#okay re my last post about that ex mutual | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

nomazee · 4 years

Text

Ex Animo

akaashi keiji x reader

word count: 3000+

content: fluff (for once), mutual pining, cursing, sarcastic/cocky narrator.

cross-posted on my ao3

(hi hi hi! here’s another oneshot, this time it’s not angst and not in a weird writing style! i’m trying out something new, let me know if you like it, what you found good and bad, and how i can improve my writing and make it more enjoyable for you all.

thanks for reading !)

☾.:°∗★.:☆:.★∗°:.☽

“He’s cute.”

“...What?”

“The blonde guy that Kuroo and Bokuto are ‘training,’ or whatever.”

“You think he’s cute?”

“Well, yeah. I think that’s pretty objective.”

“...”

“...?”

“Interesting.”

You nearly sighed at Akaashi’s emotionless responses. Being a manager of Nekoma opened up the opportunity for you to become friendly with not only your own captain, Kuroo, but the captain of Fukurodani and his setter-best-friend, too. You found yourself becoming increasingly closer to Akaashi as the months passed by, though that didn’t eliminate the mild disappointment you felt at Akaashi’s often indifferent responses.

You let out an audible sigh just then, bringing yourself back to the present-tense. “Think you could put in a word for me?”

Your friend, having just been taking a sip from his water bottle, sputtered and choked on the liquid. “Put in what?”

Ah. Now he was expressing an actual emotion. You supposed that was somewhat of an upgrade. “Like, you know. Tell him about me. Say some nice stuff, make me seem… appealing. The usual.”

“I don't really understand what ‘the usual’ is seeing as I’ve never done this before--”

“Just-- for God’s sake, Akaashi, tell him about me so that he can fuckin’ ask me out.”

“Why don’t you do that?”

“That’s not how it works.”

“I don't really unders-- Well, I-- I don’t really think he’d be interested in you.”

Maybe the way he worded it seemed off to you but your immediate frustration was certainly justified. You narrowed your eyes at him and huffed out a sardonic laugh. “Wow, you’re so nice.” His own gunmetal eyes widened the slightest bit as he re-processed his previous words and you almost laughed at how dense he was.

“No, that’s not what I--”

“Never-fuckin’-mind, I’ll just… I’m gonna head to bed.”

“[Name]--”

“Akaashi, I’m not mad, stop panicking. See you tomorrow.”

You walked away, passing by Kuroo and Bokuto and saying goodnight to both of them before heading back to the dorm area where you’d be sleeping with the other managers. Honestly, you really weren’t mad--at least, not for the reason Akaashi thought you were. The minor insult he spewed out unknowingly wasn’t really upsetting, it was more that he seemed apathetic at your attempts to flirt with another person.

Yes, you liked Akaashi--you had a dumb crush on him that Kuroo (and occasionally Kenma, observant and sarcastic as the kid could be) had been hassling you about playfully during the whole camp, yet you had made no outright move to do anything about it. And yes, it was incredibly fucking dumb that you were trying to make him jealous (you cringed at the childish thought) when you hadn’t even made an actual outright move to approach him about your feelings, but hey--at least you acknowledged this stuff.

So, yeah--that was your move. Trying to get acquainted with the cute blonde from Karasuno who you knew was an asshole, but a hot asshole. Tsuki-something was his name, and you decided that he doubled as both a serious rebound from Akaashi and a way to maybe get the Fukurodani player jealous. Though, it seemed like the former would be a much more realistic outcome, and even that was a stretch.

Whatever, you sighed in your head as you bid goodnight to the other managers. No need to worry about something like this. They’re just boys.

Yeah, a boy that you were practically in love with. But what are you gonna do, y’know?

---

The next day passed by in a boringly average way. Your interactions with Akaashi were minimal, though you chalked that up to just being busy with your own team and not having much time to spend with your other-school-friends. (Really, you mumbled in your head, what happened last night did not even border an argument so there was no reason for him to think you were still upset.) Evening rolled around and you found yourself in the third gym yet again with Kuroo, Bokuto, Akaashi, and Tsukishima.

At one point, you were chatting casually with Bokuto on the side when Tsukishima approached the two of you.

“Hey,” he spoke, looking at you in particular. “I need to speak to you for a minute.”

You blinked. Once. Then twice. This was real? This very attractive first-year that you’ve been materialistically pining after for was requesting to talk to you? Alone? Though, the way he worded it was weird. He spoke formally, like he didn’t really want to be there. Oh well. You’d take what you could.

You gave a smile. “Sure. ‘S outside okay?” At his nod, you led the way through the double doors of the gym to step outdoors, though not before taking a glance at Akaashi and wondering if the pink of his ears signified that he really did follow your (kind of) joking request from last night.

“Tsukishima, right?” He gave a wordless nod of assurance. “What’d you need me for?”

“You’re [Last].” A statement, not a question. “I recommend you talk to your friend Akaashi in there.”

Oh. Not what you were expecting at all. “Uh, okay.” There was silence that you had expected him to fill in himself, but it persisted until you broke the barrier. “Is there… a particular reason why?”

He gave an aggravated sigh, a contrast to his generally calm demeanor from before. “Just-- you’re a bit dense, both of you.” Nearly letting out an offended gasp, you let him continue, “He tried, uh, indirectly flirting for you, I guess, and told me about you, or whatever, and while I’m flattered, it’s a bit obvious that he’s got eyes for you and I recommend you address that soon.”

He’s got what?!

You were very convinced this was a joke, but from what you’ve observed, Tsukishima was not one for long-winding pranks like this, both because they were a bit too cruel (not that he’d really mind, let’s be honest) and because they took too much effort to uphold. Nevertheless, you questioned him about both his intentions and further details about the situation.

“I’m not lying, I wouldn’t really lie about this stuff.” He told you. “If I’m being honest I wouldn’t normally care to do something like this,” that was a bit obvious, “but Kuroo overheard or something, and told me to talk to you. Don’t know why he wouldn’t just do it himself, but-- whatever. Basically, Akaashi just kept talking about you and he had this weird look in his eyes and he said something like ‘you should talk to her, she’s cool,’ and the guy looked like he was in pain, for fuck’s sake. Just say something to him. Doesn’t matter what, just… do it, I guess.”

Oh. That was actually kind of nice of the blonde, to take some time to actually talk to you. Even if it was pushed by Kuroo, who probably put Tsukishima up to the job because his words (which you’d already heard plenty of time before) would not nearly be as effective as someone who was practically a stranger to you. (A weird dynamic to have, but true nonetheless.)

You let out a sigh. “Yeah, I’ll, uh, I’ll talk to him. But just to make sure, you’re being serious, right? And you’re, like, very sure about this, right?”

He rolled his eyes. “I wouldn’t be taking the time to actually do this if I wasn’t serious. I’m not that nice.”

“I can tell.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“Anytime.”

“You’re kinda cool, though. Even though you’re a little shit. Wanna exchange numbers?”

“Wow, you’re still flirting with me even though you’ve got a whole guy pining for you right over there.”

“Hey! Who says I’ve got ulterior motives with you? I can have guy friends, you know.”

He let out a scoff of amusement and his minor suspicion melted away quite quickly as he took his phone out and asked you to relay your number. After mirroring the process with your own phone, you stepped back into the gym with him, elbowing him playfully as you both continued to banter until halfway through the room where you had to split up, him going back to practice with Kuroo and you going towards Bokuto, who was now standing with Akaashi at the spot you’d left the owl-like boy.

You gave a smile to the setter, who you’d noticed had been gazing at you discreetly since you’d walked into the gym with Tsukishima. “Heya,” you said to both of the boys. “What’s up?”

Bokuto gave his usual childish grin and you found yourself contagiously returning it. “Not much! Just talking to ‘Kaashi for a bit. You get that blonde kid’s number?”

Now that you were hyperobservant of Akaashi’s habits (mainly due to you wanting to absolutely, one-hundred guarantee what said blonde kid had told you before you did anything stupid), the way he flinched at Bokuto’s question did not go unnoticed by you. Your lips quirked up in amusement as you responded confidently, “Yeah, actually! He’s pretty funny.” You felt bad torturing the poor setter, but hey, you were gonna end his suffering soon anyways! (Relaying that in your head, you realized that came off a little morbid and assured yourself that you wouldn’t be actually killing the guy any time soon.)

You shifted the topic of conversation, watching with internal humor as Akaashi shifted awkwardly on his feet and stole glances of you when he thought you wouldn't notice. Wow! Were you just really fucking oblivious before or was he purposely trying to be more obvious about his cute pining stunt. Regardless, you found it both cute and a source of entertainment (as sadistic as it was of you to admit) so you didn’t think of it too hard.

“Hey, maybe we should start heading back.” Kuroo suggested at one point. “Getting a bit late.”

You shrugged in agreement--not like they were doing anything important, really. You, Bokuto, and Akaashi were talking for a solid half hour and Kuroo and Tsukki seemed to be fooling around with each other (“fooling around” entailed Kuroo bothering Tsukki and trying to get him involved in whatever joke he was planning next, of course to no avail, but you appreciated your captain’s sense of determination).

You all exited the gym, Kuroo making sure to turn off the lights and lock it up as needed. You and Akaashi walked in front of the trio as they staggered a bit behind. You glanced to your side, smiling at him fondly. He locked eyes with you and a hint of curiosity was found in his aloof expression. You laughed, light and airy and shook your head.

“You’re funny sometimes.” You stated simply, and Akaashi couldn’t seem to find much energy in himself to audibly ask for further clarification. A few minutes passed and you decided to make a move, looking at both of your hands and aiming to lock pinkies with him.

At the feeling of foreign contact, Akaashi jolted and looked up at you, expression more shocked than curious now. You just smiled and turned your head forward, taking the chance to slip your whole hand into his and interlock your fingers like puzzle pieces.

“What are you doing?” He finally hissed out, tone laughably frantic. “He’s-- He’s gonna think that we’re dating and that you’re, like trying to cheat on me with him--!”

“Tsukishima?” You questioned, feigning ignorance. “Nah, he won’t think that. Stop worrying about it.”

“[Name]--” The genuine panic in his voice was sort of funny, all things considered, and you let out a quiet chuckle. “Seriously, let go. Don’t you wanna get with him? This is a couple thing, and I’m not-- You don't--”

“Yeah, I do.” Your smile was confident and a bit cocky, but you were very certain about the outcome and prepared to be as fun about this as you could be. “Tsukki told me, actually. You should be thanking him. Otherwise I wouldn’t be able to tell you.”

“Tell… me?”

You groaned out loud at his unsureness. “That I, you know, like you. Like, a lot. Had a crush on you for months now, man.”

“But you-- I though you said Tsukishima was… cute?”

“Well, yeah, he is, objectively. But I was really just saying that ‘cause I didn’t think you’d like me back and I was either trying to get you jealous or get some kinda rebound-- whatever it was, it doesn't really matter now, right?”

Akaashi stared blankly at your alight expression. Moments passed, and you two walked silently, the only noise coming from the trio behind you chatting jovially.

“So, um,” he began. “Just to clarify--”

“You like me,” you cut him off, “and I like you. A lot. Very much.”

He finally let out a laugh, of both amusement and relief and shook his head light-heartedly. “God, and I was worried that I’d have to suffer with seeing you and Tsukishima flirt everytime we were in the same room.”

“That would’ve been hell.”

“You’re telling me.”

The atmosphere was less tense and panicky as it was before (which was mainly Akaashi’s fault, let’s be honest), and your interlocked hands swung between you as you continued to walk in content silence.

“So, am I…” Akaashi paused, trying to gather his thoughts before continuing, “Can I call you my girlfriend?”

As cocky as you had been before, hearing it out loud made you flush a light pink and you gave a girlish giggle in response. “Well, yeah. As long as I can call you my boyfriend.”

“Always.” That was fucking cute. You felt your heart flutter and almost scolded yourself internally for acting like such a schoolgirl before ceasing your internal slander--if this was what it was like to have a reciprocated schoolgirl crush then hell fucking yeah, you had absolutely no qualms with it. Your steps seemed lighter and bouncier and a soft simper was etched on your face.

Akaashi split up with the boys at one point, telling them he’d be walking you to the managers’ room (you caught Kuroo and Tsukki smirking at you both, likely in elation that their little three-braincell collaboration was successful, and you resisted the urge to roll your eyes and their cockiness). He made good on his promise, leading you to your room with his hand locked safely around yours until he stopped outside the door, turning to face you completely and letting go of your hand.

“So…” he muttered, averting his eyes in uncharacteristic bashfulness. You smiled at his demeanor and took the chance to slide your arms around his neck, pulling him the slightest bit closer.

“So…?” you mocked playfully, relishing in the short, sweet chuckle he let out.

“You can kiss me.” At your statement, he cupped your cheek with one hand, gunmetal eyes finally meeting yours.

“Can I?” He smirked sardonically. Cheeky bastard.

Rather than responding, you pulled him closer with the arms you locked around his neck, clashing his lips into yours passionately. The heavy kiss simmered down into something much more tender quite quickly, though, with lips moving gently across each other and your head beginning to tilt to the side to allow for a better angle.

You both parted after a reasonable amount of time spent liplocked, and as you took in deep breaths to make up for the ones you lost, you found yourself laughing at the situation you managed to put yourself in through the course of one night. Akaashi laughed with you, resolving to lean down and put his head on your shoulder, wrapping his arms around your shoulders and pulling you into an embrace.

“That was great.” He mumbled.

“I know, right?”

He pulled back to flick your forehead playfully and you chuckled again. A few moments were spent gazing at each other comfortably until--

“Are you guys gonna stop making out in front of the door or what?”

You and Akaashi jumped at the sudden opening of the door, frantically turning your heads to see Yukie with a mixed expression bordering on both annoyed and smug.

“‘S cute and all, but we’ve been hearing you guys mumble outside for, like, ten minutes. And we’d like to have our friend back, please?” She directed her last statement to Akaashi and you laughed with her at his mildly uncomfortable expression.

“He was gonna give me back eventually,” you answered in his place. “But she does have a point, Akaashi. We’ve been out here for a while.”

In another moment of uncharacteristic nature, Akaashi’s face simmered into a faint red blush and you swooned at the sight. You unlocked your arms from around him and he mirrored your movements quickly, avoiding eye contact with both you and Yukie.

Yukie turned to you. “I’ll give you a bit of time.” She gave a glare to Akaashi, “But you better hand her over in five minutes. I’m timing you.”

“So am I!” You heard the familiar voice of Kaori come from inside the room and laughed in amusement as the setter’s face only grew more saturated. “I’ll be right there, I promise.” With an assuring nod and an “I’m-watching-you” gesture at Akaashi, Yukie slipped back into the room and closed the door, giving you an Akaashi (some semblance of) privacy again.

“That was interesting.”

“That was embarrassing.”

“For you.”

“[Name]--!”

You cut him off with a jeering laugh and rested your head on his shoulders just like he had done moments before. “I go to school with them,” he mumbled dejectedly. “They’re never gonna let that go.”

“Yeah.” Silence, then, “Well, you can have fun with that.”

He groaned into your hair and shook his head before the exaggerated noise simmered into light laughter. “I guess I should let you go now.”

“I guess you should.” You unlocked yourself from around him and smiled fondly, the same emotion prevalent in his eyes. You leaned up and gave him a short peck, entering euphoria for a millisecond before turning towards the door and letting out a sigh of surrender.

“Goodnight, then.” You spoke, looking back again to get just one last glance of him for the night. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Yeah,” he grinned. “Tomorrow.”

“You know, maybe we can have out first date with Tsukki! As a little thank-you for getting us together in the first place--”

“You know, you haven’t even explained that full story yet and I don’t think I want you to.”

“‘KaaaaashiiiiI! C’mon!”

“Goodnight.”

“One more kiss?!”

“Not after that joke.”

“I was kidding! I--!”

“Goodnight.”

“...you’re no fun.”

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sunmoonandeddie · 5 years

Text

(FAKE) BOYFRIEND DOES MY MAKEUP CHALLENGE BECAUSE I GOT DUMPED

pairing: steve rogers x reader

word count: 4,029

summary: If there’s one thing you hate more than anything, it’s disappointing your viewers. But it’s looking like you might have to, since after your breakup with fellow YouTuber Thor Odinson, you have no one to film a highly requested Boyfriend Does My Makeup Challenge video. That is, until your best friend, Natasha, steps in.

warnings: swearing

masterlist

a/n: Let me know what you think!

“Nat, what the fuck am I going to do?” You asked with a groan, flopping back onto your bed. Your typically immaculate bedroom was in a state of disarray. Clothing was littered all over the floor, your bed hadn’t been made in days. Hell, you couldn’t remember when you last showered, let alone cleaned your room.

“First things first, you’re going to shower,” the redhead said, her nose scrunching up as she sat behind you on the bed. “Because—and I say this with so much in my heart—you reek.”

You huffed, glaring up at her. “I’ve been having a rough time.”

“I know,” she said, though that didn’t stop her from pulling you off the bed and pushing you towards the bathroom. She even went as far as starting the water for you and setting two towels on the toilet for you to grab. “I thought that it was mutual,” she said, having to almost shout over the roar of the water as she pulled herself up to sit on the sink counter.

You frowned at the wall as you lathered the shampoo into your hair. “It… was. But I don’t know…,” you said, “We were together for almost two years. I thought… I thought he was the love of my life. I guess it just hurts to be wrong.”

And that’s truly what the root of it was. You and Thor had been together for a little over a year and a half and it had easily been the best relationship of your life.

But that was clearly over.

You leaned your forehead against the wall, letting the hot water just run over you. “It probably says something that I’m mostly upset about not being able to give my viewers that Boyfriend Does My Makeup video, huh?”

Natasha barked out a laugh, a smile tugging at her lips. She knew you’d be okay after she got you out of your filth. Cleaning your room could come later. First thing after your shower was to get you out of the house. “At least it was mutual and he didn’t, like, cheat on you or anything.”

You scrubbed at your skin with a loofah, letting your conditioner sit in your hair. “We both know that Thor would never cheat on anyone. He can’t keep a secret to save his life, and he’d feel too bad.”

“You’ve got a point,” she said, picking up her phone as it dinged with a notification. “Hey, is it okay if we stop by Sam’s before going grocery shopping?”

“I don’t care,” you said, finishing washing up. You hadn’t been to her boyfriend’s house, but you’d known him since the two of them got together two years before. Every time you’d seen him, it was usually at Natasha’s house. “I thought he filmed on Wednesdays?”

“He does, but he left his favorite pair of tennis shoes at my place.”

Fitness gurus and their fucking tennis shoes.

