#but even then. starting on my meds... i would avoid looking in the mirror

[flowery-mess]

Noah dating girl with atopic eczema

Soo I know this is very specific and probably not everyone is gonna relate, but as someone struggling with this condition and having big flare up this last month, I wanted to share this with you. It is important to me that this condition is spoken about, so feel free to slide in my inbox or message me if you want to talk about it.💗

*Atopic eczema is a condition that causes dry, itchy and inflamed skin. It is long lasting (chronic) condition and tends to flare sometimes. It is not contagious. The cause is unknown and there is no cure for it, only treatments that can make ot easier to lice with it.*

Noah learned about this condition when he met you.

You are used to living with it by now, but for Noah it's something new.

He sees it as any other condition and takes it very seriously.

He reads about it, because he doesn't want to make you uncomfortable by asking questions.

When you two met and it became more serious, you were scared that it will throw him off.

It's not contagious, but lots of people don't know that.

And because of that you get lot of stares and sometimes ugly comments.

When you started dating you were using your creams to make it better, but you HATE those oily creams, so you use them usually only when you know you will be in public and your skin will be seen.

As you two got closer you felt confident enough to tell him about it.

He was surprised, but just because he didn't notice it.

His reaction was very neutral, because he didn't see it as a problem, as you were scared he would.

Which was relief for you.

You stopped using your creams daily and it started showing more and more.

Noah asked some questions, mostly about how can he help, if it hurts when he touches you or if you want him to apply your creams for you.

Which was honestly one of your favorite things, him putting cream on your back and giving you a little massage along with it.

Those creams weren't so bad sinxe Noah started applying them.

But you have your ups and downs with this condition.

When it's really bad, it hurts.

It hurts like burns, and they're all over your body.

Noah makes sure you have water and your meds that help with the itching on your bed table.

He noticed that you're scratching yourself even in sleep, so he gave you one of his longsleeve t-shirts to avoid scratching yourself to blood.

He also started taking showers with you daily, because he noticed you always come out all bloody and bruised and the bathroom is like a fucking sauna.

That's because hot water triggers your skin, but it also feels really nice on your skin in the moment. But you're left with bloody hands and red skin afterwards.

So he showers with you to make sure you use warm water, not boiling hot water.

If you mention that some food or shampoo or washing powder triggers your eczema, you bet he will throw it out immediately and will look up options that are safe for sensitive skin.

When it's really bad and it effects you mentally (because it does) he showers you with love and cuddles.

He hates when it makes you cry.

Or when he sees you looking at your skin in the mirror with those sad eyes.

But what he hates the most is when you come home, obviously sad and he has to get it out of you, that someone at work said nasty comment towards your condition.

His heart aches when he sees you in long sleeved clothes almost every time you two leave the house.

It's not that you're ashamed of eczema, but you want to avoid those looks you get from strangers.

He also hates seeing you in long sleeved clothes at the band's concerts. Those venues get real hot really quick and he knows you're hot even if you say you're fine.

He makes sure to point out if your skin get's even a little bit better and he's all happy about it.

He helps you look for doctors that specialize in those conditions.

And he makes sure to attend every appointment with you, if you want him there.

He also uses it as a reason to go on vacations by the sea for a longer period than is usual, because sea helps with eczema.

Overall he helps you with everything, he helps build the confidence you lost because of this condition and he loves you unconditionally.

Remember that conditions like this don't definw you and you are beautiful and loved!💗

#noah sebastian #bad omens #noah sebastian x reader #bad omens imagine #noah sebastian band #bad omens band #bad omens cult #atopic dermatitis

[captain-mj]

"Something in him told him to put it on, feeling it against his skin."

Please. Please MJ, Pretty please, I don't know how or why it would happen, but I need Ghost to put on the coat or handle it a bit more. (Preferably without knowing the implications) Love the flustered Selkie!McTavish.

