mental-health-advice

[mental-health-advice]

When is the time to end a friendship? When's the time to walk away? And of course I know this is a generic question. But I struggle with ending friendships when they should have been ended a long time ago. Or when I should have never become friends with this person

Hey there,

This is a really good question to ask!

To begin with, in order to best answer your question, I think it’s really important to first acknowledge that we all make friends with others who may not be the greatest for us or our overall mental health. We all make friendships with those people, sometimes more than once and this is OK and is normal so please don’t be too hard on yourself.

I guess that when a friend is impacting on us in a negative way, then this may be a warning sign that the friendship we have with them may be toxic for us. This can look different for different people, as we are all different and deal with different situations or friends differently so this is something to keep in mind as well. Some examples may be though but are not limited to:

Not being able to be your true self whilst being around the friend

Feeling as though the friendship is more one-sided, where the friend may be expecting more from you and not giving anything back

Feeling triggered or overwhelmed by the friend. This could also be after speaking to the friend about these issues if you feel comfortable in doing so (completely OK if you don’t by the way!)

Feeling as though you are not being heard by the friend or are being ignored by them

These are just some examples for why someone may end a friendship with someone but in saying this, some people may find that they are unable to end the friendship and this is OK. Ending a friendship has to be when the person is ready and cannot be forced upon someone. For example, you may find that the friendship that you may be in isn’t good for you at all but you may not yet feel able to end the friendship. Don’t be too hard on yourself if the latter is the case, you can only do what you feel able to at the time.

Ways in which one may end a friendship may be to have a conversation with the other friend and outlining reasons for why you feel it would best to end the friendship. Some people may find it easier to write a letter or send a text/ email and some people may also find it easier to just walk away from the friend and cut contact straight away. Whatever you decide to do/ how you choose to end a friendship is OK and of course, different people will feel comfortable with doing it in their own way as well. What I have mentioned are just some ideas.

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going OK!

Take care,

Lauren

#mha-lauren #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #anonymous #ending a friendship

[mental-health-advice]

I recently cut off a friend (we are both close to 30) because she was draining me emotionally and refused to change her behavior when I addressed it, but now that time has passed I am still grieving this friendship and need to know if I did the right thing.

For the past 2+ years this friend has obsessively texted me from the moment they woke up until they went to sleep, almost every day. This was easily over 30 texts a day. We had been friends for a while when this started and she was going through a bad break up and trouble at our mutual workplace, so at first I thought she was just reaching out during a crisis. But it never stopped and it just became normal to me.

This person is not my closest friend by several people, but the texts became more and more emotionally intimate - just constant updates about what she was doing or feeling during the day - all of her emotional ups and downs. It didn't matter if I ignored the texts, they just kept coming to the point that while on vacation with my family they asked me to mute her because it was visibly "ruining" my time off.

I admit that I didn't realize how odd this was partly because this started during peak COVID when a lot of people, including myself, were isolated and reaching out more, and partly because it was flattering that someone seemed to care so much about my opinions and wanted to talk to me so much.

But she seemed to fixate on me more and more. She made a private twitter account and asked me to follow it - it ended up just being me following it and none of her "best" friends. She used this twitter to share even more of her emotions including intense emotional and sexual thoughts about people she wanted to date. She also began texting me pictures of journal entries and I didn't know how to respond.

I finally realized how one sided this relationship was when she cut me off in the middle of telling a story about a work-related milestone that had just happened and was really important to me because she wanted to talk about her upcoming first date with someone she met on an app. I sat on that feeling and decided to address it with her. I told her at a private lunch that I felt we had fallen into a pattern where she relied on me for emotional support and intimacy. And that I didn't feel she always considered my emotions or what I may be going through before messaging me. I told her that I was going through a lot at the moment (abusive boss, family illnesses - all things she was aware of) and that just because I don't express it the same way that she does that doesn't mean it's not taking a toll on me. I said that I was happy that she was finding joy in dating again, but I would like a boundary where we don't talk about the ups and downs of each date. I would be happy to meet this person when she wants me to or be there for her if there is something serious to discuss, but it is a lot for me to be there for all of the emotional ups and downs of dating on top of the other things she texts me about as well as my own personal struggles unrelated to her.

At first she apologized profusely and said she was being a bad friend, which I denied because she couldn't know that something is upsetting me unless I tell her. I just asked that in the future could she please consider my feelings or what I may be going through before messaging me. She then proceeded to ignore me in person for over a week, but would still text me about herself, never asking me about myself. This made me feel used and I started to ignore her in return.

However, I felt that I had to give her time to adjust to the boundary and asked to have lunch again to check in. She said she was avoiding me because by asking her to consider her behavior in the future I reminded her of our abusive boss (who has objectively and publicly lashed out at me in ways she has not experienced). She also said that I was invalidating her dating efforts because she only wanted to talk to me about it. She said that there are things she only tells me and her journal.

I apologized, but afterwards I just felt angry. I felt it was manipulative to compare me to our mutual abuser. If she didn't mean to be manipulative, then it at least demonstrated how she can't think about my feelings because she cannot see how much our boss has abused me and how that might affect my feelings separate from her. I didn't appreciate being compared to a journal, but I realized it was an accurate comparison. I feel that she has treated me like an inanimate object who should hold her feelings but have none of my own.

She kept messaging me - again just about herself, never asking about me. I responded but didn't give it the same energy as before to distance myself. I didn't try to engage with her in person but neither did she - she never asked to have coffee or lunch like we used to. I got the feeling that she expected me to make things better, but I didn't feel the need to do that work for someone who doesn't think they should have to think about my feelings - especially after I went through the effort to be direct about what was upsetting me.

