spoke,

"Yup! Now, stay down here and keep watch, okay? You have my sword if you need an extra weapon." She said with a cheerful smile, reassuring her worried boyfriend. It was as if she read his mind and wanted to wash away his unnecessary concerns.

Seokjin looked utterly stunned. Every time he opened his mouth to say something, Seokjin swiftly closed it as he knew that he couldn't stop his headstrong princess from doing something if she already made up her mind.

Letting out a defeated sigh, Seokjin quickly hugged her and placed a warm kiss on her temple. As he pulled away, he told her,

"Remember what I told you the first time we rode this together?"

"Yeah...don't look down."

Seokjin uttered a quick, "good," as he released his loving hold on Sumin and watched her start her journey up the rusty fair ride.

His eyes remained glued on her body as he watched the love of his life climbed up the ladder of the neglected attraction. Seokjin's mind drifted to the first time he successfully got his princess to ride the Ferris-wheel as he stared at her fading backside, slowly becoming one with the sky.

Crossing her arms underneath her chest, Sumin blinked a few times. She tilted her head slightly as she tried to comprehend the fact that her boyfriend of almost two years wanted her to go to the Ferris-wheel. Also known as the fair's local death trap.

A short yet heavy sigh escaped the hesitant woman as her gaze focused on Seokjin, who currently nibbled on his bottom lip. A cute little habit that Seokjin had whenever he was deep in thought. That was one of the many quirks she learned about him over their two years of being together. The fun part of that sentence was that he always had her learn something new about him every day.

That was one part of their loving and entertaining relationship that she would never trade for the most expensive diamond in the entire universe.

Seokjin was priceless, and Sumin was incredibly lucky to be with someone like him.

Speaking of which...

"Okay, I got the ultimate bribery for you, princess!" Seokjin piped up, pulling Sumin away from her loving thoughts.

The corners of her lips turned up as curiosity burned in Sumin's eyes.

"Oh? And, what are you exactly going to bribe me with, huh, Jinnie boy?" She asked with hints of playfulness in her words.

Seokjin chuckled, "I'm glad you asked, my curious kitten," He then pointed at the nearby cotton candy stand, "If you go on the Ferris-wheel with me, I will buy you all the cotton candy your heart desires!" He exclaimed with eyes practically pleading Sumin to say yes.

A hum escaped her lips as Sumin lightly tapped her chin; her bottom lip jutted out as she "seriously" thought about his offer.

"I don't know, Seokjin, you know well enough that I'm deathly afraid of heights, you're practically asking me to risk my life just for tonight since you want to see the 4th of July firework show at the top of the wheel," Sumin lightly shook her head, "You're gonna have to do better than that, Jinnie." She stated, shrugged her shoulders.

Seokjin's eyes narrowed on her as he mentally cursed at how argumentative Sumin could get—when she wanted to be. He made a mental note to make sure that his princess never hung out with a particular headstrong friend of hers. If he didn't know any better, he knew that Sumin's good friend more than likely told her about his romantic plans for their 4th of July celebration.

"That pain in the ass..." He muttered to himself, rolling his eyes.

Unfortunately, for him, Sumin heard his words and assumed that he called her that. However, she knew better not to start a fight with him over an assumption. She learned that lesson the hard way after an evening of arguing with him over a hunch that almost caused them to break up just before the night of their big first-anniversary date. From that night on, Sumin learned to always ask for clarification. She vowed never to feel that devastating heartbreak again.

Mustering an innocent smile, Sumin eyed him accusingly, "I'm sorry, who's 'that pain in the ass'?"

Seokjin nearly choked on his spit. His body tensed. He then slowly focused his gaze onto the woman that not only made his heart skip a beat but also instilled fear into him. There was nothing in between those two feelings.

The nervous young man opened his mouth to speak but soon closed it as he had to pick his next choice of words carefully. Having a full-blown fight with her was certainly not on tonight’s romantic agenda. Instead, he wanted to share the most magical kiss with his princess and then confess how much he loved her.

While, yes, they had been together for almost two years, Seokjin and Sumin never said, "I love you," to each other. Their mutual friends told them that they took their relationship a little too slow for their liking. Still, Sumin wanted to make sure their feelings towards each other were genuine, and Seokjin respected that.

He wanted her to know that he was just as serious about them as she was.

Which motivated the handsome fool to say,

"Not you," He gently took Sumin's hands as complete and utter adoration burned in his eyes, "Which is why not only will I give you an endless supply of cotton candy, but I will bestow you the most romantic kiss ever known to man, if you agree to go on the Ferris-wheel with me," He quickly glanced at his watch, "We have exactly an hour to wait in that line, get on one of those carts, and slowly ride up to the top of the wheel where we will stop and enjoy the firework display," He smiled warmly at her, praying to every God out there that she would say yes, "So, how about it? You and me? All alone in that surprisingly roomy compartment?" He finished, eager to hear Sumin's answer.

Sumin remained silent as she glanced up to the Ferris-wheel, pondering for a moment. Then, after what seemed like an eternity of waiting, she opened her sweet lips and said,

"Yes. I will ride the Ferris-wheel with you."

Sumin suddenly shrieked, followed by this soft laughter as Seokjin abruptly picked her up and twirled her around. Bystanders would've thought that he just proposed to her, and she said yes. That was how ecstatic Seokjin was for finally getting Sumin to agree to ride the wheel with him, especially since he knew how afraid of heights she was.

That was true love right there, and it solidified the never-ending devotion he bore for her.

Gently placing his princess on the ground, Seokjin softly pecked her nose before intertwining their hands together.

With a sincere smile painted on his lips, the handsome young man guided the woman, he absolutely adored, towards the semi-long waiting line to get on the ride. The happy couple passed the time by talking about everything and anything popped in their heads. They talked about how their college courses went the past Spring Semester. They spoke of how goofy their group of friends was, especially when two of their friends sabotaged each other's audition for the theater department's Spring musical.

Sumin still couldn't believe that Jungkook and Hoseok became infatuated with the same girl, who auditioned to play the main heroine in the play.

Slightly shaking her head, she cuddled up to Seokjin as she wrapped her arms around his waist, covering her goose-bumped riddled arms. She buried her face in his chest, inhaling the addictive scent of his cologne.

Seokjin peered down with an amused smirk plastered on his face.

"I'm starting to think that you only restocked my cologne with this scent because you personally like it," He shuffled their bodies up to the front of the line, "Not so much that you think that it's a scent that works well on me." He teased, chuckling at how precious Sumin was as she vigorously shook her head.

She then looked up with her doe-like gaze, “I bought it because you said that you personally liked it and it worked well for you,” She untangled himself for her but only for Seokjin to wrap his arms around her waist and rest his chin on her shoulder, “Don’t pin it on me, mister.” She stated as the ride operator asked if they wanted to ride alone or together while the cart slowly stopped in front of the couple.

Seokjin quickly answered that they wanted to ride together before Sumin had the chance to say some sarcastic remark.

The ride operator nodded and waved them over, allowing them to cross the safety line. The carnival worker politely helped Sumin into the cart then helped Seokjin afterward. The worker quickly did the safety check, making sure everything worked properly before pushing the start button.

The second the cart moved upwards, Sumin’s breath hitched. Panic settled in the pit of her tummy. Her breathing grew sporadic as the carriage continued going higher.

Out of the corner of his eye, Seokjin noticed how tense his princess was and reached over to grab her hands. He gently caressed the backs of her hands as he whispered words of encouragement and peppered her faces with kisses.

“I know it’s too late to say this, but don’t look down.”

“Oh, you’re damn right it’s too late to say that!”

A low whine escaped her mouth as she continued to resist taking a peek down below. The extremely stressed out girl flailed her legs as if she hoped that maybe her kicking her legs would speed up the ride. It didn’t, but a girl could dream, right?

Sumin whined, “Ah, how much longer to the top, Jinnie?” She asked, her voice shaky as she placed a trembling hand on her chest. She felt how her heart practically hammered against her chest, and then it suddenly stopped.

Slowly prying one of her eyes open, Sumin saw Seokjin’s hands tightly holding hers. That explained why she suddenly felt this warmth transfer to her cold hands. However, she began to feel more than just his body heat; she started to feel his courage. The longer he held onto her, the more she felt safe with him. With Seokjin by her side, whispering words of encouragement and showering her with all of the admiration he bore for her, she felt invincible.

Seokjin challenged her by facing her fear of heights. He showed her that while yes, it terrified her to no end, she still had a courageous side to her that needed just a little shove.

Ah, Sumin hated when he unknowingly proved a point to her… God damn it…

Gently opening her other eye, a faint gasp escaped her gentle lips. Her eyes widened at the marvelous view. The city lights twinkled like the stars in the night sky as tiny streaks of red and white gradually passed by the fairgrounds.

What she currently saw, at that moment, was the epitome of a brand-new world—and she owed it all to Seokjin.

Without a second thought, Sumin grabbed Seokjin’s face and kissed his cheek sweetly, letting out a giggle as she pulled away.

A boyish grin appeared on Seokjin’s princely face, “What was that for, princess?” He lightly questioned.

Sumin maintained her loving smile, “For always pushing me to be better,” She said, resting her head against his broad shoulder, “You always know me better than I know myself.” She added as Seokjin rested his head against hers.

“Well, think of it as me returning the favor. You constantly pushed me out of my comfort zone, so naturally, I’d do the same for you.” He stated with a meaningful expression as the Ferris-wheel momentarily came to a halt.

Sumin’s brows furrowed as tiny creases formed on her forehead. Curiosity washed against her body but soon evaporated as the couple heard loud booms followed by flashes of colorful lights.

The easily enamored young lady stared into the night sky in complete awe. Her eyes sparkled like the fireworks that lit up the sky. It was during that moment that Sumin briefly forgot that she was an adult with responsibilities. Responsibilities that came with being a college student who enrolled in a full course load of classes. She forgot about the endless pile of assignments, group projects, and presentations.

For only tonight, the only thing - the only person - she needed to focus on was the attractive fellow that sat next to her.

Which reminded her…

Taking a slow, deep breath, Sumin emptied the nerves that riddled her body. She repeated that action a few more times until she felt weightless. For the past few

months, unknown to Seokjin, she practiced how to confess her love to him. After all, this would be a gigantic leap for them in their relationship.

With a final deep exhale, the shy brunette turned her body towards her boyfriend as the fireworks continued to decorate the black canvas that covered the town. Flashes of color illuminated the Ferris-wheel as Sumin slowly leaned in with rosy-colored cheeks.

“Seokjin…?” She softly called out to him, causing the boy to hum in response; though, his eyes didn’t leave the firework show.

“Can you look at me for a second? I need to tell you something.”

“Oh, that is not something any boyfriend wants to hear coming out of their girlfriend’s mouth.”

“I’m serious, Jinnie!”

“I’m serious too, princess! The moment any girlfriend says that  to their significant other, it’s—”

Seokjin’s lips were captured by Sumin’s. Her hands slowly reached up to his neck, gently grasping it as she pulled him closer. Their chests pinned against one another as the couple gradually became lost in each other’s embrace. Seokjin’s hands rested on Sumin’s thighs. At the same time, her fingers entangled themselves in between locks of his hair, gently tugging at them as their kiss grew more fervent.

Tiny moans floated into the air, mixing with the powerful booms from the firecrackers, as the two battled for dominance; neither one of them allowed the other to win, as Seokjin and Sumin remained in their tight embrace for what seemed like an eternity.

Reluctantly, Sumin pulled away as she remembered why she called for him in the first place.

“As I was saying before we passionately kissed each other,” She smiled brightly, chuckling as she wiped away her remaining lip gloss off Seokjin’s swollen lips, “I need to tell you something, and no, I’m not confessing a relationship sin nor am I breaking up with you, you dramatic doofus.” Sumin paused again, soothing the butterflies that fluttered in her tummy, “I wanted to tell you that…I’m in love with you…” She finally confessed with bright red cheeks as passion burned in her eyes.

A massive sigh of relief escaped her lips as she finally and courageously announced that she was utterly head-over-heels in love with him. Now, she didn’t expect Seokjin to say it back since they both agreed, at the beginning of their relationship, that they would say, “I love you,” at their own pace, but a part of her felt afraid. Scared that maybe she said it a little too soon for Seokjin’s liking and now scared him off.

Oh, great. Here came the regret of announcing her love too early, hitting Sumin like a massive tidal wave as her boyfriend remained silent with a straight face.

Sumin sucked in air between clenched teeth, nodding her head as she scolded herself for confessing her love. Slowly, she turned her body, and as she was about to create space between them, she felt a pair of hands cup her cheeks and pull her into the most mind-blowing kiss ever.

Her eyes fluttered close as she became lost in the kiss, and during that heated exchange, she heard Seokjin say in between pecks,

“I’m…in…love…with…you…too…”

With one and final kiss, Seokjin pulled away, though he would instead continue kissing her as he showed her just how much he loved her. As he unraveled himself from her body, he couldn’t help but smirk as he noticed how flushed Sumin’s cheeks were.

He wasn’t going to lie, seeing his princess, a total blushing mess boosted his confidence as this sense of pride surged through his body. He unknowingly puffed out his broad chest as he flung a warm around Sumin’s chest while the Ferris-wheel slowly resumed operating.

“You know, I don’t think our future anniversaries are going to top this one.”

“Yeah. I think you might be right, but I’ll still love you even if our next year’s date consists of us chilling on my roof and stargazing.”

“Huh. I think you just gave me an idea for our annual Autumn dates!”

Slowly opening her eyes, a faint smile graced Sumin's face as Seokjin's words echoed throughout her mind.

And true to her boyfriend's word, he did set up a stargazing date for their yearly Autumn dates.

It still baffled her mind that he was always consistent whenever he suggested something unexpectedly, but that was something that made her fall more in love with Seokjin.

Speaking of love…

Peering down with an exciting twinkle in her eye, Sumin took a deep breath before shouting,

“If I recall that night correctly, I did not confess my love to you until the week after!”

Not even a minute later, Sumin heard Seokjin’s fake laughter, causing the amused young woman to genuinely chuckle as she shook her head, slowly climbing down the Ferris-wheel. There was no point in staying up there if she didn’t see any abnormalities in the shadows.

As the fearless lady descended the ladder, Sumin could hear Seokjin make a few jabs at her memory—or lack of one.

“And another thing, my gorgeous yet always wrong princess! How could I’ve told the story wrong when my memory is ten times better than yours!? So, there! I win!” bragged Seokjin, completely forgetting the fact this booming voice could easily attract a horde of the undead.

A low growl escaped from the annoyed girl’s lip as she paused in her steps. Her gaze drifted upward as the anger bubbled within her chest. Her grip tightened on the rusty metal of the ladder; her knuckles turned white, which meant that the poor girl was seconds away from punching her oh-so-charming boyfriend.

Was it too late to leave Seokjin behind while she journeyed off to find the Fireflies? After all, her boyfriend could easily manage a bunch of zombies on his own.

Forcing out a sigh, Sumin continued her journey down, loving yet hating the fact that she could never leave him behind.

She loved him too damn much…

Little by little, Sumin gradually closed the gap between herself and the sweet ground that she wished her feet stepped on as opposed to the tiny stairs. As much as she didn’t mind heights anymore, she would rather be on the floor if she could help it. More comfortable to defend herself and Seokjin if necessary.

“Ah, I hope he’s doing….” She mumbled to herself, stopping abruptly when her eyes picked up something strange into the distance. She halted in her place. Her eyes squinted, hoping that it would help her vision become sharper. Then, her breath hitched as it grew sporadic. Her chest tightened as she gripped the ladder once again.

This heaviness of complete and utter dread crashed into Sumin’s body like a gigantic tidal wave that hit into a city. She slowly felt the wind knock out of her as the horrific shrieks drew near.

Then, her heart completely stopped the moment she heard Seokjin cry out to her in terror.

“Seokjin, just leave me!” She commanded sternly as the adrenaline-fueled woman rushed down the ladder, no longer caring if she fell from the ladder. Sumin was close to the ground anyway and could quickly get into a combat-ready stance while Seokjin dashed to safety.

Seokjin’s safety would forever and always be a top priority for Sumin…

As the worried young woman descended from the maintenance ladder, practically near the gravel, she heard Seokjin idiotically taunt the undead as they surrounded him, desiring so much to eat his warm flesh. However, the secretly terrified young man couldn’t let his fear consume him. He needed to protect Sumin as he could never imagine living his life without her. Since the start of this horrendous outbreak, the lovestruck man vowed to protect his beloved and ensured that no harm came her way.

He hasn’t failed yet, nor would he ever fail at keeping his promise because, just like Sumin, Seokjin’s utmost priority is his girlfriend’s safety.

Using his sacred promise as his motivator to keep fighting, Seokjin peeked into the scope and fired shot after shot with his semi-automatic rifle, readying another round of ammo as his ammunition clip emptied.

Just as he pulled out the emptied ammo, Seokjin felt something sharp swipe at his right arm, creating a gash on his bicep as blood streamed down and stained his black leather jacket; though, it didn’t matter as no one would notice it.  Well, the horde of undead caught it as the addicting scent of fresh plasma enticed them even more, sending them into a frenzy.

The injured man winced as the pain grew increasingly unbearable, but he refused to stop fighting. The moment he ceased firing, they would attack Sumin and more than likely kill her.

No…

Seokjin would never allow that to happen…

Not as long as his heart continued beating…

Exhausting his last amount of strength, Seokjin suddenly stopped firing and rammed the end of his semi-automatic rifle into one of the zombies before shooting a few bullets into its decaying body. As the adrenaline-fueled protector readied to fight off more zombies, he failed to realize that he had a few rushing at him from his flank. As their growls grew close, Seokjin knew it was too late to fire a few rounds at them while five more zombies ran at him from the front.

No matter which direction he focused on, those undead bastards would aggressively claw at him before devouring his juicy flesh. However, he couldn’t let that thought deter him from his personal objective; his mission of getting Sumin to the Fireflies, so those groups of doctors could create a cure that would one day restore humanity on this lonely planet.  

That’s why he had to keep fighting….

Breathing deeply, Seokjin readied his weapon, releasing bullet after bullet at the horde in front of him, ignoring the ones that rushed at him from behind.

But he also neglected his ride-or-die partner…

A loud grunt entered one ear and exited through the other, followed by the sound of a sharp object impaling one flesh after the other before bodies dropped right behind the handsome man. Their decaying, decapitated heads rolled towards the assailant’s feet before the person kicked to the side like a soccer ball.

Seokjin faintly scoffed as he glanced behind his shoulder and whispered, “And I thought it was my job to save you, p-princess…” as the last bar of his energy finally depleted. His face paled from the amount of blood that slowly drained from his arm. His eyes shuttered close as Seokjin gave in to the exhaustion that plagued him. His legs wobbled as his knees buckled in, ready for his entire body to collapse onto the pavement.

Yep…Seokjin depleted all of his energy…

However, as he was seconds away from dropping to the floor, Sumin quickly sheathed her Katana and grabbed Seokjin before he could. She then wrapped his uninjured arm around her shoulders as she hoisted Seokjin and supported his weight with all the strength she mustered minutes before.

“C-come on, Jinnie…” A few grunts left her lips, “You c-can’t give up on me just yet.” Sumin’s voice quavered as she struggled to reach for Seokjin’s assault rifle. Her fingertips grazed the strap a few times before she successfully wrapped them around the leather material and hung it around her boyfriend’s neck. Of course, she switched the rifle’s safety on before doing that. Insult to injury would be that she caused the death of her boyfriend.

“Alright…” She softly began as she surveyed her surroundings, hearing loud shrieks in the distance. Terror settled in her face, but Sumin didn’t allow it to show. No. The second she let the fear win, it was game over for her and Seokjin.

And Sumin would never allow that to occur, so she had to think of a place for them to hide.

Her mind went into overdrive as she thought of all the possible places for them to wait for the horde to lose interest in them quietly. The site also had to provide them enough cover that could not only disguise their scent but ward off the stench of blood as she patched Seokjin’s deep wound.

Sumin’s concerned gaze glanced at her boyfriend’s limp and severely injured arm as streams of blood stained his scarred hand.

Quickly shaking her head, the worried girlfriend forcibly pushed away any possible worst-case scenarios as it would neither help her or Seokjin in their current situation.

Suddenly, another thunderous, bone-chilling scream echoed in the eerie atmosphere, and this time it sounded nearby.

“Shit…!” She cursed through clenched teeth as she readjusted Seokjin’s weight against hers. “Okay, do you remember where the Hall of Mirrors was at?” She asked, guiding them away from the pile of lifeless zombies.

Seokjin groaned a few times. His eyes fought to stay open, but he found it difficult to do so. Shit, he barely registered Sumin’s question. That was how drained he was.

Sumin’s brows furrowed as wrinkles formed on her forehead. Her heart tightened from Seokjin’s lack of response.

“You know what, it’s okay, Jinnie,” Sumin forced an affectionate yet tired smile, “I think I remember where it was at,” She said, hunching her body as Seokjin’s weight slowly collapsed on top of her tired body. Still, she exerted enough of her depleting energy to keep them standing.

“Alright, let’s go.” She whispered, hobbling the two of them over to the entrance of the Hall of Mirrors. She kept her right arm anchored on Seokjin’s waist. At the same time, her left hand interlocked with his as she practically dragged them towards the entryway.

In between her grunts, she suddenly heard Seokjin let out this light chuckle. Sumin couldn’t help but giggle as her boyfriend’s delirious expression was priceless; though, she shouldn’t find his dying state hilarious. She believed the dehydration slowly crept on her emotional state and took a mental note to take a few big gulps from her canister. Just one of the many containers filled with water that Sumin and Seokjin filtered by boiling out the impurities from a river they stumbled upon a few weeks back.

But before she could dive into the hilarious memory associated with that river, a string of slurred words entered her ears followed with pain-induced groans.

Sumin forced air through her nose, “Seokjin, save what little strength you have. Okay?” She kindly suggested, though, it sounded more of a demand.

“B-But…princess…” Seokjin winced as his eyes opened slightly, “We can f-finally settle o-our bet once and f-for all.” He finished, stumbling over some words.

Sumin briefly halted their steps but swiftly resumed as they couldn’t afford to stop with a pack of starving zombies on their trails. 

