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crackspinewornpages · 2 years

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Les Misérables 10/365 -Victor Hugo

VOLUME 1 FANTINE

BOOK FIRST A JUST MAN

(straight up admits this is all superfluous information a summary of 80% of this tome)

1815 M. Myriel was 75 and Bishop of Digne since 1806. “True or false, that which is said of men often occupies as important a place in their lives, and above all in their destinies, as that which they do.”p.13 He was of a parliamentary family and the Revolution came and to avoid being hunted down, moved to Italy. His wife died early and had no children, his family fell next with the rest of French society, it’s unknown how he took it but when he returned, he was a priest.

1804, he was at the Cure of Brignolles and lived in a retired manner when he felt the need to move to Paris. He met Napoleon, “Who is this good man who is staring at me?” “Sire,’ said M. Myriel, ‘you are looking at a good man, and I at a great man. Each of us can profit by it.”p.13 Napoleon then had him appointed to Bishop of Digne. The little known about his life before spread rumors and talk that faded after nine years. His only company was an elderly spinster sister Baptistine and Magloire a housekeeper.

Describes the Digne and its joining hospital, the Bishop moved the crowded patients of the hospital to his rooms. “I will tell you something there is evidentially a mistake here. There are thirty-six of you, in five or six rooms. There are three of us here, and we have room for sixty.”p.15 M. Myriel had his funds divided into charities and reliefs, when the village curate came by and Myriel got him to demand the General Council three thousand francs for travel expenses (so they allotted a sum for traveling to outer regions to spread faith and such) to the outcry of the burgesses and the senator who wrote that the village has no need for it. (their argument was you have nowhere to go of importance why do you need all this money) But Myriel still received the money which he put into more charities. (see how clever he is able to get more money from the government to give to the people) In a year he was a treasurer of benevolence, the people called him Bienvenu. (this is actually the feminine noun and means welcome in French)

Even with lack of carriage he didn’t stop his pastoral visits and despite the terrain managed. He enjoyed the country side believing it truly blessed by God as he preached in examples and parables.

He had a distant relative, Madame la Comtesse de Lo, who would boast of her sons and what they would inherit and he thought if St Augustine, to place hopes in men who you won't inherit from. Another time he received a notification of a deceased man whose families titles and relatives where all over the page. During lent, a youthful vicar preached charity in the crowd was the rich Geborand who never gave to the poor until after that sermon by only one sou.

Myriel copied accents to win over them, understood what to say and was at home anywhere. “As he spoke all tongues, he entered into all hearts.”p.20 He was the same towards all and didn’t condemn without taking into circumstances. (wow rare to find a man of God who is actually Christlike and treats everyone equally without judgement or prejudice) Counterfeit was punishable by death, when the Bishop heard a couple was to be tried, he asked where the advocate of the crown is to be tried too. When a murderer was to be executed, the Bishop went to spend the day with him praying and the next day mounted the tumbril with him. It took a long time to recover from seeing the guillotine. “The guillotine is the concretion of the law; it is called retribution; it is not neutral, it does not permit you to remain neutral.”p.22 Death was God’s choice what right did men have over it, over time these impressions weakened as he had to be summoned to bedsides.

Myriel was the same in private as he was in public and was very busy with his duties. He visited the poor until he ran out of money then visited the rich (to get more donations) and only ate well when having cures over.

Three pages describing Digne and the garden (he prefers to grow flowers rather than vegetables to eat) the door was never locked and the Bishop had them all removed. (dangers of unlocked doors aside this was scandalous back then since you have a bachelor and two women living together) “The door of the physician should never be shut, the door of the priest should always be open.”-”Do not inquire the name of him who asks a shelter of you. The very man who is embarrassed by his name is the one who needs shelter.”p.27 (foreshadowing)

A highway robber man eluded police, when the Bishop arrived at Chastelar, the mayor warned him of the danger but he planned to go alone to preach to the shepherds. When he had no vestments to properly clothe the chorister of the cathedral, a chest with the attire was dropped off with a note from the brigand Cravette. (dude stole fancy clothes from a church and give them back to Myriel because he is so well liked) “Prejudices are the real robbers; vices are the real murderer.”p.29

The senator made his own way heedless of the obstacles, his personality is to march straight to his goals. He and Myriel dined with the prefect and the senator told Myriel of his philosophy, he hates Diderot the ideologist, a revolutionist, more bigoted than Voltaire. (the enlightenment writer not the musician) He himself isn’t enthusiastic over Jesus, why renunciate sacrifice to what end, stick to nature, be at the top. “What is the advantage of being at the top, in one sees no further than the end of other people’s noses? Let us live merrily. Life is all. That man has another future elsewhere, on high, below, anywhere, I don’t believe; not one single word of it.”p.30

Take heed of every action, why, so he has to account for it after death. He didn’t exist before birth and wont after death. Where will suffering and enjoyment lead. That’s his philosophy, not to be taken in by that nonsense but there must be something for the downtrodden who have nothing but God. Myriel exclaims that materialism is marvelous, not everyone who wants it can have it and those that do have it don’t easily allow themselves to be exiled. “Those who have succeeded in precuring this admirable materialism have the joy of feeling themselves irresponsible, and of thinking that they can devour everything without uneasiness” p.31 And congratulates the senator in his philosophy. “But you are good-natured princes, and you do not think a bad thing that the belief in the good God should constitute the philosophy of the people, very much as the goose stuffed with chestnuts is the truffled turkey of the poor.”p.31

A letter from Baptistine to her friend, Boischevron. She describes the rooms and how the doors are never locked, how generous Myriel is and how he is undaunted in his duties. She recounts how he was given stolen robes from the robber. And she looked up the information she wanted on the Faux family with his contacts, the daughter married a Duke in the French guards, he’s a lieutenant-general. The women served the Bishop passively and left him alone to his business.

Later Myriel did something those believe more dangerous than his trip across the mountains. A man who goes by G-, (what is it with old books and not giving names) a member of the Convention, deemed a monster and almost executed but was instead banished and is an atheist. (le gasp the scandal) He lives in exclusion and the Bishop recognized its loneliness and wanted to visit but felt some repulsion from it and held off until word got around G- was dying. G- welcomes Myriel he’s predicted his death will come within hours and wanted to be outside for it. “It will be night then. What does it matter, after all? Dying is a simple affair. One has no need of light for that. So be it. I shall die by starlight.”p.36

G- seemed to have willed himself to die, freedom in his agony. He voted for the death of the king, a tyrant, really the ignorance, he believed men should be ruled by science and consciousness, the Bishop adds. “It is the same thing. Conscience is the quantity of innate science which we have within us.”p.36 He voted for the end of the tyrant, prostitution for the women, and slavery for the Republic. It’s not complete, the Revolution is an important step, it enlightened, so it’s a good thing, (ehhh...) but the Bishop still doesn’t accept demolition complicated with wrath.

Does he mourn the child, he’ll mourn with him, the royal child though, he’ll need to think about it but it is painful. Myriel almost regretted coming, G- tells him God loves them as there is no distinction between children, Myriel weeps for all. G- tells him people have been suffering for a long time, why did he bring up Louis XVII, he’s heard of him through gossip. Who is he with all his generosity, a worm. G- apologizes for treating him poorly as a host but asks him what he thinks of the monarchy and lists off names. (I’m sure the names have more impact with those well versed in French history) “The French Revolution had its reasons for existence; its wrath will be absolved by the future, its result is the world made better.”p.39 (hindsight is 20/20)

G- will stop for now since he’s dying “Yes, the brutalities of progress are called revolutions. When they are over, this fact is recognized that the human race has been treated harshly, but that it has progressed.”p.39 (people who believe in revolutions forget a revolution is a circle you eventually end where you started) But the Bishop believes progress should come from God, an atheist is a bad leader. (I have a contrary an atheist and a devout do charity work the devout does it because they are told to for divine reward the atheist does it because it is a good thing to do with no promise of reward so who is more Christlike) G- makes no reply but trembles and starts to cry, he is there in infinite, without a person it wouldn’t exist the ‘I’ of infinite is God. He lived a moderate life after serving his country, he was persecuted by the ignorant but he doesn’t hate himself, why did he come here as he is dying, he wants his blessing.

After G- died Myriel went home and prayed all night and after redoubled his tenderness and feelings towards all children and sufferers. Of course, the locals gossiped of his visit, what was the point of the Bishop going to the deathbed of such a wretch. (because the damned need God more than the devout maybe)

#les mierables #victor hugo #books #book summaries #epic #historical fiction #tragedy

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snapehateaccount · 3 years

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My sister’s hot take about Scooby Doo and why it is the most important franchise.

#scooby doo #destiel #her argument is that everyone who died was straight and/or rich #so scooby doo is both queer and communist media #(as all things should be)

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fireemblems24 · 2 years

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Azure Moon - Final

Of all the routes I'm finishing, this one is by far the hardest to say goodbye too. Which is why I saved it for last. Also, Three Hopes and the DLC, so it's not really over yet!

More in-depth reviews and etc coming later. Below is just my thoughts while I played the last two chapters of AM.

Ok, so this is different from the other routes. I had another week AND I picked who I married before any cut scenes.

Also different in that Byleth, here at least, is allowed to say something negative about Edelgard. A breath of fresh air.

I will get to still pick who I marry, right? I didn't miss that. Because by God if I missed that for Dimitri . . .

It's been a while Edelgard.

I still can't believe Dimitri really went and is trying to solve this with diplomacy and understanding. We stan a King, guys.

Holy, shit, yes, Dimitri, preach "there had to be a way to change things in your territory without so many senseless casualties."

Edelgard - War leads to the least amount of casualties, duh. I mean, who wouldn't agree. It's not like war is literally the worst.

Did she seriously just say - ah, yes, the least bloody way to fix the Empire is conquering everyone else and war.

I get that her argument is that the longer she didn't put everyone under her control, the more people would've died, so her war killed less in the long run. Someone doesn't know much about war.

Edelgard really out here playing God, hunh.

Dimitri ain't wrong that Edelgard is a bit too gung-ho about her war. And, of course, she's deaf to the victims. If it's anything like CF, there isn't any acknowledgement of any victims. They might as well not exist except to make Edelgard the main victim of the war.

"You cannot change the cycle of the strong dominating the weak with a method like that."

Preach, Dimitri.

Don't get me wrong, I love a good "conqueror the world for it's own good" character, but damn it's nice to see the hypocrisy pointed out. Those characters are only ever interesting and good if there's a counterpoint and not CF's sanctification of Edelgard.

I think Edelgard really means to destroy the bad systems. I think she honestly believes she's the only one who can make those changes. I also think she's dumb as a box of rocks if she doesn't realize her "boostraps" like mentality isn't just going to increase her divide, and that the world she's creating will have just as many victims and not be conducive to a true post-war recovery.

Holy shit, Edelgard sounds like Fox News. "If after all of this you believe the weak will still be weak, that is only because they are too used to relying on others instead of on themselves."

That really is truly only two steps away from "welfare queens" and the poor are poor because they "don't work hard enough" and the rich are rich because "they just work that much harder."

"But you cannot force that belief onto others." Is really the crux of my issue with Edelgard's plan.

"There are those who cannot live without their faith . . . and those who cannot go one once they have lost their reason for living." - It's too bad he didn't just straight-up say - "What about mental illness, Edelgard? Or physical handicaps? Or people born uber poor? What are they supposed to do in your world?"

I'm betting Edelgard fans hate this conversation lol. It's the only time in the whole game so far that challenges Edelgard's convictions and points out all the problems with it.

"It is the path of the strong and could only benefit the strong." - 100% true.

Honestly, the BEST combination would be Edelgard + Dimitri, where she's busting big bad systems up, and he's there to make sure the new government takes care of its people rather than uses them.

I don't think Edelgard understands the importance of faith to a lot of people. It's not really about "the goddess" answering your problems. Most religions are very specific that they can't treat prayer/meditation/etc as a wish machine. It's more about finding comfort in the idea that there's a system to this universe, that there's someone or something out there dictating what's right and wrong, that there's something after death. It's not really about expecting everything you pray for to be answered the way you want, but about finding some way to accept that "everything happens for a reason" to help you get through rough things. That, if you're suffering, that there's a larger point to it all.

Interesting how she claims she's fighting for the silent and weak too. I don't see how though, since she expects them to magically not be weak anymore.

"The ones who can truly change the way of the world are not the rulers, but the people." - I firmly 100% believe the only stable change is one that's wanted by the majority and is often generational.

"Pushing your own sense of justice and your own ideals onto even one other person is nothing more than self-righteousness." - Again, 100% agree with Dimitri here.

Edelgard's not wrong either that for things to change, someone has to take action. But why THAT action?

It's really too bad there's no ending where these two meld their ideals together. But I'm betting Edelgard isn't willing to work with anyone else (unlike Rhea, Claude, and Dimitri who have all worked together in one route or another).

Why is Edelgard talking about high borns vs the poor??? Dimitri was just talking about people in general. And didn't he live on the run for like 5 years? Edelgard's way more removed from the poor than he is.

Like, why is she still going to fight him? Why not just work WITH him?

Ohhhh is this the dagger?

Yep, guessed it right.

So she's remembering him now.

Aww, baby Dimitri and Edelgard are so cute.

If only Rhea got this treatment in CF that Edelgard's getting in AM. It would've made CF soooooo much better.

Dimitri gonna regret those words he told Edelgard when she decides the future she's cutting through involves killing him lamo.

Edelgard's like WTF, this guy I've been trying to kill since the paralogue is that guy who inspired me to keep going?

Mannnn imagine an alternative storyline where she realizes who he is earlier on. The conflict and character development she missed out on :(

Man, this shit is tragic. I don't know how the same people who wrote this route wrote all the other ones.

I love how Byleth and Hubert just stood there saying nothing lamo.

OH THANK GOD, I get to pick who to marry.

This is the EASIEST choice of them all lol. Dimitri. 100%, Dimitri.

PRE-BATTLE & BATTLE #1

Maaan I'm so worried about how long this will get. Anyone who reads the whole thing, I'm amazed at your thoroughness.

Time to blast Enbarr's door down again lol.

LAMO Hubert again? I love him, but facing him is a meme at this point. How many times have I already toasted his ass?

Ugh, no, they split up my units again :( whyyyyyy Though is any route is suited for this, it's AM because Dimitri can take a whole area by himself.

Oh, I see Petra's back :( Bummed about killing her.

I really gotta question Edelgard here. A combined force of the Kingdom, Alliance, and Church is invading her innermost city area, but she still won't work with Dimitri and would rather keep trying to fight him? Even after she heard him out?

Why did Hubert call Dimitri the Savior King? I love that title though.

God, I love Hubert. He just owns it, you know?

Alright - time to fight.

Ingrid is such a queen - no one can touch her + mages can't hurt her anyways. She's like Dedue, but for mages.

"War is for the wealthy. We don't even have enough to eat." - when the random enemy thief's line about war hits harder than all of CF.

Petra was NOT easy to kill. All the fast ones (Dimitri, Petra, Catherine, pegasus knights, assassins) are the hardest to kill in this game.

Dimitri can one-shot Hubert. And by that I don't mean "single turn" I mean single hit.

Dimitri gave Hubert a chance to surrender :(

Why did Hubert say Dimitri had a "silver tongue?"

Man, Dimitri went into overkill with a crit. Poor Hubert.

Dimitri MVP. Not surprised.

POST BATTLE & BATTLE 2

See it's lines like this "there is to be no needless killing or pillaging, understand?" That made me wonder if one route mentions that sentiment more than another or if there's a different vibe or what not.

See, THIS is what was missing from CF. A place where the whole trope stands around and says their lines, even if they don't contribute much, it just feels so epic, you know?

I just love this group all so much: Dedue (swearing to Dimitri), Annette (being so chiper), Ingrid (being the badass knight she is), Mercie (praying for everyone), Ashe (awww, he's so proud to be a citizens of Faerghus in AM and CF, I think I'm over his stunt in VW and SS now. I love you), Sylvain (encouraging everyone, and I don't think I've mentioned this much but he's so fucking hot),

FELIX 😭 supporting Dimitri 😭😭 He even called him a "boar" but it's not an insult anymore 😭😭😭

Dimitri and the Blue Lions are just so 😭😭😭

Oh, so here's Edelgard - "It's far too late to second guess." Edelgard, I'm 100% sure if you surrendered now, Dimitri would make peace with you. It's actually not too late.

It's that hellbeast from FEH. I have PTSD from that thing. This version is wayyyy uglier. Not surprised. I got so tired of that in FEH.

Man, I love these images in between chapters. They all look so cool.

I'm betting we're not fighting TWSITD in this route either? But I think we accidentally already killed their leader so . . .

This route didn't have that giant bomb go off too. Does anyone know why? Like is it just "because plot" or some actual reason?

Edelgard HAS to know she's going to lose. Is it really just "kill everyone or die?" for her??

More Blue Lions imput 😭😭

Dedue is so loyal. I love him 😭😭😭 Felix being so supportive.

Guys we're so spoiled. Everyone gets two pep talks to say their bit.

Yep, it's that FEH thing.

"There can only be one ruler of the world." LAMO Edelgard. She is a bit of a my way or death kinda person.

That awful dubstep again though, make it go away.

Alright, guys, time for my last chapter in this whole thing. Let's go!

Holy shit! What is that range Edelgard has????

I take it Myson is TWSITD? And WTF is with that spell he has? How come I never got that. Anyways, Stride + Dimitri's a bitch and he's gone.

By "beasts" does he mean humans, Nabeteans, or all of the above?

OMG they all retreated LAMO. That makes things easier. Well, not all of them, but a few, nice. And mostly mages too, that makes my life easier.

Yikes, that first hit blasted poor Mercie hard.

Did Edelgard really just say "Facing you, I grow weak?" To Byleth?? They really went hard core pandering with her, hunh. Anyways, she had a 0, 0, 0 on Byleth so I'm far less intimidated.

Alright guys, Edelgard's going down. First Felix took one of her lives out, then Sylvain, then Byleth, now Dimitri for the final. She's going out in one round, though I think only SS took me longer? Maybe CF, but that's because I had no crutch characters there.

Yo, Dimitri telling Edelgard she deserves no compassion because she would rather turn herself into a demon than compromise. Seems a bit at odds with the rest of what he's said, tbh, but I get the sentiment.

He did a critical and took her out in one blow.

And we're done! Only 11 turns. Lol, Everyone just really loves their criticals in the Blue Lions. I also think those dudes retreating helped.

Dimitri MVP. No surprises there.

POST BATTLE & Wrap-Up

Cut scene, for some reason, I always forget lol.

So Edelgard's back to her legendary unit self.

Dimitri's giving her ANOTHER chance to surrender? He's wayyy more forgiving than I'd ever be.

And . . . she threw her dagger at him. Kinda a dick move there.

Byleth not letting Dimitri look back 😭😭😭 That's kinda sweet.

Alright, let's see the final picture for Dimitri.

Ugh, whhyyy the unification. But Rhea! Lives! Good!

I think I see Byleth and Dedue in that ending mural 😭😭😭

I love that mural. It's so happy after everything.

S-Support time!! Let's see if Dimitri can prove me wrong that the men won't be as lovey dovey as the women.

Two insomniacs in love (seriously, who sleeps a healthy amount in this game??)

He's apologizing for making Byleth work so much 😭😭😭 Did anyone else? I'd have to check.

"Do no worry about me" - a summary of Dimitri.

And yikes, that hit left Dimitri numb? Like permanently? Can't this game cut him ANY slack??

Uh, oh, he just so awkwardly switched to romantic shit lamo.

"How many years has it been since I was kept awake by hopes for the future, rather than by nightmares of the past . . ." Dimitri stop..... 😭😭😭😭

He really has Survivor's Guilt 101 😭😭

Geeze, I can't imagine hearing voices in my head like that.

They're still there 😭😭😭 I guess that's more realistic, and better than Byleth made it go away.

It's actually . . . really cool, I think, that he didn't just get "cured." Like, he's still hearing those voices, but found a way to deal with them, and have hope and happiness anyways. That's pretty inspiring, actually.

"But I wish to change this world in my own way." Yes, we stan a King, guys.

Oh shiiiittt Dimitri let that "My beloved" slip didn't he. LAMO.

Ohhh I like this confidence on him, not getting all blushy. Good for him. He's grown up a bit lol.

Ah, he's giving me his ring too, isn't he. And NOW he's blushing. Good.

"If you do not wish to accept it, please just tell me." Absolutely no way I'd say no lol.

Ahahahah, she popped the ring too. Good for her. Just like Rhea.

It's so fucking cute when they both have rings.

Wow, that is not subtle "I love you, Dimitri. Marry me."

Yeah, ok, maybe just Claude's the most unromantic person in the game, because this shit's romantic.

And he's talking about her hands again 😭😭😭 Guys, I'm a sucker for shit like this. OMG

How did I end up adding Sylvix and Dimileth into my "I legitimately ship it now" in the last few chapters of different routes.

And his picture isn't half bad. Poor Edelgard, though, WTF was that? Rhea, Claude, and Dimitri all looked fine.

OMG it's almost done, now just for the MVP list and paired endings.

Lots of trading around at first, then Dimitri takes over. So far it's been: Dimitri, Ingrid, Sylvain, Felix, Byleth, and Dedue who all got MVP at least a few times. With Dimitri getting it the most by far. Towards the end, it was Felix only once, rest of the time Dimitri.

OK, paired endings, like for the others, not going to say much about ones I've gotten before.

So ones that were basically the same: Anna solo, Cyril solo, Alois solo, Manuela solo, Hanneman solo, Flayn solo, Lorenz Solo,

Shamir solo, she becomes a Robin Hood, I like it lol.

Catherine and Rhea became lesbians together. 😭😭 Good for them. Catherine finally scored.

Bernie Solo - poor girl regressed :(

Caspar Solo - he basically did the same thing, but without Linhardt :(

Linhardt Solo - so he did research for the rest of his life. It suites him.

Gilbert Solo - Dimitri has a baby 😭😭😭 And he managed to stay and serve the realm this time. Good for him.

Ferdinand and Dorothea - They had babies too 😭😭 So cute. And Ferdinand went on to be a good leader, and Dorothea got the power to help the common folk. Not a bad ending.

YES! Raphael and Marrianne - I wanted this one! OK, but that ending was kinda lame though. It's all about Raphael and Marianne just talks to birds in it. Though, at least she seems happy.

Ashe and Annette - That's a cute couple, not gonna lie. But again, it's alllll about the dude, though at least here Annette gets to help the realm and write a book.

Ingrid and Seteth - Aw yeah, she became a knight. Good for her. So they both helped out Fodlan (Faerghus and the Church) and married (I mean, they did) much later on. I'm glad Seteth found someone. And way to go Ingrid for getting equal billing in a paired ending, if not the ending being mostly her story and how Seteth was also there.

Does this mean Felix and Sylvain got together - AGAIN? And Mercedes and Dedue (pleaseohpleaseohplease)?

YESSSSS Mercie and Dedue. They are so cute together. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 OMG That ending. I can't. It's perfect. They open a school together and restore Duscur culture. 😭😭😭😭😭 This might be my favorite one of all of them.

But, shit, I don't want Felix and Sylvain to get together. The last time was HORRIBLE. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't EXTREMELY curious to see how this goes, since Felix's endings have been so depressing so far.

Yep, Felix and Sylvain, lol, 😭😭😭😭😭 That's SOOOOOO much better. OMG. That's fucking hurts after seeing how it went in CF with Sylvain bringing up that they were supposed to die together and then in AM they actually do 😭😭😭😭😭 OK, ok, I 100% get Sylvix now. I'm converted. OMG I'm so happy Felix got a good ending.

So now for Dimitri and Byleth. Dimitri has 524 victories lol. I abused that boy.

Their ending is pretty sweet, not gonna lie. I think it's funny they mentioned the separation of work and marriage life. I can almost see someone in the writer's room going - but people will shit on them for this! - and adding that. That part of them going riding together and being desperately in love. It hurts, guys. 😭😭😭😭

OMG! I'm done! I finally finished 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 I can play Animal Crossing again (I banned myself until I finished this lol) And the DLC!

I don't know when I'll get to the DLC, but I will. I'll probably wait a few weeks, but I know I'm going to want to come back to this game.

#fire emblem #fire emblem three houses #dimitri alexandre blaiddyd #azure moon #blue lions #fe16 #fe3h

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laughingphoenixleader · 3 years

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Pairing: Kanan Jarrus/Hera Syndulla

Word count: no idea

A/N: This is my first fanfiction that I’m posting out in the world! This takes place an hour or two after the end of Star Wars Rebels Season 2 Episode 7: Wings of the Master. I found a fanart when surfing the internet for Kanera content (as one does) a few months ago and I haven’t stopped thinking about it since! I don’t know whose work the art is but I’ll paste it on here! If anyone knows who it’s by, please let me know :) the art isn’t mine, but all of the writing is! Obviously, Kanan isn’t blind yet in this fic like he is in the fanart. I hope anyone who reads this likes it!! I’m hoping to post more fanfiction in the future—I have three others in the works already! I’m open to any and all feedback!

Hera rubs her temple as she steps out of the promotion briefing. Her head buzzes with new intel, and plans zip through her mind like starships. She is honored and ecstatic about her promotion to Phoenix Leader. At the same time, though, she can already feel the new responsibility settling onto her shoulders, all of the lives that will soon be placed under her supervision weighing on her. Hera can and will take on all of the privileges and authority her new position grants her, and she fully intends to own it, too. Still, her heart is heavy.

Truthfully, she’s still struggling with the losses they suffered on the first attempt to deliver supplies to Ibaar. Hera had been so determined to complete that mission, to find the right ship to make it possible, that the grief and sensation of failure hadn’t caught up with her. She had made sure of that. There wasn’t time to be crippled by guilt and loss when there was a mission to complete. Now that the mission was over, however, she can feel the effects of the losses setting in.

Thoughts swirl through her mind as she continues to head down the hallway towards the bay where the Ghost is docked.

If I had just let us turn back—if I hadn’t told everyone to keep going—maybe Phoenix Leader and the people on the transport would have survived.

