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#I’m pleasantly surprised by how nicely these turned out

foldingfittedsheets · 1 month

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Before my beloved and I moved in together they were living with roommates in a place that didn't have a bathtub. Now, a reasonable person might conclude from this that baths would be out of the equation in a home with only one standing shower and no tub.

But these people weren't quitters. Naturopathic doctors and acupuncturists they were dedicated to treating their bodies well and one of the ways they liked to do that was hydrotherapy. Most people are familiar with this through things like polar bear plunges. You sit in a hot tub then jump in freezing water.

It's supposedly good for you and they were way into it. But again, no tub. They'd do hydro showers but it just wasn't the same. These people were not quitters, though. (One of them is the boob soap person, so it really isn't a surprise that she goes hard on everything). So they got what looked like two big metal old timey tubs but which were actually animal food troughs and set them up in the garage. They set up a water heater and god knows how they emptied the tub after, I think there was hoses involved? A pump maybe? I honestly can't remember. Anyway! Voila, hydrotherapy on demand.

I was not aware of this. So when I came over after a long day and my beloved said we should take a bath I was extremely puzzled. I only knew about the one shower. They showed me the garage tubs. I did want a bath and I wasn't really sure about the setup, but honestly I'll try anything once if only for the story, so I agreed.

Fun fact about me though. I haaaate being cold. I've been 0% body fat most of my life with skin barely keeping my bones enclosed. I'm always cold. My favorite activity at the time was sitting directly in front of space heaters. My shower temperatures turn me lobster red and make my beloved cringe. Willingly dunking myself into cold water is the antipathy of my entire deal.

On the night in question I happily submerged into the warm tank, pleasantly surprised by the big silly improvised tub. Which again was meant for livestock. My knees bumped companionably against my beloved as we soaked in the hot water. After a while they rose to go into the cold water. "You don't have to," they told me.

But I was haunted. I wouldn't be doing hydro if I just stayed in the warm tub. Maybe hydro was amazing. It has all these health benefits. I desperately didn't want to but I stood up with them. We were having this nice intimate evening in the garage, just us, I felt safe. I was gonna do it.

They stepped easily into the cold tub, dunking matter of factly into the frigid water. I went to step. I did. I really really tried. My foot went in and I started shrieking, my progress arrested by the total state of shock I entered when my warm toasty foot hit that smug arctic water tension. My beloved started laughing as my pitch ascended the deeper my foot went into the cold water.

I started loudly narrating my discomfort as my foot touched the bottom and I willed my other foot up to join it. "THIS IS VERY COLD," I yelled, "IT'S SO COLD I THINK I MIGHT DIE HOW ARE YOU JUST CASUALLY SITTING IN THIS FREEZING COLD WATER?! I'M DYING- I THINK I'M DYING! I'M DYING BUT WE'RE HERE, TOGETHER! I CAN DO THIS! I CAN DO THESE EVEN THOUGH IT'S SO COLD ALL MY MOLECULES HAVE COMPRESSED INTO A SOLID STATE!"

I ended up with both feet planted in the cold tub, water up to my shins, bellowing and panting while my beloved laughed so hard they couldn't breathe. I hunkered over the cold water, squatting like a frozen gargoyle.

My beloved was trying to psyche me up while I willed my body to obey me. In a sudden jerky drop like a puppet whose strings have been cut I plummeted my body into the cold and let out a shriek that I’m sure could have shattered glass and then leapt up out of the water at a speed relative to a rocket achieving space flight. I didn’t like it.

When we got back inside my beloved's roommates were collapsed on the ground with tears in the their eyes from how hard they'd been laughing. They and probably every neighbor down the block had heard my pterodactyl screeching and narration because the garage was not remotely soundproof.

#ramblies #ffs foibles #funny #story #writing #my beloved #fun fact I'm the same way on roller coasters #I just scream a terrified narration and my beloved thinks its the funnies thing

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slttygeto · 10 months

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SLOWLY LOVING YOU — SUGURU GETO.

જ⁀➴ synopsis: Before Yaga introduces you to the third years, Suguru is a little unsure of you joining them. And then he meets you, and suddenly his heart doesn’t know how to slow down.

જ⁀➴ content warning: fem!reader, reader gets a few cuts and faints, swearing and a lot of fluff.

જ⁀➴ word count: 4,2k

જ⁀➴ note: thank you to the sweet @duhsies for commissioning me! I had so much fun writing it<3!!

“Yaga says there’s a newcomer,” Satoru had a habit of speaking with a mouthful, which Suguru really hated. A hand is smacking the back of the white haired’s head who hisses at the contact before glaring at his best friend.

“Hey!” He protests, his sunglasses resting at the tip of his nose.

“Swallow your food.” Suguru presses, taking a sip from his drink. He had heard long ago from Yaga about this newcomer, and wasn’t really sure how to feel about it. It’s not that he wasn’t good with new people (he wasn’t), but he felt like it was a little odd to transfer someone and have them be with him, Shoko and Gojo right away. They had to have a good cursed technique, a great control of their cursed energy, otherwise they’d just get in the way of everything and—ouf, this was too negative.

Who was he to judge? Sure, a part of him was skeptical, but he was trying to awaken the other side that usually reassures him that everything will turn out just fine.

“I wonder if it’s guy or a girl,” Satoru speaks again, and this time (surprisingly) he swallows his food before opening his mouth. Suguru shrugs at his best friend, grabbing a fry from his tray of food.

“It won’t really change much, I just hope they’re good at what they do,”

“Oh Suguruuu,” Gojo whines at his friend’s negativity, pushing him but not too hard. “Don’t be such a kill joy, I’m pretty sure that they’re good. Otherwise, Yaga wouldn’t look so excited.”

“Why are you the one telling me to be nice?” The black haired male raises an eyebrow, carefully picking out a fry that didn’t have ketchup on it.

“You rubbed off on me,” Satoru wiggles his eyebrows to which Suguru rolls his eyes at.

“Don’t.” Suguru presses, but it’s too late to stop his friend’s funny joke.

“That’s a little fruity—“

“Finish your food.”

When they head back to the school grounds after having lunch, they’re pleasantly surprised when they find Yaga, Shoko and an unknown girl standing near one of the school buildings. From the looks of it, you weren’t that nervous. Sure, you were checking out your surroundings as the school was new, but nothing about your demeanor suggested that you were anxious. Not even a little.

Suguru raises his eyebrows at this, and although he tries not to stare too hard at you, Gojo is quick to notice it and nudges him with an elbow.

“Hey, think that’s the new girl?”

“I mean, it looks like it,” Suguru mumbles a response and stops walking when Yaga starts to approach them.

“You finally decided to show up,” Oh, an ass-whooping is on the way.

“The mission took us way too long,” it’s Satoru who tries his luck as his usual, and the grin on his face draws a similar one on Suguru’s lips.

“Yeah, but we managed to get it done with. That’s all what matters,” if it wasn’t for Satoru’s love to piss off their teacher, Suguru is sure that he wouldn’t bother. But it’s fun, and it gives the students something to laugh about.

You watch the scene unfold before you and you raise your eyebrows at how easy going the pair standing in front of you was. Did they not fear Yaga? You had been introduced to the man a couple of weeks ago before you were transferred to the school, and despite the comforting vibe the man had, you still felt like you owed him some sort of respect.

Something the two guys bickering with their teacher seemed to lack. Or maybe it was just an act.

Yaga gives the two guys a comical smack to the back of their heads and you hear Shoko snicker next to you. You fight back a smile of your own, until you feel Shoko pat your back, almost in reassurance.

“You can laugh, they won’t be offended.” You relax at this, and before you could even say anything in response, Yaga is clearing his throat to get your attention.

“You can introduce yourself,” oh, he’s talking to me. You’re suddenly aware of the three pairs of eyes fixated on you, and you fidget nervously.

“Hello, my name is (name) and I’m—“

“That’s boring!” The white haired male cuts you off, and your eye twitches. Well, that’s offensive. Before you could even glare at him, he’s approaching you while taking off his sunglasses and your heart stills at the sight. Those eyes felt like they were staring into your soul.

“Show us your technique, that’s a much more interesting way to introduce yourself,” your body relaxes at this, and you can see Yaga signaling you to go along with what your classmate was saying.

“Oh, okay then,”

Suguru’s eyes are cat-like as they fixate on you. You get in position to show off your technique and suddenly, everything goes quiet. He could feel the energy shift when you stepped away from them, and so he was anticipating a big show. Perhaps, you were a show-off like Gojo.

Suddenly, the air feels a little different—why is it wet? He touches his skin to make sure he wasn’t imagining things, and before he could even process things, fog had engulfed him entirely. This was new.

You were nowhere to be seen, maybe that was your technique—a little weak, Suguru thought. But it felt like you read his mind because right in front of him was standing a carbon copy of himself. A clone.

“What the—“ The clone stands still as Suguru gets into a fighting position, ready to unleash a weak curse at it, but the clone is quick to do the same and releases a different curse—the clone knew about his technique?

Before things could escalate further, he heard a snap of fingers from behind him and his eyes widen when the fog and the clone both disappear at once. You were standing right behind him. Being so focused on the fact that what was standing in front of Suguru was a literal doppelganger, he failed to notice you sneak up behind him. He assumed that you snapping your fingers was to deactivate your technique, but it was also a realization that you made him so unaware of his surroundings—and that was the beauty of your technique.

Everyone looks amused by Suguru’s confused expression. He was staring you right in the eye, and your confidence and the relaxed expression painting your face would normally sned shivers down anyone’s spine. It was awkwardly silent for a few moments before Gojo decides to break the silence.

“That was rather impressive, wasn’t it?” Shoko agrees with her classmate, clapping almost ceremoniously. Yaga steps away from the two to approach you and Suguru who was still staring at you, this time with less resentfulness. Sure, he hated having someone sneak up behind him. And the fact that you had chosen him out of the three felt a little strange, but he tried not to overthink it.

Maybe it’s because I looked like a bitch.

He immediately brushes off the thought when you flash him an unapologetic smile, the confidence you gave off a few moments ago replaced with something he couldn’t quite decipher—were you getting shy?

His lips part almost in shock at the way your cheeks are slightly pink, and you take two steps back and away from him before apologizing out loud.

“Sorry, I just thought you looked a little bored.”

Oh, not anymore.

“That to you, is a Grade 1 sorcerer.” Yaga announces very proudly. Usually, Grade S sorcerers would be the one to be introduced like this—with so much pleasure and honor. But Yaga didn’t care about that. He saw potential in you and embraced it like you were his top student.

Geto couldn’t shake off the giddy feeling in his chest. He watched as Satoru came over to your side and ruffles your hair, promising that you were going to have a good time at school because he was there. And you played along, the playful expression you wore on your face not matching the blush on your cheeks—you were just easily flustered having this much attention on you.

“What do you say, Suguru?” He snaps out of his thoughts at the mention of his name, and he finds his best friend staring at him with those eyes. He caught him looking at you, didn’t he?

“Sorry, I zoned out.” It wasn’t entirely a lie, but he wasn’t going to say that you seemed so interesting that he found himself so lost in his thoughts. He didn’t like this, he didn’t like how you seemed so unaware of the fact that you were breaking down his walls one by one, and all of this happening in less than an hour of meeting you? Unbelievable.

“I said, we are all gonna get along so well, right?” Glancing at you, he notices how you seem to shift your attention back to him the moment his name is mentioned. You’re almost eager to find out what he has to say next, sparkly eyes and a tight lipped smile making you look so fucking adorable—oh fuck, no.

“Yeah, we will.”

He was officially and totally fucked.

It’s been a few months since you officially transferred to Jujutsu high, and things were going great. You felt like you fit in so perfectly, you were a bit nervous that you would be a burden since the trio seemed to have a dynamic of their own, being the one to ruin the dynamic—or worse, feel left out would just be the highlight of your school year. But they were so nice. Each in their own way.

While Gojo felt like a troublesome sibling with his many pranks and jokes, Shoko truly felt like a close friend. You could crack jokes with her, share food and even watch movies during the weekend. The friendship you shared with both seemed very genuine and you were so grateful for that.

And then there was Geto.

Suguru Geto, tall and handsome, with long dark luscious hair and cat-like eyes. A smile that seemed precious since it appeared way less than you would want. A voice that felt like he was purring in your ear and a personality that had your heart stuttering in your chest.

He had caught your eye the moment you saw him walk on the school grounds. You tried not to make your tiny crush on the man obvious right away, but it felt like you blew your cover when you chose him as your target when asked to show off your technique.

Things weren’t exactly bad between you and the tall male, but they weren’t that good either. There an awkwardness that always lingered when you were both left alone, your heart would beat so fast and so incessantly when you felt his eyes on you before he places a piece of his chocolate on your desk.

“Was gonna share it with Satoru, but he pissed me off today.” You’re almost shocked that he’s even addressing you when neither Shoko nor Satoru were in the classroom.

“Are you sure? He does like sweets,” you still grab the sweet treat and place it in your mouth, to which he chuckles at.

“Well, you ate it immediately. Seems like you don’t care.”

“Well, he did piss me off too today,” you’re grinning, playing with the wrap of the chocolate. Suguru raises his eyebrows at your remark and continues to tease you.

“Was it another joke about how bad his clone was? I mean he’s not entirely wrong—“

“Stooop,” you groan out, resting your head on your desk in defeat. You were too embarrassed about the recent incident, and no one seemed to want to let go of it.

Rather than being embarrassed that his clone was that ugly, Gojo’s sudden and quick realization that your clones had an immediate link to your photographic memory lit up a bulb at the top of his head. And so the teasing began.

How come Suguru’s was so accurate on day one!

Do you have something to share with the class?

It was horrible, and you remember how Yaga had to smack the white haired male in the back of his head to get him to stop. He caught onto your little crush on Suguru faster than you had anticipated, but you were glad that when asked what he was teasing you about, Satoru chose to save you the embarrassment and just say that his clone was so ugly, you needed more practice.

“I just need more practice,” you say, a little muffled from having your face in your arm. Suguru stares at you for a few moments from his seat, then he suddenly gets up and walks towards you. He crouches down in front of your desk and you quickly raise your head in question.

“Hm?”

“You don’t hate me, right?” He could’ve asked that question from his desk, he knows that. But it would’ve seemed a little cowardly cause he knows he would avoid looking you in the eyes. But eye contact was important when communicating things, and right now was one of the few moments where Suguru felt like he was going to pee his pants waiting for an answer.

“Hate you?”

“I’m aware that hate is a big word—it’s a strong feeling too, but I just need to know if you feel that way about me.” Suguru was supposed to feel stupid, maybe a little insane for asking you something like this. But he noticed how things always got quiet when it was just you two alone. It didn’t necessarily mean you hated him, but a part of him wanted to make sure you didn’t resent him for mysterious reasons.

“I don’t hate you,” you pause your words, and Suguru watches as your face slightly reddens as you avoid his eyes. “Uh, just nervous.”

Now, why did I say that? It’s one thing to know that he makes you feel this way, but it’s another when you fully admit it to him and watch as he raises both of his eyebrows, almost in shock.

“Nervous?” At first, he’s scared that the word has a bitter taste to it—but it slowly dissipates when he sees the blush on your face darken because why did he have to say it like that.

It sounded like he was saying it for the first time, carefully tasting each letter and syllable. You felt nervous around Suguru.

“You are kind of intimidating,” the small smile painting your lips eases Suguru’s nerves despite having another word describe him. But he’s heard this one before. In fact, he likes it. He likes the way it makes him feel, the ego boost it gives him when he sees people quiver in his presence.

But he didn’t want to have this kind of effect on you. You didn’t need to fear him or avoid his eyes for him to know that he was a powerful sorcerer—he wanted you to feel safe with him. He wanted to rid you of any problem weighing you down, have that smile on your lips for a long time. Whatever Suguru felt for you, he was coming to terms with it and accepting it.

Slowly that is.

“If I’m intimidating, then is Yaga like a monster to you?” Suguru teases you back, and he stands up from his crouching position. He stares down at you with a grin, his sharp eyes making eye contact with your own bright ones. A contrast like this looked so endearing.

“Yes.” You don’t hesitate as you reply, and Geto immediately bursts into laughter at this.

“Wow, you didn’t even hesitate.” Wow, I made him laugh.

“But he is scary! I mean, he’s very nice… but I don’t think I’d wanna piss him off like Gojo does,” you mumble the last part, but Suguru hears you loud and clear.

“Satoru pisses off everyone, so you’re safe.”

Having a conversation like this with Geto felt nice. It wasn’t that often that you two chatted or even had the time to sit down and give each other normal classmate updates. So to be able to talk to him like this, make him laugh until his stomach hurts before walking to your dorms felt new. But you weren’t complaining.

Over the last few months, you’ve gone on a couple of missions with both Suguru and Satoru. They were all successful, and you always got done with them in half of the time.

But today was different. You were going on a mission with Suguru.

Yaga mentioned how you both seemed to work really well together, and while Suguru might’ve been stronger than you, you had so much potential that couldn’t get wasted. Suguru seemed like the perfect fit for a partner and a sort of mentor.

The mission was going to take place in another city, which is why you find yourself on the train with the tall male who was trying to get some sleep.

Sitting across from each other, you couldn’t help but steal a few glances at the guy. He looked too good from this angle, you could feel your body tingling in embarrassment.

The guy’s just trying to sleep

Over the last few months, no matter how hard you tried to brush your feelings for Suguru, they resurfaced not only a day later when he did something that would make your heart stutter in your chest. You remember him making you food when you were sick, giving you his scarf when you got too cold, suggesting to style your hair for you—how could you not fall for him?

But you were terrified of rejection. You were scared that those feelings could potentially ruin the friendship between you two, and God knows how horrible that would make you feel.

“We’re there,” you were so lost in your thought, that you didn’t feel the train stop. Only Suguru’s hand on your shoulder was able to snap you out of it.

“Oh sorry,” you stand up and make your way out of the train with Suguru following close behind.

“Did you manage to get some sleep?” He asks from behind you, and you slow down your pace to match his footsteps before shaking your head.

“Not really, I wasn’t that tired.”

“Oh but you will be after the mission, that’s always how it is.” He was referring to the many times you and Gojo would end up falling asleep on each other on the way back home, and he would secretly take pictures of the white haired male drooling on your hair to show it to you when you both wake up.

“Thank god he’s not here to drool on my hair,” you say with a hint of annoyance, but it’s harmless.

“Oh, you never know,” the playfulness to his voice makes you roll your eyes, but the smile on your face gives away that you were anything but annoyed.

You arrive to said location after ten minutes of walking. And at first sight, it seemed like any normal abandoned building; a little creepy, no color painting its exterior and most importantly lifeless. But the smell—god, the gut wrenching smell that came from it made you cringe.

“God, it smells horrible.”

“Then we’re at the right place.” Suguru is the first one to walk in, and you follow close after. You take careful steps, eyes darting around the area to scan it for any clues.

“I have a horrible feeling about this,” you mumble to yourself. You knew you were sent to this place to find the source of its gloominess, but the farther you walked down the hallway, the tighter your stomach got.

“It was an orphanage.” Your heart sinks at the revelation, watching the old toys scattered on the floor, filled with dirt and dust. You could only imagine what happened to the kids.

The room is silent for a few moments before both of you and Suguru stand still. Almost on guard.

“Do you feel it?”

“Yeah, I do.” Whatever took over this place was huge. It didn’t necessarily feel like a strong or dangerous curse, but the way it was staring at you from down the hall had you standing in a fighting position.

Before you could even process the fact that you were dealing with that big curse, it charges at you—and fast.

It’s too fast for its size!

Mist engulfs the creature almost immediately, it would only serve as a distraction for a little bit before it would rage even more and decide to charge at you.

“Go hide, I’ll take care of it.” You watch as Suguru calls in two of his powerful curses, both enough to do the job. But you don’t want that.

You don’t want him to do the job on his own, or worse hide while he does everything. It wasn’t why you became a sorcerer, why you chose to even join the school. And so you stood still, grabbing one of the daggers attached to your thigh. You ignore Suguru’s cries telling you to step away from the huge curse.

“You’re gonna get killed if you don’t move!”

“Shut up!” The mist slowly morphs into something else—something Suguru has never seen you done before. It shapes itself into a beautiful scenery, one where flowers are blooming and the sun is shining and—he was hallucinating.

And so was the curse. The technique might’ve not been the most powerful, but it still managed to blind the curse for a few moments. You fill your sharp dagger with cursed energy before slicing it open in one swift motion. It’s messy and sloppy, and blood covers your clothes and the floor like a paint. You stand still and stare in awe at what you’ve just done.

I killed a huge curse on my own!

What you fail to see is the multiple cuts on your body, and how all color leaves your face as exhaustion washes over you. Shit, you were passing out.

The last thing you remember hearing is Suguru calling your name before everything goes silent.

Suguru is a mess. That was the only word that could accurately describe the state of the poor guy as he paced back and forth in front of your dorm room. No matter how much Gojo tried to convince him that you were okay, he refused to budge.

He was mad at you. You were so reckless back there, refused to listen to him when he asked you to move—he was filled with all kinds of emotions.

And so when Yaga finally gives him the green light to visit you, the first thing he does is scold you.

You’re sitting up in your bed with bandages wrapped around your body, and you look so tired. But despite all of that, you still manage to flash him a warm smile when he walks inside your room and closes the door behind him.

“Yaga told me I was passed out for two days, I hope I didn’t worry you—“

“What you did was reckless.” Suguru cuts you off, voice sharp and cold that you flinch. Your eyes stare at your lap, avoiding his because he was right. You were reckless, refused to listen to him and powered up your technique faster than your body could handle.

“I know,” you don’t apologize. A part of you wants to, but you were still going to stand your ground if he tried to guilt trip you about the situation.

“And I was very mad,”

“I know.”

It’s silent for a few moments, and Suguru takes in how despite the tears blurring your vision, you refuse to give in and apologize about anything.

“But that’s only because you scared me to death,” he hears you sniffle, and he sees you blink away the tears before staring at him in shock. Suguru takes a few steps towards you, and for a moment you see the hesitation in his action. He quickly brushes it off as he gently rests his hand on your jaw, thumb stroking your cheek.

“You have no idea how terrifying that was.” Your heart starts racing at his words, and his touch left a tingling feeling behind when he pulled away to pat your head.

“I don’t want you to do that again, but I gotta admit,” he ruffles your hair, the scowl on his face morphing into a soft expression.

“That was really cool,” your smile is on your lips almost immediately at his words, and you take your hand and wrap it around his wrist. You pull his hand down and place it again on your face, a bold move that has the both of you slightly blushing.

“You think I’m cool?” your voice sounds sweet when you ask the question, and Suguru thinks he’s never heard you sound like this before but he nods anyway.

“The coolest.”

Neither of you move or say a thing after this, but the prolonged eye contact had the tall male leaning down a bit hesitantly at first, making sure you were okay with it. So when you pull him closer and place your lips on top of his, Suguru is convinced that it was the right thing to do.

The kiss is short and sweet. You pull away after a few seconds and the blush on your cheeks spreads across your entire face when he leans in to give you another kiss. Then another and another.

“Sugu—“

“Shhh, you look cute when you’re flustered.”

2023 © all works belong to slttygeto. do not repost my work anywhere else.

#moon's works #geto suguru #geto x reader #jujutsu kaisen x reader #jujutsu kaisen #jjk geto #jujutsu kaisen scenarios #jujutsu kaisen headcanons #geto x you #geto fluff #jjk fluff #jujutsu kaisen fluff #jujutsu kaisen getou #jjk getou #jujutsu geto #getou suguru x reader #geto suguru x reader

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moonstruckme · 1 month

Note

hi lovely I hope you’re feeling better!!!! I was wondering if I could request something with poly!marauders where she’s like simmering with anxiety and isn’t having a panic attack but is sort of close bc she’s just really overwhelmed and the boys notice and try to calm her down and are just sweet <3

Thank you for requesting sweetheart!

cw: signs of anxiety

poly!marauders x fem!reader ♡ 1k words

You appear caught in a state of restlessness. You’re meant to be reading, but Remus hasn’t seen you turn a page in ages. Your eyes keep unfocusing, your knee bouncing underneath your blanket and your fingers toying absentmindedly with the corner of your page.

Remus supposes your boyfriends haven’t done much to create a relaxing atmosphere in your home tonight. Earlier he’d let Sirius keep an eye on the stove while he minced garlic, and of course that had ended with you and James rushing to open every window near the kitchen to get the smoke alarm to turn off, and even once he’d traded Sirius’ help for James’ there’d been several near-misses with the kitchen knives and his reckless chopping. It also doesn’t help that James and Sirius are in one of their moods where listening to them talk is like watching a tennis match. Trying to keep up could give you whiplash, but luckily you don’t seem to be paying attention as they bicker about whether rugby or cricket is the rougher sport (Sirius is only trying to rile James; James clearly knows this, but he persists nonetheless). Still, it can’t make for nice background noise.

Remus corners the page of his own book and reaches across the space between you, taking your hand. You look up with a smile, pleasantly surprised.

“Alright, lovely?” he asks, fingers dancing up the length of your palm to your wrist.

“I’m good,” you reply softly. “How’s your book?”

“It’s off to a slow start,” Remus admits, “but I’m hoping it’ll pick up soon. How’s yours?”

You look down at the book in your lap. He almost wonders if you’d forgotten it was there. “It’s not bad.”

“Yeah?” He lets his fingers rest over the bump of your pulse, trying not to frown at its quick beat. “You haven’t seemed to be reading much.”

By now your conversation has caught the attention of the other boys, James turning towards you and Sirius tilting his head to see around him.

“Oh,” James says sympathetically, “is it not very good?”

“No, it’s fine.” You look back down at your book, a bit sheepish. “I guess I’m just a little distracted.”

Remus hums knowingly, stroking the back of your hand with his thumb. James’ brow furrows, but Sirius, true to form, asks outright, “Is something the matter?”

You shake your head, seeming a bit perplexed yourself. “No,” you say, “I don’t know what my problem is.”

“You seem a bit strung up,” Remus suggests gently.

“Yeah, but” —you shrug, lips curving halfheartedly— “not for any good reason.”

James makes a woeful pitying sound, wrapping his arms around your middle. “Sweetheart,” he laments, “do you think you might want a cuddle?”

“Sure,” you agree, and your hand is removed from Remus’ as James pulls you into his lap, propping his chin on your shoulder with a pout, “but everything’s really fine, don’t worry.”

Sirius leans his head on the couch cushion, looking at you with eyes sharp and contemplative. “What’s going through your head, pretty girl?” he asks.

James covers your heart with a big hand, frowning at what he feels. You shrug. “I was just thinking about what I have to do tomorrow.”

“You’ve been keeping busy lately,” Remus says. “Maybe you need to take some things off your plate.”

A grimace is fixed upon your face before he’s finished talking. “It all has to get done, though,” you sigh. “No way around it.”

Sirius and Remus exchange a look. “Maybe we can help,” Sirius says.

You shake your head. “There’s nothing you can do,” you insist. “It’s not impossible, I’ve just been lazy and now it’s all piled up and I have to deal with it.” Your voice tenses as you lay it out, and your body with it. “It’s my problem. It’s not great, but I’ll get it done.”

Sirius’ expression twitches into a frown at your increasingly agitated tone, and James gives you a firm squeeze, pressing a kiss into the side of your head.

“Shh, angel, just slow down for a minute. You’re okay right now, aren’t you?”

Some of the frustration slips from your expression. “I’m fine, I just—”

“Then relax.” James’ voice is equal parts gentle and firm. “Take a deep breath.”

You do. You close your eyes, and Remus can almost hear you counting as you inhale through your nose. James and Sirius, for probably the first time all evening, are silent.

You stop breathing in. A small dent forms between your brows.

“I can’t do it all the way,” you say, a slight vulnerability to your voice.

Remus tries to make his low and sure to counter it. “That’s okay, it still counts. Just keep going, love. And maybe hear Sirius out.”

Sirius very obviously fights the urge to gloat at the support, but he softens his preening into a lightly teasing look, narrowing his eyes at you playfully. “As I was saying, there have to be things we can make easier for you. What’s on your to-do list?”

You take in another breath, and James makes a satisfied humming sound against your temple. “I mean, I really have to do laundry.”

“Are you joking?” A grin splits Sirius’ face. “We can do that for you, baby, easy.”

“And I have to finish my project,” you go on, as though determined to prove the impossibility of your tasks, “which will likely take all morning.”

“I’ll be here tomorrow,” James reminds you. “Would it help if I made you breakfast so you don’t have to take the time?”

You look surprised, head turning towards him. “Yeah,” you say. “That would be really helpful, actually.”

“Stubborn thing.” Sirius pinches at your thigh, but Remus catches his hand before it can do any real damage. “Nothing we can do, huh?”

You duck your head sheepishly. Still, Remus can hear your smile when you say, “Sorry, you were right.”

“It happens more often than you’d think, doll. Really astute of you to recognize it, though.”

“For now,” Remus cuts in before Sirius can get to really gloating, “maybe it’s best to just try to relax, dove. Tomorrow’s problems will be manageable, there’s no sense in stressing yourself out tonight.”

“Yeah,” you say, almost shyly. “Sorry, I wasn’t thinking properly.”

“Don’t be sorry, baby,” James chides, tightening his hold on you. “It’s all good now, yeah?”

“Yeah,” you admit.

There’s a brief pause.

“Sorry,” Sirius says, not sounding apologetic in the slightest, “I just want to hear it from your lips one more time. You said I was what?”

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hazbinwhoree · 4 months

Note

Hey I fell in love with your writing style, I wanted to know if you could write an Adam x reader with a shy S/O who is anxious about having their first time with Adam.

She is curious and takes off Adam's mask and tells him he is beautiful

Sorry if it's too long 💛🎸

Virginity

A/N: I got FOUR requests for Adam x a virgin reader, so here you go you fiends.

“Looking good today, babe, let me hit!” Adam called at (Name) as she walked by. Lute punched his arm. (Name) blushed bright red and walked a little faster. She wasn’t scared of or annoyed by Adam, in fact, she had the biggest crush on him, but she had no idea what to do about it.

Adam loved flirting with and catcalling (Name). Not just because he liked her, but because her reactions were just too funny. Last week he’d backed her against a wall and complimented her hair.

Well… “You have such pretty hair. I bet it’s as soft as it looks. How about you get on your knees and I can find out?” (Name) squeaked. Adam still laughed thinking about it. It was adorable the way she blushed so easily.

“Hey!” Adam caught up to (Name). “Want to commit a sin for your next confessional?” He made finger guns at her.

“What? Why would I purposely sin?”

That was another thing about her Adam loved. She didn’t understand dirty jokes.

So was the case for a few years before Adam found his little attraction to (Name) growing out of hand. When he wasn’t turned on by porn anymore, he knew he was screwed. He started jerking off to the thought that (Name) had never been touched and probably had never even touched herself. Maybe he had a bit of a virginity kink.

Unbeknownst to him, (Name) did touch herself, albeit very rarely and she never finished. And when she did touch herself, she imagined Adam, taking her virginity. She didn’t want it to be anyone else. She was sure that if she asked, Adam would say yes in a heartbeat, but she was way too shy to ever bring it up.

Lucky for her, Adam didn’t have the same inhibitions. After a week of jerking off to the thought of her, Adam pulled her aside one day.

“I want to have sex with you.”

(Name) blinked. Adam couldn’t have been more clear.

“I’m a virgin,” she finally responded, thinking it would deter him. He’d had a lot of sex, no doubt, so why would he want someone inexperienced?

Adam rolled his eyes. “Holy fucking shit, I’m sooo surprised.”

There was a moment of silence. Adam groaned, exasperated. “I still want to fuck you. Do you want to fuck me?”

“I mean,” (Name) was as red as a tomato. “I wouldn’t mind you being the one to take it…”

Adam grinned, pinning her against the wall. (Name) choked. “I’ll see you tonight then,” he said sweetly, leaning down to press a quick kiss to her mouth. Then he was gone.

That night, (Name) was so nervous she felt like she might throw up. She was rethinking letting Adam be the one to take her virginity. Gentle wasn’t exactly a word anyone associated with Adam. But once she was outside his door, he opened it without her even knocking, and (Name) accepted that she was in it now. No going back.

“If you’re having second thoughts, you don’t have to do this,” Adam said, like he read her mind.

“No… no I want to, I’m just nervous.” (Name) blushed.

“Well I swear I’ll make it enjoyable for you.” He reached out his hand. “I’m the Dickmaster for a reason.”

(Name) laughed, taking his hand, and he led her to his bedroom.

(Name) was pleasantly surprised how clean Adam’s room was. She wasn’t sure what she’d been expecting but Adam didn’t exactly put off the vibes of having a clean room. It smelled nice too, like men’s soap and cologne.

What he did have was the stereotypical navy blue sheets.

But his bed looked comfy and he had ambient lighting, and he’d definitely set a nice scene for their upcoming activities.

Adam placed a hand on her lower back to gently push her towards the bed because (Name) found that her feet wouldn’t move when her brain commanded it. Heat spread pleasantly through her body at the contact and she briefly realized how touch starved she actually was.

(Name) sat on the edge of the bed while Adam went over to his nightstand and lit a candle. Then he came and sat next to her. “Again,” he said, “I don’t want you to feel like this is a fucking hostage situation. If you’re having any doubts, bail, I won’t be mad.”

He didn’t really seem to believe that she wanted to be there, so (Name) said the boldest thing she’d said in a while. “Kiss me.”

Adam grinned. “Fuck yeah.” He pulled her into his lap and connected their lips almost desperately. This would take a lot of restraint on his end if he didn’t want to scare her off. He was already hard just from her being in his lap.

(Name) was nervous when she could feel Adam’s erection against her thigh. But kissing him was more than enjoyable, so despite her nerves, she had no second thoughts. Adam ran his hands up her back under her shirt, gently stroking the base of her wings.

(Name) shuddered, gripping his shoulders. She was already wet.

Adam’s tongue invaded her mouth and (Name) moaned. To her dismay, Adam pulled back. “Damn, babe, you’re already this worked up and I’ve barely touched you.” (Name)’s face burned. “Shut up,” she scowled. Adam laughed, reconnecting their lips.

They made out for another minute before Adam stood, picking (Name) up with him, turning around and tossing her down on the bed before crawling on top of her. (Name) squeaked and Adam snickered.

He spread her legs and settled between them, covering her body with his as he pressed his lips to hers again. His hand sneaks up her shirt until he reaches her chest, groping her breast. He rolls a nipple between his forefinger and thumb and (Name) moans against his lips.

“Sensitive,” Adam teases. He’s pretty sure she hasn’t stopped blushing since they started. “Just tell me what feels good,” he told her, squeezing her tit. (Name) just nodded wordlessly. Adam took off his own shirt before pulling (Name)’s up and off to make her more comfortable.

“Are you going to take your mask off?”

The question caught Adam off guard. “I wasn’t going to,” he answered after a minute.

“Could you?”

Adam hesitates.

“Come on,” (Name) encourages. “If you’re going to take my virginity I want to see your real face while you do.”

That was a fair point. Reluctantly, Adam reached up and tugged his mask off.

(Name) had never seen him without his mask before, he wore it everywhere. He looked unsure and uncomfortable without it, but he was gorgeous. (Name) reached up and cupped his face in her hands.

“Pretty boy,” she cooed.

It was Adam’s turn to blush, but the compliment made him regain his confidence. He sat back to admire (Name) topless. “Pretty girl,” he retorted, staring at her chest. (Name) moved to cover herself but Adam caught her hands and pinned them to the bed.

Then he slid down so his face was between her tits, peppering them with kisses before taking a nipple into his mouth. (Name) gasped and her back arched. Adam smiled, sucking. He let go of her hands, which immediately found purchase tangled in his hair, and massaged the tit he wasn’t sucking on.

(Name) was making affirming noises as Adam continued his minstrations, only spurring him on. He released her nipple with a wet pop, and moved to the other one. One hand gently held (Name)’s head, while the other began to snake down her stomach towards her core.

He slid his hand under the waistband of her pants and over her underwear, dragging three fingers up and down. (Name) whimpered.

“Fuck, you’re already so wet,” Adam mumbled, releasing her tit. He leaned up and kissed (Name), sneaking his tongue past her lips.

He moved his hand to slide under her panties too and (Name) gasped at the feeling of his fingers against her bare pussy. Adam dragged his fingers up and down and (Name) almost accidentally bit his tongue.

One finger prodded at her opening, testing resistance. Finding none, he slid one slender finger into her. (Name) wasn’t even sure what kind of noise she made. Adam added a second finger and (Name) winced in slight pain. Adam waited a moment for her to adjust before beginning to pump his fingers in and out. His thumb put pressure on her clit.

It quickly became pleasurable, and Adam began scissoring his fingers. When he was sure she was loosened up, he added a third finger and (Name) winced. Three was a new stretch, but the pain mixed with pleasure. Adam leisurely pumped his fingers in and out, pulling out of the kiss so he could lean back and witness her expressions.

(Name) sighed, her body feeling better than it had ever felt in her life. “Adam,” (Name) breathed. Adam grinned. He loved hearing his name. He pulled his fingers out and pulled his hand from her pants, and (Name) whined at the loss.

“Patience,” Adam teased. He knelt back to pull down (Name)’s pants and panties. She crossed her legs once she was bare.

Adam quickly shed his own pants and boxers to keep them on the same level. (Name)’s eyes widened looking at his dick. She had no idea how she was supposed to take that inside her.

Adam smirked. “It’ll only hurt a bit. I’ll be gentle.” He grabbed her ankles and uncrossed her legs, pushing her knees apart.

(Name) felt a small thrill when Adam pressed himself against her. He looked so… angelic above her. He grinded against her and hissed, his self control waning. “Can I?” he asked, and it almost sounded desperate.

“Yeah.”

Adam smiled and lined himself up with her opening before slowing beginning to sink in. (Name) gasped, tensing up. “Relax,” Adam soothed. “It’ll be easier.” (Name) tried to relax her body. When she did, Adam pushed in further, and as hot pain spread through her groin, she had to focus on keeping her body relaxed.

She managed, and before she knew it, she felt Adam’s hips against hers and realized he had bottomed out. He stayed still, letting her adjust to the stretch. Her face was contorted in pain until he reached a hand down between them and began rubbing her clit. The expression of pain quickly morphed into one of pleasure.

The pleasure completely overpowered the pain and (Name) didn’t feel split in half anymore.

“I’m gonna move,” Adam warned her, his voice gravelly with the effort to remain restrained and not fuck her into the mattress.

(Name)’s arms wound around his shoulders, hands clawing at his back when he began to thrust. Adam held himself up with a hand next to the side of (Name)’s head, slowly rocking his hips. His finger was still circling her clit, so it didn’t take long for his thrusts to become pleasurable too.

“Faster,” (Name) panted. Adam didn’t need to be told twice, roughly snapping his hips. (Name) cried out in pleasure. “Adam!” Adam thrust quickly and deeply, leaning down to kiss (Name) when she cried his name. He kissed her sweetly, as if to make up for the rough pace.

He loved the missionary position because it allowed him to be able to look at her facial expressions while he fucked her. He pulled back to admire her for a minute, his hips never losing their pace. He stared into her eyes and (Name) held the intense eye contact.

Adam’s thrusts started to become sporadic, and he looked away, gritting his teeth. “Fuck, I’m close.” (Name) came suddenly, and how hard she tensed around him pushed Adam over the edge and he came right after her, burying his dick deep inside her and painting her womb.

“Shit, fuck,” he cursed through his orgasm, dropping his forehead against (Name)’s. “I love you,” he panted when he finished. His entire body tensed. (Name) just smiled, running her fingers through his hair. “I love you too.” Adam smiled, leaning down to kiss her.

When he pulled back from the kiss he finally pulled out, and (Name) felt liquids dripping down her inner thighs. Adam kissed her forehead before climbing off of her.

“Wait right here, I’m going to run us a bath.” He disappeared into his connected bathroom, and (Name) panted, coming down, while her ears picked up the sound of running water.

Adam returned a few moments later, scooping (Name) up and off the mattress, bridal-style. (Name) squealed, locking her arms around his neck. Adam lifted her like she weighed nothing. To him, she probably didn’t.

Adam carried her into the bathroom, where he’d drawn up a warm bubble bath. He stepped in, still holding (Name), and sat down, sinking himself and (Name) into the water. She sat in front of him, her back leaned against his chest.

Adam ran his hands up and down her sides before running over her breasts. (Name) shivered, her nipples perking up. Adam pinched them, and (Name) gasped, throwing her head back. Adam attacked her neck, sucking and biting, aiming to leave claim marks.

He pulled back and whispered in her ear, “Round two?”

#hazbin adam #adam x reader #hazbin alastor #hazbin angel dust #hazbin charlie #hazbin husk #hazbin vaggie #hazbin vox #hazbin hotel #hazbin lute #x reader #smut #hazbin lucifer #hazbin sir pentious #hazbin niffty #oneshot

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dollyhao · 6 months

Text

LET GO - part 1

summary: abby is your new bodyguard and takes her job very seriously, but your gonna help her loosen up.

cw: bodyguard!abby, sfw, nothing sexual in this part.

toni's note: new series yall! watch me only post this and abandon it.

╭──╯ . . . . . . . . . . ╰──╮

“but papa!” “i don’t want to hear it girl, you keep acting like a child, chasing all your bodyguards away. but i promise you this one will not be chased away so easily!” your father says before hanging up on you. you stare down at your disconnected phone with a frown, wont be so easily chased away? not him challenging you. who ever this man is, he won’t be here for long.

your phone vibrates with a text from your father telling you that your new bodyguard is on the way to your apartment. you have a attitude at the fact that your father isn’t getting the hint, you don’t need a babysitter. people in his industry don’t even know he has a daughter so this is all so extra. you hear a knock at your door as you walk over to it with a huff.

you swing the door open when your eyes widened. you are (pleasantly) surprised as you see the tall, very beautiful blonde at your door. she stands with a straight, stiff posture with her hands behind her back as she looks down at you. “it’s nice to meet you, ma’am. i’m abby anderson, your new bodyguard.”

fuck. you will absolutely not being trying to drive this one away, you think as you watch the buff woman walk into your overly expensive apartment. you watch her ass in her tight black pants as she observes her surroundings, you bite your lip before speaking, “how bout we go out?” if your father is going to pay a beautiful woman to hang out with you, you will take full advantage.

“we can do what ever you want miss.” she says looking at you. your face beams as you rush to get dressed. you and abby are going to get along great.

it’s been two months since abby started following you around like a guard dog. she doesn’t talk much but you don’t stop talking to her. in the beginning she was strict with herself, walking behind you and making sure areas were secure before letting you do your thing, but you slowly broke down her walls. now she walks beside you, even letting you hold on to her arm as you walk.

her stoic face melts into one of warmth that only you can see. it’s almost unnoticeable if you didn’t spend everyday with her but you see the warmth in her eyes and the slight upturn of her lips as she looks at you.

you were in your own world, looking out the window as abby drove you guys home after a great day of shopping when your attention snaps to abby’s hand that is suddenly resting on your thigh, giving it a slight shake. before you can say anything her hand is gone and you look up at her face, yours getting warm as she glances at you. “you zoned out for a minute.” she says with a concerned look.

you grab her hand that is sitting on the middle console bring it up to your face, “aww you were worried about me~” you tease as you lean over the console closer to her face. she looks over at you slightly pushing at your shoulders to sit back in your seat, “put your seat belt on miss.” she stops at a red light reaching over you pulling your seatbelt, she smells like pine and something else earthy but sexy. you take a long sniff and she looks at you with a quirked brow and a small smirk, you turn away.

“how many times do i have to tell you to stop calling me miss, abs?” you say pouting at her. she lets out a grunt and starts driving again. abby let’s you intertwine your fingers, holding her hand as she unconsciously rubs small circles on the back of your hand.

you two reach the apartment you now share together, she sits your bags on your bedroom floor before announcing that she was going to take a shower. you make dinner for the two of you and watch a movie, that you forced her to watch with you, as you ate.

“night,” abby says walking into the spare bedroom that’s now hers. “goodnight, abs” you say as you walk into your own room. your scrolling through your phone before bed when a loud lightning strike struck outside. you jump and squeal a little. “what the fuck,” you mumble putting your head under your blanket. it starts to pour and you feel like the thunder is getting louder and louder. you grab your pillow jumping out of bed to abby‘s room.

you knock on the door, when you get no answer you walk in quietly. “abby?” you call out as you watch her chest rise and fall, sleeping peacefully through the aggressive storm. you sit on the empty side of her bed shaking at her shoulder, she wakes up with a start, glancing around before her eyes settle on you. “what’s wrong?” she asks rubbing her eyes. “can i sleep with you?”

“huh?” she says not sure if she heard you, “i’m scared of the storm, bad memories.” abby flops back on her pillow with a sigh, before signaling for you to get in. you hurriedly crawl under the covers and scoot closer to abby. you absentmindedly play with her hair that is laid across her pillow. abby turns her head towards you. you slide your hand to her cheek cupping and rubbing your thumb over it.

the only sounds you can hear in the room is the rain pounding against the window and each others breathing. you two are so close that you feel her breath against your face, abby keeps her dark blue eyes trained on your face. you lean in placing a soft kiss on her lips before pulling back. abby slightly follows your lips before she places her hand on your waist leaning in to kiss you again.

your kiss becomes heated and you crawl on top of her, straddling her legs as you press your body against hers. the storm is long forgotten as you two run your hands over each other, panting into each others mouths. as your hand reaches to pull her shirt up, she grabs your hand pulling away from your lips. “we have to stop…” she whispers staring at your lips. she slowly pushes you off her lap on to the spot next to her.

abby sits up putting her face in her hands. you two sit in silence for awhile, you could see this was really bothering her. if abby is one thing, its serious about her job. “let’s sleep.” she says after a long moment. you nod laying down, abby scoots away from you leaving a nice space in between you two.

“i won’t tell my anyone…” you whisper to abby but she doesn’t respond.

#wlw #lesbian #the last of us #abby anderson #abby anderson x reader #i 🫶🏾 abby anderson #abby anderson tlou #abby tlou #the last of us part 2 #tlou2

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charlesf1leclerc · 10 months

Note

I have no ideas but i love to support writers so here we are

Charles with reader that speaks italian and french fluently, but they're not her first languages. and he didn't know that. So he's Very pleasantly surprised when he hears her talking with the ferrari people in italian. And then with his mom in french and he's all heart eyes for her😌

Summary- you learn French in order to make a great first impression on Charles family and Charles is over the moon about it

Warnings- poorly edited , badly translated French, mention of marriage

Authors note- I hope that this is ok and to your liking

It was a sunny evening in Monaco you and Charles where on your way over to his mums house for a family dinner. You were quite nervous was you had never met his mum before, you had met his brothers around the paddock and at races but you had yet to meet his mum and your really wanted to make a good impression. You ha doit your nicest dress on and tried to look as classy as possible not wanting to look tacky around the mother of the love of your life. You also had another little trick up your sleeve you had been learning a little bit of French so you could interact with the family in their native language, Charles hadn’t known you had been learning the language and you couldn’t wait to see his face when he found out , you just hoped tou wouldn’t miss pronounce anything cause that would ruin your prefect first impression.

“ here we are “ Charles spoke up

“ it’s really nice, this where you grew up” you inquired

“ yep this is where little Charles lived”

“ aww it’s so cute”

Charles came around and grabbed your hand as you walked up to the door. He could obviously feel your sweaty palms and he turned to face you before ringing the bell.

“ it’s gonna be ok Cherie, she’s gonna love you, how could she not”

“ yeah it’s just meeting your mum is a big deal I just want to make a good impression”

“ and you will “ he says pulling you into him kissing your temple before ringing the doorbell.

After a few minutes the door finally opened. “Bonjour”

“ bonjour mama” Charles spoke leaning in to kiss his mum on both of her cheeks.

“ et vous devez être o/n” ( and you must be y/n) she spoke turning to you

“Oh mum y/n dosent speak French “ Charles spoke this was your moment

“ c'est un plaisir de vous rencontrer Mme Leclerc” ( it’s so nice to meet you Mrs Leclerc )

Charles turned to you stunned at the fact you had just spoken such fluent French, he didn’t know you knew how to speak any other language other then English and he wasn’t gonna lie this made him fall in love with you even more.

“ oh tu parles français “ ( oh you do speak French ) she looked humorously at Charles.

“ juste quelques petites choses alors peut-être ne comptez pas sur mon français pour toute la nuit” ( just a few things so maybe don’t rely on my French for the whole night ) you laughed

“ well anyone nice to meet you dear, come in come let’s go settle inside and get to know each-other.

you and Charles followed her inside. Charles stopped you by grabbing your arm . You turned around to face him.

“ since when could speak French” he looked at you

“ since a couple weeks ago, I learnt some specially for today although I only know a few things I thought I might need to say “ you laughed rocking back on your heels

“ marry me “ he stared at you

You burst out laughing

“ what”

“ I mean I’m just so in love with you right now , you went to all that just for my family”

“ I mena i love you and I will do whatever for your family to love me”

He pulled you in to kiss your lips

“ your perfect for me” he looked lovingly in your eyes still holding your cheek.

“ you guys ok” Pascale shouted

“ coming mama” Charles linked his hand with yours as you walked further into the house. It’s safe to say the rest of your French knowledge paid of that night

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queenofallimagines · 2 months

Text

Needy Embarrassing sex with Sae

A/N: Daydreaming about this mans dick what else is new🙄😒 imagining he’s in charge of helping the new manager get accustomed to the team and he can’t help but let his eyes wander

EDIT: MDNI but here’s an audio reference for y’all who not picking up what I’m putting down💕 twitter link 🥰

Sae:

- this one gave me butterflies Ngl

- Bc I can hear his voice

- Like I said he’s a lot more Tame than Rin so he does have an occasional soft spot

- ESPECIALLY for cute little things who can’t even remember the name of half the teammates they’re managing

- Since he’s the best of the best coach obviously tells him to whip you into shape

- “Try not to scare this one off”

- “Not my fault you signed off on someone who can’t even fill a water bottle”

- The coach is praying for you fr

- Surprised that you take the initiative to approach him first to ask him about things

- “I mean you ARE the star midfielder right? You probably have a good read on everyone and how they work so asking you would be my best bet.”

- Okay he loves a go getter

- Pleasantly surprised that you’re asking good questions

- “I’m trying to get as much info as possible so this becomes second nature.”

- Gives you a through rundown of the schedule and what time they take breaks

- Obviously he’s a diva so he’s the most demanding

- Giving you a tour around the facilities

- “That’s the locker room. Wouldn’t recommend walking by here between the hours of 4:45 and 6pm”

- “…..I’ll keep that in mind.”

- Finds showing you around not annoying

- Once you get to the dorms he’s listing off everyone’s sleeping habits

- “He won’t wake up before 8:30 am so if you can manage that congratulations”

- He’s been eyeing you this entire time but he can’t help it!

- He’s a hard worker so anyone putting in honest effort into anything especially when it pertains to him catches his eye

- Not his fault you look good taking notes and analyzing your surroundings

- Stands back when showing you the rooms so he can sneak a peek at your ass

- You feel him glaring holes into your back but it’s not for the reason you think

- He’s infamous for being kinda a spoiled brat but he produces amazing results so who’s gunna say something to him??

- Lmao not I said the cat

- You don’t even peep his heated gaze until you bump into him walking backwards

- Turning around quickly to apologize before he can catch an attitude his eyes are quite literally undressing you

- This man’s whole life is sports so ofc he’s gunna find a track suit sexy

- Will play it off like he’s not embarrassed for getting caught

- “Cat got your tongue? Don’t tell me you’re just now getting star struck.”

- Mans is giggly asf in the back of his head

- He fr ain’t seen someone catch his eye like this in a while

- Logically getting his dick wet right now would be nice

- But also with the new manager on the first day??

- weighing the options in his head and the way you look up at him and go

- “What about you? What do you want from your manager?”

- He threw caution to the wind

- Everyone else is busy with practice and he can make up some lukewarm ass excuse as to why you guys took so long

- Testing the waters by letting one of his hands rest on your lower back

- Mamma ain’t raise no bitch so he’s relieved you immediately return his energy

- He’s not wasting anymore time and pulls you in for a kiss

- Mans is STARVED for intimacy like this so he’s definitely a little more vulnerable

- Like that’s definitely the reason your lips fit so well against his

- Why your body curves into his so nicely when he carries you to his bed

- Yeah that’s definitely it

- Feeling himself get embarrassingly hard so fast he’s feverishly tugging at your sweatpants

- “Let me make you feel good, there you go.”

- The quiver in his voice isn’t missed

- You have a once in a lifetime free pass to tease THE Itoshi Sae

- PLEASE TAKE IT!!

- Grind your hips into his while tugging at the hair at the nape of his neck and he will let out some of the sweetest moans for you

- It really has been a while the way his hands are shaking to pull off his own clothes

- Pull him down to kiss you, distracting him from his current task

- He’s weak for being pushed around a little

- Throws your legs over his shoulders without warning

- The way he’s got your legs spread wide for him and he’s eye level with what he wants has you avoiding eye contact at all costs

- Moving his head between your thighs he’s damn near moaning with his mouth all over you

- Holds your trembling thighs still right beside his ears as he shamelessly moans into your cunt

- “You taste so fucking good, gonna use my fingers.”