Foaming at the mouth because this is my two special interests merged

~~~~

Ghost tried not to do it again. Really, really tried. But Soap was in med bay and had asked him to grab some stuff for him. And the coat was laid out on the bed. 

The feeling crept back under his skin and before he knew it, his gloves were back off, running their way their way through the fur. 

Soap tensed, the entire base away, feeling the ghost of a touch. He closed his eyes tight. “Please don’t put it on. Please don’t put it on.” 

Ghost lifted his mask, just to the bridge of his nose, and lightly pressed it to his face. It was so soft. Smelled so intensely of Soap and the sea. Salt blending with the vanilla body wash he always used. He understood why Soap found it so comforting. It felt pretty heavy too, like the weighted blanket Ghost refused to admit he had in his room. 

Soap flushed, feeling the increasingly gentle touch. “What are you doing to me, Ghost?” He shuddered. Out of all of the team, Ghost would probably be the best he supposed. He didn’t ask him many questions, so Soap wouldn’t have to worry about spilling any secrets. Only really ordered him to do things in the field. Soap would just be an exceptional soldier a couple of days. 

That instinct started at the top of his spine, begging for him to slip it on. He shouldn’t. 

Ghost shrugged off the hoodie he had been wearing and fully removed the mask. He avoided looking in the mirror as he gently slipping it on. For once, he had worn short sleeves, which was perfect. The soft fur on him made something in his brain fizzle. 

Reluctantly, he looked in the mirror. He didn’t hate what he saw. Still scarred, still too much like his Father. But it didn’t seem as bad.

Soap winced, always hating this feeling. The strings in his body tensing and wrapping around his muscles. One always trying to drag him to the sea. And now one tangled around his heart that pulled him to Ghost. It wasn’t the best of feelings normally, even worse when he already had been harboring a crush on him. 

He remembered his mom, a selkie taken from her home and forced to marry his dad, explain to him one day what it was like to have your coat stolen. 

She had spoken like it was a poem, though she had said it so sadly.

“What do you want me to be? What do you need me to be? 

I’ll be perfect at whatever you want. 

I’ll rip my heart out if you ask.

I’ll be your guard. I’ll be your wife. I’ll bleed myself dry.”

They didn’t get a choice. Soap had his coat taken before. Once he found it, he joined the army to get far, far away. He was too human to just fuck off and be a seal. 

Wanted to sometimes. 

Soap closed his eyes, forcing himself to relax. His injured leg and the bullet wound in his side meant he couldn’t go to Ghost. He’d take any orders he was given, like always. He just hoped Ghost was kinder than the previous coat holder. 

Ghost gathered everything up while still wearing a coat. He put his mask on and then, with great reluctance, took off the coat. He folded it carefully and gently before putting it on top of the clothes and blanket that Soap had requested. Soap would be stuck in medical a couple of days so he thought it would be nice to have. 

Ghost didn’t knock, Soap would be expecting him back, and he almost laughed when the heart monitor sped up. He dropped the things on his lap.

“There you go.” 

Soap stared at the coat for a second, freezing. “What?”

“I saw it and thought you’d want it.” Ghost wasn’t going to admit to the crime of putting it on. 

Soap flushed bright red but didn’t pick it up. Ghost frowned at him and pushed it to his chest to show him what else he got. Soap wrapped his arms around it and flushed more. 

“Thanks, Simon.” 

“No problem, Johnny.” Ghost patted his head without thinking. “Feel better soon, yeah?”

Soap nodded dumbly and Ghost eventually left.

Soap got his phone and immediately called his mom.

“A bhobain! How are you?”

“Máthair. Are you able to talk?” Soap said it softly and she immediately became more serious. 

“Yes. Are you okay? Your coat is it safe?” She switched to Gaelic and he followed suit. 

“You know that... guy I had a crush on?”

“Oh no.”

“He gave it back. Physically pushed it back in my hands.”

“Oh no...” 

“Are we married now?”

#Johnny Soap Mactavish #Simon Ghost Riley #Soap Cod #Ghost COD #Soapghost #Ghostsoap #Soap x Ghost #Ghost x Soap #Macriley #Call of Duty #Call Of Duty Modern Warfare 2 #Selkie Soap

[rosslynchsslut]

Bella Hadid Who?

Summary: Reader gets new piercings and Matt loves them...

A/N: basically a self insert, cause I just got my nipples pierced. If y'all like this let me know if you want a Chris ver. Love yall!

Warnings: make out sesh, rough sex, P in V, nipple piercings ,mention of body image issues, mattitude!!!!, spanking, etc etc etc., pet names

Driving home from my appointment, I felt butterflies dancing in the pit of my stomach. I just got my nipples pierced, something I've been wanting to do since my junior year of high-school. It hurt a lot less than I thought it would, and I love the way they looked. My only real concern was how my boyfriend, Matt would feel about them. He knew I loved to get piercings and tattoos, but always where he could see usually. These were discreet, but I had an underlying feelings they would be really sexy to him (or maybe it was just wishful thinking).

For the next 5-8 weeks, I only wore super baggy shirts like hoodies, sweatshirts and tees triple my size to avoid my piercings possibly being shown through my shirt (which was another reason why I wanted them though). Matt definetely noticed something was up the third time I denied him for sex, and the fourth time around he confronted me.

"Babe, it's been a week and a half since I've last been inside of you and it's really starting to piss me off." I was in the kitchen making a snack when he brought the topic up. When I shurgged instead of giving him an answer, he groaned and sat on the counter top. "And don't think I haven't noticed the style change." He added, his attitude extremely prominent as he eyed holes in the back of my head.

"What? You don't like it?" I said blandly. I was basically speechless and didn't know how to drop the subject without spoiling the suprise. There was a long, almost awkward silence until Matt spoke up again.

"Kid, are you worried about you gaining weight?" I halted my movements to avoid from laughing because he was extremely off, but he took that as a yes and immediately attached himself to my back. "Baby~ you don't have to worry about that. Y'know I love you, don't you?" He whined, god he was so cute. He began to press open-mouth kisses to my neck and not-so-subtly grinding himself against my ass. He was horny and wanted to assure me of his 'ever-lasting love' so I ended up sucking him off and refused to go any further. I wanted to stay strong and really spring it on him. I also wanted to avoid infection and wait until they were fully healed until he went on licking all over them. And... I guess deep down I was insecure and worried about how he would feel about my decision. What if he really hated them?

2 months sexless is just another word for brutal torture. I was horny all the time and forced to get off on only my own fingers which were never enough after I met Matt. And since he med me, his hand had never been enough for himself. He was bricked up basically every other day if not everyday and I could feel the sexual tension going strong. He had been really abrupt and chaste with me because how many times I turned him down, he eventually stopped asking. This morning, he and his brothers had a meeting and he didn't even kiss me goodbye.

"No kiss, Matty?" The whine that fell from my mouth almost made him come back and kiss my lips. Almost. He shrugged, said 'love you' in a low tone and left our apartment. I almost felt betrayed, pissed off and horny. It was the day. The day where I would wear my tightest, thinnest shirt without and bra. So, I went upstairs and let my fun begin. I did my hair and makeup and oiled up my tattoos so they looked fresh, smiling at myself in the mirror knowing that both would be absolutely ruined by the end of the night. I slipped on a white cami top and Matt's sweatpants and gave myself a finally once over. I looked good, honestly and I had a new confidence with the new piercings added to the collection. I spent the next few hours dancing around the house with music blasting, anticipating Matt's return.

Matt got home pretty late and I had gotten in bed, sure he was probably staying the night with his brothers. He seemed pissed at me anyways. The door swung open and slammed closed and heavy footsteps could be heard walking from the living room to the kitchen and back again. I slowly got out of bed and came downstairs to say hi and hopefully grab his attention with my new addition to my body.

"Hey matty," I said walking into the room and finding him on the couch eyes trained on his phone. He picked his head up and looked at me, and smiled. My piercings from a dark distance looked like nipples I guess and he took away from that it was time to get it on.

"Heyyy, baby." His arms reached for me and I took the offering. I sat on his lap and wrapped my arms around his neck pecking his lips once, twice. "Missed you," Matt mumbled and reattached his lips to mine for a few seconds before kissing around my face. I giggled at the sensation, his small scruff tickling my skin. His lips moved down to my neck, and I just let him tilting my head back allowing him better access. The nips and licks he gave to my neck pulled soft noises from my throat and I ground my hips against his, seeking the friction we both lacked for the past months. His hips bucked up into mine, a groan of "Oh fuck, oh f-fuck" leaving his lips against my neck. Matt griped onto my hips and ground me against his crotch harder both of us whining.

"Matt please just fuck me," I whisper as my head falls back, the friction of his jeans brushing my clit in a delicious way. He scoffs at my request and rolls his hips up causing me to moan again.

"You're fucking pathetic, begging me to fuck you when all you've done is fucking tell me no." He rolls his hips and smirks that I am unable to speak. "You gonna cum by sitting on my lap, baby? Huh?" I nod and grind my hips, because Matt stops his movements. His hand tighten on my hips to stop my actions. A whine falls from my lips and I bury my fave into the crook of Matt's neck.

"Matt, please don't stop. I need you."

A cruel laugh slips out of his pretty pink lips. "Oh you need me?" His hands rub and down my sides lulling me into a false sense of security and comfort. He leans forward and his lips kiss the space behind my ear sending shivers down my spine. I whisper a "please" and I can feel the smirk on his lips. "Oh babe, you'll have to earn it." He takes me off of him and holds my hand tight. Leading me upstairs, I feel a pit in my stomach of pure anticipation. He pulls me into our bedroom and motions me towards the bed, and I sit obediently. "No, no. Turn over, lay on your stomach pretty girl." His voice is dripping in honey and his eyes are so soft so I turn to lay on my stomach, laying my cheek on the soft texture of blanket beneath me. He walks up behind me and runs his warm hands over my ass and up my back repeatedly. I close my eyes and enjoy the touch until he roughly yanks my pants AND .y underwear down to my ankles. I gasp as the air hits my bare ass and Matt hushes me. "Its okay, baby." His hands run over my ass and back again, his hands are warm but he wears a ring on almost every finger and they are cold as ice.

"Matty, your rings are cold babe." I warn him and there it is again. The cruel laugh tearing through his throat.

"M'sorry baby," he whispers before his hand comes down hard across my left ass cheek. The added feeling of his rings give an even more delicious sting and it already feels like too much. But we both love it. He brings his hand down again.

"Ah! Fuck" I cry out in a fine line between pleasure and pain. He sucks air through his teeth and rubs my ass, where I knew there was a large red imprint of his lovely hand.

"I'd continue you're punishment but I miss you so much, pretty girl. Turn over." His voice is less silly sweet, but now demanding. I hesitate and he grabs my wrist and flips me over immediately. "What did so fucking say?" He's not yelling (because he knows I hate that) but his voice has a sharp edge, deadly and shouldn't be played with.

"M'sorry, Daddy." I whisper. He moves his face closer to mine and I study him. Pupils blown wide with lust, the blue is nearly gone. His lips pink and wet, cheeks hot and burning and jaw ticking with annoyance.

"Fuck yeah you are, pretty girl." He presses his mouth against mine and is immediately dominating the kiss with tongue and teeth. His lovely hands wander up and down my body, squeezing my thighs and sneaking up the thin material of my shirt to toy with my boobs. His actions fall to a painful stop, and I wince mentally. Fuck. He's breathing heavily into my mouth and his hands are stuck on my breasts, unmoving. Matt completely detached himself from me and sits back on his heels as he demands me to take off my shirt. I slowly peel my shirt over my head, body but ing and hands shaking. Fuck fuck fuck. I watch Matt's mouth open to an 'O' shape as his blue eyes scan the expanse of my chest. And he does the unexpected, his dark eyes look up at me and he attaches himself to my left breast, hand fleeing to my right to massage it. A loud moan slips past my lips and I throw my head back.

"Ahh, fuck-" I cut myself off with a whine as I feel his teeth nibble at my bud and the metal pierced through it. He release his mouth with a pop and smirks at me.

"I like these, baby." He whispers, fingers toying with my piercings lightly tugging. I mumbled a good and he pushes me back onto the mattress. He slowly but surely kisses his way up from my navel to my face colliding our lips in a other lustful kiss. He moaned into my mouth when I brought my hand down to touch his clothed dick scratching over it lightly.

"Take these off, M. I need you," my voice dripped in arousal to match my sopping core. I gave him my best 'fuck me' eyes as he removed the confines of his dick and I removed my skimpy panties. I laid with my legs spread, propped on my elbows my dripping pussy on full display for him.

"God look at you spread open for me like the best girl." He leans down to press a kiss to my womanhood and I arch my back and release a dirty moan. "Fuck,my good girl." Matt mumbles as he licks a stripe up my pussy and nips at my clit. I throw my head back as Matt continues to tease my entrance with his pretty pink tongue. As much as I enjoy the foreplay, I really NEED Matt and his beautiful dick. He needs to be 6 feet inside. I kick his shoulder and he stops and glances up arms with a small pout on his face.

"Just fuck me Matt," I say before adding teasing words, "Or did you forget how to,baby?" Added the right amount of fuel to his fire, he licks my pussy one final time and crawls up to kiss my lips so I can taste myself on him. I moan into his mouth, encouraging him to keep going. Just fuck me already! Matt pulls away from my mouth to look down at where our two bodies will meet. He pumps himself a couple times and his pink tip is at my drooling hole. "Put it innnn" I cry out as his rubs himself up and down my pussy. He smiles at my impatience which would usually lead to terrible consequences for me but he needs this too much. Like me. So he slides in finally, pornographic and breathy moans leaving both of us. He pauses, halfway in as I unintentionally flutter around him. Its too good, and its been too long. He buddies his face in the side of my neck and bottoms out. Finally I'm full of his lovely cock. He's panting into my neck and I'm moaning at the feeling of his cock already so deep in me. "Move, Matty. Please." It came out as the quietest whisper but he heard me and he pulled his hips back.tip barely even in me before slamming full into me again. We both cry loudly in unison at this almost foreign and forgotten feeling.

"Fuck, baby, fuck fuck fuck fuck," Matt's practically screaming as he drills his cock deep into me, brushing my cervix in the best way. I wrap my legs around his to feel him deeper. "Yes," he pants out

"Baby, fuck harder please please please AHH F-FUCK!" I'm barely able to get the request out before Matt has me on my knees, fucking into me doggy style hitting an unbelievably good spot inside of my spongy walls. Matt has a white-knuckle grip on the headboard and his other arms comes around to play with my nipples. I throw my head back against his shoulder, mouth open and practically drooling over his dick fucking me so well.

"God, baby, I'm close. Mmmm, fuuuuuck I'm close. I wanna cu.." His words trail into a whine as I squeeze around him sucking him in as I slam my hips back onto him. I was already close too, but I wanted him to come first. I tore my body away from my boyfriends and whisper into his ear

"Lemme ride you daddy." Hit is moan was boarding porn star as he laid on his back and reached out for me. It was my turn to grab onto the headboard as I sunk impaling myself onto his big, hard, veiny dick that was soaked in our arousals. We both threw our heads back as I began to grind myself on his dick and then I began to bounce ANF I almost blacked out at the feeling. "Oooh fu- Oh Matty" I cried bouncing faster and faster chasing both of our releases. His eyes were trained on how my tits moved above him, metal glistening in the nipples he loved so much.

"You're so sexy, Y/N/N, baby I'm gonna cum fu-fuck I'm gonna cum so ha-baby!" Mat couldn't get a straight sentence out as I began to squeeze onto slamming myself down hard and faster. His hands flew to my head and gripped onto my hair. "Fucck, oh god please please" he whisper incoherently hips bucking up and eyes rolling back "Oh fucking goooood, babe AH Ah AHh AHH Fuck!" He cried out, releasing his warm seed into my pussy triggering my own release. I threw my head back and moaned, the sinful sound ringing in Matts ears as he panted hard, whining from the overestimulation from his girlfriend still bouncing on his soft cock. One last moan from me and I lay myself down on his chest lifting my hips. Matt's cock fell from my sore pussy. He turned his head to me and smiled and I repaid the smile. He pinched my nipple and smiles. "Definitely worth it." He laughs out breathlessly.