You finally got out of the shower and brushed your teeth, pulling on fresh clothes for the first time in days. And yeah, it was a hoodie and a pair of leggings, but it still counted.

“No makeup?” Nat asked quietly, and you bit your lip, frowning. The thought of stepping into your filming room was too much at the moment, and that’s where you kept all your makeup.

Part of being a beauty guru and all.

Her hand went to your cheek, pinching it softly before heading for the front door. “Well, you know you look stunning no matter what.”

You let out a weak laugh. “Even when I’m crying?”

“Even when you’re crying.”

Your phone went off when you were almost to Sam’s, and you had to restrain yourself from throwing it out the window.

“Do you still have notifications on for him?” Natasha asked, looking at you with huge green eyes from the driver’s side.

“Um… No?” You hid your phone screen from her the best you could.

She reached over, grasping at it even though she was the one driving. “Hand me your phone.”

“What?! Nat, you’re driving!”

“Give me the phone!”

“No!” You were seriously considering rolling down the window when she snatched it from your hands.

She held onto it until she pulled into Sam’s driveway, reading, “@thorodinson tweeted: ‘New Video Posted: Life Update.’” She turned to you, saying, “Oh, come on. That doesn’t mean it’s about—”

You rolled your eyes, hitting the video and opening it. Your ex’s god-like face popped up on the screen, and he looked a little worse for wear.

“Hello, uh, everyone,” Thor said, rubbing his hands on his jeans. “So, uh… If you haven’t watched my last video, my girlfriend and I decided to end things. I know this’ll come as a shock to everyone—”

Natasha shut off the video, grumbling as she grabbed Sam’s tennis shoes from the backseat, “Okay, okay. But you two are the ones who decided to upload a breakup video together, à la Liza and David.”

“It’s not like we hate each other,” you said as the two of you finally got out of the car. You stared up at the house, eyes widening as you shoved your hands in the pocket of your hoodie. It was easily one of the biggest houses you’d ever seen. “We were good friends before we started dating, and even if it takes us a while, we’ll get back to that eventually. At least, I hope so.”

“That’s a tall order, Bambi.”

“Well, good thing he’s six foot four or whatever.”

She gave you the look that you called the Romanoff Stare, before slipping her key into the front door. “Sam? Baby? I’m here!” She called out, leading you inside.

“Sometimes I forget how much money Sam has,” you said as you looked around the front foyer. It was absolutely stunning, with gorgeous marble flooring and dark mahogany furniture. There was a grand staircase leading from the center of the room up to the second floor.

“It’s not just him,” she reminded you, leading you further inside. “His friends Steve and Bucky live with him, too.”

“Yeah, the… the Fitness Bros, right?” To be completely honest, you hadn’t ever seen any of the groups’ videos. It wasn’t exactly your thing, though you had seen Sam’s vlogs when Natasha was in them.

She bit her lip as she went quiet, clearly listening for where the residents of the house were. After a long moment, a grin spread over her lips. “Technically, they’re ShieldFitness, but they have that rivalry going on with the Science Bros, so yeah. The Fitness Bros. Steve and Bucky are chill. You’d like them.” She waved you along, leading you downstairs. As the door opened, you could hear music blasting and the sound of weights being lifted and dropped and lifted again. “Boys! I’m here!”

When you got to the bottom of the stairs, you froze.

The entire basement had been converted into a state-of-the-art gym.

“Holy shit,” you said, taking it all in. You hadn’t been to a gym in years, not since… Well.

“Hey, baby!”

You looked up just in time to see an extremely sweaty Sam Wilson bound over to Natasha and pull her into a passionate kiss. “Hey, Sam. Nice to see you, too.”

The man in question smirked as he pulled away from the kiss. “Hey, Bambi.” His face fell as he saw the state you were in. “How are you holding up?”

“I’m fine,” you said with a shrug, pulling out your phone. You could at least pretend to be okay if you kept your nose on your screen.

Natasha shook her head at Sam, mouthing, “She’s not.”

The two other men in the gym hadn’t yet noticed that they had visitors. That, or they were just deciding to ignore the two of you. You were okay with either option, if you were being honest. You hated meeting new people when you didn’t have makeup on, as horrible and insecure as it sounded. It was just… makeup was your thing. You didn’t leave the house without it ninety percent of the time.

You felt your heart sink as you saw the texts your manager had sent you.

Maria Hill: You need to find a video to replace the Boyfriend Does My Makeup one ASAP.

Maria Hill: People are extremely upset about you and Odinson breaking up.

Maria Hill: And I know that you’re upset, and this is going to sound like it’s in poor taste, but your breakup won’t keep people entertained for long. #thambibreakup already stopped trending a few days ago.

“Bambi? You good?”

Rubbing your eyes, you passed the phone to Natasha without another word. Your head was pounding from the effort it took not to cry.

She hummed as she stared down at the phone, though she looked up in surprise as she heard more weights crashing to the ground.

Across the gym, a blond that you vaguely remembered from some of Sam’s vlogs—Steve?—was doing deadlifts. He wiped his brow as he finished his last rep, smiling bashfully down at the ground as the brunet—Bucky, if your memory was right—rushed over.

“You’re steadily dead lifting three hundred pounds, man,” he said, fist bumping the other.

And it was like a light bulb went off in Natasha’s head. “Steve! Get over here!”

Sam eyed his girlfriend suspiciously. “What are you up to?”

“I’m fixing Bambi’s problem, and getting Steve out of the house and the gym,” she said under her breath, before turning to where the man was jogging towards the three of you, the brunet following close behind.

“Hey, Nat, what’s up?” He asked, grabbing his water bottle and chugging down half of it.

You tucked your phone into your hoodie pocket, figuring it’d be rude to be on it when you were getting introduced to new people.

“Steve, this is my best friend, Bambi,” she said, pushing you towards him. “Bambi, this is Steve.”

“Hi. Nice to meet you,” you said, smiling sheepishly as you held your hand out for him to shake. Despite the way you presented on your YouTube channel, you were actually rather shy. Meeting new people was nerve wracking and exhausting, to say the least.

“The pleasure’s all mine,” he said, shaking your hand firmly. It surprised you a little when he clasped his free hand over it, squeezing softly as his startling blue eyes met yours.

Your cheeks went red as he realized he’d been shaking your hand for a few moments longer than what was probably considered normal, and he dropped it quickly, rubbing the back of his neck.

“And I’m Bucky,” the brunet said, inserting himself into the conversation. He was grinning, knowing that he had interrupted what one might consider a moment.

“Hi, Bucky, I’m Bambi,” you said with a giggle, your cheeks going red as he shot you a playful wink.

Natasha rolled her eyes at his antics before turning back to the blond. “So, Steve, how would you feel about doing Bambi’s makeup?”

“What?!” You whirled on Natasha, eyes widening.

His brows furrowed as his eyes darted back and forth between the two of you. “I mean… I’m not opposed. What for?”

“Bambi was going to film a Boyfriend Does My Makeup video with Thor Odinson before they broke up last week, and she’s worried about disappointing her viewers while her manager is on her ass about putting out more content.”

“Look, it’s ridiculous,” you said, shaking your head rapidly. “You don’t have—”

“I’d love to.”

“—to do it just because—” You broke off, blinking at him slowly. “Wait… What?”

Steve shrugged, a small smile tugging at his lips. “I’d love to be in your video. I don’t know anything about makeup, but I’ll do my best.”

You couldn’t help but grin. “It kind of makes it better if you don’t know anything.” For just a second, you forgot about all the shit surrounding your breakup as you stared into his eyes.

“Name a time and a place, sugar.”

The next morning, you rushed around your house, desperately trying to make sure there was no sign of your post-breakup-sadness left. You’d spent the night before cleaning your room and scrubbing down the kitchen. There’d been dishes piled up from the past week, covered in whatever you’d managed to make in your stupor after getting through the first few days with zero appetite.

You had just finished setting up your filming room when you heard the knock on your front door. “Coming!” You shouted, bounding down the stairs. Your socked feet slid against the hardwood floor, and you took a deep breath before throwing open the door, revealing Steve. “Hey!”

“Hey, yourself,” he said, before holding up a takeout bag. “I got us lunch. Natasha mentioned that you were dying to try that new sushi place on forty-second, so I figured…”

“You didn’t have to do that,” you said, shock written all over your face. He was already filming a video for your channel as a favor. Not to mention, on such short notice. Hell, you’d never done a collaboration without more than three days’ notice, let alone less than twenty-four hours.

He stepped inside as you led him through, up to the makeup room.

“We can eat while we do the video,” you said, flicking on the light for your filming room. It was a little dimmer than most normal ceiling lights, but you kept it that way since you just used a ring light for your videos anyway. “This is where the magic happens.”

“This is… amazing,” he said with a bit of a laugh as he took in your whole set up. “This is way nicer than the stuff we use on our channels.”

You shrugged, your cheeks going a little red as you sat down on the bench in front of your vanity. “Yeah, but I’m sure your equipment can handle a lot more roughhousing, since it’s used in a gym and everything.”

Steve hummed in response, the trance not breaking for another few seconds.

When he finally took his seat next to you, you let out a long huff of air. “Do we just want to wing it?” You asked, biting your lip.

“Whatever you want, sugar,” he said, his warm smile reassuring you.

After a final nod for confirmation, you grabbed the little remote for your camera and hit the record button. After a second, the little red light appeared and you grinned, immediately jumping into your YouTuber personality. “Hello, gorgeous, and welcome to my channel!” You knew that your subscribers would be able to tell that you were a little bit off, but then again, practically the entire YouTube community knew about the breakup by now. “So, as you can probably tell by the title of this video, we’re going to be doing the Boyfriend Does My Makeup Challenge. But…” You trailed off, motioning to Steve. “This isn’t the usual tall, blond, hunk of a man you’re used to seeing. This is Steve Rogers, A.K.A. one-third of the channel ShieldFitness.”

“Hello!” He said, his blue eyes twinkling. He was kind of mesmerized by just how many products were in front of him, and he could see several makeup towers against the wall, out of view, that definitely held much, much more.

“Steve has so graciously agreed to do this video after Natasha guilt tripped him, because I got dumped,” you said, grinning as Steve barked out a laugh. He clearly hadn’t been expecting how blunt you were going to be with the situation. Your gaze softened a little as you took in the sight of him laughing, his hand clapping over his chest as his nose scrunched up.

He was… quite beautiful.

“So, what do you say we jump right in?”

Steve nodded, letting out one last, breathless chuckle as he tried to regain his composure. “Alright, uh… I have no idea what I’m doing, so we’ll see how this goes.” He stared at the products on your desk for what felt like forever.

“I haven’t put on any products at all. This is my face fresh from the shower.” You suddenly remembered that he had picked you up lunch, and you grabbed the bag. “While you do that, I’m going to unpack some of this food.” While he tried to decide where to start, you continued to talk to the camera, setting take out containers no the vanity, “Can we just talk about how amazing this man is? He almost gets blackmailed into doing this video, and he still brings me food without me asking.”

“Uh… We start with this stuff, right?” He asked, holding up a bottle of lotion. “Natasha puts… something like this on her face before makeup, I think.”

Lotion.

You shrugged, trying not to make a face. “This is all on you, buddy.”

God, you hoped he didn’t put actual lotion on your face.

Helplessly, you watched as he squirted a little bit out onto his fingers, before turning to you. “May I?” He asked, waiting until you nodded to start gently rubbing it into your skin.

The fact that he’d put lotion on your face instead of moisturizer meant that you were going to have to wash your face immediately after, no matter how the makeup turned out. If you left it on for too long, there was no way your face wasn’t going to break out.

“You’re grimacing,” he said with a groan, pursing his lower lip as he finished rubbing the lotion into your face. “I already messed it up, didn’t I?”

“No, no,” you giggled, shaking your head. “Keep going.”

After a moment’s hesitation, he turned back to the neatly organized products. “Uh… Well, this says primer, so that means it has to go first, right?” He frowned, realizing he wasn’t going to get an answer from you and he wasn’t allowed to use his phone.

It was kind of killing you that he was using his fingers for everything so far.

“Can you at least tell me the order you do things in?” He asked, looking a little overwhelmed. “Because my ex did her makeup face, eyebrows, eyes, lips. But Natasha does it eyebrows, eyes, face, lips when she does it at our house.”

“I do it how Natasha does it.” You took the momentary break to snatch a takeout container marked ‘spider roll’ and a pair of chopsticks.

He nodded, scanning the vanity until he found what he must’ve been looking for. “Okay, eyebrows.” He held up a little Anastasia Dipbrow, and you could’ve wept with happiness at his choice.

There was hope for him, yet.

Steve took a moment to dig through your brushes, before picking out a Morphe M124 brush—a firm shadow brush definitely not meant for eyebrows. “So, how’d you get the name ‘Bambi?’” He asked as he leaned in close, carefully bringing the brush to your brows. His breath smelled of mint gum, and his hand was a pleasant warmth against your face.

“Because Nat says I’m the clumsiest person she’s ever met,” you said with a short laugh, trying your best not to mess him up. “She said that I remaindered her of a newborn fawn. We actually became friends because I tripped and spilled queso all over her when we were in college, and then sat with her in the laundry room for two hours.

You had no idea what happened with eyeshadow, since he made you close your eyes during the entirety of it. And you were surprised with how well he managed to put on mascara.

“I use this thing, right? And… what’s it called?... I bounce it or something,” he said, brows furrowing as he stared at one of your many Beauty Blenders. He picked out a foundation from the eighteen you had sitting on the vanity, and he carefully began to drag it across your skin.

Dry. He was dragging your dry Beauty Blender across your face.

“I don’t like that you’re biting your lip,” he muttered, though there was an embarrassed smile on his lips.

“Why not?” You laughed.

“It makes me nervous because I know I’m doing something wrong,” he said, his blue eyes flickering up to meet yours for just a second before he quickly looked away again, his cheeks tinging pink.

“You’re doing… fantastic,” you reassured him, though the both of you knew it was only half-true at best.

He shot you a look, and your heart fluttered a little in your chest.

Steve went quiet for a few moments, before asking, “So what happened between you and Thor?” After a second, he quickly added, “You don’t have to tell me. And I don’t know if you like doing jump cuts in your editing or if you even want people to know what happened and—”

“Steve, it’s fine,” you said, effectively cutting him off. You took in a deep breath. “Uh… Well… We just kind of grew apart, I guess. We both want different things from life and, hell, his move out to L.A. just kind of showed us how much it wasn’t working anymore. We’ll always be friends, and I’ll always love him, but… I don’t know. It’s more of a family kind of love now, if that makes sense?”

“It makes total sense.”

“And it was no one’s fault. Truly.” You closed your eyes as you spotted him grab your translucent powder. Usually you used it to bake your face, but he just did an all over dusting. “What we had was really, really good, and I’ve never had anything bad to say about him.” You paused. “Except that sometimes he forgot to put the seat down and I’d fall into the toilet at three in the morning.”

He barked out a laugh, shaking his head in amusement. You could feel him putting on what you hoped was blush and contour, but you had no way to tell without opening your eyes, and you were just enjoying having someone do your makeup for once and not the other way around.

“Okay,” he said after smearing what you prayed was lipstick. “I think I’m done.”

“Alright, let’s see what you’ve done,” you said, pulling out a hand mirror. You’d put the mirror you usually kept in the center of the ring light beneath the vanity, in order to keep yourself from peeking. Your eyes widened as you took in your face, your hand slapping over your mouth.

Your foundation was a little bit thin, with how he’d dragged it across your skin and foregone concealer. Your eyebrows were a good shape, though they were extremely blocked out. Your eyes were alright. He’d gone simple, only using a shimmery pink eye shadow on the lid. But, once again, he hadn’t used concealer to set a base. It didn’t look bad, just not as good as it could’ve gone. There was even a little bit of gold in the corner of your eyes. Your mascara was only covering about half of your lashes, and he hadn’t done your bottom ones, but that was probably out of fear, and you wouldn’t fault him that. Your contour was a little heavy, and your blush almost nonexistent. Your lipstick was… acceptable.

“Ta da,” he said, trailing off as he waited for your reaction.

A laugh bubbled from your lips as you touched your face. “This isn’t the best I’ve seen, but it definitely isn’t the worst,” you said.

“You know what,” he mused, a triumphant grin on his face. “I’ll take it.”

Later that night, after you spent three hours editing everything and posted the video, your phone dinged.

Maria Hill: The Boyfriend Does My Makeup Challenge video was brilliant. No one can shut up about how cute it is.

You hesitated for a moment before muttering, “Fuck it,” and shooting a text off to Steve.

Bambi: Everyone loves the video :)

It took less than two minutes to receive a response.

Steve Rogers: That’s great! Let me know if you ever want to do another video! Goodnight, sugar :)

Bambi: Goodnight, Steve :)

#steve rogers x you #steve x you #steve rogers x y/n #steve x y/n #steve rogers x reader #steve x reader #youtuber!au #youtuber!steve rogers #youtuber!steve #steve rogers fic

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ones-delight · 3 years

Text

A letter to him for the final time.

Lots of raw emotion so I’m just typing whatever I feel lmao.

With the Cancer full moon in effect, I’m really trying my best to release all of my bad feelings out. Going into a new year, I want to confidently release all of the spite, hate, anger, annoyance, frustrations, basically all negative feelings I have towards my ex. Our relationship was not meant to last. I need to accept that 100000% and me continuing to be invested in his life (in a toxic stalkerish way) is not the right way to move forward with my life. I need to stop being in denial (in terms of trying to move forward) and actually start making moves that will be better for me mentally and emotionally in the long run. Especially with the new year coming around, 2021 is a new year full of changes coming up that I need to give my 100%. I will not be able to give my 100% if I continue to sulk about the past, specifically my past relationship with my ex, Eduardo Javier Castillo. My first love, first real boyfriend, who was overall not good for me and God put him in my life for a reason. To learn and teach me what I actually need and value in a relationship. In addition, I keep feeling like I’m making progress, however, I’m not making enough to where I can entirely let go. I need to come to a place where I can completely let go. I continue to feel like I’m making steps forward, but then take 10 steps back. For example, last week when I was in Iowa City, I had a moment where I realized it wasn’t worth my time to be in my fake accounts trying to figure out what he was up to or how he is treating his new girl (Kylie Cameron, girl who also works at KWCH with him). I get gratification seeing what he’s up to, however, every time he “shows her off,” on social media, all I feel is anger, frustration, and quite honestly, jealousy. I continue to play this comparison game of “why did he NEVER do this with me?” or “wow okay so he does this with her but not me?” Anyways, I’m going into a huge rabbit hole because there are just a lot of feelings and thoughts I have that I need to release.