With a raised brow, Sumin asked what he meant by his rather vague statement as she and Seokjin finally passed through the entryway to the Hall of Mirrors. Correction. The place was now a dark, spacious area surrounded by broken mirrors and cracked glass decorated the pathway.

“I mean, S-Sumin…” He coughed twice, causing the tired girl to become alarmed and even more concerned for Seokjin’s wellbeing, “Don’t you r-remember on our fourth a-anniversary that y-you a-and I made a bet—” Seokjin let out a loud cry as Sumin accidentally bumped his injured arm against the wall as her body finally gave up on her. The two of them collapsed onto the floor, panting heavily.

“Sorry, Seokjin.” The exhausted young lady mumbled as she took a minute to catch her breath before moving his body to a more comfortable position.

Seokjin made a face before continuing where he left off.

“As I w-was saying before you c-carelessly d-dropped me,” Sumin shot him an icy glare, resulting with him swiftly apologizing before resuming, “Anyway, you a-and I made a b-bet on our f-fourth a-anniversary because neither one of us h-had y-yet to come inside here,” Seokjin repeated, hoping that something – anything – triggered Sumin to have this lightbulb moment.

Then, like clockwork, she did.

“Oh, my God…” She trailed on as she took off her jacket and tied her hair up in a pony-tail, “Are you talking about that stupid bet that you created because you were too much of a chicken to go in this place by yourself?” She questioned, emphasizing a specific word.

Seokjin gawked but let out a few more coughs, “That b-bet isn’t stupid!” He declared, wincing loudly as Sumin carefully removed the torn leather jacket sleeve from his arm. The fabric lightly grazed his gaping wound, creating an endless wave of this unbearable stinging sensation.

Sumin smiled wanly as she gently held his injured arm, assessing the severity of the wound.

“I know you’re in pain, Jinnie, but the bet was stupid, and I’ll tell you why.” She said in a matter-of-fact tone, not realizing that Seokjin closed his eyes, surrendering to the darkness that slowly swamped his mind. Sumin didn’t notice this yet, but Seokjin sadly began reacting to the virus that caused this damn outbreak in the first place.

Minutes rolled by and still no snippy remark from Seokjin. Panic settled in Sumin as she immediately shifted her focus on him. She gently cupped his marked-up cheek; her eyes dripped with fear.

“Jinnie?” She lightly tapped his face while the anxiety settled within her chest, “You gotta stay away, okay? Just stay awake for me. P-please…” She desperately begged as tears formed in the brim of her eyes. “After all, you have to travel down memory lane with me on how that stupid bet came to be…” She stated in a soft-spoken voice as she applied pressure to his wound, refusing to give up on him.

Sumin’s eyes fluttered close, slowly breathing out of her nostrils. Her mind wandered off, transporting her back to that fun evening.

Harden stares. Smug smiles. Two people proudly stood in front of each other, hiding one of their hands behind their backs. The unusual duo anchored their bodies in front of the infamous entryway to the Hall of Mirrors, calculating the other person’s next move in their fun game of rock-paper-scissors. Rumors surrounded the infamous carnival attraction as legends said that a couple of fair-goers had unexpectedly grown ill and currently fought for their lives in the downtown hospital. Knowing that only enticed every single customer to want to brave it out and check out the attraction for themselves.

But not for Seokjin and Sumin. Nuh-uh. This quirky couple would rather look like complete fools in front of the infamous fair attraction than go inside.

And this all started because Seokjin stubbornly refused to go inside the Hall of Mirrors by himself.

Naturally, Sumin called him a coward; thus, it led them to their current predicament.

With an arrogant smile painted on her beautiful face, Sumin’s stare narrowed as if she had telepathic abilities, allowing her to read Seokjin’s next move.

“Stare at me all you want, princess, but you will never defeat the rock-paper-scissors champion!” taunted Seokjin with an equally cocky smirk plastered on his gorgeous face.

Sumin snorted; her eyes briefly flickered to the side.

“You and I both know that there’s no such thing as a champion of rock-paper-scissors. You giant doofus!” She quipped in a high-pitched voice, earning her a few odd glances from a few bystanders.

Yeah. That reaction resulted in Sumin’s boyfriend doing his infamous windshield wiper laugh, causing a couple of people to stop in their tracks with a confused expression.

The embarrassed college student hung her head low. Her cheeks heated from unwanted attention.

Shyly, Sumin lifted her head, uttering a few apologies to the strangers before shooting Seokjin a cold stare as he continued cackling for a good three minutes.

The agitated brunette blew air upward from her mouth before stalking up to her hysterical boyfriend and punched him in his bicep.

Seokjin yelped but showed no sign of his laughter ceasing any time soon, which further annoyed Sumin.

Finally fed up with her cackling boyfriend, Sumin shouted, “Enough! I’ll go inside the stupid hall of mirrors with you!” She walked towards the carnival worker, dragging Seokjin by his wrist while his laughter slowly faded away. He quickly wiped away the tears that formed because he laughed so hard that his stomach ached.

Ah, he hadn’t a good laugh like that since Namjoon broke their Chemistry professor’s beaker and set off the smoke alarms in the classroom.

Good times right there…

Softly shaking his head, Seokjin handed the worker two entry tickets. Then the employee granted them entrance into the Hall of Mirrors.

Gradually, the couple walked further into the hallway. The light from the sunset faded in the background as the young pair went deeper into the creepy attraction.

Without a second thought, Sumin wrapped her arms around Seokjin’s forearm and clung to her protector. The frightened girl shuffled alongside her boyfriend, disregarding the fact that she could’ve easily tripped him. Her heart pounded against her chest as she caught glimpses of her funny reflections in the mirrors.

Tiny whines left Sumin’s lips as she cutely stomped her feet because Seokjin wanted to admire his humorous reflection.

His action shocked her tremendously since it was Seokjin’s idea in the fucking first place that they played rock-paper-scissors to see if Sumin accompanied him or not inside this terrifying place. Now, she started believing that the attractive idiot she called a boyfriend hustled her.  

If that were the case, then what she was about to do next, she wouldn’t feel guilty whatsoever.

With both a devious smirk and gleam on her innocent face, Sumin turned her attention towards Seokjin, slightly tilting her head.

“Hey, Jinnie…”

“What’s up?”

“Wanna make a bet, especially since it’s our fourth anniversary together?”

Seokjin blinked a few times. His lips thinned as this uneasy silence covered them like a warm blanket on a Winter’s night.

His stare darted between Sumin’s innocent face and the random stranger squeezed by them.

The confused man opened his mouth but soon closed it as the longer he stared at his girlfriend’s doe-like eyes, the more he realized that there was a trap waiting for him.

With knitted brows and taking a step backward, Seokjin hesitantly took the bait and asked what kind of bet Sumin talked about.

“Simple, Seokjin,” She gestured to their rather cramped surroundings, “Since you and I both do not want to be in here any longer than we have to,” She then pointed towards the direction in front of them, “And judging from the bone-chilling screams that echo every five seconds, it seems that this place is only going to become even scarier.” She explained, though, not really getting her point across.

However, that was the beauty of their relationship. Seokjin always understood what went on in Sumin’s beautiful yet devious brain.

And sadly, for him, this was a bet that would result in his loss…

Looking briefly displeased, Seokjin sighed heavily before interlacing their fingers together and continuing their journey inside the spooky attraction.

“So…what happens if you lose the bet?”

“Me? Ha. That’s comical, Jinnie. Tell me. Who’s the braver one between us two?”

“Well, that depends princess on what we’re doing, you big goof.”

Sumin scoffed, rolling her eyes, “You just don’t wanna admit that I’m braver than you.”

Now, it was Seokjin’s turn to scoff.

“Uh-huh. Let’s see if you keep that mindset once we near the end of this hallway since I believe that is when we heard the most terrifying induced shrieks.”

“You’re on!”

And true to his words…Sumin freaked out first and punched one of the costumed workers in the stomach.

Yeah…

Safe to say that the carnival manager banned the couple from entering the Hall of Mirrors ever again.

Well, at least there was a positive aspect of this epidemic…

Seokjin and Sumin were allowed inside the attraction; though, the concerned woman wished it were under better circumstances…

A defeated expression washed over Sumin’s face. Yet, the anxious but determined young woman refused to allow Seokjin to succumb to the deadly virus. A few sniffles echoed slightly as Sumin maintained pressure on the wound, allowing the disinfectant to have some sort of effect on the injury.

“Come on…” The distressed girl repeatedly uttered as tears cascaded down her dirty and bloodied cheeks. Out of anger, Sumin threw the blood-soaked gauze and hurriedly applied another, cleaning and dressing the gash some more. The upset girl’s tears landed on Seokjin’s arm, unknowingly stirring the man from his pain-induced slumber.

A couple of faint groans escaped his precious lips as Seokjin’s eyes slowly fluttered open. He slowly turned his head; his gaze landed on Sumin’s.

A small smile displayed on the handsome man’s face before he started to reach out to Sumin with his injured room, stubbornly ignoring the severe shooting pains that surged through his veins.

“…n-now…why is m-my princess crying…?” whispered Seokjin as his bloodied hand cupped Sumin’s soft cheek, “Beautiful w-women shouldn’t s-shed any t-tears…” He added, successfully causing his concerned girlfriend to chuckle.

Sumin leaned into his warm touch, maintaining her solemn smile, before grasping his hand with hers.

“G-gross Jinnie…” She teased, forcing herself to make light of the situation for not only her sake but Seokjin’s as well, “I don’t want you touching me with your bloody fingers.” She added, removing her hands from his bloody one as she resumed tending to his wound. Using her jacket sleeve, the brunette carefully wiped away the tears that threatened to fall. The last thing she needed was her purposely causing more minuscule pain to Seokjin.

Seokjin tried laughing, but they soon turned into small coughing fits. The injured man rolled his eyes; though, he maintained his tiny, playful smile.

“Well, I’m s-sorry that I c-couldn’t w-wash my hands before doing t-this—” Seokjin suddenly yelped as he felt this unbearable pain shoot up his arm once again. Then, he felt a cooling sensation that followed shortly. Wondering what it was, Seokjin’s gaze followed Sumin’s arms and then noticed yet another gauze slowly soak up his tainted blood. Not even a minute later, that excruciating ache returned.

“Ouch woman!! Be a little gentler next time!!” cried the injured man, shooting glares at his girlfriend.

Sumin gawked, “You know what…I take my tears back now,” Her face became emotionless, “Since you’ll be fine now seeing as that you finally stopped stuttering caused by that excruciating pain you were in earlier.” She said blankly, blinking a few times before turning her back towards him to put away their shared medical supplies.

Tiny chuckles escaped Seokjin’s chest as he slowly sat up, examining his bandaged-up arm. He stared at his wound as curiosity slowly washed over him. His eyes trailed over to Sumin and instantly noticed that her left hand dawned a bandage. Then, it occurred to him. She must’ve fused her blood with the disinfectant and made a quick cure for his wound before the virus had a chance to completely take over.

With the corners of his mouth turning upwards, Seokjin shuffled his way over to Sumin and warmly placed a hand on her head. Love glowed in his eyes as he stared affectionately at her backside.

“Well, it’s thanks to you that I’ll be fine,” but not even a second after saying that, he winced; his hand rested on the side of his torso. “Damn, did those undead bastards get me somewhere else too?” He bitterly thought but was soon thankful that he didn’t feel any fresh blood on his fingers. However, he didn’t want to alarm Sumin yet again. He saw how anxious she became when those zombies severely injured his arm. Seokjin couldn’t put her through that heartache for a second time.

Through gritted teeth, the stubborn fool repeated that he’d be okay and that he could never die.

“As long as I’m breathing and standing before you, I will always protect you,” He pressed his plump lips to Sumin’s temple, “Again, nothing and no one can kill me.” He declared; his eyes burned with determination as if he made another sacred pact to himself.

A faint scoff escapes her lips, unbothered to show her face to him.

“What if someone is successful and does kill you? Then, what, Jinnie?” She asked; her breath hitched for a split second. “I-I can’t afford to lose you…” She added, muttering as her voice softly broke in the beginning. Then, Sumin closed her eyes, slowly exhaling through her nose as she desperately tried taming the anxiety that gradually swallowed her body. The thought of losing Seokjin always triggered it for her. There were days where she wished that she were this emotionless, ruthless killing machine immune to emotions such as love, but that wasn’t the case.

It was thanks to those beautiful emotions that Sumin was herself. If she was this robot, then she wouldn’t have met Seokjin.

And with that final thought, the uneasy young woman turned towards her boyfriend, facing him with a brave expression as Sumin swung her backpack around her shoulders and tightened the straps.

“And that is why I will not stop at nothing until I find that safe haven.” She declared suddenly yet firmly; her eyes sparked with this undying resolve for her personal mission. “You hear me, Jinnie? I will find us that secure place. I s-swear to you.” She finished, letting out a few sniffles as her eyes became glossy.

Seokjin remained speechless, unsure of how to answer Sumin’s question. He was also taken back from Sumin’s sudden declaration; however, his mind soon drifted back to her earlier question.

Truth be told, he never thought about his death since that was something, he couldn’t afford to even imagine it.

No.

The moment he thought about someone killing him, it would be game over. His body would succumb to the fear that Seokjin channeled countlessly into courage. He needed to be strong for him and Sumin.

He just had to…

Tapping his chin, Seokjin hummed in response before wrapping a warm around Sumin’s shoulders, pulling towards him. His chin now rested nicely on top of her head while his courageous girlfriend finally broke down and sobbed in his chest, dampening his shirt. She could only hold that brave face for so long.

“Aw, Minnie…” He cooed, softly rubbing her back and sweetly kissing her head, “You don’t have to worry about keeping me safe, and do you want to know why?” He asked softly; his eyes blazed with absolute devotion and admiration.

Sumin nodded her head but remained glued in his broad chest as more tiny sniffles escaped her precious lips.

Seokjin couldn’t help but chuckle in response, finding his girlfriend extremely cute at that moment.

“Well, the reason why you don’t have to worry about keeping me safe is that I’m already safe, princess.”

“Huh? How’s that possible, Seokjin?”

Then, he grinned widely before answering,

“Because I’m always safe whenever I’m with you, sweetheart.” He happily stated, earning himself a light shove and angry stare from Sumin. “Ah, that tiny push was worth it since you’re no longer upset and shedding your beautiful tears when they aren’t necessary.” He added, smiling brightly. His smile was so vast that his cheekbones practically touched his eyes, causing them to disappear.

Sumin made a face, “Unbelievable…” She trailed on, walking away from him, “After all these years, you still manage to become cheesier than your last attempt!” She shouted over her shoulder, wearing this amused yet teasing smirk on her face.

Seokjin shook his head, forever enjoying their endless game of cat and mouse.  

“I swear, I must be a masochist…” He humorously thought before chasing after his woman.

Inch by inch, Sumin peeked her head out; her gaze flickered toward every single direction, making sure the close was clear before leaving their hiding spot.

Seokjin’s breath fanned the back of her neck, creating goosebumps to appear. Tiny giggles emitted from her lips as Sumin hunched her shoulders, hoping that it would stop the rather affectionate man that she called her boyfriend.

However, it did not. If anything, the lovesick fool saw his girlfriend’s protests as a challenge. A challenge that he’d surely win.

Without a second thought, Seokjin wrapped a protective arm around Sumin’s shoulders, pressing his chest against her back. Then, he slowly lowered his head; his plump lips hovered over her ear.

“So…is the close clear?” He whispered; his hot, breathy tone caused the poor girl to become flustered as a small, yet enticing moan escaped her innocent lips.

Then, seconds later, a loud smack echoed throughout the dark, empty halls of the destroyed carnival attraction.

Seokjin grunted, rubbing the area where his girlfriend smacked him.

“Did you really have to go for my chest? You know how sensitive I am in that area.” He whined, pouting cutely as he continued rubbing his injured chest.

Sumin scoffed, ignoring his rather cute complaints, “Obviously. Why else would I slap you in your most sensitive spot beside your humongous ego.”

“Ego? That’s a weird name to call my—”

“Finish that sentence and no sex once we find the safe haven.”

Seokjin flinched. His face tensed from the mere thought of not being intimate with his girlfriend. Then, he hung his head low, “I’ll behave, princess.”

The triumphant young lady uttered a quick, “good,” before placing an innocent peck on his scratched-up cheek. She then gestured towards the exit, announcing to him that it was safe to run towards the fence that faced the abandoned, ruined mall. During the couple’s attempt at escaping the hungry horde, Sumin noticed a destroyed wall in front of the mall that she and Seokjin frequented for many years.

“You ready? Do you have enough energy to dash towards that gate?”

“I think I can manage, sweetheart.”

Tightening the strap that held her sword in place, Sumin slowly inhaled then released the pent-up stress and other frustration through her nostrils.

With a look of determination on Sumin’s smudged up face, the fearless woman charged out of the entrance; her gun fired round after round, emptying the clip before she quickly inserted another ammo clip. She briefly took note of how many clips she remained before she completely ran out.

Running behind her, with an infinite release of ammo from Seokjin’s semi-automatic, the protective yet still injured man guarded his girlfriend, protecting her like a royal knight for his princess as he safeguarded her from any harm. He shot down any undead bodies that rushed at Sumin, finding it a bit therapeutic as killing those zombies was another form of revenge for him.

Funny, huh?

Gradually, the abandoned mall became large as it appeared in the running couple’s sights. Their hearts drummed against their chest as they felt the adrenaline deplete from their bodies, but they couldn’t give up. Not just yet. They needed to find a safe haven and restore humanity to this rotting planet.  

They just had too…

Skidding towards the open gate, Sumin held it up, widening the gap so Seokjin could fit in the hole. She breathed heavily while her eyes homed in the rushing horde that slowly closed the distance between them. With her free hand, she aimed her gun at the dead crowded, firing a few times. The frightened girl landed head-shots and permanently killed them.

“Come on, Sumin!” hollered Seokjin as this wave of anxiety washed over him as well. Being on the other side of the fence did not sit well with him whatsoever—scratch that. Not standing right beside Sumin did not sit well with him at all.

Just as the worried man readied his weapon, Sumin scrambled through the hole, earning herself a small cut on the back of her hand.

Seokjin instantly noticed, grabbing her uninjured hand, and pulled her towards the ruined building. The exhausted boy tapped into any reserve energy he stored. At the same time, Sumin addressed his wounds earlier as they continued their mad dash for the broken mall building.

With the entrance doors in sight, Seokjin practically shoved Sumin inside before following after. He swiftly scanned his surroundings, looking for anything that could be used as a barricade. Seconds later, his eyes focused on a pile of pipes.

“That should work…” He frantically thought as he grabbed a couple and stuck in between handles. For added measure, he rolled over some of the fallen metal trash bins, completely ignoring the surging pain in his right arm. Even though Sumin wiped away the virus from Seokjin’s body, his gash still remained and gradually reopened.

A few winces escaped his plump lips, instantly alerting Sumin. She tucked her pistol in its holster before helping him push the trash bins.

Playfully shaking her head, Sumin gave him a look, teasing him in the process.

Seokjin rolled his eyes, scoffing before flashing her a boyish grin.

“You know I could’ve rolled that by myself.”

“Uh-huh. Sure,” Sumin pointed at his injured arm, “And that’s why your wound reopened, doofus.” She stated before maneuvering the metal bin in front of the door, securing its position.

Seokjin jokingly mocked her as he felt a slight tug on his wrist. He obediently followed Sumin, sitting down when instructed to. His eyes trailed up, noting how breathtaking his princess was despite the many cuts, bruises, and dried up blood that decorated her face. Soon, the corners of his mouth curved upwards as he continued watching Sumin redo his bandages. He couldn’t quite explain it, but he felt like he transported back to the day he first fell in love with her.

And it all because of the angelic smile that graced her beautiful face…

“Okay, all done.” Announced Sumin, tightening the knot on the bandage. “Next time you reopen up your gash, I’m gonna let it get it infected.” She warned with an overly sweet tone before placing an innocent kiss on his cheek.

Seokjin chuckled, jokingly saluting his woman before standing up. He grabbed his weapon and flung the strap around his shoulder, allowing it to lazily hang beside him as he and Sumin journeyed deeper inside the empty mall.

Walking past broken glass displays, where only a few shards remained hanging on the wall, Sumin mumbled the name of each storefront. Suddenly, she halted, tugging on Seokjin’s jacket sleeve.

Seokjin peered down, asking her if she was okay, and why they stopped in their tracks.

Without saying a word, Sumin simply pointed at the storefront. The concerned young man followed her finger and soon gasped.

“Is that—”

“Yup.”

Sumin took a step forward, walking towards the broken counter. She observed the discarded plastic cups and open cash registers. She clicked her tongue, devastated seeing one of their favorite food places utterly destroyed. She turned her head but quickly looked away after seeing the bloody hand prints that decorated the door that led to the kitchen.

The bottom of her lip disappeared as Sumin closed her tear pooled eyes. A few drops trickled down her cheeks, alerting Seokjin. He placed a comforting hand on her shoulder before pulling her body towards his. He wrapped his arms around her, resting his cheek against her head as he whispered loving words, hoping to soothe away her sadness.

“It’s just not fair, Jinnie.”

“I know, princess, but at least we have each other.”

Sumin sniffled before mumbling, “Kind of like how Hoseok had Lainey?”

Jinnie chuckled at her sudden lighthearted comment as he pulled away from his now smiling girlfriend.

“No. I think you’re thinking of Renae, sweetheart.” He corrected. Though he secretly could be wrong as he too couldn’t remember which girl, he and Sumin successfully paired Hoseok up with for his third blind date.

Quickly wiping away any remaining tears, Sumin cleared her throat a few times before speaking,

“I don’t think so, Jinnie. It could be this one girl. Oh, what’s her name…?” She trailed on, snapping her fingers in hopes that it’d help her remember. Then, it finally clicked. “Ah! Bunny, I believe, was her nickname!”

Seokjin shook his head briefly humming before correcting Sumin yet again.

“Nope. Wrong again, princess. She ended up with Jungkook, remember?”

Sumin lips fell slightly open, silently berating herself for having the worst memory. Granted, she and Seokjin busied themselves with saving the human race and fighting off countless undead hordes, so that played into her favor.