"Good," I smile and leave a kiss on his lips before standing on shaky legs. "We need to clean up." I sigh and he's reattached to me hugging me tight from behind, already hardening cock poking me from behind.

"Lets go, I wanna see how those pretty pierced tits looks wet."

#sturniolo fanfic #smut #sturniolo x reader #sturniolo triplets #sturniolo smut #matt sturniolo #matt sturniolo x reader #matt sturniolo smut #matthew sturniolo #daddy k!nk

[schizosupport]

Hi! I never send asks I'm sorry if this is weird or awkward? I'm just sitting in a mental health ward right now and trying to figure out whats going on.

So I've had mental health problems for a decade now but the past week is the first time my paranoia and things have ever gotten this bad, it felt like there were creatures? shadow people? in my apartment and i was only safe if i stayed totally still and silent cause then they couldnt hurt me, i kept seeing them out of the corner of my eyes, and it just wasnt safe to touch the floor or look in mirrors in the same way your brain wont let you touch a hot stove and no one seems to understand when i explain that its just not safe i cant do it and i cant explain. Is there a word for that? i dont understand any of this.

But it just kept getting worse and worse until my friend called the police on me and they took me to the hospital. ive calmed down now and realize it wasnt real but it FELT real and I feel like im going insane and don't know what to do, theyre saying its micropsychosis because of my bpd and because its supposedly bpd they dont know if they can help with meds but i dont feel like i can function like this, i know it gets bad again when im alone and i live alone and no one here seems to understand anything about psychosis at all, they keep giving me pamphlets on anxiety and breathing exercises (helpful but not what I need-what do i do when im seeing things? when something feels unsafe do i force myself to do it anyways as exposure therapy? or treat it like its real and try and calm down that way?) And basically i was wondering if you have any advice? or even reliable places to read more to learn about psychosis or micropsychosis or whatever this is? i just know its terrifying and im scared and dont feel like i can talk to anyone about it. Sorry this got so long!

Hi there!

It sounds like you had a really scary episode of paranoia, I'm sorry that happened to you! It's definitely recognizable to me as an experience, and I completely understand why you are scared of being that irrationally afraid again. It's very scary to lose control of your own mind in that way.

It always sucks when the MH professionals around you don't seem to quite understand your difficulty. While they may be right that this sounds like it could be an episode of "micro psychosis" that could be associated with bpd (or other disorders), that doesn't mean that it isn't a type of psychosis and that you can't benefit from resources geared more at that.

I would say about medication that the professionals may be reluctant around antipsychotic medication, because those are very side effect heavy medications, but if you continue to have experiences like this, it's not to say that it couldn't be worth it for you. Everyone responds very differently.

As for how to "deal with it" it's honestly very hard, especially in the beginning, and it's not something I can easily summarize in my current state and everyone is very different. But I think that trying to find things that make you feel more safe in the moment is important, even if it's "silly". Like for me, if I'm having a bad time when I'm going to sleep, I'll sleep with my lights on to avoid the worst of the paranoia. And I know some people have a teddy they consider protective, stuff like that. It might seem like "leaning into the crazy", but I don't personally think that it's harmful to use the "crazy" logic of these episodes to find a bit of comfort as well.

I hope that you can start to feel more safe.. and if this continues or gets worse I hope you can find some help from the professionals in your life.. otherwise I recommend looking for communities of others with similar experiences.

I hope this answer finds you well,

Glitch

#answers

[nyotasaimiri]

Arc Two 105

Oldarva hummed quietly to herself as she almost drifted through the kitchen. It was hard to move quickly when she felt so calm. She probably should not have felt calm, she realized. Nyota and Hadley were both in the med-bay again, she had gone hand to hand with actual Occasus, and they had a prisoner locked in the storage room turned brig. A few months ago, she would have been nothing but afraid.

“But a few months ago, I was still living under Big Ape’s eye,” she whispered to herself as she took the mixing bowl off the shelf. “I would have never reached the stars.”

She stopped, laughed at herself, and shook her head. She would never have talked to herself like this, either. Too dangerous. But she had stopped being afraid at some point, here. Started to really trust.

A hand knocked on the doorframe. “Someone’s feelin’ poetic,” Lumen said, stepping into the room. “Reachin’ the stars, huh? Now that’s a right purdy way to put it.”

Oldarva laughed and started looking for the flour. “It is better than how Namina would phrase it.”

Lumen hummed and crackled like a chuckling stormcloud. “Don’t ya get me started on him. Yeet at sssky, my boot. The hey’s a yeet? A yet ya stretched too long? Bloomin’ golly. And now he’s got Sonny sayin’ it.”

“Pass the eggs, please,” Oldarva said, trying to mirror that smooth way Nyota had of avoiding arguments in her kitchen. And then, because she was Oldarva and not Nyota, she added, “Does it really bother you?”

“Eh, not really.” Lumen ducked down to get a better look through the fridge. “Just does me some good to fuss ‘bout somethin’ when we got a whole lot of somethin’ I can’t do much about, y’see.” He straightened up and passed her the eggs with a thin hiss. “Hoo-ee, that half smarts, gettin’ the cold air on my brand.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t even think about that…” Oldarva paused in her work with a nervous, apologetic smile.

Lumen waved it off. “Don’t ya worry none, neither did I. I always forget about that. So, whatcha makin’? Don’t think I’ve seen ya use the oven before.”

Eldie looked down at her hands, blushing. “I thought I’d try muffins… SAIL had some useful kitchen safety tutorials, so I thought I might be able to do it by myself.”

Lumen nodded in approval. “That’s mighty wise of ya. And I’m sure the captain won’t mind ya givin’ her a break in here when she’s gotta rest. Saves some worryin’.”

“Yes, that’s what I hoped.” The blush got hotter, but she didn’t mind it too much. “But I can’t seem to find the sugar. Have you seen it?”

Lumen whistled curiously. “It ain’t in the usual place?” When she shook her head, he sighed. “Well, I can guess. Just hang on half a tick, I got ya.”  

He did not even bother looking for the sugar. Instead, he walked over to the wall, wrestled the grate off the air vent, and banged on the metal. “Hey, Ferny! I know you’re in there. Where’d ya hide it this time?”

A raspy chuckle drifted out of the vent and made Oldarva’s fur stand on end. Stars but he sounded spooky like that. Eldie took a reflexive step back and bumped into the counter as she heard something shuffling in the vents.

Namina popped his head out with a sheepish grin. “Lightss-friend has gotten clever,” he said. “Heard Floran in the air pipess?”

Lumen flicked his nose. “Didn’t need to hear ya this time,” he said, making a strange thin noise like a radio being tuned. “I hear ya scuffin’ ‘round in there all the time when I’m mindin’ the medbay. And we all know ya hide the sugar to play a joke on the Captain.”

Eldie had not actually known that, but decided that now was not the time to speak up.

The floran’s grin widened and he pulled himself out of the vent properly. “Is hidden in freezer today. She does not look in freezer much. Don’t tell. Fun can wait until Captain is done sssleeping, yes?”

“Sure, sure. Oh hold on now, don’t ya dare shake off in here,” Lumen warned as he caught Namina shifting in place. He pulled in the floran’s elbow, with absolutely no effect. “C’mon, get outta the kitchen before ya do that.”

“Floran is not dusty!” Namina protested. “Sparkss-friend cleaned those vents lassst week. Floran is curiousss.”

“Sparks? Is that what ya call Sonny now?” Lumen let go of Namina’s arm and ran his fingers through his corona, thoughtful. “It suits her. But what’s up, then?”

Namina ruffled Lumen’s corona and ducked away, chuckling, as the novakid crackled and tried to swat him. “Floran helps, yes?” he said, sidling up to Oldarva. “Floran gives sssugar, helps with the cooking.”

“Oh—” Oldarva nearly dropped her mixing bowl. He moved very fast. “Well, if you like. It’s just muffins, though. But I can always make extras if I have helpers.”

“Yay! More ssnack!” Namina pulled the sugar out of the freezer and scrambled up onto the counter to retrieve the extra flour from wherever he had hidden it.

Lumen fizzed and shook his head. “Boy howdy but I guess I better help ya too, at least to keep an eye on him. Well, not an eye… ya know what I mean.” He pulled a spare apron off the cabinet door and put it on. “We better make more’n usual anyhow. Captain said we’re visitin’ the rebels soon. They always like a good meal.”

Oldarva smiled and nodded. “They do. They more than deserve it. Let’s see… banana and nut, I think. Oh, but Commander Blake dislikes bananas. Chocolate, then?”

The novakid laughed, then sparked and jumped back. “Blazin—whoa!”

Eldie turned around just in time to catch Namina as he fell off the counter. “My goodness! Namina, you must be more careful. Don’t squish Lumen, please.”

Namina grinned and bonked his nose against hers. She blushed and dropped him in shock. He caught himself easily and presented the cocoa powder with a flourish. “Chocolate, yess! Floran helps.” He spotted the blush and his grin widened even further. “Floran keeps this up and we bake muffins on Eldie’s face, yes?”

Lumen swatted his arm. “Give the poor gal a break and go find the muffin tins.”  

#arc two

[buckyoneshots]

Plot : you and bucky and bucky are together this is the aftermath of a injury from a mission

You got discharge from the hospital after 4 days while on a mission you got caught in an explosion and had a concussion, a few broken ribs, and some pretty bad cuts and bruises

You had just convinced bucky yesterday that you were fine and he could go home and at least take a shower

He hadn't left you side the entire time not that you expected any less you knew bucky was the one who found you after the explosion and he was still worried even tho the doctor said you will be fine

You don't really remember much after the explosion just bucky calling your name and him telling you to keep you eyes open. The rest is just kind of a blur

You walked to the car with bucky following closely behind " I can walk you know" you've had injuries worse then this,sure everything hurt but you could manage

" ya I know" he looked down to the ground you noticed he's been doing that alot not keeping eye contact with you you figured it was just because you still looked pretty beat up so you didn't mention it

He open the door for you and help you in the car you closed you eyes and waiting for the pain in your side to subside from the moment

He comes to the other side of the car and starts the drive back home to the compound he tries to drive back as carefully as he can trying not to hurt you anymore

He ended up hitting a bump that made you wince in pain " sorry doll" you take a deep breath " it's ok not your fault"

Bucky had his hand on you upper thigh moving his thumb in small circles it was a comforting movement

Your now in your room " I'm going to take a shower" bucky slightly smile at you " call me if you need anything I'm going to go get us some food real quick" you get excited you haven't had anything but hospital food in days " food sounds amazing right now" he gives you a quick kiss tells you he loves you and leaves

You turn the shower on and look at yourself in the mirror you have a busted lip and a cut above you eyebrow which would probably leave a scar and your ribs were still bruised. But you looked much better then when you first woke up at the hospital

The warm water felt nice and relaxing against your sore body you sat at the back of the shower and just let the water hit you

After a few minutes your body becomes a lot more sore and you realize that your pain meds are starting to wear off it's been a few hours since the last time you took them

Sowly you get dressed trying not to move super quick so you don't hurt yourself. You try to look for your pain meds but you can't find them

You really try to avoid calling Bucky cause you know hes just gonna be worried and rush home when you ask where they are. But you didn't want the pain getting worse then it already was so you decided to call him

He answers immediately. " What's wrong, babe?" You can hear the worry in his voice. You quickly answer him back trying to sound as normal as possible "nothings wrong I just can't find my pain meds" He can hear you shuffling through a bunch of stuff trying to find them " your pains getting worse" He says it more of a statement and not a question

" They're just starting to were off its really not that bad" bucky take a minute before he speaks again "there in the bag we brought back from the hospital just make sure you read the label before you take them there's a few different prescriptions in there dont take the wrong ones"

You go over to the bag and look at a few different pill bottles before you find the right ones. Bucky was right there are quite few pill bottles in there " got em thanks baby" You set the rest of the pill bottles that were now on the floor on the night stand next to your bed

You figured it was best to keep them out in the open were you and bucky can see them so one of you can remember you need to take them

" I'm driving back from getting food I'll be home in no more than 10 minutes call if you need anything else i love you" you open the pill bottles and put to pills in your hand " Drive safe I love you too" You find water and you take your pain meds

You decided to lay down in bed and wait for bucky to get home. It was only then you realized how exhausted you actually were. Sleep took over you in no time

When Bucky got home and realized you were sleeping he put the food on the floor and give you a kiss on the cheek and pulled the covers over you shoulders before he lay down next to you. He put his arm around your waist careful about your ribs so he didn't hurt you.

You turned around and put your head on his chest sleeping soundly knowing that you're safe in his arms.

#bucky barnes #bucky barns fanfiction #bucky barns imagine #bucky barns x reader #bucky barns x you #bucky barns x y/n #bucky x female reader #bucky x reader hurt #buck x hurt reader

[5sosxqueen]

Luke's Surgery

< Part 1 , < Part 2 , < Part 3

< Part 4 , ~Part 5~

Alright, final part of this fic. Hopefully, you guys liked it.

Warnings: A interband romance relations between Michael and Ashton, concussion, injury, acohol/alcohol consumption, hospital, vomiting/emeto

Written in 2018

Published (Wattpad) - Feb 28, 2018

Word Count: 1729

Updates are every Tuesday and Thursday

Also Available on Wattpad and AO3!!!!

Part 5:

Luke's POV:

       "JOSH!" Calum and I both screamed. "What are the chances of us running into you here, of all places? God, Josh Devine... You look great man. How long has it even been?" I questioned, absolutely amazed to see him after all these years.

       "I was here to visit a friend that's here in the hospital. What happened to you Luke? Look at your hair, it isn't quiffed." He lifted one of my curls, that wasn't under the bandage, and messed with it before letting it drop.

       "I hurt my ankle at some point earlier this month. It caused me to fall down the stairs and in the process, I earned myself a concussion and a ruptured Achilles tendon. I had to have surgery on it this morning." Josh shook his head.

       "Damn, I'm glad you're ok now... Or relatively at least." He patted my shoulder and smiled at me. "So I was getting ready to head out and by the looks of it, so were you. Would you guys like to hang with me at my place?" Calum and I both smiled at each other.

       "We would love that thanks Josh." Calum accepted happily.

        "Alright, let's go!!!" He pumped his fist into the air and we started walking toward his truck. As I approached the truck I felt my stomach drop and I knew this ride was going to suck.

       "Hey Josh?" I asked as we slid into the vehical.

       "Ya, Luke?" He countered as he adjusted his mirror and buckled his seat belt.

        "How long is... the drive from here to your house?" He put the key into the ignition and started the engine, causing me to pause mid sentence to avoid spewing. He started to pull out of the spot and headed for the street.

       "It's about a 2 mile drive, so maybe 5-10 minutes." I hummed and leaned my head against the window. About 2 minutes into the drive we hit a bump in the road and I went from slightly nauseous to I'm going to puke.

        I felt my entire body enveloped in a sticky sweat and heat up as I began to shake. 'Fuck...' "Cal..." I broke the silence, feeling sicker by the second.

        "What's up Luke? You ok?" I watched Josh glance back at me through the rear view mirror. I shook my head.

       "I um... I need one of the bags..." I felt my stomach trying to come up and planted my hand over my mouth. He quickly pulled one of the bags out from his jacket pocket and opened it, before handing it to me. I removed my hand and held the bag in front of me. I leaned forward and rested my splitting head on my arm.

       "Luke, would you like me to stop the car?" Josh looked through the mirror again with great concern in his eyes. I shook my head some, doubting he even saw. "I'm going to stop at a gas station and I'll get you some sprite. That might help settle your stomach." Before I could respond, my stomach turned dangerously and I pressed the bag up to my face and I was overcome by wretches and dry heaves.

       I felt the car come to a stop after a couple turns and heard Calum and Josh open and close their doors. Calum rushed over and opened my door and was quick to rub my back as I continued to wretch into the bag. "Breathe Luke. I know it's hard, but try to take a deep breath and relax." I took a very shakey breath and leaned into his chest, keeping the bag in place. I felt myself relax and vomit shot right into the bag, with very little warning.