If you’ve made it this far, sorry for my random notes. Let’s get onto the purpose to this post...A letter I want to write to him. I think in order to help me make progress, let’s let all of the feelings I have out. Although I am tempted to send it to him, I really shouldn’t. It is a much better idea that I do not send it to him. He doesn’t deserve anymore of my time or energy. He didn’t honestly since day 1. Even if I were to send it, he will not actually read it. Also, even if I did, he may read it but do nothing about it. God, as I am typing this I’m literally contemplating sending it to him. fuck me lmao. I REALLY SHOULDN’T BECAUSE I’VE WRITTEN LETTERS TO HIM BEFORE BUT HE NEVER SAID ANYTHING. Ok you know what I’ll keep thinking and I’ll just do what I keep doing, do what feels right. also, even if I do it and it’s not a good idea, FUCK IT. I do what I want. Dear Eduardo,

You’re probably thinking “I never want to hear from her again.” or “what the fuck does this bitch want.” or even “why can’t this bitch leave me alone?” I think these are things you’d say because you’ve actually stated these words to/about me. Anyways, I reflected on 2020 and been thinking about the people who have impacted me. Going into 2021, it’s going to be a full year of changes for me and in order for me to put my 100% into my future, I need to actively work through letting go of my past. I hope you remember that I’m not a Ph.D in letting go (lmao), so this is the one of the ways that felt right for me in order to continue moving forward without looking back and finally put past experiences to rest. I hope you take the time to listen and reflect on what I’m about to share.

Although it’s been over a year since you’ve ended our relationship, I’m still hurt. Mainly by the choices you’ve made, especially since you were my first. You know how seriously I take relationship things and I’m caught in between being grateful and hate that you were the person who had to be my first. You’ve taught me an incredible amount about myself and relationships that I will always cherish. You also hurt me in multiple ways that I never expected someone (who claims to have loved me & cared about me so deeply) to do. I think about the ways you’ve gaslighted me in numerous situations that made me question my own worth/value, cheated on me with multiple women throughout our relationship (Jennelle Brown..Victoria Farr…Ashley Walker just to name a few), hid info and lied to me multiple times instead of being honest, kept me a secret (i.e. refused to allow me to meet any of your friends, allow me to post about us/you yourself never post about me on social media where people who’d actually know you would see), and overall, were not willing to let me be a part of your life. What was worse for me was not understanding these things until after you’ve broken my heart. (Side Note: Especially the cheating….You knew what would completely destroy me due to my past, yet, you still chose to cheat on me with multiple women..We’ve had numerous conversations about how “we” could never understand why someone would cheat on their partner and you acted like you wouldn’t when you were cheating behind closed doors the whole time..) You even allowed your insecurities gaslight yourself of my intentions such as you telling me “you’re making power moves and I’m not.” I never thought of myself as ever being better than you. You were always as someone who I saw motivation, ambition, and admiration for the work you’re trying to achieve. I’ve always viewed you as someone who always standing besides me.

You claimed we had a great relationship; no cheating involved, ended on mutual terms, when we both know that is not the truth. I can understand why you lied to me and people in your life (to protect yourself while you actively paint me as the bad person), but why are you lying to yourself? Why do you deny the actual truth of your own choices? Anyways, I was invested in you to be my life-long partner, not to be another woman’s man. I hope you will always remember that I’ve fought for us, for you, and never gave up when we were together even during times when you made it extremely hard for me. I did this because loved you with my whole heart. I always tend to look at the good in people, but I’ve finally accepted that you were never truly a good partner or person with wholesome intentions.

I do also want to acknowledge my own wrongdoings. I was not the perfect girlfriend. I’m the most imperfect person who has an eternity membership to the hot mess express. My biggest flaw were my emotions. I have contributed to times where it was hard for you to also stand by me. I do want to put in the space that all I wanted was your time, effort, love, honesty and support. You gave me that during the first few months of us dating, however, you stopped as we continued to progress. I continued to fall for you while you were falling out of love the moment, we stepped out of the honeymoon phase. You even admitted to me that you never wanted me from the beginning because you felt “forced” to be in a relationship with me. It still hits me like a train knowing you never truly wanted me, but continued to string me along…

I’d be surprised if you’ve made it this far. There is still so much I want to say and ask “why?”, but we’d be here for 20 centuries. As much as I’d like to continue to analyze and understand the whys, I can’t continue to put myself in a position where I cannot fully embrace the letting go process. Overall, I want to thank you (but also say in a sarcastic way that I hate you at the same time lol) for entering my life. I know we re-added each other back on social media in April, but the more I continued to see you and Lila progress in your relationship, the more it hurt me even though I simply wanted to be your friend so I had chosen to remove you a second time in June. I removed you from Facebook and unfollowed you on Instagram. I didn’t unfollow you on twitter since you don’t use twitter. I promise I didn’t remove you out of spite, I removed you for my own well-being (again, took a lot out of me). I did try to re-add you back on Facebook in November because I thought I was ready, but I really wasn’t so I removed you again (sorry but not really lmao). I’ve also noticed you’ve blocked me on all forms of social media so I hope it’s not for the same reason of being salty with me especially since I did just try to re-add you back on Facebook just for me to immediately remove you again lmao.

Finally, if you ever needed anything, please don’t hesitate to reach out. If it’s 2 months or 50 years later, please know that you can reach out. I don’t have it in me to deny someone asking for help (even if they’ve done me extremely dirty). I don’t have the heart to do so. I don’t expect us to remain friends because you still continue to never outreach to me on your own, so I do just want to put in the space that if you do need anything, I’ll still always do my best to help. I wish you all the best as you continue to progress in your career and your future adventures in life. I hope you and your family stay safe and well.

Sincerely, Cass.

#personal

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unproduciblesmackdown · 4 years

Text

also i’ve been mulling over the “we’re Living ex machina!!!!” line and like, it still doesn’t make sense Really, but here’s my Afternoon Musings i guess

i’ve only actually seen ex machina once like 3 years ago but as i remember it goes a little something like This: some rando white-collar programmer guy has like, won a contest where the prize is to go hang out for maybe a few days or a week or so with this ~visionary genius~ tech dude played by oscar isaac at oscar isaac tech dude’s off-the-grid reclusive mansion or whatever.......i thiiiink the Protag Programmer won b/c his programming submission was Really Good but also maybe there’s a [randomly selected] element to it, or maybe we Think it was partly random selection but then learn it was actually All “yeah i chose you b/c your coding was the Best,” idk. doesn’t really matter but anyway yeah protag guy gets helicoptered in to the oscar isaac genius bro’s secret mansion

oscar isaac soon reveals he has this advanced ai android whomst he wants the Protagonist to study / turing test, and the protagonist does that, but during one Conversation Session with this android (who is named ava i think? and designed to Look Like a Woman oo) like the lights turn off and ava-i-think informs the protagonist she’s found a Weakness in the mansion’s security system and hackt it so that the power (and thus the Security / Monitoring Systems) shut down for a minute like this but could feasibly be thought of as a glitch and anyways she’s like yeah i have feelings and thoughts and i want to Not Be Trapped here, ya gotta help me out here buddy, and then yknow ooh the systems come back on, oscar isaac can Observe them again, intrigue.....tl;dr protag and ava keep having these short secret convos and Do plan to break her out, there’s this dramatic moment where oscar isaac (who’s natch been acting weirder and more erratic as the plot unfolds) confronts the protag after the protag has just like, tried to get him blackout smashed by Hanging Out With Him lmfao and oscar isaac is like “ooh i knew you were planning to break her out, i’m gonna stop you guys though haha pwned” but then oh further twist, turns out ava and protag Knew that was the case and were thinking one step ahead and idk but yeah they break her out and oscar isaac dies but ooh further twist!!! ava locks the protag (or well, just Does Not Unlock, As Planned) in some room and leaves the mansion and gets on the Helicopter meant to take the protag back to wherever after the planned end of his stay. and the protag is just stuck there b/c everyone else is dead and presumably he dies as ava gets to exist in the outside world now, idk, we don’t need ex machina 2 where he’s escaped or smthing lmao

and i do NOT get what winston is comparing their situation to lmfao. like, oh rian is like an advanced ai android??? if anything, her being the more like ~true believer in High Finance as a means of socially beneficial effect~ vs winston like, having the supposedly cutthroat and cold Math approach would make Him more of the ~oh no more a robot than a person~ (though i think it’s Ambiguous whether we wanna judge ava as more Scary Bad or Sympathetic).........you can’t even really make the connection that “oh no we’re being deliberately Replaced!!” b/c if winston is [protag programmer rando] and rian is [ava] and wendy is, i guess oscar isaac then, uhhhh oscar isaac most definitely did Not intend to ~replace~ the protag with ava, he very much wanted her trapped in his mansion still........and the protagonist Only got “replaced” by ava in the sense that she took his place on the helicopter out of the reclusive secret mansion. i really doubt she planned to, or would even be able to, like take over his identity/life beyond that.....certainly not his job lol like, coworkers are gonna notice you’re a different person, there was no implication the androids can like oh shapeshift their appearance or whatever, and no implications about what ava even intended to do in the Outside World which is kind of bemusing b/c like, what of the Practical Questions of being an android and needing whatever Fuel Source a robot does, idk that might’ve been addressed or smthing like “oh yeah they can just Eat,” also she clearly does not Trust People considering her only company was evil oscar isaac creator and she wasn’t interested in bringing the protag along, plus yknow the fact that she Did deliberately manipulate the protag into thinking that she wanted to escape into the world With him........but not like i guess she has any choice for any other world to escape into but the one with all the people where she pretends to be an organic human

like there is just NO point of comparison where these situations line up unless you get soooooooo like broad strokes about ex machina that you’d do better to compare your experience to Anything else lmao. like, does winston think she’s some like, ideal advanced version of him?? like you might consider a crafted AI android to be?? i don’t know but i mean i think we have a more feasible explanation for why he’s so Insistent about this totally being Ex Machina, if only b/c as a straightforward comparison i swear to god it doesn’t work lmfao None of these points line up at all with any significance that’s worth insisting on

given that winston’s Apparently Canonically meant to be crushing on rian, and we have his example of ribbing her by calling her “gal gadot’s quirky sister” which is like, okay so the dunk is “you look similar to this famous a-lister who everyone thinks is pretty” and “also you’re quirky, boom” like, i think that could easily be meant as like, a Tell that winston already ~likes~ her.............aaaand it’s also somewhat ~ambiguous~ but i mean i think it’s safe to say that in Ex Machina you may understand the protag as having Fallen For the ai android lady. so maybe we can Understand this invocation of ex machina as being like “ooh person meant to replace me is Attractive but ultimately i think this Overall Situation is a bad thing i shouldn’t feel this way i resent it” like, a bit of a Reach, but honestly it’s way more of a reach to think about applying anything else about this scenario to ex machina, so i could v much believe that the thought that went behind writing this is once again, like, “okay winston’s invoking one thing on the surface level here, but simultaneously he’s already (inadvertently probably) acknowledging like oh also i have a crush on her already”

between this episode seeming to be Setup and the [winston has a Canon crush] and the fact that it probably seems like They Will Fuck A Nonzero Number Of Times or Make Out At Least But It’s Billions So, Might Get A Humorous Cut To [Postcoital] Or A Scene Where They Arrive At Work Together Short Of Breath With Messy Hair And Hickies And Winston’s Got A Hoodie W/ “Property Of Rian” On It Until He Goes "Oh Shit Woops” And Hands It To Her And She’s Like “Oh Btw You Forgot Your Glasses.....Uh You Left Them Here On Your Desk Yesterday I Mean Of Course” And Hands Them To Him And An Unnamed Character Stands Up And Asks “Daily Poll: Who Had Sex With A Coworker Last Night” And Rian And Winston Raise Their Hands Before Going “Oh Wait” And Lowering Them With A Shake Of The Head And A Nervous Cough and i’m exaggerating but you know, the equivalent of the billions writing saying “wwinnnk” at us. i am fine with them having an unsolemn like, quasi-rivals-to-lovers (or -And-lovers) dynamic, even with it being a bit messy in like, still an overall Fun way, where yknow it doesn’t have to be peak epic romance cuz a) that’s just Always true and yet it can still be overall an okay thing even if they don’t quite get it together / mostly just trade sparks and sometimes hook up and b) idk seems like mayybe rian’s character isn’t meant to go beyond this season, so, an inherent limit there if true

i’m like Apologetic for being like “already i like their dynamic even as Romantique and it’s kinda cute and fun and i’m willing to continue to be engaged w/ this as long as the writing doesn’t completely fuck it up” lmao like, i guess i Did inadvertently give myself time to prepare for this exact eventuality b/c of wondering if this exact character would have A Thing w/ winston whenever she showed up and even if i was like “haha the character could show up Anywhere and do Anything and what are the odds, right” i was also like “hmm but i’m going to really think about it though” like, as always, didn’t think i was cassandraing that hard, but truly did do it 4x03 style where everyone else can be like “you never [made the text post or gave any indication you were thinking about “what if whoever she plays and winston have some kind of romance thing going on”]” and i can go “i only thought it but didn’t say it....doesn’t count” but well. i did think it lmao and why would i make it up.......sorry i had such a head start on Getting More Used To This Notion.......some crimes can never be forgiven.meme.......

anyways natch “intense horrible passionate” seems a little foreboding but maybe she was talking about it relative to [any Normal show] rather than the standards we’re used to on billions, where this was all but a Meet Cute, and a kind of quasi coworker rivalry where nobody’s taking it *that* deeply seriously and they also seem to mutually like each other by the end of 5x05 already so how not-amicable can it get. and re: Intense like, maybe the writing in future episodes will totally upend this, but i’d say rian and winston in 5x05, even when “clashing,” was like damn near laidback and chill. neither of them seem at all that pressed, but maybe even a sorta-playful Friendly Rivalry is more “intense” than, say, a dynamic that involves no rivalry at all. imo “Passionate” is just like, okay, so they’ll fuck or at least make out? sure. not sure what to make of “horrible” lmfao maybe again it’s addressing like “this is a lil messy and they’re kinda rivals!!!” like, certainly not an ideal start, except by billions standards it IS weirdly great. rian seeming good-naturedly amused by winston is something we didn’t get from his longtime-coworkers until like, now, sort of, and still not to the degree that anyone has smiled at him as many times as rian did in like that course of [1 min long First Scene Together] wherein also winston always gets off to a way worse start with people lmao............like everything about this seems Way Better And More Dialed Back And Grounded than usual, actually. but it’s that like, point of reference of “what’s Usual for winston and, more broadly, Billions” that maybe explains this weirdly strong language when all in 5x05 seemed chill actually

anyways like i said Sorry For Already Liking Rian/Winston This Much with my head start and all where like, i’m even tentatively looking forward to seeing where this goes, by “tentative” i also mean going [”i’ll kill you” the office.jpg] at billions where i am fully aware that maybe where this goes *is* a mess and not in like, just kind of a fun, non-melodramatic, not-treated-like-a-total-joke-but-also-not-that-big-a-deal way, where 5x05 could seem like Those Halcyon Days b/c everything from here out just devolves into an unappealing disaster.......but this is an unexpectedly solid start imo and like. even if this doesn’t become like this epic romance where they officially date and if rian does eventually depart the show by the end of the season, it can still just be Enjoyable and Fun for the characters and, god forbid, the viewers, where like, you don’t have to demand we be desperately invested with our entire life in this deadly serious heartwrenching epic romance, they can just kind of mess around and enjoy having a mutual attraction w/ this mathy rivalry and etc and it’s neither a tragedy of “the greatest love story of all time torn asunder” Or, truly god forbid,” this is a Whole Mess In A Bad Way b/c winston’s involved and ugh who could Really like him, being at all romantically entangled is an embarrassing mistake surely, ew cringe we hate him............like, cautiously optimistic in how like i always say that a Romantic Arc is just an easy/efficient way to develop both characters and it could certainly humanize winston an ounce in a show that treats him more like a walking algorithmic plot device and the thoughts of any viewers but us are limited to “winston annoying” basically........the show doesn’t seem to treat rian as a joke, so it seems possible that their mutual Romance in whatever way it unfolds could also be Not A Joke, which means winston’s part in it isn’t a joke, so that’s Some aspect of him for people to take seriously, for once..........like, the way his apparently-already-official crush played out in 5x05 *was* funny but it also didn’t seem like oh it’s a joke b/c his feelings are a total joke......it might seem that way if this *was* totally unrequited and going nowhere, but i somewhat get the sense that the interest is mutual even by the end of the ep, that didn’t strike me as a “shove off, it could Never Happen” shutdown from rian there, just like, hold off on that for rn maybe cue to rein it in a little, not just yet........anyways lmao i’m like “oh yeah i started this post about the baffling ex machina thing” but yeah the point is i think so far it’s pretty solid and i like it and am cautiously but [relative-to-billions level of Hopeful] about whatever developments we’re surely gonna get b/c it def sounds like this has Not ended with 5x05, but seriously @ billions i swear to god. yes so far the approach to winston’s crush here and even their unfolding mutual dynamique and dare i say, romantic interest, is being handled with an encouraging level of “this is Humorous but the characters / their feelings are not what’s being treated as A Total Joke or anything,” but who knows what will come next, this is billions and you can’t predict anything. fingers crossed about it all, though

#winston billions #i'm enjoying what we have so far anyways While I Can #still billions-grade Hopeful that it will continue to be enjoyable.......#i can imagine that things could continue to unfold in a fairly cute & fun way. i am already somewhat Doing So b/c i like them enough already #have enough gentle optimism that i absolutely can be let down by next week's developments...........We Shall See #seriously just tl;dr i'm not the least bit sure what the ex machina thing means. tentative ''it's as much a Clue that winston already kinda #is crushing as much as idk.....meaning anything else at all'' lmao.........like okay whatever it's billions just roll w/ the weird refs #like the seeming nascar-or-whatever related one whomever taylor was talking about tony womsthever from 2005?? i didnt research too much into #that like i don't need to know cuz idc and Why Would They.....maybe it's like wendy making the unnecessary metallica reference 4 sec later #where everyone's just automatically in [unnecessary references] mode.........#riawin

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inevitably-johnlocked · 5 years

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What are your favorite johnlock fics of all time?

Ohhhh.

Ohhh noo.

Nonny you’re cruel.

Okay so funny story:

Someone asked me this exact thing a couple years ago.

I started a fic rec list offline at that time

Said list kept growing and growing as I decided to start sorting my fics.

It’s now a couple years later, and the list has over 300 fics on it XD.