I am mourning the closeness I thought I had in this friendship and the way it made me feel like my thoughts mattered. But the more I look back, the more I realize this friendship was about me being there for her feelings with very little reciprocity. I feel guilty, but I also don't think it's fair to be assigned as someone's caregiver. I wanted a mutual friendship, not to be a mom or therapist. I was on call for her emotions - and she expected me to be - for over two years. I asked her to be more considerate about my feelings and she couldn't do it for one week. But then the guilt says, did I ruin everything?

Hey there,

After reading your Ask I do not feel as though you were in the wrong for the decision that you made to cut contact with this friend at all. It is fairly evident that you did everything that you could have to ask her to be a bit more considerate to yourself and to also try to put a few boundaries into place. This is and was a really positive step to take on your behalf as friendships should not just be one-sided which is what it sounded like your friendship with this person was. With saying this though, it is quite normal to grieve the loss of this friendship (no matter if it was toxic or not) and to question yourself on if you did the right thing or not in the actions that you took. Try to be kind to yourself though, as I know how hard it can be with a one-sided friendship and how it can play on your mind and make you feel like you were the bad person in ending the friendship when in reality you were just doing what you needed to do for you and to enable yourself to work through your own life struggles to the best of your ability without being bombarded by someone with what they were going through as well. I guess what I am trying to say is that I personally feel as though you did everything right for you and that you acted in ways that you personally needed to at the time, and there is nothing wrong with doing this at all!

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going well!

Take care,

Lauren

#mha-lauren #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #anonymous #friendship #toxic #cutting contact

[mental-health-advice]

How to stop yelling at my mother?

Whenever I make a mistake or dont immediately hear or understand what my mother says she yells at me and often insults me, calls me a slur, etc. I used to just wait for it to stop and/or apologize, but she has forbidden me from doing so. At one point, I would run away to the bathroom or my room and hide there, but this would enrage her further, so I stopped. Recently, I have become more irritable and more prone to angry outbursts. A few times I've yelled at her and then hit the walls to take my anger out. This caused her to say that I'm ungrateful and that all these years she has raised a snake on her bosom and stuff like that. Sometimes, I try to calm myself by doing breathing exercises or closing my ears, but sometimes I get too angry. I feel really bad about this, because she has multiple chronic illnesses and getting angry or sad is tough on her, but I cannot find how to not anger her at all. If I don't understand a thing, I make a mistake or take a long time doing the thing she has asked me to, which angers her. If I ask a question, she gets angry and insults me.

Hey there,

I think in situations like you are in right now, that communication is key. I know that talking and being completely honest and transparent with your mother may seem really scary but without honest communication between the both of you, then things may not improve.

Would you feel comfortable in talking to your mother at all? It doesn’t need to be anything in depth to begin with but maybe a simple “when you do or say this is makes me feel..” may be helpful to begin with and open the lines of communication between you both. Now, I know that this won’t be easy at all but this is why I suggest starting small and hopefully the conversation will flow from there.

It must be really difficult for the both of you and it sounds as though your emotions feed off each other in a negative way. And so, it may be helpful at times to try and get a break from your mother and maybe hang out with a friend and/ or do something that you enjoy doing outside of the house and away from your mother for a short period of time at least. This may give you both an opportunity to have a break from each other and enable you both to then start a fresh when you come back home without the rising of emotions building up inside if that makes sense.

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going OK!

Take care,

Lauren

#mah-lauren #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #anonymous #emotions #anger #mother

[mental-health-advice]

Hi! I don't know if Lauren still answers asks. Or maybe there are more than 1 Lauren's. But several years ago I'd hit a rough patch and Lauren's advice had helped me quite a bit. I got reminded of it today, and really wanted to thank Lauren again. Thanks a bunch Lauren for your kindness and wise words ♥︎♡♥︎

Hey there,

Thankyou so much for your kind words. I really appreciate it! I am just happy that I was able to help you throughout the rough patch in your life that you endured.

I hope that you are going well!

Take care,

Lauren

#mha-lauren #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #anonymous

[mental-health-advice]

Hello!

(tw mentions of sh but nothing graphic)

I really dont know if this is the place for this, if so simply being able to write this out is probably helpful. I am in a romantic relationship with someone who self harms (were both 19). This was a thing i knew about before we got together, we were both going through a rough patch then and bonded a lot of beinf able to talk about our problems, i think back then i was so busy dealing with my own mountain of problems and thoughts of self inury (that i luckily never followed through on) that worry for someone else didnt even fit.

While all the resources I can find are really helpful im at a bit of a loss now, ive done everything right, i already had expierience with other friends and myself. They are in therapy and are on the path to healing, take good care of the wounds generally and we can openly comunicate about this and generally have been able to do so effectively.

These last few months however theres been more slip ups than before. I know progress is not linear, and its still much a work in progress (this has been an issue for 7 years, 1 year of recovery is obviously nothing). I am incredibly proud of the progress they have made, last year it was twice weekly trips to the ER, so even twice a month is huge already. also know they wont be able to quit or even signficantly reduce the self harm until they move out, since their family is unstable and does everything wrong (gets angry, threatens with ultimatums, generally extremely scared of their scars).

last few times with a slip up its made me freak out too, I have an anxiety disorder which this now triggers (i used to have a slightly better grip on this) I try to remain calm and helpful for their sake, but its mostly incredibly upsetting im not there to help them, and i know being there to talk helps but ive run out of material ways to help. It also feels like it proves my fear that something will always go wrong, which can lead me to have panic attacks. Ive talked about this with them of course and we get through it together, i really want to be better at keeping a slightly leverer head though. I used to have counceling too who helped me, but since i turned 18 and finished school im now on a waitinglist for adult help, and while talking to other friends helps somewhat its still generally makes me panic, sleep badly and sometimes have nightmares. I really love them, whenever were together we bring out the best in eachother and im afraid if i talk about this too much to people theyll tell me to break up with them.