She’d made the wrong call. Hera can still hear the panic-filled voice crying out, “Captain Syndulla!” as the transport—and the people inside—were blasted into a thousand pieces. She’d let her determination blind her, and lives had been lost because of it.

Guilt pours into her, paralyzing her. She stops walking in the middle of the empty hallway and steps into a nearby alcove to process it all. If I make a mistake like that again, the consequences will be worse now that I have more responsibility. What if I let everyone down?

Her churning vortex of thoughts and feelings is interrupted by a pair of strong, green-clad arms embracing her from behind, and a deep, warm voice comes from above her. “How’s it going, Captain?”

Pleasure surges through her lekku. His timing is perfect.

The pleasant surprise washes all of the guilt, fear, and sadness away, at least for now. Hera lets out a little “hey” of protest as Kanan Jarrus pulls her nearly off her feet, but an irrepressible smile spreads over her face. She closes her eyes and turns her face towards his, relishing the warmth emanating from him and the way his presence soothes her. Hera places her hands on the arms that envelop her, returning the embrace through a gentle squeeze.

“Better now, love,” she tells him. He releases her slightly so that her feet are fully on the ground and places his chin on her shoulder, still holding her close.

“And you usually hate PDAs.”

“If I’m not mistaken, there’s no one in this hallway.”

“What would you have done if there were?”

Hera is silent for a moment, eyes still closed. “Nothing differently.”

She can feel him grin. “Great,” he replies. “Because there’s someone walking by now.”

Hera’s eyes fly open and search the hallway—which is still empty. She elbows him. “Kanan!”

A deep laugh vibrates out of his chest. She rolls her eyes, but allows herself to settle back into his embrace.

“Really, though,” Kanan says gently, all traces of mirth disappearing. The care in his voice sends another ripple of affection through her lekku. “How are you? I could tell you needed this.”

“And you were right,” Hera admits as he guides them down onto the alcove’s bench, arms still entwined around her. Normally, she’d break away now to explain what she was feeling, the thought of fellow rebels walking by and being made uncomfortable by their display of affection present in her mind. This time, however, she isn’t ready to move away from him. Besides, this isn’t a heavily trafficked hallway anyway. She does move to the side rather than sitting on his lap, though, her shoulder overlapping his. “It’s those people we lost the first time we went to Ibaar to deliver the supplies,” she begins, her voice heavy with returning guilt. “They died because of me.”

Kanan lifts his head from her shoulder, his aquamarine eyes staring seriously into hers. “Hera, no.”

“They told me they were taking heavy fire,” she continues, her voice growing more and more agitated. “They lost their forward deflectors, and I still told them to keep going. I should’ve told them to turn back.” A sound of frustration escapes her throat. “Why am I so stubborn? Why are they putting more people under my leadership after my decision led to several deaths?”

“Hera,” Kanan’s voice cuts through her hysteria, rich and deep and sure. “Everyone here knows that any mission could be their last.”

“I know that,” she responds, voice still thrumming with anguish. “But that doesn’t mean lives should be thrown away just because of one person’s inability to retreat!” She breaks her gaze from his, shaking her head and staring down at the floor. “I don’t deserve that promotion.”

Kanan gently lifts her head so that her eyes meet his again. “No one trusting someone with authority expects them to be perfect,” Kanan reminds her. “Everyone here has made a wrong call, has failed to complete a mission—which you didn’t, by the way—but that doesn’t mean they’re a failure. You weren’t treating anyone like they were expendable—your optimism led you not to give up. You were determined to get those supplies to those in need and refused to give up hope.” Tones similar to those he uses when teaching Ezra a lesson color his voice, though with considerably less frustration. “The only way to rise above your mistakes is to accept the lessons they teach and apply them in the future. Letting your mistakes destroy your faith in yourself isn’t going to help anyone.”

Hera listens intently, his sincerity like a bacta patch on a wound.

“Sato could hear all of the comms between you and Phoenix Squadron, and he didn’t demote you or chastise you. Clearly, he doesn’t blame you for the lives that were lost.” Kanan squeezes her tighter reassuringly. “No one does.”

His voice becomes harder, more insistent. “And of course you deserve the promotion.” He sounds offended at the thought of anyone suggesting otherwise. “You didn’t volunteer to leave the mission—you were committed to seeing it through. But when I volunteered you for the mission to Shantipole, you dove in—literally—and headed straight into a world that no ship is supposed to be able to escape from—but you did. You’d only flown that B-wing once before joining the battle, but you flew it like it was built for you. You’re the reason those supplies did get to those people. When I recommended your promotion, Sato didn’t waste a second before agreeing with me.”

Kanan’s words replace her guilt and grief with a swelling of gratitude and comfort. Hera won’t forget those who had died today. She’ll be more careful to see when a situation requires a retreat, but she won’t let her confidence in herself die. “Thank you, Kanan,” she tells him, her heart full. He places his forehead against hers, and they share a rare moment of contentment and peace, enjoying each other’s presence.

Hera reluctantly breaks the silence after a minute or so, lifting her forehead from his.“We should probably get back home,” she tells the Jedi. “I liked that B-wing, but that doesn’t mean I’m letting the kids wreck the Ghost.” Kanan’s flash of disappointment is so endearing. She lifts his chin reassuringly.

“It’ll be all right, fearless leader.”

Kanan unravels his arms from around her, replying indignantly, “Hey, no, you’re officially the leader now.” They’d had the argument many times, each insisting that the other is the leader of their crew. Hera always tells him that “captain of the ship” and “leader” are two different things.

Now she rolls her eyes, smiling, but doesn’t correct him this time.

“I guess it’s about time we get back, anyway,” Kanan continues before she changes her mind and decides to refute him. “How long has it been since you’ve eaten something?”

Hera’s brows knit as she attempts to remember. “Yeah, too long,” Kanan’s suspicions seem to have been confirmed. “Come on.” He takes her hand and pulls her up, out of the alcove, and into the hallway. They share a comfortable silence all the way back to the Ghost, which Hera now realizes Kanan must have left to come find her. Even more affection for him to rises in her at the realization.

When the cockpit opens, the two release each others’ hands and are greeted by a rush of cheers and pumping fists. Even Chopper waves his grasping arms and spins around in celebration.

“Go Hera!” Ezra yells.

“About time you got promoted,” Zeb grins.

“Congratulations, Hera,” Sabine tells her earnestly.

“Mom got promoted! Mom got promoted!” Chopper chants triumphantly.

Hera chuckles, heart overflowing with fondness for her crew. “All right, all right,” she tells them. “You’re going to make the rest of the ship think that something’s wrong.”

“Who cares?” Ezra says as he pulls everyone into a group hug. “Hera cares,” Kanan replies, but he puts one arm around her and another around Sabine. The hug is a little awkward, with Zeb being so much taller than Ezra and Sabine and Chopper standing in the middle of the circle, but in that moment, the crew feels truly united.

“Okay, I can’t stand Zeb’s smell anymore,” Ezra quips, stepping out of the circle. Chopper rolls over and smacks him with a grasping arm.

“Ow! You always do that!” The blue-haired boy zips into the cargo hold, trying to get away from Chopper, who continues whacking him as he pursues.

The rest of the family shares exasperated smiles.

Kanan nudges Hera forward, dropping his arms from hers and Sabine’s shoulders.

“Lead the way, Captain Hera,” he tells her, that crooked smile of his setting the inside of Hera aglow. “We’re all behind you.”

#kanan jarrus #star wars rebels #ezra bridger #sabine wren #swr #kanera #hera syndulla #kanan x hera #garazeb orrelios #chopper #c1 10p #wings of the master #Hera is the best pilot in the galaxy change my mind #space parents #space mom #space dad #space married #best couple ever #otp

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cowardnthief · 3 years

Note

Alright, I am curious. Why is Jonny Cade queercoded and what queer subtext was there in their relationship with Ponyboys? 👀

TW: mentions of abuse, violence, death, murder

also spoilers for the outsiders!! (i mean it is a 60 year old book, but still)

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OOH OKAY OKAY

(In all honesty, I could probably do a whole essay on this, but I'll keep it brief-ish.)

Bit of background on The Outsiders: It's a book written in the early 60s that focuses on the class divide between the rich Socs (Socials) and the working-class greasers (like, "hoods", criminals), or rather the people within each of those groups who don't feel like they fit into the binary.

Ponyboy is the protagonist of the novel. He and Johnny are both greasers and part of a gang with a few others, including Ponyboy's two older brothers and three other boys.

Let's start with Johnny. Johnny is extremely queer-coded in his own right. He's described early on as timid, shy, weak and maybe a little feminine. He's seen as the gang's "pet" and the youngest, despite being sixteen to Ponyboy's fourteen. His friends are very fond and protective of him. A lot of this behaviour comes from his trauma, being abused by his parents as well as beaten nearly to death by a Soc named Bob. However, it also falls into an archetype of stereotypical queer characters. Writing male characters in this way is a way of subtly telling an audience that they are queer. This probably wasn't done intentionally, but should be kept in mind.

Johnny's character development involves him becoming more masculine, almost. The final important act he does in the book is save children from a burning building. Ponyboy comments on the fact that he seemed braver, louder etc in that moment, all traits associated with masculinity, which is 1) a strange reaction to the situation, especially for Johnny, and 2) exactly the kind of narrative standpoint one would take to show that femininity (or queerness) is bad.

Now for Ponyboy - his queer-coding is more subtle at times, and a little different. He isn't timid or shy or scared or feminine like Johnny. (However, he does once say that he "didn't care too much for girls yet", but that his brother said he would grow out of it. This is particularly strange, considering he is fourteen already.) Early on, it's established that he feels like an outsider within his own group. He doesn't really feel like a greaser, or act like one. He likes things that greasers don't like. He watches movies, he reads, he likes to see the sunset. He considers himself different, or "other", and he feels as if he can't talk about it. His friends just wouldn't get it.

A large part of the book, in my opinion, is Ponyboy finding other "outsiders", like Cherry and Johnny. (Cherry being a Soc while Johnny is another greaser.) All three of them talked once, while at a drive-in, Ponyboy finding a particular connection with Cherry despite her not being the only girl there. They all have the same sense of feeling “other”, and not being able to talk about it for fear of being judged.

Now for Johnny and Ponyboy’s relationship, which...oh boy. Some of it is just scenes like this, which feel very queer, outright:

“‘Guess I look okay now, huh, Johnny?’

He was studying me. ‘You know, you look an awful lot like Sodapop, the way you’ve got your hair and everything. I mean, except your eyes are green.’

‘They ain’t green, they’re gray,’ I said, reddening. ‘And I look about as much like Soda as you do.’ I got to my feet. ‘He’s good-looking.’

‘Shoot,’ Johnny said with a grin, ‘you are, too.’”

Not to mention the whole chapter they spend literally just acting like a domestic gay couple while they’re on the run, just the two of them, from the police. There’s also this conversation they have while watching the sunrise in this chapter (which I’ll talk more about later once I get to the symbolism), in which they talk about being outsiders. Here are a few quotes from that:

“‘You know,’ Johnny said slowly, ‘I never noticed colors and clouds and stuff until you kept reminding me about them. It seems like they were never there before.’”

“‘Well, Soda kinda looks like your mother did, but he acts just exactly like your father. And Darry is the spittin' image of your father, but he ain't wild and laughing all the time like he was. He acts like your mother. And you [Ponyboy] don't act like either one.’”

“‘You [Johnny] ain't like any of the gang. I mean, I couldn't tell Two-Bit or Steve or even Darry about the sunrise and clouds and stuff. I couldn't even remember that poem around them. I mean, they just don't dig. Just you and Sodapop. And maybe Cherry Valance.’

Johnny shrugged. ‘Yeah,’ he said with a sigh. ‘I guess we're different.’

‘Shoot,’ I said, blowing a perfect smoke ring, ‘maybe they are.’”

(Honestly, can my whole argument just be that one quote? “I guess we’re different.” // “Shoot. Maybe they are.” Queer stuff, huh?)

Later in the book, when Johnny is in the hospital, Ponyboy stresses again and again that he can’t think about him dying, that he can’t fathom a life without him. Everyone in the group is fond of Johnny, but Ponyboy acts like Johnny’s death would destroy him.

When Johnny is dying, he asks to see Ponyboy. His last words are to Ponyboy, despite Dally also being in the room. One of the other last things he does is write a letter to Ponyboy.

Johnny is also the first person Ponyboy runs to when his older brother hits him early in the book.

When Johnny dies, Ponyboy falls into denial, pretending and convincing himself that Johnny isn’t dead, because he couldn’t handle the grief. He says the reason that he doesn’t go insane with it, like Dally does, is because Johnny isn’t the only thing he loves.

This isn’t nearly all of it, but this post is already long as fuck, and I want to talk about some of the metaphors and symbols too.

Symbol #1: The hair

The is a more obvious one, as the author clearly intended it to be a metaphor, although probably not for something queer. When Johnny and Ponyboy go on the run after Johnny killed a Soc in self-defence, the two of them have to cut off their hair. This is obviously a big deal to them, especially Ponyboy, because they’re proud of their hair - it’s a symbol of the greasers, of rebellion, and it’s one of the last things they have that tie them with their gang back in the city. However, having Johnny and Ponyboy specifically cut off their hair feels like more of a symbol of them severing their ties to the greasers. They feel like outsiders within their own group already, and this is a way of showing that they’re leaving it behind, or starting to. (Shedding symbols of comphet, you know.)

Symbol #2: Sunrises and sunsets

Johnny, Cherry and Ponyboy, three characters who are outsiders within their own community, all spend time watching sunrises or sunsets. It’s one of the things that Ponyboy and Cherry bond over and talk about. Johnny and Ponyboy also watch a sunrise while they’re on the run. It’s a small thing that unites the three of them and becomes almost a symbol of their “otherness”, and thus, queercoding enters the chat. Also, the sunrise that Ponyboy and Johnny watch can symbolise the “beginning” of their relationship, as they start to see each other in a different light.

Symbol #3: Gone with the Wind

When Johnny and Ponyboy are on the run, Ponyboy buys the book Gone with the Wind from a corner store. They read it together. The book is an idealised story of the southern, free, country life. Johnny makes comments about how the men in the book are charming and gallant and he admires them. The book symbolises both what Ponyboy and Johnny wish they could be, like happy and free and rich (and straight and masculine), and what they are, or what they’re starting to find with each other while in the countryside. When Johnny is in the hospital, he asks for a copy of the book to read. It’s one of his last requests. In my opinion, he asked for it both to remember Ponyboy and to escape to a reality where he wasn’t young and dying, to one where he was still with Ponyboy on the run, or one like in the book where none of this happened at all. The book is integral to their relationship.

Symbol #4: The poem

When Ponyboy and Johnny are watching the sunrise in the church, Ponyboy recites a poem by Robert Frost:

Nature’s first green is gold,

Her hardest hue to hold,

Her early leaf’s a flower,

But only so an hour.

Then leaf subsides to leaf,

And Eden sank to grief.

So dawn goes down to day.

Nothing gold can stay.

At the time, the two of them both say that they don’t understand the poem. When Johnny dies later in the book, his last words to Ponyboy are to “stay gold”. In the letter he wrote for Ponyboy, which Ponyboy reads later, he says that he now understands the poem.

“I’ve been thinking about it, and that poem, that guy that wrote it, he meant you’re gold when you’re a kid, like green. When you’re a kid, everything’s new, dawn. It’s just when you get used to everything that it’s day. Like the way you dig sunsets, Pony. That’s gold. Keep that way, it’s a good way to be.”

Oh boy, there’s a lot to say about this poem.

First of all, the poem symbolises what Ponyboy gave Johnny - a new outlook on life. A lens with which to see more beautiful things. Johnny said that he hadn’t really appreciated sunsets or clouds before Ponyboy pointed them out to him.

Secondly, the meaning of the poem. When you consider Johnny’s interpretation, also taking into account what sunsets and sunrises etc. mean in this book, it’s possible that the “gold” phase is Ponyboy’s acceptance of himself. Ponyboy loves Johnny. He knows he’s different, and while he doesn’t shout it from the rooftops, he’s happy with it in his own way. He finds other people like him, queer, like Cherry and Johnny.

However, the poem’s whole meaning is that nothing gold can stay. That’s the message we’re left with, even with Johnny’s insistence of “staying gold”. It could honestly be referring to an array of things - perhaps Johnny himself, or life in general (given the amount of death in this book), or youth. Obviously, this whole post is about the queer undertones in the outsiders, so one could argue that it’s about a queer youth experience, especially in the past - finding someone like you, someone you love, but it not lasting forever, and it being especially difficult to find again, given the circumstances.

In the end, Johnny dies, but he leaves Ponyboy with all the things that remind him of him - sunsets, sunrises, Gone with the Wind, stargazing. And ultimately, I think that’s the “gold” that the book is referring to.

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waywardrose · 4 years

Text

On Babbushka

There is a group of well-known writers in the fandom who have been discouraged and put down by one of their own, Zannah - @babbushka. It happens behind the scenes in DMs. It happens in posts and tags.

In DMs, she has started conversations with seemingly innocent questions. When she doesn't receive the response she was aiming for, she diverts the conversation to criticizing and humiliating the person. She has attacked writers for tagging—or not tagging—a post in a way she deems appropriate. She has gotten into arguments over how characters were portrayed and then tried to claim victimization when the other person wouldn't knuckle under.

She will appeal to her following to attack any fan or creator who has an opinion that differs from her own. She will encourage friends to send rude anons. Those same friends will also DM the target with rude remarks.

Several creators have stopped writing altogether because of their interactions with her.

We are tired of being discouraged. We are tired of being talked down to. We are tired of being bullied. Enough is enough. Under the cut we share our stories, let the chips fall where they may. It's up to you, the reader, to decide whether to support her.

We can only warn up-and-coming writers, artists, fans, and supporters of her behavior.

Hope - @callmehopeless

The Australian bushfires of the 2019-2020 season were nightmarish—for those living through it and those witnessing. As the season went on, cries for help increased. Joaquin Phoenix used the time during his Best-Actor acceptance speech at the Golden Globes to call for unity, action, and accountability. Regardless of what we may think of him, it was a thoughtful speech.

Hope, who is an Australian, found Mr. Phoenix's message encouraging and reblogged a gifset of his speech.

That morning, Zannah made a post about Mr. Phoenix's shady past and his association with a known sexual predator. The main reason wasn't because his speech was inappropriate or not timely, but because she didn't think he should be the one to get the attention over other actors who had spoken of the bushfires during the Golden Globes.

While Hope confessed she was scared of the bushfires, scared for her loved ones, Zannah was more concerned with purity. To Zannah it was about the face of the message, not the message itself. It didn't matter that Mr. Phoenix was amplifying support for Australia, what did matter was that he had done bad things.

It was virtue signaling on Zannah's part.

Still, this remains a complicated argument. Can a person who has done bad things actually have something positive to add to a cause? Should we listen to a problematic person if they share an insight? Does it reflect poorly on us to agree with their isolated statement? Will we be canceled, too? What about the bigger picture?

In this case, the bigger picture was hundreds of homes were destroyed in the bushfires and families were displaced. People died, thousands of animals died. And it was because of climate change. Mr. Phoenix called for his rich peers to examine their respective lifestyles and to give back.

Yes, Mr. Phoenix has done bad things. Yes, he has associated with people who have done bad things. His words resonated with people on Tumblr, and they reblogged part of his speech. He said something that gave Hope hope.

Hope was asked by a third party how they could help. She came back with a resource guide for those who wanted to send aid to Australians.

When it became obvious Zannah wouldn't silence Hope, Zannah decided to sub-post about the interaction. There, she accused Hope of being a rape apologist for reblogging a gifset and finding a little comfort in it. Zannah placed her ego before someone who was facing a very real danger.

Side-eying an actor is one thing, shaming a person you know for finding solace during a scary time is another. Hope isn't responsible for which voice got picked up. The only "colors" being shown here are Zannah's. She put her own concerns about being perceived as morally pure above actually supporting a friend.

I'll keep this brief - I knew Zannah for many years. And on one of the lowest weeks of my life, when my suburb was burning down and I feared for my family: she convinced me I was a rape apologist for sharing Joaquin Phoenix's speech asking for action on bushfires. In all my life, I never felt more alone. To add insult to injury, she then posted memes mocking me - something that has stuck with me to this day.

I've had dear friends quit the fandom because of her kinkshaming. I've had people I love message me distraught over what she's said.

Enough is enough.

— @callmehopeless

Rose - @the-wayward-rose

This PM exchange started after I tagged my reblog of Zannah's fic Feast (Cameron Bistle x Reader) with cw: white reader. I had been on her taglist, and I wanted to show support because I liked the fic overall. For context, the reason for my tag is because of this sentence:

"But then you're blushing so pretty and squeezing his hand affectionately and reaching for the handle to the passenger side of his car, and then you're laughing when he swats your hand away to open it for you, and then you're beckoning him down as if to ask a question – only to place a chaste kiss to his lips instead."

This is from Cameron's point of view.

She asked the reason for the tag, and I explained it was because of the use of "blush" to describe Reader's appearance.

She misunderstood my premise. I did not mean only white people blush.

According to Merriam-Webster, blush means "a reddening of the face especially from shame, modesty, or confusion" or "a red or rosy tint."

It is an autonomic response, though. It happens in all humans for body cooling and nonverbal communication. The main problem with using it universally is that melanin obscures the appearance of said autonomic response.

Here's an example of three runners:

The two pale women, left and center, are pink in the face. They are blushing. The woman of color on the right is likely blushing, too. However, the melanin in her skin obscures the blood in her cheeks. She is not pink.

That's the pitfall of the word "blush." The observer can't always see it. We know what it feels like. We all do it. The face and/or neck gets hot. The use of "blush" is shorthand in narrative, and I understand that. Nevertheless, when writing to cater to a reader-insert audience of unknown heritage, writers need to consider describing with universal terms.

Again, she misunderstood my premise. I clarified by asking how Cameron sees the Reader blush under an abundance of melanin:

She sidestepped the physiological explanation to go straight for justification. She tried to legitimize "blush" as "perhaps [this]" or "perhaps [that]" when I stated earlier that blush by definition is pink or is to redden. That's the logic. A noncommittal, covering-all-the-bases, complicated defense diluted the conversation.

With her earlier "I have friends of color, hence I can't be exclusionary" statement, I wasn't sure she would get my point. I take full responsibility for not explaining, too. I should've asked for some time to gather my thoughts, but I didn't. Truthfully, I was unprepared, because I didn't think my insignificant tag would be an issue.

Also, I was confused why she was trying to police my blog.

Her replies came rapidly—before I could mention my confusion—and felt aggressive in the moment. Maybe that wasn't her intention, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

That doesn't take away from the fact that words have meaning. It's why we use specific words. It's not understood in the narrative that her use of "blush" could mean a bunch of things. If I had known, I wouldn't have tagged as I did. How is a reader of color supposed to know that? How does Cameron see Reader's blush if she has darker skin?

As writers, we don't know who is reading. Someone could be very pale or very dark. A person with medium-toned skin can turn a shade of pink or red. A person with darker-toned skin will not. We can't assume all readers are medium to pale. We need to develop better writing skills. We have to include everyone.

Readers of color > White-writer feelings

When I stood my ground, she doubled down, stating I made no sense in my tagging and that I lacked the ability to learn from her. She then diverted the argument, attacking a ficlet I wrote a few days beforehand—which had nothing to do with this argument. The Christian imagery in that ficlet was upsetting to her and "in such poor taste" because she headcanons Flip Zimmerman (BlacKkKlansman) is 100% culturally and ethnically Jewish.

Flip stated in the movie:

"I'm Jewish, but I wasn't raised to be. It wasn't part of my life. I never thought much about being Jewish. Nobody around me was Jewish. I wasn't going to a bunch of Bar Mitzvahs. I didn't have a Bar Mitzvah. I was just another white kid. And now I'm in some basement denying it out loud[...] I never thought much about it. Now I'm thinking about it all the time. About rituals and heritage. Is that passing? Well then, I have been passing."

By his own admission, Flip is ethnically Jewish, but not culturally. These are two separate things, and that should be recognized. While Judaism is ethnically and culturally entwined in ways that other religions are not, one does not equate the other. You can be one and not the other.

At the time, I didn't want her to sic her 3000+ followers on me. I wasn't going to argue further. I asked myself if the ficlet was important and worth anon-hate and realized, no, it wasn't. It was a throw-away.

And since I'm not culturally Jewish, maybe I had misstepped. And since Zannah is both culturally and ethnically Jewish, I asked for her guidance.

She flatly refused my request. I don't know how I was supposed to learn from her if she wouldn't teach me.

It sounded as if she wanted me to delete the whole fic. Like none of it was worth saving because it hadn't been Zannah-approved. I had gone against her headcanon, and the fic was too offensive to fix.

The last sentence was supposed to cover her back from criticism, and it placed all the responsibility on me. Obviously, she was above such petty concerns as someone else's blog or writing. Never mind that she had just attempted to get me to change my tagging system and rewrite my ficlet. On my blog.

Later, I figured out she was only criticizing and not offering a constructive critique. Her argument was not in good faith. It was retaliation for not giving her the obedience she thought she was owed.

This is the passage that offended her:

"It’s because of the way he fucks you. Like it’s confession—though he’s never been much of a church-going man. Every touch, every thrust, is a truth between you. Even when it’s rough and greedy. It feels like flagellation when you claw his back. He wears the sin proudly."

This is what I edited it to:

"It’s because of the way he fucks you. Every touch, every thrust, is a truth between you. Even when it’s rough and greedy. It feels like flagellation when you claw his back. He wears your marks proudly."

Yeah, I'm not pleased with the revised passage. It's lost its teeth, but I keep it.

The anonymous message(s) she mentioned weren't very anonymous, either. Unfortunately, I've since deleted the two messages. I had apologized to Anon for disappointing them. I said that if the fic was too much, they should unfollow and block me. I meant that in a self-care way. At the same time, I did not—and do not—owe anyone discourse. I don't have to explain my art when it doesn't hurt anyone. And no one was hurt by some purportedly misplaced religious imagery.

I have been silent about this since late January/early February. I was embarrassed. I had been bullied into changing my blog and my fic by someone who proclaims to never do anything of the sort. I had been a fool. Since this conversation with her, I have been blocked/blacklisted by third-parties, most likely at her behest, when none of this exchange had been necessary.