So you see my dilemma LOL.

I have done a few fic lists in the past along this vein:

Top 20 Fave 40K+ w. Fics (April 2017 )

Ten Fave Short Johnlock Fics (Easy Reads April 2018)

25 Fave Johnlock One Shots (April 2018)

Top 10 Fave Fics (September 2018)

So what should I do today? How about the fics I ALWAYS re-read when I feel like I just need something familiar and oh so delicious? Would that be okay? Fics that I never hesitate to read again? Note that this list will probably change in a few months’ time as I re-read newer fics I’ve recently bookmarked; if I’m in a certain mood, a fic will get added and another removed, LOL. In fact, I’ve had this sitting in my drafts from quite awhile before I finally posted it, LOL. Waited a week, because my “feels” kept changing, HAH!

I have WAY more than 30 of these, but I had to stop somewhere! So here’s the criteria for these ones today:

I’ve read them more than 5 times since I bookmarked them

I read them start to finish, without skipping anything even though I know what happens.

That’s it. It’s just so I can keep my list down, LOL. Seriously, I love SO many fics that this list was HARD to do. Hope you enjoy!

I-J’s TOP 30 READ-AGAIN FICS (MARCH 2019)

The Strait of Juan de Fuca by mightypog (T, 6,400 w. || Vacation, Love Confessions, Friends to Lovers, Canada, Post-TRF, Love Confessions) – Sherlock is back and all seems forgiven, but something is missing between him and John. Their friendship initially appears intact, but Sherlock doesn’t understand why John seems to be slipping away. Finally, in terror, he tries to reconnect with John by taking him to the one place that seems to inspire any emotional interest in John any more: the Canadian wilderness. While there, Sherlock faces his greatest fear.

Fa Subito by kim47 (E, 6,659 w. || Suit Porn, Cockblocker Mycroft, Obsessed Sherlock, PWP) – John wears a suit. Sherlock finds it extremely distracting.

Bread and Wine and Curry Once a Week by cwb (E, 8,737 w. || Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Stroppy Sherlock, Love Letters, POV John) – Sherlock asks John for relationship advice. Little does he know that it’s him that Sherlock is in love with.

The Emergency Contact Series by blueink3 (M, 11,763 w. across 2 works || 5 and 1′s, Whump, Mutual Pining, Fluff and Angst, Caring Sherlock / John, Scars) – The first time John Watson’s emergency contact is called is the first time Sherlock Holmes finds out that he has the job. The first time Sherlock Holmes realizes he needs an emergency contact is the first time he mentally appoints John Watson with the job.

Iris by slashscribe (E, 11,948 w. | Parentlock, Pining Sherlock, Post-S3) – Sherlock does his best to make John happy when John comes back to 221B with his new baby after the events of Season 3, but Sherlock has a track record of getting things wrong in this area. This story is an exploration of their gradual shift from friends to lovers, told from Sherlock’s perspective, full of a lot of pining and lack of emotional awareness.

Speaker for the Bees by antietamfalls (M, 14,649 w. || Deaf Sherlock, Friends to Lovers, First Kiss / Time, Fluff, Sign Language) – It isn’t always easy assisting a deaf detective. Luckily for John, they make a pretty good team.

A Hundred Thousand Ways to Say the Name John by Jberry (E, 16,825 w. || Fake Relationship, Fake Marriage, POV John, Pining John, Cruise Ship, Angst & Fluff) – John Watson and Sherlock Holmes must solve a case on a cruise ship. To get close to the crew and passengers, they must get married for the case on the Baetica. However, their relationship hits rocky seas both due to the case and internal conflicts. Part 1 of Baetica

A Shipless Ocean by myswordfishmind (M, 22,135 w || Post-TRF, John has a Kid) – Ten years after the fall Sherlock goes back to London to find that John no longer lives there. Instead, he resides in a seaside town, a widower, and the father of a seven year old son. Now, Sherlock must struggle with the fact that there may no longer be a place for him in this new world.

Knotted by naughtyspirit (E, 23,166 w. || UST/URT, Cuddling, Sharing Body Heat, Confessions, Kissing, Mastrubation, Frustration, BAMF!John) – John has to cancel a date because of Sherlock’s case, which leads them to be tied up in a basement from which they have to escape. They get wet, get tied up close and John has to step up and save them. Because he’s pretty. And hot. And just a little bit of a BAMF.

Tomorrow’s Song by agirlsname (M, 24,645 w. || Post-TRF, POV Sherlock, Angst with a Happy Ending, Virgin / Repressed Sherlock, Love Confessions, Slow Burn, Pining) – How can he think a relationship with me would be a good idea? I am the sort of person to take a break from my life and when I come back after two years, I expect to find it exactly as I left it. In reality I find it shattered to pieces. (I actually equate you with my life. When did I start doing that?)

26 Pieces by Lanning (E, 28,236 w. || H/C, Torture, First Time, Happy Ending, Schmoop) – Mycroft gives Sherlock the apparently simple task of solving a puzzle box containing a stolen microchip. It isn’t simple.

Hitting the Water at Sixty Miles an Hour by what_alchemy (E, 30,568 w. || Fake Rel., Roadtrips, Slow Burn, Mummy Holmes) – “You love your mother, Sherlock?” John watched the muscles in Sherlock’s jaw jump. He nodded in one sharp jerk.“Then we’re going to her party and making her happy.” John let out a resigned sigh. “As a ruddy couple, you bastard.”

A Study In Auto-Signatures, Sniper Dolphins, and Sex Holidays by cwb (E, 32,690 w. || Case Fic, Post S3, Evil Mary, Dev. Rel., Honeymoon, Epistolary, Bottomlock, First Kiss / Time, Fluff, Secret Agents, BAMF!John) – John and Mary go on their sex holiday, and Sherlock is grumpy and pining about it. Part 1 of HOT DOLPHIN SEX

a good old-fashioned happy ending by darcylindbergh (E, 32,731 w. || Christmas, Frottage, Comfort, Est. Rel., Fluff, Insecure Sherlock) – For Christmas this year, Sherlock wants to get John something special: something every fairytale deserves. Part 2 of things fairy tales are made of

The Yellow Poppies by SilentAuror (E, 34,952 w. || H/C, Nightmares, HLV Fix-It, PTSD, Trauma, POV Sherlock, Doctor John) – Sherlock is threatened and assaulted in the hospital immediately after having been shot in the heart, first by Mary, then by Magnussen. As he recovers at Baker Street with John and plans the attack on Appledore with Mycroft, he fights to work through the trauma caused by these two visits. Set during His Last Vow.

LHR-HNL by scullyseviltwin (E, 35,066 w. || Hawaiian Vacation, Post-TRF, Friends To Lovers, Slow Burn, Just Talk Already, Drinking, Mutual Pining) – In need of an endangered flora sample, Sherlock and John must make a trip to an unexpected destination.

Classified(s) by blueink3 (E, 36,153 w. || Wedding Date AU || Fake Relationship, Jealous, PIning, H/C, Idiots in Love, Happy Ending, Mary is not Nice, Escort Service) – Clara’s American father is the ambassador to some such territory that Great Britain probably used to own, but she (and Harry’s undying love for her) is the reason John is getting on a flight at 12:30pm, flying across the second largest ocean in the world, and pretending to be in a perfectly happy, healthy relationship with an undoubtedly perfectly coiffed stranger. See, Clara is not only American (and wealthy to boot), she’s also best friends with John’s ex-fiancée. Whom she’s placed in the wedding party. As Maid of Honor. And John just happens to be Best Man. Bloody brilliant.

A Promise Made to Be Broken by PlantsAreNeat (E, 37,018 w. || Fake Relationship, Pining, Slow Burn, RST, Eventual Relationship, POV Sherlock) – A young John makes an ‘if we’re still single at 40, we’ll get together’ pledge to a woman who ends up all wrong for him. She keeps reminding him of the promise, and won’t let go of it. John asks Sherlock to pose as his boyfriend at a family wedding, so as to dash her hopes permanently. Sherlock, who has at last acknowledged his feelings for John, reluctantly agrees despite knowing how painful it will be to ‘have’ John, but not keep him.

Goodness Gives Extras by mydwynter (E, 39,629 w. || Fluff & Angst, Case Fic, Oral / Anal, Humour, First Time, Miscommunication, Snark, Christmas) – Christmas time. ‘Tis the season to settle down with a drink, some food and a present or two, and to enjoy the quiet relaxation of the holiday. Instead, there’s a case that drags them all over, missing presents, disappointed kids, angry parents, and a freak snowfall. On top of that John has to deal with Sherlock, who is being even more of a prat than usual. He really shouldn’t have expected anything different.

Right Hand Man by SilentAuror (E, 42,031 w. || H/C, Injury, Slow Burn, Infidelity, Mary is Not Nice) – When John’s left arm becomes paralysed after a car accident, Mary asks Sherlock to take him back to Baker Street to recuperate, as she’s about to give birth. Despite the fact that the search for Moriarty is ongoing, Sherlock takes John in and takes responsibility for overseeing his rehabilitation as he adjusts to the loss of his arm.

Left by lifeonmars (M, 45,153 w. || Magical Realism) – John Watson is left-handed. He’s tried not to let it affect his life, but as any Lefty knows, that’s almost impossible.

Corpus Hominis by mycapeisplaid (E, 47,709 w. || Casefic, Fluff, Romance, Frottage) - John knows the human body intimately. He’s had plenty of opportunity for study as a doctor, soldier, and lover. There’s one particular body, however, he knows very little about. When Sherlock launches himself head-first into a new obsession and they get sent on a case in an unlikely location, the pair discovers each other’s bodies with confusing yet delightful (and sometimes hilarious) results.

Triage by scullyseviltwin (E, 51,612 w. || Character Injury, Introspection) – Sherlock’s mind goes exceedingly, devastatingly quiet and gray-blank. When he speaks it’s through a thick haze, it’s through molasses, he’s so disconnected from the words that it may as well be the unconscious shooter speaking.

Spare Change by Ermerness (E, 51,966 w. || Rich Sherlock AU, Virgin Sherlock, First Time, Alternate First Meeting) – The Holmes family is one of the richest and most powerful in England. Sherlock spends his time flying around the world on the family’s private jet drinking a lot and shopping at expensive boutiques as a way of trying to alleviate his endless boredom. His mother decides it’s time he settles down with someone powerful, wealthy and well connected. John Watson happens to be none of those things.

Coventry by standbygo (E, 52,020 w. || Dollhouse AU || Case Fic, Slow Burn, Sci-Fi / Fantasy, First Kiss / Time, Attempted Rape, BAMF John, Falling in Love) – “Let me get this straight,” John said, wondering when his life had become a science fiction film. “Some guy orders up a personality, a person, to his specifications, and they program this into a real live person, who has consented to do this, and she goes to this person and acts as his wife, or lawyer, or Royal Marine, or Navy Seal or what have you, and she has all the skills, all the knowledge, everything? Then you say the magic words, and she follows you back to The House, and they erase it all until her next appointment?”

Wars We Fought, Things We’re Not by blueink3 (M, 55,204 w. || Parentlock, Fluff & Angst, Kidnapping, Whump, Post-TAB, UST, Slow Burn, Couple for a Case) – Five months after John’s world has fallen apart, Mycroft sends the consulting detective and his doctor on a case that neither is prepared for.

Perdition’s Flames by i_ship_an_armada (E, 63,435 w., || Treklock AU, Est. Rel, Genetic Engineering, Angst & Fluff, BAMF!John) – Sherlock would do anything to save him. Risk anything. Give anything. His money, his life. His soul. What he does, though, is change both of their destinies forever. Genetic re-engineering is the only option left. It turns out researchers underestimated the life expectancy and potential abilities of genetically re-engineered subjects. The British government and what would eventually become the United Federation of Planets, however, had not. Part 1 of PF Universe

You Have Drawn Red From My Hands by J_Baillier (T, 67,085 w. || Three Garridebs, Heavy John Whump, Hurt / Comfort, Pining, Heavy Angst, Case Fic/Adventure, Slow Burn, Sick Fic, Injury, Guilt & Depression, Just Talk Already Please, Medical Realism, PTSD) – John getting injured leads Sherlock on a path of guilt and revelations.

Shatter the Darkness (Let the Light In) by MojoFlower (E, 109,683 w. || Genie/Djinn AU || Magical Realism, H/C, Kidnapping, Genie Sherlock, First Kiss / Time, Case Fic, H/C, Angst, Clubs, John Whump) – Fairy tales are for those who remember how to dream; not John Watson, broken and hiding from his bleak future in a beige bedsit. But then he discovers a lamp and finds himself in the dangerous riptide of an enigmatic man whose very existence is unbelievable, murder charges against his sister, and the growing pains of feeling alive once more.

Midnight Blue Serenity by BeautifulFiction (E, 151,907 w. || Friends to Lovers, Gay Bar / For a Case, Drugs, Pining, Case Fic, UST) – When Sherlock infiltrates a club in order to track down a serial killer, his altered appearance is enough to make John question his assumption that Sherlock is beyond his reach. However, is he the only one who appreciates his flatmate’s charms, or is Sherlock at risk of becoming the next victim?

#steph replies #johnlock fic recs #my fic recs #fave fics #Anonymous #fic rec sunday #top fics

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mental-health-advice · 4 years

Text

Submission about break up

I been struggling a lot. I don’t always share it with friends/family. Im the type of person that sometimes needs to struggle on their own before asking for help or a listening ear. **I just want to say that I have had counseling for about four or five years. And I have had help with my addiction. I think I’m just looking for a listening ear maybe.**

Last year during July 2019 I was going thru a lot with my boyfriend at the time. July was awful. My boyfriend and I would argue all the time. He’d like find faults in things I did. We’d argue also because he’d disappear for hours or days in msgs or cancel last minute. He was always on vacation but never made time for me. I started getting fed up with him. He blew me off on my birthday. Complained abt chilling etc. Then this continued on thru October. Same shit different month. Things got worse and I got so stressed out.

It kind of felt like he was waiting for me to break up with him. I had made plans with him throughout the summer and it seemed like anything I planned he didn’t want to do. I was recovering from an addiction. And whenever I had milestones I wanted to celebrate with him but he would make it about himself or he would complain that he would have to show up. I don’t know if he knew what he was doing. But he threw too many Tantrums. I loved him dearly. But I couldn’t handle being stressed etc.

In November I ended up taking a break with him. The only thing different was he really didn’t care what I was doing. He had ignored me so much more. So he asked to meet up and I ended things in December.

So now seven or eight months later I’ve been struggling so much.

The Break-Up wasn’t Mutual. But he really didn’t do anything to stop it. When we did talk he told me that he didn’t see it coming. That he thought everything was great between us. But how can everything be great if he’s not even there or that we argued all the time.

After December we stayed friends on social media. He started making ex-girlfriend comments and posts. And then started telling people about my personal problems and about my Mental Health. All his friends started attacking me through social media telling me how awful I was and that I should be ashamed for breaking up with him. And then he started stalking me in person. And then he started threatening me. Telling me that he’ll end his life if I talk to him anymore. So I disappeared. I was trying to re recover from my addiction. I wasn’t getting any help at that time but I was fine with having friends and stuff help me.

But now here we are in July 2020 and everyone wants me to feel okay. Everyone wants me to be happy never be sad. Today I’m celebrating 200 days clean. But I’m feeling every emotion possible. I am proud of how far I have come. But am also missing my ex-boyfriend. Even though a good chunk of our relationship at the end was really bad I do miss having him and his company.

It feels so weird not having him by my side. I know him and I will never again be back together. And I think that’s one thing that destroys me.. the last 6 months of us dating his entire personality and human being changed. He acted like I owed him. It kind of felt like he owned me. And that I had no say of anything. And even though he was a huge huge jerk, sometimes I still miss him. And then when I left him he became what he said he would never be.

This isn’t my first break up with someone but this is my first serious legit relationship. We dated for four years. But I never expected to end things with him. I thought the worst thing would be taking a break with him. But when he walked away after the relationship I knew he was done.

Sometimes the not knowing things kill me down inside. From December to now(july) we’ve talked about 10 or 15 times just through a text and most of the times he started the conversation. He claims that he knew I was going to end things with him.

And I guess everything still hurts. I don’t know if he said things out of anger or frustration but a lot of the things he said to me after The Break-Up really destroyed me. He told me he never understood my addiction and just thought that if he lied about understanding me that I would stop talking about it.

Do you think I still have a right to be sad about The Break-Up even though it’s been seven or eight months?

I feel like I’m losing my mind over this. Thanks for listening though.

Hey lovely,

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been struggling. I’m proud of you for reaching out for help. I can imagine that it’s easier to reach out to us than it is to your friends and family. I do hope you’re able to do the latter at some point though, because you deserve their support! It’s also good to hear that you’ve had counselling and have received help for your addiction. We’re definitely here to offer a listening ear, as well as reply with whatever advice we might be able to come up with.

It sounds like you and your boyfriend definitely went through a rough patch. Arguing is no fun at all! And when you’re in a relationship, it’s important to both want to spend time with each other. From what you’ve told me, it doesn’t sound like he wanted to me do that last year. It’s possible that he wasn’t really aware of this at the time, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t hurtful- it is and you’re allowed to be upset by that. It sounds like breaking up with him was a good decision, as the relationship wasn’t coming from both ends and it was upsetting for you.

It’s understandable that breaking up still wasn’t easy though! Break ups hurt, regardless of whether you were the one doing the breaking up. What he’s been doing after the break up, isn’t okay. He shouldn’t share your personal mental health issues with others, that invades your privacy as well as the trust you had placed in him during the relationship. Stalking and threatening you goes even a step further and is definitely not okay!

I’m so proud of you for being 200 days clean! That is absolutely amazing!! Please give yourself a big hug from me.

It’s understandable that you’re dealing with a lot of emotions though. It often is the case that we think back of positive memories and miss those. So while the relationship with your ex was rocky and there were a lot of negative sides to it, it’s understandable you miss the positive sides. This can get worse when you’re feeling a bit lonely and have no one by your side, as then you long to have someone there. He was that person in the past. And while these feelings are understandable, allowed, and valid, it is important to also remember the negative sides and to remember why the two of you shouldn’t be in a relationship.

So yes, I think you have a right to be sad about the break up even though it's been seven or eight months! There is no time limit to feeling upset about these kind of things. Breaking up with someone can be a lot like grief. Even though you don’t lose that person to death, you do lose them. You lose the way they were in your life. And the process you go through after a break up can be very similar to the grieving process. And there is no time limit to the grieving process (if you’d like to read more about that, you can check out our page on grief).