With her brows knitted together and her lips thinned, Sumin thought long and hard on who the fuck ended up being Hoseok’s girlfriend. Alys? No, she remembered that she wound up with Namjoon. Kenzie? That was also another no since she ended up with Jimin—or was it her good friend Lindy? Oh, my God. Sumin drew a fucking blank on the name as she swiftly ruled out another friend of hers, Bean, who ended up being Yoongi’s adorable girlfriend.

“Fuck!” She mentally cursed as she gnawed on her bottom lip, desperate to figure out who ended up with Hoseok.

Seokjin, on the other hand, laughed at how serious yet adorable Sumin looked. He found it especially cute when her cheeks puffed out as the frustration slowly washed over her face.

Should he be a good boyfriend and help her? The amused young man quickly weighed his options, finding both the pros and cons to helping Sumin out but decided to assist his poor, agitated girlfriend.

“It’s Nina.”

“Nina? Oh! Nina! I’m a dummy. I can’t believe I forgot her.”

Seokjin gave a lop-sided grin as he wrapped a loving yet protective arm around Sumin and repeated, “It’s okay,” and “I still love you, stupidity and all.” He then guided her away from the ruined food court and resumed their journey inside the mall.

Laughter echoed throughout the three abandoned floors of the humongous building. For that brief moment, Sumin and Seokjin were simply two lovebirds on a simple date.

The loving couple recollected all the times they ended up at the mall after an extravagant dinner. Seokjin gently caressed the back of Sumin’s date, releasing a chuckle or two as she recalled the time Jungkook stole a black leather jacket.

“I’m still trying to figure out why he thought it was wise to steal the mannequin as well.” Sumin laughed, smiling brightly as she oddly felt relaxed.

Seokjin shrugged, “I have no clue, but with Jungkook, I never do. That boy has always been a strange one.” Suddenly, sadness clouded his handsome features, halting his steps, the more he thought about Jungkook and the rest of his close friends. He had yet to receive any news on their whereabouts. The last time he heard anything was 7 years ago.

7…long…years…

Before he could dwell on his friend’s untimely demise, he felt a warm hand cup his dirty cheek. His solemn gaze trailed down and met Sumin’s loving and comforting stare.

“Hey. Think positive, Seokjin.”

“How can I? For all I know, they could be long dead, and I wasn’t there for them, like the older brother I was supposed to be for them.”

Sumin sighed but quickly validated his feelings. Shit. She felt the same way about her close friends and family, and she allowed the guilt to eat away at her conscience. However, it wasn’t until the 3rd year of this pandemic that she turned the blame into resolve and swore that she would avenge everyone she loved.

Softly rubbing Seokjin’s marked up cheek, Sumin plastered a sweet smile and said,

“Once we find that safe haven, we will go look for your friends, okay? I mean, they have Namjoon and Yoongi with them, so the rest of them can’t be dead. Alright?”

The distraught boy nodded his head as the corner of Seokjin’s mouth twitched.

His princess always knew what to say, especially to light a fire underneath his depressed ass.

He sweetly pressed his lips against her forehead and muttered a quick, “thanks,” before taking her hand once more and resumed their exploration.

The completely smitten couple journeyed to the third floor, both of them finding it humorous that they actually walked up the broken escalators. Years ago, when it worked properly, the duo always rode it up to their designated floor. Even when it became evident that walking up the escalators were so much faster. However, they didn’t care.

They were proud to be called the “lazy” couple within their group of friends. Shoot. Sumin secretly found it amusing that they were dubbed that since she and Seokjin studied medicine before this horrific pandemic began.

Funny how everything turned out for the two of them. Seokjin became her protector, and she carried the cure that could potentially reverse humanity back to its original state.

Jogging away from Seokjin with a mischievous gleam in her eyes, Sumin peered behind her shoulder, enticing her boyfriend to chase her. Soft laughs escaped her sweet lips as she picked up the pace, wanting to increase the distance between their bodies.

“Be careful, princess!” advised Seokjin, feeling the anxiety slowly settle within the pit of his stomach. His worried gaze remained on Sumin’s retreating backside as the gap grew wider with each passing second.

Out of frustration, the concerned fellow ruffled his hair before running after his woman. Within minutes, Seokjin closed the gap between them and protectively wrapped his arms around Sumin’s torso as he shouted,

“Gotcha!”

Sumin laughed, smiling radiantly as her boyfriend peppered her face with soft kisses and whispers of adoration.

“You know that I love you to the sun and back, Sumin. Right?”

“Of course, Jinnie,” She turned her body, though, she was careful to not whack him with the hilt of her Katana, “And you know that I love you to the moon and back. Right?” She said sweetly and softly.

Seokjin hummed in response as his brows furrowed together.

Sumin gawked, lightly slapping his chest, and pulling away from him.

“I’m kidding, princess! Please come back! I need you in my arms, or else I’ll die.”

“Oh, my goodness. You’re such a drama king, Jinnie.”

“Well, yes, but that’s beside the point! Please give me a hug?”

Now, it was Sumin’s turn to playfully think about it. Then, not even a minute later, the stubborn young lady simply shrugged and walked up to her pouty boyfriend. She cupped the back of his neck, locking her fingers into place, and gently pulled Seokjin’s face towards hers. Their noses lightly bumped into each other as their dirt-stained foreheads pressed against one another.

The two of them, dawning warm smiles, remained lost in each other’s gaze for what seemed like forever until something captured Seokjin’s attention.

“Is that one of those luxurious contest cars?”

Sumin perked up her brow as she peered behind her shoulder. Her eyes widened as she untangled herself from Seokjin and ran up to the car, much to his dismay.

Curiosity got the best of her as her calloused fingers traced the cold metal of the car. She couldn’t help but admire how beautiful the car still looked despite its surroundings destroyed.

Well, until she heard a loud smash, causing the poor, unknowing girl to flinch as Seokjin swung his assault rifle back to its original position, blissfully unaware of Sumin’s death glare. He then carefully reached through the broken window and tried to feel for the door lock. His fingertips grazed the car door handle a few times before finally latching over the lock. Seokjin pulled it towards him, the two of them heard a click before swinging it open.

Like the gentleman he was, the attractive young man gestured towards the door, politely bowing his head at Sumin.

“Your chariot, my lady.” Joked Seokjin in a poorly imitated British accent.

Sumin chuckled lightly as she shook her head, brushing her shoulder against his.

“Why, thank you, my good sir.” She played along before removing her Katana from her back, making it easier for her to maneuver inside the vehicle.

Using the sleeve of her leather jacket, Sumin carefully brushed off the broken window shards from the car seat.

“You know, I’m thankful that the car battery died because you would’ve definitely attracted a crowd of zombies to us, you impatient dork.” She quipped, shimming her way towards the backseat. The exhausted lady let out a massive sigh of relief as she rested her head against the leather seats. Through a tired, cloudy gaze, Sumin squinted at the door and then realized something.

“Hey, Jinnie.”

“Yes, sweetheart?”

“You’re a jerk for having me shimmy my way towards the backseat,” She then reached over the backdoor and unlocked it, “When you could’ve just reached even further and unlocked this door as well.” She finished, opening it up and flashing him a knowing smile.

Seokjin rolled his eyes as he teasingly closed the door on her before finally entering the car. He quickly placed his gun on the passenger seat and then put both hands on the steering wheel.

With a boyish grin written on his face, Seokjin glanced over his shoulder and asked,

“Where to, princess Sumin?”

A soft chuckle escaped her lips as she leaned in her seat and poked her head between the two front chairs. With an alluring smile painted on her lips, Sumin hovered her mouth over his ears and whispered sweetly,

“To the stars…” Before grabbing his shirt and pulling him towards the back of the seat. Though, it was a bit difficult at first given how bulkier and taller he was than her.

A faint grunt exited his lips as Seokjin found himself plopped next to the love of his life. His eyes bore into hers as he couldn’t help but admire how breathtaking she was despite going through hell and back.

Without a single thought in his head, the utterly smitten young man cupped his girlfriend’s stained cheek, gently caressing it. Then, slowly, the two of them inched their faces closer. Their eyes flickered from each other’s loving gaze to their lips before the gap finally closed.

A gentle moan escaped Sumin’s lips as she entangled her fingers in Seokjin’s hair. She slowly massaged his scalp, resulting in a low moan from Seokjin as he anchored one hand against the door-frame and the other against Sumin’s hip. He slowly lowered her body onto the seat, careful not to accidentally bump her head against anything.

“I love you, Kim Seokjin,” Sumin whispered, briefly breaking their passionate kiss.

Seokjin, slightly panting, simply smiled before capturing her precious lips once more. He poured all the love he bore for the woman underneath him and hoped that she knew how much he loved her.

For that single moment, Seokjin knew that actions spoke louder than words. Releasing her addicting lips, he trailed fiery kisses down the side of her face all the way to the base of her neck. His teeth lightly grazed her soft skin, causing a few moans to leave Sumin’s mouth, further igniting Seokjin’s hormones.

His hands buried itself underneath her shirt, the warmth of her skin contrasted the coolness from his hands. Seokjin’s fingers lightly trailed upwards, and just as his calloused fingers grazed the fabric of her bra, they heard a loud, terrifying shriek.

The couple instantly broke apart, fixing up their disheveled appearance as Seokjin promptly peeked through the window.  Now on full alert, he hurriedly scanned the area; his ears picked up even the tiniest of sounds. Then, the thunderous, horrific cry echoed throughout the mall once more.

Not wanting to chance it, Seokjin quickly instructed – well more like demanded – Sumin to run for cover while he provided covering fire.

Her mouth fell open while her eyes went round. Did Sumin hear him correctly? What Seokjin planned was a suicide mission as the hordes would easily overwhelm him. Still, deep down, Sumin knew that as she studied his overall body language. The frantic young girl vigorously shook her head, rejecting his idiotic idea with her entire body.

“Well, do you have a better idea, princess?” Seokjin asked, giving her a look.

“Yes, you run beside me, and we protect each other,” Sumin paused, cupping both sides of his face, “Like we did every single time we faced these undead bastards and will continue to do until it’s no longer necessary.” She finished in a courageous tone of voice.

Seokjin was rendered speechless but soon composed himself. Sumin was right because if he ended up dead, then who would protect her in his stead? No one worthy of her that was for sure. He needed to remain alive for her sake.

And she needed to remain alive for his sake…

Taking a long, deep breath, Seokjin’s eyes sparked with fearlessness as he stared at Sumin. He gently took her hand into his and quickly pressed a sweet kiss on the back of it.

“Okay, as soon as I open this door, you better be running right beside me. Got it?”

“I should be telling you that, Jinnie.”

Seokjin snorted, ignoring her comment as he pulled on the door-latch and opened the car door. He quickly grabbed his weapon from the passenger seat before diving out of the car. He readied his semi-automatic and peeked through the scope, looking for any scouts. Luckily, he saw none, but they needed to hurry and find cover. Then, his ears picked up a soft grunt followed by a string of swears.

With an amused grin, Seokjin glanced to his side, noticing Sumin rubbing her chin.

“Let me guess you hit yourself with that Katana.”

“Shut up and run.”

Sumin repositioned her sword and began running with her pistol out and ready to fire. Seokjin quickly followed behind, mimicking his sweetheart's every movement. This continued for a few more minutes until they found a suitable hideout and ducked behind the concrete wall. The two lovers seized that relaxing opportunity and calmed their irregular breathing. The last thing the two of them needed was to pass out while fighting a raging crowd of zombies.

Slowly, the loving couple inhaled the sweet oxygen through their nostrils and exhaled it through their mouths. With each breath they took, Seokjin and Sumin felt both their physical and mental strength restored.

They were ready to fight once more…

Slightly tilting his head, revealing this lazy smile, Seokjin gave Sumin a quick glance-over, making sure she didn’t have any secret injuries.

“So, are you ready for round 3?” He jokingly asked.

Sumin snorted, “Round 3? It’s more like round 5 at this point, Jinnie.”

This time it was Seokjin’s turn to let out a quick snort as he stood up with his assault rifle ready to fire at any given moment. The second he stood up, the blood-curdling shrieks grew near. Seokjin gave those undead gnats about ten seconds – give or take – before they swarmed their position.

“Careful, princess. People might think you’re talking about our sex life.” He joked, shamelessly winking at her as he pulled the trigger, firing a few rounds at the undead horde.

Sumin rolled her eyes as she unsheathed her Katana and shot up from her spot.

“What people?” She quickly gestured at the two of them and then at the never-ending onslaught of zombies that approached them, “In case you haven’t noticed, Jinnie, we’re the only ones here, so you have nothing to worry about.” She bluntly stated, completely missing Seokjin’s sarcasm, before impaling one zombie and decapitating the second one before raising her gun.

Sumin then cocked back her pistol and aimed it at the enemy, emptying the clip as she landed head-shot after head-shot. She hurriedly reached for another ammo clip and loaded it into the pistol.

Meanwhile, with Seokjin, the poor boy shook his head as he observed how frantic Sumin slowly became. He swiftly focused his weapon on her direction and fired at the zombies that threatened to swarm her.

“With you around, sweetheart, I will always worry.” He announced as he quickly fired at the zombies that rushed towards their direction. He then spun around and fired at his original path.

Sumin’s face reddened but soon composed herself, though her cheeks remained rosy.

She quickly cleared her throat before speaking,

“And to think, I thought you couldn’t get any cheesier.”

“Only for you and always for you…”

Protecting Each Other is copyright 2020 by jinterlude, all rights reserved.

#bb2020 #bangtanhq #bangtanarmynet #hyunglinenetwork #armyofwriters #btsguild #btspocnet #cypherwritersnet #kwritersworldnet #/mystories #bts #bts jin #bts seokjin #bts fanfic #bts fantasy au #bts x oc #bangtan #bangtan jin #bangtan seokjin #bangtan fanfic #bangtan au #bangtan x oc #seokjin #seokjin x oc #seokjin fanfic #seokjin au #jin #jin x oc #jin fanfic

[yan-twst]

Hello. I hope you're having a good day. Would it be alright if you do the alphabet thing with Jade Leech please? It's fine if you don't want to though.

once again, long post so it goes under the cut! warnings for mentions of drowning in this one

Affection: How do they show their love and affection? How intense would it get?

Jade plays his gentleman act quite carefully and meticulously. In public (before isolating his darling), he'd limit himself to kisses to the back of their hand or putting his arm around their shoulder. He likes to still tease with his "gentelmanly" act behind closed door, but the way he speaks doesn't match the voracity which he has when he kisses his darling.

Blood: How messy are they willing to get when it comes to their darling?

He won't eliminate people unless it's strictly needed- if his darling's friends and family don't come poking their noses into his relationship, he won't feel the need to track them down. However, nosey people will mysteriously dissapear- it's not like people search underwater caves for bodies, you know?

Cruelty: How would they treat their darling once abducted? Would they mock them?

He would highly preffer his darling to give in to his advances and love already, but he does reckon half the fun of love is getting there. He'd only tease and be mean if his darling was snarky- it's probably infuriating for them to be chained down and unable to escape while Jade talks down on them with his usual calm smile.

Darling: Aside from abduction, would they do anything against their darling’s will?

No way, he's a gentleman! ... well, he is one as long as people are looking, anyways. While he certainly wouldn't have his way with an unwilling darling, he doesn't see any problem with coersion or threats to make his darling more willing to accept his advances. Likewise, he won't ask for permission for things he considers "minor", like hugging, kisses to the neck, and such.

Exposed: How much of their heart do they bare to their darling? How vulnerable are they when it comes to their darling?

He won't entirely drop all his pretenses and suddenly lay bare for his darling- that's just not who he is. He will speak his mind from time to time, and if his darling is keen they might pick up on certain insecurities of his. He's absolutely not expecting his darling to care about his emotions- seeing as he's abducted them and has given them no choice but to love him- but if they did, it would certainly make him open up more often.

Fight: How would they feel if their darling fought back?

He'd think his darling is just being plain foolish. He's not Floyd, sure, but he does have his strenght, you know? Besides, his darling should know that he has Azul and his twin on his side: a single human couldn't do much against the trio. He'd scold them like if they were a child, and get irked whenever they continue trying. His darling should certainly stop stretching his parience!

Game: Is this a game to them? How much would they enjoy watching their darling try to escape?

It is and it isn't at the same time. He does find some enjoyment from watching his darling struggle helplessly, and it is particularly delicious to see them exhaust themselves to the point they just simply give in to his affections- but at the same time, he does want to build a future one day. He'd very much love it if his darling mellowed down enough so he could go hiking with them without having to be looking out for escape attempts.

Hell: What would be their darling’s worst experience with them?

The most patient people snap in the ugliest ways, and he's no exception. If his darling tried to squash all his dreams for the future, or constantly talked about other people to try and purposely make him jealous, he'd drop all pretenses of being a civilized gentleman. He'd have no qualms holding his darling underwater until they're in the brink of drowning, then letting them back up- only to push them down again. It's torture, but he'll keep going until they either pass out, or he's satisfied with his work.

Ideals: What kind of future do they have in mind for/with their darling?

He can't decide if he wants to turn his darling into a mermaid and return to the coral sea, or find a little cottage in the mountains. Ideally, he'd like both- perhaps living the winters in land (since his darling wouldnt be used to the frigid underwater temperatures) and the summers in the ocean. He knows he and his darling cannot have biological children- after all, his body is just not built to mate with humans, regardless of if his darling can even bear children or not- but he would perhaps think of taking one in, just to complete his little family.

Jealousy: Do they get jealous? Do they lash out or find a way to cope?

He does get jealous quite often, but he mostly just deals with it in silence. He knows it's inevitable people will talk about his darling or mention missing them, and that killing or maiming everyone who does this would be insane. Again, he'll only hurt people who stick their nose into his business- and people who express too much interest in his darling.

Kisses: How do they act around or with their darling?

Most of what he knows of human courtships comes from books and legends, so he'll try very hard to be his darling's very own fairtytale lover. He doesn't see why his obsessive tendencies and the gentle love describes in most folk tales can't be combined- isn't it the greatest expression of love to keep his darling just for himself? He'll be very warm and caring as long as his darling behaves properly.

Love letters: How would they go about courting or approaching their darling?

Again, all his knowledge on human courting comes from books and myths, so he begins his aproaches in a very fairytale like fashion. In the beginning, he's a picture perfect gentleman: bringing flowers, walking his darling home, candlelit dinners in the lounge- the works. It's not until his obsession starts growing that he becomes more and more possesive.

Mask: Are their true colors drastically different from the way they act around everyone else?

Some people definitely suspect his gentleman act is just a fake mask, but he does want to behave nicely from time to time. He definitely still acts like a gentleman some of the times with his darling- specifically when they're not being troublesome. He does however, have a bit of a darker side; he'll take some sick pleasure in watching his darling squirm and cry for help- but he does try to not show that too much.

Naughty: How would they punish their darling?

He isn't big on hitting or casting painful spells- once the adrenaline wears down and he sees what he did, he always feels sick to his stomach. He preffers more classic, less direct methods: complete and utter isolation until his darling is begging for him, taking away all the entertainment his darling has, and more extreme methods like waterboarding.

Oppression: How many rights would they take away from their darling?

First of all, he doesn't want them going out. If it's absolutely necessary, he'll make sure they're dressed in baggy, inconspicuous clothing so nobody takes notice of them: and or course, he's there by their side the entire time. Second of all, he wants them to cut all communication with the outside world. It's better for them to forget their friends, after all- once they're taken to the Coral Sea, the chances of seeing them again are null.

Patience: How patient are they with their darling?

His darling is lucky he's such a patient man. He can take more tantrums, escape attempts, screams and tears than most- it's almost infuriating how calm he can remain most of the time.

Quit: If their darling dies, leaves, or successfully escapes, would they ever be able to move on?

It's an easy question- he wouldn't recover. His darling is one of the few people he considered himself to be truly close with, and losing them would deal a huge blow to him. It'd get bad enough that even trying to act like his usual self would be impossible- but he'd also vehemently refuse to speak of his sadness with anyone.

Regret: Would they ever feel guilty about abducting their darling? Would they ever let their darling go?

No, and no. He thinks his darling should be flattered by how intense his love is; they just need to adapt. Logically he knows humans don't like being caged up, but he's willing to make his darling lose that liberty so he can properly take care of them and love them.

Stigma: What brought about this side of them (childhood, curiosity, etc)?

He has no clue why he's fallen in love so deeply and in such a dark way, it just happened. This isn't the first time he's taken a romantic interest in someone, but never before had he felt such an obsession with the object of his desires, nor had he felt so many twisted impulses towards them. He has no idea what brought on this change: perhaps this is how true love feels like?

Tears: How do they feel about seeing their darling scream, cry, and/or isolate themselves?

It's tiring and he claims he doesn't like it, but... Truthfully he does get some twisted pleasure from watching his darling go through these dark periods. Just knowing their struggle is so hopeless, and that no matter what he's the only one they have- especially since he knows once his darling is exhausted of crying, they won't even complain if he takes them into his arms.

Unique: Would they do anything different from the classic yandere?

Classic yanderes are known to act "unhinged" or show a dark and violent side to their darling- Jade tries not to. He wants to be a good lover and have his darling run to him for safety and care (even if those emotions are... Fake, to an extent), so he'll work hard to make his darling feel dependant on him.

Vice: What weakness can their darling exploit in order to escape?

If his darling managed to fool him into thinking they'd settled down, accepted their fate and loved him, he would start letting down his guard just a bit. Not enough for them to escape right away; they'd need for Jade to decide they're calm and docile enough to take out on a hike or a date- and once out, there'll be a small chance his darling will be able to dash away and seek help. They better find someone strong or an authority as fast as they can once they run- otherwise the second Jade catches up, he'll tear apart whoever tried to help his darling.

Wit’s end: Would they ever hurt their darling?

He desperately tries not to unless it's absolutely needed. He wants his darling to see him as a loving figure- but punishments are a necessity sometimes...

Xoanon: How much would they revere or worship their darling? To what length would they go to win their darling over?

To him, his darling is the most beautiful person alive. He wants his darling to see themselves as he sees them; a beautiful, fragile and captivating person. He'll always make sure to remember them of all of these facts. If he gets his hands on a spell to turn his darling into a mermaid, he'd be quick to try and make them feel comfortable in their new form. He just loves his darling and wants to make sure they know!

Yearn: How long do they pine after their darling before they snap?