       "Here, Calum." Josh yelled as he sprinted out of the gas station. He handed Cal the bottle of sprite. "I also got some anti-nausea and migraine meds."

       "Thanks so much Josh. We really wouldn't have asked for you to buy anything." Calum said kindly.

       "Oh it's not a problem, I mean we were close during the tour so why not?" He shrugged his shoulder and hopped back into the car. I stopped vomiting after a good couple of minutes and leaned back into the seat once more. Calum took the bag and disposed of it, before getting into the car and handing me another bag just in case. "You guys ready to take off? Luke you good?"

       "Yep. I should be good for now. Worse case senerio, I have a bag." I said holding up the unopened bag so Josh could see it.

       "Fair enough. Ok let's get going." He said pulling out and heading back onto the road.

Josh's POV:

       After years of not seeing any of the 5SOS members, seeing Luke so sick truly saddens me. Once we got to my house, thankfully with no more issues, I got Luke situated on my couch. "Hey Luke, I've been wondering this for a bit now. Where are Ashton and Michael?" He sighed.

       "They are probably laying down cuddling somewhere... Mashton is a thing now so they are loving every minute together, not caring what happens to me. They don't even know I had surgery, nor that Cal is with me I bet. They are in their own little world." He looked over at Calum and back at me with tears in his eyes. I gave him a huge hug. 'You shouldn't be treated like this...'

      "I could give them a call." Calum suggested. Luke shook his head.

      "I don't want anything to do with them right now... I don't want to feed the fire by hearing their voices right now." We both nodded.

      "How about we get your mind off of things?" I asked walking over to my entertainment center and pulling out some video games. I watched as Luke's face brightened instantly and he nodded. "Alright I'll set these up. You guys are also welcome to stay for as long as you need." I explained and they both seemed more than happy at my hospitality.

Ashton's POV:

      Michael and I became official after the party that was a week ago. We were in the house cuddling when I suddenly heard a knock on the door and got up to answer it. To my horror it was Matt, his face unreadable. "Care to explain?" He asked through gritted teeth.

       "Explain what...?" I retorted, acting as if I didn't know what he was talking about.

       "You know damn well what I'm talking about Ashton!" Matt shouted somewhat pushing me out of the way to come in. Michael heard the commotion and came out of the room.

       "What's going on?" Matt just looked over at him with a mean face and buffed at him.

       "You boys really think we are that stupid? You guys kissed and it is all over the news! Personally, I don't give a fuck what you boys do behind closed doors, but you should know better than to do something so idiodic out in public! Do you have any idea what this could do to your reputation as a band!?" Michael and I both cast our gazes down at our feet. "If anyone asks, the kiss was nothing more than a drunken mistake... Got it!?" We nodded and I tried to push the tears aside. I couldn't. Next thing I knew I was sobbing in Michael's arms. Matt sighed heavily. "I'll talk to management. I'll let you know what they say about it." He said, not fully specifying what "it" was. He stepped out of the house, leaving me a teary eyed, hysterical, mess and Michael dumbfounded.

       "What the fuck. This whole situation is fucked. Was it really that serious?" Michael questioned to nobody in peticular.

       "He-He's right we could've just fucked over our band... Have you noticed that neither Luke or Calum have contacted us?" I looked up at Michael and he wiped the tears that have fallen from my eyes, before nodding sadly.

       "Yes I have babe and I know where they are. I've seen several pics they've posted within the week. Let's go!" We quickly ready and got a cab to Josh's house. We got out and hesetantly knocked on the door.

Luke's POV:

      "Luke, we have company..." Calum stated, walking into the room with Ashton and Michael tailing close behind. My face dropped.

      "I'm going to leave you all alone..." Josh said, standing up and walking out of the room.

      "What do you want?" I asked harshly.

       "Forgiveness... We are sorry for not calling, and not visiting you, an-" Michael started before I cut him off not caring what he had to say.

      "How am I supossed to trust you guys now? While I was in the hospital, you guys were all kissy and lovey-dovey, whilest I was suffering." I said to both of the band members standing in front of me.

       "Luke, don't be pissed at him. It was all my fault. He wanted to stay, but I forced him to leave. How can I make this up to you? I promise I'll do anything. Please, I'll even hold your dick while you piss, need be..." He flinched and looked over at Michael with an insanely pathetic look before saying, "Sorry Michael..." He waved him off trying to hold back chuckles at his new boyfriends pleading state.

      I tried my hardest to keep a straight face, but I couldn't stop a small twitch at the corners of my lips and soon enough I was bursting into a fit of laughter. "Ash, I appreciate the offer, I really do, but I don't swing like that. You might, but I don't." I glanced over to Calum who was smirking over at me and I mouthed a quick 'shut up' to him. "Fine I'll forgive you, come here."

       While Michael and Ashton did get into some deep shit with management, management did decide they didn't have to hide their new found relationship and the fans were actually really understanding. While my trust for them had broken they easily mended it by sticking to their promises by taking care of me. After a month my concussion was healed and I was able to get the ankle boot off. I still needed the crutches though. The band ended up becoming stronger than ever and our bond only grew. I really do love these guys!

#5sos #5 seconds of summer #luke hemmings #michael clifford #ashton irwin #emeto #calum 5sos #vomit sickfics #ashton 5sos #michael 5sos

[dzpenumbra]

8/24/22

My cat, Maxine, has been really hyper right at bed time every night the past few weeks. It's been very difficult to manage. I'm trying to be nice about it, but it's very clear that her primary goal is to attack and sink her fangs into my ankles, calves or shoulders, and it's kinda hard to negotiate with that. Especially when she doesn't speak English. So I have to figure out how to get her the attention and play she's looking for, in a way where I'm not really encouraging the way she's getting it. Assuming it's just play she wants and not like... a tooth problem she's trying to tell me about or something. Anyway, just finished up a little light play and well developed physical deflection tactics to get myself into bed.

I'm afraid this might be subconsciously part of why I'm going to bed later at night all of a sudden, because she's trying to claw me to pieces every night, but honestly I have no idea. If I had to put money on it, it would've been the full moon that threw off my sleep, but maybe she's part of it too. It's so crazy that at 16 she's still so youthful and playful. I've been really lucky with amazing pets that stay youthful their whole life, I hope she has many more years to share with me. Even though she goes all huntress-mode and gets me sometimes, she's still incredibly sweet and loving, and she's become very expressive. I love her very much.

I wanted to write in here about mental health stuff a bit. My personal journey and the things I've learned so far. I've been browsing #journal and I see a lot of stuff talking about mental health. Kinda duh, I guess. I've been on all damn sides of the mental health world. I took my first psych class in 2005. They taught us out of the DSM-IV, I remember that shit because a LOT of disorders in there are just... not really considered disorders anymore? I guess it was like 10 years old at the time, but it's been interesting to see the shift as we continue to learn more as a culture. I avoided meds for a long time, then when things started getting dark for me, I just said "fuck it, fix me" and let them give me whatever they wanted. My life went in the toilet so quick, dude.

The situation was basically like... no healthy family or friend relationships, trapped on my parents' property, rarely leaving my house. No where to go, nothing to do. I just became a ghost kinda, I guess. The only times I went into public were for groceries and to go out to dinner with my family, which would give me panic attacks literally every time. I got on benzos for the panic attacks. Then sleep just stopped happening. So they put me on, I shit you not, an anti-psychotic medication because... get this... it has a side-effect of making you sleepy. Right... I was on that for like a year. It fucked me up so much that they had to send the medication to a compound pharmacist who would make a solution out of the smallest dose available so I could take 1/4 of the smallest dose they had and it still knocked me on my ass on a 10 minute fuse. They threw in an anti-depressant or two cuz, you know, fuck it.

After a while of this, I got into a new phase in life - I had a girlfriend for the first time in like 5 years, I shut down a career path that really was a sinking ship, I was at a turning point and since I finally had dedicated support, I decided to take the opportunity to get off of meds.

It went bad. It was on a delayed fuse, of course, but after a summer of detoxing, that Fall got messy as fuck. I started to lose track of who I was. I had moments where I didn't recognize those closest to me, where I saw bad things in them. I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize myself. It scared the fuck out of me. I remember having a moment where I was a total dick to someone on a hiking trail with my girlfriend and my dog. They didn't have their dog on a leash, and I was programmed to be a complete tightass about that. I feel super embarrassed even thinking back at that, though definitely not consciously at the time. The gf, no idea what she thought of it, she seemed to be on my side. But as we left that, I was so stuck in my head, so upset, so irritated, our day just ruined by this dude, why can't people just put their dog on a leash, blah blah. Time started moving different, I got disoriented, I read into it like I was "not there", like I was losing chunks of time or something. I don't know why I thought that, I have moments like that all the time, I just get lost in my thoughts, especially after some form of conflict and my mind just starts racing. But this one, I was convinced something was wrong with me. Which, admittedly, I was correct about. But it sure as fuck wasn't because I was skipping in and out of reality.

I went to the local counseling center. They had failed me a few times before, but I figured I'd give it a chance. They brought me in, got me set up with a counselor who I found out after the fact was actually a drug and alcohol addiction counselor. He was the only one they had available, I think. He was chill, but I really don't think he had a plan to deal with the caliber of shit he was facing with me. They then brought in the consulting prescriber. This woman specialized in neurology, she was a consulting psychiatrist who ended up going on to leave the counseling center and become an ER psychiatrist.

From the story that I told you all here - I shit you not - she diagnosed me with Major Depression with Psychotic Features, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, and the fun one, Complex Partial Seizure Disorder. Imagine that, a neurologist diagnosing me with epilepsy. What are the chances? The weird part, she didn't even really seem to want an EEG to like... confirm the diagnosis? She really didn't seem to need anything more than a 10 minute story and then 15 minutes after meeting this woman, she has decreed based purely on my own biased personal testimony that I am psychotic and epileptic and prescribes me meds for ALL OF THEM.

I was back on the benzos, after going through literal hell trying to detox off them. I was back on anti-depressants, which never did anything good and destroyed my sex drive. I was on some weird epilepsy medications for very long periods of time, cycled through a bunch of them and they took a fuckin toll on my body. For like a year, my entire life was just taking down physical symptoms every day, taking meds at proper times, feeling like shit on the couch and watching the dogs at home. I ended up in the hospital a few times from physical side effects, the final straw being a colonoscopy at age 32.

After that, I said enough is enough. I went and got a take-home EEG thing at a reputable hospital. Humiliating as fuck to walk around with an EEG cap on for 48 hours, just for the record. When I got the results, the neurologist laughed at me and told me to get a therapist. That started a landslide that changed my life, in a lot of painful but good ways. I started to entertain the thought - "what if these doctors are wrong?"

I started backing off some meds, but the home life was... well... incredibly unhealthy. We tried couples therapy, it was a wash. We tried breaking up for a bit and getting back together, that just shone light on worse problems. I finally had the guts to end it, late summer 2018. It hurt, losing both her and her dog who me and my dog bonded very close with, spent every day we could with. But when she left, my art and music came back to fill the void. And I finally started to heal.

I started smoking weed again as a way to face my fears (I had a huge phobia of weed for well over a decade) and to connect with my brother. I started journaling and drawing, making music, writing stories. But I was living alone, smoking weed every day and then dealing with sudden unexpected losses. Deaths of friends I hadn't seen in a long time, people I grew up with, and in violent ways too. It sent me into a freakout the likes of which I had never seen. And since I had no idea what a weed freakout was, because I don't have friends to like... talk to about this kind of stuff... I, of course, genius me, go and talk to the counseling center about it. They tell me to - again, I shit you not - check into a state-run mental health facility for a 3 week general-purpose rehabilitation program. She recommended staying on-campus for the duration. I went back into "yes, doctor" mode and I... I did it. I went. I sent my best friend in the world, my dog (rest in peace baby girl, she just passed in June, I miss her so much) to live with my Mom for the whole time and I go and check myself into a place that was like basically Prison Lite. I don't want to talk about it.

I got out early, 2.5 weeks, ready to get started again. Honestly, I learned some REALLY important shit there. Stuff about family, about relationships, about setting boundaries, about getting to know yourself and your thoughts, to study and understand how they work and why you think and believe the things you do. A lot of valuable stuff. I don't know if I needed to check into that place to do it, I would never check in there again, but I'm glad for the growth.

With no follow-up plan from the Retreat, nothing on the table, I went back to the drug counselor dude. We tried for a bit. He was into Buddhism, which kinda worked with me somewhat, but I was still trying to find my place and he didn't understand where I was coming from. He was nice, but I needed something different. I met with a new prescriber, and I started tapering off the meds. Alone.

When the taper was going too fast and I was really not feeling well, I went back in to meet with the prescriber who immediately told me "no, I didn't give you that plan, that's way too fast." I literally had hand-written plans she handed me. So I said fuck it, googled taper plans and went off to do it myself. I still haven't been back to the counseling center. Fuck them.

The taper did not go well. I was in extreme isolation for several months, not seeing human faces for days, sometimes over a week at a time. All while tapering off of 6-8mg of Xanax daily, Lamictal and Mirtazipine. With no supervision. And I couldn't even get friends to visit just to hang out. It was fucked.

Once I started getting really freaked out by how scary and depressing all this was and had a few cabin-fever paranoid moments, I said fuck it again and checked into a different facility with the express purpose of having emotional/medical support on call while getting off these meds, because more than one of them could be life-threatening if it doesn't go well. This turned into a 6-month detox, one med at a time. It was grueling living in that environment, but at least I got to bring my pets with me.

Again, I got to learn a ton about myself. And make some really good friends with people who professionally cannot be friends with me because they were staff and I was a resident. So, again, I went back home - med free for the first time in like... 5-6 years? 2 months later, the pandemic hit.

Through the pandemic, I had been meeting with a guy who was working at the live-in place I stayed at - more of a Jungian, so we had a bit more of an understanding than most. That was very insightful for me. Conversations with trusted friends tend to be the most insightful.

That's most of my mental health system story to date. I wanted to sorta recap my journey to show what experience I have, and then show what insights have helped me make progress in my journey of self-discovery, recovery and growth. So you can see where I came from, and why these shifts made a difference.

I learned that I am not a "normal" person. My story is not "normal" or "average", I'm pretty far outside the realm of "typical" and that involves a lot of give and take. In fact, the majority of my life has actually not even been "healthy". Time journaling, being alone and speaking with honest vulnerability in therapeutic environments helped me get to know my own story and character much better.

The things that I have happened to me are not my fault. And it's okay for me to talk about them.