I truly hope that typing this all out and reading my answer helped you and that you feel a bit like a weight has been lifted off of your shoulders. Remember that your feelings are valid and that it’s going to take time to process all this. You’re allowed to feel the way you feel and step by step you’ll start to feel better again. There may be ups and downs, but I believe in you!

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard. Love Pauline

#mental health #advice #advice blog #relationship #break up #ex #ex boyfriend #addiction #mhapauline

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darksidechick823 · 4 years

Note

Fanfic asks: 1,2,3,5,8,9,10,13,14,15,17,18,20 Yep

Wow! Okay. Kudos for being incredibly inquisitive! This should be fun! :D

1. If you’re an author, how many WIPs do you currently have? (Be honest!)

For fanfics, I have just one. Fugitives. However, I do have three Westergaard/Hansanna prompts in the inbox that I’ve reserved some mental planning space.

2. What’s next on your ‘to-read’ list? (Fan fiction or otherwise)

I actually don’t do a lot of reading. I’ve got bookmarks and my favorites list on AO3 and FFnet that I check daily for their updates, but it’s not too often that I actually go through the archives for new stories. I don’t usually have a lot of time to read.

3. Do you prefer canonverse or AUs?

Yes.

5. What’s a crackship you love?

I’m not really sure I have a crackship preference. And aside from Hansanna, I don’t even know if I have a “ship” in any other fandom either.

8. Bed sharing or roommates AU?

Bed sharing!

9. Fake dating or arranged marriage?

Another yes.

10. Mutual pining or enemies to friends to lovers?

1000% YES.

13. Exes or established relationship?

Ooo.... what about exes re-entering an established relationship? Bah. I’ll just go with another “YES.” (By now, you’re probably hating that word xD )

14. (For authors) Post a line of dialogue from one of your WIPs without context.

“Does a madman really need a valid reason to go berserk?”

15. Post the last line you wrote without context.

“You said…” she began, trying to remember earlier conversations, “that we were… going south?”

17. Describe a fic that is still in the ‘ideas’ stage.

I’m working on planning a sequel for “Love Will Thaw”. There’s about 1/2 the story’s plot that I came up with back when the fic first finished. It would revolve around Hans’ brothers and the Westergaard family, but then after seeing Frozen 2, I really want to stick those plot elements in there, too. The two stories would either be bridged together, or it would just be a trilogy-type fanfic. Frozen 2 elements would be tricker to work with. I’d have to --

make it Hansanna (obviously)

make the journey elements actually make sense with all characters involved.

Not sure how well that’ll actually work out, but that’s my intention. But this won’t even start to get written until Fugitives is essentially finished.

18. Do you have a fic reading/writing routine?

For reading? Nah. If I see a fic I like is updated, I’ll read it as soon as I can. If I have extra time, I’ll go through the hansanna tags and see if there’s any new content.

For writing? I’ve been trying to use a notebook first and get most (if not all) of a chapter written down before transferring it to the computer. At least then, when I run out of words to transfer, Iv’e got enough groove going that I can crank out the rest right then and there. Fugitives is the first time I’ve been trying this out, and it’s about 90% successful. Wohoo!

20. Do you have a favorite fanfic or author? If so, tag them/post a link and share the love!

I don’t know if I have a favorite author. But “All That Glitters” by Othellia on FFnet remains one of my favorite Hansanna fics.

#ask box #ask meme #author stuff #thanks for the ask!#Love Will Thaw #Fugitives

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fullmetalscullyy · 5 years

Note

Can I please request some Modern AU with a spoonful of pining/adorkable Roy and tons of fluff? :D :D thank youuuu in advance, Emma!!

so i’ve fallen in love with this oneshot and writing their banter in a modern setting uwu thank you for this tas!!

also i hope the texting reads well in this format ksjdfjk i realise the format is 14:00pm which is a bit redundant but i didnt notice until reading it back on here aaaaand tbh i’ve waited too long to post this and its 10:30pm so i really can’t be bothered changing it at this point

part 2 | part 3

There was an incessant banging on his apartment door.Stumbling through his living room, Roy cursed as he kicked the corner of hiscouch hard, his toe throbbing. His irritation growing by the second, hisvisitor still banging away on thedoor like there was no tomorrow, he wrenched the door open with a glare. Riza,his neighbour, stood on the other side of the door, hand raised and poised toknock again with an impatient expression.

“What?” he growled irritably.

“Hey,” she greeted brightly, unconcerned about the time andthe sacred rite that was a lie in on a fucking Saturday. “Can I ask you a favour?”

“Riza, it’s Saturday morning.”

“And?” Damn her. Dam her and her ability to rise at six inthe morning any day of the week. The woman had probably never slept past sevenbefore in her life. Roy, on the other hand, appreciated and valued his sleep.

“Saturday,” hestressed slowly. He had finished work late last night and had been lookingforward to his sleep. Now it had been ruined by Riza.

They were good friends and hung out frequently. Starting offas neighbours who politely greeted each other every morning, they quicklydiscovered they shared mutual friends, so it was easy for their relationship todevelop. To Roy it had been the most natural thing. The only down side was saidfriends were both couples and they ended up third wheeling any outing theyattended. Through this, however, they had formed a close friendship, which hedeeply valued.

But when she interrupted his morning by loudly banging on his front door for about five minutes instead ofwaiting for a more respectable hour, Riza really tried his patience.

“Good observation,” she quipped. “Anyway, I need a favour,if you’re up for it?”

Roy sighed, admitting defeat. He rubbed his eyes tiredly,resigned to the fact that for the fourteenth day in a row, he had been woken upat six thirty in the morning.

“What?” he asked irritably.

“I’ve got a work thing tonight and I need you to come withme.” Roy narrowed his eyes critically, eyeing her open and honest expression.

“What’s this really about?”

With a sigh, she finally revealed the truth. “You know thatguy I was dating?”

“The stick?”

Riza huffed. “He’s not a stick.”

“Riza, he’s built like a stick.”

“Anyway, it didn’twork out and now I have… a situation.”

It shouldn’t have excited him so much to hear that herrelationship with Stick Man Dan didn’t work out. Roy wasn’t blind, Riza was abeautiful woman. Plus, he adored her as a friend. They had clicked instantlyand the banter they shared was effortless. If things were to progress furtherbetween them, Roy certainly wouldn’t say no.

“A situation?” Roy asked doubtfully, yawning loudly. “Whatkind of situation?”

“Just some friendly stalking, that’s all.”

That woke him up.“He’s stalking you?”

Riza nodded and Roy didn’t miss the briefest flash of worryappear on her face. “Have you gone to the police?”

Riza nodded. “Yeah, of course, but they won’t do anything.”

“Why?” he asked, unable to keep the anger out of his voice.Regardless of his feelings towards Riza, they should be doing something aboutit.

“Apparently until he does something concrete, and there’sevidence, they can’t charge him.”

“Bullshit.”

Riza’s lips quirked upwards. “I’m inclined to agree. Anyway,it’s fine. I can look after myself. My hope was that you could accompany me tothis thing tonight to try and gently tell him that, you know, I’ve moved on.”

“Yeah, of course,” he replied, tone concerned. “Do you needsomewhere to stay? Is it that serious?”

Riza smiled at him instead of replying, Roy unable todetermine the emotion on her face. “No, thank you. I’m okay.”

“Let me know if you do. And if Stick Man Dan comes around,give me a text or a knock.”

“I will,” she smiled that cryptic smile, expression soft.“Thank you.”

“Okay then. What time do I need to be ready for?”

“Six, if that’s okay?”

“No problem.”

“It’s date,” she grinned.

“But be warned,” Roy added. Riza’s expression turnedexpectant. “Wake me up, banging on my door, at this time tomorrow and I will remove your hands from the ends ofyour arms.”

Riza grinned. “Thanks Roy!” She walked towards the lift, aspring in her step, completely unconcerned about his empty-but-tempting threat.He sighed, closing his door, but smiled as he re-entered his apartment. Anevening with Riza on a “date” didn’t seem so bad.

* * *

RM: What do Ineed to wear tonight? 13:44pm

RM: Smart?Casual? We talking tux? 13:44pm

RH: Smart casual is fine.13:51pm

RM: Wow. Thankyou. Much helpful. Very cool. 13:51pm

RH: You’re welcome.13:52pm

RH: Do I detect sarcasm?13:52pm

RM: Your powersof deduction are unparalleled. 13:53pm

RH: Thank you. I pridemyself on that. 13:54pm

RH: Idk just weartrousers and a shirt. 13:54pm

RM: Still nothelpful. 13:55pm

RH: Idk, I’m nota dude. I don’t know what you wear on a night out. 13:55pm

RM: Where is itbeing held? 13:56pm

RH: In a function suite.It’s just a gathering to celebrate a colleague retiring. Dan will be therebecause he was a friend of the retiree and one of my colleagues. 13:57pm

RM: Stick ManDan is friends with old age pensioners? 13:58pm

RM: Riza.13:58pm

RH: Shut your mouth rightnow. I already regret the decision no need to rub it in. 13:59pm

RH: And if you say I toldyou so I will punch you in the face. Guaranteed. 13:59pm

RM: What acatch. 14:01pm

RH: I hope you enjoy thatpunch coming your way in approximately 4 hours. 14:01pm

RM: Hey if noone else will make fun of you for it I’ve got to step up to the plate. 14:05pm

RM: I’m justfulfilling my duty as a friend. 14:05pm

RH: Two punches. 14:05pm

RM: Come at me.I look forward to them. 14:06pm

RM: So… Aboutthat dress code… 14:10pm

RH: Roy. You’re a grownass man. Dress yourself. 14:11pm

RM: Do you wantStick Man Dan to get the message or not? 14:11pm

RH: What, pray tell,message could you send from the way you are dressed? 14:12pm

RM: That I’m asexy motherfucker and you’ve done so much better than him already? 14:13pm

RH: … 14:13pm

RH: Insert picture of melaughing my ass off while rolling my eyes here. 14:13pm

RM: Juststaying true to myself. 14:13pm

RH: Keep telling yourselfthat buddy. 14:14pm

RM: To behonest anyone is a step up from Stick Man Dan. 14:14pm

RH: All right I’m goingnow. I’ve got more important shit to do than tell a grown man how to dress fora “date”. 14:15pm

RH: I thought you were“Mr. Hot Stuff” anyway? Surely you know how to dress for a date. 14:15pm

RH: Wait. 14:17pm

RH: You’ve gone on a datebefore, haven’t you? 14:17pm

RM: I’m noteven going to dignify that stupid question with an answer. 14:22pm

RH: Oh my god. 14:22pm

RH: Hahahaha. 14:22pm

RH: That pause speaksvolumes. 14:22pm

RM: I was inthe bathroom. 14:22pm

RH: TMI dude. 14:23pm

RH: Roy is not the“player” he makes himself out to be. Confirmed. 14:23pm

RH: I can’t wait to tellBecca. 14:25pm

RM: Youwouldn’t dare. 14:24pm

RH: ; ) 14:28pm

RM: Yourloyalties, and any impending betrayals, are noted. 14:29pm

* * *

“I’m going to kill you,” Roy grinned, trying to hide hisirritation as they walked arm in arm towards the function room where this partywas being held. “Really, Riza. This time, I will.”

“I’d like to see you try,” she muttered under her breathquickly before greeting a colleague and introducing Roy.

“You told Catalinaof all people.” Riza snickered beside him, steering Roy towards the buffettable. “You lied to her as well.”

“You neither confirmed, nor denied, if it was true.”

“I said I wouldn’t dignify it with an answer,” he bit back,his irritation rising. He couldn’t believeRiza had said to Catalina that he’d never been on a date before. Of course, he had been on a date before.The woman had phoned him up, cackling, asking if it was true. No matter what hesaid, Rebecca refused to accept any other answer.

God, he hated those two when they were together. A force tobe reckoned with, for sure, and often at his expense. Although they were maddening,Roy never minded it really. It was all good fun. However, it was just asentertaining to banter back and forth with Riza about the situation.

“Well, now we know you have,” she deadpanned, picking up apaper plate and filling it with food.

Roy followed suit, a smirk on his face as he shook his headin amusement. “I don’t feel so bad about making fun of you about Stick Man Dananymore. In fact, I don’t feel bad at all.”

“I would care butthat’s history.”

“Doesn’t look like it,” he muttered in her ear, picking outthe Stick Man himself heading their way, his approach unknown to Riza. Roy shothim a polite smile, which was ignored.

“What?” she asked, mid turn.

“Hey, Riza,” Stick Man Dan greeted his ex, still completelyignoring Roy. Thanks, mate.

Roy had never liked him. He was built like a stick, all skinand bones, and taller than anyone Roy had ever met, which did nothing in hisfavour in the appearance department. Every time they met up as a group, hewould completely gloss over everyone who wasn’t Riza, offering only one-wordanswers. Not to mention he hated Roy for some unknown reason. He couldn’tfigure out what it was. Roy would chuckle to himself when he considered StickMan Dan may have felt threatened by him.

Roy had often wondered what Riza saw in him. “As a concernedfriend,” he would tell Hughes and Catalina irritably when they gave each otherThe Look. Said look was a “oh-shit-he-loves-her” look.

Amusement aside, Roy did consider how it looked from anoutsider’s perspective. Both he and Riza were very close. Probably too close inthe opinion of significant others, but nothing had ever happened. It didn’tmean Roy didn’t want it too, but ifRiza wasn’t interested, then so be it. He wasn’t about to mess up thisfriendship and make it awkward by asking her.

As Stick Man Dan ignored Roy, he considered that perhapsthey were close enough that it wouldn’t makeit awkward between them. They told each other everything.

Only one way to find out, however now was not the time.

“So, you’re here with Gerald?” Riza asked him politelygripping Roy’s arm tighter and sliding an arm around his waist. Not expectingsuch close contact, his breath hitched as he ate, but was luckily able to hideit behind that.

“Gerald, unfortunately, was unable to make it tonight,however I thought I would just come anyway to honour Janine.”

Roy frowned. What person comes to a friend’s retirementparty? At said friend’s place of work?

A stalker, looking tosee someone who shot them down.

Roy shifted, wrapping his arm around Riza’s shoulder as hecontinued to eat, staring Stick Man Dan down. His hand came to rest on saidshoulder and he gave it a quick squeeze. Dan seemed to realise who it wasstanding beside Riza, and his eyes flicked to Roy’s briefly, before moving toRoy’s hand on Riza. If a six foot seven bean pole could look dangerous, thenthat’s what Stick Man Dan’s eyes looked like.

And Roy did notlike it.

Apparently, neither did Riza. She was tense underneath his arm,so he rubbed his shoulder in response. This man made her uncomfortable now,that was for sure. That was his job tonight, as a friend, to help her make itthrough this night and get rid of this guy forever. The only way Stick Man Danwould ever take the hint was if they were convincing.

However, he didn’t want to push the boundaries too much –

Oh my god, Roy, chill.You’re here as a friend, that’s it. Nothing more. Just help her out.

“That’s very nice of you,” Riza replied.

Stick Man Dan’s eyes flicked over to Roy’s once more. Oh, so he wasn’t invisible? Who knew? “Iwas wondering if I could talk to you for a minute?”

“Sorry, Janine asked us to come and speak to her after we’vegrabbed a plate,” Riza lied smoothly. Roy watched as the disappointment crossedStick Man Dan’s face, feeling very pleased by the show. Riza begun to walk away,neglecting to offer Dan another chance for his talk, and Roy let his arm drop,regrettably, but followed after her.

“Can you see me?” Roy whispered to her quietly, leaning inclose, as they left Stick Man Dan at the buffet table alone.

“What?” Riza asked, looking up at him, confused.

“Can you see me?” he repeated. “Stick Man Dan acted as if Iwasn’t there and I was wondering if I’ve miraculously achieved the ability toturn invisible.” Riza snorted, loudly. “I mean, it would come in incrediblyuseful. I’ll be disappointed if you cansee me at this point.”

“Shut up,” she laughed quietly, approaching the woman of thehour. “He’s an ass.”

“I honestly don’t know what you saw in him,” Roy joked,sighing dramatically. He would never let on that he was being serious. “I mean,clearly he was a charmer.”

“He never liked you, did he?” Riza smirked, popping asandwich in to her mouth.

“Oh, we were best buds. Me and Dan?” He rose his hand,crossing over his pointer and middle finger. “We were tight, just like that.”

“Shut up,” she chuckled.

The rest of the evening was pleasant. Riza’s colleagues weregood people who welcomed him with open arms. Apparently, they were in on thewhole stalker situation, and were aware of Roy’s role in the night. It didn’tstop them from playing it up, perhaps too much. As much as Roy enjoyedpretending that he and Riza were a couple, that was just it.

Pretend.

“Do you want to go with them?” Riza whispered in his ear.The feeling of her hot breath on his ear made him shiver, goose bumps rising onhis flesh. There were a few people who were going out for the night to a clubnearby. Truthfully, Roy didn’t want the evening to end. He enjoyed having hisarm around Riza as they sat together, their thighs pressed against each other.Holding her hand was something he couldn’t get enough of, and often foundhimself stroking the back of it with his thumb as they sat.

It’s all an act,he kept reminding himself.

But as the night wore on, Roy found he didn’t want it to bejust an act.

So, he agreed to going out to the club.

That was his first mistake.

His second came when they were dancing under the dimlighting, smoke coiling around their legs as they moved dangerously close to one another. Roy saw, rather than felt, hishand reaching out to brush her bangs off her face, his hand curving around hercheek to cup it. Riza’s eyes that had once been on the space between them hadsnapped up to meet his, both their dancing slowly coming to a stop. A thumbbrushed over her cheekbone and Riza’s eyes widened. The music in the clubdulled to a heavy thump, the wordsfading away to become obsolete.

He pressed his lips gently against Riza’s, feeling herbreathing hitch underneath them. His free hand made its way to her waist, handgliding effortlessly across the material of her silk top as it moved around toher lower back. Riza responded eagerly, deepening the kiss after she locked herarms around his neck, pulling him tightly against her body.

For a few moments all was right in the world. This felt good. It felt natural. It made Roywonder why they hadn’t done it sooner. He pulled back, as if his brain finallyrealised what he had done, and who hehad kissed.

Riza was a friend. This was supposed to be pretend. Not thatRiza could hear him, but he stuttered, trying to apologise for oversteppingthat final boundary.

The look in her eyes told Roy she was okay with it.

One of her own hands rose to cup his cheek this time, drawing his lips back against hers.

* * *

“Would… Would you like to come in for a coffee?”