He lasts about a couple of months in love before confessing, then a good period of "normal" dating. He wanted to make sure everything was perfect- he didn't want to give in to his ugly impulses right away, but he knew he'd have to, eventually.

Zenith: Would they ever break their darling?

No, and he'd be careful not to. He loves his darling as they are- he just wants them to be more obedient to him and love him, not break them entirely. He would take great care to not end up crushing his darling's soul, trying his best to slowly acclimate them to their new life as his lover.

#twisted wonderland x reader #yandere twisted wonderland #yandere twisted wonderland x reader #twisted wonderland #twst x reader #twst #jade leech

[skateboardtotheheart]

Alex vs The Homo Sapiens Agenda

hello, everyone! i’ve been working on a fic titled “Alex vs The Homo Sapiens Agenda” for quite a long while, and i’m finally biting the bullet and posting the first chapter. this fic is based on the novel "Simon vs. The Homo Sapiens Agenda" by Becky Albertalli! it will be very closely based on the book, as well as some things from the movie "Love, Simon", and you may find dialogue or details that you recognize from either version of Becky Albertalli's story! i have no rights to the novel/movie or the JATP characters depicted in this fic. that said, there are a lot of details that are changed, and you'll be able to spot those really easily. this fic will be crossposted to my AO3 and can be located HERE. 

like i said, this fic has been a long time coming, and there is tons and tons i have planned for it. here on tumblr, i will be posting things like extra details, bonus content, and maybe some sneak previews! for now, let’s get into the fic!

SUMMARY: Alex Mercer is just like everyone else- only he has one huge ass secret. Nobody knows that he's gay, not even his closest friends and bandmates Luke, Reggie, and Julie. The only time he's ever mentioned it to someone, it was in an anonymous email chain with Ghost, another Los Feliz High School student. Alex can't risk coming out to anyone, but when his emails fall into the wrong hands, his secret is at risk of being thrust into a spotlight. Suddenly an already stressful junior year is all that more complicated as he juggles everyday drama, the school's annual band competition, blackmail, and trying not to lose his shot with the best guy he's ever met.

READ CHAPTER ONE BELOW THE CUT

Everything about this conversation is so out of the box of normal that I barely even register what's happening. Of course I'm the type of person who can't tell when this- something so crazy and awful and stressful and honest to God what the hell is happening- is going on. In my defense, Caleb Covington has never spoken to me before. I had no reason to assume that the first time he did, it would be to blackmail me.

We're taking a water break in the bleachers when Caleb saunters over. No greeting, no introduction- just words to send my entire junior year of high school spinning on its head.

"I read your email."

I swallow my water. "What?"

Caleb raises an eyebrow at me, and there's no other way to describe it but menacing. It's funny looking back on it all; I'd always heard Caleb was a really nice guy.

"I was in the library. And I read your email."

"You read my email?"

"Not on purpose. You really should have logged out of Gmail."

There's nothing I can do but stare at him, dumbfounded. What in the name of David Bowie is happening right now?

Caleb, thankfully, stops towering over me and takes a seat in the bleachers, a foot or so away. To anyone else, it might look like we're friends. To me, it feels like I can't breathe.

"Why the fake name?" Caleb asks, and my entire soul screams a wish that he would stop being so casual about this. 

I want to tell him that the point of a fake name is to keep people like Caleb Covington from knowing my secret. Way to freaking go, Alex. He must have seen me sitting at the computer like the monumental dumbass I am.

"Would it interest you to know my cousin is gay?"

"Um. No, Caleb. It really wouldn't."

He still has his eyebrow raised and a small smirk on his face. If I focus hard enough- kind of impossible right now- I can picture Luke punching it right off his face.

"What do you want Caleb?"

This is the longest five minute water break of my life. 

"Look, Mercer, I don't have a problem with it. It's not a big deal."

Yes, it really is. It's a huge monster of a deal. This is the biggest disaster since Luke slammed his fingers in a door and couldn't play his guitar. 

"But. . ." Caleb drags out, and I can feel my leg bouncing quicker by the second. "It's pretty clear to me that you'd rather keep it all hush, hush."

I mean. Yeah. Kind of. The coming out thing doesn't scare me that much. Except it does. Because if people know then my parents will know and if my parents know then my whole family will know and if my whole family knows then I've become like a living, gay, everyone-finds-out version of If You Give A Mouse A Cookie, and I'd rather die than have that happen. So maybe the coming out thing does scare me. But the biggest problem if people found out? 

Ghost.

I have absolutely no idea what it would mean for Ghost if Caleb was going to tell anyone. The thing about Ghost is he's a pretty private person. I bet he wouldn't forget to log out of his email so people like Caleb Covington wouldn't see it. I bet there's a good chance he'll never forgive me if he finds out about this. So really, I have absolutely no freaking clue what would happen to Ghost- to us.

And I'm still sitting in these stupid gym bleachers, the pink hydroflask Reggie bought me limp in my hand, desperately wishing Carrie would call an end to this godforsaken water break. I can't believe I'm having this conversation with Caleb right now. Why couldn't anyone else have logged into Gmail after me? Why was I so impatient to see if Ghost had emailed me back that I used the freaking school computers? Why did this stupid school insist on blocking the wireless so I had had no choice but to use the school computers? But it had been one of those days where I couldn't even wait to get out of dance practice to check my phone in my car.

I'd emailed Ghost this morning, and it had been a pretty big email. I was desperate to know if he'd emailed back.

I must have been just staring at Caleb for a while because he cocked his head at me and said, "Don't worry, Mercer. I'm not going to show anyone."

I take a relieved breath. Then my hydroflask finally slips from my fingers as I freeze, and the sound echoes through the gym. I don't even look at the rest of the dancers when their laughs break out.

"Show anyone?" I ask. 

Caleb leans in a little bit, smirk wider on his face. I feel sick.

"Did you- oh my god, did you screenshot my emails?"

"Yes, see, I wanted to talk to you about that."

"You took a fucking screenshot?" I hiss out, thankful I'd put my stuff farther away from the rest of the dance team today.

Caleb has the audacity to roll his eyes. "I've heard you're in a band with-"

"What the fuck does that have to do with- Let's go back to how you screenshot my email."

"Or you can shut up and listen to what I have to say." 

Something about the way Caleb's gaze catches you, it's hard to do anything but what he says. Fuck.

"I believe we may be in a position to help each other out."

Jesus Christ, what 18 year old talks like this?

"Why the hell would I do anything for you?"

It's a stupid question, I realize as he stares at me calmly. Calmly. Like this isn't the end of my life. Whatever he wants right now, it'll be in exchange. I do this, and he doesn't broadcast my private emails with Ghost to the entire student body.

All this time and I really thought Caleb was supposed to be this nice guy. Fuck me.

"You're going to make me do whatever you want?"

Caleb tsk'd like the condescending bastard he clearly is. "Well, now. I'm not making you do anything."

"But if I don't help you, you'll what? Post my emails on the fucking tumblr?"

LosFelizSecrets. The bane of every Los Feliz student's existence. Ground zero for more gossip than anyone in their right mind knows what to do with. A school of almost 3,000 kids but if it's on the tumblr, most people know within a day. A complete and utter hellscape disguised as a blog.

When Caleb stays quiet, I speak again. "What do you want from me, Caleb?"

He sneers. 

"Music of the Night."

Once again, I'm stuck staring at him. Music of the Night? That's what this is about?

"Your band is signed up, as is mine. The HGC lost to Dirty Candy last year, and I will not lose again this year."

Music of the Night is this competition Los Feliz holds every year as part of the music program. At the end of the year, there's this huge concert held at the Orpheum theatre in Hollywood. At the beginning of the school year, anyone can sign up. Then each band has 4 months to perform at school events, outside gigs and parties, and whenever they have an opportunity, really. During winter break, the student body votes on who the headliner of the concert will be. Last year, the headliner was Dirty Candy. Because they won last year, they're out of the running this year and are in charge of organization and things for the concert. This year, I was hoping the headliner would be Julie and the Phantoms. My band. Caleb and his band HGC has entered the competition every year, and he's never won. He's a senior, and I know this will be his last chance. I also know who his biggest competition is. 

Us.

"So. . . what? You want me to sabotage my own band?"

I feel breathless and dizzy as I ask. Caleb just shrugs casually.

"Whatever you need to do. So long as it's my band that gets the votes. Like I said, I think we can help each other out. Think about it."

Caleb winks- he actually winks- and walks away. I stare dumbly after him. No way. No, I'm not doing this. I can live with being outed. Right? 

But my thoughts travel to Ghost. Because he's a part of this, too. He goes to Los Feliz, and he's my age, and he uses a fake name, and he's not out. 

Ghost isn't out, and Caleb has my emails.

Fuck.

----------

Any hope I have of forgetting about that stupid conversation clearly isn’t worth it. I have an hour before dinner, and right now I’m basically willing to do anything to avoid my family. Trying to talk to my parents is exhausting. You can’t just get away with telling them your day was good or bad. No, you have to ring out every excruciating little detail. Everything that happens in my or my siblings’ life, they want to know about it. In all honesty, I used to love telling them all that stuff. Now I can’t get away from them fast enough. Especially today. I’m barely in the house long enough to put my backpack in my room before I’m slipping out the back door and leaving again. 

I try to drown out my thoughts with Axl Rose screaming into my earbuds. But my mind is stuck on Ghost, emails, and Caleb freaking Covington. Caleb wants to win Music of the Night. I can’t exactly blame him for that. Everyone wants to win it. 

Except he’s blackmailing me. And by extension, he’s blackmailing Ghost. And that makes me want to hyperventilate a little bit. Maybe go scream somewhere. 

But Axl Rose is helping. The familiar route of walking to Luke’s is helping. We don’t get much of a fall in LA, but the air feels a little crisper in mid October, and I can already see the houses that are getting ready for Halloween. 

When I reach Luke’s house, I don’t even bother going through the front door. I just cut through his backyard and head through the backdoor right next to Luke’s bedroom. I hear them before I see them. Reggie’s laugh fills the air, paired with a frustrated groan from Luke. They’re sitting side by side on Luke’s bed, facing the small tv with some video game I’ve never seen on the screen. They look like they haven’t moved in hours. Luke pauses the game as soon as he sees me, waving, and I can’t help but smile a little bit. The guy won’t put down his guitar for you, but he’ll pause a video game or movie without a second thought. 

“Great, you’re here! Tell Luke he’s shit at this game and he should let me play Mario Kart.”

I roll my eyes, “Dance was great, Reg. Thanks for asking.”

Reggie sticks out his tongue, and I crack a smile. This is the most comfortable I’ve felt all afternoon. I throw myself into the beat up bean bag chair Luke keeps in his room.

“Luke, you’re shit at this game and Reggie wants to play Mario Kart.”

Luke gapes at me, a betrayed gleam in his eyes, but I just shrug. Luke grumbles a bit as he gets up to switch out the game, and Reggie whoops in victory. I let out a soft sigh. I think I needed this. The chaos of Reggie and Luke playing whatever game, the strange mix of leather, Axe, and his mom’s Hawaiian Breeze cleaner that makes Luke’s room smell awful and entirely wonderful at the same time, and the familiarity of Luke and Reggie. Everything just fits right when I’m with them. 

As Luke sets up the game, Reggie looks at me excitedly. “Alex, Luke hasn’t heard about le wedgie.”

I snort a little, “Ah, yes. Le wedgie. C’est une histoire touchante.”

I don’t know why Reggie bothered to wait for me to tell the story; he’s the far better storyteller between us. Maybe it’s just because I’m better at French. 

Luke stares at me, “English, please?”

Reggie and I thought we’d be fancy and take something fun like French for our required language credits. Luke decided to take something actually useful and learn sign language. This story is stupid, and my reenactment is stupid, but it feels kind of perfect. Like Caleb and secrets are all things of my imagination, and nothing exists but this bedroom and me, Luke, and Reggie. Benefits of having known these dorks since elementary school, I guess. 

About as they finish the second race in Mario Kart, Luke lets out a yawn. Reggie reacts so quickly I barely realize what he’s doing. He grabs a crumpled up Hershey’s Kiss wrapper from Luke’s nightstand and throws it into Luke’s mouth. Luke sees it just in time to clamp his mouth shut. Reggie sighs in defeat, but shrugs.

“Keep yawning, I’ll get you one of these times.”

“Why are you so tired?”

“Because I party real hard. All night, every night, baby,” Luke says, slamming Reggie’s bike with a green turtle shell. 

“Alone in your room with your guitar. Some party that is,” Reggie retaliated with a bomb thrown in Luke’s direction. 

As the race finishes Luke yawns again, and Reggie’s Kiss wrapper bounces off his cheek. 

“I just keep having these weird dreams,” he explains. 

I raise my eyebrows. “TMI, dude.”

“Not that kind of dream!” Luke tosses the wrappers at me, Reggie cackling beside him. 

Luke starts explaining his dream- something about every time he started playing his guitar his cord had magically unplugged itself from his amp- and Reggie and I just share a look. We were used to Luke being in his weird, feels-the-need-to-analyze-everything moods. But even after all these years, it was almost like a movie, watching Luke get so weirdly passionate about things- music and otherwise. It made me glad that Luke was a brother to me by everything but blood. Partly because if he wasn’t, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to stop myself from falling for him. And I have a strict policy about not falling for straight guys.

To everyone but me and Reggie- immune to him after knowing pretty much every thought that’s ever gone through his head since elementary school- there’s this pull to Luke. Like he casts a spell that has everyone in a 10 mile radius tripping at his feet and each and every girl swooning. Poor Julie is not immune to the spell, it seems. Lucky for her though, Luke doesn’t seem immune to her either. 

It took barely a few weeks into the school year before I noticed Luke switching seats with Willie Meyers at lunch to increase the odds he’d end up right next to Julie. Then there’s that stupid, puppy-dog, love-sick look in his eyes that Luke gets every time he thinks Julie isn’t looking. And it’s not like Reggie and I haven’t put up with a pining Luke before, but everything seems a little different with Julie. It makes me think of Ghost. 

Would I look like that if I saw him in person? Would he look at me like that? 

If Caleb leaks my emails and Ghost hates me forever, I don’t think I’ll ever find out.

-----------

chapter one complete!

i'll let everyone know right now that i have no clear updating schedule for this fic; it's kind of hard to write and get down the way i want, so i'm not sure how long anything will take me. but it is summer break for me, so hopefully you'll all start seeing consistent posting of new chapters!

i hope you all liked this first chapter, or are at least intrigued to read some more. as i said in the starting notes, this will be cross posted to my AO3! Feel free to leave me a comment here if you would like, or head over there if you have any comments about the fic at any point! feel free to send me a message/ask on here if you have any questions or comments, too! my inbox is open any time <3

if anyone would like me to start a tag list, let me know and i’ll get that done right away!

this fanfic is definitely my baby, so i really hope you guys all like it as much as i do!

thanks <3

#jatp #julie and the phantoms #jatp fanfic #fanfiction #alex mercer #willie jatp #luke patterson #reggie peters #julie molina #willex #simon vs the homo sapiens agenda #love simon #alternate universe #willex fic #owen patrick joyner #booboo stewart #alex vs the homo sapiens agenda #AvtHSA

[stellarlex]

The Fog is Lifting (5/?) - Miraculous Ladybug

Intermission Part 1: ~Adrien Agreste after the first phone call~

-------------

The moment he hung up that phone, the smile slid off of his face, and with speed he thought he could only achieve while cloaked with miraculous magic, Adrien Agreste raced to his unnecessarily enormous bathroom....

And vomited.

He puked, and puked, and puked some more, until absolutely nothing was left. Throughout his heaving, he could faintly feel Plagg gently rubbing his back, showing concern he often buried under snark, sass, and mountains of Camembert cheese.

When his stomach finally deemed itself empty enough to stop him from heaving any longer, Adrien flushed the toilet and sat on the cold tiled floor, and began to cry. His body, already trembling from muscle spasms due to vomiting, began to tremble even more as he descended into sobs. Tiredly, he brought his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them, and burying his face into what little space his arms had left to offer.

He hurt.

Oh did he hurt.

It took everything within him to not break down after hearing of Marinette's ordeal with Lila and her lack of faith in him as a friend. He held it back for the most part, but he did crack a little. And that crack just expanded more and more as he continued to listen about the monster Lila Rossi; The monster that he'd help to run rampant. The nausea he felt building with every realization, with every painful impact that Lila's foul lies had caused, and even the damage Chloe had done that he'd dismissed or shrugged off, was almost too much to bear. He'd been forced to steel himself, to not give away the storm of emotions that burned inside him like acid.

And even now, the guilt, the shame, the anger, the self loathing he felt towards himself was absolutely eating him alive.

And yet there was nothing. No sounds other than his sobbing. No wind from the open window, no dripping from the faucets. Even the water in the toilet next to him was absolutely still.

More importantly, however, is that there was no fluttering of butterfly wings, and no voice in his head trying to convince him to steal the Ladybug and Black Cat miraculous.

He guessed that was for the best. Being akumatized on top of everything else that had occurred would only make him feel even more like a failure. Because that's what he was.

A complete and utter failure.

No matter how much anyone tried to say he wasn't, there was no changing just how much he'd utterly failed when it came to the current situation. He failed to realize just how dangerous Lila was, despite numerous examples. He failed to notice just how much the class dynamic was shifting to Lila's advantage. He failed to have common sense.

And most importantly, he failed Marinette.

And apparently, he'd been failing her for a long time, as evidenced by her admission of her lack of faith in him. His stomach lurched as he realized that he'd been failing Marinette since the day he met her, when he decided to bite his tongue about who actually put gum on her seat. And with that memory, more began to flip through his mind like some kind of sick film. He could do nothing but watch as his multiple failures to help and protect his friend replayed in his head over and over again. Forcing to him to relive his failures. But with each replay, he learned something new about his friend that he never realized before. He saw how she tried to hide her disappointment and hurt. He saw the frustration that tightened her jaw before smiling like everything was okay.

He saw how resigned she looked when she was denied justice, and forced apologize or take responsibility for things that were in no way her fault. He saw her exhausted smiles, and bags under her eyes as she tried her best to be their Everyday Ladybug. He saw how sad she looked when her concerns were dismissed, and how frustrated she was to stick to his idiotic advice about taking the high road with Lila, even though it hurt and infuriated her to let Lila lie and take advantage of their friends.

And as he saw this, strangely, his grief began to lessen as resolve took it's place. Resolve to be better, to do better. Resolve to learn from his horrible mistake.

Resolve to make things better for Marinette.

After all, he was at fault for failing to recognize the threat that Lila was and is, and was at least partially responsible for the people she hurt because of her lies. He could have and should have exposed her a long time ago. If not because of her making promises she couldn't keep to their classmates, but because she clearly hates Ladybug enough to side with Hawk Moth, a terrorist, in order to take her down. Why he didn't expose her after that he can only chalk up to pure naive stupidity.

The last of his sobs and sniffling quieted as he took one last shuddering breath before his breathing evened out. His mournful expression faded as he reached over to the toilet paper to wipe his mouth. Tossing it into the toilet and flushing, he stood up a bit shakily, trying his best to ignore the pins and needles feeling of circulation returning to his legs. As he walked to the bathroom counter to brush his teeth, he heard the light 'whooshing' sound of Plagg's flight near his head.

"Well, that happened." Plagg said, as he took in Adrien's expression in the mirror. Adrien scoffed, clearly not in the mood for Plagg's snarkiness, as he grabbed his toothbrush and toothpaste.

"You were there to hear everything, so yeah." Adrien said as he began depositing a dollop of toothpaste onto his toothbrush. "Do me a favor. Just tell me 'you told me so' and move on. I don't think I can take any more reminders about my utter stupidity and failure tonight." He said as he shoved the toothbrush into his mouth and almost violently began scrubbing his teeth.

"I told you so." Plagg said as he shrugged his tiny shoulders, before gently perching on Adrien's shoulder. "But I don't think you're stupid. Naive, definitely. Soft hearted, check. But stupid, absolutely not."

Adrien spat into the sink. "Plagg, don't patronize me. You heard everything they said. You saw how hurt Marinette was. How could I not be stupid? I could've nipped Lila's nonsense in the bud the very same day she lied to me on her first day of school. I could have stopped the spread of her influence. But instead I allowed her to run rampant, and mistakenly put her feelings above everyone else's. I allowed her lies to infect our classmates like a virus, and didn't notice how she was slowly turning everyone in our class against Marinette. She threatened Marinette and then had the nerve to try and con me into believing her lies like she hadn't just threatened someone."

Plagg's ears and tail drooped as he saw the fury building in Adrien's expression.

"What's worse is that she keeps trying to con me after she was already exposed by Ladybug as a liar right in front of me! And even called Ladybug the liar! And then there's that whole thing that happened when she attacked me for calling her out on it and stuffing me in my locker, and then tried to use my image to do the same thing she had just threatened to do to Marinette! And what did I do? Oh that's right. NOTHING. I didn't expose her."

"To be fair," Plagg cut in. "it's not like Pigtails told you about the threat. You didn't know about that when you gave her that advice so technically, you couldn't possibly have known just how dangerous Lila was."

"That's one of the worst parts of all of this. Because of my stupidity in dealing with Chloe, Marinette didn't have faith that I would do the right thing when it came to Lila. She didn't think I would be on her side or even believe her. We were supposed to be in this together and I practically handed the key to Marinette's demise right into Lila's hands because of my negligence. And then there's the fact that she helped Hawk Moth by working with Onii-chan when she wasn't even akumatized. She faked an injury just to separate Ladybug and I so that Onii-chan could defeat Ladybug. Ladybug could have been killed if that plan had succeeded. And yet," Adrien said with a self-depreciating laugh. "and yet I didn't expose her! Not even when she broke into my house, put me in a headlock, forced a kiss on me, took a picture of it, and then sent it to all of my contacts to make it look like she and I were dating!"

"Adrien, STOP." Plagg said as he flew from Adrien's shoulder to stop in front of his face. "I get it, you messed up. Everyone does. The important part is that you learn from it and try your best to do better. If anyone in this whole mess is stupid it's Chloe and Lila. They do wrong and when there are consequences, they refuse to learn and they refuse to do better. They blame others and are too self-absorbed to realize that the world doesn't revolve around them, and that other people matter besideds them. You could have done better with Chloe, I agree. But you tried to be stern with her and although it looked like she was trying to be kinder, it was insincere. She was only after your friendship. You two have a long history, and she was your only friend for most of your life until recently. You went easier on her when you shouldn't have, but you aren't responsible for her behavior. You even tried to help Lila, and she attacked you for it. I know you don't want to give up on people, but there are times when you should prune people from your life. You want them to be good, and believe they can, but those two have proven time and time again that they just aren't willing to do that."