we have plans to move in together for university next year, which im sure will help a lot (i know they wont magically heal then either, but ill be there as a more sturdy support and theyll be able to access ER, etc without being shamed) and ill have a therapist again then too, so its just these coming months that are going to be very rough. I just never know how to calm myself down, i know its not rational (they are hurt but never badly, they always talk to me about it, their psychologist will generally help too) i also know im allowed to feel sad and scared, i just want to be more in control.

back when i had a therapist she used to talk about trying to stay at my own feelings, not getting dragged down into someone else. But i just dont know how to do that, whenever it happens its just so sad and i hate it. No matter how much i remind myself even after ive allowed myself a period to be sad that itll be okay and they are relatively safe and i see them every week it feels so awful. Its not very tennable to ruin my whole night, next day on this every time. sorry this is sooo long but i feel the context is important as ive gone through a lot of advice, thank u tho.

Hey there,

Whilst I think that it is great that you have been able to help this person for such a long period of time, unfortunately it is not always sustainable no matter how much we would like it to be. This though doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t try if you want to, I am just trying to point out that unless you look after yourself too and put a bit of a barrier between you and this person then it is likely that things may not change or improve for YOU.

I know how great it can feel when we help another and especially when we see such big improvements for the person we are trying to help and support, but the end line is that we can only do so much until we ourself begin to crumble or struggle a bit (which it sounds like you are to some degree) and so I am wondering if you can put some space between this person and you at all to focus on yourself a bit more and self-care may be of some benefit to you.

In regards to this person, any day of no self-harm is an amazing achievement and no amount of set backs or slip ups/ relapses can take these achievements away from them. It’s important to know that that recovery comes from within and so unless this person chooses to and is ready to focus on their recovery then it is unlikely that things will change for them and they will still be in survival mode. This is in no way your fault, and nor is there much you can do about it as we cannot choose recovery for another person, it has to be when they are ready and choose to try to commit. And even then, it’s quite normal to go back to survival mode and go back and forth between recovery and not, this does not mean they are not still trying, but rather they are just human like everyone of us are. I remember in my own recovery away from self-harm I did go in and out of trying to not self-harm depending on how strong I felt on the day and what triggers may have come up that made me want to self-harm, this didn’t mean I wasn’t trying or that, it was just that I was really struggling and the urges to self-harm were too strong to try and fight them.

So, what can you do?

To begin with try to be patient with yourself and this person and know that even when they seem to not be trying, they actually are. Try to put some space in between you and this person to enable you to look after yourself too. You can do this by practising good self-care (trying to eat healthy, doing some exercise a few times a week and trying to get a good nights sleep) and tyring to have some ‘down time’ where you can simply just think about yourself and do some things that you enjoy doing whatever that may be. I know that you may feel selfish and bad for taking some time out for yourself, but if you don’t look after yourself then it won’t be sustainable to help support others and be there for them if you choose to do so.

In regards to how it can make you feel when this person does self-harm or is struggling quite a bit, as your therapist mentioned to you, try to take a step back and allow yourself some time to grieve or feel sad and try to be kind to yourself – I know how it can feel like a loss to you as well when someone is struggling and self-harms as a result, but in reality it has nothing to do with you and how much or how little you are there for the, it is bound to happen anyway and this in no way reflects on you and how good a job you may be doing to support them through difficult times and days.

I know that you mentioned that it can cause great anxiety when they do self-harm now, and so when this happens, again, try to be kind to yourself and do try to take some time out for you. And I know, this is much easier said than done, but it will get easier though with practice and it may also be helpful to check out our page on calming anxiety and panic as well for some more ideas on different coping strategies.

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going OK!

Take care,

Lauren

#mha-lauren #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #anonymous #self-harm #supporting others

[mental-health-advice]

I'm 34 days self-harm clean but it feels like I haven't actually accomplished anything. I feel like I may as well have never been a day clean. Nothing's changed for the better aside from the scars starting to fade. My mental state isn't really getting better— on the contrary, it's deteriorating. My fuse is running so incredibly short lately to the point I almost relapsed at 32 days over a LEGO set not cooperating.

I just don't know why I have no sense of accomplishment. I don't get why my working so hard to quit isn't helping in the slightest.

I feel stupid.

Hey there,

Firstly, you are not stupid at all and nor should you feel like you are. In saying this though I can understand why you might be feeling this way and it is valid 100%. Please try to be kind to yourself though and know that any day free of self-harm is an amazing achievement – even if you slip up now and again, it doesn’t erase the days that you didn’t self-harm!

I think that for some people, different things help different people, and so I am wondering if it is really helpful for you to keep count over how many days you have been self-harm free for. Of course, it is nice to know how you are traveling in regards to how long you haven’t self-harmed for, but it can be also be more of a negative thing to do to focus on this every day. One thing that I found helpful for myself is downloading a counter app on my phone to help keep track of how many days I have gotten to, but not allowing myself to look at it every single day but rather every week or two, or further apart. By not focusing on the days on a daily basis, you may then find that you are able to focus on other things, like coping strategies, and other things that you could implement to help to make the days a bit more bearable for you.

Are you seeking therapy right now for your mental health? Sometimes it can be really helpful to talk to someone who has some understanding of what you are going through and they can help you to work on things like your self-worth and the little things that you have accomplished each day to help you stay motivated and feel like the day hasn’t been a complete waste. I find each night, sometimes writing down or at least thinking about two positive things that has happened for me throughout the day really helpful. These things could be anything from just getting out of bed, or feeling a bit better within yourself. My positives for today, is that I am once again an Aunty to my second niece, and I finished a diamond art picture for someone. Is this something you could perhaps give a go? At the very least I find doing this makes me think about the day overall and what went well and not so well throughout my day and then just trying to focus on the good things before going to bed.