Riza smiled tiredly. She had ridden in the lift with her headon his shoulder, eyes closed, and a small smile on her face. It had made Roy’sstomach go crazy and grip her hand tighter as they stood waiting on theirfloor.

That second mistake was working out all right.

“I would love to, but I think I’m just going to go tosleep.”

“See, if you slept in at the weekend, you wouldn’t be sotired at one am.”

Riza smirked but the lift dinged at their floor before she would reply.

“Maybe one day, you could teach me,” she replied, playingcoy, before giving him a wink as she stepped out of the lift. That left Roystaring after her, desire in his eyes.

A hand stilled the one on her door handle, gently but firmlyspinning Riza around so her back was against her apartment door. Roy’s handswere pressed flat against Riza’s apartment door, trapping her head betweenthem. Her surprised squeak was adorable and so was the grin on her face as Roybent to kiss her lips. Since he had done it for the first time in the club, he hadached to do it again.

“See you tomorrow?” Roy murmured, his hands moving slowly upand down her waist.

“See you tomorrow,” she agreed, her face and neck flushedfrom their activities. “You can count on it.”

He bid her goodnight and entered his own empty apartment. Thememory of kissing Riza, the feelings of her skin underneath his hands on herwaist, the softness of her hair as he ran his hands through it feverishly were freshin his mind as they lulled him peacefully to sleep.

Only to be interrupted by incessant knocking on hisapartment door.

At six thirty in the morning.

There is only one person…

Gearing up for his charade of being truly irritated, butready to joke with his friend, his retort about removing her hands from theends of her arms died on his tongue. One look at Riza’s face told him this visitwas different. She looked… scared?

“Can… Can I stay here?” Her voice was hesitant and quiet,almost fearful. His irritation gone after hearing her speak, Roy opened thedoor wider so she would enter his apartment. He was worried. Riza never looked like this.

“Yeah, of course. Is everything okay?”

Riza shook her head, offering him her phone instead ofreplying. Apprehensively, Roy took the phone from her unresisting hands.

Unknown Number: Riza weneed to talk. I didn’t like what I saw tonight. I don’t like you spending timewith that guy. I won’t allow it. 06:21am

Roy looked up at her from the screen. Her eyes were castdown towards the floor, not looking at him in the eye.

“I got that this morning, a few minutes after I woke up.”

He tried to reign in his anger. He really did. Was he watching her? The thought made himphysically ill and see red at the same time. “This happen often?” he askedcurtly, but somehow, he already knew her answer.

“Yes,” she replied in a small voice.

“Has it ever escalated?” Riza was silent and that was theonly answer Roy needed. “Why didn’t you tellme?”

“I could handle it,” she replied, voice stronger now. “Buteven after last night he still hasn’t gotten the hint and…”

“What?”

“I’m scared,” she whispered. “I’m scared of what he might do,of what he’s possibly already done, and I… I don’t want to be alone right now.Especially not in my apartment.”

Roy closed the door behind her, putting the chain across it,as if a reassurance that Dan wouldn’t get anywhere near her. Not while Roy wasaround anyway.

“Block that number after you’ve reported him to the police,”Roy told her. “I’ll drive you down there tomo – Well, at a more respectablehour,” he quipped.

“Why don’t we just go now?” Riza asked, confused. Ah, of course, Misswhat-is-sleeping-past-six-am?

“I’m going back to bed,” Roy told her. “And – only if youwant to – you can learn the benefits of sleeping past six am at the weekend.”

His attempt at humour was only to try and lighten the mood –to try and take Riza’s mind off things – and he was pleased to see she fellinto step with him, their banter coming easily to each other. He was thrilledto learn thigs weren’t different between them, despite what happened tonight.

Riza’s lips quirked up and her posture relaxed. Instead ofher arms hugging her body, they moved into the front pocket of her hoodie. “Andwhat benefits would those be?”

“Waking up next to me?” he offered with a smirk.

Riza sighed, cocking her head as if to consider hisproposal. “I think I like that benefit. Are there anymore?”

Roy grinned widely as he closed the distance between them,kissing Riza Hawkeye like his life depended on it.

God, it felt good.

#royai #royai fic #royai fanfic #royai oneshot #fic request #writing prompts #emma writes #ruikosakuragi #ask #hold my hand

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klaineanummel · 5 years

Text

unexpected 18/24

Blaine Anderson was just about the last thing Professor Kurt Hummel expected out of a TA.

Sorry once again for the wait!! This chapter is a bit longer, though, so hopefully that makes up for it? Thank you to everyone for your kind comments <3 I hope you continue to enjoy this fic. We're getting into the final quarter!

A small note -- tumblr has made it so that now when posts include links they won’t appear in the tags. I’m a little conflicted between my desire to always have things be uniform (and easier to navigate) and my desire for people to actually be able to see these updates. For now, I’m not going to include links to AO3 or the previous chapter, but just know that this fic is definitely on AO3 (link in my sidebar) and from now on i will be tagging all the updates (and going back and tagging past updates) with “unexpected” so that you can go into the tag and find all the chapters for this fic. Let me know if you have any ideas about how to deal with this new situation, though, because let me tell you, I’m very frustrated and this is about as good a solution as I can think of (and it’s not super good haha)

All that aside, I hope you enjoy this update anyway :)

Dates three, four, and five are far less heavy than dates one and two had been. There’s no talk of their situation at the university. No talk of exes. No talk of awkward situations with children. Just two people connecting over good food and deepening their mutual attraction.

Date three finds them in Blaine’s apartment watching Moulin Rouge! and spawns an hours long discussion of their favorite musicals of all time. They have so much in common that Kurt can hardly believe it.

The only awkward hiccup is when Blaine admits to seeing a show that Kurt missed seeing because he was, well, five years old when the run ended. Kurt is quick to assure Blaine that all he feels at that knowledge is jealous that Blaine got to see it live in his teenage years, and Blaine seems to relax a little.

Kurt makes a note to work harder at showing Blaine just how little he cares about their age difference.

Date four is in Kurt’s apartment and involves a rather competitive round of Crazy Eights. They keep demanding re-matches until late into the night, and Kurt almost doesn’t let Blaine go when he chooses to leave exactly when he’s ahead.

Of course, as he tries to get him to stay for just one more round (once he evens things out he knows he can get Blaine to stay for another, which will allow him to scoop the lead), Blaine distracts him with kisses and touches, and then Kurt almost doesn’t let him leave for a totally different reason.

Date five they’re back at Kurt’s apartment, this time for another movie and pizza. Blaine has brought some horror movie that his son has been raving about on Facebook. Kurt admits that he usually doesn’t do horror, but that he’s in as long as Blaine offers his (very sturdy and broad) shoulder for Kurt to cuddle when he gets scared.

It turns out to be not so bad, though at one point a jump scare causes Kurt to dump their bowl of popcorn all over his couch. Blaine helps him clean it up later, laughing all the while. Kurt would be annoyed if Blaine wasn’t so damn cute when he laughs.

When he’s ready to go, Blaine hovers at the door. “So,” he says, and even though it’s not followed by a ‘hey’, Kurt immediately assumes that something serious will follow. “This was date five.”

“And it was great,” Kurt says, grinning up at him.

“It was,” Blaine leans down and presses a soft kiss to Kurt’s lips. “I’m… I’m having an amazing time with you, Kurt.”

“Me, too,” Kurt says. He leans closer into Blaine, though doesn’t reconnect their lips.

“I, uh.” Blaine turns away from Kurt briefly, clearing his throat a little. “I got a text from Sebastian today.”

Kurt bites down on his bottom lip, falling back on the balls of his feet and moving a little away from Blaine through the action. “Oh?”

“He asked if we’d be free next Friday. So that you guys can meet.”

This is something Kurt has been trying to be okay with. He keeps telling himself that clearly him meeting Sebastian is something that’s important to Blaine. He knows that his desire to refuse is purely selfish and, also, a little rooted in jealousy. Which is gross, and an emotion Kurt has tried to weed out of his life as much as possible.

Still, despite trying to feel okay about it and wanting to eliminate any jealousy regarding Blaine’s past relationship, he can’t help but hesitate.

Blaine, clearly sensing it, says, “It doesn’t have to be next Friday. It can be—”

“Blaine,” Kurt stops him, putting a hand on Blaine’s shoulder. “It’s okay. I’m just… trying to wrap my mind around the fact that our sixth date will be dinner with your ex-husband.” He tilts his head a little, wincing as he says, “It’s not something I’ve ever really done.”

“Had dinner with a boyfriend’s ex?”

Kurt smiles a little at that. “Yeah,” he says. “I mean, usually the guys I date don’t want anything to do with their exes. I know I don’t want anything to do with mine.”

Blaine’s face falls a little. He reaches up to grab the hand that Kurt placed on his shoulder, interlacing their fingers.

“I know it’s unusual,” Blaine says. “But Sebastian and I still have a really strong friendship. Can you…” he trails off, looking down at their hands, then glances back up, eyes cautious. “Is there any way you could just see it as you meeting a close friend of mine, not my ex-husband?”

Kurt sighs, but leans forward and kisses Blaine gently. “I can try,” he says. “But I… I don’t know if I’ll fully be able to separate that. Because yes, I’m meeting a close friend, but that close friend is still your ex-husband.” And how you two are still close friends is beyond me. I can’t even stand the thought of most of the men I’ve dated.

“I know,” Blaine replies. “Look, if this is too much…”

Kurt squeezes his fingers. “Honestly? It is,” he says. “But,” he continues before Blaine can say anything, “I also know how much this means to you. So, yes Blaine, I am free next Friday to meet Sebastian.”

Blaine smiles up at him in that way that makes Kurt feel weak at the knees. “Really?”

“Yes, Blaine, really.” When Blaine hops a little on his feet, Kurt teases, “You better give me a good teacher evaluation for this.”

Blaine chuckles, shaking his head. “Oh, yes, the best! Professor Hummel went above and beyond in making my TA experience memorable. Not only was he willing to meet my ex-husband and comfort me on the anniversary of my father’s death, but he also made out with my face.”

Kurt laughs, throwing his head back at that. “Stop it,” he says, shaking his head.

Blaine laughs a little, too, then pulls Kurt close and whispers, “Seriously, Kurt. This means a lot to me.”

Kurt smiles down at him and tells himself to remember this feeling of happiness at making Blaine so happy for when he’s meeting Sebastian. “I know,” he replies, pulling Blaine in for a long kiss.

Friday comes sooner than expected. They’ve decided to meet at a restaurant closer to Sebastian’s apartment, since it’s the farthest from campus. Not that it would be that unusual for a professor to be getting dinner with a TA and their family (Kurt actually met Mercedes’s parents last year, and the four of them had dinner together as well), but Kurt still worries.

Blaine and Kurt travel to the restaurant together, keeping a safe distance all the while. It practically hurts not to be able to reach down and hold Blaine’s hand, not to cuddle up to him on the subway. New York is huge, and Kurt knows there’s a small chance they’ll bump into somebody from the university, but you never know. He’d rather be safe than sorry.

Sebastian is waiting for them at the restaurant, looking just as handsome and intimidating as the last time Kurt saw him. Except this time, he can also see that he’s tall, and in incredible shape for his age.

Jealousy creeps up his spine, but Kurt shoves it away. He tells himself Blaine and Sebastian are divorced. Sebastian is dating another man over and over again as they walk up to Sebastian, who gives them a kind smile.

“Hey, Blaine,” he says, patting Blaine lightly on the shoulder. He turns to Kurt and holds out a hand. “And Kurt, wonderful to meet you again.”

Kurt takes his hand and shakes it as firmly as he can without appearing too aggressive. “Likewise. It’s nice to officially meet you.”

“Should we go in?” Blaine asks, and all three men make their way into the restaurant.

“I’m sorry Marco couldn’t make it,” Sebastian says as they’re shown to their seats. “He’s very interested in meeting you, Kurt, but he just couldn’t get away from this work commitment.”

“It’s okay,” Kurt says, trying not to show just how okay it is through his voice. Meeting Sebastian is intimidating enough; having to sit through a dinner with not only his boyfriend’s ex-husband, but also said ex-husband’s new boyfriend as well? That might have been a little too much for him. “I’m sure we’ll meet eventually.”

“If you plan on sticking around this one any longer, you definitely will,” Sebastian says.

Kurt eyes him suspiciously, then grabs Blaine’s hand and says, “Well, that’s the current plan, so a meeting is in our future.”

Sebastian smiles, though there’s something behind it that Kurt can’t quite place.

Once they’re seated and the waiter brings their menus, things begin to feel a little more comfortable. Blaine leads the conversation, and Kurt is more than happy to follow him in this.

Sebastian is a pleasant conversationalist. He asks questions about Kurt’s life, but not in an overtly interrogatory way. In fact, he often will tell stories of his own when Kurt answers his questions, instead of ignoring Kurt’s answer and simply forging ahead with the next question. He seems genuinely interested in getting to know Kurt, which for some reason surprises him.

There are two topics of conversation, though, that are conspicuously avoided: Blaine and Sebastian’s past marriage, and Kurt’s job.

It feels odd. Blaine and Sebastian don’t have the kind of relationship that Kurt would associate with divorce. They finish some of each other’s stories, and have inside jokes that they can barely explain to Kurt without dissolving into fits of laughter. The longer he’s at the table, the more Kurt understands why Blaine asked him to see meeting Sebastian as just meeting his close friend, not his ex-husband.

Because, really, that’s what this feels like. It feels like he’s meeting Blaine’s childhood best friend, not the man he was married to for almost thirty years.

The thing is, though, they were married. For three-quarter’s of Kurt’s life, in fact. Even though it really just feels like Kurt is getting to know his new boyfriend’s friend, he still can’t force the thought out of his mind.

Which means the jealousy? Is not gone, even though Kurt desperately wants it to be.

Even when Blaine’s stories revolve around him. Blaine’s told Sebastian about what an amazing cook Kurt is, how wonderfully he’s decorated his apartment, and how much he’s loved the few times they’ve goofed off singing together. As much as Kurt knows these stories should make him happy, all they really do is remind Kurt that his relationship with Blaine is less than a month old.

It doesn’t even hold a candle to Blaine’s relationship with Sebastian.

As they finish up their food, Blaine and Sebastian start to get caught up in a story from when they were in college. Kurt, needing some air (hopefully enough to rid himself of the nasty jealousy crawling up his throat), excuses himself to the bathroom. Blaine gives him the absolute sweetest smile as Kurt walks away, and Kurt tells himself to focus on that.

He does end up going to the bathroom, able to rationalize his situation a lot better now that he isn’t actually in the midst of it.

Despite their close friendship and their long romantic past, Blaine and Sebastian got divorced. Blaine hasn’t told him much about it, but Kurt knows enough about relationships to know that people don’t just get divorced willy-nilly. And he knows enough about Blaine to know that he would never divorce someone willy-nilly.

So, Blaine and Sebastian are divorced, and Kurt is sure they have a good reason for staying that way. Sebastian has a boyfriend, and Blaine does, too. Blaine is dating Kurt now, even though it’s crazy, and complicated, and some days Kurt still thinks he’s out of his damn mind for doing this. But, he needs to remind himself, Blaine wants Kurt. He approached Kurt, he kissed him first, he initiated their relationship.

Why would he do that if he was still in love with his ex?

Satisfied and feeling far more relaxed, Kurt heads back to their table.

He stops, though, as he approaches and hears Sebastian and Blaine talking.

About him.

“—really that serious with Kurt?”

That’s Sebastian’s voice, and Kurt’s breath catches in his throat.

“Yes, they are,” comes Blaine’s voice. “You’ve just spent an hour with us as a couple, how can you even say that?”

“Well, Blaine, it’s just…” his voice trails off, and Kurt’s heart jumps in anticipation. “I don’t know. I guess I didn’t realize you were that serious about this.”

“Of course I am. I wouldn’t have told you about him if I wasn’t, forget having you meet him.” They’re both silent for a moment, then Blaine asks, “Okay, what? What’s with the face?”

“God, Blaine, I don’t know.” More silence. Then, “You can tell me to fuck off if I’m overstepping, okay?”

“Go on,” Blaine replies, and Kurt feels a chill at the ice in his voice. He doesn’t think he’s ever heard Blaine sound like that.

“It’s just… are you sure this isn’t some… mid-life crisis thing?”

“What?” Kurt’s voice could cut glass.

“Look, I’m not trying to be an asshole, I promise. This just isn’t like you at all, Blaine. Yeah, he seems like a wonderful guy, and I can tell you’re very infatuated with him, but he’s…”

After a beat, Blaine asks, “He’s what, Sebastian?”

“Young, Blaine. He’s fucking young.”

“He’s almost forty,” Blaine says, and it sounds as though he’s speaking through his teeth. “I wouldn’t call that young.”

“Young for you. You’re fifty, Blaine, and he isn’t even forty. What are you doing?”

“What do you mean what am I doing? I’m going out with a guy I really like. The first guy I’ve really liked in years. What the hell are you even talking about right now?”

“You just never seemed the type to me, Blaine. You know, you and I, we’re the same age. You always told me you loved that, that we could experience our life together at the same time. Now you’re—”

“Listen,” Blaine says. “That was before. You were my first boyfriend, my first love, so of course I wanted us to go at the same speed. I don’t feel that desire with Kurt.”

“Yeah, but Blaine—”

“And yeah, maybe he’s younger than me, but he’s lived things I never lived, in the same way that I’ve lived things he hasn’t. Our life experiences are different, but they compliment each other as well. This works for us, Sebastian. I like him.”

More silence.

“And,” Sebastian begins, “you’re sure that what you like about him isn’t that he’s a young, hot teacher who also happens to be in a position of authority?”

“Excuse me?” the ice is back.

“Oh, come on, Blaine. Let’s not pretend like I don’t know you like the back of my hand. I know how into authority you are. You fucking loved it when I—”

“Do not go there,” Blaine says. “Get to the point.”

“I’m just saying. You’ve always appreciated someone who is more in control than you, and he just happens to be over a decade younger and hot as sin? You just, you have to see how this looks to me.”

Kurt hears Blaine take in a deep breath. “I’m not attracted to Kurt because he’s the professor I’m TAing for, or because he’s young and hot. I’m attracted to Kurt because he has so much life in him. He loves what he does, and he’s not afraid to show that. He’s amazing with his students, and the way he deconstructs modern music absolutely astounds me. He has one of the kindest hearts I’ve ever seen, and a selfless one, too. And yes, of course I think he’s gorgeous, but that’s not what this is.”

“Okay, I get it. I’m sorry, Blaine, I didn’t mean to offend.”