- This man has not had pussy I’m so long he’s acting FOOLISH

- If he even took a moment to BREATHE he would be giving you heart eyes

- The way he’s singing praises while sucking your clit and angling his fingers to hit your g-spot all at once

- Man is filthy, and he’s not at all ashamed like he’s grown

- Spitting on your clit before he starts rubbing it with his thumb

- While his mouth and other hand are busy getting as much of your taste as possible

- The type of man to need to lay a towel down no matter WHAT your doing in bed

- Very “wait I didn’t shave” “did I ask all that??” Energy imo

- He’s gunna have you cumming on his sheets anyway so what do all that matter??

- Looks up and sees you covering your face trying to keep your noises down and that shit don’t fly w him

- “Keep covering your face and I’ll tie your hands to the bed.”

- And he’s dead serious too

- Comes up to kiss you not caring if you taste yourself because he wants to feel your lips THAT bad

- The way he refuses to break eye contact only serves to make you more shy because they’re glossed over with desire

- making sure you can’t squirm away from him has he has you cumming on his fingers

- “Feel good?… Yeah? like how i stretch you out? Let me feel you come undone then.”

- Whew IK he talks you through it😫

- “Keep your eyes open.”

- “S-sae I can’t-“

- “You can and you will, pretty thing.”

- Feels your nails digging into your wrists as you clench around his fingers

- “Ah. Almost there? Make a mess f’me.”

- Almost came in his pants watching your eyes roll back

- Since he IS shameless he’ll lick his fingers clean as you’re forced to watch him

- Dramatic as fuck the way he groans about you tasting good

- “Let me watch you play with it.”

- Watching your small fingers curl inside your pussy as you mewl in embarrassment almost has him intoxicated

- Throwing his damn clothes anywhere

- He’s not too stupid to not tease you a little tho

- “If you’re that shy turn around and hide your face in the pillows”

- Nothing is EVER that easy with him

- Cursing and grunting under his breath as he slips it in

- “How about you set the pace. Fuck me how you want”

- Chuckles as you hide your face in the pillows while fucking back into him

- He knows how to put on a performance before all else too

- “Use my cock cmon, make me proud and fuck me good pretty.”

- He’s moaning like a whole ass pornstar head thrown back and everything

- Trying not to move because this is your “punishment” for being all shy

- Can’t help it when you look back at him face clearly burning and whimpering at how embarrassing this is

- Praising you which makes it even MORE embarrassing

- “There you go” “fuck me till I come cmon” “you can do it”

- Like bro SHUT UP😭

- However the way you’re squeezing him tells otherwise

- When he feels you come around him he grits his teeth and says a small sorry in his head before he shoves your face into the mattress

- Feeling you wrapped about him had him fr loosing his mind

- Might skip all of practice just to keep doing this

- “Mhm, you can cum on this dick.. i wanna see it messy."

- Stretches out his words and talks all slow

- He is an Itoshi though unfortunately

- “W-wait Sae, 's too much, you're too fucking big."

- Has you seeing stars like never before

- Clit pincher🗣️ hair puller🗣️

- “Sayin’ it's too much but whining for more? Can't make up your then mind I’ll decide for you.”

- Pushing you deeper into the mattress with his whole body weight

- Grunts and moans RIGHT into your damn ear because you’re squeezing him so might tighter shouldn’t he tell you how good you’re making him feel?

- “At least your cunt knows what she wants, pretty pussy sucking me in and won’t let go. Want me to fill you up that damn bad?”

- Failed to take into account that all he wants to do now is lay down and spoon you while you cockwarm him

- But alas this is the shared dorm and NOT his apartment

- And he has no clue how long y’all been at it

- Helps you clean up while wobbling slightly

- Makes sure there’s no trace of what yall did but the sheets to his bed being in the washing machine

- Nobody thinks nothing bc he’s an upper class brat who needs things to be pristine

- Some people get suspicious when it happens like 5 times a week though….

- He does all his laundry separate so there’s no one to see how your underwear accidentally falls out the pocket of one of his jackets

- Everyone congratulates you on somehow going above and beyond so well that The Sae Itoshi acknowledged you!

- He didn’t think after the first time that looking at your ass you’d be enough to make him embarrassingly hard in public but oh well

- “Continue in my absence I’m going to check if the manager has the new schedule.”

- A few people see red scratches peeking out his jersey but meh probably just the imagination

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upon-a-starry-night · 3 months

Text

Number Neighbors Pt.22

Natasha Romanoff x Fem! Reader

Natasha Masterlist Series Masterlist

Word Count: 2k

Summary: When you catch sight of the newest trend going around you know you’re all but bound to at least try it, it was harmless anyway. What could possibly stem from something so little?

----

If you thought it was suffocating to be the center of a room of attention it was ten times worse being the center of Natasha Romanoff’s attention. And yet, you can’t tear your eyes away from hers. Why was she looking at you?

You feel more than see the glares all the men send your way as she saunters over to you and leans on the bar in front of you. The proximity- Gods you were going to pass out for real this time. Would she catch you? She had quick enough reflexes for it.

There’s a scent that floods your senses that must be hers and it makes your head spin for the second time that night. You’d only gotten here twenty minutes ago.

You should say something. Anything would be nice instead of you staring at her like a starstruck child. Come on Y/n-

“Why do they have you back here making the drinks?” Did that sound like an insult? Oh god it did, didn’t it? You were dead. You accidentally insulted The Black Widow and now you would get flipped over a table and no one would bat an eye. At least you got to die after meeting her. Goodbye, world.

You slowly exhale and subconsciously lean away from her as you stare at the ceiling. Hypnotic eye contact is sufficiently broken as your heart pounds a million beats per minute. Maybe this was how she killed you. Just by looking at you.

To your surprise, there’s a playful smirk on her face when you finally muster enough courage to look back at her. Something in you skips a beat.

“Maybe it’s because I’m good at it” Her eyes track your face before she stands up straight and turns around, grabbing two bottles from behind her once again. You watch as she expertly moves through the motions of making a drink. It’s different from the one she made herself, this one has some type of syrup and fresh fruit shaken into it. When she’s done she pulls a glass from under the bar and pours the drink effortlessly into it, adding a little umbrella that you take a little too much delight in receiving.

She crosses her arms, once again letting her body lean against the cool material of the bartop.

You don’t hesitate to pick up the drink. You’d probably drink poison if she gave it to you. As you take a sip she adamantly watches your reaction. This whole interaction feels strangely intimate and you have to wonder if this is how everyone feels when they meet her. The rest of the party was long gone from your mind.

The flavors from the drink danced on your tongue and you were pleasantly surprised at how little alcohol you could taste. You were a little scared after seeing the labels on the bottles she’d used for her own drink but this was genuinely delicious.

Before you can tell her it’s good another man calls out to her. Her attention is sufficiently pulled away from you as she goes to give the man and his two girl friends beers. You sip your drink as you watch them interact but you feel your heart tighten when you see her giving a similar flirtatious look to the two women.

Ah. you understand now. She was just doing her job keeping the guests entertained. Stark parties had a high reputation, after all, they couldn’t have you leaving feeling unsatisfied with your visit. You carefully observed the way Natasha watched their body language, their eyes. Reading what made them react most. The same way she’d done to you. It was all an act.

You want to feel hurt but realistically what were you expecting? That Natasha would choose you? She was here talking to you and everyone else out of obligation not because she wanted to. You turn around and look for your friend, spotting her laughing as she sips a flute of champagne they were passing around on trays. You should’ve just grabbed one of those. Even if it didn’t taste as good as your drink. Hand-made for you. By Natasha Romanoff.

When you turn back around you almost jump out of your skin at the sight of said woman right in front of you. She seems proud that she spooked you and her little self-satisfied smirk painted with deep red lipstick is hard to look away from.

“So?” The raspy sound of her voice is a familiar sound from all of the interviews you used to watch of her. You tilt your head as you try to comprehend what she meant ‘So….what?’

“Am I good at it?” Realization dawns on you as you process the fact that she was referring to your earlier conversation

‘Why do they have you back here?’

‘Maybe it’s because I’m good at it’

Your first urge is to tease her, as it is with everyone you meet. You want to scrunch up your nose and tell her she should stick to fighting crime and then let a playful smile overtake your face but if you’re honest you’re a little too intimidated to even attempt such a joke.

Instead, you nod your head. Your spirits were a little deflated but that wasn’t going to stop you from having fun and meeting your literal hero.

“Any chance you’ll give me the recipe?” Something about knowing her flirtation was just an act made you a little bolder as you attempted your own flirtatious approach.

Her eyes fill with a challenging light and you can’t help but think it’s the same look she gives her sparring partners. You suppose their fates ended up a little more bruised than yours was going to “I suppose I could be persuaded”

Oh, so you were really doing this. Okay.

“Are you like this with every girl you meet?” You take the liberty to lean forward an inch, tilting your head and adapting the same look in your eyes. Even if it wasn’t authentic, flirting with Natasha was more fun and exciting than anything else going on at this party.

Laying it on thick, she leans in so she’s only a few inches away from your face. “Only the pretty ones” If the proximity didn’t already have you blushing her words certainly did. You could probably chalk it up to the alcohol but you both know that would be a lie.

“How Suave of you, Miss Romanoff” She waves you off

“Natasha is fine” You're more than willing to accept her permission to use her first name “and you are?”

“Y/n. Y/n, Y/l/n.” You offer her a smile but she stills. In a way you’ve never seen a super spy freeze before. (Not that you’ve been in the company of many but movies are a great source)

Something in her eyes changes when she looks at you. Her eyes drink in your face once again but there’s something different about it this time. It’s slower, her gaze lingers as it traces and drags through your features. What was with this reaction? Maybe you had the same name as an ex of hers…

When her eyes meet yours again it’s like she’s seeing you for the first time. Really seeing you, not just giving you sultry looks for fun or obligation. Natasha Romanoff was looking at you like you meant something to her.

Your phone dings with a notification and you look down to see your friend messaging you to come join her. You glance over your shoulder to see her smiling at you and waving you over. There’s a group of people around her that she probably wants to introduce you to and you’d probably spent far too much time at the bar anyway. But…

As you stand to leave Natasha takes you in once more and you blush. You can’t help but wonder what she was thinking. She’d served you a drink and kept you entertained, surely her duties with you were done right?

Why did her eyes hold so much weight to them now?

Why was she looking at you like that?

Nat didn’t believe in coincidences.

Conspiracies and coincidences and everything of the sort were things she tried her best to steer clear from. The stuff that followed usually resulted in bad news.

But if you were the same Y/n. Her Y/n. Then-

She hastily reaches out and grabs onto your arm, she’s sure you’ve turned to look at her in shock or confusion but her gaze is fixated on your wrist. The same bracelet from the photo sitting prettily on your soft skin. Skin that’s warm against her cold hands. She watches as a shiver travels down your spine.

Her eyes travel back up your neck to your pearl earrings. There were probably thousands of pairs of pearl earrings in the world- real and fake. But those were yours, she could recognize them. If anyone could, it would be her.

God, she thought you were beautiful before- flirting for a little bit of fun at this boring party, but knowing it was you-

All those nights hovering over your profile on her computer and using every ounce of self-restraint not to click on the file labeled ‘pictures’

All this time she was missing out on every aspect of you. Your captivating curious eyes, the delicate fall of your hair, your soft honeyed lips.

How could she have not recognized your voice sooner? She’d been listening to her recording of your phone call on repeat for days.

Her eyes met yours again and she felt speechless for the first time. And she battled real live aliens three years ago. She’s been through some shit.

She heard your name get called in the distance, your gaze tore away from hers to find the source of the voice.

A woman around your age is calling you over and you’re getting ready to go over and join her. But how could she let you go when she knows it’s you? All this time. You. She couldn’t wrap her head around what she was seeing. This had to be a dream.

When your eyes land back on hers they’re filled with an unspoken apology and she panics as she realizes you were about to walk away.

She wants to tell you “It’s me, the Nat you’ve been talking to”, wants to hear her name form on your lips and roll off of your tongue in your soft voice again and again but she doesn’t want to scare you away.

Not now- she tells herself.

“Find me later?” it comes out softer than she intended but your lips quirk up in a surprised smile anyway and you nod as your wrist slips from her grasp.

She watches you walk away and turns back to the bar, a genuine smile slipping from her lips. She could still feel the warmth of your hand against hers, there were so many features about you that she’d gotten wrong when she spent her nights picturing you in her mind.

You were more beautiful than she could’ve imagined.

For good measure, she sends you a text and watches you smile as your phone lights up. As soon as you finish typing her phone pings with the all too familiar notification sound.

Y/n🍦:

Nat🔪:

How's the party?

Y/n🍦:

You have no idea!

Nat watches the way you smile at your phone as you text her. Your friend gives you a knowing look and you playfully nudge her.

Returning to her task of making drinks, her eyes scan the room for you every so often to watch the way you smile at guests and the way you grip your friend's arm every time you laugh at something.

She shakes her head, chuckling, she was going to have to reread every text you sent now that she knows your voice, the way your laugh sounds, the way your eyes light up.

There was no way she was going to be able to keep herself from calling you now. And if you recognized her voice over the phone well- that wouldn’t be so bad anymore.

Pt23

A/n: I hope you guys liked their first encounter! Unfortunately the chances of Y/n recognizing Nat next chapter are pretty slim as there's still more to this story I want to add so please don't yell at me! Love you guys<3 ~Starry

---Taglist--

@marvelwomen-simp @cd-4848 @wandanatlov3r @rebeltombraider @ctrlamira @fxckmiup @aliherreraaa @natsxwife @la-douler-ne-finite-jamais @romanoffsgal @moistblobfish @natashaswife4125 @elenimoris @how-to-disappearrr @screechcat @toouncreativeforausername @ordelixx @autorasexy @blacklightsposts @vmpnano @jono723 @sylencr @saraaahsstuff @autorasexy @gay4hotmilfs @tofu9162

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msnanu · 5 months

Text

Libertine 09 | JJK

Libertines put value on physical pleasures, meaning those experienced through the senses.

❧ Series Masterlist ❧

⏤summary ❧ He has a reputation for being the most promiscuous man on campus, and you, well, you are basically him in women’s pants. It will be the very first time that Jungkook is faced with someone who is gonna make him question his feelings and actions.

⏤𝘱𝘢𝘪𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 ❧ f*boy jungkook x f*girl female reader

⏤𝘨𝘦𝘯𝘳𝘦 ❧ fluff, smut, angst, slow burn, teasing and lots of sexual tension.

⏤𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴 ❧ mature language, NSFW🔞

❧ banner by: @dojakoo ❧

Suddenly you felt shy and flustered under his gaze, his deep voice, that low tone always made you feel things. Your heart hammered in your chest as you watched Jungkook leaning closer and closer to your face. The only thing in your mind right now is how stupidly handsome he is. How perfect that scar in his left cheek looks on him and how you could get lost in that galaxy he seems to own in his eyes.

Anyone that would pass by your side would definitely sense the lust, the yearning and the tension between the two of you. It was as if there was some kind of invisible string always pulling you closer to each other.

“That depends. If I let you in, would you fuck me properly?”

Jungkook’s eyebrows shot up, taken aback. He should be used to your sincerity by now, but you still somehow manage to surprise him every single time. He ruffled his hair, heat rising up his neck and down his sweatpants. A dark look in his eyes that had lust written all over them.

“Haven’t I fucked you properly, Y/N? As I recall you were chanting my name over and over, both times.” He said as he ran his thumb over your lips.

You gasped and tried to maintain your composure. “You did. But you can do a lot better than that Jungkook. Don’t you think?”

Incredulous and thinking he hadn’t heard right; his eyes went wide again. You were challenging him. The wheels in his head seemed to have suddenly start to turn as he assimilated your words.

In a whisper-soft voice he continued “You really seem to enjoy provoking me.” Jungkook gave you his smuggest smile, which hit you square in the belly, sending butterflies fluttering in your lower regions and shooting tingly feelings straight between your legs.

Oh, you really want for him to fuck you so bad.

“I really do,” You stated, thrusting out your chin boldly, a tiny smile playing around your lips.

Your heart’s drum rolled a nervous beat, you felt your pulse quicken and that overwhelming brutal tingling returned with force.

Jungkook appeared to have noticed. He noticed all day how affected you were by his touch or even his words and it made every part of your constant teasing even more enjoyable. He watched you, his gaze sweeping up along your throat, lingering on your lips for an endless second, before he licked his own, tucking the bottom one, issuing a soft growl. He gave you another hungry smile that reached his eyes.

“Well, you might not be able to walk afterwards but with you I’m always down for it, baby.” Then he winked at you.

Rolling your eyes at him and laughing at his cockiness, you turned around and finally opened the door to your apartment leading your way in.

Jungkook was pleasantly surprised at the tidiness of the space. He recalled that once you’ve said that you had a roommate and living with someone else can be a little bit messy sometimes, especially when you are going through college, and you don’t have that much time to clean up. You seemed to have a large space in your two-bedroom apartment, not as big as his own but it had a nice homey vibe.

“Seems like your roommate isn’t here. Much better, we can be as loud as we want” Jungkook began as he inspected your living room.

You met his eyes, he had that look, that lust in his eyes, you could sense how much he wanted to have you right now and there, and you could also feel heat rising to your cheeks now.

“Y-yeah,” you stammered suddenly nervous again.

What the hell is he doing with you? Since when do you get nervous? Stop stammering!

Jungkook was enjoying seeing how flustered you were. What a show.

“Awww, look at you being so cute, blushing.” He stepped closer, reached out to tuck a lock behind you ear.

He then started caressing your face. You didn’t even flinch, but he could see you gulp as you said almost in a whisper, “I’m not blushing.”

Always so stubborn.

“Yes, you are, Y/N.”

He couldn’t keep up with his dominant act for too long because fucking hell, those eyes of yours made him weak. His fingers stroked the sensitive skin just below your ear lobe, where your pulse point throbbed, and you closed your eyes involuntarily. You were truly beautiful.

Your skin flawless, soft and warm, your lips perfectly shaped. Your hair amazing as always, tumbling down your back. Jungkook felt like he was the luckiest man alive at that moment.

Today you’d decided not to wear any make up. Jungkook had no idea he’d find the lack of it so attractive. It made him want to touch every inch of you, feel all of your bareness beneath his fingertips. He felt his cock stir and grow hard and fast; you were making him lose all control of himself without even touching him.

Your eyes fluttered open when you felt his thumb slightly stroking the very edge of your bottom lip, the skin so sensitive there it sent shivers down your spine. Your eyes were locked.

He reached out and with both hands simultaneously touched the soft skin of your shoulders, drank you in, slid his hands over the thin straps that held up your top, his fingers gently moving along your collarbones to meet at the notch. His eyes were feasting on you, every inch he inspected.

His gaze locked on your lips that had slightly parted, clearly begging to be kissed. Holy shit, Jungkook thought. This was a whole other level of exciting. His cock twitched. He swallowed hard once again. What had he gotten himself into? His heart hammered in his chest; his dick was throbbing in his sweatpants imploring him for release. His mind was completely blown as if it were his first time fucking you.

Slowly, trying to hide the trembling of his fingers, he began moving down to your breasts. He wanted to see them again so badly that he wanted to tear off that damn top. Easy, Jungkook, he warned himself.

His hands cupped your firm roundness. A small whimper slipped your lips, then you moaned as he pinched your nipples, hard and pointy, wanting to be freed and played with. He rolled them between his fingers through the fabric, sucked in a breath and groaned.

As your eyes met again, your head was spinning. You couldn’t wait for this hunk of a man to fuck your brains out. Tall and lean, though muscular, and strong. Those lips… they were really doing things with your mind. His bottom lip, plump and so very kissable. You could hardly contain yourself. Your heart hammered in your throat. Sparring was over.

Desperately you surged towards him, throwing your arms around his neck, pushing your hands into his hair, pulling him into you. Jungkook groaned and received you gladly, his hands moving immediately down your back grabbing onto your perfectly round butt, pushing you into him, while the other hand securely held your neck as your lips clashed and your tongues found each other, moans rising and falling.

That damn top needed to go too. He needed to see again and again what had felt so good. He slid his hands up your waist and ribcage and under that flimsy little crop top, pulled it off you, your hair releasing more of that intoxicating scent he’d noticed since he met you for the first time.

You smelled of sun kissed lavender with underlying hints of lemon, so exotic and like nothing he was used to. He needed more of this. He couldn’t believe how fucking needy he was for you. For your scent, for your lips, for your pure skin.

Breathing hard Jungkook tenderly dropped his forehead to yours, watching how your chest rose and fell, your perfect boobs finally his to take in. His pulse racing uncontrollably, his hands quivering once again as he reached to touch and massage those firm round, luscious breasts, rolling your nipples between his fingers. You mewled and panted harder again, bringing your lips to his.

You were riling him up like no one before. You tasted so good, and those tiny noises you made as he roamed with his tongue all over your mouth were driving him fucking nuts. He never ever wanted to let go. Your sneaky hand moved to cup his erection, which had been so deliciously bulging and the ridge clearly visible in his sweats.

“Fuck,” he breathed as your lips pushed and pulled, your tongues playing and teasing. “Yeah, keep doing that, baby. Make it thick and hard…” He kept kissing you, moaning in between as you continued to rub his cock that was begging for release.

You smiled into his lips. “I wanna suck you off so bad.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah… You’ve got a nice big cock, Jungkook” You whispered, rubbing him harder, pecking kisses on his lips and Jungkook groaned. “I’ve been thinking about sucking you off all day long.”

“I can see that…” Jungkook panted, pushing his hand down your back into your small clothes once more, squeezing your butt. “You like a nice big cock like mine to fill you up?”

“I-I do” you whimpered.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah…”

“What else do you want, baby? Tell me”

You wrapped your arms around his neck again, pushing yourself into him, feeling his rock-hard erection pressing into your belly.

“I want your tongue all over my cunt…” You said between lusty kisses. “I’m interested in that, too.”

“Are you now?” Jungkook smiled, returning your kiss eagerly. “You want my tongue to lick you?”

“Yes…Fuck” You moaned. “Yes, I do.”

“Lick you until you cum on my tongue?”

Your breath hitched. “Yes, please”

“Good. I’ll make sure that you cum on my tongue today, baby.”

At this point you couldn’t stop kissing each other until you pulled back a little and caught his gaze; your lips were moist, dark pink, slightly parted and swollen from his delicious abuse, you gently bit your bottom lip, gave him a mischievous grin while you took off his shirt, ranking your hands all over his abs and then winked at him while you slowly slid down his body. You squadded down to his cock’s level, looked up seductively and wet your lips.

Jungkook sucked in a breath and an “Oh shit!” escaped him.

With a deep moan you slowly pulled down his sweatpants and whispered a satisfying “Fuck yes”

Stunned by your eagerness, by your obvious hunger and thirst for him, his hands flew up to the back of your head. He looked down and watched in amazement, as you took him into your hands and stroked his shaft with a tight grip; sizing him up, circling your thumb over and around the sensitive skin of his beautiful head, then smacked your lips and greedily licked the drop of precum off the tip and then finally, after what seemed an eternity of torture to Jungkook, put him in your mouth.

The moist heat surrounding his dick made his breath catch and he grunted as his hands pushed into your hair as you took him deep, nearly to the root but not completely because he was too deliciously big, you went back and forth, licking, sucking, feeding off him. Satiating your hunger for that perfect cock. He tightly gripped your hair as you moved, while his hips went along fluidly with your rhythm, savoring the tightness of your throat.

Jungkook's moans rose making you more wet by the minute, he sounded hot as fuck. He threw his head back and closed his eyes for a second. He could hardly believe what was happening to him. Fucking hell, you were sucking him off like no one else had ever done it, and what a damn joy it was to watch you while doing it too. Holy shit!

His hands holding your hair in a ponytail, his hips thrusting in sync with you, your hand grabbing his thigh so tightly, the other between his legs on his tight ass, pushing him more of him into your mouth even though you couldn’t fit anymore of his cock. You were a moaning mess with his cock filling your mouth, and the vibrations of your moans were making him stupid. He was close to cum already.

Fuck! No. No… he couldn’t allow you to do that. Not today at least. Though he wanted to. Fuck, how he wanted you to. Take his cum in your beautiful mouth, swallow it. Swallow all of his creamy seed as it would squirt down your throat, drink him up… he groaned.

Reluctantly and with the greatest of efforts, costing him all his will power, he slowed his thrusts. “Baby” he soothed, “Y/N…” and eased out of your glorious mouth.

What a fucking shame, he thought, as he stepped back trying to catch his breath. Such a fucking shame.

But you’d asked to be fucked properly. By him. Pride swelling in his chest once more as he pulled you up and into a sloppy kiss, tasting himself on you and relishing it.

Yes, he was going to give you what you’d asked for. He was a man of his word after all. Not that he’d promised anything… But he was eager as if it was his first time with you, as if it he was going to learn what your clit tasted like, what your pussy felt like.

You quickly pushed your shorts and underwear down and kicked them away. Jungkook’s sanity went out of the window as you, shamelessly naked in front of him, breathed and almost sounding like a plea finally said, “Fuck me, Jungkook.”

You turned back walking towards your bedroom as Jungkook followed you behind and planted kisses all over your shoulder and neck.

As you approached your bed you made him look at your eyes while saying “I need you… to fuck me, now.”

Well, fuck, Jungkook thought. That’d also never happened before with other girls. You literally ordered him. And he fucking loved it! Sure, he enjoyed sex with the others, they got him off well enough. But this here was an altogether different experience.

The others never voiced their needs or wants. They let him take what he needed and allocated what he thought they’d like. It never felt equal. Satisfying, yes. Equal, no. And you being so bossy was making his cock twitch.

“Yes, ma’am!” Jungkook did a mock salute and you both started giggling like idiots.

You swiftly closed the distance between you two and push him into your bed while he also pulled you on top of him. You shrieked but quickly recovered, pushing up onto your hands, straddling him.

“Wait! Condom?”

Jungkook hadn’t even realized that he was about to fuck you raw until you voiced it out.

“Fuck. I didn’t bring any here with me.”

He saw you hesitate for a second before you spoke again.

“Well, I'm on the pills and I'm clean. Are you?”

“Yeah, I'm clean too.”

“Okay, then fuck me already.”

Jungkook had never seen anything more beautiful than this gorgeous bundle of enthusiasm, confidence and lust sitting on top of him, now lifting your bum to reposition yourself. Your hair brushing your nipples, perfect little rose-colored buds they were, standing stiffly to attention; your lips slightly parted with small noises issuing. He could feel your heat and wetness on his lower belly.

You were so wet for him, so ready to take what you asked for. It made his heart hammer even harder in anticipation thinking that he was gonna finally fuck you raw and he felt his cock twitch as you shifted backwards, looked down and reached between your legs to guide him in.

Jungkook watched with growing need, needing to shove himself deep into your slick warmth, his patience dwindling, his breaths growing ragged.

“Put it in,” he huffed and shimmied towards your opening.

A fit of giggles came out of your menacing mouth. You were such a tease.

“You want this, don’t you Jungkook?” You freaking smiled, then touched his tip with your wetness and shrieked in surprise as Jungkook immediately thrust his hips up.

“Fucking yes!” Jungkook snarled, his hands grabbing your hips pushing you into him and you throwing your head back taking his rams willingly, needily, your boobs bouncing as he kept pounding upwards into you.

Moaning loudly, you let him take the lead, rigidly kneeling above him to take his assault on your sex, soaking up the pleasure he was giving you like water on hot desert rocks. You loved that feeling of his cock sliding in and out of you, couldn’t get enough of him hitting you so perfectly, finding that spot that would grant you that much needed climax.

You could feel it build up, needing to chase that tingly feeling deep inside. You lowered yourself down onto him, feeling him deep within you and began moving your hips frantically, back and forth, pushing your clit into his lubricious groin, rubbing yourself against him with such need, that it only took you a few seconds to be so close you thought you were about to burst. Your breaths grew ragged and high-pitched as you chased to catch your release.

Jungkook could feel your muscles tense, clenching around him, “Come on baby, cum for me,” he panted. “Cum on my dick”

His hands on your hips, he helped slide you against him, watching your sex move against his, urging you on, then your breath caught, your lean body shuddering, falling apart in his hands, whimpering and slowing your moves, pushing hard onto him, trying desperately to prolong the exquisite feeling between your legs.

“Good girl, Y/N,” Jungkook whispered as his hands moved behind you, held your bum and quickly flipped you onto your back.

You again screamed in surprise, but happily received this new position, his hands all over you now, his lips kissing every inch of your bare skin, ravenously moaning, whispering tiny curses, biting, nibbling, pinching your nipples and massaging your breast until you writhed underneath him, then finding his way up to your earlobe, breathing “There’s more where that came from.”

“Yes, please, yes. Keep fucking me,” you wailed and tilted your hips up, trying to find his cock once more.

“Fuck. I love how you’re always so wet for me, Y/N” he groaned, reached for himself between your legs, slid the bulging head carefully up and down your juicy dripping pussy, then eased in and let you have it. He rose to his knees, his hand around the base of your throat, his thrusts hard and fast, panting, sweat dripping on his tight abs.

Your heart hammered a most delicious beat, loving every second of it. This was exactly what you had asked for, what you had wanted, needed. Jungkook seemed to know all your spots and tended to them expertly.

Here now, in this moment with him, you didn’t even care that your walls were thin as hell and your neighbors might hear you, as a matter of fact, you relished in it.

Jungkook felt your tightness close in on him, he wouldn’t last much longer. Your pussy being so seductively sweet and juicy, your vigor so alluring, threatening to take him sooner than he liked. He wanted this to last for so much longer. Especially now that you were pulling him down to him, your lips finding his again, pushing and pulling, breathing life into him.

Then suddenly you gasped, your legs spreading even further for him, pushing yourself against him, he knew you were going to cum again.

His heart skipped a beat, this was his chance. He had wanted you to cum on his tongue, he had promised you that. So, he slowed, pulled out, leaving you exasperated “No! Don’t stop!!”

But he got to his knees in front of your bed, pulled you to the edge, buried his face in your pussy and you shrieked once again in surprise.

“Oh fuck!” you moaned, and your hands grabbed his hair, pushing him into you as he lapped your mingled moisture on your folds, pushed his tongue into the hot opening of your pussy, then circled your clit, lapped at it like a cat greedy for the last drop of milk.

“Yes, Jungkook! Oh, fuck yes!!!” You shrieked as your shoulder lifted off the mattress, your abs crunching, pushing his face hard into you.

“Jungkook!!” you panted as you shattered beneath his tongue, throbbing, climaxing hard and your legs quivering; Jungkook’s heart gave a fantastic start at you calling out his name so very loudly for everyone to hear. He could cum just by hearing you moaning his name.

As soon as you relaxed your grip on his hair, he flipped you over once more, forcefully pushed your legs apart with his knees, then grabbed your wrists and brought them together behind your back, restraining you.

Holding your wrists with one hand, while the other held a firm grip on your shoulder, Jungkook fucked you hard and within a few thrusts, he felt his own release edging closer. While you cried and moaned with pleasure, Jungkook’s insights turned to fire, pooling at the base of his cock, bubbling underneath the surface to be soon released.

Growing pressure built in his groin, he would burst. Tightness grabbed his hips as he thrusted, sliding in and out, you compressing around him so deliciously, hot and slick. He groaned, the pressure consuming his crotch as he grounded into you deep, so very deep, your mewls music to his ears.

It was building again, you could feel the flame of desire in your belly creeping up your spin, lighting your skin on fire as it went, stealing the breath from your lungs. His cockhead was battering against your g-spot, causing the corners of your vision to go white. Jungkook had been close to cum for a while now, but he needed to make you come undone in a particular manner before he could truly be satisfied with himself.

No man had ever fucked you like this before. The pleasure you were feeling was extreme.

It felt like a star exploding inside you when it started. There was a warmth deep in your bones, spreading out through every vein of your body and fluttering up through your skin. Your cunt spasmed around him, gripping him so tight his hips slowed so that he could savor every ridge of your cunt and commit it to memory.

He gave you two more solid strokes to your sweet spot before stilling completely, he lifted his hips as he settled himself in you, knocking his cock head into your g-spot and keeping it there. With that you were crying out as you begin to gush around his cock, squirting all over it. Slick spurted forth and coated the hairs growing at the base of his cock, mixing with the sweat already dripping down his body.

Seeing you squirting all over his cock was the final straw that broke the camel’s back.

Jungkook squeezed his eyes shut. He tightened his grip on your wrists and shoulder to keep you from moving away, so he could push all of himself into you, every last inch buried deep in your glorious pussy. He felt his cock grow to its ultimate size and with one more thrust he exploded into you with raging force; he leaned forward, growling with every squirt, pushed into you tightly, held on for dear life, every muscle tense, his teeth biting down on the perfectly sweet and salty skin of your shoulder blade.

He shuddered and as the last wave of orgasmic rivulets ebbed away, Jungkook loosened his hold of your wrists. You moved your arms to the front to push yourself up on them and looked over your shoulder to watch him. Spent, he relaxed his bite on you, his forehead still between your shoulder blades, kissing your moist skin as he tried to slow his breathing.

“Fuck. That was so...” You managed to say, fluffing your hair a moment later, as he pulled out.

You couldn’t even finish your phrase, but Jungkook knew exactly what you were thinking. Amazing.

“Yeah, I know, it really was.” He said trying to catch some air.

Both of your thighs were trembling, finally giving in to fatigue as you collapsed into one another. Once you did, Jungkook didn’t waste any time kissing your lips once again, as if his life depended on it.

He was fucking enchanted with you. Every time you had sex, every time you talked, every time he saw you, he’d end up with overwhelming feelings that flooded his mind, confusing him more and more. He blew away those thoughts this time, trying to enjoy the moment, trying to enjoy having you in his arms.

Limbs entwined; you laid there for a while. A whine leaked out when your lips finally parted making him smile, but you were grateful to be able to breathe more freely. Jungkook kept pressing kisses along the curve of your neck in between breathes.

It would be best to stretch out your muscles after such strenuous activities, but you’re not ready to move just yet.

“We should take a shower.”

“Mmhmm”

The mumbling coming out of Jungkook who had his face against the crook of your neck made you giggle. “Are you falling sleep, Jungkook?”

“Just a little nap, please.”

“Okay, a few minutes of nap and we’ll shower afterwards.”

Truth to be told, you wanted to take a nap too. You were almost certain that your legs didn’t work anymore, and your eyes were begging to have some rest. It didn’t take more than a minute before you both were peacefully asleep.

A few minutes turned into hours of sleeping holding each other. You were the first one to open your eyes and you couldn’t help to smile seeing Jungkook by your side with his arm around your waist, holding you as if you were going to escape or something. He had the cutest pout in his mouth as he slept safe and sound. That really made you want to kiss the fuck out of him.

Wait. Since when you think Jungkook is cute? - you thought before Jungkook’s low voice woke you up of your overthinking trance.

“Are you one of those creepy people that like to watch others sleep?”

You giggled.

“No, it’s just that you looked too innocent and peaceful. Nothing like the real Jungkook”

“Screw you” he said laughing as he rubbed his eyes and stretched himself in bed.

“Well, already did that earlier.”

“Oh yes I did, and we can repeat that now that I’m fully recharged.” He smiled as he started kissing your neck slowly. It was incredible how a few kisses were enough to start a fire between your legs. He was addictive.

“J-Jungkook.” You pleaded with a shaky voice, and you don’t know where you got the strength, but you stopped him as he whined like a baby. “C-come on, we should take a shower and I should change these sheets too. We’re both sticky.”

“Okay, but I don’t have any clothes to wear.” He said as he sat against your bed frame. “Oh! Unless you want me to be naked, I don’t mind.” He joked and winked at you.

Rolling your eyes at him and trying to avoid taking one minimal look at his sculpted body, -because you knew you were going to lose it - you stated, “I might actually have something in my closet for you to wear.”

“Don’t tell me it’s one of your ex’s clothes.”

Scrunching your nose as if he’d said the most disgusting thing in the world. “God, no. It’s my best friends clothes, he stayed here a few weeks last summer because he was renovating his apartment and left some clothes behind. I always forget to give it back to him.”

“Best friend, huh?” He lifted your face, making you look him straight to those beautiful doe eyes. God, how difficult it was to be around him. He was making you feel things in your tummy and a little more south too.

You tried to maintain your composure without showing any reaction as you explained how you met Hobi.

“Yes, Hobi and I…we met through Jihyo, they share the same classes and we’ve been buddies for years.”

“And have you ever two….?” Jungkook asked, seeing you smiling.

Is he jealous of Hobi? He cannot be real. This was beyond funny for you.

“Had sex? No, never. He is like a brother to me; we don’t see each other that way.”

He must be blind- or gay-, Jungkook thought. Is not possible to be around you and not seeing you in that way. You’re mesmerizing. He didn’t know why but he felt relief when you said that you didn’t sleep with your best friend.

“Good.”

“Good?” That took a proper laugh of you. “Okay mister, enough with the interrogation, I really need to clean myself.”

He groaned as he watched you getting up while putting a silk robe you had on the side of your bed and went straight to your bathroom.

You’d turned on the shower as he followed you in, and let the hot water run over your bodies for a few minutes as both of you cleaned up each other.

Being right next to Jungkook when he is all wet, naked and cleaning himself is not good for your health. You were already losing it when you were in bed earlier, you wanted to kiss him and ride him until you couldn’t move anymore.

You definitely didn’t have any more strength to hold on when you finished cleaning your body and shoved Jungkook against the shower wall as he gave you a smirk and stepped in, letting him encircle you with his arms, feeling his hands drop to your butt.

You moaned as he squeezed, going a bit rough, but as close as you were, you could feel his dick squashed in between you two, twitching against your lower belly.

You were insatiable, you couldn’t get enough of him, and the good thing was that he felt exactly the same about you.

Jungkook kissed you, pressing his mouth against yours, slipping his tongue into your mouth, where it danced with yours, and his hands continued to massage your ass. Then you pulled away.

You grinned and dropped to your knees, and you wrapped both of your hands around his cock in front of you. Jungkook moaned loudly, closing his eyes and leaning back, when he felt your hands disappear, and then a warm, wet sensation as you slid his cock into your mouth.

You took as much as you could into your mouth, letting your tongue roll around it, before you started to bob your head back and forward. Jungkook let his hands entwine through your hair as you sucked hard.

He felt your hands come back up, one reaching around to grab his ass, while the other massaged his balls. Jungkook looked down and saw your eyes staring up at his face as you let his dick go with a loud pop.

You smirked up at him and gave the tip of his dick a little kiss before standing up.

This must be heaven, he thought.

"My turn," you said in a sultry voice, putting your hands on Jungkook's shoulders and swapping places with him so that you could be now the one leaning against the wall.

Jungkook smirked and kissed your mouth again, pushing you harder against the wall. He then let one of his hands slide slowly down your body until reaching your pussy. You shuddered and spread your legs as Jungkook's fingers rubbed against you, alternating between the clit and teasing at the entrance.

Just as his middle finger slipped inside, his tongue also pressed into your mouth. Your tongues fought each other, until Jungkook surprised you by putting in another finger.

You gasped into his mouth, and he pulled away with a smirk. Your hands, which had been against the wall, came down to Jungkook's hair, and pushed him down. Jungkook laughed a bit and let you push him to your boobs.

He kissed in between them first, going down the middle, before slowly moving kisses towards a side. He kissed slowly and circled the stiff nipple that you had tried to push his head towards, but the teasing, and the hand between your legs, meant that you didn't put too much effort into it.

Jungkook's head then pulled away, and you growled at him, before he went for the other side, going straight for the nipple. You gasped again as Jungkook sucked hard, letting it slide from his mouth, before rolling his tongue around it. He bit gently, just grazing his teeth against it, making you squirm a bit more.

He let your breasts go, and started to trail kisses even further downward, down your chest, then dropping to his knees, and across your belly, before arriving at your folds. You spread your legs a bit more for him and looked down to watch his tongue press against your clit.

You closed your eyes at the pleasure, leaning back as he had done, and let him kiss and suck at your clit.

“Fuck. You’re so so good.”

“Yeah, baby? Show me how good, be a good girl and cum all over my tongue.”

Fucking hell. He was going to kill you and your pussy with his dirty talk.

Jungkook pulled his fingers out of your pussy and let his tongue push inside you. It didn't go in much, but you did feel the pressure, and squeezed his hair.

Jungkook continued to lick, and you felt yourself going closer and closer to your orgasm. Then he sucked at your clit, and thrusted three fingers inside you, curling them upwards, and you lost it. He took out of you the most pornographic moan, your fingers pulled at his hair, and your thighs almost clamped together as you let your body win.

When it died down, you let your thighs unclench, and Jungkook pulled his fingers and tongue away. He stood up and kissed you slowly.

“It drives me insane how good you taste, Y/N.”

You looked at him in awe and grabbed his face kissing him harder, letting him feel what you wanted. You pulled your mouth away, kissing along his jaw, until you got to his ear.

"Fuck me," you whispered. Jungkook grinned, and you felt the shower water start pressing against your ass, letting you lean back a little more, and spread your legs much wider. Jungkook grabbed his dick and rubbed the tip of it against your folds for a second before pushing it in. You both sighed in pleasure as his entire length filled you up.

He went slowly at first, letting your body adjust, but quickly began speeding up. You wrapped your legs and arms around him, pulling him deeper, and hoisting yourself up. Jungkook grunted and pressed your back against the wall as he fucked you. You let out moans and gasps and started to use your own body strength to go harder.

It didn't take long before you started to feel Jungkook's thrusts becoming more and more erratic. You moaned extra loud at the thought of being filled by his seeds again, and pulled your body harder against Jungkook's, pulling him in deeper.

You heard him gasp, and then felt his cum explode in you, felt the heat as Jungkook filled you up. He shuddered, and you let your legs drop. Jungkook's dick slipped out of you, and, with a quick kiss on his lips, you dropped down and once more returned your mouth to his cock taking him by surprise. He couldn’t believe his eyes.

You sucked and licked him up until his cock was clean extending even more his orgasm as you felt his cock twitching in your mouth, and he kept mumbling curses and gasping for air. When you finished you stood up again, showing him your tongue, proof that you swallowed it all.

You smirked seeing his big Bambi eyes widened in surprise and spoke "You know, it really drives me crazy how good you taste too.”

Jungkook was amazed, you were perfect, you were gorgeous. And you were there with him. "God. You’re so fucking hot, Y/N.”

You grinned throwing your arms around his neck as Jungkook's hands went around your ass and he smiled you back. "And who knew you could be so sexy while soaking wet, Jeon Jungkook.”

“No offense but don’t you have anything less colorful?” Jungkook said sitting on your bed wearing nothing, but a towel wrapped around his hips while observing the yellowish shirt that you pulled out from your closet. You had already changed into new fresh clothes.

“Um. No, sorry, Hobi really loves bright colors. He didn’t leave anything black or white here.” Clearly hinting at the colors that Jungkook usually likes to wear.

“It suits you though.” You say as you see Jungkook hesitating.

“You think?”

“I mean, with that face and that body you might as well use a clown’s outfit and you’ll still be the hottest guy I’ve ever seen.” You said without a filter.

He tilted his head, surprised to hear something like that coming from you as he smiled widely. “And here I was, thinking you were incapable of giving someone a compliment.”

“That's because you have a prejudiced mind.” You bit your lip laughing. “I can give a compliment anytime I want, sweetie. I just thoroughly choose who deserves to hear it.”

“So, that means you think I deserve to hear it?” He finally put the shirt on and came closer to where you were standing next to your closet with your arms crossed over your chest.

“Well, you’ve been a good boy today. You gave me a fair number of orgasms. I think this time you really deserve it.”

“I can give you more of those today.” He said as he put his arms around your waist and caressed your face. You automatically closed your eyes enjoying his touch.

“You’re gonna be the death of me, Jeon Jungkook.”

As you opened your eyes again, you saw something in his eyes. Something that made your heart skip a beat. He was looking at you with such intensity, with a longing that even seemed like love. You felt nervous at the thought of it and quickly tried to brush away whatever you were feeling.

“W-we should eat something. I’m starving”

Not saying anything else, you freed yourself from his hold and turned to your kitchen to see if there was something left in your pantry that you could use to cook something for you both.

You heard Jungkook steps behind you. As you were looking something to cook, he sat in a stool next to your kitchen island.

“So, when is your roommate coming?” He asked with curiosity. Hours had passed by, and you were still all alone. Not that he didn’t enjoy it, not at all. In any case, it was better, you could enjoy yourselves without thinking about someone else being there.

“Oh yeah, about that, I'm living on my own now. My roommate moved out this past weekend.”

“Really? Did something happen between you two?”

“No, not at all. She was cool, but she already spent most of her time with her boyfriend and barely stayed here so she decided to move to his apartment. It made a lot more sense” You explained as you grabbed a box of Italian pasta from the pantry. “You like pasta? I can make some for us.”

“Yeah, sure.”

Later he slurped two plates of pasta as you watched him fondly and giggled, whoever heard the sounds coming out of him right now would think anything but he’s eating. “You always moan when you eat?”

“When it tastes this good, yes.” He simply said shrugging.

Afterwards he fought with you over who was going to wash the dishes – he wanted to do it, but you were refusing – PS: he won.

“You’re really good cooking” said Jungkook as he finished cleaning the dirty dishes.

You scoffed. “Why the tone of surprise? Didn’t think I was able to cook?”

Jungkook laughed along with you. He couldn’t stop thinking how much he was enjoying being here with you. Today he felt like this was the genuine Y/N. The one that just your close ones would be able to enjoy. A nice, beautiful and cool girl that could have the most enjoyable conversations.

You continued to talk for a while and then ended up watching TV in your sofa, both sprawled, your head laying in his chest as his arms surrounded your body. He couldn’t remember the last time he had spent this much time with the same girl and smiling at the same time. Maybe this never had happened him before.

Jungkook was slowly realizing that his dad was probably going to be waiting for him at his place, at least for a few more hours, just as he had said before when you left the restaurant with him. He really didn’t want to deal with his father again today.

After having such an amazing time with you, it didn’t feel right to go back to his home and listen the same old preach about being more serious with college, that his father was paying for. Jungkook wasn’t even studying something that he had choose to.

You lifted your head sensing that something was bothering him. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s just that my father must be waiting for me at my place at least until night, and I really don’t want to deal with him today.”

You don’t blame him honestly; you wouldn’t want to go back to your home and deal with someone like his father either.

“Then don’t. You don’t have to deal with him today if you don’t feel like doing it.”

Seeing Jungkook’s face was enough to know that he was still overthinking about his father and how suffocating it was to even have a conversation with him.

“Let’s go.” You said as you got up and grabbed his hand.

That phrase of yours made him stop overthinking instantly as he furrowed his eyebrows. “Where?”

“To my spot.”

“I didn’t even know this place existed.” Jungkook said as he enjoyed the most beautiful view of the city. “I mean, I came to Namsan Tower a few times before, but I never knew about this garden right next to it.”

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it? I always come here when I need time to sort my thoughts. It’s always so quiet and you still have amazing views.” You said with a smile plastered on your face. You loved this place. Whenever you had too much in your mind, it will always bring peace to you.

A few seconds of silence followed your words. Both of you sitting on a rock, surrounded by the botanical garden watching the amazing lights of Seoul that brighten up the sky when you suddenly decided to break the silence.

“I’m sorry that I lied to you.” His eyebrows furrowing when you looked at him, he clearly didn’t know what you were talking about. And he was even more surprised that you were apologizing to him. “About my dad.” You sucked in breath and took a second before saying “I lied to your dad too, you know.”

Okay, now he was lost. You didn’t say to him that your dad was dead, but you did tell it to his father. What were you lying about then?

“My father is alive.” His eyes widened but not fully understanding where the hell are you going with this. You understood his confusion, so you continued to explain yourself.

“He left my mom when he found out she was pregnant with me. They were really young; they were dating while still in college. He said he didn’t want a child at that moment. My father’s family is a very wealthy family and being part of the high society, they had huge expectations for him. His son had to finish his studies, get married and then have children. It couldn’t be any other way; it would be a disgrace for them if it did.”

Jungkook was soon regretting the way he felt when he heard that your dad was dead, and that you choose not to tell him. He didn't think that the background story could be this deep.

“I’m so sorry, Y/N.” He didn’t know what else to say. What do you say in this type of situations? You finally were opening up to him, and he had no words.

“Don’t be. It’s better off this way honestly.”

“Do you actually know who your dad is?”

“I do; yes.” You nodded as you kept your eyes in the sky above you. “My mom was always straight forward with me about it. She told me the truth about my dad when I was a kid, she never lied about who he was and what happened. But his family made her suffer a lot, they even offered her money to make sure she wouldn't contact them again. Of course, she didn’t accept it. Mom always told me that if I wanted to know anything about my dad, that I should just ask her. She made it very clear that she didn’t want for me to try to reconnect with him or his family.”

“But you did try.”

You nodded again. “Yes, years ago, right before moving to Seoul. I had the stupid hope that maybe after all these years my father would somehow regret his decisions back then.”

“What happened then?”

“I showed up at his office, said my name to his secretary, I knew he was gonna know who I was. He is the CEO of a big publicity company back home, it’s my grandfather’s company.”

Jungkook nodded as he listened attentively.

“He told me that if I ever showed up my face again there, he would find the way to sue me and my mom for harassment and make sure to take everything away from us. That he made very clear to my mother that he didn’t want anything to do with us.” You took a breath and almost chocked with your next words. “A-and that he even told her that he wanted her to abort. That last part was the only thing that my mom never told me. That's when I completely understood why she didn't want me to contact my father, she was just protecting me.”

And Jungkook thought his father was the worst. What a turn of events.

“That’s so fucked up, Y/N. How could someone be like that with his own daughter? What an asshole.”

You huffed. “Well, he doesn’t consider me as his daughter. Funny thing tho, when I went to see him, I saw a portrait on his desk of his real ‘family’. His wife and two kids. He has a daughter and a son.”

Jungkook felt so bad for you. How could it be possible for someone to reject his own blood? And just to maintain a certain social status. So fucked up.

“Listen, I’m not used to tell anyone about this because it’s just so fucking pathetic and embarrassing. Only Jihyo, Joy and Hobi and well, now you, know about it.” You said looking at him. The sadness in your eyes made Jungkook feel a lump in his throat.

“That’s why I lied to you and your dad. Every time someone asks me directly about my father, it’s always easier to say that he is dead. Which he is, at least for me. So, I’m sorry for lying to you about it.”

At this point, he just wanted to hug you and not letting you go. He now understood why you had always that defensive attitude. Not only your dad abandoned you and your mom, but he’d also threaten to sue you if you ever reached out to him again. The pain you must’ve felt was unimaginable.

He wrapped his arms around your shoulders pulling you closer to him as he planted a kiss in your forehead. “You don’t have to be sorry, it’s okay. And you shouldn’t be the one to feel embarrassed. The only one who’s pathetic and embarrassing is your father.”

“You’re right about that.” You said as you were resting your head in his shoulders with a little smile on your lips.

“Hey” He said softly as he looked at you. You turned your head up to look at him too. “If you ever need someone to talk, you know you can count on me Y/N.”

Your heart was pounding so hard. Your hand reached out to his face, caressing it with so much tenderness “I know. Same goes to you.”

He smiled at you and grabbed you by the chin connecting his lips against yours. He had never felt this close to anyone, ever.

Jungkook never was one to believe in silly things like karma. "What goes around comes around." Or destiny. If things like that were real, the world wouldn't be such a terrible place where bastard CEOs made billions and destroyed those beneath them then got to lounge by pools with billions of dollars.

He'd adopted a mindset of "don't hate the player, hate the game." He was never deliberately an asshole. Not once did he ever sweet talk a girl promising her a relationship and eternal love only to dump her as soon as he got laid.

Granted, some people may call him an asshole for getting women into bed then never talking to them again. But really, that wasn't his problem. If the girls wanted to get their feelings hurt over some dick, that was on them.

He didn't really believe in love.

At least, he hadn't before.

It was weird. Usually, he was ready to move on to the next woman as soon as he'd gotten laid, but Jungkook just wanted to see you again. Fuck you again. Pull you close underneath the sheets and enjoy the warmth that you radiated. Have you kiss his cheeks, his lips, his temples, his body.

He was so bad at feelings. Was it fear or was it pride? Was he ashamed of the fact he was scared of the new feelings he was experiencing? Either way, he didn’t know how to handle it. He didn’t want to admit that there was more to it than just the best fuck of his life.

Jungkook had been avoiding you for quite a while now; well, you hadn’t talk since he left you in your apartment that night after going to Namsan Tower. That was only two days ago, and he knew you were swamped with college stuff so maybe you didn’t even realize about his sudden lack of communication.