I also want you to know that it is completely normal to have slip ups with self-harm or relapse with it. It’s not something that you should beat yourself up about, but rather try to be kind and compassionate towards yourself. Having a slip up now and again or relapsing does not dimmish how hard you are and have worked and nor does it erase the previous days you have made it through with not self-harming. It just means you have had a bad day/s and allows you (when you are ready) to have a think about what is working for you, what isn’t and if there are any changes that you could implement to further your recovery away from self-harm.

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going OK!

Take care,

Lauren

#mha-lauren #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #anonymous #self-harm

[mental-health-advice]

My family is extremely judgmental about almost everything I’m not even talking about stuff about me but it just gets very frustrating to deal with

Hey there,

It must be really difficult for you in regards to your family being really judgemental to you and other things that happens in life. I am wondering if you have ever felt or been comfortable with talking to them about them being so judgemental. Perhaps you could say something like..

“I find it really difficult when you judge me and others and..”

And from there, try to think about a few things that may be helpful for them to do in order to treat or react to you better instead.

I think that it’s really helpful that when a person is doing a behaviour or reacting to us in a way that is not helpful for us at all, then to try to brain storm ways in which they can change and what they could try to do instead. I know that this won’t be an easy process but it will at least be a start and from there maybe you and your family could work together in making changes that will be of benefit for all. It’s also important to note too that sometimes people may be judgemental because that is all that they know on how to act/ react to people. This is why it’s so important to talk about this stuff with them because if you can’t communicate to others with something that they may be doing that isn’t helpful for you then there is a good chance that nothing will change at all and that things will stay the same. So, my question to you is would you feel comfortable in bringing this up with your family? Perhaps you could just chat to one member of your family first, see how that goes and go from there. Just an idea!

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going well!

Take care,

Lauren  

#mha-lauren #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #anonymous #family #judging others #being judgemental

[mental-health-advice]

A friend of mine is gonna come over and of course I wanna see them but im also scared how my parents will react bc my friend dresses very alternatively and my parents are extremely traditional immigrants and think anyone who has a different look is “weird” idk what to do 😶

Hey there,

It can be so nice when we have friends come over to our place for a visit/ to hang out, but it can also be quite stressful for many reasons depending on different circumstances. It sounds like for you, you are really worried about how your parents will view your friend, how they may judge them. Is there a way where you can try to convey to your friend before they come over a bit about your parents and what they expect from others, including on how they dress. I know that this might be a difficult conversation to have but there is nothing at all wrong with talking to a friend about this if you do it with caution and casually. From there your friend can choose whether to take what you said on board and if not (which is completely up to them) then at least they may be aware of what they could expect from visiting you at your house. Of course, another option may also be to have a quiet chat to your parents about your friend. Perhaps you could mention that this friend of yours is a really good friend but when they come over that they may dress a little differently to what your parents are use to. Whilst this may be hard for your parents to take on board, I think it’s really important to make sure that all parties involved (both your parents and your friend) have an understanding of each other’s expectation but also about if any issues that may arise throughout the visit.

I think that once your friend is over, that things will just fall into place and I’m hoping that your parents will be accepting of your friend and that the visit goes to plan and well. Definitely try talking to your friend though about how they dress and ask if they could tone it down a bit in order to make the visit go a bit smoother. Try not to stress too much though, you may just find you are overthinking all of this and stressing over nothing at all.

I hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way! I also hope that your friend coming over goes really well!

I’m thinking of you!

Take care,

Lauren

#mha-lauren #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #anonymous #friend #coming over

[mental-health-advice]

Hi, I just wanted to vent and ask for advice. I'm a 14F, and I've been struggling with anxiety. I haven't been diagnosed, or even tested because I can't tell anyone anything that I've been struggling with. I've never cried, it started when I cried after I got hurt at a sports game and my dad told me to stop crying. I can't remember if he said this, but I remember the words "you're embarrassing yourself" that could be the start of my deprecating thoughts. I struggle with self love sometimes. I just look in the mirror and I think to myself that I look ugly. I even look back at old photos and videos I thought I looked good in and just see some ugly girl. I'm not exactly the most social person, but I don't have trouble talking to most people. I tend to be loud and boisterous(?) during class with my friends and with boys I like. I'm not here to talk about boys though. I just feel all this pressure on me which I put on myself. I have to be the smartest, the nicest, not a mean person although I have mean humor sometimes. I have to not say anything because my brother is having anxiety etc. issues and my parents think I'm the "normal" one. I have to be cool, and I've started to crack. I cry every second day. I used to not cry for a year, have one bad day, and cry for 5 minutes. I was 10-13. Am I in the wrong? Is something messed me up? My parents aren't abusive, they tell me and my brother they love me all the time. But one time I didn't get any information about an award at my school and my mum questioned it. She didn't think I wasn't going to get an award because I get them all the time. Because of my intelligence which I put pressure on myself for. I can't talk to anyone and it makes my parents upset and I have no solutions. Even now I'm trying to cry but I'm thinking that I'm being dramatic, and I'm not worth being able to cry and I'm thinking that I have no problems worth crying. This isn't helping the weight on my chest and in my throat go away even though it usually works. I just feel so worthless sometimes and I wonder if Im a poorer version of myself that I used to be. Am I really the best me? Because I can't help but feel that past mes would hate seeing me as I am now.

The thing I'm asking you guys is what to do? Im not able to try counseling because I can't talk to anyone. Please help if you can, but if you can't don't worry about it. Please respond though so I know you have no solutions.

Thanks,

M

Hey there,

Firstly, there is always a solution/s to any problems that a person may have, sometimes you just need to think outside of the box to find them!