"But I'm supposed to be a hero. I'm supposed to encourage people to do good." Adrien says, looking down at the counter, his fists clenched.

"Exactly. You're supposed to encourage them, not force them. You can't force someone to be good Adrien, and it's not your responsibility or place to do so. People who choose to do wrong are wholly responsible for those decisions." Plagg said before floating lower to look Adrien in the eyes. "You're being too hard on yourself. If you were really as bad as you say you are, you wouldn't be a hero, or this torn up about your mistakes. I would have never met you, and I would rather never have cheese again if it meant you couldn't be my Black Cat." Plagg said, a tender smile on his face.

Plagg's image began to blur as Adrien's eyes filled with tears. "You really mean that?" He said as he sniffled.

"Yeah kid, I do." Plagg said as he flew up and gently hugged Adrien's cheek and rubbed his own against his. "And if you tell anyone about this conversation I will deny it."

Adrien let out a watery laugh as he gently rubbed his eyes free of any tears. "Yeah I figured. Thank you Plagg."

"Yeah yeah you're welcome. Now rinse that toothpaste out of your mouth. You look rabid." Plagg said as he retreated from the bathroom to find some cheese.

Adrien looked into the mirror and snorted before finishing up and rinsing his mouth. Mouth thoroughly cleaned, he looked back into the mirror at his reflection and began to frown. Despite what Plagg had said, it didn't change the fact that he'd failed. But just like before, resolve began to build within him. Resolve to correct his mistakes. Resolve to learn from his mistakes.

And most importantly, resolve to be a hero. In and out of the mask.

And first on his list of villains to take down was Lila Rossi. Between her and Chloe, Lila was undoubtedly the most dangerous because her true nature was widely unknown, and her ability to instigate akuma attacks via her manipulations left lasting damage even after the akuma victim was defeated. She is a devil in disguise that hides behind a fake smile and fake stories that tugged at the heart strings. Her ability to turn people's words against them and wriggle out of being exposed was going to be tough to contend with, but with the help of his newly discovered allies, he was going to make sure that Lila would never be believed again.

And he knew just who to call to help him make that happen.

And so as Adrien turned on his heel to walk out of his bathroom, he began to plan.

------------

Adrien was still up by the time sunrise came around. His phone call with Alya last night had given him a very good idea. As a model, he had quite a bit of inside knowledge when it came to photos and privacy laws. No doubt Alya did as well, being a journalist. He doubted that Lila knew them, considering how boldly she acted when she took that picture of him in his bedroom and then spread it around.

When Alya told him that what Lila had done was considered sexual assault, it stuck with him. She lied her way into his home, snooped through his things, put him in a headlock and kissed him, took a picture of it, and then spread it around. If that wasn't bad enough, it risked two of his guardian's jobs and caused an akuma attack.

He sighed, brushing his hair from his face. He was tired, having been up all night planning Lila's downfall. But for the most part, he believed that he'd finally come up with something to at least put the wheels in motion. Luckily, Adrien knew the family attorney's number like the back of his hand, and she would be arriving this morning. And even if his father didn't agree, Adrien made more than enough money to hire her himself and pay for the legal fees. He didn't think it'd come to that, however. He and his father were never really close, but Adrien knew enough about his father to know that his father cared about the image of his company and the image his family more than anything. And with what he already had planned, his father would have no choice but to side with him on this matter.

Sitting back in his chair and stretching, he was startled by the sound of a text notification. Quickly grabbing his phone and seeing Alya's name, he grinned before opening the text and responding back. She was almost done with her article. He barely had enough time to finish his text and send it before there was a knock at his door. He jumped up, startled, and he could see in the corner of his eye that so did Plagg before zipping under the bed to hide. The door opened and Nathalie stepped in, looking nearly as put together as she usually did if not for the frown on her face. She seemed to pause, more than likely surprised to see him awake before clearing her throat and standing in her usual rigid stance.

"Adrien, please get dressed quickly. Your father would like to see you in his office right away." She said before turning on her heel and exiting the room, no doubt standing outside the door.

Adrien sighed before standing up to get dressed. "Didn't even say good morning."

------------

As Nathalie escorted him from his room to his father's office, he figured that their family attorney had been concerned that she was contacted by Adrien and not his father, and then contacted his father to make sure that everything was okay. He also figured his father would be highly annoyed and would have tried to cancel the meeting he made with her. No such luck. Since Adrien had contacted her, it would have to be Adrien that would have to cancel the meeting. No doubt his father would pressure him to do so, but he wouldn't budge on this. He couldn't, not when there was so much at stake. His phone was in his pocket, and the moment things were in place, he would enact the first part of his plan.

He wouldn't let his father bully him this time.

When they reached his father's office door, Nathalie swiftly opened it for him and gestured for him to go in. He took a deep breath, and then stepped inside the lion's den where his father was predictably waiting, standing in front of his mother's enormous portrait. Nathalie entered behind him before shutting the door and standing to the side.

"Adrien, whatever nonsense you are planning ends now. You will call our attorney and cancel the meeting." Gabriel said as he turned around. He was as imposing and intimidating as ever as he glared down at him. But whatever nervousness that had built up on his way there was quickly discarded as he stood as tall as he could in opposition of his father.

"No father, I will not." Adrien said, but couldn't help but shrink a little as his father's glare intensified.

"Perhaps I didn't make myself clear. You will call the attorney, and you will cancel the meeting. There is nothing else to discuss." Gabriel said as he came closer, his imposing stance becoming even more intimidating with every step. But Adrien would not falter. He steeled himself, balling up his fists as his expression hardened.

"I said no, father. I called her here for an important reason."

"And what, pray tell could be reason enough to call the family attorney without my permission? I highly doubt it's anything really important. You're just like your mother, dramatic about everything." Gabriel said as he looked down at Adrien.

Before he could respond, the doorbell rang. Nathalie swiftly went to her desk to view who it was through the security camera, before turning back to Gabriel. "It's Mme. Deveraux, sir."

Gabriel nodded. "Let her in. I doubt she'll be here long since Adrien will cancel the meeting."

"I'm not canceling the meeting father. I already said no." Adrien said. He was getting really sick of his father acting like his feelings and decisions didn't matter.

"Stop your foolishness at once. This is not a silly game. You have wasted Mme. Deveraux's time by calling her here and have embarrassed me and this company." Gabriel sneered.

There was a knock on the door, but Adrien ignored Nathalie moving passed him to focus completely on his father. It was clear that Gabriel couldn't be reasoned with, so Adrien had to make sure that he had leverage, and what he had to say would certainly stun his father into silence.

"I didn't call her here for something foolish! You don't even know the reason I called her and you're already dismissing me, just like you always do! I wouldn't have even had to call her on my own if you would for once care about how I feel!"

"That's enough Adrien! Clearly your time in school around those hooligans you call 'friends' have been a bad influence on you. Lila Rossi was correct in her reports."

.....

What?

"Did you just say Lila Rossi?" Adrien said as his fists clenched even tighter, his nails and his miraculous biting into his skin. That....That was not something Adrien saw coming. He and his friends had already talked about how devious Lila was. He'd never thought that she'd already wormed her way into father's good graces, let alone act as a spy for him.

But it was more than that though. Based on what his father had just admitted to, it seemed that Lila had been very diligent in making sure that Adrien bent to her whims. The fact that she had been using his father to do so, and his father had allowed it, infuriated him.

"Yes, I did. She informed me of how naive you were and offered her help to look after you in school to help cut out all of the bad influences there. But based on your behavior, I fear I may have been too late."

"...You trust Lila over me? Your own son?"

"Based on how you're acting? Absolutely." Gabriel said.

The office door opened then, Nathalie escorting an olive skinned woman wearing a black pant suit. Her hair flowed down in dark shoulder length curls, her eyes a deep brown, almost black.

But Adrien wasn't paying attention to what Mme. Deveraux looked like, because her entrance had given him the chance (and the payback) that he'd been waiting for. He straightened his stance and crossed his arms.

"Well it's a good thing I did call Mme. Deveraux then, since Lila Rossi sexually assaulted me."

Gabriel's jaw dropped as Nathalie and Mme. Deveraux gasped, but Adrien kept talking before he could be interrupted. "And considering that you just admitted that you hired her to spy on me at school, I was right not to trust you to have my best interest at heart in this situation."

The room was silent for a moment, but Adrien realized it soon wouldn't be as he watched his father's dropped jaw clench, as well as his fists, before Mme. Deveraux stepped between them, closer to Adrien to block him from Gabriel's vision.  

"M. Agreste, perhaps it would be better if we all sat down and talked about this."

Gabriel glared, but straightened up, fixing his ascot. "There is no need for that. Adrien is being ridiculous and trying everything he can to get attention. I'm sorry that he wasted your time, my assistant will see you out."

Mme. Deveraux narrowed her eyes at him. "Unfortunately sir, that will not be happening."

"....Excuse me?" Gabriel said, his shoulders tensing.

Mme. Deveraux crossed her arms. "I said, that will not be happening. Your son is the one who called this meeting with me and as you know, only he can cancel it. He also just made a claim of sexual assualt, and since he is a minor, I am lawfully obligated to investigate on his behalf. Especially since you, his own father, didn't believe. him."

Gabriel's eyes narrowed to slits. "I could always fire you, Mme. Deveraux. I am Adrien's father and I know what's best for him. Entertaining his dramatics is not what I pay you for."

"True, you could do that." Mme. Deveraux said. "But the thing is that it wasn't just you that hired me. I was also hired by Emilie Graham de Vanily Agreste to protect Adrien's interests. She may be missing, but she did not concede her authority over my employment to you. In her contract she also gave her sister Amelie Graham de Vanily authority over my employment if she was not available. I would need Amelie's and your signature to conclude my services."

"That is preposterous! I have never signed any contract like that."

Mme. Deveraux turned her head towards Nathalie. "Mme. Sanceour, as diligent as you are I'm sure you can easily pull up the contract from your records."

Adrien was almost startled to see Nathalie's usually stone cold assuredness, falter and crumble into uncertainty as she looked toward his father as if she were meekly asking his permission. He saw his father give a small nod, despite the glare on his face. Nathalie immediately began tapping away on her tablet. Her lack of tapping less than thirty seconds later informs the room that she's found the contract. Everyone watches as her eyes skim over what she's reading, and because everyone is watching her, they are immediately alerted when they see her expression crumple.

"Um, sir? Unfortunately, Mme. Deveraux is telling the truth. You did in fact sign the contract. Your wife's signature along with her sister Amelie's signature is also here. According to the dates of the signatures, your wife and her sister signed this first, and you were the last to sign. You even signed the part where you acknowledge that you have read it thoroughly."

"I also have video of your wife making her intentions very clear about the contract, as well as creating her will. I can forward that video to Nathalie on a later date. But as you can clearly see, I was telling the truth." Mme. Deveraux said.

Nathalie expression crumpled even further. "She's right. I'm sorry sir, but you are bound by the contract."

Before Gabriel could speak again, Mme. Deveraux cut him off.

"If you did not fully read the contract, that's your problem, not mine. The point is, that no matter how much you don't want me here right now, you have to deal with it. And even if you did succeed in firing me, I would still work for Adrien pro-bono, and I would also report you to the courts for trying to cover up a sexual assault accusation made by your child. You would lose custody of him before the day ends."

Adrien had never seen his father look so furious, but on the inside, Adrien couldn't be happier. Just like Adrien had hoped, his father was cornered and had no choice but to follow along with what Adrien wanted.

Mme. Deveraux gestured to the chairs around the coffee table. "Now, just like I stated previously, it would be better if we sat down and talked about this." She then took a seat on the couch and looked pointedly at his father when he continued to stand in place. "Please have a seat Gabriel. It's impolite to dawdle when you have guests, and it certainly doesn't look good from a business standpoint either."

His father grimaced and then took a seat, and after he did, Nathalie sat beside his father without fail. Both looked extremely uncomfortable and upset, and Adrien couldn't help but let a small grin slip onto his face. Before Mme. Deveraux could begin speaking, Adrien spoke up.

"Ah, before we begin, I'd like to go to the restroom."

Mme. Deveraux  smiled and nodded. "Of course Adrien. I'll handle the preliminary issues while you're gone. As per my standard policy, everything beginning from the moment I arrived has been recorded to prevent any issues of hearsay, impropriety, etc. I assure you, you will not be kept in the dark about anything unless you explicitly want to be."

He nodded. "Thank you." He then turned on his heel and walked out of his father's office. The moment the door closed behind him he sprinted up the stairs, into his room, and into the bathroom. He leaned back against his bathroom door and slowly slid down it until he landed on his butt on the floor. And unlike the night before, what spilled out him this time was not tears, but laughter.

Pure, unrestrained, belly aching, snorting laughter.

He laughed long, and he laughed hard, and would have done so even longer if he wasn't startled by his phone getting a text message. Quickly, he pulled out his phone and pressed stop on the recording app he'd had running just before he left his room earlier to go to his father's office. He saved the recording, and then opened the text.

                                                           -

                                                Text Message                                              Saturday 7:03 A.M

Alya: I just finished the rough draft on the article you asked me to write. Here's a copy: Attachment: "The Hjonkening has begun!"

                                                         -

Adrien snorted, then made the decision to video call Alya rather than waste time texting.

"You get my text message Sunshine?" Alya said, and Adrien could hear the exhaustion in her voice and see it on her face. She'd either stayed up most of the night, or woken up early, and Adrien would bet money that it was the latter. Last night had been pretty emotionally exhausting for all of them. They'd been extremely lucky not to have been targeted by Hawk Moth, and Adrien mentally thanked Tikki for blessing them with the good fortune to be able to work through their emotions without repercussions. To be able to feel emotions freely was a luxury no one in Paris could afford thanks to Hawk Moth, so he was extremely thankful. He'd have to give her something nice if and when he got the opportunity to see her again.

"Yeah I got your message, and I see I'm not the only one who enjoys Untitled Goose Game memes. Ironic since you gave me grief over them last night." Adrien grinned.

"Oh hush, Marinette and I watched Jacksepticeye play it a few weeks ago. The memes are terrible but I can't deny that the chaotic power of the Goose is enticing. I want this power so that I can have vengeance against that liar for what she's done." Alya said.

"Oh trust me, I know the feeling. After everything that happened last night, I've realized that this was able to go on for so long because I let it. I tried to give Lila multiple chances to be a decent human being, and it backfired. I realized I tried to do the same thing with Chloe and that backfired too. I was stupid to believe that just giving them chances would change them. What I should have done was held them accountable. I should have held Chloe accountable all those times back then, and I should have done the same for Lila. Marinette would have trusted me to have her back if I had, and she more than likely wouldn't have kept the fact that she was threatened to herself either. But that's going to change. I'm through with giving people chances that just take advantage of them."

"I hear you Sunshine. I'm glad that we're all working together on this. I'm especially thankful for Mylene. It was her that noticed Lila's behavior, and actually investigated to gather evidence. She did more work and had more success in revealing Lila's true colors in less than a day than I did in the entire time that Lila has been going to our school, and I'm the journalist. If anyone should have caught on to Lila's crap in the beginning, it was me. Even when I put out my retractions and apologies on the Ladyblog after all of this, it won't change the fact that my credibility has been ruined. It hurts, but it's no less than what I deserve for not doing my job. I got blinded by the gold plated crap coming out Lila's mouth, and hurt my best friend by not believing her. I even held Marinette to the same standards I was supposed to abide by and demanded evidence that Lila was lying, and did none of the research." Alya said, her expression downcast.

"At least you're taking responsibility. And I think your viewers will be more forgiving once we take Lila down. Speaking of which, it turns out that my father had hired her to spy on me in school."  

Adrien saw Alya's face twist into something resembling fury and disgust.

"......What?"

"Exactly. I'll tell you the details later, but what I will say is that something is suspicious about that entire thing. My dad is smart, and extremely paranoid. He would never fall for Lila's lies. He's the type to take out multiple background checks on his potential and current employees. He would never just strike this kind of deal. I don't know if there's any paperwork regarding her quote, "services" unquote, but I highly doubt it. Lila would never want any paperwork because that would leave a trail."

"Get to the point Sunshine. The girls will be waking up soon and if you wanna keep this part secret, I suggest you hurry up."

"Right, sorry. My point is that my dad would know exactly what kind of person Lila was. The fact that he would hire her to spy on me is out of character. Especially since he's always been paranoid about my safety. He said that she's been reporting to him to help cut out all of the negative influences at school. He even said he trusted her more than me."

"And I bet I know who's on the list Lila believes is a bad influence on you." Alya said.

Adrien nods. "Marinette."

"At this point Sunshine, I would be more concerned with why your dad, who is smart enough to know what kind of person Lila is, is allowing Lila to have her way in the first place and backing her. We know what Lila is getting out of it, possible sway over your life and better access to you with your dad's blessing, but what could your dad possibly get out of it? If he wanted you separate from your friends he could do that himself by just taking you out of school."

Adrien went still. Alya was right. It wasn't hard to see what Lila was getting out of being associated with his father, the self serving parasite that she was. But his father was another matter entirely. Fortunately for Adrien, he had a great attorney on his side who had his father cornered.

Adrien grinned. "That is curious, but don't worry. I've got my dad right where I want him. Thankfully, my family attorney is firmly on my side and has made it very clear to my father that he has no power over her. I confessed that Lila sexually assaulted me while she was there, and she warned my dad that if he tried anything he would regret it."

"That reminds me of why we're talking. I-"

"Alya?"

Adrien could see Alya's head turn, and behind her was her two younger sisters, rubbing the bleariness from their eyes.

Alya quickly turned back around. "Oops, gotta go Sunshine. Don't forget to read the file I sent you, and make sure you save multiples in different locations just in case. Give one to your lawyer too. It'd be better for her to look it over before I post it so that we have our bases covered. See you Monday!"

Alya hung up, and Adrien looked at the time on his phone before standing up. He'd been gone for long enough and he didn't want the others to get suspicious. He quickly sent a copy of the recording to Mme. Deveraux, instructing her to keep that secret until further notice.  Going back to his texts with Alya, he quickly downloaded the attachment that Alya sent and begin reading over it on his way back to his father's office. He didn't realize it, but as he read, a smug grin grew larger and larger on his face.

This.....This was going to be good.

------------

Tags: @akana-sama @heredemaquam @lamestplaceontheinternet @graduatedmelon @vivilakitty @sinfulfoxbeast @dnsakina @fatimaabbasrizvi @crazylittlemunchkin @two-faced-biatch @coccinellegirl @elliecake5 @rekindledloveforbooks

#ml salt #ml fic #ml season 3 #startrain #mylene haprele #the fog is lifting #adrien agreste #lexysama

[beghostdocrimes]

Blood Blossoms

Happy Holidays @qlinq-qhost! I was your Secret Santa this year. The prompt you gave me, and I quote, was ‘a n g s t hour with Danno’. Hope I managed to catch that, combined with your suggestions of Blood Blossoms.

Enjoy!

AO3

Danny knew what pain was.

The constant bruises and muscle aches from fighting were there to prove it. The exhaustion that clung onto him and seeped into his very bones, making him want to do nothing more than to just go to bed and sleep for a month. The mental strain that showed itself in tired eyes and sleeping in class and at the dinner table. 

There were things he didn’t want to think about that hurt more. 

Skulker’s continuous taunts and weird stalker behavior, Spectra’s sneers, Vlad’s constant creeping he couldn’t help but get used to somehow (which was even worse), the Observants’ supervision on his every move, Clockwork’s warnings that rang in his ears every second it was completely silent, his friends’ and sister’s worry…

And a million more things were constantly hammering in his head.

There were the easy days, on which the Box Ghost showed up maybe two or three times, or Technus decided to show his face on Tucker’s PDA at random. He had learned to take care of those within 10 and 30 minutes, respectively. Missing half a class was still better than missing a whole one, or even an entire day. Some bruises were the worst damage he got from that, though sometimes Technus managed to get him to burn himself on some electricity from one of his devices. He could deal with those.

Some days were manageable, with Skulker or Spectra showing up. He’d just try to ignore their constant yammering and focused on getting them into the Thermos asap. Skulker packed a serious punch, and Danny figured he’d at least had one sprained...something every time, plus maybe a light concussion on the worst days. Spectra...did more mental damage than the others, and that pain took longer to go away. Jazz tried to help, but she didn’t understand exactly what it did to him.

He had to deal with that alone.

And then there were the hardest days. With Walker, or Vlad. Sometimes multiple at once. Walker teaming up with someone was bad no matter what, since Walker attacking included half an army of goons, all with weapons and half a brain cell each. Vlad was becoming more of a nuisance each time, but he’d created a web of alliances with all kinds of ghost from the Zone, and fighting off 5 of them at the same time wasn’t good for his body. 

The sound of a bone snapping in two as he tried to block a ghost from ramming into him still echoed in his head sometimes, and it left him nauseous every time he thought back to it. 

Sam had said he was stupid for not remembering he could literally turn untouchable, and Danny had, though sulking, agreed. He was used to the fact that he could, now, unlike in the first months, but it hadn’t become an instinct yet. He was still human, and humans didn’t do that. Nor did they turn invisible or fly, but hey, those were also fun. Turning intangible just felt...off. Not being able to grab anything or hold onto anything weirded him out.

The ghosts he fought had their powers under control and knew them inside out. He was at a disadvantage fighting literally anyone, being just a rookie compared to everyone. Even Vlad had his intangibility under control, and he wasn’t even a full ghost. But on the other hand, if Vlad could get a hold of it all, maybe Danny could, too.

In 20 years, maybe.

Sometimes he had help during battles, sometimes he didn’t. Which was fine, because not everyone could be at his side every second of the day-- be it during school or at 3 A.M. again. Nobody had any respect for his health, or sleeping schedule, or homework.