“Well, you did. And what was it you said? I could tell you to fuck off if you were overstepping? Well, you are. So, fuck off.”

“Jeez, Blaine, I said I was sorry.”

“I know. And logically I also know that you’re only saying this because you’re worried about me. So, this is me saying that you don’t need to be. It’s not your job to protect my heart anymore, Sebastian.”

Kurt’s heart has been beating faster and faster as the conversation has worn on, both out of the insecurities rushing to the surface at Sebastian’s words, and the sweetness of Blaine’s words (despite them being spoken like razors).

He can’t quite take it anymore, so he hurries around the corner. He sees that Sebastian has his mouth open, and his cheeks are bright red. Sebastian shuts his mouth when he sees Kurt, though.

“Hey,” Kurt says, slipping back into the chair next to Blaine.

“Hey,” Blaine replies, bringing his hand down to take Kurt’s. “Are you okay to go soon? I’m suddenly feeling tired.”

Kurt nods quickly, beyond thankful.

“Blaine…” Sebastian trails off, eyeing them both wearily.

“Just let me know how much it was, okay?” Blaine says to Sebastian. “I’ll Venmo you our half.”

“Blaine, come on.”

“Sorry, I just can’t right now,” Blaine says, standing up. “We’ll talk later.”

He then begins walking away, Kurt’s hand firmly in his. He’s walking so fast that Kurt barely has time to politely tell Sebastian what a pleasure it was to meet him.

Though, honestly, he’s not entirely sure if that’s true.

Chapter Nineteen

#klaineanummel fic #klaine fic #klaine au #klaine #unexpected #multi chapter

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tadomodoka4-blog · 5 years

Text

What are your favorite johnlock fics of all time?

Ohhhh.

Ohhh noo.

Nonny you’re cruel.

Okay so funny story:

Someone asked me this exact thing a couple years ago.

I started a fic rec list offline at that time

Said list kept growing and growing as I decided to start sorting my fics.

It’s now a couple years later, and the list has over 300 fics on it XD.

So you see my dilemma LOL.

I have done a few fic lists in the past along this vein:

Top 20 Fave 40K+ w. Fics (April 2017 )

Ten Fave Short Johnlock Fics (Easy Reads April 2018)

25 Fave Johnlock One Shots (April 2018)

Top 10 Fave Fics (September 2018)

I have WAY more than 30 of these, but I had to stop somewhere! So here’s the criteria for these ones today:

I’ve read them more than 5 times since I bookmarked them

I read them start to finish, without skipping anything even though I know what happens.

That’s it. It’s just so I can keep my list down, LOL. Seriously, I love SO many fics that this list was HARD to do. Hope you enjoy!

I-J’s TOP 30 READ-AGAIN FICS (MARCH 2019)

Fa Subito by kim47 (E, 6,659 w. || Suit Porn, Cockblocker Mycroft, Obsessed Sherlock, PWP) – John wears a suit. Sherlock finds it extremely distracting.

Left by lifeonmars (M, 45,153 w. || Magical Realism) – John Watson is left-handed. He’s tried not to let it affect his life, but as any Lefty knows, that’s almost impossible.

from I am to see to it that I do not lose you. https://ift.tt/2FTbxgX via IFTTT

#IFTTT #I am to see to it that I do not lose you.

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araeph · 6 years

Note

Okay I know Southern Raiders is well-loved and I don't mean to bash it, but I rewatched it recently and I finally understand the beef I had with it. Zuko and Katara's bonding seemed a bit superficial to me. His field trips with Aang and Sokka felt different. With Aang, the goal was to regain his bending. With Sokka - he was also doing him a favour, but it felt more like "it's the right thing to do" rather than "will you like me if I do this thing for you?" like in Katara's case. 1/2

In Raiders, Zuko seems like he’s just too eager to please, which is… perfectly IC for him tbh, but it makes their bonding with Katara feel a bit unnatural. Especially since Katara forgives him just like that, without even addressing her actual problem with him - that he betrayed her trust once. It almost feels like Zuko “bought” Katara’s forgiveness. I’m not bashing Zutara - I don’t ship it, but I’d much prefer it over Zumai. Just offering my perspective on this episode. Love your metas! 2/2

Zuko was eager to pleaseKatara and make it up to her for his siding with Azula in Ba Sing Se, but thatdoesn’t make their trip any less meaningful. Zuko didn’t buy Katara’sforgiveness; he earned it. See, when Zuko asks what he can do to make it up toKatara, she throws out things that are impossible:

Katara: You really want to know? Hmm, maybe you could re-conquer Ba Sing Se in the name of the Earth King. Or, I know. You could bring my mother back.

This is tell Zuko in no uncertain terms that Katara’s forgiveness can’t be bought; that nothing he can do will pay for hismisdeeds. Zuko easily could have taken that and accepted that she would nevermove beyond her anger. Instead, he tries to get to the root of why Katara is soangry in the first place. At that point, it no longer becomes about earning forgiveness, but about helping Katara. And when he helps her, notice that he never demandsor even asks for her friendship as a consequence. He is doing this becauseit’s the right thing.

Which, ironically, is precisely what allowed Katara to forgive Zukoat the end of “Southern Raiders.” She felt no pressure from Zuko to forgive himjust because he did something nice for her. I love the wording at the end: thatshe is ready to forgive him, becauseit implies that she was allowed to make the journey at her own pace, with noprice tag or guilt attached to it.

I’m not sure why Zuko and Katara’s bonding felt superficial to you; for me, it was exactly the opposite. The reason Zuko and Katara were on the samewavelength during that episode wasn’t just because Zuko wanted to pleaseKatara; it was because he understood her loss of a mother in a way that no oneelse did. (For why Sokka didn’t experience the loss of his mother the same way,see this post.) Their mutual losswas what had originally brought them together in the Crystal Catacombs, so itmakes sense for the same thing to reunite them here. It’s also a continuation ofZuko’s redemption arc; he, too, had journeyed to the South Pole once upon atime to conduct a raid and take away the last bender of an enemy nation.

Andfinally, the entire ordeal was a trust exercise for Katara. She trusted himwith her coldest, angriest self, the part of her that no one wanted to seeagain. She smashed a giant wave into an enemy ship, told him everything aboutthe darkest day of her life, and bloodbent right in front of him. She nearly shredded Yon Rha with ice daggers and openly acknowledged her hatred.

The fact that Zuko was Katara’s companion on this journey speaksvolumes. He didn’t try to make the journey about himself, or his personalrelationship with Katara. He didn’t try to badger her into killing Yon Rha, or balkat the fact that she bloodbent. Katara gave him plenty of opportunities toquestion her, to pull away, to freak out or try to manipulate her. He didn’ttake a single one of them. And his willingness to have her back during thisjourney cemented him as not only an ex-enemy, but a friend.

#zutara #southern raiders

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singwhenyoucantspeak · 3 years

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okay but re that last post, it is truly amazing how many of my mutuals are also catholic/ex-catholic/raised catholic with complicated relationships with religion. LMAO. I don't think that's really what the tiktok girl was talking about but technically it is also kind of true XD

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cicatriselle-blog · 6 years

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012417-040917

How did it start?

Who initiated it?

Why did you take her to [concert that he went to with her and his mom]?

Were you truly planning on telling me the night I confronted you?

When you came to get some water for your radiator at [my old work], were you coming from your house? (he showed up at like 8:30am, wearing pj pants, and said he was out driving…some dumb shit, idk)

Have you actually bought me Christmas gifts?

Who else knew then?

Who else knows, now?

Did you tell anyone not to tell me?

How intimate did you get?

How long did it really go on?

How did you get from “start” to her saying she loves you/you guys repeating sleeping in bed together?

How frequently were you really seeing one another?

How frequently did you lie about not being with her?

How often were you sleeping in bed together?

What concert did you go to? Did you go to [band]?

Why did you lie about just going to that free [band] concert with just [his sister]? (I saw an Instagram picture that showed all 3 of their reflections in the window of a building)

Why did you tell me you were seeing things/hearing things when you were sitting on the couch with her? (according to his sister; recurring theme of if you’re going to lie maybe don’t be saying scary stuff that I’d inquire about to your family members, especially if you’re in the same room as them at the time)

How often did you tell her you love her first?

How often are you communicating with her?

Can I scroll through your texts with her?

Where’d you go after the [event we went to together]?

Was she ever officially your girlfriend? Since when? (I later found out she was living at his mom’s house with him, so presumably yeah, and a while, lol)

Why didn’t you come clean after any of the times I asked about this/was concerned/etc?

What were you missing that drove you to pull away from me? What did she give you?

Why haven’t you gotten re-tested?

Can you connect with your therapist/get a new one?

How many dates did you go on? How much money did you spend on/with her?

Why did you take her to [restaurant] with [his sister] and not me?

What did you say when you told her? (he told me he had told her about us/cut things off/etc)

What made you decide to tell her/want to tell me?

How were you going to tell me?

Re: note [that I found in his truck when it died and he left it here for a week+], about your first day [at work], she said there are “cuddles when you get home”—explain?

Re: note, expand on her statement ”…that silly romantic part of me that you seem to adore.”

Re: note, expand on “I love showing you new places and people and having the favor returned.”

Re: note, expand on “…you tell me you’re mushy (? sic), indisputably in love with me.”

Re: note, expand on “I’m so glad to be yours.”

Did truly nothing happen on the trip?

Did anything happen over the summer?

Did anything ever happen with [his most recent ex]/anyone else over the time we’ve been together? (a lie, she confirmed later on, sigh)

Explain hickies, marks on your back? (ugh I’m such an idiot…I hate myself. he said it was from being on his back working on his truck)

Do you want to be my boyfriend?

Or perhaps, why do you not want me to be your “official” girlfriend?

Can you provide proof to me that you’re “over”?

Was her calling you her boyfriend on that photo (that I saw on Instragram a week after confronting him about cheating on me, heh) honestly the first time [she called you her boyfriend] (as he’d said)? Why’d you freak out so hard?

Why did you seriously think it was okay to take her to buy the [new truck] (a week after me confronting him about cheating on me)? Why’d she seem like you’d not just told her days prior that you were cheating on me?

Did you ever speak/refer disparagingly about me to her, or anyone?

Where have these bathroom (nudes, lol)/shirtless pictures been taken? (not at his house…lols)

Why don’t you call me princess/anything special lately? (‘Kiddo’ seems to be for everyone.)

“Look at this fucking cutie” comment (on a photo of her new haircut on Instagram) vs. you not liking/saying anything about my haircut…why?

Why did you take/post a picture of her (when you were in [other state]) but don’t take pics of me?

Why were you so active on social media with her but not me/ignore [social media] posts I tag you in?

What does a secure relationship look like to you?

For us to feel good/happy, what steps/actions would we need to take?

What really happened on New Year’s Eve/NYE Day/the day before?

Explain the “accomplice” crap again”?

How did it come to pass that you took her to the [exhibit] with [your other sister] and not me?

How did you get to that point between her “finding out” about us in July and whenever your relationship started? What did you say to her about us?

Was it really your “other friend” whose nipples you pierced? Why didn’t you tell me about it before you did it?

Tell me about test driving a vehicle with her?

You said things didn’t begin until after Thanksgiving at one point, but this is untrue according o those notes, so can you tell me why you lied about that? (and that she was actually living at his mom’s with him, yeah, mhm, siiiigh)

What happened with you being unable to help me move? What was going on?

Why did you not want to do the [app] with me?

Did you guys ever work on that table?

Did you truly not spend Thanksgiving together? (his mom told me otherwise, and yet…)

What about Christmas? Did you ever end up exchanging gifts/celebrating at all?

So, after she called you her boyfriend on that IG post, she must’ve blocked me; that picture is still there, and I see you liking her posts. Why? Explain this.

Are you able to provide proof; because otherwise I’m going to approach her about this, and can I see if? (unsure of what I was intending to add on to this)

What are your thoughts on all the things we’ve talked about doing (camping, trip, drive-in…etc)?

Will you unfollow/block her on Instagram? Can I read?

Did you really read my journal?

Why does it feel like you make little effort to see me, even for lunch, and we never seem to spend time together anymore? (sigh @ myself)

Why haven’t you gotten off [older ex who was his fiancé at one point, lol] (phone) plan?

Where is [this cat you adopted], really?

Who is [girl I don’t think exists who is apparently catsitting for this adopted cat]? Who is [a girl that does exist that his sister is pretty sure has been a longtime on-off thing with him]?

Why don’t you invite me anywhere?

Why don’t you take me to run errands?

Why has it been 6+ months since you stopped by, unannounced, to surprise me?

Where did you take her that you’ve taken me?

Where did you take her that you haven’t taken me?

What “date”/“romantic” things have you done?

Were you hanging out with her the many times you cancelled on me in October/the general fall?

Why didn’t you show up that one day you helped [mutual friend] with his car—you were going to pick me up from work, but I had to get someone to drive me home, and you ended up being with her? (according to his sister)

Will you be my boyfriend? Why or why not?

Why did you ignore me/not acknowledge me when I spoke about our “anniversary”? Do you not care at all?

How do you really feel about me?

What’s really the deal with Xmas/birthday stuff?

Thoughts on our trip? How can we save a bit of cash every paycheck?

How can I reach you in an emergency if you never pick up my calls anymore?

I’ve seen you Facebook Messenger-ing people/girls before—why do you ignore me on there?

What happened the evening of Valentine’s Day?

What’s your thought process like when you ignore one of my calls/a specific subject in a text message?

How did test driving a car happen?

Did you sleep together at your house?

Do you want to go on dates with me?

Why did you lie about the textbooks in your truck?

That night we were [activity] by your house, you seemed to get a message and then immediately “got tired” around 9:30—what really came up? (Early Nov)

Are you ashamed to be with me? Do you feel like “hiding me”/our relationship for some reason?

Do you feel you respect me?

Would you consider relationship therapy?

Can you at least contact your old therapist (for yourself/your mental health)?

Do you want to see me more? Do you miss how things used to be? Do you want to see me more than 20 minutes-0 minutes a week? (sigh)

What was really going on that day I took off work/we worked on the [car]/I cancelled my evening plans, then you suddenly had to leave at 3:45?

On NYE, why’d you tell your grandma not to mention I was there?

Did she give you any gifts? For Christmas or Valentines? [Item] or [character] necklace?

Have you been to [store we all worked at at one point] since you both quit/in the last 1-3 months? How often?

#mine #the boy #cheating #ugh #writing: other #hug @ myself

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sincerelybillie · 6 years

Text

on liking yourself when others dislike you

do you think you could handle knowing, at the rate and visibility of social media “likes” and praise, how many people cannot stand you? i think about this often - how i myself do sometimes quantify and qualify my work and my worth based on the affirmation i receive, read and hear. and years of self-growth and self-love aside, to look at yourself through rose-coloured glasses isn’t any much healthier than picking at the scabs of your own insecurities. whether you’re healed or not, you’re not above self-examination. i’m really learning that these days.

there’s a lot to unpack here, so i hope you’re comfy. because i’m about to get uncomfy.

and again, the thoughts burst to the forefront of my brain and again i, in the paralysis and then dull pain of honest self-reflection, spat them down as bullet points. things that sting just as much removing an old and actual bullet from a body that’s gotten too accustomed to its own damage and romanticized being a warrior whose bones can no longer be broken w sticks, stones, or anything for that matter. but none of us are that untouchable. we wouldn’t be human.

in middle school, stephanie and sarah started a myspace comment thread about my eczema and how they didn’t want to be near me in the locker rooms during P.E. because they didn’t want to have “lizard skin” like me. i found out about their lifetime movie school bully behaviour after they’d been discussing me for weeks (which was honestly weirder than any skin condition i had? you’re preteen girls obsessively talking about my mostly naked prepubescent body that experiences dry skin sometimes? which isn’t contagious?) anyways, they both ended up having severe, cystic acne for much of their teenhood, and i always felt secure in knowing karma did a much better job than any revenge i could have employed at such a young age. i’d known stephanie since we were in first grade, and sarah was one of the “bad girls” who started wearing excessive eyeliner and push up bras before the rest of us. i guess stephanie felt like she needed to invest in something like that, for social currency. sarah got beat up a few times, i think, because other girls caught word of her trash talking. i think stephanie knew how to be strategic in her associations and never actually had to be held accountable for being shitty. i don’t know what happened to either of them, but i remember being really smug about my clear skin and the state of their faces when i found them on facebook in high school. this wasn’t productive. this didn’t make me a good person. and i guess i just always wanted to believe anyone who didn’t like me was in the wrong and would receive a cosmic consequence for being a dick to me.

let’s head to my early twenties where my first full time job with an organization i spent two years with showed me i was wrong. there were still coworkers who disliked me for really petty reasons, who still acted like spiteful and gossipy middle school bullies or were passive aggressive towards me for reasons that really didn’t make anymore sense than hating me for my allergies did. but i did have to hear and internalize and change the fact that i was too aggressive in my work ethic, isolated people who i felt didn’t work as hard as me, didn’t open up to people because i came across like nobody was worth knowing me or being trusted, was too opinionated, verbose, competitive, elitist. i couldn’t believe i could be considered these things, and anyone who called me that must have really misunderstood my commitment and my values. they were stupid and wrong. i was right. there was nothing for me to change here. but i was wrong because even if some of them had discussed me behind my back in separate group chats, behaved unprofessionally towards me, or stopped interacting w me entirely outside of mandated work environments, it didn’t automatically invalidate any and all other feedback they could have given me. it didn’t lose its legitimacy just because it was coming from someone i didn’t consider a friend with valuable insight. and because i placed so much value on the connections and thoughts of people i mutually respected, knew, and trusted, it was hard to swallow truths handed out by strangers, estranged friends, acquaintances or people i just thought sucked.

i stifled my own growth by not listening to them because i thought loving myself and hearing what people who aren’t cool with me had to say were mutually exclusive. i chose to only hear half the conversation because that’s what served me. because only hearing criticisms and insults was so poor for my mental health, that i had to swing the pendulum as hard as i could in the other direction. and that may have felt better most of the time, but it didn’t make me better long-term.