It is quite normal to cry, even on a regular basis and so I find it unusual to hear of a person who may not cry for a whole year only to then have a bad day or two, cry for a short period of time and then not cry for another year or so. I am not saying that this doesn’t happen, but crying is a healthy way of getting through life and especially if we are having (like you mentioned) a really bad day or if you are struggling with something or feel as though everything is just way too much and you just need an outlet of some kind to release what may be building up or erupting from inside of you.

It must have been so difficult for you when your Dad mentioned to you that when you cried after being injured at a sports game, that he told you to stop because you were embarrassing yourself. Sometimes, crying can just be automatic. So for example something happens or we get hurt either physically or emotionally and so our immediate reaction is to cry. This is OK. This is normal. And so maybe it was more to do with your Dad feeling uncomfortable with the fact that you were crying, even though in life, there is nothing wrong at all with crying and it is something that we all do and at times cannot control.

I am so sorry that you feel as though you cannot speak up to your parents in regards to your own struggles due to your brother having his own anxieties and other things going on for him. It’s important to know though that you are important too though and your parents won’t love you any less for allowing yourself to tell them that you struggle with anxiety yourself but often feel like you have to be completely OK and/ or the normal one. Often when we have siblings who struggle and it is known by our parents, we can often feel overlooked or not get as much attention as compared to our other sibling/s due to our parents feeling as though we do not need as much because we are OK and normal. This is why it’s important to try to be as honest as you can with your parents because as you already said the cracks are starting to show, and so wouldn’t it be easier to let them know now before you begin to feel worse or things start getting worse for you? It’s never too late to put your hand up to your parents or anyone really and just say ‘help’ or ‘I’m not OK either’, so I would gently recommend you talking to your parents if you feel able and comfortable in doing so – even if it’s through a letter if this is easier for you to do.

In regards to struggling with self-love, it sounds as though you may have low self-esteem and so you look down upon yourself and everything that you do and see about and within yourself. So it may be beneficial to work on building up your self-esteem slowly – I say slowly because if we do anything too fast then we can easily become overwhelmed which will only worsen the situation.

So, how can a person build up their self-esteem?

You could try to do things like each week or day thinking of one thing about yourself that you actually like. It could be in regards to your personality or something about your looks. So for me, one thing I really do like about myself is my hair – I don’t know why but I just do and feel as though I’d be lost without it!

Another idea may be to write out a list of positive things about yourself. So, what are you good at? What qualities do you have about yourself? Are you a caring and kind person. Are you better at one thing over another. What do you enjoy doing. What are your favourite hobbies or interests. Writing out positive things about yourself (and they could include anything) can be really helpful and especially re-reading through them when we are really struggling, it can also help us to think about other things we like and can re-enforce to us that we are actually an OK person and there is nothing wrong with us at all!

Also trying to be kind to yourself and allowing yourself to feel whatever emotion that comes up. So whether this is anger, sadness, happiness or joy. Allow these emotions to come and go and remind yourself that any emotion you are feeling is OK and is completely valid. Meaning that it’s also OK to cry, about anything, big or small. We all find ourselves crying at different things depending on the person we are inside, so never doubt or feel like you shouldn’t be crying yourself – it’s OK and is a valid thing to do whenever you need to!

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going well!

Take care,

Lauren

#mha-lauren #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #M #anxiety #crying #self-love

[mental-health-advice]

Tag List

Hey there,

I have just updated the tag list which you can check out here!

I hope you are going well!

Take care,

Lauren

#mha-lauren #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #tag list

[mental-health-advice]

Tw homophobia. Was at a relatives house and they said incredibly homophobic things like how it’s being “pushed” onto us w how there was a gay couple kissing on new years on tv and he wanted to “throw up” and a bunch of other transphobic shit as someone who isn’t straight I felt incredibly uncomfortable hearing these hateful words esp bc I thought he was a nice man but he’s obviously not

Hey there,

I am so sorry to hear that one of your relatives was so horrible and said all that they said which of course would offend a lot of people out there. I think that it’s important to try to separate the comments that he made and how he is in other aspects of his life though. I say this because we are all intitled to our own opinions and how we feel, and sometimes people will voice these such opinions, but it doesn’t mean that they are not a nice person overall.

So, my question to you is, do you think you may be able to separate what happened at your relative’s place and try to think about how he was like before voicing his uncomfortable and horrible comments out loud. I know that nothing will really make things better or stop how you must feel about him right now, but sometimes it’s important that we try to focus on the past good things a person has done and try not to judge them by what they may say on one occasion. I am not defending your relative, but I am trying to help broaden what you see in him now and how that doesn’t make him a bad or horrible person as a whole if that makes sense. So, try to be kind to yourself and if you can’t forgive your relative for what they said, this is OK, but try to give them the benefit of doubt if you can before the possibility of severing what was once a good relationship with them.

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going OK!

Take care,

Lauren

#mha-lauren #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #anonymous #homophobia

[mental-health-advice]

I’ve started to notice a pattern and I don’t know what to do about it. My partner always gets angry and makes me feel guilty if I don’t want to have sex. I’m disabled so sometimes I’m sick or in too much pain, or I’m tired, or not in the right mood, or I just don’t want to, but they get mad every single time. They tell me it’s okay and that they’re not upset then minutes later they’re all pissy and angry. They rationalize it to me as “it’s a rejection”, “it makes me feel unwanted”, “my needs aren’t being met” then goes “I’m not trying to guilt you I’m just frustrated because you’re hot and I miss you.” I fall for it every single time. I’ve tried to tell them how it makes me feel like I’m being manipulated, then they blow up at me and tell me that I shouldn’t be upset because they’re not trying to guilt me and they’re just feeling lonely and touch starved and they’re allowed to be angry about it. I feel like they’re right. I do have to say no a lot, and I understand why they’d be disappointed, but it’s not like we don’t have sex at all. We do often, but a lot of the time I just say yes so they don’t get mad. I feel icky afterwards. I don’t know what to do because we moved 3000 mi from home, I don’t have friends/family to turn to and I can’t afford to leave. I just don’t know what to do.