Kassanovella - @kylorengarbagedump

Zannah's followers have asked her about Kassanovella’s Fix Your Attitude. For context, it's currently one of the most kudo-ed fics for Kylo Ren x Reader on AO3. It had a bit of a renaissance earlier in 2020 because a TikToker wrote a song for it.

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to read a fic. If the subject matter doesn't work for a reader, they don't have to partake. Easy as that. So, these tags aren't a problem.

However, it led to this...

She lashed out, calling Kassanovella's fic a joke. A joke.

She implied her fics should be as popular as Kassanovella's because she works really hard on them. She admitted she's tied to the metrics. She implied she wouldn't be writing fic if not for the external validation.

Here's the thing about fanfic: readers like what they like. They don't care about a writer's effort. They only know what works for them. They comment and give kudos, reblog and like what they connect with. That is not under the writer's control. All a writer can do is try their best and concentrate on what they're passionate about.

To bash another writer's fic because it's popular is disrespectful. This whole bitter rant drips of entitlement and is an affront to Kassanovella.

Some time later, an incident happened in a chatroom during a streaming event for veterans by Arts In the Armed Forces (Adam Driver's organization). At least one fan brought up Fix Your Attitude while waiting for Mr. Driver to make an appearance. They were also disrespectful towards the other presenters by demanding to see Mr. Driver. It caused a big stink within the fandom, and Zannah had some choice words.

While mentioning the fic during the livestream was inappropriate, it was also inappropriate to throw all fans of the fic under the bus as she did in her tag. Sweeping generalizations and incriminations of a subset of fans certainly reads as if she resents those fans for a perceived slight.

Next, Zannah made an earlier disparaging comment about Kassanovella's fic, Little Bird. Unfortunately, that comment is lost. However, the messages supporting the comment remain. (For context, Little Bird is a Kylo Ren x Reader The Handmaid's Tale AU. It has been well received in the fandom, earning thousands of kudos on AO3.)

What an author wants to write about and sexualize is their business. Fantasizing about being dominated by Kylo Ren isn't cringe. It's a sexual fantasy. Some sexual fantasies can be disturbing to those who do not share the same kink.

Sexual fantasies are like ice cream. There's a reason why there are different flavors.

Also, "I will never ever be a person that tells an author what to do or not do" is an absolute lie. As evident in this post, Zannah most definitely tells authors what to do or not do.

Again, she bashes Kassanovella, claiming her writing isn't good. Her motivation for bashing Kassanovella can only be speculation. With Zannah's previously stated opinion of Fix Your Attitude, though, it indicates a certain level of negative emotions.

Anonymous

An anonymous person came forward with a case of Zannah policing their blog. Anon has a sideblog for their personal AU with Flip Zimmerman. They reblog gifsets and post headcanons. They were an enthusiastic fan of Zannah's and reblogged a few of the gifset she made. Anon tagged their reactions, and Zannah blocked them for it.

Anon went to Zannah and asked why they were blocked, because all they wanted to do was have fun and support fellow Flip lovers.

Anon was under the impression that because they were shipping themselves, and not Zannah, with Flip, she blocked them. Their personal AU doesn't align with Zannah's headcanon that she alone is married to this character and has his children.

While Zannah's reply may sound innocent, and perhaps it is, it also speaks to someone who has set herself up as the owner of Flip Zimmerman. (Wait until Spike Lee or the real Ron Stallworth hears about that...) It appears that if a fan does not comply with the Zannah-approved headcanon, where only she is married to Flip, that fan shall be blocked. If a fan uses tags on their blog that she does not approve of, that fan will be blocked.

Zannah's policing is disturbing. Going into a blog to look for something as a reason to block is disturbing. Any fan is allowed to use any tag on their blog how they wish. If the OP has said their post can be reblogged, how a reblogger tags is beyond the OP's control. To punish that reblogger for not behaving in a way she finds acceptable is uncalled for and unjust.

Anonymous

Backstory: Zannah does not view Ben Solo's arc in the Star Wars sequel trilogy as acceptable canon. However, she does view the story she created for Flip Zimmerman in BlacKkKlansman as completely canon.

This is not the first time she has been asked to clarify her position. Nor is it the first time she has avoided giving an on-topic response. A question asked in good faith should be responded to in kind.

If a creator doesn't want to address the issue, they can state that they don't. Deflecting from the question only muddies the waters. Fans feel dismissed. The creator feels hounded, and comes across as irritated and unapproachable. No one has a positive fandom experience.

There is nothing wrong with having a headcanon. What is wrong is Zannah mandating her headcanon for Flip on the whole fandom. As evident in this post, if a fan does not comply with her headcanon, they will be summarily blocked.

Also, there is nothing wrong with rejecting canon. Writers of transformative works have always done this. The problem is shaming fans who have accepted canon while not offering justification for that shaming. A creator saying they "can't help them" is the creator washing their hands of responsibility from articulating their thoughts when they themselves began criticizing the canon in the first place.

Again, this is a bad-faith argument. Creators can't ask for discussion and attention and then get mad when their viewpoints are challenged. Just because a discussion isn't going a creator's way doesn't mean it's an attack, either. It means people want clarification, and if one criticizes, they should be able to back up their criticisms.

While sharing our stories has been freeing, it's not our aim as fellow fans to cancel Zannah. We would hope she would take the opportunity to reflect on the damage she has done to the fandom. We hope we all can move forward with a more approachable and supportive scene.

No one person speaks for our fandom. The actions of one fan do not represent the entire fandom. Whether creator or consumer, you are welcome here.

[posted July 25, 2020]

#babbushka #reader insert #flip zimmerman x reader #kylo ren x reader

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peaky-malachai · 3 years

Text

﹒☼﹒

UPON RETURN | T. SHELBY | ii

﹒♱﹒

part. ii

•requested: yes by a few

•tw: slight mention of blood/fight, alcohol? at the very end theres a bit of seggsual tension

•wc: 2k ish

•season set: 1 /2 (i vision just before 1 tbh)

﹒♱﹒

You almost went silent as you doubled over, laughing with John, trying to catch your breath. The Garrison was loud, a Saturday night was always the busiest, being that it was half of the towns last day at work. Unfortunately not everyone had a two day weekend.

"So this whole room is yours then, ay?", you asked after your laughter died down and you both took a swig of your beverages.

"Oh yeah", John sat up, his arm resting on top of the bench, a few foot between you both, "Meetings, parties, everything 'appens in 'ere", he cleared his throat as he watched you look around in awe.

"When I left", you snorted, "When I left, you boys were barely even feared by Misses Briggs down at the bakery, 'n' she's a scaredy cat", you laughed, "Fuckin' 'ell, now look at ya, practically run the town".

John shrugged, "I don't even know how it got to this, to be fair".

The door burst open to reveal a drunken Arthur, "Y/L/N!", he called, walking over to sit adjacent from you in a singular arm chair,

"Y/N/N, how are ya?".

You held back a laugh, slightly tipsy yourself from Harry's generous pouring, "Better than I was this afternoon, Arthur", you leant back into the bench, "Me 'ands are comin' along now n'all".

Arthur squinted his eyes as you held your hands out above the table. Suddenly he stood up and moved over to sit next to you on the end of the bench. You quickly scooted across it to make some space and practically fell against John. Which of course ended up with now all three of you wheezing with laughter.

As if on queue, Tommy then walked through the door. His eyebrows slightly knitted as he looked over at the scene before him. Y/N's practically in John's lap, Arthur practically hugging the side of Y/N. The three of them hadn't even noticed Tom standing there as they tried catching their breath, trying to remember why they were laughing in the first place.

"Tommy!", John saw his elder brother first, "Finally! Come to join us for a pint 'ave yah?".

Tommy barely nodded his head as he kept his eyes trained on Y/N, who appeared to be now busy talking to Arthur about something. Clearly ignoring Tommy. Which angered him. Not that he would exhibit any sign of that.

"Did you know that Y/Ns been taking notes from our books whilst she's been away", John asked Tommy, "She's practically made her own betting shop down in London, t' make a few bob on the side". John nudged you, bringing you into his conversation, "'Aven't yah?".

You shrugged, "It wasn't really a betting shop", you turned to face John as Arthur stood up, stumbling to the small double door in the wall to get a fresh pint from Harry. "It was more like a 'You bet money on this and I'll double your winnings if you win, except, you won't win because I've rigged it' kind of thing and it was in the middle of the street".

John laughed, "Yeah, exactly, that's what I said".

Tommy walked over to the arm chair where Arthur had first sat, "That's dangerous", he commented as he pulled a pre-rolled cigarette out of his own metal tin.

You scoffed, sitting up straight, realising Tommy was actually in the same room as you right now and you looked a mess, "That's a bit rich coming from you, Thomas", you lifted your leg across the other under the table as you held your chin high. Who was he to tell you something was dangerous; As if he wasn't a notoriously dangerous criminal himself.

Tommy narrowed his eyes as he quickly took a glance at you before lighting his cigarette and chucking his pack of matches onto the table, his spare hand landing next to them. "You know", he began, which made you roll your eyes already, "I'm only trying to look out for you, it's not as if you have us down there with you".

You arched your eyebrow as let out a dry laugh, turning to John to see if he found his just as amusing. He didn't, of course, he was a man, he thought nothing of it as took a swig of his drink. Unfazed by the conversation.

"What, so are you sayin' that 'coz I'm a woman, I can't run my own dodgy business 'coz I won't 'ave The Three Main Peaky Boys to protect me when shit goes bobbins?".

John turned to you, his drink a centimetre away from his lips, "Goes what?".

"Rubbish! Goes Rubbish!", you shook your head at your best friend with a light slap to the side of his head, he tutted and pushed you back slightly.

"This, Tommy", you turned back, "This is exactly why I run my own dodgy business, by myself".

"What do you mean by exactly why?", he said simply.

"I mean, I don't have to fuckin' explain myself every five seconds", you sighed as you leant forward, resting your elbows on the table, a clear sign that you weren't having any of it. Tommy had almost forgotten you were like this. So brash. He liked it. He liked you. It irritated him. "Because everyone down there understands what I'm fuckin' on about".

John turned to you, speaking lowly, "Yeah, but you grew up here?".

You turned to him with a scowl, "Yeah, doesn't mean I fuckin' talk like yous, does it ya muppet".

"Shut up".

"You're the one that fuckin' said it".

"Oi", Arthur shouted as he walked back over, "Why are you arguing like little kids again".

"'Cause Tommy thinks I shouldn't run my own business", you turned to Arthur as he sat down across from John.

"I never said you shouldn't be running it", Tommy said with a flat tone, "I said, it's dangerous".

"Yeah, but it's the way in which you said it".

"You knew I wasn't being condescending".

"Fuckin' seemed like it", you crossed your arms across your chest as you turned your head away from Tommy.

"Oh for fuck sake!", John shouted, "Can't you two go five minutes with out bickering? It's like 1912 all over again", he stood up, "I'm going to find a woman".

"Fine! Fuck off then", you smiled playfully as you watched John flip you off whilst leaving the room. Arthur watched in wonder, he didn't understand your friendship at all, though he admired it.

"Right", Arthur slapped the table, "I've gotta piss but I'll see you two when you've stopped arguing". With that Arthur left the room. You and Tommy now alone.

Wonderful.

Great.

Neither of you said a word. You watched as Tommy eyes moved from every item on the table until he had no choice but to look up around the room. You wasn't stupid. You knew he wanted you to speak first. He wasn't good with expressing his emotions.

But fuck that.

And neither were you.

You brushed your skirt down before standing up and walking behind Tommy's chair. You didn't get far before he sharply turned to grab your wrist, letting go when he realised that was a little boisterous.

"Where you off to then?".

You shrugged, "Dunno, anywhere that's going to hold more conversation then you".

Tommy sighed, "Fuck sake", he mumbled, "Sit down", he looked you in the eye as he motioned for you to sit in the singular seat across from him.

You pursed you're lips, thinking — although honestly, you didn't need to think twice before agreeing to whatever Tommy told you.

Getting comfortable on the seat you looked over at the broken criminal, the shell of who used to be a bubbly trouble maker. "Well".

"Well what?", Tommy asked as he spoke with the end of his cigarette in his mouth.

You shook your head slightly, amazed by the stubbornness, "Why did you want me to sit down, I was excepting at least a smile, or would you rather I leave and find Jack from down the lane", you smirked as you picked at your nails innocently.

Tommy looked over with a harsh glare, "We both know you'd rather spend eternity in a prison cell with me and a rat then have to get into bed with him".

You smiled, it was true, you both knew it.

Yet even the idea of you with Jack still managed to irritate Tommy, it was amusing. You chose not to speak, wanting Tommy to give you his full attention. He looked over, stubbing out the end of his cigarette as he turned to face you, body mirroring yours. He cleared his throat before speaking, "Remember the day you left?".

You shrugged, "Suppose – everyone hugged me a thousand times over and you gave me that pocket knife".

Tommy shook his head, "Wasn't asking a question".

Your voice faded as you knitted your eyebrows together with an irritated smirk, "Oh, sorry, so go on then", leaning forward and resting your elbow on the side of your chair with your chin in your hand you looked Tommy up and down, debating how much time you would have left alone with him before another brother made an entrance, "Enlighten me on my memories".

Tommy's body relaxed back into his seat as his tongue touched his cheek, he had always loved your argumentative side, it seemed as if you reserved it especially for him.

"When you left Jacks house", he spoke as he reached into his blazer to grab something from a hand sewn (by polly) inner pocket, "with this", he handed you a smashed pocket watch.

You took the old small gold plated clock and looked at it with a small glint in your eyes. That clock had once belonged to Jack. Poor lad. You'd been in his house helping out his mother with some letters she wanted to send out for Christmas. Everything was fine until Jack came home, drunk. He was a few years older then yourself. Almost the same as Thomas.

Skipping the details he was talking about a certain girl he had been trying to chat up. Of course she didn't want anything to do with Jack, which she seemed to have cleared up respectfully. However, Jack, being the piece of shit he was, didn't care for that and thought she owed him something.

After hearing enough of it you turned to his mum and said, 'sorry but I can't take this any longer'.

You then stood up and grabbed the pocket watch hanging loosely from his gin stained blazer and smashed it into the side of his head, hitting his left temple. Blood trickled down from his eyebrow as he stumbled back, tripping up and falling onto his settee.

You grabbed him by the collar of his shirt with your free hand, leaning down to face him, 'don't ever talk another girl who's uninterested in you ever again', you pushed him back and stood up straight, 'and if you so I'll let some not very nice men know about it, call in some favours if you know what I mean'.

He nodded profusely and started mumbling some apology as you turned back to face his mother, 'sorry, I'll see myself out', you said as you grabbed your coat and bag before quickly leaving to go find Tommy and tell him about how you probably just made a big mistake.

"He was an ass", you simply said as you placed the watch onto the table, "Whats your point, Thomas". The mans face twitched, almost invisibly, but you saw.

"My point", he leant forward, "Y/N". You gulped, sitting up straight. "That's when I realised you were the one". You visibly shivered when you felt his finger tip on your knee, slowly tapping it he moved it half an inch up as he spoke, "That's when I realised you were going to be the death of me, Y/N".

Biting your lip you looked down, watching Tommy's finger tease it's way across your thigh, unsure of his plans. Barely above a whisper you managed to get out a breathless, "Tommy".

You saw him smirk as he licked his lower lip, his eyes travelling over your body before finally meeting yours, "Yes?".

Cheeks rosey red as you felt yourself blushing you uncrossed your legs and sat up straight with your chin in the air. Only to recross your legs the opposite way.

"Is this an issue, sweetheart?", Tommy said gently, this time he placed his entire hand on your thigh, the thin fabric of the old dress you borrowed from Ada being the only thing separating your warm skin from Tommy's stone cold hand. The only thing stopping you from losing all self control you had.

﹒♱﹒

✒︎author note: part three then?

& comment any spelling mistakes x

✒︎feedback: plz :))

✒︎requests: open⎝09/2021⎞

☞published: 16.03.2021

﹒☼﹒

#tommy shelby #tommy shelby imagine #thomas shelby #peaky blinders fanfic #peaky blinders imagine

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m-y-fandoms · 4 years

Text

Korekiyo Shinguuji x reader fluff

Request: Hello!! ✨ Can i request something fluffy with Korekiyo (it would be nice if it would be with his pregame version (but original is okay, too))? Maybe he's having a sleepover with reader? Thank you in advance ✨ I really like your writing. Your oneshots and imagines make my day!!

Okay I’m gonna de pregame Korekiyo like you asked! So just a tall, lanky, beautiful man with a face mask. No incest and lipstick or killing game lmao. Also I’ll make him interested in anthropology but not the Ultimate/SHSL - Admin Kokichi

“Are you sure? I really don’t want to impose…” your best friend, Korekiyo Shinguuji, stares at you from behind his black dust mask with a concerned gaze. His brows are furrowed deeply in the center.

Korekiyo had gotten into a fight last night with his legal guardian, his older sister. Apparently, it had been a nasty one, unlike anything that’s happened between them before. It gotten so bad that she kicked him out of the house, with no word of when he would be allowed back in.

“Yeah, of course, Kiyo! We are buds right? You’re my bestie! I can’t let my bestie just spend the. night alone in some hotel or sleep out in the street, now can I?”

“But Y/N-”

“Would you let me go sleep in the street if it were me?”

“No, I suppose not, but-”

“Then any argument you have in invalid. Case closed!” You closed your notebook on your desk haughtily as if to signify the end of the conversation. Korekiyo sighed, a slight blush on his cheeks as he placed his head down on his desk with anxiety.

“You’re sure your parents are okay with it?” He mumbled, his black hair cascading down his back and shoulders and splaying out around his desk.

“Well…”

“Y/N…” he warned, scolding you like a mad mother.

“They will be out of town this entire week. My dad always travels for work and my bitch of a stepmother has to stay attached to his hip like a leech at all times so-”

“Then me staying over seems highly inappropriate. I’m sure your father would-”

“Don’t make me guilt you into coming over. You’re my friend. You’re in need, and I love spending time with you! Please?” You reached over and pulled on the sleeve of his exorbitantly-priced sweater with eyes wide like a puppy dog.

“You win this time, Y/N, but if your father finds out and becomes hostile toward me, I’m going to blame you…” he joked breathily, shaking his head at his stubborn best friend. He couldn’t help but give into your every want and desire, and you often pulled him into your schemes and plans. Well...he called them schemes, but he was just a goody-two-shoes, so anything not morally immaculate or life-enriching was considered foolish to him.

“Then it’s settled.” You nearly squealed. You’d been waiting forever to have him over to your house, but he’d always declined. You’d known him for about a year, and still your humble abode had remained a mystery to him. He lived with his older sister who took care of him after their parents died, and she was extremely strict with him. He was never allowed to come over after school. You’d been to his place once or twice, but always with supervision and strictly for studying or some other educational activity. If you wanted to spend time after school, he had to lie to her about where he was going and why. Finally, you’d have your crush, your best friend over to your home.

You had to admit to yourself, you did feel a little guilty about the whole situation. You were inviting him over for mainly selfish reasons. Yes, he was your best friend and you’d never let him go without a place to stay, but there was a large part of you that just wanted the boy you liked alone and to yourself for a night or...maybe two, if this first sleepover went well. Unfortunately though, your crush on him weighed heavily on you. You felt horrible for keeping this secret of your feelings from him, because he trusted you with everything. You were so scared that letting him know that you wanted to be more than friends would ruin the close bond you two had. Yeah...it would be way too awkward to remain friends afterward if he rejected your feelings.

You both were let out after the last class of the day. Korekiyo walked you back home every single day since you’d become friends. At first, you found it a bit embarrassing, seeing as he was one of the kids from the rich neighborhoods around your school and you lived in a middle-class suburb a bit further away. Your fears about your class-difference with your best friend quickly faded as you got to know him. It became clear within weeks of hanging out that he would never judge you based on financial status, whether you lived in a trailer or a palace. That was just one of the many things you loved about him. And boy could you list a bunch…

He was intelligent, a straight-A student and teacher’s pet. He had endless wisdom and knowledge of both practical things and useless trivia. He gave the best advice, and was so passionate about both his hobbies and yours. You could talk with him forever without the topic getting dry.

His looks only enamored you to him further. He was tall and slender, with a perfectly built frame. Unlike your peers, he never got acne, and his complexion was pore-less and smooth like marble. He was pale, and his eyes stood out like flecks of gold against an ivory surface. His hair was healthier and more majestic than any female you knew. It was long, all the way down his back, and was the deepest, darkest shade of black with delicate bangs that fell across his forehead. He was absolutely gorgeous, but for some reason he still had self-esteem issues. For this reason, he always wore a dust mask over his mouth and nose that concealed his entire lower face. You could never understand why. Everyone at school either liked him or was jealous of him, and he had nothing to hide from anyone.

He tried to lie to you at first, stating that he had a weaker constitution and because of frequent illness and hospital visits, his sister made him wear it, but once you got closer, he admitted he liked hiding his face and it made him feel comfortable. He customized his masks, or commissioned them to be specially made, having embroidery on them or patchwork and sometimes shelling out for the more expensive leather or designer masks...which you didn’t even know existed until you met him.

You’d tried to convince him multiple times that he was beautiful and had nothing worth covering up, but he insisted upon wearing the masks in public at least. After knowing him for a few months, he let you see his bare face, but only at his house. And man...were you blown away. He almost...looked like a woman without the mask. But not? It was hard to explain. He was like some kind of gender-less, androgynous deity. He certainly had a strong, masculine brow and jaw, but then his lips were pert and plump and soft...soft-looking at least. They were gentle and the cupid’s bow dipped down low and rounded out. He had a wide, manly chest and slender waist, but long eyelashes. Large, veiny hands, but delicate skin and hair. He was absolutely heavenly to look at. That first time, when you’d seen him without his mask, you knew you were falling hard, and it made you sweat and your heart speed up. You were always so scared that you’d go too far or flirt by accident and he’d catch on and pull away from your friendship. It hadn’t happened yet, thankfully.

It was raining, pouring down actually, and you two rushed down the street side by side, backpacks over your heads for protection from the downpour.

“I apologize. As you know, I would usually have an umbrella but after she kicked me out last night, Miyadera has refused to let me go in and get anything that I didn’t have on my person at the time.” He was right, he was always prepared for any possibility, and his sister had now made that impossible.

“It’s fine. I read the forecast this morning. I should’ve brought one as well,” you yelled, the rain pelting you both loudly. “We really should get a car or something. We’re seniors for fuck’s sake.” We? You didn’t know why you’d said that. He was his own person and probably could afford to buy you both cars with his own pocket money.

Why did you even say that?

“Ah, but walking is better exercise! It’s good for us! Besides...Miya won’t let me buy one... you know that. She practically controls all of my funds.”

“Kiyo, you’re 18 now, get your damn money back!”

“I’m scared…” he chuckled, only half-joking. It was true, you both had turned 18 recently and were about to graduate, but his sister still treated him like a little kid. Pretty ironic, as you wouldn’t kick a little kid out onto the street on their own.

You passed his neighborhood, and he looked up at it longingly, raindrops substituting tears dripping down his cheeks. You could tell this was weighing on him. He loved his home, it was where he felt safe, and he hated fighting with his sister. She was a tough guardian, yes, but she gave up her life as a young woman in her prime to raise him.

You were approaching your street now, both of you soaked down to your socks and hoping your bags didn’t also soak through. You both had many folders of homework and electronics inside that would all be ruined if so. You reached the curb, waiting to cross into your neighborhood, when an unruly teen in his beaten-up sedan screeched by, speeding past you two carelessly. You grabbed Korekiyo’s pale, cold hand, startled by the sudden volume of the law-breaking vehicle, and you both gasped as its wheels dug into the puddle in front of you just below the curb, and splashed onto you both like a tidal wave.

“Fuckin’ asshole!” You yelled, charging forward after the car until a hand landed firmly on your shoulder, holding you back. You swore the rain would begin to evaporate and steam up into the air with how hot your skin was right now. You were royally pissed off.

“Y/N if he’s the type of man to do that, what do you think talking to him would accomplish? Also, do you really think it’s possible to catch up to a speeding vehicle on foot?” Always the voice of reason. Always so calm and mature. You usually admired that in him, but right now you were seeing red, and his dismissal of your mood made you a bit ticked off at him as well.

“But! I-gah! Aren’t you pissed? He just-”

“Got us wet? We were already wet.”

“But he did that on purpose!”

“I know. Being irate changes nothing. Come on, once we are inside I’m sure we can get warm and dry off. I’ll keep you warm,” he smiled gently behind his mask, his eyes crinkling. Your cheeks would’ve heated up had your body not already been aflame from rage. You didn’t know why you were always so flustered when he was caring toward you or touched you or even mentioned touching you. You felt gross reveling in his platonic intimacy so much. It felt like you were taking advantage of his kindness. Yes, he could keep you warm once you got home. That was normal. You two always cuddled or held hands or leaned on each other. You were just that close. But it was all just casual, as friends...right?

“Y-yeah. You can shower and I have some baggier, more comfortable clothes you can wear to hang out and sleep in. I think those should fit.” Korekiyo was taller than you and awfully skinny but you had some general sweatpants and oversized t-shirts that you were sure would fit anyone comfortably. You knew Korekiyo was used to the best and most expensive textiles and fashion, but for just hanging out at your house? It should be fine.

“That’s very kind of you, thanks.” You were sure he was thinking: how could you put me in peasant-wear, but he would never say that aloud to you. “Why do you have that awful look on your face? Did I say something to offend you, Y/N?” He took your hand in his as you reached your front door and rummaged through your bag for your house keys, Korekiyo holding his phone’s flashlight over your bag to assist you.

“No, I’m fine, Kiyo, why?” The keys jingled in the lock and you opened the door.

“You know you can’t lie to me, Y/N,” his voice dropped into a low rumble, and you got chills down your spine. He was just so...sexy without even trying.

“I just...sometimes I feel bad that you spend so much time with me or like I’m not enough, like the rest of our classmates who live in that bougie housing plan of yours...like with the clothes I’m giving you tonight. I feel like you deserve better or like...like what if those kids start to judge you one day because you’re hanging out with people that are beneath you.”