Lancer’s disappointed yet concerned look also made Danny flinch and shrink into himself every time he saw it. Or Jazz’s worried lecture when she tried to scold him for not trying harder in school, even though she knew about the ghost fighting. His parents...didn’t do much about anything. They probably figured he was just not trying his hardest, but besides the occasional conversation with his mother about his grades, Danny was left alone.

That loneliness also hurt.

His friends understood better than anyone else, but they didn’t get the full picture. He had trouble sleeping, and they sometimes helped him see things besides the things in his nightmares, but they also had stuff besides just helping their friend sleep at night or keep him awake at school. Sometimes they couldn’t. And even though Danny knew it wasn’t their fault, and that they had a life besides and without him, but a feeling of betrayal sometimes came crashing into his head, and it kept becoming harder to get rid of it each time it came.

He had friends, allies, family, all there to back him up where they could in a situation he needed them, and everything always eventually worked out. He wasn’t leading the most normal life, but at this point, he couldn’t imagine anything different. 

Danny thought he knew what pain was.

This was more…stiffening. Crawling. Agonizing. Trembling. It felt like it could burn him to ashes from inside out, or from the outside in. At this point he wasn’t sure anymore. It was suffocating, all over, and nowhere, nothing, all at once. Danny was sure it was there, because he didn’t have the imagination to make this up. It was there. But how?

The only thing that had come close to this was the pure and utter helplessness he’d felt after the Nasty Burger explosion. He didn’t want to think about it, dammit. But that was heavy. Untouchable. Not in his nerves, just in his head. Mental and physical pain were two very different things, as he’d learned the hard way. Being in expert in both gave him enough credit to state that fact.

But this, this was everywhere. In his bones, in his flesh, in his nerves, in his guts, in his skin, in his head, oh God his head—

He couldn’t move. Couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t think. The continuous loop of ‘no-no-no please stop get away stop god please no more no-no-no--’ was all his brain could muster up in that exact moment, with his nerves on fire and brain completely fried. Was he screaming? He didn’t know. Couldn’t say. Sound was nowhere, complete silence, save for the buzz in his head. It had some sort of metallic rattle to it, but that could just be the adrenaline messing with him.

Or the utter and complete panic.

How he’d ended up in this situation, where he was, who had him, and what they were going to do to him were all blanks. His parents? Jazz? Sam and Tucker? Valerie? Vlad? He didn’t know who knew he was gone from where he was supposed to be right now, and who actually did know, and probably had him somewhere in a laboratory.

After seeing just what some of the creeps he’d encountered were actually prepared to do to get what they needed from their ‘subjects’, Danny wasn’t sure how to stop his imagination from running scenarios in his head. The metallic buzz mangled all the sounds even worse now, and it felt as if his throat was the driest place on the earth all of a sudden. He must’ve screamed because they amped up whatever it was they were using: raw ectoplasm, poisons, electr--

And then it just...stopped. Disappeared. It was gone, and he could breathe. He felt his muscles relax and his jaw unclench, and he opened his mouth to breathe. It was more of a weak pant with a rattle to it, but he took what he could at that moment. 

He stared up at the ceiling with wide and unfocused eyes, the white blinding lights all that really registered in his scrambled mind. 

So he was on his back, then.

No chambers filled with weird liquids, which was a plus. The air felt dry and fabricated in his mouth. ‘Basement,’ Danny concluded after two minutes of just breathing. Outer space suddenly seemed less and less fun than it used to be, because Danny decided right then that he was quite fond of breathing and air and all that.

The buzz in his head started to fade a bit, and the sounds from around started to separate from each other. Beeps from machines, liquids boiling, a freezer humming, metals clicking together.

No people breathing.

Which meant either that one, there were no people, and he was probably being watched and examined from a distance, with fancy cameras and audio equipment and scanners and whatnot. Which was kinda cool, but also kinda freaky. Because it meant less clues for Danny on who had him.

Or, option two, they were ghosts.

Even less clues as to who had him this time. Although...Vlad actually had the money to set up a whole lab, as did the Guys in White, but his parents? He couldn’t imagine them setting up a lab this...professional. Not like this, at least. They had everything they needed, but it was always a mess at home, in the basement. If Danny craned his neck, he could see the counters/desks glowing with the lack of dust and other things. Nothing was out of place.

So Vlad or the Guys in White, then. 

Or there was some new person in town after him he didn’t know about because he was an idiot for not paying attention to his surroundings more, which was basically what Sam and Tucker had been telling him for the past year whenever he bumped into poles, at first, and then it became ghosts and lurking dangers he failed to notice, and then they’d yell at him to turn around already but he’d be too slow because of Lancer’s assignment and Tetslaff’s exercises from the day before and he was still sore, dammit, so he would get shot right in the chest, and then he’d fly back and slam straight into a wall and not be able to brea--

It was back. It was less painful, but it was back.

Danny managed to not completely lose all of his awareness of his surroundings this time, just in case someone would enter via somewhere in the room he hadn’t seen yet and watch him. God, that was even worse than the cameras. The lights seemed to be flickering, but that could just be his head again. There was a slight pulsing pain coming from the back of his head. He probably slammed it back on the table when it started again.

The thought of checking whether he was bound to the table or not suddenly popped into his head, and he immediately regretting trying to check. A flare of pain shot from his right wrist up his arm until it slammed into his back and stayed there.

He didn’t try to move his left arm.

The fact that the pain was less than before rose back into the part of his brain that was actually functioning somewhat normally, and Danny realized that that was actually happening. Whoever was behind this all, was testing something. It couldn’t be in something he ate, or drank, because then they wouldn’t be able to regulate it like this. Maybe it was something they did with the table, or the bounds. They seemed pretty much electrically wired to shock him if he tried to get out. It could be something they did with the whole room, and that’s why there weren’t any other people in the room.

Or...

Or they were testing him.

But with what?

Danny writhed on the table as a particularly nasty sting made its way up his back, settling at the base of his neck and staying there. Whether it was intentional or just his body imagining things, Danny wasn’t sure. It didn’t feel good, and that was all he cared about in that moment. It was as if his muscles had gone rigid right under his jaw as well, and the urge to clamp his teeth together to try and stop it was overwhelming.

It proved unnecessary as the pain disappeared for a second time for seemingly no reason. Danny slumped back onto the table, breathing still ragged and pulse absolutely going through the roof. 

Mind still scrambled and disconnected from the rest of himself and reality, Danny found it the perfect time for some more investigating.

Priorities listed in his head, he tried to focus on the feeling of the table pressing into his shoulders and back. It felt sticky with sweat, very uncomfortable, but not cold. Sensing cold meant he was human, not being able to feel cold meant he was ghost. He was ghost right now. Which was good.

Probably.

Danny didn’t remember how he was caught, but it was more likely to be after a particularly nasty fight. So while he was ghost. And he still was a ghost. Whoever had him hadn’t seen him transform.

That didn’t mean they didn’t know, though.

The cuffs around his wrists were electrically charged, as he’d learned the hard way. Moving his head from side to side made his vision swim and nausea rise, but he found that his head wasn’t strapped down or confined in something. A flare of pain shot down his neck when he tried to lift his head, but Danny grit his teeth and did it anyway. Self-preservation be damned for the moment. There were cuffs around his ankles as well. Maybe charged, maybe not. Danny kind of didn’t want to find out.

The room was smaller than a classroom, about the size of a bedroom. Maybe bigger. The floor was some sort of plastic-looking surface, the walls had an off-gray shade to it, and the ceiling was white with lamps in near the corners. The counter was still reflecting the bright light that seemingly came from everywhere, everything in the same place as it had been some time ago.

How long had he been here, anyway?

And where the fuck was the door?

Another flare of pain, short and sharp, made its way through his body, and Danny had to focus to not lose consciousness entirely, despite how appealing it seemed. His breathing became even more panting-like after screaming again, and it sounded off, worse than it’d been. God, he hoped his lungs were okay. He kind of needed those. They didn’t feel all that okay, though. Having been so focused on not dying or passing out and figuring out where he was, the pressure in his chest had completely missed his notice.

Danny was glad it had, because now there was even more pain to think about. Coughing made it worse, and tears sprung to his eyes as he tried not to. Steady and soft breaths were all he could manage as he attempted to calm himself down.

In, hold, and out. 

Jazz had shown him some ways to calm down after a panic attack, and breathing was one of them.

In, hold, and out.

Danny was sceptic at first, but after having tried it himself after one of Vlad’s particularly nasty stunts, he had repeatedly thanked her for showing it to him.

In, hold, and out.

Sam had mentioned something about a ‘pyramid of senses’, or something like that, but it didn’t seem all that appealing to try in a place he didn’t know and was trying to get away from. He wanted to ground himself, of course, but he’d better focus on himself instead of his surroundings for now. To avoid another one.

In, hold, and out.

It was odd, actually. How your own mind could betray you in such a way, that you needed to shut it off enough to reboot itself by focusing entirely on one simple task that usually required zero mental effort. Or how listing things calmed the mind down enough to turn active again, instead of running in circles, banging pots and pans together and not wanting to stop.

In, hold, and out.

And why was hyperventilating a thing? And was it a mental thing or a physical thing? How did it even work? And what caused it?

In, hol--

Oh no.

Hyperventilating. Pain. No clear source. Ghost form.

Danny paled.

Blood Blossoms.

#Secret santa #holiday truce 2019 #fic #danny phantom #dp #phandom #qlinq-qhost

[btsanonwriting]

BTS Scenario 1 - Your first argument

hJin

You and Jin had been dating for a while. He was the type of boyfriend who could bring a smile to your face no matter what mood you were in. You could be chilling out reading a book, watching netflix of playing a game not speaking but be totally comfortable in each others company. It was like any other day Jin had called you during a break in practise. You hadn’t saw him for a couple of days with his schedule being hectic working on a new comeback. You had planned to meet later on at the dorms. He had his own place but felt much more comfortable in the other guys presence not liking how quiet it was when he was alone. Not that he’d tell the others that their loudness was a comfort to him.

You walked into the boys dorm heading straight for Jins room knowing he’d be there. You opened his door to see him lay on his bed fully clothed trying his best to stay awake. “Ah baby, you’re late.” Jin grumbles while rubbing his eyes doing his best to stay awake. You smile innocently at him before crawling on his bed and giving him a loose hug around his waist. “I missed you.” You say as you give him a light peck. He smiles pulling you in closer. “It would be a lot easier to see me if you stopped working.” He says groggily into your neck as he places light kisses just under your ear. You push him away as soon as the words utter out of his mouth. For weeks he had been pestering you to quit your work so it would make things easier to see each other when his schedule saw fit. “I don’t ask you to quit your job do I?” You raise your voice not meaning too but the anger over takes you from the lack of respect he has for your job. You knew his heart was in the right place but you still couldn’t stop yourself from feeling so angry. “Baby you know it’s different. You don’t need to work I can afford to look after you. Money isn’t an issue.” He states taking hold of your hand and trying to pull you back down onto the bed next to him. He moves to sit on the edge of the bed as you pull your hand away but letting your fingertips linger on his conflicted. You knew he was right but what did he expect you to do give up your whole life for him? For his job? “It’s not about money Seokjin” You only ever used his full name when angry and he knew this. “Is it such a crime to want to spend time with you when I can? Clearly you don’t feel the same!” He raises his voice this time clearly frustrated that you couldn’t see where he was coming from. “I’m too tired to deal with this tonight.” He sighs lying back down onto his bed. You looked at him biting your bottom lip, he looked exhausted. You sighed lying down next to him and kissing him gently on the cheek. “Maybe we should just go to bed, I don’t like arguing with you.” 

Yoongi

You and Yoongi had been friends before you both admitted your feelings towards each other. You would both constantly bicker about small things. If you were wearing a colour he didn’t like (which you’d do just to see the displeasure on his face) if he played a song loudly on his phone (which you were sure he started to do just to annoy you as well.) but you had never properly argued. Yoongi was someone you felt completely comfortable around he knew everything about you. From the small insinnificant things like your favourite colour, your favourite animal, your favourite movie and favourite place to go eat. To the things you try to keep hidden like the high pitch squeel you make when you’re excited about something like a small child waking up on christmas morning seeing the presents under the tree. To how you lick your lips a lot when you’re nervous. He knew every small detail about you and you knew every small detail about him. That is how you found yourselves having your first argument. Not only first argument but first BIG argument. “I hate when you do this.” He sighed when you looked away from him when he told you he was leaving in a matter of days. He’d left before, he had too it was his job after all. “Hate when I do what? Get sad that you’re leaving? Oh I’m sorry Yoongi would you like me to jump for joy at the fact my boyfriend will be gone for almost 3 month! Let’s not mention the fact you’ve knew for weeks and only decide to tell me now when you’re due to leave in four days!” You didn’t mean to scream at him but you were upset you could feel the tears streaming down your face as each word left your mouth the realty sinking in. Yes of course you were always sad when he left but you were also so happy and proud to see him go out and do what he loves to do. It was always bittersweet but he had never made you feel so down for being sad before. It’s not like you said anything you tried your best to put on a smile when he told you. “I didn’t tell you knowing you’d react like this!” He almost growled not wanting to raise his voice as you had. People always thought of Yoongi as hard but the reality was he was the most sensitive and seeing you upset effected him in ways he couldn’t describe. His heart was breaking watching you sob quietly into your hands as you tried your best to pull yourself together. “I know this is tough I miss you every second I’m gone.” He was on his knees in front of you pulling you into him so your head rested on his shoulder as he silently rubbed your back hoping to calm you down. Which you did, you always calmed in his touch. 

Namjoon

  Namjoon was your person. The person you went to about anything and everything. If you were sad he was the person you went to knowing he’d make you feel better, if you were sick he was the person holding your hair, rubbing your back and making sure you drank plenty of water. If you were stressed he was the one to calm you down and make you feel at ease, and if you were happy he was always the reason. You had your fair share of angry moments where one of you would snap at each other but they were quickly resolved so you had never properly argued. Not until that day. Namjoon was on tour, you found it hard to keep up with where he was as it changed constantly. Him and the guys worked so hard. All you knew was that he was somewhere in America. You had been trying to get in contact with him for almost what felt like days but in realty had only been one full 24hours. You knew he was busy but not once in your full relationship had he went without checking in on you or a simple “Goodnight sweetheart” message he would send you always. Maybe you were being selfish wanting his attention when you knew he was working and needing his rest but you couldn’t help feel your anger boil when you were scrolling twitter notcing he had posted pictures of him and Taehyung out sightseeing. He could post on twitter but not reply to a message or call you to let you know how he is, to see how you are. You decided to give it one last try and call him again. Just as you thought the call was about to ring out again you heard a familiar voice on the other end. “Baby it’s late.” You heard him mutter in his groggy sleep deprived voice which you had to admit you had always found very attractive. “It’s been a whole day Namjoon, and we haven’t had a proper conversation in over a week. I miss you.” You tried to your best not to sound snappy but you knew he’d know how you felt. He knew you better than anyone. “I know baby. I’ve been working hard.” He said less sleepily you knew he had probably gotten up so he didn’t fall back asleep. It wouldn’t have been the first time he had fell asleep while on the phone to you. “I matter too.” You knew you were being selfish but you found it hard to be without him for so long. “You’re acting as if I don’t know this. I’ve been touring, playing a show near enough every night you know how tiring that is.” He snaps back at you. You knew you were pushing his buttons but he was pushing yours. There was nothing you hated more than being ignored and you knew he had seen the messaged and missed calls. “Then maybe you should start acting like I matter Namjoon!” You had raised your voice by this point letting your anger overtake you and not holding back anymore. “I should start showing you that you matter? Y/N are you being serious right now? This has been the first time we haven’t spoke every day since we got together. I need to focus on myself sometimes too. Maybe you should stop being so selfish. I need sleep. I will call you in the morning. I love you.” He hung up. You knew you deserved it but it did nothing to calm your mood. 

Hoseok

You and Hoseok had been in a relationship for what felt like forever. Everyone who knew you both knew that you were meant to be. You were always the more serious one in the relationship. Not that Hoseok wasn’t serious he was just always trying to be the person that made everyone smile. Majority of the time it was your favourite thing about him. He could just walk into a room and make everyone feel at ease and bring happiness to the people around him. But not that day. That day you just wanted to feel special. You wanted to be the only person he made smile. You were sat in at practice like you had done many times. There was always so many people around. You sat yourself down on the floor in the far corner of the dance studio. You had brought a book to read for when you got tired of watching them practice. Not that you ever got tired of watching Hoseok dance. It was how you both had met when you decided to wanted to take up dancing. Not that you would say you were any good but it was something you enjoyed. You watched on as Jimin, Jungkook and Hoseok worked on a dance together. It was something you had saw many times but every time they really blew you away. Hoseok looked over at you and gave you a big grin. He loved having you watch on it made him feel a sense of pride and pushed him to work harder. Hours seemed to pass and everyone was getting tired and grouchy. Hoseok didn’t stop he kept pushing on and pushing everyone else to continue. You watched as he’d joke around with the crew doing his best to make them smile. They took a break but he didn’t make his way over to you instead he decided to stay put and do his best to try raise everyones spirits as he broke out into song and dance in the most over the top way he could. He didn’t fail at putting a smile on everyones face Namjoon even tried joining in only resulting in more laughter. You found yourself chewing on the inside of your cheek. You found the scene in front of you just as hilarious as everyone else in the room but you were tired, you were sore from sitting on the hard floor of the studio for hours, your head was starting to hurt with the bright lights and you were annoyed that Hoseok hadn’t once tried to come over to speak to you like he’d always do. You may have well been at home. He looked over at you expecting to see you smiling back at him joining in on the fun instead he was met with cold eyes and a look that would normally have him running. You had never argued but he knew when he was pushing you to the edge as all you’d ever have to do was give him a look that he seen on your face in that moment. He swallowed roughly and made his way over to you in hope of raising your mood and bringing the smile back onto your face. “I’m not a second though Hoseok so just don’t bother.” You say sternly as you pull yourself to your feet dusting off your skinny jeans as you stand. “You’re never a second thought.” He tries pulling you into a hug but you shake off his attempt. “Babe don’t be like that. Everyone is getting tired we’ve been at this for hours now.” He tries to reason with you, to show you how silly you’re being but you’re stubborn and he knows this. You look up at him before sighing. “I’m going to head home.I will see you in a few hours.” You give him a peck on the cheek avoiding his sweaty hair before walking away. Later he returns from practice with a bouquet of your favouite flowers. He walks into the room to find you had set out his favourite meal along with a big pile of his favourite movies to watch. You knew you shouldn’t have been angry at him for just being the person you fell madly in love with. 

So yeah this is my first BTS Scenario/Reaction. Sorry if it is awful it’s my first time writing in well years. I will start working on the Maknae line I just realised how long this actually is and it took more time than I thought it would. Please send me your requests and feedback! 

#bts #bts writing #bts scenarios #bts reactions #bts imagines #bts fanfic #bts fanfction #kim namjoon #kim seokjin #min yoongi #jung hoseok #j hope #bts suga #bts rm #bts jin

[betslangland]

Don’t Downgrade Depression

~The Long(ish) inside scoop on how someone with a rad life struggled with depression~

What depression is not

1. Sadness because of a situation…

-There’s a difference in ‘feeling’ depressed and ‘being’ depressed

2. Pin Pointed ‘feelings’ that explain your depression…    

-Those with depression can’t necessarily tell you how they’re feeling, they’re just lacking…

3. A lack of happiness in ones life or being a victim to life…

-A ‘lack of happiness may. In turn feeling sorry for yourself because of your ‘social status’.

What depression is…

1. Feelings of shame and insignificance…

-Shame, when you fail or mess up.

2. A lack of knowing…

-You may know something is wrong but you can’t seem to put a finger on it because everything around you seems to be fine, so you’ve convinced yourself that you’re fine too though you’re miserable.

3.Loneliness even though you may have the greatest support system and you may have several people               around you…

-You can have the most followers on all the social medias, the best of friends and an amazing family, but that doesn’t change the state of your lonely mind.

4. Brokenness/Failure

-You’re always finding fault with yourself because you could’ve done something better.   Depression isn’t something that should be downgraded. I used to be so flippant judging others when they’d say they were depressed when they had a happy life. (i.e. they had a lot of friends, they were close to their family, they had a great job etc.) I would talk so poorly about these ‘depressed people’ because they had it made. I’d judge them and say they shouldn’t feel that way because everyday is a blessing, they should be so grateful, they shouldn’t take advantage of this one life blah blah blah…..all the ‘feel good’ mantras. Though those mantras are accurate I was losing the whole picture.

I soon learned how miserable depression could be and how life draining it could make you so I no longer spoke poorly about those people.

Like I stated above, there are times when people claim depression but are just having a bad day, they broke up with their lover, their dog died, etc. I’m not downgrading those events, but that’s not what I’m talking about here and that’s not depression.

There’s a difference in feeling depressed and being in a depressive state of mind. Feeling depression is something everyone goes through in life. It’s inevitable, because life sucks sometimes, but being depressed, sitting in it and living that life is another story. I was depressed and didn’t even realize it. The things I had been facing, the lies I had been telling myself and the illusion of my life I had been lying to others about for years, I had convinced myself was the norm. I thought I could lie to myself and to my friends and family about how I was feeling to play off that I was always happy, because you’re never supposed to have a bad day, right?...Wrong!

Events in my life started to not line up with me anymore and I was so exhausted of being this person who wasn’t me just to please everyone else. When I reevaluated my life I realized I was more miserable in the time being than genuinely happy, and this was a problem.

I let my depressive state of mind become my idol since I was focusing more on the depression and the negative nature rather healing and on positive things. Like mentioned above I couldn’t pin point a significant ‘feeling’ of depression. Yes, I had many feelings during this time, but not one that led me to believe that I was  ‘depressed’. It was more of me trying to be a hard ass and shake off all the feelings and be tough. I learned first hand that if you don’t take a moment to feel those feelings and deal with them they will come to bite you in the ass later and be ten times worse.

You don’t have to have a rough upbringing to be in a depressive mindset. (Please read that again!!!)

I was raised in a great Christian family with more love around me than anyone could imagine. I was athletic and I was a musician so I was very busy, but somehow through all of the chaos of high school I formed bad mind habits of not feeling good enough. I didn’t feel good enough for my parents because I would end up getting B’s instead of A’s and I would hear, “Well, why aren’t you getting A’s?”, which I interpreted that as, “Why aren’t you working hard enough. Your hard work is not noticed. You aren’t significant because you got a B.”