Hey there,

Whilst it is amazing that you have started to notice a pattern with your partner and them getting angry at you when they want to have sex with you, I think it’s more than OK and rational for you to say no at anytime regardless of if you are feeling sick or in pain, and this is something that your partner should respect. I know that it would be incredibly difficult in the moment though in regards to feeling pressured or manipulated into having sex, but you have every right to say no and you should never feel as though you need to say yes just because your partner may be feeling touch starved or lonely.

I can completely understand how hard it must be to saying no your partner a lot of the time to have sex but it sounds like this is more of an issue for your partner than you. For example, it sounds as though maybe your partner is becoming very dependent on you and doesn’t always understand that you have to put yourself first at times and this may look like taking some time out for yourself without your partner. I am wondering if your partner has any local friends or hobbies/ interests. If not, then maybe it would be beneficial for your partner to get out a bit and find some things that they enjoy doing either alone or with other people every now and again. This will not only allow you to have some space but it will also allow your partner to engage with other people and consequently may make them feel a little less lonesome.

In regards to your partner wanting to have sex because you are ‘hot’ and they ‘miss you’ I do not have any answers or suggestions for this other than trying to sit down with your partner and talk to them about how you feel sometimes and that sometimes it can just be nice to do other things together other than just have sex. Things like for example watching a movie together or going out for a picnic or just doing something out of the norm for you too.

I do hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going OK!

Take care,

Lauren

#mha-lauren #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #anonymous #partner #sex

[mental-health-advice]

TW: detailed wound and detailed surgical procedures ok so, when i was 14ish (i'm now almost 16) i got attacked by a cow and it sliced my chin in 2, it wasn't as traumatizing as you might think, the trip to the hospital was worse when they more or less had to push me into the room. (though I believe this affected my parents way more than it did me) Anyway, since it was an emergency surgery, they didn't really care how my chin looked like as long as it was patched up. This resulted in my chin being smaller than it used to be, think of it like your typical side profile, but it looks like the person's jaw is slightly pushed back. So there's that and the fact that there's a good ol scar on my chin. I didn't used to be insecure about it, frankly, I didn't care. But ever since I've been discharged from the hospital and my chin healed, my mom always told me to put concealer on it or my dad told me to try to use my tongue to push out my chin to make it look normal. Ok whatever, I knew they came from a good place, and don't blame them at all. However... some months ago, my mom took me to a clinic for a procedure. Keep in my mind I've never asked for something to be done to my chin, I've never thought about it, but my mom insisted on taking me so that "I don't feel insecure when I start highschool" which ironically, made me pay more attention to something I wasn't insecure about. That plastic procedure was one of the most horrible experiences of my life. I'll spare you the details, but they injected something in my chin and I could feel the needles in my chin moving and it was so terrible. The worst part is that after that hell was done, it didn't even make much of a difference when I looked in the mirror. Now I'm insecure more than ever about my chin and scar, and I know my parents didn't mean to make me feel bad, but now I hate my appearance even more than I used to.

Hey there,

I am so sorry that your parents have made you feel so insecure in a way about your looks that it has affected you so greatly in a negative way. It sounds like to me, but this is just my assumption, but it sounds as though your parents were more insecure about your chin and how it looked more than you hence your Mum suggesting and taking you to the clinic to have a plastic surgery to try to make your chin look a bit better. Due to this (and I know that this doesn’t help you right now) but I’m wondering how much they themselves try to look good. This may help to explain why your parents have done/ reacted like they have to you regarding your chin and may suggest that they themselves are the one’s who are more concerned about someone’s looks than what other people are.

But, what can you do now?

I know that everything that has happened with the procedure to hopefully make your chin look a bit better and with how your parents have treated you in regards to it, has made you feel really subconscious about your appearance and your looks in general, but try to remind yourself of how you felt when no one paid any attention to it and you felt ‘normal’. Try to remind yourself that it’s not what one’s appearance that is most important but rather the person that they are in the inside and their personality that make them who they truly are. Yes, looks and appearances are something that all people think about at one time or another but the more you do focus on your chin and it being different, the more other people will also bring attention to it. I know it’s not easy to not focus on your looks/ appearance, but maybe you could put up some post it notes around your mirror in the bathroom or in your room reminding yourself of who you really are as a person. And yes, in high school others may comment on your chin, but those that see past that are the ones that are true friends. Everyone has imperfections about themselves, things they do not like about how they look, so maybe even try to remind yourself that no one looks perfect, and looks are just that, looks and how you may perceive yourself as being.

Talking to your parents may also be helpful in the sense of letting them know that when they comment or focus on how your chin looks, it isn’t helpful at all for you at all and it actually makes you feel worse. I know, as you also mentioned, that your parents are coming from a good place, but it doesn’t mean you can’t have a quiet word with them in regards to how else they may be able to help you to feel a bit more comfortable in your own skin!

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going OK!

Take care,

Lauren

#mha-lauren #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #anonymous #appearances #chin #plastic surgery

[mental-health-advice]

Hi there, honestly not to sure where to start with this - however this consistently returns to make me worry and I’m not sure what to do.

I don’t think I have the ability to grieve properly, or to form proper connections with other people hence leading to a difficulty to grieve. As a child I was always a very overly emotional person, any prospect of death would bring me to tears.