“Y/N,” he stopped you, rolling his eyes as you both dropped your soaking bags and overcoats on the floor on your living room, “You’re my ‘bestie’ as you always say,” he chuckled dryly. “Do you really think I care what clothes I’m wearing when we are alone or what any of our peers think of my friendship with you? I know you know me far better than that… where is this all coming from? You’re unusually… emotional today,” he took your hand once again, leading you to the couch, but pausing before sitting down with you. “I do not wish to soak your couch. That shower would be nice about now,” you could see the pallor of his skin, coated like wet porcelain as he shook slightly.

“Y-yes! Well okay, we have a bathroom in my parent’s master bedroom and one just in the hallway for guests and myself. You can take the master bedroom one, it’s much nicer,” you stuttered.

“Why do you insist on babying me and always thinking I need pampered or require only the finer things in life? I was born wealthy, I don’t need all of those things. I think your house is wonderful,” he gestured around him, “just like you!” He encouraged you before letting you lead him upstairs. You ran to the bathroom closet then to your room, leaving him in the dark hallway alone for just a moment. He observed the photos on your wall, the paint, the carpet. Why would he judge you for any of this?

You returned with the sleep-wear you promised and a fresh towel.

“You can go ahead and use anything in there. My dad won’t even notice. B-but... if you don’t like his soaps and shampoos let me know. I have quite the skincare and bathing collection!” You were a little proud of that fact, and he smiled at the happiness finally leaking back into your attitude.

“I’m sure it will all be fine. Thank you, Y/N.” He nodded, taking the towel and clothes from you before heading into your father’s room. You turned on your heel, fetching what you needed before taking a shower of your own in the hallway’s smaller bathroom.

You sighed, but not in relief or relaxation, letting the hot water fall over you and loosen your tense muscles. You felt just so...fucked up. Conflicted. Confused. Guilty...love-struck. You didn’t know what to do and felt extremely overwhelmed.

Tonight would be the best opportunity to tell him how you feel: alone, private, cozy and warm, cuddling up together? Yes, that was perfect...but at the same time, if he rejects you, then what? He leaves immediately and has nowhere to go? Or maybe he stays the night to be polite and there’s an awkward silence between you for the rest of your lives...what if he avoids you after school and no longer wants to go to the same university as you?! Your head was spinning.

Why am I such a coward...you thought to yourself, tears mingling with the shower water.

When you finally dried off and got dressed, Korekiyo was already waiting for you in your room, having turned on your electric blanket on your bed and sitting patiently waiting for you underneath it. His hair was damp and his mask was on your night stand. He acknowledged your entrance with a warm grin and patted the bed next to him.

“Why are you in bed? It’s only like five, I was thinking we would go downstairs and cuddle on the couch and eat something-” you approached him slowly and he cut you off.

“Goodness, Y/N, what’s wrong?” He stood to meet you, inches away and towering over you.

“Huh?” He took your chin in his hands and tilted it upwards to meet his dandelion-colored eyes.

“Your eyes are all puffed up. You’ve been crying? Why?” Wow…

“You never miss a thing, huh, Kiyo?” You tried to change the subject or lighten the mood or...anything!

“Only when it comes to you~” he hummed before leading you down the stairs and onto your couch. You dragged along behind him like a child being forced to the dentist. “Now, what’s upsetting you? You can tell me anything, you know that…” his eyes were full of concern and he but his lower lip, apprehensive.

“Kiyo, I- well….it’s just...nothing’s wrong. Let’s go get some snacks. I know you love soup dumplings with white rice~” You smiled weakly.

“First of all, that’s more of a meal than a snack, but anyway, you know you can’t lie to me, Y/N.”

“I just...I just want...this is so hard.” You sighed, voice faltering.

“What’s so hard? Me sleeping over, or your dad being gone? The rain earlier?”

“No no.... I want you here and you know I don’t miss my dad...a-and I feel much better after washing up…” your voice trailed off. He took your hand one final time that night.

And then...

“May I kiss you?” Kiyo spoke so gently, so scared and soft, like he couldn’t even believe his own words. Your eyes widened in shock.

“W-what?!” You pulled away from him, incredulous.

“I want to kiss you, Y/N. Will you allow me?” You paused for a moment, your mind reeling, but then you nodded slowly, your brain taking over and deciding it knew what was best for you.

Korekiyo leaned in, the couch squeaking a bit at the shift of weight. He clasped your chin with one hand, and guided you to him. His lips pressed gently into yours, as if he thought he might break you if he went any further. His lips were plush, surging with warmth, exactly how you’d always imagined them. After pecking you, he pulled back, looking for consent, looking for a sign that you enjoyed that, too. You nodded, getting the hint, and he pressed back onto you, a bit more liberal with his affection this time around.

“Mmm…” you moaned into the kiss as you both tilted your heads at an angle to reach deeper, and his mouth slid open. His tongue trailed against your bottom lip and you opened up without hesitation, your heart going a mile a minute. His tongue massaged yours carefully for a long moment that seemed frozen in time, and then he pulled back. You both sat staring at each other, panting a bit, until a smirk teased across the corner of his lips, and a blush appeared on his normally-concealed face. “H-how...how did you know?”

“I’ve always known…” you felt a wave of embarrassment and shame wash over you. “You’re not good at hiding it.”

“Kiyo...I’m so sorry. I know we are just friends and I shouldn’t feel this way. I just- you are...I can’t stop feeling this way.”

“Y/N...did you think I asked to kiss you out of pity…?” He saw something like realization register in your expression, and he reached out, pulling you into his chest.

“You...you feel the same?”

“Exactly the same.” You didn’t feel so guilty anymore. “And I suppose we both were just too afraid of rejection to say anything. But knowing you, I knew I would have to make the first move if I ever wanted you to myself…” he hugged you tighter with those words.

“Y-yeah, I’m sorry about that...Kiyo, I’m so sorry. I should’ve told you.”

“And I should’ve told you, but there’s no use feeling guilty. We both want this.”

“Kiyo, will you...be my boyfriend…?” You now knew his true feelings, but still felt a lump in your throat. What if he didn’t want a committed, serious relationship right now, or his sister wouldn’t allow it...?

“I want that more than anything.”

You spent the rest of the night cooking soup dumplings, then shoving your faces with the greasiest snacks money could buy and watching documentaries while snuggled into his lap on the couch. He pointed out little facts and trivia along with each documentary, his obsession for culture and anthropology unabashedly taking over.

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crystal-moon-101 · 3 years

Text

Generator Rex - Rewrite!

So I’ve mentioned and drawn things tied to my rewrite of Generator Rex, made between me, my friend and brother. I thought I’d give a basic timeline in what happens in this version through the notes I have, so feel free to read and see what we have to offer. I hope you enjoy what we’ve made, and feel free to ask any questions because I have probably left out many things still. Warning, this does get quite long to read, so you’ll need the time to do that, lol. I am also in the process of writing the Ben 10 Rewrite me and my brother wrote, though that is far longer so it will be a while for it come out, but let me know if you are interested in seeing it! 💙

-History-

Prior-Nanite Event

Violeta, as a child, is adopted by Abuela, raised in the small village/family she looks over.

A young teenager Black Knight, back when she went by her real name Ebony Hale, lived with her single father, who she was close to. Unfortunately, during a break-in gone wrong, he is killed by a burglar. Sadly, not enough evidence was found to convince the suspected murder, despite Ebony’s claims, mostly because of the corrupt and lazy criminal justice system. She is placed into foster care, and starts seeing all the dark sides to the world, due to troubling systems and powerful people, causing Ebony to grow this need for control and dreams of setting the world straight in her own ways.

Van Kleiss is kicked out of his home around when he turns 18, unable to live up to his parents’ expectations, doing what he can to scrape by in life, taking odd jobs and even living out on the streets a few times. He has many failed friendships or relationships of any kind, and starts to distance himself with people because of this.

Ebony jumps around studies, learning things such as law, psychology, basically anything that ties into her goal of making the world what she thinks is best suited for it.

Violeta meets Rafael Salazar during her school studies at university, the two becoming friends and eventually sparking a romantic connection. Violeta is also introduced to Rafael's long time friend Gabriel Rylander.

A young Six is found and taken in by One, and begins his training with the other members.

Van Kleiss is involved in a horrific accident that takes his arm. But during his recovery with a prosthetic, he meets Cassandra who is his physiotherapist, who manages to build a connection with him, the two even eventually falling in love.

Early in their marriage, Rafael and Violeta have their first son, Caesar Salazar. It would be another 13 years before they have their next one, as the family gets busy with travelling due to all the job opportunities they get.

Plans of the nanite project slowly start to become something over time.

Rex Salazar is born during the time the family is staying around Switzerland. A few others like Noah are also born around this time or closely to this year, including Circe from both Van Kleiss and Cassandra.

At the young age of five, Rex and his family are brought onto the nanite project by the suggestion of Rylander.

Van Kleiss’s wife, Cassandra, unfortunately, contracts an untreatable disease and passes away. This is the start of Van Kleiss building up his walls once more, but he tries to ignore his guilt and grief for the sake of himself and his daughter.

After doing his best to hold his life together and finishing up his schooling, Van Kleiss ends up joining the nanite project in honour of his wife. He has many strained relationships with his co-workers due to misguided judgement on both sides, even gaining quite the rivalry with Caesar. However, he and Circe end up befriending Rex, and Van Kleiss somehow ends up babysitting the two quite often.

Meanwhile, a young girl named Emiri (Breach), is adopted into a family, even gaining a younger sister named Mary.

New main nanites are made for the project. The first being the Alpha Nanite, which is the leading nanite that can control them all, used mostly to keep them under control or pass out orders or new updates. The other is the Omega, which can control a selected group of nanites that are nearby, but it is also the key to using the Alpha, as only those who have access to the Omega can have access to the Alpha. The Omega is mostly used for maintenance and testing, perhaps to select out nanites that need fixing or to make the Alpha do something.

Unfortunately, Rex and Circe sneak away at one point when Van Kleiss is distracted, keen to play hide and seek. Rex ends up finding himself in a nanite room with the Omega, and after messing around with his soccer ball, get caught in a lab accident. Heavy damage if done to his body, and the nanites in the room were broken out of containment and were altered by the lab damage in some ways, finding themselves in Rex. When the others finally got him out of the room and into the medical centre, a decision was made to keep the nanites in Rex, and have the Omega help in his recovery, making him the first patient to be using the nanites. He survives but with...unusual side effects, giving him technological powers that let him control tech around him, and even understand and talk to it, including the nanites. This also drives a wedge between the Salazars and Kleiss family, so whatever peaceful grounds were forming them are gone, even if Rex still tries to remain friends with Van Kleiss and Circe.

Eventually, a new member joins as an assistant, Ebony Hale. She mostly takes care of the minor things, and even ends up becoming the new person to watch over Rex, and the two do form a friendly dynamic with each other. However, what the scientists don’t know is that Ebony is really a spy for the Consortium, their main benefactor, as they wanna keep an eye on how the project is going.

Rebecca Holiday, a young and wild college student, learns that her parents died in an accident, and ends up having to take care of her younger sister, while studying. She calms down in her wild ways, and pushes through so much for her sister and herself.

After a while, it is eventually figured out that one, there is a spy among them and they don’t know who, and second, the Consortium actually plan to be in the ones in charge of the nanites, including the Omega and Alpha, as that would give them a lot of control over the world. Given they are greedy rich businessmen. With this learned, the series of events that lead to the nanite event begins to unfold.

Nanite Event

The scientist begins to debate what to do about the project. One section of the team suggests they simply destroy everything to do with the project, deeming it too dangerous for anyone like the Consortium to get their hands on, people like Peter Meechum and Rex’s parents agreeing to this. Another section of the team suggests finding away to remove the Consortium from the plan and get another benefactor, just being careful with the project as there is too much to just throw away, people like Rylander and Van Kleiss agreeing to this. And one other section of the team didn’t really care if the Consortium did get their hands on it, as this was what they were paying to do, Caesar actually being in this group (He was often too absorbed in his work, which made him narrow-sighted unfortunately.). After much debate, it was eventually settled to just end the project.

However, Ebony caught wind of this, and informed the Consortium. Wanting to save the project, they hired arm soldiers to...clean up the members of the project, planning to replace them all with a new team eventually. But Ebony secretly did not agree with this, as she has been doing her best to play both sides, given she had her own plans for the nanite project. Plus, she will admit that she had formed some quite nice relationships with members of the project, so she ended up quietly tipping them off to the up-coming assault anonymously.

The day comes when chaos comes. Some members had already fled, like Rylander and Meechum, who wanted to find their families and vanish. The rest stayed behind to begin destroying all of their work, even Caesar who, while not agreeing with it, helped out in the end. But when armed soldiers started coming in, killing scientists, time was running out fast.

It became apparent they didn’t have time to destroy the Alpha or the Omega, not with the resources they had. So a plan was devised that someone would take the Omega and flee, as without it the Alpha was mostly useless on its own. But the plan ended with giving Rex the Omega, as his connection to tech and the nanites meant he could hide it in him longer than anyone else could, and would head to the docking bay where Caesar would meet up with him to fly out. It was quite a harsh debate, wondering if it was a good idea to put Rex through this, even his parents hated to do this, but they couldn’t risk letting the world being controlled by these people. Van Kleiss and Circe were originally going to accompany Rex to the docking bay, as they had been planning to up and leave too, but a surprise attack from the soldiers caused everyone to split, including Rex with the Omega.

Distressed from everything, Rex finds himself stumbling his way around, unable to focus properly due to everything going on around him, and the effects of the Omega being inside him. He does run into a group of soldiers at one point, but he is let go by them when Ebony appears. The soldiers knew she was the spy and working with them, so when she ordered them to just let the kid by, not knowing what he was hiding, they let Rex go. Ebony supposes she did owe Rex after everything going on…

Van Kleiss and Rex’s parents get into an argument about all that happened, especially with how they involved Rex in everything and how this project went in the end. Van Kleiss leaves the room with his daughter, planning to run, when he is confronted by soldiers, who demand he open the door to where the Salazars were, or else they would kill him and his daughter. Van Kleiss ends up agreeing, despite how hard it was, and ends up letting them kill Rex’s parents as he tries to shelter Circe from everything.

Caesar finds his way to the docking bay where his ship/mobile lab is, but sees no signs of his little brother. He looks around and sees and hears everything the Consortium has done to his home, work, friends and family...It makes him feel guilty and hurt for being so narrow-sighted, for actually thinking it was ok to let these people have control over the times. He wants to go back in to find his family, his brother, but he realises that with everything going on, the lab is about to explode. Due to all the gunfire, violence, scientists messing with machines and computers, and even Rex’s stress affecting the Omega which affects the nanites around him, everything was about to burst. With a heavy heart, Caesar flies off just as the labs explode, creating the nanite event.

Some others managed to escape just before everything went off, including Ebony and some soldiers, but most others don’t survive. However...some were protected by nanites that infected them, as they begin to spread across the globe. Rex also survives thanks to his nanites and the Omega, but all the trauma and stress results in him losing his memories, as he couldn’t handle it, with the nanites wanting to erase it all as a means to ‘help’ Rex cope, in a way…

The mysterious nanite event in history has been marked down….

Post-Nanite Event

The entire world, of course, falls into a panic when people randomly begin turning into monsters after an unknown explosion occurred, the source of the mutations discovered to be tiny machines called nanites. Governments are quick to try and calm the public, and begin starting research on how to stop the nanites and cure those turning into creatures. But fear starts to take control of the world pretty quickly.

Broken from what happened, the small surviving members of the nanite project split off from each other. Peter Meechum returns to family life with his daughter, Rylander tries to confront the Consortium but ends up going on the run from them, having to abandoned his family to keep them safe, and Caesar goes into hiding, in despair over all that he’s lost, believing his parents and Rex to be dead. He isolates himself from the world, working on personal projects to distract himself over the years.

Meanwhile, in Abysus, Van Kleiss discovers his connection to the lands and learns what the nanites are doing to the world. After everything he’s gone through in life, he starts to grow this odd idea that this is the next step in humanity, that it’s time to start fresh and starts his plans on making the entire world creatures like him. Slowly, he builds Abysus into a haven for those who have turned and are still sane, or are sane enough, Abysus turning into this strange yet beautiful overgrown jungle-like place. Circe stands by her father’s side, as he’s all she has left, even if, at times she grows doubtful of who her father is becoming.

Rex, however, wanders out of Abysus sometime after the nanite event, with no memories of what happened. He blacks in and out for the first few weeks, losing his memories over and over again due to the trauma of everything, his body and mind weak but slowly start to recover. But, every time he’s evolved in something highly dangerous he can’t handle, or is close to death, his nanites kick in and take control, kicking him alive until they find somewhere safe to change him back, but this results in him losing his memories again. The Omega, still inside him, slowly begins to evolve and connect with Rex in a deep way that does not notice for a long while, unaware of what’s inside him.

After a few months, Rex somehow finds himself in Hong Kong, first meeting and befriending Tuck. Tuck used to live with his father in an auto shop, but after some bad run-ins with some gangs, his father is killed and Tucks ran out onto the streets, eventually turning EVO. The two of them are picked up by Quarry, who has been making EVO gangs and sees potential in the two, especially Rex. Their team begins to grow when running into ‘Chen Tsui’, who they end up calling Cricket. She uses to be from quite a rich family, that sadly had high expectations for their image, and kicked Cricket out of their home when she turned EVO. Then they run into John Scarecrow, who had quite the sucky life before due to neglectful parents and bullying issues, and eventually ran away from home before turning EVO. Rex and Scarecrow end up butting heads alot. Finally, their last member is Walter Martin, who ends up getting the nickname Skywdd. His parents died when he was very young, and so he was raised by his loving grandmother, even when he turned EVO. However, she passed away one night and while Skywdd called to have the body removed and buried properly, he ran before anyone came as he knew him being EVO would cause problems. The five of them become quite the trouble-making team.

Meanwhile, Emiri’s family undergo many issues when their hometown is invaded by EVOs, the main one being an overgrowth of plants. Sadly, her adopted parents are killed, while she ends up turning EVO, her mind and memory becoming iffy, broken, now having powerful portal powers. She and her adopted sister, Mary, end up fleeing and have to survive on their own, Emiri soon going by the name Breach due to not properly remembering who she once was.

Governments around the world begin to put money towards creating a group called Providence, an anti-EVO force that not only removes and capture dangerous EVOs, but also research on finding a cure. The Consortium become key benefactors towards Providence, with no one knowing their true involvement with the nanites past.

After her sister turns EVO, Holiday convinces them not to kill Beverly by helping and working at Providence, eventually working her way up to become the assistant to their leading scientist Doctor Fell, even if she doesn’t agree to their methods of research.

After some time, Rex starts to drift from his friends in Hong Kong, feeling this longing to be somewhere, to find out who he really is. He tosses around the idea, but after finding some clues that point him in the direction of America, Rex decides to hand over his leadership to Quarry. He hates to leave his friends behind, but due to some emotional manipulation from Quarry and Scarecrow, Rex truly believed it was the best thing for his friends, and that Quarry would protect them. But after he vanishes, Scarecrow pretends to be him for a voice recording, planning to blackmail him if he were to ever return.

The Six’s mostly tried not to get involved with the whole world burning due to the nanite event, but things take a turn when One turns EVO. The group splits, either continuing their mercenary lives, or to find One help. Six ends up joining Providence, after his old friend, Robinson White, convinces him to join the cause, especially when he mentions they’re looking for a cause. Six used to be one who didn’t care much about the life of others, he will admit, but after what happened to one and now actively helping people around the world...he does start to question how this war is affecting people, especially with them killing EVOs who use to be normal people.

While working at Providence, he ends up running into Holiday fairly soon. She catches his interest due to her speaking up about finding another way to look for a cure, even if Dr.Fell and White put her down. Six ends up agreeing with her, to her surprise, and a silent partnership begins to form between the two as they make plans to try something new. They just need something to work in their favour…

Then, one day, they are called to flush out a bunch of EVOs in a ruined city. Things are going normal for them, as normal as they can be, when reports of a mechanical EVO is seen running around, something that looks like a person wearing a parasitic robotic suit. Wild and dangerous. When the EVO shows itself, Holiday and Six are quick to realise that underneath the mutations, there is a young boy. They urge Providence not to attack him, but a twitchy soldier causes a fight to break out and the group is forced to split, with Six guiding Holiday away from the fight. But the two end up running into the strange tech EVO, though after some peaceful gestures, they actually get him to calm down, only for him to turn back into a young boy. Confused of course, they decide to try and take him back to Providence, only for them to learn three things. One, he has no memories beyond knowing his name, second, he is still EVO, and third, he can cure EVOs after saving Six from one.

Holiday and Six decide to keep him a secret for now, not trusting White and Dr.Fell with Rex. They plan to later move him somewhere safe, and for the next few days do their best to hide what Rex is, using the excuse of Holiday looking after him until he can maybe recover some memories.

Rex becomes a bit of a handful, due to his powers sometimes affecting the tech around him, befriending an EVO chimp called Bobo, and even getting scared when learning that Dr.Fell dissects and kills EVOs. However, despite how hard they tried, White does eventually learn what Rex is. White and Fell try to do to Rex what they’ve done to all the other EVOs, but a fight breaks out between them with Six and Holiday. After a brutal fight, it ends with White saving Six, him getting bleached with Nanites, but narrowly saved by Rex.

With the discovery of Rex becoming more open to their benefactors and governments, things change up in Providence. Holiday becomes the new leading scientist, Six becomes Rex’s mentor and partner, Dr.Fell is fired and White becomes the new leader of Providence due to being the one person who can’t turn EVO, now going by the name White Knight.

Meanwhile, the Consortium, knowing Rex’s old ties to the nanite event and where Providence is heading, decide to call in their old Spy, Ebony, to join Providence to keep an eye on things in the background. She agrees, them not knowing that she too is making her own plans when see where Providence is going.

Meanwhile, Abysus has grown to be quite the EVO community, many EVOs seeking refuge with Van Kleiss after he offered them shelter. His main group by his side is called The Pack, which consists of him, Biowulf, Skalamander, Breach and his daughter Circe. And yet, despite how pleased he is seeing his Kingdom grow, seeing the good he has provided for the outcasts like him, he still acts distant, not wanting to build up any more personal connections due to his bad history with them...Circe being the only person close enough to him, and yet even that is cracking.

Found at the age 13, Rex begins to train for the next 3 years in secret from the public eye, becoming Providence’s secret weapon.

-Generator Rex Series-

Season 1

After training for 3 years, Rex ends up introducing himself to the world after a quite large EVO invades a town. Word spreads quickly through the media when learning what Providence has been hiding, and the reception is quite mixed. Some finally glad there is a somewhat cure and help, some terrified for hating the idea of having an EVO help, some thinking this will go down hill quickly, and some merely standing by to see what will happen.

Rex has, unfortunately, become a bit of a rebel, as he is tired for hiding away all the time, curious about teenage life styles and wanting to feel more human. He does, after all, want to learn about his past and who he is. This results in him wandering off after a mission at one point, and running into a boy named Noah Nixon, the two bonding over some basketball, mostly because Noah didn’t know who Rex really was. Not until Six came to pick him up. However, this does cause White to take notice of Noah, seeing how he managed to get Rex to stay still for once, and reaches out an offer to help keep Rex in line, saying Noah will receive payment and help in the war. Noah ends up agreeing.

Word reaches out to Van Kleiss eventually, and he is surprised to learn that Rex is alive. He decides quickly that it would be a good idea to get Rex to join Abysus, as not only is he an EVO like them that suffers from negative gazes and comments from the general public, but also because he would be useful due to his EVO powers, Van Kleiss knowing he has the Omega in him. But there are hints that a part of Van Kleiss may or may not still care about Rex, but he mostly denies this. Other EVOs in Abysus are also eager to have him join, wanting to welcome their new members. So The Pack, minus Circe, does eventually snatch him away and offer him a chance to join Abysus, and Rex does get tempted, especially when Van Kleiss reveals he knows who Rex once was, but turns away when learning that Van Kleiss wishes to turn everyone EVO and fleds. Van Kleiss realises he’s gonna have to start pushing it if he’s going to get Rex to join.

However, a lot of what Van Kleiss and the other EVOs said does get to Rex, who starts butting heads with Providence more, especially after learning that his friend, Noah, was a spy for them all this time. While he and Noah do make up eventually, it’ll take some time before Rex starts to trust Providence again, especially with him and White often arguing at each other. Really, it’s mostly thanks to Six and Holiday that Rex hasn’t up and ditched Providence yet.

Circe does eventually run into Rex again, flabbergasted by the fact her childhood best friend his alive, and does yell at her father for not saying anything sooner. However, he convinces her to not tell Rex anything about the past, telling her they need him on their side and they must do what they can, even if they have to be harsh about it. Still caring for her father, and not having a backbone for herself, she does agree to help with him, often trying to convince Rex to join as she does feel like the world is unfair to EVOs like him, her and the others, but Rex often pulls away from her and instead tries to convince her to leave Abysus, noting that while Van Kleiss may think he’s doing the right thing, he’s clearly pushing everyone away out of fear, including his own daughter.

Rex also develops a secret friendship with Breach, after some mishaps of her kidnapping him, then the two of them saving each other at separate times, and Rex connecting with her when seeing there is more to Breach than a broken person.

Still being a spy unknown to Providence, Ebony starts pulling her strings her own way in secret, even anonymously reaching out to Van Kleiss to be a spy for him, doing her best to play all sides.

Rex runs into his old Hong Kong friends, reconnecting with them and trying to help them deal with Quarry. There is an issue that splits him and the others when Quarry tells them Rex was the one to ditch, along with playing the voice recording. But Rex eventually comes back to help them, while also learning that Scarecrow tried setting him up, mostly because Scarecrow thought it was unfair that Rex gets to forget everything bad he’s done or gone through, and gets to ditch everyone behind to get what he wants. Eventually, Quarry is captured, while Scarecrow runs off, and Rex and his friends reconnecting once more.