I learned that "my anxiety" and "my depression" are not magical spirits that possess my body and make me do things, they are parts of me. They are not "diseases", they are reactions. This one is a big one, that people like to push back on. Alright, then answer this. If your anxiety isn't you, then who is it? Once you accept that the voice that's stopping you from going to that job interview that will change your life is really... part of you... if you look at it with a little more creativity than just hopeless resignation... then you start to see that there is plenty of room there for internal conversation. Your right now voice and perspective and have a little chat with the anxious voice that seems to be so separate that it's often thought to be an external entity, like a parasite or a virus or something. Something to be treated with chemicals, like a bug infestation or some shit. Ugh. Nononono, this voice is simply one of your internal advisors. A branch of you that warns of dangers, that tries to protect you, keep you safe from harm and shame. Once I started opening up diplomatic talks with my depression, anxiety, panic, all of those often intrusive aspects of myself - I started learning the reasons for all the dysfunction in my life. I started telling myself exactly why I was upset, what was holding me back, it was all there. And now I just chip away at it, day by day, little by little, step by step.

I still have a lot of damage, a lot of hang-ups, a lot of phobias, trust issues, rampant thoughts and environmental programming left to unravel. The journey never ends really, I don't think. I learn new shit constantly. I'm far from perfect, and perfection sure as shit ain't the goal. But the progress I've made in the past several years of just spending a fuck ton of time talking to all the different parts of myself and exploring the "whys" in my own personal story, the origins, the logic; the progress is stunning, even to me. I think back to that cranky sick kid detoxing off of meds walking his dog with his emotionally shattered girlfriend and being a jerk to the stranger in the woods and I just... I really just don't miss him. I don't miss being him. But I remind myself... I had to be him, to learn to be me. And for that, I love him.

Now, I try to approach things with warmth, love, compassion and sympathy instead of... well, control and fear, I guess. I still have a lot of fear. The ones that are regularly coming true are very hard to get rid of. They can be very convincing.

So yeah, I guess take from that whatever you will, for what it's worth. I just see a lot of familiar posts, written by people in a mindset I used to live in, and sometimes slip back into in bits. "My anxiety is making me do this." "Why can't I just be angry?" Stuff like that. And my natural reaction I've trained is to go - "Hey anxiety, thanks for the memo, you wanna elaborate on that? Let's find a solution" (rather than letting it do whatever it wants.) "Why do I want to be angry? Do I want to be angry, or do I want to be... Heard? Understood?"

I don't know, just wanted to pass it on. It was all crafted internally so I have no idea if any of this is helpful to others, but it sure as hell is helpful to me. The more I sit down and chat with these parts of myself, the more I learn who I am, and it's a wonderfully hard-to-describe feeling to truly get along with yourself. For the most part... I think it's a big step in the transition between surviving a life that's happening to you, and growing into a life that you're participating in.

I swear, one of these times I'm gonna get to sleep before dawn.

#journal #diary #stream of thoughts #spilled thoughts #mental health #self improvement #psychiatry #psychology #misdiagnosis

[overthegardenhall]

Every time I go through a bad ocd episode I have the same thought. “At least I’ll grow out of this soon” and then I quickly remember that I will have to deal with this horrible fucking brain disease for the rest of my life. I’ve only had it for four years, and I genuinely cannot fathom how I am supposed to survive four more let alone the rest of my life. I have cut out and avoided sk many things in my life cause I thought it would help or make things less scary but instead I am left alone and miserable and trapped in a bubble more afraid of everything than I was at the beginning. And there’s a good chance that meds won’t work or even they would make it worse and I cannot deal with it getting any worse than it is. And I know it’s just cause I’m in a really bad episode rn the worst it’s been since it first started in 2020 but the dread I feel thinking about it all is so much. When I look in the mirror I don’t even recognize myself. I am looking for who I was in 2020 before this happened and I have dealt with so much stress and fear and anger in the last 4 years that I am so far removed from that. It’s like I’m seeing a stranger and I’m watching from an outside view rather than doing it myself. I feel like I have no control in my life and that my decisions are all being ruled by this disorder and I can only sit back and watch the wreck it’s making of my life. Every damn day I mourn for the me I was before this happened. I think about the weekend before and how clearly I remember everything. It was the last weekend of my life where I felt genuinely stable and happy. And then I remember the moment it happened the switch in my brain flipped and I lost all control. I don’t want to deal with this the rest of my life I’m so tired of it. I know I’m just having a breakdown and in like a week I’ll be better but I needed to vent OCD fucking sucks and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone at all

God I hope they find a cure

[dearhannahwithlove]

i'm realising more and more how non-linear this is going to be. some days i think i have got my head around it, even though of course i haven't. i think i know you're not coming back, and then it's been two weeks at my new job, and i go to text you about it. i watch the five or so videos we took together, on repeat. i have never been so glad that i take so many photos and videos. i plan a trip to see your family. i miss you. i miss you. i always miss you.

i feel like i didn't give enough, in those last few months. i wish i answered more of your calls and texts, and i wish i didn't get frustrated about how much you'd text, because i'd give anything to have you text me, now. everyone tells me i can't blame myself. that you wouldn't want that. that you knew i loved you. and i know you wouldn't want me to live a life where i beat myself up, but i would just give anything to be able to answer one of your calls. i love how relentless you were with getting in touch. i love how you told me what you felt like for dinner. and how you told me you loved me all of the time. and that i didn't need to worry. we were always worrying about each other. i feel like i worried so much that i stopped believing anything could happen to you, like somehow all of that worry about you surviving, me surviving, was what kept us alive. i do not know how you would have managed, if it had been me. but sometimes i wish it was. sometimes it feels like someone tossed a coin between us. i wish you got the chance to keep living.

i had a lucid dream last week. i swam in a lake, and then the sky, and then i realised i could do anything, so i called to you. i landed in a meadow and we lay there together. i didn't ask you anything, just looked at you, just stroked your hair behind your ear. i didn't want to wake up from it.

when you died, and we drove back from your funeral, i was looking at the sky, i thought about taking a photo of it, but didn't. it was deep blue, the sun bright and creeping in and out from behind clouds. all i could think about was how you are never going to see a sky again. i started to cry, and everything felt like a kind of dream, and t pulled over and hugged me and i couldn't breathe. that happened a lot, those first few weeks. i couldn't breathe. everything felt like a dream.

it feels like that lately, too. i don't know if it is coming off the meds, or if it's that i was avoiding feeling it for so long that it chased me. finally caught up. is kicking at my heels. i don't know if it is just that it isn't linear, and that sometimes it is going to feel bad like this, and it is just one of those sometimes, lately.

i never wanted back in that ward, until this year. i never wanted to think about it and now, sometimes, i catch myself building the small shards of memory i have left of it, to make it a place again. i paint the long tables, hollowed couches, basketball court. i paint the nurses office where they told me i was disgusting. i paint the place i sat to take phone calls. the mirror where you stuck the note that i was beautiful. what do i do with all of it? what do i do without you?

i have to go to work, soon. the morning starts with this, and then i will go and sit behind a desk and say hello to people as if my life did not change forever, this year. life goes on. even when you wish it didn't.

i miss you. i love you. always will, beautiful.

[flowered-mp3]

i feel like some people don't understand how much acne can affect people's mental health

#the time when i had horrible hormonal acne around a year and a half ago was when i was literally? the most depressed i've ever been #the thing is... it didn't bother me that much until other people would make comments and would literally physically wince at my acne #i would video call people from back home (literally 1000 miles away) and they would make comments about my acne #there would be people in my family that ask about my acne when i haven't spoken to them in months #the worst thing was the unsolicited advice. #telling me to not eat dairy or cut out sugar (from actual doctors i am not lying) #it got to the point where i told them to recommend me to a dermatologist. like. forced them lmao #telling me to wash my face or giving me product recommendations like dude shut up i get it my face sucks right now!!! god!!!! #like i love my mom so much but she brought me to a traditional Chinese medicine doctor and he LITERALLY winced at my acne and blamed it on #the fact that i was drinking cold water too often like what the fuCK #just awful. #it was to the point where my aunt was like (bless her) 'just go see a dermatologist' #but even then. starting on my meds... i would avoid looking in the mirror #i mean now i'm fine because my face is clear nearly a year and a half on meds but geez. that shit fucking sucked so bad #just like. yeah anyone who's suffering from any severity of acne ever.... you have my sympathies because you truly do not understand unless #you've been through it yourself #sorry i'm just tired of seeing people get reamed on the internet for their skin. most of the time it isn't their fault #it's just their skin chemistry and sometimes people are just born that way :(((( #e.txt

[thedustmylove]

.

#rambling in the tags #tw: ed #i was never formallu diagnosed with an ed but for a while in high school i would eat and force myself to throw up until my eyes were blurry #i would do that at first only when my stomach felt heavy then i did jt after every meal even if it was the only meal i had that day #for a while a was eating maybe once a day and i felt a mixture of pride and shame i was 110 lbs at my lowest #i was obsessed with seeing my colar bones starting poke out i loved it seeing the number drop made me happy #i also felt guilty bc i knew it wasn’t healthy what i was doing and forcing myself to vomit made me feel distugest abt myself #honestly even at a jean size four i hated myself so much still i hated my body and still saw myself 30 lbs heavier #tbh i can’t remember how i broke the cycle well just the purging i would binge eat and feel out of control and hate myself for days after #i avoided the scale and the mirror i knew i started gaining the weight back #my mindset was still not good tbh it still isnt the best sometimes i still make myself vomit or try and monitor my food #i was never really a calorie counter tho if i really hated myself thay day i would look at th*nspo and hate myself even more #i could have been that thin if i didn’t fuck myself over and stop purging sometimes i wish i could go back and tell my younger self #to keep loosing weight get to 100 then 90 and if you die at least you’re thin bc i didn’t care if i died #i lost ten pounds this month bc my med has fucked with my appetite and i don’t hate it #i’m reminded of the joy i felt when the number on the scale went down and i’m noticing how my cloths are looser #at least this time i see myself actually loosing the weight and my brain isn’t dicking my over #unfortunately my body’s starting to adjust and my appetite’s back #i want to ignore it though and fall back into old habits and watch the scale go down #i’m so close to hitting the 20s if i keep it up maybe i’ll get back to 110 #i know its not healthy but i’m so tempted to do it #i miss my colar bones #at the very least i don’t want to gain the weight back #i know there is a healthy way to do this but old self destructive habits die hard #i’m seeing my psychartrist tuesday i’ll be fine tbh i didn’t think it would trigger this #part of me wants to see if i can get down to 100 lbs i’m leaving for college and will be on my own #no one will know god its so tempting but i know i shouldn’t bc i’ll never actually be happy with myself #i know i need to keep my mental state healthy and shit #tbh i’m embarrassed to bring this up to my pyschartrist i’m relucant to say i have/had and ed bc like not severly underweight #i also knew what i was doing and made my choice i guess i could say at risk for an ed but at this juncture i don’t even look thin enough

[levisgirll]

Hi, I'm really enjoying your Levi writings, especially post ch 139. My1st req, I've been thinking about post war Levi, mainly healed from any injuries but sometimes his old wounds flare up. Back, legs, ect. Would like a modern AU hc of a night where it's bad, what's he do? Bath, heating pad, meds, ect? (Would he hate meds?) Would he ask for help? What if his s/o were there, or particularly his unspoken attraction? Say he's stuck in position from pain and they sit/lay behind him so he can rest.

𝐀𝐎𝐓 𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐮𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧 - 𝐋𝐞𝐯𝐢 𝐀𝐜𝐤𝐞𝐫𝐦𝐚𝐧 (𝟑)

𝙃𝙚𝙮 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙚 𝙖𝙣𝙤𝙣 ♡♡

note: A lot of really cute fluff that I’m sure will warm your heart- don’t miss this out!

Thanks for the questions!

I am so glad that you are enjoying them 🥺 it means a lot to me ♡♡ (I combined this both as a discussion and adding some headcanon ideas as you did mention them both<3 but if you want a fanfic then let me know!)

This is a very interesting topic and I always wanted to share my thoughts and ideas about this! Post war Levi would finally for once in his life feel relaxed, ease up and he won’t have to be worried or overthink anymore for 24/7 (about titans, and especially his s/o living another day or not). His life becomes even much better when he lives with his s/o, and it feels just too good for him how they would still be there, alive and by his side all day long and he would usually think he’s stuck in a dream because living with s/o had always been one of his goals and wish. 

Levi just loves how his s/o would always wake up every morning to go get him tea and while they are at it, they would go get warm towels to apply and put it on his shoulders as usually when he wakes up it would be stiff, and his s/o knows him too well that they got that prepared for him. Levi would actually love it when Y/N gives him warm towels or applies for him the heating pads for his back, places he couldn’t reach, and this would help improve his damaged muscles and his back stiffness. He adores you too much and while you are doing it, Levi would would just sit on the edge of the bed, shirtless, just staring at you and when you glance at him, Levi always has a look of admiration in his eyes when he looks at you, his facial expression says it all and after you are done he would lean in to kiss you softly and then whisper “Thank you, my love.” so faintly and you would only be able to hear that if the room was pitch quiet, and if you missed hearing it, Levi would not repeat it as this man is quite shy sometimes. Speaking about that, post war Levi would start to stutter, blush and be shy way more when he tries to be more romantic with you <3

Although, when he thinks about doing some romantic stuff with you when you both are alone, he would hesitate and might end up not doing them. That’s because, I find Levi the type who would maybe struggle with his new looks (the scares on his face) and becomes a bit insecure. As he is quite emotional, this side of him would show a lot and whenever he looks at the mirror and sees that long scar on his face, his eye being damaged, he would think and wonder “Do they still even love me while I look like this? Half of my face is injured.” He would then realize that he would have a lot of scars on his upper abdomen, chest and shoulder and Levi would stop going shirtless during nights when you both sleep. Y/N starts to pick up on that and when they mention about it, Levi would just brush it off and say he would be cold later the evening (which is a lie, the man is burning up everytime he touches your body or looks at you, especially when you are both sleeping on the same bed where he holds you so closely)

When Y/N offers they want to help him with treating his wounds, I don’t find Levi the type who would reject their offer, in fact he would feel grateful how they are willing to help him and it makes him feel a bit loved to be honest, he would be very calm about it and pass you the bandages silently with a slight nod, indicating that he is fine with you treating him. And you are the ONLY one that Levi allows you to treat him. However, I think this would only go on a bit in the beginning, later on he would hesitate and try to treat his scars and wounds himself whenever you are not in the bedroom. That’s not because he does not want you to treat him, but because I think Levi would start to feel maybe a bit insecure with the scars he has on his body and feels like he would have to hide them. He wants to recover and his wounds/scars to heal FAST so that he can start to feel comfortable and show you even more love, he would start to overthink too and probably think that you mighttt find him ugly! He never wants to ask you that because he is scared to find out the truth.