When I was around 14 my Computer Science teacher passed away. He’d been one of my favourite teachers, he made me laugh, he never minded that I did poorly in his classes, he was always there for me when I needed. And, yet, when he passed away I didn’t cry. I was sorta dumbfounded, shocked, my mom told me what had happened and I sat in silence in my room and watched YouTube videos. And then I started to ruminate, why didn’t I feel anything? Why wasn’t I crying? I should be distraught, and yet I wasn’t. I guess after this I started to harbour this sorta guilt, this idea that I’d never grieved this man properly because what if I’d never really cared about him, what if I just lacked something and was emotionally stunted. It’s weird, cause I’ve been brought to tears as I type this, but back then when it actually happened I didn’t feel enough at all.

Since then other people in my life have passed away. My grandma passed away three years ago, when she died I did cry - I had to get taken out of school. I also cried at her funeral, yet after she passed I accepted that she was gone very quickly, and never really mourned her death after that. Then that guilt returns, that worry that I never actually loved her or cared about her. Why don’t I miss her as much as my other family members do? What is wrong with me?

As I’m typing this right now, my grandpa has started to get very very old. Health-wise he’s fine, but I’m sorta overcome with this constant worry that he’s suddenly going to pass away, and that when that happens I’ll be unable or incapable of grieving. And I always feel so guilty about this, the fact that I’m more worried about my own reaction to death than the actual death itself. This is all so confusing but I don’t really know who to turn to or talk to about this. I’m so worried that I didn’t feel enough or love these people enough, that I have this inability to care or lack empathy. Occasionally this guilt builds up, and there are days when it’s the only thing I think about and days like that usually end in tears. But I don’t know how to explain myself, how am I supposed to go to my parents and explain that I have no idea how to grieve? I know grief can form in many different ways, in a way I feel like I’m still grieving for my ICT teacher and my grandma cause I felt like I never grieved them properly the first time. I’m sorry that this ask is just so much, but I really don’t know who to turn too and I just feel like I need to explain how I feel to someone.

Hey there,

Firstly, I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your grandma and your ICT teacher from school.

Grief, like you mentioned can and does come out in many different ways and forms and just because you cried over one person’s death and not another person’s, it does not mean that you cared about them any less. It’s only normal to go back and forward through the 5 stages of grief, or even to skip them or go through them in any order. These stages are denial, anger, barraging, depression and acceptance.

To me, it sounds as though when your ICT teacher passed, you went through a bit of denial and this then turned into a bit of anger towards yourself and also guilt for feeling as though you should have done or felt a certain way to show that you cared about him and especially as he was one of your favourite teachers. These feelings you felt were and are very real and valid, but it’s also important to try to reinforce and remind yourself that everyone deals and copes with death in different ways and so perhaps how you reacted when your ICT passed away was because you weren’t sure how to feel due to him being a teacher and not a family member. Just a thought. You may have also been feeling a bit confused due to still being so young, plus it can be really hard to mourn the loss of someone when there are only certain ways you feel you can show your love and care towards people when they pass away. I acknowledge that it’s hard, it’s really hard, but due to you feeling as though you haven’t grieved properly (not that there is a right or wrong way) could you maybe do a little something for yourself in his memory?

It must have been so difficult when you then lost your grandma and it making you feel even more confused due to mourning her in a very different way as compared to your ICT teacher and feeling as though you accepted this loss more easily than with your ICT teacher. It’s only normal though to get through different losses of people in different ways. No death of a person is the same, and different memories of our time with them can sometimes trigger certain emotions in us. This may help to explain why you cried when you lost your grandma but not when your ICT teacher died.

Try to be kind to yourself and know that there is nothing at all wrong with you. We all deal with things very differently and in our own way and sometimes this may look very differently each time, for example when we lose someone in our life, whether it be through death or them moving on in their own direction in life.

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going OK!

Take care,

Lauren

#mha-lauren #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #anonymous #grief

[mental-health-advice]

Hi. I was hoping you can help me.

People from my past, who I deeply cared about, even loved, neglected me, lied to me, cheated on me, gaslighted me. My parents emotionally abused me as well. So I have developed this trauma and as a result, I always think that all of the relationship I'm going to be in will always be like the ones I had from the past.

Now, I have a fiancé. We love each other dearly. The problem is I always assume that I'm not wanted or loved. I feel neglected and ungrateful even when he is doing so much for me emotionally. He is very kind, understanding, and supportive. Yet I always assume that he will just get tired of me and leave me like all my past partners did. Now I'm afraid that he would, indeed, get tired of me and leave me if I keep on accusing him that he doesn't love me.

How do I stop these negative thoughts and feelings about him? I don't want to lose him and I want to get better so I can love him better.

Hey there,

It must have been really difficult growing up with how you were treated and abused by the people that were closest to you in your life.

I can hear in your Ask how worried you are in regards to your fiancé getting tired of always comforting you and reminding you of how much he loves you and consequently him leaving you. I am not sure if you have tried this already but could you perhaps write a list of those who have hurt you in the past and the people you now have in your life and how much better they treat you. Sometimes if we are able to separate the past from our current life then we are more able to then focus on what we do have, and in your case, how much your fiancé loves you and how much you love him. If you are able to write this list which I think would be really beneficial for you if you did, then try to re-read over it when you are fearing that all relationships will be like how they were for you in the past with others hurting and emotionally abusing you to help to remind you that not all relationships are that way (past relationships verse current relationships with people.)

Another thing you could try doing is to reiterate to your fiancé how you are feeling with your fears of him getting sick of you and leaving you. Perhaps he may have some more ideas on how best to support you through these tough times or will be able to help you to do something to help you to refocus on the present and your future and the fact that your past is now in the past and the present moment and your future with your fiancé is what is most important. Sometimes even doing some mindfulness work in the sense of focusing on the present moment like focusing on your surroundings can be helpful. Or writing a list of hopes and goals for your future and how you may be able to accomplish those things. The point is to refocus your attention from your past and past bad relationships with people and try to focus more on your future and what is happening around you and for you right now.