Eventually, Rylander is found, still having been running from the Consortium all this time. However, he’s not quite himself, under a lot of stress after what happened, and doesn’t tell much to Rex before he’s killed by mistake during a brief scuffle with Van Kleiss. However, Rex does know that he does have family out there, even a brother.

Eventually, Van Kleiss does strike Providence directly, and manages to swipe many of Rex’s own nanites, that not only improve his powers and keep his nanites stable, no longer dying when out of Abysus, but he also gains the power to turn people EVO. However, something happens to Rex with his small amount of remaining nanites, as if he’s body is under some kind of stress. It’s revealed that the Omega is inside him, and has upgraded his powers to defend him and fill him back up with his nanites, helping him win the day. Though Providence does need to go under some repairs.

Season 2

Rex has become quite well-known by now, his public image not so great due to people’s fears towards EVOs, and people like Hunter Cain causing some uprising. So whenever Rex does hang out with Noah, he wears a ‘civilian’ outfit that Noah, Claire and Annie picked out for him.

Meanwhile, Caesar, who has still been in hiding to this day, finally catches wind that his brother is alive, along with the Omega still being with him (Caesar hadn’t really been paying much attention to the news up until now.). He runs into Providence, finds his brother, and does try to leave, though Rex convinces him to just stay at Providence. Rex is excited to finally have family back and some connection to his past but...his brother wasn’t exactly what he was expecting, as Caesar, as much as his loves his family, does seem to often put his work first without realising it, and is more keen to create something to prove he can do it, rather than how it can benefit people or the consequences of it. But, he does try to connect with his little brother, even if it’s hard for the both of them.

Rex’s EVOs powers start to develop more, in a noticeable way. Not only is he getting new builds, but his connection to nanites and tech become something more, even starting to get strange dreams from the nanites, as if they’re trying to warn him or tell him something. He is mostly use to this way of life, though it is strange for an outsider to see.

With Caesar back, Rex starts to get hints about the past, and not the good parts of it. This mostly comes from Caesar’s one off comments, but he’s mostly keeping things a secret for some reason, while Van Kleiss gives him hints and clues, even stating things for Rex that what happened in the past wasn’t happy, and that Rex’s dreams to have the family he wished for isn’t going to be what he wanted, especially since Caesar struggles with connecting and family life. It seems Caesar doesn’t want to tell Rex much, for fear of them growing more distant if Rex were to learn the truth about how distant and busy their family used to be in the past, especially between the two brothers, and exactly what went down to create the nanite event.

Tired of waiting, Rex does start to call out people like Caesar and Van Kleiss here and there more often than he did before, and even starts snooping at times to find his own answers, but he doesn’t seem to dig up much.

Eventually, things come to a head between Providence and Abysus when Rex finally convinces Breach to leave the Pack, after seeing how harsher Van Kleiss has become, the man getting frustrated that things aren’t working out (Along with secretly trying harder to push away people he starting to get attached too). After a fight, including a point where Breach snaps and her powers go highwire, Rex manages to calm her and eventually Van Kleiss gives up and lets her go, calling her a traitor, becoming more aggressive due to his lack of control, along with parts of him not wanting to let go.

Circe follows soon after, finally unable to take anymore of what her father is doing, leaving her for own sake, even if it’s hard for the both of them. Rex does his best to support her, and eventually takes her to live with the Hong Kong Gang, knowing they can help her and give her a home she deserves.

After losing two key members of his team, Van Kleiss ends up recruiting Scarecrow to join The Pack, using the man’s shapeshifting ability to help him out many times. Van Kleiss is also becoming more desperate to reach his goal, becoming more snappy towards everyone, especially to those who try to reach out. Rex does call him out on this many times, but Van Kleiss just pushes him away in the end.

Eventually, Van Kleiss decides to take proper action, heading to purgatory, where Rex normally offloads his nanites. He activates them and plans to create another nanite event, one that will turn the majority of the world in EVOs this time, given there aren’t enough nanites there to change the entire world, but he was planning to deal with the rest later. The Pack and Abysus members protect him as he begins his plans, and by the time Providence can reach him, he’s already started the meltdown that can’t be stopped. But Rex decides to try something, planning to enter Purgatory and connect with the shield system, going to make it cover the entire building to contain the explosion, and hopefully if his nanites protect him, he will then proceed to shut down every single nanite that is let loss in the shield, even if it takes him weeks, months of even years to do stop, maybe even dying in the process. Of course, everyone tries to change his mind, not wanting to lose him, but they know it might be the only way. Rex does succeed in stopping another nanite event from happening, trapping him, the nanites and Van Kleiss, as he begins to shut down each nanite.

Season 3

Six months end up going by when Rex finally finishes, shutting down the shield with no more wild active nanites that could cause any harm to be set onto the world. He is quickly greeted by Providence soldiers who had been waiting at the sight, taking him and Van Kleiss to Providence. Van Kleiss is taken somewhere else, while Rex is taken to White Knight’s room, learning how long he’s been gone. However, he learns that someone else is in charge now, Ebony Hale, who now goes by Black Knight, who happily greets Rex back to Providence. There she explains that White Knight went rogue, while people like Six and Holiday left after losing Rex, and they don’t know where they’ve gone. Caesar and seemingly Bobo are still around, and Black Knight convinces Rex to take his old job back.

While working at the new Providence, Rex starts to learn a few things, including a little more about the original nanite project. Black Knight even shows him something they found while he was away, the Alpha nanite, which had been damaged during the nanite event, sending out signals that were causing the random mutations. It is in the process of being repaired, but they need the Omega to finally stop the mutation order and fix it completely soon. Something feels off to Rex, and he assumes right when Black Knight and Caesar suddenly turn on him, saying they just want to remove the Omega from him, but Rex doesn’t trust them, knowing something is wrong. A scuffle breaks out, and when Rex is knocked out, he is unknowingly saved by Six and Holiday, learning also that the Bobo at Providence is a fake and spy for them.

Six, Holiday, Bobo and White update Rex on a few things that happened. They explained to him that the Consortium took control of Providence, claiming they failed too many times, putting Black Knight in charge. However, they learn what they’re really after is full control over the Alpha and all nanites in the world, and there are rumors of a project called ‘The Meta Nanites’ going around, though they don’t exactly know what they are. For now, Rex finds that him and his group have to be on the run and in hiding for a while now. He also learns that Providence is now mind controlling EVOs, presenting it as something good to the public, when really it’s something horrible in reality, hunting down any and all EVOs they find.

Rex starts running into old friends and people, learning how things have changed. Circe and the Hong Kong Gang are on the run from Providence. Noah has to be careful as Black Knight knows of his connection towards Rex. Abysus is now run by Biowulf, who still had faith in what Van Kleiss built for them. Members of the old nanite project are being tracked down, along with any blueprints and info that could help fix the Alpha. Breach hopping around the place, helping EVOs get to Abysus where they can be safe from Providence. All a mess really, with Rex being the centre of it all due to him having the Omega.

Tensions are high between Rex and Caesar, as Rex is convinced that Caesar is helping them because he wants too, like in the past where he didn’t really care who had the nanites as long as he got to do the project. Caesar tries to explain things, but is still distance and lying, not telling the whole truth still.

Meanwhile, Van Kleiss refuses to help Black Knight or the Consortium, but after the fight in Abysus, they catch Circe, and use her as leverage to get Van Kleiss to help.

There is a brief time where Providence catches Rex, having Caesar make the Omega talk to them through Rex, planning to remove it from him with simple voice commands. But to everyone’s surprise the Omega has evolved quite a bit since they last saw it, the piece of tech deeply connected to Rex to the point it seems to only follow his command, wishing to protect “The Catalyst”, and is unable to be controlled by any member of the original project, taking control of Rex and helping him escape (With subtle help from both Van Kleiss and Rylander).

The Consortium starts getting more involved personally, much to Black Knight's annoyance, but she still puts on a front to keep playing them and everyone else.

Eventually it is discovered that The Meta Nanite project is really just creating five different Omegas, so that each Consortium member can have one to control the Alpha and all nanites in the world. This is the main reason they keep trying to take the Omega from Rex, in hopes to clone it.

After a partially bad battle, the Consortium and Black Knight eventually confront Rex, pushing him too far physically and emotionally which results in Rex accidently turning them EVO. The Consortium turned into a hybrid monster and Black Knight turning into an EVO that can turn solid and into a liquid form. Narrowly, Rex manages to escape, while Black Knight gets the Consortium under control, ‘promising’ them that they can be cured eventually.

Things reach to a head when the final battle takes place, everyone aiming to get to the Alpha and taking the Omega first. Unfortunately, Black Knight and Consortium’s new forms provide an issue, especially when they also used mind control EVOs. However, Caesar ends up mildly sabotaging them, managing to free half of the EVOs before he is caught by Black Knight. He reveals he’s been playing them, as there was no way he was actually planning on helping the people who killed his family. Black Knight too reveals that she doesn’t want to help them either, instead was helping herself the entire time, and takes control of the operation and throws Caesar away.

Because half of the EVOs were freed, Van Kleiss joins the battle with any members of Abysus around, still wanting to create the EVO paradise they all wish for. This results in the fight being four ways, Abysus’s side, Providence’s side, the Consortium Side, and Black Knight’s side. Rex is caught in the middle of it, but after much growth with his nanites, he allows himself to go full EVO, even at risk of losing all his memories. The fight reaches the point where Rex, Black Knight, Van Kleiss, White Knight and the Consortium reaching the Alpha, all of them realising that Rex has full control of the situation and it’s his choice to make, each leader prompting him to follow their goals. After a long debate, Rex reaches for the Alpha and fixes it, now able to take full command over all nanites in the world. But instead of curing everything, turning everything, or mind controlling everyone, he merely stops the process of any new mutations from happening, though does cure people like Black Knight and the Consortium so they don’t become a problem again. Rex knows that he can’t make a sudden massive decision that will do something bad to the world, even curing it would create unwanted side effects. Instead, he wants to take the time to use the Alpha to cure/fix what needs to be fixed, but in a safe and slow manner. After all, what the nanites did to the world is not going to be an easy fix, and sadly some things are going to stay.

Black Knight and the Consortium are arrested, while Van Kleiss and members of Abysus flee back home, needing to make plans but...maybe willing to listen if Providence wants to make a deal. The Alpha is handed to Providence, with White Knight taking back charge, and begin making plans on how to set the world back to normal, or as normal as it can be, Rex still being the one to hold the Omega and able to control the Alpha.

While not perfect, Caesar and Rex begin to try and patch things up, deciding it might be time to actually start being a family, though with people like Six, Holiday and Bobo also involved (And Six and Holiday would totally be dating at this point).

Rex also reaches out to Van Kleiss, with the help of Circe who wants to reconnect with her dad, and while things aren’t good between any of them, there are hints it could be better in the future.

#God I write too much #But I hope you enjoy what I have to offer #and I will be making more art based around them #Feel free to ask any questions if you have them #Generator Rex #GR #Generator Rex Rewrite #Generator Rex Rex Salazar #rex salazar #Generator Rex Alpha #Generator Rex Omega #generator rex caesar salazar #generator rex van kleiss #Generator Rex Rebecca Holiday #generator rex six

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yconic · 4 years

Text

"Divorce is a special kind of pain. It's like death without a body, " is what they say when two halves of a whole heart separate.

Tony never understood when he was younger, never extended the notion of two people who gifted each other to eternity in union splitting up beyond 'Just not talking for a bit.'

He looked at it from a small perspective belonging to a small person, as if the people in question were just two good friends who couldn't decide on what game to play, hurt each other, and needed space.

His parents had done it more times than he cared to count. The frigid silences and artificial prompt politeness between the socialite power couple Howard and Maria Stark could last for two days, or two months, depending on how deep the issue picked out that time ran.

Tony sat straight as he watched the clock tick away, dutifully counting the hours that would bring Maria closer to home from whichever elicit travel affair she filled her time with while Howard closes himself into his workshop, stewing in anger and bitterness that leak out from the door he's not permitted to trespass.

He learns to measure the gravity of their squabbles, - If it's a small argument, Maria picks Germany, France, or Spain. She sends a letter stating the duration of her stay. She sends Tony well wishes, with a touch of formality for a mother, and her name is elegantly plastered on the bottom in cursive.

When Howard fucks up, she picked China, Britain, or Italy, and she disappeared from the earth until she emerged at her like. Howard is Howard, - the relationship between him and his son was too cold for Tony to tell how his father was like without the disdain gleaming in his eyes, but the liquor cabinet always needed at least a daily refill after a spectacular drama.

He looks back at those moments and realizes, with a shade of pity coated in something more sour, mellow but active, that divorce was never an option for them, the cycle of co-dependency and maintaining legacy had to be kept no matter how demanding that task was.

He can't bring himself to be angry when he feels so bad for them. All that money, and they couldn't buy a second of peace.

It doesn't take long for him to realize his parents don't love each other.

Tony was young, but he was never a child. He was naive, gullible, innocent, - but he was awake. While he didn't clearly understand what love was, he looked at the unhappy frowns on the miserable faces of the pair and thought: 'If that's how love looks like I want no part in it.'

He doesn't love people for more than one night, - A full week if their company was good enough to distract him from the rich golden color of his whiskey that gradually tastes bitter, and more bitter every time. It's not love, he knows, - He keeps that special for his family. But the kind of feeling he has with strangers, with nobody's with a name, resembles what he knows of love too much for him to change meaning.

He won't know how "love" feels like. He refuses to be the caged bird his mother was, to take form in the monster Howard let himself become.

Then, life gives him Steve.

He nests into Tony's life like a storm with skin, hair kissed by sunshine and eyes filled with an ocean that the brunette longs to sink into. He has a boyish charm to him, an old soul that swoops Tony off his feet. It makes him want to slow down, even if he belongs to the future, to activity, to progress. He wants to sit and listen to the stories Steve has, told in a Brooklyn swird that gives character to every word.

Steve looks at him like Rhodey told him all people should look at him. 'Like they can't see the status, or the money, or the power. Like they just see Tony, and nothing more. Because Tony will always be enough. ' Steve looks at him like he hangs the moon for him.

Tony never stood a chance. He looked at Steve, and thinks: "Oh, shit. He's It for me."

He just knows that this one, this Captain, decorated to the teeth, hiding in awkwardness at this petty mingling, social climbing Gala, lowering himself at the bar because he didn't know anybody, was made for him. And if Steve clings to Tony the whole night, he agrees with the parallel drawing out on his part.

He doesn't leave Tony's side, arm snug and comfortable around his middle like they've known each other for longer than time itself, and Tony loves it more than he has the courage to say.

Steve looks at him when the epilogue of the night strikes, too soon for either of their likings. He's tall, broad-shouldered, strong but has the softest eyes in the world. It hurts Tony to arch his neck to stare, but he doesn't want to miss a thing. "I've... I didn't laugh like that since I was in tour. You made my night, Tony."

"It's nothing, -" Because it really is. Considering the sins to his name, the least he can do to atone some mistakes is make as much people as happy as he can. And Happy is a great look on Steve.

He does learn one thing: When Steve says something, it stays how Steve says it. "No, its everything, Tony. I didn't smile once since coming home, " he croaks, like the confession pains him, and Tony aches alongside him. "Everyone is worried about me, saying that, that I seem upset, or sad, or just, never happy anymore, but how else am I supposed to feel?"

"You can't let others tell you how you feel, " Tony soothes, without thinking, a hand softly brushing against Steve's cheek. A frisson zaps through him at the feeling of the soldier's stubble spiking his skin. Steve leans into his touch like it's the most normal thing in the world. Tony's heart grows. "It's not even in your control, so why should it be in theirs? " He understands how Steve feels. More than the world would care to listen.

"Exactly. So, if it's not too much trouble, " his shyness compliments Tony's smitten. "Would you mind making me smile again?"

Tony is, utterly, indubitably, irrevocably, without a shade of doubt, fucked.

He smiles anyway. "You know, soldier, I think I could pull some strings."

---

Their love is like rain in June. It's mellow and distractingly peaceful, makes their worry and everything that ever went wrong scarce away. They can breathe around each other even when they feel like drowning. For once, Tony feels like it'll be okay.

But Life decides to do what it always does when Tony finds something good. It takes, and it takes, until there's nothing.

Steve tells him about Bucky. About the fallen brother that vanished in the mission that stole everything for Steve. "Only one soldier fell off that train, but two died that day, " God, Tony is so worried when Steve talks like that. "It should've been me. I wanted it to be me."

Tony listens and he pictures Rhodey falling. Steve loved Bucky in ways he couldn't even hope to understand.

It turns out, Death is not something so permanent after all.

It's a lovely night for them when Steve gets that call. He's wrapped around Tony and holds him in his arms as if he'd rather go to war again than let him go and Tony's heart never beat so loud for anyone. He would have never let Steve answer if he knew that phone call was the beginning of their end.

Bucky's alive again, is reborn from snow and war and ashes. Broken, but alive. Held captive by terrorists and is unmade, undid, but still alive. Everything around Steve is lost after that.

Tong gives him space and resources, help, support, he gives everything to Steve like on their wedding day. He gives him his care and gentle hands and soft words and love with a heartbeat. And Steve is just... Too preoccupied looking at Bucky to notice. Tony feels like a selfish bastard for wanting his soldier to look at HIM instead of coddling his friend at every moment notice.

He wants Steve to stop suffocating Bucky when he already looks like he's just inhaling instead of breathing.

He wants his husband back.

That's why he deserves what's coming to him. That's his punishment.

They drift apart slowly, as most terrible pains start.

Steve starts spending more and more time around the mental help facility Bucky asked to be enlisted into after his hasty return that had everyone clutching at their pearls. He wants to do it alone, Tony figures easily, starves for a journey he wants to walk himself, for the kind of autonomy only a man who lost it for too long craves.

His bitterness aside, Tony marvels at how similar they are. Maybe In another life, he and Barnes would've made a handsome pair of kindred souls.

Steve doesn't agree. He looks sickened, struck even, at Tony for having the Gall to suggest maybe Barnes would be more responsive if he talked with someone who had mirroring experiences. "God, Tony, you don't... You're not a soldier. You're just a man. You've been through pain, sure, but not like Bucky. No one went through what he did. I'm honestly speechless you ever thought you could compare."

Steve says that, it's why it hurts so bad. The man who swore he'd walk back into the hellfire of war just to find the people who hurt Tony and tear them apart.

The man who couldn't be moved by anything. No nightmare, no night terror, no panic attack, no argument. Nothing convinced Steve to leave. He stayed through it all.

The man who cried relentlessly when Rhodey walked Tony down the alter because 'He couldn't believe how lucky he was to marry someone so beautiful.'

The man who hasn't written Tony a love letter every morning like he used to do in over a year.

The man who spent more time sleeping in hospital rooms than in their bed.

The man who used to not go even one day without saying "I love you". Tony can't even remember the last time this sentence was spoken between them unless he said it first.

The man who agreed to couple therapy, then acted like it rained the next day.

Tony would will himself to shove this under the rug. To put a blind eye to it, to make it work, to ignore Rhodey's disapproval and Pepper's warm worry, to push away the pain blossoming in his chest, threatening to overspill.

But this man adopted a child with him.

---

"That one" Steve points to a small boy, thin but sturdy-looking even in the hand me downs from the orphanage, short limbs supporting a mess of brown hair that looks impossibly soft. His eyes are big and kind. Tony wants to take him home and feed him. "That one's ours."

His name is Peter, and he got into a fight with older kids when they wanted to stomp on ladybugs. He pushes back, but not unkindly. He's no bully. Instead, he takes the time to teach them why disrespecting and hurting nature is wrong, then takes their hands into his own, playing with the tiny creatures for hours.

Tony falls in love immediately. "Let's bring him home, Cap."

---

He can't do it. Tony can't look into Peter's adoring eyes, wide and brown that feel more like a mirror than anything, and see the fear he had for Howard, or the sadness for Maria. Tony can't handle looking at the love of his life and see another him.

Steve is Peter's role model. His knight in shining armor, his protector, everywhere he goes he sings praise to anyone who cares to listen. About his fearless father, his heroic antics that seem so tall for him. "My daddy's a superhero!" Tony doesn't have the heart to take that away.

And Tony loves Steve too much to see him become Howard.

So when Steve misses their son's 5th birthday party because he had more pressing business in D.C, Tony realizes bitterly, there's no saving this. People labeled him as a mechanic, a futurist, but he feels unworthy of both when he couldn't fix or foresee this.

There's no coming back from this.

Natasha doesn't voice it, but she doesn't need to. She tucks her phone away after a third failed attempt to coax, threaten, and guilt Steve into joining them, with muted movements, and Tony can tell she agrees.

Tony's grin is too wide when he looks down at Peter when he drags him off to paint his face, unaware of his father's turmoil. He laughs. He smiles. He celebrates. He has a nice day with his family.

He pulls Pepper aside and asks her to prepare his lawyers in the same breath.

This is why Tony knew love wasn't made for him.

---

Tony's always been good at hurting himself. The more pain he inflicts on himself, the less it'll hurt when someone else does it. So he unpacks the stash of letters he kept locked away in a seif, because they're prized to him, more than any sleek car or company, and reads them before he burns the bridge.

They feel like warm kisses and goodbyes.

'Left for a grocery jog, ran out of coffee. It's supposed to be cold, so don't you even think about leaving the house without a jacket! I'll know. Take care of yourself, even when I'm not there. '

' I love waking up next to you every morning. I love how you hide from the sun in my chest. I love how grumpy you are when Pepper calls for updates and all you do is cuddle me and whine. I love your messy bed hair and how you fall asleep in the shower.

'I never cared for jewelry before but seeing my ring around your finger never gets old. I still can't believe you said yes, but I'm glad you did. You deserve more, but you settled for someone like me. I can't believe it when you say no one would want you forever, I hate that someone made you think like that, that they let you go, but their biggest mistake is my biggest win. Jokes on them.'

'I can't imagine my life without you. Its all radio silence and broken static. Like an artist with a blank canvas and grey paint. You're the best damn thing that ever happened to me, and the fact that I have you means there really is someone up there looking our for me. I'm never letting you go. I love you, I love you, I love you, '

Tony stains the paper with tears as he listens to the song of heartbreak in his chest.

---

"Nat, " Tony pleads, choosing not to look at the tremor in his hands as he neats the papers he wants to see burn. "There's no need for that, come on. You know I love you, but I'm a big boy. I don't need you to hold my hand for this."

Natasha shrugs. "Indulge me."

"He wouldn't do anything to me."

"I thought there were lots of things he wouldn't do. Like stop loving you, for one, " she doesn't mean to be a jab, but Tony strokes his right arm and lets the hurt wash off. He sometimes forgets how blunt and terrifying Pepper's wife is capable of being. "Being paranoid is worth being safe."

They find Steve in the kitchen, sitting stiff and unfamiliar as if he didn't design the place himself. Tony swallows down the pressure in his throat and forces his eyes to stay dry. He wants to rest his hands on Steve's shoulders and pepper the lines of laughter on his flushed face with kisses.

But they're behind that now.

Steve raises his eyes to look at him. He's tired, run-down, missing the spark Tony marked as one of his favorite traits of the blonde. The life wasted from them, telling Tony that he's surviving, but not living.

Tony looks at him back and his eyes say, 'Me too.'

Steve's mouth twists into an imitation of a smile, tries his luck at mimicking something of the reassurance and ease variety, to hide his emotions with a mask of cracked peace Tony undressed a million times, just as Steve undressed his. He's always been good at reading the man. Or, was.

Steve's eyes fall on the documents Tony's holding with his naked hands, no ring in sight, and Tony watches something die in him.

The room drowns in silence for a while.

Natasha stands as a loyal shadow at his side, silent but sharp, hands folded in front of her crotch like a guard dog waiting to pounce. There's a forced calm into her breathing that puts him even more on edge.

Papers brush smoothly above the marble surface, ear piercing to him. Red hot blazing into white noise. It's the most terrible sound he's ever heard. He prefers his breathless, agonized screams in Afghanistan to this.

Steve recoils away, standing up suddenly and shakily, as if the documents are bombs about to kill him anytime now.

He turns his head, refusing to look at them. Refuses to accept they're real.

"Throw those away, Tony, " he says, voice edged with the kind of suffering that would bring Tony to his knees on other circumstances."Get them the hell away from me and never bring them up again, you hear me? I'm serious.''

Carefully, Natasha chimes in, tone mild and neutral. " Steve. Tony would like to speak with you about something, alright? Let's sit down, and talk like grown-ups, -"

"Where's your ring!?" Steve shouts, tiptoeing at the border of desperate and hysteric. Tony wants back into the cave, wants the water to take him away from all of this. It's hard to kill something that's already dead. "What did you do with it!? Why aren't you wearing it!? You PROMISED me, you promised you'd never take it off you JERK, you lying -"

"And you promised to love me until the day we die, but by the looks of it we both could use a lesson in honesty, " Tony cuts icily, colder than colder. His words are resigned, hollow, at the brim of mechanical. He thinks all the people who say Starks are more machine than men had a point. "I'm the fuck up in this relationship. What's your excuse?"

He thought he'd feel vindication watching Steve taste a fraction of his sorrow, that his destroyed look would make something in Tony retaliate. It does nothing. Tony loves him stronger, fiercer, and there's no win here for anyone.

His mouth tastes like ashes.

He just wants to stop, to sink in his bed and swim in ratty hoodies drenched in cheap but sweet cologne, smudged with paint of all shades, and feel Steve's arms shield him from the world.

He wonders if it'll keep Steve up at night, how it never occurred to him that the danger he wanted to defend Tony from might have his face.

"I'll do better. Tony please," Steve begs him, and Tony wonders if the situation is so low a man with his nature would resort to that. He's shaken by big hands engulfing his own for exactly a moment before Natasha intervenes, pushing the blonde away with a hint of regret. Steve recovers, looks right through her at Tony who wants to wipe his tears away. "I'll do better, I'll- I'll spend less time with Bucky if you want, -"

"Bucky isn't the problem. It's not about HIM, it was never about him, this is US, Steve. We, our marriage, our family, its been here longer than Bucky. I never wanted you to - to erase him from your life, I just wanted my husband. Peter wanted his daddy. Bucky could've been apart of that, but you just, you just pushed us aside,-"

"I won't do that anymore. I, - Do you want me to be at home more often? I can, sweetheart, I can do that no problem. I can be at home, I can make time for dates and-and for activities, I can take Peter to the park and play ball, - Do you remember that? How we used to play until he fell asleep? I don't mind, its no problem, -"

Something in Tony snaps.