He wasn’t sure exactly why he was avoiding you; it wasn’t like you had done anything wrong, it was as if something was mentally blocking him after getting so close to you, it was too close for him. He wanted to go over to you and talk to you, tell you why he had been avoiding you but he couldn’t.

He spent these last few nights thinking and thinking before shutting off. He is not someone that could make people stay. Numerous girls had explicitly said that. The notion of ever finding love with his kind of personality? The possibility is probably zero.

It wasn’t complete rocket science that he held you in high remark, he admired you sure but love? He wasn’t fully sure; he was in denial. But how does someone even know they love someone?

Maybe he was spending too much time with you. Since you’ve started sleeping together, he unconsciously stopped sleeping with other girls. Maybe that was the issue, he needed to sleep with someone else and maybe all those intrusive thoughts would disappear.

Jungkook being Jungkook decided to deal with it the best way he knew how. He didn’t want to be an asshole, but he was about to be one.

It was easier to fuck another girl than deal with his feelings about you. So, he grabbed his phone and called the first one of the many girls that had sent him a message to hook up in these past few days.

Something felt wrong, but he did it anyways.

He needed to take you out of his mind for a while. Or at least he had to confirm if maybe these new feelings he was developing were just a product of you two spending too much time together.

What a fucking day. Your Philosophy essay didn’t go as expected. You had worked so hard and yet you failed.

"I'd like to talk to you after class, Ms.Y/L/N" Professor Baekhyun said to you as he slid your essay onto the table in front of you, you gulped seeing the big red F in the corner, the third one that month. All semester you've been failing his class getting more depressed with every sad glance he threw your way; every paper had that big red F in the corner, and you had just given up before he approached you.

You couldn’t even understand what was wrong with your essays at this point. You started to think the professor had some kind of grudge against you. Even if he didn’t have any reason to in the first place.

After class, you headed to his office steeling yourself for whatever he might say to you knowing it would be anything but good news. You stepped into the room seeing your professor sitting behind his desk, he gestured for you to sit in the seat in front of him.

"I'm guessing you know why you're here." You nodded gripping the hem of your skirt and looking down. You heard your professor sigh as he typed something on his computer.

"Well, the problem we have here is that you currently have a D- in my class and you need at least a D+ to pass, but I have some extra credit you could do for me." You looked up with hope in your eyes only to see your professor gazing at you with a dark look in his eyes.

He stood behind his desk making his way over to you, stranding behind you he ran his hand over the back of your chair before spinning you around to face him.

"Would you like to do the extra credit?" He lifted your head up making you look him in the eyes. Far from freezing in your spot, you got up instantly and you made your way to the door ready to run if it was necessary.

“What the hell are you implying, Professor? This is inappropriate.”

Sadly, you had heard stories about this professor. Everyone over the campus knew he had a reputation of being a disgusting libidinous man, but for you it was just that, stories. At least until today.

He also was the son of the dean which made it almost impossible that any accusations towards him were taking seriously. You’d tried to ignore the times you caught him staring at your cleavage or the times he’d got too close of your ear to talk to you over something related to the class.

Hearing the tone that you used to respond, the professor clearly understood he wasn’t going to get anything from you. His demeanor changed within a second and he furrowed his eyebrows, acting as if he didn’t understand what all the fuss was.

“I wasn’t implying anything Ms.Y/L/N. I suggest you calm yourself or I’m afraid you won’t have any chance to pass this class.”

You motherfucking pervert, you thought. You took a deep breath, just because you knew you had to do everything in your power to pass this class and never again deal with this pervert.

“Could you please tell me what I have to do to earn the extra credits?”

“Of course, you will have to redo the last three essays that you failed. By next week.”

What a pain in the ass. But anything is better than getting stuck in his class once again.

“Will do. Thank you, Professor.” You said swallowing your pride as you opened the door and left, almost wanting to barf at the falseness of his smile. It was disgusting.

By the time you were arriving to your building entrance, you were already with a unsufferable headache, and you were blinking away some tears. You had such a shitty day; you couldn’t believe the nerves on that pervert, and you were angry thinking that he has done this to other girls too.

You needed to relax, or else you were going to explode. Your mind went to straight Jungkook and his words the last time you saw each other.

“If you ever need someone to talk, you know you can count on me Y/N.”

Well, maybe you could hang out with him. You haven’t been able to have fun for the last two days since you were studying and working on your essays so hard. And it didn’t even pay off. You grabbed your phone as you sat in a bench outside your building and looked for Jungkook’s contact.

As you waited for him to pick up, you dried the tears on your face with the back of your hand, you didn’t want anyone to see you crying.

You were about to hang up when he finally picked up the call. He sounded a little bit out of air. “H-hey, Y/N. What’s up?”

“Hey, by any chance are you at your place?”

“U-uh, no. I-I’m on the campus.” More exactly, on the backseat of his car. With a girl on top of him that he doesn’t remember her name, sucking his neck, drawing hickeys all over it but he wasn’t going to tell you that. “Why? Are you okay?”

No.

“Yeah, I just- Um, I thought maybe we could hang out, but maybe I’ll better go to Jihyo’s.”

You did not sound okay. Not at all. He could sense something was troubling you.

The girl moaned loudly as she rubbed herself on Jungkook’s groin. Hopefully you didn’t hear that.

Your eyes widened as you heard what you were pretty sure it was a moaning from a girl. You felt like an idiot. You instantly regretted calling him.

“Where are you now?” Asked immediately Jungkook, putting his hand on the girl’s mouth to shut her up.

He didn’t even get a response from you, you just hung up the call. Whatever or whoever he was doing, you didn’t want to hear anything more.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. This hadn’t been a good idea, thought Jungkook. It didn’t feel good either. He stopped the girl’s hands that were roaming all over his body.

“I have to go.”

The girl looked at him puzzled. “What?” She tried to rub herself again on Jungkook and kiss him, but he stopped her immediately. She tilted her head saying “Don’t you want me to suck you off? Come on, you’ll enjoy it.”

“No thank you, now please get the fuck out of my car.” He said roughly, he knew it was the only way to get this girl out of his car.

“You are such a dick.”

“Yeah, I know that.” He mumbled as the girl left and he got to the front seat of his car. He just wanted to go and look for you.

You were staring at the floor, spacing out since you hung up the call with Jungkook. No more tears streaming down your face, but the headache was growing stronger. You just wanted for this day to be over.

“Y/N?” You suddenly heard a male voice near you. You lifted your head to see who the person was talking to you.

You knew this guy. Wait, no! You slept with this guy. And of course, you forgot his name.

“Mingyu, remember?”

Ohhh! That guy!

“Yes, Mingyu! Right.” He smiled at you, and you smiled back, not as widely as him but you did smile. Gosh, you forgot he was this handsome. “Sorry, I’m not the best when it comes to remembering names.”

“Don’t worry about it. I don’t mean to intrude but are you okay?”

“Actually no. I have a massive headache that I think it might turn into a migraine any time soon. College is draining my brain.” You said with a light chuckle as he nodded and chuckled too, you not wanting to go any further with details. “What were you doing here anyways?”

“I was on my way to the coffee store; I just finished a study session with a friend of mine that lives in that grey building over there.” He said pointing at the building right next to yours.

You think you remember something that he said the night you slept together, about him knowing this area because of one of his friends. Or maybe you’re just imagining things.

You nodded and stayed in silence while rubbing your temples, the headache was slowly increasing.

“Listen, I have some Advil here if you want. I always have some with me, every time I finish with exams, I end up with huge headaches from the stress.”

“That sounds so relatable.” You say as you chuckled again. “Um, yeah, if you don’t mind, I’ll go with you to the coffee store and buy something for myself, I really don’t like to take those kinds of pills without a drink.”

“Sure.” He said as you both started walking towards the coffee store, it was a few meters away from your building.

“What do you wanna have? My treat.” Said Mingyu as he looked at you.

“Oh, no, no, I’ll pay for myself.” You refused profusely.

You really didn’t want him to pay your drink. He might get the wrong idea. Or he might end up asking you out on a date. Oh, the headache is not even letting you think straight.

“It’s not a big deal, it’s just a drink, Y/N.”

Okay. He’s just being friendly. Okay.

You nodded. “An iced americano, please.”

“Sit here” He said pointing at the bench outside the store. “You should take some fresh air. I’ll order and bring it to you.”

This is so weird. This guy was being incredibly gentle with you, especially having in consideration that you had made a false promise of calling him back that morning after you slept together. You almost felt guilty of accepting his treat. Clearly you didn’t deserve it.

You were feeling your head was about to explode, so you got up and walked to the restroom inside the coffee store to wash your face with cold water, in the hopes of feeling a little bit better.

On the way there, you saw that Mingyu was already finishing paying for your drinks so you told him to put the Advil inside your drink so it would be diluted by the time you got back from the restroom.

Ever since you were young, you hated to swallow big pills because you always got this awful feeling like they got stuck in your throat, so you’d always put them inside a drink to make it easier for you to take it.

Jungkook had arrived at your place right before you got up from the bench and watched all the sequence of you talking with Mingyu and then going to the coffee store with him.

Who the fuck is that guy? Was all he could think of. Jealousy invading every inch of his body.

He saw as you entered the coffee store, said something to this guy who seemed to be in the counter ordering – whoever he is – and then walking towards the restroom.

The guy sat in a bench outside, opened one of the lids of the drinks he was holding and dropped a pill inside of it that he had taken from his backpack.

Jungkook’s brain started to make connections. Could that be a roofie? What if the guy wanted to drug you and take advantage of you? No, it can’t be. Maybe it’s just his drink.

As soon as he saw you approaching this guy again and that he was holding for you the drink where he dropped the pill, Jungkook got out from his car. You had started to walk away with the guy towards your building entrance and you were about to have a sip of the drink in your hand when all the sudden Jungkook appeared out of nowhere, hitting your plastic cup and spilling all its contents on the floor.

Mingyu observed dumbfounded the scene unraveling in front of him.

“What the actual fuck, Jungkook?”

“I saw him putting something in your drink.” Jungkook sounded so proud of himself as if he had just saved you from a pack of lions trying to eat you.

“Yes, because I asked him to do it.”

Huh? You asked him to put a pill in your drink?

“What?” Said Jungkook almost in a whisper.

You huffed and then gave Mingyu the most apologetic look, who clearly had a question mark all over his face, “Thanks for the Advil and the drink, Mingyu. I owe you one.”

Luckily, Mingyu got the memo pretty quickly and as he took one last look between the two of you, he said “No worries. See you, Y/N.”

As soon as you saw Mingyu was already a considerable distance away and you had enough privacy to talk, you gave Jungkook an stern look as you crossed your arms in your chest. “Were you just following me?”

“No, I was-” He cut himself, frustration growing inside of him. “You didn’t sound okay when you called me, so I came to look for you.”

“Well, I’m okay as you can see, you can go back to whatever you were doing, I’m sure you were busy.”

Jungkook ignored completely the way you implied you had listened the sounds over the phone coming from the girl he was about to screw.

“Are you screwing that guy too?”

You cackled. “Are you fucking serious right now, Jeon?”

Jeon, not Jungkook but Jeon. You were mad. And him, being petty as fuck, instead of letting the water calm, he kept pushing it.

“Is that a yes?”

“What’s it to you?”

“I’m just asking because instead of thanking me for taking care of you, you thanked him while acting like a bitch towards me.”

“Excuse me? Thanking you? I don’t need for you to take care of me, I already told you this before. I’m a big girl, I can take care of myself.” You said angrily.

The audacity of this man. Not even half an hour ago, you heard a girl moaning while you were talking on the phone with him, not only that but he also has his neck full of hickeys that you know they weren’t there last time you saw him, and he has the nerve to ask if you’re screwing Mingyu or not. You couldn’t take anymore the hypocrisy of his words. He was free to do whatever the fuck he wanted but so were you, so why was he interrogating you?

The next few words came out of you with too much anger. “You’re not my boyfriend Jungkook. So, stop acting like you are.”

Okay that sounded so much better in your mind. You didn’t want to sound that rough.

You saw him gasp at your words. He was about to say something but stopped himself, closed his eyes for a second and then looked at you again without any emotion on his face “Yeah, you’re right, I’m not your boyfriend.”

You didn’t mean to hurt him with your words. He was just concerned about you, and you snapped at him. But the fact that he was the one doing a scene after what you heard over the phone, was exasperating you.

You weren’t made of stone and even though you didn’t make any jealousy scene, you did feel a pang in your chest when you heard that girl over the phone. You hated that you were feeling all these kinds of things that you never felt with your other hook-ups.

You hated that this happened two days after you finally decided to open up with him. You didn’t want to, but you felt betrayed. You knew you had no right. But he was pushing your buttons, acting as if he was the one jealous when you did nothing with Mingyu. You were already too mad about what happened with your professor earlier and now this. You couldn’t take it anymore.

“Ugh, Jungkook… It wasn’t my int-” He cut you off roughly.

“Fuck off, Y/N. I don’t need this kind of bullshit; you are just a good fuck. I shouldn’t be wasting my time with you.”

Eyes widened as you saw him leave, astounded because he never treated you like this before. It crossed your mind for a split second to stop him, but the moans started replaying in your head non-stop as your headache turned finally into a migraine, it was even hard to keep your eyes opened. You just turned around towards your apartment and huffed. “Asshole.”

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⏤ author's note❧ Well, this chapter took longer that I thought! 😅 But as I said before, I want to give you my best, guys. This chapter is by far my favorite one yet of the series, hope that it is for you too 💜. Please, let me know what you think! Don't hesitate on leaving your feedback, reblog, send asks, whatever you'd like. 🥰

⏤ tag list❧ @chimsworldsstuff @ahgasegotarmy116 @whoa-jo @aloverga @coralmusicblaze @ericawantstoescape

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the-californicationist · 4 months

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Good Fences (Fluffuary #06)

FEB06: Acts of Devotion

You awoke the next morning to a loud banging outside your window. It was early enough that your alarm still hadn’t gone off. At first, you were scared, but when you glanced outside and saw the broad, strong back of your handsome neighbor, you were pleasantly surprised.

John was wearing suede working gloves with no shirt, wielding a hammer, and building something against the shared wall of your apartments. You slid the door ajar and wrapped your blanket around your shoulders to preserve what little modesty you had left for this man.

“John?”

“Oh, sorry, love. Didn’t mean to wake you,” he smiled and began to affix another piece of wood to his creation.

“What is this?”

“You were talkin’ about your tomatoes,” he said, not pausing his work, “Needin’ a trellis, innit that right?”

“Wow,” you took another look at his work and put a hand on his shoulder to get his attention. You needed him to hear your gratitude, “John, this is so kind of you. Thank you.”

He towered over you on the porch, and you realized how close you had been standing to him. John was looking down into your face, taking in your words, wrapping them up in his mind and saving them for later.

He took a gloved hand and tilted your chin up just a bit, as if he might kiss you. You spent ages there, locked in his gaze, breathing the same air, feeling the wind on your cheek and his strong finger on your jaw. But, at the last moment, he turned away, going back to his work.

You spent the better part of the day working. There were two students who really needed support, and you wanted to do your best for them. You were worn out, and as the afternoon faded away to the evening time, you’d forgotten that you had promised you’d make dinner tonight for John. It was a Wednesday, and those were always your days for dinner.

When he showed up with a whiskey and a wine, you nearly burst into tears. You held it together, but barely.

“John, today was an absolute shit show. I haven’t even had time to breathe, much less do dinner. And after you built my trellis for me; I feel terrible for letting you down. Can you please forgive me?”

“Don’t worry, love. I saw you workin’ while I was cleanin’ up outside, and I called Antonio’s an hour ago. Check the bag.”

He set all of his gifts down on your counter for you to inspect. You peered inside and saw what he had done.

“Oh, my God,” you opened the bag he’d brought and there were two warm pasta carbonara dishes waiting for you. Breadsticks included. “John, you didn’t.”

“You’re busy savin’ the world, love. Feels good to be able to do somethin’ nice for you, if you’ll let me. I know I’m your neighbor, and I know that makes things complicated… but, I like you. And I like spending my time on you. Is that alright?”

You stepped into his space, just as you’d been standing on the porch, and you felt his heavy hands wrap around your waist, cradling you in his strong arms. Then, he cupped your cheek with a warm palm, holding your face up to his. His voice was a ragged whisper,

“If it’s not alright, you’ve gotta tell me now. ‘Cause I can’t stop thinkin’ about you.”

You wrapped your arms around his neck and kissed him, crashing your lips against his. You felt him react almost immediately, smiling against your mouth, kissing you back. You felt his tongue slide against yours, opening you up to him, tasting you and holding you tightly.

He only pulled away when you did. Smiling with you, and laughing a bit to himself,

“Bloody hell, I’ve been waiting for that, love.”

“Me, too,” you confessed.

You were determined to show John how you truly felt about him, so the next day, you knocked on his door, packed and ready to take him on a whole slew of adventures just for him. You’d bought tickets to the local soccer match, and you’d booked an evening at a cigar bar downtown. You’d even planned a small picnic for lunch, but when he opened the door, you felt a lump in your throat. Something wasn’t right.

He was on the phone, and he held a finger to his lips, asking you for silence as you came into his apartment. You shut the door behind you as quietly as you could and sat with him on his couch. He was answering questions in yes and no statements, and you could tell he wanted to fill you in, so you waited patiently.

Then, he hung up, and he threw his phone down on the coffee table with a loud thud.

“Bad news, love.”

“What is it? Are you alright?”

He took your hands in his and sighed,

“I’ll be overseas for… work. But, I’ll be back here the moment it’s done.”

“Overseas? For how long?” You put your hands on his cheeks, studying his blue eyes for some answers.

He smiled, but it was a sad one,

“A while.”

When he kissed you this time, it felt like goodbye, and you prayed that it wasn’t.

Check out the schedule here.

AO3 Link

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tteokdoroki · 1 year

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☆༉ — KATSUKI BAKUGOU. love island’s heart rate challenge.

about. you’re the bombshell katsuki tells her not to worry about. i just wanted to hop on the love island!bakugou trend because i finally managed to catch up and watch some.

warnings. suggestive. minors & ageless blogs do not interact. implied cheating but not really bc it’s love island, british slang lol, lap dances, making out, saucy outfits & fem!reader.

the girl bakugou couples up with has been worried about you from the moment you first stepped into the villa.

and rightly so.

you’ve had almost every boy charmed since your arrival. kirishima made you lunch on your first day, todoroki and sero eagerly followed you for a chat by the pool to express their interest in you at the party hosted in your honour on night one. but you, you had your sights set on katsuki bakugou.

as a bombshell, you’d been given the power to choose any guy you wanted to take on a first date to the sandy shores of Majorca — with crystal clear waters, fresh fruits and champagne as your wingmen. and while you had initially picked bakugou for his sharp jaw line, mysterious wine red eyes and obviously the rest of his good looks (those abs looked like they were taken straight from a magazine) you were pleasantly surprised by how warm he was. his eye contact was strong, the raspy lilt to his voice was both alluring and calming and he seemed genuinely interested in you as a person and not because you were his type down on paper (though that was a bonus).

you laugh and smile about where you grew up, your favourite things and your red flags and by the end of the date — bakugou is feeding you fruit and helping you stand with a warm hand wrapped around your wrist. “s’only been a few days so i’m not completely closed off,” he mumbles a little too fast. “i’m open to getting to know you.”

you want to get to know him too.

you don’t tell the girls this when they crowd around you with blinged out bikinis and coconut scented sunscreen to ask you how your date went. you’d rather keep your cards close to your chest, but you tell them how nice bakugou is, how sweet he is. some of the girls can instantly tell how much he’s into you. bakugou’s match doesn’t say much.

“obviously, i don’t want to step on anyone’s toes.” you expressed politely to the girls, your eyes doe eyed and bright, voice level and sweet. “i’ve come in at a difficult point, so i’ll just get to know everyone and let the boys know that the ball is in their court.” you don’t care if it makes you seem fake, but you don’t have any plans on leaving the island without bakugou on your arm.

the rest of the week is spent hopping between the boys, wearing all of your most sizzling swimsuits and pyjama sets — knowing that katsuki’s eyes are following you everywhere around the villa. he makes you iced coffees and scrambled egg with toast at breakfast times. he likes you and you like him and it’s causing problems with the girl the blonde is coupled up with.

on the fourth day, you get a text whilst in the pool — schmoozing with bakugou’s rival, deku. you announce it while he smooches up your ankle, making bakugou see flashes of red “islanders, it’s time to see how much of your heart truly belongs to the person you’ve coupled up with. tonight we’ll test that #heartratechallenge #peepthepulse!”

it’s then that you know exactly what to do. exactly how to get your man.

the producers supply you with a cute little number, one that you specifically request in bakugou’s favourite colour — the burnt orange lace of your corset and tiny shorts contrasting perfectly against your skin, accompanied by thigh high socks that squeeze around the plush flesh. your new best friend in the villa helps you smoke out your eyelids and touch up your makeup for the perfect look while she tells you that you look good enough to eat.

and you are. when it’s your turn to get those hearts racing — you stand before the boys at the fire pit who drink you in like a tall glass of water on simmering hot day and eat up your curves highlighted in your skimpy little outfit like men starved. you start with sero and make your way down the line, taking his finger into your mouth before kissing up his arm and right to his ear once you’re in his lap. todoroki digs his thumbs into your waist when you throw it back on him, kirishima let’s out a low whistle when you give him extra special treatment and a kiss on the neck (courtesy of being bakugou’s best friend), you let kaminari feel up and down your curves and nibble on your ear.

bakugou is rigid in his place by the time you reach his rival izuku — and you put on an extra show, pulling the man to a stand and grinding on him like nobody’s business. the boys holler and whoop and scream, practically sweating at the show you put on for them.

when you reach the blonde, you crawl into his lap tantalisingly slow, his rough hands instinctively coming up to cup your thighs — smooth over the skin as katsuki leans back in his seat and manspreads to make room for you.

“hi handsome,” you greet him with an innocent purr, running your hands up to the back of his neck to toy with his baby hairs.

you’re so close to him that he can feel your heat spread through his soul and burn him from the inside out — replacing any memory of the girl that he’s coupled up with. “hi gorgeous, what took ya so long?”

“i wanted to save the best for last.”

bakugou’s cheeks flood with a red that rivals his eyes when you grind down into him, calculatedly placing your lips inches away from his thumping pulse point. you grab at his hair and he grabs at you, practically groping one another as you ghost over his lips, tease him with the prospect of a kiss. he can hear his own heart thundering through his ears, the blood rushing to his head (and between his legs) making him too dizzy to even think. saliva pools in bakugou’s mouth as you make a mess of him without even trying, rolling yourself in his lap, shaking your ass against him, whispering filthy shit into his ear even though the mics can pick it up.

to wrap it up, when you slide off of katsuki, you pretend to drop something — standing up sensually to give him a little treat. his eyes clearly glued to your cute behind.

by the time your turn is over, katsuki knows that he’s done for. he wants you, and the way your vanilla perfume lingers on his sun licked skin. he’s in a daze for the rest of the game and doesn’t even notice the way his girl’s face twists at the sight of your lipstick prints all over him.

neither of you can hide your faces when deku begrudgingly announces “the girl that raised bakugou’s heart rate the most was….” and your name follows suit. you offer up your most winning smile, giving the blonde those “fuck me eyes.” that really get him going from across the fire pit and he can’t help but smirk back.

the boys clap for him but the girl he’s coupled up with gives you a look that could kill.

before it all comes to head, katsuki approaches you and your best friend by the bar — hands tucked into his lose cargo pants, silver dog tags around his neck glinting around his thick neck as he juts his head in the direction of the sunbed’s.

“can i pull you for a quick chat?” he grunts and you grin, offering him your hand despite the stares from the other islanders. you want katsuki bad, so you’ll be as controversial as you want — no matter who’s coupled up with who. “obviously, i like you, a lot.” he starts, helping you sit down, hand around your wrist and eyes full of admiration.

since you’ve come into the villa all he can think about is you, your laugh and your smile. to say his head was turned would be an understatement. katsuki bakugou is crushing hard on you.

“i think you can tell, ‘specially from how that challenge went.” it’s hard for him to open up like this and admit it to you, but your connection goes beyond your beauty and bakugou feels himself gravitating towards you more than his old match. he doesn’t want to pass this up, maybe lose you to izuku. “i said i was open, but i think… if you picked me. i’d be completely closed off for you. i want you like that. if you’d want me too.”

he fiddles with your hands nervously as you sit opposite him, all dolled up with shiny eyes and glossy lips under the evening sky. you think katsuki couldn’t get any cuter which only solidifies your choice.

“i’ve only ever wanted you since i came here, katsuki. i feel like we get each other,” inching forward until you’re a breath’s width apart, you tenderly brush a blonde lock away from his pretty face. “i wanna be yours just as much as you wanna be mine.” you add, quietly.

and you don’t care if your next move makes you shady or betrays anyone’s trust — but you came into the villa looking for love and you think you’ve genuinely found it within katsuki. so you lean forward, pressing your lips gently against his and squeak in surprise when bakugou reciprocates almost instantaneously. he cups the back of your head, deepening the kiss and pushing his tongue past the boundaries of your soft lips to tangle with your own.

“your lip gloss tastes like shit.” bakugou pulls away with a grumble, but his face breaks out into a wide and accomplished grin. “c’mere, kiss me again.”

“m’kay,” you tilt your head towards him, your own expression light with laughter, and place your hand over the one that cups your cheek. “i like kissing you.”

“i like kissing you too.”

smiling again, you squish bakugou’s cheeks. “so does this mean you’re picking me at the next re-coupling?”

katsuki nods dumbly, wanting nothing more to pull you into his lap. he knows they’ll be drama tonight, dealing with the last girl, his sleeping arrangements and yours — but he doesn’t care. he just wants to share this moment with you.

“i’ll pick you a thousand times over. at this re-coupling and every single fuckin’ one after.” katsuki reaffirms, knowing that he’s absolutely fucked up and in love.

and that’s enough for you to kiss him all over again.

#bakugou x reader #bakugou x you #bakugou thirst #bakugou smut #bakugou imagine #bakugo x reader #bakugo x you #bakugo thirst #bakugo smut #bakugo drabble #bakugou katsuki x reader #bnha x reader #bnha x you #bnha thirst #bnha smut #mha x reader #mha thirst #✧ ₊˚੭ — writing #tteokdoroki

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daizymax · 1 year

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let loose | hhj (m)

summary: it's a party, and your roommate said you should loosen up once in a while, so why is he upset when you start making out with one of his friends?

pairing: hyunjin x fem reader

genre: smut

word count: 6.2k

rating: mature (18+)

warnings & features: roommate!hyunjin; profanity; alcohol consumption; some name-calling (reader calls hyunjin an asshole and an idiot one time each); jealousy; jisung is briefly featured only to be used for very poor plot purposes i'm so sorry; graphic sexual content; dirty talk; vaginal fingering; protected sex

author's note: reuploaded from my old blog with some edits (nothing major though). hope you enjoy!

( click here to read on AO3 instead )

---

It’s not the book’s fault, yet you still take your frustration out on it by slinging it across your bedroom after the - not third, not fourth, but - fifth drunken guest stumbles into your closed door.

“I swear to god,” you groan, tossing aside your comforter to begrudgingly pull on a pair of pants and step out of what was supposed to be your safe haven for the night.

Into the fray it is, then.

Whichever culprit tripped into your door a moment ago is not in the hallway anymore. From the living room and kitchen, you can hear laughter and chatter straining to be heard over the booming music. And as you pass the bathroom, you lock eyes with a young man and glimpse someone in there behind him before he closes the door.

Sighing, you make your way to the living room. Nothing appears to have been destroyed, you note gratefully, but the “small gathering” is clearly busier and rowdier than what your roommate had promised. He’s not here in the crowded living room, though, so you move to check the kitchen next, pushing and squeezing past bodies with mumbled apologies as you go.

You find Hyunjin upending a bottle of tequila into a row of shot glasses. Half of his nearly shoulder-length blond hair is gathered in a knot behind his head, looking maddeningly elegant when the same hairstyle on anyone else would look messy at best. His white button-down shirt hugs his shoulders nicely, and the sleeves are folded up near his elbows, giving a clear view of the tendons in his forearms flexing beneath smooth, creamy skin as he works. It’s a simple look, but his entire appearance is still too well-kept for this hour and setting, in your opinion. You’ve always held the belief that Home is a safe place to not give a shit how you look, not a place to be looking like… that.

He spots you and smiles, though you notice a hint of sheepishness in his eyes as well. He’s pleasantly surprised to see you, but he’s also aware you’ve been disturbed on his account. Even still, he doesn’t greet you with a due apology. He keeps his tone light and carefree as he calls out: “Hey! Did you change your mind about joining the fun? You want a shot?”

You make a face. “Ick, no, tequila is such a nasty drink,” you decline. When you get close enough, you lean into his shoulder and mutter, “What the fuck, dude, you said a 'few' people. And it’s two A.M.”

He turns to consult the clock over the stove and shrugs. “Perfect time for things to be in full swing then, I’d say. And you must not be doing your shots right, babe.” He gestures toward a bowl of lime wedges, and you vaguely wonder when he picked those up because you certainly didn’t purchase them yourself.

“I know how to do a tequila shot, asshole. But still,” you dismiss without elaborating further. “I’m going back to bed. Can you try to keep your friends away from my room, please? They keep fucking bumping into my door. Oh, and if they need a bathroom, tell them to use yours because I think a couple of them are hooking up in the guest one right now.”

Hyunjin’s eyes widen momentarily, then crease in amusement. He leans to the side and shouts behind you, “Yo, Jisung! Where’d Jisung go? Hey! Someone tell him Minho is-”

You’re not interested in hearing Minho’s story or what Jisung has to say about it, whoever they both are. You’re only interested in preserving some semblance of sanctity in your home, so you get back in your roommate’s face and cut him off with a terse warning. “Hyunjin, please, I’m serious. Keep it civil in here.”

“Okay, ‘mom,’ jeez.”

You toss your hands up in defeat and spin on your heel to storm off, but he catches your bicep.

“No, wait, I’m sorry, Y/N, really,” he says more sincerely when he gets you to turn back around. You cross your arms and wait for more. “We’ll be good, and I’ll make sure everyone is out in an hour, even if I have to personally drive them all home myself,” he promises, going dramatically over the top to show you how serious he is. “But you really should just join us, you know. I’ve told you you’re welcome to.”

You roll your eyes. “Of course I am. I fucking live here.”

“Exactly. This is your home, so you should let loose once in a while.”

“And what could I possibly gain from getting drunk with you and your friends?”

“Uh, the experience of actually having fun for once? And the pleasure of our - well, mainly my - amazing company?” Hyunjin answers with a tone and a face that tells you it should have been obvious.

“Yeah, right,” you snort.

“Just let me see you have one shot, babe. Humor me. Pretty please?”

You eye the pitiful, pleading look on his pouty face, then the spread of liquor on the sticky countertop, and eventually cave. “Fine, where’s the salt?”

Hyunjin watches in delight as you lick the back of your hand to prepare it for the salt. As you’re sprinkling it on, someone joins the two of you in the kitchen.

“Hey Hyunjin, were you just calling me?” He doesn’t wait for the answer to that before he’s going on, “Who’s this? I don’t think we’ve met.”

You turn to face the newcomer and stretch out your unsalted hand. “Hey, I’m Y/N, Hyunjin’s roommate.”

“Oh!” He takes your hand in both of his and squeezes it enthusiastically. “Good to finally meet you. I’m Jisung.”

You throw a cheeky smile at your roommate as you grab one of the shot glasses. “Why do I get the feeling I’ve been talked about behind my back?” you ask neither of them in particular, though Hyunjin at least has the decency to blush over being caught.

“Nothing bad,” Jisung rushes to clarify. “Hyunjin’s just mentioned you sometimes, like whenever something reminds him of you or- something.”

His abrupt finish makes you think Hyunjin just gave him some kind of shut-the-fuck-up look, but you missed it. You don’t press for details, though. You just go about getting through the shot you were so easily talked into. So you lick the salt from your hand, down the tequila in one burning swallow, then bite into the flesh of a lime wedge in sequence as quickly as you can while the boys watch.

“Awful. Just awful,” you declare when you’re finished, smacking your lips and clicking your tongue in disgust.

Jisung chuckles and Hyunjin claps your back rather proudly as he takes the bitten lime wedge to throw it away.

“Do you like beer? We can drink beer instead,” Jisung suggests.

You look to see if he is in fact speaking to you, which does appear to be the case from his smile and hopeful eye contact.

Before you answer, you take the time to give him a proper once-over. He’s very attractive, but it’s not as instantly noticeable as with Hyunjin. Something in the way his smile begins faltering the longer you stare at him is utterly endearing to you, though.

“We?” you tease.

“I mean, if that’s c-cool with you-” he starts backtracking on his boldness.

“Y/N isn’t really into parties, are you, babe?” Hyunjin suddenly speaks up for you. “I think she was just going back to her room.”

Jisung furrows his eyebrows and pouts. “Aw, really?”

You give Hyunjin a look that is both stern and confused. You have mixed feelings about the pet name to begin with. It’s one thing for him to want to call you something other than your name when it’s just the two of you, but he never calls you that in front of others. Or he never has before, at least. Now it makes it sound like the two of you are… a couple? An item? Which is not the case.

Plus, he’d been excited to have you out here “joining the fun” a moment ago, but now he’s okay with you retreating to your room? Or perhaps he just doesn’t want you spending time with Jisung in particular...

Upon connecting those dots, you decide you only have one choice in the matter.

“Actually, I’ve changed my mind about that. I’d love to have a beer with you, Jisung,” you say sweetly, to which he beams.

“Great!” The return of his smile assures you you’ve made the right choice. “Lead the way.”

Hyunjin shoots his friend another look as you and Jisung leave the kitchen together, but you miss that one, too.

---

“So, what made a girl like you move in with a guy like Hyunjin?”

“‘A girl like me,’” you repeat, downing another swig of beer. “So you think you know all about me now since we’ve talked about our jobs and hobbies, huh?”

Jisung doesn’t flinch against your teasing this time, just laughs. “I mean, I’m definitely not opposed to learning more about you.”

He stretches an arm behind you on the back of the couch and scoots closer. He really is a very good looking guy, and you know it’s not the alcohol adding optimism to your vision, either, because you haven’t had all that much. He has great hair, pretty eyes, cute nose, nice teeth, beautiful cheekbones. A little excitable, you can tell, but also charming and polite. He’s cute.

He holds your gaze with a small but unwavering smile this time as he waits for you to either answer his initial question or offer more information about yourself. You opt for neither.

“Maybe I don’t want to talk about me anymore.”

“Okay, that’s cool. What would you rather talk-”

You lean in and kiss him. Just a peck, a gentle press of your lips to his, not too fast but still over before he’s fully registered the gesture or able to return it.

“Oh,” Jisung whispers in understanding when you pull back a little.

“Was that okay?” you ask.

“Yeah, yeah, perfectly okay,” he assures. He bites his tingling lip and smirks, then lifts his arm from the couch to place his hand on the nape of your neck. “But I wasn’t quite ready. Can we try that again?”

You nod, and he closes the gap to kiss you back properly this time. From some corner of your apartment, a tipsy guest whistles over the scene, but you’re more interested in the hum Jisung lets out as both your lips part and tongues slip together in sync. He tastes of beer and salty snacks, but something on him - his shampoo or his lotion or his cologne or maybe a mixture of the three - smells faintly sweet and minty.

His fingertips gently tickle your neck for a bit, then hold firmly to draw you deeper into his kisses. You consider moving onto his lap, but something in the back of your mind tells you not to cause too much of a scene in the middle of Hyunjin’s party.

In fact, if you were paying more attention to your surroundings outside of this cute stranger, you might have noticed the onlookers stirring up a scandalized fuss over your roommate already making a beeline toward the couch, but it isn’t until he’s shoving the two of you apart that you do.

“What the hell, man?” Jisung protests.

Hyunjin ignores him, addressing you instead. “Y/N, can I talk to you for a second, please?”

Apparently by “talk” he means pull you completely out of the room and partway down the hallway like a barbarian before you manage to wrest your hand away.

“What the hell, Hyunjin?” you repeat Jisung’s question with double the annoyance.

“I’m here asking you the same thing,” he snaps back in a hushed tone. “Why are you making out with a stranger on the couch?”

You cross your arms in front of him for the second time tonight and raise an eyebrow to his attitude. “I thought I was just letting loose, having fun and enjoying the pleasure of your friends’ company. Isn’t that what you wanted?”

“I didn’t mean like that! And why Jisung?”

“What’s wrong with Jisung? He seems nice.”

Hyunjin gawps like he’s never heard those words out of anyone’s mouth before. “You’ve only known him for like half an hour!”

“So? He still seems nice. And he’s really hot...”

You turn your head back to the living room to try and catch Jisung’s eye and give him a signal that you’ll be with him again shortly, but Hyunjin dives to block your line of sight.

“He’s not good enough for you, trust me.”

“Well for fuck’s sake, Hyunjin, I’m not trying to marry him! I’m just trying to get laid,” you spell out bluntly. Hyunjin scoffs but doesn’t reply, just looks down at the floor. You scrutinize the plain displeasure all over his face and smirk as a sneaking suspicion occurs to you. “Unbelievable. Is the Hwang Hyunjin actually jealous?”

“Yes.” His swift, honest answer catches you completely by surprise and stuns you into silence. When he gauges that you’re not going to reply, he continues, “It’s not fair, Y/N. We’ve been living together for months and it only took Jisung thirty minutes to get you to want to sleep with him? I’ve been here this whole time. I’ve been- I’ve wanted you this whole time...”

You process his words in continued silence for nearly a full minute, then finally say, “If I’d known it would only take me making out with one of your friends to get you to confess that, I would’ve joined one of your parties sooner. Or you could have just told me from the start, you know.”

Hyunjin recognizes a joke somewhere in your words and automatically lets a laugh slip, but soon snaps his head up. “Wait, really?”

“You’re such an idiot,” you chuckle. “But I guess I am, too. I guess we’ve both been wasting all this time. Want to make up for it?”

His eyes blow wide. “R-Right now? Aren’t you drunk?”

“No. Are you?”

“No…”

“Then why not? I mean, I guess we can at least kick everyone out first, if you wa-”

His lips are on yours before you can finish the thought. They’re just as plush as they look, but the impact is sharp, and you take only a brief moment to grunt over it before you’re reciprocating in full, grabbing his shoulders tightly and pulling him closer. He tastes like traces of salt, too. Citrusy as well. And the woody scent of his cologne is an all too familiar comfort in your nostrils. He wraps his arms around you and you sigh, happily letting him overwhelm your senses.

“Babe… please tell me this won’t be a one-time thing,” Hyunjin mumbles between ravishing blows of lips and teeth.

“Wasn’t planning on it being.”

“And you’re sure you’re not drunk?” he checks again.

“I’m sure, Hyunjin. I want this.”

“Bedroom, then.”

“Yours or mine?” you giggle.

“I don’t care… yours,” he decides quickly, steering you by the hips in the right direction.

There is already a couple in there tangled together in their own passionate lip-lock when you stumble through the door. You’ll have time to be upset about their evident plans to defile your safe haven later when you’re not in your own haste to commit nasty acts in it.

“Get the fuck out,” Hyunjin growls at them.

You expect at least one of them to argue that they were here first, but they heed his command without a word, hastily picking up one of their discarded shirts before scampering off.

Hyunjin slams the door behind them with a careless kick of his foot, then continues right on kissing you like you’re holding all the air in the room. At the same time, his hands are busy trying to map every line of your body like it’s something he needed to have memorized yesterday.

“Hyunjin - ungh - I know we’re making up for lost time, but - mmph - we can still - hah - slow down, you know,” you laugh, struggling to get your words out in the midst of the feverish pace he’s setting.

He nearly whimpers at that. “Just want you so fucking bad, you have no idea. Been waiting so long to touch you, kiss you.”

His lips skim across your cheek and over to your ear. Whatever response you had in mind is lost when he nips your earlobe with his teeth then soothes the sting with the tip of his wet tongue.

“You like that?” he asks, though he suspects he knows the answer already by the shiver that runs through you.

“Y-yeah.”

He does it again - a quick nip of his teeth and a sensual flick of his tongue - and then he’s on to the next thing, trailing those enticing lips down the column of your throat, suckling gently at your skin the entire way.

“Can we take this off?” Hyunjin asks next, alerting you to where his fingers have hooked themselves under the hem of your shirt.

At your nod, he yanks it up and drops it aside. There is a glimmer in his eyes as he takes in your bare chest, as though one of his biggest fantasies has just sprung to life before him. You entertain the idea that perhaps it has.

“Holy shit,” he breathes. He’s never been one to impress easily, but there’s no mistaking the look on his face for anything else.

His pace is much slower when he reaches to graze the pads of his thumbs back and forth across your perked nipples. The soft moan you release encourages him to take a better feel with his palms.

“I can’t tell you how many times I’ve pictured your tits in my head,” he confesses as he carefully gropes you. “All those times you paraded around the apartment without a bra on, nipples sticking through your shirt... fuck, Y/N.”

You huff a small laugh at the thought of you ever “parading” anywhere, but the knowledge that you’ve ever turned him on turns you on even more, as made evident by the growing wetness between your legs.

“And these tight fucking leggings you always wear,” he goes on, roaming his hands down your hips and around to your backside, “drive me insane on you, I swear to god. Any time - every time - I see you bend over, I just want to take you over the counter or the couch or against the wall and give it to you good, baby.”

The new pet name and the sordid confessions spilling from him make you want to join in on the dirty talk, but the feeling of him taking two handfuls of your ass - the feeling of his long-awaited touch in general - is burning you up from the inside, fizzling the majority of your coherent thoughts. All you can bring yourself to speak is: “Show me.”

Hyunjin looks back to your face and grins wickedly. “Oh, I’ll definitely be fucking you in the kitchen at some point in the near future. And in the living room. There are so many things I want to do to you. So many things I want you do to me. We’re gonna fuck each other in every single room in this place, starting with this one.”

He pulls away, and you immediately miss his body heat. You don’t complain, however, because you don’t want to disrupt him from yanking his shirt out from where it’s tucked into his jeans and undoing the buttons one by one with deft twists of his fingers. Once the flaps are loose, he shrugs and lets the fabric spill to a heap on the floor.

You’ve seen him shirtless on many occasions by now. In the mornings, stumbling to the coffee pot while still half asleep. On his way to the laundry room with only a pair of sweatpants riding low on his hips because he always lets his dirty clothes pile up until he has nearly nothing left to wear. But not in this context. Not when it’s finally appropriate for you to stare. Not when the sexual tension that has been building for months is finally about to be shattered.

Yet you don’t even get to admire his chest nearly as much as he did yours before your attention is drawn lower by his hands working to open his belt. He drops it aside with his shirt, and then his jeans follow, and then his boxers, and just like that, he’s standing completely naked in front of you with enough lithe, beautiful glory to almost make your heart stop.

Hyunjin takes a step closer to you, his erection bobbing gently and shamelessly in the air with the motion. He puts his hands back on you, snapping the waistband of your pants lightly as he leans in to ask, “Are you gonna get these, or should I?”

“Go ahead,” you invite.

You steady your hands on his shoulders, and he peels your bottoms - underwear and all - far enough down your legs for you to kick them both away. Once he stands up straight again, you wind your arms around his neck and pull him to lie over you on the mattress. He helps position you comfortably in the center with gentle nudges of his knees and tugs of his warm hands, and his lips find their way back to yours in the meantime. You hum contentedly at the return of the citrusy taste that comes from his tongue dipping against yours.

After all his careful maneuvering to get you just where he wanted, you decide this isn’t the position you want after all, so you push your weight against him until he rolls over and slips beneath you.

Hyunjin’s eyelashes flutter prettily as he gazes up at you. Then they scrunch completely shut when you press your center against the shaft of his thick, solid cock. The moan he lets out when you begin to drag yourself up and down his erection may be the single most erotic thing you’ve ever heard.

“Fuck, Y/N,” he murmurs. “Feel how fucking hard you got me already? That’s all for you.”

Your empty walls clench from his words. Nodding, you whisper, “So hard. So big. Can’t wait to have you inside me.”

He hums and opens his eyes. “Me either. Can I finger you first?”

It’s great that he’s offering because you were just about to request the exact same thing.

“Please.”

Hyunjin wastes no time slipping his hand between your bodies, and you lift up a little higher on your knees to give him more room.

He starts by gently gliding a single finger up and down your slit to gauge how wet you are already. Evidently his findings are unsatisfactory, though, because he quickly removes his hand to bring it up to his face and add some spit to it before bringing it back down. Two of his wet fingers prod shallowly into your hole, and you keen at the sensation.

“Shit, that’s tight,” he mutters, steadily working his knuckles deeper.

It’s clear when he starts searching for your g-spot from the way his fingers start crooking. He has to adjust his depth and angle a few times, but he eventually taps the patch he’s looking for.

Your legs quiver as he starts working up a quick pace against that sweet spot inside you, pressing his fingertips against it with every pump back and forth through your walls.

“Oh god,” you moan, steadying yourself with your hands on his shoulders. Your hips buck after a particularly good push of his fingers, and he hums knowingly.

“Like sitting on my fingers, baby?” he asks. The tone of his voice is pitched deeper than usual, and it sends a shiver up your spine. The hand that isn't currently inside you runs along your thigh soothingly.

You nod and lick your lips. “Yeah,” you breathe. “F-Feels so fucking good…”

“Can’t believe I finally have you sitting over me with my fingers up your pussy right now,” he says, gaze moving in a line from your face to your chest to your pussy and back again.

Smirking down at him, you say, “It’s about to be your big cock inside me.”

Hyunjin groans and bites his lip. “You sure you’re ready to take me? I just got my fingers inside you. Haven’t even fucked you open on them yet.”

“Don’t care,” you murmur, leaning down to press your bare chest into his. “Want you inside me so fucking bad, don't want to wait any longer.”

His fingers slip from your soaking cunt as you slot your lips over his, and he sighs when you slip your tongue into his mouth again.

When your hand goes reaching for his cock, he breaks away from the hungry kisses and pants, "Mm, Y/N, wait- We need a condom, yeah? I have some in my room…”

“I have some here.” You steal another quick kiss before drawing open your bedside table to grab one of the foil packets. A quick rip and tug and it’s out of the packaging so you can pinch the tip and roll it smoothly down his burning length.

“Last chance to turn back and not cross this line,” you declare.

“I think it would be even more awkward if we didn’t at this point. B-But it’s cool if you want to stop.”

He sounds nervous of what your answer may be, but you believe he means the words, and you appreciate the consideration all the same.

And you definitely feel sure. You definitely want this.

So you take hold of the base of his cock, line the broad tip up to your entrance, and begin to ease down.

The moment he breaches you, Hyunjin tenses and hisses a sharp breath through his teeth. His hands find purchase on your hips, too tight at first to brace himself against the wet heat you’re surrounding him in even through the condom, but then he eases up after he’s bottomed out.

You sit still once you’re flush against his lap, realizing you need to relish this particular moment because you won’t ever get it back - the ecstasy of feeling him stretch you out like this for the first time.

Hyunjin starts squirming after a bit, fingertips twitching from your hips down to your thighs and back again, unsure what to do with himself while he waits for you. “Baby, please, I think I might go crazy if you don’t move.”

“So impatient,” you tsk but begin to rock against him nonetheless. Careful, slow undulations of your waist to test the depths of the pleasure rippling through you. His breath hitches over a particular swivel, and you moan at the angles he’s hitting just from a little back and forth movement.

“Oh my god, you sound so hot,” Hyunjin praises. “And you feel like fucking heaven.”

“You feel so fucking good too, you feel amazing,” you gush back.

With an idea of how he could feel even better, you lift away from his lap just to sink down quickly. After a few repetitive drops, he reunites with that perfect spot inside you that has your toes curling inward and head tipping back in bliss.

Hyunjin groans along with you over the fast pace you’re picking up, and his hands finally settle for keeping a loose grip on your ass as the flesh of your thighs slaps against his hips with every plunge. Surely he can feel you starting to soak his lap; you can just hear how wet you are with every bounce. It’s sinfully vulgar but so fucking good.

“You’re so gorgeous, Y/N,” he rasps next. “I swear I could watch you bounce on my dick all fucking night.”

You look down just as he flicks his eyes up from your heaving chest to your face, then you grin at having caught what exactly he was finding so gorgeous about you bouncing on his dick.

Hyunjin licks his lips and sits up to bring his face closer to yours. “So fucking gorgeous,” he repeats on your lips before pressing harder.

You lose concentration over riding him when your mind is on the way his tongue dances behind your teeth, so he helps you out by bucking his hips upward as best he can to keep the stimulation on your sweet spot.

“Hyunjin…” you whine when he pulls back.

“Tell me what to do to make you come, baby, please. Need to feel you come on my cock so fucking bad, I'll do anything.”

From the way he was acting earlier, you half expected Hyunjin’s cocky ass to taunt you with claims of how he can fuck you better than Jisung ever could, not plea for instructions.

It’s almost sweet.

“Fuck me from behind?” you request.

Hyunjin blinks twice, kisses you sloppily several times more, then helps ease you onto all fours in front of him. You spread your knees and lift your backside to present his target to him, but he has his eyes cast down toward your face while you get yourself comfortable.

“Just like this?” he checks once it seems you’re finished moving. One of his hands hints along the small of your back delicately, wanting to touch you but not hold you down.

“Like this,” you confirm.

He takes hold of his cock and presses the tip back to your drenched folds, slicking it up and down a few times before pushing into your hole. He doesn't stop until he's up to his balls. Your pussy accepts his reentry easily, though Hyunjin seems to feel differently.

“You’re so damn tight, Y/N, fuck. When was the last time you got dicked down?”

“That has nothing to do with- oh fuck-”

He gives a sensual roll of his hips while you’re trying to speak, and you lose your train of thought once more. Hyunjin smirks at your reaction and does it again, barely withdrawing before hitting at just the right depth to have you arching your back for more.

“Is that good, baby? Is this how you want me to fuck you?” he asks, starting to build a rhythm. He holds your hips to keep you steady, but there’s not much he can do about rocking the mattress; not if he wants to keep you moaning and dripping and shuddering the way you are.

“Y-yeah, yeah, keep going, I’m getting close,” you urge.

Hyunjin keeps his eyes fixed on the place where his cock plunges in and out of you, spreading your ass cheeks apart to give himself a better view. His balls smack wetly against your clit over and over, enhancing the vulgarity of the skin-on-skin noises ringing in your ears.

It isn't as much stimulation as you need, though, so you dip a hand between your legs to play with yourself, and Hyunjin can feel the instant you touch your clit from the way you suddenly clench around him. The extra tightness draws a grunt from the back of his throat and his hips jerk unsteadily.

He’s been careful to keep his thrusts under control, striking your g-spot repeatedly without brutally battering it, but you can tell he’s losing his composure, losing his breath, losing his head in the steam of your conjoined pleasure. He groans out and pounds into your pussy harder.

The headboard is outright banging against the wall by now. Some part of you wonders how noticeable it is from the rest of the apartment, but most of your concentration is on rubbing faster at your clit while Hyunjin keeps your g-spot on the end of his pistoning dick.

“Almost,” you promise vaguely, but Hyunjin knows exactly what you mean.

His hand meets yours between your legs to lightly knock it out of the way and take over. He uses the pad of his middle finger to pick up where you left off, and the sensation - the utter thrill - of being touched by him hurtles you that much faster toward the edge, even though he's not familiar with your preferred technique yet.

“Come with me, baby, please, I need to fucking feel it. Shit, I’m so fucking close, please come with me,” he begs and babbles breathlessly.

You put your fingers over his to guide him through a few more rotations around your clit. That, coupled with another series of perfectly aimed thrusts of his rigid cock, finally send you toppling into white hot, nerve-racking, spine-crumpling abyss. You climax with a mighty clench and a cry that rips from your vocal chords just before you can suffocate it in your pillow.

“Sh-shit Y/N! You’re seriously coming on my- oh, fffffuck!”

Hyunjin lets go of your clit in a rush to grab your hips with both hands again to brace himself against the onslaught of his own explosive orgasm. You can feel his cock lurch where he’s buried it deep in your clamped walls at the moment of his release. Wave after wave trembles his frame, sending him shivering behind you as his orgasm rolls on and on for so long you almost become concerned.

Eventually, he gives you a comforting squeeze and pants, “You didn’t… you didn’t fake that, did you?”

You can’t help but laugh in pure amusement. “What, my orgasm? No, that was definitely not fake. You made me come so hard, Hyunjin,” you admit shamelessly.

“Okay, just checking,” he laughs back. “It’s just that I couldn’t see your face and-... but it still felt really-... that was so… wow.”

You don’t have it in you to comment on his eloquence - or lack thereof, rather; you don’t exactly have words for what’s just happened either.

He draws his cock from your still-quivering pussy and gets up on wobbly legs to trash the condom in your adjoined bathroom while you slump to your side and swipe the back of your hand across your clammy forehead, swallowing hard to bring some normalcy back to your erratic breathing and thundering heart.