It may also be helpful to talk to someone like a counsellor or therapist about your past and how it is now impacting on you now with your current relationships. If you were able to work through some of what you went through growing up then perhaps it wouldn’t be impacting on your life like it is currently. Just a thought!

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going OK!

Take care,

Lauren

#mha-lauren #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #anonymous #fiancé

[mental-health-advice]

All my life the majority of my friends have had either something serious going on, some sort of trauma, some big mental health issue, have been at least somewhat suicidal, have wanted to and done SH, and or have needed a lot of emotional support. I’m so so tired. The question may sound rude but I need advice, please.

How do I stop attracting these types of people as friends? They are valid, but I cannot handle them being suicidal all the time, all of their various mental health issues, their trauma. It has been much of my life and I cannot take anymore from people. I want to meet healthy and at least mostly stable people. I typed out a whole thing describing things, but it was long and unnecessary.

Please, I am going to be in a situation where I can make new friends, and I do not want to get stuck in the same situation again, like the last times. I can’t keep doing this, it only makes my mental health dramatically worse.

Hey there,

This is not a rude question to ask at all and you are so right in saying that it can be really difficult to draw ourselves out of the circle of knowing and being friends with people who may be somewhat more stable than those that you know currently who are really struggling themselves as well. At the same time, it’s also a really difficult question to answer as sometimes we are just drawn towards a certain group of people and there is no rime or reason to it. This is something that I am still struggling to work out myself as I too am prone to meeting and making friends with those who like me, struggle with their own mental health stuff of varying degrees.

I think though the most important thing to know though is that in the beginning when you first start to struggle with your own mental health it is only normal to be drawn to those people who struggle with similar things to yourself as it can help to bring a person comfort knowing that they are not alone and that there are others out there that struggle with their own mental health too. This can then draw out throughout the years, even when you start to work on and begin to improve yourself with your own mental health, and then from there it can just be automatic to continue to be drawn or attracted to the same people like you and to find yourself as being kind of like the emotional support or ‘counsellor’ type of person for them.

In answer to your question though, I think that it’s great that you have been able to acknowledge and separate your needs right now and the types of friends you are wanting to have currently in your life, this is step one. Step two may look something like having a positive mind set and knowing exactly what you are wanting or expecting from new friends - for if you don’t know what it is you are looking for then it’s all too easy to fall back to past patterns of making friends who are struggling with their own stuff. Also keep in mind that no matter what kind of new friends that you make, it’s always OK to let the other person know if you are unable to support them emotionally with whatever they are needing from you at the time. Just gently let them now that you are not in a great place yourself to be able to support another person but let them know of other resources or supports that they can access to get the help/ support they are needing if you can. Sometimes it can also be helpful to just start a fresh with new friends, for example, getting to know them but not feeling pressured to share information about your past if you are not comfortable in doing so – this may also help to deter others from seeking help and support from you in copious amounts if you take things slowly and draw a line between what you choose to share with them and what you don’t want them to know in the beginning or at all.

Making new friends can be and is difficult for a lot of people and especially trying to find those friends that match to where you are in life right now. If you focus on the positives on life though and not talk as much about your own struggles then you may find that the friendship stays as being just that – a friendship without the need to support the other person in ways that is detrimental to your own mental health.

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going OK!

Take care,

Lauren

#mha-lauren #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #anonymous #friends

[mental-health-advice]

How do u get urself to sleep and I don’t mean in just a insomnia way (which I do have) but also in a self destructive way like even when I’m extremely tired I force myself to stay awake as long as possible bc I’m addicted to the internet on my phone and I’m too self aware about it I tell myself I won’t do it tomorrow but then the cycle happens again. But also I am a night owl I really do prefer the nighttime but I do know what I’m doing is too far and I don’t know what to do

Hey there,

I know that there are a lot of people our there that also struggle with forcing themselves to stay awake all night – me included!

I guess that the first thing to do is to try to think about and work out the reasoning for why you are doing this. You mentioned that you are addicted to being on the internet on your phone but also that you are more of a night owl. This is a great start be able to acknowledge this stuff. It’s also equally as important to acknowledge though (as you have) that staying up all night is not great for a person and especially on a regular basis, so perhaps the next thing you could try to do is to think about some goals or set some strict boundaries for yourself to help enable you to get some sleep, even if it’s just for a few hours to begin with.

Like most things, it can be really difficult to stop things cold turkey, so maybe think about how often you are staying awake all night and the number of times a week you do this, and trying to slowly decrease this. By trying to cut down the number of times you force yourself to stay up all night, it will hopefully begin to slowly get you into a routine to sleep more regularly at night time. It won’t be easy to do but it is possible!

Let’s go back a few steps first though to you being addicted to your phone at nights. What is it do you think that makes you feel the need to be on it all night on the internet. Is it because you simply just can’t sleep, or is there some kind of a fear of something happening if you are not on the internet all the time. I think it’s important to ask yourself these questions and/ or investigate the need to keep yourself awake all night a bit further as it will assist you to better understand what is happening for you and your current behaviours.  

You also mentioned in your Ask that you also struggle with insomnia, are you seeing someone for this, perhaps your local doctor or GP? It may be helpful at times to take something at nights to help you get to sleep a bit easier, but I also recommend that you check out our page on ‘getting a good night’s sleep’. It’s nothing to be ashamed about either to take something to aid you to sleep a littler easier if it’s determined by your doctor or GP that it would be in your best interest. So, it may be worth a discussion with your local doctor or GP to see what may be most helpful for you to get you to sleep on those nights you really can’t sleep.

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going well!

Take care,

Lauren

#mha-lauren #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #anonymous #sleep #staying up all night #night owl