"WE'RE NOT YOUR FUCKING CHORES," His voice is more roar than man, ragged, tight, pushed to the last limit. The garden of silent pain, fury, rage, and fear he's been harboring finally blossomed into something that seemed to shake the world. His body shudders. "We're not some,- some pestering tasks that you have to save your precious time to complete! Some fucking pets other people have to force you to care of, or some dirty laundry you decide to wear whenever you feel like washing! We're your damn FAMILY,- " A sob hitches his anger, and by the broken look on Steve's face, it's worse than any rage.

He narrows his eyes in disbelief, as if Steve was some stranger and not someone he gave years of his life to. A laugh is pushed out of his chest, choked, long, and terrible. "I would've ended this sooner if, - God, if I knew how much of a burden we became for you."

"Tony, Tony don't say that, " Steve's face is blotched red, painted in punishing torment. "I love you and Peter more than anything in this life. You're mine, both of you, how can you think I don't love you? I, -"

"Just love Bucky more, " Tony finishes, note flat, accepting, rehearsed. His voice feels as hollow as his chest when Steve flinches. "I'm just... I'm so tired. Steve,I'm tired, and- I can't do it anymore. My son, my baby is not going to be a burden on anybody. I can put up with a lot of shit, but Peter is my limit. I can't and I won't put anyone above him. Not even you."

Horror shines bright and clear on the blue eyes Tony loves so much. He spots Steve's finger tremble at his sides, notices the hesitant movement of his Addams apple.

Natasha was wrong. It's a rare occurrence, but it happened.

Steve never stopped loving him.

It makes signing the papers so much harder.

---

Steve lost Bucky to ice, snow, and time. Tony loses Steve to fire, anger, and distance.

---

Pepper is surprised when she hears Steve ended up signing willingly.

She doesn't want to ruin the calm air that finally settled over the emotion packed atmosphere surrounding the living room, currently stashed with carton boxes filled with Steve's stuff, ready to be delivered tomorrow as Tony wanted, but it's a needed talk.

"What did you say to convince him?" She asks, not demanding an answer but clearly expecting one. "I'd just assume Nat had him in an arm lock until he agreed, but, in all honesty, Steve would probably lose an arm than do what people tell him to. Seriously, I've seen anarchists with more respect for authority than this guy."

Tony laughs, too loving and too fond for this predicament. "I said you'd drag his ass through every courtroom in America and drain him of everything he's worth?"

"Mmm. Try again. I mean, that's a Sunday for me, but he's already heard that talk before." Giggles are shared between the pair on the couch, snuggled under fuzzy blankets with wine glasses that clink slightly. Pepper's face relaxes into something sympathetic, earnest. "Was it something Peter related?"

"No, " he shakes his head. It never crossed his mind once, no matter how hurt he was. It felt too much like what his father would do. " Peter is his son, too. No matter what happens between us. There's no changing that. "

"No one would blame you if it came down to that, you know that, right?"

He hums. Pepper waits.

"I asked him to let me say goodbye to my husband instead of forcing me to stay with Howard."

A sharp intake of breath settles something cold beneath Tony's skin. He closes his eyes, and accepts the wine Pepper pours in his cup, neither commenting on how it spills over the rim.

---

Talking to Peter is the hardest part.

He doesn't understand why suddenly there's only two people there instead of three, why he isn't woken up by two pairs of arms tickling him and kissing his sleepy eyelids every morning, why Tony's laughter isn't echoing through the house as Steve spins and twists him around in the living room dance session they had at least once a week.

Why, apparently, Steve now has a permanent residence in DC and can only see him twice a week as their legal agreement states.

Why he has to live in two different places and split his playtime.

Why Tony bought a new apartment and they had to move away, stretching the distance between them and Steve.

"Is Papa comin' home today?" A hand squeezes Tony's heart painfully tight at the small question. He looks down at his son, smaller than usual and playing with his fingers at his feet. His frail shoulder raise, housing an anxious breath as he awaits an answer.

Tony takes his tiny hand in his own, leaning down to press kisses on the back of his son's palm, apology on his lips. "Yeah, baby. He has to come and pick up his stuff. Maybe you can play a little when he arrives! I'm sure he'll be happy to see you. "

Steve sends Sam to pick up his things and Tony feels guilt bite at him for hissing 'coward' in his mind.

Peter is excited to see his uncle Sam but the disappointment when he hears a truck coming instead of the deep rumble of a motorcycle engine doesn't wash off. He soldiers on, smiles for Sam because as little as he is, he's careful with people and their emotions. His goodness is organic. He takes after Steve like that.

Sam's always been frustratingly talented at deciphering his thoughts, even when his face is emotionless. It's one of the many reasons why Tony thinks him and Rhodey match so well. "He said he's really sorry he couldn't come, but... Okay, his excuse is just sad, because I doubt you'd believe he'd rather attend a Zoomba class than see you and Peter. Truth is, he's scared."

"Of facing me?"

"Of hurting you."

"Yeah, well, he's already got that job done on the to do list, " Tony huffs, petty and aware. He tosses Peter his baseball that lands in the backyard, gently nudging him away from the conversation. They watch the ball of energy squeal in delight as he runs to fetch it, tension momentarily on hold. "Sorry. You don't need my shit. Let's just load this and be done with it."

Sam huffs. "Man, I've been involved with your shit for a while. Appreciate the feeling but it's a bit late for that. Trust me, me and Rhodey have in length discussions about it. I'm neck-deep in white boy drama, but well, sacrifices of the job. Not much you can do."

He's playful, Tony knows this, in the corner of his brain that isn't raided by anxiety, yet fear claws at him, sharp and cruel and unexpected. Coldness spreads inside him like wildfire, almost matching the thoughts racing in his mind. Sam and Rhodey were talking? Were they arguing? Had Tony harmed Rhodey's relationship as if he didn't wreck his own enough?

"Talk?" Tony rasps, pushes the words out of his constricted throat that seems to close more and more, synchronizing with his lungs. Sam's wide, concerned eyes tells him the surface looked as bad as the inside."You... You and Rhodey, you guys- Bad talk? You, you fought about it?"

His mind torments him by showcasing Rhodey yelling in Sam's face and Sam yelling back, both standing their ground like two soldiers on a mission and defending their friends like avenging angels. Rhodey is more brother than friend, he'd take his side, like the devoted friend he always proved himself to be, but he watches with a cut breath as Rhodey locks himself in his room and weeps.

Rhodey sharing his fate is Tony's own horror movie.

"...ony! Tony, deep breaths, come on, " gentle hands guide him away from the void his own psyche trapped him into, speaking in a low voice that plucks him back up little by little. "Come on, in and out. Focus on my voice, that's good. Listen to me, Rhodey and I did not and will not fight about this. We're fine, Tony, promise! We agreed, no side pickers. This isn't war, and we won't get into some life or death fight for your and/or Steve's honor, " he tries for a little grin. ''I mean, I'm not supposed to tell you, but we don't like you guys that much."

Tony laughs, at once, a pathetically small sound, but he's grounded enough to laugh. He basks in the lack of sound around them, like the silence of an after battle, suffocating, but free.

The quiet hangs in the air as they load the truck, too, not oppressing, but welcomed, with a touch of comfort that burns just right. When the last box is secured and road-ready, him and Sam stay just a bit on the porch to stare at the house. Because that's what it is, isn't?

'Is papa comin' home?'

There is no home. Not if Steve's missing.

"Steve said you can keep those, if you want," that sentence made Tony hunch his shoulders, releasing that bitter aftertaste in his mouth again, blending with something sweet, and igniting the warmth that pierced as deep as his very marrow. "Nothing he loves or wants back is in those boxes."

Yes, Tony wants to scream. I want to keep the sketchbooks he has for me. I want to keep the photo albums. I want to keep the paint, the charcoal, the brushes. I want to keep the stuffed animals he won me at the fairs. I want to keep his clothes. I want to keep the dances in the living room. I want to keep his love, attention, care, worry, sadness, anger, grief. I want to keep my husband.

Instead, Tony reaches for his back pocket, and squeezes his ring. It burns in his palm, almost begging him to put it back in it's place, or on his finger, where it fitted like it always belonged. His being feels it, as if connected, and he decides to even the odds in the cowardice department.

Sam holds his breath as Tony hands him the ring, with hesitance, with no indication he wants to. "You sure about this?" It's a careful question, painfully gentle, far softer than Tony deserves.

No. Not by a long shot. "Yeah, " he mutters, almost lost in the air. "It's not mine anymore."

Sam curls his hand around the ring, pockets it, and Tony wrestles with the urge to ask for it back. His eyes are trained to the floor, on his shoes, the fine leather ones Steve bought for him on their anniversary, he realizes.

He watches droplets of water splash and dissolve into the concrete. It's raining, he figures, he should take Peter inside or he'll catch a cold. He looks up to watch the dark clouds, and the senine blue above mocks him.

"It's okay, " Rhodey picked a good one, Tony thinks, as Sam covers his crying form away from Peter's eyes. "It's okay, Tony. Just... Let it out. You earned this."

"I tried, " he sobs in Sam's neck, sobs his demise his failure, his bottled cocktail of emotions that waited to implode. "I tried, Sam, I tried so hard, I swear I did."

"We know you did, Tony. We all know."

---

Peter wants to meet Bucky one day.

"Papa used to talk about him all the time, " He says, oblivious to how vexed Tony is hearing that. He apprehends himself, reproaching that he should be over it already. "He sounds pretty cool! I want to see his Terminator arm!"

"It's a Tin Man or Robocop arm, at best, " He smirks at the pout Peter throws his way, smoothing it out with his thumb. "And he's in a hospital. You and I hate hospitals, remember?"

Peter whines and makes his eyes larger, pitifully glassy and sad, just the way to wrap Tony around his little finger. "Daddyyyy, pleeeease!" He hooks his fingers around his arm, hugging it close to his chest and his lower lip trembles.

He imagines Steve behind him, smothering a laugh in his shoulder, egging Peter on like two conspirational buddies. He melts, pushing the rush of yearning back, and knows it's a battle lost. Peter is too lovable, too determined, too bright eyed.

He's morbidly curious, in a way, to see what was so special about Bucky that it made Steve want to trade that.

---

Bucky and Peter hit it off in a heartbeat.

The facility hosting Bucky is uncomfortably pristine, from door corner to ceiling. Everything is tailored and arranged with ridiculous precision, clinical, professional, boring, and detached, as most medical spaces are. His workshop dances circles around it in the personality field, and he tells Bucky as such.

He laughs at him. "That's an interesting way to say you're a chronic untidy mess."

'Chronic untidy hot mess, " Tony corrects, hating how easily he falls into conversation with him. He tells himself it's merely a distraction from the stomach twisting smell of medicine, stingy and sharp smothering the air. "How offensive. I demand a trial by combat. Peter, make him pay in blood!"

Peter turns to Bucky, unblinking. "Your hair's greasy."

A theatrical gasps spreads in the room from the blue eyed brunette. Tony beams, kissing Peter's cheek. "That's my boy. I'm sure Bucky's bleeding a lot on the inside."

"Yeah. You know, where blood usually is, " Bucky snarks, heatless, propping Peter off from the spot on his leg and putting him on the ground . "Why don't you go ask nurse Joy to give you some magnets for the arm? Your father and I gotta talk adult business."

"Uncle Clint says adult business is just gossip for grown ups. " Peter retorts, smirk on his lips, half raising on the edges of his mouth. He got the smugness from him, that much Tony will admit. Bucky huffs a laugh that mirror Tony's own and waits for Peter to be out of the hearing range to say his next words.

"I owe you an apology."

Tony blinks, hastily, and speaks before he can even register what he's saying. "No, you don't. Drop it." It comes off razor sharp, yet Bucky must be used to worse, because he doesn't falter.

"I ruined your marriage. There's no forgiving that, but I DO regret it and you'll damn well listen to what I have to say."

"Look, I appreciate it. I do. I'm not... Mad at you. You're just in the crossfire of this clusterfuck. There's no forgiving because there's nothing to forgive, " he murmurs under his breath, words quiet, but sincere, he realizes. "My failure is my own to carry. "

"Stark, relationships need more than one person. Stevie ain't exactly blameless in this whole thing, - Far from it, trust me, I let him know. He got the scolding of the damn lifetime, because he threw away a damn good thing. He made a home for himself and then demolished it. You didn't hand him the sledgehammer, he picked it up on his own dumb self."

"You know, your philosophy lesson would impact me better with wizard lingo. Throw in a riddle or a prophecy and I might bite. " Receiving a blank stare to his quip, Tony sighed, eyes downcast.

"Look. I called it off, alright? I lit up the matches, I burned down the bridge, and I watched it turn to ash. But it was meant to happen, one way or another. We were just too different. Guys like me break the world apart. Men like Steve put it back together. He'll move forward. Like he always does."

Bucky's reply is instant. "No, no he won't, " it's said with such conviction, with such a finality, that it has Tony freezing. "He'll never move on. Not from this. I've never seen him like that for anybody, hell, never seen ANYONE like that. You and him? That's a forever kind of deal. You don't need a ring and name change for that to last. You don't have a choice."

Tony swallows, slowly, unsure. "So what? We just keep path crossing like fate has us tied together, in each other 's range but standing on parallel lines, never meant to cross? This isn't a fairytale, Barnes. It's real life. And even if it wasn't, that's still far from fair."

"It is real life. Which means it ain't fair, Stark. "

Tony takes Peter home, cuddles him closely as if he might disappear, and eyes the empty area around the right side of the bed with a lonely glint that burns in the darkness.

---

The first time Tony meets Steve after the divorce, it's for Natasha's birthday party.

Time jumps from slow to fast, alters between stagnation and overwhelming in the first 6 months that pass after the finalization of their parting. Some days are agonizingly slow. As if the world wants him to stomach every second, consume every minute, where Steve is not with him, isn't his anymore, and choke on the pain that tastes just as sharply as the first time.

And in some, time goes by in blink record, not keen on giving Tony the courtesy of healing, of moving on, of according him the patience or kindness in adapting his feelings to his pace, to accommodate to the arrangement it dragged him in.

Concern crawls inside him regardless of how many times he buries it, makes a tangly nest right in his chest, and makes no effort to move. He doesn't blame Steve for not wanting to meet him, to look at him, to give him the chance of staring into the bright, baby blue eyes that hold everything beautiful in the world.

Tony's seen the wonders of the world, all 8 them, and they all pale put next to Steve.

He feels seething, scalding guilt showering him for thinking that. Because Steve is not his to worry over, not his to call wonderful, not his to care for. Not anymore. He repeats that like a mantra against his eardrum when Natasha asks him if it's fine if she invites him to her party, too.

It's the perfect excuse to see how he's doing, but Tony elects to ignore that and remind Natasha grown-ass people don't ask other grown-ass people for permission on what to do. "Do I look like Pepper to you? No? Then why would I order you around?"

A discreet smile reaches Natasha's features, exhibiting confidence but betraying relief. She loves them both, Tony knows, and wants her friends first, not the fallen lovers. "Just wanted to know if I should hide the sharp knives or prepare some spare sheets."

His face heats ferociously, climbing all the way to the tips of his ears, and all the embarrassment in the world is worth listening to Natasha laugh. Something sharp-edged inside of him brittles at the prospect of seeing Steve, thought, and he holds his tongue from saying something of that nature won't happen.

In the company of his solitude and shame, Tony wonders later, is he afraid of seeing Steve again because he fears the blonde is not doing okay, or because he is?

Later on, he sees Steve stand in flash before him, chatting with some faceless figures, hair longer than last time and flattened slightly at the nape, sporting a beard that framed his gorgeous face perfectly. The impeccable balance between scruffy and well-groomed. Tony itched to run his fingers against it.

"It's the divorce beard, " Clint muses, elbow jolting Tony in the side to show the humor. "Give him a few more weeks, and you'll see him shopping from the Hobo shop. All wrinkled shirts and ketchup stained clothes or something. Men are useless without their wives.'' He winks in Tony's way, but Tony is too entranced by Steve to acknowledge it.

His fists are bruised, Tony notes with a wince as he gets drunk on Steve's form with a studious gaze, creamy skin battered and laced in a cluster of dark purple, crimson, and small patches of yellow shaping his knucklebones.

A trail of question rests blistering on his tongue. 'What happened? Who did that? Who were you fighting? Why? Are you okay? Did you win?' But he closes his eyes and bites his tongue, knowing these questions don't belong to him anymore.

He gave up his rights to that.

But then, Tony spots them.

His breath is knocked out of his lungs in a silent punch, eardrums pushing out all the sound attempting to penetrate his ears. His fingers loosen so much they almost drop his water, feeling tingly numb. Tony's eyes, large and surprised, trace the circle of gold curled around Steve's fourth finger, gleaming softly against the artificial light around the dining room.

Steve is still wearing his ring.

But then, his chest burns and booms, heart roars fiercely behind his ribcage as he notices the thin string of black leather circling around Steve's neck, loose as a necklace, hanging low enough for Tony to eye the shape of metal halo looped right in the middle of the material.

Steve was wearing Tony's ring, too.

The realization left him petrified in place, more statue than man, in stunned shock as he bore into his former lover who only then noticed the brown eyes looking at him, transparent astonishment clear as crystal in his features.

It's like a spell breaks.

Tony's limbs move mechanically, on autopilot, running to the nearest room, getting himself away from what his body detects as danger. Urgency is packed on his step, taking him to the bathroom in record time, but Steve's always been the runner, more athletic between them, and his sprinting lands him a spot in the sleat Tony wass about to slam.

He's pinned to a wall effective immediately, feels cold tiles plant clammy kisses on the back of his head and neck. Tony almost hisses at the force of the slam, but before he can make a peep, his lips are stolen in a savage, fierce kiss.

It's pure desperation conveyed in the most unconventional way. Steve pounces on him, lips wild against Tony's own, pouring every emotion he went through in the past few months,- Longing, yearning, craving, hunger, desire, - his being, his love, his soul into that kiss, barely giving Tony the chance to breathe.

"St-Steve, " He gasps, head tilting slightly to the side to escape the ministrations, to gulp air, moving to avoid the chase at reconnection Steve is playing at by trying to capture his lips again. "Wait, wait a minute, -"

"Missed you, " Steve's voice is thick with want, hitching in the small puffs of air that came off raggedy and breathless, words melting over Tony's mouth. Steve's face glows with a blush he wants to kiss with inhuman greed. "I missed you, I missed you,Tony I missed you" Tony's fucked.

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animebw · 3 years

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Reading One Piece: Chapters 77-79

And just when I start thinking Sanji’s backstory was awesome, Nami’s backstory comes along and blows it out of the park. Holy mother of god, that was amazing.

So, Nami and Nojiko were both war orphans adopted by Belle-Mere, a fighting sailor who found them on the battlefield one day. They lived a hard, poor life, barely scraping by at times. Nami had to steal books from the bookstore to read them, because she knew Belle-Mere didn’t have enough money to spare on that stuff. On the surface, she was a happy rapscallion who dreamed of charting a map of the entire world. But inside, shame and guilt dueled inside her. Shame at being part of a family she wasn’t even blood-related to, having to wear old hand-me-downs. Guilt at thinking Belle-Mere would be better off alone, without having to waste precious time and money on two unrelated kids. And that bottled-up tension escalated until it exploded into an argument that even Belle-Mere couldn’t keep her cool in.

What I love about this family dynamic is how real it feels. They aren’t a perfect family that never has any problems, but they’re not a broken family that does nothing but hate each other. Their relationships are complicated and loving and confused and strong all at the same time. Nami cares for them but she also wants to pull away from them. Belle-Mere is devoted to them but still blows up with anger at them. Nami’s “I wish I’d been found by a rich family!” springs from her guilt and shame alike, and it fucking sucker-punched me. In just one short chapter, I’d already grown to care for them so much.

And that’s when the fishmen show up and things go straight to hell. Even badass Belle-Mere, who gets the first drop on them in epic fashion, isn’t nearly strong enough to stand against Arlong and his crew. They steamroll in demanding payment, and Belle-Mere doesn’t have enough to cover both her and her kids. The only choice is for her to pretend she’s the only member of her family and send the kids away, never to return... except instead, she tells them the truth, and uses up her meager cash to save Nami and Nojiko at the cost of her own life. Because even if they’re not related by blood, they’re as much her daughters as if she gave birth to them. And losing that family would be a pain worse than death. So Nami’s forced to watch as the mother she wished she didn’t have dies for her sake, her last words a reiteration of how much she loves them.

That. Is. Fucking. Powerful. And Oda’s art has never been better at selling it. The vicious wounds the fishmen inflict on the inhabitants of Coco village, the bloodshed, the brutality... it’s genuinely terrifying in a way One Piece hasn’t been up until this point. And poor Nami, seeing only one way out, makes a devil’s bargain and becomes a member of Arlong’s crew to stop her neighbors from killing themselves trying to save her. As long as she keeps making them maps as a member of the team, she can eventually earn enough cash to buy her village back from them. After all, her mother’s life and death taught her how helpless you are if you don’t have the money to protect yourself. Belle-Mere tried to live a decent life with meager means, and it got her killed. The only solution Nami can see is to throw everything away and debase herself until she’s finally rich enough to buy her way out of her misery. And if she has to shut everyone else out to do it? Well, Belle-Mere’s love for her is what led to her death in the first place. She’ll be strong enough to do this on her own, never asking for help from anyone, taking her mother’s lessons and growing up to be as brave as he was. That’s the only way she can avoid getting anyone else she cares about killed.

Just... wow. Wow, wow, wow. This was an absolute rollercoaster of emotions. I was hooked from start to finish, and I even came close to tearing up a couple times. You all weren’t kidding about how good Nami’s arc was; we haven’t even gotten to the big battle, and this is already far and away the best One Piece has ever been. This is just damn good storytelling, and if it only gets better from here, then I’m excited as hell for what’s to come.

#anime #the anime binge-watcher #tabw #one piece #one piece manga #luffy #monkey d luffy #zoro #zoro roronoa #nami #usopp #sanji

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spatort · 3 years

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I’m at my parents’ house and I have too much time on my hands apparently, so it’s time for a trip down memory lane! More specifically, a trip into the weird world of 1990s for-profit teen idol RPF, such as this beauty:

No, I did not find this at my parents’ house, I bought it second-hand specifically in order to make this post because I’m a person who enjoys studying fan culture in her free time. So, if you’re wondering what the hell the monstrosity pictured above is, and why it exists, don’t worry, I’m about to answer that question extensively.

LONG (AND HOPEFULLY FUN & INTERESTING) POST UNDER THE CUT

Let’s start with a bit of history: In the pre-internet era, fan culture differed from today in a few key regards. Although fanfiction existed, without the internet it was much harder for fans to share their stories with each other. Large fandoms such as Star Trek did have fanzines where fanfic could be printed, but all in all it was a much more niche thing than it is today with millions of fics accessible on AO3.

Fan culture in general, however, was a big thing in the 90s – particularly when it came to pop acts that appealed to teen (and tween) audiences, such as the Backstreet Boys, the Spice Girls, or (mostly in Europe) the Kelly Family. When I was in elementary school, you basically had to pick whether you were a BSB or an NSYNC fan – and god forbid you were a Kelly fan like me, then you were the lowest rung on the social ladder and the target of relentless mockery. Like many German kids in the 90s, me and my sister would religiously read teen magazine BRAVO, cut out every single bit of material about our faves and collect them in folders and self-made fanzines. We created fan art and fanfiction without having words for these things. Without the internet and social media, fans did not have a constant stream of content about their idols, and were left with no other choice but to cling to every bit of information they could find in magazines, on TV shows, or on the radio.

Enter a savvy businessperson who comes up with the perfect merchandise product to sell to these popstar-obsessed teens: fan novels! These books, featuring taglines such as ‘The novel for all Backstreet Boys fans’, typically revolved around a relatable female teenage protagonist who is a fan of the celebrity or music group in question, and usually ends up meeting their idol or, gasp, even becoming romantically involved with them. As far as themes go, they look pretty much exactly like your classic self-insert RPF. Except there is a big difference setting these books apart from ‘actual’ fanfiction: Rather than being written by real fans to express their ‘fannish’ feelings about the subject, fan novels were most likely commissioned works created by professional romance authors purely to profit off of actual fans. There is very little background information available about this ‘genre’, but I did stumble across an academic work on Google Books which featured a passage about these fan novels (translated into English by me):

There are several commissioned works by professional authors, which could be mistaken for fanfiction. Especially in the 1990s, when lots of boy bands were on the market, many books of this kind were published. […] These are fictional stories for fans [redacted].

Jennie Hermann: Backstreet Girl. Projektionsfläche Popstar - Wenn der Fan zum Schriftsteller wird (2009) [Popstar as Projection Surface – When fans become writers]

One of the things I find most intriguing about this type of commercially published fanfiction is the question of personal rights. Obviously, the celebs in question or their management must have consented to using their names in the story, their pictures on the cover and so on – because a profit could be made with this. Especially with the fan debate around RPF allegely being unethical, I wonder if the celebrities themselves were aware someone was writing these stories about them, putting words in their mouth, and if they had any clue what exactly happened in these novels. Now, I’ve read a couple of them in my own youth. Some of them deal mostly with the state of being a fan, e.g. I recall a novel about a girl who is so obsessed with Leonardo Di Caprio that she doesn’t pay attention to real life guys at all, only to learn that her actual dream boy has been in her life all along! This story did not feature Di Caprio himself as a character, it was more about the protagonist’s arc of realizing your idols are not all that matters in life. Others do describe fan encounters with teen idols, and some even feature (hints at) romance with a celebrity. When I decided to purchase a vintage copy of one of these books, I opted for one of the latter category, precisely because of the popular argument that writing romance stories featuring real people is somehow ‘wrong’. For only a couple of euros, I was able to get my hands on a weird and wonderful relic of fan culture: Mein Frühling mit Nick (My spring with Nick) by the likely pseudonymous Maxi Keller, heralded on the book cover as ‘the novel for all fans of the Backstreet Boys’.