at the benefit of my sanity in this digital age, i don’t see who or how many people ignore my snapchat stories, screenshot my ig stories or discuss them when i’m not around, hate what i post, roll their eyes at my captions, or click thumbs down on my youtube videos, whether or not they watched the whole thing. but i know that people do it. i know some people choose to continue following me on social media or being friends w me because they want that mutual follow, despite never really interacting w me - positively or otherwise - on the particular platform. it’s a numbers game. they hate seeing their follower count drop more than they hate seeing me. i know i’ve been blocked, unfriended, and called names i can’t respond to before they press that button, a power move to get the last word in that i myself am guilty of using. my ex boyfriend made a hate account for me when we broke up. my numbers drop a little by a couple people on different platforms almost immediately after i share something that i guess people determine is enough of seeing me and my opinons on their timelines or feeds. my roommates talk about me and hide their ig stories from me. one of them reads my tweets, but doesn’t follow me, but she's given me a lot of valuable insight and feedback herself; the other throws temper tantrums, so i know where to put more relationship energy based on maturity and respect. i can’t explain human behaviour, my own or theirs when it comes to this. i could obsess over what possible reason anyone could have to decide to do these things. i could obsess over what possible reason anyone could have to think i’m not incredible. and that’s pathetic of me to do so, to assume so.

so many things could be a blow to the ego if i let it matter enough. but how do you know when something is insignificant and when something is a sign? my impatience w what i consider “poor performance” has made me seem pretentious, unapproachable, and aloof. so i built up my empathy muscle, i started sharing how things made me feel, what i needed from people, asking them what they needed from me, listening, giving - and that has made a monumental difference in my relationships. i have less of them now (relationships), because it is not a numbers game, but the ones i have i enjoy and i put the work in to grow and maintain, like any other garden, talent, muscle, bond. if i care enough and because i care.

apathy isn’t cool. we are not above being hurt or taking it personally, wondering what we did wrong instead of just as often deciding that person is trash anyways. so good riddance. ha ha, quality over quantity, yeah i’m never wavering from that perspective!

but i do waver because as (un)fortunate, (in)convenient, confusing, or exciting as it can be, these perceptions of “what makes me great”, “why does everyone hate me”, “i’m good enough”, “i’m untouchable”, and “i’m trash” are fluid. influenced by read receipts, break ups, little to no interaction w people you have shared laughs and important times with, technology, celebrities and pop culture, childhood flashbacks, adulthood anxieties, etc.

i’m still trying to make sense of this all. maybe you are where i am at on some or many days as well. i hope i, and you (but i can really only speak for myself, i have to remind myself on this blog) can understand what makes me a remarkable person doesn’t scream louder than the parts i should work on, doesn’t shine so much that i don’t need touch ups or entire renovations of how i act, think, and treat myself and others.

and adversely, people can dislike me because they dislike themselves or because they’re generally bad people w bad taste…or they can dislike me because there are things that i do, real behaviours that are mine, that are dislikable. bad. ugly. allowed to be criticized. allowed to be unwanted.

i can do something about them or i can let my precious, problematic ego inflate while my potential for growth and reconcilable, worthwhile relationships deteriorate. why do i preserve what i preserve? why do i overlook what i overlook? scoffs, tears, eye rolls, thank you’s, hugs.

i have all this self-awareness and all these options. i just don’t have the foresight to know what is the correct button to press. maybe part of growing up is just taking that journey, for all its guts and glory, because we’re not entitled to the ending we think we deserve. we experience the consequences of our actions, the actions of others, sometimes we get lucky, we get better, we get hurt. i have to be okay w all that, i have to learn and never stop learning from all that. even if, no matter what i become or do or say, people still decide they don’t like me.

after all, the end game isn’t likability, despite how sick these social media games can make us. my end game, my always game is just growth, goodness, the willingness to experience the refreshing pain of honest self-evaluation and re-calibration. as much as i can see greatness in myself, i’m not above being told there’s something ugly and bad that needs to be looked at too. removed.

maybe this isn’t enough for the people reading who don’t like me. is it insincere? irresponsible? i’m not here to please you or get you to like me; i need to be better, no matter what. this is the truth of how i feel and what i’ve been thinking.

yes, i like myself. enough to see past mindless hate and not change myself to accommodate others, but also enough to recognize when i need to make real change for everyone’s benefit of being/knowing a better me.

this is what needed to be said.

#personal #self worth #self love #psychology #self esteem #digital age #social media #self hate #bullying #instagram #snapchat #facebook #relationships #friendships #advice #thoughts #feelings

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samanthachristinewrites · 6 years

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intro, being gay & other stuff like that - 12/20/17

hi. this feels like a better first post than anything else. my name's samantha and this is my blog for personal writing. this is going to be my first post. tw: very brief self harm mention, very brief suicidal mention, mention of body issues/negative self esteem, and anxiety.

sometime this january, i made the decision to come out. and that's something that has been a very, very big thing for me. my anxiety hit an all time high and i couldn't function with my day to day life anymore without difficulty. things were really bad and i had to do something about it, so i did. i poured all my thoughts and feelings into an eight page letter and read it to my best friend and my mom. and on february 13th, 2017 i could finally share the biggest thing in my life, although i had felt ashamed before that. and that day, a new part of my life started. i have spent most of this year getting to know the person that i am now and finally trying to navigate my life as a mostly out person. which is wild, because if you know me, you know how hard this has all been for me. i got to tell my mom about feelings i've had for years, that i could never share with her. the homophobia in my own home stopped entirely. i have been blessed with the pleasure of having my mom tell me that she's proud of me for the person that i am today. i am still loved, despite my orientation. and that is not something i could guarantee at the beginning of this year. my mother did not kick me out, she did not turn me away, and she did not try to send me to a therapist or a camp like i thought that she would. i grew up thinking that people chose who they loved or who they were interested in. i didn't understand the difference and i didn't understand that sometimes girls do not like boys, or boys do not like girls and that it is okay. i grew up thinking that wouldn't be okay. i grew up thinking that it's gross to be anything but heterosexual. i grew up thinking that feeling things for the same sex is a direct betrayal to God.

i have always been spiritual. i spent two years in catholic school, have made all of my sacraments, and have considered myself a pretty devout believer in God for my whole life. i've had weak points, but we all do. i don't go to church much, but i'm very, very sure about my beliefs and prayers. that's the main reason why it took me so long to come to terms with everything that i've learned about myself.

when i was fifteen years old, i met a friend online. we met through our mutual favorite band at the time, we the kings. my friend also identified as queer, something that i didn't really think a lot about. despite how i was raised, i would never be mean to anyone about their sexuality. i've always been pretty good about that. but being friends with her and much later on, friends with many incredible lgbt+ people, it occurred to me that people that don't conform to society's standards and aren't the same, aren't weird. they're themselves. and what would happen to me next would show me more than anything in this world, that loving someone is absolutely not a choice. and looking back, i can count all the instances where i experienced something and brushed it off, or didn't know because of my own internalized homophobia; something that i dealt with even after i came out to my parents. learning is hard and at times it takes a long time to do. i've done a lot of learning, not only about other people, but about myself. and i've been taking this year to learn about the real me, because i fooled myself and everyone else for a long time.

i've always had a lot of friends, in a lot of places. the internet has been a safe place for me for a really long time. whether i wrote with friends online or talked because of bands or music or tv shows, different fandoms. i've made a ton of wonderful friends over the years based on common interests. when i was sixteen, i met a girl online that lived in california. we became very close friends and i considered her a best friend. she brought sunshine into my life, even on the darkest days and she lifted my spirits and made my life feel worth living. she sounds like a really good friend, right? well it's not quite like that. i developed very strong feelings for this person, so strong that they scared the crap out of me. i had never really experienced those feelings, but especially not for a girl. she gave me butterflies, she made me feel so amazing, and i wanted to spend all of my time with her. no one in my life had ever made me feel the way she did. finally, the stuff that people speak about in movies, books, and tv shows made sense to me. it felt, so scary and i felt so abnormal, but it felt so natural at the same time. it felt so wrong, but so right.

but naturally, due to the way i grew up and what deep in my heart i knew about these feelings, i knew that i couldn't do it. i couldn't experience this. i believed that lgbt+ individuals should love who they are meant to love, marry who they want to marry, and should be able to do every thing that any straight person could do. i believed that when this happened and i still believe that. so about a month after i started feeling things for my friend, i sat my very best friend down at warped tour (of all places, right?) and i told her i had something important to tell her. i couldn't even look her in the eye. i was so scared. i didn't know how to tell her, but i did. and she told me that she already figured it out. she is the very first person that ever knew. her initial reaction, as always, was "does your family know? have you told your mom? what would your grandma say?" and at the time i didn't have the answer to even one of those questions. i smiled a nervous smile, shrugged and said "i have no idea, haha. no, i can't tell anyone about this. no one can ever know." and we left it at that. i told her i couldn't date the person i had feelings for and i didn't understand any of it.

as that summer continued, things with us got more emotional. i went on a family vacation and made the decision last minute to go. but not before i put almost forty dollars worth of minutes on my phone so i wouldn't have to be apart from her on my trip. i kept that phone glued to my hand all twelve hours to my family's destination. in the mountains, when i had no service, i spent my time writing her letters and spraying them with my perfume. i joked that they always sounded like love letters, because they were. but i didn't want to admit that. i wanted her to read them and to think about me and how my perfume smelled like. i wanted to put a little piece of my heart in the envelope and mail it to california so she could always have a little piece of me. and yeah, that's sappy. but this made me feel sappy. because it mattered.

i was a very insecure person back then and i often struggled with body issues, at times self harm tendencies, and pretty bad emotional problems. i would often times have breakdowns, especially surrounding certain family issues going on at home or personal issues i had and she would, without a doubt, always be a text or message away in calming me down during anxiety attacks or bringing me back down to earth during a self destructive episode. i tried to take care of her in the best way i could when she needed that from me and she relentlessly did the same for me. she's the first person i'd message when i woke up or before i went to bed. they always gave me so many butterflies, but i was too scared to admit that a girl gave me butterflies, so i would call them something completely silly to try to take away from the seriousness of the situation. i called them "rubber chickens" because when i googled the definition of how she made me feel inside, google told me they were butterflies. and i knew i couldn't feel butterflies for a girl, when i'm a girl, so they suggested "warm fuzzies" and that felt too "gay" for me, so they became "rubber chickens".

we never spoke about it, which in hindsight seems crazy. i wouldn't talk about it and i think at that time, we both knew not to bring it up. in one breath i'd talk about an ex boyfriend or say "oh i'm straight" and in the next i'd be talking about how much i loved having her in my life or how she gave me "rubber chickens". there's this quote, i think it's, "i'm sorry to all the people i hurt while i was hurting" and i've never heard a truer quote in my life. when she would talk about her ex girlfriend or something, i would get undeniably jealous. i would get at times, aggressive, emotional, or upset. i couldn't tell her i wanted to be with her, but i didn't want her to be with anyone else either.

as time went on, i became extremely dependent on her. she became my rock and my main support system, my cheerleader, my best friend, and my girlfriend all in one. we were not together and we never discussed those things, that much. but i really, really loved her. she cared for me through my crazy problems, my most insecure days, and my anxiety attacks when i thought she'd walk out. she would always assure me she'd never leave my side, even if i pushed her away and i begged her not to let it happen.

during this period of time, i had a lot of guilt and anxiety about betraying God or making Him mad by my feelings. i knew that i hadn't chosen to feel things for this person and i knew that it came as a huge shock to me. it happened naturally and i never expected it to. but i also knew that while i didn't believe it for other people, that when it came to me, i had to be different. i worried that God would punish me or that i would go to hell for liking my friend. i barely understood my feelings, so how would God? i had many nights of trying to deal with or figure out how i could like this person, if i had never liked someone like this before and how i could like them if they were my same sex. i struggled with that greatly and it gave me severe anxiety, almost constantly.

near the end of the summer, i realized that i did not want to let this person go. our little fantasies about meeting up and doing things together, turned into things i wished could be a reality. the vacation changed a lot for me. i remember at one point my cousin took me on a walk across the beach around midnight. i loved the freedom and of course, took my phone with me because i couldn't be away from her. the text said something like "i wish i could be there with you. i wish we were there together. i would throw water at you" with some silly emoticon attached to it. and i swear, my heart flipped over in my chest. i looked down at my phone and smiled and my cousin turned to me and asked me "so what's his name?" and i said, it's no one. she kept asking and insisted i had to be talking to a boy because i wouldn't stop smiling. so, i rest my case. but the thing is, i did wish that. to be specific, i wished that i could hold her hand and walk with her at midnight. i wished that i could do everything with her. and in that moment, i really, really realized that. i couldn't and didn't want to live without this person in my life.

so i made the conscious decision to continue. i didn't know what that meant but i did believe in one thing for certain. God's always had my back and i wholeheartedly believe that if someone is put in your life and you have such a deep connection with them, that it would be a waste not to pursue that. people are placed in our lives for reasons we can't always understand and in this case i trusted that He put her in my life to help me or for me to help her. i didn't know how it would work or if it even would, but i decided i wouldn't push her away or out. and that i'd stay there as long as she wanted to stay there. we were young, but we wouldn't always be young. i didn't know what the future would hold, but i knew i wanted her there by my side.

i don't know how much of this part i want to tell, but around that time my ex boyfriend came back into my life. he had been missing after walking out entirely and disappearing about two years prior. it threw me for a loop and in my heteronormative mind, thought that it had to be a divine sign that i needed to be with a boy. that in some way, God tried to tell me that i shouldn't be doing this and that i needed to be with him. i don't want to get too into this because it upsets me a lot and i feel a little uncomfortable talking about it on the internet, but i basically hurt her. i hurt her, really really badly. i pushed her away and she tried her best to stay, even when i pushed her out. my feelings for her did not stop when i started dating my ex. they didn't go away and the relationship with my ex boyfriend didn't last. the entire situation taught me that it never would've worked because i didn't feel the way for my ex boyfriend that i should've.

i managed to push everything away and pretend like none of it ever happened. it was incredibly painful and i still to this day can't imagine what it felt like for the person that i had this with either. my mom would ask questions because she knew we were very close, my friend would ask questions because she knew and each time i would lie. i would lie completely. i acted like it never, ever happened. i internalized everything and a few months later, it started to eat me alive. not only did i miss her, but it hurt. little things would hurt. certain songs, certain movies, certain places. i can't begin to tell you how much it hurt, but i dealt with it. i would check up on her social medias, but i would rarely say anything. and when she started to date someone new, i reached out and she seemed happy to be talking to me. but i congratulated her on her new relationship and carried on. i acted like it never happened.

the next year, i developed feelings for another one of my friends and didn't realize it. i would do all kinds of unusual things. i would call her pretty all the time, sometimes save her instagram posts to my phone, and talk to her about really emotional things. i remember at one point telling my friend, "isn't she the prettiest girl you've ever seen?" i was eighteen and i had never really found a girl, super aesthetically pleasing before, but she changed that. of course, i would always say things like "oh i'm straight, i've never liked girls. i like boys" and things like that. but one day, i found out that she had a girlfriend, a new girlfriend and (okay i know she's reading this, hello this is awkward but you already know this story) it crushed me. pretty badly. and when i say pretty badly, i mean, crying in bed to sam smith for about three months, pretty badly. that fall became a repeated playlist of mary lambert's cover of jessie's girl and sam smith's stay with me, i'm not the only one, and leave your lover - over and over and over and over again. i think i drove my mom completely crazy singing along to that entire album. my friend found out, again and i told her how i felt about my friend that i liked entering a new relationship and she gave me this look and kind of just said ..okay that's weird, samantha. and it made me feel kinda bad, but i knew she didn't mean it in a negative way. but it got me thinking. why do i feel like this? she's my friend, shouldn't i be happy for her? i couldn't possibly want a girlfriend? why do i feel weird complimenting her appearance now? nothing seemed to click for me and i continued on with life and thinking that i just got really close to my friends.

some time went by and i started to make new friends and reconnect with old friends and i kind of came to the conclusion that i'm on the spectrum of asexuality. so everything kind of clicked in that sense. oh so that's why i don't like this or that, so that's why this or that grosses me out or i just have a general lack of interest in it. i have a great friend that is so knowledgeable and she's always been there to help me with these kind of things. she gave me some websites, one of them had an email to ask for help, and long story short two weeks after typing the email out i sent it. but by the time i'd gotten a response back, i figured out that i didn't need it. because i'd done my own research and knew for certain that it matched me.

i identified as heteroromantic asexual for a few months. but as time went on, i realized more and more that i found myself attracted to women physically and most certainly emotionally. i would connect with my queer female friends like i hadn't connected with anyone ever before. i've always had really good relationships with my friends, but basically after a few weird crushes here and there i realized, hey okay so girls, this could be a thing, right? and i thought. i started to deal with the feelings i felt when i liked a girl for the very first time. the way it affected me, the way that i felt after it happened, and what i missed during it. i finally accepted that it had happened and more than once. it had happened a handful of times. i had spent a long time liking girls and didn't realize it. sometime around this point, i went back to the person i had the initial feelings for and tried to explain and apologize. i apologized over the course of about close to going on two and a half years. i still don't know whether they believe me or not, but the point is that i very much regret what i did.

allowing myself to deal with those emotions, opened up a lot of things for me. a lot of pain, mostly. things got more difficult in 2016, with the election. i found myself dealing with severely homophobic comments from family who wanted a republican president to take away rights from lgbt+ people. near the end of 2016, i reached a point where i wanted to seriously hurt myself, i didn't want to be here anymore if i had to hide for the rest of my life and it became evident that i would need to come out to my mom at the very least, because keeping it inside slowly killed me emotionally. i had severe anxiety and some chronic pain and that brings us back to where we started.

coming out is the best decision i ever could've made. being able to talk to my mom about my feelings, is the best blessing. i don't have to hide anymore. i came out to my dad in may of this year. he already figured it out. he agreed to take me to my first pride.

going to pride is something that i've wanted to do since i've been comfortable enough to be as out as i am and it made me so happy. i had such a good time and such a great experience. the best feeling in the world. it feels like you aren't alone, you're right where you belong, and that every difficult thing you've endured is worth it. i cried every time i saw a pride flag and still can't believe i had such an amazing day. it really changed my life.

i am proud of the person that i am today. the other day, my mom read something in an adult coloring workbook or something like that. she said "this page says: tell us something new you're grateful for this year, that you didn't have before" or something like that. and she said "i don't know what to write, oh wait, yes i do. i learned that i have a beautiful gay daughter, that is perfect just the way she is" or something like that, and i swear i could've cried in that moment. at this time last year, i was up crying every night wondering what would happen if i told, or even worse, what would happen to my mental health if i didn't tell. my life has flipped entirely. and if you're not out or you're out to some people, i want you to know that even when things seem horrible. like you can not go on, like they couldn't get any better, it gets better. and i know that's kind of repetitive at this point and cliche but it's so true and i didn't believe it, until it happened for me.

this will get better. it does get better and it's going to keep getting better. thank you for reading. hope you enjoy what's to come.

#hi #lgbt #gay #gay and christian #uh what else #writing #yep

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