Crazy I know, but that’s where my mind went.

My mother never ever said those things, but that’s how my brain interpreted them. Everything came back down to not working hard enough. I never felt good enough being raised in a Christian environment. In my household there was no cursing, no bad language, and no negative comments, but I’ll be completely honest with you in saying that cursing, bad language and negativity come pretty naturally to me, which made me feel like there was something wrong with me internally since I didn’t have a ‘heavenly mindset’ all the time.

The thoughts I’d have would’ve been condemned and judged if they were ever uttered out of my mouth. I would slip up occasionally and say a curse word soon being accused of always saying them around my peers (which I didn’t) and not having my heart in the right place with God (which it was).

So from there I felt a sense of brokenness, confusion and not being good enough because I couldn’t express myself in the way that came naturally. I couldn’t because ‘God wouldn’t approve’ and ‘Christian’s just didn’t speak that way’. My mother made it very clear that I had other believers and non believers looking to me to be an example, so every move I made was judged and Lord forgive me if I did something and it wasn’t under the approval of another believer and was labeled as ‘ungodly’.

But what if something ‘bad’ did utter from my mouth? My mom would assume my heart wasn’t right with the Lord and I’d be sent to my room to read my Bible. Sounds like a legit punishment to me that solved the ‘issue’.

^insert biggest eye roll (sorry Ma)

~Let me pause here for a second to clarify something. I love the Lord and I would NOT be here writing this without him. In saying that I am NOT disrespecting nor am I disregarding a relationship with God. I am wholeheartedly taking you through a snip-it of my childhood and how I was raised to explain to you how I developed my, “I don’t feel good enough” mindset and attitude. I needed to clarify because 90% of what I had explained to you was negative, but without that negativity I wouldn’t be able to write this for you today. Also, the reason why my mother raised me the way she did (right or wrong) was because she held me at a higher standard than anyone else in this whole world. She expected nothing but the best from me. Carrying on!~

Body dysmorphia, negative body image, self-esteem issues and insecurities started in just the fourth grade. I can remember it like it was yesterday. While sitting next to a girl in Mrs. Edwards’ class, comparison stole my confidence, which would haunt me for years. This girl, Emily and I were sitting next to each other in class while we were doing a fun activity. You know how your legs turn into the size of Russia when you sit down? Well I noticed that for the first time. But when I noticed my legs I also noticed Emily’s legs…but hers were smaller.

Hmmm, weird. We’re practically the same stature so why are her legs smaller than mine?

Oh…is this what fat means?

Oh how I wish I could shake that 4th grade Bethany!

Fast forward to 5th grade…middle school, when you could sill have a bunch of guy friends without people freaking out about it.

(^insert another eye roll)

In fifth grade I sat with a group of guys at lunch everyday and one in particular noticed how I hadn’t been eating the food on my tray so he asked me about it, “Bethany! Are you not hungry?? Why aren’t you eating your food?”

I state very snooty like, “It’s very unhealthy food and I don’t want to get fat!”

As adult as a 5th grader could be he rebuttals, “What?? Bethany, you’re in 5th grade. Why are you worried about getting fat right now??”

The only response to this question was trying to explain that I was planning ahead and how proud of myself I was for not eating all my food, because I remained, “self-controlled”, and “self-disciplined”.

But there was a HUGE issue.

I was SO HUNGRY!!

At this time my older sister was I high school and she was a 3 season athlete so she was always active. We had the same body structure but she was more fit than me because obvi, she was more active. My little baby brain couldn’t figure out why she was more fit than I was and why she could eat a candy bar and not feel shitty or not gain weight, but when I’d eat a candy bar I would belittle myself and tell myself over and over that I wasn’t good enough AND I felt like a cow. I remember asking my mom one day why she could eat whatever she wanted and my mom replied that she worked out all the time so she could eat those desserts and it wouldn’t affect her. I took this straight to heart and all I heard was, “She works out all the time, which means she can reward herself with food…”

Now I’m in high school and still (I was always the ‘big friend’ in elementary and middle school) labeled as the ‘big tomboyish’ friend. I thought I had kicked this title, but I was wrong. Being an athlete and being on the drumline didn’t help any…I hated the title. To me women were supposed to be very feminine, small boned, small breasted (which makes zero sense), short, quiet…cute little tiny tiny things and I was well aware I was none of those things. I was built durable (fancy terminology for “big framed”), I definitely did not have small breasts, I wasn’t feminine, I sure as hell wasn’t quiet, and I wasn’t a tiny tiny human. Men looked through me, usually to my other friends, and I associated not receiving attention due to my body structure.

I watched my food intake more so than most high schoolers. I exercised way more than what was needed, and I would assume never to shop for clothes because I would end up shopping in the men’s department because the shirts were naturally baggy. I remember having a boyfriend at the time and for years he had thought I was a very confident outgoing woman until he went swim suit shopping with me.

I was very hesitant about it because I wanted to remain that strong woman to him since he had no idea how insecure I really had been for years.

That was the first and last time he ever went shopping with me. I swore to myself he’d never go again because I was so extremely embarrassed with myself.

I cried.

A lot.

I just sobbed and sobbed in the dressing room looking at myself in the mirror wondering how I had let myself get ‘this far’. He kept knocking on the door to see if I was okay but I never let him in because I was so ashamed of how I looked. I would stare in the mirror and grab my belly and get SO angry that it was there! I would look at myself completely naked and ashamed and say to myself over and over and over, “You’re so fat!!! This is disgusting!” I would imagine if I could just take scissors and cut all the fat off. Then that would be okay! I just wanted to sit down without having to adjust my pants to cover up my belly!! I was so disgusted with myself.

But those feelings were normal, because every girl cries in the dressing room and thinks about taking scissors to their belly, right…?

I justified to myself that this was just a part of being a woman I had to get over and live with.

Now I’m in college.

Oh, college!

The 6 years I spent in college (YES, 6! I changed my major, okay!!) were the most trying, taxing, exhausting, fun, and difficult learning experiences of my life.

Now I'm in college and the uncontrollable stress of every day life and school was so great and so overwhelming. I'm a very type A personality, meaning if I don't have control over situations or I don't have any say over situations I tend to get anxiety and start feeling very vulnerable towards whatever scenario I was in at the moment. While I was in school I studied music education for four years until I switched to health promotion and business, which became my degree.

During my sophomore year in college my mother passed away from cancer. This undoubtedly rocked my world. What could I have control over anymore?

Now, for a type A personality having control is a HUGE characteristic, like I mentioned above. Since I wasn't able to control the environment around me the only thing I could 100% control was my body. This is when the disordered eating habits started to manifest and take control.

Before more explanation lets define these disorders.

Orthorexia Nervosa: "a medical condition in which the sufferer systematically avoids specific foods in the belief that they are harmful; an obsession with eating foods that one considers healthy."

Bulimia Nervosa:"eating disorder characterized by a cycle of bingeing and compensatory behaviors such as self-induced vomiting designed to undo or compensate for the effects of binge eating."

Anorexia Nervosa:“There are two main types of anorexia. Both types are characterized by irrational fear of weight gain and abnormal eating patterns. The restrictive type is what most people associate with this mental illness: The individual rigorously limits food intake, effectively starving the body of the nutrition and calories it needs.However, there is also a type of anorexia known as binge/purge anorexia, in which an individual purges after eating. Thus, this type of anorexia results in additional health problems, which are also caused by bulimia and binge-eating disorder.Another category of anorexia is known as atypical anorexia. In these cases, the individual meets some but not all of the criteria for anorexia. For example, they might restrict their food intake but not be underweight.”

I mentioned that I was essentially a control freak, but I didn't know that then. I can label these disordered eating habits as a control mechanism now but when I was in the midst of that way of life it seemed normal and imperative for me, like I was filling a void of vulnerability I didn't want to succumb to out of fear. This was a fear of being wrong, judged and rejected. I was fearful of judgment because I was the, "face of health" and the one who lived the "fit and healthy" lifestyle people would come to for inspiration and questions. So how crazy would it have been if I came out and confessed to how unhappy I was with my life and how I wanted nothing more than to eat normally and not exercise like a crazy person all the damn time.  

This wasn't an option though. People looked up to me and I couldn't be ‘normal’ like everyone else.

Though the 'healthy' lifestyle I was living was out of fear, it also came out of a place of shame and guilt.  

I'd feel disgusted with myself, utterly shameful, ugly, unworthy, and the biggest disappointment when I'd eat out of my 'macro or meal plan'. When I say I was strict with my food....I mean I was STRICT with my food!! Every single morsel of food I'd consume would be weighed and counted, to the last gram. If I had accidentally counted incorrectly or had forgotten to track a certain food my mind would be consumed with this failure and I wouldn’t be able to sleep and I’d end up doing extra cardio to ‘burn off the excess calories’.

(sounds crazy just typing it!)

I would eat 100% clean, with no cheating until I had planned a binge eating, "cheat day" or I was tired of eating chicken and broccoli and wanted something different because I could feel my sanity slipping because of the restrictions.

These days I'd usually consume copious amounts of food to turn around and feel the shame and guilt of "cheating" on my diet and "cheating" on everyone who looked at me as a health and fitness figure.

So I'd take ‘control over the situation’ and make myself throw up. I'd justify sticking my finger down my throat by lying to myself and convincing myself that I was sick and nauseas and needed to throw up because the food had ‘upset my stomach’.

I was lying. I didn't feel sick, I felt guilty, shameful and like a disappointment for not eating correctly...for 'falling off the wagon'.

What's messed up is that I felt bad for the foods I had eaten and not making myself throw up because I thought I was solving a problem. Twisted, huh?...  

I tried to act normal. I tried to be normal and eat out with friends and family. I tried to live out the 'balance' portion of health and fitness so people couldn't argue with me saying I was crazy or normal, but once I'd try I would always end up in the bathroom flushing guilt, shame and regret down the toilet.

Problem solved.

I remember a specific time I was having dessert with a friend at a restaurant and at this time I was in the midst of early recovery and I was tired of telling people no to going out all the time so I made myself go and ‘be normal’. The thing was I was trying SO hard to be normal it started becoming a chore and weird trying to be normal….(overthinking much??) Anyway, we went out and I ordered the smallest and the ‘better for you’ option.  I finished all of it and thought, “Okay, I got this!”. Nope I didn’t. I went to the bathroom (I actually had to go) and it felt like a drug…

A good analogy would be putting a recovering pill popper in a room full of hydrocodone…

It just doesn’t work.

Sooner than later I found myself over the toilet.

I walked back over to my friend red faced, watery eyes, chattering teeth, a broken heart and disappointment and she had no idea.  

Through this time I had zero confidence.

Zero confidence in my intelligence, my body, my mind, my music and my relationships. Just like any other insecure college woman I'd look for confidence through comments from men and that only led me down a road of seeking validation from other people and accepting sexual comments because I wanted to feel sexy and beautiful.

During these phases of dieting I decided to do a bodybuilding show.

To give you a little insight on my training I was consuming 800 calories a day, 1,000 calories on 'high carb days', while doing an hour on the stair master in morning and training in the evening after school. To put 1000 calories into perspective, that would be equivalent to one crispy chicken sandwich with a medium fry from McDonalds.  After a few months of this style of training I had lost a significant amount of weight....

Goals, right?!!

Wrong.

I had no boobs, no ass, my upper body was bony, I hadn't had a period in a year (which was caused by disordered eating), I would go weeks without having a bowel movement, and the only thing I could do recreationally was sleep because I was extremely miserable, exhausted and fatigued. I couldn’t form a complete sentence without concentrating because of the lack of nutrition going to my brain.

Kind of scary.

Though I wanted so desperately to eat what my friends were eating, I had an unusual sense of pride that I had to bring my own meals into restaurants or simply not eat and celebrate with my friends and family. Kind of like, "I'm better than you because I have better self-control...".  

Awful, I know!!

But the health and fitness industry is glorified for self-discipline and I was bound and determined to be the best and when I want to be the best nothing can stop me.

While training for the competition I would workout with my trainer and she would weight me about once a week. There were times when my goal would be to lose 4lbs in one week.

Do you understand how crazy that is??

Anyway, I’d come back the following week doing exactly what she wanted me to do and I’d step on the scale and sometimes I wouldn’t have dropped any weight or I would have dropped two pounds, which was completely unacceptable.

She’d stare at the number, shake her head and say, “You’re doing something wrong. You’re too big. You’re not losing enough weight.”

Can you imagine someone saying that to you??

She would accuse me of cheating on the diet, which as much as I hated that 8x11 eating disorder, I never once cheated on that god awful diet. She wouldn’t believe me because I wasn’t losing 4 pounds a week.

Those comments and the unbelief in me weighed heavy on my heart because I gave 100% during my prep! I hated every second of it but I was committed so I couldn’t quit!

It’s competition day. Oh boy.

I knew I wasn’t going to place because the girls were much much smaller than me and you could tell this hadn’t been their first show.

I walked backstage to setup my little secluded corner, because I honestly didn’t want to talk to anyone. I just wanted a weeks worth of sleep and food. Lots and lots of food.

I finally setup my corner and I was looking at the rest of the girls get ready and I had something come over me…

“These girls look like the pictures I had on my wall when I was in high school….the fitness models I wanted to look like…” because ‘hard-work’ and ‘dedication’ would get you a 6 pack.

All that these girls could talk about was their hunger, tilapia, how much water they had to cut, how many diuretics they had to take and what they were going to eat after the show.

My mind started piecing things together while I was backstage. “These girls aren’t healthy…..they’re just shredded hungry girls.”

Right then and there my mind changed forever! I was angry and relieved all at the same time. I was angry because I felt like I had been lied to for years through magazines and the internet when women were being portrayed as ‘fit’. I was relieved because IT WASN’T REAL!!!! I didn’t feel like I had to be some skinny bitch that only ate spinach, tilapia, chicken and rice forever because nobody actually liked it and no one WANTED to do it!!

If these girls didn’t WANT to do it and it didn’t make them happy then why in the hell were they doing it?? Were there aesthetics more important and more valued than their time with family celebrating a birthday party, or a boyfriends birthday dinner?

I can recall this mental breakthrough like it was yesterday.

This is when my mindset started to become unveiled and all the lies from the health and fitness industry were becoming revealed and I was disgusted and I wanted to make a change right then!

I went into this body building competition with a very negative mindset because I hated everything about me. See, my goal throughout my fitness journey was the same as numerous other women…lose the belly and get skinny. To my surprise even after all the dieting and weight loss I still had a little bit of a belly. I was so confused!

After dieting for so long I was now lethargic, anemic, insecure though I had lost so much weight and I had the title of a ‘body builder’, hungry, exhausted, always sick, and even more miserable mentally than when I began this journey.

I thought, So after ALL that I sill don’t have what I worked my ass off for AND I’m even worse off?.....What was I missing?

And then I heard something so profound to me that put my mind into another dimension of thinking… Life should NOT be about weight loss, food, counting calories or your physique. Life has so much more to offer and you as a person have so much to offer other than how you look….Oh wow!!!

This mindset changed my life forever.

I thought I could deal with myself emotionally after my body building show so I decided to hire an online powerlifting coach who agreed that the way I dieted was destructive. We talked over the phone and she set me up with a training schedule and macros to start with after my show.

I was ecstatic to be lifting heavy again and to be eating yummy foods!

I thought I had a grip on the disordered eating habits because I was on the track to counting macros again! Yay!

A few months into powerlifting I was regaining strength back and gaining my weight back, which I was mentally ready for because my stage weight was unrealistic and I was okay with it because I needed the extra weight to lift heavy.

I had to check-in with my powerlifting coach each week with my macros for the day, my lifts and my weight for every day. I would reluctantly get on that scale but I did it because I had to. She started cutting my macros down bit by bit each week and I could feel myself start to panic. I would anxiously open my email to see if she had given me permission to eat more that week or I still had to cut down. I began hating check-ins. I was spending 1.5-2 hours in the gym every single day and I was exhausted.

Because of my body building experience I had downloaded helpful podcasts hosted by women who’ve been in the same place mentally as I had been in, but little did I know that I was still in the negative mental mindset when it came to my eating habits.

I was on my way to see my boyfriend at the time and I was headed to the gym but I was going to see him first. I was dreading going, but I couldn’t have any days off and I had to go so I didn’t have a choice.

I was listening to one particular podcast about the hosts’ experience with eating disorders and the breakdown and breakthrough she had gone through. She discussed the prep she went through and how awful it was (same), how she didn’t have a period (same), how she gave up time with her friends and family (same), how she gloated in the fact of having more ‘self-discipline’ when it came to not eating ‘bad’ foods (same), how she was still insecure with herself after the body building show even though she lost a lot of weight (same), how she didn’t have boobs and it made her insecure about her femininity (same), how she felt deprived of every food even healthy foods because she wasn’t ‘allowed’ to eat those things (same), how she was lethargic all the time (same), how she had 0 sex drive (same), how all she could do was sleep because she was so exhausted (same)………..the list goes on and on!

She stated in her podcast that once she realized there was an issue she told her mother in hopes for accountability and help towards her recovery,

“Once I told my mother about my disordered eating she knew something was going wrong and she told me that food had became my idol which means food was more important than anything else, including God.”

When I heard these words coming out of my radio and after all the mental connections I had made with this girl via podcast, I broke down. Every vulnerability I had at the moment was broken down by those words. My walls had been completely torn down. All I could do was cry.

How could I have let myself get to this point?

How could I have I let myself get so unhealthy?

How could I have lied to so many people?

How could I have lied to myself for so many years?

My world changed dramatically! I didn’t go to the gym that day because I talked to my boyfriend about my struggles. He knew I had been struggling all along so he wasn’t surprised when I came out and explained how miserable I actually had been.

-Side note: I am a problem solver. Once I have found a problem, I will fix it. I won’t spend time relishing over the problem, I will go above and beyond to fix whatever the issue might be.

I talked to my former boyfriend about the steps I should take and if I should email my coach and explain to her that I couldn’t continue training with her and how I needed time to heal and recover from this disordered mindset. This was by far one of the scariest things I’ve ever done. I’ve ALWAYS had a training schedule! Not once have I gone into the gym and didn’t know exactly what I was going to do for that workout session. I was organized, I planned everything and I was prepared.

Now…I felt vulnerable, unorganized and I had a lack of preparation because someone wasn’t planning my workouts. I was confused.

I decided to shoot my coach a long and detailed email explaining why I couldn’t continue working with her. I was so nervous that once I received an email back I never opened it. I still haven’t.

After sending an email to my coach I knew I had to tell my family….

I sat down and wrote 5 pages worth of struggles, events and fear that was driven by the eating disorder. I copied 3; two for my sisters and 1 for my dad. God, this was so hard. They were so supportive and loved on me unconditionally.

I couldn’t have asked for a better support system.

I struggled to change. It was so hard. I knew I had an issue that needed to be dealt with and fixed so I became obsessed with change. I started listening to podcasts that dealt with struggling with eating disorders and the first thing they would suggest for recovery is telling your closest friends and family.

Oh, Lord.

I read numerous self-help books, specifically for eating disorders. I cleaned out my FB feed and IG feed of anything and everything that made me have comparison (i.e. bodybuilding account, IG stars who were fit, macro and ‘clean eating’ accounts) because I now knew this wasn’t reality, I journaled every single day about my thoughts towards recovery. I had no idea what hunger was. I couldn’t pin point when I was hungry, what I wanted to eat or when I should eat. I had been under macro counting and eating under an eating plan for so long I hadn’t ever had to think for myself when it came to food.

I was lost.

My dad would get so frustrated with me because I couldn’t tell him when I was hungry. I couldn’t be mad at him because he had zero comprehension of my struggles or my mindset with food. His thoughts, just like any normal person, would be, my stomach is growling…I must be hungry…I’m going to eat now. Instead of mine, which was, My stomach is growling…does that mean I should eat or I should drink more water?....What should I eat if I did end up eating?...I didn’t work out so I probably shouldn’t eat a lot…Maybe I should just eat some vegetables or protein…But that doesn’t sound good…What sounds good?....Pancakes…That sounds good, but there’s no nutritional value in pancakes, there’s too much sugar, there’s no protein and all I’d want to do is slather it in peanut butter, and peanut butter has way too much fat…I also don’t have any sugar free syrup, which sugar free isn’t even good for you so I probably shouldn’t eat that anyway….I don’t even have the protein pancakes brand mix so it would just be the regular pancake mix and I can’t have that because it has too many carbs…….I can go on and on.

It was exhausting.

Eating should be simple, but it definitely wasn’t.

This was the longest progression of recovery. After telling my family I started documenting everything on Twitter, Tumblr, my business FB page and IG. I knew that if I had been dealing with these issues I knew that someone else had been dealing with them as well. I wanted to be that person who brought freedom and a great message to someone who needed it. I wanted to be able to tell these women that they are worth it and they make a difference despite the lies they’ve been telling themselves.

I worked so hard on my recovery!

Coupled with journaling and posting on social media I practiced words of affirmation. And when I say I practiced words of affirmation, I mean I spent hours writing phrases of ‘who I was’ and words proclaiming victory all over my mirror in my bathroom. I took white copy paper and on each piece of paper I wrote something different, something uplifting and motivating. I covered half of my mirror in my bathroom so I could see them and say them to myself everyday.

I had a ritual. Every morning I’d stand in front of my mirror (not looking at myself) and would say each phrase on those pieces of paper.

Did I believe the words coming out of my mouth at the time?

HELL NO…

But did I do it anyway, because faith comes by believing and believing comes by hearing?....

HELL YES…

Do I believe those things now because I made it a habit to say them every day?...

HELL YES…

On my body length mirror I wrote ALL over it in marker claiming more words of affirmation and positivity.

I also had strict rules so I wouldn’t be tempted to think negatively towards myself, such as not looking at myself in the mirror naked or when I was getting ready for school. Some of you might think, “But aren’t you supposed to look at yourself and think positively about the way you looked right then? Isn’t that what you’ve been trying to do all along?”

Yes, you’re right, but I’ll be honest with you at that moment in my recovery I wanted to feel like a straight beautiful badass without looking in the mirror, because if I had already felt like a beautiful badass and something in the mirror distracted me from feeling that positivity towards myself I would’ve backtracked and started relapsing on the negative thoughts. I was trying to stay clear of all ‘triggers’ (I hate that word) for myself personally and looking at myself naked was one of them.