There was a night though, where his old wounds would flare/open up, and he would feel extreme pain that night. He would slowly get off the bed and let you go (as he was hugging your waist while you were sleeping) and try to go to the bathroom to get some painkillers to ease the pain. The pain would come from his back muscles, and then he would groan and wince from the pain as he struggles to get the muscle deep pain reliving cream. Y/N would then notice the other side of the bed being empty and cold (as Levi is not warming them up anymore with his hug) and wake up, they then notice he is in the bathroom and head there. “Levi? Dear, are you okay?” They would say as they approach Levi. “I’m sorry, did I wake you?” Levi turned quickly, and holding his s/o’s hands, showing them that he is alright. Levi would probably try to hide his pain later on, because he does not want to show you his ‘weak side’ as he would think and not be a burden to you. You are quick to read the atmosphere and knew something was up, “I asked you a question first, are you okay?”. Y/N would sound like an angel to Levi, his eyes would soften and wonder how did he actually end up with an amazing person by his side who actually loves him and cares about him. He would then give in, not hiding it anymore and letting them know that his wound from his back muscle started to flare up.

Y/N would take Levi to their bed, let him rest and lay on his chest while they would gently caress his back with the pain relief cream and massage him. Oh, how amazing he felt that night, he felt even more in love with you and his love kept on growing. Just with your touch, and your gentle hands as they massage his back would help him so much, his pain would be easily gone, and he would close his eyes softly and finally relax as you massaged him. As you were massaging him, you started to admire how amazing his back muscles, biceps and triceps were and that his scars made him look even more attractive and it was a sign showing how strong and amazing ‘Y/N’s man’ was. “Wow, Look at my man. You are so handsome.” Y/N would say in a amazed tone and smile at him while his face would go super red, “R-Really...If I am like that to you in your eyes....That only matters to me.” With your help and words to Levi that night, his insecurities slowly drifted away and he started to appreciate his scars now, and also see it as a reminder and a sign/indication that he served his duty for all his fallen comrades and he would not have to have any more regrets as Y/N would say, and that helped him so so much. He really cherishes and admired you, you have no idea <3  Levi would also give you that unspoken attraction, asking for another back massage session, would do it for you too for your shoulder after you massaged him behind you as you are making tea for him and then he would hug your waist from behind, putting his face in your shoulder and breathing in your beautiful scent and start giving you a trail of kisses on your shoulders and up to your neck, the room would then be filled with giggles from Y/N and that warms Levi’s heart <3

Levi would probably hate to take some medicines if they tasted bad and he would try to avoid it, but Y/N would definitely help him out and try to help him take it with his food which he found was a good idea and it slowly helped him take the meds, he would only do this if you were with him and then you noticed how Levi would actually act like a teenage kid sometimes. “Y/N, I told you, I only take them if you are with me, and if its your food that I am eating.” Levi would say as you sighed, after asking him when getting back from the store if he took his meds or not. He loved your food so much and he would be the type not to eat food from outside if it wasn’t yours. He thinks everything you do or make is amazing and he loves it if you did anything just for him, his love for you was strong and whenever he thanks you, he would give you a smile that would warm your heart. “Tell me, is there something else you want?” You would say with a big smile, and Levi would come and approach you, then say while he brings his hands to caress your cheeks gently, “Yea...I want you.” You both spend a long afternoon with cuddles and kisses and Levi was not planning to let you go, post war Levi would be a clingy man to Y/N! Y/N would then give him ‘marks’ instead on his neck if they had a heated makeout session and they would say “I’ll give you a mark instead.” Oh how now he really admires that so much and would always crave for that now <3 you made him feel amazing and he made you feel special. It was a mutual love, putting effort into the relationship and Levi loved that as he is the type who would usually depend on emotional attraction instead.

I find Levi the type of guy who might feel guilty/ashamed or feel a bit bad whenever he asks for help from Y/N, he wants to be the man to be there for you and helping you 24/7 instead. For example, when he is finding it a bit difficult to get up from his chair as his wounds and pain start to flare up, and he would struggle to ask for your help and even hesitate to call you out. But as soon as he gives Y/N that look, the unspoken attraction that they have for each other lets them know that he is needing some help. This is when both of them realized, they actually have a special and unique relationship bond, understanding one another so well without even saying it makes Levi feel so lucky and special instead of feeling bad and even though he hates it when this happens, he feels so loved after that and he would then talk so highly of Y/N and his relationship to the others.

Y/N would sometimes get the bath ready and done for Levi and this man would appreciate it so much whenever you do that, he would get lowkey happy and would ask you to join him <3 and after the bath, you would let him rest on your lap and softly caress his hair while he relaxes there and rests. He loves moments like these so much and then he would look up to you, with his eyes filled with love and lust whenever he is looking at your face, your eyes as they sparkle and with the reflection he can clearly see your beautiful shade eye color, and he would reach out to gently pull you closer to his face and give you a passionate kiss.

Finally, definitely post war Levi and Y/N would have unspoken attraction. I feel like this would be more common with Levi, that it is clear he has a strong attraction towards them and he really adores his Y/N a lot but won’t probably say it aloud. It is clear with his actions and when he is close to Y/N, he would hold their hand gently and caress his thumb on Y/N’s hand, indicating that he wants them to stay a bit longer, holding their hand, just to feel their presence. His signs of upspoken mutual attraction would be so strong, he would definitely tease Y/N and enjoy that, smile more when around them and especially when they are treating his wounds. Both would anticipate each other’s needs and wants and Levi and Y/N would feel the chemistry between each other more while Y/N is treating them, Levi would engage in a lot of mutual eye contact. He would do this to indicate that he wants to feel more closer to you (after Y/N would touch his chest and arms) while treating him, and he would go near your lips just to steal a small kiss from you and that would leave you a blushing mess <3 Post war Levi would be a clingy man, and he would open up with you more, finding it easier to talk with you about his wounds/scars as you apply some heating pads on him, and then after everytime you help him out, Levi would always look for excuses to want to help you instead, to make up for it.

I hope this answered your question and this is what I would guess! Anyways, I really loved answering this as this warmed my heart. Levi really deserves this after everything he went through and I lowkey think he would really crave for that! He would hug you everytime and thank you for always being there for him and it would be sincere and wholehearted. Please feel free to send another question or anyone out there who has one! I hope you and everyone else has a good day and let me know if you liked this by leaving a message anywhere, like or a reblog 🥺 ♡ ♡

#Levi ackerman #levi headcanons #levi ackerman x you #levi x reader #levi #levi ackerman headcanon #levi ackerman x reader #levi ackerman fluff #levi ackerman headcanons #levi ackerman x y/n #ackerman x reader #snk x reader #aot #aot fanfiction #aot fluff #snk fluff #snk fanfiction #levi snk #levi aot #aot levi #snk levi #aot x reader #aot x y/n #snk x y/n #ackerman fanfiction #levi fanfiction #levi ackerman fanfiction #reader fanfiction #attack on titan fan fiction #attack on tian fanfiction

[theladyofdeath]

Tempting the Fates {Chapter 4}

Summary: It’s the final semester of Aelin Galathynius’ collegiate career and she is so beyond ready to be done. Her schedule is packed full of nursing classes and labs designed to test her knowledge and hone her skills for the real world and her “big girl” job. However, she needs one last elective to graduate, so she decides to study a subject she’s always been fascinated by: Mythology. Who would have thought that a class about gods and goddesses living complicated lives would end up complicating her own in such an unexpected way?

Word Count: 2550

Chapters will be posted every Wednesday.

Tempting the Fates Masterlist

Shelby’s Masterlist

Tara’s Masterlist

Apollo

– God of light, prophecy, inspiration, poetry, the sun, music and arts, medicine and healing

Aelin tried to convince herself that she got up and got ready two hours early for class because of her busy schedule. She kept telling herself it was for the meeting she had with her advisor, about a possible internship at the end of the semester.

She knew that both reasons, while extremely important, were full of shit. She knew she’d showered, blow dried and curled her hair for Rowan. It wasn’t that she was trying to impress him. She’d already done that and the chance she had to be with him had come and gone.

No, now it was about proving to him that even though this class may be a gen ed, she was taking it seriously.

Dropping the class had crossed her mind. She really didn’t need to take it, she could still find a different one to pick up. But she didn’t want to think about the sort of impression it would leave about her.

If there was anything to know about Aelin Galathynius, it was that she was not a quitter, nor did she run from her problems.

Or heartaches.

With one last look in the mirror, and a whistle from Lysandra, Aelin was out the door and hurrying across campus. She grabbed a coffee on the way, but avoided her usual place, knowing full well that Rowan enjoyed the same famous cafe that she did.

He wasn’t there yet when she got to the hall, but she took the same seat she had the class before.

She wondered if Rowan would be looking for her this time.

She quickly shook the thought away.

With her hot coffee on the corner of her fold up desk, she was pulling out her notebook and a pen, waiting anxiously for class to begin.

For him to walk through the door.

Apparently he liked to be right on the dot, though, because students continued to wander in, but he did not.

She was tapping her pen against her notebook, doing her best not to stare at the clock. She was just anxious for her day to start. It wasn’t that she wanted to see Rowan.

Professor Whitethorn, she amended in her head. She had to quit thinking of him as Rowan. She couldn’t think of him like that anymore, his body pressing into hers, lips on her neck, as he—

Shaking her head, Aelin sighed and suddenly realized that the rest of the class had hushed. She was so focused on reprimanding herself for her highly inappropriate thoughts that she hadn’t noticed him come through the door and begin setting up for class. When she dared to glance towards the front, she found his eyes on her. He quickly looked away, going back to his laptop and setting up the PowerPoint on screen.

Maybe he hadn’t been looking at her.

Maybe it had all been in her mind.

But she didn’t think it had been.

He had been watching her.

“Happy Thursday, class,” he began, as the title page of his presentation flashed onto the board. “Glad to see you all showed up again. Must mean my first class didn’t suck.” Quiet laughter thrummed through the room. Aelin couldn’t muster a laugh, though. “On Tuesday, we covered the basics. So, today… Sorry, we’re doing that again.”

More laughter, especially from the pretty, flirty girls up front.

Aelin couldn’t help but roll her eyes.

Which, when she settled her eyes back on Rowan, he definitely saw.

Come on, get your shit together, she chastised herself. With her back straightened, she gave him her full attention.

She took dutiful notes, but his slides didn’t hold much in the way of information. They were mostly headers, with a few bullet points. Most of the important information, information she knew would be critical for homework or exams, came straight from Rowan’s mouth.

It was clear that he loved mythology, that it wasn’t just a class his aunt had tossed his way and told him to figure it out. He was a trove of knowledge and she noticed he had a habit of going on slight tangents when he got going on a topic he was clearly interested in.

After a student asked him to clarify what he meant about Hercules not being Zeus’ only son, he ended up talking for nearly twenty minutes about what the beloved Disney movie had gotten wrong. Aelin had stopped taking notes and was watching him go on and on about how Hades, while god of the underworld, was not necessarily a villain. He just had a job to do. A job that had rules that must be followed, or the consequences could damn not only him, but others involved. His eyes found hers again and the amused smile on her face fell as she made the correlation between their own situation and the story.

They held each other’s gazes for far longer than was appropriate, and Rowan cleared his throat, going back to the PowerPoint, and the  predetermined lesson plans he’d made, which didn’t include children’s movie breakdowns.

She watched him.

She listened.

And she found it all fascinating. 

Rowan peeked at the clock after going on and on, and stilled, rubbing the back of his neck. “Well, I guess I’ll end there. There is an assignment due by tomorrow evening. You can find and submit it online. It’s an opinion piece. I want a little insight as to why you were so interested to take this class, or what you’ve found fascinating so far.” He sat on his desk, his legs hanging over the side, his feet nearly touching the ground as he leaned back on his palms. Aelin found it charming. “You’re going to write a short essay telling me of your favorite deity. It could be one I’ve talked about so far, or one I haven’t. It’s your choice. But, tell me why they are your favorite. Give me a little depth. And, remember, this is a college course. Grammar counts.”

The clock struck nine-thirty and everyone began packing up. Aelin had been so captivated by his voice that she had to snap herself back to reality.

She quickly packed up her bag, alongside the other students around her. She noticed then how young they all were, and she was willing to bet that she may be the only senior on the roster. As she was descending the stairs, she found Rowan’s eyes on her again, but he looked away as his attention was taken, thanks to the group of girls who’d been sitting in the front row. She heard vague questions of whether they could all write about Aphrodite, since they all related to her.

The scoff Aelin thought she’d kept to herself had apparently been out loud, since not only Rowan looked at her as she passed, but so did the three girls. With his attention on her again, she decided to give him a little wave.

“See you later, Professor Whitethorn.”

If there was some extra sway to her hips, it wasn’t on purpose.

At least that’s what she told herself.

Two and a half hours later, Aelin was starving. She’d just gotten out of an extremely complicated lab and she could barely focus over the growling of her stomach. Twice, the instructor had looked over at her, half expecting to find a dog stashed under the table she was working at.

So when the class let out, she was hurrying toward the cafeteria ready to get a salad from the salad bar and a big ass slice of pizza.

It was all about balance. 

As she was waiting in line to fill her plate with salad, she heard a voice behind her.

“Are you actually getting lettuce or just filling your plate with ham, cheese, and croutons?” 

Aelin looked over her shoulder to find Chaol, her ex, suppressing a smile.

Aelin chuckled. “If it’s the same price, you may as well pile up on the good stuff.” 

Chaol gave her a small smile. “Fair enough. It’s good to see you, Aelin. You look good.”

Things hadn’t ended the best between her and Chaol, but that had been just after freshman year. At least now when they ran into one another, they could have nice little conversations like this one.

No hard feelings.

“You too,” she said, and he did. He’d been in an accident the year before. They weren’t sure he was going to walk again. In all honesty, it was just good to see him on his feet.

“How long until your class?” He asked, sliding his tray along behind hers.

She glanced down at her watch. “About forty five minutes. You?”

“This is my long break,” he sighed. “I’ve got an hour and a half, but didn’t feel like leaving campus. Want to have lunch with me?”

“Sure.” Her smile wasn’t forced, it was easy and she was glad they could even do this, when three years again, they could barely be in the same room.

“I assume you’re getting a piece of pizza after this,” Chaol said with a smirk, nodding towards her plate. “So I’ll grab us a table while you get the rest of your lunch.”

She scoffed but nodded, and went off to get a slice of pizza. When she ordered her pizza, she also got a slice of cheesecake. It was his favorite, something she hadn’t forgotten, but it didn’t hurt that she liked it, too.

Finding him in the cafeteria, she sat down at the table across from him. “How’s Yrene doing?”

He blushed, and Aelin had to admit it was adorable. After his accident, he’d fallen for his physical therapist, and she was just as smitten with him. It must have been all the one-on-one sessions, because Chaol had never been one to let someone in. Aelin had met Yrene early in her med classes, but Yrene had specialized in PT and graduated in less than three years, taking as many classes as she could manage and even studying through the summers as well.