Hyunjin returns with a towel in hand. You wearily lift an arm to take it from him, but he’s already coaxing your legs open to dab carefully at the stickiness smeared between them.

“So sweet,” you joke, finding the energy to tease him after all.

He looks at you and smiles. “It’s cute that you think I’m being sweet when I’m actually just getting a better look at your pussy because I didn’t before.”

He spreads your lower lips apart with his fingers and raises an eyebrow in approval of their sticky, swollen state, to which you gasp in mock offense and swat at his arm. He snickers and drops the towel aside, then climbs back into bed with you.

“I can be sweet, though, if cuddling is an option.”

You open your arms to showcase cuddling is in fact an option, and he sinks his head into a cozy spot beneath your chin. The crown of his golden head smells like apricots, you notice. You gently tug off the elastic band in his hair and roll it onto your wrist before shaking out the freed strands. He hums drowsily as you play with his hair.

After a while, he murmurs, “I should probably go kick everyone out and apologize to Jisung before I fall asleep.”

Again, you giggle. “Shit, I should apologize to him, too. If he’s still out there, that is. If anyone’s still out there. We may have scared everyone off.” You strain your ears for a moment to try and pick up on any more laughter and chatter out there, but all you can hear is the music now.

“You were pretty loud, babe,” Hyunjin points out.

You dig your fingertip into his cheek playfully. “And I’m sure you’ll be bragging about that for weeks to come.”

“Me? Wouldn’t dream of it.”

Despite the plans he was making to get up and leave the room, Hyunjin draws his arms tighter around your middle and remains right where he is. A while longer passes before he asks softly, “Can I sleep here with you tonight, or would that be weird?”

“Hey.”

He tilts his head to look at you.

“Don’t overthink things,” you tell him, tucking some of his hair behind his ear. “I meant it when I said I wasn’t planning on this being a one-time thing, and I think you meant it when you said you didn’t want it to be either, but we can make this whatever we want. It doesn’t have to be complicated, okay?”

“Okay,” he agrees.

Hyunjin leans his face in but hesitates when he notices that you don’t close your eyes in preparation for his kiss. You smile and pull him in the rest of the way, and he smiles back against you, eyes on yours.

When he pulls back, he licks his lips and says slowly, “So… I can sleep here with you tonight then?”

You laugh loudly and shove him away. “Go make sure everyone got the hell out of our apartment, then get your ass back here.”

---

if you enjoyed, please consider re-blogging and/or leaving me some feedback. take care! ♡

#hyunjin smut #hwang hyunjin smut #stray kids smut #skz smut #hyunjin x reader #hwang hyunjin x reader #stray kids x reader #skz x reader #let loose #daizymax

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mimsynims · 7 months

Text

Fool For Love

part 5

~~~

part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4

~~~

Author’s Note: This is becoming longer than expected, but I’m grateful for everyone staying on for the ride.

(Btw. When I’m writing, I’m imagining this with my own Tav, but I’ve been trying to keep it GN.)

~~~

Astarion x reader/Tav

Tags: (mild?) angst, pining, pining while fucking, jealousy, eventual happy ending

Summary: You thought you knew what you were doing when you let Astarion into your bed. He doesn’t have feelings for you, and vice versa. Only… now you do.

You’ve finally made a decision on how to handle it, but it turns out it might not be that easy to actually do as planned.

And then you go and make it even worse.

~~~

“Tav, wake up.” A hand on your shoulder tries to gently rouse you awake. “Tav, come on. It’s time to go.”

“Nooo, just let me sleep.” You were having such a nice dream. The details are a bit fuzzy, but you remember a body on top of you. Lips, hands, teeth. Warmth.

“You go on ahead, I will make sure our fearsome leader gets back to camp in one piece.”

Astarion. That fucker. He’s the reason why you are like this. Still half-asleep, still half-drunk. “No, not you.”

Someone — Karlach? — mumbles something.

“Go.” Astarion again. “I’ve got this.”

Perhaps if you ignore him, he’ll go away.

“Tav, darling, get up.”

The nerve. “Don’t call me that.”

“Stop acting like a baby and I will consider it.”

That has you finally opening your eyes and sitting up. “I can get back on my own.” In a bit, anyway.

“Perhaps.” Astarion steps up to you and holds out a hand. You can’t see his smug smile in the darkness, but you have no trouble imagining it. “Not sure we should risk it though.”

Just as you take his hand, it dawns on you that you finally have him alone. It’s just you and him, with nothing to interrupt your conversation.

Except you’re far from sober and in a bloody awful mood, to boot.

Feeling his fingers grasping yours, the arousal sparked by the dream stirs awake again. For a few heartbeats, you do nothing but stare at this beautiful man, this wonderful, enraging man.

Everything that has been bubbling inside you comes to a head, overwhelming you until the only thing you can do is tug him closer.

“Kiss me?” You know you’re doing it again, distracting yourself, but you’re feeling too much and the only thing that can make your mind go blissfully blank is him.

“Tav, darling.”

“Please.”

“I never could say no to you…”

There’s a strange note of exasperation in his voice, but you have no time to reflect on it when Astarion gets down on his knees and cups your face oh-so-gently. The kiss is unexpectedly fierce, matching the turmoil inside you.

“Astarion, I…” You dive back in before you say something foolish.

Sex with Astarion has never been boring, but there’s a new level of recklessness to it as you both tear at your clothes and give yourself to each other. You will probably have a bruise or two tomorrow — as will he — but it’s exactly what you need; it’s as if he knows what you crave even though you can’t voice it out loud. A part of you mourns that this doesn’t mean as much to him as it does to you — that you don’t mean as much to him as he does to you. Even as you scream his name in pleasure, sadness lingers in the outskirts of your mind, tainting the satisfaction and exhilaration.

The moon and the stars watch over you as Astarion drags you into his arms, both panting from exhaustion after your mutual climax. Burying your face in the crook of his neck, you revel in the feeling of intimacy, lying like this.

Inhaling, you take comfort in the scents you’ll forever associate with him: bergamot, rosemary, brandy. Blood. It’s faint, but it’s there, beneath his perfume.

You go still. Blood. He didn’t bite you. Even if he doesn’t always drink from you, he always bites you during sex.

But not this time. Why? Whatever the reason, it makes you feel rejected. Not good enough.

Perhaps he only slept with you out of pity.

“I must say I am pleasantly surprised, Tav,” Astarion purrs. “For a moment there, I thought you were going to invite Gale to your tent.”

“Perhaps I was.” It’s a lie, one you will have to make sure doesn’t reach Gale’s ears. You should take it back, but you’re hurting too much to be sensible. “Still could.”

“Him?”

“He’s a nice man.” Too nice for you. “And if he could bag a god, he’s probably good in bed too.”

Astarion sits up to stare at you. “You must be joking.”

“Why?” You feel cold, naked, and not just physically. Reaching for your clothes, you turn your back to him and try to put them on. Easier said than done. “We haven’t made any promises to each other.”

Astarion rises too and places his hands on his hips, unbothered by his state of undress. “I know, but–”

“I’ve seen you, with the others. I know. And it’s fine.” Even in the darkness, it’s difficult to face him, but you force yourself to do so. To stand your ground while you do this. “At least it was fine.”

“You are not making any sense, Tav.”

You’re too worked up to notice the note of desperation in his voice. “I saw you tonight, with the others, and I realised I’ve had enough.” This wasn’t how it was supposed to go, but you can’t stop yourself now. “We should end this.”

“What? Why?”

You ignore his obvious confusion. “I know you only propositioned me to make sure you’d be under my protection.”

“I–” Astarion sounds taken aback. “Yes, that’s true, I guess, but listen, Tav–”

“Don’t worry, for as long as you stay with us, I’ll never let anyone harm you.”

“So that’s it?”

He sounds hurt, but it’s most likely just his wounded pride. “I’m sure you can find comfort in the arms of Halsin or Shadowheart.” Or both.

“As you will with Rath and Gale, you mean?”

The bitterness has you frowning. He has no right because as you said, neither of you made any promises. “Maybe, maybe not. That’s none of your business, is it?”

You wish you could see his face more clearly, but it’s probably for the best that the night hides his expression. The silence feels heavy as you wait for several pounding heartbeats for his reply. A wildly optimistic part of you hopes that he will object, that he will tell you how wrong you are.