I read numerous self-help, motivational and recovery from disordered eating books. I was a professional at reading by this point.

I read one book in particular that encouraged doing yoga and meditation when you could feel your mind and thoughts shifting to distractions or negativity.

You know what?......it actually helped! I can’t remember anything else in that book (it was too ‘yogi woo-woo’ for me) other than one simple yoga/meditation practice that would center my mind back on the ‘here and now’ instead of on the food, exercise, clean eating or macros. I still use these practices today!

Hold please….you’re thinking today? I thought this whole thing was about recovering from depression and eating disorders!

Well princess, you’re not wrong; however, once you’ve been addicted to something you’re going to have those addictions come back to haunt you occasionally.

Let me explain further.

I’ve spent years conquering disordered eating habits. Is there still a portion of me that struggles occasionally with thoughts of comparison? Sure, BUT because I had my rituals and proclaimed those words of affirmation, I truly believe them now and I say those phrases and who I believe I AM to myself every single day.

You see, recovery and victory is a process. A very long, long, long process. It’s hard. It’s mentally exhausting. It’s taxing. Sometimes you’d rather just throw in the towel and jump back on that addictive train because it’s comfortable. But you also know that past the blood, sweat and tears is peace of mind, love and contentment.

I’ll be vulnerable and honest with you.

Have I binged and purge all while stating and hash tagging about eating disorder recovery? Yes.

Have I felt guilt and shame if I ate a yummy meal for a holiday? Yes.

Have I felt disappointment if I went over my calories and/or macros for the day? Yes. What’s the difference now?.........

Now, I don’t dwell on those things.

Now, I notice the feeling. I notice where the feeling is coming from and why I’m feeling that way and take a moment and let myself feel that way. Then I either meditate on the good, I speak affirmations, I proceed to tell myself that life is NOT about those worries and I list things I’m specifically grateful for to put my mind back on track. I’ve been doing this for so long that this process happens in just a few seconds then I’m back in the right mindset and back to conquering the eating disorder that once controlled every aspect of my life.

Do these struggles happen every day like they used to when I first started the recovery process? No.

I’ve trained my mind to prioritize things in life. Now the numbers on a scale and the ‘feelings’ towards food is not a priority in my life.

I’ve learned that losing weight, hours spent in the gym, cardio, the foods I eat and sacrificing time with friends and family is NOT what life is about. I would lay awake at night planning my meals out on the app MyFitnessPal, which calculates macros and calories and I would calculate to the very last gram what I was going to eat the next day. So number one, I could hit my designated macros for the day and so I could save time and stress throughout the next day planning food. This was such an unhealthy mindset and approach towards meal prepping and planning meals in general. I’ve spent so much time practicing healthy habits that I can meal prep without the mental struggle of calculating every morsel of food.

How did I approach recovery?

I approached recovery very quickly because I knew I had an issue and I wanted it resolved as soon as possible. I HATED knowing that there was an issue with my mental status! I thought I had been ‘doing everything right’ until now…

I filled my mind with nothing but uplifting, positive reminders that ‘gym life’, counting macros and my weight weren’t on my ‘priorities list’. I was reading a book on recovery and the author asked the readers to journal 5 things that we loved doing that wasn’t based around food or exercise.

Do you know how many I listed?

One.

I literally couldn’t think of anything except for writing. I was dumbfounded and embarrassed. It was coming to focus that I had been a slave to the fitness lifestyle and hadn’t let anything else enter my life……no new forms of movement, no new experiences, no new relationships, no new adventures…..nothing.

Though I had listed one thing I loved doing besides exercise, I started doing that one thing more and more and more.

Lets review how recovery was approached throughout this time. Some of these steps have already been discussed so bare with me.

-Reading/Meditation/Yoga

-Podcasts

-Cleaning social media

-Words of affirmation

-Eating without distractions

Podcast listening was vital to my recovery. I listened to the Mind Body Musings Podcast hosted by Maddy Moon, and she gave numerous tips on how to recover and the steps she took for her recovery. One in particular was to clean out all social media accounts of people you were following that would make you question your own body or life AND REPLACE it with something NOT fitness related; such as, beaches or puppies. Girl, do you know how many beach and dog accounts I follow on IG?! Too many at this point! She made it clear that if you take something out it NEEDED to be replaced with something uplifting and beneficial. This fills your mind with positivity instead of a deprivation. So one afternoon I sat down and scrolled through the accounts I had been following and if their account was no longer beneficial to me I deleted that account and added an uplifting account that made me smile, dream or yearn for self-growth.

Words of affirmation.

I won’t go too much into detail about this because I’ve already covered this topic extensively above.  I just want to drive home how incredibly IMPORTANT talking over YOURSELF can be. It doesn’t matter if you don’t believe it at the moment because if you’re consistent and you keep proclaiming those words over you your brain starts to believe it. I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase, ‘fake it till you make it’? This is a perfect example!

Eating Without Distractions

This was an odd one for me to practice, but it was very effective. Nine times out of ten we’re busy while we’re eating; talking to someone, on the computer or playing with your cell phone. There was a challenge on a podcast that had you eat with no distractions. Eat while doing nothing else besides eating. Kinda weird, but this gave you a chance to appreciate food for what it is……food.

Without any distractions you’re able to appreciate every bite, the different tastes and smells and the texture to be grateful for being able to eat. If we’re distracted we’re usually finished with our meal before we actually realize what the food had tasted like because our attention isn’t at the task at hand. Ultimately this procedure formed gratitude and thankfulness for the food you were consuming. Just getting into the mindset of thankfulness is one of the most effective tools for recovery.

In Conclusion…I write this just so I can get the most important aspect across…struggles with depression are different. Not one is the same and not one situation that causes depression is the same.

Depression should not be downgraded.

I explained how I was raised in a wonderful Christian home with amazing parents, and guess what? I was depressed, I had substance abuse issues and I was addicted to food, or a lack there of.

LISTEN!

Now, it doesn’t matter what type of addiction, issue or struggle you have YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE!!! You are worth MORE than the sleepless nights due to anxiety, you are worth MORE than the cuts on your arm, you are MORE than skipping meals, you are MORE than making yourself throw up, you are MORE than using alcohol to cope, you are MORE than pills, you are MORE than feeling like sex is the ONLY way you feel worthy, you are MORE than what other people say or do to you, YOU ARE MORE!!

It doesn’t matter what you’ve done, who did what to you or what you’ve been through….those scenarios do NOT have to define you! There might be someone in your life telling you that you’re not good enough, you’re not smart enough, you’re not fast enough, you’re not talented enough….BUT their words do NOT have to define who you are as a person! Those words don’t have to mold your future or your potential!

You were designed and you are destined for GREATNESS!!!

Here’s the kicker though, are you ready?I watched a motivational speech by Will Smith and he spoke about Fault and Responsibility.He stated that it is NOT your fault that those things happened to you, but it is DAMN sure your responsibility to do something about it and to not let those words mold you into a person who falls victim and believes the whole world owes you something.

Being in ‘victim mode’ only sets you up to lose.

Victims do NOT succeed!!

Casting blame on others gets you nowhere!I’ll be honest with you in saying that I’ve lost a lot of relationships because they lived in victim mode—nothing was there fault and their sadness and depression were all due to something that had happened to them in their past. I’m not discrediting their awful experiences, because nobody deserves to be treated that way. But instead of using those experiences as fuel to live a better, kick ass life, they’ve chosen to do the exact opposite and live a life of blame. And let me be the first to tell you, their lives are miserable. They’re not happy people. They’re not content with their lives, they’re depressed and they suffer addictions.  It’s very sad to see because, like you, they were created for greatness.

I hope you’re starting to realize your worth and your potential through this post. It may take some time to start believing in your worth and start believing you’re more than what other people say and more than what society says about you, but once you’ve grasped that concept, nothing, I mean NOTHING will be able to hold you down from your potential and GREATNESS in life!!

You are more.

You are more than depression.

Depression doesn’t have to define you.  

My main purpose of writing this bit of biography and my main purpose in life is to show you that depression can come in every shape and size. Depression can occur to someone who’s been abused and depression can occur to someone who’s had a great upbringing. Depression doesn’t favor anyone. My other main purpose in life is to also tell you that YOU. ARE. NOT. ALONE! Life is hard and I lived my life acting like it wasn’t hard and everything was fine. Please don’t do that! Here are some findings of a National Institute of Mental Health study of 10,000 teenagers (ages 13 to 18) with eating disorders. Researchers found that the majority of teens with eating disorders did have contact with mental health care, school services, or general medical services. But, LESS THAN A THIRD had talked with a professional about their eating or weight problems.

Do you know what this means??

These mechanisms of depression CAN be AVOIDED! I wouldn’t have gone to anybody either and that’s what I’m here for…to come to YOU and express my empathy and love towards you! I get it! I get laying awake at night in misery and anxiety. My anxiety was all derived from my physical appearance and substance abuse but your anxiety could stem from something totally different, but I get it!

If no one has told you, “I love you”, or no one has encouraged you lately, well sister, I FUCKING LOVE YOU and I encourage you to KEEP MOVING FORWARD. Keep pressing through this crippling depression, because I PROMISE you if you give it your 100% effort to recover, you will recover and gain SO much strength to help another woman who might be struggling.

Sister, thank YOU so much for reading this post. It means the absolute world to me! Please pass this on to whomever you think would need it! I love you!!

You are destined for greatness!!

Love,

Bethany

#depression #eatingdisorders #bodypositivity #anxiety #disorderedeating #youreworthy #greatness #recovery #edrecovery

[thedamnunpretty]

Life becomes so much more fulfilling when you are just simply yourself

I’ve invested a lot of energy in the past, both during my time as a Personal Trainer and through my friendships, encouraging people to embrace their bodies and promoting self-confidence and self-worth. What I’ve failed to do, is practice what I preach, and as a result I’ve found myself feeling incredibly low.

Any personal anxiety or depression I’ve experienced in the past has come from constantly battling a number of different pressures ineffectively and consequently becoming overwhelmed by them, to the point I completely crash and lose all motivation and control. The below is my own approach as to how to compartmentalise those different factors, understand how they have contributed to where I am today and hopefully pinpoint some ways to reduce the pressure they’ve caused.

Work

In a very short space of time I found myself leaving a fiancé, a house, a dog, complete security and uprooting my life to live in Glasgow, where I have had to try and establish a completely new network and sense of security. I live alone, and I’ve walked into a pretty full on job. I’ve consequently found myself putting most of my focus into my career, which is okay - I love my job, I love the people I work with and I have always been career driven. What I’ve failed to realise, however, is that work has become the single point of failure for me. If I have a bad day at work, it has a huge impact on how I feel about myself and my life – it’s where I’m investing all of my energy, so how could it not? Similarly, my main social interactions have been at work, so if I’ve felt disinterest from colleagues or had a work spat, it has had a much bigger impact than if I was to then to go home to a partner, a friend or family member and shut off for the night. Lesson #1 – Work and a successful career are important to me, so absolutely give them time and focus. Don’t, however, give it your absolute all.

Relationships

This is also the longest period of time, (pre-adolescence obviously excluded) that I’ve been single. That in itself has been a shift I haven’t really given enough headspace to deal with. There’ve been people since my ex who I have put energy into only to be left feeling mistreated or unwanted. These are people who I never felt enabled to be my true self with. People I would diet heavily for, people I would calm the weirdness for, people I would quash some of my interests that didn’t match theirs for. The mistake I have made has been allowing this to knock my confidence and assuming it means that there’s something ‘wrong’ with me, as opposed to the clear message that some guys are good, some just really fucking aren’t. And, in some cases, there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with me and there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with them, it just isn’t a fit and that’s okay. I’ve found myself installing dating apps after these occurrences, telling myself it’ll be fun to start online dating and putting myself out there. The truth is, the reason I’ve downloaded them is because my self-worth has been really, really low and I’ve looked to these apps for attention to satisfy that insecure need. I should meet someone because I’m actively ready and looking for a relationship, not because I’m feeling anxious about myself and need reassurance and acceptance. Every single download has led to boring conversations that don’t go anywhere and has made me question my worth even more. These apps rarely stay on my phone longer than a couple of days.

Lesson #2 – It’s unhealthy to rest your self-worth in another person. You need to know who you are, be true to who you are and then meet someone who will be your equal, not your whole and not simply your confidence boost.

Friendships

This is one of my toughest areas, as my nearest and dearest will know that events in my past have led me to invest heavily in friendships. This often means I take it really personally when I feel that friendships aren’t reciprocal or when I’m led to believe that I’ve disappointed someone. I constantly make the mistake of allowing one negative comment from one person to control how I feel about myself, despite several other friends rallying around and telling me I deserve more. Focusing on that one negative instead of the many positives and constantly trying to please everyone is one of my biggest battles. I need to learn to walk away from people who don’t deserve my friendship instead of harbouring negative energy trying to influence the way they think or feel.

Lesson #3 - Don’t invest in people who make you feel shit about yourself. If you were really such a bad friend, you’d have no friends.

Social Pressure

There are two elements to this for me. Firstly, how others perceive me and what impact that has on how I think and act. I’m actively described as hyper, good energy, full of life, a social butterfly, confident or extroverted. I can’t really argue with these definitions, but it makes it incredibly difficult to hold your hands up and admit when you aren’t feeling any of those things. People perceiving me as confident contributes its own pressures, as I can actually be quite anxious and consequently feel the need to qualm that and live up to the confident, extroverted persona that people expect.

Secondly, I can’t get through a mental health post without referencing the impact that social media can have. I am an individual who is (for the majority) full of life and I therefore ferociously pursue adrenaline, good vibes and ‘living so death has nothing to steal.’ Being someone whose social media is full of festivals, gigs, sports and making the most of the great outdoors makes it really hard to admit that there are days where you can’t physically get out of bed because you just feel like utter crap. Similarly, I spend a lot of time feeling body confident and celebrating the figure I’ve built in the gym – no one really wants to hear that I also spend a good proportion of my time feeling like a big ugly blob. The last thing you also need to see when you feel that way - other people living their own adrenaline rushes or posting pictures of their perfect tits and pretty face while you drip mascara into your ice cream tub (I exaggerate… maybe).

Lesson #4 – Living up to a social persona or questioning your own persona because of what you see socially is frankly fricking exhausting. I’m sure I’m repeating myself by now, but accepting who you are and that you won’t always be on top form is so important. My social media pages are captured memories and opportunities to keep up to date with friends. They are not a comparison tool.

It has taken a while for me to get to this point and to realise that I need to make some significant changes. I get my energy from other people, so it has been an enormous shift to live alone in a new city and by putting so much into my work I’ve neglected the care I need to give myself - the absence of which has allowed self-doubt to fester. Alongside learning from the lessons outlined in this post, I’ll be focusing on people and activities that make me happy, confident and true to myself. I seriously hope that these words help anyone else experiencing similar thoughts or feelings realise that it's absolutely normal and that there is no shame in admitting that you're not okay, despite what your life might look like.

You are your biggest commitment, so start loving your flaws, your awkwardness, your intensity, your vulnerability, your everything. Life becomes so much more fulfilling when you are just simply yourself.

[for-the-fantasy]

So Much Has Happened, But Nothing Has Changed. Chapter Three.

MASTERLIST

WARNING: a bit angsty 

No matter how many shows they played or how many parties they were invited to, Jared couldn’t help but feel a huge gaping hole right in the pit of his stomach, Addie was all he thought about and the more he tried not to, the more he thought about her. What was she doing, who was she with? He could not turn it off, she was always there in the back of his mind, he pictured her golden waves falling around her face and the smell of vanilla that lingered around her and just couldn’t get her image out of his head.

 He needed her. He just needed to see her again and it killed him to know that he couldn’t.

One month passed and Jared thought of how he hadn’t spoken to her on her birthday, something he had never ever missed. After every show, the rest of the band would go to bars and clubs, soaking in the whole rock star life, whilst Jared would insist they go without him and when that didn’t work, he kept to himself, wallowing in his misery and making very little effort with those who tried to approach him.

 Then two months had passed and Jared thought he was beginning to forget about her. He would go out with the guys and laugh and joke, he would play the shows with every inch of emotion he had in his body, he would stand and talk to people who had come to watch them play. But, still, every time a small pretty blonde would pass, or he would catch the scent of vanilla on someone, he would be flooded with emotion that made his heart heavy and his lungs tight.  

 Before he knew it, three months had passed and it was time to go home, as they prepared themselves for the journey back, he knew he couldn’t deal with these feelings anymore. He was going to see her and talk to her whether she wanted him to or not.

 ~~~

 They landed early in the morning and after they had gone through security and picked up their luggage, Jared made a quick dash for the taxi rank.

 “Jared! Dude, where are you going?” Shannon called out “Its too fucking early to be running anywhere” he adjusted his sunglasses on the bridge of his nose and rolled his eyes.

 “Shannon, take my luggage home with you, I’ll pick it up later! Please, I have to do something” Jared called nearly at the exit of the airport.  

 Jared found himself a taxi and gave him the directions for Addie’s house, the twenty-minute drive was excruciating. He just needed to be there and to see her face again. The taxi pulled up outside her house, he got out and took a deep breath.

 “Jesus.” He whispered to himself “What the fuck am I doing”

 He rang the doorbell and waited. No answer,

 He waited, ringing the doorbell a few more times

 “Addie?” he called out. “I know you’re there, its Monday and you’re in all day on a Monday with your Dad. You can’t hide from me forever” No answer. He was getting more and frustrated “Addison. Please just open the fucking door, I need to talk to you please”

 It was useless, she wasn’t going to answer.

 “I’m a fucking idiot” he sighed and sat on the doorstep contemplating what to do next.

 Just as he was about to give up completely, a cab pulled up outside and Addie got out.

 “What the—

 Addie slowly stepped out of the back seat, taking her sunglasses off.

 “Jared, uh, what the fuck” she shook her head, the look of utter confusion and exhaustion painted across her face.

 “Addie, thank God, I had to see you, I’ve been going crazy these past three months, I haven’t been able to think about anything but you” Jared gushed before noticing Addie’s reaction

 “Are you okay?” He lowered his voice. “Where is everyone? Where have you been?”

 For a second, Addie forgot about the confusion he had caused her just three months earlier and was relieved to see his beautiful face. He was only one she would have wanted to see had it not been for that night.

 “Yeah, uh, my, uh, it’s my Dad, he’s been in hospital these past few weeks, so I’ve been pretty busy. He’s going to be fine, everything’s fine. I just came home to shower and get some food. Ethan is there, with him now. Hospital parking is fucking expensive” She chewed on her bottom lip, staring at Jared. “so, we’ve just been taking cabs back and forth”

 “I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you, Addie.”

 “It’s fine” she shook her head, “You shouldn’t be here, Jared, I’m going inside. I’ll, uh, see you” she furrowed her eyebrows not feeling emotionally strong enough to deal with this today.

 “Wait, Addie, just, please let me talk to you. Can I come in and just hear me out and then you never have to see me again”

 “Look, I have so much shit to think about right now, I don’t need it to be any harder” she didn’t even turn to look at him as she looked for the house keys in her bag

 “Please.” Not even attempting to hide the pain in his voice “just five minutes and then I’ll go”

 Addison rolled her eyes, trying to hide the hurt,

 “Fine. Come on.” She motioned him with her hand and he followed.

 “Sorry it’s a mess, we haven’t exactly been here much lately” she said coldly avoiding his gaze.

 He stared at her, soaking everything in.

 “Take a seat” she motioned towards the living room as they made their way through the hallway, and sat awkwardly next to each other on the couch.

 “Look, Addie, I am deeply, truly sorry for confusing your feelings and just kissing you like that. I should never have sprung that upon you. I just didn’t know how else to let you know how I felt about you. Everything was just so heightened, we had just been offered this tour and I was so happy to share it with you I had no idea what came over me.” he stared into her eyes, waiting for a reply

 “Jared, I see how you treat the women you date. I refuse to be one of those girls. I won’t do it. I can’t.”

 “Addie, I’ve never felt this way before” Jared began, “what was supposed to be the most amazing experience of my entire life I never want to think about again because I missed you more than I could bear. Please. When I kissed you that night it only just confirmed my feelings. I care about you so much, Addie.”

 Addison stared at him, lost for words.

 “You would never be one of those stupid girls I messed around with! The only reason I was ever with any of them is because I needed some way to distract myself from you. I know I’m no good and you deserve the world but, Addie, I could never forgive myself if we lived our whole lives without me telling you.” Jared took a deep breath “I’m sorry, I had my five minutes, I’ll leav—

 “Why now?” Addison started, tears forming in her eyes, causing Jared to stop in his tracks “all these years you didn’t say a thing so why are you telling me this now?”

 “I don’t know” Jared turned to face her “I don’t know”

 “You don’t know?” Addison was becoming more and more frustrated

 “I don’t know! Why does it matter to you? Clearly you never felt the same way!”

 “Of course, I did” Addison shot to her feet, shouting, “Of course I did! I felt the same way about you for years! But you never even looked at me! You never even gave me a chance! You would brag to me about what women you had this week and who you were sleeping with next week! You idiot! For years, you never gave me a fucking hint! How the fuck was I supposed to know? I finally came to terms with the fact that nothing would ever happen and you go and do this?”

 Addison took a deep breath, tears streaming down her face trying to steady her shaking hands.

 “Addison,” Jared whispered, moving closer, the atmosphere thick with tension he reached for her and she collapsed into his arms.    

 “I’m sorry” he whispered, pulling her into an embrace, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry” he held on for dear life as her intoxicating scent filled him whilst he left kiss after kiss on her cheek.

 “I love you” his whisper barely audible “I’m in love with you, Addison”

 She pulled away, wiping her eyes and breathing heavily. After a second, she moved closer, cupping his head in her hands and crashing her lips onto his. As their kiss became deeper and more passionate, Jared grabbed her pulling her as close as he could get, the heat filling the room. It felt right, it felt amazing and as Addison broke the kiss, she took Jared’s hand and lead him to her bedroom. 

#so much has happened but nothing has changed #jared leto #love #shannon leto #thirty seconds to mars #echelon #fanfic #fic #angst