The story revolves around 16-year-old musical prodigy and designated wallflower Katharina, who lives in a German small town and cares about nothing else than playing the organ – certainly not about boys, let alone ones that are super-famous American pop stars. This means she is not initially a fan of the Backstreet Boys, which I guess is something of a trope itself – the protagonist meeting a celebrity by chance without knowing who they are and the celeb being thrilled that someone doesn’t just like them for their fame. Anyway, the boys visit Katharina’s hometown while on tour in Germany because band member AJ is doing some research on his German ancestors who happened to live in this very town. Katharina runs into them, she and Nick (who was only 17 himself when this was published in 1997, so it’s legal) fall in love at first sight, she helps them dig up information on AJ’s ancestors and finds out the two of them are related, the boys invite Katharina and her friend Saskia backstage after their show and … nothing happens. The book is 200 pages long and Katharina doesn’t even get one kiss with her boy band sweetheart, even though they mutually crush on each other right away. Perhaps that’s as far as the band or their management agreed for the novel to go – a hint at romance, but no trace of any on-page action, no matter how innocent.

That said, the book is so hilariously poorly written that it was still very entertaining to read. Although I could not find out anything about the author Maxi Keller, and therefore assume this might be a pseudonym, their writing style very much suggests that their are a professional romance author who usually writes for an older audience (plus, the book was published by Bastei Lübbe, who also publish a range of cheap romance novels known as ‘Romanhefte’). The language is extremely flowery at times, and even teenage characters speak with an eloquence that is hardly age-appropriate, with some 90s teen slang peppered in at unfitting times (such as the overuse of the English word ‘girl’). Often the novel loses itself in pointless detail that does nothing to move the plot forward (such as an extensive description of a house party hosted by Saskia’s rich parents, with minute details of their luxurious lifestyle and assets, even though Saskia is only a supporting character in the overall plot). It appears as if the author is desperately trying to fill the pages with meaningless drivel so they don’t need to write too many scenes featuring the presumed main attraction, the boys themselves.

If Keller was indeed merely hired to write this, and is not a fan themselves, one must still admit that the author did their research when it comes to the band. Whereas fanfiction typically assumes that the audience is already familiar with the characters and often skips any introductory descriptions of their appearance or personality, Keller makes sure that even a reader who is completely unfamiliar with the Backstreet Boys can keep up. The author delivers extensive descriptions of the boys’ appearance and demeanor, even spelling out their full names repeatedly, and frequently peppers in ‘fun facts’ such as ‘Kevin was raised on a farm in Kentucky’. While an actual fan might do so to prove how knowledgeable they are, and earning their status as a ‘true fan’, in this case it only seems like Keller really wants to show off how much research they did – as if not a single piece of information they took in must go to waste by not being used in the novel.

When it comes to the question how realistically the non-fannish author replicates the way the boys act and speak, there are two barriers to delivering a well-founded answer: Firstly, I was personally very young when BSB were popular and I really don’t remember too well what each member was like. Secondly, the elephant in the room: the language barrier. All of the aforementioned fan novels were written in German, and the problems posed by writing about an English-speaking band interacting with German OCs (and teenage ones at that) are addressed poorly, if at all. Pretty much all dialogue is written in German, and the audience is left to assume that everyone is actually speaking English whenever the boys are involved – except the novel does nothing to explain why two 16-year-old German girls would be able to express themselves so effortlessly in a foreign language. (Remember, the internet was not a thing, so German kids were not exposed to the same amount of English in everyday life as they are these days.) It would have been easy to make one of them a language nerd who gets straight A’s in English class, and give the other a British parent and make them bilingual. Instead, Katharina initially even worries about the prospect of having to talk to boys at all, and in English on top of that! But when she actually does, the language barrier never comes up again. The suspension of disbelief expected from the reader is therefore immense. The language barrier also gives the author an easy way out when it comes to imitating the way the boys speak in real life – there is no need to take into account idiolects or regional differences (such as ‘you guys’ vs. ‘y’all’) if the boys’ speech is essentially translated into a foreign language. However, I wanted to give you guys (or y’all, if you will) a taste of how Keller attempts to write a scene where AJ and Nick discuss the latter’s crush on Katharina:

I would argue that this sounds realistic enough for what it’s worth, if a little cheesy, which is excusable in this genre. Perhaps a true 90s BSB fan would beg to differ, so if you happen to be one, feel free to drop me a message. But in my semi-professional opinion, this most likely holds up for readers.

So, to answer the initial question that drove me to purchase this book: Do fan novels like Mein Frühling mit Nick count as fanfiction?

If we assume that something is only a fanfic if the author themselves is a fan of the subject matter, then I would argue no, Maxi Keller is probably not a fan themselves and therefore this work of for-profit real-person fiction does not qualify as fanfic. However, fan novels definitely have a (however small) place in the history of fan culture and fan-adjacent works, and I personally found reading this relic both entertaining and insightful!

#fanfiction #fanfic #backstreet boys #nick carter #german stuff

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justlightlysedated · 4 years

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this one is over 7k of untitled goodness, where michael left with alex after graduation:

Alex is sitting down on the living room floor surrounded by blueprints trying to figure out the different ways that one would be able to sneak into some rich douchebag's new mansion even with the new security they bought, just to prove a point, when Michael walks into the room, holding his phone in his hands like it's a ticking time bomb.

Alex tilts his head at him, letting the papers go to put his hand over the semi-permanent mark in the shape of Michael's hand that he has right over his heart, to gauge his emotions.

The touch blows the connection wide open, and all Alex can feel is panic and sadness and just a little bit of nostalgia.

He pushes the question into Michael's head, and his head snaps up, eyes darting to Alex.

"Isobel just called," he says, licking his lips and moving further into the room, carefully stepping over the blueprints to drop down on the edge of the coffee table. "Remember how you said that you would prefer to get dental surgery than go to our high school reunion?"

Alex sighs and drops the blueprints on the floor, temporarily forgetting his plans to make his boss suffer and then crawls over to Michael leaning his arms on Michael's knees and looks up at him.

"Why are we going to Roswell?" He asks, wrinkling his nose when he says the name of his home town.

Michael looks at him and then rolls his eyes a little, "I can go by myself-"

Alex makes a rude noise at the back of his throat.

"-but," Michael continues pointedly. "You'd just follow me."

Alex doesn't deny it.

"Why are we going to Roswell?" He asks again more pointedly, not letting Michael change the subject.

Michael sighs and sits up straight, dragging hands across his face and into his hair.

"Liz is back in town," he says. "And Max broke the rules, and saved her life."

Alex doesn't know why that's such a big deal since Michael had broken the rules not even an hour after they left Roswell.

"But now he wants to tell her the truth, and Isobel is scared he's not going to be able to stop himself from telling her about Rosa."

Alex leans back on his heels, letting his arms fall from Michael's knees.

"Right," he says. "Max still hasn't told her the truth about what happened that night."

Michael sighs.

"It was my idea to take the blame-" he starts, but Alex is shaking his head, and lifting a hand to stop him from speaking. He really doesn't want to rehash this argument right now.

"Okay," Alex says. "Let me call Gabe and we should be there in a couple of hours. Call Isobel back and tell her you're on your way, and while you're at it call Max and tell him that the one he needs to tell the truth to is his own sister."

Michael just gives him an exasperated look, but calls Isobel while Alex gets to his feet and goes to where his phone is charging.

He calls up Gabe who works with him at Lockedpick Inc, a security firm and is an ex-airman who owns his own airplane and owes Alex his entire life and then some.

"Do you have any idea what time it is?" Gabe gripes as he answers the phone.

Alex lets his silence speak for itself.

Gabe sighs and groans and Alex can hear him sitting up in bed. "Okay, hit me with it. Please do not tell me that you already figured out how to break into the Salpeter Mansion. Gregory will be insufferable for a month at least."

Alex rolls his eyes. "I'm working on it, but that's not why I'm calling. I need a ride to Roswell."

Gabe is silent for a long moment. "You do remember that we live in the middle of nowhere Russia."

Alex rolls his eyes even harder. "You do remember about the Petersmith Debacle."

Gabe starts to curse him out, but Alex can hear him getting out of bed.

"We'll meet you on the strip in an hour," he says.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Gabe is saying as Alex is hanging up the phone. "You didn't say anything about loverboy-"

Alex exhales and turns to look out of the window. All he can see is white, and it's comforting. He really doesn't miss the sepia, dull tones of the desert. He really wishes that there was some other way to help than to go to Roswell, but he already knows that Michael will go because Isobel asked, and Alex is helpless but to follow Michael anywhere.

He feels arms wrap around his waist and then the heat that Michael is constantly exuding before he plasters himself against Alex's back, burying his face into his shoulder and mumbling something into the fabric of his shirt.

Alex just leans back against him, and sighs.

"We'll come back home," Michael says since he can feel what Alex is feeling. "We're not going to get stuck in Roswell, okay?"

Alex just sighs again and closes his eyes and tries not to feel like they're making a big mistake going back.

Isobel was obviously expecting Michael to be alone when she agreed to pick him up at the airport at noon, and she really must not have been expecting Alex from the way her mouth dropped open when he pulled his sunglasses off his face to say hello.

"You're Michael's husband?" She demands, looking at him a little incredulously.

"Technically," Alex responds. "We are partners."

"We're not exactly married," Michael says at the same time. "I just told you that because you were mad that I missed your wedding and afraid that I was going to end up alone for the rest of my life."

Isobel gives Michael a look and turns back to Alex, "Everyone thinks that you died."

Alex winces.

"The important people don't," he says, and walks around her, pointing towards the car that he can see idling where it's not supposed to be idling, but no one seems to notice it.

"Is that our ride?" He asks, and Isobel just eyes him, a little distrustfully and nods.

"Why don't you go put your bags inside while I greet my brother properly?"

Alex just rolls his eyes and looks to Michael, who turns him at the same time and nods his head once.

Alex nods his head back and takes the duffel bag that Michael had been holding and walks around Isobel to the car.

He's only settled himself into the backseat, when Michael opens the door and slides into the car right beside him.

Isobel stalks to the open driver's door, and glares at them sitting in the backseat.

She pulls the car away from the curb, and gets into traffic in a way that tells Alex that Michael was definitely the one to teach her to drive.

Alex turns to look at Michael who gives him a look like he knows what Alex is thinking and doesn't think it's fair.

Alex just shrugs, "The Ming Job."

Michael sputters indignantly, "Those were extenuating circumstances. You got shot!"

Alex just shrugs, and looks back to where Isobel is staring at them with narrowed eyes instead of looking at the road.

She looks upset that she can’t have the conversation that she wants with Michael on the way into Roswell, and Alex just sighs, again.

“I know the truth,” he says and Michael makes a low noise as panic begins to sneak into Alex through the bond.

“It’s been ten years,” Alex says to him. “And we have an honesty policy since we can’t really lie to each other, so she’s bound to realize the truth sooner or later if we’re going to be around her for more than an hour. And she’ll be mad that you didn’t tell her.”

Isobel pulls off on the side of the road, stopping the car suddenly enough that both Michael and Alex jerk forward.

Michael complains, but Alex looks to Isobel who is turned around and staring at Alex intently.

Alex just looks back at her serenely.

“Izzy, don’t,” Michael says once he realizes that she’s trying to get into his head.

Her gaze breaks away from Alex and falls to Michael.

“I wanted you here because I need someone to help me convince Max that it’s a bad idea to tell Liz Ortecho the truth about us, but you’re just as bad as he is.”

Michael sputters in protest and Alex leans forward in his seat getting Isobel’s attention.

“First of all,” he starts and Michael sighs and drops his head backwards, looking up at the roof of the car like it’s going to help him. “Michael was dying so it’s not like we had many options.”

Isobel gives him a shocked look. “What do you mean he was dy-?”

“Second of all,” Alex continues talking over her. “Michael and I have been in a relationship for ten years. I would’ve found out the truth eventually. And third of all, why don’t you ask Max what really-”

Michael reaches forward and covers Alex’s mouth with his hand, cutting him off.

Isobel turns her glare on Michael who just smiles back at her while moving backwards with Alex.

Alex just sighs and rolls his eyes before he licks against Michael’s hand, who raises an eyebrow at him like he’s amused that Alex thought that would work.

They're all interrupted by Isobel's phone ringing.

She turns to answer it, and makes an annoyed face.

"I already said that you could have your stupid booth at the reunion, DeLuca. I'm in the middle of-"

Isobel stops speaking and then looks to Alex suspiciously before she pulls the phone from her ear and hands it over, "She wants to talk to you."

Michael drops his hand from Alex's mouth, and Alex reaches forward and grabs the phone from Isobel's hands.

"Hello dear," he says, and Maria just makes an amused noise.

"Did you bring the German sweets that Mom likes?"

"Fuck," Alex says, and looks to Michael who tilts his head like he's thinking about it and then shakes his head. "This trip was kind of last minute. But I did send you a package from Spain two days ago. It should get to you by this weekend."

Maria hums, "So if you weren't planning on coming for the reunion, why are you coming back?"

Alex rolls his eyes at her weak attempt at casual. "That information is classified."

"I will figure it out," she says. "You will come to the Pony tomorrow or I will put a curse on you."

Alex sighs, "Fine, but I'm going to complain the whole time."

"Snob," she says. "Now please pass me along to her majesty so that I can make sure you get here in one piece."

Alex passes the phone back to Isobel, who has a considering look on her face and hangs up the phone without talking to Maria.

“So you’re the one who sends me the packages,” she says like she finally figured something out that was bothering her.

Alex makes an amused noise.

“If you think that Michael remembers his own birthday, let alone that you share a birthday early enough to actually get you something for-”

“Yes,” Michael says interrupting them. “I’m a terrible gift giver who forgets birthdays and anniversaries, can we please actually get to Roswell before Max decides he wants to tell everyone?”

Isobel just rolls her eyes and turns back to the front of the car, pulling back into traffic.

Alex turns to look at Michael who is already staring at him and raises an eyebrow in question.

Michael just makes a face.

“Stop being like that,” Alex says rolling his eyes. “You would’ve done the same thing if it was me.”

Michael just drapes his arm around Alex’s shoulder and tucks him into his side.

Alex goes along willingly, dropping his face into the crook of Michael’s neck and closes his eyes.

Alex doesn’t mean to fall asleep, but when Michael moves, like his arm is asleep, and Alex startles awake, he sees the Welcome to Roswell sign passing the window.

“Welcome to hell,” Alex mumbles, and Michael’s makes a noise in agreement.

Isobel scoffs from the front seat. “Roswell isn’t that bad.”

Both Alex and Michael give her matching looks of incredulity.

Isobel drives into town, and she looks like she’s looking for someone, and Alex isn’t surprised when she stops the car in the middle of the street and hisses, “There he is.”

Alex can make Max out drinking from a milkshake, while Liz tells him something that must really tug at Max’s heartstrings because he lets the straw go and moves closer, an intent look on his face.

Isobel leans on the horn hard, making it beep loudly, and it startles Max and Liz apart, who turn to the cause of the noise.

Alex ducks down, but before Michael can, Isobel is yelling as she gets out of the car. “Hey Max! Guess who came home for the reunion!”

Michael sighs, but gets out of the car, pushing at Alex, who sinks down even lower in his seat.

Once he figures no one is looking too closely at the car, he leans back up to snoop, and very nearly melts at the sight of Michael and Max hugging tightly.

Alex knows that Michael misses Isobel and Max, but they’d made a choice and so far, life has been very good to them.

While they reunite, Alex looks around for Liz, and finds her, throwing the milkshake cup away while pocketing a plastic sandwich bag with the straw inside of it.

Alex wonders if he should warn the siblings that Liz is going to find out no matter what they do. But he’s pretty sure that there is no way to stop that particular train from leaving the station.

He just hopes that by the end of it they'll be able to minimize the damage. He doesn't think that Liz will tell anyone about the aliens, but things might go sideways if she finds out the truth about the night that Rosa died.

Alex had reacted badly when he found out. He can only assume that Liz will be ten times worse.

"Alex Manes," Max says in a shocked voice and Alex just turns towards the door that Michael had left open and smiles, waving a hand.

"In the flesh," he says, and then looks to Michael who can't seem to keep still and then back to Isobel.

"Maybe there's somewhere private that we can take the rest of this conversation?"

Isobel nods her head, and pushes Max into the passenger seat while he protests and asks what conversation.

Michael gets back into the car, and tugs Alex into a swift, chaste kiss, filling him up with the bubbling happiness that is pouring out of him.

If only for this, Alex thinks as he opens his eyes and looks at Michael who is watching him with a sweet smile on his face. Everything will be worth it as long as it keeps making Michael smile like that.

"I love you," Alex says in German.

"Love you too," Michael responds in the same language.

Alex just kisses him again.

"Alright, stop being gross," Isobel says. "I can't drive if I have to barf."

Alex rolls his eyes but leans back in his seat and ignores the way that he can feel Max watching them.

Isobel takes them to her house. Her husband is working and it was the closest place to drive to since Max lived out of town.

While they go sit down in the living room, and Isobel offers everyone drinks and does her level best to procrastinate, Alex leans back against the wall, right near the entrance that leads to the kitchen and stares.

"Aren't you supposed to be getting everything ready for the reunion?" Max asks when Isobel turns once again to Alex to ask him if he wants something to drink.

Isobel just sits down and gives him a look, "I have Daisy picking up the slack while I deal with you."

Max just gives her a look. "There is nothing to deal with."

"Yeah, so you weren't just going to tell Liz the truth before we interrupted you?"

Max's look goes even more intense and his eyes dart to Alex quickly and then to Michael, whose poker face is atrocious.

Alex sighs as the bulb goes off in Max's head.

"Wait," he says and turns fully to face Michael, who is looking at Alex like a deer caught in the headlights, panic edging into Alex's consciousness.

Alex just presses his hand over the mark and pushes all of the steady calm that he can at Michael, who visibly relaxes and turns to Max.

"He knows," Max demands, and he sounds accusing, which is not on.

Before Michael can answer, Alex does, "Yes, I do. It's what happens when you're in a committed relationship with someone for more than ten years. Something I'm sure you can't relate to."

Max turns to him, incensed, but Alex can feel Michael’s mild amusement seeping into him, so he’s not exactly worried.

“Who exactly do you think you are?” Max asks, rhetorically, gearing up to probably say more, but Alex just holds his hand out.

“I’m Alexander Manes, but most people just call me Alex.”

Max glares, and Michael snorts, while Isobel turns to him.

“You said that it was extenuating circumstances, that Michael was dying-” She starts.

“Michael was dying?” Max interrupts her, turning to Michael.

“What exactly happened?” Isobel says talking over her brother.

Alex licks his lips and looks to Michael, who is staring back at him, and shrugs before Alex can send him a questioning look, meaning that he doesn’t care.

Alex just turns back to Isobel, who is looking between the two of them with narrowed eyes, but turns her gaze intently on Alex when he turns to her.

“We’re not entirely sure,” Alex starts. “The best we could figure was that you were all connected and when Michael got too far, the connection snapped and rebounded, and I guess your species can’t survive without it, because Michael basically formed the connection with me on instinct. We have to reform the bond every time it starts to fade or else the same thing happens."

"So when you say you have an honesty policy it's because he's literally inside of your head," Isobel says, and she looks kind of intrigued like she didn't know that they could forge that kind of connection, especially with a human.

"It goes both ways," Alex says, and both Max and Isobel give him looks that he can't quite read, but before anyone can say anything, the front door is opening, and someone walks inside.

Alex turns to Michael, who pushes himself to his feet and is across the room, to stand in front of Alex in the time it takes the person to walk into the room.

Alex doesn't recognize the guy, but Isobel just stands up to greet them with a kiss, saying, "Baby, hi! I didn't know you were getting out early today?"

Michael's shoulders relax minutely, but he's slightly on edge, and Alex is definitely on edge. This is exactly the kind of thing he wanted to avoid, being seen by anyone who might recognize him and get back to his father.

He peeks around Michael and relaxes minutely when he realizes that it's not someone that he knows, but only just because the second Isobel's husband's gaze sweeps over him and Michael, Alex feels a shudder go through him, and he oddly feels like he's being watched, even though he knows there is no one else but them in the room.

Michael reaches out with one hand, and Alex moves until he's pressed up against his back, hooking his chin over Michael's shoulder.

They both look at Noah with the same look, and Alex can tell that it unsettles him a little.

"I just forgot a file I need in my office here," Noah says slowly, looking back to Isobel. "Who are your friends?"

"Oh," she says, and turns to Michael and Alex and gives them an odd look, before turning back to him. "I know you haven't met, but this is Michael and his husband, Alex."

Michael lifts a hand in hello when Noah's gaze darts back to them, but Alex can tell that he's not exactly setting out the welcome mat.

Noah's eyes narrow for a split second before his face clears, and he smiles at them, but Alex still feels like someone is holding a piece of ice against the back of his neck.

"Nice to meet you," he says. "Isobel talks so much about you. I feel like I already know you. Well, at least one of you."

Before Michael or Alex can respond, he turns back to Isobel. "I'll just get my file, and you can get back to your visit."

He kisses Isobel again and waves to Max and heads further into the house.

Michael takes a step forward and Alex lets him go to follow Noah's procession through the house.

"What is wrong with you two?" Isobel asks.

Alex turns to Isobel.

"Nothing," he says at the same time that Michael does.

Michael moves to sit back down, and Isobel starts to talk about the reunion and how glad she is that Michael could make time to visit them, making Alex snort.

Like she hasn't seen Michael in ten years, when Alex has in fact followed Michael to France whenever Isobel has gone there on vacation.

Noah leaves, giving his wife a fond look and barely looking at anyone else, for which Alex is grateful for.

He barely hears him start his car when Max's voice cuts through the air, tight with anger.

"You didn't come here for the reunion, did you?"

Michael just shrugs. "Isobel asked me to come."

"To convince me that it's a bad idea to tell Liz the truth, when you've done the same thing?"

Michael bristles immediately defensive, "I never said I would do that."

"And besides," Alex says interrupting them. "Liz is already going to find out. She's a biomedical engineer. Who has a sample of your cheek cells."

Max looks confused for a moment, before an almost fond, but exasperated look falls over his face. "She stole my cells?"

Alex doesn't bother to answer him, "And before you consider telling Liz the truth, shouldn't you think about telling Isobel the truth?"

Michael sighs, long and loud and exasperated and lets his head fall against the back of the couch.

“The truth about what?” Isobel asks, turning to Max as Max turns to Michael.

“You told him?” Max demands.

Michael just sighs again and Alex rolls his eyes.

"That's not the point-" Alex starts, but Max just talks over him.

"You thought you had it all figured out," he tells Michael. "You tell Isobel you're the one to blame and then just disappear without a care, leaving me behind to deal with-"

"You weren't talking to me!" Michael snaps back, sent to his feet by the bright hot heat of their combined anger. "And Isobel could barely look at me, so sorry for choosing to leave with the one person who wasn't avoiding me!"

"That's not the point," Max says a little mockingly, making Alex bristle. "We made a promise and you broke it first, so don't you sit there and tell me that you're trying to protect-"

"I came because Isobel asked me to come and I missed you guys, but I guess that was a one way street, huh?"

Max looks like he's about to say something else, but Isobel's voice rings out, sharp, "Max!"

Max just snaps around to look at her, and then makes a gesture like he's washing his hands of them, and walks out of the house, Isobel hot on his heels.

Alex looks to Michael who turns to him and gives him an exhausted look.

Alex pulls his phone out of his pocket and pulls up the Uber app.

Jim Valenti's cabin is a little dusty from misuse, but Alex has squatted in worse places. At least there is furniture.

Alex sits on the couch, propping his leg on the coffee table and sighs as it takes the pressure off.

Michael drops down to sit beside him, leaning forward and rolling Alex's jeans up to get at the pin and unlatch the prosthetic, carefully taking it off.

Alex just leans back on the couch and moves when Michael settles back, draping one arm around the back of the couch, making Alex fall a little into him.

Alex settles his head on his shoulder and exhales.

"We have to talk about Noah," he says, and Michael groans.

"Can't we just pretend that he's not setting off the Spidey Senses? I really don't want to get into a fight with Isobel too."

"Okay," Alex says, tabling the conversation for later. "Are we going to go to the reunion?"

Michael hums in thought and Alex sighs.

"It might be fun," Michael points out.

Alex frowns, pouting up at the ceiling. "Dental surgery might be fun. Going back to see all those assholes would be torture, and a sure fire way to alert my father that I'm not dead."

Alex can feel Michael rolling his eyes. "No one actually thinks that you're dead. It's just a rumor. And you're a professional thief with connections all over the world, your father can't hurt either of us and get away with it. Gregory would have a fit if you got hurt, and you're enough to protect us both."

Alex's frown deepens and he just grabs Michael's left hand.

Michael just threads their fingers together.

"You're not taking this seriously," Alex says, sitting up, and turning to face Michael.

Michael gives him a fond, exasperated look, "You're taking it too seriously."

"Guerin-" Alex starts, and Michael just tugs, until Alex falls against his chest, and kisses him.

Alex kisses him back, leaning heavily against him.

Michael tucks his fingers around Alex's ears and cups his jaw and slows the kiss down, rubbing their lips together and licking into Alex's mouth and dragging it out until Alex is almost desperate with it and ready to climb into Michael's lap.

It's then that Michael pulls away, keeping his hold on Alex so that he doesn't go anywhere and pressing their foreheads together.

Alex inhales deeply, and opens his eyes.

Michael is staring right back at him, and he smiles a little before speaking.

"Don't push me away," he says, and Alex wants to protest, but Michael just gives him a look and Alex has to concede the point. “We’re in this together. So together is the only way we’ll get through it, okay?”

Before Alex can respond, Michael’s phone rings.

“That would be Isobel,” Alex says, and moves so that Michael can take his phone out of his pocket as he gets to his feet.

“It took her longer than it did in Paris,” Michael notes as he answers the phone.

“She didn’t have Max to distract her then.”

Michael just rolls his eyes and says, “We’ll be at the reunion don’t worry,” as he walks towards the kitchen.