When he finally speaks, it’s nothing more than a whisper. “I guess not.” Without another word, he grabs his scattered clothes, tucks them under his arm and walks away, leaving you behind in the smothering darkness.

~~~

#astarion #astarion ancunin #astarion x reader #astarion x tav #bg3 fanfiction #bg3 fic #bg3 tav #bg3 astarion #bg3 spoilers #fic wip

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istoleyoursk1n · 5 months

Note

How would the boys react to a Tav who looks absolutely innocent only to be horrendously brutal in battle 👀

•❅───────────✧❅✦❅✧───────────❅•

TAV who appears innocent but is actually brutal in battle

: ̗̀➛ ASTARION

“And you expect me to align myself with the blissful little fool who stops to smell the roses? Oh, dear, who do you take me for?”

Barely cares for you and views you as nothing more than a naive imbecile at first. He finds your sweetness and innocence amusing, laughable even, but he’d scoff at the sight of you chasing after butterflies.

If anything he’d either brush you off or attempt to stain that innocence for his own enjoyment

A pinch close to dismissing your use of the group

Until he saw you fight

Utterly baffled when he first saw you but the shock was quickly overtaken by that all-so-familiar coy look on his face that came just before some sort of witty remark.

He’s impressed, amazed even, but he waits until after the battle to make his own comments about it.

In truth, he adores just how quickly you change from pure sweetness to vile brutality. Now that is something he can definitely work with.

There is just something so astonishing about seeing you demolish an entire group of goblins without much of a break or even a need for assistance. You’re relentless and strong, never letting anything stand in your way in battle, something he himself admires. Any past disgust or disregard he had for you slowly vanishes and instead is replaced with a curious interest.

“Well, darling, aren't you full of surprises? Here I was thinking we’d brought along a lost pup. I’m certainly glad to know you've got a hard bite hidden within you. Such a fiery little thing you are.”

: ̗̀➛WYLL

“Hm. It's quite nice to have a glimmer of light amidst all the chaos spewing about. I wonder what kind of flowers have you picked today?”

Finds your innocence/general sweetness to be some form of relief for him especially during the rather bleak moments of your journey. It's something he could always look to from afar to give himself a moment to smile.

He finds your innocence endearing, a source of warmth that he couldn't help but indulge in, thus compelling him to speak with you more often than most.

Was shocked when he first saw you fight.

He was speechless at first, his eyes widening at the sight of you ripping your enemy's throats without much of a second thought. He had to blink twice to ensure that it was indeed you doing all that.

The shock slowly turned into a wide-open-mouthed smile and a soft chuckle upon seeing just how great you were in battle. You were terrifying in your own right but it didn't dissuade Wyll’s interest in you in the slightest.

Wouldn't stop praising your fighting skills right after, and kept going on and on about possible titles for you in a playful manner. Though the sincerity in his eyes said otherwise.

“Is Slayer Of Beasts not an eligible title for you? Oh! How about… no that wouldn't work either. Regardless, your combat skills are impeccable! Truly, none could compare to your grace with a blade.”

: ̗̀➛GALE

“Ah. No harm in stopping to admire the view I suppose. What is it that you see? Aside from the brilliant rays of the sun of course.”

Doesn't exactly mind your innocence or your sweetness, he doesn't consider it a hindrance nor is he amused by it. If you want to stop attempting to pet every creature you see why should he be bothered?

Would probably question why you seem so blissfully ignorant or completely aloof out of his own curiosity but he wouldn't judge you for it.

Would sometimes tag along with you whenever you do get sidetracked but he’ll also be the subtle reminder that you should probably get going.

Slightly concerned that you’d constantly need assistance in battle or in particularly rough situations.

Pleasantly surprised when he discovers your brutality in battle.

Now he's all too curious as to where that entire ‘personality switch’ spews from. He won't stop asking questions about where you learned to be so brutal, why are you so different in and out of battle and so on.

Be prepared for every question he throws but do know it's only because he's become even more interested in you!

“Your prowess in battle is most certainly commendable! I do wonder where you could have learned such intense methods of combat? One could never turn a blind eye to a remarkable display of undeniable skill.”

: ̗̀➛HALSIN

“What a gift you are, to be so wondrously lost in bliss, running across fields of the oak father’s ever-blooming flowers. I may wish to join you someday.”

Also rather pleasantly amused with your innocence and/or sweetness. It was one of the first things he took notice of other than your scent of course. He finds it rather adorable that most things go over your head.

He has no qualms about you, even with your innocence and your seemingly soft demeanor, he places his full trust in you in whatever mission you set yourself off to.

Comes across as a bit protective at times as he views you as something fragile, something to be handled carefully.

Though in truth, he sees more potential in you than how most view you in your party. There must be more to you than an innocent little smile.

Taken aback upon realizing just how brutal you were in battle.

Sure, such brutality and violence could be useful against the foes of nature but he hopes that you never turn such strength against your fellow comrades and the innocents.

Other than that, he's impressed, commending you for your undeniable strength and skill in terms of battle.

If anything, he's grown more infatuated with you, amazed by both the sweetness you exude and the glorious beast you become in the heat of combat.

“Nature had made you all too perfectly, a delicate flower in the arms of your comrades and a ferocious yet beautiful creature when bathed in the blood of your adversaries. Breathtaking. Truly breathtaking.”

•❅───────────✧❅✦❅✧───────────❅•

#baldurs gate 3 #bg3 #bg3 headcanons #baldurs gate 3 headcanons #bg3 astarion #bg3 halsin #bg3 wyll #bg3 gale #astarion #halsin #wyll #gale

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13uswntimagines · 11 months

Text

Promises We Make (Lindsey Horan x Soulmate!R)

Request: A Lindsey x reader soulmate AU where people know they're soulmates because they share dreams with them. Something angsty and happy and a lot of things.

Author's note: Wow, this has been a crazy long time coming. I think I have almost 2 years of planning, writing and re-writing in this fic. It’s a bit different than the original. It includes some new scenes and things that I meant to put in but never physically did. It feels like a little piece of my soul, so I really hope you enjoy it. Let me know what you think, I’m always down to chat. Hit me up with questions or concerns.

Without Further ado:

You had never understood when people said that the dreams you shared with your soulmate were more vivid. It was hard for your brain to wrap itself around the idea that everything was more intense in the shared dreams, especially the first one.

You didn’t understand until you blinked into consciousness.

Your eyebrows furrowed at the immediate kaleidoscope of colors that met you. A deep blue sky with cotton-like clouds lazily drifting in the wind. The sun peeked out at you from behind them, its rays landing pleasantly on your face, a light breeze fluttering around you.

Your fingers wound through the cool grass under you, as you pushed yourself to a sitting position.

It was nice, even if you weren’t quite sure where you were.

The comfortability of it all felt like lead in your stomach, countering the inherently light feeling of your surroundings. This was the moment you had been dreading for your entire life. The dream you had been dreading for your entire life.

The dream you hadn’t been sure you would ever have.

You blew out a shuddering breath, your eyes tracing a netless goal at the far end of the field and a rusty teeter-totter nestled behind it in a halfhearted effort to follow your therapist's technique for quelling the growing butterflies in your chest.

Her advice never worked, but still, you tried.

You drew your eyes along the heavy chain link fence that sprouted from the back corner of the goal and encased the field, separating it from the tall trees that acted as a shield for a low brick building.

The leaves were alight with the warm oranges and browns of fall, rippling in time with the drifting breeze like the hands of fans as you made your final lap around the stadium.

Deep breath in. Hold. Breathe out.

You supposed that they were the only spectators in a place like this, even if you still weren’t sure where you were. You could tell it was a school playground, possibly from childhood, but it wasn’t from your childhood.

Deep breath in. Hold. Breathe out.

Or maybe they were a divine sign. A premonition flashing red, orange, and yellow, warning you of the incoming storm. Like the creak of a door before the monster appeared in a movie.

Deep breath in. Hold. Breathe out.

The hairs on the back of your neck prickled at the light crinkle of grass behind you. The first indication that you weren’t alone.

Deep breath in. Hold. Breathe out.

“Hey, fancy meeting you here,”

Her voice immediately sent a shiver down your spine, untangling the suffocating knot that had formed around your lungs. It had goosebumps appearing up and down your arms and legs.

You should have been surprised, but you weren’t.

Your head turned to look back over your shoulder, and suddenly your breath was gone again.

You gulped, trying not to think about how the sun filtering through her blonde hair reminded you so much of a halo. How the sight alone was enough to ease the bubbling dread in your stomach. She had been through almost everything with you. You and your heart had always been safe with her.

She wouldn’t hurt you.

“Hey Linds,” You smiled softly.

The smile she returned didn’t quite meet her eyes. “There’s a set of swings over there if you wanna chat?” She gestured to your left, shifting on her feet awkwardly.

You nodded, pushing yourself up noting how soft the grass felt under your bare feet following after her. It felt natural. You had been following her for nearly all of your adult life.

The two of you had met in France when you were barely 17 and from the moment you laid eyes on each other, you were attached at the hip. She had stubbornly forced her way beyond the wall your childhood had built and into your heart. You undoubtedly loved her, even if you were too afraid to admit it.

You resisted the urge to take her hand as you walked, one that you had never experienced in real life. She always reserved hand-holding for her significant others, and it was one of the few lines that the two of you had never blurred (except in France, but that didn’t count).

The walk over to the small, blue-gray swing set was quiet, but the two of you had never been uncomfortable in silence. It was familiar, warm. The silence was full of safety, even as you settled on the plastic seat.

“Where are we, exactly?” You asked, your fingers wrapping tightly around the chain, the nail of your thumb picking at the slightly peeling paint, and your toes digging into the dip in the ground underneath you.

It made you feel like you were in middle school, talking to a girl you liked for the first time, not sure what to say or how to say it. Putting your feelings into words had never been your strong suit.

She cleared her throat, the crinkles by her eyes tightening for a long second as she began to swing slowly, her cleats scratching against the ground. “My elementary school,”

More silence stretched between you, and you watched her closely. It unsettled you how her eyes remained glued to her cleats, how she wouldn't look up at you.

Your eyebrows furrowed. Shouldn’t you both be happy? Shouldn’t she feel as relieved as you felt?

The two of you had been dancing around this thing for so long and now it all made sense. You didn’t have to be afraid of how you were so drawn to each other anymore. You could allow yourself to feel.

But Lindsey didn’t look relieved.

“I don’t want things to change between us,” She said, her voice barely audible, rough with emotions that you didn’t quite understand, the tip of her cleat kicking up a clump of dirt.

“I don’t think it has to,” You said slowly, reaching out to catch her hand hoping she would look at you. “We can take this slow, and figure it out as we go,”

You weren’t sure how the whole soulmate thing was supposed to work. You had honestly never believed in soulmates, but you were willing to try.

You would be willing to do just about anything for her.

Another beat of silence passed between you, and you squeezed her hand once in reassurance. It would all be alright. The two of you could make it through anything together.

Lindsey dragged her gaze up. You sucked in a deep breath as red-rimmed blue finally met you. “I have a boyfriend Y/n. I love him.”

It felt like a knife, sharp and slow slipping into your chest, finding its way perfectly between your ribs. A cold ache diffused from the point of your heart and you resisted the urge to see if she had actually stabbed you.

“I love him,”

The second half of her sentence pinged around your head like the metal bearing in a pinball machine. It echoed everything you were already aware of, everything your mother had told you before you moved out.

You knew she loved you too, but she couldn’t love you the way you had always loved her. She wasn’t in love with you. She couldn’t be in love with you because she was in love with him.

You weren’t worthy of her love.

You swallowed hard. “Oh,”

The word was forced and showed more of your pain than you wanted her to see. It wasn’t her fault that she couldn’t love you. That was all on you.

“I don’t want things to change between us,” She said, her voice edging on pleading, willing you to understand. She squeezed your now limp fingers tightly. “You’re my best friend. I don’t want to lose you,”

You hadn’t even realized you let go of her hand.

The knife twisted in your chest, its tip scratching at your lungs with each breath you sucked past your lips. One little push and it would rip you wide open. You couldn’t bear to lose her, even if it hurt to not.

You didn’t know how to be without her.

“You won’t,”

The promise was soft, scratchy, filled with all the words you wanted to say, but couldn’t bring yourself to let out. You had never made her a promise you didn’t keep, but you weren’t sure you would be able to see this one through.

You had to try for her.

It would make her happy, and as her soulmate, that was all that should matter to you.

Her shoulders instantly relaxed, and you tried not to think about how the knife wiggled a little more at her relief. You tried not to think about how the warning from the trees had been right.

She squeezed your fingers again, tugging you off of your swing and into a hug.

“Thank you for understanding,”

You shivered at how her lips grazed your neck with the words. They tickled and ached all at the same time.

You did understand.

“Yeah. Anything for you,” You mumbled, tucking your nose against her collarbone, breathing in her vanilla body wash and perfume, allowing yourself to enjoy the contact for just a second. Pretending that it didn’t hurt. Pretending that it would all be alright.

Your eyes slid closed and you will yourself to wake up.

You could deal with her rejection, as long as you didn’t lose the people you loved the most.

*****

Your fingers wrapped tightly around the cardboard USSoccer-provided coffee cup trying to leech as much warmth from it as you could. It wasn’t that you were physically cold, but the icy sludge that settled in your stomach from the moment that you jerked awake hadn’t abated. It numbed you from the inside out, sloshing around and refusing to let you forget.

You took a little sip of your too-hot coffee, swirling the molten liquid across your tongue and savoring the sting. It did just enough to combat the icicles in your veins, but you didn't know if it was because it gave you an excuse to stay quiet and avoid your teammates or because it was actually helpful.

You knew you were too quiet for a camp breakfast, but you didn’t know any other way to maintain normalcy. The team was just starting to gel, and you didn’t want to throw that off. You knew they didn’t take soulmate issues lightly. They didn’t need the distraction.

You could pretend you were fine for their sake.

Lindsey seemed fine after all. She had taken her spot next to you without question, as though nothing had changed between you. She wrapped her arm around the back of your chair and passed you the cantaloupe from her breakfast plate like she always did. She seemed at ease, joking with your friends, nudging you with each story she told.

She seemed completely oblivious to how each action deposited a little more sediment on the growing stalagmites around your heart. How each smile pulled too tightly from your cheeks and was followed by a steaming sip.

You could pretend for her sake too. She had asked you to, and you would do anything for her.

“What about you Y/n?”

You blinked up at the mention of your name, your coffee cup landing on the table with a low tap and your eyes finding Emily’s. You could see the thinly veiled worry buried in her blue, hidden well enough that it wouldn’t be obvious to the rest of the table, except maybe Kelley but she didn’t count because she was the blonde’s soulmate.

“What about me?”

The table erupted in laughter, and Lindsey nudged you again. “You’re such a space cadet,”

You fought to hold back a cringe at the action, something that would have had warmth blooming in your chest and heat rising to your cheeks on any other day, but it just made the sludge in your stomach slosh, sending another wave of numbness through you.

Emily’s eyebrows furrowed across from you, catching your pained expression.

She had known you almost as long as you had known Lindsey and the two of you were nearly as close.

“What are your celebration plans for when we win?” Emily repeated the question, leaning forward just a bit, concern evident in her tone.

You shrugged. You hadn't considered what would happen if you managed to win the W Cup. Well, that wasn’t entirely true. You and Lindsey always celebrated together, until the mess at the world cup. It had hurt too much to think about what winning would look like without your normal tradition.

“We have to get past Uzbekistan first,”

“You average almost 3 goals a game, I think we’re gonna be ok,” Kristie scoffed, shaking her head, oblivious to the way Emily and Kelley were staring at you.

“Uzbekistan isn’t exactly known for its firepower,” Rose added with a smirk, rolling her eyes. “And you can’t tell me that you haven’t thought about what you’re going to do when we win,”

“Maybe we should ask if she’s thought about who she would do when we win,” Kristie cackled, and parts of the table hummed in agreement.

You knew it was in reference to how you disappeared after you won the world cup. How they all assumed you had slept your way through several fans on your way back to the United States. You didn’t feel the need to correct them. That would involve explaining exactly what had happened.

You sent them a halfhearted smile, hoping it looked like the one you shot them when you had been caught. “I’ll probably go back to my room and drink my way through my mini-bar,”

You didn’t miss the grimace Kelley and Emily shared, or the way Lindsey's dimples jumped out as she frowned. You felt satisfaction tickle the back of your throat. Lindsey had spent the majority of her time pretending like the World Cup Celebration didn’t happen. Like the two of you didn’t almost-.

You shook your head. You told yourself not to think about it.

She would never understand the fallout like Emily and Kelley did. They were both there to see it.

“That’s lame,” Kristie said, her nose scrunching at the prospect. “At least in France, you found yourself a companion,”

Rose raised an eyebrow at you incredulously. “I thought you weren’t supposed to drink alone?”

You rolled your eyes at the line. Your line. The one you had used to avoid answering questions about the world cup. You caught Lindsey's grimace out of the corner of your eye.

She believed you had slept your way back to the airplane too, but you didn’t understand why she cared.

She had a boyfriend.

The sludge in your stomach sloshed again.

“Maybe I’m turning over a new leaf,” You muttered halfheartedly, stabbing at your eggs.

You didn’t even like eggs.

“I didn’t think you’d want to after your conquests in Florida,” Lindsey said, her voice a thinly veiled sharpness.

The tone immediately drew your attention, like a razor running gently across your skin, poised to slice you open.

You didn’t talk about Florida, and most of the team acted like you didn’t disappear for 2 months after the World Cup. Considering all the other things Lindsey pretended didn’t happen, you had never expected her to bring it up.

You forced the bubbling pit in your stomach down, masking it with an easy smile. “What are your plans then?”

The table paused, Emily and Kelley both leaning forward like they were being pulled by a rope, waiting for Lindsey to answer.

You were very touchy about Florida.

The midfielder returned your easy smile, leaning back in her chair. “I’ll probably call Ty. He said he has a surprise for me,”

You did your best to keep your face straight, even as her words sent a numb wave through you.

“We all know what that will be,” Rose cackled, wiggling her eyebrows.

It sent an unpleasant shiver down your spine. You didn’t want to think about her being with anyone else. You didn’t want to think about your soulmate being intimate, being vulnerable, with him.

“Too bad you two aren’t soulmates,” Sam hummed, almost offhandedly.

It still burned in the back of your throat. You didn’t want anyone thinking he was your soulmate’s soulmate.

You didn’t have a right to be possessive, but it roared to life in your chest like a lion. She was supposed to be yours but she wasn’t.

You cleared your throat, rubbing the back of your neck, trying to shove those feelings down. You didn’t have the right to feel those feelings.

“I think I’m gonna go to the bus early and try to catch a nap.” You said, clearing your throat as your voice caught. “I didn’t sleep well. Time change and all,”

You didn’t look up from your coffee cup as you pushed yourself up from the table, afraid of what you would see. You didn’t need to see her indifference. That would hurt worse.

You ignored the stares on your back as you took your half-eaten plate to the trash and slipped out the door.

At least if you fell asleep now, she wouldn’t be able to join you there.

****

The soccer field had always been your safe space. It was the one place in the world where your thoughts went silent and all that mattered was the present moment.

Even when things during your time at PSG had been rough, the pitch had always welcomed you like an old friend. You could forget your pain as the ball bent to your will.

Except this time you couldn’t.

Not with how oppressively hot Houston was. Not with how Vlatko was playing the starters, expecting you and Lindsey to link seamlessly. Not with how Emily and Kelley kept sending you worried glances.

It felt like an absolute nightmare in all of its vivid colors, but despite it all your performance hadn’t been affected.

You ran your hand through your hair, wiping your flyaway curls away from in front of your eyes, turning away from goal before you even saw Casey miss the save.

“How are you so fast?” Emily asked, falling into step beside you with a nudge.

You shrugged, shoving her away from you, painting a smile over your features, trying to be normal. “You’re just slow,”

Lindsey had asked you to be normal.

Emily’s eyebrows furrowed, and you knew she wasn’t fooled. You hadn’t expected her to be.

Emily had known you nearly as long as Lindsey did, and the two of you were more like sisters than friends at this point. She knew you better than you knew yourself sometimes.

You spent a month on her couch after you came back from Florida and she had even converted the 2nd room of her apartment into a bedroom for you because she didn’t think it was alright for you to be alone.

Her soulmate, Kelley, had slotted into your life just as nicely, taking the place of the older sibling you always wished your brother would be.

They were both deceptively good at reading you, and sometimes it was easier to talk to them than it was for you to talk to Tobin and Christen (your self-appointed team moms). They were just as protective.

“What’s up with you?” Emily nudged you again, catching your elbow and forcing you to look at her. “You seem off,”

You shrugged, avoiding her eyes. “I told you, I didn’t sleep,”

“Which just seems odd because Abby said you were passed out cold when she came back from her shower,” Emily said, wiggling your elbow so you would look at her.

You swallowed hard. You could feel her eyes (and a few others) boring into your soul, and you weren’t quite sure how to make the words come out of your mouth. How could you tell her without hurting her relationship with Lindsey?

“You can talk to me about anything you know? Keeping it all in isn’t healthy,” She added, nudging you again.

You sighed heavily, only able to meet her eyes for a second before you had to look away. The weight of them was too much.

You had too much on your mind, and if you opened up, you weren’t sure you’d be able to stop.

“I just want to play soccer,”

The words sounded weak even to your ears, an old excuse that had been worn through. Her eyes immediately tightened, as did the fingers on your arm.

“Does this have to do with how much your phone has been ringing?” Her voice was strained, earning an instant frown.

You didn’t think anyone noticed how often your phone had been going off, or how you never answered it.

“It’s not-“ You stuttered, shaking your head, closing your eyes, and tilting your head back. That was an entirely different can of worms you weren’t willing to open. Not on top of the Lindsey thing. “I had a bad dream, I woke up. I’m tired,”

“Do you want to talk about it,” Emily asked you gently, despite already knowing the answer.

You shook your head once, uttering a “No,” Despite the loud “yes” that echoed around your head.

Emily squeezed your arm, forcing you to look up at her, worry shining through her blue eyes. “The longer you push it away, the more it’ll hurt,”

You could hear the warning in her soft voice but also the unwillingness to press. The dance the two of you had played with for a long time.

She didn’t want you to spiral again. She didn’t want you to go back to the place you had been right after France. She didn’t want you to think you had to hide your pain for everyone else’s sake.

“I know,” You forced out, biting into your lower lip to prevent the tidal wave of emotions in your chest from breaking out. “I’ve got it handled,”

You could tell she didn’t believe you by the frown she sent your way. “And if you don’t,”

“You’ll be the first to know,” You promised, grabbing the hand on your arm and squeezing her fingers.

“Promise me,” She demanded, slightly too loud, and you felt more eyes on you.

You nodded. “Promise,”

“Ok then,” She said, releasing you and nodding towards the coach. “It’s your turn to run the drill again,”

You let an easy smirk take over your features. “Maybe you’ll catch me this time loser,”

You didn’t miss the look Emily shared with Kelley as you headed to the starting position of the drill, the telepathic-like communication only soulmates seemed to share. Or the furrowed eyebrows Lindsey sent your way.

You knew what both looks meant. Everyone would be watching you more closely for one reason or another.

******

You settled heavily into your airplane seat, your head leaning hard against the window, pressing your headphones uncomfortably into your head.

It was weird, traveling by yourself. For as long as you could remember you always flew back to Portland with Lindsey, Emily, and Tobin. With your LA trade, that wasn’t a thing anymore.

Hell, only Lindsey was left in Portland.

The only thing you preferred about flying alone was how quiet everything was. How you could finally rest.

Because camp was utterly exhausting.

You had started in both games against Uzbekistan, and you scored 5 goals in both games, but Vlatko didn’t take the opportunity to get off your ass. Instead, he had used your only 5 goals as leverage to remind you of the youngins below you vying for a spot.

And then you had the whole Lindsey situation, as you had been calling it.

It made your chest ache how she acted like nothing had happened between you. How she seemed content to walk the tightrope between friend and more than a friend, ignorant to how much it hurt.

Oblivious to the numb wave she sent through you each time she so much as brushed your skin.

It made it impossible to remain neutral, when you obsessed over every interaction you had with her, worried you were too affectionate or not affectionate enough, unable to walk the tightrope.

And then you had to deal with your friends. Well-meaning as they were, you wished they would just leave you alone. You didn’t want to talk about your sudden difficulty sleeping or have them try to cuddle you to soothe you into it.

It was easier to pretend when no one questioned you. It was easier to avoid sleep when no one was watching you.

But alone on the airplane, no one could bother you. You couldn’t receive voicemails you didn’t want to answer, or texts that would make your aching heart tear just a bit more. No one would try to make you talk, and no one would tell you how inadequate of a player you were.

It was perfect.

Your eyelids drooped without your consent as you pressed your forehead harder into the cool glass. You shouldn’t have been surprised after 40 hours of nearly no sleep and a 95-minute game under your belt.

You wished you could stay forever, and let the subzero air outside of the airplane leach your exhaustion away.

****

You kept your eyes closed as you came into consciousness, pressing your face deeper into the soft sand underneath you as the sound of the lapping waves and the salty air washed over you.

You didn’t even have to look to know where you were.

You let it soothe your soul, filling the holes in your chest and removing some of the icicles in your veins.

You felt her warm presence settle beside you, and you fought to hold in your sigh.

You needed peace, but the universe seemed reluctant to give you that.

You wouldn’t allow her to ruin this place for you. Not when it held so many memories.

She let you stay quiet for a long moment, before gently bumping your shoulder. “Hey,”

You were reluctant to open your eyes, but you did, carefully rolling over to meet her blue. It was strange that the sand didn’t stick to you like it would in real life.

“Hey,” You smiled stiffly at your blonde soulmate. You were acutely aware of how much your eyes crinkled, how little the edges of your lips moved. You had promised nothing would change, but watching her now, it felt like there was an ocean between you that hadn’t been there before. You felt hyper-aware of every action you made and you couldn’t stop the nagging feeling that you were going to ruin it all. Hell, all of camp there had been a disconnect, and you weren’t sure you would ever have the strength to bridge that gap.

Lindsey cleared her throat, her dimples appearing as she compressed her lips and tugged at the Stanford sweatshirt she was wearing. “I guess I’m cold on the airplane,”

Your eyes followed a small hole just above the wrist. The hole you had made 20 minutes after Kelley bought you the shirt on a goalpost.

You hadn’t seen the red material since you left the Thorns for Angel City almost 4 months ago.

Well, that was a lie. You had seen it when you visited Lindsey for her birthday, but you pretended you hadn’t noticed it tucked under the comforter of her bed. She always did love it more than you did.

Your eyebrows furrowed, as you looked down at yourself, trying not to cringe at the faded tank top hanging from your shoulders, spiderman’s face bleached by the sun and salt.

“Yeah. I guess I’m hot,” You mumbled, your finger poking through a large hole in the bottom, one of the main reasons Emily made you throw it out before you had gotten on the plane back to Portland with her. “I’m not sure how any of this works,”

Your parents had never been forthcoming with information about the dreams. It was more than that. Your mother despised the concept of soulmates and the dreams that came with them. You supposed it was understandable. Your parents had split when you were young, your mother choosing the bottle over everything and your father choosing his 19-year-old girlfriend.

You always wondered if her use of alcohol was to suppress the dreams so she didn’t have to see him and deal with the pain and if it actually worked. You wondered if she would have been happier if she hadn't.

You never got the chance to ask. She had never cared enough to let you.

“Emily said sometimes our feelings translate to the dreams,” Lindsey hummed, drawing random patterns in the sand. “Like when Kelley is sad, it rains. Or when she’s missing Kelley it’ll be unbearably hot,”

You nodded, digesting the information. You could understand that logic. Emily always did love physical contact when she was sad, so forcing her soulmate to cuddle with her naked made sense to you, but you weren’t sure it applied ot you and Lindsey.

If anything the discrepancies in how you were dressed would only indicate how much the two of you were on completely different pages. Ice prickled in your veins at the thought, so you banished it.

“I’m not sure,” You said slowly, pinching a bit of smooth sand. “I haven’t really given this whole thing that much thought,”

It was the truth. You had been wholeheartedly consumed with acting like the cold sludge in your stomach didn’t roll every time she looked at you. You were consumed with pretending that you weren’t being numbed from the inside out.

Her head dipped in agreement, as she cupped another handful of sand and slowly let it drip from her palm, forming perfect sandcastles. “I think we’re in your dream this time. I’ve never been here,”

“It’s New Smyrna Beach,” You supplied easily, letting the velvety sand run through your fingers, enjoying how the cool granules contrasted with Lindsey’s burning gaze. “It’s on the east coast of Florida, just south of Saint Augustine,”

Lindsey made a low noise, and you could practically hear the wheels turning in her head. Everyone knew you had gone to Florida after the World Cup, but very few actually knew where you had gone. You were incredibly tight-lipped about it, no matter how hard Lindsey pressed.

You were sure that your surroundings, complete with the one person orange tent you had stayed in, weren’t what she had in mind.

“You vacationed there after we got back from France,” She said finally, and you had to fight to keep your face neutral, to keep the full body shiver from rocking through you.

You wouldn’t necessarily call the months you had spent as a beach bum a vacation. It had been a necessary evil. An escape.

A way to outrun the emotions that being back in fucking France had brought up. A way to get that coach’s voice out of your head, because scoring twice on the team that represented him just hadn’t been enough to quiet those thoughts. A way to pretend like you and Lindsey hadn’t-

You shook your head. You weren’t supposed to think of the night of the world cup. Of what would have been had Kelley not knocked on your door.

It was probably for the best. You wouldn’t have been able to handle being one of her regrets on top of everything else.

“You never told me what you were doing down here,” She mumbled, seemingly offhandedly, but you knew better. You could tell how invested in the conversation thought the sudden tightness in her back, and the way she was deathgripping the sand.

You shrugged, trying to be nonchalant. “Surfing mostly,”

It wasn’t a total lie. You had spent most of your days surrounded by the waves, covered in salt water and sand. It was easy not to think when you were in the surf.

“You wouldn’t answer anyone's calls,” Lindsey pushed further.

You tried not to flinch at the distinct wobble in her voice. It made the sludge in your chest slosh and the ice crystals in your veins to grow. You never wanted to hurt her.

You waved your hand towards the north end of the beach, masking your wince. “I threw my phone off a pier,”

“But why?”

Her hand caught your arm, forcing you to look at her. Her blue eyes burned. They reminded you of how they looked the night you told her what the coaching staff at PSG was doing to you. They rendered you naked and exposed. They pleaded with your very soul.

But you couldn't tell her. She had asked you to be normal. She asked that nothing change.

It was more important to you to keep your promise.

“I just,” You averted your eyes, searching the lapping sea for the answer. To tell her without telling her. “I needed a break. It was too hard,”

You wanted her to acknowledge what had happened between the two of you. You wanted her to admit that it wasn’t just a passing moment brought on by the excitement of winning the world cup. You desperately wanted her to admit that the two of you had been soulmates long before you shared your first dream.

It was selfish, you knew that, to expect that of her, but you craved it.

It had been too hard for you to stay around her when she wasn’t going to do any of those things.

“You’ve never shut me out like that before,” Lindsey said desperately. “Why couldn’t you have taken a break in Portland,” You swore an unspoken “with me” belonged out the end of the sentence.

You shrugged. She wasn’t at a place where she would understand.

“My brother lives in Miami,” You explained softly, your tooth catching your top lip as you tried to string together the right words. “I thought that maybe I’d be able to… I don’t know… understand him more if I was down here,”

It was easier to throw blame on him, to hide behind your family problems to avoid everything. Lindsey could understand those.

“Did it help?” She asked earnestly, and it made your chest ache. She cared just not in the way you so desperately wanted her to.

“No.” You snorted. “He’s as much of an ass as he always was but the waves, the sun, and the sand were good for me,”

She nodded, elbowing your upper arm. “You did have one hell of a tan after you came back,”

“Can’t get that in Portland,” You chuckled.

“Ty says Greece is the best place to get a tan,”

It was like a pin in the sudden balloon that had filled your chest.

You sucked in a shallow breath, trying to pretend like it didn’t hurt. Trying to pretend like his very name didn’t send a numb wave through you and have your mothers cackling laugh resounding in your head.

Your soulmate had chosen someone else. You weren’t worthy of her.

“Greece is ok,” You shrugged, dragging your fingers through the sand, and picking up a handful. “This beach is less crowded. It kinda grew on me.”

You flipped your hand on its side, letting the sand slide through, landing in a perfectly imperfect tower shape. You tried not to think about how much it represented you. How things seemed to fall into place, and out of place all at the same time.

“I’ll have to suggest it to him,” She hummed, completely unaware of your inner war.

“Yeah,” You muttered, breathing out through your nose, willing yourself to just wake up.

You forced yourself to watch the sand as it trickled through your fingers, begging whoever would listen in your head to just let you open your eyes.

You didn’t want to share this place with anyone besides Lindsey.

Especially not the person who she had chosen over you. The person who would always be more worthy than you.

*****

You had known that you weren’t going to fool Christen or Tobin. Both women just knew you too well.

Maybe that’s why you didn’t send your usual check in text after you landed- though you would argue it was because you passed out from exhaustion later. Maybe it was because you weren’t even sure how to put what had happened into words. Every time you tried, they got stuck in your throat. You couldn’t even look yourself in the eyes in your bathroom mirror and say that Lindsey was your soulmate and you were ok with her not wanting you. (not that you spent an hour trying).

But you should have known that by not sending the little text, it would tip them off more than they already were.

It was something so small, but so fundamental in your relationship with them. It started while you, Lindsey and Tobin were still at PSG. It was a way for her to help you stop the things that were happening, and it included Christen shortly after Tobin had rescued you and Lindsey.

The curly hair forward had taken to you immediately, and vice versa. So much so that the team teased she was your team mom. But your relationship was so much deeper. You went to her with your worry and for advice when you didn’t know how to navigate a situation, and she cared for you in a way that your own family never had.

You always texted her because you didn’t want her to worry.

Except this time you hadn’t.

You had half expected her to show up at your apartment the next morning before practice, a cup of coffee in hand, but all that had been waiting for you was a text, hoping you had gotten back to your studio apartment safely.

You were grateful that she didn’t. It gave you time to get a handle on the numbness that did everything in its power to consume you. To get a handle on the slowly dying tissue around the sludge in your chest.

You weren’t surprised Christen was waiting for you, leaning against the front of her car when you pulled up to the practice field, but she didn’t pounce on you the second you got out of the car.

She let you get out and grab your bag from the front seat, waiting until you were nearly at her car before she pushed off the hood. She paused, gently grasping your shoulders tightly for a long moment, before pulling you into a tight hug.

The hug you so desperately needed.

It fought against the cool numbness that seemed content to settle in your veins.

“Hey kid,” She hummed into your hair, squeezing you tightly.

You leaned into her comfort, burying your head into her neck and hugging her back just as tightly. “Hey,”

Her hands rubbed up and down your back, letting you cling to her for several long minutes, before very slowly pulling away. She held you at arms length, again searching you for something.

“You feeling alright?” Her voice was soft, gently, the voice she only used when she was worried. The voice she had used the first time you stepped into Emily’s apartment after Florida.

“Yeah,” You nodded, smiling tightly up at her. “Just tired. All this flying around the country takes it out of a person,”

Her shoulders relaxed a bit at your half-hearted attempt at a joke.

“I’m sure it had nothing at all to do with the shows you put on in Columbus and Chester,” she chuckled, letting you go so the two of you could head towards the practice field.

“And yet Vlatko is still up my ass like a suppository,” You grumbled, beginning to walk towards the training field.“I think he told me about the U20’s coming to take my sport more times than he talked about tactics,”

“What else happened at camp?”

She tried to ask the question casually, but you knew it was anything but. You wondered how much Emily had told her.

You shrugged. “The usual,”

“Really?”Christen asked incredulously. “That’s why Emily was sending texts last night to make sure we checked on you?”

Usually, your first descriptors were of your friends, followed by a story about whatever shenanigans you all had gotten up to. The only time you hadn’t was the camp right after the World Cup. The only time Emily had texted them in warning was right after the World Cup too.

You couldn’t help the low “traitor” that left your lips.

“What Emily does is her prerogative,” You grumbled back, pulling your bag more tightly to your shoulder. “And I turned my phone off. I passed out when I got home, and the buzzing kept waking me up,”

Her head tilted to the side. Her and Tobin had only texted you once each.

“What happened in the groupchat?” She paused, her fingers closing around your wrist and pulling you to a stop.

You shrugged, finding a pebble under your sneaker more interesting than Christen’s concerned eyes.

You never wanted her to worry. It made the pit in your stomach bubble. Another reason you would never be worthy of a soulmate.

“Come on,” She pressed, her other hand catching your chin and gently forcing you to look up. “What’s happening?”

You didn’t miss the double meaning to her words. You rarely did.

“I’m not sure,” You sighed, only telling a half-truth. “I don’t find a point in keeping up with Lindsey and Mal and their boyfriend drama,”

You couldn’t help the bitterness that leaked into your voice. It hurt every time she mentioned him in the chat, like she was twisting the dagger in your chest just a little more. Like she was reminding you how much better for her he was.

Plus the never ending text chain from your brother made you flinch every time you opened your Lock Screen.

Christen’s eyes studied you for a long minute, before she nodded once. You knew she wasn’t fooled.

You were afraid if she pressed harder you would crumble. You were thankful she let go of your chin and allowed you to head back towards the field.

You had no doubt she would be watching you.

****

Christen hadn’t needed you to forget to send her your normal made it home safe text to know something was wrong. She also hadn’t needed Emily’s heads up.

She had known something was off before you went to camp, and now, well it was painfully obvious to her that things were getting worse instead of better. There was an odd tension that coated your every movement. A strange hesitance where she had never seen you hesitate before.

But she knew better than to confront you with it, that would only make you slip further back into the shell you had built long ago to protect yourself. It would only make you hide your pain more in some convoluted attempt to protect whoever. It would only make you run.

She waited and watched and worried her bottom lip as you fumbled your way through warmups.

It wasn’t that you were playing sloppy. It was that your head just didn't seem in it. You weren’t having fun and it was painfully obvious.

You didn’t have your characteristic easy smile as drills started. Instead your face was etched with worry lines and stoicism that Christen had only seen from you during the tail end of your time in France.

“Jesus Christ,” You grumbled as Simone again drove the defenders the wrong way, forcing the little pocket you had found yourself in to close, and cutting off the shot you were trying to set up.

Christen raised her eyebrow at you, passing you a water as you hit the sidelines.

You were usually pretty good with the young players, offering advice and rarely snapping when they made mistakes. You liked to teach and you knew people didn’t learn when you yelled at them.

“They don’t know how to split the fucking defenders and they keep driving everyone towards me,” you explained, gesturing towards the two other forwards Freya had paired you with. “I’ve told them 3 times that the back line will continue to collapse the pockets if they don’t keep their spacing,”

“They’re young,” Christen supplied easily, her eyes tracing your features, noting how much more prominent the dark circles under your eyes were in the streaming sunlight.

“But they don’t know how to fucking listen,” You huffed, spraying more water into your mouth. “At least Emily and Rose pay attention when I talk,”

“You, Emily, Rose, and Lindsey have more practice,” She said pointedly, noting the omission of the blond midfielder in your sentence. “They’ve had time to gel with you. The new kids will get it, it’ll just take some time and patience,”

You rolled your eyes in time with your shoulders, trying to ignore the shiver that ran down your spine at the mere mention of Lindsey’s name. You didn’t have the right to feel the feelings curling uncomfortably in your chest. “We don’t have time, and I’m running out of patience,”

Christen’s eyebrows furrowed. While you weren’t one of the most patient people on the planet, you always showed patients with the young ones. You showed them the same courtesy that you wished someone had shown you.

“I just want to play, and it’s like they’re not even on my team,” You muttered, earning an even deeper frown.

She wondered how deep it went. How much it related to whatever happened at camp and not the young LA team.

“Listen to me,” Christen said gently, grabbing your shoulders, trying to catch your eyes. “We are on your team. What’s going on?”

You closed your eyes, running a frustrated hand through your hair. “It’s not fucking acceptible. I had 18 shots on goal in the game against Uzbekistan, I only scored 5 a piece. I can’t fucking link up with them. It just…”

You paused, the words seemingly getting stuck in your throat, and you waved your hand helplessly.

“You’re under a lot of pressure,” She supplied easily, grabbing your hand and squeezing 3 times. A silent I Love You, but it didn’t loosen the knot in your chest.

“I was fucking distracted. It’s not acceptable,” You huffed, running another hand through your already tousled hair. It was hard to focus when all you saw every time you closed your eyes was a mix of blue and blonde. It was hard to focus when all you could do was dissect every interaction you had out of fear you were too close or not close enough. You didn’t know how to be without Lindsey, but you couldn’t act like she wanted you to. “I need-“

“To relax,” Christen cut you off gently, her eyes searching you for a clue at what was bothering you, for a peek inside your head, for a reason you were so tense. “You need to relax,”

You blew out a long breath. You had always played your best when you were relaxed, dancing in the locker room with your friends before a game. It was hard when you were struggling to even call your best friend your friend anymore.

“What’s got you so wound?” She asked you, worry evident in her tone. “What’s going on in that head of yours,”

Things didn’t usually turn out well when you internalized your emotions. You buried your feelings until they boiled over, and your favorite target for that pain was yourself. The scars on your legs and back were proof of that.

“I just-,” You sighed, shaking your head and chewing your lip, glancing towards your teammates (none of which had earned your unyielding trust). “It’s complicated,”

Christen sighed, glancing towards the team behind you. She understood your hesitancy to talk in front of them. You were hesitant enough when no one was watching.

“How about you come over for dinner, I’ll have Tobin make your favorite and we can chat and relax over some wine?” The striker offered you gently, squeezing your arm.

“Yeah,” You sighed, leaning into the hand, taking any support you could get. “Dinner would be nice,”

****

As it turned out, dinner was nice. Tobin made you Mac and cheese and Christen poured you a too expensive glass of wine, and you couldn’t help but relax as they chatted about their latest re-inc project.

It was nice to let them distract you, even if it felt a bit like you were under a microscope. They were just so good at reading you.

But no one had mentioned what they saw yet. No one had mentioned how often your phone buzzed, or how you sunk a bit anytime they ventured towards the topic of the team.

You blew out a long breath, taking a short sip of your wine, resting your elbows on the railing of Tobin’s balcony.

The Los Angeles skyline twinkled below you, nearly as good as Portland, but not quite.

At least it didn’t make your chest ache like you knew the Koin Center and Wells Fargo building would.

You couldn’t look at them without thinking of her. Your life was so intertwined with hers that you feared it would be like that anywhere you went.

But that was your problem. Not Lindsey’s.

You sighed, pulling another long sip of your wine as the glass door slid open behind and a familiar presence settled beside you.

You didn’t have to look to know who it was.

“Thanks for dinner,” You mumbled, swirling your wine around your glass, wishing it was something stronger instead. “Mama Heath’s Mac and cheese is always the best,”

“No problem,” Tobin shrugged, and it was easy. Familiar. “I’ll have to tell her you think so,”

“Sorry, I’m not great company,” You muttered, sipping your glass.

You felt Tobin shrug. “We just want you to know we’re here for you,”

You nodded. You did know that they were there for you. They had always been there for you. Tobin had helped you in France, acting as a shield between you and the coaching staff. She had worked with Emily to find you after France and remind you that it wasn’t soccer that you hated. Christen had been the one to orchestrate your trade to LA after things got too weird for you in Portland.

They had always been there to help you pick up the pieces of yourself and work through your emotions. They were the family you never had.

But they were Lindsey’s family too.

You didn’t want them to turn on her because of you, but you felt like you had to tell someone what was happening. Like finally saying it out loud would quell the chilling acid in your chest.

And if anyone would understand it was Tobin.

“I met my soulmate,” you admitted softly, sipping the last bit of wine out of your glass.

“I would congratulate you, but I’m sensing a but,” She breathed out, and you felt her eyes in the side of your face.

Worried and not judgemental.

Your lips tilted up at the answer. “She doesn’t want to be my soulmate,”

“Did she tell you that?” Tobin pressed, gently taking the glass from your hand.

It was only then that you realized how tightly you clutched the fragile edge.

“She has a boyfriend, and she loves him. She’s made it incredibly clear,” You couldn’t keep the bitter edge out of your voice, a look at the gaping wound in your chest, oozing every time you so much as thought about it.

“Damn,” Tobin sighed, placing both of your glasses on the balcony table and wrapping an arm around your shoulder. “Is she someone we know?”

“Yep,” You popped the p, your finger playing with a crack in the balcony’s handrail, debating whether or not you were going to tell her more. Debating if you would risk them turning on Lindsey. “I get to see her all the time,”

“That sucks,” She agreed.

You hummed.

It did suck. Really sucked.

What sucked worse was that you had agreed to be her friend afterward. They always said it was better to have your soulmate in some capacity than none, but God did it fucking hurt. It was like she had to prove how much better her boyfriend was than you, and you hated the feeling in the pit of your stomach when she showed that she was right.

You should be able to be an adult about this.

But you just…. Couldn’t.

You let the silence linger between you, feeling more comfortable than you had in weeks in Tobin’s presence.

If anyone understood, she did. You knew that.

“Christen was dating someone when you dreamt with her for the first time, wasn’t she?” You asked softly, keeping your eyes on the Las Angeles skyline, and trying to ignore her sharp intake of breath.

Tobin swallowed hard, squeezing your shoulder, seemingly trying to gain the strength to answer you.

“She was,” She admitted, and you heard the strain in her voice.

You blinked at her honesty, finally looking up at her thoughtful expression. “How did you work through that?”

“We were in college. We were rivals more than anything else,” She explained, grimacing slightly at what you assumed was embarrassment or pain at the memory. “It changed after we got to go to camp together. We were drawn together like magnets, and at some point, she wasn’t dating him anymore and I was available so it just kind of happened,”

You nodded, your lips forming a thin line, your heart sinking just a bit.

Lindsey knew you and had decided she didn’t want to be your soulmate. You were friends. She knew you and had decided that you weren’t good enough.

“Does it ever go away?” The question was soft, and vulnerable as it left your lips.

“The weight in your stomach?” Tobin asked you gently. You nodded once and she squinted, taking a long second to find the answer. “Mine didn’t leave until we were together for a while,”

“Did she feel it too?” You asked.

It was the question you wanted to know since you had the dream. Did she feel the same sludge in her chest that you did? Was she in the same pain you were? Was she avoiding sleep too?

“I don’t think that’s a me question,” Tobin said slowly, and you felt yourself deflate just a bit. “It’s not something Chris and I talk about a lot, but I know that we were both hurting in different ways,”

“I think it would be easier if she didn’t want to be friends,” You admitted. It made you feel guilty that part of you wished you didn't know Lindsey. That you didn’t share the history you did. “At least then I wouldn’t have to hear about him,”

You missed Tobins furrowed eyes as she tried to figure out exactly who it was. She knew better than to ask, that would only cause you to pull away.

“I felt that way too, but I think the silence was worse in the end,” She answered after a long second.

You blinked up at her, pulling out of her embrace just far enough to see her expression. “How did you deal with it?”

She chuckled darkly. “I didn’t,”

You could understand why someone wouldn't. You didn’t want to deal with it either, but it felt like you were being forced to.

“I cut her off completely, which wasn’t a problem until we were on the same team,” Tobin continued, shaking her head.

You nodded, understanding the feeling. If only it were that simple. Lindsey was competitive and stubborn, and you knew she wouldn’t let you cut her off. Not after you already agreed that nothing would be different.

Tobin squeezed your shoulder as if could feel your pain.

“Just tell her how you feel,” She suggested gently, “sometimes all it takes is a conversation,”

“It’s Lindsey,” You snorted, shaking your head. “She already knows how I feel,”

There was an unspoken- and she still didn’t want me- that hung in the air.

You barely heard Tobin’s “Oh,” but you felt her squeeze you even tighter.

“Yeah, oh,” You sighed miserably.

“I mean, I’m not surprised you two are soulmates,” Tobin said, her chin resting on top of your head. “You’ve been pining after each other forever,”

You chuckled bitterly. You had been tied at the hip since you were 17, dancing the line between friends and something more, crossing that line more times than you’d like to admit. “Except now she has a boyfriend, and she doesn’t want things to change between us,”

“Except things have changed,” Tobin supplied, holding you closer.

“I promised her they wouldn’t,” You mumbled.

Tobin blew out a long breath. “That’s tough kid,”

And you wondered if that was the crux of your pain. Would it feel different if you hadn’t said yes? Would it hurt less?

A long silence stretched between you, comforting in a way that words wouldn’t have been, and you glanced back through the door to see Christen working too hard on drying a plate.

“Just,” Tobin said slowly, shaking her head as if she knew something you didn’t. “Just tell her how you feel, and give her some time. She’ll come around,”

You hummed, neither agreeing or disagreeing. You doubted she would ever see you for more than her friend. You doubted she would ever deem you worthy enough to be her soulmate.

“Do you think Christen is done with the dishes? Or is she waiting for your signal?” You asked instead of arguing with her. Arguing wouldn’t do you any good.

You appreciated their subtlety, but you knew the striker had to be stalling.

Tobin shrugged, unfazed at getting caught. “She knows it’s easier for you to talk to me, but she’s worried too. Especially about the way your phone has been blowing up,”

You cringed. You were hoping that they wouldn’t bring it up, despite how often it had interrupted your dinner. “People think if they harass me, I’ll be more likely to answer and say yes,”

Tobin let out a low snort. “They obviously don’t know you’re more inclined to destroy it than answer,”

“At least I didn’t throw it off a pier this time,” You chuckled, running a hand through your hair. You didn’t want to talk about your phone, or your brother’s inability to take a fucking hint. You knew Tobin would be less inclined to let you avoid explanation.

She squeezed your shoulder. “I know you don’t want to talk about whatever, but Just know Chris and I are here for you, no matter what,”

You gulped but nodded nonetheless.

“Are you going to tell her?”

The question was soft, hesitant, and showed the vulnerability you were reluctant to ever express.

“You know we don’t keep secrets from each other,” Tobin reminded you gently.

You swallowed again. You knew transparency was important to them. That they never kept secrets from each other. “I just don’t want her to lose you guys,”

Tobin sighed heavily.

It was just like you to try to help Lindsey even if it killed you, to ensure that she would be ok despite how much she had already hurt you.

“Neither of you will lose us,” She said finally, pulling you tighter to her. “But I won’t let her mistreat you either,”

You hummed, burying your face in her neck, accepting the comfort it was clear you needed.

“Come on kid. Chris got chocolate cake because she knows it’s your favorite,” Tobin said, patting your back. “We can have a movie night and you can crash here if you want,”

You hummed, nodding into her neck. “That would be nice,”

You knew she was asking for her own peace of mind. She knew you better than you knew yourself. She knew you would spiral if they let you.

And you would let yourself be protected.

*****

You would never get used to the feeling of waking up in a shared dream. The weird way the colors blended, and you were overcome with the most potent form of dejavu you had ever encountered.

The world blurred into focus. Like you were spinning too fast and then suddenly came to a stop. Like you were seeing the world upside down and suddenly it was right side up.

It made you want to vomit, despite the aching slush being absent from your stomach.

It killed you as your eyes opened, because everything felt right, and you knew that it was anything but. It was only a matter of time before you were reminded of how unworthy of your soulmate you were.

You sighed, closing your fingers around the soft grass underneath you. The bed that was softer than your real childhood bed. The safe space that had always welcomed you until you moved to france.

You let out a low breath, loathe to sit up and actually face the woman you knew was beside you.

This place was too sacred for you to desecrate. You tried to remember that you were really on Tobin and Christen’s couch, tucked under one of their blankets like you had been for the last 3 weeks. You tried to remember that nothing that happened here would be real.

“How is this grass so soft?”

You squeezed your eyes shut even tighter at her voice, hoping that you could make it hurt less if you didn’t look at her.

“Mr. Barns used to water it by hand,” You said softly, remembering the summer days your mother kicked you out of the house at 6 and didn’t let you back in until well past dinner. If she let you back in. “I helped him sometimes in the summer. He would give me lunch,”

She hummed, and you felt her settle down beside you, so your arms were nearly touching. “You don’t talk about your childhood a lot,”

Goosebumps erupted on your skin where her elbow brushed you, and you gulped. “I don’t like to think about it. It wasn’t a normal childhood,”

“Did any of us have a normal childhood?” Lindsey countered, trying to copy what you and her had deemed Tobins wise old lady voice.

It made you shiver. She knew how bad your childhood was. She had heard the stories of the horror stories that haunted you at night.

You cleared your throat, averting your gaze. “I used to sleep out here sometimes. It was easier than going home,”

You ran your hand over the grass as if to prove your point.

“Why am I not surprised you preferred to sleep on a soccer field as a kid,” Lindsey snorted, and you bit your lip to avoid cringing.

She made it sound like you had chosen to sleep on the field. Like your mother hadn’t given you the choice of being locked in a closet or sleeping outside.

“Yeah,” You muttered, running a hand through your hair. “I don’t like to talk about it,”

Lindsey made a noise in the back of her throat, too focused on picking a blade of grass. “How about we talk about the radio silence then,”

You stiffened, your back going rigid. “Everyone’s just lucky I didn’t throw my phone off Tobin’s balcony,”

Lindsey chuckled as though you were being sarcastic (you weren’t). “That many girls have been blowing you up?”

Your head tilted to the side, and your eyebrows furrowed without your consent. You didn’t understand her fascination with your sex life. Not that you had one. Not since France…

“What girls?”

It slipped past your lips before you could think to stop it, confusion clear in your voice.

Lindsey scoffed. “You can’t seriously tell me that you haven’t been hooking up. You haven't answered any of my calls or texts,”

Her voice was almost… possessive. Your frown deepened, and you shook away the thought. There was no way, right? It wouldn’t make sense with how she had her very own boyfriend.

“My brother has been harassing me. I shoved it in my sock drawer to dampen the sound,” You said, your voice softer than you expected it to be.

A byproduct of your inner surprise you told yourself. Definitely not because you needed her to know that there was no one else for you. Definitely not because it made the sludge in your chest suddenly reappear when she mentioned that she thought you were seeing other people.

It didn’t make sense. It wasn’t fair. But what out of any of this had been?

“Oh,” Lindsey muttered, her fingers catching the grass and rolling it between her fingers, and you could have sworn you saw her nose crinkle at the mention of him. “What does he want?”

Your shoulders lifted and fell, both because you didn’t want to answer the question and because you wished she had been dejected for another reason. You wished she cared enough to be bothered that it wasn’t just her you were ignoring. Instead, she looked relieved.

“I’m not taking his calls,” You answered your voice more horse than you intended it to be, showing more emotions than you wanted to. “He’s an asshole,”

Lindsey paused at your characterization, her shoulders slumping in a way you didn’t quite understand. “Am I an asshole too?”

You could see how she made the jump, but that wasn’t why you were avoiding her. It just hurt too much to hear how wonderful Ty was to her. How he was so much better than you.

Really, it had been Christen's suggestion after a particularly bad day had nearly sent you into a panic attack and you wouldn’t tell her why. It was bad enough that you had spilled your guts to Tobin. They didn’t need to know the pressure your brother was putting on you.

You shook your head. “You’re not trying to guilt trip me into doing things I don’t want to,”

It was technically the truth, though it wasn’t entirely accurate. You didn’t want to pretend like everything was fine, but it was nothing in comparison to your brother’s request. His demand. His inability to take no for an answer.

“What does he want you to do?”

You felt Lindsey’s eyes on the side of your face, and the concern seeping through her words. It nearly caught you off guard. It nearly let your brain slip into the place where you could convince yourself that the thing between you hadn’t changed. That she cared about you in the way you cared about her.

You gulped, finally gaining the courage to look up from the grass and meet her eyes. They were burning blue, just as they had been so many times before. Protective in a way that only Lindsey could be. Loved in a way that you had only felt when you were with her. It sent a shiver down your spine.

It made you feel like she cared. As a friend you reminded yourself.

Only a friend.

“It’s complicated,” You finally settled on the phrase.

“More complicated than Florida?” She fired back like she already had the remark prepared.

You cringed. She probably did. You hated that Florida had become her litmus test for you, even when the situations were entirely unrelated.

Your brother had Ignored you while you were in Florida. The only person you spoke to was Emily when the nurse wouldn’t let you check out of the hospital on your own. That was the only reason anyone knew anything.

You hated that Lindsey couldn’t seem to let it go.

“It’s different,” You hedged carefully, rolling a blade of grass between your fingers. “He’s asking me to forget that they didn’t want me,”

You didn’t think it was fair for him to try to leverage your mother's dying wish against you, even after all of the shit she had done. And you tried not to think about how much Lindsey didn’t want you.

Lindsey frowned, and you could see the wheels turning in her head.

She reached over and caught your hand, oblivious to the shivers it sent through your spine and how even the small touch made goosebumps appear in her wake.

Your head jerked up to meet her blue. “It would be their loss. Not yours,”

You gulped, trying not to focus on how the words felt like she was twisting the knife in your chest just a bit, or how the place where her hand touched your arm felt like it was on fire.

It wasn’t a fair statement. How could it be when she didn't even want you, and she was tied to you? You wanted to ask if it was her loss.

Your shoulders lifted and dropped.

It was the safest response you could muster. One that wouldn’t force her to reinforce how much she didn’t want you. One that would allow you to delude yourself into thinking she cared.

Lindsey sighed.

She had always been good at reading you.

“You promised me nothing would change,” She mumbled, and you shrunk a bit. Her voice was soft, caring, and concerned. It lured you in.

You shook your head. “Things haven’t changed,”

The words felt like acid in your throat. You could hear the thinness in them. The lie.

Everything had changed.

You knew Lindsey heard it too. Her raised eyebrow told you as much.

You sighed, “I’m trying, alright?”

It was too soft. Too vulnerable.

And you watched Lindsey’s face change.

“It shouldn’t be so hard,” She gritted out, and you flinched at the sudden ice in her voice. The edge waiting to slice you open. “Why can’t you just be normal? We’re friends.”

You gulped down the retort on the top of your tongue. The words that would blow everything wide open.

You and Lindsey had always been on the edge of friends. Friends didn’t do the things the two of you did.

“I’m just…-“ You paused, looking down at her hand still on your arm. “I have a lot going on. I’m doing my best,”

You repeated the words that Christen had given you, and you felt Lindsey relax. Her fingers tightened around your forearm.

“Just remember you’re not alone,”

Your head tilted to the side. You knew those words were carefully chosen as well.

“I’ll try,” You sighed, pulling away and willing yourself to wake up. It didn’t hurt so much when you could pretend she didn’t care. When you couldn’t see the concern etched across her features. “I’m trying,”

Her fingers tightened around your arm as the scene faded away like she was trying to keep you there, even as you jerked into consciousness.

You could have sworn she was saying something. A part of you wanted to know what it was, but the larger part of you was grateful that you didn’t.

No matter what it was, it would make everything hurt that much worse. The ache in your chest was already unbearable most days.

You sighed, running your knuckles into the place where your heart throbbed, pushing yourself up off of the couch.

It was worse when she pretended like she cared, even when you knew she didn’t. Not in the way you wanted her to.

You ran a hand through your hair, grabbing a stray ball that way laying around and heading towards the door. Hopefully, some practice would quell the gnawing hole slowly growing in your chest.

All you could do was try.

*******

You thought you understood exhaustion when you were in France. You thought you understood it during your second season when you played every minute you were available in Portland. you thought you understood it at the very end of last camp.

In the 4 months since you had your first shared dream, you realized that there was an entirely new level of weariness and fatigue beyond anything you had ever experienced. It settled deep into your bones, replacing your normal energy with lead. It ate away at your soul, and you feared that when all was said and done there would be nothing of yourself left.

You knew that was the consequence of being rejected by your soulmate, of not being good enough for your soulmate, and of your refusal to sleep. You couldn’t share dreams if you didn’t have them.

You would slowly lose everything that made you yourself.

What was more shocking to you was that your on-field performance hadn’t wavered, despite the wide berth the team gave you when you weren’t on the pitch. It had only gotten better, according to every commentator in the NWSL.

You supposed it made sense, the suffocation of your soul leading to a more cold and calculating performance. Or maybe it was just your pain coming out in aggression toward the unfortunate defenders that you played against.

Either way, you were having the season of your life, and you were hating every single moment of it.

“I’m not going,” You mumbled, as you pulled your shin guards out of your socks, barely looking up at Christen. “You can tell Kelley I got sick or whatever, but I don’t want to deal with it,”

It took effort to look up, and you knew it would just show her how little sleep you were getting despite their insistence that you stay on their couch.

It would also take effort to go to dinner with Kelley and Emily after the game and to pretend like you weren’t slowly disintegrating from the inside out.

“Or you can tell her and Emily yourself,” The striker countered, settling down on the bench next to you, careful not to touch you as you had been particularly sensitive after your last shared dream. “Unless you skip the game, you’re going to see them,”

You cursed under your breath, tossing your guards into your bag with too much force. Why couldn’t things ever be easy? “Freya won’t let me skip the Washington game,”

“Not a chance,” Tobin agreed, settling down on your other side, effectively trapping you between them.

You had been playing too well for your coach to let you sit out without giving a good reason, and trying to explain that you didn’t want to see your friends because your soulmate was your other friend and she had a fucking boyfriend wasn’t something you wanted to do. No matter how nice the coach was.

“Damn it,” You grumbled, leaning back on the wall beside your locker with a thump. It was almost too much for your tired brain to work through.

You had partially forgotten that you would see Kelley and Emily at the game as well as after.

It was once in a season that you got to play Kelley and Emily in LA, so of course, they wanted to hang out after the game. Normally you would be excited to see your best friend and her soulmate, but since your last shared dream with Lindsey, you were dreading it.

Hell, you had been dreading it since you started ignoring your phone.

You loved Emily and Kelley, but they were too perceptive for their own good. They would ask questions you didn’t want to answer and slowly pry the truth from you. Then they would hate Lindsey, and that wasn’t fair to her.

She had been friends with Lindsey longer than she had been friends with you after all.

Or it was possible that they both already knew. That Lindsey had already told them, and they were just waiting for the right opportunity to tell you how much they agreed with her. To confirm what you already knew, that you were unworthy of your soulmate.

You could still feel the tingle of Lindsey’s fingers on your arm, her words “it would be their loss” still lingered in your brain like a bad cough despite them being spoken nearly two weeks ago.

You shivered.

Either way, you couldn’t face them. You couldn’t deal with the possibilities. You couldn’t bear to see Emily’s disappointed gaze. You wouldn’t be able to stand it if you lost her too, despite the way you were pushing her away.

There was a reason you had called her when you were in Florida instead of anyone else. A reason that you had clung to her afterward.

She treated you like you were normal. Despite almost drowning in Florida. Despite her having to check you out of the hospital. Despite you running away in France after you and Lindsey almost-...

“It’ll be fun,” Christen said, nudging your shoulder. “we’ll talk about Bagel and the Spirit drama, and all you have to do is smile and nod,”

“She’ll hate me when she finds out,” you groaned, scrubbing your eyes, your nails digging and scraping at the skin above your eyebrows. You were never good at hiding things from Emily or Kelley for that matter.

You should be able to be reasonable and be Lindsey’s friend. You should be able to respect her wishes. She was right, it shouldn’t be so hard.

But it just hurt so fucking much. It didn’t matter how nice she was about it, every interaction felt like a knife slipping between your ribs and into the soft, vulnerable tissue, twisting unrelentingly, intent on bleeding you out.