“It’s going good,” he said, at last. “We, uh, just moved in together, actually.”

Aelin lifted a brow. “That was fast.”

Chaol shot her a look.

Aelin laughed. “I didn’t mean it like that. I meant, good for you. I like Yrene. A lot. You two are good together.”

Chaol cleared his throat before taking a bite of his salad. “Thanks.” 

Aelin chuckled, taking a bite of her pizza.

Chaol blinked. “What?”

“You get so uncomfortable when it comes to feelings,” she said. “Always have.”

His eyes narrowed at her. “That’s not true.”

Aelin stopped mid-chew and raised a brow.

Even Chaol couldn’t help but chuckle at the expression. “Yeah, yeah. Whatever. What about you? Seeing anyone?”

Aelin hesitated, then said, “No.”

A slow grin appeared on Chaol’s mouth. “Didn’t sound so sure about what one.”

Aelin shrugged. “Better be nice or I’m not sharing this magnificent cheesecake with you.”

Holding up his hands in placation, Chaol went back to his salad. Rowan was a dangerous topic, one she wouldn’t share with anyone but Lysandra, so she summed it up quickly. “Met someone I thought I hit it off with. Turns out we didn’t work.”

He slowly nodded. Aelin knew he’d had a couple failed relationships between her and Yrene. “I get it, I’m sorry. Still sucks.”

Shrugging again, she turned to her salad. “It happens. Not a big deal. So if you’re living with Yrene, does that mean you and Dorian broke up? Or is he playing house with you, too?”

Chaol leveled her with a look. Chaol and Dorian had been best friends long before they came to the University of Orynth. They were both from Adarlan, both trying to get away from overbearing fathers, and decided college across the country was the way to do it. They’d been roommates every year and Aelin couldn’t even imagine Chaol living with anyone except Dorian. But now he was. “He moved into an apartment with Manon this semester when I moved in with Yrene.”

Aelin blinked. “Blackbeak? He moved in with Manon Blackbeak?”

Nodding, Chaol went on. “Apparently, they’ve been dating for about a year, without anyone noticing.”

Something in the way he said it told Aelin that he had noticed, but when Dorian had his mind set on something, there was no stopping him. And apparently, he’d decided to date one of the most terrifying women on campus.

Aelin’s response was eloquent. “Wow.”

Chaol grinned. “I like it when you’re caught off guard. It’s satisfying.”

With a scoffed she nudged his leg with the toe of her sneaker. “Well, I don’t. Dorian will be getting a very angry phone call this afternoon.”

“I’ll be sure to give him a warning,” Chaol promised.

Aelin chuckled, taking the last bite of her pizza. “It’s good to see you all happy, though. Really.”

Chaol’s eyes softened. “Thanks, Aelin.”

She nodded. “Even if I am terrified that Dorian will get eaten alive.”

Chaol laughed, and she had forgotten how nice Chaol’s rare, hearty laugh was.

She meant it. She was so happy for them, both of them. It was interesting how things changed over the course of a few short years.

Their conversation continued, as did the laughs, and before she knew it, Aelin glanced down at her watch. She had less than fifteen minutes to haul ass back to the nursing building for her next class. Chaol, who had much longer to sit with nothing to do, assured her that he could handle her trash and told her to get to class. With a hug, and a promise that they’d have dinner soon, all of them, even Manon, Aelin was hurrying out of the cafeteria building.

Somehow, the entire time she’d been having lunch with Chaol, she hadn’t noticed the set of pine green eyes watching her.

Rowan’s own break had been at the same time as hers, but the gen ed building was much closer than wherever she was having to run off to, so he had longer to sit and— there was no denying it— brood. They were halfway across the room, so he couldn’t hear any of their conversation. He had no clue who the tall man was she smiled at so often, but clearly they were very familiar with each other with how easily they talked. And he made her laugh. A lot.

Rowan wasn’t sure why that was what grated on his nerves the most, but it unsettled him.

Seeing Aelin with someone else, someone clearly her own age, it all unsettled him. He didn’t like it. Almost as much as her parting words in class had.

See you later, Professor Whitethorn.

It’s like she was mocking him, yet at the same time, she clearly wasn’t. She was doing exactly as he’d asked of her, seeing him as her professor, not as her boyfriend.

No, he reprimanded himself. Not boyfriend. Hookup.

They’d had sex one time, that didn’t give either of them any claim over the other. It was a hookup and nothing more. And she was his gods-damned student.

She was off limits, in every way possible.

Yet he couldn’t figure out why seeing her with someone else, someone she should clearly be interested in instead of him, had him seeing red.

#rowaelin #rowan #aelin #fanfic #fanfiction #tog #throne of glass #modern au #professor au #college au #sjm #snacmc collab #snelbx x tacmc collab

[the-iceni-bitch]

Fix You

Pairing: angsty!soft!Bucky Barnes x fem!Reader

Words: 4173

Summary: Bucky has been working hard at getting over the trauma that came from being the Winter Soldier, and you do your best to help him through it. But a particularly painful memory almost breaks him.

Warnings: ANGST (I’m so sorry y’all), explicit language, explicit sexual content (oral sex (F receiving), fingering, unprotected vaginal sex), soft!broken!Bucky, fluffy ending, TW: this fic contains implications of animal cruelty in a character’s past. It is extremely vague and non-specific but I will put a warning in the text itself if you still would like to read but this particular type of thing upsets you. Please be mindful of it my soft babies!! SMUT, 18+ ONLY!!!!

A/N: This is my entry to the Happy Hoelentine’s Day gift exchange hosted by the absolutely fabulous @chrissquares​, @drabblewithfrannybarnes and @amythedvdhoarder​. My giftee was @bucky-the-thigh-slayer happy v-day sweetie! 😘

Soo, apparently, I cannot just write a sprinkling of angst, I have to write cut your heart out of your chest and watch it beat in front of your face angst. This fic made me cry while writing it so if you are a big softie, you might want to skip this one. Don’t worry, I gave everyone a nice, fluffy, soft ending to soothe the pain!

Happy Hoelentine’s y’all! Check out my masterlist and join my taglist if you want!

dividers are made by the lovely @chrissquares

not my GIF

You weren’t sure what had initially roused you from sleep. Maybe it was the fact that you were used to Bucky’s frame being draped over you, smothering you with his body heat. Whatever had woken you at first, the sound of shattering glass snapped you from your dazed state immediately.

You flew out of the bed and ran towards the bathroom. The light was leaking from underneath the door and when you wrenched it open, you swore under your breath.

Bucky was seated on the floor by the tub, his head in his hands as sobs wracked his chest. The mirror over the sink was smashed, pieces of reflective glass scattered all over the counter and across the floor.

You ignored it, not even noticing as you cut the bottoms of your feet while making your way to him. You knelt beside him and drew him to you, tucking his head under your chin as you ran your hands over his back, trying to calm him down.

“I’m here, Buck.” You murmured as you pressed your lips to his hair. His breathing was coming in ragged gasps as he leaned into you, and you could tell he was still upset. “Do you want to talk about it, honey?”

He just shook his head as another sob ripped out of him, his fingers wrapping in your sleep shirt.

You knew this was all part of the process. Bucky had been working with Bruce and his psychiatrist for 6 months now on identifying and moving past his repressed memories, but damn if it didn’t break you heart every time a new one popped up. This one must have been especially painful, he hadn’t had a breakdown like this in months.

“Sweetie, I’m gonna call Bruce, ok?” He was still a mess, even with you there, and it made you worried.

“No, don’t leave me.” He looked up at you desperately as he leaned against your shoulder, his eyes a startling blue from his tears as he pleaded with you.

“Shit, Bucky.” God, you fucking hated seeing him like this. You felt so helpless. “I can call from here. FRIDAY? Let Banner know we need him, stat.”

“Will do, Y/N.” The AI chirped back at you.

You reached your arm to the sink and turned it on, running a washcloth under the warm water before bringing it back to rest against his forehead.

“Y/N? Bucky? It’s me, Bruce.” You heard Banner call from the front door.

“Yeah, we’re in the bathroom.” You called. Your shoulder was soaked with snot and tears as Bucky continued weeping against you.

“Jesus, what happened?” Bruce hissed when he found you, picking his was through the broken glass as he knelt to examine Bucky, opening his medical case.

“I dunno Bruce, I woke up and found him like this.” You did your best to straighten Bucky up as Bruce took his pulse before pulling back to assemble his otoscope.

“Ok, Barnes, I’m gonna give you a sedative, buddy.” Bruce murmured as he dug in his case again, bringing out a vial and syringe. “I called his doctor when I heard from you and she’s on her way, but she was in Chicago for a conference, so she won’t be in until later this morning. She gave me the ok to calm him down for now.”

You just nodded as you stroked Bucky’s hair, doing your best to distract him as Bruce wound the tourniquet around his arm before plunging in the needle. He released the band before pushing down the plunger, and you felt Bucky relax against you almost immediately.

“I hate this so much, Bruce. I just want to be able to do something for him.”

“You’re doing it, Y/N. I don’t think his recovery would be going so well if he didn’t have you.” He looked down at your feet and winced. “Let’s get you cleaned up.”

“What? Oh, fuck.” Now that Bucky wasn’t occupying your attention, the slices on your feet and knees were throbbing.

“I don’t think you need any stitches, but I’m gonna use some skin glue to keep these from opening up repeatedly.” He muttered, rinsing the cuts with a betadine solution before patting them dry with some gauze.

“Thanks Bruce. Can you help me get him back to the bed?” You asked as he finished his work, throwing a towel over the broken glass and shoving it out of the way.

“Sure.” You each put one of his arms over your shoulders and hauled him to his feet, shuffling awkwardly back to the bedroom. “Dr. Laurent should be here around 10, if you could get him to the med center around then?”

“Of course Bruce, thank you so much.”

He just waved you off as he left, closing the door gently behind him. You changed into a new t-shirt and climbed back into bed, curling yourself around Bucky as you tried to fall back asleep, failing miserably.

  It had been two weeks since Bucky’s breakdown. His nightmares had gotten better, but you could tell he was still upset about things. He was barely talking to you, and he hadn’t initiated sex during that whole period. You could maybe coax some small talk out of him over meals, but you could tell he was avoiding talking to you about what he remembered. All you wanted to do was comfort him and he wasn’t letting you.

Dr. Laurent assured you that they were working through it, but that this particular memory was harder to move past. All you wanted to do was comfort him, but he wouldn’t let you close.

The two of you were sitting together in silence, you were going over some field reports with your feet resting in Bucky’s lap as he read some trash mystery novel that you would usually tease him about. Your phone rang from the coffee table and you stretched to pick it up, grinning when you saw it was your sister.

“Hey Frankie!” You said cheerily as you picked up. “What’s going on?”

Bucky smiled to himself sadly as he listened to you chat with your sister. He felt so guilty about what he was doing to you. You were amazing, and kind, but he was so worried that if he let you all the way in, you’d see what a monster he was and leave him.

“Oh my god, a puppy!?” You squealed, and Bucky felt all the blood drain from his face. “Send me all the pictures! We’ll have to come visit soon and meet him.”

Bucky stood up and walked towards the kitchen, getting himself a glass of water and drinking it down greedily.

“Hey, Frankie, can I call you back tomorrow? Great, love you!” You had picked up on Buck’s change in demeanor and followed after him. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing.” He muttered, filling his glass again and taking a sip.

You let out a deep sigh at his attempt to dodge. You knew you weren’t supposed to push him, but watching him withdraw from you like this was killing you.

“Bucky, please talk to me.” You pleaded, fighting the urge to go to him and wrap your arms around him, drawing all his pain into yourself as you held him tight.

He shook his head at you as he set his glass down on the counter, avoiding making eye contact. “I can’t.”

You took in a sharp breath at the crack in his voice and your resolve broke. You took three steps forward and pressed your body to his, wrapping your arms around his shoulders and bringin his forehead down to lean against yours.

“It’s ok, I’m not going anywhere.” You murmured, bringing up one hand to run through his hair, trying your best to soothe him as you watched tears leak from his eyes.

“Promise?”

“Fuck, of course I promise.” You murmured before pressing your lips softly to his. “Bucky, I’m not going to leave you. I love you.”

He buried his face in your neck and let out a deep sigh, inhaling your scent and letting the warm comfort of your body relax him. You kept stroking his back and hair, waiting for him to speak.

⚠️TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️

“When I first woke up,” He started after several minutes of silence, still not looking at you. “They would never let me outside. It was almost a year before I saw sunlight. They eventually let me out once they were sure the brainwashing had done its job, but only for a little while. There was…”

He choked on his words and you made soft soothing sounds against his cheek, doing your best to not hold your breath as he opened up to you, worried you were going to spook him like a baby deer.

“There was this tiny stray mutt I found on the compound one day. It was hiding in a little hole in the wall with an injured paw, scared of everything. I managed to sneak out some of my rations the next day for him, and did the same thing for the next week. He wouldn’t take the food from me directly, but I would leave it for him, and it would all be gone when I came back.

“It took a few weeks before he would take the food from my hand, and a couple more before he would let me pet him. Seeing that little guy was the best part of my day. The only break I had from the fighting and the torture. Sometimes he’d crawl into my lap and curl up, and those were the days I thought about making a run for it.” Bucky finally looked at you, giving you a sad smile as he pressed his forehead to yours again before screwing his eyes shut. “I named him Vladik.

“I don’t know why it took them so long to figure out he was there. The guards were supposed to be watching my every move. I wasn’t supposed to have anything for myself, no happiness or solace. And that was all he was. Just a harmless little friend. But the Soldat couldn’t have any friends.

“When the doctor in charge of my programming found out, he told me to bring him the dog, and he… he made me…”

⚠️END TRIGGER WARNING⚠️

He started sobbing before he could finish, and you felt tears running down your own cheeks as you held him tightly, the two of you sinking to the floor as Bucky wept in your arms. You curled yourself around him, wishing you could do something to just take all of that pain from him.

It was an hour before either of you moved. You were stiff from leaning against the counter for so long, but until Bucky started to straighten up, you didn’t even notice. He drew you up after him and you moaned as you unfolded yourself, your legs tingling as blood rushed back into them.

“I love you so much, Y/N.” He whispered against your hair with a heavy sigh, drawing you into another deep embrace. “Fuck, I’m exhausted.”

“I love you too, honey.” You murmured, pressing your lips to his forehead. “I’ll be right there.”

You left him to strip out of his clothes as you headed to the bathroom, locking the door behind you as you splashed cold water on your face, trying to keep yourself from having a meltdown.

You were so relieved he had finally opened up to you. But every fiber of your being just wanted to fix all of this, and the fact that you couldn’t was killing you. You choked back a sob as you bent over the sink, bile rising in your throat. It took you a few minutes to fully calm down, but you got your emotions under control with some deep breathing.

You splashed your face a few more times before heading back out to the bedroom. Bucky was still up, sitting on the edge of the bed as he waited for you. He gave you a small smile as you walked toward him, wrapping his arms around your middle and nuzzling his face against your stomach.  You moaned as he started to lift your shirt, pressing his lips to your skin softly as his fingers traveled to brush against your breast, squeezing it gently.

He held you tightly and turned his body until you were laying on the bed underneath him. He crawled up your torso slowly until his face was hovering above yours. His vibranium palm cupped your cheek softly as he gazed into your eyes before bending to kiss you, his mouth needy against yours as he bit at your lips before pressing his tongue to yours, drawing a whine from your throat.

Bucky ran his hand down your throat before his fingers started working to unbutton your blouse. He made quick work of it and his mouth moved to your neck as he slid it down your shoulders. You gasped and moved your hands to wind in his hair as he unclasped your bra and wrapped his lips around your nipple, sucking softly and swirling his tongue around it until it was peaked and sensitive. Your cunt clenched around nothing as he moved to your other nipple, and you wrapped your legs around his waist as he continued to move down your body.

His tongue dipped into your navel as he worked at undoing your jeans, pulling them down your legs swiftly along with your panties before diving between your legs.