Alex just sighs and leans back against the couch, staring at him as he goes, a thoughtful look on his face.

Alex leaves Michael and Isobel talking in hissed whispers and goes to find Maria. She’s sitting by herself, sipping something that looks red and fizzy from a straw as she people watches.

He sits down across from her and she turns to him and her smile goes from her Customer Service Grin, to a genuine smile.

"Didn't expect to see you here," she says, setting her drink aside.

"Isobel asked Michael to come," he said and shrugged, holding his hands out across the table. "How does this work exactly?"

Maria just gives him a long look, tilting her head to the side before she reaches for his hands and looks at them intently.

She presses her finger down the length of his palm and his hand twitches.

She looks up at him and then her eyes flicker over his shoulder.

"You should get out of here before it's too late," she says, looking back at him and signaling over his shoulder. "Before she gets him the matching boots."

Alex furrows his brow in confusion and turns to see that Isobel is stepping away from Michael, after setting a cowboy hat on top of his head.

Michael looks at Isobel dubiously and then his gaze finds Alex's and he raises an eyebrow in question. Alex just shrugs, and turns back to Maria, who just lets his hands go.

Alex smiles at her and pushes himself to his feet.

He shakes his head as Michael walks towards him, an exaggerated swagger in his step.

Alex just raises an eyebrow and Michael just barely stops himself from walking into him.

"Hey there, darlin,'" he starts, exaggerating his accent. "What's a pretty thing like you doing in a place like this?"

Alex snorts, "Does the cocky cowboy swagger ever work for you?"

Michael just shrugs and leans in a little bit closer, "I don't know. Is it working for you?"

Alex takes him in, eyes dragging from the top of his head and down.

Michael smiles, preening under the attention and turns a little. "I'm going to go get a drink. You're welcome to join me."

He walks away, and Alex watches him go with an amused smile on his face.

He turns to see if Maria is busy or still free, and finds Isobel sitting across from her with a frown on her face as she looks down at her phone.

She types something up and then puts her phone away and wordlessly puts her hand down on top of the table, looking out into the crowd.

Maria who seems to be pretending that Isobel doesn't exist, slowly slides her hand over and overlaps their fingers together.

Alex blinks at the display, and wonders if Maria would answer if he asks, when his phone starts to vibrate in his pocket.

Alex pulls the phone out and rolls his eyes at the display before answering the call while walking and looking for somewhere that would give him a little bit of privacy.

Alex puts the phone to his ear and before he can say anything, Gregory is talking.

"Please explain to me what you are doing in America, and not just any place in America, but exactly in Roswell, your blackout zone?"

Alex sighs and ducks into what looks like a storage room, full of stacked chairs.

"Hello Alex. How are you Alex? I'm done having my temper tantrum because you could be in danger and I actually care-"

"I'm going to send Sheila to pick you up instead of Gabe," Gregory threatens, and Alex stops speaking immediately.

Sheila is a good pilot, if you're in the middle of a warzone.

"Now, answer the question please."

"I'm at my high school reunion," Alex says, resigned.

Gregory is silent for a second. "I distinctly remember you saying something about dental surgery whenever the subject came up."

Alex rolls his eyes, "Michael-" he starts and Gregory stops him with a scoffing sound.

"Of course," he says and then hangs up the phone.

Alex just rolls his eyes again and slips his phone back into his pocket turning around and jumping slightly when he finds Michael standing behind him.

He frowns when he realizes that Michael is staring at him, but over his shoulder and he turns to catch the projection of a picture featuring him and Liz and Maria all laughing together in one of the booths at the Crashdown.

“I was expecting you to follow me, so when you didn’t I followed you instead,” Michael says as Alex turns back to him.

“Obviously,” Alex says, staring at him for a second, at the way that he seems to be avoiding Alex’s gaze, and Alex wonders what the hell could have possibly happened in the less than five minutes since he last saw him.

“Everything okay?” he asks, and the question is enough to startle Michael into eye contact.

His gaze drops from the slideshow back to Alex, and he frowns, making Alex frown.

“What is it?” he asks, and takes a step closer to him.

Michael holds his hands out automatically, and Alex slides his hands into them, squeezing their fingers together tightly and pulling himself closer.

“Nothing,” Michael says unconvincingly.

Alex just stares at him in silence until he cracks, which takes all of five seconds, at most.

“Isobel said something that Max had mentioned earlier, and it’s that I wasn’t here. I left, and it seems now that while I thought they didn’t want me around anymore, they actually needed me more than ever.”

“Do you regret leaving with me?” Alex asks, already knowing what the answer is going to be.

“Of course not,” Michael says, feverently, tugging Alex in even closer. “I just hate this feeling like I abandoned them.”

Alex shakes his head. “You made a choice, using the information that you had at the time. It’s not your fault that you didn’t know what they were thinking.”

“I know,” Michael says, and he sounds a little frustrated, and Alex frowns some more.

“Then what’s the problem?” he asks.

Michael stares at him for a moment before shaking his head. “There isn’t one. I guess being here made me think about how different life would’ve been if I had told you no.”

Alex makes a face as that as the thought crosses his head.

“I don’t know,” he says. “I can’t imagine having a life without you in it. And if you had told me no, I would’ve gone with my Plan B, which-”

“No,” Michael says. “That’s not something I want to imagine. Do you think I could’ve convinced you to stay instead of joining the Airforce?”

Alex bites down on his lip. “I don’t know. I’d like to think that you would be able to convince me, but my father-”

“Yeah,” Michael says nodding his head. “I don’t want to think about this anymore.”

Alex licks his lips and inclines his head slightly.

He exhales and squeezes Michael’s hands before he lets them go and wraps his arms around Michael’s shoulders, smiling when Michael slides his hands around Alex’s waist.

“There is one thing,” he says in a low voice, and Michael sways closer like he’s leaning in to hear him better.

“I’m thinking about you and me and a reunion, ten years coming,” he continues, and Michael tightens his arms around Alex’s waist, pulling their bodies flush together.

Alex tilts his chin forward, and Michael leans in even closer dragging their noses together.

“You should kiss me,” Alex says, and Michael is nodding his head, his curls brushing across Alex’s forehead as he does. “Like it’s been ten years since the last time.”

Michael pulls back a little and looks deep into Alex’s eyes and Alex looks back at him not hiding anything.

Michael lets him go, and Alex wants to protest, as he lowers his hands to his sides, but before he can, Michael just stares at him, and it’s almost like that’s what he’d been imagining this whole time, living a life without seeing Alex, and he just moves, digging his fingers into the back of Alex’s neck, and crushing their mouths together hard.

Alex inhales sharply, but he moves into the kiss, dragging a hand into Michael’s hair and biting against his mouth.

Michael goes even more aggressive which he doesn’t really get aggressive with Alex, unless Alex has almost died, but he digs his fingers harder, and his kiss turns desperate and hungry, and Alex whimpers low in the back of his throat, tugging harshly against his hair, holding on for the ride.

Michael kisses him until Alex’s head is spinning, and he barely remembers where they are, and then he presses their foreheads together, breathing roughly, and keeping Alex close.

Alex licks his lips, and leans heavily against Michael, running his hands up and down his back and hopes that even if everything starts to fall apart around them, that they’ll never lose this.

Alex is startled out of sleep by his phone vibrating across the table.

He moves from where he'd been sleeping tucked beneath Michael's arm, face practically squished into his armpit.

He considers murdering whoever it is that is calling him, and considers even calling up Gregory for support when he grabs the phone and sees that it's a number that he doesn't know.

The area code is for Roswell, so Alex just exhales roughly before he grabs the phone and answers it right before it goes to voicemail.

"Who is this and how did you get this number?"

There is a surprised hesitant silence over the phone for a few seconds and then a slightly familiar voice says, "Alex?"

"Hmm," Alex says humming and dropping back down on Michael's chest, making him groan as the move startles him awake. "I've never met another Alex before, but there's a first time for everything."

"What?" The voice says and the confused tone is more familiar. "Wait. No I mean, I was asking if-never mind. It's Kyle. I got your number from some files that dad had on you."

Michael moves until Alex falls back onto the sheets and then he drops his head into Alex’s stomach, pulling the sheet over his head as he grumbles sleepily.

“Yes, I figured,” Alex says as he pats Michael’s head gently. “Is there a reason you’re calling so early in the morning?”

“It’s almost noon,” Kyle says.

Alex just stays silent and hopes the unimpressed vibes reach Kyle wherever he is.

“Okay,” he says a little slowly. “I wouldn’t be calling if it wasn’t important. But I need to ask, would it be worth it to ask your dad for help?”

Alex makes an offended noise. “Not unless you want to be blackmailed.”

Kyle just sighs. “I kind of figured you would say that, but this issue is pretty sensitive and I-”

“Why don’t you come over, and bring some coffee,” Alex suggests, and Michael lifts his head up, letting the sheet fall off as he looks at Alex, who raises an eyebrow at the sullen expression on his face.

“Where are you exactly?” Kyle asks. “I only know you’re in Roswell because Liz told me that she saw you at the reunion.”

“I’m staying in your dad’s old hunting cabin,” Alex says and then hangs up the phone before Kyle can ask or say anything else.

He drops the phone down on top of the bed and groans.

--Alex is woken up by Kyle who calls him and asks him how worth it would it be to ask his dad for help

--Alex tells him to come over, only for them to be interrupted by Isobel because she found Liz and Max, experimenting

--Michael and Alex just look at each other, and come to an agreement, Alex will deal with Kyle, Michael will go help Isobel deal with Max

--Alex and Kyle find the bunker, and while Kyle goes to find out where his mom put the letters, Alex tries to figure out how much his father actually knows, goes to the OTHER bunker while his dad is busy at the drive in

"Liz has a handprint on her chest," Kyle starts.

"Jesus Fucking Christ," Alex says.

"My dad always said if you see the handprint go to Manes, but I'm beginning to think he meant you and not your dad."

--While Alex is doing that, Michael finds out that Liz already knows an alien killed Rosa, tries to get Max to tell Isobel only for Max to find out that they had sent Liz away, Michael calls Alex to give them a ride, and they tell Isobel the truth while Max talks to Liz

--Alex finds out that his job provided the security equipment for Caulfield and asks for the blueprints

--Isobel and Noah fight and then she fights with Michael, and Michael takes old doubts to Alex, about Alex staying only because they have a bond, and Alex tries to alleviate his fears

--Alex is just going to put Caulfield aside and now that the secrets are out in the open and calls Gabe to see when he’s free, but before he can bring it up, Isobel injects herself with the serum and Michael has to help Liz figure out how to help her

--While he does that, Alex decides to check out Caulfield, and he goes with his team on a reconnaissance mission to find out what’s going on

--He ends up arguing with Gregory and they’re in the middle of trying to figure out what to do when Michael gets back from another unsuccessful day at figuring out how to help Isobel

"I don't have time to argue about this, Guerin," Alex snaps and then shuts his eyes tight.

Michael barely waits a second before he says, "Leave," voice barely shaking.

Alex opens his eyes, and Michael turns to everyone else, "Are y'all deaf? I said to leave, now."

When no one moves, surprised by the turn of events, Michael rolls his eyes and then narrows them, lifting a hand and pushing at them until they all leave, amidst protests.

Someone, most likely Gabe, asks if they should leave them alone in there, and starts going on about the last time that they left Michael and Alex alone while they were having a disagreement had ended up with them having to burn the couch.

Michael closes and locks them all outside for good measure and then turns back to Alex.

“You’re letting your father get into your head,” Michael states, and Alex just exhales roughly and starts to pace agitatedly.

“We talked about this-”

“That was before!” Alex snaps, turning to look at Michael, who looks expectant, like he’s waiting for Alex to say more, and Alex just breathes in deeply and turns and starts to pace again.

#malexunfinishedfics #most of my fics are plotted just like this #a mix match of scene descriptions and dialogue that pops into my head at the most inconvenient times

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johannesviii · 3 years

Text

Top 10 Personal Favorite Hit Songs from 2020

You know, when I finished my latest list and realised every decade had the same pattern and that we were slowly going towards a series of great years for pop, I didn’t realise how good that year would be.

What’s at the top? Am I boringly predictable because I already said I loved that song all the way back in January 2020? Let’s find out.

Disclaimers:

Keep in mind I’m using both the year-end top 100 lists from the US and from France while making these top 10 things. There’s songs in English that charted in my country way higher than they did in their home countries, or even earlier or later, so that might get surprising at times.

Of course there will probably be stuff in French somewhere on this post. We suck. I know. It’s my list. Deal with it.

My musical tastes have always been terrible and I’m not a critic, just a listener and an idiot.

I have sound to color synesthesia which justifies nothing but might explain why I have trouble describing some songs in other terms than visual ones.

So. Uh. How was your 2020?

Mine was actually surprisingly good, considering. I’m lucky enough to have a job that I can partially do from home, and I was extremely paranoid from the get-go and nobody got sick under this roof so far. Turns out I’m even better at my job from home and I got permission to work from home one day per week even after the health crisis is over! My first name was also finally officially approved and I can’t tell you how happy I feel about that. I almost feel bad to have had such a good year considering the circumstances. I feel like an asshole just because I’m happy, haha.

The only frustrating part was that I was supposed to see Hatari in concert in Paris in early April which, as you can guess, was cancelled. I’m not too mad about it though, since their tour was called “Europe will crumble” and the message saying the tour was cancelled started with “since Europe is actually crumbling due to Covid-19″ and that’s hysterical.

Good or interesting albums that came out in 2020 now, let’s see.

Nightwish released Human/Nature, which was a huge letdown compared to their previous album, but I will relisten to it at some point to make sure I wasn’t just in a bad mood that day.

The Birthday Massacre released Diamonds, which might be their weakest album since their debut, but contained some real gems (I listened to The Last Goodbye on a loop, it floored me. Flashback and Enter are also very good).

The 1975 released Notes On A Conditional Form, and let’s be real, it’s a f█cking mess. You could cut half the tracks and end up with an excellent album, but as it is it’s like, yes, a collection of notes ; however there’s some truely excellent shit on it (see unelligible songs).

Thanks to a friend on a discord server I was exposed to Dorian Electra’s music and I haven’t been quite the same ever since. I’m so happy to be alive to see other enbies making such great music with an insanely good aesthetic surrounding it and asking so many interesting questions about gender. Also the arc the ‘gentleman’ character goes through over the course of the entire tracklist of the 2020 My Agenda album is absolutely hilarious, don’t @ me.

I also discovered 100 Gecs this year. Why are most of you guys saying it’s unlistenable garbage. It’s just as abrasive and over the top as industrial music is, but with none of the edginess or drama. I love it. What the hell. But yeah Tree of Clues was released this year. Good.

Speaking of industrial, in March 2020 Nine Inch Nails were like “hey remember when we released Ghosts I-IV a decade ago entirely for free and how amazing that was? Well we’re all in lockdown and bored as hell so here’s Ghosts V-VI and it’s also free. Enjoy” and I f█cking died instantly. And it’s even better than I-IV. What the hell was that year

Jonsi released Shiver. It’s strange and highly experimental. I’m pretty sure it’s a good thing I was into hyperpop this year, otherwise going from his previous material straight to this album would have been brutal.

Yadda yadda yadda After Hours by the Weeknd good yadda yadda.

I’ve joked about that already but if you had told me in 2019 that 2020 would have fires, a pandemic, riots, monoliths appearing and disappearing, and also a super good Machine Gun Kelly album, guess which part I would have found the most ridiculous. But yeah uh. Tickets to my Downfall good

So uh this year I tried to listen to some hyperpop and liked it a lot, and I also dipped my toes timidly into screamo and listened to Svalbard, who released When I Die this year, and the entire album was a very beautiful, very intricately decorated punch to the face. It sounds like God Is An Astronaut except with a shit ton of yelling. I love it. Open Wound is my favorite track on it.

But no, despite all of this, my album of the year was from a band I had never even heard about before that year, called Spanish Love Songs. The album is titled Brave Faces Everyone and it’s line after line after line of extremely relatable generational angst but yelled with complete sincerity and it’s so propulsive and energetic you can’t help but feel both exhausted and ready to fight the entire universe. I don’t know how it works, but it’s incredible. The entire album is wonderfully brutal, so it’s kind of difficult to pick my favorite songs on it, but Beachfront Property and the title track stand out.

Unelligible songs, now, and there’s, uh, quite a few of them too so I’m also gonna use bullet points. Good lord this post is gonna be long.

First, let me say I have literally no idea why Midnight Sky by Miley Cyrus wasn’t a bigger hit. It’s not on the year-end US top 100 and it feels extremely wrong. Would have made it to #4 on this list otherwise.

I still entertain the vague hope that stuff from Machine Gun Kelly will chart higher in 2021 but I doubt it will happen so I might as well tackle it now and say that Bloody Valentine and especially Forget Me Too are both excellent and that it’s a shame radios aren’t playing them more often.

Heaven by the late Avicii featuring Coldplay should have charted in 2019 and still didn’t chart in 2020 and that’s a real shame.

If the world was a bit less unfair, Lovesick Girls by Blackpink would have been a hit rather than the awful Ice Cream.

One day I will stop complaining about my bafflement concerning the lack of mainstream pop charts success of The 1975. Today is not that day. I just love how they keep making songs about extremely awkward relationships full of weird details, and I haven’t grown tired of that yet. So yeah If You’re Too Shy is about a guy who’s crush is asking him to get naked on Skype in his hotel room and he’s, uh, not too sure about that idea.

And Me & You Together is about a guy who never finds the right moment to tell his best friend he’s in love with her, and he manages to do so at the end and it’s cute as hell. My fave part is “I'm sorry that I'm kinda queer / It's not as weird as it appears / It's 'cause my body doesn't stop me (Stop me) / Oh, it's okay, lots of people think I'm gay / But we're friends, so it's cool, why would it not be?”. Relatable as f█ck.

And now for an international hit that should have been bigger in the US and/or in my country but wasn’t: Head & Heart by Joel Corry and MNEK.

I’ve heard Nos Célébrations by Indochine extremely often on French radio for months now so I was very surprised to see that it didn’t crack the local year-end list. What happened.

I can finally hear the appeal of Bring Me The Horizon. It took me ages. And also Death Stranding. The song Ludens isn’t in the game per say, but it’s among the ones you can pick to broadcast briefly when people drive by your constructions, and long story short it's been living rent-free in my head for months now.

Phew.

It’s time for a round of Honorable Mentions for elligible songs, containing a couple of guilty pleasures, which is saying something considering the kind of shit I put on some of my previous lists.

Ne Reviens Pas (Gradur et Heuss l’Enfoiré) - Heuss is a French artist that kept baffling me while making my lists for the previous years, and I was like “??? ok, that’s it then, I guess I’m getting too old to get what teenagers find funny”. This one worked for me, though. And the music video doesn’t hurt. Really dumb and really fun.

Adore You (Harry Styles) - Perfectly good little pop song, very pleasant to listen to, never outstayed its welcome for me.

Mood (24kGoldn) - This doesn’t sound like a very good relationship, my dude, but that’s still a super pleasant song.

WAP (Cardi B & Megan Thee Stallion) - This song is absolutely hilarious and I will hear no argument from any of you.

Control (Zoe Wees) - Was clearly a hit here. Should have been even bigger though. What a powerful but comfy voice. If I had better taste it would be on the list.

Hot Girl Bummer (Blackbear) - I. Uh. Listen. I keep saying I have bad taste and nobody believes me. Do you believe me now. But yeah. “F█ck you, and you, and you~, I hate your friends and they hate me too” is gonna pop in my head every single time someone is being a jerk anywhere near me now. It’s been happening all year already. Someone trashed my documents at work? Someone isn’t wearing a mask in public? That guy has filled his car with rolls of toilet paper? Brain goes “F█ck you, and you, and you~”. Every. Single. Time.

Come & Go (Juice WRLD & Marshmello ) - Damn, that’s a pretty good little song. I’ve seen plenty of people saying it’s ruined by the drop, but may I remind you I’m the person who loves Blue by Eiffel 65 with all my heart. If the song was ramping up consistently until the end instead of ending like that, it would have made the list, definitely.

And now, the actual list. This one actually feels pretty solid, I genuinely like everything on it, there’s no filler here for once.

10 - The Box (Roddy Rich)

US: #3 / FR: #23

Now this is a weird case, because for the longest time I couldn’t figure out why this song was so popular and I was completely neutral about it. Then, one morning in September, my mental jukebox (which always, always puts a song on a loop in my head when I wake up) decided to play it. And I was like oh wow?? I never noticed the atmosphere in that song before? It’s so great. And that hook too. Let’s listen to it.

So yeah, I don’t know what happened. It just clicked one day and everything fell into place, I guess.

9 - Alane (Wes & Robin Shulz)

US: Not on the list / FR: #93

Come on. You can’t do a remake of one of my previous #1 songs and let it chart in 2020. That’s cheating. Even with this subpar drop, I have to put it on the list, now.

I’ve already said my piece about the original, so I’m just going to send you back to my 1997 list.

8 - Kings and Queens (Ava Max)

US: Not on the list / FR: #76

[BBC documentary voice] After Lady Gaga decided to make piano balads and left her musical niche vacant, Ava Max quickly took her place as the top predator pop diva. Even after Lady Gaga was re-introduced to her natural habitat in 2020, she still hasn’t fully recovered in Europe, where Ava Max still reigns supreme on the charts -

(tldr I think it’s hilarious that this isn’t on the US Billboard while Lady Gaga isn’t on the French year-end top 100)

7 - Roses (Saint Jhn & Imanbek)

US: #19 / FR: #3

What an earworm. It doesn’t even bother trying to have an intro or an outro, so it loops almost perfectly. It’s like entering a party that started long before you arrived, and it will go on long after you leave it to go back home. Kind of hypnotic in a way.

And yes, my mental jukebox was very fond of using it to wake me up this year, so this is another song that’s here almost solely because of that.

6 - Physical (Dua Lipa)

US: Not on the list / FR: #69 (hehehe)

“Hey I’m not that old” says the guy who’s definitely a sucker for this kind of retro throwback that was so popular this year. Oh well.

I don’t have anything interesting to say about this one, though. Apart from the fact that everyone seems to have a different fave song on that album. Guess that’s quality for you.

5 - Rain on Me (Lady Gaga & Ariana Grande)

US: #48 / FR: Not on the list

That is far from being Lady Gaga’s best song, but it was a joy to listen to everytime it was on the radio anyway. Also Ariana Grande has surprisingly good chemistry with Gaga! This year was full of strange duets mostly made for commercial reasons, and this one isn’t an exception, but unlike a lot of them, it really, really works.

4 - Dynamite (BTS)

US: #38 / FR: Not on the list

I’m still not 100% sold on k-pop even if a ton of it sounds super good, but come on. Even if some bits of this song (especially the beginning of the second chorus) sound a bit like they were made on autopilot, it still sounds just as happy and fun several months after I first heard it and I never got tired of it. That’s quality. You hear it and you can’t help but tap your feet and smile.

Actually, I’m sure there’s people somewhere that don’t smile when they hear this song. And they must be avoided at all costs.

3 - Godzilla (Eminem ft Juice WRLD)

US: #62 / FR: Not on the list

What are you doing so high on this list, old man. Why are you still here in the year 2020. I thought we left you in the previous decade. Who gave you the right.

I’m gonna tell you who did, and it’s actually Juice WRLD. Because that chorus is incredible, and like a lot of people I’m pissed off because the guy died super young and this shit shouldn’t happen to anybody. No, his early material wasn’t great, but I’m sorry I’m gonna say it again: have you heard this damn chorus? It’s suspenseful and dark, it’s got this lowkey menacing quality, it’s an earworm and a half, and it’s more convincing in like six lines than Eminem’s own flexing is in the entire song.

The beat is extremely good as well, and the flow, obviously, impressive. The weakest link is Eminem’s writing, which is as usual full of puns and weird wordplay, except here a lot of it isn’t great, and that last ultra fast part at the end is technically impressive but it also drives the song up a cliff and stops it dead in its tracks once it’s over. But frankly the lines fly by so fast it’s difficult to be too annoyed by them.

Can I sincerely put this extremely flawed song so high on my list? A better question would be “did I spend hours trying to learn how to sing this shit without choking on my own spit?”. The answer is yes. To both.

2 - Heartless (The Weeknd)

US: #28 / FR: Not on the list

I’ve said it on my 2015 and 2016 lists already, but just for the record I’ll say it again: it took me ages to like The Weeknd, mostly because I found most of his songs fairly boring, or disliked the lyrics, or both. Also I never really liked the general vibe of his “sexy” songs like The Hills, they felt dark but in an unpleasant creepy way. Felt like miserable hedonism, if that makes sense.

So, because I’m a person with extremely consistent and logical tastes, here’s the exact same shit he was making before, except that this time I absolutely adore it.

What is he doing differently that makes the whole After Hours album click for me whereas almost all of his previous material failed to do so? Is it the energy? Is it the reverb? Is it the fact that the narrator sounds properly unhinged and, frankly, scared to be spiralling out of control? Why are the colors so beautiful yet full of anxiety? Why is that bridge so fantastic? How can you make your voice look like a glowstick in the dark?

I give up. I have no clue. At least I’m done talking about-

Oh.

1 - Blinding Lights (The Weeknd)

US: #1 / FR: #1 (listen sometimes something’s just that good, ok)

Surprise. Or not.

Wow, look at that, Johannes has put this year’s number one pop song at number one on their personal playlist. The audacity. The edge. What a hot take.

I discovered that song when it first came out at the end of 2019 and I adored it instantly. And I was so scared it wouldn’t be a hit. Which means I’m a f█cking dumbass considering it ended up breaking all sorts of records in 2020. But what can I say, overplay can be a blessing when you love a song that much.

Like every single song I put at number one on one of my lists, I will draw this one at some point and you will understand how incredibly satisfying it is to listen to a song called Blinding Lights, talking about city lights looking blurry when you’re driving at night, while looking itself like a bunch of blurry city lights passing by super fast. Perfect in every way.

Also it sounds exactly like A-ha, and that never hurts.

See you next year! Pretty sure it will be even better music-wise.

#Johannes’ bad not good pretty terrible music lists #music #long post #eye contact tw

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