Christen caught your hands, carefully pulling them away from your eyes and laying them flat against her thigh. She rubbed soothing circles on the back of your palm. “No one will hate you,”

“You’re not the one who is being malicious,” Tobin added, in a tone that made you believe she 100% thought someone was.

You frowned. Lindsey hadn’t done anything outright yet. Well, anything besides telling you that she loved her boyfriend, and while that hurt you, it wasn’t a direct shot across the bow. It also wasn’t anything deserving of Tobin’s direct ire.

You regretted telling the midfielder-turned-winger about the back-and-forth game Lindsey seemed to enjoy. You regretted telling her how much it hurt you to not understand. To know exactly where you stood, the place you had always stood with Lindsey, in the blurry no man's land between friend and more than friend. A place filled with landmines and barbed wire poised to destroy you at the first misstep.

You had already been cut more times than you’d like to admit.

You pulled your hand out of her grip, running it through your messy curls, serving only to make them more wild. You hadn’t had the energy to style it, but now you were regretting that decision. It would be a bitch to fix later.

You felt Christen and Tobin share a look over your head, communicating without words. You wanted to ask if that was a soulmate thing or just a preath thing because you doubted you would ever be in a place with Lindsey where you would be able to find out on your own.

“Lindsey might not have told them yet,” Christen said gently. You felt her eyes return to the side of your face, and her fingers carefully weaved into your hair beginning to undo the knots. “And we don’t have to tell them either,”

Tobin’s hand found the back of your neck, digging into the knot that always appeared there. You sighed. Their efforts at coercion were rather effective, especially with the three hours of sleep you had gotten (despite their best efforts).

“But what if she did?” You asked, your voice showing more vulnerability than you wanted. “What if she told Emily that I wasn’t keeping my promise? That I wasn’t being a good friend?”

Tobin snorted, shaking her head.

It was difficult for her to wrap her head around how you thought anyone would be upset with you in this situation. How you thought that any of this was your fault.

“Kelley will be upset if any of this hurts Emily,” You said, softer. You knew how protective the older defender was, especially of her soulmate.

It was one of the first things you learned about Kelley. She would murder anyone who hurt Emily.

You were in pain, but you didn’t want to die. Not yet at least.

Not by Kelley’s hand.

“We will deal with Kelley,” Christen reassured you, sharing another look with Tobin. On the off chance that Kelley was upset, all it would take would be to mention the word soulmate and she would back off.

It wasn’t just her soulmate she was protective of.

“I don’t want anyone to fight,” You sighed, squeezing your eyes shut yet again, hoping it would help the heaviness in them.

It didn't.

Your phone buzzed obnoxiously in your bag because god forbid you get 30 seconds of peace.

You wished you hadn’t told Lindsey about the calls, even Christen and Tobin hadn’t been able to pry it out of you. You wished you hadn’t used it as your excuse, because it felt like another thing that she could hold over you.

“I just,” You blew out a shaky breath. “I want everything to go back to what it was before I had the stupid, fucking dream,”

At least then you hadn’t had to face the feelings that continually bubbled in your chest. It had been easy to pretend that you didn’t want something more from Lindsey, something she would never give you outside the privacy of shared hotel rooms and fleeting nights in apartments.

It was easy to pretend that her denials hadn’t been slowly unraveling you. That you hadn’t been self-destructing since well before the dream.

“Avoiding sleep to avoid her isn’t helping you,” Christen said softly like she was speaking to a small child. It should have irritated you, but it didn’t. It made warmth bloom in your chest. “And neither is avoiding whoever is constantly calling you,”

“How about we go home, and you can nap,” Tobin suggested, equally as gently, backing off. “And then you can decide if you want to get ‘sick’ after the game when you wake up?”

You nodded, pulling your sweatshirt over your head. Thorns practice was about to begin, so it would be safe.

She wouldn’t be able to follow you, and maybe you would finally get some peace.

Tobin's arm landed heavily on your shoulder as they guided you out of the locker room, and you leaned into her, hoping they would be able to drive the dreams away.

If your soulmate wasn’t going to look out for you, they would.

***** you sucked in a long breath as you blinked into consciousness, shifting awkwardly in your chair.

You frowned. You had never entered one of the dreams sitting, and you idly wondered if the position was due to how you were leaning on Christen’s shoulder as you fell asleep.

You shifted again in the chair, your fingers falling on the engraved trim, your eyes darted to the wood, painted a shiny gold. You dragged your eyes up the white tablecloth, accented with deep red napkins to the Crystal glasses and gold-rimmed plates. Several forks and spoons flanked the plate, glinting in the dim light of the table.

Beyond your plate was a vase, filled to the brim with dark red roses, their color so vivid they looked like they were dripping, bleeding. Much like your heart you supposed.

You shifted again in the chair, straightening your bow tie.

You frowned. You never wore ties.

“What the hell?” You mumbled, your fingers dragging down the satin lapels of the tux you were wearing, towards the shiny red vest that matched the tie.

It was too much. Too fancy. Not at all something you would ever choose for yourself.

“The restaurant had a dress code,”

Your eyes snapped up to meet Lindsey’s piercing blue just beyond the roses, and you lost your breath.

She was stunning.

Her hair shimmered like gold in the low light, pulled to one side, cascading down her shoulder. You fought to keep your eyes from trailing down the plunging neckline of her shiny black dress, focusing instead on the sparkling diamond necklace around her neck. You dragged your eyes up to her red-painted lips and finally met her eyes.

They burned into your soul as she casually sipped her wine like she was trying to read your mind.

“I thought you said dress codes were a no-go,” You muttered, your head tilting to the side. “It’s why you wouldn’t go to the French Laundry with me while we were in New York. You said it was too posh,”

She hummed, sipping her wine slowly, making you wait. “Ty took me out for our anniversary. He wanted to make it nice,”

You swallowed hard, reaching for a glass of water to help your suddenly dry throat.

Of course, she had gone out to fancy dinners with him. Of course, she was dressed up for him. You gulped down the sudden jealousy in your throat.

She was dating him. You didn’t have a right to feel jealous. But the thought of her dressing in something for him made the sludge in your chest roll.

You wondered if you were in the outfit that he had worn to impress her. You wondered if seeing you in it made you feel the way her dress made you feel.

“Did you enjoy yourself?” You asked carefully, placing the water glass back on the table.

It took everything in you to keep your voice calm, level. To pretend.

She hummed. “It was ok. The steak was overpriced and the wine was dry,”

Your nose scrunched. You knew that Lindsey didn’t like the pomp of fancy restaurants. That she preferred tacos and margaritas to 500$ steaks. That she liked light, floral cocktails instead of pretentious wine.

It made you wonder why he didn’t know that.

“Sounds too fancy for me,”

You settled on the comment. It was safe, easy, almost normal.

She snorted. “It was too fancy for me too. Ty picked it,”

You wanted to ask why. If it was their anniversary, shouldn’t he have done something she wanted to do?

You swallowed your question, your comment, smiling pleasantly at her instead. At least you got to be with her like this. “It’s nice he’s being so cool about all of this,”

She paused, her wine glass pressed to her lips, taking too long of a sip before setting it down, swirling the red liquid around the glass. “Yeah,”

Your eyebrows furrowed, noting how her eyes didn’t meet yours and her fingers tapped the rim of the glass.

“You haven’t told him yet,”

It was a statement of fact, incredulous in its delivery, but proven by the way her teeth closed around her bottom red-painted lip.

You didn’t know why you were surprised. Why would she tell him? Keeping it a secret was an entirely Lindsey thing to do.

Still, it made you feel dirty. A secret. Something to be ashamed of.

“Why would I tell him?” Her lips curled around the question dangerously.“Nothing has changed,”

You frowned at that. Everything had changed, whether she wanted to admit it or not. He deserved to know that his girlfriend was seeing another person in her dreams. That you were tied to her for the rest of your life.

“Because I am your soulmate, Lindsey,” You said as though it was obvious, unable to stop it as it slipped past your lips. “Does that mean nothing to you?”

“We are friends,” She gritted out, emphasizing the words. “I have a-,“

“Boyfriend that you love, yes I’ve heard,” You spat back, waving your hand dismissively. It was an old argument, and frankly, you were tired of it. “What are you going to do when he finds his soulmate? I’m not some fucking consolation prize,”

“That’s not. We’re not” She stuttered, her blue eyes wide, but you still couldn’t stop.

“We’re not what Lindsey?” You asked, bitterness creeping into your voice. Bitterness you hadn’t shown her before. “We’ve been dancing around this since we were 16. We’ve kissed more times than I can count. We would have fucked again after the World Cup if Kelley hadn’t knocked on the fucking door, or did you forget that part of our relationship,”

She shook her head, shoving herself up from the table, but you followed her.

You knew you were pushing her, but you couldn’t be ignored. You felt like a volcano erupting, the words bubbling out of you like lava. “How long have you known I was in love with you? How long have you used that to get me to bend to your will? Friends don’t do the things that we do!”

You watched her face morph from shock to anger. Her features hardened before your eyes.

You had pushed too far.

“Look, it’s not my fault that you’ve incorporated me into some gay fantasy of yours. We’re friends,” She hissed and you recoiled like you had been slapped.

The words felt like venom, her voice the needle injecting it straight into your veins.

“What?”

It was the only word you could think of as your brain tried to process what she was saying. As she used the words your mother had used against you when she kicked you out.

“It’s your pattern,” She said, her lips curling. “You did it with Tobin in France. You did it with Emily in Portland. I’m just the next poor soul on your list,”

“No Sonnett is my friend-“ you stumbled over your words, trying to order your thoughts, but she cut you off with a vicious smirk. “And you and her were fucking until she found Kelley,”

Your eyebrows furrowed. you had never slept with Emily. She had been hung up on Kelley just like you we stuck in Lindsey. The only difference was that her and Kelley hadn’t blurred the line like you and Lindsey did. “What the actual fuck are you talking about?”

“She was the one who found you in Florida. You shared her one-bedroom apartment, and you followed Tobin around like a lost puppy in France,”

“Tobin helped me stop our coach from molesting both of us Lindsey,” You ground out, your voice shaking. “Tobin made sure he didn’t fucking kill me with the extra training sessions and lack of food. If anything, she was the one following me around.”

Your chest heaved, but you weren’t finished. “Emily only knows about Florida because they wouldn’t let me check out of the hospital after I went surfing drunk. She didn’t want me to be alone while I was dealing with the fallout of You. We have never slept together,”

You couldn’t help the way you sneered around the word. You couldn’t help how your fist clenched in the table cloth, shifting the too-expensive dining set.

You wanted her to acknowledge you.

“That’s not the point,” She bit back.

“Then what is?” You asked, your hand hitting the table, all of your feelings finally pouring out. “I fucking love you. And I thought that you felt the same. We were back in that godforsaken city and you were kissing me. We would have-“ You shook your head, your voice turning earnest. “It was almost perfect,”

Silence hung between you, punctuated only by your heavy breathing.

Her lips pressed tightly together, and you thought maybe you had gotten through to her. But something flashed in her eyes and her features hardened. She picked up her wine glass and swirled the red liquid around.

“I am not gay,” She grit the words out, looking away from you as if she didn’t care about the damage she would inflict and sipping her glass. “I don’t love you, and it’s not my fault that you caught feelings,”

You let the words sink in. Let them permeate your chest like acid, and erode the final bit of your aching heart. A cool numbness was already spreading out from the wound like you had been shot.

You knew it was too good to be true during the World Cup. That her pursuit of you, her willingness to be around the team with you was nothing more than a fling. A whim caused by the bubble and excitement.

You cleared your throat, closed your eyes, and hoped to wake up so you could release your emotions in peace. “I can’t keep my promise,”

******

Lindsey jolted awake, her eyes snapping open, all of her nerves on edge like she had been dumped in ice water. Her breathing came in short pants as she sat up, her hand pressing into her eyes.

She had never heard of people being so… jarred by the dreams they shared with their soulmates. She had never heard of them ending so abruptly.

Then again, most people didn’t try to deny their soulmate.

She let out a breath, grinding her palms into her eyes further, trying to un-sear your blank expression from her mind.

She knew that look well. You used it every time you had to deal with your family or your PSG coach. It was your way of shielding yourself. Of pulling away so nothing could hurt you.

She had never had that look directed at her, and it made her soul ache.

She had never planned on hurting you, it had just kind of… happened.

The relief that had flooded through her the moment she saw you for the first time in her dreams was indescribable. It was like the moment your goalie makes a save in a PK shootout. No. It was more. It was the moment you score after the save.

But then she remembered. She could feel her parents' words etched into her very existence.

She was meant to grow up and find the man of her dreams. Her knight in shining armor.

Her mother had filled her head from the time she was small with stories of princes sweeping her off her feet. Her father had told her about the strapping young man who would make all of her dreams come true one day. The young man who she would share everything with, including her sleep.

And both of her parents dismissed her queries about what would happen if her soulmate wasn’t a man. They had waved away her questions with easy quotes from the Bible and their pastor, and they had drilled into her head that all of her “teenage feelings” were just a phase.

She was convinced she would outgrow them, but then. Well, then she met you.

And you made her question everything.

It wasn’t just that you were smart and funny and gorgeous. It was how kind your heart was. How you would give up the world to make her smile on a bad day. It was how your tough exterior had cracked just for her.

It made butterflies erupt in her chest and tingles followed everywhere you touched. You made her feel warm and seen and… she couldn’t help but give in to those feelings.

At first, it was in small ways, sharing your bed in France (something that brought you both immense comfort), stealing small kisses and light touches in the underbelly of stadiums. Little things that had grown into more, until the lines were so blurred she didn’t know where you stopped and she began.

All that you had been missing was a label, so she conveniently picked one that didn’t make her afraid. One her parents wouldn’t question.

You were her friend and the secret benefits attached never needed to be mentioned.

She pushed her feelings for you away under the ruse of platonicity.

It was easy. It was doable.

Until the two of you were roomed together in the bubble, trapped in a country that gave the both of you nightmares.

She finally let herself give in to the feelings in her chest. She let her touches linger, no matter who could see. She let herself joke and enjoy your bright smiles in front of her friends. She let herself let go of the fear that being caught staring and watching still evoked.

You looked so kissable in the locker room after the final, bragging about your game-winning goal, your dimples poking out. You looked so kissable in your stupid goggles, covered in champagne. And she…

Lindsey just couldn’t help herself.

She hadn’t thought twice about pulling you into a spare equipment closet. She hadn’t thought twice about the way your lips pressed together or the heat that built between you in seconds. She hadn’t thought about her roving hands and how good you felt until…

If Kelley hadn’t knocked on the door, there was no telling how far the two of you would have gone.

As you broke apart, staring at her like she hung the moon and the stars and… reality finally hit her. She couldn’t have you and keep her family. The lines were too blurred and before she could think, words were falling from her lips, matching your falling expression. she was kicking you out and you looked...hurt was too simple of a word to describe it.

That was where her options had ended.

You disappeared into the night, only reappearing to get on the plane, attend a parade, and then you were gone again.

It only reinforced the lessons her parents had taught her. She would find a reliable man to support her. A man who would care for her and follow her. A man who would help her give her parents grandchildren.

And she had.

She sighed heavily, glancing to her left where he lay, sound asleep.

He was good. He listened but never pushed. He held her when she cried, even when he didn’t know why. He who helped her put her broken pieces back together.

But he wasn’t you.

And she knew that by choosing him and protecting herself she was hurting you. An unintentional casualty she had thought of it as. Except nothing about that dream had been unintentional.

“Fuck,”

She dragged her hand through her hair, her elbow barely brushing him. He still jolted awake.

“Wha, babe?” Ty asked, his voice husky as she lurched to a sitting position. “You alright?”

She hated that her brain instantly compared you to him. How your voice sounded so much sexier than his. How you were a deeper sleeper, and didn’t jump when you woke up. How you would have wrapped her in your arms before asking questions?

She shook her head, leaning into his side, telling him that she wanted to be held. “Yeah, bad dream,”

It took him a second to catch on and wrap a loose arm around her. “I’m here,” He placed a very sweet kiss on her hairline.

She let out a shuddering breath. It was too close to something you would do. “I know,”

He was there for now, but she couldn’t stop your words from echoing in her head.

They had talked about what they would do when they found their soulmates, how they would prefer to be with each other rather than with some random person.

But you weren’t a random person.

How was she supposed to tell this man? This kind man, who had picked up the pieces her fear had created. that she had found her soulmate and she wanted to go back on every promise she had ever made?

Especially when you weren’t going to keep your promise to her.

*****

As it turned out, 48 hours with little more than a power nap did wonders on your psyche.

You were nearing the punch-drunk stage of exhaustion before you even stepped onto the pitch. And dealing with Emily and Kelley trying to stop you for 98 minutes had sapped every last bit of fake energy you had.

Winning the game helped, but by the time Christen and Tobin were loading you in the car for dinner, you were dead on your feet. And the anxiety about what Lindsey had or had not said to Emily had you on edge as you entered the restaurant.

The too-fancy restaurant, with white table cloths, red rose centerpieces, and gold-rimmed plates.

You bit your lip as you were seated, trying to force the dream from your mind.

But as it turned out, Lindsey hadn’t told Emily anything, and that made things so much more difficult.

It made Emily and Kelley more curious, and more focused on your every move. You could feel their eyes tracing your every movement, glued to the way Tobin pulled out your chair and Christen sent you a meaningful look when she passed you the menu.

You knew Emily wanted an explanation for why you had been ignoring her, but you weren’t sure how to put it into words. So you avoided it.

You avoided making eye contact or engaging in conversation and focused too hard on the menu.

“Sanchez is super stoked for the next few camps,” Kelley said, nodding her head toward you. “She thinks she can pull out some crazy services with our ducky,”

You hummed, peeking up at her from behind your menu, using it as a shield.

Considering how cracked and broken your chest felt, you doubted you would be making many connections at camp. You doubted you would be able to function in the same proximity as Lindsey, much less focus on soccer.

You didn’t think you would be able to get out of your head enough to do it.

“She seems scrappy,” You mumbled, your eyes barely flickering towards Emily, trying to avoid the place setting.

It had the sludge sloshing in your stomach. You couldn’t help how you idly scratched at the point right above your heart.

It’s not my fault you’ve incorporated me into some gay fantasy. It’s your MO.

You cleared your throat, chasing her voice from your head. “If she can keep up, it’ll be fun to see how we link,”

“She’s deadly when she connects with Trin,” Kelley said, sending a look between you and Emily. “I’m sure you two will find your groove too,”

You tried to ignore their secret conversation. The evidence that it wasn’t the first time you were the subject.

“It’s not surprising her and Trin are soulmates really,” Emily added, sipping her glass of red wine.

You couldn’t help the way your eyes zeroed in on it. The way the liquid in the glass pressed to red lips had your heart pounding in your chest.

It was stupid for you to get so worked up over a glass of wine. For the mere mention of soulmates to send you over the edge, but it did.

“Ali and JJ had their hands full trying to keep track of them,” Trying to hide the concerned look she sent your way.

You hadn’t even realized your hand was clutching your chest, clawing at your cracked heart.

Tobin's arm landed heavily on your shoulder, an innocuous move that was meant to ground you. To keep you in the present. “I could tell Trinity was getting frustrated, especially with Girma,”

“She's young,” Kelley nodded. “Once she matures a bit she’s going to be as much of a force as Alex and you three,”

“Are you ok?” Emily asked before anyone could respond, reaching across the table to lay her hand over yours. “You look like you’re gonna be sick,”

You pulled away like you had been burned. The action was too familiar. It was too close.

“I’m good, I’ve just gotta go to the bathroom,” You said too quickly, pushing yourself away from the table. “I’ll be back,”

You didn’t give anyone a chance to reply before you bolted from the table, hanging a right (nearly missing a very startled waiter) and crashing into the bathroom door like it was a Canadian defender.

You stumbled into the sink, clutching the sink like it was a lifeline, praying that the cool granite countertop could calm the wave crashing through your chest. The unrelenting tsunami unleashed by Lindsey’s words.

It was pathetic. You were pathetic.

Some gold-ringed plates and red wine had sent you over the fucking edge. The mention of soulmates shouldn’t send your chest tight, but it did.

You should be able to have a normal conversation with your friends. You shouldn’t fear that the simple mention of something would make you hurt so badly.

It was a you problem. They shouldn’t suffer for it.

You sucked in a short, wheezy breath, your fingers wrapping in your shirt to pull your collar down.

Pathetic. The voice in your head hissed. No wonder she doesn’t want you.

Your other hand pressed harder into the counter, dipping your head towards the metal faucet. You almost wished you had turned it on.

“You have to breathe,” Emily’s voice suddenly said, very close to your ear. Her arms wrapped carefully around your stomach, one hand catching your own. “Come on, match my breathing ducky,”

You leaned back into her body, feeling her heartbeat against your back with each exaggerated breath she took for your benefit.

It burned to try and match her, matching the ever-present ache that had been there since Lindsey rejected you. The sludge in your stomach expanded and contracted with each breath you tried to take.

You hadn’t felt this way since the night of the World Cup. Since Kelley knocked on the door and Lindsey had told you to get out. Since she told you you were nothing.

“I know it hurts, but you need to breathe,” Emily said, pulling you back towards her so she was hugging you from behind.

You nodded, your lips pressing together tightly, your eyes slipping closed as you tried to focus on her. On the way, her arms felt around you. The way each breath hit your ear and moved against you.

“Come on, breathe in” She hummed, sucking in a deep breath and waiting for you to follow her. You counted to 8 in your head, holding it for 4 before releasing it for 6. And repeating it.

With each iteration, your relaxed father back into Emily, until most of your weight was leaning against her.

She held you for a long moment, letting you gather yourself, and keeping a hand on your back as you pulled away.

“Good?” She asked gently.

“Yeah, good,” You nodded, your voice horse as you leaned towards the faucet, running cool water over your face before turning to face her. “Thanks,”

“Anytime,” She said, watching you carefully, like you were a wounded animal she was afraid to back you into a corner, holding out a paper towel so you could dry your face. “You gonna tell me what that was about?”

You shrugged. It had been happening to you a lot lately, the feeling that your chest was going to collapse on itself. Between Lindsey and the never-ending stream of calls from your brother, you knew they would only get that much worse.

“You haven’t had a panic attack since France,” She continued, her voice ticking up and you knew that she wanted more of an explanation.

You shook your head. You didn’t want to think about France anymore, or how Emily had found you in the same position after Lindsey kicked you out. How she had held you together for the night while the rest of the team celebrated.

The only difference was that you couldn’t escape this time. There wasn’t a time limit for you to paint a smile on your face and pretend to be fine.

“I’m fine,” You croaked, avoiding her eyes.

“You’re not,” Emily countered, taking a step towards you, holding your hand up to stop her. You couldn't do this if she was close to you. “And I can’t help you unless you tell me what’s happening,”

You shivered at the words. The same ones she had used before she checked you out of the hospital in Florida.

“I just have a lot on my mind,” You muttered, pressing the paper towel into your eyes.

“You’ve had a lot on your mind since camp,” She scoffed, hopping up on the counter next to you. “What’s going on?”

You let out a long sigh, knowing that she wasn’t going to let this go. She had refused to let anything go since she signed you out of the hospital. Since the nurse told her they had put you on a suicide hold.

you blew out a long breath, weighing the words in your mouth.

“I met my soulmate, and it’s complicated,” You said carefully. “I had the dream at camp and things have been difficult,”

“And Lindsey is hurt, even though she has a boyfriend?” She asked, connecting the dots differently than you thought she would. “That’s why you’ve been avoiding all our calls and texts, even tonight,”

She gestured towards your still buzzing phone.

“Something like that,” You muttered, finally looking up at her.

She sent you a small, sad smile. You just appreciated there was no pity in her look. She was one of the few who was aware of the true nature of your relationship. One of the few who treated you like you weren’t fragile after you came back. One of the few who held you accountable.

“We’ll figure it out,” She said solemnly. “At camp Kelley and I will run interference. You can forget about the drama and enjoy the game,”

You shook your head. “I’m just so tired,” You admitted, finally letting your pain and exhaustion show on your face. Showing her that your soul was slowly seeping from your body.

Emily pulled you close to her, and you fell into the comfort, burying your face in her chest, much like the night she had found you in France.

She squeezed you tightly as though she was holding all of your pieces together. Like she knew you were forgoing sleep to avoid your soulmate. Avoiding Lindsey. “Come on. Let’s go back, we’ll eat, and then you can get some sleep,”

“Ok,” You agreed, letting her guide you out of the bathroom and to your seat, completely ignoring Kelley’s questioning eyes and Christen’s worried expression.

“Everything alright?” Tobin finally asked, breaking the uncomfortable silence that had settled over the table, looking right at you.

“Yeah, all good,” You mumbled. “I think I’m just going to get a cheeseburger,”

You ignored Emily’s low scoff at the change of subject and Kelley’s raised eyebrow.

The sludge in your stomach rocked but didn’t flair up like you expected it to.

“Fishy and King said they were good here,” You added.

“They said their onion rings were fire too,” Tobin jumped in, and you knew that it was just because she would get details of whatever had happened later, but for now she allowed you to change the subject.

Christen hummed across the table, and you breathed a sigh of relief as the conversation restarted.

You tried to relax and just enjoy your friends.

There would be time to worry later.

******

Tobin had learned a long time ago that you didn’t always express yourself in words. She had learned to instead watch you because your body language always gave you away. She learned that you would tell her what was bothering you eventually, and that patience was the most useful tool she had.

So that’s what she did, despite how much she wanted to know what happened in the bathroom.

She watched as Kelley and Emily pulled unwilling smiles from your lips. As they got your shoulders to relax and genuine laughs to escape your

It was the happiest she had seen you in months. The most… alive, despite how you flinched each time your phone buzzed in your pocket.

You still hadn’t told her and Christen exactly who was calling you.

She smiled as you leaned heavily into Christen as you all made your way down the sidewalk, towards the Washington Spirit hotel, making small talk with Emily.

The small curve of your lips was a win in her opinion. She could see the effects of the soulmate bond. The slow decay of your soul was a painful inevitability, and your hesitancy to share your pain with them was hard for her. You had been better about coming to them, but you were still hesitant, and she knew the pressure was mounting

She worried about what would happen when her and Christen weren’t there for support.

“You gonna tell me what’s going on, or do I have to wait for whatever BS story she told Em?” Kelley nudged Tobin’s ribs, nodding her head towards you. “Whatever happened in the bathroom looked pretty intense, and she was looking rough even before that,”

“It probably was,” Tobin said half under her breath, her eyes never leaving you. “She’s just… she’s going through a lot right now. I’m pretty sure Chris and I don’t even know the whole story,”

Kelley raised an eyebrow, a clear indication that she wanted more information, earning a long sigh from Tobin.

The midfielder-turned-forward’s eyes cut to Emily meaningfully. “All we know is that it’s a… personal thing,”

Soulmates shared everything, they held no secrets between them. It was an inherent downside to sharing your dreams with someone. So if she told Kelley, then Emily would know too, and she wasn’t about to betray your trust.

Kelley followed her eyes, understanding blooming in her features.

“Don’t worry, I won’t share more than I have to. I just want to help,” She said more softly, honesty in her tone. “What’s the personal thing?”

“It’s a problem with her soulmate,” Tobin said softly, the words barely above a whisper like it would soften the blow, but Kelley still recoiled.

It all made sense. The dark circles under your eyes, the ache that coated every one of your movements, the exhaustion a simple smile brought.

Kelley knew the symptoms well.

“That sucks,” She sighed.

You were such a good kid, and you never seemed to catch a break.

“Majorly,” Tobin agreed, remembering how you had cried in her arms. “I’m worried about how she’ll be at camp,”

She didn’t mention that you dealing with Lindsey on your own was something that made her very nervous. She didn’t mention that she was concerned about your propensity for self-destruction or running away.

It had taken both her and Emily to track you down to Florida. She didn’t want to find you living in a tent on the beach. She didn’t want to have to convince you that being with your friends was worth dealing with your feelings. She didn’t want to get a call that you weren’t allowed to check out of a hospital by yourself.

“Em and I will keep an eye on her,” Kelley said, catching Tobin's arm... “I’m sure Lindsey will help too,”

Tobin grimaced, her eyes turning dark. “Let’s keep Lindsey out of it,”

Kelley’s head tilted to the side, squinting. Lindsey was your best friend. The two of you had been inseparable until last camp. But she thought better of it than to comment. She knew the past the two of you shared after all.

“Is that who’s blowing up her phone?” Kelley asked, her brain working to catch up. “Or is it the random soulmate?”

Tobin shook her head, running a hand frustratedly through her hair. “She won’t tell us who has been calling her nonstop. It was so bad she stashed her phone in a sock drawer,”

Kelley’s eyebrows furrowed. Tobin wasn’t kidding when she said you were dealing with a lot. It seemed like the perfect mess of things. A web of pain with you at the epicenter. She just worried they wouldn’t be able to untangle you until it was too late.

“We’ll keep an eye on her. I promise,” Kelley said solemnly, already knowing that Emily planned to watch out for you anyway. She had been worried for weeks, and now that the younger defender had definitive proof there was something wrong, there would be no stopping her. Kelley had already agreed to be along for the ride. “Now let’s try to keep her in a good mood. She deserves that,”

You were always there for Emily, and she was determined to be there for you. You were like a little sister, she just hoped you would let her help.

*****

Kelley knew within the first hour of camp that Tobin had been right to be worried.

You were like a shell of yourself. She had seen it briefly at dinner, but being around you for an extended period exemplified how not ok you were.

Your easy smile was gone, as was the light that always seemed to follow you.

The only place you weren’t completely off was the field.

You were cutthroat, slicing up the young defense with no mercy. You barely took the time to direct like you normally would, and it seemed you had no patience for the new midfield to catch up. You didn’t explain or teach. And you had simply shrugged when Kelley asked why.

It was more selfish than you normally played and it was painfully obvious you were more focused on winning than having fun or helping the rest of the team.

It was just so not like you, and other people on the team were starting to notice.

But you seemed unbothered by the attention. The stares. You had barely looked at any of them.

The only one you seemed to notice was Lindsey, something that didn’t surprise her considering what Emily told her about the bathroom incident.

There was just something off about the story though. Something off about Lindsey’s reaction. It wasn’t… the reaction she would have expected if Lindsey was upset about you finding your soulmate.

“You look like a creeper,” Emily hummed, kissing her cheek, wrapping her arms around her soulmate, and resting her head on her shoulder, following her gaze. “You’ve been staring for a long time,”

“Just trying to read the dynamic,” Kelley mumbled, squinting as you nodded down another one of Sanchez’s crosses, and Huerta lined up to send one in from the other side.

You had been reluctant to agree to their request after practice, only saying yes to avoid Lindsey (from what Kelley could tell).

Lindsey glared at the pair as they asked you, cutting off her attempt to get close to you while you were getting water. That glare hadn’t stopped, even as you headed back towards the pitch.

Lindsey was blatant with the daggers she was sending toward Sofia and Sanchez. But it didn’t strike Kelley as friendly jealousy.

She was trying too hard to close the distance. She was watching you too closely.

It was too much.

“Looks like jealousy to me,” Emily chuckled, tightening her arms around Kelley’s waist, and kissing just behind her ear. “She’s totally jealous,”

“But what kind of jealous?” Kelley asked slowly, leaning into Emily’s lips. “Watch,”

Emily followed her gaze. Lindsey stood on the sideline, arms crossed, watching where Huerta was setting up a cross. The midfielder glared at the young defender, muttering something neither Kelley nor Emily could hear just before she took the cross.

It was slightly off-target, but that wasn’t a problem for you. You bodied it down and finished it easily with a heel flick.

Even without defenders around it was impressive.

It shouldn’t be that easy.

“You curl it where she’s going, not where she is,” Lindsey hissed towards Huerta, as you kicked the ball out of the net, passing it to Sanchez.

Emily’s eyebrows furrowed when you didn’t stick up for the youngins like you normally would. But then again, that would require interacting with Lindsey.

It was strange to see Lindsey so moody, so… unhelpful.

“It can’t be Sofia right?” Emily asked.

Kelley snorted at the question. Sofia was sweet, but she tiptoed around you, and not in the way that would indicate anything remotely romantic. Plus you had been on a team with her before you went to Angel City. Things wouldn’t have gotten as out of hand as they had.

“Tobin would have murdered Huerta,” Kelley muttered thoughtfully. “And Y/n has barely looked at either of them,”

The only person you had made eye contact with was Lindsey.

“It can’t be one of our teammates Kelley,” it was Emily’s turn to scoff. “She’s tearing herself apart and none of them would do that to her,”

The team held soulmates above all else, and as far as she knew, none of them would hurt you that way. None of them would stand by idly while the dark circles grew under your eyes and the light left your smile. None of them would let you self-destruct trying to make them happy.

Kelley’s shoulders lifted and fell. “I think the more pressing issue is her sleep schedule,”

“Christen already warned me,” Emily agreed. “She goes days without it if you don’t watch her,”

“I’ll talk to Alex and get it swapped,” Kelley said. “She’ll understand and agree,”

Their eyes watched you as you walked away from the youngins and finally settled onto the bench. Your exhaustion was obvious in the slump in your posture, the way you barely lifted your arm to squirt water into your mouth, even though you were trying to hide it.

You glanced down at your phone, glaring at the small device. You let out a long sigh, before pushing yourself to your feet and walking away from the group to answer the call.

“We need to figure out what’s going on outside of the soulmate thing too,” Kelley mumbled, her eyebrows furrowing. “Cause whatever it is can’t be good either,”

Emily hummed in agreement. “Definitely,”

*****

It wasn’t that Kelley liked to snoop. It was just that it was too easy to follow after you when you hadn’t reappeared on the field after you took the phone call.

It had been too enticing to deny.

They needed to know what they were dealing with, and hearing part of that conversation would tell them what you wouldn’t. Plus Kelley was like an older sister, protective and overbearing in her own way.

She could get away with a little spying, and if you caught her, you would be more likely to open up rather than flip out.

Kelley also wasn’t stuck between you and Lindsey. She had always been closer to you.

So she crept up to the door that separated the bathroom from the locker room. She pressed the door open just enough to be able to see your form, pacing back and forth, the phone pressed to your ear.

“Stop calling me Tyler. Nothing has changed, even now,” You growled, your lips forming a tight line. “I don’t care that she’s dying,”

She frowned at the mention of your brother.

You ran a hand through your hair, tugging harshly at the strands as you listened to whatever he was saying, your head already shaking.

“There is nothing to consider, stop calling me. I only need to know when it’s done,” You spat into the phone, ripping it away from your ear and jabbing at the screen before you tossed it carelessly toward your locker.

You looked like you wanted to scream or cry, or hit something, and Kelley felt her heart break for you.

You were always the strong one. You pretended to be fine for everyone else’s sake. It was rare you let your vulnerability show. Rare enough that Kelley had never seen it herself.

You turned, content on pacing the small room again, only to freeze in your tracks at what Kelley assumed was a person at the door that connected the locker room to the hallway.

She leaned forward, catching blonde hair and white nail polish over crossed arms.

Lindsey, she thought.

The midfielder pushed off of the door, taking the three steps it took to close the space between you. Kelley wasn’t sure how long Lindsey had been watching you. She wasn’t sure how much of the conversation she had heard.

Your posture changed, and your eyes hardened. “Look, I can’t deal with you too right now, alright?”

The coldness of your tone shook Kelley to the core. She wasn’t sure if you had ever used anything like it before.

“Deal with me?” Lindsey scoffed, exasperated stepping closer, so the two of you were nearly touching. “Can’t I just be a concerned friend?”

“We are not friends,”

Your voice was like ice. A knife razor sharp, and unyielding. You delivered it with a tilt of your chin, a glint in your eyes. A heavy blow thrown with complete accuracy. A blow to what Kelley didn’t know, but from the way Lindsey’s face fell, she knew the shot had landed.

It didn’t make sense. Not unless-

Kelley’s jaw dropped at the implication. Lindsey couldn’t be your-

“So you’ve said,” Lindsey said back, her voice too even, too calm despite the pain laced in it. But she didn’t leave your space.

“Don’t do that,” You snapped, shoving a finger in her chest and finally putting distance between you. Kelley winced at the action.

“What?” Lindsey bit back, her chin tilted up in defiance, her arms spread out to the side.“I’m not doing anything,”

Kelley held her breath. There was more being said than the words between you, and the way your back straightened at Lindsey’s sentence was as bad a sign as she had seen.

“You’re never doing anything,” You spat back. “Perfect Lindsey is always the victim, right? It’s big bad Y/n who is in the wrong, preying on the innocent right?”

You spat the words like venom. Like there was something else that went with them. A line that both you and Lindsey knew, but Kelley did not.

Lindsey’s face fell. “I don’t-“

“You never fucking do!” You shouted, a flush traveling up your neck to your cheeks as your fists clenched. Hurt and anger permeating your entire being. “You can stop being a bitch to Sanchez and Huerta. They’re kids who won’t leave me the fuck alone,”

Lindsey let out a long sigh, pinching the bridge of her nose. “Look I’m sorry about what I said, ok?”

“No. It’s not ok Lindsey,” You answered, your voice soft but cold as ever. “It will never be ok,”

“What do you want from me?” Lindsey pleaded. “What do I say to fix it?”

You paused, staring at her like she had grown a third head.

“Fix it? You haven’t even told your fucking boyfriend yet, have you?” you asked the word bitterly, and her silence was enough of an answer for both you and Kelley. You shook your head. “You’re un-fucking-believable, you know,”

And it all made sense to Kelley. The tension between the two of you. Your pain.

“I don’t-“ Lindsey stuttered, but you cut her off easily.

“You do,” You said, a weight of finality in your tone. “Just leave. me. alone. Don’t look at me. Don’t talk to me. Don’t corner me. Just stay away from me,”

The words were punctuated by the sound of you grabbing your bag, and Kelley stumbled back into one of the stalls, hoping you wouldn’t catch her.

But she wasn’t fast enough, caught in the curtain as you pushed your way through the door.

You rolled your eyes at the defender, more irritated by Lindsey than Kelley’s eavesdropping.

You already expected the extra ears, especially after your episode at dinner with Kelley, Emily, and Preath. They were nosey, even if it was for the right reasons.

You chose to ignore her as you picked your own shower stall, partially because you didn’t want to address it, but also because you didn’t know if you could speak without your voice cracking and you didn’t want to lose it here. Not with her in the next room, or your friends around to see.

You were not an emotional person, and being so raw made you uncomfortable.

“That seemed like a rough conversation,” Kelley said finally, stepping so she could lean on the frame of the entrance to your stall.

You blew out a long, shaky breath, dropping your extra clothes and towel on the little chair.

“Not you too,” You grumbled. “what’s with you and Emily cornering me in bathrooms,”

“What’s with you running to them?” Kelley countered, raising an eyebrow at you.

You closed your eyes, your head leaning back on the shower wall with a thump.

The sludge in your stomach sloshed unyieldingly. The pain in your chest echoing out with each beat of your heart. You unconsciously brought your hand up to clutch over the area, your nails digging into the sensitive skin through your shirt.

“I don’t want to talk about this alright?”

Kelley softened at the quiet, vulnerable request, reaching up to catch your hand, flattening it against her palm. “You’re shaking,”

You bit your lip, nodding down to your chest. “It hurts,”

Her eyes followed your gesture, and her heart sank a little bit more.

She knew the symptoms of soulmate sickness. She had experienced its effects for herself. That wasn’t something she wanted you to have to go through.

“Let me see,” She said softly, waiting for you to nod before she reached for you.

She was gentle as she pulled your practice jersey over your head, her breath catching when she saw the black mark on your chest, right over your heart.

It was dark at the very center, several rings of what looked like bruises surrounded it and a web of black veins sprouted from the center.

It was a physical symptom of your emotional pain. A visual representation of rejection from a soulmate. The necrotic tissue spreading from your crushed heart.

She watched as the veins pulsed, pushing the dark color further from the epicenter, eating away at your chest.

“Oh my god,” She breathed out, her eyes snapping to yours. “Do Tobin and Christen know?”

You nodded once. It was hard to hide when you were living on their couch. Plus they had been there when the first black mark appeared. “It wasn’t this bad until last week. Things kinda took a turn,”

“I can see that,” She said, retracting her hand when you winced after she lightly touched the angriest of the black veins. “Was this before or after your stopped sleeping,”

“I stopped sleeping after she rejected me the first time,” You scoffed, gritting your teeth when the pain pulsed yet again.

“Well that’s not gonna continue,” Kelley said sternly. “I swapped with Alex,”

“Of course, you did,” You groaned. “I don’t need a parent,”

“No, you don’t,” She said slowly. “But you don’t have to struggle through all of this alone,”

You gulped, as her eyes searched you before she pulled you into a tight hug. You buried your face in her neck, letting her strong arm and scent soothe you.

“I’m not pushing Lindsey away because I want to be alone,”

“No, you’re pushing her away because it hurts less,” Kelley agreed, and there was no judgment in her voice. “Because every time you let her close, she cuts you,”

You appreciated that.

“It didn’t hurt like this until she called it a gay fantasy and accused me of sleeping with all of my friends,” You admitted, your voice barely above a whisper.

It was only after the dream that the mark appeared. You guessed it was because it was an actual rejection.

Kelley tensed underneath you, cursing under her breath. That was more than just a complication, and she wished Tobin had been more informative. Unless Tobin didn’t know.

It made sense why you didn’t want to sleep. Why was your brother bothering you? None of that made sense, but they could only tackle one problem at a time.

“She’s an idiot,” Kelley said finally, pulling back so she could look you in the eye. “but tearing yourself apart isn’t the answer. You need sleep. Let me help,”

You met her eyes, and you saw the worry. The anger. The understanding that rivaled Tobins. She made you feel safe.

“Ok,”

******

Kelley was on a warpath so deadly that even Emily didn’t think she could stop her. Frankly, Emily wasn’t sure if she even wanted to stop her.

Not after Kelley told her. Not after she saw the black mark herself. It made her chest ache just looking at it.

It was worse that she knew one of her best friends was the cause of it. That Lindsey had not only accused you of sleeping with your friends but dismissed your bond with such vulgar language.

They had been lucky to make it through dinner without any outbursts, especially with the way Lindsey stared at your every movement, stilted as they were, and the way she was glowering at Emily and Kelley like she knew they knew.

But Emily wondered if Lindsey knew. If she had given any thought to the consequences of her actions.

You had only stayed long enough to eat before excusing yourself back to your own room. Lindsey followed, sending a meaningful glare toward the defender pair as she passed.

“She’s warning us,” Kelley muttered, standing as soon as the door closed. “I don’t like it,”

Emily sighed, pushing herself to her feet and trailing after her soulmate. “I don’t like any of this,”

She hoped Lindsey went back to her room. She hoped that Lindsey wouldn’t push, not when you were already so far on edge.

Her hopes were dashed as the elevator doors binged open and there she was sitting outside your hotel room door.

“Don’t you know the meaning of stay away?” Kelley growled as they approached the midfielder. Emily placed a gentle hand on Kelley’s arm, hoping to prevent the second half of the sentence. The match that would light the inevitable blow up.

“She’s probably asleep,” Emily said, her grip on Kelley tightening. Afraid of what the defender would say. “She said she wanted to nap after she finished eating,”

It had been a fight to get you to agree that you desperately needed a nap. A fight to get you to recognize that the only way to deal with the stress of camp was to give your body the support it needed.

“She probably exhausted herself flirting with the kids,” Lindsey grumbled, patting the carpeted floor.

“She exhausted herself protecting the little bit she has left.” Kelley snapped back. “We could only convince her to sleep because we promised we’d prevent you from following her there. Prevent you from cornering her again,”

It had been true. They swore they would make sure Lindsey stayed awake so you could avoid another unwanted confrontation, one Lindsey seemed intent on having.

You were too tired to fight, and both defenders feared that any more pushing would make the mark on your chest grow.

“This isn’t all my fault,” Lindsey bit back, shoving herself to her feet and advancing toward Kelley.

At least it got her away from your door.

Kelley’s face hardened, and she pressed against Emily’s restraining arm, getting as close to the midfielder as she could. “No. You just belittled the bond you share and accused her of fucking all of her teammates,”

Lindsey glared, stepping so she was toe to toe with Kelley at the clear challenge. “Are you trying to tell me that Y/n didn’t fuck her way back to the plane in France, or on the beach in Florida?”

“How fucking blind are you Lindsey,” Kelley scoffed, her chest pushing against Emily’s restraining arm, trying to get closer.

“Easy,” Emily said, her arm tightening around Kelley, her eyes never leaving the midfielder. “Y/n has been trying to get over you for forever,”

Lindsey's lip curled at the gentle admission. “And she followed you like a puppy when you brought her back to Portland,”

A dark look crossed Emily’s face. Both her and Tobin were particularly protective of your time in Florida for a reason. You were a mess when you got back. A self-destructive mess, and it had taken so long to get you out of those habits. To prevent more scars.

“They were only so close because Em was the one who found her after I found you in the closet,” Kelley answered before she could, her voice turning cruel. “What was it you said to her as you shoved her half-dressed into the hallway? That what you two were doing meant nothing? That she meant nothing?”

Kelley would never forget finding you and Emily that night. The way her own soulmate explained exactly what Lindsey said to you. The guilt she felt at how knocking on a door had set your spiral into motion again.

But that was nothing compared to this. No. Lindsey had dismissed the bond you shared as a gay fantasy and you were tearing yourself apart over it.

“She was afraid you would reject her again, or that she would have to pretend the two of you hadn’t blurred the friendship line,” Emily added more softly, finally letting go of Kelley.

Leaving you alone didn’t feel like a good move right now.

“Go, check on her,” Kelley said, pushing the blonde defender towards the door with a reassuring smile. “I’ll be good I promise,”

Kelley waited for the door to close before turning her cold eyes back on the midfielder.

“She was right to be afraid,” She said, her voice soft but deadly, like a razor running on delicate skin. “You fucked this up. You were the one who made the choice. Who has made all of the choices? You don’t get to comment on how Y/n protects herself. You need to wake up before you push her too far,”

With that, she stepped around the stunned midfielder and entered the hotel room too.

*****

“You told me to call you when it was done,” Your brother's muffled voice met her as she stepped through the door. “It’s done. The service is tomorrow and you’re expected to be there,”

She frowned at the scene, you perched on the end of the bed next to Emily, pinching the bridge of your nose, the phone held up to your ear.

“I’ll be there,” You said softly, making eye contact with Kelley, exhaustion clear in your features.

There was no I love you exchanged between you and your brother as the line went dead.

Kelley approached you carefully, taking up your other side so you were seated between the defenders. “What’s going on?”

You ran a hand through your hair, puffing out your cheeks and blowing out a long breath. You took a long moment to order your thoughts, pushing the ones of Lindsey from your mind.

You could only deal with one problem at a time.

“My mom died, I have to go,” You said slowly, dragging your hand down your face. “I’ll be back before the next game, but I’ve gotta go,”

You pushed yourself to your feet and began shoving clothing into your bag.

“Slow down,” Kelley said, standing and catching your arm as you tried to shove a sweatshirt into your bag.

You stopped, throwing your head back toward the ceiling with a low groan. Kelley’s hand found your back, silently supporting you.

“I can’t,” The words slid from your lips, landing like Little rocks on a pond. “I didn’t want to deal with any of this, but I have to,”

“Your brother is the one who’s been calling you,” Kelley supplied, filling in the gap.

You nodded. “My mother was in hospice. Her dying request was a conversation with me,”

“She had no right to ask for that,” Emily said, moving to stand on your other side. “Not after the way you grew up,”

You bit your lip.

“Y/n,” Kelley sighed, rubbing your back.

You shook your head. You didn’t have a choice in this. In any of it.

“Well she did, and now she’s dead,” You said finally, pulling yourself out of their comforting arms and towards your bag. “It’s another thing I’ve fucked up,”

The only good thing about this situation was that you would be back in time for the game against South Korea in Kansas City. That the game was in the town you had to go to anyway.

“Stop. Look at me,” Emily caught your arm again, using a thumb under your chin to force you to look her in the eyes. She raised an eyebrow at you. “you know none of this is your fault right?”

Your shoulders lifted and fell, and for the first time, she saw the little spark in your eyes go dead. It was the first time she saw the full toll of the soulmate bond on you. The full force of the pressure from your family and the team.

“Look. I don’t want to. I haven’t wanted to deal with any of this, but I have to,” Your voice shook as you said the words. You gulped, shoving your feelings into a little box. “So just let me, and try to get along with Linds. She can’t help how she feels, and she doesn’t need the entire team against her,”

You didn’t want them to fight a fight that wasn’t their own.

It was between Lindsey and you, and they didn’t need to destroy the team dynamic over something that was your problem.

You should be able to be her friend. It wasn’t her fault that she didn’t hold the same feelings you did.

The things she said to you were your problem, not your friend’s problem.

“I have to go,” You said, grabbing your bag.

Kelley stared at you for a long moment, before pulling you into a hug. “We’re here for you,”

You let out a breath, accepting the comfort. “I know,”

You pulled away, nodding at Emily as you walked out the door.

You should have been expecting Lindsey to be waiting for you. You should have been prepared, but you weren’t.

You made eye contact with her as you stepped into the hallway, and it made your chest ache. Her burning blue made the ice in your veins prickle, and your heart lurched in your chest.

You steeled yourself, opting to roll your eyes and step past her. It hurt less than commenting or trying to hold conversation.

But she didn’t let you pass. Her fingers wrapped around your arm.

“Y/n wait. Can we talk?” She asked, her fingers tightening slightly at the question.

You twisted your arm, pulling away, and stepping towards the elevator. You clicked the call button.

“Maybe you should try again later,” Emily said, sliding between you and Lindsey.

You could feel her sending you worried looks over her shoulder., trying to act as a mediator between her two best friends. You caught her hand, intent on telling her to stay out of it, that this was your problem, but Lindsey didn’t give you the chance.

“What’s wrong with now?” Lindsey hissed, stepping closer so she was pressed into Emily, and Emily was pressed into you.

You took an involuntary step back, breathing a sigh of relief when the elevator binged open.

You didn’t answer, stepping into the elevator, and making eye contact again as it slid closed.

“Y/n please!” She pleaded as the door slid closed.

But you just blinked at her. You didn’t have anything to say back.

You couldn’t uncap your emotions now. If you did, you wouldn’t be able to stop.

And you needed to be in control if you were going to face your family.

*****

Lindsey clutched her chest as the elevator door slid closed as if she was trying to grab the sudden pain that shot through her.

It was a feeling she had never experienced before. A stabbing sensation that lit her nerve endings on fire.

You had been so cold. So… indifferent, not towards her at least.

And she couldn’t stand it. In the locker room, you had been all vitriol and rage. She could understand your anger. She knew how to respond to anger.

She could throw your pain back at you if you were simply angry. She could be angry in return. She could pretend that she didn’t know she was hurting you. She could pretend that she didn’t loathe herself for it.

But the way you looked at her. She couldn’t pretend that you weren’t in agony. That you weren’t suffering.

She didn’t know what to do with it. She didn’t know how to stop. Not without admitting the truth, and that fucking terrified her.

But losing you terrified her more. It was her greatest fear.

She had almost convinced herself that she hadn’t lost you. That it was just a disagreement you would get over. But as the elevator doors dinged shut, it was clear that this was different.

Her phone pinged, and it made her want to vomit. She knew it was him. She hated how her heart no longer leaped for him, but she wasn’t ready to put him out of his misery either.

She glared down at the device, sliding down the wall next to the elevator, unable to hold herself up.

“Great fucking timing,” She muttered, rubbing a frustrated hand through her hair.

She didn’t know how to stop. She didn’t know how to fix it. She just… didn’t know.

She closed her eyes, tilting her head up to the sky. She wasn’t sure if she believed in a god anymore (just that thought would make her parents’ head roll), but if there was, she wished he would tell her what the fuck to do. She wished he would tell her how the fuck she was supposed to fix this.

She felt Emily’s eyes on her for a long moment, before the defender slid down the wall to sit beside her.

“I didn’t mean for this to happen,” Lindsey said, taking a deep, watery breath. “Any of this,”

“She didn’t leave camp because of you,” Emily’s shoulders lifted and fell. “Her mom died. She’ll be back with us when we get to Kansas,”

Lindsey sucked in another deep breath.

So that was what your brother was harassing you about. That was the thing he wanted you to do.

She knew how strained your relationship with your family was. Your mother kicked you out when you were 16 because she found you kissing your high school girlfriend.

When she called her your… gay fantasy.

She had used the same term to insult you.

Jesus, how was she so fucking stupid?

“I’m sorry,”

Lindsey’s voice was heavy, weighed down by emotions she didn’t know how to put into words.

Emily’s shoulders lifted and fell again. “It’s not me you’ve gotta convince,”

Lindsey hated how indifferent she sounded too. How careful not to get in the middle.

And as if on cue, her phone pinged again.

She glared at the device, straining to prevent herself from throwing it across the room as if it was the root cause of all of her issues.

It buzzed again in her hand.

Emily rolled her eyes at the device. “I think the first step to showing her you’re sorry is to have a very important conversation with him,”

Lindsey frowned. How did Emily know she hadn’t told him yet? “How?”

“A locker room isn’t a good place for a private chat,” Emily shrugged for the 3rd time, and Lindsey wanted to scream. How was the blonde defender so… blasé?

It made the ache in her chest throb like the pain was in time with her heart. She rubbed at the spot on her chest, and the weight of Emily’s pitying gaze was too much to handle.

She couldn’t stop the tears that trickled down her cheeks, or the sobs that shook her to her core.

She didn’t deserve to cry. Not when she was the creation of the entire mess. Not when she was the one to make the choice.

Emily sighed, wrapping an arm around her shoulder and pulling her close.

Lindsey gripped her shirt with her free hand like her life depended on it.

Emily rubbed her back, resting her chin on blonde hair. It killed her to see you both so… distraught. She loved you both so much. No matter how unhappy she was with her friend, the blonde defender wasn’t heartless. She couldn’t sit back while one of her best friends sobbed.

She hugged Lindsey tightly, rocking side to side. “I’ve got you. You’re ok,”

Lindsey shuttered against her chest, her tears leaking into Emily’s shirt.

“I’m so sorry,” Lindsey cried, gripping Emily’s shirt for dear life.

Emily shushed her softly. “I know,”

She did know. She had seen the way Lindsey rubbed her chest and knew it was from the bond. The midfielder was getting a small taste of the agony you were in. A small feel of a soul being degraded.

“I don’t know what to do,” Lindsey hiccupped, pulling away.

Emily sighed heavily, running a hand through her hair. She didn’t know what to do either, well nothing that Lindsey was ready to do yet (break up with your boyfriend came to the front of her mind).

But past that, you weren’t at a place where you were ready to forgive Lindsey either. The midfielder hit a very sore spot. She had opened old wounds with little care. Wounds that would take time to heal.

“Well,” Emily said slowly. “Y/n has a lot to deal with right now. I don’t think pressuring her will help,”

“So I give up?” Lindsey sniffed.

Emily shook her head, raising an eyebrow, and instantly correcting her. “I think you give her the space she asked you for,”

Lindsey nodded once but bit her lip. “What if I see her? I can’t stop the dreams,”

Maybe a part of her was hoping to see you in a space where you couldn’t run away. Where she could finally get out all the things she wanted to say, even if you weren’t ready to hear it yet.

“I think you still try to give her space,” Emily cracked a smile as if she was reading the midfielder's mind. “You remember how to be a good human, don’t you?”

Lindsey got the look in her eye that she did when they were running film, and she had just found the other team’s weakness.

“I can do that,” She nodded, her determination clear.

Emily only hummed in response, I hope you can, echoing in her mind. Because if Lindsey couldn’t, well, that wasn’t a bridge Emily wanted to have to cross. It wasn’t a bridge Emily thought you would survive crossing.

*****

Lindsey’s nose scrunched as she came into awareness, her arms folding around herself in a tight hug as she shifted on the uncomfortable wooden floor. Goosebumps erupted on her arms and legs, a doomed attempt to fight the cold that surrounded her and settled deep into her bones.

She shifted again as her eyes blinked open, the floor creaking dangerously below her. She squinted at the dim blue ceiling, trailing down the peeling blue walls.

It was dark and dingy, unlike the previous dreams the two of you had shared. She idly wondered if it was due to the only source of light being a small window above the bed, or if it was a manifestation of something darker.

She let out a breath, watching as it left her in a white puff of mist, curling gently around her, highlighting how sad your small form curled on the windowsill looked.

You matched the room it seemed.

There was a small twin bed shoved against one wall and a broken dresser that stood at the end of your bed. It surprised her that those were the only items within the 4 walls. You didn’t even have a closet.

The only part of the room that looked new was the heavy wooden door. It had no handle, only a series of 4 shiny metallic locks. Her eyebrows furrowed. The keyholes were pointed inward.

She wondered if it was something the dream world had created. A way to force the two of you to have an actual conversation. One that she wasn’t prepared for.

You had asked for space after all. She assumed that translated to the dream world instead.

“It locks from the outside,” You answered her unasked question, never looking away from the window.

Her eyes snapped to you. “What?”

“The door,” You said, turning to wave a hand at the object, and resting your chin on your knees. “My mom used to lock it from the outside,”

Her breath caught in her throat. She hadn’t expected you to address her.

The red ring around your eyes was shocking, as was the way it made the Y/e/c in your eyes stand out. The pain in them was raw, real. It made Lindsey’s chest ache.

“Oh,” She breathed out, the weight of the implication too heavy for her brain to work through.

She knew your childhood was bad, but seeing the place you had grown up was… something else. It made her feel like she had ice in her beings, prickling at her skin from the inside out.

You shrugged, letting your legs fall off the sill and sliding onto the small twin bed. It creaked underneath you. “That's why I liked to sleep at the field. At least there I was free,”

Lindsey swallowed the lump in her throat with a slow nod, trying not to focus on how the mattress dipped under your light weight.

You leaned forward, your feet resting on the floor, your elbows on your knees and your chin in your hands. And you looked… sad. Pale and completely defeated. Being in this place was more torment than anything else for you, and Lindsey wondered if this was actually the place you were sleeping for the night.

If your brother was punishing you for ignoring him. If you were surviving your family.

The silence stretched between the two of you, as you chewed on your bottom lip watching her as she watched you. You reminded her of a wounded animal, backed into a corner. Trapped in a cage you couldn’t escape.

It made Lindsey’s chest ache. She couldn’t just sit in silence with you.

“I- I know you don’t believe me, but I’m sorry,” She stuttered out, barely above a whisper.

You instinctively knew she was telling the truth, and part of you wondered if it was some weird soulmate thing. The other part of you was too… exhausted to care.

You shifted on the bed, carefully rubbing over the spot on your chest, grimacing as you pressed too hard into the tender skin.

You couldn’t deal with that and your family and Lindsey all at the same time. It was just… too much.

“Can we just… not?” You asked slowly, and you hated the pain that permeated the sentence. You hated how Lindsey slumped back against the wall at the request. How… hurt she looked.

You didn’t want to hurt her, no matter how much pain she had inflicted on you. Two wrongs didn’t make a right.

She was once your best friend. She had held you while you suffered serious abuse in France. She held you together during your first NWSL season, and during the World Cup when the pressure of being back in the place that had hurt you and the need to perform had been too much. She had willingly blurred and crossed lines that you never had before.

Lindsey had always helped you handle your emotions, and though you didn’t have the right to ask her, you needed her in a way that settled deep in your bones. Like you couldn’t breathe without her.

You took a deep breath, steeling yourself for the rejection you knew you deserved.

“Look, I know it’s a lot to ask, but can we just pretend tonight that we don’t hate each other?” You asked, so softly she almost didn’t hear you, staring at the floor right by her feet.

“What?” Her eyebrows furrowed as you made eye contact again.

You worried your bottom lip, taking a second to gather the courage to ask her again. “Can we just be the old Y/n and the old Lindsey?” You held out a hand, noticing it was shaking. Your entire body was shaking. “just for tonight? Can we pretend that none of this ever happened?”

Lindsey had every right to deny you, especially when that was all she had asked of you from the beginning. All she wanted was to keep her best friend, and you couldn’t give her that. You told her you weren’t friends.

Why in the hell should she give you this now?

Lindsey gulped, slowly standing and taking your hand. Emily’s words echoed in her head. You remember how to be a good human, don’t you?

“Yeah, we can do that,”

Your hand squeezed hers once, twice, three times.

She smiled softly, as you scooted back on the bed, making space for her beside you. She very slowly joined you on the bed, trying not to wince when it nearly collapsed around the two of you. You wiggled your way under her arm, gently settling your head on her chest.

Warmth bloomed from the spot that you touched. It made the icicles in her veins retreat. It made the pain in her chest shrink. It made her feel… right.

She let her fingers trace patterns on your back and felt you slowly relax against her. She held you closer when she felt the tears leaking through her shirt and the subtle shake of your back.

Each little droplet burned her like acid, and the ice followed in their wake. It killed her that she was the reason for them.

“I don’t hate you,” Lindsey said, breaking the silence between you, staring at a dark patch in the ceiling. “And I had no right to say those things to you. I let my jealousy get the best of me,”

You hummed in response, rubbing your cheek against her chest. It made the pain in your chest lessen.

“I’m so so sorry,” She continued, her words disappearing into your hair.

She didn’t expect a verbal response from you. She didn’t need a verbal response.

She held you tighter though, smiling when she felt your heart rate slow against her, knowing that at least she was settling you instead of upsetting you tonight.

You closed your eyes and breathed in her scent, nearly as strong in the dreams as it was in real life.

“Love you Linds, always,” You mumbled against her, not looking up to see her reaction.

She stilled beneath you, waiting for your breathing to completely even out before she pressed her lips to the crown of your head.

“I love you too,”

Always.

*****

It was scary how exhaustion and pain were becoming an everyday part of your life. How you were used to the stabbing sensation in your chest, and the tingles that sprouted from it. How you were used to the little anvils behind your eyelids. How you were used to fighting your instincts to curl up and hide away.

By the time you made it to the hotel in Kansas City, you were losing that fight. You felt so heavy, exhaustion hitting you so bone-deep it was integrated into your very being.

It only took one look at you by the trainers and they were agreeing that a nap in your room was much needed. They let you grab a lunch plate and head up with little question. Kelley and Emily hadn’t bothered you either, only putting the tv on low while you dozed.

By dinner time, you felt ready to face the team. Well, as ready as you were going to get.

You rolled your eyes as you stepped into the hallway and saw Lindsey already waiting, seated beside your door, kicking yourself for not getting dressed fast enough to walk down with Kelley and Emily.

You hoped that this didn’t become a new normal for her. You were too tired to try and avoid her or to confront her head-on.

“Hey,” She said, scrambling to a standing position.

You tilted your head in acknowledgment, stepping past her and clicking the elevator button.

It felt eerily similar to the last time the two of you had spoken in person. Except this time she followed you into the elevator.

“So silent treatment?” She asked mostly to herself as the doors slid shut, trapping the two of you together.

Your shoulders lifted and fell. You had nothing against talking to Lindsey, you were just so exhausted.

You knew that you should bring up the shared dream, and the words that she had whispered when she thought you couldn’t hear. You knew you should thank her for comforting you when you had no right to ask for it.

But what else was there to say? You had said it was only for the night, and you were damned and determined to keep that. She deserved for you to let her be happy, even if it wasn’t with you.

You were too… raw to hear her say it though. Too raw for her to tell you again that she was going to choose him. That her comforting you had indeed been only for the night. Plus, it didn’t matter what she said while the two of you were alone. You knew the minute you were back with your friends, things would go back to the way they were before the dream, so believing her now would only… hurt more.

Your chest already ached at the thought.

Stifling silence was better than being rejected again.

Lindsey sighed heavily from beside you, placing a heavy hand on your arm, forcing you to look at her. “Look, I just wanted you to know that I meant what I said, All of it,”

You swallowed hard, trying to ignore the way goosebumps erupted across your arm where her skin touched yours.

You had meant everything that you said too, no matter how much you loathe to admit it, but you were sure Lindsey already knew that. She was by no means blind to how wrapped around her fingers you were.

She had known that you loved her since you were both barely adults. She had known since the first time the two of you…

It didn’t matter what she knew. It didn’t matter what she said. She had said it all before, hadn’t she? And you didn’t want to pretend anymore. You were too tired for games.

You nodded toward her, unwilling to argue. Her eyes tightened, and you could tell that she wanted to say more.