He had missed this. Those soft sounds of want you made were a panacea for his wounds, soothing his heart as he moved his lips over your sex, his tongue running through your folds as he lapped up your arousal. You arched into his mouth when he pressed against your clit, your hands digging into his hair as his hands gripped your thighs, keeping you spread open for him.

He moaned against you as you wriggled beneath him, your back arching and relaxing as he brought you closer to your release. You grip on his hair was bordering on painful as you tightened it, and he relished your loss of control as you fought to close your thighs around his head and press him even closer.

“Mmm, Bucky!” You moaned as he wrapped his lips around your clit, sucking softly. He finally released your legs and you wrapped them around his neck as he pushed two metal fingers into you, making you yelp.

He scissored his fingers inside you, stretching your canal as he drew obscene squelches from deep within you. He loved the feel of your pussy clenching and fluttering around him, trying to draw his fingers even deeper inside you as he edged you towards your climax.

When he curled them against that sweet, secret spot within you, you lost it. Your heels duck into his shoulders and your back arched you off the bed violently as you clamped down on his fingers. You screamed as your release flowed into his mouth, making him moan as it covered his chin. He licked his lips as he straightened above you, savoring the taste of you on his tongue. It tasted like home.

He gazed down at you lovingly as he removed his boxers, kicking them away before bending to kiss you deeply. Bucky kept his mouth on yours as he crawled onto the bed, tucking his knees under your thighs as he pressed one palm against the small of your back, drawing you up to straddle his lap.

“I love you so fucking much.” He whispered against your lips, running his fingertips through your hair before his tongue was invading your mouth, curling against and tangling with yours as he stole all the breath from your lungs. His metal hand curved over your ass as he ground his hips into you, running his cock through your slick folds. “I need to hear you say it, please doll.”

“God, Bucky. I love you.” You panted as he positioned himself at your entrance, making you whine as he breached you with just his tip. Your fingers dug into his shoulders as he pulled you onto him and you hissed through your teeth as you stretched around his length, relishing in the sting you felt each time he entered you.

“Never leave me.” He pleaded as his hips started moving, his thrusts slow and sensuous as he stared deeply into your eyes, watching your face contort with pleasure as you lost yourself in the feeling of being filled with him.

“Never.” You murmured as he buried his face against your neck. “Fuck, baby.”

Your head rolled back as he picked up the pace just barely, his pubic bone grinding against your clit with each thrust and bringing you close to your edge. He nuzzled himself between your breasts and mouthed against your soft slopes gently as you tightened one hand around the back of his neck.

One particularly forceful drive had you falling backwards with a gasp. You managed to catch yourself on one arm and you pressed your toes against the mattress on either side of his hips, doing your best to keep your balance as your pussy clenched around him.

“Fuck, right there.” You whispered, your nails digging into his neck.

He brushed his teeth against your nipple and you almost collapsed against the bed, but Bucky wrapped his arms around you and held you tightly to him as your body spasmed uncontrollably, quivering in his grasp as your pussy fluttered and your release seeped out of you, soaking both of your thighs.

“You feel so good doll.” He murmured against your chest as he kept fucking into you, still moving in rich, deep plunges that made it hard for you to breathe. “So tight and warm. I fucking lose myself in this pussy.”

All you could do was whine as you wrapped your legs around his waist and gripped his neck tightly. You took in a sharp breath when he suddenly lifted himself off his knees and pushed even deeper into you, his cock hitting a new spot inside you that had you seeing stars. He gripped his hands tightly at the small of your back as he ground against you.

He hit you at just the right spot and you came again, wrapping your arms around his neck and burying your face in his hair as your body vibrated against his. He inhaled your scent with a moan as he fell forward, catching himself on his vibranium hand before he collapsed on top of you.

You kept your body wrapped tightly around his as he held you in that position with one arm, carrying all of your weight as his hips started moving violently, slapping against the back of your thighs as soft wet sounds came from between the two of you. It only took a few thrusts before you were cumming again, screaming against Bucky’s neck as the coil in your stomach snapped, your muscles finally giving out as you rode the wave of your pleasure, your body rolling underneath him as you released his neck and he let you sink back onto the bed, your arms falling above your head and your feet coming to rest on either side of his knees.

Bucky kept one arm hooked under the small of your back, arching your body at a beautiful angle as his hips started to stutter, his cock twitching inside of you as he neared his own end.

“Gimme one more doll.” He whispered, mesmerized by the way your tits bounced with each thrust of his hips, and the way your face had that blissful, fucked out look as you bit your lip and screwed your eyes shut.

He ground his hips in a circle with his next thrust and smiled as your body tried to curl off the bed. You sobbed as you came, crying his name as your thighs squeezed his hips and your cunt milked his cock. He collapsed on top of you as he came right behind you, his spend shooting into harshly, painting your canal in thick white ropes as his hips stilled.

You held him to you tightly, refusing to let him go as the two of you drifted off to sleep. All you wanted was to rest with him inside you, and he needed to feel you around him, to let you know that you were his home, his haven against all the pain of his past. You smiled as you felt his breath grow deep with sleep, your hand resting on his back as your own slumber took you.

  Bucky made a lot of progress over the next few weeks. Telling you had lifted a weight from his shoulders that he didn’t realize he was carrying. His sleep was still interrupted by nightmares occasionally, but every time he woke up to find you next to him was like a balm for his soul.

He was finally starting to feel truly happy, and that made you happy. Dr. Laurent had finally given the ok for him to start going on missions again, and that was great, but he really found fulfillment at home with you, and the best part of his day was when he walked through the front door to find you waiting for him.

You were excited for Valentine’s Day. It felt like the first holiday you could really enjoy as a couple as he had made so much progress. You were thankful that Steve had kept him occupied all day, giving you a chance to work on your present for him. He was out for a run in the rain right now as you put the final touches on the meal, reviewing the recipe a final time as you set the table, shrugging to yourself and lighting the candles.

You almost dropped your match when you heard him open the front door, cursing as you narrowly avoided setting the tablecloth on fire.

“In here baby!” You called as he came inside, shaking himself from the rain. “Happy Valentine’s Day!”

“Aww, doll, this looks… is that aspic?” He asked, one eyebrow cocked as he eyed the meal you had set out for him.

“Sure is!” You said with a grin as you eyed the brown, gelatinous entrée, doing your best to tamp down your nausea. “Steve said it was your favorite back in the day, so I decided to surprise you.”

“Steve?” He asked, a grin spreading over his face as he ran his fingers through his hair. “You asked Rogers what to get me for Valentine’s Day?”

You studied the look on his face and looked back at the meal, considering things.

“That motherfucker.” You said as he broke down, laughing hysterically. “I’m going to murder that giant.”

“I can’t believe you thought I would actually like this!” He said, tears streaming down his cheeks.

“I dunno, the 30s were a weird time!” You cursed yourself in your mind for being so gullible. “Well shit, I wasted a whole day. I’m ordering Chinese.”

“Don’t be too hard on yourself doll, it’s the thought that counts.” He said, giving you a mock pout before wrapping his arms around you and kissing your hair. You yelped when you felt something move in his hoody.

“What the fuck, Barnes?” You screeched as his pocket squirmed, something inside it making a tiny squeaking sound.

“Uhh, don’t be mad.” He said sheepishly as he tucked his hand into his pocket and drew out a tiny, white kitten who was screaming bloody murder. “I found her in a ditch when I was on my run, and it didn’t seem like her mother was anywhere nearby. I didn’t want to just leave her out there.”

“Oh my fucking god, Bucky!” You reached out and he handed her to you. You wrapped your hands around her loosely and cradled her against her chest. “We need a heating pad.”

“What?” He asked confused for a second.

“She’s barely a week old honey, she can’t regulate her own body temperature, go get my heating pad from the bathroom.”

“So, we’re keeping her?” He asked, a grin spreading over his face as he rushed into the bathroom.

“Of course we’re keeping her Barnes.” You scoffed at him. “FRIDAY, we need kitten milk replacer as soon as possible, and specialty feeding bottles for newborns. And get a vet here too.”

“On it, Y/N. There’s a house call veterinarian that can be here in one hour, and the rest of your supplies should arrive within 30 minutes.”

“Thanks FRIDAY.” You were making soft cooing noises at the baby as Bucky came back into the room with the heating pad, and he practically groaned at the smile you gave him.

“Happy Valentine’s day, doll.” He murmured as he kissed your hair and wrapped one arm around you, handing you the heating pad.

“Happy Valentine’s day, Buck.” You whispered back at him. “What should we name her?”

“What do you think of Alpine?”

Tags!

@buckysnumberonegirl​ @slothspaghettiwrites​ @captain-asguard ​ @starlightcrystalline​ @harrysthiccthighss​ @quxxnxfhxll​ @bonkywobble​ @chrisevanscardigan ​ @chubbybuckydumpling​ @StanAllStarks @blackestpinkworld​ @fistmebuckyskywalker​  @wandering-spiritash h​ @khadineberry​ @shutupstevie @muzzyandbusy​ @slytheriin2002 02​ @youthought-iwasa-nicegirl ​ @isysen en​ @drabblewithfrannybarnes​ @stargazingfangirl18 ​ @jack-skellingtons-stuff @chrissquares

#happyholentinesday2021 #natalie writes #bucky angst #angst #bucky x reader #bucky barnes #bucky fic #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes smut #bucky barns imagine #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes imagines #bucky barns x y/n #bucky barns fluff #bucky barns x reader #bucky barnes fic #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes fluff #bucky barnes fics #bucky barnes fandom #fanfic #fanfiction #marvel fanfiction #sebastian stan #seb stan #sebastian stan smut #sebastian stan fanfiction #sebastian stan fanfic #drabblewithfrannybarnes

[favefandomimagines]

With All Due Respect (e.b.)

Summary: Buck invites you to dinner with his parents as a buffer but things turns sour quickly

AN: happy vday!! enjoy a little fluff/angst with buck! xoxo

“I need you at this dinner tonight.” Buck announced as he entered your apartment. “I thought it was just you guys and Chim.” You replied. “Yes, but you’re my girlfriend, my best friend and I need you to be at this dinner tonight because it’s going to be bad.” He explained. 

You didn’t really want to insert yourself in Buckley family drama, especially when you’ve nothing but bad things about his parents. You’ve had your own issues with family, your brother having had a drug problem and your divorced parents. But, it was Buck and you knew if he was asking for help, it was serious. 

“Okay, I’ll be there. Only because it’s you.” You finally said. “And this is why I...I am happy you’re in my life.” Buck replied, before kissing your forehead. 

You noticed the stuttering and the long pause he had after ‘I.’ Neither have you had said the ‘L’ word yet, even if you had been dating for a year. Both of you had gotten out of messy relationships with people you thought you loved and you were both scared to say it. Mainly out of fear of suffering the same fate. 

You wanted to say it though. You felt it, that much was certain. But you didn’t know if he felt the same way. Or if he was even ready to say he loved you. 

Later that night, you stood in front of the closet mirror, glancing over your outfit. Both Buck and Maddie had warned you that their parents were...stuffy. And you wanted to look your best since you were dating their son. 

“No, this looks stupid.” You muttered, taking the shirt off and throwing it on your bed. “This is ugly, this is not cute, they’d probably hate this.” You commented on every shirt in your closet. 

“What are you doing?” Buck laughed. “I own no cute clothes. Nothing that’s going to impress your parents.” You answered. “Wear that one outfit. The one we wore on our second date.” He told you. “We went to an amusement park, Buck, I don’t think that’s classy enough for dinner with the parents.” You rebutted. 

“I don’t care. I love you in that outfit.” Buck said. You smiled up at him before grabbing the outfit he had recommended. “Amusement park outfit it is.” You commented. 

__

If you could turn back time and pray for a house fire so you wouldn’t have to attend dinner, you would. Sitting at the dinner table with Buck and his family was the definition of awkward. On top of that, the not so subtly jabs they made towards Buck and his career were starting to get on your nerves.

“So, Y/N, what do you do for a living?” Buck’s dad asked. “Um, I’m an EMT.” You answered. “I was on track for med school but being an EMT is more my speed.” You added. “Also, what happened to Abby, Evan?” Mrs. Buckley asked him. 

You clenched your jaw just out of sheer discomfort at first but it soon turned into annoyance. “Mom. You know what happened with Abby so please don’t bring it up. Especially in front of Y/N, that’s not fair.” Buck rebutted. 

“Y/N, choosing an EMT rather than med school is an interesting choice.” Mr. Buckley commented, quickly avoiding that subject matter.

“Well, my dad and my brother are both firefighters so I’ve been around them all my life. It just, felt like the right path.” You explained. “And your brother, is he married? I know being a firefighter can be a busy job.” Mrs. Buckley asked. “He’s not married but he’s dating a police officer in Austin. He’s a great guy for him.” You answered. 

“Oh, so your brother is..” Mrs. Buckley started. “Gay. My brother is gay.” You finished for her. 

You could see the look on their faces when you said your brother was gay and it was look you’d grown accustomed to when talking about him to ‘unaccepting’ people. Not exactly homophobic, but people who don’t really accept those who are gay and probably never will.

“I’m rather impressed you’re able to put up with Evan. He can be a handful.” Mr. Buckley said, again, changing the subject. “Um, I guess but aren’t we all handfuls?” You responded with a nervous laugh. 

Buck gripped your hand under the table and you could see that from his side profile, he was at his breaking point. 

“I think we’re going to head out. We have an early shift tomorrow.” He told you. 

He helped you up from your chair and as you walked towards the door, you turned around and looked at his parents. 

“With all due respect, Mr and Mrs Buckley, your son is the greatest man I’ve ever met. When I was a kid, my mother told me to find a man like my father. And I did, in your son. Now, I don’t know what it is that seems to upset you about him but that clearly means you don’t know him anymore. Because if you did, you’d be incredibly proud of him,” You started. 

“He’s brave, kind, honorable and I am incredibly lucky to have him in my life. I love your son and I try like hell every day to make up for the love you didn’t give him.” You finished. 

The room fell silent as you made your way out of the apartment. You couldn’t believe you just outed your feelings to Buck, in front of not just him, but his parents and Chimney. 

The car ride back to your place was a silent one. Buck was just trying to wrap his head around what you said. He never knew you thought so highly of him and that you actually loved him. 

He figured you did but what happened in his past always made him doubt your feelings. 

“I’m sorry.” You said, breaking the silence. “I shouldn’t have said anything or tried to stick up for you. You’re more than capable of doing that on your own. Your parents probably hate me.” You explained. 

“I couldn’t care less about what my parents think. And I’m glad you said it. I don’t know, maybe hearing it from an outside perspective will knock some sense into them.” Buck replied. 

But he never said that he loved you back, which had you fearing the worst. “And I’m sorry for saying the L word. I know you’re not ready to hear it and I didn’t know I was ready to say it until I just said it. You don’t have to say it back, I understand-” Your ranting was cut off by Buck grabbing your hand gently. 

“I do love you. Hearing what you said made me realize how much I do love you. Because you didn’t have to defend me but you did. Because you love me and I don’t think that’s something Abby could ever do. Not like you.” He said. 

“Really?” You questioned. “Of course. I’ve screwed up a lot of things in my life but I can’t have us being one of them. Me taking so long to say I love you when I felt it almost did that.” He explained. 

You squeezed his hand as a sign that he shouldn’t worry. “So, since you love me, does that mean I can convince you to watch Bring It On with me?” You asked mischievously. 

“All you had to do was ask.” Buck laughed. You laughed in response and the sound was like music to Buck’s ears. 

Your laugh was always his favorite thing but now it just felt different. Being with you felt different. All because now your relationship was now solidified with just three words that were long overdue. 

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