But you didn’t want to hear it. She could say whatever she wanted, but people’s emotions didn’t change overnight. A dream wasn’t some magical Band-Aid that would fix everything that was broken. Especially when you were the one to say the truce was only for the night.

Her mouth opened, but the elevator ding interrupted her before she could speak. Before she had the chance to crack the already broken shell you had built around yourself.

You stared at her for a long moment, frozen in time, trapped in the deep pools of her sorry eyes, before you ripped your arm away from her and darted out of the elevator.

You were moving so fast, looking behind you that you didn't see his tall, solid form until you were crashing into him. Her arms caught your shoulders as he steadied you.

“Whoa, easy,” He chuckled. Liquid fire raced from your heart, out to the points he had touched, an unnerving numbing chasing after it. You pulled away from him like you had been burned.

Your head whipped between him and Lindsey as you stumbled backward. Just as you thought, she only cared for you when no one was watching.

You had been right not to trust her.

*****

Pain was slowly becoming your close companion, the low ache in your chest and sludge in your stomach unwelcome friends that refused to leave your company. You closed your eyes tightly, pressing your face further into the cool cloth of the dining table.

Emily and Kelley's warm hands did little to ease the throbbing emanating from the dark mark on your chest.

“What is he even doing here?” You groaned into the white cloth, your eyes closed tightly leaning back into the soothing touch of your friends. It did little to help you, but you appreciated the effort.

You didn’t want to deal with the situation. With him. You had thought about what you would do if you ever met him. If you were ever forced to be in the same room as him, and none of those options seemed viable.

You were too exhausted, too pained to tell him what you thought of him. You cared for Lindsey too much to expose that she had lied to him, and it hurt too much to pretend like you were fine.

“It’s her 100 cap celebration,” Kelley supplied, sounding equally as annoyed as you felt. Her finger lightly grazed the angry black line that extended over your shoulder. You doubted that your kit top would cover it, and you worried that the commentators would draw more attention. That after the game you would be flooded with comments from fans who didn’t understand and media outlets who wanted to profit off of your pain.

They didn’t understand that it was excruciating being forced to watch your soulmate galavant with her boyfriend. You knew you shouldn’t have gotten your hopes up, but It still made you want to vomit.

“I didn’t think they were still talking. I thought she told him,” Emily mumbled, rubbing your back again as a form of apology. “She hasn’t been taking his calls since you left,”

You forced yourself upright, shrugging off the hand and grabbing your fork. You angrily stabbed at your fruit.

You hated that Emily had been caught between the two of you. It had acid pooling in your throat and made the throb moving up your shoulder pulse. Your pain should not be shared by your friends, and yet-

You shook your head, bringing the fruit to your lips.

You felt dirty. Emily had agreed to help Lindsey and now the midfielder was flaunting her relationship in front of you all.

“None of this is your fault,” You mumbled, chewing slowly. “It’s on her. She told me she loved me and now…-”

You shook your head again. You didn’t want an apology from Emily or Kelley. You didn’t even want one from Lindsey. You just wanted to be done. To run away and never come back. For it all to just… stop.

“There’s a difference between loving someone and being in love,” Kelley said softly, gently, like you were a fragile thing she was afraid to break.

You hummed. You knew that. It was just part of you… a small part… wanted to believe that she could love you. That eventually, she would choose to love you. It was that small hope that kept the soul-sucking ache at bay. That had helped you force your way through your visit with your family and all of their unwanted commentary.

“I just…” You trailed off, unsure of what you were even going to say. Your family had sapped all of your emotional energy, and this. Well, this just took whatever little you had left. “I don’t even know,”

Maybe you would run off to Australia this time, where no one would ever think to look for you and your path would never cross with your soulmate. Not even during dreams.

You took another bite of your fruit.

“Hey guys,” Lindsey smiled hesitantly, approaching the table and pausing beside the two empty chairs across from you. It drew the attention (and glares) of the entire table to her.

Your eyes were on her instantly. On the way his hand cupped the small of her back protectively and how she leaned back into him.

The knife in your chest twisted and the sludge sloshed. You did not doubt that the mark above your heart would grow. It always did when she rejected you.

You missed the greetings your friends sent their way, adding in your silent nod when Emily nudged you.

At least Ty pulled her chair out for her as they sat across from you.

You stared at him with a sort of masochistic curiosity, trying to see what she saw.

He leaned forward in his chair, reminding you of a giddy child, his dimples showing. “You all ready for South Korea?”

Maybe she liked the way his dirt-colored eyes glinted with excitement. Or the way his head bobbed when he talked.

It made your stomach roll again, ripping away the little appetite you had.

You cleared your throat, pushing your plate away and standing. Your chair screeched against the floor. “No, I need to go get my stuff together,”

You grabbed the still full plate, ignoring Emily and Kelley’s worried glances and Lindsey’s concerned eyes as you turned on your heel and headed for the door.

You didn’t want or need Lindsey’s concern because clearly, she didn’t care enough.

“So maybe I shouldn’t place too many bets on a high score line,” Ty chuckled, seemingly oblivious to your abrupt departure, or the awkward silence that had settled over the table. He glanced down at his plate, his smile only getting wider. “Ah shit, I forgot silverware,” he kissed Lindsey’s cheek and stood, his hand lingering on her shoulder as he headed back towards the food table. “Brb babe,”

She sent him a half smile back and then turned back to the unimpressed looks from her friends.

“You’re really something,” Kelley muttered around her glass. “But you already knew that,”

Lindsey’s eyebrows furrowed and she watched the defender carefully. “What?”

Kelley shook her head, her lips pursing as if she was thinking too hard about what she was going to say next. “You’re going to kill her, and you don’t even care,”

Lindsey’s frown deepened, a crease forming on her forehead. She was killing you? She knew you were in pain but… killing?

She couldn’t wrap her head around it. “What?”

The words felt dumb falling from her lips and she felt dumb for uttering them.

“You’re going to kill her,” Kelley repeated, her teeth gritting, even as Emily’s hand landed on her thigh. A warning to keep her from saying more. The older defender took a long breath. “And I wished you gave a fuck. It would feel more fair if you pretended to give a fuck,”

“I do give a fuck,” Lindsey hissed back, unable to stop the red that flooded her cheeks or the unwanted shiver that ran down her spine.

She cared about you far more than she wanted to admit. She cared so much that it hurt. It made the spot in her chest right above her heart ache and burn. It was a sting she couldn’t even properly put into words.

Kelley’s glass hit the table with more force than she meant for it to, and Emily’s hand tightened on her thigh.

“I can’t be on your side when you do things like this,” Emily said, disappointment dripping from her voice.

“For the record, I was never on your side,” Kelley interrupted her lip curling.

“We talked about this,” Emily continued as if Kelley hadn’t spoken. “And this isn’t-“

“I’m trying, alright,” Lindsey bit out, interrupting the blonde defender. “I thought he would get the message,”

She had been ignoring him for weeks. She didn’t invite him, but suddenly he was here.

Kelley snorted, crossing her arms. “And now he’s here,”

The older defender shook her head. She could still feel the black vein on your neck pulsing beneath her fingers like a dark promise. A siren of what was to come. A warning light that hadn’t been there before you had come face to face with him.

Emily’s fingers tightened on her. She wasn’t supposed to fight with Lindsey. She wasn’t supposed to get involved, she had promised you she wouldn’t but… she couldn’t just sit and watch.

Not while you were so insistent on ripping yourself apart to keep the truth from Lindsey.

Emily sighed, running the hand not holding Kelley through her hair. She knew she needed to pick her words carefully.

“You know how to be a good human Lindsey,” She said slowly, pushing herself to stand. You shouldn’t be left to your own devices for long. “and you’re running out of time,”

She sent the midfielder a meaningful look before turning on her heel and heading off to find you.

Kelley watched her leave, also pushing herself to stand.

She paused, tapping her knuckle on the table and looking directly into Lindsey’s burning blue eyes. “You need to make the right choice,”

She didn’t wait for Lindsey to reply before she too left the table, only taking a second to send Ty a glare as he reappeared at the table before heading out the door.

Lindsey could only watch her, slightly stunned. Her hand idly came up to rub the spot right above her heart that never stopped aching.

“Everything alright?” Ty asked, his hand landing heavily on her shoulder. Her eyes snapped to meet his. It burned where he touched her. It made the ice prickle in her veins. It felt… wrong.

He looked concerned for her. He cared about something that he didn’t understand because he cared for her. It made the acid in her stomach bubble.

He slid into the seat beside her, wrapping his arm more tightly around her.

“Everything's fine,” She muttered, leaning into him, frowning when his warmth did nothing to soothe the prickling in her veins or the pain in her chest.

He squeezed her shoulder. “You sure?”

She sent him a very tight smile and a short nod. “Everything is wonderful,”

He mirrored her, kissing her forehead and returning to his meal.

His lips burned, and all she could feel was the impression of yours. How many times had you kissed her forehead after an intimate moment or comforted her when things looked bad? How many times had you wrapped your arm around her so she could snuggle into your chest?

It made the pit in her stomach deepen, and she had no idea how she could stop it.

*****

You didn’t think yourself to be a superstitious person, but you liked to keep your pre-game ritual similar. You liked your process. It helped you get your head in the right space, and you desperately needed something that would let you focus on anything other than Lindsey and her boyfriend.

Your hands shook as you wrapped your red pre-wrap around your wrist, counting each pass in your head.

It was something you had done since the middle of your run with PSG in France. A tradition that fans talked about online, but no one ever asked about it directly.

For that you were thankful.

The only person who understood was Lindsey. She had seen the lines that littered the inside of your wrists and arms. The lines that had been a physical manifestation of your pain. Habits that you had relied on off and on since your time in France. Once you had only given up after Emily made you promise. After she saved you from Florida.

A part of you wished she hadn’t saved you.

The coral had felt good digging into your back, slicing you open like cheese on a grater as the ocean waves had their way with you. It felt good to give up control. To just be. You remembered the moment that your foot tether got caught on the rocks. How you hadn’t panicked. How you felt almost… relieved. How you stopped trying to reach for the diving knife you always kept on you or the velcro still around your ankle.

You could still feel the burn of the salty ocean water as it fought its way past your lips, how it stung your nose and throat as you finally let go. You could still see the last bubble that escaped your lungs as the water rushed in and the diver's wide eyes as she cut you free just seconds before it was too late.

Your oxygen-deprived brain had been convinced it was Lindsey coming to save you. That you weren’t nothing to her.

And then you had woken up to bright lights and beeping machines.

A hand covered your own, catching the athletic tape slipping through your fingers before it could fall to the ground. Your eyes snapped up to meet its owner, softening at Sofia’s shy smile.

“Want some help?”

She gestured towards your arms, shaking the tape in her hand.

Your eyes followed it, and you sucked your bottom lip in between your teeth.

The only person who had ever helped you with your tape was Lindsey.

It was frustrating how intertwined you were with her, even when she didn’t want you. How you had shared so much of your life with her while she shared hers with him.

“Or I can get Kelley or Emily,” Sofia said quickly, misinterpreting your hesitation. “You just look like you shouldn’t be alone,”

“No, I,” You shook your head. The words were caught in your throat. Trapped there by an invisible ocean of rushing water surging into your lungs.

You missed Huerta's gesture towards Kelley behind your shoulder or the way several of your teammates were looking at you with worried eyes.

You only noticed when a warm, familiar hand landed on your shoulder, a thumb brushing the little black vein creeping up your neck.

“Hey, Y/n take some deep breaths,” She said, very close to your ear, trying to keep her voice soft and calming. “Em will be back here in a few minutes. She just had to talk to the staff about her jersey,”

You shook your head. “I’m ok Kell,”

She raised her eyebrow at you, unimpressed, and her fingers pressed into the little black vein just above your elbow as Huerta began to do your wrap. “You aren’t, and we both know it,”

You were pretty sure the entire team knew by this point, especially if the pitying looks Alex and Megan were sending your way were anything to go off of. It wasn’t like you were doing a good job of hiding it.

You had never been good at pretending and you were just so tired.

“I just need to make it through pre-game, and I’ll be fine,” You said too quickly. The field had always been your safe space, the game the only place where you felt free. If you could just make it there, then maybe you could postpone the inevitable. Maybe it would give you enough time not thinking for you to pull yourself together.

Kelley let out a long sigh, her fingers squeezing your shoulder. “And then what?”

“I’ll play the game,” You answered automatically, robotically.

“Then what happens after the game?” Kelley pressed, just as Sofia let go of your wrist and caught your other arm.

You instantly ran it through your hair, closing your eyes tightly. “I haven’t really thought that far,”

Sofia tried to keep her eyes on your arm, tried not to look towards the little sliver of skin that appeared when you shifted again and tried not to notice the angry black lines just barely visible below the hem of your jersey.

She swallowed hard, focusing too much on finishing the wrap on your arm.

She knew where marks like that came from, the entire team did. She knew that if she asked you about it, it would likely push you over the edge, the one you were already teetering on.

“Pretending that it doesn’t exist won't make it disappear,” Kelley murmured, her thumb squeezing the place between your shoulder and neck, trying to alleviate the tension she felt there.

You shrugged off her hand, catching the tape from Sofia’s grasp as she made the last turn around your wrist. “What other choice do I have?”

Your voice was cold and thin. Like taking a step on a lake that was barely frozen over. It held a danger Sofia didn't necessarily understand beneath the surface, but it was enough.

She cleared her throat, blinking up at you as she tore the tape roll from the piece secured to your arm, ignoring the glares burning into the side of her face from across the room.

“I think you always have a choice,” She mumbled, pushing herself to stand.

Your eyebrows furrowed.

“Soph,” Kelley said gently, trying to cut the defender off.

Sofia shook her head. “No. It’s true. We always have a choice,”

A very small smile cracked across your features at her insistence. At her innocence. You very gently squeezed Kelley. Telling her that it was ok. “The problem is, someone else got to make it for me,”

Sofia frowned her eyes darting over your shoulder, and you opened your mouth to continue. To try and explain the mess of a situation you found yourself in. How the only choice you had was to suffer for her.

But you didn’t have to. She took a step forward, catching your hand. “Look, I don’t know what’s going on, but you’ve got the youngins and me behind you. No matter what,”

You nodded once, swallowing the lump suddenly caught in your throat.

She squeezed your arm for a long second before moving past you.

You watched her go, your eyes trailing over her form and towards Lindsey who was shooting daggers your way.

Kelley’s hand tightened on your shoulder. “it’s not just the youngins,” She said, sending a glare back toward Lindsey. “You’ve got the entire locker room behind you,”

You shrugged her off, ducking your head away from Lindsey’s burning eyes and moving back towards your locker. “I don’t need anyone to fight. That’s not fair to her,”

You didn’t even notice how your hand instinctively came up to rub at the ever-present twinge in your chest.

“And none of this is fair to you,” Kelley said sternly, her eyes never leaving Lindsey’s.

You sighed. It wasn’t that you didn’t appreciate Kelley’s protectiveness, it was just that you were so tired, and she was making your plan to ignore the ache in your chest even more difficult than it already was. You didn’t need any more reasons to fall apart, not when you were already struggling to hold the frayed ends of yourself together.

You just needed to make it through the game, and then you could disappear to Antarctica to die in peace.

“Can we just… not?” You muttered, finally letting your exhaustion peek through the cracks in your voice. Kelley’s head snapped towards the sound, and a little part of you instantly hated the vulnerability leaking through your shell. “I just need to get through this game,”

She blew out a long breath of her own, and you knew she wanted to argue. To say that pushing it all down wouldn’t do anyone any good, but she didn't. She nodded once, “Yeah, we can just not,”

******

The game against Korea was… frustrating. More frustrating than you had expected it to be.

You just couldn’t seem to get your head in the game, which was strange because the only part of your life that wasn’t falling apart was the pitch.

Everything just felt off. You couldn’t connect with Lindsey and all 12 of your shots had either pinged off the crossbar or landed safely in the keeper's waiting hands.

It was infuriating, and as the minutes slowly ticked by, you could feel yourself getting more and more worked up. Your passes to Alex and Mal were wide, your collection of balls from Sofia was increasingly sloppy and any chance you had at that point was shit. You could feel yourself giving in to your inner turmoil. Giving in more and more to the building pressure and Vlatko’s unhelpful demands.

It was pathetic and you couldn’t help but despise yourself.

By the time the final whistle blew, you were just done. More done than you could ever remember being.

You always sought to find your limit. To push yourself until you couldn’t push yourself anymore. You always claimed you hadn’t found the edge yet.

But here you were, teetering on the wrong side of it.

You hoped maybe a shower would tether you to reality. That the hot water would be a welcome solace. That it would be the balm to the burning ache that settled heavily in your chest.

You hoped that the universe would give you a fucking break for once.

But of course, it couldn’t.

You barely paid attention to the fans as you quickly finished your mandatory lap around the field, and headed towards the tunnel, ignoring the people calling your name as you slipped inside.

The sight that met you made you wish you hadn’t. It made you wish you had pretended to be fine for them.

It made your heart stop.

The sight of him pressing her into the wall, their lips connected. Of his hands heavy on her hips, and her fingers tangled in the baby hairs at the back of his neck. Of his thigh working its way between her legs and the way she leaned into the feeling.

It made your chest bubble and your stomach churn, but you couldn’t force yourself to look away.

You were just… frozen.

You were stuck, wondering if it had looked the same way when you kissed her. If she had melted against you like she melted for him. If the two of you fit as seamlessly as they did. If her head tilted the same way, trying to get a better angle. If she enjoyed his kisses as much as she enjoyed yours.

You could almost imagine her mouth against yours. The passion and love that you could always feel when she kissed you. How it filled you from the tips of your toes to the very top of your ears. It was another part of her that was imprinted on your soul.

It was like watching a trainwreck, and you reveled in the morbid curiosity. In the knife twisting in your chest, slicing through your already torn heart with little care.

She was kissing him where everyone could see them. Where a camera could spot them down the tunnel. Where the cheering of fans had just barely dulled.

It struck you like the wrong note on a guitar.

She was proud to be his.

She was never proud to be yours. Hell, she was never even yours. She was ashamed of you, and she kept you hidden like a dirty little secret.

It was pathetic that you couldn’t see it until now. That you had been too stubborn to accept that she would never want you. Not when she had him.

You were pathetic. Unwanted. Completely unlovable.

The realization was like a grenade exploding in your chest, blowing apart the little pieces of your heart that were left.

“Come on,”

Warm hands were suddenly on your shoulder, and a voice was very close to your ears, but you barely heard it over the roaring in your head or the pounding of your heart.

The hands urged you forward, towards the locker room and away from the scene. It felt like you were underwater, the halls passing too slowly and too quickly all at the same time. The lines of the concrete walls blurred together. Your stomach rolled just as the locker room door swung open, and you were pushed into a seat.

“I can't fucking believe her,” Emily hissed, slamming the door carelessly behind her.

Kelley sighed, settling down beside you and catching your hand. “I can,”

You hadn’t even realized your nails were digging into your chest, clawing at your racing heart, trying to get to the burning ice it was pushing through your veins. Your stomach bubbled, and you could feel the bile climbing to the back of your throat.

“I think I’m going to be sick,”

The words barely left your lips before a trash can was pressed into your chest.

Kelley rubbed your back as you heaved, emptying what little was in your stomach into the trash can. “Let it out, kid,”

You grimaced, pulling away when you were finished, accepting a towel from Emily as she took the trash can. You wiped your mouth, ignoring the pity radiating from her.

You didn’t want her pity. You didn’t want anyone’s pity. You wanted to disappear. To… never have existed, to begin with.

Emily blew out a long breath, settling beside you, her head resting in her palms. “She just… I thought she was sorry. I thought…”

“It’s not your fault,” You croaked, shaking your head.

It wasn’t anyone’s fault but your own. If you weren’t so weak then maybe Lindsey would think you were worthy of her.

“No. This is all on Lindsey,” Alex said, her voice edging on exasperation. “I don’t know what the fuck she was thinking,”

You blinked up at them, realizing for the first time that your other teammates had followed you, Emily, and Kelley, back. That you weren’t alone.

It was like a switch flipped in your head. Like the volume of a radio getting turned up to 11. The voices of your teammates blurred together around you in an indignant symphony of too much sound.

You couldn’t handle it. You didn’t have enough emotional fortitude to deal with this. Not in a way that wouldn’t upset them.

Your fingers dug into your temples. You didn’t want them to be involved.

“Stop,” You said, your voice barely above a whisper.

The room froze in response, their pitying gazes sinking into your form.

You didn’t want their pity either.

You cleared your throat, trying to push through the croakiness. “I’m too tired to deal with this shit. I just-“

The words died on your lips as the locker room door swung open, and Lindsey stepped into the room.

Everyone's attention snapped to her, and you couldn’t help the way your eyes dragged down her form. You couldn’t help how you traced the flyaway hairs pulled from her tight ponytail, the slight swelling of her lips, or the way her jersey was slightly bunched just above her waist. It was evidence. The final nails in an already closed coffin.

You cleared your throat again, tearing your eyes away from her and examining your still cleat-covered foot, ignoring the suffocating tension that had built in the room. “I think I’m just gonna go to the bus and catch a nap. I’ll shower when we get back to the hotel,”

The words sounded robotic as they left your lips, scratchy in a way that your voice rarely was, almost like someone else was saying them.

They hung in the air for a long minute as you gathered the strength to push yourself to your feet.

“Oh,” Lindsey breathed out, but you ignored it, focusing instead on trying to keep your legs from wobbling as you shoved yourself up.

“I’ll come with you,” Kelley said, mirroring your move stand and casually wrapping an arm around your waist, steadying you. “I’m tired too. A nap might be good,”

A part of you wanted to be annoyed with the defender, but the larger, exhausted part of you was grateful for her protectiveness.

You leaned into her, letting her care and safety wrap around you, as she guided you out of the room.

You knew she couldn’t shield you for forever, but you would take any moment of peace that you could get.

*****

Lindsey stood frozen as you brushed past her, Kelley’s glare daring her to try and stop you.

It filled her with a feeling she didn’t quite understand.

She could feel the angry gazes of her teammates as she trudged back to her locker. They were like sites on a gun, and she was waiting for whatever bullet they wanted to send.

“Do I have something on my face?” She asked toward no one in particular as she pulled off her boots and socks. “Or are we starting a new trend where we stare as people undress,”

“Kelley’s right,” Sofia said, her voice breaking through the murmurs spreading around the locker room. “You’re fuck-“

“No,” Emily interrupted the young defender, with a small shake of her head, looking more tired than Lindsey had ever seen her. “Y/n doesn’t want us to fight,”

“Let her finish Em,” Lindsey spat back, annoyed even if she didn’t have a right to be. Even if she was in the wrong. Being angry was easier than facing the truth. “Get it off your chest. What is Kelley right about?”

“That it would feel more fair if you pretended to give a fuck,” Emily said softly before Sofia could answer, and Emily saw recognition in the other defender's eyes.

It was the least inflammatory thing Kelley had said. The only thing that didn’t indicate malicious intent in Lindsey’s actions. The only true thing that hopefully wouldn’t cause Lindsey to dig her heels in more.

They weren’t sure how much more digging you could take.

“I do give a fuck,” Lindsey hissed, accentuating the irritation she felt at the jab.

Sofia scoffed. “Yes, because kissing your boyfriend just feet from the edge of the tunnel you knew your soulmate was going to walk down is totally giving a fuck,”

Lindsey finally looked up at the young defender, meeting her burning glare.

Her lip curled at the implication. “That wasn’t planned,”

“And you were trying your hardest to stop it weren’t you?” Sofia bit back sarcastically, ignoring Emily’s hand on her arm. The warning to slow down. “That’s why you were pulling him closer to you instead of pushing him away,”

Lindsey's eyebrows furrowed. She hadn’t been expecting the venom in those words. The disdain. Maybe from Kelley, or even Alex, Tobin, and Christen, sure. She expected the vets to be upset because they understood the history she had with you.

She never expected someone new to the team to butt into an already complicated situation. One they clearly didn’t understand.

“What the fuck is your problem,” Lindsey bit back, squinting at the defender. “I don’t know why you think you have the right to comment-“

“Because no one else will,” Sofia growled. “We’re watching Y/n destroy herself and no one will say anything because she cares too much about you to let us. Someone needs to care about her, and it certainly isn’t you,”

“Soph,” Emily attempted to interrupt her, to cut off the building anger crackling off of Lindsey’s form, and to stop Sofia from saying something that you didn’t want Lindsey to know.

“No. Don’t Soph me. She needs to know!” The defender bellowed, her chest heaving as she finally ripped her eyes away from Lindsey. “Fuck whatever convoluted chivalrous act Y/n wants to pretend she’s committing. You’ve seen the-“

“That’s enough.” Emily snapped, authority filling her voice, silencing Huerta before she could finish her sentence.

Huerta met her eyes, and an unspoken conversation passed between them.

Lindsey’s eyes widened at the sentence. What had Emily seen that she hadn’t? She knew you were in pain, that was obvious, but was there something that she wasn’t seeing?

She needed to know.

“No, let her continue since she thinks she knows Y/n so well,” Lindsey said, purposefully raising her eyebrow. Trying to get a reaction. “It’s been what, 2 months since you’ve met her?”

Emily’s blue eyes darted back to her. “Enough,” The defender said, gesturing for Sofia towards the bathroom. “Go take your shower. Vlatko wants you for media,”

Sofia frowned. “But,”

Emily shook her head. “Go,”

Sofia swallowed hard, but nodded, angrily grabbing her change of clothing and doing as she was told.

Both blondes watched as Sofia left, and a charged silence stretched between them.

You had asked Emily not to get involved. You told her you didn’t want her in the middle.

That didn’t mean she wasn’t.

“I told you to be a good human. I told you to have a hard conversation,” Emily said softly, turning back to her own locker, but no one mistook exactly who she was addressing. “Instead you chose to flaunt him in front of her,”

“Like she wasn’t flaunting whatever is going on with her and Sofia,” Lindsey scoffed before she could stop herself. Just saying the words out loud had a strange ache forming just above her heart. One that had nothing to do with the jealousy that bubbled in her stomach any time she saw the attention you gave the defender.

Especially when she was on her knees, wrapping your arms before the game.

Emily paused, gripping her sweatshirt and turning back towards her best friend, an incredulous look plastered across her features. “Do you even fucking hear yourself? You still think this is a game, don’t you?”

Lindsey didn’t answer, instead choosing to pick at a hangnail on her thumb. She didn’t think it was a game, but if you were going to ignore her and Ty wasn’t, then maybe she hadn’t seen the harm. Maybe she wanted you to feel the jealousy bubbling in her veins.

Maybe she hadn’t thought it through.

Emily shook her head. “I’m not even sure it matters. I think you’re out of time,”

She didn’t add that she wasn’t on Lindsey’s side anymore either as she exited the room and that she was pretty sure most of their team echoed her sentiment.

*****

Your fingers dug into the marble countertop of the hotel bathroom, your nails scraping at the surface like they would keep you from falling over the edge. Like the pressure would stop the anvil on your chest from caving your sternum in.

Water pooled on the surface and the floor below you, still dripping from the shower.

You understood why Kelley had been reluctant to leave you while the team went to dinner, but you promised you just wanted a shower. You just wanted to sleep when Lindsey couldn’t follow you.

You dragged your eyes from the gold-plated faucet to the mirror. You paused at the angry back web that began just above the towel around your waist. The pulsing lines that now covered your stomach, tracing back to a solid black circle the size of a baseball right over your heart, continued over your shoulder and down your left arm, nearly past your elbow.

The dark marks were accented by the deep red of your skin, abused by the too-hot water in the shower and your incessant scrubbing.

An Ill thought attempt to remove her mark on you. To get rid of the traces she had left.

Pathetic

You sneered the words in your head, forcing your eyes up the column of your throat and meeting them in the mirror.

They reminded you of a shark's eyes. Cold and unfeeling. Completely soulless.

That was how this would all end, wasn’t it?

The dark mark was just a representation of the punishment the universe was inflicting on you. That Lindsey was inflicting on you for being unworthy after all.

You would lose everything that you were. It would be taken from you, piece by piece until all that was left was a shell only capable of feeling pain and misery.

You once thought that feeling nothing would be worse, but now it was all you longed for to be removed from your emotions. To not feel the pain and agony that had become your closest allies.

You tighten your grip on the counter, hoping it could help steady the building storm in your chest.

You deserved the pain.

Your mother had been telling you since you could walk, but you were just too afraid to listen.

You were weak. Worthless. Unlovable.

It was almost funny how it was her voice cackling in your head.

You shouldn’t have been shocked. Why would Lindsey choose you over him? She wouldn’t.

She didn’t.

You were nothing compared to him. You were nothing at all.

Lindsey had said so herself the night of your World Cup win, as she shoved your lips off of her neck and kicked you out of the closet the two of you were sharing. She told you it was a mistake. Meaningless.

Weak. Worthless. Unlovable. Nothing.

Lindsey’s voice joined your mother’s, repeating the words in your head over and over.

And you blinked up at yourself in the mirror, realizing that your hands had moved to clutch at your ears. To stop the word’s running around your brain.

Your face morphed in the mirror, your mother's sneer replacing your features.

No one would ever want you. You were weak. Worthless. Unlovable.

Nothing.

You felt the walls of the room closing in on you, your mothers cackling laugh echoing through your head so loudly it was shaking the room. Shaking the mirror.

You needed everything to stop moving.

Weak. Worthless. Unlovable. Nothing.

You needed it to stop.

The mirror cracked before your eyes, the pain radiating through your hand only after the tremendous crash drowned out their voices.

It didn’t hurt though. It felt good. But it wasn’t enough.

Your fist collided with the glass again, and again and again. Intent on obliterating the face staring back at you. Intent on destroying your face.

Piece by piece your reflection collapsed, leaving only glittering shards in its place.

You were only satisfied when your entire form disappeared and just a blank white and red wall was left.

You blew out a shuddering breath, stumbling backward and sliding down the wall until you were leaning against the tub, uncaring of the glass pieces prickling at your bare skin.

At least you were feeling something other than your internal pain. At least it was tangible.

You picked up one of the larger shards, catching a blue eye in its reflection.

You were just a mistake. We are nothing. You are nothing.

Lindsey’s words echoed around your brain, pricking at your veins, and your hand unintentionally tightened around the shard.

Why did you think she would pick you?

You were weak. Worthless. Unlovable. Nothing.

*******

Kelley knew that they should not have left you after the game.

She knew that it was a very bad idea, despite your insistence that you were just going to take a shower and maybe watch some television while they got dinner with the team.

She trusted that you were stable enough to do that. But She could just feel that something bad was going to happen. It was like a snake slithering through her ribs and settling deep in her bones.

As she stepped into your shared hotel room, she knew trusting you had been a very bad idea.

Very, very, very bad.

Her breath caught as she stepped into the hotel room, the open bathroom door immediately caught her attention. Her eyes were drawn to your stoic form, sitting in a towel, propped up against the tub. A sea of glass surrounded you, glinting off the harsh fluorescent lights speckled with little flecks of red. Like islands dotted around the ocean.

But the thing that made her stomach curl was the dark mark on your torso. The epicenter was right at the center of your chest with tentacle-like veins stretching across your abs and shoulder, twisting along your neck and arm, pulsing with bubbling black sludge in time with your heart.

It reminded Kelley of a murder scene from one of the old horror movies Emily liked to watch. Like a horrifically poetic monstrosity of modern art.

“Holy fuck,” Emily breathed out right next to Kelley’s left ear.

She knew you could be self-destructive, but she hadn’t expected this… maybe she should have.

You didn’t move at the sound. You didn’t even look over at them. You just looked… blank and it sent an unpleasant shiver down Emily’s spine.

She hadn’t seen that look on your face since Florida.

“Go get her some clothes, I’m going to try to get her out of here,” Kelley sighed.

You couldn’t stay in a bloody towel especially if you had cut yourself worse than the scratches Kelley could already see, and you couldn’t exactly walk out with all the glass on the floor.

“Yeah,” Emily nodded, squeezing Kelley’s hips before moving around her and further into the hotel room.

Kelley took a long steadying breath, stepped forward, her shoes crunching in the shattered glass, and squatted so she was at eye level with you.

“Hey, Y/n,” She said gently, “How about we get you out of there? Ok?”

You blinked listlessly at her, your head lolling to the side in what Kelley assumed was an acknowledgment.

She took another shaky breath, again tracing down the black vein curing around your neck and down your arm. Besides the dark marks, your chest and torso appeared to be alright. So did your right hand, but your left…

Your knuckles were stained red, dripping maroon droplets to your fingertips, pooling on the ground just beside your hip.

“Y/n,” She tried again. Your hand shifted slightly in return, and that’s when she caught the glint of the glass shard in your palm.

“Hey, sweetie, can you put the glass down for me please?” She asked, swallowing hard to hide the panic threatening to overtake her. She had to be calm for you.

You blinked again, your hand shifting slightly, almost like you couldn’t process her words. Kelley tilted her head, catching your empty eyes.

“Y/n,” Kelley said more sternly, hoping to break through whatever stoic wall you had put in place. “Drop the mirror,”

Silence stretched between you for a long minute, before your fingers unwound from the shard in your hand. It hit the floor with a low tink, splashing in the liquid beside you. Still, Kelley felt the knot in her chest unwind just a little now that the immediate threat was gone.

“Let’s get you up, ok?” She asked, extending a hand to you. “And dressed,”

“The mirror broke,” You croaked out in response, and Kelley frowned.

“I can see that,” She sighed, wiggling her fingers towards you. “let’s get you out of here, and we can call maintenance to take care of it,”

You stared at the outstretched appendage for a long second, as though you were afraid of it before you slowly nodded.

“I’m going to lift you,” she said gently, waiting for you to slowly nod again before she scooped you up and carefully carried you out of the bathroom.

Emily smiled tightly at you as Kelley set you on your feet in front of their bed. Together they ran a towel down your legs to remove any extra glass and helped you into your sweats and t-shirt.

You blew out a long breath when they were finished, settling on the end of the bed and allowing Kelley to guide your hand into her lap. Emily took your other side, idly rubbing your back as you both watched Kelley carefully began to examine the mangled flesh of your hand.

She was methodical as she used a warm washcloth to compress your hand, moving it only to catch little peeks at the gashes in your knuckles and the slice right at the center of your palm.

You flexed your fingers when she pressed just a bit too tightly, hissing in pain.

Both defenders shared a long look. This wasn’t something they could patch up themselves, not when you were still actively bleeding.

“We’re going to have to take you to Dawn,” Kelley said seriously, dabbing another bit of glass from the back of your hand, red oozing out after it. “I think you need stitches,”

You nodded solemnly, unwilling to fight.

There was nothing for you to fight for anyway.

Kelley and Emily shared another worried look. They didn’t like how quiet you were. How still you were. It was somehow worse than when you were vocal about the pain you were in.

It made them wonder about why the mirror had broken, and your intention behind it.

Emily cleared her throat. “Y/n, was this like when you went surfing in Florida?”

You shook your head, biting your lip.

This felt very different from Florida.

“What happened?” Kelley pressed, again peeking at the very deep gash on your palm.

You squinted, trying to think of how to put it into words.

Everything had just been too much, and you wanted your brain to stop. You wanted Lindsey to stop. You wanted the pain in your chest to go away and to feel anything other than the weight of your failure.

“I just wanted it to stop,” You said finally, your voice horse and straining. “I needed it to stop,”

“Alright,” Kelley sighed. “Let’s get you to Dawn so she can clean you up,”

You nodded once again, letting Kelley and Emily guide you to your feet and towards the door.

Dawn would be able to help you.

*****

Emily blew out a long, shaky breath, leaning back into Kelley’s chest. Her eyes never left your form, tucked into a hospital bed.

It had been surprisingly easy to convince you that you needed stitches, especially when Dawn told you that a hospital was your best option.

You had answered all of her and the doctor's questions with shocking honesty and sat perfectly still as an intern stitched and wrapped the mangled flesh of your hand (but not before Kelley snapped a picture of it and the dark lines curling from your chest).

“It’s not a permanent solution, but the medication we’ve given her should help for now,” The doctor explained carefully, gesturing towards you in the window.

Emily hummed in agreement.

The IV they gave you had the dark veins in your neck and shoulder retreating, leaving thin gray behind. It had the color returning to your eyes, even if they were still dull. It was enough and not nearly enough all at once.

“How long do you think it’ll last?” Kelley asked very softly.

The doctor’s shoulders lifted and fell. “It all depends on her soulmate,”

Kelley nodded in understanding.

Soulmate sickness was one of the most mysterious illnesses out there. One of the trickiest to stop. The only one that was dependent on another person's actions.

Lindsey’s actions were killing you.

What was worse was that you were going to let her.

“Thank you,” The older defender said towards the doctor, and he bid them goodbye.

Emily let out another long breath. “How did it come to this?”

She had never imagined that two of her teammates would be in a position like this. That Lindsey would put you in a position like this.

Not with the history the two of you shared.

“Well,” Kelley said, dragging out the word. “Lindsey is afraid of god knows what, and Y/n loves her so much she’s willing to let her be happy, even if it kills her,”

Emily made a low sound in the back of her throat. “We shouldn’t have left her alone,”

Kelley’s arms tightened around her waist, and her nose nudged under Emily’s ear, before she let go, using insistent fingers on Emily’s hips to get her to turn around.

“I don’t know that we could have stopped her,” Kelley said seriously, making eye contact with Emily’s gray. “I know you tried in Portland, but this is uncharted territory, even for her,”

Emily’s eyes darted away from her, but Kelley didn’t let her pull away. “Em, you couldn’t have stopped her,”

Emily nodded slightly. It was just hard. She had been looking out for you since you came to Portland. She was one of the first to know about your… situationship? Friends with benefits arrangement? With Lindsey. She was the first person you told that you had caught feelings.

She saw the fallout the first time.

She knew about the little lines that had littered the insides of your thighs. She knew how they had appeared no matter how hard she had tried to stop them.

But this was different. They had no idea how you had broken the mirror, or how long you sat in the mess. Dawn guessed that the wounds had been open for at least an hour and from the amount of blood in the bathroom. They were just lucky you hadn’t dropped the piece of glass until they got there, or tried to pick the smaller pieces out of your skin.

“I know,” Emily murmured, leaning forward so her forehead touched Kelley’s. “I just hate seeing her like this,”

“I do too,” Kelley agreed softly.

“What do we do?” Emily asked, her voice cracking.

“Tobin and Christen are on their way, so we wait until they get here,” Kelley said, pulling back just slightly to peek at your still sleeping form through the window. “and in the meantime, we do the only thing we can do,”

She pulled her phone from her back pocket and flicked through her contacts. She found the one she was looking for and typed out a simple text, including 3 pictures.

Emily’s hand covered the screen, stopping her from hitting the send button. “Is that a good idea?”

“Do you have a better one?” Kelley asked, raising an eyebrow.

Emily sighed, shaking her head, and pulling her hand away.

She didn’t have a better idea. She had no idea how to navigate this situation at all.

Kelley pressed the button and then tucked her phone away again.

She turned back towards your sleeping form. “Now, let’s go keep her company,”

Emily hummed. That was all they could do. Keep you company and keep you together until more experienced hands arrived.

Hopefully, you didn’t have any more chunks missing by the time they got there.

You had made it back from the brink of disaster once, now they had to pray you had the will to do it again.

*****

It was safe to say that this night had not gone at all the way Lindsey had planned, not that she had a brilliant plan to begin with.

She let out a breath, glancing down at the man beside her. Her eyes traced his bare chest, down his arms to where their fingers were intertwined.

She didn’t know he was coming. She hadn’t anticipated that he wouldn’t take her ducking and dodging as hints that she didn’t want him to come.

She also didn’t anticipate your reaction. You barely even looked at her, and it had unexpected jealousy creeping in her veins until she let him kiss her in an effort to get you to finally notice. To have some kind of reaction that wasn’t stoicism.

The incident in the locker room after should have been expected. Her two worlds had collided and it ended in destruction that even she couldn’t have predicted.

An unmitigated disaster with you at the epicenter.

Her disaster.

She blew out another long breath.

There was another reason she didn’t push him away, one that was even more difficult for her to acknowledge. Pushing him away would mean admitting that there was something wrong in their relationship. It would raise red flags that she wasn’t ready to face, especially with her parents in town too.

If they knew… she was sure they would reject her.

But in the process of protecting herself, she hurt you. She didn’t know exactly how much, but it was enough to send her teammates into a frenzy.

It was enough to turn the locker room against her, despite your apparent efforts to get them to remain neutral.

She wasn’t surprised, even she was against herself. She just… didn’t know how to fix it. She didn’t even know where to start.

Well, that was a lie. She did know where to start. Emily told her where to start. She was just too much of a coward to do it.

It made her hate herself. She didn’t want to hurt you. She never wanted to hurt you.

Her phone dinged from the bedside table, and she couldn’t resist the urge to grab it, hoping that it was you.

It wasn’t.

Still, she swiped Kelley’s notification. She wished she hadn’t.

It was a sentence she would never forget.

I think you should see what you’re doing to her.

Below it were three photos.

The first was of knuckles, torn and jagged. Sliced over and over by a force she didn’t know. The second was a palm cut nearly to the bone, tendons, and muscle peeking from its uneven edges. Both were wet, oozing, fresh.

But it was the 3rd picture that stole the air from her lungs and set her chest on fire. Bubbling, and burning, in an ache that spread with every beat of her heart.

It was a zoomed-out photo of the arm and shoulder attached to the mangled hand. Dark tendrils stretched from the elbow, winding around the arm, over the shoulder. It crept up the neck, and towards a pitch-black bruise right above the person's heart.

You should see what you’re doing to her.

Lindsey shook her head. Right above your heart.

“Fuck,”

“Wha’,” Ty mumbled, sitting up with bleary eyes, catching a glimpse of the grotesque image on the phone. He grabbed the device, pulling it closer. “Shit, is that one of your teammates?”

Lindsey pressed her lips into a thin line, nodding minutely. If she opened her mouth, she wouldn’t be able to stop the tears from coming out.

She knew what lines like that on a person meant.

Kelley and Sofia were right.

She was killing you, and she hadn’t even known it. The bruise on your chest was just an outward manifestation of your decaying soul. Or maybe she knew, but she wasn’t strong or brave enough to stop it. She didn’t give enough of a fuck to stop it before it was too late.

Emily was right too. She knew how to be a good human, and she had chosen not to.

“Babe?” Ty asked gently, and it was then she realized that she was shaking. That the low sob echoing through the hotel room was coming from her.

He dropped the phone and pulled her into a bone-crushing hug just as she fell apart. She buried her face in his chest, gut-wrenching sobs clawed their way from her lips like ripped pieces of her soul and landed against his skin.

She hadn’t cried through any of this. She didn’t deserve to cry, not when she was the one responsible for your pain. For your suffering.

“It’s alright, just let it out,” He murmured into her hair, rocking her gently. “I’ve got you,”

He held her together like a good man… a good person should.

And it made her feel worse because all she could think about was the feeling of your chest, of your arms wrapped around her. Your perfume in her nose and your hushed whispers reminding her that everything would be ok.

She couldn’t be that for you. She couldn’t put her own needs aside, even when you were ripping yourself apart.

Yet, he held her even when she didn’t deserve it. When she deserved for him to throw her away.

Slowly, her sobs turned into sniffles, and she clung to him for dear life, for the last moments she knew he would let her.

She couldn’t hide from reality anymore. She couldn’t hurt you anymore.

“You gonna tell me what this is all about?” He asked softly into her hair, never forcing her out of his chest.

She sucked in a shuttered breath, pulling herself away, wiping her eyes, and looking anywhere but at him.

The time had finally come for the important conversation. For the truth.

“I-“ She gulped around the words caught in her throat. She took another shuddering breath, steeling herself. “I met my soulmate,”

A pregnant pause stretched between them, only broken when he reached across and gently caught her hand, squeezing once.

It took her another long second to gain the courage to look up and need his brown eyes. The resignation she saw there made her hate herself that much more.

“How long ago?” The question was soft, and not at all what Lindsey was expecting.

She bit her lip. “We had the dream almost 4 months ago,”

A small sad smile pulled at his lips, as he caught her phrasing. “But you’ve known her for a lot longer?”

Lindsey nodded.

“We agreed we’d tell each other as soon as it happened,” He said, his voice staying gentle.

“I know, I’m sorry,” Lindsey said, suddenly finding their intertwined fingers interesting.

She didn’t have more of an explanation. Not one that would be sufficient anyway.

He sighed, running the hand not holding hers through his hair. Of course, he knew they would eventually meet their soulmates, but they had agreed to be open about it when it happened and to make those decisions together.

That plan also hadn’t included another person in as much pain as Lindsey’s soulmate clearly was. It didn’t include them knowing their soulmate before the dream.

But Lindsey did know her soulmate. Those photos had come from someone in the team, and he had a feeling he already knew exactly whose arm it was.

“It’s y/n right?”

Her eyes snapped up to meet his. “How did you…?”

He just chucked, squeezing her hand again.

“It’s the way you two look at each other,” He explained gently, remembering how he noted the closeness Lindsey and you shared, even before he had met you. The blonde was always so at ease with you, even when she wasn’t open with him. He had been surprised at first that you two weren’t soulmates looking for a third. You just… fit too perfectly to not be soulmates. “I’ve thought you were meant to be for a long time,”

“But I’m not gay,” Lindsey grumbled, crossing her arms, and Ty cracked a smile at her, shaking his head. The tension immediately dissipated from the room.

Of course, that’s what the problem was.

“There’s such a thing as bisexuality Linds,” He said as if it were obvious. “And I don’t think whatever label you pick matters when it comes to your soulmate,”

It wasn’t like you got to choose your soulmate, but that fear was still there. She hadn’t considered that she might not have to choose a label. That you weren’t asking her to. All you wanted was the acknowledgment that she felt what you did.

That’s all that you had ever wanted from her.

And she couldn’t even give you that.

But she had him. This incredible person who was actively advocating for you, even when it meant that he would lose her.

She also had you, who was willing to stand aside in agony if it meant she got to be happy.

She shook her head. It wasn’t fair to compare the two of you, but she couldn’t help it. She could never help it. She loved him, but not in the way that she loved you.

She was in love with you. She always had been.

“You’re not mad?” She asked so softly, selfishly. She didn’t want to lose him.

He shook his head, giving her hand another squeeze. “I’m disappointed you didn’t tell me sooner, but I’m not angry with you,”

More tears left Lindsey’s eyes without her permission, trailing hot paths down her cheeks, and he pulled her back into his chest. “I don’t want you to hate me,”

He sighed, holding her closer, his finger weaving into her hair and gently scratching her scalp. It was a move he knew soothed her. One he had ironically learned from you.

“I could never hate you, Linds,” He murmured the words into her hair, resting his chin on the crown of her head. “Not for this,”

Lindsey let out a wet laugh, pulling away. “Y/n does, and so do most of my teammates,”

Ty carefully brought his hands to her cheeks, using his thumbs to wipe the tears still trailing down her cheeks. “They don’t, they’re just disappointed too,”

Again she was struck by how good he was. By how mature and caring he was. By how good of a father he would make one day.

But his hands didn’t feel as soft as yours did. They didn’t make her feel as safe as yours did.

The longing she felt for you was so deep in her bones it hurt, and the pictures Kelley sent her put the ball in her court.

It was her job to make it right.

“I need to fix it,” She mumbled, sniffling slightly.

He smiled sadly again, leaning forward and placing a very sweet kiss on her forehead before pulling away and standing. “I have faith you will,”

She watched him quietly as he pulled on his shirt, packed his small bag, and slid his shoes onto his feet before he paused by the edge of the bed.

She couldn’t fight the sudden urge to reach out her fingers towards him, to be connected to him for what would most likely be the last time.

He met her halfway, tangling their fingertips together in a slow dance. “If you ever need anything just call alright?” He said, and she felt his honesty. “I’m still your guy,”

His fingers slipped from hers for the final time.

He might be her guy, but she wasn’t his girl.

Not anymore.

She was yours.

She just had to figure out how to tell you that. How to get you to forgive her?

Silence echoed around her as he softly closed the door, and for once she felt totally and completely alone.

She pulled out her phone and scrolled through contacts, looking for someone who would tell her what to do.

She paused over Tobin’s contact photo. The forward had always been close to you, and she would know what to do, even if she would be disappointed in Lindsey.

She pressed Tobin’s contact picture, holding the phone up to her ear and closing her eyes.

Tobin was the only one who knew you as well as she knew herself.

The phone rang twice before Tobin’s faint “hello” met her.

“I fucked up,”

*****

Lindsey had never felt more exhausted in her entire life, not even after she had played 120 minutes in 100-degree weather. Not after running endless drills with you in France. Not even after looking all over for you after you disappeared the night of the World Cup.

Never.

It was a fatigue that settled deep in her bones, that followed her through every movement she made. That made it impossible for her to think about anything other than you. A weariness that had nothing to do with her lack of sleep.

Her only saving grace was the warm cup of coffee. She sipped the dark liquid reverently, eyes shifting between her parents and the door every few minutes, waiting for you or Kelley, or Emily to step through the doors.

To prove that the photos she had received last night were a bad dream. A cruel prank.

But mornings after games tended to be slow, and this morning was no different. The few veterans who were in the meal room puttered about lazily, sending looks her way at odd intervals that made her feel like they knew something she didn’t know.

Like they were scolding her without words.

“Sweetie, are you ok?” Her mother’s hand caught her own, gently pulling the coffee cup from her hand.

Lindsey blinked, once, twice, three times as the words filtered through her brain.

Was she ok?

The definitive answer was no, absolutely not.

Her world was crumbling around her, and the only person to blame was herself. She had hurt her soulmate so badly that she didn’t know if she would ever forgive her, and the thought of losing you made it hard to breathe.

She didn’t know how to be without you, and now she was staring that very prospect in the face.

She let out a shaky breath, blue eyes finally finding the courage to meet her mother's gaze.

Concerned eyes she knew would turn cold and hard when she informed them of what she had done. Eyes that would surely reject her when they found out that you were a girl and not the dashing young man they had envisioned for her.

It was like there was a world between them, a chiasm that they didn’t even know existed filled with the admission that she had been lying to them for a long time. Filled with a suffocating silence and words that Lindsey needed to say.

She could hear Tobin in her head. “The first step is honesty. With yourself and everyone else,” and she knew with everything she was that the midfielder turned forward was right.

The only way to undo this mess was to be honest. To untangle each half-truth one at a time. To mend each hurt with kept promises and replace each pretend moment with reality.

The only way she was going to get you back was to confront her fear. That started with this.

“No,” Lindsey said, shaking her head minutely. “I’m not ok. I messed up really bad, and I don’t know if I can fix it,”

Her father frowned. “Is this about the game?”

“You played so well honey. Korea just had a bead on the team's offense,” Her mother added, using her free hand to grab Lindsey’s arm.

She stared at them, slightly dumbfounded at how unseeing they were. How they didn’t seem to know her at all. How they didn’t even pick up on her inner turmoil.

“No. I-“ She swallowed hard around the lump in her throat. “I had the soulmate dream,”

“Oh,” Lindsey’s mother breathed out, leaning back in her chair.

“By Ty’s lack of presence, I’m assuming it wasn’t with him?” Her father said, sipping his coffee.

She shook her head. “No,”

“Well, we’ll have to meet the young man,” He added flatly, barely looking up from his cup. “He’s part of the family now,”

“It’s not,” She took a gulping breath, before forcing the words past her lips. “My soulmate isn’t a young man,”

Her father looked up, locking eyes with her mother. They shared a long look, the kind that only soulmates having a silent conversation could before her mother gently squeezed her hand.

“Is it Y/n?”

Lindsey’s eyebrows furrowed, entirely unexpecting of her mother’s response. “Wha?… how did you?”

“Sweetie,” Her mother smiled gently at her. “The two of you have been attached at the hip since the moment you met,”

“We’ve been expecting this for a while,” Her father added gruffly.

“And you’re alright with that?” Her voice cracked over the word, and her eyes ducked away.

She knew how they felt about homosexuality. She had heard about it for her entire childhood. She didn’t want to lose them too.

“You don’t get to choose your soulmate,” Her Father said, though he didn’t sound happy about the omission, but his voice lightened. “And Y/n is exceptional,”

Her mother hummed, squeezing her hand again. “Plus Y/n always looks at you like you put the stars up in the sky, and she’s been nothing but polite to us,”

Her father nodded once, and Lindsey took that as his agreement, though he didn’t soften. “An acceptable soulmate,”

Lindsey felt the knot in her chest loosen, though she wasn’t quite sure how she felt about their assessment. She guessed acceptable and exceptional were the best she could expect from her father.

“Now,” Her father said, leaning forward in his chair, setting his coffee on the table. “You said you messed up, tell us what happened,”

She frowned at him, confused by his reaction, and his sudden interest.

“I,” The words were caught in her throat as she finally met her dad's gaze. “I hurt her because I was afraid, and now I’m not sure that I can fix it,”

“Afraid?” Her father grumbled, his eyes suddenly hard. “Of what? Y/n has never done anything to make you question her feelings,”

“Of….” Lindsey took a deep steadying breath, working through his defense of you. Of the strange protectiveness? That had overcome him, while also working through how to phrase her answer. It threw her that they weren’t upset you were her soulmate. “A lot of things. It doesn’t matter now,”

Her father hummed, crossing his arms.

It was a gesture she had seen thousands of times before. One he liked to use after he heard both sides of the story when she would fight with her brother. One he used when she told him she was going to France instead of college.

“Honey, you’re soulmates, but you’re also human,” Her mother hummed. “Give her time to process everything that’s happening, then apologize and let her come to you,”

There was a beat of silence before her father sat back in his chair.

“That girl loves you, and you love her too,” He added as if he was telling her that the defense used double pivots in transition. Like it was an undisputed fact. “You’ll figure it out,”

Lindsey swallowed hard. She knew she loved you, but it was unsettling that everyone else did too. That they all seemed to think that you would love her back after everything she had done.

“Y/n could never stay mad at you for long anyway,” Her mother chuckled, patting her hand, a stark contrast to her father's serious face. “Just go on her terms, and I’m sure she’ll be receptive to you,”

She nodded, more to herself than to them. She could do that. She could wait and do things on your terms. She was sure Kelley and Emily and probably Tobin and Christen wouldn’t settle for anything less.

A long silence stretched between them, before her father cleared his throat, grabbed his coffee, and leaned back into his chair. “Now that that’s settled, do you know who’s starting in the next game? Y/n got several very good shots off last time,”

“I um,” Lindsey shrugged, scratching the back of her neck, thinking of the photos of you in that stupid hospital bed. “I’m not sure,”

She didn’t doubt Vlatko would let you play, even injured, but it made the ache in her chest worse to think about. Jill was bad in her own way, but at least she usually stuck to doctor-recommended injury return protocols.

“Hmm,” Her father hummed, idly sipping his coffee as her mother went back to her tea. “We’ll have to just wait and see then,”

Lindsey nodded again, thinking more about you than about the game.

She would have to wait and see if you would be open to her again. To wait and see if she would ever be able to fix the damage she had caused. To wait for you to be ready.

****

“This isn’t a good idea,” Dawn muttered, carefully wrapping your signature red pre-wrap around the thick white gauze on your hand, and the plastic splint holding your palm in a fixed position. “You should be resting,”

“The field is the only place I can think clearly. It’s better if I play,” Your shoulders lifted and fell. “Does there have to be so much wrapping? It looks more like a club than a hand,”

Christen rolled her eyes at the statement.

She should have expected it with the blase attitude you had dawned since the moment she arrived, but your lack of care for your health was still rather astonishing. She couldn’t exactly blame you though, not after Kelley told her what happened.

At least the parts that the defender knew. You still wouldn’t talk about what happened in the bathroom.

“You sliced into the muscle of your palm. You’re lucky you didn’t lose the mobility in your fingers, and now you have convinced your coach to let you play not even 72 hours later,” Christen sighed, rubbing your right shoulder gently.

“Yes, the gauze has to be this thick, we don’t want any of the stitches to accidentally re-open,” Dawn explained gently.

She didn’t mention that she was adding extra to try and shield you from prying eyes. To keep the commentary teams and the media from speculating about the still gray lines extending past your elbow.

You hummed in understanding, blinking away from the women and to the small paper you had found in your locker.

It wasn’t the first note that had magically appeared, and you were sure it wouldn’t be the last.

It made you feel like you were in high school, passing notes, except you refused to pass back. You didn’t even see the point in reading them. As far as you were concerned, you and Lindsey had nothing to say to each other anyway.

But still, she kept trying.

It was weird, and you felt a little like a yo-yo being yanked back and forth. You assumed it was from pity. You didn’t want her pity.

“Did she send you another one?” Christen asked, her voice going soft.

You swallowed hard, holding the little blue paper between your fingers, avoiding the loopy pen marks it wore. “Yep,”

“Do you want me to see what it says?” She pressed carefully.

You held it out toward the forward in a familiar gesture. She had read all of the notes. “If you want,”

It was the same response you had given to all the little notes. The same… unbothered indifference.

She very slowly reached out and plucked the note from your hand, opening it and reading over the words. “Do you want to know what it says?”

“Nope,” You popped the p, pulling your hand away as Dawn tore off the pre-wrap and pressed it to your arm. “If I wanted to know, I would have read it,”

“Let me get you a pill and you can go warm up,” Dawn said, pushing herself to her feet.

“It’s mostly the same as the others,” Christen continued as if you hadn’t said you didn’t care. “She wonders if you’ve read any of the notes,”

“There have been 10 and you and Tobin have given me the gist of them all,” You muttered, accepting the small, metallic-colored pill from dawn, popping it in your mouth, and swallowing it with a sip of water.

You just didn’t see the point in reading them. Lindsey never kept her word anyway.

“Plus, it’s not like it’ll make this go away,” You waved your hand over your chest, vaguely gesturing to where you knew the deep bruise sat.

You glanced at Dawn who nodded. “The only known cure to soulmate sickness is physical contact,”

“So there’s no point,” You shrugged, pushing yourself off the table. “Am I free to go now?”

“Yes,” Dawn said. “Just take it easy, alright,”

You paused at the door. “What’s the point, I’m going to die anyway. Why not have fun first,”

Christen grimaced as the door slammed shut. “I hate it when she jokes like that,”

“I’m not sure it was a joke,” Dawn mumbled, making eye contact with the forward. “The medication will slow it down, but it can’t stop the effects entirely,”

The apathy. The emptiness in your eyes. The loss of your sunny personality.

You would lose yourself entirely, and then you would lose your life.

******

You knew the dream was coming before you fell asleep. You could feel it.

It felt like a punishment from the universe. A punishment for ignoring Lindsey’s notes. Punishment for letting Kelley, Emily, Christen, and Tobin run interference so you didn’t have to deal with her. A punishment for protecting yourself.

But it still disoriented you when your eyes flickered open.

You would never get used to the too-bright colors or the way the light blended into a too-vivid scene that felt real. A scene that made you suddenly feel right. Whole.

A scene you knew was a lie.

You glanced around the room. A long, open space with little cubbies and nameplates. It was familiar. A locker room like any other.

You didn’t feel like reading the names to see what part of your past it was from. You just didn’t… care.

You let out a long breath, shuffling back into the empty cubby and turning sideways. You tucked your knees to your chest, rested your chin on them, and closed your eyes. You were content to wait it out. To pretend.

The bench creaked beside you, but you didn’t open your eyes. You didn’t have to to know who it was. The warmth that filled your hollow chest was enough. Plus there was only one human on the planet who could crash your dreams.

Lindsey hesitantly cleared her throat, and you heard her shift beside you. “Good game,”

You hummed.

It was a good game. Very good.

You ended up with a first-half hat trick thanks to a stellar cross from Huerta and an assist from Rose. It helped that Vlatko hadn’t let you and Lindsey on the field at the same time (she came on at the half when you were subbed out).

You were sure how much of that was his doing and how much was demanded by the team and medical staff.

You had barely seen Lindsey in general, other than when she was on the bench, and you knew that was done by design. When Emily and Kelley weren’t guarding you, it seemed that one of your teammates (especially Sanchez, Trinity, and Huerta) would suddenly need something from you when Lindsey tried to approach.

It was weird and blatantly obvious, but you deeply appreciated their efforts.

Lindsey cleared her throat again, and you felt her shift closer to you. “I-… look, I’m sorry. For everything,”

You let a beat of silence pass between you, unsure if you were even going to respond. Your eyes slowly dragged open and you met tired blue. They seemed to echo the dull throb that had settled in before the game. The same hollowness that just wouldn’t go away.

A part of you wondered what everything meant.

Was she sorry for all of the nights you had shared? All of the intimate moments you had never shared with anyone else? That you would never share with anyone else.

Or maybe she was just sorry she would never care for you in the way you cared for her.

“Me too,” You said softly. The words felt heavy, laced with truth and pain and utter defeat.

Not because of the pain she had put you through, but because she regretted you.

You were sorry because you weren’t good enough.

You looked away from her burning gaze, back towards the wood of your little cubby. It felt like she was dissecting you. Like she was looking through you and straight into your thoughts.

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Lindsey said, her voice deadly serious. “This is all on me,”

“Not all of it,” You shrugged, lifting your left hand and wiggling your fingers. It was strange because you hadn’t been able to move them for the last week, and you expected the thick gauze to follow you into your dreams.

That part was all on you, no matter what your friends wanted to believe.

Lindsey sighed, and you knew she wanted to argue with you, but part of you hoped she wouldn’t. You were too tired to fight.

“How did it happen?” She asked so softly you almost missed it.

You blinked, and your eyes flickered back to hers. “What?”

Lindsey swallowed hard, her throat visibly gulping. “Kelley sent me the picture, but no one will tell me what happened,”

You frowned. You wanted to say nothing had happened. You wanted to yell and scream at Kelley, even if you knew she meant well. You wanted to admonish Lindsey for not already knowing the reason, even if it wasn’t fair.

“She shouldn’t have,”

Lindsey’s hand caught your forearm, sliding down your skin to connect your hands. “Y/n, please,”

It sent a shiver down your spine and a warmth through your veins that hadn’t been there in god knows how long.

It chipped away at the ice encasing your heart.

You blew out a long breath, ripping your eyes from her, leaning your head back so it hit the locker with a low thump, and fixing your eyes on the stupid photoshopped picture Emily had fixed on the roof of your cubby after a bad Portland practice. It was of the three of you, your heads photoshopped onto a picture of the Teenage mutant ninja turtles.

“A mirror broke,” You said slowly, forcing the words around the sudden lump in your throat. You hadn’t told anyone what happened yet, Christen and Tobin included. “And I got cut. That wasn’t your fault, no matter what Kelley wants to believe,”

Lindsey made a low sound like she knew that your explanation wasn’t the whole story like she knew you weren’t being honest,

but she didn’t push. Not like she usually would.

She sat back on the bench, and squeezed your hand once, twice, three times.

And it made you feel like you were 17 again, sitting in France holding on for dear life as your world was rocked to its core. It made you feel like you were 22, sitting in this very locker room working through your growing feelings. It made you feel safe and loved in a way that no one else could.

That thought made you sick to your stomach because you knew it wasn’t real.

The mark on your chest was proof enough of that.

But you didn’t see the harm in accepting the comfort. In letting her let you just exist. Your eyes slid closed and for the first time in weeks, you felt at peace.

Who cared if it wasn’t real? At least you weren’t in pain anymore.

“What about the bruise?” She asked after several long minutes, and you blinked back at her again, noting the way her eyebrows furrowed guiltily.

Her eyes were fixed on the little Thorns logo sitting just above your heart.

Your shoulders lifted and fell nonchalantly. “Yeah. That’s kinda on you,”

“Is it..-“ She paused, shaking her head. “Can I see it?”

Your nose scrunched. “I’d have to take my shirt off, so no. I don’t even know if it’d be in this stupid dream,”

It was too… vulnerable. Too exposed for you. Far more unprotected than you were willing to be with Lindsey.

Plus if the universe wanted her to see it, then you would have appeared in an outfit you couldn’t hide it in, not your old training uniform.

“You weren’t supposed to see it in the first place,” Yoh muttered, closing your eyes and laying your head back on the locker with a thump.

You heard Lindsey swallow hard, and you knew she wanted to argue with you. Even if you weren’t quite sure what she could argue.

But she didn’t.

Her hand squeezed yours in three slow pulses again. “Alright,”

You felt the know you didn’t know was in your chest loosen, and your shoulders relaxed as you leaned farther back into the wooden cubby.

At least you weren’t in pain, and in the quiet locker room, it was easy to let Lindsey’s soft breathing lull you into a near doze.

It reminded you of all the times you had listened to her breathing when you couldn’t sleep, or when you woke up from a nightmare. All the times it was a sign that you were safe.

Now you just supposed it was like the beeping of a life support machine. Something to prolong the inevitable.

Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if you got to feel this at ease.

*****

Camp had ended far less eventfully than it had started, and you were incredibly grateful for that.

The final morning passed with little fanfare, and you felt more rested than you had in months, and before you knew it Christen and Tobin were guiding you through the terminal towards a plane headed directly to LA.

You hadn’t seen Lindsey at all, but as you grabbed your headphones from your bag, you saw the little blue Post-it tucked just inside the zipper.

You gently grabbed the little paper, pulled out your headphones too, and shoved the bag back under your seat. You stared at it, running your fingers over the indent of your name across the folded front in Lindsey’s loopy writing.

“Are you going to read this one?” Tobin asked you, pretending that she wasn’t watching the way you were fixated on the note.

Your shoulders lifted and fell. You hadn’t decided if you were going to open it yet. “Do you know how it got into my bag?”

“Nope,” Tobin shook her head once. “I was on door duty, and Kelley and Emily were more worried that you ate,”

You nodded, your tongue poking past your lips. Christen wouldn’t have made the assist, she made her opinion clear, even after you told her about the latest dream.

You looked back down at the small note.

You hadn’t cared about them up to this point. You didn’t want to know what Lindsey had to say. You just wanted her to let you die in peace. You just wanted her to be happy and to not hurt anymore.

But she wasn’t happy.

Sitting in the Thorns locker room had also filled you with a strange sense of nostalgia. You missed how simple it was before you recognized your feelings. How easy it was to be around her and to feel safe.

You missed being her friend, intimacy be damned.

And no matter how stupid you thought the high school note-passing tactic was, you were suddenly curious if it would change those new feelings. If it would tell you why.

“Do you want me to read it?” Tobin asked, reaching for the small, blue paper.

You pulled it away. “No,”

“Ok,” She agreed easily, settling back into her seat, pretending to not watch you. “Christen put the others in the bottom of your bag if you want to read them too,”

You hummed at the offhand comment, flipping the little blue note over once more before slowly working it open.

You cracked a smile at the little sketch of a teenage mutant ninja turtle at the top, just below where it was sealed. It was Leonardo and Rafael with a small pizza slice between them.

Hey Raf,

I forgot that we used to call each other that until I saw Emily’s drawing in your old locker. I kinda miss the days of being the TMNT 3. I definitely miss you.

Chris says you don’t read my notes, and I can’t blame you. I just want you to know I choose you. I want you to know I love you.

You didn’t finish reading it.

You didn’t want to.

“What did she say?” Christen asked you gently from Tobin's other side.

“Some bullshit about her choosing me,” You shrugged again, crumbling the paper and tossing it towards her. “Was it in all the other ones too, or did you just omit it from the synopses?”

She caught it easily, flattening the paper against her thigh, frowning as she scanned over the page. “I just figured It wasn’t the main message,”

“And what was?” You grumbled. “That now that everyone knows she fucked up she suddenly wants me?”

“I think the team is more concerned with you deciding you’d rather die,” Tobin said, carefully grabbing the note and reading it after Christen was done. “But go on,”

You frowned at the pair, suddenly wondering whose side they were on.

“I don’t want her to care out of some sense of obligation or guilt,” You grit out the words. “I’m not a consolation prize,”

“No,” Christen agreed carefully. “You’re not a consolation prize to her,”

“I think Lindsey has cared for a long time,” Tobin added, catching your hand. “She was just afraid to show it,”

“Could have fucking fooled me,” You snorted. “She chooses me or whatever but she still hasn’t told her boyfriend that I’m her soulmate,”

Tobin paused, sending a look over her shoulder to Christen. You frowned.

“What aren’t you telling me?”

Tobin blew out a long breath. “Lindsey called me the night you broke your hand. We thought she told you,”

Your eyes widened.

Lindsey called them. Lindsey talked to them. They talked to her.

“What did she want?” The words forced themselves through your grit teeth, misplaced anger rushing through you and flushing your cheeks.

“Take a deep breath,” Christen said, her voice as calming as you had ever heard it. The same voice she had used each time your unstable emotions threatened to overtake you.

They were yet another growing symptom of soulmate sickness.

“I don’t want to,” You bit back. “Tell me,”

Tobin held her hands up in defense. “Most of it isn’t my story to tell,”

You sucked in a deep breath through your nose, blowing it slowly out of your mouth, feeling your anger bleed out with it. “But?”

“Lindsey is trying. She just doesn’t know where to start,” Tobin said very slowly, choosing her words carefully.

“I will not be her second choice,” You muttered, picking at the gauze still wrapped tightly around your hand. “you’re supposed to be on my side,”

“We are on your side. The side of you living long enough to go to your third World Cup and win,” Christen said, reaching across Tobin to catch your hand and prevent you from unraveling the bandage. “And we’re not telling you to forgive her,”

You blew out another breath. “Then what are you telling me?”

“You don’t have to forgive Lindsey,” Tobin said. “I’m not even saying you have to entertain the idea. All I mean is that you’re tied for life, and when you’re ready, she has a lot of making up to do. When you’re ready, it’s on her to fix it. She knows it, and is willing to do it.”

“Hence the stupid fucking notes?” You asked softly, your eyebrows furrowing. The notes were such a Lindsey thing to do. A way to see how open you were to her without pushing. A way to let you come to her.

“Hence the notes,” Tobin nodded. “She didn’t know where to start,”

You closed your eyes tightly, leaning back in your seat. “I wish Kelley hadn’t sent her that fucking picture. Then she still wouldn’t care,”

“Kelley sent it because she is insanely protective,” Christen explained as if it was obvious. “You were hurting and she wanted the person responsible to know,”

“You’re like her little sister,” Tobin added unhelpfully.

You shook your head. “It’s not Lindsey’s fault I hurt my hand, and I wish everyone would fucking see that,”

“Then who’s fault was it?” Christen pressed, keeping her voice gentle.

You let out a breath, counting to 10 in your head, trying to still the sudden rush of thoughts and emotions that came from the simple question.

The truth was that punching that mirror was all on you. It was your inability to regulate your emotions. Your inability to accept the truth. Your inability to be enough.

You were frustrated that Kelley had shown Lindsey the aftermath, and even more annoyed that it suddenly changed the way Lindsey felt.

She shouldn’t be guilted into loving you.

You weren’t worthy of it, no matter how much admitting it made the place on your chest throb.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” You said, your voice rough with the unspoken tsunami of emotions in your chest, your uninjured hand rubbing idly at the spot right above your heart.

“You never want to talk about it,” Christen said, her voice edging in desperation.

You sighed, peeling your eyes open to meet her green. “Lindsey deserves to be happy,”

The defeat in your voice shocked even you as it reached your ears, and the pure honesty made the sludge in your stomach rock.

Tobin used a hand to catch your chin, forcing you to look at her. “And what about you? Don’t you deserve happiness too?”

You shook your head, pressing your lips into a thin line. “I don’t matter,”

You slipped your headphones over your ears before they could push the issue before they could make you unpack that feeling, and stared out the window.

“I’ve never mattered,”

****

You bit the inside of your lip, glaring at the colorful painting that sat on your therapist's wall, picking at the edge of the gauze on your hand.

There was less of it now, making it look more like a hand than a club, but the stitches were still sensitive enough that you couldn’t go without it.

“I don’t understand your question,” You muttered, your eyes tracing across the red sunset in the painting, refusing to look at her.

It was a bad habit you had picked up in the three weeks you had been seeing her. It was easier to talk to her when you didn’t have to look at her, not that you had done much talking anyway.

“You’ve told me a lot of wonderful things about Lindsey. You’ve told me about the incredible intimacy that the two of you share. I wanted to know who initiated it,” Clarke said, and you could feel her watching you.

You frowned. “Like who kissed who first?”

It felt like one of those stupid media fan questions. Like the ones you had gotten on Twitter after the game, demanding to know how you hurt your hand and asking for your opinion on the fan theories the whole ordeal had created.

It wasn’t like the normal probing questions Clarke asked you.

She hummed, shrugging her shoulders. “Is that when you think the emotional intimacy between you started?”

You bit your lip at the question. You and Lindsey had been linked far before you kissed.

“No,” You said, dragging your eyes to meet hers. “That was pretty instant,”

You remembered being taken with Lindsey from the first moment you saw her, even though she had ripped all of the laces out of her shoe on a stupid escalator. It was mid-morning when her and her mother arrived at the apartment, and you were so anxious you couldn’t get words past your lips.

You had waved at her instead, and you were pretty sure she thought you were entirely unable to talk for the first two weeks you had known her.

“Tell me about it?” Clarke asked very gently, noting the faraway look in your eyes in her notes.

It was the look you always got when you talked about Lindsey, even if all you told her in your discussions were good things.

“I…” You paused, biting your lips, trying to think of the moment that you and Lindsey became inseparable. It had to have been after your first hard practice. “It was like two weeks after she moved into the apartment. We were watching Disney movies in French to try and learn the language,”

It was a semi-truth. You had performed horribly on the field and wanted a distraction. All that was on was the lion king and it was extra money to watch it in English. She walked into your soft sniffles and sat down next to you out of obligation.

Lindsey felt bad for you. She always pitied you. It was why she sat next to you on the couch that night.

“And it progressed from there?” Clarke pressed, leaning forward.

“Yeah, we just kinda clicked,” You hummed, scratching the back of your neck with your good hand. It was more than that. That night, she made you smile and you made her laugh. It was the spark of your entire relationship, and it only got stronger when the pressure from the coaches increased. “And then with all the stuff that was happening…”

Clarke nodded understandingly and it made you feel like she could hear the thoughts racing through your head. “Trauma has a way of bonding people,”

“Yeah,” You nodded, scratching the gray lines on your neck a little harder. When things continued to get worse, you and Lindsey found comfort in each other. She was the only one who made you feel safe. “We started sharing a bed because I was having nightmares. It was comforting to have her there,”

“She made you feel safe,” Clarke supplied easily.

“Always,” You agreed. It didn’t matter what was happening at practice, when you were together, you knew it would all be ok. “It was like she was shielding me from all the bullshit. Our bed was our safe place,”

“Is that why you kissed for the first time?”

Your eyebrows furrowed.

The truth was that the first kiss you shared was… blurry.

“No,” You said slowly. “That didn’t happen for a while,”

Clarke hummed. “Who initiated?”

“I…-,” Your eyebrows furrowed. You remembered laying on too-fancy sheets, sharing a bowl of unsalted popcorn. You remembered the sunset peeking through the window and soft laughter. You remember leaning against her strong frame, and her hand running through your hair. You remembered the taste of her lips and the way you moved together, but you didn’t know who leaned in first. “I can’t remember actually,”

Admitting it made your heart race, and your chest ache. How could you not remember such a fundamental moment in your relationship?

“That’s ok,” Charlie said, reaching out and placing a steadying hand on your knee. “How about we talk about something else for a bit,”

You swallowed hard, dropping the hand on your neck and going back to picking at the edge of the gauze on your hand. “Ok,”

“Let’s talk about the night you broke the mirror,”

Your back instantly straightened. “What about that night?”

It came out more harshly than you intended. Colder. Guarded.

You hadn’t even told Tobin and Christen about that night yet, despite their prying.

“Well, we haven’t discussed it yet,” Clarke said carefully. “And it’s the reason you have to see me 3 times a week for the next month,”

“What do you want to know?” You sighed, leaning forward.

Being honest was the only way to not have to see Clarke. The only way for her to sign the papers that would get rid of the Minute limit that had been placed on you.

“How did the mirror break?” Clarke asked you softly.

You bit your lip, picking the edge of the gauze with a little more vigor. “I punched it,”

It pained you to say the words out loud and had blood rushing to your cheeks.

“With the intention of hurting yourself?”

You blinked up at Clarke’s question. The same question they asked you in the hospital.

“No,” You said sternly, shaking your head once. “I just… needed the sound in my head to stop,”

“What kind of sound?”

You squinted at the probing question. The answer was just so difficult to put into words. It was difficult for you to even wrap your head around it.

There was so much noise constantly surrounding you, and it had all been too much. You wanted Lindsey to stop, and your family to stop. You just wanted everything to… stop.

“My thoughts,” You mumbled, catching the edge of the gauze and pulling just a bit too tight. “I was spiraling and I couldn’t get them to stop. I just wanted it to be quiet so I could breathe,”

Clarke nodded, jotting more notes down in her little book. “You were having a panic attack,”

“I guess,” Your shoulders lifted and fell and your eyes returned to the stupid painting in her corner. You weren’t sure if it was panic, or if it was an outward manifestation of your disgust in yourself.

“Alright,” She said finally as the little timer on the table went off. “I have some homework for you that I think will be helpful before our next session…-“

You tuned out her words, focusing instead on the place in the picture where the orange sunset met the deep black of the sea. Where they swirled together.

You wished you were there instead of here.

******

You knew the dream was coming. The universe had been kind, allowing you to ignore your soulmate for 5 weeks. You knew it couldn’t last forever, especially after Clarke’s homework.

The only way for you to complete it was to talk to her, and you fucking refused to respond via note.

You sighed, pressing your face further into the soft down pillow beneath your head, your hand closing around too-fancy sheets. They were cool to the touch, something that never happened in real life.

You felt eyes on the side of your face, tracing the little scar that existed by your eye (from an unfortunate encounter with a Spanish defender when you were 17), down your cheek, and sweeping across your nose to your lips.

It was familiar. A scene that had played hundreds of times.

But it no longer filled you with the warm fuzzy feeling it used to, even if the ache in your chest dulled.

“It’s rude to stare,” You mumbled, reluctantly forcing your eyes open to look at Lindsey.

Lindsey smirked, her dimples showing. “Some people consider it rude not to stare at a masterpiece,”

You rolled your eyes, pushing yourself to sit up. “That line was played out the first time you used it,”

It was familiar in a way that had butterflies flying in your stomach, and unease settling firmly on your chest.

Linsey chuckled. “It still made you blush back then”

You shrugged, running your hand through your hair, noting that you weren’t wearing the brace and gauze that had become part of your wardrobe. You wiggled your fingers experimentally in front of your face, and you could feel Lindsey watching them too.

“This is where it started,” She said softly, and your eyes snapped toward her.

“Kinda,”

Lindsey’s eyebrows furrowed. “What do you mean?”

You shrugged, dragging your eyes back toward your hand. It was easier to admit things when you didn’t have to look at the person you were talking to. It was easier to follow Clarke’s advice and be honest.

“An equipment closet in Paris is where this phase of our relationship kicked off,”

You said the words softly, but they felt heavy. It was like a rock splashing into a pond, leaving only ripples in its wake.

You expected Lindsey to argue with you. To say that the night of the World Cup wasn’t where this whole thing started. That this room was the place where you shared most of your firsts. Your first feelings, your first kiss, your first…time.

But in that closet, she handed you your first heartbreak, and you weren’t sure you had ever even begun to piece back the little shards of your heart.

She swallowed hard. “I wish that night ended differently. I wish I responded differently. I’ll never be able to tell you how sorry I am. I should have held you tighter, instead of pushing you away,”

It surprised you that she didn’t try to deny it, and you tried to smother the warm feeling that started to bloom in your chest. All you ever wanted was for her to acknowledge what the two of you shared.

“You won’t even acknowledge we’re soulmates,” You countered, none of the fire you expected in your voice. You just sounded… defeated.

Lindsey frowned, her eyebrows furrowing. “They didn’t tell you?”

“Tell me what?” You asked.

It irritated you that everyone knew things that you didn’t know. It irritated you that they were talking about you without you there.

“I broke up with Ty. I told him and my parents,”

“Oh,” You breathed out.

“I’m not telling you to get you to forgive me. I just thought you should know,” She said too quickly as if she was afraid she would break the tenuous truce between you.

Silence stretched between you as you digested the information. Digesting that Tobin and Christen already knew. Digesting that Lindsey really had chosen you.

You could hear Clarke’s voice in your head, reminding you of the homework she had assigned. The homework to talk about your feelings.

“You know, it used to make me feel special that you didn’t want other people to know,” You said slowly, and you could feel Lindsey’s eyes on your face. “Then it just made me feel dirty,”

She reached out and caught your arm. “I’m sorry,”

You felt it in your bones. Her honesty, her… desperation for you to believe her.

You did believe her, but you didn’t want her apology. “You keep saying that,”

“You deserve so much more than what I gave you,” She said, her voice barely above a whisper, her anguish cracking your heart.

You shook your head. “I don’t need your pity, Lindsey. You don’t have to do this because you’re guilty,”

She frowned. “Guilty?”

You chuckled. “That’s what our relationship is based on isn’t it?”

She only told them because she had to. Because she felt bad. Because Kelley had exposed Lindsey’s impact on you.

“Absolutely not!” Lindsey exclaimed, wiggling your arm, trying to get you to look at her.

“It is though,” You pressed out, despite the bitter taste of the words on your tongue. “You never would have been my friend if you didn’t walk in on me crying,”

She never would have been your friend if she didn’t feel some… obligation to not leave you alone that first night. She felt sorry for you because you were incapable of making friends with anyone else on the French squad.

“Y/n,” She said more softly, shifting over and ducking so you had to look at her. “I had been working up the courage to talk to you since I moved in,”

Her eyes burned into yours, and her honesty sent shivers down your spine.

“It was never because you felt bad for me?” You asked again.

“No,”

You nodded, your mind flying to try and catch up with the admission. With the knowledge that maybe she had wanted you as long as you wanted her. Maybe this wasn’t just her response to pity and guilt.

Maybe she could help you with your therapy homework after all.

“Did you kiss me first, or did I kiss you?” You suddenly asked the question.

The tension between you dissipated instantly, and Lindsey’s laugh was like bells, drawing a smile to your features.

Lindsey’s head tilted. “You can’t remember?”

You shook your head once. “No, and I hate that I can’t,”

A small smile played across her lips. “I guess it kinda makes sense. It’s a trick question,”

Your eyebrows furrowed as your mind thought back to that night.

You could practically feel the indent of her hand as it rested on your waist, holding you steady. You could feel her soft breaths puffing onto your lips. You could smell her perfume, mixed with something just so… Lindsey.

You remembered your eyes meeting hers, and how the blue was just a sliver around her dilated pupils. You remembered them getting closer like you were magnets drawn together.

“We leaned in at the same time,”

“We did,” She agreed, watching as you leaned back into the pillows. “So technically it was mutual,”

You hummed, running a hand through your hair, accidentally flashing the dark mark that had crept back up your shoulder as your shirt shifted. You felt her eyes boring into it immediately.

“Can I,” She paused, clearing her throat. “Can I see the mark?”

You tensed immediately, and you pulled away from her, your shoulders curling in on themselves. “You’ve already seen it,”

She sat before you frozen, her hand hanging in the air like she was still holding on to you and flipped it over, and held it out to you. “Y/n, please?”

You stared at it with untrusting eyes.

Talking to Lindsey was one thing, but showing her the damage she caused was another.

But then again, didn’t she have the right to see it? That was Kelley’s defense after all.

You let out a long breath, sending her a very stiff nod. It took you another second to gather the courage to pull your shirt over your head.

Lindsey gasped as soon as the dark mark on your chest and the spider web of veins that sprouted from it was on display, but she didn’t move. Her eyes didn’t even roam the newly visible skin.

She was doing this at your pace, you realized.

“You can look,” You said, your voice shaking slightly.

Lindsey swallowed and very slowly brought her eyes up to gaze at your chest. Her eyes felt heavy, but they didn’t make you feel uncomfortable. You didn’t feel objectified, but you never had with her.

“Can I,” She cleared her throat. “Can I touch it? They say that helps?”

You blinked at her, once, twice, before you slowly nodded.

It was something Clarke had suggested. She said physical contact in dreams was a good way to start, especially if you weren’t averse to Lindsey’s touch.

The problem you saw was that you were the complete opposite. You were addicted to the way her skin felt on yours and the instant sense of safety it brought you.

Lindsey wasn’t safe anymore, and you needed to remember that.

She moved slowly as she brought her hand to your chest like you were a frightened animal she was afraid would snap at her.

You sucked in a sharp breath when her fingers gently landed on the deep purple skin right above your heart, and tingles sprouted from the place the two of you met.

It made your chest burn, like a flame blasting away at the ice that had coated your veins.

It was better than a hug, and you could practically feel your worry and pain being sucked from your chest.

“Does it-…” You cleared your throat, your cheeks turning red. “Do you feel it too?”

Lindsey frowned, and you rolled your eyes. “Do you feel the ache too?”

“I do,” She bit her lip and nodded. She let her fingers wander up your chest, tracing the thick black line that extended to your neck.“But I doubt it’s anywhere close to what you feel. I never meant to cause you pain,”

You hissed when she pressed into the line slightly too hard, in the place Kelley always did. “Then why did you?”

She paused, slowly dragging her hand down across your shoulder and down your arm, following the web of lines.

“I was afraid, and that made me selfish,”

“Of?” You pressed, catching her hand.

Her eyes blinked up to meet yours, and you saw something you didn’t often see. Insecurity. “My family, the media, myself,”

Your lips pressed into a thin line. You could understand fear. She used Ty and the word “friendship” as a shield. You had just been an inadvertent casualty.

That didn’t change overnight. It also didn’t make it ok, but it was nice to understand.

“We would have gotten through it,” You said, your voice barely above a whisper. “Together,”

You would have done anything for her. You still would. You were willing to die so she could be happy after all.

“We’ll get through this too,” She squeezed your hand three times slowly. “I’ll do whatever I have to make it up to you,”

“No more notes. We’re not in high school,” You cracked a small smile leaning back into the pillows. “Just text me instead,”

“I can do that,” She agreed, squeezing your hand again, and you believed her.

*****

You knew physical contact was supposed to help with the symptoms of soulmate sickness, you just never really thought about how much it would help.

You felt like you were walking on air. Like the weight in your chest had eased, even slightly. Even smiling didn’t take as much effort as it had for the last several weeks.

Maybe that was why Freya had let you help the goalies practice (fucking finally), and even join in on the last few minutes of the scrimmage that ended practice.

You just felt… good. (But you were loath to admit it was mostly because of the dream you shared with Lindsey).

You expected that was what Freya wanted to talk to you about as practice came to a close. You hadn’t expected her to instead lay out a plan that put your physical and mental health at the forefront of the team. You hadn’t expected her to care.

Shock followed you to the locker room, as you sat down heavily in front of your locker.

“You good?” Tobin asked, settling beside you as you untied your cleats. It was so much easier now that you didn’t have to have the plastic splint under the gauze still wrapping your hand.

“Hmm,” You hummed, pulling out your shin guards and sticking them inside your cleats.

Tobin waited for you to continue, sharing a look with Christen and raising her eyebrow when you did not.

“What was that about?” Christen prompted gently.

You blew out a breath, “Freya is excusing me from the game. I have to be in Portland but I don’t have to go to the stadium,”

Christen settled down on your other side. “And how do you feel about that?”

You shrugged. “I’m not cleared to play, so I’m not surprised,”

You could feel them watching you, but you stared at your cleats.

“That doesn’t answer the question kid,” Tobin pressed, her hand leaning heavily on your shoulder, her thumb barely brushing the little scar that had replaced part of the black line that used to extend up your neck. “How do you feel?”

“It’s not good to bottle it all up,” Christen added gently.

Your good hand clenched on your thigh. You didn’t want to talk about how you felt. It would make you think about Lindsey and how irritating it was that her just touching you in a dream was enough to have the dark marks retreating. It was irritating that she was texting you now like things were normal.

“I don’t bottle,” You grit out.

“You do though,” Tobin said, squeezing your shoulder.

“You hide all your feelings away to not distract us, or to protect us and it gets so bad that you finally explode,” Christen added, much more softly, carefully uncurling your fingers from your leg and pressing your hand flat. “Look where it’s gotten you,”

“This wasn’t from bottling,” You muttered, finally dragging your eyes up to meet theirs. “I just wanted everything to stop,”

“And punching a mirror and a wall over and over again helped with that?” Tobin quirked an eyebrow up at you.

You swallowed hard and looked away. “Sometimes physical pain is better, more tangible than what’s going on in my head. But this is different,”

“You don’t know what you want to do?” Tobin asked.

You shook your head once, biting your lip. “No,”

“You’ll probably get to hang out in one of the boxes if you go,” Christen reasoned, weaving your fingers together, her other hand rubbing smooth circles into your back. You leaned into the familiar comfort, biting the inside of your cheek.

“Mark will probably have Lindsey on the field for the whole game,” You agreed, suddenly finding your socks interesting. “And she’s already texting me about coffee and stuff,”

Christen and Tobin shared another long look behind your back.

“How do you feel about that?” Christen asked you gently, and you wanted to roll your eyes at the repeated question. She was so much like Clarke in that way.

You shrugged again. “It’s just weird,”

“What? Being back in the friend zone? Or dancing the line between the two again?” Tobin snorted, and you sent her a sideways glance.

“Her being nice to me,” you grumbled, pulling on your sweats and throwing your training gear into your bag. “I’m not sure if she’s being honest or not,”

“And you’re not sure if you want to find out?” Christen finished your thought for you as if she was reading your mind, ignoring Tobin.

You nodded. “It’s different in dreams, and I’m not ready to do it in real life yet,”

Frankly, you were just happy that the paper notes had stopped.

But the rest was more… complicated.

Everything in the dreams felt real. It felt right. You felt safe. But you knew you weren’t.

You were just waiting for her to turn on you again. Or for her to suggest you go back to the way things were before. You didn’t want to be a dirty little secret again.

So far, you had taken several small steps, each one talked out in detail with Clarke.

You weren’t ready to see Lindsey in person. Or to be back in Portland. Your soul was still healing, but unlike your hands, the thick stitches you had used to pull yourself back together weren’t as healed.

But you didn’t really have a choice in one.

“Being back in Portland will be a lot,” Tobin said, and you blinked at the sheer understanding you heard there.

“I know,” You muttered, running a hand through your hair. “I think being inside providence park will be too overwhelming,”

“So you’re just going to hang out at the hotel?” Christen asked, her eyebrows furrowed.

Neither she nor Tobin liked the idea of you being alone. Not after everything that had happened. Especially when you would be in a city that meant so much to the two of you.

Your shoulder lifted and fell for a third time. “Yeah, probably,”

Bailey would most likely set up a PT appointment for you or something, and then you would take notes on the game. You would avoid windows and reminders of where you were, and you would take solace in the genericness of the hotel. You would pretend you were in some other City somewhere.

You bit the inside of your cheek. “I’m not going to mention it to Lindsey yet…”

A part of you didn’t want to give her a chance to talk you into it, and a part of you wanted to throw her slightly off-kilter to see how she would respond. To see if she would reject you.

Christen and Tobin shared another look.

“Whatever you want to do kid,” Tobin agreed, though you could tell she wasn’t entirely sold on your plan, and Christen squeezed your hand.

You needed to take little steps. And that’s exactly what you would do.

******

Your nose scrunched as you came into consciousness.

You dragged your eyes open, immediately noting the clay-colored rocks across from you, and that you were leaning against a boulder the size of a car. You glanced around, seeing the tips of mountains beyond the slight narrowing of the trail, and you assumed a lookout lay beyond the gorge you had woken up in.

You let out a long sigh, pressing back into the smooth stone. It wasn’t warm, despite the sun on your face, and you wondered if that was a product of the fan on the airplane blowing on your face. You wondered if it was enough to create the artificial breeze dancing through your hair and across your cheeks.

It was strange that you and Lindsey always met in dreams while you were flying.

You took another deep breath, before pushing yourself to your feet.

Your eyebrows furrowed as hiking boots you didn’t own crunched against the trail, and your hand trailed against smooth, cool stones uninhibited by the bandage that had been a mainstay in your wardrobe since the incident nearly 6 weeks ago.

This had to be Lindsey’s dream.

You shook your head and slowly made your way through the crevice. You had to turn sideways to make it through the almost too-small crack in the rock to get to the open space just beyond.

The sight that met you was enough to take your breath away.

The gorge opened into a small clearing that ended in a cliff.

Mountains stretched out past the little cliff’s edge, nearly disappearing in the too-blue sky. You could see the ocean just beyond the farthest mountain peak, and if you squinted, you were sure you could spot a boat.

And there, seated on the edge of the cliff was Lindsey. She was the most beautiful sight of all.

Blind hair blowing slightly in the wind, her small tank top showing off her strong arms.

It was painful how gorgeous she was.

But Clarke said it was good to let yourself feel those feelings. That it was good for you to recognize and acknowledge your attraction to her, even if it made you feel conflicted.

You shook your head, and very slowly made your way towards her.

“So this is what you’re always talking about huh?” You asked, settling down beside her, your legs hanging over the edge.

You felt her shift next to you, but you didn’t turn away from the view.

“Makes it worth it, right?” She countered, and you could hear the roughness in her voice, but you could also feel her smirk.

You hated hiking and refused to go on almost all of her outings (the sunrise hike in Hawaii didn’t count, especially with the kiss you had received in the early morning sun), but she always told you that the effort was with it because of the view you got to see. You still weren’t convinced.

Just like you weren’t convinced that all the work with Lindsey would turn out in the end. But Tobin has once felt the same way about Christen, and they turned out ok.

You shrugged. “I’m not sure. I’d have to know how many miles away the car is first,”

“I think it was like 4 and a half miles?” She scratched the back of her neck, and you felt her eyes on your face.

“Hmm,” You hummed, cracking a smile. “Way too many for me,”

“You run like 8 in a game and more during practice,” Lindsey chuckled, nudging your shoulder gently.

“But that’s different,” You rolled your eyes, but couldn’t help but chuckle with her. “It’s a goal-directed activity,”

She raised an eyebrow at you, her dimples showing, but she didn’t argue with you.

She scooted closer to you and in another world you would have laid your head on her shoulder, but you didn’t. You couldn’t allow yourself to get too comfortable.

“Are you on the flight?” Lindsey asked you, breaking the short silence that settled between you.

“Yeah,” You nodded, your eyebrows furrowing. You knew that the flight was early, but you hadn't expected her to be asleep. Not when Mark was obsessed with morning practices. “Doesn’t your practice start soon?”

“I have no clue,” She muttered, rubbing the back of her neck again. “But we can grab coffee after it ends? Your flight should get to Portland and you should have time to get unpacked and stuff,”

“You probably want to go to Dutch Bros,” You said teasingly.

“No,” She said instantly, smirking. “Grounded NW has grown on me,”

Your eyes widened at the name of your favorite coffee shop near the stadium. “You said you hated them,”

“It’s grown on me,” She shrugged, and you swore you saw a small blush crawling up her cheeks. “And it reminds me of you,”

You felt heat bleed into your cheeks. “You said you didn’t like their oat milk,”

“No. I didn’t like the barista flirting with you,” Lindsey explained, catching your hand. “Tyler doesn’t work there anymore,”

You frowned. You remembered the tall boy and his twitchy nature. You remembered his asking too many questions as he took your order. You didn’t remember flirting though… then again you had been with Lindsey. You rarely paid attention to other things when she was with you.

The last time you had been there, he wanted to know all about your upcoming game. Lindsey hadn’t liked that. She practically dragged you out of the small shop after he got a little too close when he passed you your drink.

“You were jealous?” You asked.

She bit her lip. “Of course I was jealous. People hit on you all the time, and you weren’t mine.”

“That wasn’t my fault,” You countered immediately, but she was already nodding.

“No, it was mine,” Lindsey agreed. “But that didn’t make it easier,”

It was nice to know that she shared the feelings you did. That she had wanted you.

At least it made sense why she hated your favorite coffee shop now.

“Is that why you ordered the most complicated drink I’ve ever heard?” You asked, your eyebrows furrowing.

It was strange how she always ordered some crazy iced coffee thing when you went there with her instead of her normal oat milk late.

“Yeah,” She said sheepishly, the red in her cheeks traveling up towards her ears. “It was Emily’s idea really, but it kept him busy any time we went there,”

You snorted. “I thought that was why he was always glaring at you,”

“You get stuck in your head,” Lindsey shrugged again.

You shrugged too, settling into silence. It was a true statement after all. You spent a good portion of your life trapped in your head, oblivious to the world around you.

“So coffee after practice?” She asked suddenly.

You nodded, looking away. You wouldn’t outright lie, but you wouldn’t be completely honest either.

“Cool,” She smiled widely at you, and you noticed the edges of the cliff turning slightly blurry. “See you in Portland,”

“Yeah,” You said as she faded before you and the dream came to a close.

*****

Lindsey was very confused.

She thought that you were making progress. The two of you were cordial in dreams, and it felt like it used to feel when she was with you. You were willingly texting with her. You weren’t avoiding her anymore.

It was easy to be with you. And the two of you were working your way towards being friends again.

At least she thought that.

But now she wasn’t sure. Not with you not even being on the roster for practice, much less the game.

“Freya excused her,” Tobin shrugged, trying to push past Lindsey towards the field.

It was like a pin popping the balloon in her chest. The little pocket of happiness she had been operating in was gone in an instant.

You had just seen her. Why didn’t you tell her? Why did you agree to coffee if you never intended on going?

Lindsey caught her arm. “But she’s ok? She’s not hurt?”

“Yeah,” Tobin said dismissively, trying to pull her arm out of Lindsey’s grip. “She’s not cleared for the game and is bored of being the goalie’s kicker,”

Lindsey’s eyebrows furrowed. Players who couldn’t play usually didn’t travel with the team. “But she said she was on the plane?”

“She’s doing PT at the hotel,” Christen cut in, appearing behind Tobin’s shoulder. Lindsey noted the sudden stiffness in the midfielder turned forwards form and the worry in Christen’s eyes.

And suddenly Lindsey understood. They didn’t want to leave you alone. They didn’t trust that you wouldn’t do something stupid.

“Maybe we should get out of the tunnel,” Christen said, gesturing toward the now-empty LA locker room. Lindsey nodded and allowed them to guide her into the room and towards the bench.

She dutifully sat down and began wringing her hands together. “She didn’t want to see me, right?”

She couldn’t help the hurt that colored her tone. She didn’t expect you to outright lie to her.

“Not exactly,” Christen said as the door closed behind them.

“She isn’t cleared to play,” Tobin explained, settling down beside her. “Even if the dreams are helping the marks on her chest,”

“I didn’t know she wasn’t cleared. She didn’t tell me it was that bad,” Lindsey grumbled, looking away from the pair, and the eyes starting to watch them now that they were blocking the door to the locker room.

Christen’s hand was gentle against her shoulder, and her words were even softer. “Lindsey, when has she ever?”

The midfielder blew out a long breath.

Christen was right. You were more apt to suffer in silence than burden one of them. But you told her that you were in pain. You showed her and she still ignored it. She ignored every warning sign and stomped over you like you didn’t matter.

And suddenly, the strange ending to your shared dream made sense. As did the way you talked around going to coffee with her in your texts.

You were trying to protect yourself from getting hurt by her recklessness again.

She swallowed hard, looking away from Christen. “But the mark on her chest has been better?”

She needed to know that she was at least helping in some way to repair the damage she had caused.

“It’s fading slowly,” Tobin said, leaning a warm, grounding hand on her back. “She's irritated because the med staff won’t clear her until the stitches come out,”

“And Clarke won’t clear her until she talks about her emotions,” Christen added, her voice even.

“So seeing me was too much?” Lindsey said, more pained than she intended, running a hand through her hair. “But we’ve been fine in the dreams,”

Christen settled beside her, and gently took her hand. “The two of you were ok in a dream before, and then she got hurt again,”

“Plus she literally plans out what to say to you in those dreams,” Tobin snorted, shaking her head. “It's most of what she and her therapist talk about,”

“So real life was too? What, real?” Lindsey muttered bitterly.

Tobin sighed, squeezing her shoulder again. “It brings up too many emotions and being here is already hard for her,”

“But we were finally interacting like we did before,” Lindsey ran another hand through her hair, dragging it down her face. “Things were finally back to the way they were before,”

Christen’s eyes tightened like she was choosing her next words carefully. “Have you considered that going back to the way things were before might be slightly overwhelming for her?”

Lindsey let the words sink in, but she didn’t understand them.

“Why? All I did was ask her for coffee. It was a friendly date,”

She felt more than she saw Christen and Tobin share a long look.

“You didn’t call it a date,” Christen said softly, and Lindsey felt her shoulders sink. “And the two of you were never just friends,”

Of course that was the crux of the issue. You told her it would be.

You didn’t want to be a dirty secret. You wanted her to acknowledge what was between you, and not just in the dreams.

But you weren’t more than friends. Yet.

“We were friends who occasionally slept together,”

The words felt clinical on her tongue.

“Psh occasionally,” Tobin snorted, ignoring Christen’s glare.

“A relationship is about more than sex Lindsey,” The striker said sharply, leaving no room for argument. “You two have been emotionally intimate for a very long time. You were intimate even before you started sleeping together,”

“We weren’t,” Lindsey protested, but Tobin squeezed her shoulder, stopping her before she could deny you yet again.

“You were,” The midfielder turned striker said softly, “The only reason I could move into the apartment in France was because you two had been sharing a bed for months,”

Lindsey groaned. “We weren’t sleeping together yet though,”

“No,” Christen agreed. “But emotionally, you were far closer than friends are. You were basically dating without a label. You went to restaurants and places alone just so you could spend time together. You held each other during sleep and cuddled every chance you got. You washed each other's hair, and You didn’t keep any secrets. The list goes on,”

“It felt like your entire world was falling apart when she left, right?” Tobin added, watching as recognition flashed through her blue eyes. “That feeling doesn’t come from just being friends. Each time you deny that, you deny her,”

It felt like a knife in Lindsey’s chest, slowly deflating her.

The two of you had done all of those things. You moved with and around each other like you were one person. Like you belonged. And when the elevator door shut on your face, she had never felt so much pain in her entire life. It was like cracks were rippling through her entire being. She didn’t know how to be without you. How to cope.

And it solidified how much she did not know how to fix this. It was a minefield of hurt she didn’t know how to navigate.

“I know that,” Lindsey muttered, running a frustrated hand through her hair. “That’s not what I mean,”

“But that’s what Y/n hears. It’s what she’s always heard,” Christen said, her words heavy. A sense of finality in her tone.

It made Lindsey’s chest ache because you had told her that too. She knew you felt dirty. Used. Dispensable to her, even if you weren’t.

“I know,” She murmured, dragging her hand from her hair and down her face. “I just…-“

She paused, digging her palm into her eye, and Tobin and Christen waited for her to get her thought out.

“How am I supposed to fix it if she won’t even come see me,”

The, in reality, was implied.

Christen sighed, reaching out to take Lindsey’s hand and carefully pull it from her face. The midfielder met her eyes with burning blue. “We know she hated the notes, but maybe a coffee delivery will be different,”

“And a “date of sorts,” Tobin added, her lips pulling into a half smile. “Facetime has a screen share feature so you can both watch the game,”

Lindsey nodded seriously, her face morphing into the one it did when she was watching film. Focused and intent. You didn’t want to see her in person, but a Facetime date would mean that she technically wasn’t.

“I can handle that,” Lindsey hummed, pushing herself to her feet, motivated now that she had a solid plan.

“Hey Linds,”

“Yeah?” She asked, pausing by the door and turning to look at them.

“If you hurt her again, we won’t stop Kelley this time,” Christen said seriously.

“I know,” She nodded. “Sonnett said the same thing. I’m not going to hurt her,”

******

It was decidedly strange being left alone.

You had been surrounded by people since the incident, whether it was Tobin and Christen or your new teammates doing their best to be there for you (even if they had no clue what was going on).

You understood it, and deeply appreciated their efforts to protect you (even from yourself), but as you sat on your hotel room bed, adamantly not looking out the window at the view, you realized how much you had missed solitude.

It was something you talked about with Clarke during the team's morning walk-through.

It felt like the first time in a long time that you had space to just think. To process what it felt like to be back in a city that meant so very much to you.

The hotel room was generic enough that you could pretend you were in a different place, even if that didn’t follow Clarke’s advice. Even if you weren’t sure you wanted to pretend anymore.

You understood that avoiding Lindsey and Portland wouldn’t fix anything.

But you were afraid.

Lindsey had always made logic go out the window. She made you feel things in your chest and your stomach that made your brain want to believe her. It made you want to set aside all of the warning bells in your brain.

At least in the dreams, you knew that none of it was real.

It didn’t matter if you trusted her in the dreams, because you knew you couldn’t when you opened your eyes.

The only way for her to earn that trust back was through actions, but you weren’t ready for that. Even if you were…

It didn’t change anything.

You blew out a long breath, settling back on the bed and flicking through the channels on the television to find the one showing the game.

Freya’s only contingency for sitting out was that you watched how everyone performed. You could do that. You were planning on doing it anyway.

You hummed as the LA Lineup flashed onto the screen, excited to see both Christen and Tobin starting and interested that they would have Charley up top with them. You wondered if Christen or her would take the 9 spot, or if they would swap out.

It would be a tough task for any of the back line to take them on, and the midfield would be a major factor.

You were also curious about what midfield Portland would put up to try and slow them down. Of course, Lindsey would be starting, or so you thought. Your easy smile flipped on itself when you saw that Lindsey was not in the starting 11. She wasn’t even on the roster.

The commentators were steering clear of mentioning it beyond that you were out with an injury and Lindsey’s absence was excused for personal reasons.

You didn’t get a chance to ponder what the fuck personal reasons were before there was a soft knock at your door.

You stared at the door for a long minute, flipping between the roster and it several times.

It would be an entirely Lindsey thing to do to show up at your door, despite your efforts to avoid her. It was an entirely Lindsey thing to be stubborn enough not to give up, despite how much you wanted her to.

You let out a long sigh and pushed yourself to your feet. You paused when you reached the door, your hand on the shiny handle, steeling yourself to come face-to-face with her.

You cracked the door open, peeking out, expecting to see her standing there.

Except she wasn’t.

All that was there was a to-go coffee cup with a sticky note attached to the front.

“What the fuck?” You mumbled, pulling the door open wide enough so you could pick it up, before retreating into your room.

You plucked the little orange note off the front, squinting at the loopy writing.

I know you hated the notes, but I wanted to respect your space.

FaceTime coffee date?

You couldn’t help but chuckle at it, both irritated and endeared at the same time.

It was thoughtful and reminded you of a Lindsey you knew before the World Cup.

You sat back on the bed, taking a hesitant sip of the drink she had gotten you and sticking the sticky beside you on the nightstand.

It was your favorite drink.

You weren’t sure why you expected anything less.

You grabbed your phone from the nightstand and flipped to Lindsey's contact, pausing for just a second, stealing your resolve yet again before pressing it.

It only rang twice before Lindsey’s face appeared on your screen.

“Hey,” She smiled brilliantly at you, but you still saw the hint of nerves in her eyes.

You smiled back, holding your cup up to the camera. “Hey, thanks for the coffee,”

“Couldn’t have a coffee date without coffee.” She held hers up too, and you noticed the little Dutch bros logo that differed from the grounded NW that was stamped on your cup. “I figured we could pull up a tandem stream and watch the game together,”

You scratched the back of your neck, as the screen shifted to a wide shot of warmups. “Like a Skype?”

“There’s a program,” Lindsey shrugged, and the camera shifted as she grabbed what you assumed was her computer. “I can send you a link,”

You squinted at the phone, glancing back up at your television. There were still 20 minutes before the game.

“How did you know what room I was in?” You asked, trying not to focus on how attractive the way Lindsey pulled her lip between her teeth was. How attractive the lines of her neck were.

She looked up at you, her blue eyes burning through you even through the screen.

“One of the equipment interns is a big fan,” She shrugged. “Cost me an autograph, but she was willing to help,”

You couldn’t help the way your lips lifted as you shook your head. “Becca isn’t a fan, but her girlfriend Chloe is,”

“Ah, I see,” Lindsey hummed, and it felt like old times again. It sent butterflies fluttering in your chest and dread pulsing through your stomach. “I found the link, I’ll send it to you,”

It reminded you that you couldn’t trust her. That she would only hurt you because you were her secret. You just didn’t understand why she wanted to connect with you here.

Why she was trying so hard when she would just reject you again anyway.

“Why are you doing this?” You asked her suddenly.

She blinked back towards you. “Doing what?”

“Pretending like you care,” You shrugged, picking at a loose thread on your shorts, looking away from your phone. “You don’t have to put in the effort because you feel guilty or whatever. I don’t blame you for this,”

You held your still gauze-covered hand up so she could see it.

She frowned, holding your gaze. “I’m not doing this because I feel guilty, and I’m not pretending,”

“Then why?”

“I…,” Red colored her cheeks and she swallowed her, but she didn’t look away from you like you expected her to. “I’ve had feelings for you for a very long time. You are my soulmate, and I have a lot of making up to do. I know that in-person stuff is probably overwhelming, so I thought this was a good compromise,”

You stared at her like she had grown an extra head.

She actually listened to what you told her and then thought about it. For the first time, she was taking your feelings into account, instead of barreling through them.

It was so…weird.

Of course, she had always been thoughtful, but never about your boundaries. She had always stubbornly edged her way past the very few that there were, and you let her because you wanted her to.

And it was frustrating because you couldn’t read her emotions through the phone. You didn’t want to do whatever this was on a screen.

“The stream will be a little grainy, but it’ll work,” she cleared her throat. “I just sent it to you,”

You sighed but pulled out your laptop and opened the link she sent you. She was right, it was grainy, especially compared to the stream you had going on the television.

“This is stupid,” You said as the stream glitched. “Where are you?”

“Um, the conference room,” Lindsey muttered, scratching the back of her neck. “Why?”

You sucked your lip between your teeth, biting down bone too gently, hoping that the little sting would help you think. That it would help you focus.

Were you ready to see her in person? Probably not, but when had you ever been ready for Lindsey?

You were almost there.

And a FaceTime, when no one knew, was too reminiscent of the way things had been. It felt too secretive. Too… hidden.

“I'm coming down,” You said, deciding in an instant that if you were going to do this, you weren’t going to be her secret. If you were going to do this, if she was going to prove that things would be different, then she was going to have to do it in public where people could see you. “Watching soccer through a screen sucks when the stadium is only like 3 minutes away,”

She froze, her mouth opening and closing a few times as you slipped off of the bed and pulled on a pair of slides (laces were still a bitch when you couldn’t move your dominant hand).

It was cool enough out that you wouldn’t look out of place in your sweats, so you slid your room key and your wallet into your pocket before heading out the door.

“You don’t have to,” She mumbled, running a hand through her hair as the door slammed behind you. “I don’t want you to feel pressured,”

You glanced at the screen. “I don’t. I just…,”

You let out a long breath, trying to figure out how to explain it to her.

“This feels too much like when we watched the premier leagues finals together on FaceTime because Arod gave me a concussion when we played against Utah,” You said, using your back to push through the door that separated the hallway and the stairway.

It was an unfortunate accident that kept you off the national team roster for the SheBelieves Cup, but that hadn’t stopped you and Lindsey from watching the Arsenal vs. Barça game.

You had opened your apartment door to find soup waiting for you instead of coffee, and a little note that felt so similar. It was perfect, until Emily interrupted your date, and suddenly you were just Lindsey’s friend again.

You swallowed, looking away from the phone as you descended down the steps. “I don’t want things to be like they were before,”

Everyone was in agreement that you couldn’t go back to the way things were. It would kill you more than the soulmate sickness already was.

You would be past the point of no return if you weren’t there already.

She paused on the other end of the phone, a very serious look crossing her features.

“I don’t either,” She said, her eyebrows furrowing the same way they did in the locker room when she figured out how to break through the other team's defense. “I know you hated the notes, but what I said in them was true. I choose you, and I’ll do whatever I need to prove it to you,”

You sighed but didn’t argue back, pausing on the landing between the 2nd floor and the 1st.

There was no point anyway. Now with Lindsey so… stubbornly determined.

“Meet me in the lobby,” You breathed out, not giving her a chance to say anything before you hung up.

Your heart beat erratically in your chest, and you gripped the railing, trying to calm the storm of butterflies and ice fighting in your stomach.

You sucked in a deep breath through your nose, counting to four in your head before blowing it out for eight, repeating the cycle until the gray edges of your vision returned.

A simple phrase shouldn’t set you so on edge.

You shouldn’t care so much about meaningless words.

You dropped your head, resting it against the cool wall of the stairwell.

It was ok that you cared, you reminded yourself. You could hear Clarke’s words in your head. It was normal, natural to have feelings.

You let out another long breath, debating on leaving Lindsey waiting for you in the lobby and running back up to your room.

But you couldn’t.

That would be cruel, and you should at least put up as much effort as Lindsey was.

Nothing would be resolved if you didn’t, and you couldn’t live in limbo for forever, no matter how much your anxiety said you could.

While seeing Lindsey in person was a terrifying prospect, it was a step you needed to take. Not for her, but for yourself.

You didn’t need her to choose you, because you were choosing yourself. And you wouldn’t let fear rule you.

You wouldn’t let resignation either.

Tobin was right, you deserved to let yourself have 5 seconds of bravery.

******

You stared out at the crowd at Providence park, spotted with red and roses and little flecks of pink from the fans who had followed you from LA.

It was a sight you knew would never get old, even if it sent a little pang through your chest now.

You remembered the last time you had sat in this box, it was so… different.

Everything in your universe was falling apart, and you were convinced no one cared. It was the last game of the season, and all you could think about was escaping. Running away to a country where even Emily and Tobin couldn’t hunt you down.

Now though, here you sat staring at the glinting of the fans in the stadium like it was the light at the end of a tunnel.

You just hoped it wasn’t a train.

“It’s kinda weird,” You mumbled, leaning forward and resting both of your elbows on the edge of the box.

It made you feel almost nostalgic.

“Hmm?” Lindsey hummed from two seats away from you, her eyes never leaving the field.

She had been strangely…normal with you since you met her in the lobby. Her smile had been shy, and you did your best not to stare at the little sliver of skin above the low-hanging waist of her sweatpants.

She held the door for you when you came in the back entrance of the stadium and made small talk all through the 3-minute walk.

It set you at ease and that fucking terrified you.

“The last time I was up here, Tobin scored a hatty and now everyone is booing her,” You said, your eyes following the winger as she slid a ball in to Christen, and your nose scrunching when Bixby barely made the save.

Lindsey snorted, and shook her head, clearly remembering the game you were talking about. “That was a rough game for the Spirit. Rosie was pissed,”

Your lips tilted up.

Rosie had been so so spicy, especially during the second half of the game. With the frustration on her side, you couldn’t blame her.

“Emily almost got a red card because she couldn’t stop her without fouling her,”

Lindsey shook her head, mirroring your expression. “Rosie is a fucking pain in the ass to defend against,”

Rosie was a magician on the ball, and even with the Thorns up by 4 in that game, she had been tearing the defense apart.

“The worst,” You agreed, and a strange look crossed Lindsey’s face.

“I don’t know if I’d go that far,” She picked at a string on her sweatpants, and your eyes zeroed in on the movement. “There were some definite sighs of relief when you weren’t on the roster,”

It brought you back to where you were. To how… strained things between you and Lindsey were.

To how it was all your fault.

She said that she didn’t pity you, but you didn’t believe her.

The only reason she was doing any of this was because she felt guilty. Your friends had turned against her, and the only way for them to forgive her was for her to try to fix it with you.

And you were too pathetic to even give her a real chance.

“I guess I’m a pain in the ass in a lot of ways, huh?”

Her head snapped at the self-deprecating comment, one that she knew stretched much deeper than your soccer-playing ability.

She knew it wasn’t the perfect time to bring up heavy things, but she couldn’t let the moment pass.

“You’re not,” Lindsey said vehemently, reaching across the empty seat between you to catch your non injured hand and tangle your fingers together. “I hurt you. You are allowed to process that however, you need to do that. I love you and I will do whatever I can to show you that and to earn my shot with you. I wasted my first one, but I will not waste the second one. I’m so sorry that I hurt you.”

It was everything you ever wanted her to say. What you had dreamed about her saying for years. It made you feel tingly all over and you were sure that you were blushing. It helped to set you at ease and sent alarm bells ringing in your ears at the same time.

You tore your eyes away from her, looking back out at the fans.

Red banners fluttered around the crowd, mixing with the yellows and greens of the stadium like warning signs.

Like the signs your subconscious had tried to show you the first time around.

“Don’t,” You bit out, snatching your hand away, pushing yourself up from the stadium chair, and putting as much space between the two of you as you could in the cramped box. You ran your gauzed hand through your hair, ignoring the way it pulled uncomfortably at the strands.

She paused, watching you with careful eyes like you were a wounded animal backed into a corner.

“Don’t what?” She asked, keeping her voice level.

The tone irritated you.

It reminded you too much of Christen.

You shook your head, climbing the steps of the box and stepping into the hallway.

“Y/n wait,” Lindsey called after you.

But you didn’t. You hung a left and headed off with no particular direction in mind, trusting your feet to take you to a spot you could breathe.

“Y/n” she called again, her voice closer than it was, but you didn’t stop for her, hanging another right and a left down the maze of hallways. “Where are you going?”

You didn’t answer.

Her feet pounded the concrete floor as she raced to catch up with you, but you ignored it.

You didn’t care if she followed you.

“Y/n,” She caught your arm, pulling you to a stop and forcing you to look at her. “Don’t what?”

You looked up and met her burning blue eyes. “Don't say things you don’t mean because you think it’s what you’re supposed to do. You might not pity me, but you’re only trying to fix this because you feel guilty or whatever. You’re only saying you love me because you know what will happen if you don’t. I just,”

You tore your eyes away, stepping as far from her as the small hallway would allow, your back landing heavily against the army-green wall. “I would rather let the hole in my chest kill me than have you pretending to feel things you don’t,”

She stepped into your space, and you molded yourself against the cool brick.

“I’m not pretending,” She said, leaning close to you, her eyes boring into yours with fire and passion, and honesty. “I love you Y/n. Not because Kelley sent me a photo or because the team hates me. I’ve been in love with you since we were 18. I was just too much of a coward to admit it. I have fucked this up so badly, I know, but how do I get it through your thick skull that there has never been a moment where I didn’t love you,”

You swallowed hard, glancing over her shoulder towards the random staff lingering.

She followed your gaze before all of her attention was back on you. “And this time, I don’t care who knows. You’re my soulmate,”

And there it was, the moment you had been waiting for since you opened your eyes to see her childhood playground so many months ago.

“I love you too,”

The words fell shakily from your lips. A shuttering promise, filled with devotion and heaviness.

An unspoken Always passed between you.

“I know,” She nodded once, stepping back from your personal space, and straightening her Office t-shirt. Though she didn’t drop your hand. “Do you wanna watch the rest of the game?”

You swallowed again. “Yeah,”

Her smile turned shy as she began to lead you back toward the box to watch the rest of the game. “And maybe we can do a movie night or something after?”

You squeezed her hand in three slow pulses, hoping to slow your racing heart. “Maybe,”

You didn’t necessarily trust her, but you also weren’t ready for the night to end yet.

It was a dangerous idea, but the ache in your chest made you hesitant to leave Lindsey. Hesitant to deny her.

You wouldn’t have to decide until the end of the game anyway.

******

As it turned out, making the decision to go with Lindsey back to the hotel after the game was… easier than you’d like to admit.

Just being with her made the lingering throb in your chest ease. It neutralized the burning acid in your stomach and slowly started to thaw the ice in your veins.

The feeling was addictive and so much stronger than the ones you got from the dreams.

It terrified you, but you were unwilling to stop yet.

It was like she was a campfire. You needed to be close to her warmth, but you knew too much exposure would leave you smelling like smoke. That getting too close would burn you.

It was why you had been so hesitant to see her in person.

You knew you wouldn’t be able to deny her.

You had never been able to deny her.

But being with her this time felt distinctly different.

She held your hand throughout the rest of the game, and on the walk back to the hotel. She hadn’t let go until you used the little key card to scan into your room.

She had taken the double bed that you hadn’t used as you cued up an old USMNT game, kicking her shoes off and settling against the pillows.

It just felt… odd to have so much space between the two of you, even if you were slightly grateful for it. And while you appreciated Lindsey trying to respect a boundary she was unsure of, it felt… forced.

You looked away from the screen, and towards Lindsey, your hands opening and closing several times trying to figure out where you were supposed to sit.

You had 2 options.

You could either sit beside her on the extra bed, or across from her on the one you had already used.

While sitting on your bed would give you the solace of not having to fight your instincts, just the idea of sitting with her was making the hole in your chest crackle with the possibility of relief. It was like holding water out to a person trapped in the desert. Like a life raft floating inches from a drowning man.

She made eye contact with you, gently patting the space beside her, seemingly seeing your struggle. “I won’t bite. I won’t even cuddle you if you don’t want me to. We’re doing this at your pace,”

You slowly stepped towards her, settling next to her on the bed. You slowly leaned back on the pillows, dangerously close to her arm.

She kept her word and didn’t move a muscle, even as you wiggled beside her trying to get comfortable.

You sighed, closing your eyes as Alexie Lala’s voice droned on about things you didn’t care about, trying not to think about how warm Lindsey was.

You took three deep breaths, making your choice. You were going to have to be the one to make the first move.

You pushed your doubt from your mind and slowly moved your hand towards the best radiating from Lindsey. Your fingers gently descended her arm until you met her hand, and you wound your fingers together.

Lindsey welcomed the touch, and you shouldn’t have been surprised since you had been holding hands all night, but you were.

It should have scared you how perfectly the two of you fit together, but it didn’t.

You had always fit together perfectly. Maybe that was why you were soulmates.

She squeezed your fingers and shifted so her shoulder could be a more comfortable pillow for your head.

“Comfy?” She asked when you wiggled again, pressing more tightly against her as you got cozy.

You hummed, opening your eyes to look at the game on the screen.

She brought your intertwined hands up and kissed the back of yours. “Good,”

You both settled into a comfortable silence as the men’s team took the field.

It reminded you of the thousands of nights the two of you had spent together before, but it didn’t fill you with a sense of dread that it had not too long ago. It didn’t make you feel dirty.

It was impossible for it to when Lindsey’s warmth was leaching into your skin, melting the edges of the ice that encased your chest.

The fingers of her free hand gently traced up and down your forearm, barely brushing the gray line on the inside of your elbow every few laps.

You wondered if she knew that the simple contact sent singles up your arm. Or if she knew that physical touch was the only way to cure the effects of soulmate sickness.

“Do they hurt?” She asked you as Jamaica cleared the ball and the men’s team stepped up to take a throw-in.

You blinked, once, twice processing the gentle question.

“Those don’t anymore. They’re healed,” You said slowly as her finger traced the gray line up past your elbow. “The doc says that the lines will never completely go away through,”

It got a bit darker as it ascended your arm, but it was nothing compared to the bubbling black it had been. The lines would fade a bit more until they were little more than raised silver skin like any other scar, it would just take time.

“The others?” Lindsey’s voice was barely above a whisper, as she traced slightly higher up your arm, towards your shoulder.

You shook your head. “Not as bad as it used to be. The meds help, and…,” You swallowed hard. “And not seeing him with you helps too,”

You felt Lindsey nod, and it went quiet again for another long second.

“Can I see it?”

Her voice stayed soft and hesitant, and you fought to keep yourself from going rigid.

It was a hard thing to explain, that letting people see the still deep purple mark on your chest. That letting Lindsey see it was more intimate than almost anything the two of you had ever done.

Doing it in dreams was so different than letting her see it in real life.

And you weren’t really sure how you felt about that.

You also weren’t sure how you felt about being alone with Lindsey in just a sports bra and shorts.

“You’ve already seen it,” You mumbled stiffly.

“I know,” Lindsey agreed, taking a long pause like she was choosing her words carefully. “I just… Can I see it for real?”

You let out a long breath through your nose because you understood the need to see it in real life.

You didn’t trust the dreams either, but did you trust Lindsey enough to let her see?

You wondered what Clarke would say. What her advice would be?

It would probably be some shit about following your feelings.

You let out another long breath.

“Ok,” You whispered, your voice sounding more unsure than you wanted to show.

“Ok,” Lindsey repeated, squeezing your hand once, before letting go.

It was a long second before you sat up, carefully scooting away from her and turning so you were facing her. She pulled her feet up so she was sitting criss cross and shuffled forward so your knees were touching.

Your eyes met hers. The blue in them seemed to smolder as they stared into yours, and for the first time in a very long time, nerves bubbled in your stomach.

You carefully pulled your shirt over your head, revealing the dark bruise that still sat right above your heart, and the receding spider web of veins that sprouted out from it.

Lindsey’s eyes remained locked with yours until you nodded once, giving her consent to look. It was only then that they trailed down your face, and towards the network of gray and purple that dotted the skin of your neck, deepening as it approached the space right above your heart.

Her lip disappeared between her teeth as she finally landed on the epicenter of your pain.

“Can I?” She asked, lifting her hand, but not touching you.

You swallowed the lump in your throat, but nodded once again, having already expected the request.

She nodded again, and very slowly extended her arm.

Her hand was warm as it landed on your shoulder, very gently touching the graying lines near your neck. Even the gentle press had a shudder running down your spine and goosebumps appearing up and down your arms.

“Good?” Lindsey asked, her eyes darting back up to yours.

You nodded stiffly. “Good,”

She hummed, dragging her hand down the graying line towards the black mark above your heart.

She flattened her palm against it, and it was like a lantern in the dark. Like an instant balm for the ever-present sting that accompanied each heartbeat.

You were sure she could feel how fast it was beating, like a runaway freight train threatening to explode out of your chest.

You shivered at the feeling, so much more potent than it was in the dreams.

It tingled and burned and filled you with a sense that everything was going to be ok (even if the rational part of your brain knew everything was so far from it), but it was different because this time, it was real.

“What does it feel like?”

“Hm?” You blinked up at her, realizing that your faces were merely inches apart.

Her eyes lifted from the little lines slowly receding on your chest to meet yours again. “I feel the warmth in my hand, but what does it feel like for you?”

“It’s hard to explain,” You said, squinting, your tongue poking from between your teeth. “It’s like a lantern lighting a dark abyss. Like a warm cup of tea after a freezing rain game,”

She nodded once, looking away from you and back towards the web of black on your chest. “I’m sorry I did this,”

“I know,” You smiled gently at her. “I forgive you,”

The truth was that you had forgiven her long ago, even if you didn’t trust her.

Her head bobbed in time with her throat. “I just felt like I needed to say it again. I was just so in my head that I wasn’t letting myself feel,”

Your lips turned down, and your eyebrows furrowed. “And what do you feel?”

Her eyes flicked up to meet yours, shy and hesitant. “I feel like I want to kiss you,”

You tilted your chin so your lips were centimeters apart. “What’s stopping you?”

She sighed softly. “We’re doing this at your pace, and I don’t want to push you. You should be able to forgive me in your own time, without outside pressure from me,”

You felt more warmth bloom in your chest, spreading from the point the two of you were touching, all the way up to your ears.

It filled you with fondness and… love. It made you feel like she cared, and you wanted so badly to believe that she did.

And maybe this time you did believe her.

Trust would take time to earn, and for the first time in a very long time, you were willing to give her the chance to earn it.

This time you had the power to change the ending.

“Kiss me,” You murmured.

She leaned in the rest of the way, and your eyes slid closed as her lips pressed very gently into yours.

It was different than the kisses you had shared before, more reminiscent of the ones between you in France before the world of expectations and responsibilities had been placed on your shoulders.

It was softer, more hesitant, but passionate nonetheless.

You saw fireworks behind your eyelids and all your nerves stood on end. Your lips fit perfectly together, moving in a dance that only they knew.

It was everything you had ever wanted and more, and it was everything you wanted for the rest of your life.

Things weren’t perfect between the two of you. You both had scars and pain and things that you needed to solve with each other, but you knew that they would heal. Together you would be able to move past your past and make your future solid. Together you would figure it out. You would make it, together, interwoven for all eternity.

Always

#uswnt imagine #uswnt imagines #uswnt x reader #lindsey horan imagine #lindsey horan x reader #my 20000 word soulmate fic

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